The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - Harland live STAND UP - SET LIST SHOW

Episode Date: January 26, 2016

Hey Premium Members. Hear Harland do a 100% improvised stand up set on a show called SET LIST where the topics are given to him live on stage with no prior knowledge of them. Fun! Recorded live at the Melrose Improv! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, hello, my premium members. Here I am again with very special content just for you. And I hate to say this, but the regular listeners of the Harland Highway don't get to hear this stuff. They get a little sample, but that's it. You guys get the whole thing. And it's because you're special, it's because you joined the premium content. app and I'm so happy you're here. So here's what we got for you today, Premium Members. And by the way, thank you for being Premium Members. I truly appreciate it.

Here's what we got today. It's a really crazy show. It's a stand-up comedy show. This was recorded just a few nights ago. And it's a special show that was recorded at the Hollywood Improv on Melrose Boulevard. and it's a special show called The Set List. And what it is, it's basically they take four or five comics that they've selected. They put us up on stage and we can't do any of our own material. Basically, they have a projector and on the wall behind the comedians, in this case me, they put topics. They put topics that I've never seen, that I have no knowledge of,

that I might not have any experience with. And so we basically have to do a whole stand-up comedy set and create material in the moment. It's fun, it's challenging, it's distressing, it's nerve-wracking, it's ridiculous. Some of it's really funny and some of it's really crap, but as you'll hear, you just have to keep meandering. And so when I'm doing this set-list set, I literally, at times you could probably sense me turning around and looking at the topic on the wall behind me.

And I'll give you some insight as to some of the topics. We did a, they put up a bit about, you know, pranking Jesus at the Last Supper. There was something mentioned about grizzlies, grizzly bears or something. I don't remember all the topics. There was a segment called Dwight Privilege. which I kind of took the word Dwight and turned it into Dwight Yolkham in the moment. There was a little bit about, you know, drug addicts and recovery programs. And there was a topic about Drake, the singer.

And so those are some of the topics that they just threw up there. I've never thought about those as stand-up comedy topics in my life. And so I just had to wing it, man. And that's what's fun about this show. It's very hit and miss, but I think you'll enjoy the energy of it. And I had a blast doing it because I did not know what was coming out of my mouth from one second to the next. So it was a little bit terrifying, but the crowd got behind me. We had a lot of fun.

And so here it is, yours truly, Harland Williams, doing his set list at the Melrose Improv for the Harlan. Highway, premium members. I hope you like it. Are you ready for your next? Yes! Get it up for the number before you set is of Mr. Harland, William! William! Yes! Perfect.

Perfect. Hey, gang, good to see everyone. What a treat. How about my dad's over here on the corn? I get him in my hands. Well, okay, no, he's not. But what a year. The year's off to a great start power player.

Everybody's going nuts. The kids are singing carols. 2016 carols. I'm walking around, fill in my head, full of new ideas and concepts guy. And it's at the mall the other day. I like to observe people. And, you know, I was a professional stand-up comedian guy.

I like to, you know, I just take everything in and process it. And I was at the food court at the mall. And, you know, I see I saw a guy over at Arby's. I saw a guy at Orange Julius. I saw another guy over a Panda Express. He was picking the zucchini out of it. You know, they have the chicken and mushrooms. And somehow they put little chunks of zucchini in it.

Like, that ain't Chinese, gang. I don't know if there's any Chinese people in the audience tonight. Are you Chinese? No. Like lollipop boys, what you are. But, uh... So what I'm getting at. is food, you know, the world of food, hand express.

And I always thought, man, won't it be funny if the disciples had at it with J.C. You know, old J.C., you know, they showed up at the last supper on J.C. He said, all right, what do we have it? And they were like, well, hey, dude, we brought you, you know, there's 14 of us. you know there's the 13 disciples and you and we got one fish and one glass of wine feed us asshole you know like really make them do it like because you know that when he was out in the field you know in the field and performed his miracles that was rig he was like J.C. was the original David Copperfield he

The original, you know, David Henning or whatever, that fucking buck-tooth guy with the hippie hair was. What was it, sir? Okay, you don't have to have to help me with names. But, you know, those were all set up. You know, the miracles, the fish, the gimpy guy with the nub with the bacteria and the saliva, grease, and the fucking, you know, Ebola nub that he had. That was all rigged up. Jesus rigged it up.

So it would have been great at the Last Supper to do food pranks, you know? And just fuck with J.C., you know. It's like Matthew says to Jonas, you know, hey, dude, let's see if J.C. knows the pymlet maneuver, right? And like, you know, Jonas purposely chokes on a, like, you know, a, you know, a, you know, a fucking spring roll. Like a holy spring roll. Like a Pandy Express spring roll. And J.C. comes over, and, you know,

J.C.'s love. You know, Jesus is love. Are you a believer, ma'am? Do you practice religion? Are you Catholic? Christian? Christian. So you know the word. And it'd be great. If, you know, J.C. runs up. And you know the Heimlich maneuver, right? Have you ever choked on something?

Man, you look like you probably have. And you know that you grab your fist and you put it right up here and you get the high lookers and you fucking up, right? You just yank them right up. Heimlich maneuver. And it would be hilarious if, you know, you're pretending you're choking on the, uh, on the fucking string roll, right? You're like,

And you're like, and you're like, oh, and you're like, oh, yeah, oh,

oh, tap that ass, Jesus. Oh, fuck me, Jesus. Oh, fuck me, Jesus. Yeah. What?

Don't want to laugh, maybe I'll move on. Sometimes, I see there's a lot of ladies in the room. Sometimes women don't want to shave it. They don't want to shave it. They want to go Chewbacca, so they're trying, right? And, you know, there's every guy in this room. Every guy in this room likes to muff dive. I mean, look, your hair looks like you were doing it half an hour ago.

It looked like you were muckedive and I'm like a pussy part, blew it all back. It's like, cunt juice, like stuck it up in the air. You got like, cunt juice gel. Too soon, too soon. They call that the grizzly, right? When the women don't, you know, big gay man, you know, like, you know, guy, big gay men, the hairy ones. They call it bears, right? They call it bears.

And when a woman lets the room 222 Afro get on, and a guy goes down there, that's called grizzly foreplay. You go right into the bear hole. You go like, you go plant of the cave baron, right? And it's fun because there's such a puff there, right? It's like a puff. Like when they get down to the G string, it's like shit comes up like it's the Bernstein Bears, you know? And it's so puffy you can make shapes with it. And what's really fun is this is fun.

If you get a piece of string, okay, and you put it around the base of the giant grizzly bush, You put like a hoop and then what you do is you pull it and you slowly tighten the base with that strength. And what happens is the bush compacts together and you get like a pussy mushroom clout. You guys aren't into foreplay. I don't know. Does anyone there enjoy sex? What the fuck? Well, does any, ma'am, do you have a hairy trapdoor?

What do you got? Who's got a hairy tarantula hole? Who's, anybody's got a puffed-up fucking Jerry curl twat machine? Who, anybody? Nobody's got a puffed-up Jerry twirl, a quack machine. Well, if you're not going to let me be funny, then that's on you. Okay, well, here we go. There's a lot of shit going on right now, right?

You've heard about the Oscars. They're shutting out of black people at the Oscars. Are you black man? And they call that white privilege. But nowadays, it's like so many people. are into country stars. Do you like country do? They're calling it, it's like, you ever hear a Dwight Yocom, the country singer, who wears the cowboy hat? They call it Dwight Privilege. And do you like country music, ma'am? Old school. So if you're like out

driving and somewhere and you see like a really old school, you'll pull in and someone's playing fucking country music. Okay, well, kind of a roundabout way to get... You know there's radios and CDs and shit, right? But country songs are always sad. They're always sad. Do you ever cry to a country song, buddy, when you're laying in your Ikea bunk in,

your body covered with pomegranate rinds and cinnamon in your ass crack, you ever have... You got a Cinecrack going, huh? And people are into emotions nowadays, and they call that Dwight Privilege. It's like people, instead of, like, not talking the way people used to do, you know, have you ever been in a fight with your beautiful lady, dude? Oh, yeah.

Right? And the solution used to be, it's like, I don't want to get into it. I'm not going to talk, right? Right. So now they're going to say Dwight Privilege, it's like the Dwight Yoke. factor where you communicate your feelings in a country song. So let's say you were in a fight with your beautiful lady. You were like, hey baby, I want you to grow, you know, a grizzly hatch.

And she says, fuck you, go stick your cock in a lasagna and olive garden, right? So you, instead of just shutting her up, you do a country song, you're like, baby, I want you to grow big hairy bush And when I eat your hairy old snatch I want you to do your win of the poo boys And it's your orgasm in I want you to go Oh, stuff and fluff

And that's what, sir, if you could laugh with the others That might help me Grab a little drink here pretending I'm drinking that's secretly oh what's that oh no one wants to get into your fucking crack addicts or heroin addicts right like they're dirty fucking peat you used to be an addict didn't you guy look at you you have you got fucking Santa Monica Beach fucking sea urchin stains on your feet but you can't get in here you can't get in here look I have compassion for drug addicts look

it's a painful existence huddle in an alley behind the Denny's chewing on a, you know, water buffalo femur. Sleeping in a glad bag, a hunt-panda express so the fucking used tampon in your nose so that people have sympathy for you. But, you know, as a caring community, a loving, compassionate caring community, we need to get close to these people, but we can't. We don't want sleaze. No one wants rig and mortars or type.

I don't need evil lie because I'm trying to help out toothless Sally the fucking crowd cracker over there in the corner. So what we do now is an act of compassion. We want to help. We throw syringes. We just throw them out. Most of us have played lawn darts when we were kids, right? So the medical profession now affixes syringes

filled with opiates to the end of lawn darts and you can hit a crack at it even as they're running away. Like, you can just fucking whack them in the back and then it's like those nature shows where they're like, there goes the cougar. And you just throw your opiate-laced syringe long dart, hit them in the back. The fourth of vertebrae is always the sweet spot because that not only paralyzes them, but at the same time it triggers the diarrhea and then it just cleans them out. You ever got diarrhea in a bowl of soup guy? You will. So, yeah, come on, gang.

Don't fear, you know, people that are in a worse situation than you. It's tough. It's tough to be downtrodden, and it's tough to be down on your lock, and life is so bleak and so empty and vacant that you have to turn to a false reality just to propel you through your day. You've got to inject yourself full of the monkey grease just to get from, you know, one block to the next. You don't know where your next shopping cart's coming from.

You don't know where the next brown cob of corn is going to be. You've got to punt yourself up full of Uncle Jimmy's Uncle Wigley sauce, okay? Sorry, yeah, if you can laugh with the other? It really helped me feel like you give a flying fuck. Can I just change it? Here comes my big loser. How about that? Say Drake says.

First of all, let's just get his name right, okay? I'm Canadian. Here's his real name, just saying, oh, douche, it's not Drake, that's duch. Here's a guy that looks like he should be like in a gay cheerleader squad. Somehow he's adopted the persona of a tough guy rapper, okay? Now, just for the record, I'm from the same city as Drake. He grew up in Forest Hill, which is one of the most affluent neighborhoods in Toronto, Canada. very rich. One of my best friends lived down there. So Drake is just one big pile of steaming,

fly-covered bullshit sitting in the field, and I hope Nellie from Little House on the Prairie falls into your fucking friendly face, and someone gets to pull it up by your blonde ponytails and say, hey, his name's douche, and then shut it right back in. And then a ground rock comes up and tunnels up her fucking little house on the prairie asshole. now I'm just angry I'm just angry I'm just angry but

you know douche and people say hey there's Drake Hessum and I say you know what no fuck him

okay do doucheum fuck him you know we don't need a guy who what's that song he just got me up my cell I'm on my fucking

douche fo This guy, he's a fraud, he's a, fuck him. Doosh, fuck him. Do you ever, have you ever douched dinner? Really? You wake up in the morning, your pussy smells like the olive garden of an Armenian wedding. Okay, well, you don't want to deal with reality. But, gang, yeah, no fault for the propaganda.

He's a douche, Hessem or fuck him now that it's been decoded. Don't buy his music, you're being con. He has no experience in the tough, mean streets of the ghetto. He's not an inner city guy. He grew up in a giant house with lots of money. And I know I'm not ending on anything funny here. More important is that you now have been in a city. schooled and understand that douche is a fucking douche, all right?

Folks, you've been great. I'll see you at Arby's in about half an hour. Thank you. Harlan Williams. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. By the court, Uncle Jimmy's Wiggle sauce. It is fantastic. On all kinds of you. Thank you.