The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - Harland does ZIKA comedy.

Episode Date: August 12, 2016

Harland goes live on stage claiming to be the worlds 1st and only ZIKA stand up comedian. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, premium members. How are you? Welcome to another premium edition of the Harland Highway, just for you. No, no, no, no, no. The other wonderful pavement pounders don't get to hear this stuff. Just you. Because you went ahead and became a premium member, and you deserve to be treated special.

And so you get all this material that nobody else gets to hear. Just you. PMs, premium members. So thank you so much, you guys, for joining up. I hope you're enjoying the premium content. As you know, when I go out and do my stand-up comedy, I like to experiment. I like to try different things.

And so today's premium content is yours truly. down at the world famous laugh factory on the sunset strip in Hollywood, California. Live. Well, it's not live. I recorded this live, but it's obviously not live because I'm talking to you. Dalo. But on this night, I decided to kind of go up on stage under the fantasy that I was the very, first stand-up comedian with the Zika virus.

I was the, I'm the world's first Zika comedian. Now, I don't really have the Zika virus and I feel bad for those that do, and this isn't to mock people with the Zika virus. It was just a, it was just a ridiculous point of view to go on stage, you know, being proud and touting that I'm the world's first Zika. comedian. It's just, it's so ridiculous that I thought it would be funny. And so I played that up quite a bit out of the gate. I built everyone up and, uh, kind of ran with it. And then, you know, as I, as I went along through most of this acts improvisational, uh, I don't know that I even did any

material. I might have. I don't know if I did. I think I was up there 20 minutes. I'm not sure if I did any material at all. But I talk to the crowd and, uh, you'll hear there's, there's a beat in here where I kind of figured out, well, I kind of anointed some guy that was sitting alone that he was a serial killer, and I ran into some Asian people in the back where I talked to them about their culture. Now, keep in mind, sometimes when you listen to this stuff and you're not there, I don't know if sometimes it sounds like mean or vicious or cruel, but it's not, believe me, the way I approach my audiences, the way I deal with them, it's all with a wink and a nod and a grin on my face and the people in the crowd know that I'm messing

with them to a degree. Most of them do, but it's never malicious. It's never meant to be harmful or mean or it's just silly and fun and it's ridiculous. And if you're in the room and maybe you'll capture this listening, you will catch the tone and the mood and the feel that I set when I cast my spell over these victims, over these customers. So here we go.

Let's go along for the ride. Please enjoy the world's first Zika stand-up comedian. Just for you, my premium members. Thanks again for joining and enjoy the show. He's one of my favorites.

He's really love watching and perform. You guys are going to level. Start clapping right now. Get the energy up. Larry Smith from Fresno guys, come on. Perfect, Ralph. Perfect. Thank you. Whoa. Hey, gang, how about a hand for the whole room? Everyone's really good tonight. I feel like it's been a real honest, honest effort tonight. And I feel like it's been a real honest effort tonight. And I appreciate that.

I want everyone to know the staff, the management, Louise Carlson in the back. She's back there. Our sound guy, Tom Edison. You're going to laugh at people. Carol Davidson in the kitchen back there. I see people have drinks. Great, great bartending staff back there.

We got Eddie Monk. Montgomery and Paul McCharles. Great. Great. I thought you're going to laugh with people. Maybe not proud for me. It's great to see everyone. Wow, this has been a whirlwind week for me, as I guess most you know. Have people been watching CNN who watch the CNN?

CNN from the Fox and MSNBC. Yeah. Maybe not the crowd for me. What a world when you look at people in the media and the spotlight and you just have no idea the firestorm that erupts when you're thrust into the spotlight the way I was this week. And I had no idea that coming out this week as the first North American comedian, and it wasn't easy, the first North American comedian with the Zika virus. And, you know, the questions, they've all been asking, you know, how did you get the Zika? You know, how do you feel?

Do you have night sweats? So you shiver, do you, you know, do you hide in a corner and shiver in your own shadow? Do you go to merry calendars and sweat into your meatloaf? Things like this. And here's how I got it. And I think we all know, we all heard of the Zika virus. we all know it's a sexually transmitted disease from mosquitoes and in a way I guess I blame myself gang certainly could just pay a little more attention to my world anyone here been to Florida at all this

should help try the room to go out you think I said you had your hand up right away man when were you there my love pardon me love two weeks ago What part of Florida were you in, my dear? Miami. Miami, that's the area. That's where it went down for me. That's where I got Zika. What were you doing down there, my love?

Vacation. Pardon? Partying, beach. Partying, and then there was a beat. Well, this is where it happened to me. The mosquito, and again, sexually transmitted disease by a mosquito, I'm on the beach, late at night, the air is warm, it's tropical. There was a full moon kid.

I know you must like a full moon, because, you know, you've got that teen wolf hairdo. And I'm out on the beach, and has anyone here ever had sex on the beach? Let's be honest, gang. Look, I do real comedy. I don't come up here and make up premises. I don't, oh boy, I'm tired, I just flew. hey you know I do real shit so you don't like real shit you know why don't you just grab your clips and fuck off on the boat has anyone had sex on the beach before

there's got to be someone in this room who's had sex on a beach have you man ranger thank you what which beach my love Manhattan Beach Miami Beach you're just like a Sam swim Wow. But, so, you know, you get this sexually transmitted diseases by mosquitoes, and here I am in the hotbed of Zika. I'm in Miami. I'm on a beach in the middle of the night, and I'm naked.

You know, sir, you can picture that if you want. I'm naked on the beach, and I'm going to get a little graphic here, but let's not all pretend we went to hoo-ha college, okay? all human I think everyone in this room has had sex so if I get a little graphic I just calm down I was on the beach just giving her okay I mean I was all the big I was just giving her you know just like fucking deep and delicious with Keynes deep and delicious cake from Hamilton and and and I'm there on the beach I'm fucking this mosquito.

And it must have been a virgin because there was blood everywhere, right? Just blood. It's an odd thing of mosquito. Has anyone been bit by a mosquito this summer at all? Anybody? Yeah. Yeah, well, you've done just about anything, you have.

Now when I won't ask the ground, just come right to you anyone ever slammed their cock in a revolving door oh yes of course you have ma'am while you were getting fucked on a beach and fucking man ma'am if you would do me a favor and just look away i don't like your eyes You know, kind of a dumb animal, you know, their diet is blood, okay? They don't care about blood types, they just want blood, they want to suck blood. And you think if you were a specialist in consuming blood, you... You...

Is that a red cross truck? Hold on, I know my sirens, shh. Oh, okay. If some guy in a truck, someone's going to, you know, throw him on a routine, he can go, you know, he can go to veggie grill, put his clit on a portobello mushroom sandwich and slam up with a fucking Chinese Korean waffle iron. Oh, Kim, I win that.

Like him, I win that round. But, you know, you think if you're a specialist in sucking blood, you'd have an idea, right? Like an anteater knows to go into a fucking, fucking ant-nest, okay? A fucking anteater knows. You know, there's a fucking toymite mount over there. I'm going to go lick me some fucking toymites. I'm a fucking anteater over here, right? See, you think a mosquito would go right for the fucking vernacular or whatever that one

means, the jugular, is it the jugular? You'd think of it in a fucking juicy, like, heroin vein or something, right? With these fucking dumb-ass, I'm gonna say it, fucking retod, fucking mosquito. You'll just be one like on your fucking eyebrow where there's tons of fucking bone, like right there, the little fucking thing, how does it even get in there? What do you get off me, you retod? Family, are you retarded too? I don't want to offend, and she's everything.

She's a retard too, and I don't want to offend. Great, sir, I just noticed you're all alone, guy. No, that's, we don't laugh at alone people. We don't laugh at them because we don't laugh at them because we... because we have compassion for our fellow human beings. We don't know this loner's story. We don't know why he's alone, why he's hurting, why his eyes are filled with pain.

We don't know why he's got a brand new Home Depot shovel in the back of his car. And it's compassionate human beings, ladies and gentlemen. You know, the giggles stop at McDonald's. Donald. We, the laugh factory. We care about our fellow human beings. And when they're alone, while the rest of us are secure and safe in a group with a companion.

We reach out to our friends that have nobody. Why are you alone, guys? The what? They canceled them. They canceled them. canceled on you. Who's they? The people that are going to show up. The people that are going to show up.

Friends? So called friends. Imaginary? What's that? You can't go catfishing. You can't go catfishing. No, no, we're going to grab on a lot. Because if you look in this sea of faces of people that are with someone, they can wake up in the morning and go catfishing.

But you can't because you have no one to untie the boat and push you out. But what you do get to do tonight that they don't is you get to enjoy murdering. And they don't get that because there'll be witnesses, but you alone creeping through the blueberry bushes. There's a couple back here, I just got to point this up, because I don't want to hurt anyone with my comedy. Retard, I do this for five. This isn't about hurting, this is about having some giggles. I don't know if you saw the sign. This isn't the cheesecake factory

game. This is the La Gatha factory. Now, earlier, I made a reference, and it might have been cold. It might have been insensitive for me to throw it out there, but I believe I said a Chinese-Korean waffle iron.

It was a throwaway. I didn't think it would hurt anybody. I didn't think it would hit anybody right here. But then with my perceptive eyes, some say I have the night vision of an owl. I don't say others do. I look towards the back of the room and I see two Asian friends. One looks Chinese and one looks Korean. And I have to ask you two, do you have a waffle iron? No. No.

You will. You what? Koreans don't make off the line. Koreans don't. I was talking to the Chinese ladies today. So you're Korean, my friend. I'm definitely Korean. You're definitely Korean.

Did you think I was going to run down in DNA or something? Now I know Korean people have beautiful exotic names. Most of us have boring run-of-the-mill names. David, Larry, Karen, Barbara. But this fucking Woffel Iron Wingnut, this guy's gonna have one of the most flowery, beautiful, exotic names you've ever heard. In fact, some of you are probably going to shark when you hear it. Now, sir, no bullshit.

I want to hear your full name, first and last, go. And when I say go, I mean, that's probably your first name, isn't it? What's your name, Guy? Give it to me. Work with me, Guy. Work with me. It's Songwu. Was that right?

It's a Songwu. Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, to take advantage of the beauty of that name, the exotic sensibility of that name, tonight I want all of you when you're achieving. When you orgasm. I don't want you to moan or not want you to moan or yell up our lord's name i want you to go oh oh oh chung wu i won't regret that man are you chinese my love

no the the lady beside my korean friend chung wu what ma'am filipino same thing Now, ma'am, I know you have a beautiful, exotic name with a hidden meaning to it. Many of these Asian names have a meaning like Chung Wu probably means God of Fire or dragon with ginger vitus, something. Am I right, Blang Chunk? Now, ma'am, your name, ready, go. Maria. Maria. So you're Mexican Puerto Rico?

Maria what now? Sanchez. Sanchez. Can I say two words? Can I say two words? Ma'am, have your permission to say two words? Ancestry.com. Philippino, she's Filipino.

I'm a little Vietnamese schoolboy, huh, guy? So if you could take your hand off your mouth, it makes me think you're a spitting cobra from the jungles of the Borneo forest and you're going to inject venom into my face. And if you give me a hard time, my friend will kill you. Oh now, I didn't expect you to cheer that now. But really, I think we just fucking peeled back the onion right there.

Great crowd. Real sexual energy here to me. Just sexual energy here tonight. Ma'am, you have a very, very cheery disposition. Your name, my love, and then I got a pop right into my routine, gang. Ma'am, your name, love? love? Stephanie. Beautiful name, huh? Shall we? Do you like that? Chubaka, did you hear me? Stephanie, what do you do, my love? Let's get through this gang and we're going to pop right into my routine. Let's have some summer

What do you do love? I'm going into my senior year. You're going into your senior year. Here we go. Whereabouts, love? You see Santa Barbara? You see Santa Barbara? No, I don't, because I'm surrounded by walls. You see fucking Santa Barbara?

You see fucking Santa Barbara? Like a fucking X-ray vision with this asshole. Stephanie, gang, here we go, okay? Here we go. What are you studying at USC, ma'am? Here we go. What are you studying stuff first? Huh?

Film, holy shit. That'll be nice getting hold of people's dirty teeth. if you can not scratch your chin and strong already how are you, man, you having fun? Let me ask you this. You ever put a cheerio in your asshole and whistle a Rihanna song?

You will, you will. Get a load of whistle and will. over here. Well, you can maybe not waitress in the middle of my routine. I don't have to make a living, but, you know, sometimes when a waitress approaches in the middle of my summer concert series, I'm actually going to laugh. I like this guy right here. I'm going to call you Cool and Luke, because you got the cool.

I look around this room full of nerds and losers. What I see is a cool guy, right here. Give me your name, guy, and then we're going to jump right into my app here. Eric. What is it? Eric. Here we go, gang. Here we go.

Let's lay down some pipe. What do you do? What do you do, Guy? You work for the government. Holy shit. Everyone's a little tent. Everyone's a little tense right now. Everyone's a little mad at the government.

We got two incredibly opposed presidential candidates right now. Can I just take a little, before we get into your life, can I take a little, who's going through the trumper? Who's trumping it up? No, one person in here is for Trump. We wouldn't be honest about that. What's that, ma'am? What's that, peach fucker?

I can't believe not. One person is going for Trump. There we go. See now, I know there's other people. And this is the sad state of American politics. We're in the land of the free. America, the land of the free. And no one in this room felt free enough

to say what they wanted to vote for. That's sad. So I have to assume everyone else is voting for ankles. Okay, have you seen the fucking beef potty's up cooking people? I'm the big... Shouldn't you be on a riverbed in Colorado stopping dinosaur footprints into the mud? Okay, well now I see I got the light and it looks like I don't have time to pop into my eye.

Well, there you go. The technology, my recording device just fizzled out there right at the end, but luckily I was just, it was on my last words. I was about to say goodnight to the crowd, so you didn't get to hear my final goodbye. But as you can hear, I did get to one joke in my act right at the end. The cancels joke about Hillary Clinton. is a real joke from my act.

So I guess the whole rest of that, that whole set was just made up on the spot. And I guess the thing I like about doing that, not only, you know, it feels like the crowd likes it, but I just don't know what the hell is going to come out of my mouth. And, you know, I have to listen to these back just to make sure that there's no technical glitches

or anything like that. And I hate to sound like a jackpot, but I was actually laughing myself listening to this. There was some, I don't know. That's the fun of comedy. And that's the joy of what I do. I get to laugh with people. I get to laugh at myself.

I hope I make you guys laugh. And that was a fun night with the world's first Zika comic, serial killer in the crowd. My Asian friends, we had a woman who liked to have sex on a beach. We had a woman that went to UC San Diego And I convinced her that I could not see San Diego And so on and so on So I hope you guys enjoyed that It is a honor, a pleasure to supply this material

Just for you guys, my premium members Please tell your friends to jump on board And I sincerely thank you once again For making the effort To support the show and support the podcast And all that fancy stuff off. So there you go. Until the next one, gang. Keep it real in the deal. And we'll hit you up soon with more premium content. Until then, you know the drill. Chicken. Chalman, baby.

Thank you.