The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - Harland LIVE on the Sunset Strip - Stand Up!

Episode Date: July 29, 2016

Harland has fun with the crowd at the world famous Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood, CA. Enjoy Premium Members! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, my premium members, how are you? Welcome to another amazing premium member content episode here. First and foremost, as always, thank you so much for joining our premium membership. It means a lot to me, and I hope you're enjoying. the premium content that we're bringing especially for you. Nobody else gets to hear this, but you guys. You paid for it. You get it.

So thank you so much. This is yours truly doing some live stand-up at the world-famous comedy store on the sunset strip in Hollywood, California A. and it was one of these nights where, you know, I kind of go and I work out new material or I just kind of wing it with the crowd to see what comes up. And on tonight's little segment, you'll hear almost the first maybe five minutes. There's a thing called a callback in the world of comedy. It's a callback where a comedian maybe heard something or brings back something that he

did in the beginning of his routine and then brings it back later in his routine. Well, what I did is I sat in the back of the room and watched some of the other comedians before I went up and one of them was a young girl and she did this whole joke about changing her phone number and getting a new phone number and the new phone number she got used to belong to an escort and she talked about, you know, the escort's name was Bambi and men started calling her and asking her about getting blowjobs for $700, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she went into a new bid about having Crohn's disease and blah, blah, blah. So basically, instead of doing a callback to my own material, as you'll hear,

I spent about five minutes building up, and I did call back to her material. I talked about an escort and Bambi and Crohn's disease, and I just had a lot of fun with it. I don't think the audience really saw coming and I'm just rambling for five minutes until I finally exposed what that whole pre-ramble was about and then it sounds like it got a pretty good laugh.

Other stuff going on, you know, I'm talking to the crowd. There was a guy off to my left. This guy was just, it looked like he just climbed out of the desert and hadn't eaten in 12 years. He had an endless plate of French fries. Every time I looked over this guy was just shoving French fries in his mouth. And it seemed like my stand-up show was, you know, incidental.

It was like all he cared about was these fries. And we had a whole bunch of other people. You know, I'd do a lot of crowdwork in this set. In fact, most of it's crowdwork. I just had a little fun. And so I thought I'd set it up for you. Have a listen. This is a fun night on the Sunsets Trip in Los Angeles.

Angeles, the world famous comedy store, just for my premium members. I hope you enjoy. Thank you, bro. Thank you so much. Thank you. All right, folks, how about a hand for my son? Can we give him a hand? Well, not everyone clap, so it's, you know, maybe some people don't care about my kid. But I'm not in a great mood, gang. I'll be honest, you know, you'd probably expect that comedians to come out here and be all jolly and happy. But I keep it real, ma'am. You know, the real, the best comedy is the real stuff, right, guy?

Over here, guy, you can agree with me? And I'm a little pissed. I don't know if anyone else has been through this bullshit guy. You look like you probably have been. But I'm just, you know, sometimes stuff goes wrong. Man, if you could not eat, I'm doing a show. Sir, you put the fries down, okay, well. I'm not disrespect my show.

But sometimes shit just goes wrong. Sir, if you could uncross your legs, look like blend close in an olive garden, all right? But, you know, we get pissing. There's someone texting over there. Man, if you could not text, it's not like I can't see you fucking. and blowing in the dark, right?

Like a fucking lighthouse, and I'm a moth about to fly into your nostril hair, all right? If you could not flap, it looks like he just did a casserole fart in the phone and you were flapping away like a heck of the Edmund Fitzgerald just ran up somebody's

knob hole, all right? But I'm pissed, guy. I think you can see how mad I am. And I just don't like it when stuff goes wrong in life. You know, and we all have patterns, right? So I think it just stop with the fries. It's a good thing he's a carnage down the street. But we all have patterns, right? Guy, do you have a pattern? You wake up every day you do, so you check your emails,

you know, you go to work, you park your car. What's your power? When you first get up, what's the first thing you do in your pattern, guy? Release? Release? So what do you have, You're making a joke. So that's why you're sitting down there. And these big couple lights are shining it all over me and you're in the dark like an insignificant koala shadow. So let me go to someone who wants to play along and understands Permanagh.

Jesus, look at the hair back there. Is that Eddie from Iron Maiden? Holy fuck. Guy, what's your pattern when you wake up? What's the first thing you know if you get out of bed? Go home. See, that was funny, man. Say, I think I just stopped with the fucking proud. If you could put the legs down, let's think you could squeeze out a can of pringles.

Who sits like that? What do you see? Flamingo from fucking Fort Lauderdale? Put the legs down. Right. I'm looking for a baby to hit me in the fucking chuckle. Fucking shoe on a fry boy over here. The hills have fries over here. Right guy, the hills have fries. But I get pissed when, I don't like it when things go out of order. How about you, where's Waldo Jr.?

What do you do? When you get up in the morning, Kim, what's the first thing to do when you get out of bed? You check your phone. See, that's a pattern, right? check the emails the texties you ever get sexted guy did you out who's

who was the last one that sexted you kid your axe holy shit and what what she sent you what region huh you don't want to talk why maybe just show us maybe just show us

anyways I have patterns in my life and we don't like it when our patterns become irregular and throws us off our game. Isn't that right, sir? And this pissed me off. It happened just yesterday. Check this out. I'm still fucking angry. That's why I'm so riled up up here and you can feel this fucking energy beaming at it. You're just like probably half you're scared shitless right now. I wish you were at Denny sucking it on with through your asshole. But this guy's like, I did that once. Yeah.

But here's what happened, and then I'm going to, I got to pop right into my app gag. Here's what, I have a pattern, okay? I got up, like you, guy, I checked my phone. I think a lot of us nowadays, as I say, we check at the phone. That's how I say it. When I get up in the morning, anyone who's there, I go, hey, I got to check at the phone. That's how I say it. You made, how do you say it, kid?

You just check, you don't verbalize, you just do it, you don't say it out loud. I get up and I go, hey, I check at the phone. But this kid here, you know, apparently, you know, it doesn't like white people, internalizes it. You know, well, you know what, you can do, guy, you can go to the local zoo, grab a lemur, and swirl it around, and smack an old lady in the fucking face. So here's what pissed me up. Ma'am, if you could look the other way, I don't like your eyes.

But you gotta stop flapping, because I was joking about the Casarol part, but now I'm really believing it. It's psychologically like that, the fucking the Passover cloud and the Ten Commandments are just blowing at me. He's picturing a giant Mary Caledars Casarol covering over my head. Well, he's still flat, and now it's right, and you're clapping right by your drawing. So here's where I get pissed on, and I got to pop right into my routine. I get up, and here's my routine, I get up guy, I check at the phone, right? And I call my escort. I like a nice blowing, okay?

I don't know how many of you guys like a nice blowy on a daily routine. Have you had a blowy today, guy? What was the last blowy you had? Sunday. Sunday. Okay, was it a goody or a baddie? It was a good escort or, like, girlfriend? Girlfriend.

Okay, you know, a guy pretends he's never been with a cheap whore. So, here's the thing. I call him my escort, right? I get on there, I'm like, hey, Bambi, right? I said, I'm ready for my blow, it's like, fuck you, what? I said, I'm ready for my blowing. You know, $700. And you go, $700.

Oh, yeah, they're like blowing. But then something was off. I go, your voice sounds like, you're different. Something right, wait a minute. You don't have fucking Crohn's disease, you know? Because I'm like, I want a fucking discount, Bambi. If you've got fucking Crohn's disease, what the fuck? How are you, guy?

You having fun? Isn't this fun? You ever put a cheerio in your asshole and whistleery aniseau? You will, you will, relax. Just relax. Well, how about this, did anyone watch the Democratic Convention today? Did you watch this gang? Holy shit, Bernie Saunders just got date raped, didn't it?

I mean, they just fucked this guy over. I mean, holy shit, if I was Bernie, this would have been my acceptance speech. It would have been, uh, hello? My name is Bernie Sanders. I am happy to be here at the Democratic Convention. Hillary Clinton Go shove an elephant Up your fat ass

Okay, a Trump crowd All right, forget it Sir, if you can not stand there It makes me feel like you're about to jump How are you, guy? You look like you're having a good time You got a beard, were you fucking out punching trees today, or what?

What's your name, kid? A Dennis. A Dennis? All right. And what do you do, guy? Are you working or what? Then I gotta pop right into my act here. A bit of marketing.

A what? Marketing. Where are you from, guy, retarded that? There's a fucking accent on this guy. Marketing. Like there's three fucking A's in marketing. Where are you from? You got a many accent.

Guy, where are you from? Ozzy. I don't know. You know what part of Aussie perp? Melbourne, eh? Oh, I don't know. You've been to Melbourne, love? What are you doing there, eh?

I have family. You know this fucking guy? It's funny if you were shooting that baby out, he would have fucking stole it with his dingo. Good to have you here, bro. How long are you here for, guy? Last day, I was supposed to go. I'm going on. It's your last day. It's your last day.

You're supposed to go Emily. Hey, you would have gone away without fighting meeting me, eh? Good to have you, buddy. What a treat, huh? You ever been to Australia, buddy? How come? Does you work? Where do you work, guy?

You're in the military. Here we go, gang. We've got a military guy. What's you for real? What did you do in the military, sir? Marine Corps. Holy shit. You're on a boat? That's Navy. But the word marine means...

...down the water, at least, for you? That's what? Marina del Rey. Marina. So what you meant to say you work in Marina Del Rey. He's not wrong, am I might? He's not wrong, hey, Mike. You know if you could walk faster and walking right through my next joke?

Oh, you know what? Get the fuck out of my show. She's gone. I don't want her here. Fuck that. I don't want her here. Okay, well, if you're not going to laugh, you know, maybe I'll bail and, you know, go to Starbucks and have a cup with hot coffee. And while I'm drinking, people will be, you know, laughing at the... the next act and then uh it's a great big bag of uh merry christmas fuck you

all right let's close it out let's close it out with something big who wants to throw a topic at me here's i like to do stuff right off the top of my head i'll close it out big who's got a topic trump trump all right this'll be good man you just got here didn't you ma'am Okay, good, good. Did anyone see this Bernie Saunders accepted six times? Unbelievable. If I was Donald Trump, I would have

imagined it going like this. Oh, hello, my name is Bernie Sanders. Hillary Clifton can stop a giant fucking elephant wait up an email incested ass. Well, you should have at least fucking laughed.

How are you, buddy, having a fun summer? What are you going to do tomorrow? Go to the forest, roll a log over, see if you find a little spotted salamander and suck its plet. This guy is this guy right here. This is this fucking guy. The rest of us are camping. This guy's sucking salamander flit over.

A fucking weird nutbag. All right, gang, I'm not going to wind it up. I'm going to go to a funeral tonight. God bless you all. Have a great summer. Thank you very much. God bless that. Well, there it is.

I hope you enjoyed that. I have so much fun doing those live shows and recording them and bringing them to you guys. I hope you got a few giggles out of that. I hope you get that kind of live feeling when you're listening to these little segments. For my premium members, thanks again for being premium members. Tell your friends to get on board. And I hope you're having a great, great summer doing a lot of fun things. And until the next, delicious, freshly barbecued premium content, a sweet, summery chicken chow

Maine to you guys. Take care. Thanks for being here. We'll catch you next time. Premium members. Woo! Thank you.