The Harland Highway - PREMIUM STAND UP SHOW

Episode Date: November 7, 2015

Premium Members join Harland for a live stand up performance at the world famous Comedy Store on the Sunset Strip. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hello, hello, hello, my premium members, my premium member, pavement pounders. Oh, my God. Isn't this intimate? We're alone in here in this little room. Just the premium members. All the other pavement pounders, who we love and adore, are out there looking through the cracks, trying to get in, but we're here. This is our private little

premium member lounge. Why am I angry? I should be happy and I am happy. Hey, welcome, premium members. First of all, I want to thank you all so much, you premium member pavement founders for A,

joining the premium package, supporting all the work we're doing here, the podcast, and B, just being here so that we can create premium content for you guys. It's going to be really fun. You're going to be hearing stuff that everyone else does not hear. Now, it doesn't diminish any of the stuff we do on the Harland Highway.

I always shoot for the top, 100% prime quality and everything I do. But, as you've been told, this is a great little way to help support the whole process. And so all this stuff on here is special just for you. So I thank you again from the bottom of my heart for spending your 20 bucks. I know you work hard for your money. And I'm honored and privileged that you would spend some money on this. And as a result, I'm going to try and make it as a good as experience, as good as experience as I can for you.

I mean, you paid 20 bucks and I just don't really. really knows how's to talk really and stuff, but I'll use the money's first talking's lessons and stuff. Take a deep breath. Recalibrate and start again. Okay. So, as you know, you are going to be hearing my other podcast. Let's have a fight.

I promised you guys special interviews. And on today's premium episode, if that's what you want to. call it. This is the first one. We are going to be playing some live stand-up, which is one of the other things that I promised you. When I say live, I don't mean it's happening right now, but it's a recording of me doing stand-up live, okay?

And last night, and that's the beauty of this premium stuff, because it's so fresh, so fresh. So last night, last night being Friday, November 6th, I live down here in Los Angeles, and I decided, you know what, I'm going to get out there and go do some stand-up down on the Hollywood strip, on the sunset strip in Hollywood. And so I hit up the comedy store, the famous, world-famous comedy store, right in the heart of the sunset strip. and I went up there and these are called Showcase Clubs, the one in Hollywood.

The ones in Hollywood, they're not like the clubs around the country where you go and you see a guy do an hour-long show. In Hollywood, because there's so many comedians, top-notch comedians, most of us live here. They give everyone like 20 minutes instead of letting one guy do an hour. They have like five or six top-notch comedians. do like 15 or 20 minutes each. So that's how it works, just so you know.

And so last night I was on stage, I'd say around 9.45, 10 o'clock. And the way it works at the comedy store, they don't use an MC to introduce the acts. What happens is the comic who's on stage introduces the act that's coming up next. So you'll hear in this particular recording that Mark Maren, I think a lot of you know Mark Maren who does, he has a wonderful podcast, the What the Fuck podcast? So he was on ahead of me, and you'll hear him right at the beginning here. I followed Mark Maren, and he comes in and he introduces me to the stage. and then I come out

I do my 15, 20 minutes and then I introduced the next guy who I kind of, I didn't remember when I was out there, so I had to go and check. You'll hear it at the end. It was Chris DeLea, who is on that hit NBC sitcom called Undatable.

So premium members, this is fresh, this is hot. This whole set is just really just a few hours old. and the fun thing I guess about listening to my stand-up is that I like to talk to the crowd a lot. I like to improvise a lot of my stuff and for that reason you will always hear fresh material from me

on these downloads because my show changes all the time. You never hear the same thing twice. You might hear some of the jokes you've heard before but all the stuff with the crowd is always completely fresh and unpredictable and you don't know what you're getting. So without further ado, one more thank you to you guys. I really do appreciate it.

Thank you so much for, you know, joining up to the Harland Highway Premium app, spectacular. So here we go. I hope you enjoy this. Have some laughs. This is me. And just so, you know, right at the beginning, when I walked out on stage, the guy right in the front row, right at my feet, got up and started walking. out. I guess he had to go to the bathroom.

So my opening line, you'll hear me say something, and I didn't want you to be confused. So, oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. I almost forgot because I don't want, there's another thing that might confuse you. When I go up and do these local shows in Hollywood, I usually don't go up on my real name. I'm not a credits guy. I don't like people saying, oh, here's Harlan Williams from Dumb and Dumber and half-baked and, you know, something about Mary. And I hate all that crap.

I don't even like using my real name. I just, I like going out on stage to a blank slate. So whenever I do these local shows, I don't even use my real name. I make them up and I have the MC or whoever's bringing me on stage say that I'm from a small town somewhere in America to a goofy name that's not even real. So you'll hear Mark Maren here introduce me as Johnny Walnut from Fresno, California, a little farming town in California.

you. So I just wanted to clear that up. That's how it starts out. Kickback and joy, have some laughs. Harland Williams live on the Sunset Strip at the Comedy Store. He's from Fresno and I went

to a shit with in Fresno, but you're in for Tracy's got from Fresno, California. Please welcome Johnny Walman at this year. So if you could give me a chance for any one job. One fucking jock, huh? Release the crackin! Then if you could look away and join the shop.

What a treat. Great to see everyone. Anyone here from Fresno, my hometown? Are you from Fresno? Where are you from from Fresno? West is sure. Right on. Party. I want to party with you later real hard. I'm real deep. What street yawn? What street yawn? West. West Street. I know him.

Yeah, I know it, man. I lost my virginity there in the backman's college brookwax, right? Ha ha ha, ha, gang, burn. What are you mean, burning people from my own hood, huh? They didn't see that a common comedy store, gang. Take that back, he's gone. Great to see everyone. How are you, Guy? You're doing okay? Great to see you. I really like this guy. Your name, Guy? Andrew. Andrew with the name?

And what do you do, Andrew? I work at a YouTube company. You work at a YouTube company. Like, is there more than one YouTube company? You work in YouTube. You work in YouTube. So you sit in your basement and shoot little videos of yourself putting makeup on. Is that what you do?

Yeah, we get it. We get it back. He's from fucking Fresno. How are you, Kenny G.G.? Do you know it okay? I'm just trying to fucking stick a pickle off this guy's ass. It's not going to put the glass kind of the way to show. Folks, get messled in.

We're going to do a nice show. There you go. Messle in, ma'am, like a little baby, a pigeon in a nest under a bridge with a mite crawling around on your beat. So if you could turn your hat around, that's a sign of disrespect. You can just spin the hat around. I can't operate with a backwards hat. backwards half. Just for me. I don't know if these other guys. Just, sir, please spin it around.

That's not right. Thank you, sir. Get on your hand. Let's say, sorry. It's a goddamn friend. How are you, ma'am? I bet you're enjoying those seats here for the big ass show tonight. God, it's good to be. It's nice to be off the street. It's nice to be off the street. Are you afraid to be on the streets, gang? I mean, it's crazy out there. Isol is on the loose.

Isicle, chocolate icing, whatever about it. It's a crazy world out there. It's crazier than Forrest Whitaker's left eye out there. This is America. This is the United States of America. America. Anyone not here from the United States? Like, where are you from, my love? Poland.

Poland? Holy smokes, what street? If you're going to laugh at her, maybe that's not a plate thing to do, gang. Isn't that nice, man? What are you doing, Poland, my love? Sir, you can sit down doing something. What are you doing, Poland? Well, parents, everybody, eat a lot of sausage.

You eat a lot of sausage? Hello, I found the right one. In America, we call it suck a lot of sausage. Do you have a crazy last name? Like kola flaflunker shalt fuck or something? No, no, I'm okay. What is it, Smith? No.

All right, well, I'm moving on. I need someone with a wacky last name where I can't focus. That's right, gang, sit down, stop shaking hands for me to show. Thank you, buddy. That meant a lot to be a nice guy. What's your name for me, fellow? Adam, thank you very much. It's very respectful.

I don't like negative energy when I'm up here. I'm here for you. And you turn your hat around on this player and before you know it, I'm in Miami, bitch. Are you bitches? I have some biscuits. There are bitches in there, man, huh? Vitches in Poland?

Me, look like a Polish bitch. Except you can uncross your arms. It's like you're about to do a fucking fringles turn, right? How are you, man? Well, I'm glad to be here. this is America and as you know in America it's a violent place

you'll find that out later and part of my agenda gang and this just happened to me not too long ago I decided that being in America as an American I should want this like any other American

I want to be murdered there I said who went in this room want to be murdered hello America But I don't want just any random murder. Like, I don't want you to murder me, guy. You with that, I just bought a new shovel at Home Depot look in your eye.

I plan out my own murder. Here's how it goes, gang, okay? It's gotta happen in the middle of the night, okay? I'm fast asleep in my bedroom, okay? It's dark, I'm sleeping. And I gotta be murdered specifically, ma'am, by a guy named Larry. That's what I want. It's my murder.

I want that, all right? I'm laying in bed, I'm fast asleep, I hear a floorboard creak. I pop open my eyes, I look up, and Larry's standing over me with a big fucking knife, and he just starts bludging me, race through the fucking ribs, the abdomen, all these fucking holes in my torso,

and I look up that, Larry, and the last thing I say before I die is, you're killing me, Larry. You're killing me, Larry! And the last thing Larry says to me, before I die, is your mattress is free! Do you get those commercials in Poland? Certainly could stop whispering to the IKEA girl. How are you going to talk to Rikea and her bank and flirt with her on your own time?

How are you, guy, are you doing okay? You ever shove your ass in a fish tank and see how many bubbles you can blast? How are you, man? Do you ever wake up with three in the morning and fill your ass crack full of callshop? You will, you will. And I woke up this morning, what a drag. You ever wake up? What a blow job this is, huh?

Waking up, what a dirty blow job this deal is. You wake up, right? Everyone woke up this morning. Everyone in this room woke up. I see your eyes open, howled people. You wake up, and inevitably what happens is, a human being, you bump into another human being, your first human being of the day, right? And what do they always do? They always go, good morning, right, with the little chirpy voice,

good morning. And I'm like, no. It ain't good. Mornings ain't good. I see the sun coming up. I hear the birds chirping. Yeah, it's morning. It ain't good. Case and point. You ever look at your own reflection in the mirror in the morning? It's not good. Your hair's on sideways. Like you found a wig behind a fucking drag queen club and glued it to your head with Mrs. Butter with syrup.

Your face is all puffed out like somehow in the middle of the night you acquired a peanut allergy. You got black bags under your eyes like you're in a moitoy kickboxing fight down in Korea town. God forbid you got creases in your pillow slits. You got lines all over your face,

like you're in a nice flight behind Demi's. You got crust in the corner of your eyes and on the side of your mouth, like the apple crisp fairy flew into your room in the middle of the night and took a dump on your face. Your breath smells like, I don't know if garlic bread had an asshole. Wait, good morning to be shit morning.

How are you? Shit fucking morning. Nice to see ya, shit fucking morning to you there by. Oh shit fucking morning to you there by. So you're from Miami, ever slap a mimity in the cliff? They got pink fat clits like traffic home. Oh, the neon orange too. You'd probably have those in Poland, your nutcracker sweet.

Thank you for turning that right. Turn around. Turn around your hat. I really liked it. You did that. Turn around. How are you, buddy ever stretch your knapsack over your face if you take your friend Kruger? Just wrinkle up, bag meat on your face.

Your face, fucking. You will. So I wake up, that guy with your hand on your chin and the little pink South Park hat, not laughing at nothing. I feel your energy guy. Now you got your thumb in your fucking teeth like you're picking a fucking walnut seed out of your fucking grandmother's eyelid or so fucking. Fuck, it hurts, it hurts. I'm ripping this fucking room a new asshole, South Park over here. Man, where are you going? Going again suck a sausage?

I must be go out and suck um sausage. I'll be back as soon we got. Maybe I'll suck a manatee clip. So here's the thing, you wake up and then what happens, butternut, Billy. What happens next? You wake up, what do you do? What did you? You go outside, right?

Butternup Billy? You go outside and go to the bathroom. Okay, so you sleep in a fucking tent. How do I know? I go outside, what do I see, gang, huh? Comedy Store, Sunset, Slash, Hollywood Gang. gang. What, buddy? Clits. No, I didn't see clits, guy. Are there clits in your neighborhood? Just, fucking sitting on the branches in the trees,

Sammy, squirting pussy juice on your house. This fucking curb over here. What do you do? The new subway spokesman over here? Charlie, too, over once in a Sunday. Sir, you could sit down there to a shop. All right, all right, I got the fucking light. I wasted time on Hansel and Gretel's trouble and sister, I got the fucking light. That's right. What are you expecting to eat fucking sausages all day?

Look like fucking Ellie McBeal? She's not out of here, let's be cool. Come on you, buddy. You ever see any onion rings you can stack on your cocks, sir? Got a little cool off before you try that check, huh? Alright, let me finish this and then I'll get the hell off. Big fucking light, like a train's coming at my face, huh? So, I go outside.

That's what I do. After I wake up, I go outside. Oh, ma'am? I walk outside into the wild, as fucking Archie Bunker says. I walk, oh, geez, I walk out into the wild, dick, ding that. You know, I don't do impressions. Eat yourself. So I walk outside, what do I see? The first thing we all see, some jack-wad taking a selfie. There one, click, click, click, click, look at me, I'm fucking great, taking a selfie. Everybody taking selfies

in this self-absorbed world we live in today. Have you had enough of taking pictures of yourself, gang? Look at me! Look at me with my little fucking koala thumbs, huh? You know what? They shouldn't be called selfies. You know what they should be called? Fuck you. That's what they see. This isn't what they are at the end of the day, right? It's like, hey, look at me. I'm at the zoo with a little baby fluffy tiger. You're not. Fuck you.

Look at me, I'm skiing in the outs with my rich friends while you're in your cubicle, I'll, fuck you! I'm on the Great Wall of China with John Bon Jovi and you're not, fuck you! But now they took it one step further, they created a fuck you stick. It's an extra three and a half feet, a fuck you. So now the whole beach is like, fuck you! And ladies, when you take your selfies, ladies, I'm talking to the ladies. I'm talking to the ladies.

Knock it off with the fucking fish laptop. Can you stop this stuff? Jesus Christ, it looks like Don Knox and Steven Tyler are sucking breakbirds at the Sour Patch Kid factory, all right? Getting all right, dude. Guy didn't mean to burst out of you back there with a little... What's your name, guy with the beard and the little hat? Guy?

What is it? Jacob, I'd mean to burst out of you, guy. Did you laugh at anything I said? You didn't have to, I'm just asking. Huh? Nothing really, I can see. I can see it. I don't like that.

That doesn't sit good with the fonts. Is there a topic? I'd like to end. But do you giggling and chuckling like the rest of these people? Is there a topic you didn't enjoy my friend, Jacob? Yell it out. What topic would you like, Guy? You what?

You want it? You thought I was getting somewhere? Okay, okay. No. No, I was getting somewhere. So you like what I was doing? Okay. Okay.

Okay. Um... I liked what I was doing at him as well. Anybody ever wake up in the morning? You ever wake up there? Sir, you could turn your hat back from. You smile, if you smile, that's all I do. Now I can go home and roll around in sunflower seeds on my IKEA bunk bed.

I guess I gotta bring, this guy's not coming back, huh? Don't you do like a cauliflower fart or something? Hold on, let me just, there's someone else coming out, gang. I forgot to look put it, so hang tight once. Oh, you little bastard. Fuck you, fuck you, go out and suck your sausage with her. Oh, God, this guy, ladies and gentlemen, I can't wait to bring this one. Sometimes, when you ever hear of the zoo and a wild animal gets out,

Well, we got a cougar cat walking the street tonight. We got a wild cat out on the loose. Me and this guy went to boarding school in Brooklyn back in the day. He was my roommate at St. Andrews. Love this guy. You might know him from Undaidable folks. It's Krista Leah. Give him a hit.

Come on, Chris. Christopher, come on. I love that shirt. Well, there it is. There it is. the comedy store live on a Friday night so you can feel the energy in the room

the room was packed all the way to the back it was a really good night and it was Chris DeLay it was me it was Mark Harmon it was oh my gosh who's the big fella from Meet the Goldbergs

and curb your enthusiasm oh my gosh I'm forgetting his name but the guy who plays the father I'll meet the Goldbergs, the big fella. He was there a really fun night. So there you go, premium members. I hope you liked that. I'll bring you more of those special stand-up comedy sets

throughout the year. And as I said, each one will be different because, you know, as you heard, I just go at it with the crowd. You never know what the hell they're going to say. I really like the part when I, when I said, I'm in Miami bitch, and a bunch of girls started screaming,

and I said, oh, are you bitches? I even laughed at that one. Am I allowed to laugh at my own ones? My own ones that I do? Can I laugh at those? And then the next premium content you're going to hear is, as I promised in the last podcast, you're going to hear the second episode of the Let's Have a Fight podcast between two real funny comedians.

And I'll just let that come to you. And you should have a blast listening to that. So thanks again, you guys. Hope you enjoyed it. And we'll talk to you at the next secret. premium content. Harland Highway, get together. Okay, peace out, player.