The Harland Highway - PREMIUM MEMBERS ONLY - Harland's Olympic Games STAND UP MATERIAL

Episode Date: February 26, 2018

Harland rolls out some fresh Olympic Games stand up material at the World Famous COMEDY STORE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello, premium members. How are you, man? First of all, as always, thank you so much for being a premium member. I hope you're enjoying it. I hope you enjoy the vast library of episodes we have. And I hope you enjoy these occasional bonus bits that I do for you, just the premium members. I realized I was doing a show in Hollywood at the world-famous conference. store on the sunset trip and I was in the green room waiting to go on and I was thinking man I want to I want to work on something new I want to I want to crack out some new material and I realized the winter Olympics had been going on and I hadn't really talked about them at all or I hadn't done any material about them so I literally about five minutes before I went up just kind of came up with this material in my head wasn't sure how it was going to work and And the way I like to do new material is, you know, I just like to do it right out of the gate because then I know that it's standalone funny or it's not.

A lot of comedians, and I've even done this, you'll do like your tried and true material, you'll get the crowd on your side, you'll get them going, and then you're like, okay, they love me, they're with me, I've got their energy, let me try some new stuff in the middle. And even though new stuff is never easy, that's the safe way to do it. So I always take the opposite approach. I'm like, let me be this stuff. Let this be the first thing out of my mouth. And then if they laugh, if they're with it, then I know it's got legs.

And if it just stinks, if they don't laugh, then I know I kind of stepped on a landmine. So here it is. It's not long. It's just a few minutes of material I did. on the Winter Olympics and then maybe what I'll do is pick out some of the highlights from the rest of my show. I had a few fun interactions with the audience members.

I'll add that on as a bonus. So I hope you enjoy it, premium members. A little fresh stand-up comedy. And once again, thank you for joining up for premium membership. And without further ado, let's get our laugh on at the Comedy Store. Have you been watching the Winter Olympics wild thing, huh? Well, have you been watching the Winter Olympics? What the hell's going on with the bobsled deal, huh?

Should that really be a sport game, huh? You've seen the bobsled? Doesn't it just look like, you know, someone showed up off-season at the fucking log ride? Some gay guys in their fucking Unitar and they showed up. Well, they're closed. Let's go on the fucking log ride, hey? And how do you win the goddamn, you know, the bobsled thing? They're on a track.

It's not like they can go off and, you know, it's not like, holy shit, the Swedes went five minutes faster than the Americans. It's like it's incremental. It's like one-third of a milliliter of a second. It's like, what the hell is that all about? Yeah, one by a, uh, you know, uh, fucking else pubic hair. How about that? And, you know, the whole gist of it, right?

Wild thing is just, you see how fast you can slide down the hill. Well, it's just the hills doing all the work, huh? I think these guys just want to snuggle like, huh? Head up, broke back mountain in a sleeping bag. You get the same effect, you know? And it seems like the big thing weighing them down is the bob slid. I mean, have you seen that giant metal contraption? That's where all your weight is, fellas.

Why not just get naked, cover yourselves in mayonnaise and just run them slide down together? You want some momentum, just start humping. You know, they put the curlers with their muck and they sweep, sweet, hug, hug. Great crowd. We've got people from out of town here tonight. Where are you, gang? How are you going to visit? Where are you from, ma'am? Las Vegas. Here we go. What do you do down in Vegas town? I'm in nursing school. You're in nursing school. Isn't that nice? So tonight somebody's dying in the street.

Anyone else from out of town? Over there, you junk up. You're all fired. You're all juiced. What's up, player? Where are you from? New Hampshire. New cancer? What did you say, ma'am? New Hampshire. Why do you jump up? Are you a fucking prairie dog or something?

What do you do up in New Hampshire, my love? Teacher. Here we go. What do you teach? This is good. I've got you go to school, bro. What do you teach, my love? Could you jump up?

I can't hear you. What do you teach? teaching? Reading. That's not reading. That's miming, ma'am, all right? You'll teach the slow children, do you? I bet she never won hide-in-secrette she was a kid, huh? I'm not over here. I'm glad you're a teacher. You've got to know things, right? Knowledge is power, right? Huh? What do you teach? Teach the kids, my love.

What do I teach? Yeah, what do you teach him, man? Breathing. Oh yeah, I forgot. I got hypnotized. I got hypnotized for your fucking movements. I just fucking zoned up. Dude, I love the hair, bro. Can I brush my teeth with your head later?

Got it? What's fucking awesome, bro? What's your name, got you? Oh. What's your name, bro? Jared. Jared. Like the subway guy.

Like the subway guy. But what? Not as creepy? Not as creepy? Well, I think the hair ruined that. How about ten times is fucking creepy? How about that? I've got the feeling he's got a submarine sandwich bun on his cock right now.

Hi, kids! I'm a teacher! How are you, guy? You good? What's your name, bro? Curtis, I like. He seemed like a nice guy. You're nice guy? Yeah, cool. Like, for example, like, let's say, what's your pin number, maybe? Ten number, maybe. What do you do, bro?

A pharmacist. A pharmacist. Holy shit. There's a lot of that going around right now, right now. You do the pop the opioids, bro? You've ever done the opioids? You ever put your hand in a bun and fucking walk around the house and bat you making or tramped up on Stevie Nix ask you?

You ever go fishing for catfish, catch a catfish, and rubbing's fucking back fin all over your fucking forehead till it bleeds? You will, you will. I love teachers, man. Knowledge is power, right? Teach? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh, that's right. Knollidge is power. How are you, man?

Never wake up at three in the morning and grind a seven-layer lasagna right into your grandmother's fucking face? You will, you will. Come on the fuck down. We've got a load of Sarah flat jacks at table 12 over here, okay? Great friend, look at this guy, chewing gum. How are you, guy? I see you chewing gum, yeah. Who chews gummy? What is it?

It's hot, salty nuts. It's hot, salty nuts. You might want to stick with gum, fag. Looks for dessert A giant, vainy purple cock? It's hot, salty, delicious knots. I don't chew gum anymore. Sir, you're tall, bro.

Look at you. How tall are you, Clark Kent, Jr? How tall, right? I can tell just by the way you're sitting. How tall are you, guy? Six-three. Oh, holy shit. 63 feet tall.

What do you do, Brocephi Osh, Oce, Oceo-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-s. I could just say, bro, but that's fucking old school, right? Certainly you could take your arm off your girlfriend. I'm going to shove. What do you do, big guy? I'll make a guess you watch her. I'm punching trees, right? What do you do, bro?

A lumber company. Holy shit. You work for a lumber company. Check it out, bro. I don't know. you all, Brock. You're like 6'4 now, Brian. Fucking Jared'll be over in a minute, all right?

You guys relate. What happened, Brashi-O-Chi-A-Chi-Oci-E-Oci-O-Chi? What happened, guy? What were? You were late, bro. I've been up here for like 45 minutes. How can you're late? I'm just considering. Stand by. We're in standby line. You're in the standby line, but you got the best fucking seats in that line.

Uh, doorman, retarded. Fucking pays to be on welfare these days, huh? You seem like a nice guy. You're a nice guy? Yes. Yeah? Like, let's say, uh... What's your Poon number, bro?

What do you do, guy? Construction. There you go. What do you build? Salt to the earth work. He doesn't run around with the synobuns on the side of his head all day and repents. He's Princess Leia's got like a Chinese roasted football. This fucking guy, I don't know.

What do you build, bro? Did you put your hat back on? Because that fucking rig looks like Brozio Dionys' muffin, you know? Maybe if you could laugh on the others, do that would help me. What'd you build, what do you build, guy? Concrete, man. You built concrete. We live a slab for a garage.

Hold on, everyone can't hear, brushy. We made a slab for a garage for you parked a car and... Wait a minute, what goes in the garage? A slab of concrete. You said something goes in the garage and on the concrete. What was it? parking far on the... Fuck off, you do?

It's all right, bro. It's all right, bro. We'll hit Arby's later and put horsy sauce all over Jared's fucking bald back. Alas, it looks like my time. Alas, it looks like my time is a lot. Alas, it looks like my time is up, young fella. Oh, you want to see more, huh? All right, I'll do it. Look, I don't eat the mic. Can I do another quick hour?

You got some great, great comedians coming out here tonight, gang. I wish I could spend more time with you. But, hey, if you want to really put in some quality time with the kid, I'll, uh, I'll, uh, I'll be roost beefing it up at Arby's later. Have a great time. Thank you for time. All right. How are you doing, Grabber? You're up here. Oh, my buddy.

Holy shit. I thought you were a grizzly bear. Are you up? Yeah. Just see him out. All right. There it was. And right at the end there, I walked into the green room and you hear me like think a guy was a grizzly bear.

I was my buddy comedian Dane Cook was hiding behind the door. And he was wearing like a black t-shirt and a black hat and black pants. And the green room in the comedy store is all black. The walls are black. The furniture's black. Everything's black in the so-called green room. and so Dane jumped out at me and grabbed me, and he startled me, and that's why I said, man, I thought it was a grizzly bear.

So there you go, gang. I hope you enjoyed some stand-up comedy, the Olympic stuff off the top, and then just some fun goofing around with the crowd. And there it is. So I hope that brought you a few giggles, a few chuckles. And thanks again for being premium members. And until the next round of special premium content, just for you, chicken chamein, baby. You guys were late.

What happened? Rashi-A-Oci-A-Shi-A-Oci-A-O-Shi.