The Harland Highway - RYAN SICKLER- Returns and gives us Truth, Lies, and Laughs!

Episode Date: July 30, 2024

Get 20% OFF @manscaped + Free Shipping with promo code [HARLAND] at MANSCAPED.com! #ad #manscapedpod  RYAN SICKLER talks good lies, bad lies, and the one weird dude that lives in everyone's neighborhood See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. And before we get started, oh, my sweet heavenly lord, somebody get a bagpipe, stand on a hill, and play me a song until your toenails curl up. Are you ready? Are you ready? Thanks to you. Thanks to you. Barry Barnacle Lips down there in Brighton, Missouri. Charlie chicklet legs over there in Minnesota. We got Ruth Ann rhubarb bottom. She's got her bottom looks that's red and green like rhubarb. We've got catfish Sally. All of you.

You know who you are. I don't need to name all 12 of my viewers. But we just, as you know, we hit 100,000 subscribers on, On our YouTube channel, couldn't have done it without y'all. And y'all is you and all pressed together. It's two words, but why don't you just foff if you're going to give me a hard time? But we did it, gang, and I'm here to present to you.

I'm so honored. I'm so excited. And you guys were the reason for this. Oh, M.G. Look at it, glitter. Look at it. Glisten. look at it, listen, and watch it go out in the woods and do some pissing.

No, not that part. But look, folks, this is a plaque that honors the fact that we got 100,000 subscribers to the Harland Highway podcast. And I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be prouder. And it's all because of you guys. You're the subscribers. This is because of you.

And I thought, oh, man, I'm going to be so proud and happy to hang. this on my wall what a milestone what an accomplishment we did it but then i realized that's just kind of selfish and self-serving it makes me happy i get to hang the shiny happy thing on my wall and i thought no no no no no i only got this because of you guys okay and you know me i'm a canadian boy i'm a hockey boy and i grew up and in hockey when you're the champion when you when you when you hit a milestone, you win a thing called the Stanley Cup, okay? And what happens with the Stanley Cup is the team that gets the cup, they get to keep the cup,

and every member of the hockey team gets to take the Stanley Cup with them and do whatever they want with it for like a few days or a week or whatever it is. And some of these hockey players take the cup to strip your some of them go jump in the ocean, some of them go parachuting, some of them go to the zoo, some of them sleep with it, some of them drink a Hawaiian punch out of it, they get very creative with it. And so since that's in my blood and since I want to celebrate this with you, you guys that are responsible for this, one of our listeners, one of our viewers sent in in the comments

a mister i don't want to give out your whole uh your whole address so i think you know who you are but let's just say the numbers 2263 are in your are in your uh address your your at email or whatever address it is so um would love to hear from you make sure you get on the list and even if you don't get on the list. I'm going to put you on the list as an honorary member just because you're the guy who came up with this brilliant idea. So make sure you reach out 2263. You know who you are. You know, I feel like a Russian spy. You must lead out to me, Agent 2263. We must correspond and we must meet in Gorky Park and make the exchange. And then we'll get the block to you. And then we'll proceed from there,

eight them two, two, six, three. And he came up with the brilliant idea. He said to me, said, hey, Harlan, you should do the Stanley Cup thing with your plaque when you get it from YouTube. And I'm like, my God, what a brilliant idea. So that's what we're going to do, gang. That's what we're going to do. And here's how it works.

I want you guys to participate in this. I want you to enjoy it. I want you to be part of the celebration. because, again, you're the reason it happened. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to send this plaque out to you, people. Now, we're only going to do the first 20 people because if I did all 100,000 of you, it would never come back. We'd never see it.

It would just take too long. So the first 20 people, we are going to give you an email address here. We set up a special email account. and it's Gmail is H-H-P-Dot-Fans at g-mail.com. So Harland Highway Podcast, H-H-HP dot fans at gmail.com. And the first 20 people through

will get this mailed to their house and their apartment, their home, and they can spend three days with it. And you can take a video with it. take pictures with it, and we want to see what you do. We want to see you get creative and celebrate this plaque and this accomplishment, not only with me, but with all the other viewers. Now, there are some requirements here, okay?

The video can only be about 20 to 30 seconds long because we're going to have 20 of them, so we can't let it get too long. So when you do your video, keep it tight, 20, 30 seconds. And you can do whatever you want. Don't feel you have to be overly creative. If you just want to sit on your couch with it, so be it. But if you want to do something outrageous with it, so be it. Try not to destroy it.

But if it comes back with a few cuts and bruises and burn marks, then, you know, that's the people on the Holland Highway. That's how they roll, man. Here's the other prerequisite for this. Okay? it is a little bit bulky, it's a little bit big, and it came in this box. You can see this is a box here. We are going to ship this box, and you, the recipient, it's your responsibility after your three days.

We're going to put a list of the other recipients. It's your responsibility to ship it to the next person on the list. So if you break the chain, we're going to know who is. it is. We're going to know by it not getting to the next person that you're the one that broke the chain. So here's my thing. We want to have fun with this. We want it to be great. So this is probably going to involve a little bit of a fee for you. It's going to involve probably, you know, $15, $20 to mail. It's bulky. I don't know, maybe a little more, maybe a little less. We'd like you to mail at first class so it gets there in, you know, in good time to the next participant.

you're going to have to take time out of your day to go to the post office and mail it. You're going to have to make sure you label it properly, seal it up nicely. And so there's a little bit of effort involved in this. So if you're one of those people that are like, oh, I want to get in on that, I want to get in on that, but then you're not willing to put in kind of the work and the effort to do it because it might be a little more time consuming than you realized. So please, even if you're passionate about it, unless you're, you're able to follow through, don't put your name on the list.

But if you're willing to follow through, spend a few bucks to be part of our history here, we would love it. We would love it. So just please be committed, be organized, be on time with this thing so we can make it work. Because if you drop the ball, if you decide not to mail it, if you screw up, then, you know, this thing just disappears and we lose something cool. So that being said, yeah, be on it, be cool and be willing to want to do it. And we look so forward to your video.

We look forward to your participation. And I think this could be really fun. We also want you do, if you have a Sharpie, all the participants who get this, we want you to sign it. Don't sign it too big because remember 20 or more people have to sign it. So keep your signature at a respectable size. And yeah, you get to have your name on it. And then when this little puppy comes home to daddy, when little silver links comes home to daddy,

daddy going to hang it on the wall. So that's when we'll hang it on the wall after I've shared it with you guys. And I'm so sorry I can't get it to all 100,000 of you. Holy smokes, I wish I could, but it's just not, as you can imagine, possible. and there's probably some of you're like, I don't want that stupid thing in my house. Oh my God, it's been in the mail. How many, it's probably got COVID that thing.

How many people have touched that thing? Ew. One guy took it to a strip joint and rubbed it on a stripper's buttocks. Oh, it's probably got venereal disease. You never know, it might. I don't know what you're going to do with it. I'm actually excited to see what you guys do.

So that's what's going on, gang. Our first recipient is the gentleman who gave me the idea to do this. Thank you so much for that, by the way. And this is going to be fun. So that's all I'm going to say about it. Look at that. Thank you again, everyone. So touched and honored that you would help me get to this place.

And we're going to have some fun. Okay? So let's go. Let's go. Stanley Cup, Lord, Stan. Stanley, Lord Stanley, bring me the brandy. So good luck to all of you. The first 20 that get through,

let me give you that email address one more time, just so you have it. It is H-HP.fans at gmail.com. It's probably going to fill up really fast. Apologies if you don't get on it, but get on it. And again, last thing I'm going to say, make sure you want to be involved in the whole process. You've got to receive it.

You've got to shoot the video. You've got to go to the post office and remail it. You've got to take a little bit of lettuce out of your own pocket to do it. So if you're on board for that, don't sign up if you're not because it'll just ruin the whole train. Train ruiner. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Sam Tomato Pace Johnson down there in Missouri. Idiot.

so there you go gang uh let's uh let's get back to the podcast thank you thank you again and uh it's gonna be fun i'm a radiologist by training a m or fm i don't know if you have the pictures that i said and if those are available oh that's a spray can of pam how the hell did it get stuck if it's Pam. He's been Pam pood. And the last week of being there, we had nothing left. And that's the only time my life I have stole like a motherfucker. Oh, what did you steal food? Ait and ran out of the same Pizza Hut like twice. Whoa. Stole dumb shit too. Socks. Once you start stealing, you get away with it, it gets good to you. And then you're just like, I'm going to grab this now. I'm going to

grab this now. First, it was food. Yes. Dude, I was at Rite Aid. Then it became dumb shit. Yeah. Last week at Rite Aid, I stole birth. control pills and a douche. And it's like, I don't need these. But I'm not pregnant, I'll tell you that. And I smell great. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show.

Harland Williams. All right, folks, we're here. Third visit from my bud, my couple of silver-haired foxes. Do you consider yourself a silver-haired fox? You drop the fox, silver-haired. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes.

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I consider myself like a silverback gorilla. I feel more of that. Right? Just like, where's my dinner? That's more of my energy for your. Where's my curly fries? Right? There are a couple of silverbacked gorillas.

I would agree with that. Dude, we should go tribe and later. You want to start a tribe or a pack? What is that called when gorillas have a, is it a tribe or a pack? I think it's a pack of gorillas. A flock? Is it a flock? I don't know.

There's so many different names. A gaggle of geese. A gaggle of gorillas. That sounds good to me. We should start our own gag. I'm saying, if we're doing this, we can call whatever the fuck we want. We got our own gaggle. What about a fuck?

How about a fuck of gorillas? Let's go fuck around. You want to fuck? You know what I mean? Like, dude, let's get this happening. Let's get this going. Dude, I love you so much. One fucking throwaway comment, and it's five minutes of pure fucking laughter.

I love it, dude. got a laugh i had a rough week bro what happened do you have this i don't even know if i should talk about this but why not i got in trouble for watching a guy like an old man have a bath what the fuck are you talking about right now the gaggle would have a fucking meaning about your ass i'd be out of the gaggle roll him down the mountain we got to see you I'm also seeing you as a gorilla just looking through bushes at some man at a tub. What the fuck are you talking about? So here's what, do you have neighborhood watching your neighborhood?

Uh, no. Okay, I have it in my neighborhood. Okay. I was doing my civic duty about three nights ago. I'm in a yard. I'm looking. Wait, hold on, a yard. Your yard?

No, the old man's yard. Okay. I'm looking through the window. I'm watching. It's my neighborhood. I'm watching. I'm watching this old guy sponge off, like the sores, the psorias, everything.

Sores, yes, sores. Dude, I'm part of a neighbor. I mean, his bathwater looked like onion soup, to be honest. Like carnival water? Yeah, like there was, I think there was a layer of melted cheese on top with a crouton, but that was his nuts. So I'm watching through the window,

and I get picked off by the cops for doing my civic duty and participating in Neighborhood Watch. And I don't know. I'm in a bit of a funk about it tonight. I'm going to watch a couple of women. What are you going to watch them do? Well, there's showers. There's people like to shower in the summer.

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Get on board or get left behind. Man scaped. All right. So when we grew up, So I'm in an apartment now, so we don't have the neighborhood watch. But I grew up, we were in houses, at the neighborhoods. And as kids, we would sneak out at night and sometimes just stay in the neighborhood and then go watch other people's houses. What do you mean?

Like, just watch them? Well, we had a guy. We were all curious about this guy. It was a single man. Oh. He was. So my friend and his brother lived, I'm trying to think about four houses up from us on the same side of the street. directly across from them was this dude who was a single man.

Oh, is this sort of like the boo Radley of the neighborhood? I don't know. This is the thing. He drove an old school. It was a red VW rabbit. Remember those? Oh, yeah. Also a vibrator in West Hollywood.

You're 100% right. But he had like four of those long CB antennas on his car. Oh, wow. You know what I'm talking about? Break her nine, come back, breaker nine. And he had a couple of them on the rooftop, antennas, of the house. Of his house as well. Oh, wow.

Grass was never mowed over knee high, over knee high. And that's how we made our money in the summers and winters was cutting grass and shoveling snow and things like that. In Japan? Yeah, in Japan. We'd go around. I love over knee high. It's my favorite city.

I can't even talk. Sorry, I'm sorry. I get so. Yeah, I can see. Sorry, sorry. Yeah, so you're, so this was a guy where like, who the fuck is this guy? Why is he like, what's all, what's he doing in the house? Yeah, definitely the boo Radley.

So we would, we were able at night, we would crawl. The grass was so deep, we would crawl and we'd go around behind his house. We'd just try to peek in and see like what he was doing. Through the grass like, like commando style. Yeah. No way. We're all in middle school. How many of you? Like three or four of us, me, my brother, and then like him.

and another dude from the neighborhood. His brother and my younger brother were good friends, too, but they weren't going out. There were four of you? At least four of us. You know, one more, and you wouldn't have been a fuck of guerrillas.

That's right. Wow. Okay. We were just a gaggle. Wow. So you're crawling? And we would try to watch this fucking guy. We'd sneak around his house all.

We could never figure out who he was or what he was doing or anything, but he was the weirdest dude. And then we would knock on his door and ask him, could we cut your grass? Yeah. Like to cut? Nah, he wouldn't,

he didn't want to cut. It was a very strange, weird man. Did you ever find out who, what his game was? No, but we would always sneak and lay in his yard and try to figure out what the fuck he was doing in that garage. Right. And the antennas, that's kind of interesting.

Like, what are you tapping into in there? You know, it's interesting because I think every neighborhood has its Boo Radley. And for those of you that don't know who Boo Radley is, most of my 12 or 13 viewers don't know literature, Brew Radley was the mysterious neighbor in DeKill a Mockingbird. He was

the weird guy that lived down the street, portrayed by Robert Duvall and is one of the earliest acting roles. But there's always this one nutty, single weird guy. Guess where ours lived. Rape beside us. I'm not even joking. What was his deal? Mr. Jim. That's all we knew of is Mr. Jim. And he lived with Mrs. Naylor. She was this big, large, overweight woman. Mrs. Nailer. Mr. Jim was sort of a little short guy with glasses and bald like the guy from operation. You know, he looked like that guy, but with glasses. And he worked at like a safety supply place where they made steel-toed boots and helmets and hard hats. And we didn't know what Mrs. Nailer did. Same thing. Only house on the street with with uncut grass. No plants,

just the lawn. No upkeep to the house or anything. And the windows papered out. Oh, that's weird. That was weird. And they just came and went. They didn't talk to anyone, but because we were right next door, me and my four sisters, Mr. Jim was friendly to us half the time.

And then the other half he was like, get the hell off my lawn. Like if you walked across his prairie, it's like, he'd all of a sudden the guy that was your buddy half the time, he got the hell off my lawn and it freaked us out. But he would take us to Dairy Queen in his car.

Like he would take you guys places? Our parents were sort of cheap wads. They never took us for fast food or anything. And he'd just be out of go, you kids want to go to Dairy Queen? And we'd be like, we'd ask our parents, go in the car. My first experience, like, he'd drive, he'd be crazy. He'd tell fart jokes. He was the first adult I'd ever hear utter a fart joke.

And me and my sisters were just dying because he was an adult. But looking back now with the knowledge you have now. How old do you think he was? He was probably like, like, mid-40s. Yeah, not old then, yeah. Not old to, you know, my daughter just said to me, she's nine, and she said yesterday to me, she goes, dad, 40 is so old. I go, I know you guys think it's old.

I know, but wait a year 40. Yeah. She's like, you know, we make jokes about 40-year-olds. Right? And I was like, what kind of jokes you guys make? And she goes, stuff like, I'm 40. I can't do anything tonight. I just have to wake up tomorrow.

I was laughing. I'm like, you fucking punk-ass kid. Wow. I was like, you wait. You wait. Yeah, it's weird, but, you know, looking back, this Mr. Jim guy was the nicest guy. But if you looked at that guy today, you wouldn't let your kids anywhere near that. No way I'm letting somebody drive my kids somewhere.

But he couldn't have been more fun, more nice, more. Except when he was, you think he was an alcoholic and having a bad day when he'd yell at you or something? No, I think he just liked his privacy. And I don't think there's any alcohol. Hall. He could be temperamental, but that was the only time he'd yell. And then the only other thing is the other kids on my street didn't know him in the way we did. Like he didn't take the other kids or even talk to the other kids. So this was funny. We're Canadian. We'd be out playing street hockey and Mr. Jim would come around the top of the street and he lived right at the bottom

and halfway up there'd be 14 kids with nets out playing street hockey. He'd see us at the top of the street honk his horn e like all the way down the street and the other kids didn't know him so they called him diarrhea they go here comes diarrhea so diarrhea is blasting and he had a gremlin he was out of gremlin and he'd be blasting the gremlin yeah diarrhea is flying down the road and a gremlin and unbelievable god no wild no neighborhood watches back then no god none Did you have, we had these things here in the States called Tot Finders. Oh, wow. They were like an oval sticker and they were a reflecting sticker.

So that when the fire, if there was a fire in your home, the fire department could see that there was a child in that room. So it was a sticker you put in the window to let the fire department know there is a kid in this room. It was like the baby on board for flaming children. Yes, for kids all fire. They couldn't have just put a Tater Tot sticker on the fucking window. This kid's frying. There's a kid frying.

It's thicker for kids potentially on fire. Wow. What the hell? That's kind of morbid. You didn't have anything like that Canada. No, we never at the time. There's children in this. No.

God. God, Lord. That's kind of dark. What did they? We also had, they would tell you in school, they would say if you had a fire in your home, yeah, that you should make a, you should, everyone should get out. out and you should have a meeting place. So we tell our dad, we're like, dad, they're telling us in school if the house catches

on fire. Me and I have two brothers. And we're like, we got to get out. Can I guess the meeting place? Yeah. The house next door that's not on fire? Hello? That was a better idea.

We just agreed to meet out front at the mailbox. Okay. Yeah. Have you ever heard of residual heat burn at all? Get away from it. God. And I remember my dad being like, all right, every man for himself. I'm like, hold up, man.

What are you talking about? You run, like your room's right here. You're going right by us. At least holler in or something. Really? Like, yeah, our whole plan was to meet at the mailbox. That's the mailbox. We never had a family fire.

Wow, of course not. Did they have bag taut? What's that? Like for the old bags, for the seniors? Uh-uh. What is that? Well, if there's an old bag in the house. Well, he said you got the tot.

Did you have a bag tot? I mean, if granny's rolling. He said the way where I was so sure Canada had this thing. Yeah. What was it called? Tott Finder. Tott Finder. It was a bag finder for the oldies.

Was there a Tard Finder too? Oh, easy, dude. Easy. Settle down. There should be for sure. Wow. Tards in the mist. Oh, God.

Oh, man. Did you have with all your buddies that you crawled? around in the grass in. Did you guys have like a, like not in where your houses were, but did you have like kind of a cool place you guys went to as kids, like a hang like a pizza joint or the, oh, the woods. We were lucky. Our neighborhood in middle school, in middle school.

And elementary school, we were the house where everybody would come play baseball and all that. But in middle school, we were very lucky to live in a neighborhood that had, even if it was just a mile walk. you know, 20 minutes over, we had a good dozen or so kids our age. Okay. And we all went to the same middle school. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we were lucky. So there was a lot of, there was usually always at least one other person that you could get to hang out because we had so many kids in the neighborhood. So we went to the woods. That was the hang. So seventh grade was when we moved to this one particular house on second avenue. And right at the base of all of our yards was the beginning of this woods. Okay. So we had a rope swing in there that we would go.

We built a wrestling ring in there with ropes and like a mat and everything. We would have people come in. Yeah. The rope swing was the best, though. And then was it, was there a river? Did it go over a river? Well, there was one bias, but it was just woods. Okay.

This was just woods. And it was a big tree, big sturdy tree that leaned up like this. But the thing was the hill dipped here. So you could swing way to fuck out. and it had a notch on the side and all of us would grab you and we'd swing you out so that when you swung around you would come around and then

when the rope would hit off that notch you would drop really hard you'd have a fun like ah you'd try to hold on so we would do that. Was there ever the one kid that whacked into a tree? There was a kid that whacked in a tree all the time but the worst punishment ever my poor friend Chris Lamb

oh lamb this dude came over he had a white Schwinn 10 speed drove it right right over down the hill. I mean, he was a simple flat and then down the hill. Home was uphill, but the us was flat, downhill, right on the left. You ride your bike right in our yard, drop it. Yeah. And that day, he had a wicked stepmother. She was a real piece of shit. And he wasn't even supposed to like, he was allowed to come over, but he didn't tell us that she told him he wasn't allowed to go outside. Don't go in the woods. So, this is getting very Blair

witchy. Did you pull his molars out? Is that where this is gone? Yeah. Okay. Keep going. It had just rained. It's muddy as fuck. Yeah.

And we all go back to the rope swing. And he wants to do it. And we're like, all right. So we do what we always do. We all swing over and grab him. I don't know. He must not have been holding on tight enough.

But that fucking thing hit that. When he bounced, he flew off of it. And he went fucking face down. Down the hill, slide in the mud. Shit. He got out. And we're laughing.

At this point, we still don't know. He hasn't told us. And he's like, oh, man, I'm fucked. We're like, you're fucked. Look at you, dude. He's, no, I wasn't supposed to go outside. We're like, oh, what do we? So now we're all panicking.

Like, what do we tell your stepmother? The wicked stepmother. And my mom was home that day. My mom was not a good person also. My mom left our family the whole thing. My mom didn't like anybody. But my mom liked Chris Lamb. Really?

And I was like, dude, so we're sitting here thinking of a lie. You know, when you're. kids you think you got a solid one so we say just tell her that when you're riding down the hill and you pulled into our grass it was wet and the bike fell over you slid and crashed in our grass could be real that's a totally valid but this longer look i mean he's just yeah there ain't no way you know what i mean like you just crawled out of a graveyard yeah like rambo in the mud yeah yeah yeah where the eyes just open yeah yeah okay there's no way there's no one and he goes And he tells his stepmother and that lady punished him.

She grounded him for six months and stuck to it. Stuck to every fucking day. To the point where my mother was even like, I feel sorry for Chris Lamb. Like, you're over here beating the shit out of us. And he feels sorry for this kid. But yeah, that was a good one in the woods. We also had a place to, so we would go to the woods a lot. And then that was before driving.

Then when we started driving on Hang Out, we called it the Carroll Town 500. So it was a little mall. Okay. Called Carroll Town Mall. Yeah. Malls. And it was just a small mall. It was medium.

It was an outdoor mall. Yeah. Had a Kmart. Oh. Had a Chinese restaurant that was great. Had a pizza. It was called Winlong Chinese and they were great. Had a pizza place called PJs.

It was great. Had a little Mexican place. I do use that lightly called gauchos. Wow. My mouth just watered. And then there were like a music store was in there. And a men's, you know, and then a big store for big ladies called Fashion Bug was in there. Fashion bug.

Radio Shack. We had a radio shack. They had the first two letters. Do you think they could have just gone with fat? Just fat. What's what the, what's with the shun bug? Just throw a tea on there. Fat, okay?

Let's call a spade of spade. You walk past the pizza place. Fat fighters stickers. Chinese, the fucking Mexican place, and just come right into fat. That's a good point. You know? Food, food, food, fat. Save money on your neon sign.

Just fat. Get in here, you chubby food court freaks. But so the mall was here. Yeah. And there was a movie theater that was originally in it, but then they built one just out back in the same lot. Do you remember how much it was to go to a movie back then? Back then when I went, when it was in that mall, it was like,

two or two 50 and we would go see always and you remember back then too when i tried to tell my daughter like when a movie came out that shit was in the theater for a minute oh yeah it was there for five six months and if you saw et you were either going to go see it again or you were waiting until some other shit came in it wasn't netflix where it's like did the did the did that like it was that was where you went and what you saw when i grew up 75 cents to go see the the matinee you go on the in the afternoon yeah maybe the matinee was definitely cheaper yeah This was the 7 p.m. or 8 p.m. showing 250. We're in there watching Police Academy, E.T., all that shit.

I went to a movie. That was where we hung out when we first. Oh, I love it. Yeah, I hung out at the mall too. I just on the movie thing, I went to a movie here in L.A. Last week, I went to see the, what's that one, the quiet place or whatever. I went to see it by myself. It was just like kind of a spontaneous.

I wanted to see it. I had a window where I wasn't working. I go see it between. The movie, the snacks, and parking, it was almost, it was about $60. Damn. Yeah. For one person. For one person.

It was 20 something for the ticket. It was 20 something for a freaking Coke and a small popcorn. And then I forgot to validate my ticket and that was 30 bucks for the parking. That's ridiculous. And it was just ridiculous. But anyways, yeah, the malls were great. So it was a mall. And then we had a McDonald's right across the street.

And we called it the. Carroll Town 500 you would just circle them all driving around looking for anybody else that was out we'd see everybody because it's all we'd all do yeah then you do the loop around McDonald's then if you heard someone was having a house party you'd go there but once my um once my dad died we were 16 and my mom had already split we get put into her apartment okay and then she's like hey I'm gonna if nothing my mom was consistent she's like all right you guys stay here and then she left us and moved in with her boyfriend so I tell everybody I was was 16. I have a twin brother was 16 at the time. My younger brother just turned 13. So the three

of us for, I say, I'll say my grades, 10th, 11th and 12th. Yeah. We live in this apartment by ourselves. We are the kids in your high school that don't have parents. We are where. You say, is there a place where you went? Yes. We unfortunately, because you get tired of it after a while. You're like, can we please go to somebody else's fucking house? Your parents aren't home this weekend can we go to your house you get tired of it yeah but it's guaranteed at my house that there's not going to be parents oh wow you could drink you could do your drugs you could do whatever but we were like a flop house really yeah we were those kids so wow that's where we hung out in high school 912 north avenue apartment b that's where it was dude i fucking love that yeah i hung

at my place we hung out at a mall did you do shoplifting and all that stuff at the mall i was always scared to i i've only shoplifted in my life I'm going to jump in around here. I went to Europe for a month because I was very good at soccer. And my brother and I tried out for a Teams USA, like a development team, we made it. And so we're like an under, we were a under 17 team. Okay. That went to Europe for a month.

And the last week of being there, we had nothing left. And that's the only time my life I have stole like a motherfucker. Oh, what did you steal food? ate and ran out of the same Pizza Hut, like twice. Stole dumb shit, too. Sox. Once you start stealing, you get away with it, it gets good to you. And then you're just like, I'm going to grab this now.

I'm going to grab this now. First, it was food. Yes. Dude, I was at Rite Aid. Then it became dumb shit. Yeah, last week at Rite aid, I stole birth control pills and a douche. And it's like, I don't need these. But I'm not pregnant.

I'll tell you that. And I smell great. I probably smell great. You probably smell great. Um, I, our place, we had the food court. And speaking of food court, holy fuck, I, um, this is weird about, uh, two weeks ago. Have you ever got a speed, like a speeding ticket? It's been a long time.

They're not cheap anymore. Like they used to be like 40 bucks. Now they're like, like 200 bucks, two, two, six points. So I get a speeding ticket. The guy's like, out here? Out here. And he goes, you can make an appointment to go. downtown and do this and you know all the way downtown a day out of my life that he goes half the time

the cop doesn't show up and you'll get off it so i'm just like this is going to be a day out of my life so i just took that that ticket i went to the food court at the mall got curly fries a slice of pizza and an orange julius and i was like fuck you and i just ripped it out and got a snack yeah that's a great so just go to food court with your ticket It's unbelievable. Delicious. Did you guys have chick-fil-aes in Canada back then, back then? No.

By the way, ch- How about there so much? Are chick-fil-a's up there? I think they're just sort of starting. But by the way, isn't that like the quintessential name for, like the fast-food name for a serial killer? Chick-fil-A. Yeah. You know that's where they're going.

That's right in their wheelhouse. Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A. What happened to Sandy? Filet. She's now Chick-fil-A. Crazy.

We had in the mall, that's where Chick-fil-A existed when I grew up. It wasn't a standalone restaurant at all. It was a stand-in-the-mall. And then we learned, like, oh, shit, it's not open on Sundays. My mom would drag us to the mall. Chick-fil-A's religious. Yeah, very religious. But so is in and out.

They're open on Sundays. Yeah, that's right. Right. In and out. Did you notice on the bottom of their cups? They have a passage from the, from the Bible. Yeah. Do you know what the passage is? Mm-mm. Do you? I don't. Yeah, but they're open on Sundays. Yeah, they're open on Sundays. Sunners. Sinners. In and out, sinners. You're going in and out of hell if you eat there. We were mall kids for sure. Like back in the day, I could tell you every corner of every mall because all my mom ever did when we were little was go to the mall and shop for herself. And my mom's big. My mom's six foot. Yeah.

What? My mom's taller than me. How much did she weigh? Back then she was big and we would go to this place. And you said she was mean, right? Oh, yeah. Did she have a Harley? She had that energy from.

What tattoos did she have? No tat. She didn't have like a flaming skull or a helicopter blower. That was just on her shoulders. It was her birthmark was a flaming skull. Yeah. She was mean, dude. Wow.

She would take us. And she's got three boys. So we're, you know, and we don't want to fucking be there. Yeah. We don't want to be there. And she's, we're not getting anything. And we're told that on the way. That is the mantra. You're not getting shit.

That was like us. We didn't get any. So Mr. Jim would take us to the Dairy Queen. My parents were like yours. Like, they were good parents, but just kind of cheap wads. So my mom's taking us to stores called 16 plus. That's, that was the size. It started.

It's also a great place to go when you're going through puberty. It started at 16. And my brothers and I would hide in the clothes racks and when the big ladies would like go through a bit. Ha! We would scare the shit out of the day would scream. And my mother would be like, stop doing that shit.

We're like, stop bringing us here. Stop bringing us to fat. 16 fucking plus. That's where it started at 16. Only in America do we have stores that specialize in fatties. Have you noticed now when you go into like, like Macy's or J.C. Penny, they have the mannequins now that are big chubbies. Like looking more realistic like people. Yeah. Like I don't want to fat shame people, but

I'm fat shame a mannequin, though. I'm no one there's fat shame anybody. Well, you're not, you're not obese, but these, these, you're not unhealthy. You're a girthy guy, but you're not unhealthy. These mannequins are literally kind of perpetrating the kind of of fat lifestyle, which I get it. There's a lot of fat people, but I don't think you should be sort of like putting it out there that it's okay to be fat because it's not healthy. Right.

Back to the food court. Did you ever have the food court with the Orange Julius? Yeah. Did you ever think about, because remember, here's the thing. It was never in a food court in the malls. Where was it? It would be just like its own thing in the middle. You'd walk halfway down the mall and it's right there on the right by like Mrs. Fields or

something like that. And do you remember what it was? It was the only place like it in the mall. Do you remember? Yeah. It was a giant fucking fruit. It was an orange. It was a big ass orange. You imagine going to work every day. I'm off to the orange. And had the big blenders. I love, you know, it's funny. And I don't even know if this class exists in school anymore, but in middle school, we had home at home economics. I remember hearing about that. And they taught us things like things I still use today. I learned how to make, not that you'd be like, no shit. But that's when I was taught the idea of a pizza English, muffin. I'm like, oh, let's take English muffin, a spoon of sauce and throw a piece of

mozzarella or spring. Right where you're intermingling foods that you never normally would. That's something that lasts my lifetime. We would learn to sew, so I can sew buttons and things like that. Really? One of the things we made in Homek was an orange Julius. And it wasn't as good, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's not the same. But it was pretty fucking good. But it wasn't the same, but it was solid. I'll say that. I like my orange juice with. the head on it. I want a head like a Guinness. Like an IPA. It's like a young kid's fucking

Guinness. Yeah, Guinness. Oh, man. Then you drink it and you got that orange juice foam on your face. You look like you were in the art of exploring, looking for rare penguins. You know those guys they come out of, you see them they're frozen. You're walking around

in the fucking mall. Going to, you know, everywhere and people think you've been looking for penguins. God, you're making me remember so much. You know, where else the orange julius was in one of the malls it was right next to what we called puppy prison it was next to the pet store right next to it you go to orange julius you hear him yelping so then you couldn't help yourself and you go in and look at the poor animals and stuff like that they were hard to look at orange julius just looking at oh yeah he just wants to fucking you want some of that foam yeah he wants that orange july imagine being in puppy prison all day next to an orange julius of all things and that's all

smelling. Hearing that fucking blender go off. Citrus all day. Tortured. You talked about, early, you talked about lies. Like, you know, you had to lie about some certain things. What do you think that? Did I say that? Yeah, we were talking about you said you, you had to lie about something. It was the, I think the kid that went down the hill you had to lie about what happened to him. In your life, personally, what's one of the, and you don't have to divulge you, but I'll ask the question, what's one of the worst lies you think you ever told that was sort of hurtful to you or maybe hurtful to a situation or to another person? And again, if it's too touchy, you don't have to divulge it. But on the flip side,

I'm going to ask you, what's one of the best lies you ever told that you kind of had to make for self-preservation or to get yourself out of something or to help. yourself or somebody great questions yeah really good um thank you all right so i do have two they both involve my dad okay because it's just what popped in mind first yeah that's sure there are plenty of other lies i've told that have hurt people but the day that my father died we find him dead in his bed we have to call my grandmother his mom can i ask just how did he have a heart attack in his sleep or something so long story very long story short the same blood thing I ended up finding out I have is what got him when he was 42 but back then they just

ruled it a heart attack since then they realized that it's a genetic blood disease that my mom and brothers don't have but I do so by default he had it and he did have clots so ultimately they believe today that it was this thing that killed him okay so we have and he had just gotten out of the hospital so things were very tense and anxious and nervous We were all very uptight and scared about all this. And then he dies. Oh, I'm sorry, buddy. And it wasn't me, thank you.

And it wasn't me that had to call my grandmother, but we all had to agree that when they called, they would tell her that he was on his way to the hospital. She didn't drive. She was about 45 minutes away. And they didn't want to tell this woman, your son's dead. So the lie was, tell her he's going. We'll tell her later he didn't make it.

and we had to be sort of on board with that. Yeah. And I remember when we finally got to my grandmothers, someone had told her the truth and she was fucking pissed. I mean, rightfully so. She was hurt and pissed. We didn't tell the lie, but we didn't step up and say,

that's not true. He's dead. We were like, we were there. But this goes under the category from what I was talking about as a good lie. Because you think, well, in a way,

you were trying to be protective. I got a better example of a good, I hear what you're saying. Like you were trying to be protective of her feelings, her pain. Sure. And yeah, it was a lie which you should never lie. All right. So let me give you another.

But you did it for, it came from the right place. Man, I've told so many, I'm sure. And I'm not thinking of any of it pop off that's like devastated anybody. Yeah. Um, but I'll tell you this about a lie. Yeah. This. So I consider that for the right reasons, but wrong choice.

We should, I don't, to this day, I regret doing that. The grandmother one? I do. And just before we move on to your next story, was that story you just told me the truth? Yeah. Yeah.

Except for the point. My dad's alive and well. Totally alive. Yeah, it's all true. All right. So this one's pretty funny. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the Harlan Highway.

You know what? I forgot to do the intro. If I got so, like we got so into the guerrillas in the mess, then we'll do the little comeback to the live. We're halfway through the show. I forgot. We got so into the guerrilla thing.

You're on the Holland Highway podcast. Ryan Sickler's here for the third time. Thank you for you. So good to have you, comedian, writer, podcaster. We'll give out all your credits later in the show. Great. And buddy, so happy to have you here on the pod. Thank you for having me back.

And we're right at the halfway mark. So let's get into the bad lie. We're on the second half of the lie. And I ain't lying. here we go buddy so um this you'll see why when i compare this lie to the last one you'll see why i feel that way so um i was terrible in math math was my worst subject um i barely could scrape by with a c a 70 can i throw a quick math please twist her at you sure why don't they just call 711 stores 18 i got i understand

I had the math. Not hearing an answer. I really don't even know what it means. What is 7-Eleven stand for? Do you know? Well, it's like the fat sign. They could have just said 18, but they got to give us two numbers.

And guys like us who aren't good with math, don't mess with us. We don't get this stuff. I was just doing military time the other day. I was telling Brandy, she's like, well, you just minus 12, right? I'm like, that's how you do it? And see, I don't.

I go, I told her, I go, I have to, you have to understand how this computer works. Yeah. It's not the most efficient. I'm the same. For military time, if I see 20, I know that 12 plus 8 is 20. So that's how I know it's normally fucking, you know, 8 o'clock. And this tells me that you were just in Canada because they do military time at the airport. I wasn't actually, no.

Oh, well, this is. It's all my car and I can't figure out how to change the day. Isn't it the worst? Yes. I'm like, I know what it is, but it's annoying. They do it in Canada at the airport. So us, you're looking at, oh, my flights of 4.30 in the afternoon. You go to Canada, it's like, oh, my flight's at 35 o'clock.

We're lucky I'm in the fucking green beret. Let me get right over to Gate 5, Admiral. 35 o'clock. You know what I mean? It's like, I ain't in the military. I also don't go to ballerina school. Just give me the fucking regular 430. What am I?

Fucking in training? Jesus Christ. Yeah, can I get some camouflage so I can get to my gate, please? Sorry, go ahead. I get so worked out. Because I'm bad in math too, buddy. We're kindred spirits in that way.

Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a T-shirt or a hoodie. But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw.

my own designs at hardbleng.com you can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts you can either buy the original or you can buy a print and man oh man wear them loud and proud i love making these designs for you guys and uh keeping it personal so check out the whole catalog we got hoodies we got coffee mugs we got t-shirts you name it it's there at Harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support. And I'll just keep the, the groovy images coming. I would always make sure I had an A in my gym class to cancel out the C in math class so I could keep my 3.0 to be on the honor roll. So even that I didn't understand. See, I got that. That's how I knew how to go.

Fuck. Just be everything else. Straight B's C and math, A and Jim. You're goodwill hunting me right now. All these A's and pies. And you would get a discount on your auto insurance if you were on the honor roll. And back when Pizza Hut was a sit-down restaurant, you would get a fucking personal pan pizza. And we all would try to get that personal pan.

You got to get that. Take your report card in back when it was on paper. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and then when the pizza was done, you can slide it under your grandfather's bad and let him do his business. That pan came in real handy. So it was, I think it was intro to calculus. It's 10th grade. And my brother and I, being twins, we never had, we intentionally were never in the same classes.

There might have been one. I don't know. I don't know if, I don't know if my parents wanted a separator of the school. Didn't want us to compare. I have no idea. Weird. Okay. Every now and then.

there would be one class that would overlap, and this was one. Okay. We happen to be in this intro to calculus math class in 10th grade. Teacher's name is Mr. Mangold. Oh, and he's the story's got back to him, actually. Mangold. So I fucking fail a test miserably, as I always do. All the math tests.

And he says we got to take it home to our dad and we got to have him sign it. So I just fucking forge it. Right. I turn it in. And then on Friday, I'll never. forget this. It was a Friday afternoon, and he was a cool teacher. He was very short-sleeved, buttoned down, tie, pocket protector, hair over glasses, and leaned into the nerd. Told us he had a, what was it, some kind of sign or cosine curve. I don't even remember what the fuck

it was, on his basement wall at home, like very into math and shit. This is Mangold? Mr. Mangold. Good man. And he was also funny. you know what I mean so okay Friday hits we sit in we're funny mathematician you don't get a lot of those he was humorous my brother and I are in there and he goes he gets up and he goes all right everyone sickler brothers and I was just like this is weird you know he's like um do you guys have different dads and right away I knew this motherfucker my brother also failed the test I knew right away he forged it too and he turned it in

but we didn't tell each other we didn't talk about I failed that test and I signed it I just shut the fuck up and did it but I was upset because this was my class to fuck up yeah this was he was good in it this was mine to fuck up whoa

and the class starts laughing we're like no he's like wow and he holds him up in front of everybody's like two totally different signatures here and he's got a smile on his face. Fucking Mangol. I'm looking at my brother like, you fucking dick.

You know, he's doing it back to me. So it's Friday, and he says, does your dad know about this? And we're laughing. I'm like, yeah, I'm telling you. My dad's signing. He must sign that one in a hurry. I gave it to my dad first. He's like, is that right?

Your dad definitely knows about this. I'm like, we're both like, yep. Now we're on the same page. He's right away. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, okay. Well, tonight's Friday. And it happens to be buy one, get one at the Pap Paps pizza down at the street.

Two-for-one pepperoni pizzas. And I usually take the family out in the van. We get the pepperoni pizzas. We head home. We have Pap-Paps Friday night pizza. But on the way home tonight, I'm going to stop by your house. And we're like, no, you're not. He's like, oh, I am.

He's like, is your dad going to be there tonight? We're like, actually, yes. He's in the bed. We're the fucking pot finder. So I'm like, yeah, he's going to be there. He's like, I'm going to stop by tonight. We're like, no, you're fucking not. Oh, dude, Boston.

We leave school. Both of us forget all about it. Oh, no. It's like that guy from Fast Times at Ridgemount High when he showed up at Spacoli's house. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Swear to God, it's a true story. And I have visual proof, you'll see. Oh, God.

So we both forget about it. It's Friday night. Now we're twins, and we only have one car. It's my weekend to have the car. Soon as I get home, I'm fucking gone. What kind of car? Back then, we had a 1977 Dodge Aspen Station Wagon Limited Edition with tinted windows and wood paneling. That was our first car.

So you were a virgin? Yeah. Wow. At the time I was. Yeah. Also, the funny thing I say this on my podcast. You should have maybe lied about that. If you're going to lie, you should have lied about what kind of car you had.

That car was my cousins, a different cousin's wedding limo. And then when they were done, they sold it to us. That was the car they drove away in. They hung the tin cans on the front. Just married. It had a tin cans on everything. I got a picture of it. Wow.

Okay. So this guy, does he show up? So I'm out all night. And I come home. And when I come home, my dad just like, God, you guys are so fucking stupid. I'm like, what? He's like, Mr. Mangold came by. And that's when it hits me.

He says, I was like, no, he did not. And my brother's there with him. He's like, yeah, he did. I'm like, there's no way he fucking rolled by. He was Pat Papp's pizza. He had his family in the van in our driveway. I was like, he made him wait in the car. The family.

He's in there eating pizza. He came with the fucking test to show my dad. No. And thank God. Like, my dad was very firm but fair. Yeah. And the way Mr. Mangold came with a laugh and shit. like my dad was just like you you two are stupid mother you deserve the zero you know yeah and

just like i don't know they take a picture and my brother's like we have proof we have a picture he came and i was like no it because back then yeah it wasn't like click and text me like look who's here yeah yeah yeah we got to take that shit to right aid or wherever get it developed the whole thing my dad dies i don't know within a month of that maybe and when when we're We had, you know, when we finally came back to school after it, Mr. Mangold pulls me aside. And he's like, I got to ask you, that was very recent. Is that the last picture ever taken to your father? And I was like, holy fuck, it is.

So we went and got it developed. And to this day, I got the picture of my dad in a gold hoodie standing there shaking Mr. Mangold's hand at our house. No way. Showed up. And here's the thing, Harlem-Owomen, I got chills saying it. Yeah. If we don't cheat, like this one blows me away.

Yeah. it goes all the way back literally to my dad's ball bag we we end up being twins we have this fucking class together yeah we both fail a test that my brother usually passes and we both simultaneously think i'll just forge it i'm not gonna fucking tell him we'll keep this shit quiet and if we don't do all of that we don't have that fucking picture of my dad it's wild to me so that's what i compare a positive line to a negative that's what i'm saying like that was a dark thing to protect someone, but not a good choice. The outcome from your Ford's signature lying left you with a beautiful,

sentimental visual memory of your dad and the moment and the lie because Goldfinger was there or whatever his name is, you know? Dude, that's hilarious. Goldfinger. What was his name? Goldman. Yeah, Goldfinger. Mr. Mangold.

Mangold. So I told that story to show in Baltimore, and some people were there. My friend Aileen, who I went to high school with, comes, and she's like, he's still like my neighbor.

I was like, he's still like, yeah, and she told him the story. Does he still have the rape, the van? And he said, well,

he goes, I remember it slightly differently. I was like, well, I wasn't there when they came, so I was like, if there's ever any time he wants to tell.

I would love to hear his point of view, Like, hey, hey, babe, these two kids in my class lied, and we're going to swing by their house real quick. I'm going to put them on this spot. I would love to hear what was going on on his side. Yeah. The family's sitting in the driveway. I wonder if there's a proctologist out there somewhere named Goldfinger.

A hundred percent. A hundred percent there is. Right? For sure. For sure. For sure. I guarantee it. Why wouldn't it?

Yeah, absolutely there is. Buddy, with the thing with the twins, and if you get asked this all the time, just move on. But the fact that you guys individually did the forge signature, which isn't a common thing, to forge a signet, it's not like something you come up with every day. Do you think that was one of those twin things where you kind of think the same?

And on that comment, did you and your brother have a lot of moments like that where you sort of had parallel thoughts at the same time, or is that sort of a myth? I'll say this. Yes and no to your first question. Here's why. Then I'm left with no answer. So yes, I think it was a twin thing in the sense that here's why, though. Okay. I'll answer the second one later, which is more than that double mint thing you're talking about. Okay. I hurt my hand. He feels it over here. Okay. Yeah. He's jerking off or whatever. Well, I didn't ask about that. You could just get back to the family in the driveway eating a pizza.

I don't. Pepperone. Okay. So I think that was a twin thing in the sense that we shared a car. And any time one of us fucked up, the punishment was, all right, Harlan gets it for two weeks. Okay. Fuck. Right.

So I got to be your passenger. If I want to go out in the car, which I do, I got to go wherever the fuck you want to go. Oh, yeah. And those days you love driving when you're just getting started. You just, oh, the best. Put the radio on, drive. So I think the twin part of us was like, shit, if he finds out, I'm getting a car taken away. So we shut the fuck up about that.

Like, we would talk. Yeah. But somewhere between that Monday to Thursday, we did that. And neither one of us said to each other, I forged that fucking shit. Like, I forgot about it. Yeah, yeah. I never thought it would come back to bite me in any way. Look how we came back, though.

Where do you keep the pictures? It's framed in my home, yes, 100%. So you see it every day? Every day. Mm-hmm. That's beautiful? Every day. That's freaking really cool.

And I don't think I would have remembered it being the last photo of he didn't. Like, I'm so glad he thought that. Yeah. Like, it's got to be a wild thing to approach a 16-year-old kid, but like, hey, is that the last photo ever taken of your father? Yeah. You know, so. Amazing. Twin things.

So there's that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a couple of weird things. middle school, like I said, we were always separated. We would have a couple of cool teachers that would tell me like, hey, I just pull you aside real quick, like, hey, I gave the same writing assignment to your brother today and look at this. And we would have almost the same thing written.

Yeah. Oh, really? And that was off the top. Like, they would tell you, come in today and be like, and I wouldn't be like, hey, we wrote about this in her class today. You know, I wouldn't see him. Yeah. It's amazing.

And this is a dumb one, but this was the one where I was like, holy shit. And no one else could have gave a fuck. Okay. So I hadn't seen him in a few years. I go, this is stupid. I go back. We're all hanging out. And I have this particular pair of Adita shoes that you don't see them.

Okay. This motherfucker walks in the house with the same goddamn pair of shoes on. They're the same. Really rare. Yes. And I was like, what the? He's like, what? I go, we got the same fucking shoes on.

And no one could have gave a fuck. And you were wearing them that day? Yes. Oh. So not only are they rare, you're wearing. them on the same day. And I don't call him up and be like, I got these shit. And he, same fucking parachute. And I know that's stupid. It's not like a pair of penny lovers. They were different. I don't remember what they were at this time, but they were a different

pair. And he had them on. And the two of us were surprised. And we're the twins. Everybody else was like, whatever. But I've never had any other, never any of those feelings like, hey, my brother's in trouble. Call him and he is or anything like that. Never been any like deep emotional thing. Like he's in, he's in severe pain or depression and you've felt any residual. Okay. None of that. We're fraternal anyway, not identical. Okay.

We're separate eggs, you know. You are? And I always think, I always believe this is I always tell him I'm his older brother. Because he's technically born first. He was born at 1 o'clock. Okay. I was born at 104. I'm four minutes later.

Wow. And, but, but this is an interesting. We may have talked about this before. We talk about life beginning when you're born. Harlan's born at 1 p.m. on this date at this time. Yeah. I technically believe that I'm older. I believe my egg was older.

It was the first one formed. Why do you? I believe that in that womb, we just got moved around and I came out second. Right. Are you saying that based on an ultrasound that you say it based on my own your own vibe? I love to tell him all. time I'm your older brother and he's like you're not I was born first I'm like yeah but my egg was

formed first and I shoved you out yeah so it always does so when I hear about people talking about when life begins and all this stuff and and abortion and all these things yeah it's always like when well when do we say life begins you never consider twins triplets or any of that life begins according to the hospitals when they pull you out and say this is when you're born. Right. If it did, if it began earlier, you would date that egg back far enough and go, well, that one's older right there.

That person's older. And we could tag. We define, I look, I know we don't say life begins when you come out of the body, but it certainly is happening inside the body. And since it is, you should take the age into consideration. Why are we this when we come out of the body? Why immediately are we? Well, that's your date, your birthday, your time, your,

you're all right huh and there's no way to disprove your theory i don't think maybe today there is you could have pushed him around yeah and he purposely came out a breach baby he came out ass first so we obviously was in a bathing suit yeah we were obviously moving around in there quite a bit and i think about this like i've only ever had four minutes of peace to myself on this planet yeah and it's the four minutes he got yanked out of there and i was still in my mother's right why didn't you stay in a little longer other than that i've had a person with me from the get-go well wait a minute when you come out as twins is there two umbilical cords yeah because we're separate eggs oh weird separate zygotes bro so your mother had

two umbilical cords coming out thing is the only little weird thing we have is um like that's a good question what two bill it would happen well my mom only has one. God, I don't know. Is there two or were you both sucking on the same one? I wonder if it forks and splits off of the main one. You know what I mean? Like a cable, maybe we should have someone at a radio shot. I'm Googling that as soon as we're done. I want, oh, were you born a radio shock? Get the wire cutters split this thing. But my mom took, I'm born in March of 73, which means she got pregnant in 72. So my mom's taking these. They couldn't have kids. Well, they were having trouble getting pregnant. So she takes fertility pills.

And that's it. That's why we're twins. There's no bloodline of twins in our family. We're just science experiment from the 70s. The umbilical cord plugged into our stomachs. Like it didn't plug into our mouth where you'd think we would feed. It's like in our stomachs. And then they cut it.

And then this is going to be a little gross. But the other day I saw a homeless guy bent over a garbage can trying to shit out of his belly button. He was so drunk he thought it was his ass. Was that part of the neighborhood watch? Well, it might have been. It does. If you really look at your belly button, it looks like a second asshole.

Listen, we are definitely the aliens. Like, we only grow up here and we hear like, well, human grows inside the stomach and then it's fed through this tube and all that's alien shit. If we heard that from anybody else, we're like, that's alien shit. We are the aliens. And plus we're air breathers. And for all that time, for nests. nine months. We're floating around in a liquid world. How are we even, how are we even breathing? How are we even? It's amazing. How do we do it? It's amazing. You're amazing.

Thanks, Harlan Williams. Thank you. Did I just fall in love with you? I hope so, bro. I hope so. I do too. I need more love in my life. God, you want to go to pizza hot later? I'll come over here in neighborhood watch with you one night. I would love it. We'll just watch each other. Hi, cinnamon, tears. Just staring at each other. All right, let's do our last set.

Creepy. Let's do our final segment. You know it well. Words from a wooden shoe. We reach into the authentic Dutch clog, pull out a word, see if it sparks a story, buddy. You always have good ones. Can I hold it?

Yeah, oh, yeah. You can wear it if you want. Oh, yeah, ruffle around. What do you got, guy? What do you got, my guy? River. River. Interesting.

I got a couple river stories. I think my favorite one, this is just a simple, quick one. But my dad took us to, my dad was in the Navy during Vietnam. And he had a buddy that had reached out to him. We were in probably ninth grade, probably like 13, 14 years old at the time. Okay. The guy from the Navy reaches out and says, hey, I'm in Minneapolis. Got two boys, your kid's age.

Why don't you come out? We'll hang out and catch up. So we do. My dad's like, what do you think? And we're like, yeah, let's go do it. Do you know what time he reached out? I don't. 2300 hours.

I think it was, I think it was 3,500. 35 o'clock. Sounds about right. Okay, 35 o'clock, right. Well, you said he was in the military. It's a great callback And so we go We fly to Minneapolis

And we go to hang out with his buddies His buddy and his boys And these boys are hellions, man These kids, they would cuss nonstop In front of their dad And my dad looked at me at one point He's like, should I let you guys cuss? And we're like, yeah

And he's like, it's never fucking happening. Wow. And so my dad would like him They're inside drinking beers like go outside and play And these kids take us to a golf course next door they were helions, man. They loved it. Just troublemakers.

And they would pull their pants up to the knees and go wade in the ponds and find golf balls. Oh, yeah. And the next day, we'd go back and sell the shit out. I'm like, what the fuck? We're breaking into the golf courses and doing this. Yeah. They took, I'll never forget this, they took, they each had one fireproof glove on. And they dipped a tennis ball and gasoline.

They lit that motherfucker on fire. And right in front of the house, in the middle of the street, they're playing catch with this fucking thing. That's how these kids were. So they tell us we're going to go to the Mississippi River. And I was like, first of all, I didn't know the Mississippi even went into Minnesota. I just thought it was, I had no idea it got up there, but it did. And it was really, went to a section, it was a good fucking distance.

And I was like, I think I could swim that. The Mississippi? Just, just side. Yeah, cross. Of course. No, I didn't think lengthwise. It's one of the long. You don't know math, do you?

It's one of the, I think it's one of the top five longest rivers in the world. But also they're ridiculous, I mean, saying bank to bank in this one section of the river was far, but it wasn't as far as some of them. You need a boat to get a call, you know? Yeah. So the one kid says he's going to do it. And his dad's like, he's done it before, and he's about halfway out. And there's a current in that river.

There's a current. And I'm like, fuck it. I'm doing it. And I did it. You swam the Mississippi? I swam bank to bank in this one section of it where it wasn't crazy. I'm impressed. But I can sit here and honestly say I've swam in the Mississippi.

Do you remember how on a scale of 1 to 10 what the current was like when you were cutting across? It wasn't terrible. It wasn't bad. It wasn't terrible in that spot. That's a mighty river. Maybe like a two. Yeah, we weren't we weren't stupid. But the thing was it was a long swim.

It was a long swim. It was a mighty, mighty river. Mighty Miss. I mean, freaking, you know, coal barges go down the middle of that thing. Yeah. Wow, dude. Mm-hmm. Amazing.

Mississippi River. I'm glad you made me pull that out. Yeah. That's what she said. Oh, buddy, tell the crew, tell them about your podcast. You have two, maybe three now. Tell them about your tour. Tell me about everything, my guy.

First of all, check out the Honeydew podcast. and start with Harlan's episodes, of course. I also have a new podcast called The Way Back, which is sitting on that old station wagon back seat, looking out into traffic, and Harlan's monkey story and fucking, Hey, stupid. Hi, stupid.

It's still something we laugh so hard about. Good, good. Check that out. It's called The Way Back. It's all nostalgia. It's a short little 30-minute pod. And I do a Patreon called The Honeydew with you all, where I do the honey-dew with regular people,

and it's the wildest. show on Patreon. My tour, I start back on the road. In September, all my fall dates, you can catch everything on my website at Ryan Sickler.com. And don't forget to mention your special, your last special that you put out. My special Lefty Sun is on YouTube. Please go, go watch it, support it, comment, help it out.

My goal was a million. YouTube de-monetized it and flagged it. Why? After two weeks, I was at $550,000. They said I glorified marijuana. I finally got the official official in writing from them. What are we three years old? And they said we don't agree with our policy.

Like if I would have glorified alcohol or even had alcohol commercials, now you can have alcohol ads in your YouTube. So anyway, it's around 880,000, which I'm still happy with, but I'd still want that. Get on there and pump it up for the kid. Come on. Thank you, Harlem Williams. I love you, buddy.

I love you, buddy. Ryan Sickler, everybody. Stay honest. Stay true. Learn some math and tribe up. Until next time, everybody, chicken chowmaine. We'll see you next time on the Hala Highway podcast. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly?

It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh? You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to camio dot com and i record a custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized harland