The Harland Highway - SAM TALENT in a world of anarchy, Cracker Barrel, and all the crazy, nutty, things in between!

Episode Date: September 22, 2026

Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. This episode is sponsored by Prize Picks, Square - Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/HARLAND and use code HARLAND and get $150 if you win your first $5 lineup! - Get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com/go/harland #squarepod More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Sam Tallent: X:https://x.com/TallentSam Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/samtallent/?hl=en Website: https://www.samtallent.com/ #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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and today I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem. You go to Cracker Barrel, you show up for a meatloat for some blackened catfish. Putting Tuesdays. An IQ tester they call it.

The devil's riddle. Right? Yeah, I hate that thing. If you have kids, every kid at the table's got to do it. Oh, I have so many kids. Yeah. My waitress came up to me. She goes, are you here for our summer meatloaf spectacular?

And I said, no, I'm here to find out if my children are fucked hard. Every day is a journey on this podcast. Every fort, burp, squeak, sneezer. And yes, you are tuning in to the Holland Highway, eating banana cream French fries. And we also paint penguins with cinnamon. Dude, that Rumors Club? Winnipeg. Wait, what?

Yeah, the comedy club in Winnipeg, rumors. Are you gagging me right now? No, it's a great room. Really? It's like one of the first places I ever sold out. You love it? Yeah. Winnipeg.

Yeah, rumors. And I can confirm them. It's good. You can confirm there's a room there. Yeah. But it's called rumors. Yes. So how do we know there's a room there?

Because like, well, I actually can't. Yeah, that's like the time I tried to go to the optical illusion museum, and I couldn't find the door. Yeah. And then one time I tried to go to a place called the Future Shop, and it was just a parking lot. Yeah. That's how everything's going to look in 30 years.

They're going to pave everything. Yeah. Yeah. And then I went to preschool, and I was just a teacher and a bunch of children standing in a field because they hadn't built it yet. Well, I also parked in your driveway,

so I have concerns as well. Yeah. Oh, you got to. I mean. What do you drive, by the way? I bet you have a mean machine. Yeah, so it's like, you know, Grave-Digger? Grave-Digger, the wrestler?

No, no. Oh, the monster truck. He's pivoted into a monster truck. Yeah, the big giant truck? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm driving, like, the floor model of Grave-Digger. Describe, please. Okay, so imagine like an Iron Maiden album.

Yeah. But it was made into truck form. Ooh, you're talking my language. Instead of gas, it runs on blood. Oh, wow. So that's what I'm pushing around. It was really hard to drive up here. You're talking my language.

I know. I was one of the first guys to... Wait, what is it? English. Or wait, you're Canadian could be French. I'm saying it's, so it's ing. Engel. Engel-ish.

Yeah, yeah. So the language is Engel. It's like a pigeon of English. I speak Engel, English. So I'm speaking ingle-ish. Like a patois. Oh, I love that. You love French food?

On toast, oh, yeah. Oh, God. I love French food at an English. Ingle restaurant. I want to come back as a goose. Really? And just get stuffed and fed until my liver becomes fat enough to serve to kings. Oh, I'd love to see you serve to a king.

Wow, it's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me. I'd love to see you serve to Rodney King, if you don't mind. I think it would heal. I think you'd be tenderized real nice, too. Well, if the police treated me the same way they treated him, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're going to go down. I wouldn't need to be suvied. Oh, wow, yeah.

Oh, folks. Let me hit the theme music. Sam Tallinn is here. Holy God. Is it really you? Yeah, I'm not a hologram. Dude, have you ever been a hologram? Talk to me.

I kind of like, remember how Gallagher sold his act to his brother? Yeah, I did that with my act, but through hologram. You sold your act to a hologram? I did. I got ripped off. What the H. Salt Fish and Chips Christ. I had to fire my management. Wait.

So how, when you sell your ass, act is all. a hologram, how long does it stick around? It depends on the quality of the light in the room. Right. But like it can linger, you know. Oh, and as a hologram, can you vary your size? Like, could you be like a 40 foot Sam Talon? It can also be two inches tall. Wow. That's eight millimeters, I think. Are you going metric on my hairy ass? I just want you to feel included. Okay. And that was a test. I don't have a hairy ass. Okay. It's no, it's smooth. there's a Chinese rubber ball bouncing around in a Norwegian gumball machine. It's your show. We can honor whatever truths you want.

Thank you. Folks, Sam Talent is here. New York comedian. That's right. Known as my New York ties. You're from New York, right? No, I'm from Colorado. Oh, I'm sorry.

Dude, it's okay. Wait, so you started in Collie Town. That's right, yeah. I flowered there. And you moved where? I moved to Detroit, Michigan. That's a weird humpelump. Like why, who goes?

I'm a heffalump and it's a real woozel. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. I know. Am I, is that Seuss language or Muppet language? I think it's Cree actually. Oh, it's Cree, yeah.

Oh, you're right. Because there was a lot of Indian tribes in that part of the USA. 100%. So Hufflelump, snuffelump. Wuzzles. Wuzzles, that's all Cree talk. Yeah. Do you speak any Chippewar or gibbouet?

Choctaw. What'd you call me? I said chokta. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh. He said something else. Oh, no, no, no. I was about to fly out of this chair.

Sorry, I'm not one of those comics. Okay. Yeah, yeah, no, no. Okay. Yeah, no, I don't do that kind of stuff. Okay, thank you. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't want to come into my own podcast, the Hall-Haway podcast.

You get insulted right to my dirty, smelly, Lyme-Diseased face. But non-Hary. That's my ass, yeah. Yes. I want to get into something about, because we're talking about skin. 100%. That's why we're here. Do you like epidermal talk or no?

I'm pretty big on subcutaneous layers, but bringing it to the surface, this is new. Oh, okay. So again, we're in the wheelhouse. I'm going to circle back to an Iron Maiden story for you. I can't wait. Yeah. What? Oh, can you hit it again?

It's been having some issues, and we don't have to have it because it's the wide. Pour some more coal in it maybe. Yeah, some coal. Is it black? Yeah, I think it's having to. But we're good because we have the main cameras. We're covered. Huh?

Oh, no worries. Yeah, I think it's, I think something died on that one. Yeah, you can just leave it. Yeah, it's okay. Luckily, that's our big wide shot. So we already got like 10 minutes of it. So we're established. These are the main ones.

Yeah, we need. That one right there, obviously. Yeah. And then when I say something kind of like, I go over there. Yeah. And then we'll just cut back to the footage we already have of this. Me sitting down. And it'll be muted and they won't know.

Right. It's perfect. It's camera trickery. I get podcasts, man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I understand how tricks. You know the tricks.

Yeah. What are you going to finish the sign, by the way? What do you mean? It looks like they ran out of paint towards the bottom. Or a cat got to it. No, that's, what is that? That's mold. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. Blue mold. I heard about that. Yeah, blue mold. There's black mold, green mold, bread mold. I just see mold. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to get lost in that whole thing. I'm sorry. Yeah, I shouldn't, I shouldn't colorize it. But yeah, blue mold, you know, mold was the, how they discovered penicillin. You already knew that. 100%. I mean, I have a degree in it. So yeah. You do? Yeah. And blue mold, you'll never guess what they used, what they discovered using blue mold. Take a crack.

Rookford cheese. So you do know. Yeah, I knew. Oh. It's like the one thing they used. Oh, okay. That's everyone knows that about blue mold. I feel a bit foolish.

I thought I was here I was. I'd give you a big stumper at the beginning, but you were like, boom, instantly. That was your big stumper? How did blue cheese become blue? Come on, man. Yeah. God, I feel like a fool. Let's get Amber back in here.

Yeah, Amber. Can you come back in real quick and just check the, check the camera again. I need a bit of a diversion. I need to reset. I didn't mean to make you feel small. No, but I apologize. It's me. I feel like I should know more.

You do, you know so much. But not enough. I don't know my molds. Well, how about we started at the beginning? Of what? Mold. Okay. Okay.

So I was looking at this petri dish the other day. Now we're talking. Yeah. And it was clear, but I put a sample in it of, I think it was liver worse. Sure. And within about four days, I had a black, mold culture growing. Yeah, but you also had a hell of a sandwich spread. Let's be honest. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And I also barfed all night so hard, it looked like I stucked my roof with

azalea color. Is that what that was? Yeah. I thought someone threw a pie on the sand. Yeah, that was insane. Yeah. Yeah. And it was blackberry pie, too. Blackberry, yeah. Have you ever had grackleberry? Every day in my life. Talk to me. So in my backyard, we have a variety of bushes. Yeah. We have raspberries, we have black currants, we have mulberries. We got a couple grackles. And I'll tell you what, they are so loud. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, what is the texture? What is the flavor of a grackle berry? Kind of tastes like a bird's beak. It tastes like the grackle. Oh, yeah, because there's a bird the grackle. Is there? There is. Oh, shit.

Well, that makes sense. There's actually a bird the grackle, but there's a grackle berry, too. Right, yeah. That's why the berry tastes like the bird, I guess. But you said the beak. Yeah, it tastes like beak. Maybe that's where the flavor comes from because you've got two textures fighting each other. You get the soft, malleable texture of a berry.

I call that tongue squission. Tongue squishin. Yeah, you can eat it with your tongue in your palate. Excellent. And you got the crunchy shards of that beak. That beak, the hard kind of enamel kind of, and it's almost like a peanut butter cup, but it's a grackle cup. Right, it's like you got glass in my pie. Yeah.

Yeah, that kind of thing. Or you got Beacon My Berry. Now we're talking. Beacon Barry. We could sell those smoothies down there for $25. You know, Beacon Bear was also my science teacher in grade 12. You knew Beacon Barry? Jim Beaconberry.

Jim was a good guy, hell of a handball player. That guy was a hell of a handball player. Could light a Bunsen burner like a Chinese orman at a canoe paddling festival. Didn't use hands. You know what I mean? Wow. Yeah. We are hitting it off, guy.

Hey, guess what? You're the man. I think this is so much fun I'm the man for now Well, we'll see I'm here to depose you Really? Yeah, I'm here to dethrone you

Well, yeah See, here's where you're going to have trouble Because as I say I'm the man for now But I'm not, you're the first to hear it gang Okay That's my camera I'm transitioning Really?

Yeah Into what? A baby Goo Goo Goo Gaga You're gonna make a billion dollars Yeah Yeah Did you say goo Goo Goo Goo Gaga?

What? Because I'm about to slap you with my baby hand. And baby talk, that's like the equivalent of calling me a dirty whore. Oh, well, I really apologize. I just know phonetic baby talk. Okay. You know, like how you can like kind of piece together Spanish if you've worked in the kitchen. Right.

That's me with babies because I work in a lot of kitchens with babies. Have you ever worked with babies? Oh, yeah. Talk to me. In their language? Why don't we start there and then we'll kind of move it on up? Okay. So I'm going to try and talk to you with shapes and colors then.

I'm game. All right. So I was right here the whole time. That might be a bit too premature baby. Okay. Is there anything you can verbalize? I can go in utero. Ready?

We're going to get you out of there, buddy. Oh, so now you're even further back. Yeah, yeah. You're like womb talking. Right, yeah. Wom talking, womb rocking. You're like testing the, the womb. I don't call it testing because I devoted my life to this, but yeah, assessing the womb.

More like placentaing the room. Well, hey, either way, we're going to be warm. Wow. Now, tell me more about your transition, though, to being a baby. Well, you know, everyone, everyone's trying to do lichop suction and doing all this cosmetic surgery to try and shave a few years off here and there. You're obviously perfect already. Yeah, but I do know biologically, I'm aging. I can't. stop it. Every day I wake up. That's not true. Well, look at me. It's a mindset. I have been, and I've got to say it's not the best part of this. Yeah.

But everything else is great. But look, my hair is like gray. It's kind of like a Santa Claus in reverse. Right. It used to be dark. Right. I remember. And so instead of, you know, shaving off a couple of years with a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon. All the way back to the crib. I'm like, let's go back to where I curl up and I look like

a Chinese lima bean. Oh, cool. Like just a little like almost like a fetus. So not soybean, but we're going to go lima beans. Which is better because it's more arthric virile. Oh. You don't want to be a baby that loses your like, you know, your masculine edge.

Can a baby be masculine though? You know what? There's a lot of talk about this on a lot of different podcasts. I don't know if we got to get into it. Prize picks. Prize picks. Oh yeah, gang. Football is finally back.

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If you win your first $5 lineup, repeat it two times. Prize picks. Run your game. Have fun. Get excited. Prize picks. Ow. Well, I'd like to get into just to the death of the umbilical cord.

So I've seen a baby. Yeah. I know a baby actually named Griffin. He's a little grown up now, but I knew a little Griff when I lived in Fort Collins, Colorado. Yeah. And this kid was a real tough son of a bitch. Immediately, right out of the womb. Like...

What did he do? I mean, he would, like, eat apples off of, like, a switchblade, and he had this leather, like, leather jacket that he would wear. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so, like, I think that he was definitively masculine even when he came out. He had like a pompadour as a baby. As a baby.

Easy Pony Boy. Wait, he had a switchblade? Yeah, I mean. I thought those were illegal in Canada. I thought they were illegal in the States. I can get you switchblade in like 10 minutes. Where? Right down at that shop down at the bottom.

Really? Yeah, where you and Stephen Tyler hang out. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. I didn't know you could get switch blades here. Oh, I can get you a stiletto. I'll get you everything except for like a big machete. I'm having trouble because a switch blade,

there's two actions with a switch blade, as you already know. That one? There's the flick blade. And then there's a one with the little button. Stiletto. Right. So I'm picturing a baby's thumb is probably smaller than the button on the stiletto. Like two hands probably?

Do you think it needs two thumbs? Yeah, I think so. So they're fumbly. And a newborn baby's about this high. Well, it's fair. They can be a little bit smaller, a little bit bigger. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, so they're in this wheelhouse. Sure, right around there, I think. But a switch blade with the blade out is probably about half the length of a baby's body. At least a third. Probably half. So talk to me how a baby maneuvers that weapon around. The baby doesn't have to maneuver it once it opens up the blade. That's the thing.

If you see a baby with a blade, guess what you're doing. Turn it around, walking the other way. I'm not breastfeeding? Well, maybe if the baby walks in and says, get off my titty, then I would understand. If you're breastfeeding off the baby's mother, then I might be scared. Oh, I see. No, what I meant is baby pulls a blade. I'm thinking, baby can't communicate.

What does a baby want milk? I put it on my teat. Okay. And it's got the blade to my throat. And it finishes suckling when it wants. Not when my tit starts to hurt or chap. Right. Yeah.

Weathered. weather that's a long weathered lip-in. That's a long suckling if your nipples weathering. Yeah. I could see you getting chapped or put for it to weather. Well, when I got done with my mom's nipple, it looked like a sick dog's nose. What in the name of Morgan Freeman's dimpled ass hairs? RIP.

Wow. Yeah. You've done some living guy. I've been out there. I've been mixing it up. I've barely been able to sit down and say hello to you. And the things that are flying out of your mouth, it's like a pinwheel nailed to a tree on July 4th in a Korean neighborhood.

They call me the kaleidoscope and they have a tough time pronouncing it. Wow. I tell you what. Yeah. Yeah, man. How would you phonetically say kaleidoscope? Pretend I'm Korean. Let me ask you.

Oh, your name, what your name, Fran? My name, kaleidoscope. Coririswrel? Yeah, uh, ka, kha, laida, ri, du, scope. Caririsphal. Perfect, yes. Yeah. Now, can I get one of those hot dogs? Wow.

It's the Fourth of July. That ending, I didn't see that ending coming. I brought it back to the world you created. You brought it back to the world of processed meats. It always comes back that way to me. I love it. Hey, you know who doesn't love it? Cows?

My colon. Oh, wow. They're not supposed to go there. You're supposed to eat them. Well, I mean, they're shaped for your colon, but don't put them there. It's all the same in the dark. You know what I mean? That's true.

Okay. It's sort of like if a tree falls in a forest, and nobody hears it, did it really fall? Did I really eat a hot dog with my butt if no one saw it? If you eat a hot dog in the dark and it goes in your butt, does anybody know it didn't go in your mouth? Well, the 12 viewers I have on the live stream do, but... Oh, sweet. Mercantile with Bat Vision?

We're talking Mercantile? Well, you said it's got to be in the dark. So if you got people watching you on live stream, they're either owls. I have a bunch of nocturnal predators watching my live streams. Talk to me. Give me some species. Okay.

So you know Osolots? Do I? Well, you like them? I know lots of them. Do you like Osolots? I love them. Because the birds that have been watching my stream have been decimating the Osolot community. So predatory birds, because an oscillat's a fairly big spotted cat.

They live in Texas, actually. Well, they do after that zoo train derailed. But let's not get into that. Okay, okay. I don't want to talk about that anymore. Okay. I was not driving. I was not the engineer.

I was just another guy working for the zoo train. So let's quit pointing fingers. But the birds that watch, we have peregrine falcons, obviously. Can I just do an addendum here? Anytime. Fastest living creature on the planet, the paragon falcon. That's what big falcons been saying. And I mean, do you think it's faster than...

A Jida? No. Usain Bolt, the fastest man on two legs. Okay, just so you know what I'm processing right now, because I don't want to keep anything from you. Please be an open door. I'm picturing the next Olympics. I'm picturing the starting line, Canada, the USA, Brazil, Portugal, Jamaica, Hussein Bolt, and on Lane 6 at the end, a Perrigan Falcon.

Okay. I'm visualizing the same. starting pistol going off. On your mark. Get set. And someone shoots the falcon. Falcon explodes. And Hussein wins. So I guess you're right. Hussein bolts the fastest still.

Because if you're going to see a bird inside a stadium, you've got to shoot it. You have to blast it to feathers. Remember when that baseball player, Randy Johnson, threw a baseball and knocked a seagull right out of the... You're not going to let a bird get between you and a sport. Pita was so mad about that. Oh, what'd they do? Put Tatsiki on it. So you're the king, brother.

The Burger King? Hello. But I want to, do you know, I love it that you brought up the accidental. I was like, so locked in. And I was like, I'm not going to let this guy get away. No, you got away, man. Did I get one in? You still got one in.

You got it. You got the, you got the Tatsiki reference. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's my guy. We're hitting it off. I got to intro you again because of that one. Folks, Sam Tallinn is here. A comedian, wordsmith, master of languages,

author, in a minute he's going to pull out his rectangle shape and share it with me. So you've been doing your flashcards. What do you mean? You know your shapes now. Yeah. You're going to be a terrible baby if you know all your shapes. Ooh, yeah. Yeah.

Hold on. We'll do a little test, really. Okay, okay. Well, here we go. This is your new life as a baby. Okay. Put yourself in it. You're wearing a diaper.

Very good. Okay. Yep, your bones haven't fully formed. You're mostly a bag of slime. Hey, baby Harlan. What shape is this? Wait a minute. You're no baby.

Fuck you, pal. grown man wearing a hat with a goatee. Screw your hairy. You had me. Yeah. You think I'm Harry? Yeah. No, if you're hairless, I'm hairless too. Okay. We can both tell a couple fibs to our new friend. Hairless and the Henderson's. God, I got cast in that. You did? Yeah. Which bone did you break? Uh, this one. Oh, that's a tough cast on the elbow. He kept grabbing. Oh, Hansian, and here he is with the big feet. You think he would have used his foot? No, he was actually banned from Thai kickboxing. I didn't even know he used Roll on. close

all right this is like Jackson Pollock versus Jackson Pollack and we're just splattering this is exactly the kind of comedy I like it is oh then I'm gonna stop oh please I'm not here to accommodate you

you're here to service the Hall of Highway podcast well I clean the pool okay all right you're back in Sam your book talk to me I love literature this is a book about a hitman in Paris doing one

last job. It's called Brute. Oh. Yes. It's violent. It's sexual. And it's scented. It's for you. Smell that book. That's brute all right. That's right, man. What's the sequel? High Karate? I'm barely old enough to get that joke.

High karate? There was a lot of different ones. You knew Brut was an after shave, right? I had a grandpa. Okay. He was a merchant Marine. Yeah, he's locked up. What happened? Whaling. He was a whaler? Mm-hmm. Yeah, he played Hartford for a while.

Then he got traded. Oh, okay. He didn't pay his taxes in Canada. Yeah. Buddy, I'm, can I read a page? I was hoping you would read the first chapter out loud on the pot. The first chapter? Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Hang on. How long is the first chapter? I don't know, but does Mark Mother's Bar? I know you have his glasses? Mark who? Mother's Ba. What about his mother?

Oh, she got Lupus. Really? Yeah. I hate that ride at the Fair Tart. just goes round and round. I prefer the Viking one. Oh, God, that's swing us. Yeah, when I'm on that, I say, swing us me.

I'll swing us before I loop us. That's a great Vince Vaugh. So what is it? Swingus. Swing us. Yeah. Yeah, Vince Vaughn. You're so cash, Duder.

Remember that line? You're so cash. You're cash, baby. Cash, honey. I'd love to read the first chapter. How many pages is it? I think it's 117. There's only two chapters.

Oh, there are? No. Oh, there's chapter 20. Yeah, 20's good. But it kind of skips around. So it goes from like one, two, three, 17, 8, and then 20. And you kind of have to like figure it out as you go. Oh, it's 30.

It's almost 13 pages, the first chapter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it flies, man. Okay. You want me to read the first chapter? I think they want you to do it. I'm thinking about them. I'm a proxious to the viewer. They don't come here for hijinks and goofing around.

They come to see a man read a book that he just picked up. No, I think what you're saying is 100% correct. Thank you. If your glasses match the cover, take it for a spin, brother. Okay. Folks, here we go. Chapter 1 of Brute, a novel by Sam Talent. I'm going to put a little mood music under this.

Please. I think I want to do it for you? No, no. What I would like you to do, because to me this is literature. This is important. To me, it's the sound of my soul singing. It's the sound of your soul singing. your words. A lot of them. I'm going to read this and so what I need you to do is shut your gaping pie hole.

There were two men in Tama, Iowa, until one killed the other badly with a shotgun at intimate range. The killer continued to fort Dodge where he knifed the second man, liver, heart, liver, liver, in the parking lot of a reptile expo. In Nebraska, he ate fried pork cutlet pounded the circumference of a hubcap. Do they have a machine back there, he said? No, just a mallet. It's crazy what meat will do.

At a sporting goods store... I'm going to stop you for a second. I just ate that key. You ate what? I remember when I zip my lips. Yeah. And now it's like, it hurts. Oh.

Well, should I skip to the last sentence of the first chapter? You know what? Maybe because I feel like my esophagus might be tearing. Oh, God. Yeah, let me get to the, okay. Yeah, just, okay. Even the last, like, a couple words would probably be funny. Yeah.

Brain freeze. He braced himself against the counter, unlocked his knees. The ice cream. Oh, I wolfed it. I was about to call an ambulance. Well, I'm glad you didn't. The concierge laughed. Do you want to do the laugh?

Wait, the what laugh? The concierge. How do you spell it? Conce. You spelled it wrong. Wait. You spelled it concierge. You can't read?

Well, no, I'm reading what you wrote. Maybe you are a baby. You spelled it wrong. You fell for the key gag, and you can't read simple words like concierge. Well, it says C-O-N-C-I-G-E-R-E, concierge. Is it, let me see, is it spelled wrong? You wrote the, book, you should know. I didn't edit it.

Well, I don't like you having second doubts about your own masterwork. Well, I just don't know if the word's spelled right. And I swallowed a key moments ago in this great act out that I was doing. And now the key is coming back up and tearing my esophagus. And I'm filling up with stomach acid. Well, you know what's interesting? I just asked you to do the laugh. And if you do that, then you can subconsciously do, what would you do if I laughed up a key? Would you, you, you know? You're right. I'm sorry. So I'll read it again and you do the laugh and then we're almost done.

Okay. I was about to call an ambulance. No, not yet. Because remember it's the concierge laugh. Okay, sorry, the concierge's laugh. I was about to call an ambulance. Well, I'm glad you didn't. The concierge laughed.

You foolish. Me too. That would have been tough to explain. Robert Buzhaliwalayash agreed. All right. That's your stink you're putting on there. Do you want me to spell it? Robert, R-O-B-E-R-B-E-R-T.

Okay, it's Robert. Second name, B-E-A-U-J-O. No, no, you said the last name, right. L-L-A-O. It's Robert. Oh, I said the first name wrong. Correct. Robéar.

That's sort of a Cajun French flair. Well, yeah, if you read the book, you would know that he runs a shrimp farm and he needs to do one last job in Paris so he can afford a new fan vote. I just gave away the whole book. Well... Pre-order the book? No, you almost gave it away, but I'm going to read the last sentence and really give it away. Yeah, please.

That won't make anyone mad. A face appeared briefly before him, and it was everything he wanted it to be. He pulled the matchbook from under his dusty code. He put... I haven't read this in a long time. I forgot how good it is. I'm sorry. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Trying to ruin your ending? I'm sorry. He pulled the flint across, like an anvil dragging across the desert. A small spark appeared, and smoke whisked into the sky like a dying memory. He tossed the match into the flames, and his wife screamed, I love you. Dude. You should have done the audiobook. That was so good.

of? Yeah. Oh. Okay. I mean, it's not too late. I did the audiobook, but that really, like, that cemented it as, like, an actual work of art the way you read it. Um, okay, let me see if I can do the audio book. Okay. Um, no, you almost got it. I think the red one. Yeah. Check. Check. I'd prefer cash. You do? Yeah, I mean, oh, if that's all right. Well, I don't know. know how to do the audio book, but I think we got a lot of mileage out of this. This was one of the better bits anyone's ever done with the book. Bits? Yeah.

I don't think literature is a bit, my guy. I apologize, Harland. Folks. It wasn't a bit, and your ass is smooth and gleaming. Yeah. Brute, folks. Where can they get it? They can get it from their local book store.

Well, what if they don't have a local book store? It's not like every neighborhood has a local bookstore. Go to the Dollar General and demand it. Oh, the Dollar General. Yeah, that's where everyone gets their books nowadays. Dude, I'm excited you wrote a book. This is your second book? Yeah, yeah.

I wrote a novella, too, but I wrote a book about an old broken-down road dog called Running the Light. Yeah. That's how I kind of like anyone started giving a shit about me. And you would like that one a lot. Really? Rick Kerns is in there? Rick Kerns.

You know Rick Kerns. I do? I don't know. I'm assuming. You've been doing comedy for long enough. I don't think I know Rick Kerns. You know Rick Kearns, the Denver legend, Rick Kerns? No.

Do you know Sharkey the Bulldog nickname? No. Oh, that guy was good. I don't know these people. Okay. What about Gretchen Hart? No. She did that bit where she would like make the banana disappear?

No. Oh, she was one of the best magicians. Okay. Well, I thought you'd been out on the road, you know, tackling. No, no. No, no. No. No.

Okay. But give us a quick synopsis, like in a sentence, encapsulate what the book's about. I think it's a love story, but it's a, it's a violent affair between a man and a gun and revenge. And he goes to Paris to do one last job, which is killing the last remaining mob boss of the Italian crime syndicate. It's really good. There's a lot of knife play. There's a lot of kissing between men. It's horny. It's erotic. Oh, like the kissing between two men? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Men can kiss. But is there any kissing between men and women? No. It's not that kind of book. What? It's not smut.

Yeah. Yeah, it's high literature. But wait. You read the end. His wife. His wife. Yeah, he burns her alive. Yeah.

What is your connection to Italy and Paris, though? For you to write a book based in that environment, have you been there? Have you spent time there? You know what? This is my first time in California. So, yeah. So, like, I have not actually been, I've been to Delaware. Yeah.

I've been to Michigan. I've been to Colorado. I've been to Wyoming a bunch to get fireworks. I've been in Nebraska one time for that court thing, and then obviously I've been to Ottawa. How does one write a book about a place they've never been to, though? Where? I'm going to pull back the curtain a little bit.

Yeah. You heard of chat, GPT? Yeah. Dude, I didn't do. I just put in write cool book. This is what pumped out. Right, cool, spy story. Right, badass book.

And it's like, here you go. And then I said, hey, Random House, here's that thing I've been working on. Thanks for the money. And you're selling this now. Oh, they are, yeah. How much? That's that one right there? That's free.

That's for you. This is for me? That's for you, man, yeah. Oh, come on, you got to sign it. You just got to get it back to the library by the 14th. Oh, hello. Yeah, you got to sign it for me. Folks, please.

Is it Harland? Harland, H-A-R. That's actually right there. That might be a good guide. for a writer, I mean, I'd think you'd... Well, for a writer, the pen's failing. Yeah. Well, that's a chat GT pan.

Folks, please go out and get brute. There you go, buddy. Oh, thank you so much. I love this. To Harland. And then what's that say? Oh, that's your name. That's my name, yeah.

I don't have my glasses on. Put him back on. Put it back on. We can write more. Rugrats theme songs. No, it's quite an interesting signature. It's actually very, the signature's almost more artistic than the book. Oh, there's not an ounce of any sweat or tears put in there. I'm telling you, man, just, hey, bangor book, quick. I want to get behind the process of you. I want to picture you writing this book. Put me in a beanbag chair. Where are you? Where are you? What

time of day or night are you doing it? What's it look like? I do a lot of the writing at the arcade. What do you mean? So there's like this penny arcade by my house. Yeah. I like to go in there. I got a bucket full of quarters. You know, I got a couple of tuna fish sandwiches. Wait.

Yeah. How, isn't that distracting? No, because the book was done by chat GPT. I'm not buying it. Okay, well, a lot of people are. And I'm blown away. It's crazy. Well, I'm gonna.

James Patterson hung himself when he saw how many sales I had. He did? Yeah. What did he use to hang himself? I think it was a, it was a typewriter ribbon. Oh. old school. Imagine if I got it quicker, it probably would have been better. Yeah, that's called the auto-exifixiation Hemming Way-in. It's unbelievable. I hate weigh-ins. You do? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my

God, especially if you're a fish. God. God. But I want to picture you writing. Okay. I want to, like I write too. Do you? And so I want to picture you, I want to know what it looks like when you're writing, where you're writing, what time a day or night? I'm in a beanbag chair. For real? Mm-hmm. Okay. Why a beanbag chair?

I like a chair that doesn't stand on bullshit. I don't want any legs under that thing. Oh, wow. I just want to be a man in a bag. Right. Typing prompts into chat GPT and then cashing checks from a giant publishing house. That's my whole, like, process. Now, before you started selling books of making money, were you writing in a refried bean chair?

I would actually do casso. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just the smaller letters? Yeah, yeah. Okay, lower casso? Right, yeah. Okay. And all incursive. So it was lower caseo. Oh, wow. With refried beanbag? I mean, chair?

One time the beanbag chair did fall in the friar. Oh, wow. So it was a big friar. Well, they usually are those guys. That's why they wear those big brown robes to hide the fat rolls. And also Robin Hood could hide under their, easier too. Oh my God. Remember him? I do. Never happened to that guy? He was everywhere when I was a kid. Yeah. He would rob from the rich

to give to the poor. Right. And then the poor would take the investment to better themselves, in turn become wealthy on what he gave them. And then he in turn would eventually rob them the prick. It was trickle-down treachery. Yeah. What a douche. Well, it created an Ouroboros of wealth, right? So you had a snake eating its own ass that he could rob at both ends. Sounds like a hot dog in the dark to me. Hey, turn the lights on. I'll show you how to eat at the right one. Holy lampshade love.

You thought these buns were hungry. Turn the light on. Carry me home. We'll leave the light off for you. Please leave the light. Yeah, that's why I stay there. Do you eat hot dogs at the motel six? Wow, we'll leave the light off for you.

Wow. So a beanbag chair, and do you write it during the night or during the day? All hours. Okay. It's called the program. So my wife is a doctor. When she was in medical school, she had to be selfish. And it was called the program.

What do you mean? She had to be completely devoted to her task. And now I get a program, which means I got to be selfish and lost in my art in this room. And it's like a solarium and the lights coming in. And I can look at my backyard and think, why aren't I out there? Is it a torturous for you to write? Or is it a pleasure? I really do enjoy it.

But stand-up, which I've done for 20 years, is immediate. And you know if it's good or bad, right away. And like you, I love to goof around and sing and be in the moment. And when you're really in that fucking thing and you're locked in and it's all brand new to you as well, that's an electric feeling. Writing is the opposite of that. Stand-up is you go on stage and if you're like, if you're good at it, it's just like a bunch of strangers, just like hose you down with their love and admiration. Yeah.

You're just like, I'm God. But in writing, you're just like alone in a room and you're thinking, what's another synonym for fat? Porcine, portly, porky. Why don't they all start with peas? Wait, porcine is foreign to me. Define porcine. Like pig-ish.

It means pig-like. I learned a new word today. I didn't know that one. Concy Gorge? That was a new one to you as well. Yeah. Yeah. Has Porcene been used in this book, do you think? My dad was the only person to edit my first novel, and his only note was,

Hey, buddy, you used Porcene too much to describe your friend. You did? Yeah, I used Porcine like six times to describe my friend who's a big fat guy. So it's one of sort of your catch words. It is, like, I put it on T-shirts. Sometimes we use words that maybe we know that it isn't a common word, and we know that we know how to use it. And in a way, maybe we lean on it a bit to make our audience think we are a little smarter than we are.

Not that I'm saying you're not smart, but sometimes we have these. I think all writers have a certain little basket of words that they know nobody else really sprinkles into their work. And they're like, if I put in the word ambiguity here, that will probably, you know, or. Foliated. Right? Foliated is a big one for me, where I think foliated was a word that no one's ever heard or used. since like Chaucer, was in the first draft of this three times. Foliated means when you, something becomes covered with foliage, right?

It becomes overly like a growth of bush and plants and foliated. It's the opposite of your butt. Yes, smooth, yeah. It can also mean reminiscent of foliage. Right. So not only can it mean something that's inundated, buried in foliated. It can also mean something that's kind of crinkly like a leaf. Ah, see?

And porcine was the other. word? Porcine, yeah. Porcine enfoliated. So that's two. That's two. Give me a third. Okay. Brombinian. What in the name of Chinese Axel grease does that mean? So you have read the Tao of Chang. Chang. Oh, P.F. Chang's. You read the translation. I just read the menu of P.F. Chang's. I don't, I can't read. I didn't read Chinese. I don't speak Filipino, so it's tough for me to read it. You will. Yeah. Hopefully. If this thing is selling. Yeah. Yeah.

So what does that word mean? What was it again? Brogbingnian. Brogbingnian. Also a football player on the Steelers. It means huge. Yeah. It means immense.

Does it really? Yeah, yeah. Broadbiglian. Something along those lines. Say it again? Broadbignan. Brog bignan. Yeah, I might be mispronouncing it.

But that's another word that was in here. And then my editor was like, hey, we're not writing this for Friar Tuck and the rest of Robin Hood's boys. Right. We've got to get rid of this. This is for human beings in 20. How many times did you drop broad bliglion? Just once. Okay, that's fair.

But I did it in bold in text that was much larger than the rest of the words. What? So, like, it stuck out. You were like, hey, look at me. I know a word you don't. But wait, your editor forced you to remove it? Yeah, rightfully so. What?

I think I like it. No, because you're reading it and you're like, whoa, hey, okay, I've heard all these words before. And then you totally bumped out of it. And now their experience is ruined because I wanted to use a word that I knew. And it makes you look bigger and smarter, but then it takes them out of because they don't know what it means. And it's like, well, now I don't understand this sentence. Well, and I used it in the author bio, too. Oh, wow.

I wanted to be Sam Town as a Bragg Bigny and writer. He's the biggest man ever. No one's ever been larger. Oh, wow. Yeah. But then I lost all the weight. That's why I'm back in Hollywood because I finally lost him of weight. Wait, were you big?

I was pretty big. How big were you? Like $3.50. And I did, I said yee because we're talking. I went back sort of Shakespeare. say I was Broad Bignan. Okay? Wow. I was poor scene. I was Mommy's little dumpling boy. And if, wow. So the doctor called me. You were almost like Broad Pigleyan. Sounds like. Both of those. Yeah, I mean, that's the last time I was here was to audition for the

Babe sequel. Oh, wow. We needed a body double. So. Whoa, guy. How much did you tip the scales at my player? 350. Wow. That's like 130 stone or whatever you guys use. Quid. Quid. Yeah, we use quid. Yeah, I'm pro quo. I'm quid quo. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. I'm also Kid Rock at Halloween. What? Hold on. Wait. May I just know what the fuck you're talking about? Because as a fan and as a fellow creative, how did we get to Kid Rock from that? I just want to know so I can follow the breadcrumbs back to the house. I don't want to pull back the curtain on the magic of Harland, but what the fuck did that mean? Well, you said Kid Quo. Yeah, I said quid pro quo. Yeah, I said quid pro quo. And then And you said, I was also Kid Rock for Halloween.

Awesome. Okay, I'm there. I get it. I know there's a reason for it, but I have to go back and look. No flaws detected. I forget anything I say immediately, David. Good, good. Yeah.

It is David, isn't it? You got it, right? I'm David, your highway. Yeah. I'm highway. You should be highway. You should wear sunglasses in like a leather vest and just have like tassels. Yeah, okay.

Oh, shit. Highway's here. I'm highway. Oh, hey man, I have your money tomorrow, I promise. Oh, I don't want it tomorrow. Okay. I want it tonight. I said tomorrow for a reason.

Tell you what? What? I'm going to send the concierge out to the parking lot and let him handle it. All right, I'm going to go get your money right now. I thought so. A little faster. Stop making that Master Bortori sound. Do you want me to sell these squirrels or not?

That was one. One of my words, masturbatory. An act of oninism. No, thanks. I'm busy. Have you ever dropped that word, masturbatory? I say oninism,

which is how they describe the sin in the Bible, the lonely sin of oninism, because King Onan jerked off. So I'm even more pretentious than masturbatory. My act has been described as it, though. I can one up you and say, thou spillest, thou seetiest. Yeah, dump that bag, daddy.

Yeah. But you've never used masturbatory. I have for sure. Yeah. It was not your word if that's what you're trying to say. I didn't mean the word. Give me those. Give me those.

Oh, here we go. Hey. Hey. It's good to see another tough guy down here. Sure is. I've been looking and waiting for a little while. Where have you been, guy? I've been waiting for you.

It's like looking into a mirror right now. I've been out on the wheat thrash or harvest in the fields. Oh, I've been out there. I've been out there. I've been covered in shab. I've been covered in flax. Where's your sight? It's right there with the Grim Reaper.

Oh, you mean my best friend? That's right. Hold on. Oh, you're Harland Williams. Yeah, how you doing? I know. I thought you were this guy highway that was supposed to come down here

and buy all this copper wire. It's okay. Don't freak out. Did the voice, were you like intimidated when I did the voice? Dude, I felt like there's been a lot of movie like combos, like Sundance and the Sundance Kid or whatever,

What's the name of it? Squeaky and the Sundance Kid. Yeah, Squeaky From and the Sundance Weasel. Uh, Mojo and Silencer. I don't care about any of that shit, man. Me neither. All right. Why don't you get on your John Deer tractor,

drive on down to Cracker Barrel and run over some old people for me? I'm going to crush them up into ancient dust. I like me some dirty psoriasus cobbler. I prefer when it's baked with the crust on top, but the cobblers also. lovely addition to a picnic. You should meet my dad.

I have. Where? The graveyard. He's down there selling skulls. I said, I want a real one, Charlie. He's only got one. Yeah, well, guess what? Now I got it.

Suck my sister's saliva glands. Cool. I can't do the voice if I don't have the glasses on. I can't talk unless I have my own glasses. Yeah. So, yeah, I had to put mine on, too. Are you short-sighted or near-sighted? I'm 6'4.

Okay, okay, yeah. Politically, probably, you know. Politically, you seem correct to me. It's very kind of you. Yeah. Yeah. Like when people say what's Sam's political stance, I say he's always correct. He's ever been wrong.

He's politically correct, always. Thank you. Yeah, I've done a lot of work to make sure that I've been on the right side of that. Everything. Like, any time politics comes up, you're correct. I was only wrong once. Oh, God, remember that? Dukakis.

that was, I, hey, I apologize to everyone, but I thought he was going to change this place. Oh, dude, that do you call because I thought you meant the sex act in West Hollywood. Oh, shit, I'm staying right by that place. Are you? Yeah. Holy God. And guess what?

I did not get enough jam. Mm-hmm. Don't look at me. No, I was looking around. I got lost. That's all right. Sorry. Okay, so the book, and now I want to circle back to the epidural conversation.

That circle? Yeah, yeah. And then I want to circle back to you made a statement about an animal getting hit by a train. I did. I did. Do you remember what kind of animal it was? All I know is that it was not very funny when I said all aboard. And I apologize.

I think it might have been an assalot. Oh, that's right, an oscillat. Yes, I know. I've made a lot of different jokes about a lot of different predatory cats. So it's tough to keep up. I know. You know, there was a circus that went through North America back. I think it was in the 40s or 50s.

Okay. And they had on this circus train, I think it was one of the biggest elephants ever. His name was Jumbo. I remember Jumbo, yeah. And in a small town just outside of London or Ontario called St. Thomas, Jumbo somehow got off the train in the night. Yeah.

And he was struck by another train coming the other way. Oh, yeah, I've seen photos of the aftermath of that. You have? Yes. Yeah, and they erected a giant statue of Jumbo in this little podunk town. And it's like, how are the trains going to get around? Oh, did they do it on the tracks? That's what I thought when I saw the track.

No wonder my parents never came home. Oh, shit. That damn statue. They built it over the tracks. Yeah. But I thought that the train was still supposed to be able to go underneath Jumbo's giant legs. Oh. And then the trunk kind of like tickled the roof of the train.

Oh. Yeah. Okay. Well, maybe that's why my. parents did come home. My grandfather had a story about a train derailment when he was a hobo in the 30s and 40s in the middle of Missouri. And there was some like circus train derailed and a bunch of like bears and panthers. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across

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And him and his brothers were out there, like trapping beaver. Did you just wink at me? No, I have a tick. That's how I got Lyme disease. so he had this great story. Just for reference, as soon as you said the word beaver, your tick kicked in.

When I said, Beaver, I winked? I can't, it's, I don't even notice it anymore. You have Lyme disease? Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so you're not coming on to me or anything. No, no, no. Because twice you said beaver on your eye, your tick kicked in. Yeah,

it's a medical thing, so I don't know we're still talking about it. So the hobo, by the way, what's hobo, backwards. Boho.

Also a delicious steak, Japanese steakhouse down in the valley. In a great neighborhood. Yeah. Go ahead. So your uncle was hitting your grandfather.

My grandfather was whipping my dad with a belt. Okay. And just so happened that my dad was rescued because a panther broke through the window and ate my grandpa in half.

What kind of panther? Black Panther. Racist. Hey, I'm not racist. You're tick. What are you talking about? Wait a minute. Do you have a grandfather?

Yeah, I have a grandfather. Clock? Yeah. Tick. Talk. You're talking and ticking. I'm ticking and talking, yeah. And you have a grandfather.

I thought this is not how you treat people when they come to your house. I'm just putting the pieces together, my guy. I know the pieces fit because I was in tool. Wait, the band? Yeah. Not the drawer, stupid. Yeah. Oh, wow.

What? Oh, he likes it. Let's go back. No, no. To fingers, to epidermis. You got it. You got it. Look at the tips of your fingers.

Tell me what you see, my guy. What the hell? I see little worm faces. Oh, you do? Yeah, they're singing to me. Oh, no. You're saying, 10 of us and one of you. Whoa.

What are you going to do? This is terrible. Whoa. You're having like night terrors, but it's daytime. I'm awake, brother. Have you ever had a night? terror? Yeah, a lot when I was a kid.

What? Talk to me. I had this awful night terror where it was like a two-dimensional plane and I'm like on like so imagine I'm over here and I'm watching this horizon. You're in economy? Sometimes like it bumped up. Okay. I never pay for it.

Just oh, you know. Okay. Just points. So you're on a two-dimensional plane. Two-dimensional plane. You're in economy. And I'm watching a pirate ship arrive and shoot numbers at me that are like rainbow spinning kind of like the stars and.

Mario. Wow. And I was just on the shore and they're blasting just integers at me. And I would wake up in the bathtub and my mom would be standing there splashing cold water on me. She'd have to carry her giant seven-year-old to the tub and like plot me in the water and wake me up. And I'd be like, the numbers were bigger.

And she'd be like, what the fuck? Yeah. I had night terrors. It was terrible. And your night terrors involve numbers. Numbers, yeah. And integers. Uh-huh.

And I, look, look, I know what an integer is. We all do. I used it with confidence. I 100% know what it is. They don't. Carol Carole lips down in Barstow. Carol's listening? Yeah.

Carol, we're going to get you that surgery, sister. Phineas Fun Fingers from Finland is watching. I have the opposite of what Phineas has. I have menacing malevolent fingers. Charles Chuckwater Teeth from Dallas. You worked with that guy? Well, they watch. They watched the show.

So if you could tell the- From jail, Chuck Water. I know what you're up. If you could tell them what that word means, because I know, but they don't. I think it just means any number that's real. You think? Yeah, yeah. You mean, you don't know?

I mean, we've all used some words on here. Fingers crossed, you know? But wait, you just threw a giant word at me from a night terror story, and now I'm sensing you don't know what it means. And them... Well, guess what? I'm having flashbacks to the night terror now. What do you mean? It's like you're firing integers at me.

Intigers. Yeah, and I don't know what they are. You don't. I'm scared. Inager's a number. Say it to them, not me. Inager is a number. I know what it is.

I knew what it was. You hear that Chuck Water? You hear that caramel lips? It's a number, stupid. I put down the taffy and pick up your goddamn shovel. Wow. I'm so over this. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Not you. You're cool. Yeah, them. But the whole caramel lip can be me. Yeah. You know, it's like, oh, you're so sticky and you still want to ask me what an integer. is, yeah,

brush your teeth. Oh, I'm nuts? No. Okay. I've just waited, I think I've waited my whole life to hear that string of sentences.

Hey, man. Can I redo it for you? Sure. You don't know what an integer is. Brush your teeth. Yeah, that's why stand behind it. Yeah.

Like, dude, I think I've waited my whole life to hear that. Hey, man. I'm still. Can I just put that up on a Chiron right now? Yeah, please. Can we both shut our gobbholes and just...

Is Chiron Irving here? No, it's, it's when you put the, thing across. It's like the, you write it on the, on the camera. Is that why that one doesn't work? Yeah. Because you keep writing on the lens? Oh yeah. So if we could just for, if we could have a 30 second shut your dirty pie hole festival and we'll put the, hold on, hold on. Not going to eat the key this time. Yeah. Because it barely worked last time. And then three, two, one. And we're back. Hey guys. Wow. How was that? For them, I think it was one. For them, I think it was one.

It was even better for me because I just looked at you. I wish, I would love it because that was such a wonderful sentence that I've been waiting for my whole life. If you went back into your book, added that sentence somewhere and then did a republish. I can do it right now. Oh, you're going to write it in? Yeah. But put it in where it has meaning. Don't just pick a page.

Like I want it to, it's got to be organic and meld in with the story. I understand. I don't want to pull you out of it. Yeah. Don't like, don't mess with me, guy. Like, I want to be reading almost as if I don't know that someone wrote it in with a cheap ballpoint pen. Okay. So the exact sentence was, your lips are all sticky?

No, no. You said something about the integer. Now go brush your teeth. Oh. Oh, you don't remember now. How cool. But if your handwriting was exactly like a typewriter. So actually, this font that they picked is based on my handwriting.

Yeah, like I can't even tell the difference, really. Yeah. So there you go. Now you're going to... Oh, marvelous. When this thing gets sold that your estate sale, people are going to open that,

and they're going to be like, whoa, he was nuts. There was one extra sentence. He was adding his own sentences to books. And it's about an integer and brushing your teeth. This is a real collector's item. This guy's gone nuts. Wow.

There you go, man. So what I was getting to was if you look at the end of your fingers, we have these things called fingerprints. Fingerprints. Did you see them? Purple rain. That's how he played it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. That's all that makes sense. Fingerprints. Yeah. He used his fingers. Sorry to derail your thing. No.

Okay. You just helped me put it all together. Okay, yeah. He learned to play the guitar with his fingerprints. And I had a couple of ladies in high school call me the fingerprints, because I really knew what I was doing. You did? Oh, yeah.

Describe a hot, steamy Missouri summer night. Okay. There we are. We're in a Ferris wheel. Yeah. Right, me and you. No, we're overlooking. Yeah, yeah.

I thought you said you're with the ladies. Okay, I guess I'm there now. Yeah, are you trying to get involved or what? Well, this is the guy that writes a book with two guys kissing and suddenly I'm on a Ferris wheel with your sticky fingers. I'm just waiting for the integer to show up. He's going to show up. And guess what?

It's going to be third base. Can I say something that Mo Howard once said? Yes, you may. Thank you for asking before you did. No, yeah. Because we have to clear that now with the estate. Yeah. But yeah, so we're up there, right?

And then we're both in that thing. We're in the bucket. And there's like on the next bucket. Oh, there's a couple of babes up there, dude. Oh, we should see if those babes want to come over to ours. And then I pull out my grappling hook, shoot it up there, hook. Hook their cabin. Next thing you and me are fucking, we get up there.

We get in their bucket. We say, who wants to get fingered? We have the sunglasses on, obviously. How did I get sucked into your story? Because I wanted to put you there. I didn't want to remove you from it. Okay. Yeah.

I thought it was a real story, though. No, no, no. So I'm just sort of pages from your next book almost. You're using me. Whatever. I feel like you're using me. Oh, I use everybody. But now I feel like I'm page 192 in your next cheap novel without even asking me.

You think you're going to be in the first 200? You think you're going to be in the first 200, I'm building a world and I want people to keep reading? No, you go on at the end, you drive the cab, who drops them off, that's what you do.

Just the cadence and the parameter and the sense of timing, it felt like more of the 140-page area of your next novel. You're like 280 on. You're after they're already in. Really?

Yeah, because if you were too, in early and you're like, hey, I'm a baby in my butt smooth. They're like, what? No. But I feel like if I'm sitting, there reading your next novel, The Golden Tangerine.

And the Ferris wheel scene comes in before page 145. Well, it's going to be in like the death sequence when he's like, you're not sure if he's alive or dead, and everything's kind of swirling and spiraling and into this kind of like kaleidoscopic hellscape. Dude, that's second act material. I'm easily around 145, between 145 and 180.

You're coming in after the intermission. I don't want to tell a writer how to write, but ye. Maybe one more. When you put it like that, I see what you're saying. Trying to be helpful. Hey, look,

I love the three stooges. Okay. For some of the best writers this Crunchy's ever produced. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, look, Paul Oster, who cares? Right. All right, Joan Didian,

maybe Canadian, I don't know. Not interested. Yeah, but, man, when Shemp came in and put paper to pen, because he would hold up the paper and then it's pretty good. I know you were a fan of my old buddy Norm MacDonald. Obsessed. You are?

Yeah, I wrote another book called Running the Light and he's in it as like the, he's the best. Oh yeah, oh yeah, support for today's episode comes from Square. Have you ever been into a place, an establishment, a restaurant, and you go to pay and it's like zip, zap, zoom, zing, zang, zoom, bing, bang, bong, and you're out the door. it's probably because they have square, fast, easy, quicker, let you save increments of your life so that at the end of your life you're going to have seven extra weeks. Maybe. I don't know. But right now, listeners can get up to $200 off Square hardware when you sign up at square.com slash go slash Harland. That's S-Q-U-A-R-E dot com slash go slash Harland. Visit Square to get started because the right tools make all the difference.

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slash go-slash-Harland. Run your business smarter with Square and get started today. But I've also obsessed with your friend and I've listened to everything he's ever said because I've been on YouTube. Really? I mean, there's just a wealth of norm stuff out there

and like many people, I have fallen asleep to it for years and years. Yeah, I think he's, I honestly, dude, feel grateful to have existed in the same time as Norm MacDonald. Like, I feel like being on Earth at the same time as him is, like, pretty sweet. Interesting. Tell me what the fascination is and the allure with Norm. He just, no one's ever had that, like, there's a devil in his eye while he's, like, he's

gritting at you and he's, you're right there and you're loving it. But he is in control the whole time. He is the smartest person in any room he's in. and it's truly amazing to watch him operate with like my favorite shit is when he does like morning radio in Arizona and they have those tapes online and it's like 6 a.m and he's with like boomer in the nudge you know and they're trying to sell out the tempi improv like that stuff's amazing when he allows people who maybe aren't as intellectually like smart as him when he allows them in and like makes them laugh and he's laughing at them like that's my favorite thing because he wasn't he could have so easily been too smart, too self-satisfied, wanted people to know how smart he was, but he refused that, and it delights me. Interesting. Yeah.

He's a lot like someone else in the room. Father? He's there. He's in the bald man. Speaking of smart. Yeah. I want to pull a couple of things. I meant you, by the way.

I wasn't comparing myself to Norm. I meant you. No, it's you. It's you. I meant you. No, no, it's you. No, it's you. No, it's you. You.

Uh-uh. you we us there not them not them us

not them quit sending things to my home talk to me about the science of a cling free sheet so you know static electricity I do but I don't understand how this works I feel like a guy

who wrote Brute will somehow know the science behind a lousy cling-free sheet. Many of us don't understand. Lousy? Sorry, that's what I mean. Please elaborate. For generations and generations, man was defined by one issue. What?

My shit's all clinging. Okay. I got rinks. I look all befuddled and gross, you know. But then these bad boys come along, and a lot of people pick them up and they think, oh, I can't wait to wipe with this. It's the best toilet paper I've ever had. I hope I can take my makeup off with it.

And they made some mistakes. But then one guy went to bed, fell asleep with this in his pocket. He happened to fall inside of an industrial dryer. Yeah, he was reduced down to goo. But all of his clothes that were left over, like they were pressed. That's where that comes in. There's only one flaw in your logic. Oh, my God.

You sound like the FDA. What? these aren't to prevent wrinkles to prevent close sticking together with static electricity you just explained something for the whole wrong reason oh shit

I'm sorry I did the wrong research then I apologize boy what a letdown I was up late dude I am very disappointed right now can we try again yeah okay so you know how

a lot of human relationships between men and women are like defined by one person in that relationship, like really, really wanting to be with the person that they're with. Okay, and the other one doesn't? Right, well, just like less. You know, there's like a codependency on one side. I understand that.

Some have been described as clingy. Okay. You want to get rid of that person, all right, in your life? Yeah. You show them this little magic trick right here. All right. So, hey, hey, girlfriend, who wants to know where I am every 10 minutes. Yeah.

just wants to be on the phone with you while I drive Uber for eight hours. Right. All right. Guess what? Be gone. Poof. I'm out of here. What in the name of Morgan Freeman's soiled Kmart corduroy pants just happened?

What happened? It's called magic. Cling free. An outer space. Cling on. God, there we go. Man. In.

No, no. Star Trek. Yeah. Sure. All right. I get it. Yeah. We almost made it an hour

without you bringing up a rocket. I know. God. Isn't it such a great movie? Dude, honestly? Isn't it the number one? I'm 39.

So yes, I saw it in theaters. It's the best. It was great. It's the best movie ever. The guy who drove me up here, my buddy Jake was like, are you think he'll talk about Rocket Man? Are you serial? Yes, dude.

I mean, I can if you want me to. I mean, I would, you explore a lot of Rocket Man lore? I really don't that often, but if you wanted to ask me something about it, I'm happy to oblige. Okay. How much of like the editing process were you involved in? So the editing of the movie, the only process I had is I went there to do some ADR and I got to watch some of the editing.

Okay. But I was involved in rewriting the script. I got the, the Disney gave me the good grace to let me actually take the script and rewrite it twice. Wow. So I went through every single scene, every word. Yeah. And I read it and I went, okay, here's the sentence, here's the word. Now what can I add to it to make it funny?

So you try to punch it up like line by line. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just like simple things like even things where, you know, there was a scene where I had to go on a rotating gyroscope. And the commander says to me, goes, hey, have fun. and I went, how do I make that funny? And I went, well, fun is my Chinese neighbor's middle name. And I just, I look for every little opening to make it funny.

To stuff a gag in. To stuff a gag in. So that's where I ask about the editing process, because there's a lot of jokes left in there that seem like they, like, you kind of, there's a lot of jokes in that movie that are not for children specifically, or the demographic, I think they hope to see it. And it seems like someone with a very good comedic eye was in there and was like, no, we have to use this.

And that's why I always wanted to know if you were like in there. I was not in there. Maintaining the shit that shouldn't have been in there for kids because it was funny. No. And to be honest, they took out a lot of stuff that I wish had stayed in there. But I don't regret it. They did a great job. But you can only, you can't have a three-hour movie.

So you can't put everything in. But there are scenes that I wrote, that I acted out that I wish were still in there. but I don't miss them, but, you know, when you shoot something and it exists in the world and no one ever gets to see it, but that happens with every movie ever made pretty much. What about Down Periscope? What about it? Pretty good. You liked it? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Mm-hmm. What's the question for that one? Just a cool movie. No one really talks about it. Never going to talk to anyone about Down Periscope. Thank you. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh-huh. We shot that on the Fox lot here in Los Angeles. They recreated the inside. of the submarine. Was it tough to shoot in a sandwich? It was because, you know, you never knew when the mayo or the onions or the, you know, there's just so much condiments all around.

God forbid the olive and, like the olive oil and vinegar shows up to really? Yeah. Yeah. It just, and it's stunk in there. Oh, I can't imagine. You know, 12, 15 people stuck in a submarine sandwich. Doesn't matter what kind of bread that is. It doesn't matter.

You can't get the stink off. It's like working on a manure spreader. Oh, yeah. It's like being a T-shirt cannon. Oh, yeah. I wonder if you have to go to school to learn how to shoot those. I think you need to get certified,

but there's ranges for it. And I think they go to the same school as the people who drive the ramps. You know the ramps that go up to the airplane? I'm always so jealous of those things. Oh, man. What a ride did that ramp driver go to? God, University of Phoenix, be nice.

Pull the muscle on that one. I'm not playing. I promised. Well, I want to... I've been to Cracker Barrel and I've been removed from enough to know that I'm not getting lost in this. But this is the thing,

you go to Cracker Barrel, you show up for a meatloaf or some blackened catfish or some country fried chicken and biscuits. Pudding Tuesdays. You just want a pudding or an apple cobbler and you look down on the table and what do you see?

An IQ tester they call it. The devil's riddle. Right? Yeah, I hate that thing. I came here for Cobbler not to be, have my intelligence question. Yeah, this is my first date with my

Mennonite neighbor. I don't want to look like an idiot thing. Right. Yeah. And not only that, but the way you test your intelligence is by jumping white golf teas over other golf tees and eliminating them. Wait, that's what you do? And you're supposed to get down

to one, and if you get to one, apparently you're a genius at the end. And I'm thinking, is this where we want to find our next Elon Musk at Cracker Barrel? Is this where our next Steve Jobs is sitting in the corner eating kernels of corn? I didn't even know they came out of the holes. Oh boy. Yeah. This is so. Dummy. Oh. I guess. I guess if you want to Pretty dumb for writing a book. I can't be more clear. I had nothing to do with the production of this besides downloading chat GPT.

Okay. Yeah. Starting to believe it. Oh, starting to believe them. Wow. Wow. That's called a turnaround double flapjack guy. I guess what? I got so much syrup. You're going to be drowning in it. You double slapped the dumb voice back at me.

I jimbowed your jambos. And reverberated. It's like almost when they did the glass in the Jurassic Park with the vibrations, with the T-Rex. And you're Newman. I own. I own Newman. Paul. Newman's own.

I got it. Do you know he gave all that money to charity? Was that the stripper's name? Yeah. Lucky girl. I know. God. I would have liked to have been an amarillo that Wednesday.

We've been sitting around sucking that guy. Wait, they go back in? Yeah. What? Well, here's the thing. If you have kids, every kid at the table's got to do it. Oh, I have so many kids. Yeah.

My waitress came up to me. She goes, are you here for our summer meatloaf spectacular? And I said, no, I'm here to find out if my children are fucked hard. Wait, at the end, you're going to have a laugh? I've been laughing, but that one popped my ass. You like that one, huh? Bro, I feel like I'm in here with my lightsaber, and we're just battling. Like, you're the best at this, and so many people have been like, you need to go on Harlan's show.

Like, you and Harlan will be... Thank you. People have been building this up for a long time. Well, yeah, to me, because, like, you're the best, and I also enjoy this kind of comedy, so there's been an enormous amount of pressure on me to hold my own. Do you know this is only the second time we've ever met? Yeah. We met at Skank Fest about a year ago.

I know. In the back room, it was me and you. Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe. And who's the big puffy Irish guy? Big J. O'Cerson? No, the big Irish. Yeah.

No, the guy, Shane Gillis. Oh, Shane, yeah, yeah, yeah. Shane was there, and I asked him, and I asked you to come on my podcast. Yes. And you said yes. and he said yes, and you're here, and he's yet to come. He's very busy. And that was the first time I ever met you.

I know, dude. And for you to say yes to my podcast on our first meeting, I can't tell you how honored I was. Thank you. I didn't go. You mean it, Mr. Canada? Dude. Oh, come on.

I mean, you've been just, I mean, dude, there's that story. You were at Comedy Works one time. In Denver? Denver. It's my home club. Yeah, what happened? I was watching you and there was this guy in the front row. Uh-oh.

And he was not enjoying the show. Ooh. And he was wearing like a yellow t-shirt. And you came out and the first thing he said was, What's a Matter Yellow fella. Okay. And it was like literally one of the, I tell it. My buddy Jake, I've told this story a million times when people say, what's some of your

favorite comedy? I say one time Harlan Williams came out and a guy was sad. And he said, What's a Matter Yellow fella? And I was in the back like, it was like night and day, dude. It was? Oh, for me. Yellow fellow. Yeah.

Why was that funny? I don't know, dude. It just hit you the right way. Yes. The first thing you say is there's a man pouting on, like in the front row and he does arms crossed. He's wearing a yellow shirt and you went, what's the matter, yellow fellow? And I was in the back like, well, this is the best guy to ever do it.

I remember I was there last time at Comedy Works and they have a big sign on the back of the stage. It says comedy works. That's right. So I walked out and I looked at it and I said, comedy works. I said, well, I hope so. I gotta be up here for the next hour. Oh, man.

I like being on stage and someone says, oh, like they laugh really hard. And then the same person later on will ask a question, you know? Like you ever have someone who laughs really hard? And then later on they're like, wait, wait, wait, what about Detroit? And you're like, what you've been, you don't get it now? Yeah. Like you were dying 12 minutes ago. And now you need like a refresher on what's going on here.

Yeah. Oh, that's almost tragic. Well, it's just, there's a lot of stuff going on, a lot of lives. Speaking of lives, there's a chapter of your life that I really want to delve into. Uh-oh, okay. And I don't know if it's true or not, because I've never asked you personally, so I'm going to ask you live. You know, we're live on the air right now. I know, I see all the numbers going up.

This is like, now down, honestly. I'm recording, but I got rid of one camera because two for you, three for the others. I get it. I'm new. there was some chit-chat on the interweb that you lived in some kind of a chaos camp or something or an anarchy. Anarchist caught me in. I don't even know what that is.

Like I know what anarchy is. Yeah, yeah. But explain that to me if you don't mind. Honestly, man, I was a young, I was like 19, 20, 21. My friend went to, my best friend went to school in Ithaca, New York. Ithaca, the Finger Lakes. Oh, yeah. Finger looking good.

The middle finger lake is my favorite, although it's hard to walk after you canoe down it. So that was good, by the way. I'm not stepping over it. I'm just answering your question. Okay. So an anarchy camp. Well, yeah, so we could live there for very cheap, and they had an old abattoir, a slaughterhouse in the backyard where we could practice. Like, I went up there because we were in a band together, and then he went to school up there, and I was pretty disillusioned with Denver in, like, my college.

So I went up there, and we lived in this. anarchist commune with a bunch of great people, and we could just practice all hours of the day. Now, there were certain elements of people signing their rent checks in blood and like that kind of stuff, but for the most part, it was just like a bunch of groovy people, and the guy who ran it was like a very ardent, anti-capitalist, anti-state, like anarchist. Great guy, Bob Wolf Young, too. What were you hoping to gain from being in the environment of anarchists? $30 rent, I think, was the big thing. It was, literally in the woods and we could practice there.

And we met these people at punk rock shows because, like, our band was called Red versus Black, which was an homage to the anarchist flag. Like, we were very, like, Bakunin, Emma Goldman, like very sincere young men about anarchy and, like, you know, no systems of coercion. Yeah.

Not believing in voting. And, like, democracy, like, creates, you know, a subjected minority type shit. And, yeah, so we were just, like, living with cool people. Did any of that mindset carve a... pathway towards violence? No. Acting out towards society in a violent way?

We weren't like a direct action squad. We, I marched in Syracuse one time and like smashed a window. For what? What was the march for? I don't remember. It was some kind of like black block, like show of strength up there. Oh, wow. Yeah.

It was around like, remember when like G9 was like a big thing? G9. Yeah. It's like Delta 8, but like politics. I don't know what G9 is. It was a global. summit of like all the global summit yeah so they would i think i remember that and there was a lot of lashing out because they felt it was elitist and it all obviously it represents money and economies right

so it was that kind of thing like we were just you know shaking our fists and all these like big things did you feel organically pulled into it or did you looking back on it now do you just feel like you were sort of uh acting up acting out against the the system or did someone sort of pull you, lure you into it? No, no, I don't, I don't, I think that I was there sincerely. And I definitely learned a lot of really cool stuff. Yeah. A lot of people that had a lot of different ideas.

Yeah. And I'm grateful for that time that I spent there, living with those people. Yeah. Anarchy, though, define anarchy. Isn't that's the, isn't it the total disruption of normal, of, of the parameters of a constructive society? Well, yeah, you're talking about like, the noun, the state of anarchy, the verb of creating anarchy.

And what are you referencing it as? It's a, it's a, it's a, it pretty much is the, for lack of a better term, a political system wherein there is decentralized leadership and there's no leadership and it's like-minded people just creating a world wherein there's no systems of coercion and there's no systems of exploitation and it's utopian for sure and it's an ideal but when I was 1920 and like writing songs about Howard Zinn like it was incredibly I was incredibly sincere and I still adhere to these beliefs like I still really don't believe that you know a government is ever cares about its citizens and really they wouldn't let us vote if it worked like that kind of shit like yeah there's no

change through the methods that they allow us to try and change like we're within the machine. Whoa. I know this isn't funny, but like, no, this is where I wanted to, I wanted to see the penny drop

when I threw it into the fountain. Well, hey, call me trivilly, because, yeah. Yeah. I like it. Yeah.

So yeah, I do, I do think that, uh, there isn't really a good system of control over masses of people. Yeah. And that I think democracy

or Republican government is maybe, and I always say Republican. I mean the Republic. I don't mean one of the two parties. Yeah, right. I do think that, like, it's the best that we have. But at the same time, when you live in a place where only 30% of the population votes, it's like, well, what's the point of, like, not allowing our best and brightest to just kind of

create better worlds? And I say that as someone who, like, hates being led or following the rules. Yeah. But I do wish that there was, like, more of an adherence to logic and science and that, like, we valued those things like we used to back in the day, as opposed to just who's loudest. Do you ever think that this, you know, what you presented there is disjointed, not because you said it is, because as you said, only 30% of the population gets together to try and create change. Yeah. Do you envision one day a place where we rise above and beyond sort of the chaos of the system that not everyone exploits now?

and one day the world, society, people are in a place where it's different and collectively we are all together and moving in a direction that services all of us? Or do you think humans and society will always be sort of chaotic and disrupted? Well, it's not humans in society. It's the cage that they built around us. Right. So, like, no, I don't think that we're ever going to have any kind of progress from the position that we're in, but I do think that we'll get more comfortable and comfortable as the hand tightens around us. But you don't think that the human machine and all the mind, you don't think that one day the parameters get pushed down and broken and we evolve into this new thing where... No, because there's like now people who are trillionaires. So like when

back in the day when like, you know, the Carnegie's and the DuPonts had all this big money. Yeah. And like, you know, like, I don't know. We've gotten so far removed from a place where like unions were valuable and like community. Like we don't have any neighbors anymore. more. You know, like no one's on a fucking bowling team. Like everyone's so disconnected that, no, I don't think that any kind of like dignity will be returned to the people. See, I sort of think that it'll all fall down and collapse.

And I recognize some of these things you're saying. And they give me sorrow. Yeah, yeah, for sure. But there's an optimistic side of me that thinks this is just, you know, you ever see like a truck roll through a field and it just knocks everything down and churns it up? I feel like maybe we're being churned up and knocked down, but eventually, eventually the truck loses steam and runs out of gas. And we all rise up and become this sort of one thing.

And I'm not saying any time, like in the near future, like 10 years from now, but I wonder if we're still around in 2,000 years. If we've gone past all this sort of stuff where we're learning and we become maybe this one thing, it is possible. I think that resources are ultimately what have divided us from this thing that you're trying to describe and aspire to. Because like human beings only survived as a species because we work together. We don't have claws or talons. Inherently we had to team up to run the mammoth off of the cliff. We had to team up and create spears to defend ourselves against Sabretooth cybers. We had to say like, hey, tiger over there, climb the tree. We are only here because we work together.

Yeah. So, like, I very much believe that, like, humans do want to create joint prosperity. And, like, that is a thing that we all aspire to. But I do also think that now when we live in this world of resources, who has money, who has time, the commodities that we all define our lives by, like, no, I don't really think that we're going to climb out of that. I think I'm going to challenge you and say one day, we can only see what we see. now and all the things you say and speak of our true and accurate and maybe look hopeless. But I think one day we might shoot through some kind of bottleneck and come out to a world maybe we don't even know or conceptualize yet. I think that the way that you do that is you create that within your own communities. Because trying to create this like global system of peace and prosperity is ultimately almost impossible and difficult.

Oh yeah. But if you want to like go knock on your neighbor's door and say, Hey, my name is Sam. I grew a bunch of tomatoes. Would you like some of my tomatoes? And then your neighbor will be like, hey, we got a bunch of extra sod. Do you need any sod? Like, you need to create these systems where you know your neighbors,

you know the people who live around you, and you're there for them. And then you don't have to worry about changing the world. That is a method that I agree that's very organic and a little more little house on the prairie. Yeah, yeah. And that's communalism. That's communalism. And it's beautiful. and we've lost a lot of it.

The Menonites and the Quakers. Quakers still have it, and it works, it functions. But I guess what I'm saying is I feel like there's something that's going to almost like that shirt can and propel us into a whole different way of being, of living, of thriving, and will be beyond all that stuff. I don't know. It's so far out there that I can't even find the words to say what it is. but I feel like I'll encapsulate it,

but I think one day we're going to arrive at a place where all that bad stuff maybe will be gone if we don't annihilate ourselves first. I just fear that, first of all, it'll probably have to come after some kind of annihilation. Maybe. I think that the people who have all this power and all this control over us

and ultimately create the society we live in are going to be so reluctant to lose any of that power that in order to remove them from that power, it will be incredibly bloody. And also, when your own government has drones, it's like it doesn't matter if Americans are the most armed citizenry in the world. Yeah.

Like, you're still up against people in rooms inside of mountains pressing buttons to set robots to kill you. So it's like, will this... Because that's the thing about leftists and like far right people. Like, if they turn around and look at each other, like, they're back to back.

But if you turn around and you're like, I just want to do whatever I want to do on my land and it's like me too, but I also want you to use my pronouns. Cool. Let's fucking team up. We both look. love guns, you know?

Like we both love community. We both hate the government telling us what the fuck to do. So it's like quit being back to back horseshoe, turn around and march into the future. I have a lot of hope, but I'm trying to create what you're talking about within my own family, within my own friends, like make sure that everyone eats, like make sure everyone's taken care of. I wonder if it, and it's a great approach. I just wonder. I think the time that I envision even supersedes government and community. Which sounds weird. It's this weird thing that I can't even put my head around yet.

How about this? When you were a boy, if they would have told you that one day they're going, the government will confirm and disclose that aliens exist. Right. You would have said that'll be the biggest day in the history of man. How will we ever recover? Like, this is the hugest news ever. They just killed God.

The government came out until his aliens exist. Yeah. No one gave a shit. Yeah. So, like, if all these things that we think, there's nothing that unifies us anymore, Nothing keeps us together. So, like, what is going to be the spark that creates this mass fire?

That's what I don't know. That's what I don't know. But I think we're going to be dispersed, like an ant nest that's been kicked open. Blown wide open. And then something, something, who knows if it's a spiritual force or a, I don't want to say government, but I think it'll just be some kind of human or AI or machine. Something will push us back. I don't know.

I hope that you're right and I don't think you're wrong, but I just have a hard time envisioning how that happens within the next 200 years. We can't. Because like think of the third world. Like the population of people who exist on less than a dollar a day, like, what do we do then? Like if there is some kind of like mass reset where like all of the things that are valuable, like all the things that are like morally good,

if those things become valuable, then what do we do with this giant pocket? population that we then have to take care of. Like, who's going to pay for that? If we get rid of these oligarchs and the people who own the world, like, then, okay, but how are we going to get water to India? You know, like, there's just a lot of infrastructure that's supporting the almost 10 billion people or whatever that live on the planet.

So without some kind of, like, mass extinction event, it would be like really, really hard to be able to help everyone if you don't have the tech overlords who currently own the world. God. Not that I want them to bail this out, but like money and capital is the way that you ultimately build wells. Yeah. I know. It's a real damned if you do.

Well, you said wells, not dams. Sorry, Wells if you do. But I want to feel that way, and I used to feel that way. And I talk to a lot of young kids because I sell my own merch and I like, I'm at the merch table every weekend. Yeah. And a lot of them are fucking fired up. And a lot of them are still, you know, righteous in their anger. And they're carrying the torch that I had when I was a young man.

living in communes and playing punk rock music. So I have not given up on the youth of America or of the world because I'm out there shaking their hands and seeing the fucking hate in their eyes. And I'm like, yes, stay angry. Yeah, stay pissed. Oh, wow. They were born into a dead world, man. It's like they're not going to have water in 30 years.

Yes, be angry. That's the only way out of this, I think, is anger. Yeah. Wild. And I say that as a guy who tries not to ever be angry. But I was angry a lot when I was a kid. And it was good. That's when you were angry.

Yeah, you're pissed. I like it. Oh, I thought the camera froze. No. I'm just absorbing everything you're saying. I'm fired up, man. I love it. That's why I asked you about it.

Well, I'm glad you did. And I never really talked about this because it's embarrassing to like talk about your political ideals. But yeah, that's how we feel. It's not so much a political ideal with, with, like, that's not how I perceive everything you said. It's community. It was more, it was more about a perception of, of society and the, the world. It didn't feel political to me. It felt more about you were taking in all peoples and how people move and operate. That's what it feels like to me. We don't operate out of compassion and

sharing. You need to share what you have. The only time you ever look at someone else's plate is to make sure there's enough food on it. But all we do now is compare and contrast. And all the things that are held up as valuable are the most empty shit that there is. You know, like all the things that like lot of young people aspire to, whether it's online clout, whether it's easy money from gambling apps, like all the food they're being poisoned, all the food they're feds poisoned. And like, what is the great hope and aspiration of that generation when likely there's going to be a giant climate catastrophe during their lifetime? So it's like, why write a song when the world's gone deaf? You know what I mean? What makes you power through it all? Oh, just love for being alive. I'm so

grateful. I love fucking life. Every day is a joy. What a great answer. I always wake up stoked. I'm so happy to be alive. I don't take any of it for granted. And also, like, if you admit that, whatever, however you want to put it, like,

God is dead, like the myth of Sisyphus, whatever existential or nihilism you want to apply, in nihilism, it's not nothing has meaning. It's nothing has meaning, and then you get to a sign meaning. If everything's absurd and everything's bullshit, which is existentialism, pretty Yeah. Like what's the point of existence?

If there's no point, then create your own and assign your own value. And I think that there is no point besides like being a good friend, being a good family member, being funny. Like everything that we get to do is like, I'm not saying that being funny is service, but I don't hurt anyone when I'm up there. And I try to make sure that everyone leaves having a really good time and they get their money's worth. So it's not like I'm some angel because like they pay me well and I get off on it.

but like ultimately, I like making people laugh, and that doesn't hurt anyone, you know? So it's like, I think that what I'm doing with my time is valuable and I'm like writing books and I get to meet great people and like you get to meet your heroes in this fucking game, dude, you know? Isn't it funny that we're the only living organism that actually has to have a point? Yeah, no, it's insane.

It's like we have all this philosophy and all this education and all these points of view that all lead to making points. But out of all the hundreds of millions of life forms on the planet, we're the only ones that somehow need to make a point. And if you wash away the points, then all we got to do is live and eat and die like everything else. Exactly like that. And you know what? That's not as rich and nutritious or romantic or beautiful.

But it may be easier. I mean, just admit that you're dirt and enjoy it while you're not dirt. You know, like we're going to be dead. And you're going to be gone so quick. So once you realize that, you can either be like, or you can be like, man, I'm going to plant those fucking grapes this year. And I planted two grape vines, and guess what? They're both a lot.

Did you? Yeah. Two grape vines? Two grape vines. What colors? Concord. Oh, man. I know.

You know, they don't fly that one anymore. No, I've wanted to get the Boeing variety, but, yeah. Those grapes, they're the only grapes that grow at the speed of sound. That's right. And they only grow over the English Channel. You're like, what was that noise in the middle of the night? Oh, the concords just ripened. Yeah, yeah. Words of hope as we close the door here today. You're the man. I'm so glad that you're getting your flowers. You've been so funny for so long.

And I'm just glad that it's like, you know, everyone knows now. It's awesome. Oh, not about me, about the world. I'm grateful for you, man. Oh, that's so kind. Well, I'm grateful for you. That's a very, very kind sense. What a weird fucking podcast this was. It was me and you, goofing and Gavin, and then there was like 15 minutes of like sincere idealism. Oh, well, that part, that part's not going in. Okay, good.

The last part. Good, good. Yeah. We really clogged things up. Yeah, we're going to go from when we were joking about Ferris wheels. Sure, yeah. And then we're going to go right to the final segment called Words from a Wooden Show. Awesome.

Where you reach in and pull out a random word and see if it triggers a story from your fabulous journey. I thought clogs things up. Yeah. But no, words from a wooden shoe. Words from a wooden sheet. Insect bite, dude. Do you want to see my ankle?

Yeah. I'm covered in insect bites. Let's see it. I was out there clearing. Put it up. Yeah, yeah. Put it up. I have bites on me.

Put a dirty, bumpy canckel up. Is it a canckel or an ankle? Yeah. Because you said you used to be heavy. Well, I think I actually have always had very good ankles. So you're not a canclure. Even when you were chubby. That's pretty good.

I was morbidly chubbed. To be a fatty and not have cancles? Here, which camera? Yeah, just put it up right here. You can see, viewer. Here, I'll help you lift it. Yeah, you can see. Wow.

Right here, I have some, God. I have some bites. You want to feel something weird? Wait, I read Braille. Can I? Yeah, yeah, please. Oh, my God. Hang on.

I went outside and the concierge took the keys. This is the last chapter of your book. free order it now available from random house september 22nd you bastard this isn't even yours this is like a mosquito's you idiot this is like bad some bad bugs wrote this bullshit you son of your you just got busted guy hey look at that you didn't even write that i told you your bug bite stole the braille you son of a we have some bites what how'd you get them just rummaging around in the yard I spend a lot of time outside in my yard weeding and like walking through things

and then I'll just come back in and I'll be like, oh good, a rash. You better watch out for ticks because that's how you get Lyme disease. I have a tick-free space. You do? I've very scared of ticks because I spend so much time in high grass. I love the high grass.

I love rummaging around out there. Oh, God. I'm dead serious too. I'm not doing anything. I love high grass and now there's this big tick fear. Yeah. It sucks. They'll take you down, guy.

And then you can't have meat and you have the most boring disease that no one wants to hear about. Lime? But you were a fat kid so maybe you could get key lime pie disease. Oh, I mean, I didn't know we were doing that kind of stuff on here. Wait, that didn't even make sense. It was good. Key lime pie disease?

Yeah. You have to get it from a fat tick. Yeah, that's what I meant to see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no bad ideas in the writer's room. Yeah. Buddy, before... Are you going to pull one out?

What? No, it's only for... for the guests. Yeah. I'm going to keep this. It's only for the guests. But before we go, yeah. We want you to plug your comedy tour, your, your, you're, we want to remind people to go and get brute. Is it on line too? It's available September 22nd at all major booksellers. Uh, pre-order it now if you want. And it's really good. I'm really proud of it. I think if you like reading, you'll like it. Even if you don't like reading, it's written for people who can also enjoy it that way. I'm proud of you for writing it. That's a real feat to, to, to, to, to, to

write a book is not an easy thing and it takes discipline and concentration. And then it's very easy. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. But Milwaukee coming up. Yeah. Rumors in Winnipeg.

Your comedy career. Samtallant.com. Cleveland. Samtallant.com. And you have social media you want them to. At Sam Talent. T-A-L-L-E-N-T on Instagram. Folks.

I thought you had a drop just for me. Yeah. Yeah. Folks, Sam Talent was here. Chubby behemoth is my podcast. What is it? Hold on. Chubby behemoth.

It's good podcast. Chubby behemoth. If you like goofing around like this, I think you'll like our podcast. That's like a double entendre. That's like jumbo shrimp. Bingo. You know what it is? What?

The son of Sam used to write letters to the New York newspapers and stuff. And he would describe himself all scary. He'd be like, I'm the king of hell. I'm the Lord of Evil. I'm the chubby behemoth. He thought it was a scary thing to call himself. The chubby behemoth. And me and my buddy Nathan,

always like, one of the first conversations we had his friends was like about that and how we both thought it was ridiculous. Imagine writing a scary letter that's like, hey, I'm the menace of the dark. I'm a fat pig. I'm a porcine hog, man. Just saying a son of Sam was a serial killer in New York in the 70s. And if you were making out in your car, you better look over your shoulder because he's going to be there popping a 22 caliber into your love-making face. It looks like me, kind of. Yeah. Folks, check out Sam Talent in all his various mediums. What a ride.

You've been on the Hala Highway podcast. That's all we have time for today. Until next time, chicken chow main, baby. And you want to try this as we go out? See how smart you really are. Yeah. No. I don't...

Yeah. That was the funny thing to do. Yeah. Got one. Hold it up. It kind of hurt, though. Well, you're six peg smart, but that's only five. You know a six peg?

He was my favorite pirate. Damn, RIP. That's got to be the best market up there. Winnipeg's a really good market. Winnipeg? Dude, that Rumors Club in Winnipeg? Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me,

yours truly. It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the cameo app on your phone or to cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one, your very own personalized Harland. Don't you wish you could just hit skip on the worst parts of your life? You know, the same way you can skip an ad? I get it.

I'm Siaiaa and I live in Ice Cove. I've made some questionable decisions that didn't end up the way I planned. And today, I'm still figuring it out. Somehow things usually get worse before they get better. Apparently, that's how I roll. So bundle up and come along for the bumpy ride. Stream a new episode of North of North Tuesdays on CBC Gem.