The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - LET'S HAVE A FIGHT PODCAST WITH TOM GREEN

Episode Date: February 10, 2016

Great fight today with Harland and funnyman Tom Green going head to head! Who's gonna win? Lots of great, funny battles. Enjoy LET'S HAVE A FIGHT #4 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Let's Have a Fight podcast. Welcome to the Let's Have a Fight podcast. I'm your sexy referee, Sam Phillips, and here are the rules. There will be three eight-minute rounds. Topics are selected by our producers and not known to the fighters until show show time. To balance the fights, each fighter must argue for or against the topic, even if it goes against his or her beliefs. For comedic and entertainment effect, they are the voice for the everman. Each fighter can stop a fight instantly with a power slam using their power slam buzzer.

Power slams are horrible insults fighters have written on cards and handed to their opponents before the fight. Fighters will then have to listen to an opponent, abuse them with their own written words during the power slam. If a fighter forgets to power slam during a round, he or she automatically loses the round at the end. Each fighter will be allowed, a closing statement at the end of each fight, and I will start and stop each fight with the sound of this spell. At the end of each fight, I will review my scorecard to determine the winner.

Now, with all that out of the way, let's meet our fighters. on the right of me, weighing in, I don't know, a casual 190 pounds? I'll take it. Yum. My good friend Harlan Williams. Hey-yo!

Of course, check him out Harlan Williams.com for all of his comedy tour dates and all that shit. Thank you. And I like that weight. I should get back into modeling. What a treat. And now, to the left of my breast,

the very handsome Tom Green. Hello there. That's right, check out the Tom Green radio show on CBS Play It, Network, and iTunes. His tour dates are also on tomgreen.com. All right. Cool. You guys? Good to be back.

Hi, Tom. Good to be back. There he is. Yes, good to be here. Good to be here, yes. Are you excited? Very excited. I'm excited, yes.

Whoa, okay. Love this game. Yes. Okay. So, gentlemen, ready to fight? Yes. All right, let's have a fight. Okay, the first topic is, more than one wife or husband, yes or no.

Oh, yes. I'm against that. Yeah, I'm for that. Let's start this round now. All right, Tom, listen, man, you know, one of the biggest things in marriage is people cheat. They say the things that cause marriages to fall apart is money. and sex and so if a guy or a girl could have multiple husbands or wives I don't see why we shouldn't it's like having a variety it's like having a bag of licorice all sorts so why you want to give

me a hard time even though you haven't said a fucking word yet and I don't know why I'm doing this voice but you're bringing it out of me here what the fuck what's with you guy even though you haven't said anything yet. Well, I just wanted to hear your main argument. Yes. Your main argument for, for polygamy. I like the way you say it. Your main argument is for polygamy is to, it'll prevent cheating.

Is that what you're saying? Yeah, yeah, because you'd have so much, you'd have so many slabs of beef. You wouldn't have to wander. I think one of the big polygamists out there, he's got a reality short, forget his name or whatever. I saw it on the cover of Us Weekly at the Air. airport is getting a divorce right now because he cheated on his multiple wives and three of them so I think you know maybe no that just tells me that you've been reading up on polygamy and

I have a feeling you might want five or six wives but continue on I look it like this like you and I yeah both have chosen yes to not even have one wife true true good point at this stage in our lives. You know, we are, we have chosen that we do not, we do not even feel we can have one wife. Yeah, but you know why? I only want one wife, Tom, because you're only allowed to have one wife. Now, if we were allowed to have five or six, this wouldn't be an issue. I'm just saying that if you're saying, if you don't even want to have one wife, why would you want to have multiple wives? Because the law says we can only have a one wife, which ain't so much fun. Like, when you go to the movie theater, Tom Green, you get a fucking.

bucket of popcorn and say hey pimple face give me one fucking kernel over here all right i want a whole bucket full of kernels i want a whole thing of popcorn i don't want one buttery greasy wife at the bottom of my fucking popcorn so you're saying one buttery greasy wife yeah which is no fun at all exactly why would you want 10 buttery greasy no fun at all wives that seems like it would be 10 times the problem right well because i mean we've both been married We know it's hard. Do you want to be married ten times at once? Yeah, but part of the problem with being married once is you've got to deal with all this stuff of the one wife.

But if one of the wives has given you a problem, you roll into the next bedroom and enjoy that. No, it just means you've got ten times the problems. Oh, are you kidding me over there? Are you telling me you wouldn't want to come home after a long day work down in the fucking coal mines? Oh, I'm getting power slammed. Who is this guy here? you. Oh, I power slam me.

Bring it. Bring it. Look at this guy. Gargle a burnt twat. Wow. You son of... Oh, you kind of... That's not going to stop me.

That's fighting words right there. Those are fighting words, gargall. Listen, I would... There's nothing wrong with having variety in your life. What's that saying? Variety is the spice of life. I'm just saying that if you're saying that you don't like the idea of being married to one woman, Yeah, which I don't.

And wouldn't multiple women be multiple times the same problem? No, but my argument... More wives, more problems. My argument is to you. I got 99 problems, but ain't one. Tom, it's like this. Let's say you had 10 cars in your garages. And if one car broke down, you would go in the other car and go for a nice long drive.

So if you have 10 wives and one of them's giving the old business, they're giving you the jazz, you go into Margaret's room and say, see you later. Carol, I'll be in here with Margaret. Okay, so we're in the state of California. They've got community property laws here. You get married once, you get a divorce, you takes half your money. Right.

You get married to 10 ladies at once. It doesn't work out with one, it takes half. The other one takes another half. The other one takes another. You're left with nothing. You can have nothing but imagine the grin on your face, dude. I don't know. I mean, think of all the sexual intercourse, Tom Green.

Seems like it would just be more wives. more problems. That's what it comes down to. Do people get married to go to the movies and open Christmas presents? So they just want some nice sexual intercourse. Okay? You got 10, 10 sexual intercourse is in there. Huh? Unbelievable. Yeah. I, uh, you know what? Hold on. Wait, it sounds like you're speechless. You're getting, he better be speed. He's about to get a power slam. Here's the power slam. Don't make me break out the spiral sticker stacker. Uh-huh. That's right. It's Throw down. I'm afraid of you.

Dude, I got to tell you, man. I'm so into this that even, I would even be all right with a woman being one of the bitches, being one of the husbands of a cougar. Say that again, so. Okay. So if there was a chick and she had ten husbands and I was one of them, if I was number seven, number eight, number two, whatever, I'd be fine with it. Great. Trying to figure out who I'm debating here. Well, that's why I'm, see, I'm throwing voices at you, guy, because this is how I get you off your game.

I'm going to win this fight. I think that you're throwing the voice in as a distraction technique, because you're not comfortable with your side of the argument. I love it. Because you know that you are in a very, very difficult position, a man who has chosen to not get married for obvious reasons, reasons that we both know. Tom, Zachary Green, when you go to IHOP. Do you get one fucking pancake or do you get five pancakes stacked on top, hot butter dripping down the side, fucking golden liquid syrup, oozing out of the cracks? Or do you just want one flattie laying on the plate and the weight just goes, here's your flattie, mister? I hope you enjoy your flattie.

Here's some golden butter for your flattie, mister. Ah, come on, guy. I think I think you're purposely trying to. distract me because you are not confident in your argument. Are you telling me you wouldn't want six chicks to come home to at night? I think it would be better to not have them at home. Even with a Viagra in your system? Well, I think it would be better just have them all off in their own homes, not married to you.

Oh, so it's okay to have ten goyel friends. No problem. But not wives. Not wives. That's what we're talking about here. Oh, okay. Well, let's take it there then. Well, that's what's what we're talking about, isn't it? Well, it said, was the question about why?

It was wives and husbands, wasn't it? More than one wife or husbands. Have to be married. It means you have to be legally married to all 10 of these people. I think any man would much rather be married to 10 because, you know, all that, all those fighting, all the emotions, it all blends into one big thing like that cloud that hung over Winnie the fucking poo. I look at it like this. Once you get married, you've got twice as many people. problems. You got your problems and you got all of her problems. Yeah. So imagine being married to 10 people. Now you got your problems

and then you got like 10 times as many problems. I don't know. Imagine I think that if you ask most married men honestly, if they would like to have 10 times as many problems or zero amount of problems, they would choose zero

amount of problems. And I say that most men will take all the problems in the world if it means they're getting sexual intercourse eight times I think it seems fun at first, but you know, they're all arguing with each other. It's not like it's an orgy every night. Oh, well, how do you know? I've been out there to, I've been out there to Warren Jeff's compound up there in Utah.

It wasn't that much fun. Wow, look at you. All right, guys, all right, guys. Okay. Now, closing arguments, summarize your points. Look, sex cells. Men are primal. Men like to have sex.

Men like to have sex with multiple partners. Ask any man you meet on the street. There's very few men that have only had one partner. If a guy could come home every night and have nine IKEA bunk beds full of hot, sliced beef, bingo. So there's my argument. I think that you're just asking for 10 times as much trouble, and I think you're just trying to sell out your shows at the Salt Lake City Improv next week. And get laid. Yeah.

Okay, now this is a very difficult decision. Okay. Both you guys had a lot of very valid points. Like Harland, I like the whole analogy of, like, the buttery orgy of oil. Like, the more kernels that you have, the more fun you're going to have. Thank you. And I also like the fact that you said that when one's out of commission, the other ones can pick up the slack. But, but Tom has many, many, many valid good points.

Like the fact that you two seem to be. consummate singletons so if you're never going to get married the one time, why are you going to do it to ten times? Not to mention more wives, more problems. I kind of agree with him there. Right? And then I also kind of agree with him with the

whole, we're going to take half. So if there's ten times of people taking half, that leaves you with really not a lot. So. You mean, you with a lot of sexual intercourse. See, but here's the thing. I'm all for the sex, right?

Oh. But I'm all for what makes sense I think we know Jerry's having his fair share of sex with no wives Yeah Jerry is Whoever Jerry is We know who won the damn thing Harland

I love you But Tom Green Get the first round I bet there's a lot of men out there who disagree Right guys Right guys I like it

Wow It's getting heated in here. There's cards being thrown. Tom, Zachary Green. Oh, and middle names are being thrown. Okay, Resor. All right, what's the next fight?

I'm ready to do this. Okay. All right. Assisted suicide. Yes or no. Serious subjects. Euthanasia. Yes, sir. What about the kids in China?

I believe that the euthanasia. Should have the right to euthanasia. You know, I think we all have the right to choose how we wish to end our lives. Being a cancer survivor myself. There goes the cancer card. I know how painful it was, being hospitalized. Fortunately, I had a highly curable form of cancer, testicular cancer, and I'm alive today because of it. but I know how difficult it was,

and if I had gotten to the point where I was not going to make it and I had to spend an extra several months getting sicker and more and more and more weak and losing all control and power to choose anything, I'd like to be able when I was still conscious be able to decide to end my own life. In fact, I think I'm going to end my own life. right now. Easy. I got some questions first, Dr. Suicide. Now, when you went through that stuff,

were you medicated? Did they have you jacked up on, you know, morphine and all that stuff? I was, I was not jacked up on morphine in a way that I wasn't able to make an intelligent decision. Yeah, but you got to admit there are people that are, right? They get them so jacked up. They don't know what they're doing. They're like, I want to die. I can't take the pain anymore. I can't. And then, you know, Who has the authority to assist someone being killed when they're not in their rational state? I think definitely that would be a stipulation that you would put into the rules where you have to be able to make a decision. You can't be hopped up on weird medication when you make the decision. So, yeah, obviously, you know, if you're unconscious, you can't make the decision either, right?

But I just think that we're living in a free country. They've just made it legal, by the way, in the state of Oregon. It is now legal for... I did not know that. No way. It is now legal. Euthanasia is legal in the state of Oregon. A very, you know, a progressive idea.

Is that where Corpian is from? Isn't it just because they live in Oregon and they want to get the fuck out? Here's the other thing. Obviously, I understand suicide is actually illegal, right? It's illegal. But I mean, how is that a deterrent, really? Is it actually a deterrent? Not really.

you know you what happens if you get charged with suicide not much right you don't really have to well you're going to get a ticket yeah what you you know go to hell who's going to pay yeah so i guess that's that's the final judge here's the thing like if if it's regulated then it's going to prevent people from jumping off buildings and potentially landing on top of other people who had nothing to do with it that'd be a good point right that'd be a tough way to go how'd ed die larry if you want to commit suicide. Was it a drive-by? No, Larry.

It was Larry. Oh, I'm getting a power slam for Larry? Stick your head in a wails bum, Harley. Wow, unbarreva blow. Listen, man, here's the thing. Life is precious. Every moment is precious. I've been around people that are sick and they're fading, but, you know, it's like

you're only here once you get that little spark in your eye. If you say, hey, somebody, come over here and kill me. I don't know. But wouldn't you rather somebody that wants to kill themselves do it with the aid of a doctor in a comfortable clinical setting as opposed to have to run out in the street in front of a bus and get their heads crushed on the ground or pull out of their gun, stick it in their mouth and blow their brains out of the back of their skull? I don't know. I worry about the guy like Dr. Kvorki, and I mean, this guy became a celebrity. He got his own movies.

He almost had a sitcom. He had his own moniker, Dr. Death. I mean, what if the guy was. guy's just doing it because it gives him a sense of power if he walks around at night and looks in the mirror and goes, how are you tonight, God? Well, I'm good, God. I'm God because I decide who lives and dies. I'm God. Come on, that's too much power. I think there'd be like rules and regulations so that, you know, someone can't abuse their right as a doctor to do it. I think it really would be still more up to the patient. I don't know. If you had like a big fat wife and

She was on her deathbed at the hospital, and what if she said, what if your big fat wife, who you love, you know, with their stretch marks and everything, says, you know what, I want to go. And you say, honey buns, you know, you're still alive. The doctor said you have six, seven months. Maybe you want to go, but you're my wife. I want you. I want to see you eat another cinnamon bun. I want to watch you drizzle olive garden spaghetti all over your chest.

You know, what about me? Why are you being so selfish? Like, why you, maybe I want you. So you want to check out, we're married, huh? Yeah. How about that? You know what? I just like listening to you.

Oh, man. I don't necessarily agree with what you're saying. Oh, come on. But I do really enjoy the way that you say it. Well, let me tell you this, buddy. If you were in the hospital and you said to me, Harland, I want to go. I only have five months left. Take me out.

I'd say, Tom, fuck you. You're one of my best buddies. I want to spend more time with you, even though you're sick. I'm going to be here and hold your hand. How's that fair? I'm going to hug you at night. I'm going to rub your teddy ruckspin all over your forehead when you sweat. You're rubbing my buddy.

And I'm not letting you check out. You're rubbing my teddy. I want you. But I'm in pain and I'm horrified. What about my pain? I'm afraid. What about my pain? I'm standing there for four hours.

My legs are tired. I ate some hospital food. It ends the pain for everybody. Oh, Tom. I don't want you to go. I don't want people I love to go. Who are we to decide? Do you believe in God?

Isn't God supposed to be the hand of doom? I think the person who should have the decision is the person that is dying. Hold on. I think I hear someone. Hello, Tom. This is God. I am the only one who will take you into the afterlife. Up yours.

Can't argue with God. That was God just there. I'm just saying people commit suicide anyways, so why not just regulate it so that it's done in a more? Okay, but let me ask you guys a question. Uh-oh. What if your guys's wife is in a coma and you guys don't want to be with her anymore and you want to go and be with another lady and you use the whole thing, well, it's legal to assist a suicide. No, no, no, it has to be the person. The patient has to be the one that decides.

Okay. Yeah. Just double checking. The patient has to decide. But what if you know you sign your advanced directive? It's called an advanced directive. Then you signed that so you still decided. Plus, listen to this.

Gurnies have wheels. You just pull them around. You know, if you want to go ghosts on a holiday with your comatose wife, roll her onto the beach. You want to go into the Motel 6 in Bakersfield and have a wham-bam slap you, ma'am. She can lay in the corner. She won't see anything. I'm just saying that by making euthanasia legal,

Why do you keep talking about the kids in China? Then you're giving the choice to the sick person, the patient, is now able to choose their own fate. Whereas by making it illegal, you're taking that choice away from everybody who is all ultimately going to die. This affects everybody. We're all going to die. Every single person on the planet is going to die at some point. And we should be able to have the right to decide how we want to die. everything else is free in this country we have the freedom to to speak about what we want to speak about why don't we have the freedom to die how we want to die we're mortals wow all right guys wow wrap did did everybody do a power slam you did our power slams yes okay so wrap up your your thoughts in closing on this particular topic tom i feel that since

people, you know, when they're sick, if you know you're going to die and you want to die in a comfortable manner, as opposed to in a painful, uncomfortable, horrible manner, you should have the right to do that. And considering that, you know, if you aren't legally allowed to do it, people may end up committing suicide in some disgusting and far more painful and horrifying fashion. God, I'm sad. Blowing their brain out, blowing their skull out of the back of the head. You made a very somber argument. Crushing their skull in a vice.

Anything else? You know, drilling a hole in their head with a black and decker power tools. You know? Yeah, no. I wouldn't it be better to this gift them? I want to kill myself right now. Yeah. You know what?

I almost agree with them. You have the right. I'm this close to blow on my brains out. You should have the right to do that. But I would rather, I was almost starting to see your side after that. I would rather you were put to sleep peacefully with the lethal injection. Put that sleep.

What am I going to the humane society now? What am I? A golden retriever? You said it. Humane. All right. Harland and your closing thoughts. Humane.

Listen. We're not. We're not God. We didn't create the fish in the sea. We didn't evolve amoebas into dinosaurs and into mammals. We didn't evolve into human beings with brains and intellect just so we could kill ourselves and take away God's masterwork. We are God's masterpieces. By that theory, we too.

Excuse me, sir. This is my final rebuttal. Sorry. It's getting heated in here. And life is so proud. You know, there's people when they get on their death beds, they go, if only I had five more minutes. Oh, my God, I didn't realize death was coming. So you should hold on.

Excuse me, sir. I am talking. When did you become Gilbert Godfrey? Oh, so what we should do, Affleck, what we should do is we should hold on to life forever. We've got to hold on to every precious second. That's the first thing I learned when I signed up at Affleck. I missed my case. Oh! Oh!

Wow. Okay. That was a lot of energy. Can I kill myself? That was really good with the impressions, by the way, Horvards. If it was up to me, you would have the right to do that. Okay, so again, two different schools of thought, very good points made to recap. Tom feels that a person in pain has the right to choose how to end their life. in a comfortable manner instead of a painful way.

Harland believes that God is the only person or entity that can take a life. And who are we to play God? Very, very tough decision here. Now, Harland is a lover. He just wants to love and spend more time with dying people. He wants to ease them into the afterlife. No, I want to ease them into the afterlife. Well, he said that you didn't want him to check out and that you wanted to love him and hold on to him.

I did. I wanted to rub his teddy ruckspin on his forehead. But like ease him into the, meaning ease him into the afterlife in a non-assisted way just with some love and some hugs. And Teddy Ruckspin on his forehead. And then yet you, Tom, feel that that is just inappropriate. If you want to go, you should go. And why put all your friends and family through all of that? Yeah, and also yourself, you know, all the pain and discomfort.

So I'm going to have to say, I'm going to, okay, I'm ruling in favor of God. Me? Yes, you, Harlan. It's a tight race here today. Yeah, no, it was really hard. Yes, because part of me agrees, you know, that you should be able to take your own life. But then part of me thinks that you're going to go to hell and be in a lot of trouble if you do that. It's true, it's true.

Okay, good. I'll take the win. I'll take the win. One each I believe in God God is great God is good Let us thank them for this food

We don't have to debate that But you know And I'm not trying to You know Pull a win out of the rough Or anything I don't know If somebody is dying right

Doesn't God Want them to die? Well he'll determine when But they're dying What if God was one of us? So if you take your life away. If we should leave everything up to God, then shouldn't we not try to save people then? Like not even put them in the hospital, not give them any assistance whatsoever, no medicine.

I believe the fight's over. What the hell is this? This ain't fair. What's the next fight? I won. I won. Tom, no way. Not letting you take it.

It's a very controversial subject. You know how? That's why we fight it out and I won. I'm right. People disagree. I'm right. All over the world on this one. Tom, I won. I'm right. So the standing at the time, at this very moment, here and now, Tom Green scores with one. Harlan William scores with one. This will be the deciding tiebreaker. What is it? What's the topic? Should humans pick up their dogs poo? Oh, and I'm for that? Yes.

Well, you know, there's dogs. I don't know how many millions of dogs there are in the world, in Los Angeles. Forget about the world. Dogs crap all over the place. It's dirty. It's dangerous. It could lead to festering diseases. It can cause sickness, airborne virus, junta virus.

Oh, wow. I get power slam before my opening state. Suck a bag of freeze-dried old lady farts. Whoa. Jerry. Wow, Jerry. Damn. Well, you know, power slam or no power slam,

to not pick up your dog's feces is just inconsiderate, unhealthy, dangerous, and rude. Well, I think we have to clarify, you know, that in the city, Maybe, maybe it's okay to, maybe we should pick up our dogs do-do in the city. But that being said, many people live out in the country and hunting dogs and people go out chasing foxes through the woods. Yeah. And, you know, if a dog shits in the woods and there's nobody. Does anyone hear it? Is that what you're going to say? Yeah. Does it make a sound? Do you have to pick it up?

Dude, I'd pick up not only the dog ship, but I'd pick up the fox's shit and the hunter who dropped one over the law. I'm just making the argument that at not all times do we have to pick up our dogies do-do. If we're outside of city limits, we're outside of city limits. Oh, wow. And we're out at the lake and the dog is running around, free-range dog, takes a crap out in the woods like an animal. There's no reason to have to pick that up. Sure, you do. What if a squirrel steps in it?

What if a deer steps in it? Show some respect for the other critters. I think that I would pick that up faster than Nellie for a yogurt stand. It's good fertilizer. I mean, it's kind of, I'm kind of saying I agree that you do have to pick up a dog food in the city. Oh, I think I might have just won right there. No, but I'm saying you don't have to pick it up out in the country. Why not?

You think country folk don't deserve to be treated the way city folk? Is that what you're saying, Mr. Green? Oh, I think you don't like farmers. It biodegrades into the forest floor. Well, why wouldn't it biodegrade in Central Park? Because it's concrete. Oh, what if they doggs shit on the grass? It's too closed in and air.

You know concrete's porous, right? It will absorb the stank. No, no. It's too many concentrated dogs in one place. They have to. So I would say that, and I would say that even just for the case of this argument, I would say that we should try to let

dogs this shit everywhere for a year and see how it goes. No. I think it would be kind of fun to walk through a city filled with shit. No. That would be fun. You've got to pick it up because what happens is if you ever walk down a city sidewalk

and you see those brown footprints, it looks like an alien lab. The shit prints is what they are. We have to do is we have to embrace the brown footprints. Oh my God. We have to We have to embrace that. We have to enjoy that. Oh, come on.

It's the kind of thing that, uh... That lets you know that you're there. Yeah. Do you know how many shoes have been fucked up? You ever seen that little space between the heel and the soul? Not only that, I think... Not only that, I think human beings should begin just taking dumps outside on the sidewalk. Oh, oh.

Everywhere. Oh, come on. Go up to Runyon Canyon. Oh, God. In Los Angeles, hiking with all the hikers. By the way, I call that dog poop canyon. It fucking stinks like shit Well not if I was there

I'd pick up every loaf I think every we should just get back To the way it was Before all of these rules and regulations Why not get creative with it You ever see those things When you're kids the Lincoln logs Those little things

Why don't we someone could like Sell dog turds to kids And they can make little log cabins And play little house on the prairie In their living room Yeah I could say Why does the house smell like shit And the kids could say

Oh, because we're playing Little House on the Prairie, Mommy. Hey, here comes Nellie. Ha! And then there's a big fucking log cabin of St. Bernard turd. What? Little House on the Prairie dog. Thank you, see? Thank you very much.

I think that we should just all shit everywhere. No. Yeah, everybody. Not just the dogs. That's the solution. Can you throw it out the windows? Maybe we're cleaning up our doggy do because we clean up our own do-do. and we don't want the dog to be embarrassed.

But maybe if we all just shit outside on the sidewalk, then everybody would be fine. It would just become acceptable. What about doggy diapers? It dries up and blows away. I love it. Have you heard of fecal dust? Have you heard of the junta virus?

In that fecal dust, which dust, if you'll give me this much, blows up one's nose into the nasal passages where the bacteria and the virus is. It's like cocaine. You got a good rush. off of that. You get a good rush snort and dry poodle shit. Yeah, you snort some dried poodle poo. Wouldn't that be nice? Every time you leave

the house, you get a huff of dried poodle poo, and you're flying like friggin scarfs for the next? I did party in New York one summer on Afghan turds, but that's a different story. Well, remember that story. I think you're seeing my point here now. No, I'm not. I think

I've partied on Afghan turds myself, and I would do it again. Really? Yeah. Have you ever had a St. Bernard fucking rave? Yeah. Oh, dude. Wow. I have out of St. Bernard rave.

That's my whole point. Oh, no. That's my whole point here. Listen, people die. People end up in hospitals. People end up in the coma ward. Even dogs don't like it. Dogs don't want to walk around and see their own mess all over the place.

Dogs don't care. They do. Some dogs will even eat the stuff to clean it up. Have you ever seen a dog eat its own? You know what? Let's put Dr. Ballards out of business. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's all to have our dogs eat the poodle poo, the Afghan fecal dust.

Oh, come on. Let's have poo for everyone. You know what? Somewhere in a hotel, Motel 6 in Bakersfield, Benji and Lassie are probably laying in bed together, covering their ears. I can't believe what I'm hearing over here. I hope that's happening. Oh, God. I really hope.

I think Benji and Lassie do a doggy style? Too soon. No, but seriously, man, I mean, we already have seven and a half billion human beings on planet Earth. So that means probably half those people have dogs. That's an enormous, that's like a Mount Everest of fecal matter. And that's just unsanitary. It dries up. It biodegrades.

I think, you know, people have been shitting all over this. planet since the beginning of time only in the last 20, 30 years or so has anyone bothered to pick it up? If you would go back to the caveman days or if they could, if the caveman

days could look forward today and see us running around behind the wolves that sat by the campfire, picking up their turds and putting them into little plastic bags, they would laugh at us. Cavemen. The cavemen would

just think we were the biggest fools running around behind the coyotes picking up their little poops and putting them in plastic bags. I don't think Org and his family had plastic back in the Mesozoic era. How did we become the species that runs around behind dogs

and picks up their poo? Because humans have a processing system where they process waste matter. Animals just do it right where we live and breathe and work and eat. Oh, God. I'd like to say that through the power of distraction

I think I made you forget to push your buzzer Wait, what? Did I forget my power slam? Yeah, yeah Oh, you son of a bitch! That's why I kept talking. I was

I was purposely thinking about it for the last five minutes. I did when I did the podcast with him. Can I read it anyways? Can I read the power? It doesn't count. That means I win, though. You won.

Yeah. Oh, my God. You just let me make my point knowing. Yeah, I could tell that you'd forgotten about it. You are evil. Let me read. The Power Slam strategy worked. It did.

It did. It's only the second time I've played this game, and I already am picking up on some of the little nuances. You are, you are. All right, let me read your Power Slam. This is Tom's Power Slam. It reads as follows, that is some wild stuff, Jerry. Oh man, I can't believe it I'm such an idiot

Dude, and it was going to be very tough call for me But I have to say You did a really good job, Harlan But Tom If it were up to me I was going to give it to you Oh, okay So now I don't feel so bad

I forgot my power of now I would have given it to you You had very good You had very good arguments He did I got to admit. I thought my arguments were pretty nonsensical, to be honest with you. I loved him.

That's why I was really, really trying to key in. I'm trying to distract you on the buzzer thing. Damn it. Burned. All right. Okay, well, okay, well, there you go. Thanks for having me on, guys. Oh, thank you.

It was so much fun. What do you have coming up? Well, everybody listen to my new podcast, the Tom Green Radio Show. It's on the CBS Playette Network and iTunes And also I'm on tour doing stand-up comedy Come see my shows Go to Tom Green.com for show dates I'm doing a big tour of Australia

Actually in March Oh nice What cities? Melbourne Sydney Adelaide Brisbane Perth Wow

And the whole country And a couple others Yeah And then Harland and Polly Shore And Bobby Lee and myself Are also doing some shows in Iowa lot together. Yeah, it's called the comedy party. Whoa.

It's an Iowa or is it Indiana? Somewhere in the Midwest over there. Yeah. We just found out about it so we don't have all the... Yeah. Where can people follow? We're in the information. We're going to put it up on our websites. We're going to tweet it out, harlowe Williams.com, and man, you were a good challenger today, Tom. Congratulations. I got to give it to you. He was on fire. He was on fire. He nailed it. Well, you guys, this has been a great let's have. have a fight podcast. I'm Sam Phillips, your referee. You can follow me on Twitter at the single

life, Instagram, Sam's Pajama Party, and please check out my radio show every Thursday and Friday on Vivid Radio Sirius XM-791. Thanks, guys. Sam, you were great. Awesome. Thank you. Thank you, Jerry. Thank you, Jerry. We'll see you next time.