The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - HARLAND LIVE ON STAGE

Episode Date: July 19, 2016

Harland steals another comics act to try and 'Make it' in the biz. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey there, premium members. How are you? How are you, my premium peeps? My premium members, uh, thanks for being here. Uh, hey, we have another special, uh, segment just for you. Because you joined the, the premium membership. You get all the, uh, special beef. We keep hidden in the back of the restaurant.

which doesn't sound really that good, but I said it. Tonight is, or today, whenever you listen to your premium beef, is a segment that I recorded at the Hollywood Improv on Melrose just the other night. And as you know, as I've told you, I like to go up an experiment and try different things and different angles. And I never know how it's going to go. I can eat it. I can get some laughs. So on this night, I went up kind of under the guise that I was having a show business meltdown on stage.

And I was kind of pretending that my ship had never come in in the stand-up comedy world. And so I was just going to steal someone else's act because they got rich and famous. And they weren't really around that much anymore. and tough shit for them and I'm going to take my piece of the pie and run so it was really I really went out there on a limb I didn't know what the hell would happen I sure had a lot of fun doing it because I think the crowd wasn't sure if I was being real or fake even some of the comics in the back of the room when I got off stage with they're like dude was that a real meltdown or what and so I had a blast doing it

It's kind of a mixture of funny and weird, but, you know, that's the kind of stuff that I like to provide just for you premium members. So I hope you enjoy me stealing someone else's act and have a listen and hopefully have a few laughs. This next guy, I've been at a Whole Depot, who came all the way in from Fresno. Please put your hands together for Larry Smith. Perfect, dude. Thank you. Hey, Gaglitz. Hey, Gaglitz.

If we could quiet it down, I'm going to do a show. Good to be here. I'm going to have for the other guys and girls out there. We're going to keep it down to show. Well, it's good to be here, folks. folks, sir, you could just tone it down a little bit. Matt, you could get to leave.

It's good to be a who here likes comedy, let's see. You know, I was hoping maybe you'd like it a bit more, so I'm going to throw it out there again. Who here likes comedy. You can not ruffle through your purse in the middle of my routine. Disrespectful. Well, listen, gang, you came on a bittersweet night for me. This is one of those rare nights where you get to see a comic implode a little bit tonight.

This is going to be a change of course of direction for me. direction for me guy everyone everyone knows me from you know doing stuff but you know sometimes you got to go enough is enough when does the racehorse I could take behind the barn and get shot between the eyes and it's fucking pupil slides through the air and hit little korea boys in the forehead with a giant fucking horse pupil on the middle, people would think he was like an Asian cyclone. But I got to a place, see, where I've been on the road.

The road is a lonely, tiring place. It's, you know, if I see one more motel six with, you know, semen on the ceiling tan and fucking truss painted over on the walls and, you know, fucking stains on the carpet. But it's fucking killing me, gang. Enough. So I'm changing course a little tonight, gang. It's time for this guy to get some rich and famous.

Yeah. And it's been happening the way I've been doing things for the last 20 years. And so tonight, I appreciate your patience. I go through this meltdown and this change in direction, this course correction, as they say, in the submarine world. Any submariners here? Okay, well, we're going to laugh. So anyways, I want my bite of the cheese, gang.

Now, I don't know what you folks do. Why don't we throw the fishing line up there? Okay, what do you do for a living? I'm a paycheck. You do what? I'm a teacher. You're a teacher? Yeah.

Well, you're lucky. I don't know if the teacher's a good idea if you can't even speak, right? You know, you hear me, said, I'm a teacher. Well, okay, I guess there's retard schools, right? Well, you know, don't awe me, man. You're the only one that sounds like you're sucking on a fucking stock of celery But I'm sure you'd rather be the principal, right? Or should I say the pithable?

Instead of the teacher. And that's what's happening up here tonight as you experienced my meltdown. Here's how I'm changing course. There was a guy in the 70s and the 80s, comedian, not around so much nose moors. Gentlemen, you might know, fuzzy hair, dry, slow to deliver. Gang, Stephen Wright, gang.

Now, if Stephen Wright ain't going to be around nose moors, and he became rich and famous, I think it's my turn. And so tonight I officially take his act. Tonight I'm course correct. And if Stephen Wright wants to bring litigation, so be it. You know, I don't know if catfish have clips, but he can go suck a catfish play. Look, it's this fellow, if he's going to abam in his act, somebody's going to pick it up, and that's me, gang.

From now on, I sleep at the Ritz fucking Carl. So here we go. I'm going to. Thanks. I have a friend that works at an AM radio station. Every time we drive under a bridge, I can't hear them talk. If a cucumber and a sea cucumber match on Tinder, how do they ever meet?

One of them either drowns I'm one of them suffocate Thanks The Vegas starfish lays in the water at night And looks up into the sky And sees other stars And says

How'd the fuck did my family get up there I saw a zebra the other day and a self-checkout. I was there for 12 hours every time it ran its arm over the same. I went out with a girl the other night, she had a 14-inch clip. In the middle of sucking on it, I realized, wait. This is a guy. Okay, well, you know what? I was in the now you're wrecking my act. I was in the middle of doing Steve, you know, my new act, and then, you know, you walked right through it.

I just did a, you know, you know, this is... You know, this is, boy, you know, you think stuff just comes to me when I'm doing other people's materials? Now, this is where this generation, and I see a lot of young people in the car, and if you hear the spite of my voice, this generation. You know, I'm up here in the middle of a very craftily worded, elongated, clit joke. I'm up you're saying I'm sucking on an 18-inch clit. I don't remember the length. And two text generation draws to a break through the middle of it.

And fuck me over in the middle of my meltdown. And I'm not, I'm not happy about it. You know, let's, let's say, you know, let's, you know, I think I did on some here because I did a whole bunch of new materials, Stephen Wright material. And I pick up on things. I'm what you call a perceptionist, okay? Not to be mixed up with a receptionist. On that note, and you had an Australian accent, and I appreciate that because it's very close to the British accent.

And I saw a British comedian, and I'm not ripping off his act. I'm going to, no, I took Stephen Wright, but this guy. I'm only taking one of his jokes. I saw you like this, because you're under the Commonwealth with the Queen. Pardon me? I hate the Queen. You hate the Queen? Uh, whoa, yeah.

Isis. Damn, get the fuck out. Just get the fuck right out of here. I'm on your my show. But I've been stealing Stephen Wright's jokes. And again, if it's Steven Wright, if this filter's back to him, litigate. I don't care.

But this joke I'm going to borrow. It's from another comedian, a British comedian. Ma'am, pay attention. He could bring your hand down away from your mouth, my love. British, if I can get some quiet as I'd roll into this, I'm sure you've seen a plane slowly rolls before lift off. I'd like a quiet room before I lift off into a joke. If you want to laugh, laugh at the punchline. Don't laugh ahead of the game game.

I mean, did someone punch you in the trot with a waffle iron? Oh, here it is, Ron. Well, listen to this. I went to see me mate the other day. He walks downtown at an office building, right? I walked into the office building. I walked up to the receptionist. She was sitting at a little desk, the receptionist.

And there's a sign behind her head. It says, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps. And she's written it in her own thesis. And that's a British guy. He'll never know he's in Britain. He won't know I did his joke. All right, I'm going to end with the Stephen Wright joke. And then, well, let's say, a Father Williams joke.

Let's say, uh, Larry Smith. He'll put his back. Mother, Judge, and speed, huh? Alright, here's my last joke and then I gotta get out of here, gang, and start for new life as a rich and famous comedian. Thanks. One of the Cyclops goes into the Apple Star and says, I want an iPhone. Does the receptionist go? All of you, I'm just going to say it, you know, fuck off the hell.

Each number of one of you, pull out your fucking pocket mirrors, look yourself in the eye, you know, I'll say it, you know, F-O-T-H, all of you. Fuck off the hell. I'll thank you to get a round of applause, please. Thank you. Please follow up at Stephenright.com. Thank you very much. So there it is.

There it is. And obviously, the whole thing was a joke. Actually, I only did one Stephen Wright joke. The joke, the very first joke, where I said, I have a friend who works at an AM radio station, and every time we drive under a bridge, I can't hear him talk. That was the only Stephen Wright joke that was actually Stephen Wright that I did. And, of course, I stole his whole demeanor on the way he says, thanks. You know, when people applaud, he goes, thanks.

By the way, Stephen Wright, hilarious. One of the most brilliant, funny comedians probably I've ever seen. If you don't know Stephen Wright, look them up, man. Look them up and listen. Talk about clever joke writing. Holy smokes. That's what I complain about in the stand-up world these days. It's not enough people write clever jokes,

and Stephen is the master. I mean, that guy is amazing. He really was huge back in the day. He's still huge, He has kind of, you know, disappeared to a degree. You don't hear about him or see him that much anymore. And so obviously, I was just having some fun there. I'm not really stealing Stephen Wright's act.

I was just, as I said at the outset, experimenting and goofing around. And by the way, the joke at the end about the, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps, and she wrote it in her own feces, That is actually a real joke from a British comic, and I can't remember his name, but credit goes to him. Sorry for borrowing your joke, but it just popped into my head, and I always thought that was a hilarious joke. So, yeah, two borrowed stolen jokes, and the rest of it was just all me, putting it on for the crowd. And as you could hear, I think some people believed it and some people didn't. And I certainly had fun experimenting, and that's the kind of stuff I like to do on a, you know, a kooky night where I jump up in new spots here in Hollywood.

And believe it or not, that's kind of how I work. That's how I create new material. That's how I feel new sensations. I go in new directions. I try things like that. And usually out of that, I always seem to find something that. I'll end up putting into my real act or I'll find some kind of cadence or some kind of inflection or some kind of mannerism that I'll incorporate or put into my act.

So it's not all just fun in games. I am actually searching for technique. And, you know, it's as much fun for me as it is for the crowd, I think, because I haven't rehearsed that stuff. I haven't planned it. just kind of go up and pick an idea and let it roll out. And so in my head, I'm having a good time. I'm amusing myself.

So I hope you guys were amused. I hope you liked it. I'll keep this kind of nutty stuff coming your way. Again, I sincerely thank you so very much for being premium members. I hope you're having a good time with it. Tell your friends. And that's it, gang. If you want to follow me on tour,

stephenwright.com. Until next time, Chicken Challenge. Maine, baby. And I guess I should say, thanks. See ya.