The Harland Highway - PREMIUM MEMBER - STAND UP COMEDY FROM HARLAND

Episode Date: February 20, 2016

Harland works on new material and interacts with the crowd, LIVE at the Hollywood Improv! ENJOY! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, my premium members, hey, thanks for being premium members here at the Harland Highway. This is special content just for you. Hope you enjoy it. This is yours truly doing some live stand-up at the Hollywood Improv in Los Angeles, California. This is me working on new material, trying out new bits. This is the stuff that people don't get to see or hear because this is where comedians like myself, we try out all the new stuff and it sinks or it swims. And tonight's outing felt pretty good. There's a lot of stuff I'd never done before. Tried it for the first time in this set. So you're hearing

virgin stuff. And I had a good time. So I hope you enjoy it, and I hope you're enjoying the premium content. FYI, coming up, we have Let's Have a Fight number five. Coming up for you on March 2nd, I believe it is. Yeah, that's Tuesday. No, March 1st, I apologize. Tuesday, March 1st. And my special guest will be Adam Carolla, the king of all podcasting.

Adam Carolla and myself go head to head. on Let's Have a Fight episode five. So tell your friends, encourage everyone to join the premium membership for only $20 a year. I certainly thank you. It helps support all the crazy podcast stuff I do. And I try to bring you guys top-notch premium content.

So without further ado, let's get into the laughs and the chuckles. Here it is. Yours truly. Hollywood Improv. working on the old stand-up routine. plunge brownie cake glistening on a window ledge at a farmhouse. If you could clap, you could clap with the others?

Give me a couple of slap fox. There we go. What a tree. Happy 2016, everyone. Sir if you could stop talking to your show. What a... Everyone happy guy, 2016? Lucky you, all pumped up like you're on roids and caramel corn and saliated...

combustion chips from the factory down the street. Maybe if you could take your lights off and throw them in a homeless person. What a tree, what a... Guess how I started my year, Broncoville, you're not going to believe it. I started my year. I went on Ancestry.com.

Has anybody done this stuff? No, who's not Ancestry? Did you do it? What did you find out, Kit? I got to see, like, the ledgers and, you know, your grandparents are actually signing. No way, you're related to Heath Ledger? Holy shit, how about that? Everybody died.

Oh, no. What else did you find out, my love? Well, I looked up George Clooney. You looked up George Clooney, so you're related to a Heath Ledger. I can't see how he got here through, you know, the ivory. It was kind of fun, yeah. It was kind of fun. Maybe if my show was longer, we could talk about it tomorrow.

I'm open for real quick. Maybe if you could not use cheese sticks or any more show. What a treat. I went on this Ancestry.com, and it's scary, right? Because you don't know how deep it's going to go. Maybe if you could not text my material. I see you texting. Either you're a fucking lighthouse or you're glowing.

She doesn't even realize it. I go on Ancestrian. dot com and it's scary right my love because it goes deep you don't know how deep it's gonna ma'am if you could not take pictures now you're not supposed to take picture is uh is this retard's first trick of the circle uh but it goes deep ma'am isn't that right it goes deep like a deep delicious chocolate cake um so you can not drink in the middle of my love but here's a what I found out Gargoyle Sally. I have no whispering I can hear you. Your whispers sound like a silent fart, by the way.

Come on, her whispering in my ear. Hey, Johnny. But here's the thing, guys in the sound with him you could not talk. I went on, man, we're still talking about antichrist.com or whatever it is. Oh, what was it, heritage.com? Ancestry.com. I go on Ancestry.com, and it freaked me out. I got in there, and first thing I found out, I had no idea. I was totally shocked. Turns out my grandmother is my dad. Unbelievable. And I found out, did you find out, like, did you get the DNA test so you find out what side of what your heritage is, ma'am? No, you didn't find out like, yeah, your mother's from Scotland and your father's from, like, Germany, that type of thing?

Everybody came from Scotland. And, ma'am, is it just me or are you Asian? Did your fucking computer crash at the exact same time over the rest of the game? because you're fucking Asian, man. I don't think there's a fucking Scottish Asian in the world that I know. Here comes Link Team Octavish over here. Yeah, I got in there, unbelievable. I got, and it turns out on my father's side,

I don't know what was going on, but it turns out on my father's side, I'm a golden retriever. And on my mother's side, chocolate chip, unbelievable. What a combo that turned out to be. I'll let that one go for a little longer. I'll make up for when you didn't clap at the beginning. But it turns out if you could put the goddamn cheese sticks down for the ninth time, it looks like you're in a leopard colony eating someone's feet.

But turns out I come from my head. Turns out I come from, this is unbelievable, man. I don't know, it turns out I come from a long, long line of assholes. Unbelievable. We didn't even have a family tree. It was a cactus, and it was covered with pricks, you know. Unbelievable, believable. Oh, this is fun.

What a treat, what a treat. Are you into the elections guy over here? Who's following the elections? Fuck them all, sir. them all sir you like you like the fuck in all of them just a big gang bang with a fucking Bernie Saunders on top Hillary's cancels up around your neck wow wow amazing that shouldn't be she didn't shouldn't Hillary be with her kangles making dinosaur footprints and rock somewhere shouldn't be up in

Napa Valley stomping grapes Hillary's cancule ruse or something What's fucking canals look like? I want to cut them off and put my umbrellas in them, man. A giant, biggest can't even if you can laugh with the other. Isn't it crazy, the election? The two frontrunners, it's like Hannah Barbera's running. But election, they're like cartoon characters, right? It's like, first of all, you've got a buddy.

Sanders, who it looks like somebody came into his house, installed seven or eight ceiling fans in his room, turned them on full blast, and he did not know how to turn them off. And that is why he's got a fucking Barry Queen blizzard on his head. It's crazy. This is like a cartoon character. I don't want him to be pressed. I don't want him to be president, and doesn't this guy remind you of the weird, like, old guy that wanders around your neighborhood, there's underpants? I don't want ISIS, you know, I don't want ISIS coming over the hill. And Bernie said, hello, I am the president of the United States.

The world is made of cauliflower. My father is a lemon meringue pie. And most importantly, of all, welcome to Applebee's with his shrimp popper night, I'm happy to say. I mean, this guy's like he's like a shaggy from Scooby-Doo, this fucking guy. This picture, like, let's put a drive-thru at the White House School. Like, let's pay for everyone's college and you have a cheeseburger. Ralee.

On the other side you got Trump. Holy fucking shave Parmesan on a fat chick's pussy, right? Look at me. Slug my olive jar and underpants, right? It's like Trump is like, he's like this crazy, nutty, fucking billionaire there with the just spewing out this he's like he's like fucking uh mr magoo isn't he this guy he's like a oh my heavens to benchy sir oh i think i'll uh build a giant wall between oh the united states ah ho and mexico's there and i think i'll oh oh weave it with my golden fleece jason and the argonaut's hair

Oh, oh. Too soon, all right, fuck. Oh, God. Man, get up, don't drink. I went to IKEA the other day. Have you ever been to this fucking nut house, Ikea? Holy God.

Biggest, I think the biggest structure I've ever been in my life. This thing was huge. It was massive. It's like. It's like a Home Depot and a Walmart got drunk one night, went out and fucked and had a chubby Swedish tear, right? It's like I get in this place. Instantly there's like arrows and hallways and octagon.

I feel like I'm in an indoor corn maze, right? I'm just waiting to see fucking Swedish staircrows standing everywhere. I get 10 feet in, there's like posters for Swedish meatballs all over that place. I came here to buy furniture. What do I want meatballs for, right? So I get in there, and about ten minutes, too, I get sucked in. I'm thinking ten minutes in, I'm like, am I Swedish? Because I'm starting to read things.

I've never read my life, like words with the two little dots over the O, right? And I'm like, I'm like, attended, do you have any more of these schorgneuforgens? How would this nerg de glogne in look for my living room? Did I get, do you have any more nirg de gorg? Glocking, wait till my friends come over and see my clark to giggling. Right, so I'm wandering around and I get sucked in, I start buying shit I don't even eat. I bought bunk vans, I live alone.

What's it what? And then you get home, right? You get home and it's like it's a whole new IKEA adventure. When you get home, you open the box, there's like wood and plastic and fiberglass. I think there was a dildo in there. Suddenly I'm like Spider-Man, I'm like trying to put everything together, I'm holding it up, and they don't even give you tools. Instead of giving you tools, they give you a little piece of metal that's bent like that,

like that fucking freak bald kid from powder got in there and fucking bent a fork or something. They call it an Allen wrench, right? So I'm like cranking this thing like I'm starting an old model T-4 in my driveway, put this goddamn thing that I'm like, hey, IKEA, you know what tools, work because they have handles on them, you Swedish fucking otters, you know. So finally I get my nerd dick hard, then I'll figure it out. Real, unreal bullshit, gag. That's total steaming bullshit with the giant fucking chipmuff nipples on a...

What else we got going on? What else we got going on? How are these guys going? How are you guys going? Look at it's the Thompson twins for fuck's sakes. How are you, gang? Good to see you. What's your name, Guy? What is it? Jean-Pierre. Jean-Pierre. Ah, it's fine. French?

Do you. Well, you could have answered in French. I says I do, like suddenly I'm a gay merit, huh? Where are you from, Jean-Pierre? Jean-Pierre. Do you French? Yes, yes. All right.

The bathrooms are that way. Where are you from, my friend? I'm from Haiti. From Haiti. Holy shit, so where no one speaks much at all. It's from a tropical island. Suddenly, fucking French. Where'd you go on Ancestry.com

Is you there trying to live? Look at her. You guys are just like a fucking fruit smoothie. You're from Haiti? What the hell? Hades and that were all the fucking the earthquakes and everything. That was sad, wasn't it? Were you there for that, John Claw?

John Claw, Van Dam. Were you there, funny, in Haiti, and the trembling and the, you know, the fucking, everything fell to shit? I went three weeks after. three weeks after. Nice. Smart play. Smart play. Was anyone hurt? I mean, this is sensitive stuff. Suddenly we're not in the comedy zone anymore, but you're still laughing. Was anyone in your family hurt, John Klopp?

No. No. No. Why not? I didn't mean it like that. He deserved to be hurt. Girl who was texting earlier and deserves to be, right? What the fuck is she, by the way? Did you blow up? Did she taxed so much she blew up? Anyway, so your family was crushed. Oh, Zon Klovanda, say, oh, Jean-Pierle, it's my show, I would make you another. Do you ever been with a Frenchman in my life? Have you ever been with a fake French crime,

a tropical island in the middle of the ice? Bonjour, boole and boo-de-boo-bo-a-mex-ma. I am from Hawaii. I love you, buddy. I just want to floss that gap in your table. I want to floss you up like Teddy Rex been sucking on a gap. ranch style pringles that's what i know that's my son get on my hand john floyd he's a plant

i've put on me that's my child right now i love him i'll see you later tonight we're going to play frisbee in the park with holly's garden waitress costumes folks you've been great happy new year god bless you thank you okay there it is there it is i go up as corn on the cob larry because i don't like going up on my real name when I do these gigs. John Lee lives and gentlemen from Fresno. Get him out. Keep that energy going. Yeah.

Next guy coming in, he's got an introduction. Give it up for Rob White. Guys, Ron White. Oh yeah, and then right after I go off. Median Ron White was hilarious. They did. Very much. Ron White, you can hear their cover, but I don't mind because it's, let me turn the audio off here.

Ron White blows my cover right at the end there, but I don't mind because I've already done my thing. But when I go up on stage and just work out this new material, I don't like the pressure and the stigma of all my credits and things I've done. I always feel that the purest way to do comedy is just to be a human being in front of other human being. So I like to go up completely, you know, carrying no psychological baggage. So I go up under completely made up names and locations. And I just, I feel like it gives me a pure, clean slate to work from. And instead of watching Harlan Williams, you're watching Corn Cobb Charlie from Fresno, No. And if he bombs, who cares, right? If Harland Williams bombs, it's like, oh, God, but if

Corn Cobb Charlie bombs, who gives a crap? So that's just a little psychological trick I do for myself. So I go up and it really helps my process for working on new material because I kind of lets me go up fearless when I kind of get it in my head that I'm just a no-name human being, just someone ambiguous, um, it helps me just, you know, loosen up and not feel like I'm under pressure because people in the crowd know who I am and expect something. Uh, this way, it's very freeing and it's like, hey, it's corn, Cobb Charlie or sometimes I go up as light bulb larry or Donnie, you know, coconut or Billy the lemon meringue pie boy or something you know every every night i make up a different name just before i go on stage and the

emcs are always like really you want me to say that and i go yeah and they go no really i go yeah what you want me to say a screwdriver face johnny yeah i do and and it's just so funny to see them react but but i love it it's it's it's kind of uh it's kind of a method i use it frees me up to right and as you can hear just be loose and roll with it and not, I don't have to worry so much about, you know, hearing the laughs. It's more about putting words out there and letting me hear them and keeping track of what clicks and what resonates and what takes shape and what I can keep and what I don't keep.

And so there you go. So I hope you guys like that. I will post some more of this stuff when I get up there next time. the way, I just want to mention the thing that's really fun about the, uh, the Melrose improv, it's right in the middle of Hollywood. And so, you know, the best of the best comedians are there. Like, as you heard, like right after me, Ron White walked up, who's a huge star on Comedy Century. He's a buddy of mine. We've toured together. You know, you could have Dane Cook or Chris Rock or Seinfeld, you know, you just don't know who's going to be in the lineup. So it's a

real honor to work there, to work with the other really funny people. And also, you don't know who's going to be in the audience a couple of weeks ago i did it i walked off stage and like sitting right in front of me was kira sedgwick and her husband kevin bacon and i walked right off stage and you know did a fist bump with them i was like oh hey god they were Kevin's like hey you're really funny man and kira was like oh you're great and so it's just it's such a fun environment to uh to do stand up so i promise to bring you more this is all part of being a premium member. I hope you guys enjoy it.

Thank you for being premium members once again. It really means a lot to me. I really appreciate your support. And please try to encourage your friends to become premium members for only $20 a year. You know, just to come in and see this show was probably $20. And you guys just got it for free. So, or not free, but you got it for your $20 and you're going to get much, much more. So thanks, thanks, guys.

That's it for now. This is Corn Cobb Charlie, signing off.