The Harland Highway - RIC DIEZ is the Vampire that invented electricity and also knows how to do a mean exorcism!!

Episode Date: February 24, 2026

This episode is sponsored by: Raycon, Hollow Alpaca -The Essential Open Earbuds are here to help you go for gold. Go to Buy Raycon.com/HARLANDOPEN to get 15% off. Thanks, Raycon for sponsoring! -For a limited time Hollow Socks is having a Buy 2, Get 2 Free Sale. Head to Hollowsocks.com today to check it out. #Hollow SockspodThanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=enMore Ric Diez:Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sadmanric/?hl=enFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/ricdiezcomedy/ Punchup: https://punchup.live/ricdiez #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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That's it. Let's start the Harlan Highway. I feel like I might need an exorcism Okay Brayi Banana Have you ever had a colonic No Nondi

Nondikrack Nogne gluck Frihy You're back Dude You feel free? Have you ever had a colonic? No

Is the volume okay me. What did you just say? I can hear you perfectly fine. It's the right volume. Oh. Yeah, but I don't if it's the right volume for recording. So you think we might be off? Oh, no, no, no, no. I think nothing. Nothing? Yeah, most of the time, I think nothing. So I don't have to ask questions today? No, we can just sit and contemplate. Oh, great, dude. Ready? No. Contemplating, bro. Jesus. You ever come? contemplated before? I'm contemplating Godzilla.

Shh. Might be the worst contours. You know what? Screw it. I'm not, if you don't know how to do it, forget it. Jesus. Okay. God.

I mean, you invited me to contemplate. Then you're like verbal diarrhea all over it. Yes. It's okay. Yeah, that's every relationship for me. Really? Yeah. Verbal diarrhea?

Oh, yeah. What do you mean? I can't stop from talking at the wrong time. Or two last. I just, yeah, I'm clumsy. Like, come in a little, you're not loud enough. Yeah, get this close to you. I'm verbally clumsy.

That's what I am. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Has it ever, like, got you into, like, real deep trouble where you're like, like, with the law? Oh, with the law, almost, yeah. Talk to me. There's one, one, one cup in back home. He left his car in front of my parking exit, and I was like, you need to move your car.

They were pretty pissed off. You set it to the cop. Yeah, because they had room. They could have just gone forward a couple feet and not blocked any entrance, but they were just blocking the entrance. The sirens were not on. The sirens were not on. There was nobody in the car.

Where was this? In Europe, back home. Okay. Yeah, not here. The hole in your story. Oh, yeah. It's not the U.S., yeah. You said, you asked him to move the car a couple of feet.

They don't know feet over there. They know meters. That's what happened. That's what happened. It was your fault. It's on me. It's the metric system, bro. He got so angry.

Well, of course, you used, you used, you used, I don't know what the system used to use the American system of measurements on him. You said, hey, officer, move your car a few feet. You're lucky he didn't get shot. He was, he aimed, he reached for his gun. I don't blame him. I went to the floor. It's just like, no, no, no, sorry, sorry, sorry. The one I said, feet, his eyes were like, ugh.

You should have said, officer, could you move your car four, meters and 36 millimeters. Centimetres before millimeters, but yes. Well, we're going to, well. Damn you. I don't get the metric system because I grew up in Canada. With the metric system. But no, when I was a kid, we hadn't gone metric yet.

Oh. It was still feet, inches, gallons, quartz. Yep. And then when I was about nine years old, they decided to convert to metric. I never grasped it. And so last time I was up in Canada, I went to 7-Eleven and I bought 9 kilometers of milk. Okay. That's a lot of milk.

I didn't know. Well, it depends on the width. Like if it's a very thin strain of milk, it's okay. Okay. You need a lot of milk to get to 9K. I didn't know. I don't know courts. I don't know kilometers.

I was exhausted just getting from the car in the parking lot. to the front door of 7-Eleven, 340,000 millimeters. My legs almost fell off, Guy. How many courts were you carrying? Well, I was kilometers. I don't know what a court is. That's exactly, but I grew up with court. A court, in the state, you know what a court is, right?

A quart of milk. Okay. It's like a quart of milk. It's this big. The metric system, I bought kilometers. I still don't know. Well, it's a very convenient system. where every unit converts to each other on a multiple of 10.

So it's actually very, very optimal. But yeah, whatever, who cares? Can you just say that again? No, I'm able to say it once. Whoa, guy. This is why I have verbal diarrhea. But it was good. It was very scientific.

Yeah, in that moment, right? I felt in the pocket, and then my brain was focused, and then, but now it's gone. But well, it was here. We have it on tape. This is being recorded. Played in slow-mo. We probably got it on 12. millimeters of digital airspace. But here's the thing. The metric system is supposed to be

just a little bit more accurate than, I don't even know what the system here is called. The American system. Oh, the imperial system. Imperial, that's it. And isn't there also a margin called Imperial margin here? Maybe. Yeah, I know it's less, it's less precise. It's less precise. The conversions are not exact because it's all point something something instead of just dividing by 10. You just did it again. Yeah. Can I ask you a quote right out of the gate? Go for it.

Did you invent electricity? Yes. When? Well, I was born in 1977. I invented electricity in 1801 because I traveled back in time. That was you. It was me. I went back and I visited Tesla and Edison.

and all those guys. I was like, guys, I have this thing. Electricity. Did you call it that right out of the gate, or did you call it fuzzy, fuzzy white stuff or bumble-de-bunt? I mean, was it always, was that the name immediately? I called it, I called it, I called it,

recticity, but they were not having it. Recticity, after your own name. Yes. I tried, I gave it a go, and then they were not. Yeah, because Kodak named the camera after Kodak was a guy. Yeah. So Ricticity and Tesla created batteries, right? Was that his claim to fame or was it elect?

He did, I think he did something with batteries, didn't he? Yeah, he had those Tesla coils and he had a way to transmit electricity wirelessly. Yeah, battery. Mm-hmm. And this is most people probably think Tesla, the Gen Xers are probably thinking, oh, Tesla's just a car. They don't realize there was a guy that predated the car. With a cool name.

With a cool name that sort of pioneered the technology that later became part of the mainframe of the Tesla car and the Tesla empire. That he's got nothing to do with. That's just Elon Musk branding stuff and making money of someone's name. I don't know if the Tesla family ever gets any royalties. I don't think so. Probably not. No. But yeah, Tesla was a pioneer in electricity. He was ridiculed for years, and then now everybody uses what he did.

I wonder why, what did Benjamin Franklin invent? Was it the phone and other stuff? So how come our cell phones aren't called cell flink franklins? Because that would have been in... I don't know. Maybe because he's... Did you know that he's on the Epstein files? Franklin?

Yeah. Benjamin Franklin. Totally. Franklin, Epstein. Yeah, it's all the same people. How did Benjamin Franklin get to Epstein Island when air flight hadn't been invented yet? That's what you think. It had invented.

It existed as some pilot secret program from the government that he was working with. And then they had access to those islands. man, he did. He got to that island fast than everybody. Why do you think the guy on the wheelchair got there, Musk was there, all these smart people were on that island. Even Epstein was a smart guy. All these people are numbers. Yeah.

It's all connected. I hear everything you're saying, but what I didn't like about everything, and there's a lot I shouldn't like, like Epstein. But the thing I really didn't like is when you were going like this at the beginning. You were going, and the Epstein. I think it's creepyer if I do this. I know, but it feels like you're typing to me, and I'm right here.

Can't we just talk? I felt like you were typing me your dialogue or, you know. Someone has to do something. I know, but for the guy that invented electricity, typewriters are so passe. I just got self-aware. Should my hands be on the table or under the table? Let them do what they want.

Let them roll. Folks, before we go one, kilowatt further, right? I think we agree on kilowatts. I was going to say before we go one second further, but since as a tribute to the guy who invented electricity, before we go one kilowatt further, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Halle Hawe Paca,

surrounded by electricity, thanks to our friend here, our special friend Rick Diaz, is it Diaz or Diaz or Diaz? Diaz. Diaz? Yes, sir. So I was wrong on both counts.

You're kind of right the first time. I was? Kind of. D.S. Say it again? Dias. Dias. Is Dias a little too exotic?

Imagine an H after the E. Does that help? Maybe if I'm dyslexic. I don't know. What am I on dyslexic Sesame Street? I thought North Americans could pronounce the sound, eh, but apparently they can't. We don't even have our measurements right. How do you expect us to speak properly?

You didn't even have English right. Right. You had it simplified. Or Riegeut. It is Raiaghaet. That's how I learned it in school. Right? Ryegahut? Yes, Rigaht.

Yeah. It's shul. It's shul. You learned it in school. In school. Buddy, we've been talking about electricity. Talk to me about this. What do you know about these light bulbs?

Like, talk to me, Guy. Well, this seems like Is it a traditional incandescent light bulb with a tungsten filament in it? Or is it one of these new More expensive, but more durable but colder light, however more, yeah. Listen to the guy who invented electricity, rungsten light, filaments.

Yeah, filaments. What else did you say? Incondescent. Only the guy who invented electricity knows this stuff. They would have nothing if I hadn't invented a time machine. Dude. Most people don't know five of the words you just said.

No, they do. They went to school. Where? I don't know. In Europe. No, they went to what? It's just cool. School.

Did you just choke on a scallop? Yeah, I choke on myself quite often. Wow. Well, isn't that something? And, you know, we take this for granted. Like this is what brought us out of the dark ages next to fire. It's fire, then light bulb. And then light bulb.

And there's so many intricate moving pieces and things that go into the filament. They actually do welding on the side of this. This is aluminum. This is like a cheap glass that they use. There's little points of contact on the base and on the side of this that create the connection between this. the socket you screw it into. I mean, there's so much going on with this that we don't even...

That's why I wanted to talk to you about it. I don't think it gets enough air time. I don't think it does. And I also feel like, because times have changed and we don't really use these anymore, we've lost the danger of having to put it on, you know? Like, is the electricity on or off? Right. I was scared of changing a light bulb.

And sometimes you'd burn your fingers? Yeah, it was scary. Now it's like, okay. Like, what is that? We've just, you need to teach kids. That's how I learned to be careful about stuff. Right, getting burnt. Burning.

Burning your fingertips. Burning like a witch. Yeah. Hey, everybody. Want to tell you about Raycon's essential open earbuds. Those regular earbuds you use, they block everything out. You can't hear nothing. And the Raycons, they keep it open.

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Raycon. Have you ever been to a witch burning? Yes, I'm from Spain. So you've stood there and watched them burn a witch? I've organized the whole thing. A witch burning. A witch burn. How many witches do you burn at one time? Well, you want to build it like a fight

card, you know? You want those like, like those witches that don't matter that much to start the fire. And you want to build up to the ones that have the biggest clout and you sell them as your headliners. Oh, smart. But you need to like the wood reserves. You need the, you know, and you need to build the crowd. It's a lot of marketing. You're like the UFC. You're like the Dana White of Witch Burning. Yeah, which burning. Dude. Which Burning 4 coming out this July. Wow. Paperview? Paperview only. Wow, so let me ask you this. This is like biology. And they want to know, not me.

Sure. Does a fatty witch burn longer than a thin emaciated witch? Yes. So a fatty burns how much longer? I mean, it's going to depend on the quality of the fat, the type of fire, the type of wood, and how the body has been prepped. How do you prep a fat witch? I mean, you can add fat on top and oils and stuff to make them burn for longer.

and better. And also, because the thing is you, this is actually true, but I mean, one of my family members was, the funeral was, she was set on fire. But say that again now? This happened in India. It was a ceremonial. India? Yeah, it's a ceremonial funeral. A funeral pyre. Yes. They call them pyres, right? Yeah, but they have to prepare the bodies, you know. How do they prep them? Well, I wasn't present, so my mom told me about it because I was still a kid. But yeah, there's a bunch of that. We did the fabrics they put around it. So if you're only a witch to burn, because you wanted them to burn down to the bone. If they burn too fast,

that's your fire's too hot. You want that longer burning. You want the meat to heat up, and you want everything to burn and turn into ash. If you go too fast, you end up with your bones not having burned. And then that's not a good result, guys. Sounds like a human candle.

Somebody's been parting at the European Wax Center over here. Yeah. Why were they burning the witches, though? What was the cause? Were people scared of them? Was it evil? I mean, they had, so the official, the official, the one everybody knows is they had superpowers. Oh.

And you don't want that around, right? What do you mean? Then people say, no, they didn't really have superpowers. They were just like women that were going a little nutty or whatever, or maybe the husbands just wanted to replace them with newer women or being assholes. And they just say, that one's a witch. That's burner. but I think the real story is not the feminist story. It is they had powers.

And you don't want that in society. It's too dangerous. No powers. You don't want the women to have powers. Well, I wouldn't want anybody to have powers, but I don't trust women with powers. That's crazy. So you really believe in all this stuff.

Oh, yeah. Wow. I mean, can you imagine? Curses? Have you seen how skinny I am? You think I don't believe in curses? Yeah, what do you eat by this? the way or what don't you eat? I eat all of it all lay long and it's a curse or a blessing in

today's world. Yeah. You know how many people would love to have a thin body? Not this thin. So you eat all the time. Yep. Never gain an ounce. Nope. Which. Yep. You're a witch. No, I'm cursed by a witch. I think it might be a witch. I might be a witch. I might. But I would be a wizard or a sword or a warlock. A warlock. That's the male version of a witch. Are the witches allowed to use titles? You know how we have to say he, she, her? Are we allowed to say warlock and witch anymore even? Who do we have to say, oh, the magic one with the mustache, the magic one without?

Yeah, that's a good question, actually. What's the gender neutral term for warlock and witches, I guess? Magician. Itch? Itch. Itch luck. I don't know. I like Locke.

I don't even, if I see a love. ladybug now. I won't even say it. I just go, bug. I ain't saying it. And it turns around and goes like, you got that right. Yeah, that's right. Don't forget it. Don't you forget it. Well, switching gears from witches and light bulbs and electricity. I've been dying to ask you about ant eaters. Oh yeah. Talk to me, guy. Like, what the heck's going on with those things? I saw one for the first time and last time so far in Canada. Of all places. Oh, they're all over Canada.

They run wild. They're in herds. I feel like they don't eat enough. There's millions and millions and millions of ants, and these guys are going extinct or whatever. I don't know. How many? Well, don't forget, in Kennedy, you got winter,

and the ants go south in the winter. Do they? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's not just the birds that fly south. Why don't the ant eaters follow the ants? They're not allowed. They can't get over the border.

The ants can go underground. Nobody sees them. They tunnel. Ice is. Stopping the ant eaters. Yeah. Ice ant, ant ice. You go back to Canada.

Yeah. That's where you... Turn around, long tongue. Yeah. What do you think you are in this country? We have normal tongs in this country. We don't have that weird. You know their tongues are like three feet long?

Are they? Oh, yeah. They're huge. Jesus Christ. Talk about cunolingus. Yeah, I want to meet one of them. Well, you're not a girl. No, but you still have a hole.

But I want to put this in it. Yeah. If I have the right food, it's going on. I wonder if the guy who invented electricity screwed that in his, you know what, would it light up? 100% he did. Well, it was you. Well, yeah, that's why I know. Jumping.

Why do you think I put the ribs? Oh, wow, yeah. Holy lemon grease. But wait a minute. Imagine being, like, created. Yeah. And the whole planet is basically a buffet. There's so many varieties of food, plant, flesh, sugars.

And God goes, ant eater. And your whole life, you just got to eat not only one thing, ants, but one of the lowliest things on the planet. Like, whoa, guy. Yeah, but on the other hand, they might be spicy ants, so there's flavor. Okay. Yeah, there's different colored ants.

You know, there's different types of. And then it's kind of like unlimited buffet. Yeah, there's trillions of ants. They don't move that fast. Like, you can, you know, that's why he's not, you know, it doesn't have to hunt as much as other animals there, you know. What do you think the ratio is between human beings and ants? because they say in New Zealand, for every human there's five sheep.

Yeah. For every, there's what, seven, eight billion humans? How many ants do you think we each have in comparisons to us? I would honestly say billions. So each of us have like a billion ants. In New Zealand, they only have four sheep losers. I used to have, when I lived in a... Hold on.

I got a finish. New Zealand losers. Yeah, losers. Kiwi, Loo. You got four sheep. Sheep, Kiwit, New Zealand. I'm sorry I'm getting emotional. Losers, we have a billion ants.

Yep. You got four lousy sheep. You go to sleep. Maybe you'll see seven more. Losers. We got, between me and him, two billion ants between us, and he's a witch, so he can make more. A warlock. He's a warlock. Well, he's an itch.

We're not allowed to say it. And you've got four sheep, and we got billions of ants. and I don't get emotional I don't get worked up easy but you can see I'm gone guy let me do it hold on four sheep idiots

losers New Zealand losers go film another episode of Lord of the Rings and buy yourself some more sheep maybe you can have five each dip fucknards

I mean the ratio of of hobbits to sheep is better yeah Like, but we win this round, don't we? Oh, yeah. A billion ants I got. I would argue we win every round against New Zealand on anything, but yes.

Yeah. They've got hills, cool. Oh, wow. They do have something we don't have, though. Yeah. The Kiwi bird. A flightless little bird, cute as a button. Yeah.

Almost looks like, you know, the girls in the 40s, the flappers, they wore those little, those things around their neck. their feathers look like those. Yeah, and the US only has like, what, eagles? That's, yeah. I'd rather take the kiwi bird over an eagle, right? You would? I can't do it. Why?

I'm not afraid of the kiwi bird. Yeah, the eagle could probably claw your eyes out. A big eagle, I bet, can lift me. That's how light I am. Yeah, how much do you weigh, Guy? I don't even know, but it's not, it doesn't make sense. So when you, you don't know, because you get on a scale and it doesn't register? It doesn't register, but also, I mean,

apologies for the vulnerability, but I'm ashamed of my lightweight, so I don't like to weigh myself. Yeah. I'm like, yeah. When you fart, do you lift off a little bit? Sometimes. Like, what's the highest you've, like, have you ever done like a blueberry pop-tart fart and got two or three feet? Or what's the highest fart? I've definitely gone like, you know.

If I'm in water, I've floated. If you do a water baby, oh, yeah. You'll, like, float to the top. Yeah. But let's say you just went to Olive Garden for Scallop Fest. You're walking back towards the car. You feel a rumbling. You crack a little scallop seafood treat.

Yes. How high will you lift in the parking lot off the ground? Oh. Well, it depends on the wind conditions and the humidity. Oh, right. I didn't think of that. Yeah. So on a dry, sunny summer,

Yeah. Probably about this much. Oh, we're talking almost two feet, foot and a half. But if there's a gust of wind, you know, I'm out of there. Wow. Yeah. Do you ever have to, and this is maybe too personal, do you ever have to, like, leave the house and take a cork with you? And then after Amelia, you have to, like, cork your asshole so that you don't fart? I mean, I generally just have it in just for pleasure anyway. So it's just there all the time. I take it off too far. Folks, this is what we call awkward. Yeah, sorry, I made it awkward. But it's okay.

What I like is we're being real. Yeah. We're being real, guy. And it's not easy for a man. How old are you? About to be 49. So at 49 to be talking about your weight and you feel maybe insecure about it a little, you have to ask the question, does that make you more of a man?

that you're able to expose that sort of frailty to the world because it might be a little emasculating. It might make you feel a little insecure. But to see you out here, the guy who created electricity, exposing himself, maybe that makes you more of a man than I'll ever be or any of them. I would argue it does. Most of society would argue it probably doesn't, but yes. But you feel strong talking about you weigh about as much as a piece of a piece of French toast. I don't know that it feels strong, but I feel free. You feel free? I feel free. Yeah, I just don't care. You're going to hear about my cork in my butt and why I put

ribs on those light bulbs because it's fun. Have you ever been walking through a neighborhood, let's say, like a suburban setting in Cleveland, Ohio? Yeah. It's summer. It's late afternoon. You're walking down the street. You hear, you look, you see a Cleveland housewife has hung some sheets and t-shirts on the clothesline. You walk along with the weight of a Chinese pretzel, you sneak into the backyard, put a couple of clothespins on your shoulder meat, and just hang for a while.

Yeah. Wow. That's how I dry myself after a shower anyway. Oh, shoot, yeah. Because it's, like, my skin is pretty flexible, so it's pretty easy for me to put pins on it. Oh, yeah. I can do this. Yeah, look at it.

that. Oh, you're just... I just hang myself by the face like this. You're almost, I went to a circus once and they had this lady, the rubber face lady, and you're sort of right in that territory. Yeah. Wow. Would you ever date a circus freak? 100%. Please hit me up. Wow. Yeah, of course. That's great. I know that I would marry her, but date her. Oh yeah, I want to know what's going to happen. What is the reaction? Because now we're talking about your frailty. When you're with a lady friend and she's laying in bed, she's got the, you know, the Walmart comfortable on, or she's got the duvet on or whatever they call it,

you're at the end of the bit disrobing. You disrobe and you're standing there presenting. Yes. What is her reaction to your size, your thinness? Well, this is where it's a little surprising. Like, some girls love skinny guys. And if they don't, they won't have anything to do with me. And if they do, they can't expect me to be skinny.

So that took me years to confront and I said. But then mostly they're just, oh, it's better than I thought it was going to be. Does the term zombie fuck ring about? Like, do you ever, you're with a girl, you're at a motel six, the lights are out. And you just, she's like, fuck me, zombie. Fuck me, you dirty zombie. you skinny malnourish dirty zombie with your decayed carrion pound me zombie zombie zombie fuck me whore or what do they say i'm just i don't know i'm just asking i mean yeah i've

heard definitely they're like fuck me zombie and then they go like and then i bite them on the neck oh my god wow yeah and then they start bleeding all over the place and it's a bit of a mess but they asked for it yeah hey wow you know zombie fuck I don't stop because that's what they asked me to do. Yeah, yeah. No, it's on them. Yeah. Here we go.

What the hell is going on here, guy? Yeah, no, that is not my creation. What is this? That is some deviant, copy, pervert, weirdo. That guy is definitely the Epstein file. This is the Epstein of light bulbs. Yeah, why do you need so many holes? Yeah.

That is not acceptable. Like, look at what, how do we go from this to this? Yeah, no. You're going to call this a light bulb to my face, to his face, the guy who created electricity? I'm offended. I didn't know I was going to be offended coming in here, but now I feel bad. Like, honestly, this is, that is insulting. You should have known, maybe, you know, that is bad.

It's a bad. I don't blame you. I don't blame you one bit. They're so expensive. They barely last any longer than the ones I made, and it's just about bringing circuitry from China, because they're not, are they made? Oh, you're going to touch it? Yeah. What is this crap made?

I can't see anything anymore. Phillips? Okay, European, that's good. At least you're giving money to the Europe. I like Phillips. Hey, everybody. I want to talk to you about socks. You knew I was going to.

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from the Harland Highway. And that's Alpaca for hollow socks. But that, yeah, that design is an insult. I didn't mean to insult you. But I did want to show, yeah, I get it. As they say in Spain, Les Differences.

Yes, that's exactly how we say. La difference. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just sui le difference. And I don't speak a lot Spanish, but I'm a light bulb with Sur la difference

the mutated Mr. Epstein light a bulb with mange the traditional sun bulb. Soley bulb, yes. And my Spanish isn't great, but I can sort of converse. Dude, if you came to Madrid,

you would fit right in. Can we take, because you're fluent in Spanish. Yeah. Why don't we have a little bit of a conversation? Because I always like to test myself. Go for it. If you want to start a little combo with me, I'm going to do my best. Don't mock me.

I won't. I will try to do my best. A simple conversation, nothing to, like, I don't want to talk Spanish physics. I understand. Something, the layman Spanish. And let me flex my linguistic muscle. Yes. Please.

Hola. Uh, Bonjour. Bonjour. Okay. Um, how is this? Uh, Perry Como estes

great old singer. You're the Spanish one here. Let's go. What fuck? Yeah, I know. I've never spoken Spanish this much. Are you going to help me or not?

The hell. And... Oh. Sparish como a singer. and your mom, how is your mom? Mamma, sole a col. Ah,

ecole, uh, mowgle, anana. Anana, uh, pina. Pina? Pina? Yeah.

A pinia is, an ananao. A. A banana and a banana, a panana, a pinia. Ananana, a pinia. Anna, no, no, no, no. You have to record it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So how did I do? Pretty good, fluent. Okay, well, it's not fluent. I know you're humoring me, but we had a conversation. Kind of, yeah. Like, I'm sort of proud of that. I, but I am proud of you.

Thank you. I brought you a gift. Oh, what is it? I love gifts. Here, I brought you this. I get thirsty. when I do other dialects, when I do other languages, my vocal cords just, it's the marrow streep out. What do we got?

It's my conscience. Wow, look at this. This is a droid? Yeah. Don't? It speaks Spanish as well. It does? Yeah, you just talk to it.

Uh, u'et le Papillon. I think it's battery's dead. Yeah. But this is sort of like, an R2D tube, but it's more like a modern, like, what is it? You gave it to me, fill me in. It's my conscience. What do you mean?

It's a manifestation of the inside of my head. Wow, explain, elaborate. No one's, just for the record, folks, nobody's ever given me a manifestation of the inside of their head. Yeah. I want you to dive deep on this and tell me what you mean. It's inefficient. The battery's gone.

It's blue and it's robotic. Blue meaning depressed? Among other things, I guess. Oh, are you depressed, little friend? I mean, Rick? I mean, my conscience is in your hands now, so I'm cool now. When you wish. They're holding all of my guilt.

Upon a star makes no difference who you are. Do you remember Jiminy Cricket? Yeah. He was Pinocchio's conscience. So this is your Jiminy Cricket. Oh, yes, yeah. That is it. Because when you wish upon a star, your dreams come true.

Dude, always let your conscience be your guide, unless you're unconscious. Can I say something? Sorry. I always thought the shells behind you on your podcast were real. Oh, yeah? Yeah. It's just a wall hanging. Yeah. behind you is real? Sometimes. Okay, welcome to Melanoma Central. So, wait, where are you from originally, from Spain or Brussels or where?

I was born in Madrid, Spain. Madrid, Spain. I moved to Belgium when I was a kid. Belgique. So you speak Spanish and French and English. And German a little? Ambition. And what?

A little bit. A little bit. Yeah. just a little bit and what's the easiest language for you Spanish or French both are kind of there and there so why do they call it Brussels

but then Belgique I mean Belgium is the country and Brussels is the city is the capital yeah ah that's what it is but but to be honest it doesn't matter it's all

Eljik My matter to the people that live there, my guy No, it doesn't They're also very cynical about their own country They are? Oh, yeah And just for reference, because I know where it is I know where Brussels is But they don't

But they know Where are they? Who are they? Well, we have Terry Twaddle Tits down in Cleveland, Ohio Twettletits, yeah We have Meredith Mulsed teeth down in, she's in Fiji, believe it or not. Oh, Fiji, okay.

And over here we have Neil Nipple Tits over in Boston. That's just a few of them. Well, Brussels is in Europe. It's nestled between Germany and France, isn't it? It's nestled between Germany, France, and the Netherlands. The Netherlands. But they don't know where any of those are in. They don't know.

Not them. I know. Yeah. The Netherlands is also some people refer to. their pelvic area is the Netherlands here in America. Oh, yeah. Sorry for them. For the point of reference.

Yeah. If they're World War II fans or have seen movies, the Battle of Dunkirk is not far from Belgium. Dunkirk. Yeah. Did the Germans, did they not seize, as we call it? They invaded Brussels. Didn't they go through Brussels and occupy it or no?

Yeah, they got in and Brussels pretty much gave up immediately. They did. Yeah, they surrendered so fast. Come on in, have an omelet. Have a blint. Hey, Nazi, you want a, you want a crepe Suzette? Yeah, well, I mean, they were pretty aligned with the ideas, number one. And number two, it helped them preserve the, there was very little destruction in Belgium.

So now you can see a lot of the old buildings still. So in a way, it was a psychological ruse where they said, hey, we hate the Nazis, we hate their agenda. Yeah. But if we pretend we're buddies and we're in with it, they won't come in here and trash the room like Aerosmith at a holiday inn in Cleveland on a Thursday night. I mean, I would argue even the Nazis don't want Aira Smith to come to Germany and trash Germany.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, Aresmith was, that's hardcore stuff. Yeah, they were pretty notorious. Oh, yeah. They ripped up a few motel sixes. Oh, yeah. Can you imagine them inside a bunker? Can you imagine them inside of you?

It's never too early to plan your business. summer story in Europe with WestJet from rolling countryside to cobblestone streets begin your next chapter book your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent westjet where your story takes off edith bunker wait uh but that's a pretty good strategy to preserve your culture your architecture your art to a degree but then did the belgikers if that's what they're called that is exactly the name. Did they have to live with the stigma of maybe people saying, hey, you sort of coddled and supported Hitler and his Nazi army? Yes, yes, but the Belgians are very, very smart and devious people. So like for the longest time, they were carrying that stigma. Yeah. Right. And then, but then they

replaced it in the 90s, in the 1990s with a new stigma because there was a whole pre-epstein, Epstein level stuff going on there. There was? Oh, huge. You mean like... Kids getting kidnapped. The guy's going thrown in jail, escaping from jail, going back to jail, politicians involved companies in the worst.

Dirty. So now they're known for being the P-E word, you know. Oh, wow. So that's how they got rid of that stigma from being allies and stuff or being cowards. Oh, wow. We just surrendered to the net. So fast forward to today. What is the stigma of?

What is the perception of the Belgicans? That nobody knows where it is. Nobody cares. Well, I do. They don't. You do, but every tourist I know goes to Paris, then to Amsterdam. And they say, oh, yeah, I went through Brussels. Yeah.

Yeah. I think we drove through it. It's about the size of, if you could compare it to a state, it's a probably, don't tell me, I'm going to say maybe about the size of like a Rhode Island. Probably bigger, though. A little bigger? Like what state would you pick? Luxembourg is going to be like Rhode Island.

Would you say Ohio maybe? Maybe. Maybe an Ohio or Florida, maybe. Florida? How long does it take to go north to south in Florida? You can get from top to bottom probably in like eight to ten hours. Okay, no, then it's half of that. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Yeah. It's tight. I think I've been there. Probably. Yeah, you've trouble. Because I lived in Germany for a while. Just this will determine the answer right here. When you order French fries in Belgium, you don't get ketchup, you get mayonnaise, correct?

I do. But that's common. Yes. Then I was in Belgium. There you go. Yeah. I was there. We have all the sauces now, but ketchup is still like, ugh.

Yeah, but for French fries, the tradition, because I remember I ordered le pomfritz. And I said, oh, can I have some ketchup, please? and they're like, you will have maniz, monsieur, or we will call the Nazis. Well, thanks to immigration, it's changed a little bit now. You can ask for ketchup and people don't look at you too bad, but it's still a... How do it's not, they don't say a ketchup there, though. How, what's the pronunciation there? Ketchup.

Ketchup. Ketchup. There's a little uh on the end. You ketchup. Ketchup. Yeah. There's a strong pee at the end. How do they say relish?

I don't remember relishia what about mustard mutarde what was that last one mutard yeah oh in Spanish

moustatha what is it moustatha huh that's a little better the other one had a bit of a special Olympics vibe to it Spanish is always a little better than French yeah what was the French one again

mutarde yeah a little close mustard but just with a French accent kind of. Or a helmet. Yeah. Going back to the anteater. Yes. Because I don't think we wanted, you're welcome. You're welcome.

You know, it's like imagine being born into a world where you're told out of the gate what you are. Your name defines your eating habits. Good point. Like imagine if you were born into this world a child and you had no idea, no conception of wanting to become fat. but God just went pastry eater. And from a very early age, once you got off the teat, you just consumed donuts, blinces, pastries, bear claws, honey-do melons, not honey, you know, whatever,

but you just had to, these poor anteaters, it's predestined what they've got to eat. It's almost like if you were human and you just ate one type of food like an idiot, like a vegetarian. You did it. That was bad. That was... This is the last episode.

Whoops. Sorry, vegetarians. Whoopty-doo, yeah. But come on, guy. Vegetarian, we were born. Look at these. These are called canine teeth. Ah, canine teeth.

You got, holy werewolf of London. Oh, yeah, I got K-9 teeth. You could rip the throat out of a springbok gazelle. This guy. Where did those come from? It's a long story, but they're real. You're worried about being thin and you're a wolverine? Yeah.

Dude, smile. Ha. Holy Vampirilla, those are legitimate fangs. Oh, yeah. Forget Belhique. What part of Transylvania did you fly out of? I mean, from my birth, I've been destined to eat humans. No wonder you're so thin.

You're a vampire. My name is Rick. Yeah. But my real name is neck eater. How are you staying alive sitting with the sun right behind you, vampire? The sun thing is a legend. It's not real. Dude.

Dude. Wow, those are real legit fangs. Did you get those done like Hollywood style? Were you born with those? Kind of born with them, yeah. Wow, dude. You are a warlock. I am a warlock, I told you.

Dude, you might be the first vampire I've ever had on the show. You'll be the last one if all goes well. Do that hiss again? That didn't seem fake. Hang on. Do it again. No, I. I can't. No, I can't. No, I can't.

Is that too much? No, ah! Jesus, uh... Get thee behind me, flesh-eater! Demon seed, get thee behind me, night-stalker! Demon seed, get thee behind me, night-stalker! Get thee behind me! I was just acting, actually, you don't care about crosses either.

You're doomed, there's nothing. This is doing nothing? Yeah, I'm totally immortal. There's nothing you can do. Damn it. Damn it. Okay. Even if you like make a stake through my heart won't do much. I have like six of them.

A stake through your heart. Yeah. My heart's not where you think it is. Yeah. Those are great teeth, dude. Here I was asking you about what do the girls think when you get naked at the end of the band about your body? And now I'm thinking, what about those chompers? Yeah.

Wow. Does your parents have teeth like that? No, it was an awkward thing that happened with the dentist, but yeah. How did you breastfeed? Hanging from the rafters? I latched on. My mom didn't even have to hold me. I just like...

She must have looked like an aerator from a golf course one over her breast. It's got to be covered with pock marks. Oh, dude, it's like a... Yeah, it's bad. Swiss cheese tinnies. She needed surgery. Yeah, it's bad. Dude, let's see.

Wow. When you watched that movie Teen Wolf, Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you get, like, turned on? A little bit. I knew it. But not just the, it's also the hair. Yeah.

When you go to the zoo, will you jump over and take a small zebra or an elk? Or will you go to the snack bar and get McDonald's? I mean, if I can't, if the elk is accessible, always go for the elk. Zebras are like, yeah. Yeah, it's got that black and white meat. Yeah, it annoys me. Yeah, it's confusing. Yeah.

I don't know where to bite. You got the light in the dark. dark meat, but with an elk, it's just a consistent ebony brown. Also, it's nutritious meat. How long does it take for a vampire to suck an elk dry? 3.6 minutes on a good day. And at night? On an average-sized elk, yeah.

Well, yeah, maybe 10 minutes, because I take my time at night. At night, yeah. I'm in a rush. You don't have to worry about that annoying melting and burning alive. Bullshit. Yeah, a day, I have to go faster in the day. It's a lot of blood. Yeah.

Oh, yeah, full-grown elk? Yeah. They're the second largest deer next to the moose. Mm-hmm. And I'm not a fat vampire. I can only store so much blood. I have to, like, process it, digest it. Dude, whatever you're doing, you're on the jeepers, creepers vampire diet.

I got a food coma. You have what? Food coma. Food coma. Oh, yeah. I have to take a nap after that. You know, now that I think of that be a good. diet. Have you seen that movie Jeepers Creepers? Yeah. Where that creature, they say every 26 years he has to

eat. Forget about the fat women in America going to Jenny Craig. Throw them on the Jeepers Creepers diet. Every 26 years they get to eat. The rest of the time they look like you. But Jeepers, creepers, is that a Stephen King movie? No. It's every 26 years? Every 26 years? It has to eat. But it is the same concept. It is? It eats every 26 or 27 years. Seven years. Oh, wow. Somebody ripped someone off. Maybe Jeepers, Creepers and It should get together and hit Golden Corral.

Nothing like having a lunch, buddy. The monster from Jeepers Creepers is in the Epstein file. Here we go. You're obsessed with Epstein. Completely obsessed. But he's one of the victims. The good thing about you, you can fly to the island for free, vampire. Yeah.

Dude, I'm a little scared. About? Just, I don't know your intentions now. My neck is exposed. a collared shirt. Bro, I know you're looking at me and going, there's a nice after-dinner snack for later. I mean, you set me right where your artery is pulsating.

I can see it from here. I can hear it. You can hear it, right? Can you smell it? Oh, yeah. How does it go? Yeah. Pretty much.

Does that turn you on? I guess me hungry. Are you turned completely on right now? Completely. Yeah, I'm torched. We're torched. Dude No, that's for later.

Wow. Dude, you're a wild. Oh, yeah. I've never had a vampire on the show. I mean, yeah. Is this an outing? Like, have you ever told anyone? People keep asking me online

whether I'm a vampire, but no, I haven't, I was very uncomfortable. I didn't want to break the news because I know it carries stigma. People are going to just like, you know. Well, you know what I find confusing for a vampire?

Let's see those fangs? Yeah, for vampires who, fly at night, who would have known you'd need readers? It's a disguise. Oh. It's to make me look more human-like and amicable and inoffensive. Because A, if you're flying around at night vampire, you've probably got the eyes of an owl. Oh, yeah. And B, bats you's sonar, so you don't even need to see. So good diversion with the glasses. That's what they're there for. And they're UV resistant. Just imagine, folks,

next time you're in Barnes and Noble, you can see a vampire perusing the glasses rack. Didn't you notice when I got to your place that I didn't walk? I just floated. I thought you were farting. No, I was. Oh. Yeah, I don't.

Wow. Wow, this is wild, bro. Can I say bro? Can you say bro to a vampire? Or do you say blot? Well, I guess you can't say blood. What's up, blod? You can say both.

It's fine. I feel like we're fast. You're calling me blood or bro. It's fine. Well, if we're talking about fangs, here's what I don't get. If you decide to become a vegetarian, the fact that we have built-in canine teeth tells us we're flesh eaters. Yes. You don't see a lion with its canines running across the serenegity and tearing down rhubarb. Or diving onto a butter lettuce. Like, we, if lions have fangs, we have fangs, we're supposed to eat. Vegetarians, I'm just telling you, we've been designed to eat meat tear through flesh. Don't listen to me.

Listen to the flesh-eating night-stocking vampire. Tell them, vampire. I mean, the meat tastes so good when it's fresh. And if you can tear it, like, if I tear it off, it's like cutting it. Cutting meat. It taints the flavor. You have no idea. You've never had, like, torn off meat.

Yeah. So it destroys the flavor profile of the meat. When you cut it. Yeah. Even daintily the way you did? Yeah, like, no, it's not good. So you're saying be sort of neanderthalistic and tear it from the bone? Yes.

Or eat it right from the bone. Yeah, I mean, that's why wings and, you know, they taste better if you have them from the bone, right? Yeah. Apply that to steak. or tomahawk. Just, just, it tastes better. What I feel bad for are these damn. Have you seen the boneless wings, the boneless chicken wings?

Oh, God, yeah, that is sad. Can you imagine? I went to a boneless chicken wing farm once, and there was thousands of chickens just laying on the ground, like going like this. Like they couldn't even, it was like, and I threw some food in, and they just looked at it. They don't have the skeletal structure to get around.

No. they just lay there like blobs. Yeah, their blob is just impaled on their feet. Yeah. It's like weird, yeah. Poor things, poor boneless chickens. Yeah. Imagine it like boneless and featherless.

Are they? Yeah. I mean, I, you know. They're bald? Some of them are bald. It's even more optimal. More what? Optimal for meat production.

That's less work. Hey, count. I appreciate the vocabulary. Look, you look. up there in the castle and Bulgaria or wherever it is. You got brains. You've been around, what, eight, nine hundred years? Give or take, a few hundred.

You got a vocabulary when you're kicking around that long. Them? They don't, that word you said, what was it? Featherless. No, you said some other. I forgot it again. I forget what I say. Wow.

It's a tough, it's a problem. All times, Acula. God, the vampire. He's been around for three. 3,000 years and he gets Alzheimer's and can't remember. I learned English as a, as a, you know, in school. So it was a very academic English. Yeah.

At what age did you crack the English? You went, like, what age did you become fluent in English? Oh, that's a good question. Thank you. I guess in mid-teens, mid-teens. If you don't mind, I'm still gloating. 14-ish. Can I gloat?

You said that was a great question. Can I have some. time to marinate? Do you have to jump all over it? Let me have a moment to shine night crawler. One of my favorite texts, man. Just if you're wondering, he said, what a great question, folks. Yeah. It was a good one because I had never thought about that. That's why he came here to be asked actual proper good questions.

I don't want to go to a city podcast with light bulbs in. Wait, what was that last part? I came here for the question. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. You know, I, let's be honest, vampires, there's a little bit of evil residue that comes on them. There's Satan spawn from what I've read historically. Since we have a cross here, would you be okay?

I feel like I might need an exorcism. Okay. If you, do you speak any like tongues or vampire talk or even one of your Latin? I can try. If you wouldn't mind just giving me a quick, like one-minute exorcism, I would love to get rid of any type of, you know, eternal hell-spawn. Like, I'm open to it. Just let me know when you're starting.

It feels weird. Okay, where did you get this thing? It's very patchworky, by the way. It's made by Palm Franz, which Jesus loved palms. Those are Palm Franz, guy. And by the way, first time Franz has ever been said on this podcast. This is, yeah, this is what I'm working with for an existence. Palm Franz with Scotch tape.

I'm ready. Please exercise me. In nominate of Patrice, human slumant, comte, cherudeus, God have Jesus, love, da, da, da, d'u, Maria, Santanas, av retro, retro satanas. Just leave this guy, this comedian doesn't deserve, have to be... Oh, just leave him like this, it's pretty cool.

Okay, no, just leave, leave. Just, just, just... Cuehueh... What the... ...andaminit histone, too minus... Tantan panatos... ...p... ...paraara...

...bana... ...bana... ...that... ...that... ...the clack... ...n... Rayh. Let me, go, go, let's.

Dechale. Drehe. Ray. Oh my, my, I think my head has to spin all the way around before it works. I'm weak. I'm getting tired of holding this. Can I just do the head rotation? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I think I'm clear. Tettest, tib, t'em, btik, kut-a, pop, oh, okay. Frey. Treg, you're back? Dude. You feel free? Have you ever had a colonic? No.

Dude, I feel like just... like just, wow, flushed, cleansed. I almost want to go to a yoga class and do some jogging and then go to Starbucks. You should do that. What did you do to me? I just, well, you know, I took care of the demons inside of you. Wow, thank you, Night Satan spawned, flesh-eating night crawler.

All of these years living in Hollywood. Of course you're cursed. Wow. Are we all cursed? Hey, everybody, Harland here. My brand new books are out. The Things You Don't Know, You Don't Know. Volumes One and Two. If you need a laugh, it's full of things you don't know. Did you know that pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes? Did you know that rhinoceroses are just big fat white trash unicorns?

It's all there in volumes one and two. Pick them up on Amazon.com. Wow. Are we all cursed? Is Hollywood, is Hollywood a dark cursed place? I think so. You really believe that? Do you believe you've ever been in someone's house?

there wasn't enough cum in the floor. Was that last thing there? Yeah. You ever believe you went into someone's house here in Hollywood and the floor was clean. It wasn't painted by, you know, Hollywood parties. Oh, okay. So do you, okay, but spiritually outside of the cum floors

that you've seen, is spiritually people have this conception that Hollywood's a dark, evil, sinister place. I mean, that exists everywhere, but is Hollywood especially, has the devil got his hand around Hollywood? And I'm asking you as a night crawling demon, an elk-sucking vampire from the nether world. I mean, from, how do you, why do you think I came here?

Also, it's not my first stint in Hollywood. I was already here in the 1920s. I came back in the 1950s. I just keep getting bored of this place. Were you here when they filmed Ben Hur? Yeah. Gone with the wind? Oh, yeah.

Oh my God. The orgies were tremendous. What was Clark Gable like? The squeaker. Yeah, well, yeah. Fun on screen, off screen, a little bit of a weirdo. Was he a good suck? Did you ever get into him?

Yeah, but his blood was tainted with opium. And I was like, ugh, it got the bitter. It's bitter. I don't react to drugs like normal people. Yeah. So it's like, ugh. Did you ever suck on Elvis or Maryland? I'm a bit of a joker, but can I do it just because I like to joke?

You suck on Elvis, you're like, you pull off, you go, and you go, I'll thank you. I'll thank you very much. I tried sucking on him, but I caught him towards the end of his life, and it was big Elvis. Bloated. Yeah, I only got through the fat. I couldn't get to the blood. Yeah, gotcha. And Mary.

You had a cholesterol. suck. And Marilynne, I wanted to, but to be, you know, we have a hierarchy amongst vampires, and she belonged to other people. Fair enough, guy. That is what it is. Fair enough. Some vampires have more power over in this area than I do. Yeah. I appreciate the honesty, Satan spawned from hell, because usually you don't get honesty from a devil. What's going to happen to me? Nothing. I'm immortal. You're all going to die. I'm going to keep living until, you know, it's fine. Doesn't matter to me. Do you ever just go through Beverly Hills and you're surrounded by people with cosmetic surgery, fake butts, Botox, eye lift, cheeklets, new noses, new breasts,

and they're walking around trying to hold on to this little minuscule your life and you just walk through and go, I've been around for 4,000 years, player. Yeah, I do. That's exactly what I do every Sunday morning. I love you. I love you for that. Oh, yeah. That's got to feel good. Yeah, also I've bitten through Botox. It tastes disgusting.

Oh my God. Does it make your teeth feel younger? Mm-hmm, a little bit. Yeah, they get filled out a little bit, but the taste is just so wrong. Yeah. Mm-hmm. It's got to be like biting into someone as a vampire with Botox. It's got to be like biting into overly processed food versus organic food.

I tell you what it feels like to me. It's like, you know when you get a burger wrapped in paper? Yeah. And you chew through the paper by a mistake. That's exactly Wow It's botox Yeah

It's not Just age Just age and die You're gonna age and die anyway Yeah You have Botox Do you ever get Botox? I haven't gotten Botox

No I'd like to Yeah Where would you put it Right there What happened there What was That's a pre

That was That was Botox So a few episodes A few episodes ago John Lovitz was here Oh yeah But I had a giant syringe Will you bring in the giant syringe, Amber?

It's right there on the table. And what I did is my friend Cher, she took some of the fat out of her buttocks. No way. And I injected it. When John was here, I've been injecting it in my face to look younger and in my forehead.

And when I was here, I sprayed it so hard it went right up on the roof. Oh, God, it's all over the ceiling. Wait, that's actual fat from someone? It was shares, yeah, my buddy, share. Jesus Christ. And I missed. I was trying to see, you have a waddle.

Yeah, yeah. Which makes it, vampires aren't good at sucking waddle. Oh, no, it's bad. Like, that's like watching a vampire go down to the beach and suck on a pelican. It's a good defense mechanism. Yeah. And so I was like trying to stretch out my waddle and it missed and it went right to the roof.

I can show the clip if you want me to insert it here. No, no, whatever. Whatever you want. You're the eternal demon. I would miss too, no chin, you know, which is going. Yeah. I can't. You have more of a chin than me, though. If you remove the waddle, I wonder who has more of a chin. Yeah. It's a fight. I also have loose skin over here. It's bad. Yeah, you do. It's the end. I can't believe that's fat. That is. Yeah. Well, it shares fat, not mine. That shares ass hanging over us. Well, if I could put the bodok, Botox anywhere on my body, I think I would get little horns here. Oh, yeah. The fangs here. The fangs here. Would your overlord Satan get a little competitive now that now you've got horns like he does?

Probably. He's going to feel a little threatened maybe. Might not want to poke the lion guy. It's about time. I think, you know, he's got big ones. Like, what is he? If he feels threatened by a little bit of mothox, I mean, relax.

Just chill, Satan. Just chill. You're still the overlord. Relax, B. Elzebub. dial it down Lucifer they're just little they're stubs they're narcissists they're very hard

they don't want anybody to threaten just don't do anything like I'm doing I think if you wear that sweater you'll be okay I don't think you'll threaten the devil if you're wearing that yeah this is my like a brown sweater I think Satan's gonna be like we're good

yeah and speaking of the end my guy we're down to our final segment Can you believe how fast it goes when you're talking about important topics? Yes, dude. It's so, yeah, okay, here we go. So this is a Dutch clog from the Netherlands. Yes.

You should be familiar with this. Yes. Inside random words, we call it words from a wooden shoe, not a wooden steak, a wooden shoe. You reach in, pluck a word and see if it triggers a story from your wonderful journey. All right. Rick Diaz, incredible comedian. You've seen him on Kill Tony. Sniff it up, guy.

Oh, nothing like a Dutch foot reek. That's pretty good. That's like putting your nose in a urinal at the LAX, at Los Angeles Airport. Dude, I do it every time. How did you know? I could tell you. Sound really clear.

It clears out your... Yeah. Urinal mints are... If you stand over them, just... They'll, like, clear up your cold or your flu like that. Forget about getting the shot. Just stand over. a year with hot piss and it's like steaming your face over wanton soup what's your word brady kids

braddy kids okay interesting any does that trigger any stories or moments or memories from could be your journey or your neighbor or a buddy or someone you know a brady kid's story or association or maybe you were a brady little vampire little brady, but I wasn't as brady as my brady friends. Okay, talk to me, guy. How? I can't do what you do. Here we go. Vampires remembering. Remember the 90s when people had long hair? Yeah. I remember one time my friend in class just was sitting behind my other friend who had a ponytail. And he went like, it was a guy. It was a guy cutting the ponytail of another guy. Oh, wow. But it was cool. He did it very slow, so the whole class could,

see him go forward. Everybody was like, that was a pretty good day. Wait, was the hair in a ponytail or was it flat out? No, he had his hair in a little ponytail. And my friend kind of like went for the ponytail with the scissors just very slowly, you know. Oh, wow. And everyone was watching.

Yeah, that's fun. Now, why this kid, was this kid like a hated kid or was he a normal kid? Was your buddy just a brat? He was like. No, I think it's, it's kind of funny because the guy. that got his haircut was not a guy that got bullied or anything. The guy that did it to him wasn't specifically a bully or anything either. I think it's just kids being, I think I need to do this now.

This is a bad decision. I remember one time, I went a little nuts. I went a little nuts. Here we go. I went a little nuts. You know the what you call it a compass? Yeah, the compass. Compass, yeah.

Or as I call it, grade school weapons. Yeah, exactly. So what do you call the pointy tip? Does it have a name? Ouch? The ouch? So my friend was annoying me. It was annoying me.

Oh, wow. He was annoying me. And I had a compass. And he was annoying me and he was in class. And I was like, dude, if you keep going, I'm going to stab you. And what's interesting, it's like a mathematical equation is like, annoying me, brady kid times OJ Simpson plus compass equals pain. Plus fat. Yeah.

Plus Botox fat. Yeah. And then so it was kind of funny because I said that. And then he immediately felt like, well, then I'm going to keep going. And then I just went. In his leg? No, in his hand. In his hand.

Yeah. But it's just, it was all, I've done so much dumb shit in school. Yeah. You guys have a, do you call them a nuts? Like wallnuts or like the bigger ones? Chestnuts? Like the big round ones. We have them a lot.

Oh yeah, cashew nuts. The big. No, no, no. Like bigger like like a chestnut. But like like, like, big, like a big chestnut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had those in my school, and I would just grab them.

They would fall in the fall, you know. Yeah. I would just grab them and throw them in the yard. Yeah. See who's head. So who you'd hit? Yeah, see who I'd hit. Would you lob it or would you fastball?

Love it as hard as I can see where the hell it had. Because people are moving, so give time to view for people to move around. And the thing about the beauty of that, as violent and mean as it is, because it's got velocity, it hits and bounces off their head. Oh, yeah. So it's not like a bullet where a bullet, gets absorbed by the cranium. And the person goes down.

So this person, you get double the delight, you get the impact, the bounce of the nut, because it's not strong enough to go through, and the kid goes down. Oh, the visual is amazing. Oh, it's like a JFK panty party. And the beauty of it is, it's random.

I don't control the outcome. No. You can't be responsible for your evil. You're a night crawling vampire. There was a kid in my class, what he used to do, he was like 12 or something, and he would go to,

girls that were older, like 16 and taller, and just pretend to just flat, just put his face in their boobs, just like, oh, sorry, just like keep doing that all day long. He would be expelled now in 2026, but in the 90s. Now he runs a marina because he's a motorboater. Yep, professional motorboater. Wow. Buddy, well, speak of the journeys, you've had an incredible journey. Thank you.

You've been kicking ass. weren't you the first golden ticket winner on Kill Tony or one of the early ones? No, actually, I was number 14. Oh, okay. But the first 14 took like 13 years or whatever. Okay. And since I got mine, there's been like another 10. So now it's gone faster.

The pace has been. Oh, and how many times had you been on Kill Tony before you got your golden ticket? Zero. I just got it first. You got it the first time. That's what I was thinking then. I knew there was some kind of expedited process for you. I just did really good the first time.

Were you so proud? Were you just like over the moon? Or did you realize yet the impact and the reach of Kill Tony? I didn't understand the reach and the impact at all. So you were just like, hey, I got a golden ticket. But then afterwards, it probably like just built and built. Yeah, I was just like, oh, I guess that's cool. Wow.

Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, it's an interesting show because it really does. it's sort of redefining the world of American comedy to a degree. Right now, yeah. It's very interesting. And it's neat to see. I like watching the Tetonic plates shift around.

Oh, yeah. And some people don't like it. Some people do. But I think it's important that everything moves and it reshapes thing. And good and bad and excellent and horrible always come out of the process of moving. But I think movement and change is important for art, regardless of how. how it happens. Well, you have the benefit of a lifetime of experience in the field that you can you have the hindsight to see the benefit of all those movements. I'm still like a bit cut up in it and

I don't fully understand what's happening. Yeah, you're fresher. How long have you been doing stand-up? I mean, my seventh year. Seventh year. Yeah, so I, I've been in it for almost four decades. And so I've really, to see this happening is really quite fascinating. It's interesting and it's really wild. And it's not just killed Tony, but it's the internet, it's YouTube, it's social media.

Like the whole landscape is in a whole new Wild West, and it's fascinating to me. Yeah, I don't know. I just, it just sends me, I'm just very confused by all of it, to be honest. But it's exciting. I get to meet you.

Yeah, we get to be here. It makes no sense to me. Oh, it's great. We love having you here. Are you kidding? Yeah. and you ex-you- Who else would have exercised me? Do you know how good I feel?

Do you know how I'm refreshed? I feel like I was at a yogurt spa with cucumbers on my eyes. You should enjoy it because you're in Hollywood. You're going to be re-what's the opposite of exorcised? You're inorsized. Oh, yeah. Pretty soon over here. And I might get to a point because we're in Hollywood

where I get addicted to this feeling and you're going to have to come back every six weeks and re-exercise me. I'd love to come back. Right. How much? For the exorcism? Yeah. Just one of these drinks. It's fine. I'm having fun. That's it?

Yeah. Maybe you'll see every two weeks. All right. Let me start talking about a little bit of money. Okay. Come down. Folks, you got to see Rick. Catch him doing stand-up. I think you're touring, right, all over the country or locally in Austin? Or what are you doing?

I'm in L.A. for now, for a little bit. Yeah. I'm staying in L.A. a little bit. Yeah. I'm touring. I have some dates coming up with and really. K and Heath and on my own March and April and with all the Kiltoni guys just catch me on Sadman Rick and everything's posted there and they can also see you in action on YouTube you have videos of you in action doing your stand-up yeah have some of those yeah so folks give him a shot he won on his first time on kill Tony as you can see probably can I go out on a limb here

Go for it. I don't want to embarrass you. Probably the funniest vampire on the circuit. That we know. That we know. There are others who, it's a night game, so there could be others. Even though he sucks. Yeah.

He's still great. Thank you. That's a good compliment. Folks, that's it for today. Check out Rick. Follow him. Go to his shows. He's hilarious.

That's it for today on the Holland Highway podcast. Until next time, chicken chau main, watch your next. And we get a final hiss. We'll see you next time. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh? You get to pick the topic you want me to discuss. Give me some talking points, and off we go.

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