The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - Crowd Control 3 part 2

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

Premium Members Only - hear part two of Harland's crowd work album, CROWD CONTROL 3 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello there, my premium members. Thank you for being premium members. You are so special. You're special. Hey, here's the second half of my comedy album, Crowd Control 3. You guys got the first half of it about a week ago, and now here is the second half. Just for you guys.

Nobody else is getting this. except for you guys. The regular pavement pounders don't get this. It's just all for you. So it's all crowdwork. It's at clubs all over the country. And this is me just going one-on-one with crazy, nutty people in the crowd.

It's all made up in the moment, and it can go good. It can go bad. But at the end of the day, it's usually pretty fun. So I hope you have some laughs and joy. Thank you so much for being premium members. you guys and take it away have some laughs crowd control three part two you have a tattoo partner huh who's got you got one over there what do you got my friend ma'am remember you were clapping

what do you got ma'am don't be shy dear what is it what's that I have a lot of you have a lot how many dear I'm about six of all right I'm going to have seat. What's the first one, man? I have a frog on my ankle. A frog on your ankle. Why do you have a frog, man? In case you're walking by some dog shit and there's some flies on it. What's the second one, dear? This is getting real fun, real quick. I've got a fantasy scene on my left shoulder.

A fantasy scene on your left shoulder. You just want to say it, ma'am? Someone blowing a water, come all over someone's hands. You heard the words copyright infringement, ma'am? It's one person that won't be buying your fucking shirt. She's got it blazing right onto her fucking flesh, buddy. You just lost 12 bucks because of her. What else do you got there, Sunshine?

An iguana on your right shoulder. All right, why do you have that, ma'am? I'd like to have a pet iguana when I lived in Mexico. You had a pet of guano when you lived in Mexico. That's the way you remembered him after you die. You got a tattoo of granny and grandpa on your ass? What's the fourth one, ma'am? We're almost home.

Huh? I'm a flower on my foot. A flower on your foot, man. What kind of flower, dear? Like a daisy. Like a daisy? He was right! He was right!

Hey, that's the country. That's the backwood. I'm sorry. Not as sorry as we are, sir. This fucking guy gets Daisy and he thinks he just won Jeopardy. Great, it's a fucking Daisy. I guessed it right, Alex. I'm going to get a fucking frog on my ankle with the money I'll win. All right, man. What's number five, dear?

Oh, yes, we do. It's my fucking show, isn't it? I'm a fairy. A fairy. And where's the ferry just jumping around in the forest? And what's the last one, man? Number six, we made it to the end. What is it, dear? A set of hands with a crystal ball.

A set of hands with a crystal ball, wishing you hadn't opened your fucking mouth. Well, thank you for sharing, ma'am. The real point of that exercise was to find out where the weird guy was. And we fucking found him. I guess the daisy! Oh, going to Baskin Robbins, I guess the daisy. Good to see you here. What's your name, fella?

Mike, what a treat. What do you do, son? Absolutely nothing. Well, then what the fuck are you doing here? Come on, buddy, everybody does something. What do you do, kid? School, there you go. You do school. run up and fuck the wall, do you? I'm doing the school. How are you there, Johnny Pinkle Pepper? What's your name, sir?

Bag? What's your last name, lady? What fuck, your name's bag? You ever get kicked? Are you kicked? Fucking bag in the house. What the fuck? Why do they call you a bag, son?

Huh? You don't know? What's your sister's name? Ziploc? Got a tattoo bag? Yeah. A tattoo of a twist tie or anything? What else would he fucking have?

Maybe a fucking cantaloupe rind tattoo or something? Some coffee grinds. How are you, buddy, all right? What's your name, friend? Mario, what a treat? What do you do, buddy? Still doing that video game? Who are you, man?

Donkey Kong? You like corn, buddy? Corn's good. You ever get naked, run around backwards through it? It's not good then, so you've tried it, have you? Somebody's phone ringing out there? I thought I heard a little... Is it over here?

Emergency? Big emergency, buddy? What kind of phone do you got, partner? Thank you. All right, simmer down. Not like a fucking turf war. Panasonic, motherfucker. Is that how you answer your fucking phone, sir?

Hello! How are you, sir? You okay? What's your name? Paul, what do you do, sir? What do you do, sir? What do you do, sir? You're what? A captain? Okay.

You're a fucking captain's here. Better watch myself. What do you mean you're a fucking captain, sir? You're a fucking Captain Crunch? What are you? Who are you, sir? chocula over here? What do you mean you're a captain, buddy? I don't get it. You're what? You're a captain on a boat? What kind of boat?

I love boat. Good job, dude. Fucking Betty Crocker's comedy helper over here. Have you been on his boat, buddy? Is that it? Making a little love to the captain over there? What kind of boat is it, captain? It's not a boat, okay? Just the captain of a fucking mall or something, are you?

Swab the gap, matey's. Food court, yo. Hot dog on a stick, starboard bow. It's good to see everybody here, nice and safe inside. I look at you, ma'am, all relax. What's going on? You want a sleeping bag, ma'am? Like you're nestled in a fucking koala's arms over there.

Some eucalyptus sleeves and there's some veggie farms. There's a guy with a hat. How are you, buddy? Good to see you with the hat. What was it fucking 80 today? Well, it's good to see everybody, isn't it? Huh? Sir, you doing all right there, fun bags, huh?

What's your name there, Tommy Timbertoes? What is it? John, what do you do, son? Oh my goodness, Lee. Would you like to wait for the jokes, please, sir? Are you over there talking on your fucking necktail? I'll send you to the fucking captain, sir. Would you like a tattoo, young fella?

Sure, what would you like, friend? Maybe the fucking health of it so we could talk. Lucky you wore the fucking hat, hey buddy. Listen, here comes the snowmobiles now. You got a tattoo, Big Mike? No, anyone over here, dear? There you go. What do you got, buddy? A dragon. Why do you have a dragon, man?

Because you can. Well, that's good. You've had fucking anything then? Because I can't. No, you can't. Take that off and get out of here. That's what your dad said, get out of here. Did he kick you out of the house for getting a tattoo? Twice.

Twice. So the dragon came home. Get your ass out of here, dragon bastard. Someone else over here? What do you got, dear? A four-leaf comb. What a treat. Would you like to get lucky tonight? Where's the dudes with the tattoos? How about you, three-dice McGillicuddy? Huh? You got a tattoo, buddy?

Ah, how many, where's the dudes with the tattoos, huh? Over here! What do you go? All right, next hell. What are you got, buddy? A fucking tattoo of a fucking megaphone. Because you don't need it, do you, sir? What do you got? What is it?

A lepracon. A lepracon. Oh, I wouldn't want to meet you in a dark alley. Fuck off. I've got yellow moons, orange clovers. Purple stars, fucker. You're going down. Are you Irish, sir? Is that why you got the leprechaun?

Yeah, what I think he is, yes. Is the Irish? Do you talk at all, sir? What's your last name, sir? Salcedo. Salcedo, yeah. And I'm fucking Korean, aren't I, sir? How are you? Heather, what do you do, my love?

A drilling engineer, man. drilling engineer, man. What the hell's a drilling engineer? You look for oil. Drilling, so you look for oil. How do you do that, man? Just run around with a black and decker and shove it in people's lawns. Woo! No, nothing here. It's a fucking girl drilling our lawn, John. Get the leaf blower, hurry! God, what a treat! How are you, son?

You're doing all right, Bruce Banner? What's your name, son? Ben, what a treat? What do you do, young fella? A faculty assistant. What's that? I mean, you get the donuts? Good for you, Ben.

Good, happy Krispy Kreme. How are you, sir? You all right? Good to have you here. Your name, sir? Mike, what do you do, my friend? Project manager. sir oil company like to do a little drilling later sir i know someone who can instruct you on that

he'll get the donuts god animals everywhere aren't they're hot you like animals sir What's your favorite animals, sir? The dashhound. Now, you see a lot of them on the Discovery Channel, don't you, stalking zebra through the fucking grass? The wild dashhound took down the zebra and ate it through the ass forward. Do you have a dog, sir? Do you have a dash hound?

Did your dog do tricks, sir? Does he? Does he put relish on himself or anything? There's too many animals. You ever been attacked by an animal there, a little partner? Running around with a fucking double pepperoni and a fucking werewolf jumps out of you. Here, take a slice. Fuck off.

What have you been attacked by a little partner? Huh? What kind of dog? You don't know? Who came at you so fast? It was like a fucking flash of lightning. Was it shaped like a weiner? Any students with us tonight? Are you? What are you studying, buddy? What is it?

You're a firefighter, sir. And how do they try? train in that class, huh? You sit around in light matches. I mean, is it really that hard? Fuck, this is fire. This is water. Now you've graduated. Fuck off. Good for you, sir. That's heroic work, isn't it?

You're not going to be afraid to run in a burning building and save a life? Good for you, sir. Have a seat, sir. Anybody here ever been in a fire? Have you? What happened, buddy? Can you tell us? This will be learnings for the fellow over here. What happened there, Z-Z-Toth? Fucking reeferlight your fucking cunt on fire there? You were smoking some weed and boiling a chicken.

Man, that must have been powerful wheat. You got the munchies while you're still smoking it. So what happened? The chicken went on fire? Heat came out. Maybe next time you'll take the feathers off, sir. We didn't learn much there, did we, sir? All we learned is stoners cause fires.

Can't fly anymore. Do you fly at all, buddy, when you're not at home playing with the wiener dog? Anybody fly at all, huh? Do you fly there some? Anybody, sir? I bet you fly with your little white shirt. Where do you fly, sir? Sir, where do you fly? You fly all over the country. What do you do, sir? You're dropping leaflets? What's that? You're an engineer, so shouldn't you be taking the train all over the country? Something's not adding up here, sir.

How about you, buddy? I bet you fly around for big domino's conventions, huh? Look at big pizza convention up in Chicago, discussing some new pepperonies, huh? God, you like octopuses, huh? You ever seen an octopus, little buddy? How about you, partner? Huh? You saw an octopus today, did you? Ouch snorkeling somewhere, were you, buddy?

Down to Galveston for a big scuba session, were you? Where'd you see a godforsaking octopus? Over at Office Depot trying to get a refill? You what? They have them in the back. Back here? You folks back there, here's what he's calling you. God, you like animals, buddy, you're a student.

You must study them all the time, huh? What's that, buddy? Just she. There you go. Yeah. Are you the teacher, sir? You're a bad man, sir. Do I want lessons?

Okay. Looks like I called your bluff, sir. Dr. Sheepfucker over here. Huh? Yeah, you ever do a dolphin in the back of the head? I don't know if you're going to do a sheepfucker. You're going to do a sheep, why not? You're a strange man, sir.

How are you doing there, Jesus of Nazareth? What's your name? Good to have you here. What do you do, son? You're a Starbucks employee. Are you the employee of the month? How tall are you, sir? You a latte or grande?

You're a Vinti. What the hell's a Vinti? The big one? You're a Vinty, huh? Ma'am, is that true? She's shaking her head. Do you like animals, buddy? Huh?

What's your favorite animal? A dog? A dog? What kind, friend? Black lab, huh? Why? You got to play the race card. Do you have a dog partner?

I have a cat. Do you? You love dogs so much you got a fucking cat, didn't you, sir? This guy's got me all fucked up over here. Just keep picturing him, banging a sheep on a ceiling mattress. I haven't had a clear thought since I started talking to him. So you like dogs and you got a little cat?

What's your cat's name, son? Kitty, there's a fucking original babe, huh? How'd you come up with that one? God, I can't wait till you have kids. Boy, come here! Good Lord. Great to be here, Guy. This is fun to be an old Dallas town, are you a Dalosian?

All right, if your opponent raised it, Dallytown, kid? Whereabouts? Where are you at, guy? Dallas, what region, friend? Over here, sir, talking to a kid right up front. What are you from, kid? North Dallas. Dallas so that way and up what street are young guy what street no street so you're homeless you get a made up a fucking street I'm not like fucking Google Maps up here

really made up any I'm from fucking snap dragon Boulevard okay secret spy up here has to hide his identity from him. It's a crazy world, isn't it? Where do you fit in, little buddy? How do you work on? Are you working? Where do you work, partner? Talk to me. Talk to me. You work for real estate. Who do you sell? Well, he's lying, isn't he? Well, you don't want to know. You don't have a home. You don't know. Is that why you're with this schedule to sell him some fucking land? He doesn't need your landing walks wherever the fuck you want.

Here's a guy here, sir, with the glasses, your name, friend? Phil. Phil, there you go. What do you do, Phil? Sales. Technology. Technology. You sold technology.

Holy shit. What kind? Networking. Networking. What does that mean? BORN. BORN, as she said. She sells porn.

Yeah. Jim, how would you know exactly? Stand up so we can all recognize you. Good for you. Good to have it here, Phil. These your buddies at the table with you? Are they your high school buddies or work with you? school buddies or work buddies?

Family. Are you family? Okay, huh? Dad? Is that dad there? There's your dad. What's your name, sir? Michael.

There you go. What are you doing, Michael? Insurance. When you orgasm to yell, AFWAC! You can hear that still coming through the wall? Affleck! Some little texting over there.

Try to hide it, your fucking face is blowing. Either take your bells here, you're from fucking Chernobyl, all right? How are you, ma'am, right here? What's your name, my child, my tender child? Alexander. Alexander. What a regal name. Isn't that real?

That's got a Roman quality to it, huh? Is this your boyfriend? Sir, do you use Trojans? The polar ice caps are melting. Yeah. Yeah, oh all you want, you're about to drown, motherfuckers. Where do you work, Wildfingers? Downtown Dallas.

What do you do downtown, twiggle nuts, but dingo buckles? You're an attorney. Do you like nature? Can I ask you that? We're all part of it. I like nature. You get up canoeing and stuff, throw long darts? Sure. You like animals? Yes. What's your favorite animal, my attorney, friend?

Favorite animal is probably the mountain line. The mountain line. Why's that? I don't know. Because they're predatory? They're stealthy. They slink through the bushes. Pounce on you.

Wicked your throat up. Kind of like an attorney. I love into that one side. I love nature, I love, I'm with you, I think we all love nature. You must love it, you're in it all day. So did you eat grasshoppers and stuff? I like it. You're here, buddy. Now what's going on? I don't like it that you're alone. I don't like that at all. I'm having a little fun. Were you with the little lady and she took off? Yeah, of course. You got a divorce. I've been there, buddy. I've been there. I can relate. I feel the pain. How long were you with her, guy?

15 years. 15 years. It's not easy, is it? Worst thing that ever happened to me in my life getting a divorce. It's not fun, huh? I'm happy. You're happy. Well, good for you. I was trying to figure out how the fuck to get out of that one. What's that, buddy? Do you want it?

What's that, my friend? What's that, my friend? Are you from Mexico, Madre? Are you a Mexican? Where are you from? I love that accent, too. What is it? You're from Soviet Union. You're from Soviet Union.

The Mexican part? I'm from old bloody Vasta. You got a great voice, dude. Where are you from, man? I told him, we're from Moscow. From Moscow. What street? Sleaf, what number? I'm taking my fucking inventory. I'm taking, I'm thinking of vlogging inventory.

I'm going to sign you up to the ride. to drive. There's another big hook of English. Are you from here, guy? You were you born and raised? Yeah, what do you do here in Texas? Over here, there's a kid. What do you do, guy? You gamble.

Holy shit. Well, you lost tonight. You sat right in the front row, and I'm going to fuck with you all the night. Actually, you look like a fucking leprechaun, are you? Do people tell you that? Are you Irish, dude? How are you, ma'am, you doing good? You ever fart so hard, your asshole looks like an apple fritter? See, you got some nice yummy corn chips, young fellow.

Look at that little treat. Oh, I got one, all right. I stole one right out from under your eyes. Kind of the same way you slipped. an ace out from under your sleeve and robbed the casino. You ever fucking old lady? Check it out. Oh, Sounds like.

Too soon, too soon. How do I know, man? Well, why don't you meet me at the Hotel Six later? I'll show ya. I can show you. Well, folks, it has been a pleasure to be here in Dallas town. I love coming here. I love old Texas.

I really do. Thank you very much, Dallas. God bless you. Thank you. Well, there you go. There's a bunch of crazy crowd control, stand-up comedy interaction with me and Most of that came out of Texas, but there are a few clips in there that probably came from other places. But the majority of those improvs with the crowd were out of good old Texas Town.

So I hope you enjoyed Crowd Control, Volume 3. Thanks for picking it up, and we'll catch you next time with more lunacy and more crazy people in the crowd on crowd control number four. Keep on being crazy and keep on laughing.