The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - LET'S HAVE A FIGHT WITH KIRA SOLTANONAVICH

Episode Date: September 13, 2016

PREMIUM MEMBERS ONLY - It's another round of the  LET'S HAVE A FIGHT  Podcast WITH COMEDIAN KIRA SOLTANONAVICH - ENJOY PREMIUM MEMBERS! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome to the Let's Have a Fight podcast. Welcome to the Let's Have a Fight podcast. I'm referee Eddie Delisepi. Here are the rules. There will be three seven-minute rounds. Topics are selected by our producers and not known to the fighters until showtime. To balance the fights, each fighter must argue for or against a topic, even if it goes against his or her beliefs.

For comedic and entertainment effect, they are the voice for the everyman. Each fighter can stop a fight instantly with a power slam using their power slam buzzer. That's the sound. Power slams are horrible insults. Fighters have written on cards and handed to their opponents before the fight. Fighters will then have to listen to the opponent abuse them with their own written words during the power slam. If a fighter forgets the power slam during a round, he or she automatically loses the round at the end. of each fight.

Each fighter will be allowed a closing statement at the end of each fight and I will start and stop each fight with the sound of this bell and the end of each fight will review

my scorecard to determine the winner. Now, with all that out of the way, let's meet our fighters in the red corner from the bad lands of Slave Lake, Alberta. We have Harlan Williams.

Whoa, hey, what's up, players? And to my left, the beautiful, the very funny, Russia's finest Kira Slotanovich. Slotanavich. She was adjusting your moves the whole time. Slotanavish. Slotanavich.

Soltonovich. Very, very sorry. All right. I was distracted too. We were very just, I've never had some adjust their... She just adjusted the rate as you were saying her name.

Have you ever lactated? And they're healthy, too. In all, honestly, Harland, I was very taken aback by that. These are our fighters, everybody. Now, here. Now it should be lady's choice. Oh. You're going to go first.

So remember, you're going to choose one of the topics that are predetermined by our producers. I'm going to determine if you're for or against it. So before you pick, I'm going to say you're going to be for this topic and Harlan will be against it. Okay. Now remember, you have to argue that point. I will be four.

I'll be against. You have a power sign to use during your round. Are you ready? Yes, I'm ready. I'm ready. Harlan, are you ready? Yes, sir. Let's have a fight. Choose the topic. Okay, the topic is, should I just read it? Read it out. Should all religion be removed from society?

Remember, you're for this? I agree with that, actually. And Harlan, you're against it. Let's go. No, there's no way religion should be taken out of society. We'd just, we'd go nuts. People would be running in the streets with machetes and caramel corn. It should be taken out exactly for that reason, because people think we'll go nuts. People are obsessed with it.

It has seeped into every single part of our culture. And I think that it has made people nuts. And therefore, that is why we should get rid of it. No, there'll be no civility. There'll be no spirituality. We're not just human skin and bones and flesh. I mean, the human body has a spirit in it. That needs to be serviced.

What are you? Were you born on an egg roll in China? I was. I was, as a matter of fact. How dare you? Okay. You is my Chinese neighbor's last name, by the way. Guess what? There is no spirituality and religion anyway. Jokes on you.

It's all just made up lies, and we just keep perpetuating the same lies over and over and over again. Now, Harlan, she has definitely an atheist point of view. Do you feel, what's your religious background? It shouldn't matter. I mean, we're talking about all encompassing. For the record, I'm Catholic slash Jewish, but we're encompassing all religions here. That means you're Catholic slash Jewish slash a sucker. Because every person...

How's your fish tank? Fantastic. You know what I don't have in my fish tank? A Jesus fish. Because I'm not a sucker. That's making me cross. Well, you should be cross. We have a power slam.

You should be crossed. You know why? That means I pick up, right? Because you know why? Because Taco Bell is on line four. And you're hired as nacho. del asmunch. That seems a bit of a weird plug.

That seems appropriate. You know why? Taco Bell gives you diarrhea. You know what else gives you diarrhea? Here we go. God. Because you don't have hard stools when you believe in Leviticus. Now, Harlan,

now religion has a purpose. It helps keeps us, I feel, a sense of enlightenment, and there's a hope. Any certain verses of your religion that you can quote that you think that we're going to? Yeah, though. Shall not be a twist. quad and a prose religion.

I mean, are you kidding? You got to... Wait, what? What did you just say? What did... That's not, see, this is exactly what I mean. You're just proving my point. You go get an altar boy and run for the hills.

The hills have altar boys. You just prove my point. You say you're religious and then you can't even give one quote. I did. No, people use religion like a crutch. That's what they do. They don't want to walk on their own, so they want to use. use Jesus under their armpit as a crutch and lean on Jesus.

And by the way, it's not just Jesus. It's other made-up figures, too. But maybe they need it. Even if they can't tangibly see it, maybe they need a spiritual crutch. Maybe life is hard. Maybe people need something to be uplifting and positive and they can't make it on their own.

And all they've got is this invisible guy with a beard and blue eyes and a rippling body with a six-pack and type of toxa. Wait, what? Yeah, exactly. Easy. Where does it end? Where does it end? Why don't we make smurfs our gods?

Why don't we all, you know, pray to candy caves? Because beasts in BC they didn't have smurfs. They had rocks and twigs, so they had to create a god out of some kind of human visage. You know what? Oh, we got a power slam from Ireland. You're getting power slammed. You're getting power slammed real hot. Your naked body makes orphans have nightmares.

Oh, my God. Well, that's real rich coming from Gargamel himself, who wants to get rid of my gods, the Smurfs. I choose the Smurfs. They are all knowing, and they are who I want to pray to. And if you don't believe in the Smurfs, then we're going to kill you. That's what religion basically says. Well, let's talk about a bigger subject here. What happens after you die?

I mean, Harlan obviously has a certain belief. Exactly. What about in the afterlife? Is there an afterlife? Well, yes, there is, and we're all blue in it. Oh, come on. See, it's ridiculous, right? No, I mean, people need, people can't go through life.

If the average person lives 75, 80 years, they can't go through life thinking there's nothing there. There's no spiritual grape beyond. You heard what Led Zeppelin said. There's a stairway to heaven. I want to rock and roll all night long in some Victoria's Secret Angel wings. That's exactly how they say. But, you know, people need hope. They need something to cling on to.

is hard. I know you were born on a red carpet with a tangerine dream in your mouth. I can't help you, but... Is that a slam because I'm a Soviet that it was red? Oh, wow. Guess what? In the Soviet Union, there is no religion. There's not allowed.

And look at them. They eat chocolate and drive like Toyotas backwards. Exactly. Exactly. What's wrong with chocolate and Toyotas? I don't know. That's what dreams are made of. But my The point is, is that in Russia, everyone, that's what communism is all about.

We're all equal. Everyone gets the same thing. There's no special God. It's just, and guess what? Everybody ate. Everybody had clothes. They might not have fit. They might have all been gray smocks, but everybody had clothes.

Everyone had housing. Five people in one room, but doesn't matter. But the point is, yes, I was born on a red carpet. Lenin's red carpet. read from the blood of Jews. It's getting really deep here. That's your destiny being controlled by another mortal, another man. Right.

And I think people need more depth. No other mortal, a Lenin or a Stalingrad or whoever should not, you know, John Lennon shouldn't be allowed to control the path of people. It should be led to it by a higher force. I think, guess what, your entire argument, We can just shut it down right now because you said the word more tall. It's done. I win.

Wow. I think we got to let Eddie decide that. Thank you very much. Who are you? God? Obviously not. Yeah. Because you don't believe in yourself so you never could be, huh?

See you on the egg roll train, Panxpress. Oh, okay. That's the end of the round. I loved it because it got really personal towards the end. It's a great first round, guys. Give you a round of applause. It's really, really good. Really, really good.

I love that first round. So let's go over the points here. We got Akira, who brought some, her personal stories into it. She felt that the religion is something that was made up, that it feels like just keeping us in line. And much like communism, it's just this thing that we use that's not a tangible thing. Whereas Harlan feels it's more of a metaphysical thing. We need it to help keep us in line. We do it all the time with people.

Why not in the afterlife and stuff like that? closing arguments do we each get one we're going to get a closing argument here we're going to i'm going to need a closing argument for each you guys kira you got a one minute my closing argument is this there's no such thing as religion there are stories there are fairy tales there are made-up things that people choose to believe in and if you don't also believe in my made-up thing then you are wrong which is ridiculous harlan all right my closing argument is an open-ended closing argument because unfortunately for you you don't have to answer to me you got

to go up those big pearly stairs and stand in front of the gates and give your final argument to God and let's hope he has mercy on your soul when you're twisting on the ground like a Snickers bar blowing in a Fresno dust storm

God lives in Fresno some people believe that I'm going to have to go with Kira on this one Oh, God, you're all going to hell. Because although Harlem brought up some good points, I really question his biblical verses. And so it kind of loses the validity here. I think he lost it on Fresno.

I really do. The Fresno got thing. So it kind of sounded a little bit. Wait, my biblical reference, I use the word twat, I believe. Yeah, I don't recall. Isn't that in there? Matthew 17.0? I don't know if it's 17.

but I got to give Kira the round this way. I'm going to agree with that. So, Kira is up one to nothing. Harlan, you got to come back here. All right. It's a big round for you. I picked the topic.

So you're going to pick the topic. You're going to be against this topic. Ah, okay. I'm against this topic. That means Kira is for it. I'm for it. So let's read it out loud. Are malls and stores a thing of the past?

Are malls? and stores a thing of the past. He believes that they're an absolute obsolete form of retail. You believe that they're still thriving and strong in America. You believe that there's an American invention. Arlen thinks that because, you know, other reasons, it's a thing of the past. So, you know, we're going to argue these points. Are you guys ready?

Yes. Are you guys ready? Yes. Let's do it. Let's have a fight. Well, obviously, they're not because guess what? I was at the mall yesterday. and yesterday is not that far back in the past.

It was just a couple hours ago. Well, obviously they are because guess where I was today on Amazon in my living room on my laptop. D-Ding-da-dong, the dang-dang-dong-dang-dung-dang. So do you think that teenagers are a thing of the past? I think teenagers are werewolves. Ever heard of a teen wolf? Hello, Harbacca. Are there always going to be teenagers?

No. I think we can all agree that there will always be teenagers. And guess what? Teenagers need a place to hang out. There will always be malls. Oh, do you think Mexicans are a thing of the past? No, I have one in the car right now. Exactly.

There will always be Mexicans. Therefore, there will always be Mexican nannies. Therefore, Mexican nannies will take the kids at their babysitting to the malls. What are malls full of? Not only stores, teenagers and Mexican nannies. Well, if Mexican... Oh, we got a power slam, huh? That's pretty quick.

on the draw Charlie McNaugh We can make this round Really short Because I've already Basically won No I read your power slam

And let's see Where we go from here I want you to eat Molly Ringwald's Freckled Meat Flaps Wow Wow And guess what

There's a store At the mall Full of Freckled Meat Flaps It's nice she's getting a little shine I like to hear a little Molly round Well

Well here's why your so-called Beloved teenagers and Mexican nannies aren't going to hang at the mall much longer. One word, ISIS. Hello? You might not have noticed. We live in a dangerous world where terrorists are starting to target public places like discothex and sporting events. And it's just a matter of time till your beloved malls where your teen wolves hang out and stock

gazelles or whatever the hell they do. And there's going to be an explosion. And people are going to vacate malls faster than a fucking lettuce farmer at a, you know, yeast infection festival, okay? And people are going to go right, right to Amazon. They're going to be afraid to leave their homes. These teenagers, these nannies, they're all going to be on the computer. Malls are histola, as they say in Spanish. So let's say you have a yeast infection.

Maybe I do. You probably need to buy new underwear immediately. Guess where you should go buy new underwear at the mall. You're not going to wait for Amazon, even if it comes the next day. You still need underwear right now in this moment. And guess where you're going to find underwear because of your nasty-ass yeast infection at the mall? No, you're not going to go to the mall and risk getting blown up for a yeast infection. But what you could do is go to Subway and slap a Subway sandwich wrapper on your frontal lobotomy

until you get that thing delivered from Amazon, your yeast diaper or whatever. You've obviously never had a yeast infection. I will. Wow. Now, here's a question. I mean, Harlan believes that, you know, the Internet is obviously the way of the future. People are doing more stuff online, everyone's online, Facebook, shopping. Do you do an online shopping?

Look, we have to do some form of online shopping. So you agree with them. Where else are you going to get Portuguese porn online? Wait a minute. I was going to say foot porn. That's why you get it, because you're not going to go to the mall to get that. But for your every day, run of the mill, regular. porn. Right. Just people on people, not foot porn or barn porn, you're going to go to the mall.

No, they're antiquated. It's like the way CD, like Virgin America, they sold CDs and computers knock that out. Now online books are knocking things out. People are getting food delivered to their homes. Everything's going through the internet. Malls are antiquated. They're old. They're right out of a John Hughes movie, like 1973, circa 74. I don't even know what Circa means. When's the last time you were at a mall, Harlan? I haven't been at a mall for probably four or five weeks.

So you still go to malls? Well, yeah, but I went to buy a computer so I could get online and never have to go back. How about that, Wilma Flintstone? But guess what? That computer is much like a new car. The minute you left that mall, it lost its value. You're going to have to go right back to the mall to get a new one real soon. Oh, we got a power slam from Harland. Yeah, you'd need it. You're getting a little too jelly over there.

Here it is. When you orgasm, you look like a hundred Western church prostitutes. Wow. Okay. Protesters. You can't read. Either one works, which is funny. Either one works. 100 Westboro church protesters. Now, Harlem believes there's an inconvenience of going to mall. So there's an inconvenience you have to wait in line. You have to park, you have to do all these things. Don't you find that inconvenience? Do you know why Harlan Williams keeps getting yeast infections? Because he's sitting at his computer all day long instead of getting up and walking to get some fresh air between that tape misbehaving.

She believes exercise. I mean, it is true. We need to walk more. We need to actually be among people. Okay, that's something. That's an upside to malls. But that doesn't mean that future generations, kids aren't going to want to go to the malls. You can barely get a kid.

It may be okay for. me and you, but kids being born today, they don't even want to walk. They're going to have their electric Google car that will take them, you know, somewhere outer space, the Virgin Space Center and, you know, whatever. Look, have you ever been in a rolling blackout? Yeah. Okay. Guess what? Your computer's not going to work. You're going to have to get up and you're going to have to go to things like grocery stores. You're going to have to go and like, okay, maybe go to the mall or to a store or to a strip mall

or go to an establishment to eat or to get entertainment. I believe malls run on electricity too. Oh, I don't want to stumble around in the food court in the dark and get a hot dog on a stick up my, you know what. And get another yeast infection. How did I know it was coming back to yeast infection? Always going to come back to yeast infection. because if you don't treat them, they will come back.

Wow. I need to excuse myself. Now, she believes there's a dependency. Do we have too much dependency on the Internet? Is that a problem? No, because that's the wave of the future. We should have more dependency. We get rid of malls.

We save real estate. We stop people driving their fossil fuel burning cars. We stop collections of people that can be blown up by ISIS. Even if people can order things online and get it the next day, there's always going to be something you need immediately. Well, 7-Eleven. All right. That's end of a good, good round, guys.

Wow, we've got closing arguments from each of you guys. Ladies go first. What's your closing argument? You have one minute, Hira. Mall rats. The cartoon? That's my closing argument. Wow, wow.

Simple, to the point. Harlan? Well, that's okay. I mean, look, you make this argument that we need malls, so teenagers have a place to hang out, Well, there's underground garages, there's skating rinks, there's parks. There's all kinds of places, a dopey kid. They could go to hang out of Boo Radley's house if they want.

So I think malls are old news, antiquated. They don't fit into the modern framework of our society, and they're being phased out. They're slowly going to close. They're old. They're tired, just like Kira's argument. Wow. Very good round, guys. I like that round a lot.

Good round. What I said. Wow, so let's do a little recap here. I mean, Harlan believes that it's the way of the future. We feel like we're all online anyway. Why not shop online? I do a lot online shopping. We both admitted to doing online shopping.

Curit feels that there needs to be more of an active element to our lives, get out more, be more among people. And there's going to be moments where you're going to have to order something that you can't order online. I agree with both you guys, but you can't deny what's going to happen in the future. I feel like it gives me less and less malls. and I'm going to go with Harlan on this. Hey, oh, I'm going to go with Harlanism. Because, I mean, either you're... Both of you guys are so wrong.

Yeast for peace. Either you go with the future or you get left behind. This is going to be the final deciding around, guys. This is a big one. Oh, yeast for peace. Kira, you're going to be picking the topic. Now, I'm going to say you're going to be against this topic. Okay.

You're going to be against this topic. Okay. So here we go. Pick whatever one you want. Oh, boy. Here we go. Read it out loud, please? Should sex be delivered like Domino's service?

Oh, wow. So you're going to be... I'm against. It should not be delivered. Right. And Harlan thinks it should be delivered. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, boy. All right, guys. I think I'm going to win this round. Easy. You got your power slams ready? This is the final round. This is a big one. This decides who's going to win.

Harlan's obviously ready. Are you guys ready? Yes. Let's have a fight. Domino's pizza is. Disgusting, nobody likes dominoes unless you're drunk or unless you're so cheap, you can't afford real pizza. So if you want sex to be delivered, it's going to be disgusting, doughy, domino's pizza sex that doesn't taste good. Says you.

It makes you feel awful and gross and then you die. Yeah, but if you're done in half an hour, it's free. Wow. But no, come on. You lost all right. She's a power slam. Early power slam. Do you know why I do them early?

Why? Because I feel like I've already won. Oh, you sweet and sour. And there's no point in going on. You wake up at a Panda Express with Donnie Osmond's teeth. Done. Already happened. I went to junior college.

Why don't you go suck an onion with your Moby Dick ass, you freak? First of all, did you write this? under duress, your penmanship could not look more like someone has a gun to your head. It does look ransom notice. Doesn't it look like, hurry? It's a Sharpie. What am I supposed to be a... Sharp.

Sharper. Yeah. It's meant to write actually smoothly. It's not like I'm a calligraphy expert with a Sharpie. But you look like someone was like your whole family will be executed. Listen, I think you're trying to distract from... Look, we live in a fast-paced... society. You know, we live in a sex-riddled society, even though America likes to pretend that

everyone's decent. And, you know, if you see a nipple at the Super Bowl, we're all going to go to hell. People, if they could just get their sex delivered, clean, healthy, good-looking people driven to your house. The driver waits in the driveway. You have a half-hour, an hour of sex they go away people are less frustrated people are less pent up there's less violence less sex crime it's a service it's like getting a pizza delivered well harley feels a sense of convenience have you have you ever had sex you felt like it should have been more convenient well hold on let me just say what he said then i'll answer your question um i think you're forgetting the mission statement of dominoes it's not you have a half hour to eat the pizza are you forgetting it's just it will be delivered

within the half hour or it's free right and guess what when that happens they're going to going to choose the nearest chick who's riddled with tuberculosis and the Zika and whoever's closest is going to be delivered to your house. There's no quality involved. No, there has to be quality. If it's an industry

it's got to be. It's not going to be pulling random girls. It's got to be girls and guys who decide they want to be in the quick, convenient sex industry. I am not against a person getting delivered to your house and you can put it inside them.

I'm against. The question is like dominoes. So in a half hour or less. So what I'm telling you is that is a terrible idea. It's not going to be quality vagina. It's going to be doughy and disgusting and too much sauce and nasty ass GMO cheese. That's what you're going to get because it's a half hour or less or the vagina is free. You're not going to enjoy it.

You're going to feel terrible. afterwards, just like Domino's pizza. It doesn't have to be Domino's. I think the bigger picture is an industry where it can get delivered to your house like groceries or a pizza or anything. The question says Domino's. Excuse me. That's one of the solid points all day.

Harlan, have ever practiced what you preach? You ever had sex delivered to your house? I've never had it because it, well, it exists if you get an escort or something. Would you get it? No, I wouldn't. But if it was an overall. thing that was more of an industry and it was more commonplace more commonplace and people did it kind of like the way they've started to

legalize marijuana I would never think about doing that but now it you know people growing up into it are going to be like oh marijuana no big deal harland believes there's a market for it do you think there's a market for like instatart yeah instead of Instacart yeah insta tart yeah okay um Dama blows Dama blows is good yeah I just feel that if you Okay so you're saying It's It's the delivery of the person

Papa John's and we know what the John is I don't think he's done Sorry go ahead No please don't go ahead You're getting your final power slam right here I'm worried it wasn't going to use it is Your face looks like Donald Trump's breath Oh

Yes It's a big one Wow I think I know what he's He's talking about. He believes that there's a market for it, that there's people who would like that, much like people who would like Domino's because you may not like it. Doesn't mean it's not good.

Do you feel there's a market for it? There's a market for anything in this day and age. But what I'm arguing against is I don't think it's, I'm not sitting here saying, oh, it shouldn't happen because, you know, oh, I'm holier than now and I'm some sort of prude. I don't think it's a good idea because it's not. going to be a quality product. It's not going to be something that you're going to feel good or enjoy

afterwards. It's not going to be something that you are going to appreciate because it's going to be delivered to your house like a sack of potatoes. Right. But some people don't have time for a relationship. Some people

don't have time for all the emotion and if there's quality standards attached to the delivery whereas they've got to be health tested. They've got to be good looking. They've got to be in good shape. You're getting a good product at delicious product. I just got some food delivered recently, right? Well, we've all gotten food delivered to our house. They forgot. Did you have sex with it? Yes. So it was an eggplant. Yes. And I didn't feel good afterwards. I felt dirty and terrible. But that's not

my point. My point is they forgot the sweet and sour sauce on the side that I specifically asked for several times. They forgot the sticky buns, right, that I asked for. Specifically, I put it in my order. Those orders get messed up. Okay, well, if my delivery forgets her underpants, I'm not that worried about it. It just speeds things up. What if she forgets her anus?

And then where are you going to put it? Deliveries get messed up. It's not a perfect world. Something's going to happen where you're going to get ripped off and you're going to be pissed off because they don't always remember your order correctly. You asked for a blue-eyed blonde. You're going to get a donkey. Well, I hope your delivery has thick crust.

That's all I can say. Wow. Wow, I got angry at the end there. You're really angry at it. Somebody's ding-dong stock. This is a big round. You guys need to convince me about your point. You have one minute for a closing argument.

Harlan, you go first. Look, I just feel it's kind of like the mall issue, man. It's like people want things fast, quick, and easy these days. And, you know, we've got Tinder and we've got, you know, Bumble and all these apps that are almost like, you know, three seconds away from being, you know, what I just, we're arguing about here. So why do we just stop pretending that people just want to have some quick sex? They don't want to go to a prostitute. They want to go to a healthy corporate chain that offers a half a.

hour or an hour of pleasure and then you're out the door until you order your next one. Kim. Well, you just actually basically answered my argument for me. I don't have to even say a closing statement. Because guess what? Uh-huh. Who have you talked to

that's happy on Tinder? Nobody. People always complain about Tinder. People always complain about those dating websites. That person was weird. Because they're not getting enough sex. Well, that's the whole point of those websites. And yet everyone's complaining. Everyone's saying that person's a weirdo.

Everyone's unhappy. Everyone's like, this is strange, and this is awkward, and this is bizarre. And nobody has ever said, yay! True, love, or enjoyment, or fun, or excitement. Everyone's been like, weird. Okay. Wow.

Good final round, guys. Good final round. Let's, uh... She just gave me the stink guy, bro. Is that legal in this game? I could get it delivered to you. Wow. I'm going to give you the yeast eye.

How about that? A lot of yeast talk here. Let's talk about Harlan's point. Harlem feels that much like the malls being obsolete is just part of the cycle. We're going to start having this being convenient. It's going to be something that's going to eventually happen. Much like food, I feel like sex and relationships and stuff like that's going to be as quick and we should embrace it as we should.

But Kira feels that much like home delivery stuff for food, it may not be exactly what you want. And we're kind of taking the human element out of it. I feel that certain things should be convenient and certain things shouldn't. I'm with Kira on this one. I'm going to have Kira the round. I feel like if we have sex come that easily, it's going to erode society. Certain things should be convenient. Other things shouldn't.

Kira, you won. Yes. All right. I don't kill it up. Well thought. I adjust. Oh, hello. She started and stopped it with a boob adjustment.

Your winner is Kira Soltanovic. And Harlan, you had a great fight, my man. It was fun. Kira was a great opponent, but, oh, I thought I had that last one, man. I thought I had it, but... You didn't. I didn't. I could have used another Bible verses at the end of that one.

That's, let's have a fight. I've been your referee and host, Eddie Belisepi. Thank you so much, guys. Thank you.