The Harland Highway - STEPH TOLEV talks lips and noses, the taste of skin, and reveals what it is women really want!

Episode Date: May 27, 2025

This episode is sponsored by Rocket Money and Kikoff- -Start building credit with Kikoff today, and you can get your first month for as little as one dollar. That’s 80% off the normal price when you go to getkikoff.com/harland today. -Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com slash HARLAND today. Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm not gonna take lip from a diarrhea-filled big nose. I mean, you know what? Jesus Christ. Well, you brought it all. My God. I just wanted a baconator answer, and I'm getting all this lip from diarrhea boy over here. Like, work with me, guy.

I'm trying. When you feel like you just need a laugh, go to Harlan Highway, my favorite podcast. You can listen or watch. You can shave your own crotch, cause here on hot, Here on Harlan Highway, we take it up a notch. Let's start the show. You know where to go.

Head to Harlan Highway or your mama is your ho. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. That nice? Hides the gut. I love hiding that gut. Oh, wait, you have a gut? You have a gut? You've a gut.

I know, but you said you were hiding. yours yes mine's lower mine's down i have like the low gut wait girls you have a like a like a beer belly is that what you're saying it's yes it's like a low it's like a lower gut yes on a girl what you talk do you have eyes every girl has one unless you're like not a not a bud wiser like thunder gut it's not like a up here hard like old man drinking gut oh you drink you pound the booze not like a sudbury gut if that's what you're thinking you're like a you're like a truck driver I forgot. I am. Really? No, it's like a lower. It's like most women have it.

It's like to protect the or. Stop looking at it. You can't even see it. I can't not see it now. You can't see it. It's down. It's like telling me to go to Jerusalem and not look at the cross where they hung the Lord. Like I got to look at the bond. Well, it's down. It's like above the puss. It's like under the belly button. It's not under the belly. So wait. What are you talking about right now?

Have we gone from muffin top to Christmas glazed ham? Yes. It's like a honey glazed ham right on it. underneath my belly button. Come off. And I'm trying to get rid of it. It's very hard as a woman in her early 40s, just turn 40 to get rid of that part. The fat just like adds up there.

Have you tried going to a butcher? Slice me like a piece of the strami. I don't know. Actually, I haven't actually do that. Probably work. Take me to the IGA. Yeah. Take me to the IGA.

How many more strips? I mean 10 pounds gone. 10 pounds of the fat sliced off. I'm going to try that. You know how some people, People eat their placenta, right? What is that about? Well, imagine if you go and actually you could shave off your glazed ham and then say that.

And then say that. And just have like, eat your own shaved ham. Bit of Dijon, a bit of horseradish Dijon. Yeah. That'd be nice. Well, I was looking at labiaplasty. What's that? Is that like Play-Doh?

Yeah, kids play with that. Yeah. I think I had some of that one. I used to press it on colored comic books and I could see it. It's, it's the. inner lips of a woman's vagina. Inner lips. Do you not know anything?

Have you ever seen a woman naked before? I'm so confused. I've seen the movie Alien where he opens his mouth and then the inner mouth comes out but not the lips. That's close to a labia, yes. Well, the labia is like the inner

and it could be like longer so I was looking at like getting it snipped off and I was thinking that would make good jerky. It's like the placenta. You could just like cut it off. It's seasoned. Wait, there's inner lips. Like Narnia.

Like there's inner worlds. Yes. This is like the dark. crystal in there and that little skepties is going to come out and go I don't understand how you don't you've been with a woman before yeah but not in her inner lips

like I've been to the lion the witch in the wardrobe house but I didn't actually go into the wardrobe well then you're a virgin I am if you haven't gone in the wardrobe how deep in are these other mysterious secret lips most of them were kind of hanging out mysterious lips I thought you said they're

inside no I mean like the two do I have to bring it out I mean like the You're going to bring out your ham. You might as well bring out the lips. Do you have a tongue while you're at it? I'm going to bring out a lot. Why don't we just do a show of a butcher shop?

You've got every meat in the world. Wait a minute. Where are these inner lips? They're like, okay, there's like the outer lips and like the inner stuff. Like, you know, women have like kind of like an outy down there. I can't believe. You've never looked at a vagina or a woman naked. Yeah, but I've never looked and then seen like a mini-mey inside.

It's not like Austin Powers and a little guy pop. out in a little suit. Well, you said there's the lips, and then inside there's mini lips. Yes. Well, it can be bigger than mini lips, though. They can be big lips. So what if they're so big they come out and cover the outer lips? Yes, a lot of them do this.

So then the inner lips become the outer lips. Yes, and it's just one big mess of lips down there. Sounds like a Rubik's pussy. What the hell's going on? This is what the Rolling Stones. That's what they're the whole logos off of. What? The lips.

Get lost. Now you're just toying this. I know, because I can't believe you didn't know any of it. It's a lot. Well, you know, we have an inner penis, don't you? And that's the head from the movie alien. No, right out of the hole. It comes out.

It was squibs out like that. Yeah. It's like one of those fish in the Amazon that swim up in your pee hole. Oh, yeah. Have you heard of those? Yeah, I have. They scare me. Have you ever had one?

No, I haven't peed in the Amazon. It looks like you have. Do I look like I've been pissing in the Amazon? You look like you have a fish up your weaner? I give off fish, big fish up my weaner vibes. Okay. That's good to know. Because you, I can't get, I guess I could get that if I, like, squat it with a leg up over the Amazon.

Well, it's when you're in the water. No, I thought it was when you're pissing off a boat and then it goes out of the water. It's when you're in the water because a lot of people urinate in the water. I urinate in the water. Right. You don't? Yeah, I do. Okay.

Yeah. I get right in my toilet to pee every day. I crawl right in. Yeah, yeah. Full dick and balls. Oh, yeah, just a tea bag, my own toilet. If you're not in, you're not peeing. Yeah.

But no, you have to be in the water. What's the name of that fish? I don't know. I'll get you the name. I know the name. But it swims up your uretha. It's a little tiny thing. Your uretha Franklin.

It's like your urethra. What's it called? Did you not go learn anything in health class in Canada? I don't know things that others know. Wait, what do you call it? Health class in Canada. We're both Canadian. No, you said urethra.

Yeah, you said uretha. Yeah. was you re-throw, there's an R in there. There is? Well, there's a fish in there, too, apparently. So there's all kind of stuff in there that you didn't know about. There's other letters probably too, mucking around that you didn't know where in there. But you know how this little fish works?

I thought it was a big fish. No, it's a little tiny cylindrical fish. Okay. A big, you're not getting a four-pound small-mouth bass swimming up your wiener. God, you'd blow up. That's what I was thinking. No. Like that, like the little anchovies.

Is that what that is? No, that's a sardine. Imagine a sardine going up your weight. No, it's a little... Oh, it's small. It's, or it's, it's, it's, it's shaped like a, like a phallus. You know a lot about this. Yeah, because I researched it.

So it goes right up your, your wreatha. It gets up inside your scrotum and it has barbed. It's two dorsal, or whatever those fins are on the side. It's got little, little barbs in it. So it goes in, sticks those out, so you can't pull it out. and then it eats the flesh and the scrotum. Why is it tastier in there? I don't know.

I haven't eaten in her scrotum meat. Well, let's go to the butcher. We've got a lot of slicing to do with us. Well, you're getting your ham done. I'll get my sausage done. Wow. Wow, we're going to start a new deli. Can we officially call this meat day?

This is like we're going to have to. I think we should. Meat day, 2025. That's it. Big sip. You always sip like that? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Irritating. Irritating, but delicious. You get more of a taste like that? Yeah, you get the, it foams up in your mouth. Okay, you can really taste it all. Sort of like a fish floming up in your mouth. Flombing up.

I always think of that, because I read something once, that anytime you pee in any water, lakes, oceans, and I pee in my parents' cottage lake all the time, apparently every time you pee, a little bit of the water goes back in there. So if you ever, like, if you ever put goggles on and looked underwater and seen little things squibbing around, back in. Well, especially for a girl, because a boy, we've got like a little tiny. The odds for us are really low. So do what?

How big do you think our Euretha Franklin's are? They're like this. I mean, a human comes out of them. Not the pee hole. Yeah, but it's all in the same spot. The goblin comes out of the cave. A little bald goblin comes out of the cave. What do you mean?

What do you mean? You think the pee hole where a little bit of urine trickles out is the same place? where a body comes out of. Well, it's just one big tube. No. Come on. I'm actually going to have my vagina out in two seconds. I'm going to put it out.

Barely, barely. Barely. It's a mess down there. That's a problem. You better get some forceps or you're not getting in there. I want to get some biceps. I think it's going to be a lot of work. Get your chainsaw.

God. I'm about to enter the white lotus. God. Wait a minute. So the baby doesn't, where does the baby come out? A pea hole above the vagina hole. How many holes? Wait, so now there's two sets of lips. Now there's two holes?

Just two. Well, the butt hole. No, but we're talking about the front. Yeah, there's like the pea hole. So how does the baby know which hole to come down? Well, I think the baby's a little large to come through. The urethral hole, it's the same little pea stream. We can't come through that.

So there's two tubes in there? Yes. Don't you have two tubes or just pee come out? same place as the juice comes out. P and Jiz, same hole? Whoa, whoa, let's not get personal. God, well, geez, man. Slow your roll up, Kamanchi.

Wow, wow. Slow your roll, Shopsie. Slow your roll, Druxie. Hey, Druxie's got a good sandwich. Those are some meaty sandwiches. Yeah, they are. They're good. Oh, well, let me start the show.

Hey, folks, when your credit isn't perfect, doesn't it feel like the whole system is stacked against you? You need a little buddy, you need a little helper to help you get that good credit, and that's why I want to tell you about kickoff. Users with credit under 600 grew an average of 84 points in their first year, with transparent affordable plans starting at just $5 a month, no hidden fees, and zero interest. helps you score big when it comes to credit. It's simple. You make on-time payments, credit bureaus see good behavior, and your credit can grow fast. Start building credit with kickoff today, and you can get your first month for as little as $1. That's 80% off the normal price when you go to kickoff.com

Harland today. That's kickoff without the sea. Get K-I-K-O-F-F-com.com. slash Harland. Now, you must sign up via get at kickoff.com Harland to activate the offer. Offer applies to new kickoff customers, first month only, subject to approval. Offer subject to change. Average first year credit score impact of plus 84 points, vantage score 3.0, between January 2023 and January 24 for kickoff credit account users who started with a score. score below 600, who paid on time, had no delinquencies or collections added to their credit profile during the period. Late payments may negatively impact your credit score, individual

results may vary. But let's get that credit up there. Let's kick it off with kickoff. folks welcome welcome to the holland highway podcast and i'm a special guest today comedian actress she's about to have a special come out it's on netflix yes step and say it to is it tollif tollev yeah is that russian no it's bulgarian oh bulgarian whenever i hear the word bulgarian I don't be offended. It's going to be gross. What is it? No, I think of bulgy eyes.

Oh, no, that's not gross. Like, Bulg sounds like bulge. Like, I picture those goldfish with the big puffy eyes. Yeah. Have you ever had puffy goldfish eyes? No. You will. I will.

Wait, what? I thought you were going to say, because the Bulgarians are really known for wrestling. And there's this one clip that was going viral of a wrestler who, like, lifted up a huge weight, and his anus fell out. And that guy's Bulgarian. Fell out of what? his whole like his innards came out your anus is attached to your body

it can't fall off it's not like a screw in but you don't clip it on God doesn't make you and then clip on anus well the inside can come out because there's so much pressure you like push out like your innards like they come out so his asshole didn't come off his innards came out well his asshole

kind of came out you're not real great with the anatomy I swear to God I'm gonna take you to a fucking morgue after this and we're gonna go piece by piece to a human body so you can really get in there. I don't know. I don't know any more fouls.

Wow, that'd be fun. What's that called when they cut the body up? No, when they cut the body up, not make love to it. Make love? An autopsy.

Let's not call it make love. Yeah. That's rape. You're raping a corpse. Let's call it perverted, like, demented, like death. Make love.

Make love is psychotic. Yeah. I made love people last night. They were nice and cold. What are you talking about? You don't make love to a stiffy. No. Yeah, but maybe through the eyes of the necrophiliac, they are making love.

Sure. Maybe that's, to them it's tender, it's quiet, it's nice. I want to make sure that I stitch up my hole, so no one can do that. What do you mean? What I die. I want to get cremated. Like a zombie? No, but if I got, if I was, stayed like a body, I want to sew that part up, so no one can fiddle around down there with my

remains. Yeah, but you're already dead. I don't want someone mucking around down there. I want to rest in peace. You know what I mean? I don't want to be molested. Well, that's how they say you kill a zombie. You fill your mouth with salt and you sew their lip shot. Well, salt me up. Himalayan, preferably. Whoa. I got a salt reference. I was going to say McCormick, but you want the Himalayan sea salt? Yeah, I want some sea salt down there. Wow. Really dry it up. Yeah, you can have smelled fresh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This episode should be called Under the see with me. Under your ham.

Your ham with love. God. This is a lot. Yeah. I want to share something with you right out of the gate. Wait, before I do, tell us about your Netflix special.

Yes. It is exciting. Not too many Canadians get them, so I'm very excited. Oh, really? Yes. Who has them? What Canadians have a Netflix?

Are you the first? No, no, no. Norm McDonald's, May Martin. Norm out of Netflix one? Yep. Kelly, Ryan. Kelly, who was the second one after? May Martin.

May Martin. Yeah, you know May Martin. Canadian. Wow. Why aren't they given any to Canadians? I don't know. I know. I assumed you would have,

I thought you would have had one. What the age? I know. It's annoying. You're very funny. This is, and I think I hate to say this to your fans because I'm going to be offended by this.

I think Canadians are funnier than Americans. Now I'm going to be canceled. Really? I just think we're sillier. I think we're goofier. I think we have a different like style, definitely. And I think because I'm raised around it,

I think it's funnier. I'm not saying, my favorite comicry now is Rory Scoville. Don't come at me, America. Whoa. Rory who? Scoville, you know Rory. I do.

Do you not know, who's Rory Scolville? He's so funny. I don't know if I know him. What the heck? You love him. He's a silly goose like you. Rory Scolville.

Yes. What's he like? look like? White guy, blonde hair, kind of a big nose. Not as big as mine, but bigger. How big's yours?

Oh, ask the internet. Really? Oh, right now, I have a video going viral because all these guys are like, is that a prosthetic?

As if before going on stage, I have a backpack of schnazes and I'm like, which one today? The big one that looks like the penguin from Batman. And then like, what do you think?

Schnazs. Schnaz. I think it's a Bulgarian. It's a Bulgarian schnauz. Take it in, internet. Come at me. Anything you're going to say.

I've already said by myself. Do a profile. Yeah, let them see it. Let them see it. It's like, I don't know. Also, people get mad at it. Like, I wanted this. Is it erect right now, or is it flaccid? This is it erect.

It's always erect. So I'm ready to go. Oh, wow. How long is it? I never measured it. I would say, like, I'd say like a nice piece. If this is a penis, I'd be happy with it. You would?

I think so. Hard? You wouldn't. Not that big. Thank you. See, that's the nice thing I was said. Oh, you set me up. Yeah.

You set me up with a penis thing. nice. No, I may say I have a small nose. Well, we live in a world, and I don't want to be insulting, but you could get that changed in a week. I know. Have you ever thought about it? I have. I've thought about it several times, but I don't care anymore. Good for you. Also,

Jennifer Gray. Jennifer Gray. Jennifer Gray. No, I'm Harland. From Dirty Dancing. Okay. She got hers done, and her career was over after that. Oh, yeah. She never looked the same. No, and whatever, I get rules for this. I get booked

as Scary Hotel. We'll and ghoul next door. I'm like... You're different. I'm different. It's your character. It's my character. And I don't want to change my voice

because sometimes when you get this done it affects, like... I'll tell you this. I'm proud of you for saying that. Because in this cosmetic world we live in, especially you live in Hollywood where the pressure to conform and look

quote unquote more aesthetically beautiful according to the Hollywood playbook, for you to just embrace your natural God-given features, Good for you. My natural Bulgarian feet. Also, I didn't want this.

It's not like I did this to myself. Like, what the fuck? I have to live with it. Sorry, I'm not going to spend all this money. And I watched the way they do it, rhinoplasty. It's terrifying. They cut it open and they shave. And I have a hot boyfriend.

So suck my big fucking schnauz. If I didn't have a hot boyfriend, I'd be like, oh, maybe I should. But he likes it. So what the hell do I care? Yeah. You know what? I can relate to this because I, when I grew up, my ears stuck out like crazy. As I've gotten older, they've just sort of filled in.

Okay. But right up until I was about probably 35, they stuck out like crazy. And I got teased like a maniac. And even when as a kid, my parents said, Harland, you want, there's a procedure where we can get your ears pinned. And in my head, even as a little boy, I went, you know what? God made me. For some reason, he wanted my ears out.

And this is the logic of a little boy. This is good. I'm leaving it. So me and you kind of shared the same sensibility. And guess what? I got teased so fucking badly I got funny Oh right

So oh yeah At high school This is all they talked about It was my nose And you think that pushed you down Funny Boulevard Oh yeah It made me become

Yeah Because I was like getting bullied So bad So my only way Of coming back at them I'm not gonna fight a bunch of guys Was me Being funny

And making fun of them And who's laughing now Nico It's one of my bullies That I always named For no reason Yeah Nico he knows

I made him apologize to me Really? Yeah I called him on stage one day I made him apologize for bullying me and slapping me across the face. Why did he slap you? Because I slapped him. He told me to take off my Halloween mask and then I slapped him and I slapped me back.

I mean, classic line. Yeah. It's not a bad one if you're going to be, you know, tossing around insults in high school. Was the, was the apology sincere? No, I was clearly, I was in fucking packed crowd in Toronto at the comedy bar. I was like, I was like, I was suddenly like my high school and I'm like, call him up and then I'm like, you did this. It was not sincere.

There's no way it was. Oh, he was just like appeasing you. Yeah. And he was probably terrified. He heard everyone laughing in the background. But it felt good for like a minute. Imagine he went, look, I'm so sorry. I really big nose.

Yeah. I bet you the second hanging off he's ready to get mad at me again. All right. Well, let me, as we get going here, can I share a treat with you that I've never shared with anyone else? Please. I, uh, have you ever seen a meteorite? Like a, no, I guess not. You're about to.

Look at this. What? This is an actual meteorite. Look at this. How did you get this? This, so we, yeah, hold it. During the eclipse, have you ever watched an eclipse? Yes.

So we were out watching it. This was in the early 80s. Isn't that amazing? It's crazy. Of the density of it. So this thing, we were watching the eclipse and a meteorite. We're all staring at the sky, my whole family, and this meteorite came shooting across the sky.

We were all looking up. Hit my sister right in the forehead, bounce off and went right through a KFC. Okay. Isn't that wild? I was actually believing it for a second And then now Smell it, see if you smell like Kentucky fried chicken

Oh, I went right in there Yeah This nose can really smell too You're on a specific You probably could have smelled it from here I already smelled it It doesn't smell like KFC here Yeah, I'm smelling

I'm smelling the Canadian KFCP buttee I keep doing Canadian references Because you don't get a lot of Canadians around each other You love Canadian references I do What's your favorite one? I don't know

Oh, like, I'll address ruffles chips, probably. Oh, the ruffled chips. Or like a passion flaky or Joe Louis. Oh, Joe Louis. It's like a moon pie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you miss the junk food, her. I do.

I don't, I miss, I don't know. I miss Canada in general. You do? Yeah, I miss, like, living there. I miss the, I miss summers in Canada. I miss, like, the cottage, like, the cottage season. You have a cottage? My parents have a cottage, yes.

Where? Muscoca. No, we're not that rich. No, no, no. I mean, we're not rich at all. Hamilton? Ew, that's not a cottage. That's a swamp. Wow, you said you weren't rich. No, like east of Peterborough. Oh, wow. Yeah. And the Carthortha Lakes. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just south of Paul and Mary, and we had a place down there.

Yeah, we're up by Cheryl and Jim and Sandy and Russ. Oh, wow. You know them, yeah. Sourdough yeast. Wow. All right. I found a whole bunch of of old subscriptions, stuff I wasn't using, buried in my phone, buried in my data, that wonderful data. And thanks to Rocket Money, they sussed them out and I got rid of old stuff that I don't even use anymore. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. Monitores your spending and helps lower your bills so you can grow, your savings.

Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved a total of 500 million in canceled subscriptions, saving members up to $740 a year when they use all of the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Go to RocketMoney.com slash Harland today. That's rocketmoney.com slash Harland. RocketMoney.com slash Harland. Start saving, start rocketing, rocket money. Speaking of delicious food items, tell me about your experience. Have you ever had a baconator?

Baconator, no. From Wendy's? No. Have you heard of it? I have, but I don't eat a lot of junk food. What do you eat, for God's sake? I don't know. I don't know how I have a gut.

I'm eating fucking, I had zoodles last night and I was sick only like. Zoodles? Like zucchini noodles. Oh, God. I know. I'm on a diet. I mean, if I have a big nose, I can't be fat. I thought zudels were like spaghettios but shaped like zoo animals. No, there is those, but zudels are also when you like make zucchini in the noodles. I know, but it sounds like you're taking a patented brand name. Changing it and ruining it. And making it healthy, which I don't want to hear about. I don't want to hear about it either. Well, why would you take a good old like processed food like Zoodles. Someone told me that's a name.

It suddenly making it into a delicious, healthy summer salad. It wasn't delicious. I had the shits all night. Oh, you've never had the shits. Harland Hard Shits, Williams. I didn't know that was your nickname.

God. All night? A lot of the night. It was so bad I had to rub my stomach. I could rub my tummy all night. It was bad. I took like gravel Canadian to help with like nausea. You should have glazed your hand.

I should have glazed my hand. Yeah, it was bad. Oh, wow. I don't know. What's wrong with me? Well, let's get off of that topic. No one wants to hear about your rhymes. No one does. No one does.

Well, here we are talking about your diarrhea. The Baconator. Wendy's is diarrhea. What are you talking about? You've never had a baconator. No. Just what is the word, what happens in your head when you hear baconator? I'm assuming it's one of those weird square hamburgers Wendy's has with a bunch of bacon on it. Okay, but does it cause any type of visceral reaction or any of...

No, I enjoy bacon, and I wish I could enjoy that. But does it conjure up any connectivity to your life or any? No, is there something that you found on my Wikipedia? No, it's such a big word. It's such a bacon. I'm not saying cheeseburger. I'm not saying hamburger. I'm literally sitting here in front of you saying Baconator,

and you're staring at me, your eyes glazed over you, like you've been huffing pain in Home Depot. Girl, I'm asking you how a baconator makes you feel. Now, if you don't want to play the podcast game and answer. Wow. Now I'm not yes ending. A baconator. I've caught a dead pigs is what I'm thinking of.

There we go. I'm upset. I don't know. I thought you were just like, I thought you were going to bring a fucking baconator out, even though I would have smelled it. No, here's what I do. I bring up topics hoping it stimulates something deep inside. Well, clearly that didn't stimulate it.

And now we're on the topic of the slaughtering of pork. Yes. Talk to me. Obviously, you're passionate about. it you don't like it i don't well i eat bacon sometimes but i just saw a clip on ticot as a woman who talk to me a pig jumped off the back of a truck okay to save itself a little puppy baby pig why was it driving a truck i don't know i don't know pigs get a license in america i'm not really sure they say there's the second smartest next to dogs do they i thought it was apes well it's my

podcast okay it's your podcast it's your facts excuse me sorry i'm not gonna take i'm not gonna take lip from a diarrhea-filled big nose. I mean, you know what? Wow, am I back in high school? Do you want to call me? Oh my God. You want to call me to apologize. Jesus Christ.

Well, you brought it off. My God. I just wanted a baconator answer, and I'm getting all this lip from diarrhea boy over here. Like, work with me, guy. I'm trying. I don't know. The baconator wasn't.

This pig fell off the back of a truck. And this girl saved it because the pig saved its life because it knew it's going to be slaughtered. Okay. And now she, like, kisses the pig on the lips, and I follow them on TikTok, and it's really cute. Hold on. She kisses the pig on the lips. Yeah, it's like a cute little pig, and she, like, saved them, and they're like buddies now.

Okay, there's buddies, and then there's making out with a pig. Well, there's no tongue. There's no tongue. Tong is making out. Do pigs even have lips? Don't they just have that round, flat thing? This pig's got lips. Oh, the inner ones, right?

She's kissing me. But see, here's what I do as a professional podcaster. I don't let things go by the wayside. If I didn't dig deep and press you on the baconator, we would have got the story about a pig driving a truck and making out with a woman. Yeah, you're right. I see now.

I hope you understand. I'm getting it. I started an improv, so I don't know how I haven't done improv in a while. Well, I'm a professional pocket. This goes out to all over the world. Okay. I have viewers in Bermuda, even. You do?

Yeah. In the triangle. What's that? In the triangle. The Bermuda Triangle. That's where all your fans come from. Swimming around. I don't think anyone's living in the Bermuda Triangle.

You don't know that. The scariest, but like Satan's asshole. I don't think there's people with summer homes in the Bermuda where planes have mysteriously disappeared in time warps and ships are still floating underwater and skeletons row canoes to places that don't exist. They might be listening to the pod. Have you ever seen a couple air pods in those skeletons?

Having a laugh. I kind of like where you're going with them. Now we're back on it. Wow. See, you didn't know. Okay, cool. So you're a wild woman. We've established that. Touring. Talk to me about touring. Your wildest, I know you've picked up men.

You've slapped them around. You've thrown them on the bed. You've abused them. You've taken them at your will. What's one of your wildest touring? I got me some meat. I got me some meat touring stories. Jesus Christ.

I mean. There has to be one where you just like got them. man and had your way? Oh, I've had, look, there's no me-toeing here. You're acting like I'm dragging these men out by the goddamn wayside, giving them the old Harland ears,

dragging the back to the hotel. Wait, we're going after my ears now? Well, you went after my fucking nose and called me a man, and I didn't even bring that out. I said diarrhea boy, not man. All right, relax. Okay, at least that's a little flattery.

Carl's Jr. And that reminds me of hammers. No. What's a good? Doesn't even, what's a wild? one night stand crazy like I met a guy in a mosh bit once really yeah and we were watch

yeah one of my favorite bands death from above 1979 what is it death from above 1979 they're a Canadian rock duo okay and I was moshing and I shoved this guy and then he shoved me and I was the fuck and we went like back and forth and then I was like we were really shoving each other and then I looked at him up and I was like god he's kind of fucking hot and then he came up to me he's like meet me at the bar after the pit

and I was like hmm and then when the concert ended we were both like sweating and then I'm like, let's go. I was cat sitting for my friend. Worst part was we started fooling around. The cat got out. So I had to kick him out. I had to find the cat. It was a whole ordeal.

But it started good. Wait a minute. Hold on. But we were both stinky, like sweaty. I know, I can tell. But you're telling me you put a cat ahead of coitus. Well, we already had some coitus. And then I realized the cat wasn't in there anymore.

The door was left open. And then I panicked because my friends would have killed me. If I let the cat go. Wait a minute. Who has intercourse? course with the door open. Well, we were quite drunk. Where were you in a trailer?

No, I was a cat sitting out here. You were in the house? Yes, I was in the house. So you just left the front door open. Yeah, but I have got fingered in the back of a trailer before. What do you mean? At a show and actually, I think it was in Sudbury. It was like North Bay.

It was North Bay. Wow, everyone gets fingered in North Bay. Well, those are not clean fingers in North Bay. I mean, I think there's a rate at the sign where it says, welcome to North Bay. There's an automated finger going like that. Welcome to North Bay. And the nails all dirty because you know is, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because people go sit on the sign and take a picture, yeah. Welcome to North Bay, hey. And they're like, come, come and hang out for a while. And they're like, I love it. What do you mean you got fingered? After a show. By the way, who even uses that term anymore?

Well, that's all that happened. He picked up a skunk on the side of the road and went, hey, should I make this a hat? And I was like, I don't know, do what you want. And then he fingered me, say, man. Oh, yeah. That must have stuff. Something's wrong with me.

Wait, I meant the skunk. Maybe I need the fish to go in there. Not you. Oh, well, yeah, the skunk was, yeah, the skunk, but it was dead. I guess the smell went away. Well, it would be twice as bad. What was the tail? He wasn't fingering.

That's where the ass sauce comes out. A skunk lifts its tail. That's where the ass juice comes out. Yeah, the ass juice. Have you ever seen it come out? Yeah. Have you ever seen a baby skunk? Yeah.

They're so cute. All babies are cute. No, baby skunks are the cutest animals on the planet. You tell me one baby that isn't cute. Shoot. I can show you my Facebook. Really? All my high school friends are posting

these hideous babies. I'm like, stop. What do you mean? They're like gray. I'm like, wait till it's a person. They have gray children? I don't know. When the baby first comes out.

What are they having them? Hamilton? The stelco line? The stelco babies. There's coming out on a conveyor belt. DeFasco. Our product is babies. God.

I don't know. They look like gray and they look kind of like wet. but also dry. It's very bizarre what's happening out there. Ew. I know.

A lot of ugly babies. Maybe they, I shouldn't say it. No, what? Maybe they're boiling them. Boiling them. Well, they're gray.

How do you get a pink? I don't think it's ready yet. Babies are basically shrimp pink when they come out. They look like a nice shrimp cocktail. Are you hanging out at the hospital? No, but I've seen enough videos.

Videos? Yeah. What are you watching? Babies coming out. You're not on porn of you're on. Babymama.com. I film. I freelance film births for people. I can actually, you look like a guy that would do that.

Yeah. Well, and it was a huge, one of those old video cameras, it still does the VHS. You're not being slick about it. And mine says City TV on the side. There's that sip again. Very good. One of my wildest stories, I partied in the late, the early 80s with that Tina Turner. No.

Yeah. I got to party with their honor bus, and we had a wild night. And do you ever take a memento from your little one-night standies? No, I want to forget them all. Really? Usually they're gross. You've never had a good one? I've had a couple good ones, yeah.

You've never taken like a piece of jewelry, or they've given you a little moment, like a little trinket or something, a prize, if you will? A prize. Like a cracker jack toy? No, I'm not like a homeless. prostitute where I'm like, I need a present to remember this. No, but it's like that was good coitus, here's some beads or something.

Like, fortune cookie. Coitus sounds grosser than sex. It does? It does. Coitus. Well, you said fingered. Yeah, fingered is like a normal term. Coitus is like perverse.

It's like something you're like... Coitus is the technical term next to... If you don't have the breath, let's see you've got asthma and you can't say intercourse, because it's a long word. I barely just got it out right now. What? In her course.

But coitus, that just pops out like a Tick-Tac out of Dolly Parton's throat after she got the Heimlich maneuver at an underwater sea festival. I would love to go to an underwater sea festival. You will. Wait, if you don't call fingering, what is that called then? What's the medical term? Gumby and Pokedy. Blocking the hole? God, disgusting.

I had a night with that Turner. Yeah, okay. Tina Turner. This was on her tour, the big, what's that? That huge hit song. She said, I ain't got nothing but love or whatever. Okay. What was it?

I don't know. What was her huge hit song? Something love. Dancing for money, do what you want. That one? I don't think she gritted her teeth. Dancing for money, do what you want me to do. That's my, I'm setting that into Lauren Michaels this year for my S&L audition.

You're pooing in the woods. You'd know if I was pooing in the woods. Oh, God. I just stand up and cough. It comes right out. Oh. After I dig a hole. All I can say to that is, God bless the beasts and the children.

God. Okay, wait, what happened with Tina Turner? You're on the bus? We're on her tour bus. And we just had a wild night. We just went at it. And she gave me a memento. People don't believe this, but she gave me a pair of her undies.

Let's see him. And she wore these like Pillsbury doughboy. What? Yeah, no, open them up. Let's see what size Tina Turner wears. This is what she wore. She said she loved wearing these. You know those little dresses she'd wear?

Uh-huh. And she'd wear those nice and loose. Hey, guess what the lips can really breathe in those. Well, you know what's funny? She had an infinity for the Pillsbury dough boy, and every time I'd sort of thrust in, she would go, Oh, so you had that kind of fun? Yeah, like she just, every time I,

kind of out, nothing, but when I went in, I was like, hoo-hoo! Okay. And then she gave you those. Unreal. What a memory. Yeah, she gave me these. And she gave me one of her wigs. Where's that? I lost it. Okay. I think I left it out one day and some ants got into it. So I had to burn it. He burned a Tina Turner wig. Wow, I can't believe you had coitus with Tina Turner. See, it sounds good. It sounds better when you say it like that.

I tried to get on. Do you know the band? Oh my fucking God, what was they called? not Interpol Intercourse No what's the fuck Oh my God They're a shitty band They wouldn't let me They wouldn't let me

My friend on the bus Because we were too ugly They were like letting all these people on Oh no way And they It was outside Opera House In Toronto

Oh What the fuck I'm hitting their goddamn name now And how did that make you feel I laugh Because I saw the pigs They were bringing on I'm like oh

You want pigs Oh I mean you want that You want coitus with that Look at least I would try Here look I might be Not classically attractive, but guess what? I put the work in the bedroom.

You do? Oh, I'm working hard. Like, explain that. I have a hot boyfriend. I was giving him the old slip-slop. Doctors called that. With my mouth.

Shlip-slop. With my mouth in my hands. You're a jellyfish? What the hell? I was, I was sucking them off. What do you want me to say? I'll just say that. Mouth coitus.

I don't know. Dr. Seuss code words here. Slip-slop in the flop. I had myself a slip-slop. I was schlop-flop. I was schlopping them up, and I was sucking them off. Okay. Well, I was trying so hard that I got a crick in my neck

because I was really going for it, and I had to wear an icy hot patch for three days. What do you mean going out for so hard? I was, like, really trying. I was like, I'm not just, I'm not just, like, kissing the tip down there. I'm getting in there. I'm moving it around. I'm massaging it.

I've got both hands. I've got... Well, why are you working so hard? I don't know, because I'm happy to be there. But you're not just kind of symbiotically, like, kind of in a flow? No, we're in a flow. It sounds like you're digging for gold or something. Well, I was hungry.

I was down there. Whoa. Too many zoodles. They don't fill you up. Ew. Zoodles leads to the poodles. Oh. God.

No, but I just want to try. I'm just saying, I put the work in. I'm not lying there. A lot of guys complaining women are lying around. Are they really? I don't know. I'm doing it. I'm giving it all my all down there. It's a workout. But is it to the point where it's evident to him that you're like overdoing it?

No, I'm not. Would he ever go, hey, just dial it down? No, no, no. I'm a good actor. I'm not like overdoing it. I'm not like, you know, coming in hot. I'm off script here. But the fact that you're sort of pre- Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, I will be packaged

and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is. Just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Colgate Total is more than just your favorite toothpaste.

It's dedicated to advancing oral health. The new Colgate Total Active Prevention System features a reformulated toothpaste, innovative toothbrush, and a refreshing antibacterial mouthwash. All designed to work together to fight the root cause of common oral health issues, such as gingivitis, plaque, and tartar. Use the full routine twice daily and be dentist ready. Shop the Colgate Total Active Prevention System

now at walmart.ca. He meditative and telegraphing it. Is it authentic or are you just doing it to service him? Well, I think it's a mix. But I'm obviously servicing him. What do mean? I'm serviced. It's a service.

I know, but is it reciprocal? Are you just going? I better please this guy or he might leave me. No, he's fingering me the same time. No, no, no. How can he be fingering if your face is here? What's he fingering the back of your head? My face is there.

What do you mean? You said you were giving him a blowy. Yeah. So where's the finger going in your ear? Where do you? I'm like on an angle. Oh, really? So you're blowing him on an isosceles triangle?

I'm at a 90 degree angle here. I'm at a perfect 90 degree. Okay, so just so I'm clear. He's lying down. I'm not a member of Cirque Disloat. Oh, he's lying down. Yeah. What is he was standing up?

I thought he was standing. No, I was doing a handstand sucking him off. No, you were kneeling in front of him. And then you said you got his finger and you're not like, where's it going to go? He's got long arms. Wait, so you're laying, he's laying down on his back. Yes. And I'm also on the bed, but like at a 90 degree angle.

I'm like into it and then he can get in there. Okay. It's almost as if you've never had coitus. Just you and Tina turn. I don't know that I have now that I've. I'm hearing this. I might have been doing it wrong. I think you might have.

Do you have to take your clothes off to have quotas? No, clothes are on. Okay, then I've been doing it right. Okay, okay. Wait, so. Full snowsuits. Is this feeling good getting, you know, penetrated with a finger? As I'm serving, yes, it's a double service here.

It's a whole service. We're both getting stuff at the same time. It's nice. I was so alarmed that you, you're alarmed by this. I'm not alarmed. Harlan Highway, I feel like you've been getting your cock sucked off

on the side of the road for years now. Could you say that again about in a radio voice? Harlan Highway, he's been getting his cock sucked off for years in the side of the highway. Ding! Wow.

Yeah, and I feel like you... Yeah, maybe I have. In the middle of like the desert, somebody just comes to you. Some woman with braids just comes out of nowhere. She's like, Harlan, ooh.

Wow. I feel like you need to be service. this. Wow. Service outside of service. You like this. Am I giving you a nice... Well, it sounds like we're out in the desert

where the hills have fries. Yeah, that's what it is. And she's also eating fries at the same time. Wow. Yeah, wouldn't that be nice? Dude, that. Yeah, if it did taste like fries, that'd be great. What does it taste like?

I've never tasted it. What does it honestly taste like? Tell the man... It depends. If it's clean, it tastes kind of like nothing. Oh, so then why bother? Yeah, you want to taste. Put a little Himalayan sea salt down there.

Yeah. Kiss that off. Put some hot sauce on it. No, it's got to taste like everything has taste. It's kind of like a, no, it's like a skin taste. And then when the stuff comes out, there's like a, that has the taste sometimes. So if I just go like this. That's the same as your penis.

Discuss. No. You bastard. You bastard. You son of a bit. Well, now you know, now you all know what your penis tastes like. You thought we were friend. How much longer?

Okay, so much longer. Okay, wow. I should have warned you. That was like a total setup. I'm really upset that I didn't warn you how bad it was going to be. I never wanted to taste. that? God.

Thank God you're not doing this at a studio. Jesus. This is the Holland Highway Studio. Hello? Yes, but there's also, you guys can't see there's sawdust all over the ground, so you can just do whatever he wants. That's true.

Like in a barn. We were talking about women and the things that women do. Yeah. Let me switch gears and raise the game a little. Let's notch the game up a little. We've been playing checkers. Let's start.

the chest. What do women want? Have you ever marched in one of these women rallies? No. What do they want? Oh, wait, no, I did. Okay, talk to me. I don't know.

When and where? The one that was in L.A. Okay, that was a huge one. You didn't remember that? I think I loved it. It was like, wasn't there a million people there? No, I never have. Oh, wait a minute.

A million women screaming in the streets. Yeah, I think I was there. I was there. It was empowering. It's nice to feel like you're, you know, part of a community wants to yell and I had like I took someone's sign and it was an ovary giving the finger really this is taste number two I think I'm warming up to it yeah you like it now I said I'm

warming up to it I didn't say I liked it well you didn't spit that time so that's good I know but I'm warming up to it so maybe third times a charm well get there when I get there broke back mountain teeth Do you want me to bring a penis in here? So you can try it? Have one? In my car. I think that's called the stick shift where I come from.

All right, so you're in the streets with an ovary. I'm in the streets and ovary. They're flipping people off. Great sign. Don't know who made it. You were carrying this. I was carrying on a wooden stick. And somehow you didn't remember if I've asked you, but you've been in a woman.

I've done a lot of things. How many times in your life have you walked down the road with an ovary flipping the world off? Not that many. I can also, I can. I can send you the photo. I do have a photo of me doing this too. Send me the photo. I'm going to put it on this podcast because I'm a professional podcaster.

You are a professional podcaster and he loves to taste the cock now. What? What did you see? Nothing. So why were you doing it? Why were the women doing it? If you've got an ovary and you're flipping up. Because women, we want our fucking rights.

We want the same rights that men want. What rights don't you have? Talk to me. We can't fucking, we're not getting paid the same amount as men. getting treated directly, it's a parent in fucking comedy.

Fucking women in comedy it's such a different thing than men. There's still way less women on lineups. Every time I do a fucking show someone's like, women are funny,

it's the same bullshit. Because there's less women so you're comparing us also the comments and be, you know funny, shut up. I don't get a fucking shit's ass.

Just a little addendum to this. This coming from the woman that has a Netflix special and the guy that doesn't. Look. There's a lot. Oh my God. You could have a chaser.

God. No, is that true? I mean, I haven't witnessed that, but you obviously, you're there, so you feel like there's discrimination. There is discrimination. Oh, my God. What the hell? Of course there is.

There's so much discrimination in comedy. Like, give me an example of, like, how you've been held down or put back or shut out as a woman. Okay. Yeah. I'd love to hear this. Mark Breslin, Yuck Yucs, Canada, told me, I was wearing, no, that's not a good example. I'll use Jason Lawrence from absolute comedy. He told me

I can't be dirty. Women shouldn't be dirty on stage. He comments on the way I was dressing. I'm sorry, but would you ever say that to a man? Has a man ever been told how to dress on stage or how to fucking not be dirty on stage? There are a lot of male can I answer that? As a man

I was told a couple of times not to do what I do. Now that's, it wasn't physical, but it was my material. I was told not to be so weird. and strange. Okay. So in a way a little, but different, I'm a man. Still, I have, since you brought up, I have been told what to do and not to do.

But I think that's part of why we do this, because we don't need no boss. We don't want no boss. We don't even want Bruce Springsteen. We're going to do an our way player. Exactly. Oh, my God. I got a fever and a fever is, stop it. What have you done to me?

Next time I come, you're going to be drinking just your own fucking cock juice in that. You're going to be sucking it back. You're going to be gargling it. Girl. You're going to have a new fucking juice. Girl, I picture my ovary. So, okay. So, how about in the States?

Has it been in the States or that was your Canada experience? Yeah, but in the States is worse because every time I posted a clip of being dirty, which I am dirty. I'm not trying to be dirty. I think like a fucking perver. If you listen to anything, I fucking said this whole time, if you look at any dirty male comedian that post a clip online. Adam Sandler, Burke Kreischer, whoever the fuck it is,

there's no comments being like, old men talk about his sex, but the second a woman does it, that's all we're fucking painted as. So let me ask you this. As an artist, does that make you feel deterred or sad, or does that fuel your fire even more? That's the answer I was hoping I did here. Oh, of course. These trolls, are you crazy? You don't think

Mark Brezlin not ever wanted to use me or Jason Lawrence not wanted to use me. That hasn't fueled my whole career. My fucking names on the side of the goddamn comedy store where the hell's your name is assholes they don't even care about me I've always bringing them up because I'm mad because I'm like yeah anytime my whole career has been fueled off of people telling me no of course it is sometimes that's the best fuel in the world so I think maybe you owe somebody all these people a nice big thank you actually thank you Mark

Breslin and Jason Lawrence for telling me I was shit because guess what I wouldn't have worked this fucking hard I wouldn't have moved to fucking America speaking of moving to America before you do that can you thank all men to please I I can't do that. I cannot think there's some men that have really wronged me that are bad, bad, bad men. And has that lit your fire? No, one of them didn't.

But most of them do. Everyone but this one man. And you might want to say thank you to all men. Thank you to all my trolls for constantly commenting on my nose being Tukin Sam or Penguin from the Batman or grew that one people love. No one I've been getting called recently. The guy who dresses like a woman from MASH. Oh, Jamie Farr.

Yeah. Yeah, definitely. You look like a young Jamie Farr. Yeah. Put a picture beside me. Yeah, yeah. Could be twins. Yeah, that's...

Is he dead? He's still alive. We should make a movie. He's one of the top guys on Cameo, I think. Is he? So you might want to get on cameo as a young Jamie Farr and make a killing. I should. I wanted to ask you this.

Are you a dual citizen? Why do you want to know? Because I have to take my test. Your pregnancy test? Yeah, I take it in. I pee on a stick and I go, am I American? Will that be the way to do it? If it was just like in you organically, you pee on a stick,

oh, I'm not American. Damn it. If it turns blue, you're Americans. If it turns red, white, and blue, you're American. Turns red, Canadian. Or Chinese, or Russian. Yeah. If for a Canadian, it'd have to be red and white.

And a maple leaf. Yeah. Imagine you just pissed out a candy cane. You're a Canadian. Oh, very nice. Okay, so are you excited? I'm nervous. I'm stupid.

Okay, I did it. Here's the test, okay? Finish this sentence. The United States of Brazil. Okay, you're not. You're going to be Canadian for a while. No. Name two American presidents.

Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton. Wow. I'm not that stupid. The first presidential couple, yeah. Is that all it is? No, it's so simple. It's insulting. Okay.

I went and did it, and then if you don't get it right, they kind of goad you along. They go, rhymes with Lord Lush. Okay. Oh, George Bush? Okay, okay. Like, it's, it's,

don't even think about the test. Okay, because the test is freaking me out because I've got, all my paperwork is approved. Oh, you'll be fine. Because they,

I was looking at some, I was practicing on this other one and it was like, all these crazy questions. Like, what happened on 9-11? I don't know, my sister got married. What do you want for me?

Oh, wow, she did? She didn't get married on 9-11. Wow, she picked a good day, I know. Where'd she do it? At the cottage on the dock. Oh, wow. I know.

Memories. Perfect day. Lest we forget. Yeah, that's the day she picked. Obviously, I know. She's still married? Yeah. Beautiful baby.

Not an ugly one. Gray or pink? Pink. Yeah. Cute. Baby color. Okay, so what do women want overall? You say rights.

Equality, we want, yes. If we treated like equals, that's the thing. It's the main thing we want. That's all we want. want. It's never going to happen. So the paid disparity and some of the career stuff. And just in general, men just

like treating us the same way they treat men. Men just already in general look down on women and treat us differently. Majority of men. But don't women treat men differently? We do now because we get treated like this. If we were all treated equally, this wouldn't have happened. But don't you want that

division where a man, as a man, I want to treat a woman as a woman like sexy fun intelligent like yeah but intelligent okay that's most men aren't doing that that's what's happening they're treating us like we're stupid i'm not a good example because i am stupid but there's other i don't know things i don't know like stuff what's the smallest bone in the human body your tooth correct that's not right what is it like a little hand bone is it a finger bone Keep guessing. I think you'll get it. I don't believe you're stupid for a minute. My sister was hit in the face with a meteorite. Hey, it's not my nose bone. I'll tell you that. That's the biggest bone in my body. That's the biggest bone in any. I mean, you should, your nose should be in a historical museum. I wanted to do a, when I first started doing like sketch comedy, I wanted to do just my nose living on. Your nose isn't small over there. I know. I got a nice big French Canadian nose. I got a nice big French Canadian nose too. Okay. Yeah, this, I got a little. French-Canadian bump there.

Do you get hit by a hockey stick? I have been, but not in the nose. What'd you play? Forward. Left wing, right wing, center. Do you ever play ball hockey? Oh, yeah. Ball hockey, roller hockey, ice hockey.

Let's go ball it up. I'm very good at a floor hockey. You are? Oh, yeah, I played field hockey in high school and I play ball hockey. I can't skate. That's the problem. Okay.

I know. It sucks. Canadian that can't skate. Don't think I'll be wasting my time with that one then. Oh, really? You're not going to go down to the old fucking four by four We can just cup couple sticks around Jesus, Christina

Huff a couple darts there, eh? Drink a moose juice. Have a fucking day. Go out in the canoe, eh? Oh, do you canoe? Oh, I canoe, I kayak. You do? Pretty good at canoeing, yeah.

Stern or bow? Oh, I'm stern. Yeah. Oh, I got to fucking turn that shit around there, eh? Yeah. Fucking do the old... Jaystroke. Oh, I know the J stroke.

You do? Oh, yeah. I'm turning a thing. Oh, yeah. I'm a lake girl. I live at the bottom of a lake. You do? I've been down there for a while.

If you live at the bottom of a lake. I can hold my breath for a long time. Can you hold your breasts for a long time? That's how I do it. I hold my breasts at my breath at the same time. I go, and then you really, you don't focus at the breath because you're thinking of your breasts. Wait, how long can you hold your breath?

That's not easy. Not that long, no, but I can swim underwater for a bit. As a kid, I used to muck around down there, put the goggles on. Do you ever get bit by a snapping turtle? you look like you have. Almost. Actually, I almost was. I can tell right away.

Yeah, I know. I've been around a lot of snapping turtles. You've been snapped. I did. One bit my lip. That's what I'm talking about. I was about to kiss one as a joke for a photo years ago. Let me guess it fell off a truck.

It actually was on the road. I was saving it. I was on the way to a Sega beach. And there was a little turtle in the middle of the side road. And I told my friends to pull over. And I go, oh, my God. And I picked this turtle up. And I go, oh, look how cute this is.

And it was Polaroids, not even cell phones yet. I go take a photo. so I front of the Kodak and I went like this and I closed my eyes and I opened my eyes and the turtle's head came all the way out to a huge chunk of my lip and then I threw it and then a woman came out of our house and she's like they're almost extinct

get the fuck out of here and I was like ah and it was bleeding so bad we were pulling into our campsite and I asked the guy the campsite guy I'm like hey he's this bad and he's like doesn't look good I was like should I go to the doctor he's like if it keeps bleeding yeah you have to because it was like gushing blood well did you have to go find the turtle and get your lip chunk back

no it grew back and I'm part turtle now Wait. Hey, do you know, Ninja Turtles? Yeah. Yeah, I'm Splinter. This is what they made the movie from. It's all coming. Wow, dude.

Learning a lot today, huh? Somehow, see, here's where I get into the layers as a professional podcaster. I just don't have guests. Somehow I have an intuitive sense about my guess. And the fact that of all my guests, I've never asked one if they've been bit by a snapping turtle, but you, I sensed it. Yeah, like a big snapping turtle bit in energy here. Do you believe in irony? Yes.

Talk to me. Talk to you about it? I don't know. I don't know. I think it's real. Can I tell you a little story about irony? Because I find it fascinating how they say life cyclical and things that are ironic kind of come back and all these forces have to come into play.

So it's a little bit, maybe about a two, three minute story. if you'll indulge me. I'm ready. I'm a cobbler nut. I love cobbler. Do you like a cobbler? Like a pie? Like an apple cobbler or blueberry cobblers.

I thought you were like a shoe cobbler. Yeah, so this, no, no, that's a shoe cobbler. But this is like the baking stuff. I'm a cobbler nut. You're going to laugh. Do you have a cobbler on you right now? No. No, this is a story.

This was about three years ago. And I was making this wonderful cobbler. I got the recipe for my grandmother. I was making a wonderful blueberry cobbler. And I like the thick crust on the top, not the thin. I like a nice, thick cobbler crust, cinnamon. And I pulled it out of the oven. It was like a summer afternoon.

And I put it out on the window ledge. And it was out there cooling, and a bunch of chickadees flew down. You know, the little birds, chickadeeys? Give her-a-d-d-de-d-d- right. That's the way they sound. It's a great impression. And by the way, how egotistical is the chickadee that they...

To be flying around saying its own name. Non-stop. They say nothing else. Yeah. Their own name. I think the only other bird that does it is the Whippoorwill. Whipper-will! Whipper-will!

Okay. But you don't hear other birds. You never see a blue heron flying through the sky going, Blue heron! Blue heron! Right? I haven't really heard of blue heron, though. Maybe.

That's good. Yeah. You'd be a great blue heron in a cartoon. I mean, you ever seen a penguin? Penguin. You know what I mean? Yes. Like the chickadee got some ego.

Yeah, smug. So these chickadee land on my freshly, but I just pulled it out of the oven, this beautiful blueberry cobbler. Chickadees start fornicating or coitcing, if you will, on the cobbler crust. Two of them? Two of them. Like, you know how birds do they land on the back? And they flap the feathers and spray the sperm everywhere.

Yeah. I mean, you should try not, if you're going to be ejaculating, try not to be flapping. It's too much. It's just like you're almost fumigating. So here we go, and they knock the cobbler off the thing. The ledge. Yeah, off the ledge. And I'm furious, but before I can get mad, my grandmother's having a funeral. So I have to get to her funeral. I get to her funeral. The same grandmother that gave you the recipe.

The recipe. Yeah. Yeah, and I'm standing, I go to the funeral, you know you can stand over the body, like you can, at the funeral, they do a showing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm standing over her body, and I'm crying. Are your grandparents still with us? No. Oh, yeah, we'll talk about their funeral later.

Okay. But I'm standing over my grandmother's body, and I'm just crying, like I'd almost like I just snuck into a kitchen and sucked a Spanish onion, like, just coming down. and the tears are dropping onto her face. You know how they make up the faces, the cadavers? They lock on a lot of makeup and everything. And I think she's got on this foundation. It's really thick.

I think it's like Cap Von D's Midnight Sun Splash or something. Do you shop at Sephora? I do, but I don't use that brand. Yeah, it's either Cravendy's Midnight Sunsplash or Cat Fondie's Turmoil in the Streets, which is her new line. Okay, okay. And so my. So my tears are dropping on it And so I panic

So I start, you know, trying to wipe them And I'm smudging Granny's makeup Now her eyeliner's gone Like I think she had Reese Witherspoons Midnight Spanish Okay And all these celebrities

Of their makeup lines as you know And so now I'm kind of doing it And her lipstick She's got David Bowie Ziggie Stardust collection on Okay And now I'm melding them all And she almost looks like The seventh Pimber of Kiss

like she's like just got she almost looks like leather face was making out with the uh the guy from the rocky picture horror show like everything was just smeared clowny and here's where the irony comes in as i'm crying over my dead grandmother it's like you mentioned i realized my god she's the one that gave me the recipe for apple cobbler and all the cobbler's blueberry cinnamon cobbler and i just thought it was ironic that you know here I am at her funeral. I just had a cobbler go down and here's the one who gave me the recipe for it.

And it's almost like the chickadee sperm was kind of all mixed around her face like it was on the cobbler. I didn't join that together but now that you say that, yeah, sort of. It would have been, you know, clumpy and mushed around it with the... And the way I smeared her makeup,

it looks sort of like splash all or... Yeah. Like a messed up pie top. Yeah. Huh. Interesting. Ironic. Do you have any ironic stories?

I have a good funeral story. Oh, please. My, I, do you, I, for some reason at funerals, I get very giddy, and I start laughing, and I can't stop. No better place to laugh. It's the fucking worst. So, like, you know this is supposed to be laughing. Well, so my. Hence who died.

Well, this was my grandmother's brother, so I wasn't very close to him. Fine. It's worth a few giggles. Bulgarian. Hilarious. My aunt falls down the stairs in the way of the bathroom. So badly that you know how there's like banisters?

Yeah. Her arm gets bigger lady. Her arm gets stuck and then she, her body keeps rolling but her arm was stuck. Ooh. Like a fat slinky. Big, big slinky. Big fat slinky.

Stuck in the thing. Can't get her out, but her body's still going. We are cry laughing. She takes her arm out immediately bruised. Like swollen, we're all dying laughing. We get up to the front. And my dad's so pissed. Get in there.

Shut the fuck up. I'm like, okay. So me and my sister and my mom are staying together. And the priest is talking. And I look down and I realize he's wearing these like big Mark's Works Warehouse boots.

Oh, steel toe. Steel toe. And I'm like, did this guy, they just found this Bulgarian priest who was just in the middle of fucking making a new house in Markham and they threw on a fucking priest robe. And now he's standing here doing this like,

Gospody, gospelody, and I just start laughing so fucking hard. My dad was like doing like the classic Like, like, I'm going to fucking punch you. Child abuse. Child abuse. I got abused at the funeral. But then, like, we had to leave.

Nothing better than child abuse at a funeral, by the way. Because who's going to say anything? You can't say anything. We ruined it. My dad made us leave the fucking room. I couldn't stop laughing. I don't know why seeing a priest with these, like, big work boots was just, and the falling. It was all too much for a funeral.

But the falling, seeing somebody fall in general is very funny. Well, to see a Bulgarian fall. And this is why I think it's important that Bulgarians do have the big goldfish eyes because those are like airbags. Yeah. And you get an old Bulgarian bouncing down the steps and those eyes will just stop all that bruising.

They didn't. It's almost like when the Mars when the spaceships land and they're wrapped in airbags and they bounce like, just picture an old Bulgarian lady bouncing down the stairs off of a giant goldfish eyes. Or they're giant, big boobs. Bulgarian women, big old Bulgarian

boobsgarians. We could rename them. Bourgarians. The females should be boobgarians. Yeah. And the men can be bulge garians. There it is. Big balls and big boobs. Right.

Yep. Hybrid. Swollen. What'd you call me? Swollen. Members. Remember that band? You ready for our final segment?

Toll. Oh, I can't wait. Toll of. Tallov. Tollive. Tollev. Yes. I love the way you know your guest's names.

I know I had Airy Spears on here yesterday and I called them Ari like 400 times Well I had to pick one of these Well this is called words from a wooden shoe Okay In the shoe are some random words Pull one out See if it sparks a memory

A story from your journey in life Young lady Like all these words There's three things in here okay Shoplifting Oh here we go Oh here we go Yeah

Here we go Slap me with it go for teeth I thought I had normal teeth I'm joking I don't know anymore just words shoplifting well there was one time

where I was may I I'm sorry I'm just digging deep into a very specific childhood memory go go yeah I was in a Bulgarian store and what are they selling there

oh you don't want I want to know what they're selling. Okay. A lot of goat cheese, a lot of bonica. It was a Bulgarian bakery. Okay. And I went, how do you make, how do you make this? I'm Bulgarian.

Yeah. How do you make this bonita? It's a pastry. Bonita. And the person behind the counter, I have no idea what I was saying. So they go, come, come, come. I go, oh, okay. So I came around the back of the, back of the bakery.

I shouldn't have been back there. My hands were dirty. I'm not clean. Yeah, yeah. And then I was fingered by this Bulgarian. You were? I don't have a shoplifting story You don't?

I don't have one I was a good girl I got arrested for assault But that wasn't shoplifting Well does anyone When you know shoplifted I mean surely you must have been around Someone who's shoplifted

There must be one story in your life Oh my sister used to shoplifting And get in trouble Why didn't you go to her Why did I make it about yourself That you kept doing these fun little stories Well I don't make up stories All your stories are real

My cobbler And I mean how emotional was that Can I pick another one? No. That's it. I get this is my last chance. Remember I made you dig for the Baconator and we found a great story. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to dig for a shoplifting story and I'll sit here and whistle until you find it. I wish I had, okay, well, my sister used to get in trouble for stealing all the time. Okay, here we go. That's the start of the story. My sister got, what did she steal? Let me help you. She was steal makeup. Actually, she'd love to steal makeup.

Not Cat Von D's Midnight Sunsplash, I hope. Maybe she was stealing that. She was stealing a lot of shit from the bay. The bay, which is like Canada's Macy's. Yeah, Canada's Macy's. What was she stealing? Canoe paddles? Just whatever she could. She loved it. So she was a klepto?

She was a bit of a klepto. And kept taking shit and then getting the cops who get in trouble. And she'd get like, she never got like arrested. But then she got in trouble for stealing someone's pencil case in grade eight. She'd like witnesses someone's locker because she liked their pens better. Oh. And then got called in from the school. Yeah.

And then that's it. These aren't great stories. Well, wait a minute. You don't just shoplift get done. caught and the parents don't chime in? What did the Bulgarian parents say? I don't know. My parents ever...

What did the Bulgis say? They didn't really get her and shit. They liked her better. She was like the good kid. They knew the Bulgis knew that she stole. I don't think they cared that much. But they knew. They knew.

She got in trouble for like two days for taking some stuff. But I might be one of like... So what was the trouble? Did she get grounded? Yeah. We didn't really get that grounded. We just got like we couldn't use the phone or something. I'm not talking about you.

I'm talking about her. She got... I'm trying to make it about you. God. My sister's a good person, and she's a very... Well, a thief. Well, she got... Every kid has a little bit of a stealing phase.

I was a goody-two-shoes. So she got her little... That was it. She got nothing really happened to her because my parents knew she was good. Shit, just like makeup and like some clothing. Nothing crazy, no money. Well, what ended the stealing?

Did she learn a lesson? Did the parents discipline her? Like, how does stealing just stop like COVID? I don't... I think she just grew out of it. What? Wow. What? Sorry, go ahead. Go ahead.

Let me taste your hand. Let me taste your hand. Should I? Did you lick that one? Well, you said you like it. Yeah, see, it tastes like nothing. Well, now I'm insulted. That's a long arm. That is a long arm. That's a long lick. I mean, to taste something that long to taste like nothing? No, there's a bit of...

Baconator. That's a really good answer. I'm tasting a little. So now you finally... Now I finally... You see how I came a whole circle to all the way around. Came all the way around. Is Bulgis a good word?

Is that a good term for Bulgarians? The Balgis? What's the, like Canadians, we have Kanak. I don't think there's anything. Are you guys the Bulgis? Yeah, because there's like Balkans, but that's not Bulgarians. So Balgis is, is that insulting? Did I just make that up?

You might have. It might be a newbie. I need water after that. Dry. You have a dry penis. You put some lotion on that. Johnson and Johnson. I think we have to end the show now.

Vaseline. I don't think you have time for any more of these comments. Ladies and gentlemen, will you please tell them where they can see you, where you can see her new Netflix special, when, where, how, this is your moment's social media. Let them have it, kid. June 24th on Netflix, it's called Filth Queen.

It was produced by all things comedy. Bill Burr does a cameo in it, So you need to fucking watch it. Oh, wow. Even if you don't like me, just turn it on and leave it on. I don't care. June 24th on Netflix. Oh, here she comes, ready to finger the world.

I am. There's some fingering jokes. And are you going on tour? Yeah, I'm on tour a bunch. Follow me on Instagram at Steph Tolev. That's it. Oh, well, Steph, thanks for being here today. Hey, thanks for having me.

Wow. Music stopped perfectly. Abrupt. It's almost like the music wanted us the hell out of here. Yeah, I've got to go. Yeah, I got to go, too. Until next time. everybody. You've been on the

Hall of Highway podcast with Steph Tollef. Until next time, chicken chowmaine, baby. You like it too much. Stop. It's my own arm. Pee. Arm. My arm. Sure.

Hey, everybody. How would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday. It's your anniversary at your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh you get to pick the topic you want me to discuss give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to camio dot com and i record a custom video made just for you or your loved one your very own personalized harland