The Harland Highway - REDBAN aka Fun Gus is a bonafide Superhero and the Where's Waldo of modern media! Redbaaaaaaaaaan!!!

Episode Date: January 27, 2026

This episode is sponsored by Mando, Hims, Kalshi, and Mars Men -Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code [HARLANDHIGHWA...Y] shopmando.com at Mandopodcast.com/[HARLANDHIGHWAY]! #mandopod -For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off FOR LIFE, Free Shipping, AND 3 Free Gifts at Mars Men at Mengotomars.com - Click the link http://kalshi.com/r/harland or download the Kalshi App and use code HARLAND to sign up and trade today! - To get simple, online access to personalized, affordable care for ED, Hair Loss, Weight Loss, and more, visit Hims.com/harland Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Brian Redban: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/redban/?hl=en X: https://x.com/redban?lang=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MrRedban/ #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, gang, don't forget to subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast. Your subscription matters. Just take a second, hit that subscribe button, and it really helps us out. Also, towards the end of today's show, you're going to see a little tiny commercial for my new books that are out called The Things You Don't Know You Don't Know, Volume 1 and 2, humor, funny, silly. Check out the little ad towards the end of the show. And now, without further a doo-doo, let's go-go-go. Oh, my God, stick your tongue out. Is it?
Starting point is 00:00:34 Oh, my God. Oh, it's from the fungus? Dude, no, it's green. Are you serious? Oh, my God, it's pure green. Oh, God, I got to look at this. Oh, my God. You look like you were rimming Shrek.
Starting point is 00:00:46 Oh, my God. Yeah. Tune into the Harley Highway. Holly Williams, that's a good dude. Just pulling words from a wood show. You got me dying laughing on a Tuesday. Because there's not much else that I could do. You're ready for a fun day.
Starting point is 00:01:10 On the way to work her back to my place. Your phone's on SOS? Isn't it weird SOS means save our souls? Does it? Oh, does. Did you know that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. SOS means save our souls.
Starting point is 00:01:48 I feel like we should be on SOS 24. 7 in Los Angeles. But then again, does anyone have a soul anymore? True. Who knows? Shouldn't it just maybe in modern day world, it should be save our shit, because everyone's so materialistic.
Starting point is 00:02:06 Yeah. It's like, no one's like, help, save my spiriology, save my soul. That's like, yeah, that's like old war type stuff. Yeah, it's more like, help, there's a hurricane, save my flat screen. Watch out dragon, you know, or something like that. Yeah. Save my Porsche. Buddy, welcome to the show.
Starting point is 00:02:27 Let me hit the theme music. Folks, welcome to the Halle Highway podcast. Super special guest here today. Red Band is here. How are you, guy? Good, man. Are you pumped up or what? So pumped up.
Starting point is 00:02:44 Are you jacked or pumped up? I'm both. Jacked off earlier, pumped it up. Wait, what happened earlier? You know, normal hotel stuff, you know. Like, you know, find the lotion. Oh, wow. Moisturized.
Starting point is 00:02:59 You did that today? Yeah, a lot of moisturries. Is that why you have that grin on your face? Yeah. It's got all over my face. You know. You're all, you. You are jacked up.
Starting point is 00:03:09 Yeah. Wow, bro. Well, welcome to the pod, my guy. Thank you. And I wanted to start with your name. Yeah. Because Red Band. Yeah. Talk to me about the origin of the.
Starting point is 00:03:21 that name. It's not real. My last name is, it's a Reichel. Reichel. Yeah. And, wow. I mean, in LA, I say Rochelli, because I'm German. I'm German Irish. So I'm Rishelli out here. Rishelli's really nice. That's almost like Parisian French. Right. Yeah. Monsieur Rischelli, a table for Tois is ready at the Olive Garden. Yeah, yeah. Rikol, or like, that's our Lichol is not, is, oh, wow. Yeah, that's why I'm Rischelli out here. Richelly. Wow. That's fancy. Yeah. Redband, though, was my old AOL screen name. I think it was like Red Band 420 or something like that. Yeah. AOL.com? When the internet started. You've got mail. Instant message. Remember that? I always thought it would be funny if that voice had to announce everything.
Starting point is 00:04:11 Like you went to the doctor, you've got leukemia. You've got AIDS. You've got rectal cancer. Yeah, who is that guy? That guy was a person. It was? Yeah, I guess that sort of predated the robot voices, right? Yeah, so that guy, it's probably like the Saturday Night Live guy, he just never said anything. Yeah, right. He made some extra cash or something. I wonder if he's, like, if that happens to him, like if he ever gets sick? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:04:37 And the doctor just goes in, he's like, I got to do it. You've got rectal cancer. And he's like, wait, what? He's like, I had to do it. You know, you almost have to with that guy. Yeah, yeah, definitely, especially back then. Yeah, you got to do it. But your name to me, like whenever I hear it, buddy, like when we first met,
Starting point is 00:04:58 red band to me sounds like a superhero. Does it? Like, it sounds like one of the X-Men. Yeah. Like, you know, Red Band. Yeah. It's not just, you just can't say it without me. Me personally, it conjures up imagery of you fighting crime, like stopping crime.
Starting point is 00:05:16 That's cool. like doing good things. I was a projectionist at a movie theater and so the movie Meat Wally Sparks came out and this was back in the day when I used to have to put the movies together
Starting point is 00:05:30 you know splice them together and all that shit and we got a trailer for Meet Wally Sparks and it had this red band around it and I've never seen it before because most of them were green and it says red band trailer
Starting point is 00:05:43 and I'm like what the hell is that and it was like the first time I had ever scene and I had 10 years of projectionists and it was a restricted trailer that had like nudity in it or cussing. Oh wow. And I was like, I like that. Red band. That's a good thing. So when in AOL, I was like, that's my nickname. Yeah. Red band, 420 though because they're like weed. But, because you have nudity and cussing in you. Exactly. Like a lot of it. Right. Like do you want to do, can we hear a swear word? Fudge, no. I can't do this right now. No, I can't. But you're
Starting point is 00:06:14 red band. You're full of nudity and cussing. Right. Can we have one at least? You got to live up to your name. Click. Okay. And now can we see some nudity, please? There we go. And so I went with Red Band 420 was my name.
Starting point is 00:06:30 Yeah. And I always was. And then when Rogan hired me back in the day, he used to call it. I used to do like websites. And I did like Doug Stanope's website and Joe's website and all this stuff. Yeah. And I just had a website called Red Band. And then when I started doing comedy, Rogan's like,
Starting point is 00:06:46 you keep talking red band keep talking we got red band here he's stopping crime and he's full of nudity and he cusses like you is now I've got it I was like how do you stop crime
Starting point is 00:07:01 you're like hey fucking asshole stop or I'll show you my balls because you're full of cussing of nudity that's right red band look the tie gap on me though right dude oh it doesn't end there my guy
Starting point is 00:07:15 Hang on. Ready? Oh, dude. Is that real or is that AI? That was great. Dude, you don't need to know. You're a superhero. You're getting nude and you're swearing. That's fucking awesome.
Starting point is 00:08:12 You stop. Put down that bag of money, you fucking whore. I'll show you my ass. Because you swear and you're nude. Yep. Bro, I love it. That's a cool name. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:25 Like every day, you don't know this, but since we met every day, time I say your name or see you, that's what's playing in my head. Awesome. Like, you're elevated way above everyone else I know in the comedy game guy. You're like, I see you prowling the streets and now half nude. I've been swearing at nuns and stuff. What?
Starting point is 00:08:49 Yeah, well, you're full of swears, you said. Jeez, what, she was. I'm being such a Rochelli right now. I'm sorry. Can it be Italian too? It could be kind of. It's sort of French Italian, even Portuguese. It is.
Starting point is 00:09:03 Recelli. Or even East Indian, maybe. Fundander, Richelie. Recelli. Rizeli, come and get the rice bags and the donkey. Right? I guess so, yeah. I think you could do both.
Starting point is 00:09:17 I think you could go almost any language. So you were an editor? You started out as an editor, Red Band? I went to college. I was like one of the first people that I ever did web design. Like the first year they had class, like, this is this new thing called the internet. Yeah. And so I did that.
Starting point is 00:09:33 And then, so I was like one of the few people that knew how to do web design. Then that came into video editing. And I used to just help out. Like, I love Doug Stanope and Rogue. And so I just like offered like, can I make you a website? I know how to do that. Yeah. And then I was really good at taking videos and compressing them down so that you could download them over modems before YouTube.
Starting point is 00:09:52 And I was really good at that. And so then. How did you know how to do it though? I just was a, I'm just a dork. You were just like a computer geek. Yeah, I was just always a dork. But in that moment, which is sort of pioneering to a degree, if I'm being honest, did you foresee the future of said, like, kind of nerdy technology you were dabbling in?
Starting point is 00:10:14 Not to the point. I mean, a little bit. The biggest problem I had back in the day wasn't of, it was mostly just speed of the internet. Yeah. You know, we used to go 33K mode. And then it was 56K modem. Oh, my God. There was DSL.
Starting point is 00:10:31 I'm like, woo, you want to hear my first experience with downloading on the internet? It was AOL. And back in the day, I did this movie with Molly Shannon and Will Farrell called Superstar. I love that movie, yes.
Starting point is 00:10:45 And it was the first movie I had done where they put a trailer out on the internet. Oh, wow. And my managers said, you know, click this thing, and you can watch it. And I clicked it, and it took three.
Starting point is 00:10:57 three days to do a two-minute trailer. Oh, yeah. And I was just like, what the hell is? I thought it was a goof, but now it's like, boom. Yeah, there was the times also where you'd do that for three days just to download a porn. You had to be horny. You were thinking about how horny you'd be in three days, you know?
Starting point is 00:11:14 Right. And you would download, and it was like, oh, she has a dick. Oh, no. Yeah, you waited three days for a hottie and it was a guy. Right, yeah. Oh, God, that's called lunchbag letdown. How horrible was that? Even just a JPEG where you're just sitting like, oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:11:29 Yeah. Yeah. Oh, she has a shirt off. Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah. Wow. Unbelievable.
Starting point is 00:11:35 Yeah. What a disappointment. Yeah. Now it's like you can just do AI. Like I went Kanye with big tits and a juicy ass. You know, and then like, Kanye? Yeah, you know, you can do anything. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:11:45 Yeah. Wow. So you started in editing. Yeah. And then you worked for Joe Rogan at the beginning. Yeah. So it still actually worked for Joe. I'm still,
Starting point is 00:11:54 it's still his number one employer. You are? Yeah. How do you mean? So like Jamie, like I'm actually, yeah, yeah, anytime Jamie's sick or, you know, his producer. Yeah. I'm going to jump in, you know, right? Oh, wow.
Starting point is 00:12:08 I jumped in during COVID. That's how I ended up in Texas because Jamie got COVID and they had like Connie West. They had all these like big people. Yeah. And for two weeks, Jamie couldn't be there. So I came in from L.A. was there for two weeks and I was so bored for two weeks that I was just like, you know, I'm gonna just look
Starting point is 00:12:29 at some houses, you know? I've been saving up thinking about getting a house here in L.A., but the cheapest I could find is like a million dollars for a shack. Go out there and I found this house for like $450,000 and had like five bedrooms, two studios, like, you know, five car garage. So I was like, I didn't even tell anybody. I didn't even tell my girl. Yeah. I just
Starting point is 00:12:49 I was like, applied, got to approve, bought it, came back, and I'm like, hey Tony, I don't know. I'm going to move. Maybe you want to move to Texas also with me? So you moved before Tony did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, you're sort of a pioneer.
Starting point is 00:13:04 Because you were early on with Joe, who was a pioneer. So you're part of that pioneer. And then you sort of got involved with your mom's house with Tom Segura as well, right? I know something you might not know. The Carlsman Siva video. I filmed and edited that.
Starting point is 00:13:18 The what? The Carlsoncia video. Oh, the where Joe got went into it. That was me that filmed and edited that whole thing. Well, that's a very pivotal video because it sort of is what began the change to a degree in the comedy industry, really. Yeah. It sort of started to move the players around. It started to move the narrative around.
Starting point is 00:13:42 And it sort of started to move the art form around in terms of who's doing what and people paying attention and the concept of joke thievery and stuff like that. No one knew about that before. I only knew because I would, at the time, I was following Joe around with a camera and filming everything you would do. And then everyone would always talk like, man, Carlos stole another joke of mine. And it was like, wow, how's he getting away with this? Wow. He's the number one show on Comedy Central.
Starting point is 00:14:08 That's how he's getting away with it. Yeah. And then one day I was just like, that happened. And I went home that night, like two in the morning, edited to about 9 a.m. That whole video. Wow. And uploaded it, went to bed, woke up. and it was like 3 million.
Starting point is 00:14:23 It's like TMZ. Why? I'm Corolla. It's like, I want to interview on my radio show. What? Yeah. Hey, gang.
Starting point is 00:14:33 This next segment of the podcast is sponsored by Calci. Yes, indeed. The U.S.'s largest prediction market. Calci allows users to trade event contracts peer to peer rather than betting against a sports book. This thing's available. nationwide, including California and good old Texas. Download CalShe and use code Harlan to get $10 when you deposit. Yeah, it's Super Bowl time. There's always games running. There's all kinds of things going on in life. And we got these graphics here. Take a look at this. All about the payouts and the
Starting point is 00:15:15 markets and get in there with CalShe and download the Calci app and use Code Harlan to sign up and trade today. So, okay, so now I'm going to expand on what I just said. Not only were you sort of pivotal in sort of the transformation of the comedy world, especially out of L.A., you were sort of pivotal in the beginning origins of sort of viral videos on the internet. Absolutely. Did yours predate the Michael Richards video?
Starting point is 00:15:52 or was Michael Richards first? I don't remember. Because those two were probably the biggest comedy ones. I want to say Michael Richards was first because right after I made that video, we all got banned for the comedy store. You did? Yeah, and I remember I actually talked to Michael the night. He did that, all that stuff.
Starting point is 00:16:15 Whoa. And he was on one. He was being crazy. He was with this girl. And I remember calling Joe. I'm like, dude, I just talked to him. Michael Richards. He's out of control right now. Wow. And he went down the street to the lap factory and that's when that video happened.
Starting point is 00:16:28 Wow, you didn't film the Michael Richards video. No, no, no. I wish I did because I love that word, you know. But wait. The Michael Richard or the M word, Michael? Michael, yeah. When did you, how did you ever approach Joe Rogan though, who was sort of a big comedy guy? So, yeah, back in the day, I would, I think I reached out to first Doug Stanope. And I was like, hey, Doug, let me make you a website. Let me help you out any way I can.
Starting point is 00:16:52 and so I started doing stuff. Joe saw, because he was doing the man show, I think, at the time or something. He saw what I was doing to Doug. Right. And then I started doing Joe's website and admin stuff. And I used to be on charge of his website and all that stuff. Then one day he just called me up. It's like, what do you do for a living?
Starting point is 00:17:06 I'm like, I work at Gateway Computers. He's like, you want to move it and just work for me? I'm like, fuck yeah, get me out of Ohio. Wow. What an interesting, like, train of events. Yeah. Yeah. So I was very lucky.
Starting point is 00:17:19 And the luck was just weird, too, because when I worked at Gateway, way I was like, you know, I need to, I talk to my general manager. I'm like, I have something I need to tell you. And I was going to put my two week notice in. Actually, I need to tell you something. We're going out of business. Here's your severance package. It's $10,000.
Starting point is 00:17:33 I'm like, he's like, what do you want to talk about? I'm like, oh, nothing. I just, yeah. Wow, you just were like, you don't need to know. See you. I'm moving on to better things. Yeah, yeah. So, well, what's interesting is then you go on to obviously get immersed in the Kill Tony
Starting point is 00:17:48 world. Yeah. So, yeah, when to, I started doing Joe. podcast. Yeah. So when we started Joe's podcast, I had to like teach myself how to do audio stuff because I never, they didn't sell these kind of microphones and stuff easily. Yeah, it was all crappy and it was really expensive too. Right. It's for musicians too. No one's doing podcast. And so then I started doing that and that blew up almost overnight, you know. Wow. And so then I started going like all of Joe's friends like Tom Zaguerra and stuff. I'm like, hey, Ari Sheffir. I'm like, let me start you a park. Let me do a podcast with you. Like, and I used to do at one point like 11 podcast. Damn. Yeah. You're sort of like the Where's Waldo of comedy.
Starting point is 00:18:28 Because if we trace back in chronological order, the evolution of comedy kind of since the AOL digital age, there's you like peeking out from behind a microphone. There's you peeking out from behind Joe Rogan. There's you lurching out from behind a monitor. Like you're the where's Waldo. If you type in Joe. Rogan Baugh face, B-A-H-face. That's exactly what I used to do. Let me type that in, right?
Starting point is 00:18:58 Yeah, just type in Rogan Ba-Face or Red Band Ba-Face. But my favorite thing to do is Joe actually wanted me to do this. Anytime somebody wanted to take a photo, I would sit in the back of them, just go, like that in the back, and probably did it 20,000 times. Whoa, you are the WERS. Let me type that in. Let's see. Okay. Where's Waldo Podcast Red Bandb.
Starting point is 00:19:31 Don't torch you. Dude, that's, after all this information, you do have to have your own song. You are a superhero. You're like a podcast, internet,
Starting point is 00:19:45 superhero guy. There's more to you than nudity and gutting. All right, so I, I love it that you started as an editor because that's not easy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:19:55 Editing's like a true art form. I still do it. Kill Tony. I still edit every... You edit every episode of Kiltoni? Yeah, that's what I'm doing right now. That's what I was doing at my hotel room before I came over. I thought you said you were masturbating.
Starting point is 00:20:06 No, I mean, I was doing it while I masturbate. How can't you? Oh, so you do the M word while you edit Kiltone. Yes, yes. No wonder it's so good. I like the thin pitches. Wow. All right, then let's do this.
Starting point is 00:20:19 You pick a random topic. I'm a professional podcast host. I can make any topic work. We'll talk about it for just a, few minutes, and then I'm going to hand it off to you, and you're going to edit just that section for the show. Okay. So we'll be able to see your, we'll see the difference between master editing and what happens here at the Hall of Highway podcast. So pick any topic, guy. Do you, uh, wiping standing or sitting down? Uh, when you go to the bathroom?
Starting point is 00:20:51 Uh, gosh, I kind of like to, I'm sort of, have you ever heard of Cirque de Soleil? I kind of like to stand on the back of the toilet on one leg and then reach down, it's almost like a game of twister, reach down to the roll, spin it like a cat, let it fly, see what I get, and then sort of twist my legs around. I'm sort of doing Pilates yoga and Cirque de Soleil when I wipe. So I would edit this and I would be sitting down.
Starting point is 00:21:22 Okay. That would be it. That's your answer. No, mine's standing, actually. What do you mean? Yeah, I don't sit down and wipe. That's what girls do, isn't it? No, no, no, no, no, no.
Starting point is 00:21:32 Do girls sit and wipe? No, girls do everything sitting down. But they don't stand to wipe? I mean, some girls do stand to wipe. But you stand? I am one of the weirdos. Like, look, I've done many polls on this. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:45 And it's almost 50-50. A little bit more. It's more, actually, about 60, 40 people sit down more than standing up. But the standers don't get the sitters, and the sitters don't get the standards. It's very... I'm going to say, I don't think it's very masculine to sit down...
Starting point is 00:22:02 Oh, you're a stander. Oh, yeah. I told you, I stand on the back of the... Thank God. But picture a... Okay, picture a lumberjack. Sitting down, he just produces a log. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:14 You think he's going to sit and wipe? That's what I'm saying. You think a stunt man from a Tom Cruise movie is going to sit and wipe his calamari ring? I agree. And no, people go off on me of that. And so I tried.
Starting point is 00:22:26 Have you tried to do the... No. I tried for like a day. Oh God. It's like you're going like this. I'm like, no, you got to get in there and clean their shit out. I mean, with bidets, it's a lot easier nowadays, but... Wait, so you, because I've never done it, the technique is I thought you would have to reach under from the front, but you went in from the back?
Starting point is 00:22:45 You went through the front because you don't want to scrape that on your balls. Oh, right. You'll get a skid mark down the back of your balls. What's that called? Is that called skid balls? It's a... Is that a new term? Ballute bag.
Starting point is 00:22:57 Ballute bag. Ballute bag? Wow. I don't even know. It sounds like a new species of whale. The balloon bag. Every fin it drills through the Arctic Ocean and avoids the polar bears. Wow.
Starting point is 00:23:12 You can smell it coming a mile away. It's the only whale with a dirty blowhole. Wait, so, okay, so you reach behind. What I was told, because I've had people show me, like you kind of go like that and you like lift your butt up and you but that just seems crazy what do you mean people show you what you took a class no like I because when I people find out that I'm a standard yeah they get really upset at me and I'm like so then I go what do you how do you do it and you're like he's like you really is you just go like that and I'm like no oh no can you picture
Starting point is 00:23:43 Chuck Ladell the ice man sitting down and wiping his arse joey diaz can you imagine Joey Diaz? He'd lose a hand. He'd that we get stuck in there. God, dude. I just put the paper towels on the bathtub and I skate my ass back. I could picture like Brian Boy Tano or Barry Manilow, like being a sitter.
Starting point is 00:24:08 Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, I hate to say, but it's too dainty. If you want to be a man, listen here, folks. If you want to be a man, if you want to be a tough guy, Clint Eastwood doesn't sit on the, the toilet, drop off the kids, and sit down and wipe. I think he actually shits over a log. I don't even think he uses a toilet. He's too tough. Glenn Eastwood probably goes out into the woods,
Starting point is 00:24:34 sits over a log, lets it rip. Probably doesn't even wipe. Probably just pulls up his pants, goes, get the hell off my lot. Right? Like some guys, have you ever not wiped? I mean, I've wiped and it was like, what the hell happened here? Like, you know, you know what I mean? I've had ghost shit. before. Wait, what's a ghost ship? You're like, there's nothing? Oh, it came out so clean? Yeah, you smell and you lick it and it's just lick it too. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, that is clean. I mean, but yeah, that's always weird, right? Yeah, it's just sort of like, just like doesn't even leave a, like a baby skin. Yeah, it makes me wonder if like that only happens if you had some kind, like, remember those wax, sodas, like they're like candy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, wax pops or whatever. Yeah, yeah. If you eat that,
Starting point is 00:25:23 you know, before every meal, and they kind of like just wax your poop. It would lube you. Yeah. Like the WD-40 for the colon. Yeah. Oh, wow. I love the smell of WD-40.
Starting point is 00:25:34 You do? Do you? Yeah, it is kind of interesting. Do you like stuff like, is there certain things like gasoline? I love the smell of gasoline. WD-40. Love the smell of gas.
Starting point is 00:25:43 I love the smell of, and I can do it right now if you want to hit. Oh, yeah, dude. Sharpie. That's the good stuff. Oh, dude. I have a, get in there. Have a hit.
Starting point is 00:25:54 See, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, I love the smell of gasoline. What else do I love the smell of? Do you have a cat? No. Okay. No, I'm not. We're in the same wheelhouse. You're saying cat.
Starting point is 00:26:13 No, I just didn't know if you ever watched a cat smell like something like a butt or something. They do that cat phase where they like, like they get mad? Like they lock up? They like, like they glitch out. They just go like that. If you ever look on the internet, just type in, I forget what it's called like cat smell face.
Starting point is 00:26:35 I don't know. Cat ass sniff. Yeah. So like if you like hit your ass and then put it in the cat, you'll go like, you're going to go, God. It's the weirdest thing.
Starting point is 00:26:43 It looks like the cowardly lion from Wizard of Oz. Slurp it up, my guy. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So that whole segment. you're going to edit that whole segment. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:01 Yeah. Okay. Brought to you by Red Band. Okay. Yeah. Hey guys, you want to feel energized again but want something that's natural, feels right, and easy to use. Mars men. Not men from Mars.
Starting point is 00:27:19 Mars men, everybody. This helps your body unlock usable testosterone so you can feel like yourself again. Your body makes testosterone, but a lot of you. a lot of it gets locked up and can't be used. There's protein called SHBG that basically handcuffs your testosterone. So try this. Mars, man. It's not like drinking a cup of coffee.
Starting point is 00:27:46 It's steadier. It's got this sense of drive that it gives you throughout the day. Coffee kind of gives you the jolt, but Mars Men just kind of keeps you rolling through the day. For a limited time, our listeners get 50% off for life plus free shipping and three free gifts at men go to mars.com. It's a perfect way to kick off the new year strong. That's men go to mars.com for 50% off and three free gifts at your checkout. After you purchase, they will ask you where you heard about them.
Starting point is 00:28:25 and please support the show and tell them the Harland Highway sent you. That's Mars Man. Get gone. Feel great. Mars Man. What's the craziest thing?
Starting point is 00:28:46 Sorry, that was an accident. You meant to do that. What's the nuttyest thing in all the stuff you've done? Has there ever been like a place where you got to a place where it was like a lawsuit or anything like crazy, like, from Kill Tony or... The Carlos and Messia stuff almost became a lot.
Starting point is 00:29:04 He threatened... Oh, he did? Yeah, because I had a whole second part of that video that I was... I only made it that part because it was like 9 in the morning and I couldn't stay awake. So I was like, all right, here's part one. And then I had a whole second part that was even crazier where, like, the whole audience that was like, nah, nah, nah, no, no, goodbye. You know, like trying to get Carlos offstage and...
Starting point is 00:29:24 There was a whole second part I was going to edit. But then he threatened lawsuits. and then YouTube, you threaten YouTube, and then YouTube banned all my YouTube channels and stuff. Wow, because of that? Yeah, and then we got banned from the Polly, sure banned us, like Mitzie, the owner of the comedy scene the time. She didn't have a problem with Joe or any of that.
Starting point is 00:29:46 And then Pauly was the one that got mad and banned us. Really? Yeah, so it's funny that we're all friends now with Paul. Oh, wow. And that night when Joe walked on stage with Carlos, was there ever a moment where it looked like, because I feel like it got so intense, it almost came to like blows.
Starting point is 00:30:08 It was just Joe yelling and his muscles mostly. Yeah. But, yeah, you know, it was never, it was never like that. Yeah. Plus, they've known each other for so long, you know, that it was more like just, it was bound to happen eventually type thing. And have the seas calmed since all that?
Starting point is 00:30:27 Like, do you think, not, I'm not going to say who's right or wrong, but do you think Carlos has suffered enough from that? Oh, yeah. I feel actually very sad about it now for him. Because I still watch, you know, if you watch his blogs, it's like, oh, God. You know, and anytime like a comedy club goes like, Carlos Monsere, this weekend, it's literally 20 people going, you know, going off on him about stealing and shit like that.
Starting point is 00:30:53 So I do think it's, uh, it's sad and I, you know, I hope he, I hope that ends eventually. Yeah. And, uh, but then, you know, you hear things like, um, when I used to do a lot of, at the ice house when I lived in. Yeah. Uh, because I had my studio there, my Desquod studio and stuff. Oh, wow. He would, uh, do shows there once in a while, and I would ask, I would ask the, you know, uh, how was the Carla show? And like, the sound guy one time goes, it was great, except that he stole like Tasha's, like three of Tasha's jokes from his special. Wow.
Starting point is 00:31:28 Wow. So he's still doing it. So it was legit. Oh, it was all legit. Yeah. For sure, dude. Interesting. It was for sure.
Starting point is 00:31:35 I knew so many of his openers that, you know, like he would bring people on the road. And then they would all tell me, yeah, he just takes all my jokes. He took their stuff. Picks and chooses what he wants from their stuff. And was there any ever resolution with him and Joe, or is that still a sharp edge between them? Or does Joe just not even care anymore? Joe does. I don't think he even cares. I think he's like me.
Starting point is 00:31:54 He just, you know, we don't just don't care anymore. Yeah. And we hope. I mean, I really do hope everything. I hope he doesn't steal anymore. Yeah. And I hope that. I mean, it seems, you know, he's working Kimmel's.
Starting point is 00:32:06 Like, he has like a residency at Kimmel's club, I guess. Well, I think in fairness, it's, you know, every, I believe, I'm a big guy that believes in forgiveness. Me too. Me too. And, but also, he is, if it's all true, he is the victim of the victim of his own actions as well. So he has to rectify with himself and make it right and make sure he's not doing that, which I don't know if he is or not, because I don't follow him. But hopefully he's
Starting point is 00:32:31 learned from it and moved on and he can go on and everyone can go on. I agree. You don't like to see somebody, they should be called out for their improprieties, but I don't think they should have to carry that cross forever if it's not something as big as like murder or something violent. Me too. Me too. So hopefully everything's, you know, settles down. Wow. I agree. I feel really sad about it sometimes. Yeah, it's not a good thing to see. But again, he has to accept, everyone has to accept what they put out in the world.
Starting point is 00:33:07 I have a horrible lawsuit going right now. Maybe you can talk me through it, but I'm having, I have a lawsuit with General Mills. Oh, God. With Lucky Charms. Have you ever heard of this cereal? Yeah, of course. Let me show you what's going on, my guy. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:33:26 You know Lucky Charms, right? Sanino, yeah. Yeah, that's Santino. Andrew Santino is the Lucky Charms Lepricon. I didn't realize that. Yeah, you didn't know that? That's him. But here's the deal.
Starting point is 00:33:41 So these guys, you've had Lucky Charms, right? One of my favorites. One of your favorites, right? Who doesn't love it? But Dan, look at this. Let me read something before I dump these. out. So here it is. Listen to this.
Starting point is 00:33:55 Lucky Charms features eight main marshmallow shapes. Heart, stars, horseshoes, clovers, blue moons, unicorns, rainbows, and red balloons. Red band.
Starting point is 00:34:13 Oh, my God, over your iPad, dude. Like, what the heck? That's just... Dude. Pick any one of those up. See if you've,
Starting point is 00:34:25 Pick up any one of those. What is that? It's a, what? Oh, it's a rainbow. Oh, and then look at this one. Here, this looks like, look at the size different. It's like a rainbow on chemo.
Starting point is 00:34:38 Wow. Like, look at that. That is. What is this? What is that shape? What is that shape? Like, what is this? This looks like a kidney or a spleen.
Starting point is 00:34:56 Or, I don't know, is that an AIDS scab? Oh, God, yes. Like, what is this stuff? What's this? That is nothing. That is... Like, that's like melanoma.
Starting point is 00:35:09 What is this? The non-marsh mall thing. Well, this is... Is this a fish? That's a fish. Yeah, that's a Christian fish. That's a Christian fish. That's a Christian when it's Jesus fish.
Starting point is 00:35:20 Wow. Like, what's this thing? So here's the thing. I'm suing them for false misrepresentation. When I eat my lucky charms, I want my hearts, my diamonds, my blue rainbows,
Starting point is 00:35:38 and I'm getting this looks like a ghost shit. Right. This is supposed to be a heart. Yeah. That's just a circle. Yeah. And then you're right. What's with these ones?
Starting point is 00:35:48 This is almost like, this is almost like an experiment in DUI. This is like a racial experiment. They advertise all the colorful ones, and then all the whitties, the white ones just float around in the milk. Yeah. And the colored ones get all the attention.
Starting point is 00:36:08 They get all the billing. It's like a social experiment in a bowl, red band. It is. And then we just get to sit there and eat like a society where we celebrate all the colorfuls and the just whitey floats around. plain, boring, uneventful.
Starting point is 00:36:33 So I'm a deep in a lawsuit guy. You're going to make some money, I think, on this. You think? Yeah, yeah, this is an easy win for you. What's your go-to cereal, my guy? Well, I will say, if you are a fan of these, you know you could buy like a 10-pound bag of just the marshmallows on his side. Lucky Charmer marshmallows, just the marshmallows.
Starting point is 00:36:54 My favorite is... Come on, hold on, hold on. Dude, just the dye in these alone. I know. If you ate a 10-pound bag of these with all that's dye, you would die. Yeah. You would die from the die. Yep.
Starting point is 00:37:08 Like, look at that. When God made us, Red Band, he made the human organism to ingest celery and cows and apples and and pomegranates. He didn't create us to ingest blue number four. 5B12 X27. He didn't want us to consume green 28-59-620. Like, dude, there's enough dye in there to paint the Statue of Liberty. Dude, oh, easy.
Starting point is 00:37:43 You're going to die on that die now. You're going to die. You like? It's weird without milk, though, isn't it? It feels like a burnt marshmallow. Yeah. It's like a ghost shit. Yeah. It's like foamy. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:38:01 That's like you can't eat cereal without milk. Yeah. Who does it? That's crazy. Or water. There's people that do the water. They put water on cereal? Yeah. Oh. The Dutch?
Starting point is 00:38:15 What's your go-to cereal, my guy? I just found a new one the other day. It was, was it golden grams? Strawberry golden grams. I think it was something like that. But it's amazing. It is? Yeah, it, maybe it wasn't golden grams.
Starting point is 00:38:30 What's the other one that's like, uh, fuck. But it is, fuck grams? Fuck grams. Oh, those sound good. Uh, either that or, you know, I like, I like the base, I like the old mini wheat. Remember the old mini wheat? Oh, you didn't like the big ones? You like the mini ones?
Starting point is 00:38:46 Yeah, the mini frosted mini weights. So here's the, here's the dilemma. Yeah. They had the regular mini wheat. Mm-hmm. and then they got the mini-meany-weets. You pour out the regular mini-weets. You're still eating the same mass.
Starting point is 00:39:02 You're part of a bowl of the mini-mini-weets. It's still the same mass. So what the fucks with the mini? Because I'll tell you why. Because when you have the big mini-weets, you know, once you get halfway through the bowl and, you know, they've collected so much milk. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:16 You got that big one you put in your mouth. They just gushes in your mouth. It's kind of a gross sensation. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's too much. It was like they're like the tampons of breakfast cereal. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:39:26 Thank God they didn't make strawberry mini-weets. I think they did. With string. With wings. You just sit there and they fly into your mouth. Good God. I didn't think we could beat the Skidmark conversation, but I think we just did. Oh, God, I love it.
Starting point is 00:39:50 Well, speaking of names, my guy, How would you feel if your name was Gus? Gus? Yeah. That's short for gustitude or something. What's Gus? Just Gus. It's just a name.
Starting point is 00:40:04 I don't know. I think I wouldn't mind it. You wouldn't mind it. It's all right. Gus. So if I were to sit here and call you Gus, would that be okay? Sure. And if I said, do you want to have some fun, Gus?
Starting point is 00:40:20 Yeah. Would that be cool? We had some fun gas. Oh, yeah. Okay, you said it. Here's some fungus. Oh, God. Oh, is this don't?
Starting point is 00:40:32 Dude, this is fungus, my guy. Is this from your outside? This is real fungus from the wilderness. Fungus. Don't eat it. It's turned. You ever seen such a wild fungus? And that one has grass all over it.
Starting point is 00:40:50 That looks like something's shit. shit and it grew out of it. Like that might just be poop, dude. That's a giant fungus guy. That is crazy. Isn't that fungus? Wow. What do you think?
Starting point is 00:41:00 What's your take on fungus guy? I can't wait to do some in Hawaii next week. Oh, you think you get high off of that? You might, you might die and get high too. Did you just eat a piece? Just a little. Why would you do that?
Starting point is 00:41:16 I wanted to see what's the good stuff. But there's, there's magic. I've never heard of magic fungus. Yeah, yeah. You just literally took a... What do you think mushrooms are? It's fungus.
Starting point is 00:41:31 Right. How do you feel? So far, it's all right. How much did you eat? Just like a nickel, quarter size. I don't know. That's wild.
Starting point is 00:41:40 Try it. That's wild fungus. Isn't it poison? No, it's good for your immune system. You should do stuff like that. I lick door knobs before I leave the airport bathrooms. You know, that's why I never get sick. There's a lot of fungus there.
Starting point is 00:41:52 Yeah. Look at that, though. It looks like a human ear. Looks like the ear of a giant. That is, it does. What's the smell? Smell. Yeah, it smells sort of earthy.
Starting point is 00:42:04 Sort of skin-marky. That's why it might just be coyote shit. Do you know there's over like almost five million species of fungus? And maybe even more. Yeah. They say there could be like a hundred million possibly. It's pretty disgusting. do they? And you're going to eat that cereal later too?
Starting point is 00:42:25 No, no. I just want it. I feel like a lot of podcasts, they don't have a, they don't have a solid conversation about fungus. Well, Gus likes talking about fungus. Yeah. And it's weird how, you know, grass is growing out of it. Yeah, that one has grass. Look at it. It's like grassy fungus.
Starting point is 00:42:45 But that, well, the other one doesn't have it. But is there anything you want to say about fungus at all? I mean, I know it's a... I would like to, you know, I used to take things like this and, you know, fungus and just like get it wet, you know, like wash them off and see what they look like, you know, wet and like, you know, rehydrate them. Yeah. Yeah. Hey, gentlemen. ED doesn't necessarily mean your love life is over.
Starting point is 00:43:13 It might mean it's just getting started. Let me talk about hymns. Yeah, hymns, personalized treatment options to help you take back control. and spontaneity thanks to daily meds. Hymns offers access to ED treatment options raising from personalized products to trusted generics that cost 95% less than brand names. If prescribed, Hymns brings expert care
Starting point is 00:43:42 straight to you with 100% online access to personalized treatments that put your goals first. To get simple online access to personalize access to personalized affordable care for ED, hair loss, weight loss, and more, visit Hymns.com slash Harland. That's Hymns.com slash Harlan for your free online visit. Hymns.com slash Harland. Featured products include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness, or quality. Prescription required. See website for details, restrictions, and important safety information.
Starting point is 00:44:27 Actual price will depend on product and subscription plan. So get going. He, hymns, hymns. Wait, you would take fungus into your home and wash it? Yeah. Can you imagine if you moisture, you know, get that a little moist and wet, what's going to be like? But what, what's the point?
Starting point is 00:44:52 Look at it. It's kind of cool. You think it looks cool. now. I know, but why would you moisten it? Just to clean it off. And then what? Put it in your living room.
Starting point is 00:45:03 It's like a little art piece. Okay. Dude, that dudge look fucking crazy, though. Look at that. Yeah. They say that fungus, and this is something I don't understand. Maybe, are you a science guy? Sure.
Starting point is 00:45:18 They say that fungus has like 50 or 60% of human DNA in it. Really? How is that a thing? Like, is that like you go on Ancestry.com and congratulations, your great uncle's a mushroom in Switzerland? Like, how does that have our DNA? I mean, I know a couple guys that kind of looks like. I mean, I get it that chimpanzees have, you know, apes have our DNA.
Starting point is 00:45:50 But how does a piece of fungus, my guy? I don't know. Well, aren't we like 98% water? 98%? I think we're just awkward. I'm going to start wearing a life preserver. Holy God. Wow.
Starting point is 00:46:06 Now I'm scared of drowning. Oh, my God. Stick your tongue out. Is it? Oh, my God. Oh, it's from the fungus? Dude, no, it's green. Oh, it is the fungus.
Starting point is 00:46:16 Dude, can you do a kundalinga? Oh, my God. It's pure green. Let's see how you do kongas. No, full tongue. No, I don't want to. Dude, it's green. No.
Starting point is 00:46:28 Oh, my God. You look like you were rimming Shrek. Dude. My favorite is, like, you put your finger in there and tickle the cauliflower thing, you know? What? You know, and you go, rah, rahr, and you just, what? You go in. Into the girl.
Starting point is 00:46:44 Oh, into the girl. Okay. Into the girl. And you play with the little cauliflower thing. A woman. What's the cauliflower thing? Is she a vegetarian? I don't like that big, like, little brain type thing that feels like.
Starting point is 00:46:55 Oh, the membrane inside the membrane on the vaginal wall. Yeah, that big bubble ball. Yeah, okay. Just kind of go like that. Yeah. And then you blow real hard into the little hole at the top. Like it's a flute or something? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:47:10 Does it whistle? It makes the ball go big. It makes what? It makes the ball get bigger. What ball? The cauliflower. Inside. Yes.
Starting point is 00:47:18 How do you know? Try it. You can feel it or you can see it. It starts getting really big. The more you blow it. So you know, they're very top. Yeah. While you're doing that,
Starting point is 00:47:28 you feel it growing inside. I also did that at my last birthday cake, by the way. I mean, now I don't want to age. Do you make a wish on it? You can wish on a clit. Is that what you're telling me to do? You can put a piece of grass right and make it whistle, too. Oh, my God.
Starting point is 00:47:47 Wait, now, this is your discovery. Yeah. Have you communicated with the, the girl and asked her what it does for her in terms of stimulation. Is it pleasurable? No, they don't usually stick around to tell me. They get out of there pretty fast. Wait.
Starting point is 00:48:05 I think it's just too cool for them. And they went to tell other friends and they run. But is it supposed to enhance their pleasure? I think so, yeah. I mean, that's what I thought it did. I mean. But you don't know? I don't know because they always run away fast after it happens.
Starting point is 00:48:18 So you're doing this whole thing. Yeah, this whole thing for them. And then. Which, by the way, looks like you're summoning someone at a party. You, come here, hey. You work at TSA, hey, come here, is this your bag? Yeah. Is this your cauliflower?
Starting point is 00:48:31 Hey. Dude, that's weird. I've never heard that one. Yeah. Another thing that I think girls like is you put a little Alka-Seltzer in there before you go down there. They love that. What? Yeah.
Starting point is 00:48:43 Into the big hole, yeah, yeah. The vaginal. Yeah, the, yeah. That reminds me of that thing. You know, when guys put the Mentos in the Coke bottle and it blows up? Is that what it does? Kind of like that. Like if they start shaking, will they just like spray across the room?
Starting point is 00:49:00 Wow, that's a. And you know, there's like little dinosaurs you could buy for like your kids. Oh, yeah. And they grow in water. They're like mini sponges. Yeah. Sometimes when you're in there, just put a couple in there and don't tell her. So you're literally sitting here telling me to pleasure your woman.
Starting point is 00:49:15 Put a stegosaurus in her vagina. Put a brontosaurus up her, you know what? Put a T-Rex in her. Wow, dude, you are Jurassic fucking park, bro. You know, it's cool. It's so funny because sometimes it takes a day or two until it starts really cruel. And then they're like, oh, my God, there's like, stegosaurus in me. Oh, man, what if you're talking and all of a sudden a brontosaurus just comes out of her?
Starting point is 00:49:41 Like the neck comes out like alien. Dude, your tongue is ridiculous. You got to look in your camera. You can see it. Oh, you don't. Oh, my God. Wow. Wow. You literally look like you've been like licking Shrek's girlfriend.
Starting point is 00:49:57 God. She's so nice. Is she? Wow. But wait, you're married now, right? I'm engaged. You're engaged. So now you can't do all your little experiments on the girls. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:50:11 Because I'm talking about, you know, when I was younger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. And how long have you been engaged, my guy? Two years? Wow. the guy's finally settling down, huh? Yeah, we're not in a rush. We both hate all that stuff.
Starting point is 00:50:28 Like, one day we'll probably just go to the courthouse and then throw parties. Oh, you don't want to do the whole rigamarole? Nah. I think you'll have kids, little red bands? No, I don't want. You don't want kids? Not really. Oh.
Starting point is 00:50:40 Oh, my God, there's a worm right here. There's a worm. Oh, my God. It's like a millipede or something. like bugs crawling out of the fungus. Yeah, give it some lucky charms. Yeah, he likes that. So cut, not to cut you up, but cut to this, okay?
Starting point is 00:50:57 Okay. You're one of the lowest forms of creature in the animal kingdom. You're a slug, you're a millipede, you're a little lowly grub that lives in the first layer of the earth's crust. Your whole life you've been eating microbes and bacteria and spores. nothing, nothing delectable. And all of a sudden one day you wake up and you're sitting in front of a lucky charms rainbow and tell me you're not the luckiest little grub
Starting point is 00:51:31 on planet Earth. Yeah, give them the rainbow, bro. Wow. That's crazy. That's freaking wild, bro. Wow, he's enjoying it. Is he climbing right onto it? He's licking it.
Starting point is 00:51:45 He's licking it. Yeah. Oh, now he's climbing. on it. Oh, he's having a good time. That is fucking nasty, dude. I want to, I gotta see this. It looks like a nine-inch nail music video. Look at it. Right there. Oh, he's actually on it. Yeah. Oh, I gotta put this up to the camera. Buddy, that's a millipede on a Lucky Charms rainbow. What? You want to name him? Jeff. Let's call him Jeff. Jeff. That's crazy.
Starting point is 00:52:29 Makes me wonder how many more are in these fungus. I mean, you probably have worms everywhere now. Let's look at the underbelly of the fungus. Oh, God. Oh, now it's got Lucky Charms growing on it. Lucky Charms fungus, bro. And to think you ate a piece of this. I want to eat this one with Jeff on it.
Starting point is 00:52:58 Wow. That's fucking creepy, dude. That's a first. Speaking of, you know, how I love your name and I call you like Red Band and you got your own theme song and everything. What, have you ever been involved in a real crime? Like, have you ever had to stop a crime or been involved in like a real, like something happened? I got mugged in Burbank of all places outside of dimples, which is... Dimples, the karaoke place?
Starting point is 00:53:34 Yeah. Well, first of all, what? were you singing. Do you remember? Yeah, my, my drunk song is, I'm a creep, you know, creep my radio head. And then I was there at the time with my girl. Yeah. We had just coming out dimples. And Burbank, if anyone knows, like the crime rape is zero. Zero. They don't even let homeless people there because all the studios, they shoe them away and stuff. Yeah. And I came out with my girl and we were walking to my car and this guy just popped out of nowhere. And he had a fake black guy, fake beard, gray beard.
Starting point is 00:54:08 And he was very tall. He looked like a black guy with a gray beard. Yeah, he looked like a black wizard. Wow. Maybe it was Uncle Ben. You know the guy on the rice box? Yeah, yeah. That sounds like him.
Starting point is 00:54:17 Yeah. And he put a huge gun too, right on my chest. Like, give me your fucking water. He had a gun? Yeah, dude. He put it right in my chest. And then, uh... Dude.
Starting point is 00:54:26 And then I gave it to him. And then he goes, give me your purse to the girl. And she's like, I'm going to give me my purse. I'm like, there's a fucking gun in my chest. Just gave him a little. She's like, no. And I'm like, what do you do? And he just grabs it.
Starting point is 00:54:39 And he goes, is this your car? And I'm like, yeah. And he's like, open the car, lay on your stomach. And don't look me in the face. And so then we opened up. Holy shit. I laid in the back seat on my stomach. She laid her back, like execution style pretty much.
Starting point is 00:54:51 Whoa. And then she laid on her back instead of her stomach. And he's like, he puts his gun back in my back of my chest. It's like, tell your bitch to lay on her fucking stomach. And then she, I was so. pissed off. Are you sure this wasn't Afghanistan? I know.
Starting point is 00:55:08 And then, uh, then you slammed the door and ran, uh, and took off and, uh, and it fucked me up, though,
Starting point is 00:55:14 for like, yeah, six months, I had PTSD. Like, like, I swear to God, anytime I saw,
Starting point is 00:55:19 like, a old black man, I was like, like, like, it's crazy. Imagine if someone served your uncle Ben's right.
Starting point is 00:55:25 I know. Dude. Is it bothering you that I even brought the memory up? No, no, no, it, it,
Starting point is 00:55:32 fun, episode, Kevin Smith was on, Joe Rogan podcast. Yeah. And this is when I was still the co-host, a JRE. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:39 And Joe was like, I need to take a shit. And so he went and took a shit. Sometimes that's how he used to do the JRE back. Okay. And it was just me and Kevin. And that was the day after it happened. Like,
Starting point is 00:55:49 it happened that night last night. Whoa. And so I was like, and I was like, you want to hear what happened to me last night? So that was, that was like the rawliest moment ever because I hadn't even talked about it yet. That's terrifying.
Starting point is 00:56:02 Yeah. Yeah. But let me ask you, this, what was part of the response that psychologically traumatized you, was it also the fact that you were there with your woman? And you felt that kind of like, wow, I'm helpless. Because he's got a gun, he takes away every piece of power, every machoness, every super, every red band. He took that away from you. Yeah. And it also made me up really upset because she didn't understand. understand the seriousness of it.
Starting point is 00:56:37 Yeah. I had a gun in my bag. That's weird. Yeah. Did you talk about that after? Like, hey, wrong protocol, baby. Oh, yeah. Your $12 purse from the mall isn't worth my life, honeybunds.
Starting point is 00:56:50 Oh, no. It, we didn't last much longer after that. Oh, so this isn't the one you're with now. No, no, no, no. I wouldn't know, no. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's sort of, talk about the ultimate of masculation.
Starting point is 00:57:03 Yeah. Like what you could be Chuck Liddell You could be You could be Lou Farigno You could be Arnold's right When someone puts a gun to your chest In front of your woman Yeah
Starting point is 00:57:13 You can never look like the hero Yeah especially when she was just not Just do what he's saying You know like Yeah If he shot me You know Just because you know
Starting point is 00:57:23 Wow dude That's terrifying It was very terrifying It was crazy like A month later It was Halloween And all my friends I had a lot of friends
Starting point is 00:57:33 or have a lot of friends that work for South Park. And they had like a yearly South Park party, you know, like Tray and Matt. And I dressed up as the guy that robbed me. I was a black wizard. Wow. Wow. I had two guns. Wow.
Starting point is 00:57:46 I'll send you a photo later. I had two guns. And I, it was blackface, I guess, but I was a wizard. Yeah. And you were working from a place of trauma. Yeah, yeah. You weren't in your own. And it was weird because when I became that, it was just like, it did freak me out.
Starting point is 00:58:00 Like, I'd like look at myself in the mirror. It's scared. Wow. Well, that'll never ever happen to you again. You know why? Why? Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm going to tell you why. Here we go. Nobody going to mess with red band. Get away. You get your Uncle Ben's rice and you get your 45 caliber and you get the hell out of Burbank because Red Band is into it. I got to join you. Your tongue. You have no idea. Now your teeth are green. Are you serious? Oh, God, I got to look at this. I want to join you.
Starting point is 00:58:54 Oh, my God. Yeah. It's insane. It looks like you spent the night in a gay bar with a jolly green giant. Like, something's going on. I just had two marshmallows. I'm going to join you. I'm not going to have my guests sit here and look like he rimmed Shrack and make him feel like a fool.
Starting point is 00:59:12 Oh, Kermie. Oh, right there. Yeah, right there. Oh, right in the last. lily pad hole. Oh, yeah. That's it. Round and round in little circles.
Starting point is 00:59:25 Wow. I love you. Dude, I'm not going to leave you hanging. I can't wait to see if yours. What if yours doesn't do it? Not as much as mine, though. Maybe it takes a minute. Did you have two?
Starting point is 00:59:41 I did one of the rainbow ones also. Oh, yeah, the rainbow. Oh, don't do the one with the worm on. Oh, my God. Oh my God. What was his name, Danny? What was his name? Jeff.
Starting point is 00:59:54 I just swallowed Jeff. Oh, my God. Do you know the Heimlich maneuver? I just swallowed Jeff. Oh, that's the worst. I feel so bad. Are you okay? Oh, I'm sorry.
Starting point is 01:00:11 I'm so sorry. You'll see him when you're standing up doing your circ delay. God, you wipe your butt and a centipede comes out. Ooh, have you ever seen a dog that has worms when they shit? Oh, God. I've seen a cat, yeah.
Starting point is 01:00:26 Oh, it's disgusting. It looks like rice pudding that came alive. It's like you ate acid and you're looking at poop. Yeah, yeah. Tapioca movement. Okay, so it's a new year you left all that trash and garbage behind. But here's something I want you to bring into the new year. You've seen me show you this stuff before.
Starting point is 01:00:52 Mando. Oh, yeah. Mando odor and sweat control. Holy smokes. This is whole body deodorant. Safety use anywhere. You can use it down on your little friend. You can use it under your arms.
Starting point is 01:01:06 You can use it on your butt crack. Your whole body wants to be mandowed. So get going with it, guys. Some men mask their B-O with scents. But mando-men get the job done right. Don't mask it. Mando it. Available in retailers near you.
Starting point is 01:01:24 or head to shopmando.com because for a limited time, new customers get 20% off sitewide with our exclusive code. Use code Harland Highway at shopmando.com for 20% off sitewide and, of course, free shipping. S-H-O-P-M-A-N-D-O dot com. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Mando's got you covered with deodorant plus sweat control, say goodbye to sweat stains, and hello to long-lasting freshness. Mammam-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mando. All right, look. Oh, yeah, there we go. That's crazy.
Starting point is 01:02:15 Yours is blue. It is? Yeah. Maybe I was rimming a smurf. Smurf that. Matches your shirt, though. It does. Thanks, Jeff.
Starting point is 01:02:33 It's a spring collection from Jeff. I like how you're doing the gay boys. He was crawling on a rainbow, so I guess that works. Hi, I'm Jeff. I just came up from under the fungus, and I'm going to be crawling on the rainbow later, and then someone's going to swallow me. I can't wait to get to that pooper.
Starting point is 01:02:53 I hope he wiped me standing. Actually thinning down, really. think of it. Oh, God. God, dude. I feel ill. I thought the fungus would make us sick, but I just feel ill. It's probably like black mold. Yeah, we're probably got spores. We got, what if the, like some lung infection coming? What if the only thing protecting us is these toxic dyes, like just by fluke, we, they happen to eat the right thing that would kill the spores. Oh, God, I just want to have sex with a smurf or one of those avatar creatures. I'm into that.
Starting point is 01:03:34 I'm into that avatar stuff. Buddy, before we go, we have a final segment we do with all our guests. And then after we do that, I want you to plug anything you want to plug. Red band's got a lot going on. But our final segment we do, buddy, it's called Words from a Wooden Show. Nice. Authentic Dutch clock, random words inside. You reach in and see if it, um,
Starting point is 01:03:58 triggers a story from your fabulous journey in life. Could be something you did, a friend did, just something triggers a story. What is it? Road rage. Oh, here we go. Wow, as if the robbery of Burbank wasn't enough. Now what do we got?
Starting point is 01:04:16 Road rage. Whoa. Well, the first thing I thought of, it wasn't really road rage, but it has to do with the road rage. road. Okay. What is it?
Starting point is 01:04:30 It's kind of fucked up story. There we go. So when I was working at that movie theater doing the projection stuff. Yeah. How old were you when you did that? Like 27, 28.
Starting point is 01:04:42 And it was like an independent movie theater. Oh, they're the best. I had like bleached white hair. It looked like sick boy from train spotting. Billy Idol in the projection booth. Right. And I had a staff of college girls. You know, that all worked as well.
Starting point is 01:04:54 Oh, dude. But I remember wean, my favorite band Wean, I released a new album. And I smoked some weed and I put it on. And I was driving to work and I was on the highway, listening for the first time listening. I was going, this album's awesome. And I'm just driving, going like 75 miles an hour.
Starting point is 01:05:11 And then I see this guy on the side of the road holding a pipe. And he's running. And I'm like, why is that guy on the highway with a pipe? And then I look ahead and the car in front of me. I'm like two cars behind them or whatever, like space wise. Yeah. And I see another guy standing in the middle of high and going, ah, and the car in front of me hits him going about 70 miles an hour.
Starting point is 01:05:36 And he hits the windshield, flies over that car, flies over my car. His shoe flies off and lands in my passenger side of my car. Oh. So I go, ah! And I pulled over and it pulled over. And I guess the guy was working on the road and they had dropped, or a bridge, and they had dropped a pipe on the construction worker, and so they went to try to get the pipe off the highway
Starting point is 01:06:01 before anyone hit it. So I slam him on the brakes. The guy in front of me slams on the brake come out, the guy's just laying there, and his brain's just pouring out of his stuff. Oh, no. And then all these construction workers come down, and they're like, oh, no, and they point at me,
Starting point is 01:06:17 and I'm wearing, like, my shirt and tie, because I'm a manager of a movie. Like, give me your shirt. We need to wrap his head up. And I'm like, it's out of, it's, it's out of his, outside of his head. Oh.
Starting point is 01:06:28 I'm like like, now I was just thinking that going, uh, and then one of the other guys goes, oh, do it, you know,
Starting point is 01:06:33 and they wrap his head off. And, uh, and then, you know, the news came and the police and the guy obviously passed. And then,
Starting point is 01:06:41 uh, I was late to work. Yeah. An hour. And then when they, the guy that hit him was a Mexican guy. Yeah. And he just tried,
Starting point is 01:06:51 he was trying to, he was crying and trying to hug me and hold me. And I'm just sitting on that hood of my car like, oh my God, what was going on? And they had a helicopter news, and they zoomed in. And there I'm just like, like, what the hell? And there's Mexican guys trying to hug me. And I'm just like pushing him off me.
Starting point is 01:07:05 Wow. And I was on the news. And like, it was. That's got to be weird. Like if your wife's sitting at home and it's like, there's my husband being coddled by a Mexican guy with some brain spilling out on the floor. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's bizarre, dude.
Starting point is 01:07:23 Yeah. It was crazy. You've got a lot of these traumas in your life. That's not easy scene. That reminds me of the scene from Lord of the Flies when Piggy, they push Piggy off the rock. And William Golding described Piggy's brains, his head opening up in his brains,
Starting point is 01:07:41 floating out into the scene. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's almost the same scene except on the 405 or wherever you were. Yeah. It was messed up because that was the first time I saw somebody die. And also, the first time I ever saw just gore like that. I mean, it was...
Starting point is 01:07:57 I would guess you probably got back in your car and put your foot on the gas, but it wasn't your foot, it was his. Oh, and that's another thing. I opened up to it. The first thing I did was like, ah, and I just like, get that out of me. The guy's shoe.
Starting point is 01:08:12 Like, dude. I forgot about that. Like, that's just horrible. It freaked me out because I thought it was his foot. Yeah. Yeah. Wow, man. I bet I can do a whole show discussing your traumas.
Starting point is 01:08:25 Oh, yeah, I've got like a hundred more. Okay, we've got to have you back. Last thing, though, because when we first met out in Austin, speaking of shirts, I have a feeling you designed that shirt you're wearing right now, right? Yeah, it's one of my shirts, yeah. Like, it's such good art design. Thanks, man. Like, I remember you gave me, you sent me like six of your shirts.
Starting point is 01:08:45 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're fabulous. Thanks, man. Tell me a little bit quickly about your art design history. So, yeah, I started a company a long time ago called Shop Squad and Death Squad. Yeah. And I made shirts just to pay for like Tom Sergura's podcast and Ari Shafirs, you know. Because I funded all those myself, you know.
Starting point is 01:09:06 Where's Waldo again? So, yeah, that's why I sell shirts. I used to be to pay for all those podcasts I was doing and stuff. But they're great designs. Yeah, I do a lot of them. Now my fiancé, she has been. doing them now. Wow. Like the last two of them. Where can our viewers find them? All my stuff is at death squad.tv, like death squad.tv or shop squad. TV, but there are all the links is at
Starting point is 01:09:33 death squad. What else is there besides your artwork? Is it on shirts? Can they get it on mugs? Yeah, we have hats. No, I'm not right. I have hats. I have mugs. Like different colored mugs we do. Yeah. We have jackets. And yeah, I'm always like doing new stuff like here and there. Like we had patches and stickers and stickers and fidget spinners at one point. You should just have one shoe. One shoe, yeah. You should sell tongue candy now.
Starting point is 01:10:02 You could have a different tongue candy. Hey everybody, Harland here. My brand new books are out. The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know. Volumes 1 and 2, if you need a laugh, it's full of things you don't know. Did you know that pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.
Starting point is 01:10:21 Did you know that rhinoceroses are just big fat, white trash unicorns? It's all there in volumes one and two. Pick them up on Amazon.com. And then outside of that, Red Band, tell us where they can find your social media, where they can find any of your upcoming projects. Yeah, everything is Red Band, R-E-D-B-A-N on Instagram, Twitter,
Starting point is 01:10:43 deathsquad.com. Also, I have a fake band. What? Yeah, I've always written music, and I used to make my own music back and sing and all that stuff. But I have a horrible voice and I never liked singing. I hate hearing myself. So now I still write all the music and then I'll make beats and then have AI sing it.
Starting point is 01:11:04 And so I have a fake band called Cat Bread and it's just a hot woman singing. And I have a bunch of videos. I got one that's called VCR that's all about movies in the 90s. And I scanned my girlfriend's face. And I put her in it and stuff. and it's a rock video. It's, it's,
Starting point is 01:11:20 it's, I'm gonna say rock, but it's, yeah, it's a video. Cool, man, you're like a super resourceful artist guy. Yeah, yeah,
Starting point is 01:11:28 so I'm just trying to learn how to do that now, like, because I think that's one of the, I'm always trying to learn anything that's new, like AI and stuff. I love that.
Starting point is 01:11:36 AI music I'm really addicted to because it gets, I get to do something. You are? This is surprising me because it's actually Batman's, uh, music in the back.
Starting point is 01:11:49 buddy i love it so you're one of these guys that really embraces the ai stuff coming in yeah i'm excited by it yeah everyone's like oh my god a i'm like bring it show me what you can do yeah let's let's go to the next level who cares if it takes jobs it's going to create new ones that's right and if it takes jobs it was meant to that's part of the human journey oh and it's still like like just making like i'm making a song right now and it's taking me, I'm like on month two, because that's how much detail I'm going into like tweaking things, changing things, stuff like that. So it's still, you need, it just makes it. Yeah, for now. It's a tool. For now. I think eventually it's going to weed us out. But we're humans.
Starting point is 01:12:43 Like we will, we're like cockroaches. I hate to say the analogy. We're like your buddy Fred. Yeah. We will always find new openings and doorways and channels to go into it. And as much as you sit here and again, go, oh my God. is taking over. Well, that's what they said about the internet and look where we are. And in 30 years,
Starting point is 01:13:01 they're going to go, remember AI, and we'll be on to the next thing. Yep. And we're all just kind of taking steps into this place we're supposed to go,
Starting point is 01:13:10 our destiny. Wow, that was a bit too deep. For two guys with a blue and green tongue, that ain't right. Yeah, but check out Cap Red 7 on iTunes and Spotify and all that stuff.
Starting point is 01:13:22 Yeah, check this man out. He's very artistic. He's got a lot of things going on that you're going to love folks. And you're doing stand-up too, right? Doing stand-up, I'll be in San Diego soon, doing shows. Where can they find your stand-up schedule? Everything's at deskwad.com.
Starting point is 01:13:36 Okay. Folks, what a treat to have Red Band here today. You've been on to Holland Highway Podcast. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, everybody. And if you see Gus, tell them to have fun. Have fun, Gus. Do you think we have a disease? I think we're...
Starting point is 01:14:00 That might be like black mold type shit for real. Yeah, and you ate it. Yeah, it was just a little. Well, do you think this might be your last podcast ever? It might be. You might. Yeah. Do you want to say goodbye just because it might be your last one?
Starting point is 01:14:16 Ish by Ish. Thanks, buddy. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday. your anniversary, at your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss. Give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own
Starting point is 01:15:00 personalized Harland.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.