The Harland Highway - PREMIUM MEMBERS - Harland's latest CROWD CONTROL album

Episode Date: November 25, 2016

ALL crowd work with Harland at comedy clubs. Special segment from his hilarious album CROWD CONTROL Volume 3. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hey there, premium members. Got a special treat for you here today. I'm going to play you the first part of my stand-up comedy CD called Crowd Control 3. It's actually the third installment of a series, and basically it's me. going at it, toe to toe with people in the audience. So this is a digital download that I charge on iTunes or on my website. But for you guys, the premium members, and thank you, by the way, for being premium members. Thank you so very much.

It means so much to me. This is a freebie for you guys that no one else gets. The regular listeners don't get. Nobody gets. It's all for you guys. So I'm going to play the first part of it for you here today and then we'll let you hear the second part of it probably next week.

So I hope you enjoy it. Here it is. Crowd Control 3, my premium members. Hi, this is Harlan Williams. And what you're about to hear is all real. This was all recorded live. in comedy clubs across North America. Just me and the audience having some laughs in real time in the moment.

So sit back and get ready to laugh. This is Crowd Control, Volume 3. Welcome to the show. How are you tonight, little buddy? You okay? Good to see you eating some nice chewy, crunchy chips right up front. What a treat, huh, little fella? Chewy, crunchy chips.

I get to listen to that shit for half an hour. How are you there? Kenny Rogers? What's going on, buddy? Good to see you. We've got no one to hold up, don't you, sir? How are you, partner? What's your name, sir? Ron, what a treat. What do you do, my friend? You're a marshal, are you?

At a golf course. At a golf course. Oh, never have to fucking shoot anybody? Put down the nine iron in the name of the law. I'm the marshal. How are you doing, Daddy, all right? Good to see you. What's your name, sir?

Sir is your name? I fucking guessed that one, didn't I? Like a genius up here, aren't I? And who are you, my friend? Little Bobby, who? Little Bobby Hanser. Were you a character in a children's book? One day, little Bobby Hanser was playing on the golf course.

The pissed off sheriff didn't like that very much. Goodbye, little Bobby Hanser. What's that, sir? You're Michael Jackson, are you, sir? Well, you better get over to the choir school. You look about as much as you're Michael Jackson. I'm like a Korean wrestler. What's that?

Your technique? Your hecklin's not working, is it, sir? I'm not heckling. I'm just trying to talk to you, Big Papa. Listen slowly. All right, sir. Go ahead. You're not saying anything.

Touching. Tochay. You see how hard this shit is, sir? That's why you're down there and I'm up here. All right. It's been to Starbucks today. Anybody? Huh? Starbucks? God. What the hell? Yeah. Which one did you go to, partner? Right down the road. What's that? The one right down the road. Yeah. You can say that anywhere in the country to be accurate. How are you, buddy? You'd get up and fucking wave, did you?

Did you think you're on the fucking horizon line or something, sir? It's like, Goodbye! What are you doing there, Gonsa? Oh, you're waving at someone down the hall. All right, Batman, good for you. you can see through the dark in the middle there you go sir all people want their pets to be smart do you have a pet sir what do you got friend a dog what kind my friend a boxer what's

his name her that's his name you're fucking them up aren't you sir good boy her Does your dog do tricks? No. When I say tricks, I mean tricks. Now that we know it's a transvestite, they put it out on the corner in a fucking neon miniskirt. Do some tricks, boy. I mean, girl.

Come on, there's too many animals. What's your favorite animal, sir? Dog, why, friend? just because you like them. What's your favorite dog, little fellow? A dotion, huh? You can't even say it. Docton?

You like those damnations, too? Those collies are really nice, aren't they? How about a blast plow? Do you ever see one of those? What a fucking golden bebeliever? You ever seen one of them Chilawal? I'm sending you to dog pronunciation school. God, animals, animals, everywhere, animals.

Do you like animals, M? You don't like animals? Why not, partner? Huh? What's that, sir? You're looking for a partner, are you, sir? You think you're on a fucking square dance tonight, did you, sir? Partner, over here! Where's the word partner?

Bring you back... ...a... ...a... ...a... ...a... ...a... ...partner! Now you're at a gay bar, are you, sir?

...partner! You all right, sir, a little disoriented tonight? Are you painting a room all day or something? You're fucking fumed out on Dutch boy? How are you, buddy? Good to see you on Pimento night here. Look at you're all red, what's going on? How are you, dude? What's your name, partner?

There you go, buddy. Everyone loves that joke, don't they, sir? Just keep doing it, and you're really winning the crowd over with that one. Like a fucking robot with a bad battery. Partner! Partner! What's your name, buddy, since you want to talk? What do you do, do, partner?

Brendan, what do you do, buddy? I'm a pilot. You're a pilot. God, you're a pilot. That's scary work, man, huh? Do you ever have an incident where it was a little, you know, thought you might run into trouble? What happened, partner? Can you tell us what happened? Is it classified,

or can you let us in on the incident, sir? It is classified, so you fly for the military? What airline do you fly for? The CIA? The CIA, dude. oh wow lucky you told us all now we know real good fucking spy you are sir sorry I can't talk to you gentlemen I have secret information sir you will sit down on the toilet

on the toilet over there yeah the toilet ain't up here Some of my jokes are shit, but don't rub it in. Are you going to be all right? Do you need a little partner? Finally, I'm getting it back. Now back to you, my little red friend. What's going on, buddy? Fuck, you get a friend with a yellow and a green shirt.

You can be a fucking stoplight. What's your name, little buddy? Come on, the show's up here. Look at me. Look at me. You can't fly anymore, huh? You can't fly without fearing for your life, huh? Holy God, do you fly at all there, Billy Blast off, huh?

Where do you like to fly, son? All right, I'll take that as Detroit. Two tickets for... Buh, ha, yeah, bhr... I want to get the filtered kind, sir. What fuck was that? Come on, let's try it again, right? Get the fucking mucus out.

Where do you fly, little buddy? I fly in Dallas a lot. There you go. What do you do up there, son? I'm an attorney, so I go and repose folks in Dallas. All right, no more questions over there. Oh, God. Do you fly at all, buddy? Not much, but sometimes it sounds like.

Where do you fly, friend? Indianapolis. Sure, what goes on up there, friend? Business. What line of business? are you in, young fella? You're a programmer, are you? You can't just run your TV out of your home? Are you scared to fly, buddy? I bet you fly, huh?

Holy God, I bet you're up there flying around in your crazy colored shirts. Oh, God, what are you gonna do if you walk out tonight? There's a fucking bull loose in the street. You're gonna be the first asshole he takes care of. Look at ya! You're a walking fucking Ole, aren't you? It's all about looking sexy, friends.

Went on a date with a girl a few months ago. Grew her fingernails four inches long. Four inches long. What's that, sir? Why? Okay, let's get to the punchline. Get to the punch, Lord. Somehow you thought it ended right there, did you, sir?

First time at a comedy club, are you, sir? He's setting up a joke, but just in case he doesn't have anything for it, I better yell out why. Are you retarded, son? When you order food at a restaurant, sir, do you eventually eat it? What's your name back there, partner? You seem like a nice guy. I'm just having a fun time. Who are you, sir?

Wayne, good to have you. What do you do? Wayne? I'm a can maker. A can maker, so. So a plastic surgeon? What's with the saline solution in boobs, huh? Girls get the fake boobs to impress guys.

If they really wanted to turn us on, they should get them filled with beer. What do you mean you're a can maker, Wayne? I'm not sure what you're talking about, buddy. You make the cans that make beer. You make the cans that make the beer. the beer. So that's how they make beer. Those fucking cans are putting it in themselves and then sealing it. Wow. Isn't it? Good? I asked why. Anybody have a tattoo? You got a tattoo fly boy? Do you have a tattoo, buddy, how the scales of justice

on your balls. You get cold, one of them goes up. So what kind of car do you drive, buddy, huh? Pilots always have like Porsches or Lamborghinis. What do you got, Wildcat? What is it, sir? If you told me, you'd have to kill me so you're driving a hearse? How about that one, Your Honor, huh? A lot of restaurants here in Houston. Where do you like to eat, partner? C and H, alright. You're not gonna fucking spell it out for us?

Gonna hog the fucking place to yourself? I'll only tell them so much. I hate it when there's lines. C and H. Figure it out. asshole who's got a dog what do you got man what do you got there sunshine oh what kind of dog huh you don't have a dog you're just clapping to practice not someone have a dog back there you got golden retriever what does it retrieve

Little bags of green stuff, sir. He's trained, is he? It's a drug dog, apparently. It's a good dog you've got there, sir. Fuck the frisbee, go get me some weed. I like your dog. A golden retriever. How are you tonight, ma'am?

You all right there? Damn, right there? Goodness, you look lovely. What's your name, ma'am? What is it? Kiki, ma'am. We've got a little accent. Where are you from, Kiki? Poland. What a treat.

What brings you out here, man? Adventure. Yeah, the big giant rock should roll out any second. Watch out for the fucking blow darts at table four. What an adventurous car. comedy show. I like your name Kiki. That's cool, man. What's your last name?

Like, Floygenshagen or something like that? Fuck, you're not just a name, you're an after shave. Pshay. Psh, psh, kiki. Psh, floyganh. Floggen. Is this your handsome boyfriend here? boyfriend here, Kiki.

Good, what's your name, sir? Tim, what do you do, brother? Real estate, just like you. Who was the other guy? Wasn't there someone else that did real estate? That was last week. You've been fucking following me, sir? How are you, brother, you all right?

Good to see you. what's your name friend Eric what do you do son a news anchor isn't that fun so somebody throws you off the ship and you write about it you'll fly partner when you're not flopping around at the bottom of the sea looking for a scoop Where do you fly, news anchor? Guess it's hard to get off the ground when you're a fucking anchor, isn't it? Attention, passengers, we can't seem to gain any altitude. Is there a fucking anchor on board?

Where'd you go to school, partner? at the art institute you're an artist are you sir graphic design and what types of things do you like to draw friend uh well i have a t-shirt company and you draw things on the t-shirts what do you draw uh it's kind of a dirty raunchy stuff dirty raunchy stuff like what can you give me an example buddy uh there's one called dirty boy works a guy I'm going to come on a girl's head. And how many years in school have you spent on that soon? Because we all fucking learn that for free.

ever do that, buddy bloke come all over a girl's head. Have you done that yet, son? Just blue cum all over her head. Don't fucking hide your face for me. Have you blown come all over a girl's head, little partner? You know what come is, little partner. That funny white stuff that looks like liquid paper. There we go, ma'am, sit right in.

There we go, ma'am. What's that back there, sir? What'd you yell, friend? I said she can't wash it out. She can't wash it out, sir. Got some kind of asbestos come New York? I've been chewing tar paper of you, sir. That's that special stuff.

Thanks that special stuff. Thanks for coming in from the woods for the show, sir. Thank you.