The Harland Highway - RYAN LONG talks taking it to the streets, and helps a bro through his time of the month!

Episode Date: October 29, 2024

This episode is sponsored by: Mando and HIMS --Control Body Odor ANYWHERE with @shop.mando and get $5 off off your Starter Pack (that’s over 40% off) with promo code [HARLAND] at shopmando.com! #mandopod --Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/HARLAND with promo code: HARLAND Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, I'm Danny L'Priori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off. It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your device.

devices, alerts you to real-time threats and more. Start your free trial at aura.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. I screwed up on Gay Pride last year, my little nephew. He's nine years old. And he said, I want to, I want to, you know, see this pride thing. And so I took him to the zoo and threw him over the wall into the lion. enclosure.

God, my sister is not happy. Tough love. I said, that's a pride kid. And that kid was shredded. Just shred. We got him out, but just shredded. How much blood, right? Well, so much blood like every color of the rainbow on him.

Like guts. And so when we pulled him out, he actually looked like it was gay pride. All the colors, guts and snod and pink and flesh. And he was all the colors of the rainbow. Rainbow. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams.

So this is a, you know, a minimum. Four hour podcast. Oh, I'm familiar with podcasting. You want to stretch your legs. Well, sometimes this will bleed into five hours. So if you're okay doing a five-hour podcast. body. I usually like to take a little break. If we're doing five, I mean, I like to get to the 10 home stretch. Okay. You're going to want to put your stamp on the podcast. What's the longest you've done?

We did, I did one with Bobby Lee 23 hours. Couldn't make it the full day. We took it. Well, we technically, we did 24. We did a 45 minute nap and lunch. Yeah, you got to do nap. We just had the, if you ever seen those little snack packs, you open them? And there's crackers, cheese, and meat. Yep. Like, they're called luncheables, I think. Yes, sir.

So me and Bobby had one of those each. And then, um, if you're going to take the nap, you do want to do it on the same bed so you don't lose your synergy that you've created. Yeah, no, we spooned, we spooned. Mm-hmm. You don't want to lose what you started. Um, get rid of my phone. Get all rigged up.

I'm going to crack a frosty. You got to set to drink? Well, if I crack a frosty, then I'm going to have to go to the bathroom real quick. Whoa. Dude. Mr. Feziewick. Doing damage already.

By the way, I'm just looking at you and I'm thinking, I said this just off the cuff. Is Mr. Feziewick one of your favorite Charles Dickens characters? Or am I not reading this right? No, I can see why you would have heard that because I've message. There's a lot of times. that I'll reference Fezzywick. Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of just my go-to reference. So I'm not off. Fesie-Wick, yeah. I'm not off with this. No, I talk about Fezzy-Wick. That's my top three for

sure. Your top three- When I'm doing, when I'm doing writing, a lot of times what I'll do is I'll just brainstorm off the word Fez-Iwick even. It's a big part of my creative process, but. Yeah, you Fezzy-wick it up and then Fez-I-W-It down. Sometimes I try to do an acrostic poem, you know, get the juices flowing. Frigg, I start with that usually. What the age? Actually, you, do you, do you have frig in the vocabulary still? Frigg, no. Because my mom says, Guy. She's big on that.

You're the only person I've heard lately that my mom says that nonstop. What are you doing there, Guy? Guy. Uh-huh. Oh, Frigg. Frigg off. Frig off. Yeah, Frig off, man.

Have you ever heard of a thing called a frigate bird? No. There's a bird called a frigate. It's a marine bird. Bird gives no shits, huh? Yeah. And even its call is like, Frig off. Frig off.

That's how they named me. You know how chickadee is chickadee, dee, d, d. Uh-huh. So this is Frigg off. Sure. And then down in Costa Rica, they have the fuck-off bird. And it's the cousin to the, it's like, fuck off. Young, fuck off.

The Frigg-off, you know, when it brings its shenanigans around the fuck-off, it's time to go home. See, shenanigans. Another word, only someone in a Fezzywick state of mind would toss that. Yeah, shenanigans is a big one for the Frig-off community. Oh, God. Well, folks, speak in a community. Welcome to the podcast community. And my very special Guestuidwe is none of the other.

I got a little, I had a list for a second. Yeah, sometimes you pop in and out. Like I've never had a little. Don't forget where you came from. Yeah, where I screamed from. Folks, Ryan Long is here. And holy God, dude.

I want to start with, we got to talk about your eyes. You like the eyes? Well, they brought them for you. They're penetrating. They're blue. do you ever get into a scenario where moths fly into your eyes bugs night insects like they're just like these burning orbs yeah you know you do have to wear the mosquito net around your head you do well depends if you want how you want your day to go but yeah i've been known to

net them up if i'm going to be out and out and about with a lot of bugs yeah the word starts to get out in the bug community that they got a hub right yeah you know you know how bugs are why am i telling you. I don't look. Bug me up, bug me down. Buggery's coming to town or whatever the saying is. That's, I believe that's it. You know that? But bro, your eyes are, they're beautiful crystal blue. They're a bit disarming a little bit. If I can categorize them, I'm going to go and don't take offense, but I'm going to say palm reader meets Don River Strangler. Like a little bit of that. But you're saying I have the ability to, you know, grab someone's palm, look into their eyes, tell them, what I believe to be their life

and have them believe me, let their guard down, and then it's strangling, and then it's strangling time, yeah. Then put the isotona's on its game day. God. Like your eye, and I hate to, I'm not going to dwell on it, but I appreciate good eyes.

The eyes haven't come up in a long time. I'll tell you what I do get coming up right and left in the comment section is the lack of eyebrows. I get killed on that. Oh, you do? Mm-hmm. But see, a guy with beautiful crystal blue guys.

You can't have all the luck. You don't want them. You don't want the eyebrows are going to take. They're going to take away from the eyes. Like, you've got those emerging from the shadow, like, glowing eyes. You know how there's a movie or an illustration of like a dark alley? Sure. And all of a sudden just these eyes fade in, like zombie eyes.

Yeah, well, if I take the contacts out, they, you know. Oh, so those aren't really blue? Well, the eyes aren't blue. No, there's a, they're actually, well, this is kind of weird, but I actually de-blood them. They're more blue normally. Come on. I just put a little bit of a dulling contact on them. No, you didn't.

don't want this to be happening every right and left i'm just trying to get a coffee the guy's droning on about my eyes yeah you blewed them down i blew them down just a just a tad but obviously not enough is what really happened wow yeah you got every now and then you got to tone them down a second you know yeah blew down and they're still like it's making up for the eyebrows yeah do people really come in you don't have eyebrows it's a number one comment i get is this guy doesn't have eyebrows i never noticed till right now I didn't notice either until I started being on the internet. What causes that loss of eyebrows? Well, I think it's that the eyebrows are just super light.

So they're there. They're just super, you know, light colored, which is, I think, a product of being partially ginger. Like I've got a tiny bit of ginger blood, you know? Yeah, they're definitely there. I'll give you a fun fact about gingers. Okay. So I went to the dentist every single time, always hurts.

Oh, let me guess you had ginger vitus. thank you very much yeah you got there before me no wait was that your joke no no okay the worst thing comedians can do is steal another guy's joke i was like ooh i got the ginger bite you're like fucker okay but that wasn't it okay start again go so every time i go the freezing doesn't work like the which in america they don't call it freezing they call it numbing which i now know in freezing is a Canadian term I've been told and numbing by the way is just actually living in American society. That's what happened.

It took you down. Okay. So I do this forever. And then I talk to a dentist and I go, every time I'm at the thing, it doesn't work. So it just feels like a guy drilling. And he goes,

do you have any red hair? And I got some like reds in my beard. I got light eyebrows. He goes, yeah, freezing doesn't work on red hair people apparently. Come on. I said this maybe like a year and a half ago on my podcast. I got 40 messages from dudes being like,

hey, I'm like ginger. And I've been saying this for 10 years and it's never worked on. me so this is apparently a fact that for whatever reason the viking blood you know just the slight whatever mutation made you part ginger also makes you not be able to uh it can't turn it off you know freezing doesn't work on on red heads sometimes i'm sure it's not every single time but i'm sure there's someone right now listening with red hair that's been like yeah i've the freezing has not really worked on me that you got to figure there's a bunch of eskimos sitting around in an igloo right now like nunda tunk hunka to tung tank tank tank and

his little buddy, the gung-tunk-munk-a-the-o-tong-a-tong. And they're just like, me wishing me had them red hair. Oh, of course. Me freezing in igloo. Me-wish-a-me-jinger. Well, yeah, yeah, it doesn't work on them.

Yeah. You're sitting there, and the ice bath, you're feeling good still. Oh, God. Yeah, I guess that ice bath thing that Rogan does won't work. Well, that's not technically. I think it's a different type of freezing.

Okay, so now I'm the dumb-dum. Well, you know. Or stupid. None of us are experts here. Talk hard. As I say this, I don't also know what I'm talking about. But I would assume whatever's going on with these dentist freezing is something to do with. They turn your nerves off, I believe.

Oh, wow. It should be helpful for a stand-up comedian. Yeah. Have you ever had your mouth frozen or no? Yes, it doesn't work. So you've never experienced kind of that. Oh, that part works. You do this and you can't feel it.

Yeah. That works. Except for when they put the needles in, I still feel them exactly like just as good as if I didn't have any, any numbing. But wait, when they put the needle in, you're supposed to feel it. Yeah, I feel that. And then they inject the stuff, but then everything goes frozen. No, when they're drills. Sorry, when they're drilling.

Oh, when they're drilling. When they're drilling, I might as well have just walked in straight off the street and the guy just started torturing me. Oh, you might as well get your teeth done at Home Depot if you can feel the drilling. So when I go to a dentist, there's way more drills at Home Depot. I might as well be doing it at the Depot, you know, cheaper. you grab a couple of Mexicans, pop them on there, saying, you, what are we working on today? I go, this back one, it was right.

By the way, those, the Mexican laborers that stand out in the parking lot and wait for you to go home and do labor, they also do incredible dental work. People just think they put up siding, do roofing. I had three root canals by a guy for, in a Home Depot part. He goes, hey, signor, you. And I said, he goes, yeah. And, yeah.

I've heard about that. laughing. Well, I'm laughing because I'm surprised that we've had the same experience. You know what I mean? Wow. Yeah. You've had a Mexican day labor do dental work for you? I just get two because they're so cheap. You're like, you know what? One of you's going to get it right.

Yeah. Just double down. Why not at that point? Yeah. And believe it or not, one thing that a mistake some people make is when they see the, you know, day laborers, they will think it's a prostitute on the side of the road

and that'll end you up in a bad situation. Oh, way. The dental work is actually not a myth that will happen, yeah. So you're saying some people misinterpret the day laborers in the Home Depot parking lot as working girls. Yeah, it's been known to happen, yeah. So they go how much? The guy goes 100 bucks.

They go, that's a good deal, yeah. Yeah. So he thinks the day labor. For the full day, he thinks he's getting the girlfriend experience from this guy. Because he says full day,

100 bucks. The guy goes, full day. He can't buy a deal like that, you know? So the day laborer thinks he's going to do some shingling or some drywall and cut to him bent over a couch. He's doing woodwork one way or the other, yeah.

Oh, wow. Yeah, cut to him bent over the couch being like when, you know, when do we get the tools out? The guy goes, my tools are. already out. Yeah. I was here to do some leaf blowing, not some blowing, senor.

Yeah, yeah. When you said blowing, I thought you meant, you know, with the leaf blower. And I didn't think I'd be bent over a couch, senor. He thought he was getting the signor's discount on, but really he was getting a senior's discount because the guy was like, oh, you're an old guy. I'll give you it cheaper. And the guy's like, oh, the senior senior discount. Mexicans do it cheaper, yeah. You just made me think about this. If a seigneur, like an old Mexican, He's a senior senior? Like a 95-year-old, can he go to a movie and goes, give me the senior-seigneur discount?

And he basically, they almost pay him to go to the movie. Yeah, they go, oh, you're not a signor. He goes, explain this novelty-sized hat that I'm wearing. Why else would I be wearing a three-foot, you know, circumference hat to a movie if I wasn't a seigneur? You know what's interesting? Now, you're a bit younger than me, one or two years. A couple years?

We grew up in Canada. Mm-hmm. Did you go right downtown Toronto? North York in the suburbs. Yeah, Ajax, Ontario. Ajax, Ontario, which is east of Toronto, about 30, 40 miles, right along the same isotherm. 401 tour. Is it an is it an isotherm?

The latitude and, is that called an isotherm? You're going to have to explain to me what an isotherm isotherm is. You know, when you look on a map and there's the latitude and longitude lines, are those called isotherms? I don't want them to hear. I don't want them to know that we don't know this yet. So you don't know anything. Come back up. I'd say you pop it off, you Google it, you come back up.

And you go, as I was saying, obviously what everyone would know is what an Ithoturp is. Isoterm. Tarp. Isotarp. Amber. Can you look up on? Not related to Uma thermand either, believe it or not. You are?

No, it's not the isotherm. Isotherma. Some people have thought that that's where it came from. I saw the umma thermotherm. She had nothing to do with that. Umatom. Wait. Can you look up the term isotherm for us, Amber?

Please, and report back effective immediately? How do you talk to people? You better off with the Mexican day laborers. Could you look up isotherm and let me know immediately with the leaf blower? When you look, when you pick up day labor, do you speak to them in their native tongue like that? I speak Spanish. Yeah. I speak fluent Spanish.

Why would you? It's easy. Like I thought it would be hard like I'd have to go to DeVry, but I just thought, let me try it on. a whim and I was at the home deal. It was like, Hey, seigneur, would you like to come and do some drywall? And he understood me perfectly. His native tongue. And I was

like sort of proud of myself because I didn't think I was great with picking up languages. Yeah. But it was, it's almost like if you let your instincts take over, you can learn new languages. I have that. I have that experience in Quebec. I go, a cigarette, a poutine. They go, Putin and cigarette.

I go, yeah. Yeah. You heard me. Yeah. Hey, everyone. I want to talk to you about Mando. Yes, Mando, 72-hour odor control. I mean, this stuff, you can put it all over your body. You can put it in your pits. You can put it down in the magic area. You can put it across your forehead if you want. This stuff is great. No sulfates, no aluminum, vegan, die-free, cruelty-free. Mando is what you want, and it's great. It's great to prevent you from stinking. And we now have a special offer where brand new customers get $5 off, a starter pack with our exclusive code and link.

Just use the code Harland at shopmando.com. That's S-H-O-M-A-N-D-O.com. And this starter pack, is perfect for new customers. It comes with the solid stick deodorant, the cream tube deodorant, and two free products of your choice, like mini body wash and deodorant wipes. And don't forget, folks, free shipping. Free shipping, everything helps. So let me remind you that luckily, I have a discount code to help you get hooked on my favorite smelling whole body deodorant on the market. New customers get $5 off a starter pack with our exclusive code.

And by the way, that equates to over 40% off your starter pack. Use code Harland at shopmando.com. That's S-H-O-M-A-N-D-O.com. Let's go. Let's go. Let's M-O-O-M-O. Hey, Harland here, and do you guys ever feel like you need a little boost in the bedroom? You know, you don't want to worry about your performance. You're in the zone. Everything's going great. And you want to feel confident. You want to feel ready.

You want to be able to rock and roll. And this is why you got to have hymns, okay? Hymns helps you stay whenever you're in the mood. the process is 100% online, so there's no need for visiting a doctor's office and having that old uncomfortable talk about your friend downstairs. You can start your free online visit today at hymns.com slash Harland. That's H-I-M-S-com slash Harland for your personalized ED options. Hymns.com slash Harland. Now, the The products mentioned are chewable compounded products, which are not approved by or verified

for safety or effectiveness by the FDA. Prescriptions require an online consultation with a health care provider who will determine if appropriate. Restrictions do apply. See website for details and important safety information. Subscription required. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. So guys, get at it, have fun, and get hymns for hers, if you know what I mean. Oh, what is it?

Isotherm is a line on a map connecting points having the same temperature at any given time. Now, can we Google what's a map? I don't want to. Oh, can we Google Map? Yeah, I don't want to. Can we Google Maps? Wait, thank you.

I think I think I was right with Isotherm. Nailed it. do we understand i feel like i still don't understand it though even though we got a clear reading yeah we got a pretty clear reading i have no idea really i'm still hung up on this map business i'm still stupid as i was about 30 seconds ago like really dumb really dumb like really royally tarred again that's where the accent comes in handy because they go this guy's just foreign you know what i was so tarp is you go uh signor i am only you know isotherm i so well again again uh signor that's if you put the act

accent on that it's it's just respectful what if i asked you in me you're in germany you put the german accent on it's just respectful what if i asked you a mexican maybe you'd understand it it's in your do you know what an isotherm is uh now i do yeah i did actually help what is it so are you familiar with it what a map is i've heard that some people are sure yeah map yeah so once we get past that there is lines on a map uh and those are both called isotherbs I thought it was isotherms. I know that a lot of people think it's the Uma-Thirman connection. It has been made before.

But different maps. And if you go, North York is a little closer to Toronto on the isotherm than Ajax, Ontario, Canada, on the border of Pickering. Fun fact, Pickering, Ontario. I went to Pickering High School in Pickering Village, which is in Ajax. I went to Pickering College in Newmarket, a boarding school run by Quakers. New Market, man. That's the religious? Yeah.

I didn't even know they had those. Yeah. They got a whole school out there? A whole school of them. And they got you in there. They got me in there and cream of wheat. Delicious. Interesting.

It was just you and a bunch of quakes? I mean, that's the derogatory. They don't like to call that. Especially the ones that have... I don't like to do the ER though as well. The quakes that have Parkinson's really don't like when you call them that either. That's just God playing tricks on them. Yeah.

After all they've done for him. Yeah. Um, but, uh, yeah, I went to a place called Pickering College and you went to Pickering High School. Dude, look at us. Give me a Pickering. Hell yeah, right? Wow. You know, it's, I didn't think we'd bond this fast, but wow.

I'll tell you something that I was just thinking you'd find this funny, but if you're, I'm sure you've toured all over probably, you know, went to year out. Everywhere. Okay, so. I was an Ireland one. Did you ever have that happened when you went to, if you go to, if you ever try to go to like Singapore, of those places, you have to get your jokes approved by the department of humor? Oh, yeah, when I went to Saudi Arabia. Isn't that funny?

They said, be careful. Don't say this. Don't say that. And I was like, what are you talking about? And then I went out. Doing your blowjob act. Yeah. And some guy's name was Muhammad.

And I do a lot of crowd work. And I go, oh, Muhammad. Oh, everybody. And afterwards, I go, don't ever make fun of Muhammad. Well, it wasn't Mexican, but don't ever make fun of Muhammad. Yeah. Mholland? My Holland.

My Holland Drive. Muhammad. Like, that's a sacred name in the Arabic world. I didn't know. I just thought it was a beautiful name. Well, it's not that sacred because every second one of them has it. Right, but it's based after, I guess, Muhammad is a representation of a God or the God or a prophet or I'm naive. I don't even know what I so terms are.

Most common name in the world. Is Muhammad? Yeah, that's what I was saying. If you're in a relationship, it's kind of funny because you're not even the top Muhammad in your own house. You know, imagine she's in the other room worshipping a different guy named Harlan. Like how much, you know what I mean? And then her dad's name, Harlan. You're not even the top three, to be honest, in this woman's life.

It's not Larry? Larry's in the mix, but he's like, you know, obviously like a henchman or whatever. Because now that you mention it when I was in Saudi Arabia, not one guy named Larry. Huh. A bit of a Larry drought over there. A lot of Mohammeds, a lot of Ahmeds. I think number two is Ahmed. Because first child's probably Mohammed.

Then they're like, well, we used it. And they're like, well, we can probably do it again. You know, we can double down. Ockman's awkward to me. Mm-hmm. And that's his middle name, by the way. Ahmed awkward. Did you?

So you had to, when they do it, it's funny to me, the head of the Department of Humor. Yeah. You would think would be a fun guy. Right. You'd expect him to be a ball. But you went to Thailand and what happened? Well, I was talking about doing some dates. And I looked at, so they have to get approved by the Department of Humor.

The number one thing is no gay stuff. No drugs, no gay stuff. Okay. And they don't mean, like, don't make fun of gays. They're like, don't mention it exists. Don't even mention it exists. Wow. But it's a guy, it's just an Asian guy.

And he's sitting there and he's the head of the Department of Humor. You walk into the Department of Humor, you'd expect, you know, a hand buzzer. I'm expecting, you know, it makes the tie into a tongue. I expect a fun guy. Something funny. You expect a fun, silly. Sense of humor. This guy seems like a ride.

My buddy's coming out tonight. He's actually the head of the Department of Humor. This guy is going to be a blast. Yeah. Only thing he shows up is just like a gang. gangster guy that's like, you know, no gay shit. Yo, what, why are you talking about, you know, butt sex? Like, no, no thank you.

Yeah. Turns out he's not fun. Wow. But I'm not doing it. So I was like, yeah, there's no gay shit. Oh, you're not doing the whole tour? I don't know if you heard me. They said no gay jokes. So, yeah, obviously I'm out.

You, you, a big part of your, your playlist is gay jokes. 90%. Do you have one we could hear for it? Because a lot of people don't know a gay joke. They've never heard any? They've never heard any. A lot of people don't even know what gay is. That's not true, is it?

It is, yeah. Yeah. So if you wouldn't mind, if you could dipy-doodle and drop us a gay joke, just, you know, for reference for the folks, for my viewers. I'll tell you what, the folks, I'm going to do a little ditty from a special. Check it out. YouTube.com slash Ryan Long Comedy. I saw two gay dudes that were Trump supporters with the Trump shirts holding hands. Yeah. Ideal situations, build the wall, then put a glory hole in it. Oh. So if you want to see the continuation of that, pop on over.

Is that the whole joke? Mama, it's only a taste. You asked, you asked it for a ditty. Oh, a doodily day. You want me to do a, you're looking for a bit here. Well, if you have a, like a full bit, like a, we're going in. Like, do you have a shorter one or a lot, what, what, what, you do it? You're the gay guy.

You're the, you're the, you're the comedian. You, you, you're a gay guy. You decide. You shouldn't say that with your mouthful like that. Yeah, it sounded a little. No, I, I, look, I was just like, kind of like, you're a gay guy. Well, I actually say, I donated to the gay pride.

I donated to the, I donate to all the praids, right? I donate to the cancer march to help them cure cancer. I donated to the gay pride to help them cure cancer. Yeah. You're gay. Yeah. Oh, wow. A lot of people know that.

That is what they're raising money for. For gays? Mm-hmm. I screwed up on gay pride last year, my, my little nephew. He's nine years old. Showed up fully clothed? Well, he showed up clothed and he said, I want to, I want to, I want to, you know, see this pride thing.

And so I took him to the zoo and threw him over the wall into the lion enclosure. God, my sister is not happy. Tough love. I said, that's a pride kid. And that kid was shredded. Just shredded. We got him out, but just shredded. How much blood, right?

Well, so much blood like every color of the rainbow on them, like guts. And so when we pulled him out, he actually looked like it was gay pride. Yeah, he's walking funny, obviously. walking and just all with all the colors, guts and snod and pink and flesh and he was all the colors of the rainblow. Rainbow. When I was in Hamilton, Ontario,

me and my friends, we were probably 20 at this point. Wow. We went to a porno theater. Are you familiar with those? Not me. I keep going. So we thought it would be hilarious, right? This is after a bar, seven guys.

We're like, that's pretty funny. Pornow theater. We go in there. You go in. it was so it's a gay porno theater turns out i'm probably 20 50 year old man walks in just starts grabbing our dicks and we're like what the so we get up push the guy try to run and then basically the guy starts walking after us and then when i was leaving i slid there's a railing and i slid down the railing and as i was sliding down a nail hit my ass and then ripped my pants and then so

I left the gay club, the gay porno theater, and then I got blood on my ass. And I was saying it's a final destination situation where God was like, no, this is happening one way or the other. Yeah. Uh-huh. True story. They have, if you think you're going to a porno theater

and I guess this would have been 2015, you're not. What was the name of the facility? It was the Peewee Herman. It was called the Peewee Herman house. Yeah. Pewee Herman Theater. But so what happens is it's a front. Yeah, or a rear.

It's a rear. Now, wait a minute. You were with how many guys? Oh, the whole squad. The boys were... Like how many? Easily seven. Seven of you.

You said an old man came in and grabbed each one of you like he was playing the xylophone. Not each one. Probably went for one or two guys. Okay, you said he grabbed all of us. Well, maybe not all of us. Now, somebody's fabricated... It's a little bit of a murky story that I haven't thought about in quite a while,

but we used to talk about this a lot because it was hilarious. You're going to fabricate a big gay story. You better come in with some big guy fat. This one's got some corroborators. You better come in with some straight facts on your gay story. Darrell Hardy, do you know that name? No, thanks. I'm busy.

Yeah. Well, he'd be able to, he'd be able to corroborate this. He'd corroborate the story. I mean, he'd corroborate the gay story. If we don't need a corroborate it, we don't need to corroborate it. But if you want, we can call him here if you have the technology. I love corroborator gumbo, by the way. Have you ever had that down in the bio?

Oh, before we go any further. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Holland Highway podcast. What a treat we have today. Ryan Long is here, comedian, writer, actor, YouTube star. I'd almost say a little bit of an activist in a comedic way. You think so? Well, just because I want to touch on it. But wait, let me see what I got on you first here.

I get all these notes. Let me see what I got on Ryan Long here. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, that one's true. That one's true. This one. But you, you do a lot of provocative, amazing videos. Thank you.

Like, I've watched all the gallery ones, like, you're out in the street. You're talking on a lot of, like, social sort of hot spot topics. Yeah. Like, what's the latest one going on, would you say? is like, you know, through your prism, what's kind of the hot, like, social topic right now that you're, you're, like, getting your closet to. It's a little, it's a little calmer right now,

if I'm being honest, but the election's about to happen and things are going to go crazy again, or they're not. Well, see, to me, things have normaled out a little bit. Okay. But to me, probably the funniest one that's recently is the epidemic of people going to the art galleries and throwing soup on them.

Oh, yeah. That, to me, that to me is the funniest thing. Why is that funny? Because I think it's funny, too, but I want to see how you see it through your prism. Well, first of all, they went to jail. First of all, like, they're going to jail, and then every art gallery has to make, like,

so now the ivory art gallery has to have all these, like, security and making sure that no one has any soup on them. They have to have, like, a soup shield. They do. They have to soup proof the entire museum. You know what? In the old days, you had a revolution, and it's like, people would sneak a rocket launcher into it.

Now it's like, Daryl, is the soup ready? Is the cream of mushrooms? soup ready. Yeah. We need to throw it on Van Gogh sunflowers by midnight. We're changing the world. Yeah. We're changing the world one cup of bean and bacon soup.

You think this is going to change the world? Yeah. We get some spice in here. Yeah. This is nothing. This bland soup's not going to change the world. Yeah, it's got to be done right if we're going to make a dent like that. That's their big one.

I actually did a joke where I said vegans might be the most hated activist group. And everyone corrected me. They're like, no, the most, this is, I just released it recently. So this is new. but that all of the people corrected me being like the most hated activist group right now is probably the ones that block off traffic, which I can see just being like a construction worker on your way home from work, just getting blocked off.

And be these guys are going to get the, you know, and they're sitting down. They won't move. And a lot of them are girls, right? So you can't even get physical with them. Yeah. What about the people, let's say, their wife's in labor? Wife's in labor.

Yeah, there might be some real shit. Vegetarians, they're blocking a road because they don't want people to eat, you know, a hamburger, and some guy's babies dying in the minivan. Well, you know who's even better than that, the French ones, the French activist, their whole thing is they show their tits a lot, right? Okay, well, that seems like a good protest. Good protest, probably bad strategy. Has any girl ever said, hey, Harlan, like, you got to stop littering,

are you going to see some tits? Yeah. It looks like I littered again, you know. I said, you got to have dicks at the rally. If you want, like, this is where they screw up because at the rat, all the French protest, they're all out there and they got. their tits out and they're like stop polluting here's our tits you know yeah what they needed the rally every day 50,000 dudes helicopter and dicks fat or the better then every french guy would be like

you guys win like we'll stop polluting whatever else i'll take the bus whatever you need that to me is the solution to that equation tits aren't going to make me stop doing something yeah they're gonna be they're gonna feed me but then again you got to remember they're gonna feed you a lot of time these protesters are not necessarily the Victoria's Secret models. That's true. A lot of times those boobs come out. The French ones aren't that bad. They just have armpit hair.

They're sevens with armpit hair. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harblink. At Harbleng.com, you can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts.

You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, we got t-shirts, you name it. It's there at Harbleng.com. I'll get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support.

And I'll just keep the, uh, the groovy images coming. Not being said, unless you're a, you've got to be pretty gross. Have you shown me a straight up like six midday and you're like, want to see the tits? You go, I'll check them out. You know, I'm not going to, if they're coming out, I'll be. Peep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you've got to be pretty gross to deter with tits.

Dude's tits, potentially. I don't know. I've seen some of those. See, this wouldn't be allowed in Singapore. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, we couldn't talk about this. Department of humor would be on your ass right now. But sometimes you'll see a nipple so hairy.

It looks like someone ran over Tom Selleck with a steam roller. It's just like, it's like ring around the rosy. Yeah. And then they got a dick. The girls? Well, the hairy girls. Yeah. And then before you know it, you're saying, wait a, you know,

Wait a second. Do you remember there was, I think it was two years ago. Some activists sat across the road going to Burning Man. What were they trying to stop? And Burning Man is on Indian land. So the Indians from the reserve, they just came in with their trucks. They rammed them.

No rules on the reserves. They moved everything. They pulled the guns. They were like, get off. And these people were, they cleaned it up in three seconds. so it was like no bullshit like you're not doing that here so the native people have it under control yeah it's their land they're like you're not doing this here we don't care about your cause we got enough causes of our own we don't need your like save the narwhals or you know no silkworm

grease or whatever they do that's a fun video to watch i'd like to see that one you got to see it it's it's a goody um have you ever been in trouble because you do these skits out in public, you interact with people. I wouldn't say punk them, but you get these issues. Let me ask you a question because, I don't know if you realize this. That the, well, you tell me your opinion on this. Well, is it a question or an opinion? It's going to be a big mix of both.

All of the best people at street stuff come from Britain or Canada. So if you look at it, the Sachsmerin Cohen, Tom Green, Nathan Fielder's really good. And if you look at all the biggest ones, they were all originally British or Canadian. And I have a theory. Yeah. But you have a theory. Well, tell me if you notice that, you're friends with Tom Green, right? He's one of the goats.

Yeah. And, but then the jackass guys kind of took over his vibe. That's America. And there, you got to admit, they're good at it. They're great at it. Yeah. It's different. I mean, a good way to explain it is American, America turns it into pranks and simplifies it, right?

So Tom Green was doing, you know, a lot of. like weird esoteric stuff, Jackass is very, I'm this, I'm doing this. So America very simplifies it, right? Which I think the best people at, and you're a guy that's really good at this,

probably maybe better than anyone, that you would be amazing at this. You're able to, like, remove yourself from a comedy bit that you're doing. And I feel that Americans are less able to remove themselves. How do you mean? So you can... Maybe I don't even know what I do.

This is news to me. What do you mean? I don't want to decad. You're right. deacon now I'm deconstructing you to you but yeah how dare you I don't even know what that means you could do well you could do an opinion on stage yeah and you're you're going really hard on an opinion and the audience isn't sure whether you think that or not oh I see the real thing that you think is they can't get they don't know yeah and they they can't figure it out I call

that a double dutchy cinnamon twirl just flinder pops what I do is I flinder pop I surrender pal I double drip nip I fumble grip Wally Gank Polywag Stiffledy dunk and fumbleblah Yeah they're sitting here

with birds going around their head They don't know that They don't understand that They don't know whether you They don't know whether you like black girls Or don't like black girls They know that you've been talking about it What's a black girl?

They don't even know if you know potentially what one is To me a black girl Is a white girl Is an Eskimo girl Is it to the pie As an Asian girl Is to the Tahitian girl is to the Tahitian girl

Well to me that's the quality That, uh, fimbledi dump, scrably dump, jimble-de-dump. Uh-huh. My big social thing now that's bugging the hell out of me, and I got to hear what you think about this. I'm listening. They're saying that the men can have the periods. Yeah.

And this has been driving me nuts up until about seven months ago, I get my first period. I didn't think for a second men could get periods. It's like, this is all political times. This is all social activist talks. Men can, they're putting tampo machines and men, but I'm like, what a bunch of malarkey. And then here I'm on a plane to Ohio, Cleveland, Ohio to do a gig, and I start spotting. I'm sitting there in, I think it was a window seat, F3. Were there signs before people being like you're cranky today?

I was cramping. I was sort of bent over. I thought it was like a bad night at Taco Bell, but I'm having these deep intestinal like sort of rate him the pelvic area sort of buckled over at times a little moody and since I've had some really moody days where I murdered a family in a minivan

and now I got a lot. It's that time a month. Yeah, it's hard to hold you accountable in a court of law even, you know, any jury's going to see that. And so now I got a lawyer up because I got menstrual cramps and so now I'm dealing I'm dealing with a big lawsuit

that I murdered a minivan with a family in it. And I think we're going to... Tadletails, really. Yeah, I think it's going to be one of those court cases where, you know, you get off. It's going to get politicized. You know it's going to get politicized, too. Yeah. People are going to take their sides. Like, you just want to get this resolved and it's going to become a national politics story. Yeah. But I think I'm going to get off it. It's like the defendant, oh, they were crazy. Well, I was cramping.

Why wouldn't I murder a minivan with a family? Yeah. Have you ever... I mean, you're going to have to, you're going to have no choice, but to bring the other people on the state. strap them up to the period bell, you know, have them get electric you to be like, this is what I was going through.

Right. I mean, really, what, you're kind of left with no options because it's not widely known that that can happen. However,

now that, you know, I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm glad that that's getting resolved. But once it does get resolved, are you happy that you now have the perfect excuse to get out of every event? It is a little handy.

And especially when you're in, in a situation with your, your girlfriend, you now have an out. I'm on my period. Yeah, guess who, So am I.

Honey, how come we haven't been out to dinner lately? Shut up. I'm raking the leaves or what, you know, the anger. But what's really tough for me is because we're men. And these tampons, I mean, I don't know if you've had a period yet, but when I insert them, it is like passing a kidney stone in reverse. And what I have to do is, do you remember when you're a kid, like to pull these things out as torturous?

Yeah. When you were a kid, you remember you had to tie a thing, around your tooth with a string and slam the door. Ah, you got to. Dude, if you wouldn't mind, just, if you wouldn't mind, this thing's been in me for about a week and a half, if you would just give it on, on three, please. Just one, two, three. So.

Oh, my God. Okay. Wow. Holy smokes. That, uh, and. Oh, thank you. so much. Not a lot of blood, which is good. Yeah, well, that's the second one. That's the, the, the, the, the cleanup one. But by God, they just sting. It's, it's just, yeah, thank you for that.

Yeah, if I wasn't here, what would you do? I would have tied to the door. Well, that's what I mean, you'd be jerry rigging all these. I mean, my neighbor has a pickup truck. And sometimes you'll let me tie this to the back bumper. Well, you don't want your menstrual cycles be tied to your neighbor's schedule. That gets complicated. You're right. And I don't like them knowing my business. Yeah. On top of that. Sometimes, sometimes. things these don't come out easy no but now the people know i listen i would love to be in a situation where i could call my friends and be like love to come to the baby shower my dick's gushing blood and have no questions asked yeah or the rectum in your case yeah do you put that in the pee hole

or is that the this goes right up the pee hole and that's what i'm saying it's no fun if men are going to have periods can we please can we make them yeah something that fits up there because these are killing me the only upside is you can use them as candles Afterwards, you double your, so it's a, yeah, from a financial perspective, that helps, but that doesn't really, you know, it's not really solving the pain situation. Yeah, it doesn't. But at least you can repurpose them. If there's a power outage, you got, you know, candles.

If you're an altar boy, you know. And do you pee around it? Is that how it happens? Just sort of. That's the thing. It just gets messy. You have to pee around it. And the technology's new to.

People don't really know about this the way that they know about female periods. Yeah. But they're putting these in, just so you know, ladies. this is the plight of us, man. Hello, they're putting these in men's bathrooms. Hello, they're putting these in men's bathrooms, and this is what we're dealing with as men now that we have periods. Yeah.

God forbid I have a kid. Apparently, no men can have kids. Have you heard this one? I'm hoping that one doesn't come out of the dickhole. Me neither. Who wants stretch marks on their mushroom cap? Yeah. You might want to stretch it out a little, but, I mean, not like that.

Not like that. You don't want the marks. You don't want a mushroom cap that looks like a zebra fish. No. Not like that. You know, again, there's pluses and minuses. Once it becomes a little more mainstream, the excuses, I go back to this, but it is a very positive thing.

However, you know, the pain that you're going through, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. On a plane nonetheless, as if a plane's not a bad enough experience as is, you're back there in coach, you know, I would assume. Yeah, coach, yeah. When you're spotting, you want to sit and coach. And the thing is, the irony is a plane almost feels like a tampon tube. No one believes you.

Yeah. You go, listen, we can do this the easy way or you can clean the blood off the seat. I mean, I don't want to. Yeah. Thank you. I love the way we're bonding. Yeah, I agree. Ask me my name.

Could I get your name, sir? Bond. James bonding with you. Now let me see what else I got on you here. Hold on. Do you want to ask me my name? Or if I just do it? Oh, hang.

I just sort of a one-way street in this friendship. I got to see what I have on you here. Let's see. I was going to do a fat bastard thing, but. Okay. No, let's do it. Okay. No, it's okay.

Tell me your name. That's honestly, the moment's past. I know, but I have. I'm unhappy because I eat, I eat because I'm unhappy. Here's the thing. I have slow listeners. I have about 19 viewers. We have Bob Barnacle blunders down in Dallas and over

here we have uh charlene uh shrapnel face in uh hamilton hey so what's your name tuning in to see the man the legend harlan williams very big legend where i'm from too by the way growing up in comedy very big deal so cool to be friends with you i like to do this because i don't have a chin so whenever i get a chance whenever i get a chance you know they solved that they did yeah it's called You just get a couple extra inches on that beard. Oh, I should just grow the beard down. Oh, yeah. You never seen the videos?

Yeah, but I have a waddle. That's a lot. There would be like these big dictator guys, right? They got these huge. They don't even try to make it look like good beer. They get rid of the mustache. They just got a big thing here. And then they shave it off.

They go, yeah. I'd need like a Klondike gold guy beard to hide this waddle. You just put a, get a couple inches on there. Dude, I went to Marine World. I went to the aquarium. and I, I don't know what it was. I dove in and swallowed a full salmon. Like, I just, it's almost like I couldn't stop my shelf.

Happens. What's your name? James. No, you said earlier to ask me your name. We were past that, though. So I told you the fat bastard bit. It was time sensitive. It's over now.

But they're not. Oh, you're saying that the people are. My viewers aren't quick, guy. They're not speedy. My name is fat bastard. I'm unhappy because I eat them eat because I'm unhappy. hope the people are happy watching at home at hamilton um let me ask the hammer the hammer oh man sweet don't go to the porno theaters yeah not what you think dude um i want to know though

because you you're doing this stuff out in public has there ever been a adverse or violent reaction to you doing a bit and some guy just went uh-uh or actually i got to get there's a bunch of them that are online. I used to, so I did a cable access show in Canada, and then I did, I had this show on like, Bight TV, if you remember them for a minute. I had a bite TV show called Ryan Long has challenged. It was all in the street stuff. I had a show called Crown the Town. Oh, wow. And so I used to do that. When I was younger, the stuff was real crazy, you know, like most of our bits were dangerous. Not dangerous. I would say more dangerous, maybe like legally, but not dangerous. But a big thing we used to do is we are

break dancers and then we'd go into stores and set up like cardboard and then do a break dancing show in like the middle of like a zellers. Sellers, yeah. I haven't heard that in a long time. But I actually had a there was probably one of my, so I had this bit. So the show had been on for like two or three episodes and we did this bit called Python pants. And we were selling these pants that had a, you know, they made your dick look bigger, right? Wow, should have done that at the porno theater.

Well, that might have deterred him, but it also might have made him digging a little harder, right? Yeah, right. He might have been licking his lips. Yeah, you're right. So we went to this place called Harry Rosen, who is, I don't know if that's a suit store, right? Yeah, it's like a suit store. And we went to the head office, and I was pretty good. I'm still fairly good at, like, wezzling.

So I went, we went in, we had the camera crew, and we go, oh, yeah, Harry knows we're coming. Like, he's friends with, I go, he's friends with a friend of the family. I told him I'm coming in for the school project. And then we go, okay, what? and they call them and they're everyone's confused and then before we knew it we just like walked into the CEO's office and then we come in with the full camera clue he's like well i go you know like you the family we told we talked about this you said i could do the project he was so confused he kind of just like let me do this dragon's dead and pitch to him and then basically the bit was uh i had this

briefcase and then we you know pulled them out and it was like Hi, I'm Danny Lopiori. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia. It's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bidder. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from data broker sites and keeps it off.

It also monitors the dark web, safeguards your data. devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ora.com slash control. That's a-U-R-A-com slash control for your free trial. You know, essentially selling them on the idea that what's your piece, five, six inches, bam, that kind of thing, right? He flips out, the security kicks us out. They're like dragging us out.

They eventually got lawyers involved and they got the show canceled immediately. So then we had to be in like some legal. the speed for like a month and a half before they finally we kicked out that we got rid of that and then we were able to like recut the thing and then the show started up again like two months like so he that was probably our biggest thing that was like screwed our whole deal over but there was never any like physical comp like a guy punched you or or threatened you physically like oh yeah yeah we used to see when i was doing their crazy stuff though you talked about like the jackass guys we were like so we were kind of like guys that were in a band that was our you know when i was like

21 we were all like band kids and we had like a van and there was like kind of 12 of us you know what I mean so it never got that crazy just because we rolled pretty deep with a lot of people you had like a posse so yeah it used to be pretty important to me to have like a camera guy that was like a tough guy oh that's smart that's smart yeah things would get pretty crazy right uh but i i used to when i first moved in New York I was uh this was a gay one so I was asking people uh like gangster dudes uh is it gay to eat a hot dog and this guy flipped out and And then he goes, what the fuck you say to me? And he pulled a pencil out and he started putting it up to my neck.

And he was like, what did you say? I go, yeah, he had a pencil. Is he an artist? Yeah, he goes, if you don't, if you keep asking me this line of questioning, I'm going to draw you an autograph. I'm going to paint you. And then he flips out. He goes, stay still.

You know, that's your punishment. But yeah, this guy almost stabbed me with a pencil. Wow. But I ended up getting out of that. I was okay at weaseling out of situations. Probably my best skill in the game. Yeah. This is a little less necessary now.

but at the time when people didn't know as good at as much stuff about cameras I was like almost like a magician at being able to take the memory card out of the camera like while looking at you like grabbing the camera I used to be able to go chchchch and have the memory card and then put it in my sock I used to be able to do that in like a second so then they would come

and then they would always like flip out and then we pretend to delete it yeah and I was like well with the guys like eyes on me talking I was able to like grab it and like put in your sleep like that was my best skill in this game i was really really good at like 20 years old of doing slight of hand with these memory cards i had this guy i used to do a little bit of that stuff but i had a camera guy who he would say he's shutting it off and he'd bring the camera down but he just instinctively kind of knew how to hang the camera down by his waist and so it was

still recorded but it was now it was a different angle but they just think because you took it down and said they would think it's off, but you're still going, but now it's like this weird gorilla angle, but you're still getting material. Sure, I know. Now it's easier because you just have a guy with a phone anywhere, right? Yeah. So you just have a guy on his phone, but he's recording the situation. So now the, yeah, the hidden camera game's very different. So to do what you do, you got to be a bit of a gambler, right? I think so. Yeah. You've got to have a bit of a gambler's and you're going into a situation kind of cold and taking a gamble on how it's going to come out.

I think I'm worse. I think I'm getting, you know, there's a while where when you're a kid, you're worse at it, but you're more fearless and you're like crazy. Because you can just remove yourself. You're kind of like nothing that happens matter.

As you kind of get more successful and you get older, you're like, I don't know if I want to be arrested, right? You know what I mean? So you kind of do get a little worse at it, but hopefully you're getting more funny than you are less fearless. As you know,

as a gambit. gambler. Can I challenge you to some gambling? Well, gambling are we done? It's called... I challenge you to a gamble. It's called raisin bread loaf gambling. Mm-hmm. And it's pretty easy, but there's always a winner or a loser.

A lot of preparation goes in this show. Yeah. Do you have that prop department bake you raisin bread or do you just buy that stock? I buy this. I buy this because this has the most raisins. Yeah. Basically what we do, my God. I haven't had raisin bread in a minute.

This is a mom throwback. I think, honest to God, you must have... My mom grew up. in projects of Toronto. You must have grew up like somewhere around her because she says guys. She likes raisin bread. Son. Calls me son.

No, you're my son. No, you're my son. But what this, how this works is this is sun made raisin bread. Yeah, she met that guy. Yeah, she met me down in the Dawn River. I knew that my dad was in entertainment of some sort. That's all. But you're a little young, I think.

Yeah. You know. But I can wish I had a son. I'm like you. This is sun-made raisin-brad. I'm your dad, guy. Big guy. How are you doing, son-guy?

I'm your dad, guy. Oh, Frigg, you're my son. Brigg, you're my son-guy. So this is sun-made razor bread, or as I like to call it, melanoma-made razor bread. You like chocolate milk, too? Are you chocolate-milk guy?

Oh, I love it, guy. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my guy. So what you do is you just reach in anywhere on the loaf. Mm-hmm. You pull out a slice. Who has the most raisins? And the gamble is...

Do we put money on it? Yeah. Here's a... Do you have money? I'll put a fitty down. Yeah, I got some money. I'll put a fitty down. All right.

That I got more raisins than you. Okay. Give me your 50. Yeah. Do you feel around for the raisins? No. You got... Are you going random or do you have some technique?

You go random. You go and I don't have been hustled right now. No. You know what? Let's switch bags. I don't trust you. Okay. Okay.

switch bag no no no i'm going to mix them up just now you you might have that one play okay shake you're going to shake shake up the bag yeah yeah shake up the loaf shake up the bag and then you reach in and you just grab a slice and whoever has the most raisins wins that wins the lettuce okay yeah wins the lettuce all right let's see one two I'm not feeling good about my slice seven eight nine 10 11 12 13 40 15 16 16 raisins my guy 16 raisins okay I may be wrong

I'm gonna let you do a recount but I feel like I have 17 I might be counting all right you count mine I'll count yours give me yours damn oh yeah yours looks one two you have 18 I didn't even count one because I was already up

and I was like let's leave that one You were right, though. I am a gambler. That's how it happens. Another round. Do you want signing this? You don't, what you don't realize is I use my sleight of hand

to change the raisin bags. Yeah, you did change. I had my assistant come in, yeah. There was a lot of hustle bustling. You didn't see what was going on. There's a lot of hustle bustle going on, right? Yeah, that's what. I want to change the raisin bread back

and do another round. The game's the game. You know, you can't be changing girls after the fact. Well, maybe this will change your mind. My assistant's under the table right now. Maybe this will change your mind. Uh-oh. How about that?

Oh, wow. How about another round? Now you're just showing off. How about another round for $7,000? Hollywood. Hollywood, Ireland. $7,000? Uh, okay.

Loaf. You want to go double or nothing, 100? Yeah. Now I'm getting hustled. Loaf. See, this is the thing about gambling. You got to walk away when you have a win. I'm going to do it, but I'm not particularly happy about it

because I don't have a good feeling about this one. Well, I don't have a hundred. Keep talking, Star Blaster. Okay. Ready? Well, is this another hundred? What are you doing? Ready?

I put in seventh hour. Ready and loaf. Oh. I might as well have pulled out a Dalmatian puppy. Look at this one. One, two, three, four. I think I have five over here. Oh, daddy's feeling.

I'm feeling I'm at 19. 20. Okay, let me count again. I counted 20, my guy. We have a winner. You'll hear the bingo halls all over the country. We have a winner. All right.

You count mine. Let me just, let's do a double check here. Oh, yeah, this one. They're all in a small one. I don't know whether to count them or not. That's why I'll let you. Oh, yeah. I'm only counting 17 on this puppy.

Yeah, you have more. I think you counted the cinnamon swirl. The house always wins, folks. Yeah. The house always wins. The house always went. Good round, but see, I love your gambler. Yeah, you definitely leave the podcast empty-handed is what happens here.

The Raisin King. The Raisin King. is here. What else do I have on you? Let's see. Do you want to do your blood work, Harlan? Yeah, yeah. I just, I did it for the first time my life in the doctor said my stress levels are too high. It gave me all this stuff. Well, maybe, um, hang on. Let me help you with that. One second. One second. I don't like hearing you have trouble with your blood work, and so I want to help you with your blood work. And this is from me to you, my guy.

If you want to put that on your forehead or whatever. It's great for the blood. Super absorbent, wings. I don't think we're getting on the forehead, but I think we're more of a chest guy. And for the extra heavy blood days when you're doing blood work, this is for you too.

Yeah. Well, you've had, yeah, obviously. That's for you. Maybe you're just. Now, did this, do you find your stress levels higher? or lower since you've been using. Lower. It just, it hurts, but my blood work is now, you know, comes out of me.

Mm-hmm. So I don't know. So maybe that, if you're having trouble with your blood, I think we found the answer. It's also, I guess, you know, if a girl ever needs one, you can sidle up to her creepy and go, I got you covered. Yeah. She goes, I'm having cramps and you sidle up. And you go, I guess, puss.

Shh. Don't mention it. Then you got to come. If you want you want you to help with that. I can pop it in for you. I'm an expert. Do the gesture when you do that bit. It's gesture with that at the camera.

Oh, what's my camera? Right here. Right here. Oh, you're going on the table. Look at that part of the set. Like, act out the bit. Well, you come out and you go, hey, I heard you. I'm sitting at the table by the back.

No, just, I'm just by myself. You see, I have a laptop over there. Yeah, I saw, sorry about this, guys. I heard you, I kind of overheard you mentioning that you're feeling cramps this time of month. Well, I just wanted to say that I got, Got something for you. I got you covered. Yeah.

No, I know. No. Hey, hey, give me a second. Give me a second. I'm talking to my friends. I could put this. Hey, I'm a legal, I bought a coffee. Sorry.

Sorry about him. Anyways, at this point, they're pulling me out. And you're pushing towards the camera. No. No. That's your wife? Why? Well, hey, listen, if you would have potentially had your,

wife covered i would i don't want to be doing this i don't you think i like hearing overhearing people being like i got this whole problem i'm hearing cramps push it to the camera i don't want to be in this position if you can control your wife's periods and i wouldn't have to pay get off of me so almost like you're pushing it in in her oh you're saying kind of do one of these like a little yeah oh i see that's a solution to your problems right there if you want to walk around bloody that's fine but if you don't want thank you if you don't want to walk around bloody there's a bathroom right there i'm a i have my certification so you that's one thing you can always lie and say you've had your certification yeah that's what you call a period piece wow uh-huh uh-huh

Can we do just because we're bonding, so can we do a raisin bread snowstorm? What's a raisin bread snowstorm? We just throw the slices in the air and they drift down like Canadian snow. They just talk together. I love that you have raisin bread, dude. Can we just throw it up and watch it snow raisin bread? Yeah, of course. This is, you know, this is.

Please, please. I'll tell you what, if I did find out you were my dad, this is the first thing I would ask. Right. You know, you missed all those years that I was being. And from throwing raisin brand, you go, please. You go, you know what? Please, can we do a raisin bread snowstorm?

Please. Please. Permission granted. Please, Ryan, please. On three? Yeah. Did you just toss them up in the air? Well, you got to sing, well, the weather outside is snowing.

The raisin bread is blowing. La la la la la la. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Classic. Wow. Merry Chris cinnamon is. Yeah, Merry Christmas. That's a classic bit, you know.

Gets you kicked out of the orphanage, believe it or not. Yeah, you don't get it a lot anymore. Mm-hmm. Well, buddy, let's get down to our final segment. I almost don't want it to end. But this is words from a wooden shoe. It's a authentic Dutch clog. It's a Dutchie clog.

You know what people call the slur that people call Dutch people? Oh, no. Woodbooters. The W word? They call them the W word. They go, oh, this guy, you don't want to talk to that guy. He's a bit of a woodbooter. Wow.

That's true. I'm not making that up. I love it. That's funny. I want to meet a Dutch guy and go, hey, what's up, my woodbooter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't go hard on if you're saying it to them. Wood Buddha.

Please. Yeah, Wood Buddha. Wood Buddha, please. Exactly. Something like that. There's probably a few more. You could probably throw in there. But why would we?

Nailed it. So what we do. is you reach in, pull out a word and see if there's a story from your journey. Well, I thought you just mean, like, I thought you were just being cool. Like, what's the word? Oh, no. What's the word, my woodbooter? Yeah.

Or whatever it is. You mean what's this word? Well, it's not a word. Fight with neighbor. Oh, here we go. Here we go. I got a couple of neighbor stories. This is not the story, but just in side note, my last neighbor that we just moved away from,

I had a fight every day, top of their lungs, screaming, fighting every single day. We just moved out. Nothing you could do. Guys going through, I mean, I could tell you some of them. One time the girl went through the guy's phone, they weren't happy, the girl gets too drunk, they're fighting. You never don't see it. But that's not my story.

I've actually pretty good. Wow. Okay. So I used to live in this house that with like a bunch of dudes and we had a neighbor that a neighbor that was like a neighbor that was like a, gangster dude and this guy was like the real deal this is in parkdale in toronto here we go yeah he was the real deal real deal so he used to but like he was like he was like a body right and he would he would uh he would like we'd sometimes be at a bar and he would come out with us and then someone getting a fight he'd beat them like this guy was a tough

dude right and then one day the cops came and they raided our house looking for him and we didn't know that so we're just in the house the cops come in they have the guns when when the cops do like a raid on a house they bust down the door and they've got the guns that have the laser on them. So they wake us up in the middle of the night. And there was girls there. So the girls are like crying at this point. Bring everyone out.

And then when they finally got out, this tear up at your house, everything. Then they realized it was the neighbor's house, not ours. Oh, shit. It got. It was just like one of those things were like, what is this? Like after all of this, because you can't say anything, right? You're just like, what is this? And they're like, shut out, you know, yelling and screaming.

They're yelling and screaming. They're yelling and screaming. Girls are crying. It's like a fiasco. And it's winter at this point, Canadian winter. So they bring us out. They handcuff people and we're wearing T-shirts or whatever at this point because you put on whatever, they let you put on like a shirt but not like real close.

It's like a Mississauga winter, yeah. Mississauga winter. You're standing outside in the thing and the cops walking around realizing that he went to the wrong house. Damn. Meanwhile, the guy in the next house is like down having lobster at the CN Tower or something. He's stealing a lobster. Yeah. Oh, dude.

And then in the dark, you got the laser. yeah so did you guys like wake up to that woke up to it oh that's terrifying some shit like that yeah and on top of that at this point where i think we're probably 23 24 so you are also like we probably do like have drugs you know what you do on top of that you're just like your original thought is like what we do but then on top of that you're like even if we're not guilty like we probably are yeah you're definitely it's not we have zero of anything i still think you're guilty Yeah, exactly. That's what they thought.

So, and then nothing happens, by the way. Yeah. So after that whole fiasco. Whoops, sorry, go back to sleep. Whoops, sorry, go back to sleep. And they're like, you can file a claim. There's like a three-year claim. But at this point, you need to, like, you need to have someone come in and prove that they, like, they really just did damage.

So it's like, you could hire like, I guess someone to fix it, but you're, yeah. It's like hard to even. He's like, what's the claim? Well, he woke me up early, your honor. Well, they tore everything limb from limb, right? You're like, you might. Oh, they did? Yeah, because they toss the place.

Toss the place, right? So everything's everywhere, mattresses upside down, drawers on the floor. So I guess the claim would be like they broke something. There's nothing really you could do. You just take it. You take it. You just move on and take it. It reminds me of that scene in Back to the Future when Michael J. Fox goes in,

puts the Walkman headphones on George McFly. Okay. Has the welder's mask and is playing Van Halen. And he hits it. And he wakes up and there's like Michael J. Foxes and he thinks it's a space alien. It's like that abrupt waking up and being startled like hell. It was that. Yeah.

And obviously the thing that made it like hysterical now is these women were like what the, you know, who are you? You know, this girl you've been dating for a little bit is like, who are you? Like am I dating a drug lord? Like, you know? I had one of those abrupt waking up moments. This was really scary because it was with an X and we were sleeping. and it was like three in the morning,

dead sleep, fast asleep, quiet, everything's quiet. All of a sudden, I don't know why, I don't know if God or the devil was channeling through her, all of a sudden she just sat up, like right out of the exorcist. It was like, I don't know, yes, Darkmaster.

Like literally said Darkmaster was speaking in tongues, lasted for about a minute, and then just plopped back down. And I was just laying there like, what the like what are we doing here dude it and then she sort of woke up and did something how I said

yeah beelzebub something happened like it freaked the hell out of me of course I would have rather had the cops she didn't remember a second of it yeah she was like I think you're lying yeah yeah she she knows that something happened she didn't realize like her tongue was coming out it was it was like

I don't know you ever dated a sleepwalker no but after that I don't want them to walk just sitting up was enough enough enough A sleep sitter upper. There was a guy, I think recently, there was some people that sleptwalk killed someone and they got off the case because they were able to prove like,

no, they actually did this in their sleep. I got to sympathize as a guy who's been on his period of murdered a minivan full of people. I'm in a side. You're not always in the right state. You're not always in the exact state of mind. That wasn't Harlan. You can't help it sometimes.

I don't know who that was. Is that time a month and just... Yeah, the abrupt wake-up's not good. Because you're groggy, right? That's how you get shot. Yeah. You want to hear my theory? I love theories.

The best theory of the best way to weasel out of any conversation. Me and my friends used to call it the groggy tired man. So if you pretend you're groggy and anyone calls you, they're like, what is this? You go, can you just give me a second? I'm like a girl, you know, you're with a girl. She goes, what are we, being together forever? Like, are we even together? You're like, is this?

I can't do this right now. if we get yeah did you say something you're just like you're just like it's like I'm down to have this conversation just can't do it right now yes dark master

you start speaking in tongues yeah oh so did you say something yeah so that well that's obviously you're taking my grobicky tired guy and you're turning it into I'd say groggy tired guy 2.0 I guess is what you'd call it yeah

start speaking in tongues is a good way to get out of a conversation. People like, hey, are you free on the fifth? You go, you know, that's obviously next step. That's how I like to party. If groggy tired doesn't work, you're going to want to get the tongue in the mix, but. I got to be honest, and I hope you'll be okay with this. That was a little bit too much physical exertion for me.

As you know, I'm in the middle of something. Do you have that pad I gave you? Yeah. Could I? Yeah. Oh, God bless you, Angel. I'm just going to put it. put it here in case it

sometimes it you never know how high the blood pressure is going to go yeah well you took one down you took the downstairs one out you're going to want to put the upstairs one on couldn't have done it without you friend

well I kept it warm for you thank you uh huh buddy before we go please tell the wonderful folks where they can see you see your comedy tour

you gotta check out his YouTube videos they are nothing short of spectacular. And I'm going to say, I'm not just sugarcoting this. You know, you write these things. They're clever. They're topical. They're acerbic. They're really well done. They're not just running around doing nothing. They're really cleverly worded and written out and acted out and they're sarcastic and they're funny and they're poignant and they're topical. And you definitely got to check out your video. Thank you, brother.

Let them know where they can see everything. But I just released a new comedy special. Oh, yeah. Just a week ago. YouTube.com slash Ryan Long Comedy. All the stuff's there, the sketches and street interviews. And we do, you know, these, we do a lot of like satire pieces. Like we do a whole bunch.

It's all satire stuff. But yeah, the new special YouTube.com slash Ryan Long comedy. Next week, come to see me in Nashville and Chicago. And then Las Vegas, Minneapolis. Edmonton, I'm going to. A few others, but Ryan Longcom. But definitely check out the special. You're going to Edmonton?

My podcast, the boys' cast. Yeah, I'm doing the comic strip. It gets cold up there here. You're going to need the... I film my special in the Laugh Shop in Calgary, by the way. You're going to need it. Of course, yes. But, buddy, the laugh stop in Calgary.

It was the last time you've been to Edmonton, Calgary. Probably about five, six years ago. Mm-hmm. Did shows up there. it's good it's a good comedy town it's a great comedy town i remember sold out all my shows both those places you did edmonton and calgary there people come out in edmonton calgary it's good go go sell out all this shows go see them and i don't want to step on your parade i just um where you going put out a special too if if you don't mind me talking about it real quick well watch that one they

okay so pause it and watch mine watch is now they're back and then i'm just going to piggy back i put out a special and not like yours. I put out a special needs and what I mean is I backed over a kid at a mall and crushed his legs and I'd buy him a wheelchair as part of the settlement and I have to go to his house every day and put him out in the garden to see the butterflies. So every day I put out a special needs. Yeah, I think your special situation probably cost about as much as mine. They're not cheap, but they're fun. Anything involving specials. They're very rewarding. They're very rewarding. Yeah. Yes.

Poor Billy. My special needs is called Billy Johnson. He's at 972 Carruthers Street in Bakersfield. And if you want to see this. You drop off some raisin bread here and there. So if you want to see my special needs, you can go to that address and watch it. And he's sitting in the yard. There's a bird bath and there's butterflies around.

Sometimes they land on his nubs. He's very skinny because he has trouble eating. I crushed his legs, but sometimes a monarch will land on his nubs and just flap in the sunset and pollinate his lips. Little Billy. Special needs. It's a sad tale, but if Billy's watching. Billy.

I mean, you could potentially, I don't want to tell you what to do with your time with him, but if you have Billy watch my special, that could be a little bit of light in his life. Yeah. So special takes him out. Special brings him back in, you know? Okay, Ryan Long's special. Billy, if you're watching. He is.

Let's be honest. What else is he going to do? He's got no legs. He's sitting in the yard and staring at the drywall. William. I like to call him. William. I call him crushed legs.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. On the nose. Look, I hit him. I should be able to call him what I want. You get to name him. I've heard that before. That is the rules.

And at night, I call him sweet McNubbins. Because he's got the little meat. As long as you're calling them. Yeah. You know, I stay in contact. When I do a victim, I stay in contact, except for the family with the period. Them, they're gone. Yeah, but.

Buddy, I'm going to hit the theme music. Anything else you want to mention before? Check on my podcast, the boys' cast, watch my special. I appreciate you. And again, I'm like, you're the best, I'm a big fan. Big legend where I'm from coming up and obviously everywhere, but especially to me. Thank you, brother. Thank you.

It was so good to have you here. Check out all his stuff. Check out the videos, gang. And until next time, you know what I say? Chicken, chowmaine, baby. Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh.

You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points. and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one.

Your very own personalized Harland. Okay, so you're all seeing the T-shirt I'm wearing today. Isn't that a cool design? And I want to give thanks to the gent that send this shirt to me. His name is Thane Sharick. I hope I'm getting that right, Thane. And he designs these really cool shirts. I wore one one day on a fluke, and he saw it, and he reached out to me and said, hey, that's my shirt, that's my design.

Can I send you some more? And I said, well, if it's as cool as the one I had on before, which was some of the kind of this creature of the Black Lagoon vibe. and so very generously Thane sent me a whole bunch of shirts and so this is another one of his great designs and I want to support him and thank him and so you can check out his website at Thanesworld

Thanes dot world and Thanesworld dot big cartel.com and you could look at some of his artwork some of his shirt, some of his merchandise, and thank you so much, and good luck with everything, and I'm proud to wear. I always like cool design, so I appreciate the shirt,

and I just wanted to say thank you. Ever get the feeling you're being watched online? It's not paranoia, it's data brokers. These companies collect your personal information, including your browsing habits, where you live, and even who you're related to, and they sell it to the highest bitter. That's where ORA comes in. ORA automatically removes your personal info from

data broker sites and then keeps it off. ORA also monitors the dark web, safeguards your devices, alerts you to real-time threats, and more. Start your free trial at ORA.com slash control. That's A-U-R-A-com slash C-O-N-T-R-O-L for your free trial. That's ORA.com slash control.