The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTENT - LIVE ON THE SUNSET STRIP - COMEDY STORE

Episode Date: May 31, 2016

HEY PREMIUM MEMBERS! Here's a clip of me trying out some new material and having fun with the crowd at the world famous COMEDY STORE on the Sunset Strip. Enjoy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, welcome. Hello, premium members. My premium members, thank you so much for being premium members right out of the gate. I truly appreciate it. And here's some more premium content just for you for joining up. I hope you enjoy it. This is me on the sunset strip just last night at the Comedy Store, World Famous Comedy Store, store and uh i got up on stage and and uh when i go to the to the comedy store of places like this uh i usually just get up for like 15 or 20 minutes to work on new stuff and sometimes i get on stage and i'm in a mood and last night i was just in kind of this kind of i don't know just this kind of no bullshit tolerance mood and so i had fun with the crowd i kept admonishing the crowd for looking at me i had a i caught a girl picking her nose in the front row. I had an ambulance go by in the background. I could hear it. We could all hear it through the window. As an ambulance went by, I started going off on that. I actually did a burp

in the middle of my show, and I got my hand and kind of mimed throwing it, and it flew through the air, and well, you'll see what happened. So I hope you enjoy this set live from the comedy store in Hollywood, California for my very special premium members. Thanks for being here. Enjoy. Alan Williams. Hey folks, how are you? How about a hand for my dad? He couldn't be here tonight. He got hit by a snowblower.

He lives in Alaska and a fucking snowblower cleaved his legs off. So I'm here just trying to get through that. If you can picture my dad's legs flying through the air, kicking, you know, because the nerves are still going. nerves are still gone, and they're just, well, if you're going to laugh, maybe this isn't a place for me to get through it. But it got me thinking about family. You know, family, we all paid from a family. I mean, come on, gang. We weren't raised by, you know, cauliflower beetles out in Fresno in the fields. We weren't raised by potato mites or, you know, garlic beetles. Sir, if you could not talk.

trying to do a show. My father's legs were cut off. Sir, if you could stop running around in the dark in your Beetlejuice shirt. Trying to do a show, sir. My father's legs were severed with a snowblower. If you could stop cuddling, sir, I'm in the middle of a routine. Something like I'm doing a routine, I think I'm up my eucalyptus tree watching a fucking koala get it on. You know, I'm up here, I've got to focus, I'm doing a show for you.

I'm not in the outback watching koalas fuck a wall to me. You know, I'm trying to do something important here for you. All his legs, you know, one of them landed on the roof of the McDonald's. Okay, well, you're gonna laugh. I hope my father curses you from his very short grave. A half-sized grave, because he has no leg. Ma'am, if you could look away, I don't like your eyes. I don't like your eyes.

I don't like your eyes. You could just look away from the rest of the show. Uh... Well, you know, now there goes an ambulance or some kind of, you know, emergency vehicle right through my routine. And, you know, whoever's in the back of that ambulance, you know, fuck off and die. No, I got a show to do. I'm here for you. That asshole out there who had the heart attack and the stroke is fucking with you people.

And who stood up for you? Me. Who told that fucker to go die? I did, because I care about you, because I know you don't have the balls or the clits to stand up. That fucker, that inconsiderate dying son of a whore. And I got my dad going through my head, his legs are screaming through the air, and I got a didn't worry about someone else's fucking stroke. You know what?

Go to Denny's and fuck a full moon over my hammy with your numb stroke. brittled penis. Unbelievable, as they say down in Chinatown, right? Unbelievable. Boy, it's been so angry. Standing up here doing, I'm like a moth and a bug light up here. Waiting to get zapped. They do the wrong joke and get zapped.

Joke, I get zapped, ma'am. How's that feeling? I bet you work in a little cubicle that's padded and full of, you know, pens. I'm in a fucking death zone here. I say one wrong word. Fuck, I get fried like, you know, Michael Clark Duncan's left nut. So let's get down to what's happening. today. You've got to cross your arms because I really am trying to do a show for you. Wow. Let's get down to what's happening today, gang. Who owns a drone? Everybody's droning it up. I don't know. Everybody's getting a drone. $3,000 for a drone. I got one. Finally, a picture of the roof of my house.

I got a GoPro. Anybody got a GoPro camera? You got one of those, tonsile teeth tilly? It should be called GoPro. It should be called Go fucking kill yourself, is what it should be. The pressure, the pressure that comes with the GoPro camera. I strap this thing on, suddenly I'm diving underwater in the Bermuda Triangle, punching a hammerhead shark in the twine.

You know, now I'm riding a snowmobile through Alaska, chasing a full-grown bull moose and estrips, you know. Fucking, I'm ramming my fucking nut sack on a skateboard into a flagpole at the Armenian Community Center in Glendale. Fuck that. You want to know the footage on my GoPro camera. Here's what is. It's me sitting on my couch, naked, eating Pringles watching naked and afraid. That's my... It's my GoPro action. Go put that in your corn crop pipe and suck it out of your $3 assholes. I went out on a date not too long ago with this girl. And she told me on the way over she got stopped by the cops for speeding. speeding. And I said, how much was the ticket? She goes, oh, no, there was no ticket.

I go, what are you talking about? She said, well, I just, I just started crying. I said, what do you mean? She goes, yeah, just, it's like acting. I started crying. I got out of the fucking ticket. I said, are you shitting me? Like, what did you tell him? Like, what were you crying for? You're like, you know, I sometimes I'll say I'm TMSing, sometimes I'll say I've got ovarian cancer, you know, just crazy shit, right? And sure, off like two weeks later no word of a lie guy because I know you think I'm a liar but I'm not I get pulled over by the cops okay I'm speeding I'm 35 miles an hour over the limit okay and I'm thinking fuck the crying thing right so the cop walks

up to my window he goes do you know how fast you're going sir I'm like yes 35 miles over sir because do you want to tell me why you're speeding and I'm like the PMS thing I'm ovarian cancer sir all right well if you're not gonna laugh I'll go right into my next bit you'll always wonder what happened in the rest of the you know what you can roll you can go in the forest roll a log over find a salamander pick it up and lick its nutbag all right I like to fuck with cops when they pull me over. Best thing to do is just do a voice, you know?

Do any voice, right? Like cop pulls you over? Do you know how fast you're going, sir? Ah, golly, no, officer! I sure don't! Do you have any idea how fast I was going, sir? Why don't you go fuck yourself, officer? You could say just about anything

this voice and he was laughing and well that's getting a lot more of like a rolling laugh it's nice like that last joke where you just left me hanging in the wind like a fucking blown up fluk fucking flag

flapping in the breeze and fucking jimbali or one of those fucking Iranian cities Oh, I'm going to keep the burp. I'm not going to throw that fucker away. It's going to float around and come right back to you. Because you open your mouth and went, ooh, ha-da. I just sucked it in.

I hope you enjoy the fucking, fucking tendori shrimp. Suck that shit in, baby. So if you could just look away. You're following the election gang? Yes. Are you, who you're going for, love? Bernie Sanders. The Byrne?

Good. Nice to know you're chasing something that can never get to the finish line. When you get in your car in the morning, do you take a wheel off before you leave for work? Who am I going for? And this is my show. You will not ask me questions. Maybe you know my candidate. His name is Adolf Hitler. What's that, ma'am?

You think I'm sexy? That's interesting because so do I. You ever been to a motel sick? I'll leave the light on for you. for you. You pull down your pants for me. Why do you think I'm sexy, ma'am? I'm probably the least sexy guy I know. Why would you think I'm sexy? Speak with authority. Oh, it's a dude.

Was that a dude? It's saying it's going well for me tonight. My dad lost his legs and I found. out I'm gay. Man, if you could not pick your nose, I can see it. Straight up there, like going looking for Shrek 3. You know, look like... Doo-oo-oo-do-oo-oo. You see her just digging for fucking greenglots up there?

Holy fucking green blocks. It's like a green goblin from Spider-Man flying around under recessed, fucking nasal cavity. Before I go, what's your name, guy? You've been staring at me all that. You've got a good energy. You've got a positive vibe. Stu. Stu, excellent.

Beef or cheese? What do you do, Stu? And that's a rhyme. I'm not Dr. Seuss. but I'm really fucking close. What do you do, Stu? Restructure. You do what?

Finance. Finance. Okay, so I picked the one guy in the crowd where I have nowhere to go. You know, I was up here basically ripping this room of a brand-new asshole, right? And I run into a fucking brick wall

thicker than Charlie Simon's fucking horse team, all right? Folks, you've been great. I've got to get to Alaska, and my father's legs are on the last plane to Nashville. Thank you so, some of our lives here. Yeah, so there it is. And you're probably thinking after hearing that,

boy, Harlan's sounding kind of angry and edgy, but it's not. It's an energy I purposely take to the stage. You know, when I'm up there, I not only like to experiment with material and words, but I also like to experiment with my physicality, with the way I present it, the moods I'm in. Sometimes I'm overly bubbly.

Sometimes I play it really low. Sometimes I even pretend I'm mad and angry. So I just had kind of this neutral energy tonight. Messing around. Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you, premium members. And until next time, chicken chowmaine. Baby?

Thank you.