The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - Harland's last stand up of 2016

Episode Date: January 2, 2017

Harland's final improvised stand up set of 2016! Happy New Year PREMIUM members! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody, happy new year, my premium members, so glad to have a great 2017. Kind of want to start the show. You know, we kind of want to start this year's premier content showing by phasing out the end of last year. So just it sounds weird, but because it's a new year, just like a week ago, I did a show for the holidays, which seems so far behind us now, don't they even though it's only been like three, four days? But basically I did a show here in Hollywood at one of the comedy clubs, and they had a Christmas tree on stage and was all lit up,

and they had a big red ribbon on the top of it, which I made a joke about. And, you know, I talked to people about the holidays. And it's just a stand-up set that I, you know, it's one of those ones where I just work on stuff and I goof around and I improvise and talk to the crowd. And I had a lot of fun doing that. The MC that brought me up before I came up,

he did a whole bit about being in the military. And, you know, all this stuff about being a soldier, and so I kind of rift off that at the beginning. You'll hear it as the set unfold. So this thing's about, I don't know, 15, 15, 20 minutes long. And it's only for you, my premium members. Thank you so much for joining,

and I look forward to bringing you more premium content throughout the year. Hope you're enjoying it. Here we go. This is me at the improv. and happy new year. Next, we go coming up, give it up for the great, the wonderful. Larry Smith from Fresno, everybody. All right, man, you nailed it.

Perfect, perfect. Wow, how about I am for my son? Isn't he great? You just got back from Afghanistan. Give him my daddy. What, boy, the things my boy. point of scene up in those hills and down in the trenches in Afghanistan, traipsing through the poppy field with this platoon, and who knows when Al Qaeda is going to jump off.

Okay, you're going to laugh at my boy. Just crawling, crawling through the Afghanistan weeds and... Okay, if you're going to laugh to my soldier. And shrapnel flying through the air the way an Italian mother throws spaghetti at the wall, just the chunks of metal ripping past his little ears, my boy's little ears. Oh, wait a boy, give him a hand. That's one tough goddamn soldier right there. He's unbelievable.

This is fucking good. I said to him, I said, the son is war hell. He goes, fuck that, Dad. War is an ice cream sandwich on the dashboard of a minivan at a mall parking lot with the windows rolled up. Okay, if you don't want to laugh at much time. Okay. All right. My son puts his life on the line for everyone in this room.

And, uh, you know, to laugh, huh. Uh, yeah. Still here. Uh. Um. Yeah. Um, if you could turn around, I don't like you're out of it. Well, it's good to see everyone.

Happy New Year, right, love, huh? Have you made any resolutions? Sky? Have you made it? Probably a new blazer, huh? Anyone make any new rice? Certainly could stop eating chicken wings in the middle of my shop. There's a load of KFC Larry over here at Table 5.

I'm trying to commemorate my son, being home from Afghanistan. All I can hear is like, you know, chicken drizzle, chewing in this guy's fucking silent to the lamb's teeth over there. You know, fuck me, seven ways to last Thursday, right, gang? Okay. You know if you could take your hand off your face? It's a negative energy. It's nice to see the people behind here won't be seeing the show tonight. Would you like me to move that, buddy?

I feel like you're like one of the lost boys, that fucking vampire will be. You've got the lost boy's fucking haircut. You know what? That's on the room. It's like, I can't go a show the fucking vampire. That's not right. Look at this. This is my Christmas present to you.

You just got yourself a show, huh? The holidays, not chicken teeth, Johnny. Oh, we love the... Look at this. Look at the beautiful... And what celebrates the joy of the merriment of Christmas more than an AIDS ribbon on top of the tree? Oh, Aedes-y tree! Oh, A-Tee! Okay, well, if you're not going to laugh, I'll move on.

What, did anyone get any nice presents for the holidays? Man, I bet you got some wonderful treats. What did you get? Love? Just one. I don't have all night. Just one. A trip to Ellen. A trip to Ellen. From where? Texas. What airline? American.

Americans are not really a great gift. How about you, Sidewinder? Willie, what'd you get for this today? What'd you get, Guy? A trucker's jacket. A trucker's jacket. Holy fuck, you have a truck? I did.

You did? So kind of a return gift. It's his birthday today. It's his birthday today. Oh, hello Jesus, how are you? How are you? How are you? I remember if you're going to show for the fucking Lord.

How about that? How are you, man? Have you ever shoved your ass in a fish tank and see how many bubbles you can blast? You will, you will. There's a guy over there against the wall. I see your glasses, sir. The reason you're seeing, your glasses gave you away. They're reflecting in the ambient light.

It's like if this was a nature show, you'd be the baby deer that got fucking swallowed by a fucking pride of lions. Your glasses are, it's a tell. So I gotta talk to you, what's your name, glasses, guy? Huh? Junior? Yeah. Have you met KFC Willie over here?

You guys go to the drive-thru later and then I, you know, split a pomegranate and rub it all over your cheeks and pretend your pomegranate clowns. Okay, well, let me move on. You know what I got my son for Christmas? This was one of all the fucking grenade. I got him a live grenade. And the dip shit, and I don't like to call him that, because he's a good kid, but he thought it was one of those, you know, the talking grenade, you pulled a pin and the thing.

I want to blow you. you up, you know what I mean? But this is a real grenade, and this fucking asshole kind of kid of mine, he pulled the pin, I said, hey, fuck nutter, that's a real grenade, and he's not going to do a cute little lie, like, I love you, and, you know, he threw the fucking thing, blew up a black homeless guy outside of a 7-Eleven, he was talking to a guy about getting a Gatorade or something. Okay, if you don't want to laugh. Zika?

You got the Zika going over there? Holy fire. Now you just swallowed a fucking sea scallop or something. Listen to her over there, huh? Someone get over there with a fucking Rod Stewart's stomach pump on Cable 12, huh? All right, one person got the reference. Is there if you could turn around, I don't like your eyes? I love you.

What kind of truck did you have, big guy? Toyota. You got a fucking trucker jacket for that? Holy shit. Wrapped in saran wrap for that fucking truck. I drive the truck, the Toyota. I haul clouds.

How are you little, buddy? You're kind of reserved. I see you're pensive. You're stroking your... I'm not sure you're liking what I'm doing up here. You're kind of like, ah? You're kind of like waiting see attitude, huh? You're waiting for a joke, maybe?

Maybe I should do a fucking joke, huh? Just remember, I met the, uh... Noscaversv... Did a look at him, guy, when the sun comes up, he ain't going to be around this fucking guy. He's going to be hanging underneath the fucking railway bridge under upside down. How about that fucking Carrie Fisher, that's that? Holy fucking crap on a fucking English muffiner again. But her mother bites the fucking dust the very next day?

Oh, what a commitment. What a mother. Hey, my daughter's gone. Fuck that. I'm going to go, too. That's the heartbreaker, isn't it? Some of you're laughing. I don't know why, but it's horrible.

Okay. Darth Vader. Fucking Darth. What's with that guy? I think that guy has allergies or something? That's fucking breathing? You think maybe he needs some mucinex or something? You know, is he pissed off with the world

because he's got a fucking recessed fucking diesel past it? What's that thing when your fucking nose is fucked up? Deviated septo. There you go. You a doctor? Oh, yeah, what kind? Nose? Gynecologist.

No. seen a deviated pussy. It's crooked, it goes that way? You have to like, there you go, ma'am, that'll be $40. Your pussy was crooked. That's why you were peeing on the wall, lady. You've got a crooked crab pussy. Not even that.

Offensive guy? Not even a crooked pussy puts a smile in your fucking face, huh? What the fuck do I got to do up there? You know what? Run over in with your truck. It probably won't make it over him, but he could try.

I'll probably bounce off. All right, let's do a joke. Anybody got a drone? That's what I wanted to ask. Anybody got a drone? Do you? Everyone's got drone. What do you mean a drone for?

Your gynecology work? Now, Sally, open your legs. I'm going to get a shot. your pussy, you're about near that cloud up there. I want to see what it looks like from 7,000 feet. I want to see how right your clit is from up there. Right? Right? Just a clit. Don't get all. It's just a word. Look, penis, finger, nose, clit, butt-hawk, leg.

It's just, it's just anatomy. Why does everyone get so fucking, uh, get their, uh, granny diaper in a twister, what I say, flit? I mean, half the people in the people in the... this room have a clit so the rest of us have a fucking one-eyed snake with a mushroom cap on its head before just fucking chill out it's a click the fucking clit celebrate that little bumpy fuck how much for your drunk i don't give me anywhere of bullshit i know you're not a guy I don't even think you have a drone.

You have one or not? I don't need bullshit. Okay. I got them for Christmas. You got one for Christmas? Okay, for real. For real. For real.

I think it was like 400 bucks. So you got a deal. Fuck. I got it on the drone train, right? And 3,000 bucks for my goddamn drone. But finally, some video footage of the roof of my house. Have you heard these? It's like a fucking sex boy flying over your house.

It's like, my neighbor's vibrator, E, E, E, what the fuck is that? Just want to see it fly into a hummingbird, E, p, bha-ha-! I love the fucking drone nerds, huh, guy? Do you have a drone on my pencil front? This fucking drone nerds, right? They're like, e-e-hey, hey, man, I can see the McDonald's

down my street, yay! I'm like, this one, nerd, I'm on my laptop in my house, on fucking Google Earth. I can see the whole fucking universe unfolding, right? I just got on HubbleTeloscope.com. I just watched a black hole consume a star cluster

in the ninth nebula, nerd. Fuck. I just saw fucking God created another fucking solar system by farting. How does that be Godble's looking now, ass much? All right, nobody likes to do.

Got a tough fucking crowd. You know, I'm trying to go tack, and what do I get? Zilcho. Then we've got a dog or a cat? Who's got a cat? Do you have a cat guy? Who's got a cat? Anyone?

Do you? What kind is it, law? Did she so much say me? She was talking to the waitress. She's like, she's ordering cat from the fucking. picture. You're a cat girl. You got one?

I grew up with cats but I have a dog now. You grew up with cats and you have a dog now. Do the math. He's allergic. He's allergic to what? Cats. Cats. Crooked cats.

All kinds. That was a pussy dope. I was a pussy joke for you. You know, I don't get this whole thing, right? You've heard this Captain Kangaroo teach, right? I don't think you're going to laugh in his teeth. You heard this little buddy, right? Where's Waldo Jr?

Tats have nine lives. You heard this bullshit. There's one in my backyard yesterday. I got my gun out a shot it, fucker's still there today. Bull shit on that nine lives crap. All right, let's close with something. I got time for one more, right guy? There's Donnie at the sound.

Good Donnie a hand. He had a rough holiday. He found out, and it hasn't been around for a while, but he found out his whole family has SARS. It hasn't been around. You know, Zika came in, we had Ebola, but somehow his poor family got a kick back to SARS. They're just crawling.

They're crawling with SARS almost like it bubbling with it. Their forehead bubbles coming out of their foreheads. Like their skin, like bubbles. SARS bubbles. Anyways, that's his fucking problem. Let's do one final joke, truck driver, Willie. And we'll get the F out of Dodge. Anybody go on Ancestry.com yet?

Does he done this guy? Did you, ma'am, notice I went right to you sometime. What'd you find out, love bug? Actually, I didn't find out much. You didn't find out much? Well, guess what, ma'am? Adopted. She is a doctor. She is adopted?

How the fuck do you? Suddenly a fucking chat lady who feeds him to the guards has everybody's fucking number. How do you know she's adopted? I heard her say it. You heard her say it? Okay. Can I do my own show, please?

Fucking control freak. Throw a chicken wing in her a sock. So you didn't find anything out of anything. anything out of Ancestry.com? No. Was it a waste of money? Yes. Oh, I'm sorry.

I went on it, man. It's scary because you don't know what you're going to find out. You dig into your roots, your heritage, your lineage, little buddy, right? And I get on Ancestry.com, blew my mind. I had no clue, no clue, right out of the gate. Turns out my grandmother, right, is my dad. Found out we come from a long line of assholes. They didn't even have a family tree on the page.

It was just a cactus covered with pricks. You can go back. You can go way, way, way. I went back. Oh, my God. Maybe I went too far. I found out I dialed up. My great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was a sea cucumber.

Found out, this was bizarre. Found out my mother was from Brazil and my father from Zaire. I had to change my passport. Now it says I'm from fucking Brazier. Can you believe that? Did you send in your DNA, man? Probably no point you're adopted, right? You didn't send it in. That's freaky. I sent in my DNA scary shit.

It turns out I had no idea. I'm the hillside strangler. Apparently I shot Kennedy in 63. What the fuck I never should have done this? Who's up next? Is the other guy here? Is the other comic in the chamber? Is the gun loaded and ready to fucking fire? She's here? Oh, Cameron. to wrap it up. Just I got a quick half-hour joke and then I'm out. Do you think Jesus could walk on bottled water? Yes, thank you. Folks, have the best New Year's ever. Do something fresh, inspirational. Think

outside of the box. If you've always wanted to write a novel or do a ballet, if I can make this your year to do something, something that moves the needle for you personally. Okay? That's my challenged you. Have the best year ever. God bless you. Thank you so much. All right. So there you go. There's a little wing in it. It's kind of

how I work stuff out. There was a guy there that looked like one of the members of the Lost Boys. He had the weirdest haircut, very pale, clammy skin. Big glowing eyes. So at the beginning of the show,

there was a microphone stand covered with Happy New Year balloons and all this paraphernalia and he literally couldn't see me. So I moved the mic stand out of the way so he could see me and then when I saw how kind of creepy

looked, I moved the mic stand back but then I felt bad and so I moved it back again. That's one at the beginning where I was saying to the guy I just gave you a show for Christmas then we had the gynecologist and we had uh you know all kinds you that's the beauty of it you never know what you're going to dip into and you know my my sets when i do it like this they're always not always but sometimes they're a little bit bluer they're a little bit dirtier i use a little bit more foul language because i'm almost doing a character up there when i when i do it this

way i just i'm just winging it and uh i'm I'm almost going into another mindset and just kind of dinking around up there. So my regular shows aren't anywhere near that kind of, you know, I don't use the salty language as much or if at all. But it's all the way of just working out in training. So I hope you enjoyed that, you guys. We'll have some more of that stuff for you in the new year. as I'm up there working on my act, new material, blah, blah, blah.

So happy New Year. Thanks for being premium members. Love you guys. And until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby.