The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - A Christmas STAND UP show for Premium Members

Episode Date: December 20, 2016

Hey Premium Members, HAPPY HOLIDAYS and please enjoy this twisted stand up show I did just a few nights ago - Keep on laughing! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, premium members. How are you? It's me, Harlan Williams. I haven't forgotten you. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Here's a little Christmas premium member present because you are my premium members. And I want you to have a little special special Christmas treat. to help you giggle through the holidays. I recently, just like a few nights ago, did a spot at a local comedy club, The Laugh Factory in Hollywood, California, on the world famous sunset strip. And as you can hear by my voice, I was a little bit under the weather. I got this, like, cold and flu thing that's going around. And so my energy was a bit low. And I just went up there with kind of an attitude.

And I felt like being kind of edgy and dirty and swearing and I was just a little like a little, uh, unorthodox, a little more, uh, just like a lot of attitude and just like whatever. I didn't really care. I mean, I cared. I wanted to do a great show. But I just, I kind of just went up there and, you know, messed around with my energy levels. And it was a really fun crowd. We had a girl in the front with striped, black and white striped sweater. She looked like Beetlejuice. You'll hear me talking to her. We had a guy that had one of those donkey laughs. You'll hear him.

He's like, uh, uh, it's hilarious. He's laughing throughout the thing. Had a girl walk in in the middle of the show wearing a weird headpiece, like look kind of like a Muslim thing or a little red riding good thing. I don't think it was a religious headpiece, but it was just weird. And then we had a cute little girl in the front row who was wearing a little hat with cattyers on it. There's my cold right there.

So before I die on the floor, here it is. Enjoy Merry Christmas. Happy Holidays Premium member. Thanks for joining. Have some laughs. All right. This guy came all the way from Fresno. Guys, give it up for Larry Smith.

Perfect, man. You nailed it. Thank you. Fuck me. Fuck me. Anyone from Fresno? Fuck me. No, dude. Fuck me seven ways till three Thursdays ago, gang.

Just fuck me for the ripe banana. Seven weeks from next fucking Saturday, gang. Fucking rain ass. It's raining out there. Like, a fucking, a bunch of fucking asshole angels are up in heaven crying because, you know, some fucking asshole died. And, you know, I don't need to drive around an angel tears. Fuck, I just got my car washed. You know, hey, fuck me, gang.

Check out this bullshit. Oh, fuck, I'm pissed. How about a drone? Anybody got a goddamn drone? Do you have a fucking drone? How about you, Beetlejuice? You got a drone? Two thousand bucks for a drone.

Two fucking grand for a fucking drone. Finally, some video footage of the roof. footage of the roof of my house. Okay, I hope you're not going to laugh. But have you seen these drone assholes, these fox? I mean, they got there, they're out there in the park, but they sound like dragonflies with epilepsy, they're like, E, right?

Have you heard that fetal juice when you're not in an alternate dimension? Alternate dimension. And the guy's like, hey, cool, man. I can see the McDonald's down on Oak Street. And I'm like, well, guess what, fucknard. I'm at my laptop in my fucking house on Google Earth, and I can see the whole fucking universe. Why don't you get an Uber drive to Oprah for a Winfrey's house

and suck hard on her left. fucking cellulite-covered ass cheek. Yeah, fuck me, right, yeah? Fuck me, I'm fuck Lake Superior. I'm pissed. I'm driving over here, some asshole, I'm driving over, some assholes walk up to me,

flip my fucking Prius. Fuck that bullshit. Probably Hillary supporters. Fuck that. And then I got. go over to lens crafters, right? And this fucking guy with the weirdest voice is helping me. Is anybody here about a family? Fuck me. Who's a fucking family? Anyone, fuck me. I don't know what that is.

What kind of headgear is that? Is that, I don't know what that is. Is that, is that, like, religious or is that just a hat? No, no real. Is that a communication major argument? Imagine her fucking wedding from? Fuck me. Do you take this man to be your lawful wedding husband? You want me to answer?

Then she turns into Nero? That was a throw-away game. That was an add-on. That was an add-on. Normally I don't do my impression. I don't throw them away on a rainy Thursday night, but I was like, you know, I'm going to throw it. I got it in my head.

I think this crowd needs an add-on. And, uh, no, fuck me. And I do this, I dropped this power bomb. Uh, some people think, okay, uh, you know, little red riding over here was a plant. But no way. That was fucking improv, gang. So what I did is I dropped a power bomb, an improv power bomb. Man, if you get through to the bathroom and get out of my spot.

I don't want her here. I don't want her here. I dropped a power bomb, and then I added, I tacked on, as we call it in the biz, I tacked on a bonus de Niro. Okay, well, let's move on. How about you? Do you have a family, my love? Yes.

Okay. How many, you know, in your family, I guess I should ask. What do you got? brother sister a fucking unicorn with you know hepatitis C how many in your family I have a brother and I have a mom no unicorn what about a dad he's dad he died way to fuck up my job unbelievable one person I needed a fucking dad for this I'm going to step on this fucking landline over here.

That's a throw-up, that's a throw-up. You see trains and they're not connected and they boom, they smack and then they hook. That's what I just keep you there. That's called in the biz we call it a double reverse train hook. I don't know. Okay, I hope you're going to laugh at my industry. Ma'am, if you could look away, I don't like your eyes.

It's not me, ma'am. I hate your fucking eyes. I'd rather be looking in Damien's fucking eyes right now. Okay. You can sit down now that you've released the Cracket. Don't go in there. It's not ready. Yeah, we figured that, man. You released a fucking mythological monster. We figure it ain't fucking good.

It probably smells like kelp, merry calendars chicken pop pie, and a dash of dinner number four from Wingtow Ha's fucking chop. suey hut on Melrose and La Brea. Fuck me, sideways, till next Thursday on a fucking wooden toboggan built in fucking Massachusetts. Suck my dad's fucking oily, scaly, scaly psoriasis scabs. Yeah, fucking right for the fucking holiday sucker. Suck him. Suck it right off this fucking pimply white, Veracruz vane, fucking ass knob. Anyone else want to fuck her out? I'll tear you a new asshole like fucking P.F. Chang of the fucking Fat Burger Festival.

All right, anyone got a family with a fucking dad, right? If you have, how many? How many do you have? Just one hour? That doesn't fucking work. Anybody? How about you, Avatar? You got a dad? You, the fucking blue, Avatar. The guy looks at this guy in the fucking Forest Gump Barbecue Festival shirt. I feel bad about your dad. That hurts. How did he die? Can I ask? Is that too much?

Cancer. Cancer? What kind? Pankyriatic. Fuck me, huh? Sorry. No, no. Don't say sorry. I feel for you, baby. it's like everyone in this fucking room has lost someone to cancer right everyone in this fucking room has lost someone to fucking cancer and sometimes a comedian can lose a show to

cancer because once that shit comes up i can't get back Beetle juice, beatlechus. Okay, well, you're still here. Man, I don't really hate your eyes. I love your beautiful eyes. If only I could see the things that your eyes have seen. The lilies and holland blowing in the breeze. That young boy, Finnbond, a binty donder, jumping off the

Taj Mahal and making suicide and landing at your feet and his intestine splattering all of your shins. A white rhino, one of the last remaining of that I had a big shot by a poacher in Kenya. If I could see the things you've seen. Nice of you to sit behind me when there's a whole fucking empty team. Hey Johnny, want to go to the movies and sit out in the snack bar? snack bar I like the stripe pattern it's like you don't know this but um you did that subliminally intentionally as a diversionary tactic you see the zebra was designed by God to have a stripe

When they cluster together, they confuse the eyes of predators, right? There's all these moving, blurry lines, and the lions and the jaguars, and the ocelots, quiet please, talking about big cats. They can't focus. And so you tonight have avoided being asked out by any men because they're confused. They don't know what to do. You're just a blur. Your breasts are like.

Park votes at Home Depot. Okay. You ever fart so hard? Fuck me, seriously. You ever fart so hard your asshole looks like an apple fritter? Nobody. Okay, well, move off.

Even the host is like rolling his eyes at you. If he was Garfield the cat, you got big fucking eyes and he rolls so hard, he'd get on them, roll his way to LAX and roll around the baggage claim fucking carousel. And pretend he was a roll on baggage with his fucking Garfield the cat, fuck eyes. Speaking of eyes, this guy here, you ever get porterbello mushrooms and put them on your eyes and cry, that portobello mushroom tears come down your face? Only after you have AIDS? What did you say?

AIDOM! Oh, AIM! I thought you said only after you had AIDS. You don't want to do that. Mushrooms and AIDS. a lot of good combo. Now, leukemia and asparagus, thank you. You're off to the races there. How about you, man? You must have a family. I bet you have a beautiful family, because you're a beautiful person. You have an aura. Have you heard that word, aura? You have an aura coming off of you, a beautiful, glowing presence to you.

Thank you. Thank you for letting me stand in your aura. I feel like I'm in a tanning band with glasses. What's your name, my love? I bet you have a wonderful exotic name. Tiffany. That's pretty exotic, huh? It could have been Barbara or Carol or...

Buck plug. Here's what I'm asking about family. about families. Do you have a family, my child? You don't know if you have a family? You're just a last little kid. Miao! When Pussy wants some milk. Miao! You're ready to talk yet, ma'am.

Oh, please. No. No. All right, well, now the O.C. wants me off the fucking stage. Thanks a lot. Thanks to you guys. No, that's on you. I come up here and I rip this fucking the Lahawai.

the La Haga factory. Let me close with this guy. I got one joke about the family, and then I'm getting the fuck out of Dutch. I'm going to go to Greenblats, get a fucking pastrami sandwich this fucking thick, and fuck it right in the ass.

No, I hope I get grizzle right up in the hole of my car. My piss, fat comes out. Fuck you. It's almost Christmas. You should be happy I'm doing this material. All right, here we go. Two minutes and I'm the fuck out of dog player. The reason I'm asking about families is because recently I investigated my own, my love. I went on Ancestry.com. It goes deep. You find out where the fuck you came from, right? I get on there

right out of the gate blew my fucking mind I had no idea again turns out my grandmother is my dad I went way back I went way back I went deep

I went deep deep I went back, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather, there's a sea cucumber. I sent in my DNA, I guess you couldn't do that where you'd come from, Beal Juice, because if you said in your DNA, you'd come back as all these different fucking creatures with seven heads and fucking bongo eyes and corn on the cob clit or whatever. Oh, just about everyone love a nice coat on the cockpit. Now, I don't know where y'all come from, but I've come from just about everyone like a coat on the car clip.

Last thing that I'm getting the fuck out of die. This Ancestry.com thing, Kitty Cat. You can send in your DNA. Have you heard about this? I send in my DNA. Holy fuck, turns out I'm the hillside strangler. Oh, come on, kitty cat. Fuck me, did you hear that? that?

Buddy, I'm all out of fucking maternity. Folks, have a great holiday. Give my head to my girlfriend right here. Give my hand. Jarlene. Happy holidays, Merry Christmas. You out and you out. There it is.

Yes. One more time. Larry Smith, everybody. That's the name I go up under when I'm just goofing around. I kind of go up, Larry Smith from Fresno. I go up by a lot of names, but I like to use Larry Smith from Fresno. Just the most basic, generic name ever. And then this guy comes up and starts talking about sucking on Oprah Winfrey's left ass cheek.

I don't know, man. It is fun. It is fun. And just so you know, the girl, the girl, in the front row whose father died from cancer. You know, even though I was playing around with it a bit, you can't see my facial expression, but I was winking at or I was smiling.

I was letting her know that I, you know, was sincere that I felt bad. And when I walked off stage, I patted her on the shoulder and blah, blah, blah. So I never make fun of somebody dying from cancer because, man, I lost my mother that way. But when you're on stage, you just absorb whatever is out there. That's the art of comedy, man. You just have to take.

And sometimes people give you answers that are like real stupid and silly and fun. And sometimes people give you answers that are tragic and painful. And so you've got to kind of think of a way to dance with them and make them part of the show somehow. It's a difficult task sometimes, but you know, you never know what you're going to get up there. That's why I love it. So I hope you enjoyed that, my premium members. Once again, thank you so much for joining.

It means a lot to me. I hope you're enjoying the premium content. I hope you're enjoying all the backlogged episodes of the Harland Highway, over 800 episodes. And in 2017, we'll keep bringing you special premium content that no one else gets except you. All right, there you go. Merry Christmas. Happy holidays. Love you guys. All the best, 2017.