The Harland Highway - PREMIUM MEMBER CONTENT - Harland live STAND UP comedy and interview.

Episode Date: April 23, 2016

Harland does some BLUE material and then has a sit down with some friends to discuss the material. Enjoy, PREMIUM Members!! Thank you for signing up. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hello there, my premium members. How are you, special, special, special, special people? Hey, great to have you here, gang. Alertels and Fleur-Glarden bledggins. Here we go with some more special premium content for you premium members. No one else gets to hear this except you guys. So before I roll it, thank you. so much for signing up for the premium content.

I hope you're having a blast with it, and I really appreciate you going the extra mile to join, and even more than that, I really enjoy creating the content for you guys. So here we go. I did a live podcast recently at the Hollywood Improv in Hollywood, California, with my friends Adam Ray and Brad Williams. And they have a great podcast called About Last Night. Please download it. It's tons of fun.

They do a great job. And so they asked me to come and do some live stand-up and then sit down and have a little talk. And so here's a segment. I'm not going to play all this stand-up because some of it you've heard before. And this stuff you haven't heard before because I was experimenting. This was some new stuff. word to the sensitive some of it gets a little blue every now and then I like to try stuff that's a little edgier a little darker

just to see where it goes to see if there's anything to it and tonight I got a little bit darker a little bit bluer so if you're sensitive to that kind of stuff don't listen and then on the other side of the stand-up we continued the conversation I finished the stand-up up and I sat down with Brad and Adam, and they asked me about one of the topics I was talking about during the stand-up. So it's just a little quick five-minute segment.

The podcast I did with them itself was probably about an hour long. So just a little teaser sample. Hope you guys enjoy it. Thanks again, premium members, and here we go. Keep going for the one movie, Holland Williams. Anybody here into starfish at all? Do you like starfish? I always wonder if I was a starfish, you know, what would it be like if you're laying in the ocean in about four feet of water and it's night, right? It's a nice, clear, beautiful night,

and you're underwater, and you look up into the starlit sky, you see the twinkling, stars and you're laying there as a starfish and you just go, how the fuck did they get up there? Larry? Um, I'm a little sadden because I think as we all grew up, we all loved cartoons, huh? Did you love cartoons guy? Who is your favorite cartoon character? I have no idea. You have no idea.

So I was probably the wrong person to go to. We all loved, you know, we had Mickey Mouse and Wiley Coyote and Scooby-Doo. And there are great characters. And then today you turn on the TV and you got like the Mucinex snot goblin. Kids are growing up on a character really composed of mucus, talking mucus, who wanders around in movie theaters and has teeth. It's really just a snot goblin, gang. You've got that cartoon characters, this new enjoyable treat for kids, the foot fungus guy with the football helmet on his head. like a rotten toenail, but yet just a lovable little cartoon guy.

There's this new one, I don't know if you've seen it, it's literally a claymation of an intestine. You've seen it, and it's running around at a football game, and they're talking about it, how is it, you know, if you have aggressive diarrhea, it's like the aggressive diarrhea, lovable little chinkins. There's one now where there's a spleen, people are walking around holding hands. If you go to the bathroom too much, you have to tinkle in the middle of the night. Some guy's holding hands with a spleen with adorable little bambi eyes. Okay, let's shift gears. I don't want to get rude.

This is more a biological commentary. I don't want women to be offended. But this is more biological, and it has to do with the human physique. It has to do with the process of maturing men and women coming into manhood and womanhood. But wouldn't life have been a whole lot easier for adolescent boys? And again, women don't get offended. This is just, I'm thinking out loud here. Wouldn't it have been better for adolescent boys going through puberty,

and they had to go through that awkward stage, they had to get to first, second, and third base with a woman. Wouldn't it have all been so much easier if a woman's pussy lips were on her mouth? Like, imagine first base. I mean, if you've got to kiss a girl, you're instantly eating her out. you get a blow job if you're that lucky it's not third base you fucked or you went all the way on and just imagine if you're a little bit offended

and you're saying that's that's that's an abal nation just think of the wonderful incredible bird calls you can make just almost you wouldn't be able to differentiate between a wild red-crusted warbler in the maple forests of Vermont or some woman's labia's laughing up and down. And again ladies, I don't worry to be offended by any of this. I can't take this anymore. May you go for a tinkle? Because if you start taking a tinkle and we hear a red-crested woodpecker hat.

Let's switch gears. That was rough, hey, buddy? What's your name, Love? Nicole. Nicole? You're beautiful. Thanks. Your model? No. Actress?

Yes. What have you been in? You really want to know? Not really? I'm going to do a show. All right, so after doing a little bit of stand-up, the guys invited me to sit down and talk with them. And I'm not going to play the whole podcast

because you've got to go go to their site and listen to their podcast to hear it. But I think it's okay to play a little segment that referenced what I was doing on my stand-up. talking about cartoon characters, the Mucinex guy. And so the guys asked me about, you know, what kind of cartoons I watched when I was a kid. And here's a brief little fun exchange that we got into talking about cartoons. So I hope you enjoy this.

This is with me, Brad Williams, and Adam Ray on Brad and Adam's live podcast. Did you have a favorite cartoon growing up? I love Scooby-Doo. Yeah? Yeah, I mean, I didn't remember, this was pre-the-Mucinic snotcobb. Now it's this guy. He's a lovable character. He doesn't get enough shout-outs.

But I just loved Scooby, because, you know, I liked Shaggy. He'd just, like, you know, everything was like, you know, everything was like, well, everything was. Like, there's a Chinese restaurant, Scoop. Like, he always... Shaggy was impressed by everything. It's, like, almost like he'd be... And he was always fucking clueless. Like, he'd look at his, everything was a mystery.

Like, he'd pull out his driver's license and go, Like if I'm on my driver's license, then who am I? I would love to see Shaggy, like, living, like, right now. Like, I feel like even the small, like, he'd be in line and subway and be like, like, if I get a six-inch tuna and get the chips, it's still under ten bucks. Can you imagine Shaggy pulling up through a drive-thru? He'd never fucking leave. Like I'll have the quarter with cheese and the chicken and the fucking, well, okay.

The mic got very confused. Mike doesn't like my comedy. Yeah, Shaggy, yes, we do it was good. Also, it's like, you know, that was, I mean, if I'm wrong with the first time, like, a group of gangbusters, you know, welcomed in a canine to the crew. Yeah, yeah. Chimless, chinless, he was weird.

He was like a chimeless. Yeah. And he didn't speak actual English, but, like, they all... They was just like, uh-oh. I just took his shit on the floor. That was a fun season. That was a fun season. And in what world does a chinless fucking Great Dane hunt for the deceased?

That's how high Shaggy was. Yeah, really? I think it was just that whole thing was through the prism of his shirt. They should have ended the whole season on like Shaggy just waking up and like six bongs around him. and he's just going like, what just happened? He'd direct the entire show. He's on an episode of,

what's that fucking show on there? No, he's got your brother, but what's the one where they take rehabbed people? Intervention. What is? Intervention, yeah. Well, Shaggy was like,

that show was truly revolutionary because Shaggy was a stoner. So that kind of gave some kids view into their future. And then, Melma was a lesbian. Was she confirmed? I mean, yeah.

Some guy's like, oh, yeah. That fucking bainty. No straight girls wearing that shit. Wouldn't even call out. But if she was a lesbian, how come, like, they never had that scene where she was in the mystery van with, like, Daphne?

Like, because Daphne was hot. Right? Dapney was like... Only in my mind did that scene happen. A lot. Yeah, Daphne and Velma. But Velma looked like if Where's Waldo took a shit. You know what? I don't know if you guys have had this happen to you, but when you're on a porn website, so that's a lot of you, right? Right? Okay. We're still laughing at Where's Waldo took it? I don't want to move it on from that. Have you guys ever been on a porn website, and then on the side they have ads for other porn websites, and they have ads for other porn websites, and they have

Sometimes they'll be like a cartoon thing. They'll have like the family guy fucking the family. One guy's like, yeah, yeah, shit's annoying. Thank you. I'm not the only sick. Fuck in the room. But like what? That kind of ruins my boner.

I'm watching a scene that I like and then I look over and I see Smurfette getting gang-based. Again. Again. Yeah. Like that's not doing well for me. No, that's not helping. Who are these people that are like... That's not on the list of this.

to help Brian get hard. Yeah, it's not. I don't want to see Lois from family guy taking it from Brian the dog. It's not going to do a lot from a bowder. Jesus. Dude, I saw, like, there was like a gay one where it was Mr. Smithers during that Christian guy from the Hey Diddly Do guy. He was like, Hey Diddly Do, neighbor.

And he was like, release the howl. And then they were. And then what was really about, they didn't show her, but you get to hear Maggie's, like, sucking noise in the back. Oh, God. It's cartoons, people. It's not a real baby. Okay, you know that. So there you go.

Little nutty back and forth about the world of cartoon characters. My thanks to Brad Williams and Adam Ray. Again, please check out. That's just a little tiny snippet. Check out their podcast. called About Last Night and I'm sure you'll enjoy that again thanks to them for having me on

and thanks again to you guys my premium peeps my players oh player be cray oh player you'll be craye play you be craye player craye cry you're not cray craye

you're just a little nuts but thanks guys and until the next premium premium segment Keep on trucking And chicken chow main, baby