The Harland Highway - Red Richardson from London is here! We talk Crumpets, Ming'ns, and all kinds of fun, jolly things!
Episode Date: March 3, 2026This episode is sponsored by: Chubbies, StitchFix, Quo, Mando -Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get 20% off with promo code [HARLANDHIGHWAY] at shopmando.com! #mandopod -Chubbies is ...here to keep you comfy and looking good year-round. Get 20% off with code [harlandhighway] at chubbiesshorts.com/[harlandhighway]! #chubbiespod -Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to Quo.com/HARLAND - Get started today at StitchFix.com/Harland to get $20 off your first order and they’ll waive your styling fee. Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Red Richardson: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/redrichardsoncomedy/?hl=en Official Website: https://www.redrichardsoncomedy.com/ Tiktok:https://www.tiktok.com/@redrichardsoncomedy #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Well, hey, hey, hey, everybody.
Welcome to today's podcast.
Before we get going, a little reminder,
I'm going to be at Spokane, Washington,
March 5th through the 7th at the Spokane Comedy Club.
Then I'm going to be March 13th and the 14th in Eugene, Oregon
at the Olson Run Comedy Club.
On March 26, I'm in Monterey, California at the Golden State Theater.
This is a gorgeous theater, Monterey, California.
California, come on. The Golden State Theater March 26th. March 27th, I'll see you in Seattle,
Washington at the Neptune Theater. So grab your tickets now, come and laugh, bring your friends,
tickets at Harlan Williams.com. I'll see you there, gang.
You're homeless or more.
Oh, yeah.
I don't know if it's different drugs. Homeless people in London are kind of more. It's like,
please, mate, can I, you know, like sort of their...
Plight homeless.
Begging, you know.
May I shit on your front porch, please?
Yeah, but please, man, can I?
May I piss on your wife, please?
Is that all right?
Would you mind?
Would you mind I have a little squirt of diarrhea in your baby's carriage?
Whereas in the States are just like,
he'll just shoot a shit out of you like a potato gun.
And some, like, you see, like...
Parlin high, will up your ears.
Toss logic aside.
It's comedy chaos
With Harland as your guide
These are headphones
Okay
I don't know if you use these in the old UK
Yeah
Oh you're gonna put it on your mouth
Isn't that how they work?
Oh, I've never tried that
Let's see
Can you hear me?
Can you hear you?
I can't hear you
Better
I can't hear you
Can you try them on your mouth
Hello
No
Nothing
Hang on try them on your mouth again
Hello.
Oh yeah, there you are.
We're in.
There you are, you little pipsqueak.
You little jinxies.
How are you doing?
Red, how am I doing?
How are you doing, my guy?
I'm good.
This is great.
You're great.
I'm so excited to have you here.
You're officially, my guy.
Yeah.
Our first United Kingdom guest.
Mm-hmm.
And you know, no one for England on.
No.
No.
Oh.
We didn't want any.
No.
But now we do.
Okay.
just one.
No, you're the first.
We'll see how to go.
Did you just call me a moron?
No, I said, don't have any moron.
I think they just called me a moron.
No, I didn't.
I thought the British were polite.
Right out of the gate, I get nailed with moron.
But no, you're kind of like the statesman for it,
because if you do well, like if you're liked, if we love you,
if you're nice, oh, you did just call me a moron player.
we'll have more of you zan
okay
you inglees yeah
is inglees a thing
no english
but what if there's a group of you
Spanish for English
isn't it like a group of English
no Brits
well that's for the whole place
I don't know English
Englishman
Can English be a thing though
It can now
I like English
Yeah
I look over there
English
Yeah
that's the impression
That's the impression everyone does of us.
What?
Oh, my God.
It's either that or posh is the sort of...
What's posh?
Posh is like...
I'm probably posh.
It's...
So you're a spice girl?
No, I...
Wasn't Posh a spice girl?
Yes, she was.
Are you a girl?
I'm...
Dude, I love the...
I mean, ma'am, I love the stash.
I'm a 90s pop star from a hit girl group.
Folks, posh spice in the hizzle.
That's Beckham's wife.
Oh, so you're married to Beckham?
Yeah, I married to David Beckham.
And you must be nuts about soccer.
I love it, yeah.
Dude, does he ever, like on, let's say Valentine's Day, Christmas Eve, a romantic night,
does he ever bend it like Beckham?
And does it hurt?
No, he puts on, he edits together the clips of his favorite goals that he scored,
and we sit and watch them.
But what do you make love to?
We don't.
We haven't in years.
Oh, my God.
In the old days, when the passion was running hot,
When you were a young spice, with maybe just peach fudge.
Did he ever bend it like Beckham?
Yeah, he did.
He used to, yeah.
Can you describe it?
Because we hear that term, what is it?
How does it work?
Are you in the same room when it happens?
Are you wrapped in a net?
No, I'm, I go outside, and he just, it just comes on me from the top floor in the house.
And then I, and he says, what do you say?
I say, thank you.
And that's it.
Dude.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Holland Highway podcast.
We have a very special guest today.
I do guarantee.
Red is here.
Should I say your poll name?
Yeah, go on if you want.
How do you say your last name?
It's Red.
Richardson.
Yeah.
Richardson or with an ass?
No ass.
Son.
Richard's son.
And is your dad's name Richard?
No.
What's your dad's name?
But that's where the surname comes from.
What's your dad's name?
So you should be read Peterson?
Yeah.
But traditional English names is son of.
So that's what the surname became.
So let me get this straight.
You bust in here right out of the gate.
Yeah.
You call me a moron.
You lie about your dad.
Yeah.
And you lie about your gender.
You're a spice girl.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dude, right.
I know.
We're four minutes in.
We're four minutes in.
And that's called Her Majesty's Royal Fuckover.
Is that what that?
Guys. Wow. I'm going to lower this just a minute, just a bit. And you know what I'm going to do? Are you hot? I was. I'm going to turn the heat down to you. Okay, sure. Can you hold the fort for like 30 seconds? Yeah, I don't know what to do, but I will. Talk about anything. Your experience, maybe tell them a bit about your homeland. Okay. I'll be back. You think I'm not coming back. I hope you are because, yeah. I get this. I look in your eyes and I get this sense that you.
you don't trust me to come back.
Red Richardson.
Yeah.
I'll be back.
All right.
It is hot in here, isn't it?
Yeah.
Why is it,
there's the lights and then,
because it's the lights.
It's the ambiance.
Mm-hmm.
You glow.
Yeah.
They say he who burns twice as bright,
lives half as long.
Yeah.
Is that a quote?
Yeah.
That's a quote.
Yeah.
That's a quote.
You have burned so very, very bright, Roy.
That's from Blade Runner.
Okay.
Okay.
Tell them about your country.
I'm going to go turn the heat down.
Okay.
I'm boiling.
It is not.
I feel like I know you don't have koal.
What?
Did you do this on purpose?
So I'm sweating.
I wanted to see a bit of that sweet British porridge come out of your pores.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
But I know you don't have koalas in England.
I know you don't.
But I'm feeling like a koalas.
walla that's wrapped in a lasagna.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's how warm I feel.
I know the feeling all too well.
What's the warmest thing you've ever been wrapped in outside of your mother's womb?
Mm.
Did your mother have a womb?
I shouldn't be soft as option.
Yes, she did.
She did.
How many?
Four.
Did you have a womb with a view?
Yeah.
If you're going to laugh at your own mother's innards, I'm sorry, I'll be right back.
Take over, Red.
Well, I am from England.
It rains every day.
it's not as hot as this
and Arland's back in the room
thank God
yeah you were you were a little
nervous for a guy who's on stage
like would you say on stage every night
yeah just about every night
you shouldn't be nervous
no because you have command of a room
you have command of your audience you've been doing
stand up for how long
11 years
let's do a take two
okay let's show a little more confidence
a little more bravado
a little more
you're representing your country
okay I don't have to turn the heat down
but I want to give you a second chance
your countrymen are watching
I think this is good with you
I know but I think you've got to let your countrymen know
that you stepped up you had 30 seconds
yeah
but yeah
I'm Red Richardson, a comedian from the UK.
The UK is one of the greatest...
That's all I needed.
That was fucking great.
Cheers, man.
Fucking brilliant.
Oh, are they saying England?
Brilliant.
Do you not say that here?
We don't say brilliant.
Because everyone's so stupid, it's America.
Really?
No, this is brilliant.
You can't.
What's the word for it?
Ace.
Awesome.
No, you can't say brilliant here.
Everyone's such a dummy.
Okay.
Yeah, like you can't go, hey, talk.
Oh, brilliant.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They'll be like, what's that mean?
Yeah, okay.
But in England, you can say, oh, it's a braille, not?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And you don't even say the whole word.
You cut it right down, and you go, instead of, you think folks, you go, oh, that's bloody
brilliant, isn't that?
Mm-hmm.
But the English, because they created the English language, they can cut words right down.
That's bloody brown, not.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's almost so you don't even say it.
Mm.
Oh, that's bloody brilliant not.
Right?
I almost just said the B and half the first I.
People say Brill,
when they cut it in the down, yeah.
But I went even shorter.
I did B and half,
I did it the I,
but without the dot on the top.
Listen.
Oh,
that's where I've written a...
Dude, that's like a bullet from a gun,
and I know you don't have guns over there.
We don't.
Do you want a gun?
Oh, yeah.
Nice.
Oh, yeah.
And I bend it like Beckham, I'll tell you that.
I always wonder, though, because the police over there don't even have guns, right?
Some do.
Oh, they do?
But they have to have a special license for the gun.
So not every, a lot of them just have the baton.
Right, they got a billy club.
Yeah, or some spray?
Hair spray or?
Heber spray, yeah.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
But wait, the police here are called police or SWAT or ICE.
Over there, they're called Bobby's?
Yeah, that's like a nickname for a policeman.
They used to be a, I don't know, is it.
It's an old rule that a pregnant woman's allowed to,
if she needs the toilet, she can piss in a bobby's hat.
In a box?
Oh, yeah, they wear those little, like the pith helmets.
And they have a whistle.
A whistle.
Because the criminals hate whistles.
So they go, if you hear the whistle,
they know they've got to stop because that's the rules.
Oh, nothing like you're about to shoot someone.
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
You've got two million in a sack.
You just robbed a bank, and then you hear that.
You're hard.
It's over.
Yeah, not the most, A, not the most intimistic.
A whistle and not a gun.
Yeah.
A Billy Club and not a gun.
A, the name Bobby.
Yeah.
Like, if I'm like, you know, committing a crime, it's like,
hey, look, mate, you better not rob the bank.
Here comes Bobby.
Yeah.
And then the Billy Club, like, how does that, it's like, you know,
someone's robbing.
It's like, are you there?
You stealing that car?
Bunk.
Well, you're still.
still stealing the car.
I could have swore I'm with me Bobby Club.
I mean, Billy Club, Billy Bobby.
Suddenly I feel like I'm at a hillbilly camp.
Yeah, no, it's not that.
And then there's not like a huge amount needed to get into the police.
So it's kind of...
What do you mean?
Well, it's just dumb people with sticks, really,
running around trying to stop the criminals.
So your police force is dumb people with sticks.
Yeah, yeah, it is.
And it's usually terrible people because it's sort of someone who...
Wow.
...feel like they didn't have enough power in school.
And so they join up.
But we don't have, I mean,
we don't really have guns.
You know how you can get away with any crime there?
If your cops are just dumb people running around with sticks,
let's say the bank's here,
and there's a tree two doors down.
Yeah.
Hang like four piñatas.
Yeah.
And those guys.
They'll be there a week.
You got a stick, you see a pinata.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
No, they'll be
But no, we've had
Who is the armed guys?
There's been a few.
Outside embassies, people have guns and stuff.
American embassy?
Well, that's because they're American.
Yeah, trying to get in there.
It's like an airport.
And over in English, they call them Lairies,
the American cops.
Really?
Yeah, they're Bobby's.
The British ones are Bobby's.
The Americans are Lairies.
And the Middle Eastern ones are
Funandandigdank,
non-thundi-dank.
Did you know that?
Not till today.
Do you have a police story?
Like I feel you, I look in your eyes.
And they're this, by the way, they're this close to the shade of koala.
You have a beautiful koala brown.
Have you heard that from women before?
No, no one's ever said that before.
But I like it, thanks.
Do you have a police story?
Have you ever had a run in with the British law?
Yeah.
When I was a kid, because I moved to like a small town for my,
teens and there was just police
because everyone would just sit
we'd all like
just sort of drink in the park
and then but they cut there's no crime
so the police's main job is just
taking beers from 16 year olds
you know what I mean so it's like a weird
because there's no actual proper crime going on
what's the drinking age then
18 and you were 16
yeah we used to get adults to buy it for us
and at the time you thought that was a cool adult
and now you look back and go maybe there's a creep
yeah probably a creeper
So wait, so the crime, there was the twofold.
A, you were, you were drinking in the park, not allowed.
Not allowed.
We don't do that in the United Kingdom, Love.
No.
And two, you were underage.
Yeah, well, no, we can drink in the park.
Oh.
We can drink in the street.
You guys can't, can't, can you.
In Vegas, you can.
Yeah.
Well, that's the only city.
No, we can walk down the street with a drink.
Come on.
Yeah.
No one cares.
First of all, what was the name of your little town?
There was a place called Totnas.
Totnats.
Also something a dinosaur done after a big meal.
Yeah, it's a, it's always a weird town.
It's like an old hippie town.
Oh, wow.
So they had their own currency for a bit.
There was the Totnes Pound.
We've got no chains there.
Costa coffee tried to start a chain there,
and it was marches.
It was like riots in the street, but hippie riots.
So just a lot of stone people go, no.
Hippie riots.
Yeah.
Okay.
Okay. So you had your own currency.
Own currency.
Were there a lot of Indian people there?
No.
And did they have their own curry?
A lot of white people who've been to India too many times and come back and think they're Indian.
So your biggest run in with the law was sitting in a park, swiggin a bevy?
Probably. I'm trying to think of others.
But that was kind of it.
There was no real crime around there.
I think there's bad like drug problems there, but there's no like home invasions or
gangs or anything.
Red, something's not connecting here.
Okay.
Because I look at you,
they look at you, and we kind of
have to conclude a criminal element.
I spent 20 years in prison for historic
sex crimes dating from
1972. That's what you wanted.
That's what we wanted. That's what they wanted.
I'm sorry. And you have
a scar down the middle of it? We were split in prison?
Or what happened? Yeah, that was a jail fight.
Wow.
Me and the Aryan Brotherhood went on it.
That's quite the ass guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's quite the, I love it.
I love scars on people.
Yeah, it was.
Do you hate it or do you think it's sexy?
No, I think it's a reminder of tougher times.
When I had to head butt my way out of a gang bang in a prison shower.
Oh, wow.
Head butt your way out of a gang bang.
Yeah.
Wow.
That might be the first time I've ever heard of that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is all cock injury.
Oh, wow.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow, dude.
No, actually, I ran into a table when I was four.
That's the, okay.
Let's stick with the gang bang guy.
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No, you hit a table?
Yeah, how tall were you?
Probably like, yeah, I was four years old, so it's probably like, I don't know.
I mean, you hit here, so the table was, you must have been, what were you, an elf?
Yeah, a tiny little elf.
How did you hit your forehead guy?
I don't know, I ran straight into it.
On the corner.
Yeah, blood everywhere.
Oh, red.
Red blood everywhere.
I know.
Well, buddy, it's so good to have you here.
Thanks, having me on.
Yeah, I love the British folks.
You know, I'm Canadian, so I'm part of the Commonwealth.
Yeah.
Grew up with huge British influence.
Who was that?
Who's that then?
Well, the Canadian, the British comedy scene, you know, Monty Python, Benny Hill.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Benny was huge here, isn't he?
Not here, but he wasn't Canada.
He was on like every Saturday night he was on.
Here they don't know about him as much.
Okay.
But Monty Python and just the British sensibility, man.
I freaking love it.
It's a different comedy sensibility than anywhere else in the world.
I don't need to tell you.
Why am I telling you?
No, we've got loads of good stuff, like great sitcoms and stuff.
You do?
Yeah.
You've seen Fulty Towers, John Cleese?
Faulty Towers, yeah.
That's amazing.
Yeah, there's a lot of good comedy.
Yeah.
You guys as well, Canada's got a huge amount of people.
Canada, great comedy.
Oh, yeah. Kids in the hall.
You, I'm Norm McDonnell.
Norm, yeah.
Jim, Howie.
Well, that's Dumb and Dumber was like my, I think I've watched it a hundred times.
Oh, yeah.
As a kid, it was just, yeah.
Is that right?
Was it a, was it a?
So this is really great for me.
Thank you.
Oh, wow.
My pleasure.
Thank you.
Was it, because I was saying you earlier, earlier before we started the podcast,
we were having salami sandwiches and popsicles.
And I was asking.
asking about like what sort of plays in the UK that's American.
Yeah.
And since you brought up dumb and dumber was that, it was a huge hit here.
It was massive.
It was.
It was, uh, yeah, that was like the film.
I think everyone is my age.
So I was born in 1989.
Everyone my age and above, that's their childhood film.
You know, that was like, if you're like sort of, yeah, it just we all watched it over and over again.
But can I, going back to the sensibility of humor?
Like the British sensibility is the stuff we just talked.
I find it much more subtle, cerebral, and I dare say a little more intelligent.
Doesn't disqualify any other sense of humor.
But dumb and dumber was so quintessential sort of American kind of over your head, just stupid jokes, which is great.
I'm sort of like that played really well over there.
Well, naked guns massive.
Oh, yeah.
We like all this stuff.
I think we like other people doing it.
We're not allowed to do our set of them, you know.
English comedy films aren't big.
They don't, we don't really have huge British comedy films.
We love the sitcom, but it's like, it's got to be half an hour long,
and you do two seasons and shut up.
Yeah, the way they got rid of the office so quickly was criminal.
Well, Fulte Towers was two seasons as well.
Faulty Towers, I was, I didn't like it as much, but the office, come on.
Oh, it's the best.
Ricky GERBlace or whatever his name is.
Fudge.
It was unbelievable, yeah.
That was, that was, so when that came out when I was,
like a teenager and that was great.
What else did we have? I mean, Ace Ventura
was huge. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And all your comedies, I mean,
Ben Stiller's stuff.
Yeah. Like Will Ferrell, it's
like big box office, British,
you know, everyone goes out to watch them or did
when people went to cinema.
Oh, my next guest sitting in that chair on Wednesday
is going to be Will Ferrell. Are you kidding?
So you're opening for Will.
That's going to be a better episode than this.
Oh, no, it ain't. No, it ain't.
Both going to be telling us. He's
Coming Wednesday.
Yeah.
Yeah.
The elf himself is going to be sitting right there.
Right where your bottom is.
Yeah, yeah.
Right.
And how are we going to do the heating for him?
We're going to do the heating?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, that was just for you.
It's funny, the hotel I'm staying at on their Instagram, they put a picture up.
Because they've got an open mic music night under my room that they've been doing.
So 6 p.m. every night, your room starts shaking.
Oh, that's the worst.
And lucky I've been out gigging, but it doesn't end until 1 a.
Yeah.
But they have a picture of Will Ferrell's son going,
Will Ferrell's son just played his first gig here.
Which is, you're kind of funny phrasing it.
Wait, what kind of gig?
Music?
Yeah, music.
Oh, what's he do?
I don't know, but it was a picture of Will and his son in the hotel.
So that's twice we've nearly been in the same room.
You know you're famous when they're not,
it's not even the guy, but it's someone attached to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Will Ferrell's uncle slept in this room at the Baker's Field Red Roof Inn.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow. Well, speaking of famous, like, people, Brits,
be honest with me, how close did you live to George Michael's house?
Or do you still?
He's dead.
Right.
But his house, you knew where he lived.
Don't play that with me.
Don't play.
He had a few houses.
Oh, see?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I didn't know that.
I've never been to do with Michael's house.
Are you a fan?
That doesn't matter.
We just want to know how they want to know.
I, George Michael.
Where do you live?
That's what I'm asking.
I probably lived about 20 minutes.
If he's in London, 20 minutes away.
No, you didn't.
God bless you, child.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, do you love it?
Do you miss them?
I miss George a lot.
Uncle George, we used to call him.
Uncle George.
Why?
Because he would give us gifts and no, he's a good guy.
Wow.
Wonderful.
No one used gay until the 90s.
You know that.
And you watch back the videos of the podcast.
the music video is it's so obvious that he's gay.
Yeah.
And a lot of the lyrics, too, once you listen back to the lyrics,
you go, okay, maybe not singing about a woman.
Okay.
Yeah.
But he died, I think he was only 52 when he died.
Oh, the poor angel.
Why?
I don't know what it was.
You don't know?
He had some scandals.
He was caught wanking in a telephone box once or something.
I know it was a toilet, I think.
Yeah, that was here in Beverly Hill.
Was it?
I was here in the old U.S.
I was,
Your house is 20 minutes.
His wank box is 20 minutes from here.
Just down the road.
Yeah.
What happened to Kevin Spacey in London,
he got mugged at 4 a.m.
in Hampstead Heath Park.
There was a hamster involved?
Hamster Heath.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Okay, okay.
But it all makes sense.
Yeah.
Wow, wow.
And do people, is there like a George Michael day?
Like, will people, the day he died,
will people curl up in the fetal position
and maybe like cradle of warm lasagna and weep?
Yeah, we should do that.
He's got a lot of good songs.
What's your flavor?
Wake me up.
Now, what's his great ones?
Wake me up before you go.
I can't remember.
What's the Zoolander one?
Is that in Zoolander?
I can't remember.
You did it.
You said it wrong.
Okay, what is it?
You said, wake me up before you go.
What is it?
That is it, isn't it?
No.
What is it?
Brad.
Yeah.
Sing that, sing what you just said.
Wake me up before you go, go, go.
Is that it?
You left a go out.
Okay.
Can you imagine?
Wake me up before you go.
Like, no.
Rad.
It's clearly, wake me up before you go, go.
You see, you dropped one go.
Like, I'm not as good to sing as you.
Well, it's not about singing.
It's about George Michael's game, about his lyrics.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
I wonder, so his house might be 20 minutes from yours.
But Cooper, he'll live in.
He would probably live in Chelsea or Kensington
somewhere where the house is about 20 million pounds.
Wow, that's a heavy house.
He's a rich man or was a rich man.
Was he big here?
Oh, yeah.
He was huge here.
What makes it over here then?
Nothing, the Beatles.
No, no.
Everything makes it over here.
But like English, what's popular?
It's funny how little Americans know about...
Yeah, the only thing that didn't make it here
was that guy who about a year ago
did that CGI...
monkey movie.
Robbie Williams.
Robbie Williams.
I knew they spent like $300 million on it.
They made him a CGI monkey and not one Americans ever heard of the guy.
Yeah.
And my last name's Williams and I ain't never heard of him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's massive in England.
That's what I thought.
I know.
I think big in Europe.
Yeah.
I think they were banking on it being huge in America.
And I'm not knocking the guy, but I'd never even heard of him.
Yeah, it was an odd choice.
I mean, you're going to make a lot.
monkey movie, do someone everyone knows, make George Monkey.
Yeah.
George Monkey Michaels.
Everyone knows him.
Like make George, it's CGI, bring George back as an orangutan or a, yeah, yeah.
Howler monkey.
Or a gay ape.
Las, Oasis big hit.
Oasis was pretty big.
Yeah.
Yeah, they were big.
But they were like, weren't they 80s, 90s?
They were 90s.
Yeah.
But they've just done a big comeback, which in England was like it.
Well, weren't they?
they like brothers that fought all the time?
All the time.
Like didn't they like have full on like fistfights?
They'd fall out before a gig so one of them wouldn't do it and the other one would do it on their own.
They did MTV unplugged, which like in the 90s was like the show, I think.
Yeah, Acapella, right?
Yeah, and one of the singer, Liam said, I'm not going to do it because I can't be fucked.
And he can't what?
He just said I can't be fucked to do it.
What's that mean?
Well, I think he said he was ill, but he was just hung over.
And then he sat on the balcony.
ham really drunk
and just shout and abuse
at his brother the whole show
But wait, wait, wait, wait
We gotta dial it back, Notcho
I'm not, we're not familiar with her
I can't be fucked
Yeah, do not say that
No, what is that?
It means I don't want to do it
So if I don't want to go to the store
Yeah, you say I can't be fucked
So
Ask me if I want to go to the grocery store
Arland, would you like to go to the grocery store?
I can't be fucked
Yeah, how do that feel?
it seems wrong
why
well hey I don't want to be
by you
yeah
and I'm not even horny
I'm going to the store
how did fuck get in on the play
well fucked is like assed or bothered
no it's not it's sexual intercourse
it's not though
you can say he fucked it
you could say that about an opportunity
it doesn't mean he had sex with the
you said that guy
that guy was going places
but he fucked it
for a country that created the English language
you've got to start to understand what fucked means.
Yeah, yeah, okay.
Okay?
Like, if I say to you, you want to go to the circus
and you say, I can't be fucked,
I'm not implying that we go under a giant tent
and you bend over for an elephant.
Like, I just want to go see people juggling
and walking on wires, my guy.
Fucking's got nothing to do with it.
Can't be bothered.
How does that work?
Did you say that?
Yeah, that works.
Okay.
I mean, the other one's cool, but I don't know.
Yeah.
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Here's a word I love that I learned
when I spent some time in Mary Old England.
Yeah.
Mingin.
Minging. That's for an ugly person.
How do you say it?
Minging.
Minging.
We've got another one which is a Manta.
It's an ugly person.
Manta.
Yeah, she's a Manta.
Like monster.
Yeah, M-U-N-T-E-R.
But what's it mean?
Ugly, just not good, unattractive.
Manta.
Manta.
So at school, that was a big insult.
She's a complete M-T-M-T-E-M-T-B-N-N-N.
But is Minging spelled M-N-G-N?
No, M-I-N-G.
Minging.
Yeah, minging.
And that's another one you can say.
You can say that about the weather.
You can say that, but it's ugly.
You go, this weather's minging.
That person is minging.
Where'd you go in England?
Have you spent time there?
But wait, before we get to that, remember earlier we're talking about how quickly you
say brilliant?
Yeah, brilliant.
Minging, you can almost say it.
I got that one down.
You barely have to open your mouth.
Like it used to be when I first heard, it's like, oh, that's bloody minging in
that.
Yeah.
But I got it down.
Oh, that's bloody minute that.
Yeah.
Did you hear it?
Yeah.
But you have to be really on top of your game to hear it.
Oh, that's bloody me, isn't it?
You can get away with that one.
It's sort of under the breath quick.
It's like an M goes like this.
I did like half the M.
Oh, that's bloody Mignat.
Is that the fastest one you've ever seen?
Yeah, brilliant.
Do we want to do like a Western style mingin?
You're the Vin Diesel of a showdown?
What, what do you mean?
We do like a mingian.
and like we'll see who does it the fact.
I will do a 3-2-1, ready?
One, two, three.
That's being it.
I think I'll beat you.
Yeah, but you just said the word.
I did the whole sentence.
Yeah, oh, that's true, but you just said it was the word.
No, we got to do that.
Okay.
That's the thing is, that's bloody minging in it.
That's bloody minging in it.
Okay, all right.
And this time I'm going to do the count coach.
You did it one, two, three.
Well, I was playing.
Which tells me you don't watch Western.
No, yeah.
It's three-two-one.
Okay.
But remember the line is, that's bloody mignette.
And you got to do the guns.
Yeah, yeah.
Ready?
I'm going to create some drama and do the Twitch.
Three, two, one.
That's like mignette.
Oh, I think I got it.
I don't know.
Guy.
We don't need VR on that.
Guy, what's that?
VAR.
It's in football now.
They suppose if they don't know about decision,
they'll do the replay on camera,
then the referee will decide.
Oh, that's bloody.
We used to just do it.
They just didn't look and they just didn't look.
They didn't look?
No, well, they wouldn't replay it.
They'd just carry on.
They wouldn't replay it?
That's like, right now.
Yeah, it's fucking mean.
Yeah.
Brilliant.
No.
And Innet.
Isn't it?
Yeah.
Innet.
Yeah.
We've got a lot of that.
Don't know.
Yeah.
Don't know.
Is that considered Cockney or is that the King's Royal English?
No, that's Cockney.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
So the King's Royal English is the English that the elites evolved or the educated people evolved.
Yes, that's...
And the lay people do Cockney?
What's it called?
Is it RP?
I can't remember.
That's the accent.
You know, when you see like downtown abbey, that is, I think it's cool.
Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, you have to do that sort of...
That's the...
Cockney.
Cockney is no.
Cockney is a working class accent.
So it's a status symbol.
Yeah.
Yeah, so like the aristocrats and stuff
will speak in a certain way
and then traditionally it's different now.
So if I talk like this, then I'm up at echelons.
You're posh.
But if I'm not at this mate,
then I'm down here, Cochney.
Yes, yes.
I'm like, I'm like,
and living down, still, working the mines and whatnot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow.
And then below that and no insults you fuckers
because I know you're tough, the Pikes.
Yeah.
And they're bloody, oh, you're going to, you have to be a crime.
The fighting, yeah.
I mean, don't you're, yeah.
Have you seen their videos they make when they call each other out?
No.
Do one.
Pretend I'm a guy.
Jimmy, you fucking think you're a good man.
You're not.
I'd be better man than you.
Come down here, me and you.
That's the sort of thing.
That's just cage.
And there'll be guys like 70.
And I saw one guy and he was dipping his hands in petrol because he thinks it makes them harder.
I don't know what the logic is there.
Petrol.
Yes.
So he dips his hands in petrol.
Do you want to say that word right?
Petrol.
Do you want to say it right?
Come on now, guy.
What do you say?
Petroleum.
Oh, guy, we're in America.
Gas. What, gas?
Just say it right.
For them.
Gas means farce in England.
What?
Gas is farts. If you pass gas, you're farting.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that applies here too.
Okay. Okay.
But people, nobody goes, hey, let's go to the mall and then let's go get a nice fresh tank of petrol.
Like, no.
What do you say? Let's get some gas.
Yeah, gas.
I'd say I need petrol.
Huh?
I'd say I need petrol.
I know, but that's also a large prehistoric bird from the Mesozoic era.
Oh, that one, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
It was the teradactyl, the orchidactal, and the petrol.
Yeah.
And, you know, I'm just picturing you now with your little car stuffing a giant prehistoric bird in your petrol tank.
And that's cruel, guy.
Yeah.
Red.
Not nice.
Do you not like animals?
We've got to get around somehow.
Do you not like animals or what am I picking up on you?
I saw a fucking, what are they called the, uh, the big dogs out here.
A great day?
No, you're wilder.
Oh, a coyote.
Coyote.
I saw them literally run across the road on the way here.
Yeah, they're all over.
Do they attack you?
You know what, they will.
They're not known to hunt humans.
Yeah.
But coyotes are what we call opportunists as are most predators.
and they're pack animals.
So if I'm limping home and I'm drunk and it's dark.
You're susceptible, yeah.
And I've got a bag for the hot dogs.
Yeah.
And if you're wearing a bacon bikini...
Yeah, I'm wearing a bacon g-string.
Yeah, they're very astute at picking up on weaknesses and vulnerabilities.
So normally they won't attack humans, but there are documented cases.
There was a girl in Prince Edward Island in Canada who was a attack.
and killed by a pack of coyote.
Really?
She was jogging on a trail,
had the Walkman on,
and they took her down, killed her.
It happens.
It's rare.
But they will do it.
So what do you think about her
that was like
they saw she was
probably not paying attention?
I feel like she had it coming.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Just I saw a picture of her
and I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mingin.
Well, Australia, there was the dingo
who ate my baby thing.
Oh, that old thing.
That lady got accused of killing her own kid.
And he said it was a dingo and then I would call it case about it.
Here's the thing.
It's one thing to kill a human.
You're how tall?
Almost six feet?
Like six five, six six feet?
Right.
And maybe you sweat a little, maybe now and then we get a little body odor.
Yeah.
But when you're a baby, when you're a little fetus and you're covered with placenta.
Yeah.
To a dingo, that's icing.
Yes.
That's like vanilla frosting.
That's like chocolate.
I mean, I'm surprised if that baby didn't have sprinkles on it.
Like a little cupcake.
Yeah.
Just a little pink feet.
cake.
Yeah, yeah.
Like if you're a dingo, which is here in America, they're called dildos.
Yeah, okay.
And they're not hairy here, but they're still, boy, they get around.
They'll get you.
Some of them running packs.
Mm-hmm.
Pack of dildos.
Yeah.
Pack of dildos.
Yeah.
But, yeah, the little baby, if I'm a dingo and I'm seeing a little placenta blob.
Yeah.
I'm eating.
It's go time.
I mean, would you eat a baby?
If I was a, if I was a dildo, I would, yeah.
If you were a dildo?
Especially with my pack.
Interesting.
Ah, a pack of wild dildos.
Yeah.
You see a baby.
Wasn't it out camping?
The one?
I think it was.
They were camping and I think it took them in the tent.
By the way, do you really want to take a baby camping?
No, it seems a bit ridiculous, isn't it?
Yeah, you don't take a baby camping, rock climbing, or on a roller coaster.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, you know, put your baby on your teat.
Let it suck.
There's no wild animals around your teat.
Just let it suckle.
Baby just want to suck a nipple.
They want aerioli mouth.
Yeah.
They just want to suck that warm milk.
They don't want to get eaten.
Yeah.
They don't want.
And what is the milk in a woman's jug?
Is it 2%?
Is it homo?
Like, do we even know what kind of milk it is?
Is it skim?
I don't know.
Home milk.
Yeah, probably home milk.
Isn't that funny? We've both sucked it.
Yeah, and we don't have a clue.
Do you have any memories of sucking your mother's teat?
I actually don't.
No, do you?
I do.
Yeah, how long ago was it?
I was probably, I think it was about six weeks.
Yeah.
And I...
Yeah.
And I'm sucking away.
Yeah.
And I did what they call clamp mouth.
Yeah.
I got so hungry and thirsty, I wouldn't let go.
And so I'm clam.
stamped onto her nipple like a crayfish onto a minnow trap.
And she couldn't get me off.
So she gets the other jug and starts...
Wacking you.
Slapping me right in the head.
And my skull isn't formed yet.
Yeah.
So if you could slow it down,
it's almost like you could see the breast pushing my skull in
and then it coming back up.
So she's just trying to restrain you from her own...
She's trying to get me off for it.
Because, you know, have you ever heard of this thing
where a baby sucks their mother dry?
No.
Have you ever seen a mummy in a museum?
Yeah.
This was before they knew about dry tit.
Okay.
So all those esophaguses in the museum.
Yeah.
Those aren't, people think they're just people that dried up.
Those are women that were sucked dry by their own children.
Yeah.
So you got like locked jaw, like a pit jaw.
Yeah.
Arioli jaw, it's called.
And did they get that to call in the police to rip you off?
Well, no, they didn't have to because my mother beat me with her giant jug.
And I got one of her aeriola, her aureole one right in my eye.
Yeah.
I had a pink eye.
even though I was pink, my whole body was pink because I was a baby.
Did she breastfeed you again after that?
Or was she just...
She didn't breastfeed me again until I graduated.
At my graduation, she was so proud of me.
Everyone threw those hats up in the air, you know, and she was so she just whipped her shirt open,
grabbed my head, and it was just about to suck, and one of those hats came down and cut her tit off.
Fuck.
Yeah.
Because I suppose she probably said, look, you're an adult now, and I trust you.
Yeah.
You're not going to be like you were 18 years ago when I had to...
beat you off my tit.
What did you say?
What was that last part?
When you had to beat you're off,
you got beaten off that tit.
What's wrong with that?
I'm just going to let that marinate for a minute.
So what about the whole thing in the United Kingdom, okay?
Where you've got delicious foods.
Yes.
You're not always known for having the biggest variety of foods.
Mm-hmm.
But there is one food, red.
that we have to talk about.
Okay.
You're probably not ready for this next segment.
Go on, then.
I love it.
Go on then.
Brilliant.
I love it.
See, just your little sayings.
They're charming.
They sort of seduce me.
Yeah.
You should move to England.
You're not trying to get with me, are you?
No, I'm not, no.
I feel like, because go on, then.
It's very seducto.
And I feel my guard dropping a little.
Yeah.
That's good.
But are you doing it on purpose or is this just me?
I think you're, you know, I don't know.
You're picking up on something.
Try it again.
You're going on then.
Go on then.
You're a sexy fucker.
What was that last part?
I didn't say anything.
Red?
Mm-hmm.
I can do it back.
It's getting hot again, isn't it?
I can do it back.
Yeah?
Let's see.
There you go on then.
Yeah.
So that's good.
You sexy fucker?
I think I did the fucker even bigger than you did.
How was yours?
I did it quiet because I wanted to gaslight you into thinking you were hearing things.
Oh, so you did, you sexy fucker.
Yeah.
And I did you sexy fucker.
Yeah, yours was more out there.
Yeah, I was more over the head.
All right, here we go, buddy.
And you're the only one that can help me with this.
But what in the name of Morgan Freeman's soiled underpants?
are these things.
Crumpets.
You didn't hesitate one second.
You've managed to find the most disgusting looking ones.
They don't usually look like this.
Folks, crumpets.
So if you put this in a toaster,
you have toasters over here?
We got toasters, bro.
Okay, we put this in a toaster.
You put butter or peanut, or both, if you want.
Or jam.
Or jam.
And it's amazing.
Brilliant.
And what it is, these crumpets,
if I can pull one and half,
you can see a cross-section.
It's almost like a honeycomb and a beehive.
Yeah.
It's great.
So all these little holes, you put butter in, it's amazing.
You put butter in.
And the butter sinks in the holes.
Yes.
Did you like them?
And so now you've got like triple the butter if it was just an English muffin.
Yeah.
And these are made out of butter as well.
So it's a, it's probably the worst thing.
It's worse for you than.
Can we just call these death pallets?
Yeah, you may as well smoke a cigarette, really.
What if we just smoked one of these?
Yeah.
Clog your arteries.
But no, these are massive in England.
We have them with tea.
You know what?
Take over again.
You just thought, I'm going to smoke one.
I'm going to smoke one of these.
Okay.
Take it and do it right this time.
I'll be right back.
This is a crumpet.
Yeah, as I was saying, you put butter on it.
You can put peanut butter.
Very tasty.
Good snack.
What would be the American equivalent?
A waffle, possibly.
Oh, here he is.
Thank God.
What do you mean?
Thank God.
You were doing good.
Well, no.
It was.
bad content. No, no, no. Whenever there's a crumpet involved guy, you can't go wrong.
No, no, you can't. I mean, you should know this as a Brit. Here's my saying. Here's my saying.
I have a bumper sticker. When there's a crumpet involved, you can't go wrong, really.
That's a good advert for the crumpet. Yeah, and that's on my back of my car. It's a bumper sticker and I have a tramp stamp.
Yeah, that says crumpet down this way. No, it just says whenever there is a compit involved. Yeah, it's on.
You can't go wrong.
Really?
Ah, God, it went too deep into the breath.
You do eyes that are like British people are stupid.
You position your eyes in that way.
What are you mean then?
We've all had a brain injury.
What you mean?
Yeah, that.
What?
What was that then?
Did you say, uh, to me?
Yeah, that's kind of it.
What you mean, uh?
No, that's the sort of face you're doing.
What?
It's like a bit, yeah.
Me eyes?
Yeah.
What, I'm doing Google eyes then?
Yeah.
What if I do this?
What, I've to give you a bit of crumpet eyes, then, eh?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How you like that, you lie me, bastard?
Hey?
God, man, he's giving me your attitude in the United America.
I'll give you crumpet eyes, mate.
Ow, ah, ah.
Flimsy crumpet.
Yeah.
Do you ever have these?
Yeah, but I want to smoke one.
Yeah, smoke it.
Because you said, you said we should smoke one.
I want to try it.
Any good?
Buttery.
Yeah.
Very buttery.
buttery and holy
holy moly
hang on then mate
don't get pushy hey here in
the United
oh man uh uh uh
hold on red
oh that's lovely
and hold on
a little buttery
any side effects not side effects but a little
little
little winkle of cinnamon
okay oh red
lovely oh that's
buttery mate
Buttery.
A?
You might get a hooked.
I think I'm addicted.
20 crumpet a day, man.
Fucking crumpet addict, mate.
You could suck a crumpet all night long.
You fucking shunit me fucking awful.
Dicted to a fucking shrewson.
I'm a fucking susset.
Fuck a fuck.
Wow.
These things are addictive.
I want to crump it every day, guy.
lose it all for crumpets.
Wow.
But they are weird.
Skid Row.
Skid what?
Sucking people off for crumpets.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
That's when you've hit rock bottom.
Yeah, yeah.
Harlan's back on the crumpets.
Yeah.
He's sotting for crumpets, that one is.
But you know what?
I always thought,
these sort of look like the demented brother
of SpongeBob.
Because you got those weird.
It looks sort of like a hole and a sponge.
It's almost like,
If SpongeBob had a cousin named Tommy who had like Spinal Bifida or something.
Yeah, okay.
It's like Spinal Bifida Tommy.
Mm-hmm. In a way, this could be a cartoon character.
Did you not get these out here at all?
Well, I got one in my end, mate.
Yeah, but I mean, do people not use them?
It's not common.
What's the common thing then?
Now, you have pancakes for breakfast.
You know what it is?
Oddly enough.
And it's right there in the name, English muffins.
Yeah.
But why are they English?
Because we probably invented them.
You invented the muffin?
Yeah.
Pretty broad claim.
I'm sure we invented the muffin.
All right, we invented electricity, aviation and the internet.
Next.
Proud of your little muffin, are you?
Yeah, I am.
Oh, well, we invented the automobile and the movie camera,
and you invented a muffin, did you?
Ah, good on you, mate.
Hey?
Love it.
We invented the microwave.
and you invented a little pastry called the English muffin.
Proud of yourself there.
Yeah, we are.
Ever fly across the ocean on a muffin,
ever illuminate a room on a muffin,
ever send an email on an English muffin, may?
I'll rest me case.
And I also suck a crumpet.
Fuck, I'm addicted to crumpet.
Yeah, it's a real problem.
now. Fuck me, man. Yeah. You've you're a raging crumpet at it. Excuse me. Let me, let me collect
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Going back to George Michael, because you knew I was going to.
Do you like talking about them or not?
It's fine. With you, it's okay.
I feel like, am I maybe dancing around stuff you wanted to talk about?
Is there something that you wanted to get to, and I'm hogging the time with George Michael and muffins?
I'm enjoying talking about George Michael and muffins.
In that song they did, the Christmas song.
Yeah.
If I can, let me get my peepers here.
Was this an injustice?
Oh, those are sunglasses.
There we go.
Was this an injustice?
with George Michael
where was it?
Oh, do you think it's Christmas after all
and he only got,
what was his lines there?
Do you think?
That was for what the Live Aid song?
Yeah, Live Aid.
Do they know it's Christmas in Africa?
It's Christmas after all.
A Christmas time.
And his line was,
but say a prayer, pray for the other ones,
Christmas time.
That's all he sang.
It's outside of like the harmony stuff.
Yeah.
That was his line.
But then how many people were on that song?
Like 50?
Way too many.
Too many.
Like Banana Ramma was there?
Right, yeah.
Shouldn't they be a dairy queen?
It's like Bob Geldof is, you know, do you know him over here?
Oh yeah, Bob Boomb Town rats.
Yeah, he's behind that song.
Also did a friend of mine in the bottom ones.
Really?
I won't go into that.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me.
But I'm thinking, you know, George,
George Michael, he gets these lines, and then what was the line?
Something about this sign.
See if you can help me, Red.
Say it, but say a prayer.
Pray for the other ones.
Who are the other ones?
You made it sound like they were delicious.
No, I think that sounds sinister.
But you went, like you wanted to eat one of the other ones.
No, I went, that's weird that you said that.
Who are they?
Well, yeah.
Who are the other ones?
Remember that show lost?
And why do you have to pray for them?
What's happening to them?
Yeah, what's going on with the other ones?
What are you doing to them?
And when he's singing, why didn't he go,
and let's say a prayer for the other one?
Like, he didn't do the air quotes.
Like, who are the other?
Like, he just sang it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Pray for the other ones.
So what is he saying?
They're going to donate money to Africans,
but we're praying for the other ones.
Right.
So who are they?
Who are they?
The Swiss.
Maybe the Swiss.
and then Bono comes in
and Bono's line
he goes,
tonight thank God it's them
instead of you
like what's
what kind of ill will is that?
Yeah.
Thank God it's them.
It's a sinister undertone to this song.
Like you're raising money for the Biafran
who haven't seen water since
God cried in the fifth millenniae
whatever that means.
And now he's saying thank God
it's them instead of you.
Well, you're sinning.
at home under your Christmas tree,
sipping hot eggnog and a hot toddy.
In a giant mansion.
Yeah.
Thank God it's them and not us.
Not you.
And then these millionaire, billionaire rock stars are going,
thank God it's them.
Yeah.
And then what's this?
When they're singing, they always do,
they do this gentle, thank God.
It's something to do with the, yeah.
It's like, it means, I don't know what it is.
Why do they have to tie?
And it's always the gentle, it's never like,
thank God.
It's always like, thank God.
It's this gentle fairy touch.
You know, when a lot of famous people
to get together and do something
that's not a film, it's a project,
it's always awful, isn't it?
Yeah.
When it's a group thing.
Like the I Take Responsibility video,
that was quite funny.
That was kind of live aid of, you know what I mean?
What was that one?
During Black Lives Matter,
do you don't see there was like 30 actors
just film themselves saying,
I take responsibility,
but they did it in like an acting way.
Oh, the worst.
So it was like, people did dramatic pauses
and then looked up and just said it straight down the camera.
But live aid was,
it did 30 people all in a room go,
Yeah.
Look at how fantastic we are.
Mm-hmm.
I think there was some scandal
because I think a load of the money
just went to like dictators
who bought guns with it and stuff.
Yeah, the money never goes to anyone.
No.
Like the Black Lives Matter money,
where'd that go?
Yeah.
Where'd the live aid money go?
Like the fires here in California,
they're like, where'd all the money go?
Someone did a big like benefit for the, like, millions of dollars
and they're just like, where is it?
Nobody knows.
And did people, my mate was saying me
that insurance only pay C,
60%. So if you lose your house in the fire, you kind of, you know, you get 60%.
Yeah, that's what he said. He said, that's a good result. Yeah. I think a good result in California
is just getting anything done. Yeah. Like just like those people that are in the fires, I think 90% of
them still can't even pull permits to start the reconstruction. Really? Oh yeah, the red tape in
this state. Yeah. Oh, there's so much red tape. You have to go to fucking red cross just to squeeze your
sister zits.
I don't even know what that means.
I got crumpet crumbs.
I got what you were saying.
Yeah. Crumpet crumbs.
You need one of those little hoovers.
That's a need to crumpet crumbs.
Because crumbs is half of crumpet.
Yeah.
So I got crumpet.
That's where it comes from.
I don't know because
Crumpet comes before crumbs, but you don't.
Crum's got a B. Crumpet's got a P.
Yeah.
So.
Fascinating.
It is.
Who's your favorite British comic outside of you?
By the way, folks, just so you know,
Red is one of the top comics,
one of the top acts in the UK,
and he's branching out all over the world.
I want you to check him out on YouTube,
stand-up comedian, hilarious.
How long have you been doing it, Red?
11 years, I think it's 12 this year.
Wow.
He was in May 2014, so 12 this year.
And you're loving it?
Love it.
You're all over YouTube.
YouTube. Yeah. Like you got a lot of stuff out there doing concerts, theaters.
We've got to now, don't we? We just have to put out as much stuff as possible.
I know, buddy, but it's good. You're out there and you're killing it.
People love you. Are you a big star over in the UK? I guess you can't say it right then.
I don't think anyone is because of Instagram. I don't think anyone knows who anyone is anymore.
You know what I mean? It's sort of like, isn't anyone famous anymore?
Like there's people, there's comedians who are doing the O2 that I've never heard of.
The O2s are, you know, an 18,000 CETA.
In the UK?
Yeah, because everyone sort of goes, you become some of the algorithm,
but you're not outside of that.
Yeah, you're right.
It used to be in the 80s and 90s, you'd have four channels.
No one had this guy.
Yeah.
And they were like, these are the eight guys.
You know who they are.
Eight guys, yeah.
It was like Steve Martin and Richard Pryor and George Carlin,
all the famous guys.
And then, yeah, everyone else was just sort of an underling.
Yeah.
You had to pop that glass ceiling, as Hillary would say.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who's your favorite outside of yourself?
Because you've got to love yourself first, my guy.
Yeah, okay.
Right?
So me first.
Number one is you.
Who are the loser?
Who are the comics under you?
Favorite.
I mean, I love John Cleese from Monty Python.
Ricky Jervais.
Ricky Jervais.
Yeah, we got Kevin Bridges is great.
He's from Scotland.
There's good, you know.
There's a show called The Peep Show was great.
I don't know if you got,
that over here. Then get the peep show. Alan Partridge, do you get that? Steve Coogan? That was brilliant.
Yeah. We're not so stand-up. You guys have a way more of a stand-up history because it's been going on
longer here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It started here, right? Yeah, we kind of would do, it would be like you have a
sitcom and then people do live shows, but it wasn't the same as where that stand-up was the end goal. I didn't
feel. Let me throw a name by you. I don't know if you might be ahead of your days.
Yeah. Chris Lyman. Who's that again?
He was a British guy
Oh and he was in
He was a stand-up
Yeah
And very theatrical
And if he's watching
I don't even know if he's still with us
Chris Lyman
Chris Lyman
And this guy
I worked at the fringe festival
In Scotland
Yeah
And this guy would come out
With his hair gelled up
Black eyed line
A very Charlie Chaplin
Ask
And his stand-up was
He'd do a whole skit
With shopping bags
Plastic shopping bags
That were in love
And he'd float them in the air
He'd pull ribbons out of them like they were bleeding their love.
And he did another thing where he came out with an instrument
in one of those sheep music stands.
And his whole bit was he spent six minutes bending and putting up the sheep music stand
and never did a joke.
And then he'd come out and he'd lip-sink in a red dress to Louis Armstrong's.
What a wonderful world.
But while he was doing it, he had a big box of giant chunks of milk chocolate.
He just shoved them in his mouth.
like the crumpet.
Yes.
And he'd sit, he'd lip sing.
And then his final thing, he'd strip down to his nakedness.
He'd stick his tallywacker back between his legs.
And he'd put a full firework in his butt.
Yeah.
And he'd light it.
And he'd walk around on stage to Ethel Merman's,
hurry for hollywood.
And he'd walk back and forth with the fireworks shooting out of his arse.
Yeah.
You never heard of him?
Chris Lyman, no.
Oh, Chris, if you're watching,
I think he knows this.
I told him.
way back when I loved him.
He was so different, so original.
I'll look him out.
His opening line, he'd walk out and he'd just look at the,
and he had this intense gaze.
He'd wear black eyeliner,
and he had sparkling, like, bright blue eyes,
and he'd just stare at the crowd,
and Charlie and his hair, and he just look at the girl,
and go,
and a little rubber frog would fly out of his throat.
And he'd go, excuse me, I'll throw him me throat.
And that was how it started.
And it ended with,
with him parading around her right for hall with a firecracker literally shooting out of his arms.
Was he on TV? Did he go on TV?
He did a few. I think he got on a little bit.
What shows? Do you know?
I couldn't tell you, but man, he was, he was, what a...
You did Edinburgh Friends then?
I did it twice.
Oh, this was probably in the 80s.
Really?
Yeah, the first time I did it, Dave Chappelle was the other act up there.
No way.
This was before Dave really, Dave was getting traction in the States because he was such a young kid.
He was sort of this young, edgy kid.
And so he went over there.
And so he was there the first year I was there.
And then I went over another year.
And I remember meeting, oh, what's his name?
The guy who had the American talk show here, the Scott.
Craig Ferguson.
Oh, Craig Ferguson.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember meeting him, caught him in the back stairway.
He's Scottish.
Having a little toot.
Yeah.
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But, yeah, it was wild time over there, man.
Yeah, you enjoy it?
Yeah, did you ever do it?
I've done it twice as well.
Do you love it?
I didn't in the end.
It became a sort of thing where, like,
I mean, when I first went up, I loved it.
But then when you spend a lot of money,
you can spend thousands on a show.
Yeah, you don't make any money there.
Don't make it.
So if you're losing money and the show's not going that well,
it's a shit month.
And just so you folks know,
the Edinburgh Fringe Festival,
which is an Edinburgh,
Scotland.
Yeah.
They do it every year.
They do it at the end of the summer
at the beginning of the fall then.
And it's a festival.
Well, there's like 600 different acts in the city.
There's more.
There's like 2,000 shows.
Maybe 2,000 shows.
And like everyone, they don't have enough space.
So people are doing them in their,
in their attics,
and in church basements.
The rent goes up 20 times.
People just rent out.
They'll rent out of the cupboard.
The population of the city goes up by a million during the festival.
So landlords actually have the right to kick out their tenants for the three weeks.
I stayed in people's houses who were kicked out.
It's in the paperwork.
Come fringe festival.
We will kick you out and up the rent like to 20-fold.
Yeah, 400 a night for the dog shit room.
crazy.
Yeah, it's really.
Like illegal.
It was really, I mean, the internet's taken most of its power away, but it was a thing where it was like, if you do well there, you know, so there's, it's a weird month where everyone, the first day, everyone's kind of, oh, is this my year?
And then within four days, you know what's going on.
Yeah.
Revisable come out.
And then you just, people's face change.
So you're either the miserable guy, no one wants to be around because you're doing badly or you're the unbearable guy because you're doing well.
and so there's no real.
And Perrier, of all people, the water people, they have an award.
How water people got involved with judging comedy.
They don't sponsor it anymore.
Oh, they don't.
No.
When I was there, it was, if you're the best act there, according to Perrier, the water people
and water's so colorful.
Yeah.
They decide.
They know comedy.
Yeah.
They decided who would be the best act at them.
So the big, the big MO there was to win that.
You got to win that award.
It's now I sponsor it.
Who?
Ice.
Okay, good.
No, it's that award is like, who won it recently?
The baby reindeer, have you seen that show?
No.
Oh, yeah, a big Netflix show about a guy who got stalked.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
With by the big chubby girl.
Yes, yes.
Was that real?
That's real.
And then didn't she sue the guy after the show?
She's going to sue, yeah.
She's going to sue.
The show ended like four years ago.
Well, they're in the court, the process.
So I think she's trying to get, it's like $250 million, which
be funny because if she does get that,
she's been paid more by Netflix than probably
Dave Chappelle. You know, she'll be in Netflix's
highest earner. What's her claim, though, that she...
That it's not true.
Because basically, at the beginning,
it just says a true
story. So, instead of
based on a true story, and so they open it
like that, and she's saying this,
in the show, she goes to prison.
In real life, she didn't go to prison.
And that's what, you know...
So two words based on...
It's going to cost them 250,
If she wins.
That's $150 million a word.
Yeah.
Is that the right math?
No, it's 120.
I don't know.
Honey, let me ask the crumpet.
What's half of $250,000?
Million.
$250 million.
Hang on.
Fuck off.
Cheeky little monkey, eh?
Horrible crumpet.
Cheeky little crumpet.
Cheeky little crumpet, eh?
Every now and then you get a cheek.
Mickey Crumpet.
Yep.
Buddy, what do you want to talk about?
I've hogged this whole time fawning over you.
I'm enjoying listening.
I'm just fawning over you because you're so,
you're such a delight.
What was,
so we're talking about,
so you moved from Canada to here in the 90s.
Yeah.
What was it Hollywood like in the 90s?
Because that seems,
I watch all the,
you know,
you see,
I saw the Charlie Sheen dark and
it's like Nicholas Cage
playing pranks on a plane and everyone was,
it seemed like everyone got away with a lot more than you can now.
Yeah, I mean, Hollywood was still at the phase where it was growing up.
Yeah.
It wasn't, now it feels like it was still finding its footing.
It was still establishing the rules.
Yeah.
But now it feels like it's locked.
You don't do this.
You can't say that.
You can't write about this.
You can't make a movie about that.
You can't behave like this.
Yeah.
But right up until about probably, I'd say, the end of the 90s,
it was still sort of like, hey, it's our, let's bounce around.
around, let's have fun.
You said Russell Crowe would beat up, you know, a secretary at a hotel because he couldn't
use the phone.
Yeah.
He's not the, Chalamay's not headbutting journalists or anything.
I sort of miss that, you know, when I, it was great.
You'd get an actor would have a full-on meltdown, you know, and it was, um, yeah, more fun.
And it was fun because there were, there was a hierarchy of stars.
There was a pecking order and, and I think that's all diminishing.
now due to the internet and reality TV and social media.
There's no, you don't really get the sense that anyone's a big star or a celebrity anymore.
No, no, because everyone is.
It's like there'll be a florist who's got 400,000 Instagram followers, you know?
But let me ask you this.
As a guy who went into the entertainment circle, do you like that?
Do you think that gives you more of leverage, more of a foot into the industry?
What do you mean? What, like the online stuff?
No, just do you feel like, like, if you had jumped in in the 90s,
and it would have been a bit harder because there wasn't as much exposure,
do you like the fact that we live in this environment,
whereas you said anyone can sort of be a star now?
In a way, there's pluses to it that you don't have to wait for producers to say yes to anything.
So you can just make what you want.
Yeah.
You know, you can smoke crumpets on air if you want to now.
Oh, I did.
The wild days.
I did.
I don't know if you noticed, I just did.
Yeah, I know.
It was fucking outrageous.
But, um,
daddy does what daddy needs to do,
even if it involves a dirty, staking, rotten crumpet.
Go ahead, love.
Are you, um, yeah.
What?
It's all right.
I just threw a crumpet.
Don't get all upset about it.
I know I shouldn't man end of the little things.
That's blasphemous in the UK.
Right, they're very delicate.
They're like cows in India in the UK.
Right, but here's the beautiful.
thing about throwing a crumpet, ladies and gentlemen.
You throw an English muffin, it ain't got no sponge.
So when it hits the ground, it's gonna hurt the little bastard.
Yeah.
But when you throw a crumpet, it's all sponge,
it's all full of air pockets, it's gonna land like a baby's head,
landing on a brick of butter on top of Dolly Parton's left ass cheek, eh?
That's what I say, anyhow.
Ooh.
One of my favorite, can I tell you one of my favorite British,
comedy jokes.
Yeah, go on.
Where's my glasses?
He's, I don't know that he's my favorite comedian.
Yeah.
But you might know this guy.
Tell me if you know him.
I love this.
This has always been one of my, what was his name?
Ah, bah, but,
oh, here at Alan Carr.
Yes, yes.
You know him?
Yeah.
Have you met him?
I've never met him, but he's a massive English star.
I saw this guy, this was probably 19 years ago.
Okay.
I saw him at the Montreal Comedy Festival.
Can I do his joke?
Yeah.
Alan, I hope I do it justice, but I just, it's one of those jokes that's always stayed with me.
I love it so much.
And he has a bit more of a cockney accent, too.
Yeah.
His is a little more like, so I'll try and do it and see if you like it.
I went to visit me mate the other day at office building.
He worked in an office building.
I want in the office building, and there's the reception counter right there.
There's a lovely girl sitting at the reception counter.
And behind her there was a sign it said,
you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.
And she'd written it in her own feces.
That's right.
Like, I just fucking love it.
Yeah, he's funny.
He's got, he's like, he's got his own show that's sort of like, I suppose,
English Jimmy Fallon.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, like a chat show?
Chat show.
Well, he hasn't had me on.
Big guests.
He's had, he's had it.
Hang on.
You need to come over and go on.
Trumpet ass.
I just crumpeted them.
Have you been to England much then?
You go a lot.
What?
England.
You know what?
I was there, I think about three years ago.
Yeah, where'd you go?
And I was just there as a tourist, and I just called up.
I didn't know the comedy scene or anything.
So I asked one of my agents in the U.S. here.
I said, you know, they know everybody.
And I said, can you hook me?
So they sent me to the comedy store right downtown.
and that was really cool.
It was packed.
And then they sent me to the show.
I did a show.
I went up and then the next and then later that night or might have been the next night,
I went to this weird little club called Bill Murray's comedy club or something.
I did my first gig there.
It was bizarre.
And I was like,
I was standing in this little tight room and everyone and I just went off.
And they were loving it.
And then I just disappeared.
And that was the last time.
I was there.
Well, you just ran off stage into the night.
Well, I didn't know anyone.
So I did my set and they were like loving it.
And then I just walked out the door and walked back to the hotel.
Where were you staying?
I stayed right down by the river, almost right across from that giant ferris wheel that nobody ever goes on.
No one's ever on it.
It's like the ghost Ferris wheel.
It was a big waste of money.
Yeah, huge Ferris wheel that no one ever goes on.
And if you did get on it, by the time you get up to the top, while everyone else is boarding, you've lost.
half a day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like Ferris was you're supposed to get a, yay,
for two minutes you go in a circular motion.
Yes.
You can do the same thing if you kind of let your drain swallow you.
Mm-hmm.
Except this one, it's so massive.
It's like nine stories high for everyone to get on.
It's like you got to wait nine hours.
It's forget it.
Yeah.
If it breaks as well.
Yeah, it's like a fuck you wheel.
Ferris wheel my ass.
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Do you have a bit right now, like a crazy, a fun bit?
Like, new bits always have a certain energy.
Like they're always fresh and you're still even finding some of the words to a new bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you have a bit now that when you go on stage, like you got your other stuff,
you go, oh, I'm coming up to my new one?
Yeah.
What is it?
Can we hear it?
Would you let us hear it, mate?
One I've actually put out as a clip, but it's fun to do.
Let's hear it.
But I do a fake crowd work clip.
So I will, uh,
basically say I'm shit at crowd work
but people are going viral doing it
and they sell out arenas so I'm not going to do is
I'm filming the gig
I'll just ask an audience member request
and just answer normally because in the clip I'll mute
what you're saying and then lie about it
so it's more interesting I can go viral
and I'll go to a guy and say what's the occasion tonight
before I can answer I go wait it's your 18th birthday
you have autism
and 18 years ago today you're given up for adoption
and I go in the clip it'll say 10 minutes later
and I go what's the occasion tonight
man, and she'll just son before she can, I go, wait, what?
18 years ago today, you gave your autistic son up for adoption?
And I'm like, you know, you've been trying to find him ever since.
And then I go, what do you do for a living, son?
DNA test, Jesus Christ.
And I go to that comedian reunites autistic boy with Cot Cungry Ungrateful Mother.
And it's fun to do because it's different every time.
Yeah, yeah.
And they react, you know, it usually react with work.
I think everyone's seen crowdwork.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what it, you know, they know what I'm doing.
And you control it and it always comes out the way you want it.
Yeah.
Can you, everyone's heard.
I'll go, what's the occasion?
It's like, oh, it's just having a night out.
Wait, what?
It's your 18th.
You know, so it's fun.
You get laughs off that.
I love it.
When you get a new bit, you know how it feels.
It's almost like it's like this burning ember.
You're like, oh, that's the best.
You know, and how long does yours kind of have that glow before it sort of falls into
Depends.
If you're touring by the, you know, by gig 15, I think you're done.
There's bits of like, I've got a new bit where I talk about having daydreaming,
about starting, while I'm with my wife daydreaming,
and starting a life with this complete stranger in a,
in a Starbucks, basically, at the airport.
And we end up moving to France together.
You know, this is while everyone's queuing behind me.
Yeah.
And we have, she has an affair, but she's painting pictures in the garden that she tries to sell,
no one buys them. I work in a pharmaceutical company.
And it's just like we end up having a son who gets hit by a car.
And then it's just this long story about this life I've created myself.
It sounds awful, but it's not, it works live.
I should have just stuck with a crowd work one.
Do you want to do something with the crumpet that's funny just to save it?
There's something.
I think you've done it all with the crumpet.
Put it on your...
Put it on your scar or anything?
I mean, not bad.
Not bad at all.
Not bad.
I think I might have liked it better than the long-winded Starbucks line story.
Like the simple to the point.
Keep it.
Crump it on the scar.
Yeah.
Like easy.
Yeah.
The other one was good, but a lot of setup.
It was too much.
It was a lot.
I shouldn't explain stuff.
It's a lot.
That needs to be seen live.
That's why when someone says, do you have any jokes?
You say no, because it's better.
But even live, I'm worried about it.
You would love it live.
I don't know.
You really would.
Because when I hold it up next to a crumpet on a scar.
Yeah.
No, I think you'd get over the crumpet if you saw it live.
I don't know.
I'm struggling.
Yeah.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I should never have done that.
No, you should have.
I know.
Because I think what we demonstrate today is the art of comedy.
How when something doesn't work.
Yeah.
How you can make it work using a crumpet.
Okay.
Just pull a crumpet out is what you're saying.
what she said.
Oh, you can sing me a song, man?
What you got?
I don't know.
I was just humming.
Have you had a really horrible podcast
where someone's gone like,
stop fucking throwing compits and...
No.
No.
We don't...
You have a famous person
who's not known how to react
or gone like,
Oh, I should...
No.
We don't have bad guests
on the Harland Highway podcast.
That's why you're here.
We only have primo guests.
Yeah.
Wonderful people.
You won me over
in the first 30.
seconds. Yeah. Oh, yeah. When you falsely claimed I called you a moron. Did you really tell?
Now that we're at the end. Now that we're at the end, be honest. I did. I genuinely did not.
You did. I didn't. I said, say moron. Moron.
Got you. Before we go, my guy, talk to me about curry. Sorry, you don't get it here, do you?
Well, there's Indian food, but it's not part of the, like, the Brits have their British food, the peas, the bees, the
beef, the kangaroo, whatever you eat.
Most dinners.
But the other side of the British palate seems to be Indian food.
Yeah.
Talk to me about an experience in curry land.
So, because we don't, we, our Mexican food is shit in England.
Yeah.
But we have curry.
So I think it's the opposite for you.
You've got a great Mexican.
Yeah.
But we only have like Chipotle and stuff.
So when you come here, you actually eat proper, you know, way better.
But we've got brilliant curry.
So that's like a huge British tradition
It's people go and go to big night out
And everyone goes through curry
But it's a great yeah it's amazing
It's an odd it's a bit offsetting as a foreigner
Why?
Because the Brits are sort of white and orderly
And proper and prim
And then here's this exotic
The Indian curry
You have all these exotic scents and stuff
and flavors and then you have the
prim and proper British
and then you've got the curry
that's part that's a small part of England
is prim and proper and the rest is feral
what's that mean well
everyone likes to get we drink loads
you go to any foot you go out
on a day when there's football the tubes are just
full of tubes
thousands of drunk people chanting songs
fighting each other being sick on themselves
the minute the sun comes out
even for 20 minutes we all lose our mind
and everyone just starts down
Do you do that?
Yeah, because we don't get any sun.
Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly?
It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh.
You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go.
You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend.
It's super easy and fun.
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Did you know that pumpkins
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Pick them up on Amazon.com.
The pub culture.
We love it, yeah.
And doesn't it work that the pubs are open from noon till four and then close for an hour
and then open again or something?
No, that'll be in Spain and that's a siesta.
Oh.
We don't do that then.
Because there was a time when I was in London back in the 80s when I was hanging out
with some Brits and the pub like closed for a few hours and then opened again.
Yeah. Does that sound familiar?
No. They might do that in the countryside.
That's what it was.
Oh, yeah. So they'll do that there because they don't get enough customers.
Oh.
There's usually someone running it and they'll go have a break because they don't have employees,
which would be one person.
Okay.
Yeah, but in London, no, not at all.
What kind of fish are they using in the fish and chips?
Fish and chips card, haddock, usually. Those are the big ones.
You don't get fish and chips here either, do you?
It's not as common.
No.
You don't have to rub it in.
Okay.
But you like deep fat-fried food?
It's the same thing.
I wonder, you guys don't pick up on stuff.
Are you mad that we don't have fish and...
I just felt a little sense of vang, hostility.
I was at Venice Beach yesterday,
and I didn't see a single fish and chip place.
And you're angry.
No, I just think you're not treating yourselves.
Well, you're in America.
Now that we know you're angry,
do you want to shoot up a building or shoot someone?
Yes.
Do you want to go on a fish and chips rampage?
I'm going to spree.
Wow.
Until people hear my message.
Fish and chips drive by
Yeah
Wow my god
Yeah
Yeah
Any before we close the door
Any observations on the US
That you're
Because this is your first time here right
I first time it was two years ago
Oh two year
So I went to like
Can't remember how many states
Like 10 15
Oh wow so you've been around
Yeah it was great
My first
So I had to
My visa didn't get stamped in time
So I had to cancel a few
So I got to cancel a few
So I read in San Francisco, Portland, and Seattle.
Oh, God, the Depression states.
Yeah, I flew out on the day.
I had a show in Texas that night.
So my first introduction to the UK was Texas.
To America was Texas.
So it's straight in.
So it was weird.
You know, it was like, get to the hotel.
It says, only guests to the hotel can open carry a gun,
which was a sign on the wall.
And then I think you've got more security.
I think everyone's like more heightened here than in England in terms of like
the fattest person
your fat person is the fattest person
ever, your skinny person is the skinny person
ever, you know, you've got like big extremes.
Yeah, yeah. I love it. I mean, great.
Does the UK still love America, or are they
kind of... The thing is, so I think
is there's both sides of like,
when I meet America's, they'll go,
you get put in prison for a tweet and everyone's
getting stabbed with swords in the streets.
In the UK? Yeah, they say that,
but it doesn't feel like that when you're there. And here,
I thought I was going to come
and it's just going to be like fucking
you're just walking past mass shootings
and ice and you know
yeah but it's like I think people look at it
going what's going on but I mean
England's always we've kind of
we're sort of following on
from you guys in a way in certain things
we always do like
I mean like
weirdly Trump's huge in England
either hated or loved
you know he's there's people are like
we need a Trump in the UK
make England great again
And then there's people who fucking hate him.
Yeah, of course.
But we consume a lot of American stuff, you know,
and so kind of it's always there.
Yeah, I love it.
Like I said, I was just there like two years ago.
And I didn't, it's funny because you're right,
the media portrays chaos in the streets
and London, Britain is lost.
Yeah.
But when I was there, it was very cosmopolitan and nice,
and I was walking around at night.
And I didn't run into any of the propaganda,
saw on social
media. Not that it doesn't exist, but
it's like here.
They probably present you with gangs
and killings and then you get here and you're like
the odds of you running into that are like getting
hit by lightning. You're homeless
and more. Oh yeah.
I don't know if it's different
drugs. Homeless people in London are kind
of more it's like, please
make, you know, like sort of their
plight homeless. Begging, you know.
May I shit on your front porch, please.
May I piss on your. May I piss on
wife, please. Is that all right? Would you mind? Would you mind I have a little squirt of diarrhea
in your baby's carriage? Whereas in the States are just like, you'll just shoot a shit out of
you like a potato gun. Some, like, you feel like really muscular. And you go, well, that's like,
you know, jacked, terminate a homeless guy, you know? Yeah. And I think it's more like,
there's more like schizophrenic. It's like, I was walking in mind this lady yesterday and she kept
like, and I mean, it was following her. No, but she was, it was like, I was she going to
Turn around and flip out, you know.
I think you get that more.
I think you were egging her on.
I was.
I think you wanted it.
Go on.
What was your term?
I won't have a fuck.
What was it?
No, I don't give a fuck.
That was the, yeah.
No, it can't be fucked.
That was it.
Yeah, that's what the homeless people say here a lot.
Can't be fucked.
Can't be fucked.
Yeah, I will not be fucked.
Yeah.
And then the sun goes down and they all get fucked.
Everyone comes out from the hills and descends on.
The hills have fries.
Skid Row. I haven't seen Skid Row.
Is that?
That's in your underpants.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, is that like a city of homeless people then out here?
Skid Row's in downtown Los Angeles.
It's like tent city.
It's like a collective area where it's like, it's almost tribal where all the homeless,
they band together.
Yeah.
Because they're safety in numbers.
They all understand each other's, you know, routines and dilemmas.
And so they pool together and create a community.
Yes.
Which is, if you're one of them,
it's probably good because you have a little bit of an infrastructure,
but from looking in from society in,
it's not healthy and it's sad and it's tragic.
And I don't know that it ever gets resolved
until we become evolved into these greater sentient beings, aliens
that now float and don't need money and currency and jobs.
And one day we'll probably be there.
But as long as we're these sort of mortal humans right now
with our jobs and our rat race,
we're always going to have those things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that got a bit heavy at the end,
like your Starbucks story.
Yeah, yeah.
There, that's what I meant to say.
Crump it on me scar.
I didn't mean you go.
I thought that was a good speech you just did.
I thought it was great.
I don't think you needed the conference.
But they don't get it.
They don't care.
We get it.
They want crumpet on me.
They don't care.
They don't understand it.
This is what they get.
Crump it on me scar.
Love?
A?
Forget.
about all the social ramifications and me meandering on about the strata of society?
How about this then?
Make your life a little bit easier.
Look here.
Crump it on me skull, love.
Crump it on me, oh, what's that?
Crump it on me nuts.
Right then.
Oh, that's spongy and buttery.
Buttery and spongy on me nuts.
and then back to the scar love.
And if you want to do one more before we go, it's up to you.
I can't top what you just done.
I think you've absolutely killed the trumpet.
What if I narrate it?
You're now the crumpet guy.
What if I do one where we do it together?
Okay.
So you'll hold it and then I'll narrate it.
Ready?
Okay, okay.
Crump it on the skull, love.
You got to touch your scar.
Crump it on the scour.
It's really dry.
The other side with the holes.
How long have you had these? How long have you got to do the asshole side?
How long have you had these?
They're fresh.
They're fresh.
Right out of the sea.
Right out of the sea.
How's your crumpet on the scar, love?
I'm asking you a question, love.
How's the crumpet on your scar?
I'm not good with a crumpet.
You're great with a crumpet.
But how did it feel, love?
It felt weird.
I felt like the rightful place is with you.
and I think you're good with the crumpet.
To me, I've never encountered using one of these
is anything but food.
But now you're learning, I am learning, yeah.
That's me, isn't it?
Got you.
Last thing, my friend, Red.
We do this with everyone on the show.
Okay.
Words from a wooden shoe.
You pull out a random word.
See if it triggers a moment from your journey in life,
something that happened to you,
that you saw, something happened to a friend.
See if it lights up a story in your mind.
Farm story.
Farm story.
So I actually lived on an old farm.
There we go.
I was a teen.
And me and my friends, I used to do a thing when we'd get drunk and we'd go out into the woods.
And we'd have to, there was a river.
And I would tell her all my friends that we were now lost and the only way back was
wading through the river.
and we'd all be, I'd give everyone a machete, so we'd all be armed.
It was kind of just a fun night out when you live in the middle of nowhere.
And then we'd get in the, we'd all have a bottle of whiskey.
And we'd roll down the hill in the forest into the river.
And then we'd just have to wade back.
Because I said the only way we can follow back home is by moonlight.
When you have very little to do, that's a great, great night.
Nothing says fun like a bottle of whiskey and 15 teens with machetes, eh?
Yeah, exactly.
All right, love.
Wouldn't want to be a fish that night.
No, or another human being.
No, that would be even worse.
Red, what a treat.
Before we go, will you please tell?
I hope you have, folks, you got to love Red.
I hope you gain a whole bunch of new American fans.
And this goes out all over the world.
So there's people in Bermuda going to love you.
Farhiti.
thing, it's over, I think.
No, you saved it with the crumpet.
Okay, okay.
That's why they're going to love you.
I will put that out as a clip.
I'll send it to you.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
When it was done.
Oh, you got to set in a crumpet clip.
Everyone loves a good crumpet clip, mate.
But before we go, please tell the whole world where they can see you, your social media,
your stand up, where they can find you.
You got to go see Red, my friends.
Go to Red Richardson Comedy on Instagram and YouTube and TikTok as well.
I don't use Twitter anymore.
Well, that's because it doesn't exist.
Yeah, in X, whatever.
That's just now like, it's create chaos on there.
It's a lot of people on X watching.
Might not appreciate that.
Remember how I just got your whole bunch of new listeners?
Well.
You just lost them.
Okay.
Ouch, lesson learned here in America.
Don't fuck around guy.
Okay.
Folks, Red Richardson on the Harle,
Highway
podcast
follow this guy
see him
go to his shows
follow him on social media
he's probably
the hottest
breakout crumpet star
of the 21st century
that's it for today gang
thanks for being here
and until next time
chicken chow main
and of course
Crumpit on the Scar love
