The Harland Highway - PREMIUM MEMBERS ONLY - Harland does STAND UP, Virginia Beach

Episode Date: April 18, 2017

PREMIUM MEMBERS ONLY - Harland does STAND UP, Virginia Beach Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, premium members, how are you with you today, or tonight, or whatever time of day it is. Maybe it's sunrise, maybe it's sunset, I don't know. Whatever time it is, it's always the right time for some stand-up comedy and some laughs. So, first of all, thank you so much for being premium members. enjoying your premium membership with access to every episode I've ever done of the Harland Highway plus bonus material like this yay today I'm coming at you from Virginia Beach at a comedy club called the Funny Bone great club down there and this is a recent show where I was working on some some new material we got into

talking about all kinds of stuff Tinder dating clitorial Tauruses, just some crazy stuff. It does get a little bit edgy, a little bit blue in some areas, but nothing too raunchy. It's just kind of some organic stuff that came out of a conversation with some of the people in the audience. And oh, yes, there's plenty of interaction, spontaneous improvisation during this set with the audience. So I hope you have fun. Enjoy it, and thank you again for listening to the Harland Highway, and thank you again so much for supporting the show and being a premium member.

Here we go, Harlan Williams live at the Virginia Beach Funny Bone. God, I'm feeling I drew my back out. I wrecked my back. Anyone ever wrecked their back? Oh, God, the worst feeling in the world. God, it's my own fault. I am an obsessive-compulsive. Loddy Lowe's in the crowd, obsessive, right?

What do you obsess about? Everything. What about you, ma'am? Everything. Everything. She just did, sir. You lost that fucking round, buddy. She just said, sir.

You lost that fucking round, buddy. I mean, what's to say it out loud to a room of 300 strangers? Look at pretty much admitting to it right there. I've ruined my back. Oh my God, I'm obsessive compulsory. I'm on a leaf blower. You got a leaf blower guy? I got a damn leaf blower, and I get out the yard,

and I got to get every damn leaf. You know, I can't stop. Do you know many leaps or any yard? I can't stop until I get every damn leaf blowed. So two weeks ago, I'm in the yard. I got my leaf floor full blast. I just torquered that sucker, and I'm just blowing like there's no tomorrow,

and I fell right out of the tree. I'm surprised anyone's here. It's Walking Dead tonight. You guys aren't zombie fans? You watch The Walking Dead? Sunday night. Sunday night's the Walking Dead. I love it, man.

Such a weird show, right? You got these, like, all these, like, slow-moving, like, ugh, just these zombies walking around, and everyone's running around, stared. I'd just be like, it's funny, though, all they want to do is eat, right? All they want to, the zombies, all they want to do is eat. They're a pretty good shape for fucking things

that want to eat all the time, right? eat all the time, aren't they? None of them weigh more than like 98 pounds. They look pretty damn good to me. Fuck. If I was a zombie, first I'd go to Jenny Craig's house right away. Just find that fucker and eat her. Fuck to you and your commercials, Craig. Give me that fucking muffin talk. I'll eat your goddamn belly bloat. You. son of a bit! Oh, God, anyone doing the Tinder?

Anyone doing the Tinder dating? The Bumble? Anyone doing the kettle of fish? Anybody doing the... What is it? Smelf like fish? What's the other one? What's the other one?

Cracker barrel? What's it called? Plenty of fish. Are you on that, man? Somehow he fucking knew it just like that. It smells like fish, he's like, no, plenty of thick. Smells like plenty of thick. It's weird.

I can't believe nobody's fucking on it. So there you go, thank you. Yeah, I'm on it too, but... You're on it too, there you go, thank you. It kind of used to be taboo, right? It was kind of like you felt kind of weird if you're on it. But how it's becoming normal.

It's like, I mean, kinds of people that met their partners on the old, you know, Tinder. Anyone in here? Me on the... You did? Yeah, there you go. Which one guy? Which one did you use? Tinder. There you go. What's that, man? Match.com. Match.com. So harsed us. I went on it, man. It's weird because you go on it now. I went on it man. It's weird because you go on it now. and girls, I don't know what it's like on the guy pages, but the

girl pages, it's like all these girls now are using filters. Right? Instead of just a pitch or them, they got a fucking dog face. They're tongueed out. They're like, they got flowers in their hair. Their fucking eyes are lit up like

they're fucking snort and crack all night off of Rose of Donald's ass cheek, you know? You got flowers in their hair. Who the fuck is this? I went out, I met a girl. I was like, fuck, I like you better as the dog. But I got off that shit. I was doing it right, swipes right,

and then one day it's like, holy fuck, it's my sister. My sister. And then I went from like wanting to date girls to feeling bad. I felt guilty because I'm reading about my sister who lives 5.7 miles away. And I started reading her profile,

and I was like, you know, she looked. I'm reading the profan. I'm like, you know, I love seafood. I love, I love going to the theater. I love listening to Kenny G. I thought this was a kicker. I love to make love in the back of a Volkswagen band. I was like, and I just felt guilty. I was like, fuck, I lived with my sister my whole life and I didn't know this shit about it. So I was like, rock and fuck dating, I'm going to put in some time and just go hang out with my sister. So I called her up. We went out for a nice dinner. I'll a red lobster and uh went to see phantom of the opera and when we're driving home i put on some kedy i said what have you been up to and she said to me she goes when did you get a Volkswagen man Hey, what? Too soon.

Elk-Clit combo! Thou shat say clint on the Lord's Day. The place just went quiet like nobody in here has a clip, right? Fucking clit's a weird one, huh? I wish flits came in flavors, though, huh? We're all the same. We're gonna get a good sourdough clip, right? What about my health nut? I want a gluten-free clip. Let's go.

Work with me. Such a funny little, funny little nubblet, isn't it? Just a little fucking nub, looks like a snapping turtle's tongue, doesn't it? It just lures you in like a fucking little piece of fish pig. Come on. You're in here and lick me, asshole. Come on a nib about me. Conalding it's me, you bastard.

A little mini-cock, huh? Think about that tonight. guy, just get that I got a little mini cop between your two front of things. It's like one of those little sausages when you go to a party at the whole d'urve clits. Another clip for you, son. Would you like to dip the clink in ranch, son? I think I just called it a clip, did you know that?

It is weird. Did everyone kind of get kind of clink? kind of flinch up when I said flet? It's silly, weird. It's just like it's such a... I think it's... I think it's the word. Like if they called it like something,

you'd find it, Ikea, like a... Fla d'nurble. I think, yeah, what the fuck, yeah. Talk some more about clent. It's like cunt's little sister. Sorry, man. But see, I can stand up here and go vagina. I'd never be like, oh, I'll have a vagina.

When you drop the C word, bro? Oh, people get real testy. Speaking of which, man, I took a bath the other day. Do you take baths, bro, or do you shower? You're a shower guy or you baths? Shower, right? Right? You don't even have to ask you. You're a shower, dude.

You look like a cool dude. It's not cool, dude. It's not cool, right, bro? It's not cool. Taking a bath, ain't handling, right? It's relaxing, though. So you do take back? Every now and then.

Anything else you want to tell us? This guy thought he was going to a comedy show. He's come to a come-out party. Look at this fucking guy. He thought he had the cool fucking hunting hat on, the fucking surfer glasses. This guy's a fag. But see, that's my point. It's weird to admit it, right?

It's weird to admit, guys, and you don't want to admit you to take that because it ain't macho, right? It ain't, it ain't tough. You get it soaked for like 45 minutes, let's say, go up and do a drive-by, right? You can eat while in the bath, though. You can eat while you're in the bathtub. You can eat in the bathtub. What the fuck are you eating in the bathtub, right?

A cheeseburger in the bathtub. You can also shit when you're on the toilet, too. What's this fucking gay guy? Who the fuck, anyone here put up your head if you eat in the bathtub? Three of you, why don't you go rent the room and have a bubble party? I'm like, disgusting. That's why I love to talk to the crowd. You never know what the fuck you're going to do.

I was in Indiana a few months ago. I asked some guy that were in the car. What do you do for living, bro? He goes, I work in a blast furnace. I'm like, okay, first of all, how are you even fucking alive? And second, I'm like, that's the only guy that he ends up going to hell. He'd be like, yeah, so? But I've been a chick the other week

She said to her, he said, what do you do, ma'am? She goes up to stay-at-home mom. And I said, well, you're not very good at it. I fucking see you. Other guys said to me, what do you? He says, I'm in retail. And I said, oh, isn't that nice? Helping animals that have been in lawn borer accidents.

All right, so some guys take baths and eat in the bath. Never eating the shower? No, beers in the shower. Are you a fucking mermaid or something? Yeah, fucking the swimming pool. A canoe of the fucking sewer line. The ladies, is the reason I brought it up, because I thought you'd want to know. I know you're always wondering, and the answer's yes, yes, the penis floats.

The penis floats, it floats right to the top of the water, just floating there, the little hole in the tip, gasping for air. Just like a little coy fish looking for fish food. Sending oxygen to the ball sack. If you throw fish food in a man's bath, the penis will eat every last pellet. Hungry little fellers. Nirkin and the lily pad. Great crowd.

Great crowd. How are you, ma'am? You good? I'm hanging in here. You look great. What's your name, love? Harmony. Harmony, that's a beautiful name. Wow, I love that name. Thank you. Flows, it's nice, musical. What do you do, Harmony? I'm a cashier. Cashier, there you go. Well, the cashier, the cash machine has kind of music to it.

Right? Chik-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch. Right? But the people's mouths really pissed me off. The people's mouths pissed you off. Well, it sucks when people talk. She's at the front row of a fucking talking show right now. She's sitting there the whole time. I can't wait until he shuts the fuck off. Which story do you work at? Which one? Food line? Food line?

Holy shit. You sell food. Technically. Do you have, like, frozen food? All kinds of things. All kinds. All kinds. Do you have bathtub food?

This fucking eye likes to eat in the bath. And if you stick them under water, you can't hear them talk. How are you guys doing good with you? Are you doing good? What's your name, sir? AJ. That's nice. Can you spell the rest of it for us? What do you work?

IHop. What do you do, AJ? Welder for the shipyard. Welled for the shipyard. There's someone who's not an orgasm. Have you been welded, ma'am? She pees out her ass now. now.

Good for you. Did you go underwater to do? You one of those underwater welders? A hole patch welder. A hole patch welder. Yeah, I figured there were some holes in the hole. Well, that ship looks perfectly sound. I better light up and fucking torture.

There's always got to be a hole, right? Yeah. That's why we have welders. If there were no holes, you wouldn't have a job. don't have a job. Seed enough to throw in the whole park. I work at a gas station because there's cars out there. I fly an airplane due to the oxygen in the air.

Okay, I wouldn't want too many. How are you? Maybe good. Good to see your name, man. Amy, I love it. Beautiful. What do you do, love? Teacher, there you go. Wonderful. On to your slower students?

Are you a teacher, too? You know we're not teaching communication. You might want to shop at her fucking star. Then you were waving your arms and everything. teacher? No, I'm asking you ask her what she does. Oh, you want me to ask her what she does, so now it's your fucking job. All right, Scorsesey, let's do there.

What do you do there, ma'am, and she's pointing to? I'm a special education teacher. Makes sense, so. You've got a lot of work ahead of you. You're going to retire on that one. Yes, you can retire on that one. You've got some mental problems. Well, there you go, gang.

There's some fun stand-up comedy, a bunch of new material I've been working on, and I hope you enjoyed that. You know, there's some more to this show, and I'm going to play it in another segment. So I'll come back to this, you know, And in a few more days or another week or so, and we'll play you the back end of this stand-up set

because it was a long one. And I don't want to overstay my welcome with it. So we'll hook into some more of this particular show down in Virginia Beach. And I hope you enjoyed it. And thank you again so much for being premium members. This is special material just for you guys. no one else gets to hear it but you so uh along with your uh your complete library of the harlem highway this is content that uh i just give to you guys so thanks again hope you had some laughs and until

next time chicken chow maine baby I'm going to be. I'm going to be. Thank you.