The Harland Highway - PREMIUM CONTERT - Harland's military stand up show!

Episode Date: June 7, 2016

Under the weather, Harland toughs it out to do a show for the troops! BOORAA! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hello, premium members. How are you? Hope you're doing great. Welcome to another exclusive premium member clip from yours, truly Harlem Williams. One of the things I promised you premium members, and by the way, thank you, as always, for being premium members. I do appreciate your commitment. And I certainly hope you're enjoying the content being provided. One of the things I promised you guys is recordings of my stand-up shows

when I'm working on new material or I'm doing a special event or some such thing. And tonight's stand-up recording of me live is an interesting one. There's a couple of things going on. One, I was not feeling well when I went up on stage. I was running a little bit of a fever. I had a cold. And it was one of those things. This is the hard part of stand-up comedy is sometimes you're booked to do a show

and you can be seven tits to the wind, which if you're not a sailor means you're feeling like crap. You've all had the flu, right? You've all called in sick to work. Well, when you've been hired, by a city or a town to fly all the way in and do live stand-up shows for people that have already bought their tickets.

It's hard to say no. It's hard to cancel. It's a big conundrum. It's a big, you know, the club has to cancel. The club has to refund all the tickets, the flights, the hotels, the this, to that. You know, me getting paid. So it's really tough to just cancel

a show. Luckily, this was a local show and it was what I thought was just going to be like 10 minutes. It was a local show down at the Hollywood Improv in Hollywood, California. And I thought it was just one of those nights. It was a Sunday night where I thought I could go in and work on some new material. And I thought, I'll do the 10 minutes, suffer through my misery and get out. No one will be the wiser. And then I get there. I'm not feeling great. And one of the guys running the show before it starts walks up to me and goes, hey man, thanks for being here. I said, you know, you're welcome. Thanks for having me. And he goes, this really means a lot for the troops.

And I go, the troops. He goes, oh yeah, didn't anyone tell you this is a military show. This is all for the troops here tonight. This is for the military, man. And he goes, look, one of the other guys bailed, you know, can you go a little longer for the troops? I go, what do you mean a little longer? He goes, you know, do like half an hour, 25 minutes. And I'm like, uh, okay, for the troops.

You know, I want to do stuff for the troops. Really, honestly, I do. So here I am not feeling great. And it's the troops all of a sudden. And all of a sudden, I'm doing double, triple the amount of time I thought I was going to do on a, on what I thought would be a lazy Sunday night where I could whisk in and out. Nobody know the difference. And proudly, I was very, you know, it's always an honor to do things for the troops.

Trust me. I mean, my goodness, what they give us in return, what they do for us without any return is beyond scope and scale and imagination. But as I've told you guys before, when I do my stand-up shows, when I do these kind of new material nights, and when I'm experimenting and testing out new directions for my comedy, a lot of times I'll go up on stage with the mood I'm in, or kind of I'll pick a mood, or I'll pick a frame of mind, just to experiment with. And in this situation, I had such low energy,

and I was so, my head was spinning. Like I said, I had a little fever going. I was sweating. I was sweating before I even got on stage. had a little bit of the chills my head was dizzy I didn't feel I was thinking quickly

and so I was going to go up on this night and just kind of take that energy up there with me and once I heard it was the troops I stuck with that I just did not have the energy to switch gears and so I went up there just very lackadaisical and very just

I'm a little bit zoned out up there And I ended up getting into conversations. There was a soldier from Afghanistan who, no word of a lie, looked like Fabio. I mean, this guy had long, flowing blonde hair and chiseled features. He looked like that. I can't believe it's not Butter Fabio guy. There was a lot of obscure musical references that I made. I mean, there was all kinds of weird stuff going on.

So there was a nutty Star Wars guy. You know what? I'll let you listen to. it. I think it turned out actually to be a, you know, a little bit of fun, but it's definitely a little bit different energy than what you normally hear of me up on stage. So there's probably a few quiet spots, but I think there's some laughs in here. And again, this is just a way for the premium members to get closer to my stand-up comedy experience. And I love sharing it with you guys who took the extra step to become premium members. So here you go, guys.

hope it makes you laugh and here's a big shout out to our troupe. This next comedian coming up to the stage, ladies and gentlemen, very funny guy. He's all the way from San Jose. Keep it going for Mr. John Smith, ladies and gentlemen. Mr. John Smith from San Jose. Thank you, Matt, brother. Thanks, Jay. Great to be here, gang. What a special night. We got how many people here have served?

Yeah. Isn't this nice over here? Ladies, you can sit down. I'm not trying to start my show. I come from, I have three sisters and two of them serve. And so I'm very proud. How about a hand for my two sisters who have served? And I'm not sure how many of you have been to the cheese cake factory at the grove, but they serve there. I don't care if you get a lot of my sisters are, maybe this isn't a forum for me. Sir, if you could stop doing the Zika thing or there? to make people laugh, not get an infectious disease that will cause my child to have a giant pumpkin head.

You don't mind looking away. Don't need your energy. Here's a question and rack your brain on this one. If a C cucumber and a regular cucumber, cucumber met on tinder what the fuck was that said like the tin man from wizard of Oz just squatted down into the diarrhea over there oil somebody sounds like a baby hyaida weed

to hear that it's like he he he ha ha ha ha ha ha ha All right, you know what, I'm going to bail right the fuck out. You would have had a nice cucumber slash sea cucumber joke. But because of the rain man over there and baby hyeno Wilson, I'm just going to bail. I'm going to go on to another joke. Sir, if you can look away, I don't like your eyes. I saw a few people put their hands up.

Sir, you could stop eating and focus on my show. You said you served, sir, you've had your hand up. Where are you at, guy? I'm right there. Well, clearly you're not a Navy SEAL, because I can see you. Where did you do a tour somewhere? Iraq and Afghanistan. Iraq and Afghanistan.

I told you it's the fucking tin man. That's tight. That's tight. Which one was rough for Iraq or Afghanistan? Afghanistan. Because you're up in those hills. You're fucking tallymen's up there, right? Did you take any...

Well, sir, you could respect our soldier here and not... Well, you're going to... You're going to take a pest. Well, this guy was sick. He gave you the right to take a pest. Why, well, you know, it's going to take you a seven-hour ship with her out. I don't have a little fun. I can't believe it's not Butter Soldier over here.

This guy loved it. Did you call him Fabio? What? What? It's visualizing him on the boat. You're visualizing him on the boat? I don't know what that has to do. That's good.

Good for you. So how long were you in Afghanistan? Nine months. Nine months. Guys, I can just tell you're a badass. Like the way you're talking stuff, like you're the type of guy that later tonight, my eyes are going to flutter open. I'm going to hear a little whisper of the sound, see a shadow moving through the dark,

and as I go to scream, I'm going to realize my throat's been slit. Because it's going to be you, isn't it? And you'll be, here's your fucking butter, asshole. Well, thank you for your service, my friend. God bless you, man. I think sometimes we get problems, we think life's tough like your car ever break down butt? No. No.

Never broke down? Alright, have you ever lost the wheel on your skateboard? You don't even have a fucking car. What are you nine? Look at you. Why is it going laughing? Where is this guy going off? apparently i just have to heckle the crowd then i'll hear from johnny fucking long drive

do you want to apologize to the men crawler or what i'm sorry that i mean there you go that's respect right it's all right buddy sometimes that newman's own you want to what i wanted to get out of the way so i enjoy the show you wanted to get out of the way so you just stood up right in the middle of it it's all right buddy i love Are you in the military guy? Not anymore. You were, though, right? What'd you do?

Army, holy shit, at what capacity? Here we go, gang. Huh? You can't say? I said, what would you do in the Army? Oh, air defense. Air defense? Holy shit.

What does that mean? Like, plane went over? You threw a rock or something? Fuck on. Asshole. Look, it's the enemy, it's the deltas. Do you know your planes pretty good? Probably, right?

Pretty much. You shot shit out of the sky. You shot shit out of the sky, so you know your planes. you playing all right test it out no i'm not do it here please i know i'm gonna test you out player what the fuck was it what the fuck was it was it Who's a big one? It was a big one. The guy's good.

The guy's good. You want to try another one? Alright, here we go. About this one. Go ahead. It's a basketball. Helicopter, no, that was my mother eating corn. You're not going to have a flashback tonight because of that joke, are you?

Did that turn you on? I'm glad you're here. How are you guys sitting here behind me? What's your name, Fred? Roe. Wrong. Holy shit, so you're a city. Fuck, that's a pretty fucking big name, man.

Ro. Who's that with you? Fucking Dallas? I love this guy. He laughs at anything I say. That's a cool thing. That's a sexy name. You should have fucking trumpets before you say your name.

What's your name, dude? Rowe. Good to have you, Roe. What are you doing, my friend? A personal trainer. Holy shit. You look like you're pretty ripped up, huh? Buffed out?

You ever done that American Ninja Warrior thing? I know. How come, guy? You're ripped up and buffed? Huh? Have you ever done anything like a professional sports? Do you ever been in the Olympics? No.

You're ripped up, dude. Do you ever walk through Boys Town on Santa Monica? How are you, man? If you could look away, I don't like your attitude. What's your name, ma'am, right here, and then I'm going to pop right into my act. How are you? Jocelyn. Okay, what are you doing, my love?

Um, right now I'm doing school and I'm a reserve in the Army. You're doing school and you're reserved in the Army and? I work. You work? Where, ma'am? I do. You work in a gym. Holy shit.

It's not like she said she climbs up a runny asses his asshole way, you know what you're so fired up about. It's like she never, didn't think gyms were real. Holy shit, Jim. I thought those were only an avatar. You weren't you, did you ever see any personal traders hanging around over there? Huh?

Yeah? Care to throw in any names? I might not know them, but I might know one of the personal traders. Let's his name start with a... No, okay. You obviously didn't see where I was going on. Oh, cool, dude, you got a Star Wars shirt. Holy fuck. Talk to me, Guy. Talk to me. Hi. Hi, what's your name, Guy? Joe.

Joe, holy fuck, with a Jay? With a Y. So, it's like a silent Y. You're from Finland or something? Yeah, my name is G-all. What's with the Star Wars shit player? They keep it real. Leave it bad. What's up? I'm a Miami, bitch. What's that all? What's that all about? You love the Star Wars? Aye.

Aye. You're mental, aren't you, dear? Oh, my God. Are you in the Army, too? You better be. You like that fucking nut from a full metal jacket that fucking went crazy. I'm not there yet. You're not there yet.

You're tough. Wow. I like the Star Wars, too. Who's your favorite character? Vader? Darth Vader? You're just on a last-day basis of it? Yeah, you know, we're in the fucking veins going on the fat fries.

You're a big fan, though, huh? You ever, like, when you're making out with your woman, pop into one of the voices? Like, when you're having an orgasm, you ever like, ah, ah! Then she looks out, oh, that was good it was. I am moist I am. You ripped me open, you did. I'm doing my whole show for your buddy there. well this is fun this is fun what a great crowd i gotta just get to know the crowd a little

more than i'm gonna pop right into my act here how come you're looking down man don't look down i'm afraid i was gonna talk to you no i like your bonnet it's beautiful what's your name i love exotic name. You don't hear that one. Anybody know him in to Neil? Anybody know a captain? Any were no captain in to Neil? You like that all money? Is that your girlfriend?

So it's really not that funny. He's like, I'm gonna bring you to a comedy show. I'm going to get her all licked up, and then after it, I'm going to get me some. And then all of a sudden you laughed at that shit joke in here. You're not going to get any for about two months, dude. I like your name. What's your name, buddy? Christian.

Holy shit. You have a sister? You do? Sister Christian? Is it all musical references with me, too? You know that song, right, buddy? I'm the sister Christian, know your time has no. You know that song?

You ever punch an old lady in the face when you're listening that song? You will. You will. How about you, guy? You ever put a cheerio in your asshole and try to whistle a reality song? Once, yeah. Umbrella. What? This guy loves me.

I love you, dude. Everything I say is fucking gold. Alright, let's do a little more crowd talking and then I'm going to pop right into my act here. Do I love with the blonde hair? You look, you know, if you like an X, you ever see the X man? There's this character named Storm. She has a crazy, crazy bleach white hair. You look great. What's your name, man? Mandy, holy shit. You ever stood at the edge of time? You haven't. It's maybe his first night in LA, she just moved here. She just moved here.

Where'd you move from? Don't you love the British accent? You got a crazy-ass accent over there. Where are you from? Well, I do, Kenmore. I'm from Tennessee. Nashville. You're from Nashville. You're from Nashville. Y'all say y'all over there? All over there?

Y'all. Y'all? Y'all. Well, I figured out y'all. You're not fooling me. I figured out y'all. And you took you, and you took all, and you just switched them together. Because you're too fucking lazy to say, too work.

But I can play your little game. I was in Texas not too long ago. I was at an ATM machine. Some guy pushed me out of the way and says, hey, why don't y'all get the hell out of my way? And I said, yeah. Well, why don't y'all fuff? y'all faffed.

That's not on that fucking round right there. Man, with those glazed over-eye's faff, this fuck off, just for that. Holy shit, what do we got? Galapagos tortoise in here? A giant plate of fucking gomboli beans or something. Well, that's not a vibe you did. So you know, Tim, what are you going to do?

What are you going to do here, Lop? You're going to pursue a friend of acting? What are you going to do here now? What are you going to work at, child? She's a singer. She's a singer. She's a beautiful singer. I'll be the judge, okay? Sister Christian.

And what about you, man? What do you do with the nice boy? I'm a farmer. You're a farmer? You don't have to be the way at Parmesan.com That is funny. That's funny.

Is that right about? Too soon? Not funny? That is funny. Because you're a fucking city girl, that's why. Did you ever use that the farmer's only thing if you done it? I am. You have?

Did you meet a farmer? You've got a couple? Wow. Okay. Were they good guys? Did it stick? Did it last? I'm here with your girlfriends.

Oh, okay. So it was farmer's only lesbian something? Okay, that's cool. Whatever bails your hay, right? How about you, buddy? Ever getting naked, row backwards through the corn? You will, you will. All right, I was going to get into my act, folks, but I got to wrap it up.

I'm getting this signal from the back. Sorry, dude. You know, there's other comments. What's that? You want me to stay? You want me to stay? All right, you know what I'll do? because you're like your passion so what I'm going to do is I'll do my end joke for you

and I'll let you give me the topic because you have you have passion you're the only one that spoke out in this sea of hatred pick a topic guys this one's for you my friend what Trump Trump all right Hello, my name is Donald Trump. I am going to build a giant wall across the border of Mexico and California. I am going to use my fucking hair to build it. And that's all I got. Well, you're a fast state.

Sincerely, thank you, thank you to all you guys in Dallas and the military. You guys speak this country's great. Thank you very much. Stop Bradshaw. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, John Smith all the way for Sam and let him know. All right, there you go. Da-da! Oh, there you go.

And in case you're wondering, John Smith from San Jose, I think I've told you this before. When I go up on these workout nights, I call them, I usually go up just under a fake name because I like to do it. I don't like credits. I don't like any accolades or assets. My motto is go up bluntly as an unknown entity and make people laugh. So, you know, as I said, I apologize if that one was, you know, you can tell I was a little bit off.

I was a little bit slow. I was meandering a little bit. Usually I keep it tighter and faster, but my energy was low. My forehead was sweating. When I got off stage, the back of my shirt was, like, soaking wet. Because, like I said, I was running a little fever, little Zika virus happening there. But, you know, the military thing took it in an interesting direction. There was some neat jokes that came out because I was talking about the military and, you know, blah, blah, blah.

So a little bit slower than normal, but still, hopefully you got a few giggles in there. And, you know, I'll speed it up next time. So that's it. Thanks again, premium members. Tell your friends to get on board the premium train. and keep your eyes peeled for the next episode of the Let's Have a Fight podcast. I'm working on getting some of those into the chamber and coming your way very soon. That podcast is a lot of fun.

It's a whole podcast dedicating to verbal fights between two worthy comedic opponents. So there you go. That's it for now. and we'll check you next time and until then peace love and happiness thank you to our troops for keeping us safe

and fighting the good fight and until next time chicken chau-main baby salute Thank you.