The Harland Highway - TAYLOR WILLIAMSON- Comedian and sleep paralysis survivor!

Episode Date: February 6, 2024

Comedian Taylor Williamson talks lot lizards, swingers, and auditions to be the next mole man!  See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right. Let's get ready to do the podcast here. Test, test, test. Test, test. Everything's in place. Harlan, did you remember to take your magic mind today? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Look at this.

I got my magic mind kit. it right here and uh gotta tell you this stuff it is uh you drink this stuff and it just sort of like cleanses your mind it gives you like kind of that that purity that focus and uh holy god yes i did have my magic mind today and uh we are going to kick ass on this podcast um people got to try this stuff are you going to try it yeah okay Um, well, good. I'm, I'm squared away with my magic mind. And, uh, let's get our guest in here and kick this sucker off. You want to go get the guest? Yeah. You're riding down the Harland Highway.

All right. Hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Do you ever say that? Chuckie cheese pizzeria? I have, I have, I probably have said that in my life. Like when you're mad? or when you're just for fun, like, or in bed? Do you ever yell it out when you're making love? Yes, not in bed.

You don't make love in bed? I, not when I yell out, Chuckie Cheese Pizzeria. That's usually a Chuckie Cheese when I'm making love. You've made love of Chuckie Cheese? Wow, which robot? Please don't stop. Keep it going, lover. Right?

Yeah, I think I saw you. at the one in Bakersfield. I messed up. I put myself inside the mouth and I didn't know it clams. Oh, God. Those rodent teeth. You can wear cans or not.

It's up to you, bro. And push that near your sweet, sweet pie hole. Like that is that it? Whatever you want or whatever's comfy, cozy for you. And we can start now or we can sit for a minute and just, you know, feel the energy or we can meditate, we can make noises with our nasal passages. There's so weird noises.

I'm sorry. Yeah, that was weird. It was like, k, k. Does that like Morris Code? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was saying I'm happy to be here. Thank you for having me. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Thank you. Folks, Taylor Williamson is here. Wow. I speak Morris Code. No one does that. It's antiquated, they say, but I don't. Yeah.

and just not for me but for them yeah could you just tell them what antiquated means and i look i know but not them not johnny asparagus there's carol lasagna lips and billy tomato soup twat yeah he's he watches wow could you just tell them i know what antiquated means i know big words but they don't you could just explain it to them well it's essentially the word is like things that are out of date perhaps like antiquated means it's out of date I could be wrong about this definition I'm very stressed that I'm using the word improperly honestly no like antique right antique means old so antiquated means old it's old it's out of date so it's like antique yeah antiquated just means old like when you go to antique store you don't

find anything new right you're not going to find a new vibrator or a new butt plug you're going to find it they used one in an antique store right you've never bought one of those at like larry's antiques down on melrose or anything no no no I always buy them new you buy you buy them new all the antique ones are better because they're a lot cheaper wow I never yeah sometimes they're more expensive though because they were owned by like Abraham Lincoln or something yeah Abraham Lincoln's vibrator hey but they were they hurt though because they're like made out of wood you know yeah they didn't have they didn't have batteries in those days they had to hand crank them no they know what they They had Mexican jumping beans inside.

Oh, wow. Yeah, those are a real thing. Yeah. People don't realize Mexican jumping beans are real. It sounds offensive and it sounds like you're just saying something terrible. Wow. Yeah. It's real.

Can I tell you where I saw them recently? That was Morris Code again. Yeah, what was that? Who are you reaching out to? Who are you Morris Coding, by the way? Was Johnny Appleseed? Who's this? Oh, okay.

He watches this, yeah. Yeah. So, wait, you saw some Mexican jumping beans? Tucson Airport Wow They're just selling them They're just a stack of them Oh

They just they come in a bin Like you get your own And put them in a bag You can buy like There's like there's a bin I don't know if they're like Hey we got I don't know if no one's buying them

Or if people keep buying them They keep filling them to the top What do you think? I don't know But whatever it is Sounds like you stumbled on a bean Good for you But they got a bunch of like

Live animals inside Yeah there's like a larvae right Like an insect larva inside, right? Something like that. But eventually they die. Yeah. But I think, isn't it, you heat them up in your hand. Is that how it works?

You hold them in your palm. And then the larvae inside the bean, the heat causes them to get restless. And then you put them on the table and they start jumping. Isn't that how they work? That's what my father used to do to me. What? Yeah. Talk to me, guy.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Run us through it. So you were in a bin. I was in a bin, I laugh when I'm sad, you know, it's typical, typical. To reverse psychology, trigger reaction. You cry at a wedding. Yeah.

And you laugh at a funeral or when your father holds you in his hands. Wow. Didn't crush me, but shook it up a little bit. Yeah, he heated you up. Heeded me up. And then he let me out and then I jump around. Wow. Yeah, that's where the song came from.

Jump around? Yeah. I get paid every time if someone says that. Really? Yeah. Are you the one that does that scream? Yeah. Your dad had strong hands, too, I read on Google.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. There's a thing on Google about your dad's hands, apparently very strong. What did he do? He was a librarian. Yeah, lifting all those books. That'll do it. Callist hands, I heard he had, too, and lots of paper cuts.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Some people thought he wrestled mountain lions. He had so many paper cuts. Is that true? This is on Google, guy. This isn't me. And you use Canadian Google? Google.

Google. Oh, no. Dot car? Ka? Or, oh, CA. Ka. It's not Google. That's not Canadian.

That's Google for crows. Oh. Yeah, it's pronounced Google. Dot. Kha! I didn't know that. Yeah. Crows are smart birds.

Second to owls. Owls are wise, but crows are internet savvy. Wow. Yeah, Google got. Ka! Wow. This is such an educational program. Well, you know what I like?

I feel like we're working in tandem here, which is good because you educated them. Yes. On what antiquated was. Right. And then we shared our knowledge on Mexican jumping beans. Yes, respectfully. And then I educated you on Google.com. So it's kind of like, it's been a real group of knowledge thing here.

This is like, this is like PBS. It's like socialist PBS. Yeah. That's how I would describe your show. Pubus. Have you gone through it yet? No, when is that usually happen? How old are you?

37. You got about two years. Okay. So you're still bald. Yeah. I hit it about three months ago. A muzzle tub. Yeah, I was drinking one of those when it happened.

And I was making love and my voice cracked. I was like, yeah, I just went right into puberty. Wow, usually people, they become a man first. I know. Wow, so she took advantage of you. Yeah, Pinocchio syndrome. Yeah. Pinocchio syndrome.

She thought I was a wooden boy. She probably got you at an antique store and thought you were a sexual device. Yeah, yeah. Wooden, I don't know. Yeah, we better hit this before we get in this trouble. Ladies and gentlemen. God. Welcome to the show. We have a hilarious comedian, writer. Is there anything that I don't know about you that I should be saying in the credit? I was in Canada last week. Taylor Williamson, a writer, comedian, was in Canada. What part of Canada?

Calgary, Alberta, Canada? Calgary, yeah. Negative 40 degrees. I've ever experienced that in my lifetime. Yeah, it's pretty interesting because when you walk outside, you can feel your feet start to freeze almost right away. It's, yeah. And did you spit? Did you spit when you were in the...

No, is that a thing? Yeah, because it's like half freezes before it hits the ground. Oh, I didn't do that. Yeah, it makes like ice bullets. Like if you see ants, ice ants, they have ants in the winter up there and you can just like,

and you can kill the ice ants. By the way, that was the theme music just in case. I love it. Did you play that yourself? Or is there a live band here? No, there's a live band. Oh. Some shows like Craig Ferguson didn't have a live band.

Yeah. You got one. Cheap. My live band's just off to the, just outside of the camera 2, 3, 7, and 9, and 12. Wow. And camera 16, 14, and 23. They're just off to the side of those cameras. Yeah.

Just if somehow they just tilted a little. If cameras could move, if they were alive like Christine, the car from Stephen King, they could turn and you could see the live band. Yeah, great band. Daddy's got ginger vitus again. Great. They play blues. They do the theme.

Really? Yeah. All original work. Yeah. 12, 12-piece band. Three drummers. You're going to laugh. Maybe.

It's not the theme song for you. But what kind of, are they all, like. Yeah. Classic rock drum sets. I don't know what the, I play piano. Yeah, classic kettle drums. They just play kettle drums. Do you have a piano player?

I play piano. Yeah. You already have one. I have one. We wouldn't want you. Well, do you have a piano you could bring up next time? It's hard to transport it, but I got a piano. Well, maybe go visit Captain Kirk and get a transporter.

You know him? Maybe I don't. Maybe I never will. Can I tell you? Yeah. Yes, I've been waiting for this. Go, what were you going to say? It's a bad word you're not supposed to say.

I love bad words, and I want you to say them. But I'm quoting a Canadian. Bring it. So when I was in Canada, when I got there, it was negative 40, it's before, you know, the gates to like, they're not the gates, but the door, they open, you know, a door. The gates to Canada? The gates to Canada.

I'm out of customs. Oh, okay. But then the door, then you're outside. I think that was a bit misleading because you almost made it feel like you walk up to Canada and there's a giant gate. Like remember when they approached the Emerald Palace at the Wizard of Oz? Yeah. And they open that little.

What do you want? This is Canada. It's like that, but it's just the doors that open. Okay. So what happened? So I'm using a word I would never use, but I'm quoting Canadian. Yeah.

Go for it. We're sharing. So I saw a guy, he got off the plane, shorts on, walks outside. No big deal. Yeah. I said this Canadian guy. I'm like, what do you call people like that? And he goes, retards.

Really? Yeah. The R word. Yeah. How did that make you feel? I laughed a lot. You did? I don't, I don't laugh at it.

He said, I was, it was shocking that he said that, but it was funny, but it's not appropriate, and shame on him. Well, is it not appropriate? Is it not appropriate? Because that's what we've been programmed to say. Now, listen, it's not a nice thing. Right. It may be offensive. but who is anyone to say what's appropriate or not appropriate?

If someone wants to say it, then that's who they are. You know what I mean? Yeah. I think we've all been trained a bit too much. And what that boils down to me is some people get it. They're courteous. They're sensitive. Most people are.

Yeah. But every now and then you get people that expose themselves for who and what they are. And don't you really want to know who people are? Yeah. So to me it's not inappropriate. It's just like, oh, that's who that's. guy is. That's what he said. We're all human beings. Words are words. Language is language. He let it rip. And that's life. Nobody died. Maybe a few people were offended, but I think the guy who walked

out with shorts on probably died from hypothermia. Well, that's true. 40 below. Yeah. You're right. You win this round. But he didn't, yeah, but he was outside. But you got to remember in Canada, because so much of the year is cold, Canadians do a lot more things in summerwear, shorts, even flip-flops, like all year long. You got to remember, sometimes it goes down to 70, 80 below. And so Canadians, they'll, hey, what, it's, it's, it's not 50 below, get the shorts, you know what I mean?

Like, I'm not kidding, when it gets to be spring in Canada, Yeah. Spring for people in Kent could be 60, 50 degrees. They'll put on a T-shirt and shorts, and it's like, they love it. I sold more tickets in negative 40 weather than I've sold in years. Wow. Like in Los Angeles, as you know, if it sprinkles, no one goes outside. Yeah.

People bought tickets, they don't show up. Yeah. Negative 40 degrees. Everyone's just like, yeah. Yeah. I was just in Austin, Texas this weekend doing Joe Rogan's Club. The Comedy Mothership, and they had a record break. They declared a weather emergency because it got down to freezing.

So, with 32. Right. They declared a weather emergency. And I'm thinking in Canada, I've been walking around in minus 70. Canadians drive around. They wear shorts. It's ridiculous. Yeah.

So God bless those hearty Canadians. I wish I was one. Have you turned your back on Canada? No, I'm a Canadian. I was just testing them. See if they'd abandoned their old friend. Are you not an American now? I'm both.

Can you do that? I'm dual. I speak Canadian and American. Watch this. I'll talk to you in Canadian. Yeah. How's it going? How's the weather?

Oh, it's pretty nice outside. How do you feel about that? I think it's a lovely evening. And then I'll answer an American. Yeah, it is. pretty nice out um yeah a little little foggy but it's okay yeah i'm bilingual that was a morse code for yeah i'm i'm just break i've never been so aware of the weird noises that my yeah normally i just live my life and people just go along with it but you give

me a look of like it makes me reflect i appreciate that well it's you're almost you're like right at the edge of being a mole person you know those people that live of underground and eat roots and worms. Yeah. Like the noises you're making are right at the cusp of mole person. Yeah. Underground mole person. Can I be honest?

I'm trying to get cast on one of your cartoons. Really? I'm trying to show you the voices I can do. Let's hear one. Well, I just said mole person. Mole person. Yeah, I've kind of like noises. Yeah.

Yeah. How would mole person talk, though? We got, you got the noise, but what would the voice sound like? That's, we're going to audition you. Okay. Is this a real audition? This is real. Like, I'll do it if this is real.

Yeah. Taylor Williamson, reading for part of mole person and action. Hey, guys, I'm a mole person. I live on the ground and I'm a mall, but I'm a person. Can you give it a little more bravado, a little more internalized? And this is Taylor Williamson, mole person, and take two. Hello, I'm a mold person. I don't know what provado really means.

So here's what I have. Okay, great. We're going to be in touch. And there's the door. Fuck off. Whoa. I didn't mean that last part. Was that Canadian?

Yeah, I was a Canadian fuck off. But I'll give you the American one, too, just so we're clear. Fuck off. Oh, wow. Well, you need both so you understand. It's hard to tell. I was on the spot there because it's bravado and internalized. And I'm like, I was just like, those two things are just, I don't know how to apply those to.

That's why voice work is tricky. You know, people, do you do voices, like for real? I audition for them and then I don't get. It's a, it is such a cleaky world. I've always described it as cleaky. It's so cliquy because I got into it just because I have kind of a peculiar voice. like people say I have a drawl and I talk a little so I sort of stumbled into the voice world yeah and I've had the opportunity to do a lot of stuff but I've noticed every show I've ever done

it's 80% of the same group of about 20 30 people men and women clicky what'd you say you say you said clique key but what'd you say I said cliquey back to you because I thought it was a funny word Oh, how do you say it? I said clicky. What did you say? They all heard cleaky. Cleaky, isn't that it? Maybe in Canadian.

Oh, that's... But it might... It is. In Canada, it's cleaky. Here it's clicky. God. But yeah, it's the same people. And these people do the same voice.

Like, one guy does like three voices. Oh, yeah. But it's all like the guy who does SpongeBob. Yeah. Like every, almost every cartoon I've ever done, he's done one of the voices. The guy that does, you know, what's that one, adventure time? Yeah.

It's like, you see the same girls and guys that, like, it's a real tight, hard group to break into. Yeah. I think a lot of people think it's probably easier to break into getting acting and, like, TV and movie roles than it is to get into the voice world. Wow. It's tough. Yeah, I remember I had some good stuff going on a few years ago,

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Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I'd be doing all these auditions all the time. I ask, can I get offers? and then she was like very like offended kind of and she's like telling me the famous people she works with who are all day sending in auditions for oh so it's like Taylor you're not some hot shit because of you're doing whatever like we have like huge comedians and actors who are

sending the demo yeah and I think it's criminal yeah I've been to auditions where I'll be sitting there and I'm like oh this is an interest this would be fun to get and I'll be sitting there and all of a sudden someone Uber famous will walk in and I just go, I'm offended. I go, what are the rest of us doing here? You know what that guy's capable of. Yeah.

Just give it to him. Like I was at a thing once and Kramer walked in from Seinfeld. It's like some comedy part in a sitcom. We're sitting there. Everyone's like, oh, I wonder if I'll get it. Kramer walks in, signs in, like he's just an out-of-work actor.

And I'm like, I even went up to the, the lady at the thing, I said, when I finished, I was so mad. I couldn't keep my mind. I walked right up until I said, just give it to him. Like, I'm not even joy. I said, that's the guy, that's Kramer. Yeah. Do you not know what kind of comedy that guy has in his toolbox?

He's a master. Yeah. And you're going to humiliate him and make him do this dance and then probably not even give it to him. Yeah. I went in for a sketch show once. You're getting me all fired up, man. I love it.

I love it. You remember kids in the hall. of all, the sketch show. Yeah. They sort of transformed sketch comedy, right? It was Second City, Saturday Night Live, and then kids in the hall came along. And they were innovative and cutting edge.

And everyone sort of said they sort of transformed the sketch comedy scene. And I went into audition for a sketch comedy show. And, you know, it's like, you know, go in. There's like 20 guys, girls. We're all sitting around waiting for a chance to go audition. And it walks Kevin McDonald, one of the main cast members from kids in the hall. And I knew them because being from Kenna, I actually used to do warm up for kids in the hall back in the day. How cool.

Yeah, I was even an extra in one of the scenes. This was before I was known at all. And I just went, this is one of, this is like if John Cleese walked in and you wanted to audition for a sketch show. one of the founding members of Monty Python or Martin Short from Second City or you don't make these guys audition, but that's the cruel, humbling side of Hollywood that, you know, you think you're getting somewhere. You think you're going upstairs and they always just make you crawl and beg, you know? Yeah. It's tough. Yeah. How many years have you done stand up? I've done stand up. Oh, man, I think I've been doing it.

Coming close to 30 years. Wow. You are, you, I truly, I truly believe this. I think you're the funniest standup that's alive on the planet. What? Would you say that there's somebody, there's nobody else that makes me laugh like you do, and there's no one else that I rush in to watch. Dude, wow.

Thank you. Holy smokes. That's for 20 years and I'm just like, I get it. People are funny, and I'm like, okay, whatever. But like, every time I want to watch you. Do you disagree? Am I wrong? Well, I'd be, I'd be a moron to sit here and say,

yes, I'm the funniest. So I have no way to know. But then you're calling me, you're calling me a moron by saying I'm incorrect then. Oh, yeah. As a Canadian, I feel like that's. That's impolite. Yeah.

I'll just say, I'll leave it at this. Thank you for one of the nicest compliments I've ever heard. But that's not for me to decide. I don't know what I am. I just know I, I put it out and whatever people think they think. But that was unbelievably nice. Thank you.

Do you want me to a list of people who have died who I think are funnier than you? Yeah. Make it a bit easier. Yeah, please. George Herbert Walker Bush. George, oh, the senior? Yeah.

George Bush, the ex-president. Yeah, yeah, hilarious. Yeah. Thank God he's dead or I would have been knocked out a contention as the number one guy. Thank God he's dead. Tupac? Tupac.

One of the, his raps, it was like listening to, I don't know, silly symphonies or just hilarious, comedic, the comedic verbiage that he put together. Like, funnier than, like, Ice T's hilarious, but not on the same level as M&M's, like sort of ha-ha hilarious, but Tupac and Snoop.

Snoop Dog, sort of, ha, ha, ha, you know, laugh out loud, gut. But, but, yeah, Tupac, you can hardly breathe when that guy rapped. I don't know. Snoop Dog was still alive. This is awkward. You're the second funniest person alive that I, like. Wait, Tupac's not alive. Snoop Dog's still alive, I forgot.

Oh, yeah. But you're the second funny. Second, okay, so it's Snoop Dog, them, me. Yeah, I won't even argue that. Yeah. Dude, I won't argue that. You know what? that sort of puts it in perspective for me because I agree like when I come home after a long

day working at Home Depot and aisle 7 the sprinkler aisle and then at the night shift I'll do the grass seat aisle but well I respect in the honest day's work but yeah I'll put in a hard day's work and you know you got to come home you how do I unwind like you know maybe you pet your dog that's therapeutic maybe you'll have a cigar maybe you'll make an omel But what I do, I'll just put the beats on, sit on the couch, listen to about two, three hours of Snoop Dog and just fucking howl. Like a laugh my head off. That laughter just, it breaks up a tough day.

Yeah. I'm glad you brought it up because is he one of your favorite funniest rappers or? He's the funniest people. Is the funniest man or women alive? Yeah. So funny. It's from Long Beach. It's that Long Beach.

It's in the water. Is it? Yeah. Something in the water. Ian Bag? He's from Canada. I think he lives. Yeah.

Ian Bag. He lives in Long Beach. I don't know if I'm giving away addresses. No, I'd love to put his address out. Am I doxing him? No, let's put it out. I think I, hang on. Ian Bagg, 1-2755, Danforth Street, apartment 12.

Long Beach, California. Zipcode 9703-2. Hit him up. do whatever is that bad should we cut that part out no he's called sharing

he's famous now it's good it's good press they love that it's like it's like you know they say no press is bad press any press is

pressed orange do you no press is bad press yeah will you give away my address sure I think I have it here okay

you're still in Melrose yeah 572 Melrose Boulevard right of from pink's hot dogs by Libreya 10 and key is under the little rock by the gate it's not supposed to tell them that part well okay I got to change my locks when is this there or you could just move the key I could just sell my house now I would sell the house and maybe get a

new house and put a rock at the end and put it under put a key under it what if I put it upside on pineapple can i tell you what i learned about in what the hell talk to me here we go hang in calgary albara canada you know what they taught me just hit just hit a whenever you hit a key thing like upside down pineapple go the show just started now well is it kind of shendowed yeah what do you got for me that means what do you think it means if you have an upside down pineapple outside your house or at the grocery store you'll walk around with an upside Pineapple. This is not hijinks. This is real. Yeah, this is real. An upside down pineapple in Calgary.

Yeah. I'm going to say either really bad hemorrhoids or you ran over a frozen cat? What is it? It means you're a swinger, buddy. Hey, what now? A swinger. It means you make love to people who are not your wife. did you did you jump in no but i i so there's a lot of swingers up there

at my show like i talked to one person on the thursday show then every show i'm like anyone swingers every show there's at least seven people who are like and they're not even smiling they're just like yeah wait were you was this show at the black foot in yeah you're kidding me the laugh shop yeah i did a show there like oh god years ago me and tom green did a show up there together

yeah you did i saw the sign no doubt they had the same No joke, they had the signs. I know, we did it. And I had no word of a lie. I was walking to my room one night in between shows because you do two shows. The showroom's right in the hotel. I stayed at the Ritz Carlton, but I understand they have some, some comedians stay inside the hotel. It's convenient.

I get it. It's convenient. It's not a great hotel. I have to take a limo to Toronto every night to get the Ritz Carlton. It's a schlep. You're living good. Yeah. But I was walking back to my room in the hallway.

this gorgeous woman, like beautiful, like Playboy Bunny-esque. Yeah. And I guess her boyfriend or husband, who was a very handsome man. Yeah. And we sort of, she was like,

hi, how you doing? And I stopped. I was like, oh, hey, how you doing, you know,

what's going on? I said, oh, I'm doing the showdown. Yeah, we recognize you. And I was like, what are you guys up to?

Oh, we're here for the swingers thing. And I went, what? You go upstairs. I have like a ballroom thing. And it's a swingers convention. If you'd like to hang out later, what time you've done your show?

And I was like, now she was stunning. Yeah. If I could have got rid of Lord Galahad, I would have like, but I couldn't do it in front of another dude. Could you? Have you? You have. No, I've had the opportunities.

I see it in your eyes. I've had opportunities, but it's like, I've had like the dudes who offer that. I mean, I've had girls offered, too. I've turned down threesomes with men and women in different situations. Really? Not like all day, but in my lifetime. In your life. Yeah, there was, like, this is one comedy club.

Like, guys are, like, just guys. I mean, gay guys are guys, and they're just, like, they don't care, you know? Oh, two guys wanted to have a threesome with you? I've had two guys. I did show in, like, Palm Springs, and I used to have jokes that people think I'm gay. It was in my act. Right. And I referenced how I'm not gay in my act.

But then afterwards, these guys are hitting on me. You know, in my act sounds a lot like in my ass. And that could have been. Maybe that's what happened. Yeah, you might want to. But guys. Guys are such pigs, like every guy, all of us, you know? So, like, oh, he says he's not gay.

That's code for he's gay. Oh. He says he doesn't want to have sex with me. That means he probably wants to have sex with me. Like, guys can always spin it, you know? Whoa. And did they spin you? So the guys, they said, they're hitting on me.

Like, we just got married. And I was like, oh, I said, like, no, I'm not interested. Like, are you guys married? They all anyways. Oh, no. Yeah, it's cool. Wait, two married gay guys? gay guys are trying to take me to the room and then i was like didn't you see why i talked about how i'm not gay on stage i'm being silly i'm not like yeah i'm not gay didn't you pay attention you know yeah and then um and then they go come on you stand on stage like you're a tinkerbell and i'm like oh okay and then they invited me then one time i was at a comedy club in texas that will not be named this is servers and they were telling me they they both had a list of uh all the comedians that they've slept with uh they showed me the list gay guys the woman these are ladies oh wow they both had a list they both had a list of uh

list of cleanings they slept with separately and together and then they offered me to join the list and i was just like no this is terrifying i don't be on a list what's i on the list i don't believe so i probably wouldn't be telling the story if i ever called that but you could have been were you on the list i'm asking you no i don't call damn it but it was it was it's weird yeah say like get away from me both like i just well i see it kind of turning down the guys if you're not a fly boy but why'd you turn down the girls i wasn't attracted to them and then also i don't ever heard of a light switch because all the ugly flies out the door as soon as that light goes off oh i thought you were saying you turn up the lights so high that your eyes get hurt

burn your rods and cones sure you can do that literally blind yourself or just turn the lights off well it might be a little bit easier more recent opportunities just go out in the lawn They are into the sun. Okay, I'm ready. Where are you? Well, Palm Springs, you've got to be careful because you could be pumping gas and you'll get invited into a gay threesome.

I mean, that's like gay central now, isn't it? Like Palm Springs, that's where they do all the pride stuff. So much so that they had the term, this guy, like, he said, like, yeah, because I told the story to someone who worked there, and he's like, yeah, he's talking about a lot of gay people there, and he's like, yeah, the pink dollar goes, very far out here. I was like the pink dollar, but that's like a classy term they used to describe

like gay people economy. It's also a pancake dish at I-ha. And I'm never ordering it again. I wondered why the syrup was white for that one. Oh, is it? Oh, no. You should call them up and complaining like a free one. Well, I don't want a free one. I just told you. I don't want the pink dot. Is that what it was called? Pink dollar. pink silver dollar pink silver dollar pancake i met uh i have a lawyer friend and uh you're probably like a lawyer friend it's the best thing to have is he a swinger he uh he might be okay but like he like it's like so i had a friend who like he he went to some uh fast food restaurant i forgot what it was yeah and he bit into his burger and there's a bone in it and his his crown got loose so i was like

let me call my lawyer friend to see it's i'm curious how this stuff works you know yeah because um uh and uh because he says he's like i contacted them and they sent him some coupons and like that's it yeah and i was like i have a lawyer like i'm not looking to like hey just take them now but i'm curious you know and the lawyer guy says that uh they had because there would be no case why because um bone is a possible thing to be in meat like if they have their best intention something like that was it a chicken patty or a beef patty it's a beef patty so bone is part of the equation. Yeah, something like that.

So, like, if there's glass, that's bad news. But if it's a, yeah, so, yeah. I got, I went one night after doing a gig down here in Hollywood, I went to Taco Bell. And I got the, you know, the burrito. And it's all that soft, mushy, like, hamburger meat that we love. And I bid into it, and there was a bone.

But it wasn't like, it wasn't like a, like a tibia or a femur, like a long, thin bone. it was like some kind of joint bone where it had the thing and then there was something going to like almost like the back of your pelvis or something like it branched off and it almost looked like a bird skull

and I just didn't eat Taco Bell for like probably three or four days no a few years few years can I say once I went to KFC oh here we go I don't want to I don't bring it

I can lose a sponsor no no they're on board they're on board but I bit into it a chicken leg and there was a bone in it. Come on. Yeah. Oh, God.

It was like long and it was all the way through the leg? Oh, God. Yeah. You poor thing. Did you break any teeth? I don't want to make it sad. I know this is like a silly show, but these are all veneers. Wow.

But I got them to be slightly crooked so they seem natural. Yeah. You know, they offer you that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You can get anything nowadays. I, similar story. I don't want to steal your thunder.

No, please. I went to KFC ones, bit into, like, a big, fat chicken breast. And there was fucking skin all over it, like crispy brown, golden. I think to me, I'm not a cook, but I could swear I detected, like, at least 11 herbs and spices in that skin. It was broke my chip three of my teeth. I'm so sorry. Yeah. I'm so sorry.

Yeah. Well, I'm sorry for you, too. You know what I like when I have a guest When we have things in common Because then it's not just a podcast It's like a bonding Yeah And what's interesting is veneers bond

Yeah And we're bonding Whoa No it's just This is like Sympatico Combiessence If we had Pierce Broson here

You pierced your what If Pierce Broson was here Talking about his veneers Oh my God What if Benvereen was here talking about his veneers Veneer's veneers Sounds like a window shop

Down on Melrose Melrose 2409 Melrose Boulevard Ben Veneers Veneers You know gang We have Taylor Williamson here And what a delight Can I tell you what a do Before we get into anything else

This cat does comedy You originally know him from I think the world got introduced to you on America's Got Talent And you married Heidi Kloom for a few years And then that fell off But now you have a new stand-up comedy special I want to get it out Because what happens with my podcast

Most people dump out They bail out after about four or five minutes So let's get this promo out Because we got a ways to go I should have left I'm sorry, I did it wrong. No, no, it's okay. I do a nice long run, but most people leave wisely.

But tell us about your comedy special, and we're circle back around to getting slammed in Palm Springs. So, yeah, I was runner up on America's Got Talent. Yeah. And one time I was at a burger shop, and then you told me you watched it, and it was so special to me. Yeah, yeah. I don't even recall that, but that was a big deal to me.

Why don't we really know each other? Yeah, that's right. I was just like, Colin Williams just told me at a burger shop. I remember, yeah. It was really cool. and then um you did really well on that show meant the world to me and uh and uh and so i got runner up and then uh and then uh and then i and then i then uh then now i have a stand-up comedy special yeah my favorite jokes it's called taylor williamson live at the comedy store yeah it's on

youtube dot com okay and uh is it free where they go for free okay watch it for free it's my favorite jokes and uh if you watch till the end there's a clip of me doing my first time on stage when i was 17 so it's cute a little cutness at the end yeah cute teaser yeah so but you can't skip to the you can't skip to the end by it's rude if you do yeah don't do that but i i would love it if uh people people watch it and then subscribe to your channel too right yeah tell a friend you know oh share with your friend it makes a difference it's really nice people what's the name of it taylor williamson live at the comedy store live at the comedy store and i'm on and social media at taylor comedy if you just Taylor comedy.

It was links to all the things, you know? That's, uh... Dude, how long is this special an hour? I did 30-ish minutes. Okay. I was just like, you know, I thought about doing an hour, uh, self-financed especially, you know, and I'm just like, it's like confusing because like, should I do an hour, a half hour?

I feel like I'm reintroduce, in sincerity, I make, I'm in this for 20 years. I feel like I'm reintroducing myself to people like this is who I am. Okay. I've had this America's Got Talent fan base for a long time. I'm grateful for that. Yeah. I want to reach Harlan and Williams. fans, you know, all these special artists, I want to get a whole different thing.

Yeah. So I'm like, let me just say, hey, you're 30 minutes, see if you like me, and then come see me on the road if you do. That's smart. I'm on tour and stuff. I don't know if I did it right or wrong. I think you did it right, because I think because of TikTok and Instagram, people have a much shorter attention span.

I think people are less willing to dedicate more time to things now. Yeah. I think a half hour is a good sweet spot. Yeah. And I think when I hopefully get a big fan base again, then that's when I get. give out hours, maybe, you know, or sell hours ideally, you know? Yeah, maybe. I don't know, but me, maybe the game now is a half hour, uh, stand up and then every

year and a half, a half hour crowd work special. Like, I'm not even kidding. Like, yeah, yeah, just like, give people what they want and, like, don't go crazy. I don't think a new hour every year is necessary. It's, it's really, but I, I have this thing that I know, I would imagine you have, I'm just assuming. What? But like, like, like, uh, it's just artistic integrity, you know?

Like, a lot of people are putting on specials. every yeah yeah yeah more than once a year and it's madness because but a lot of standups and they're not wrong for this this time period we're in where it's content yeah yeah yeah people I talk to her really killing it they're like don't ever think we post content content doesn't matter how good it is just content content oh wow and I'm like it should matter how good it is especially stand a special so like not to be all dramatic but this is my favorite jokes and like I'm really proud of it good but I want to only put out stuff like that for stand up yeah I agree with a clip is a clip but I still care too much

about those, you know, but... And here's the other thing, as we dip deeper into this technological AI world, I think everything we put out is going to have a second, third, fourth, fifth life. Like, I think long after you're gone, any comic or entertainer, musician, actor, was any bit of notoriety.

And as any type of fan base, I think they're going to be reinventing all of us as digital images and digital characters. and, like, I think we're just at the beginning. So I think we have an existence. Our creativity will live on in perpetuity as we go forward. Wow. Yeah.

I think so. I mean, I don't know if you just saw dudesy just put out a George Carlin special. Yeah. You know. It made me sad. It did. It actually made me sad. I love Will.

I'm not judging him for it's his thing, you know? You just didn't think you didn't agree with what it was? I clicked on it, and it made me very sad. uncomfortable and sad. Really? Well, I'll say this. I watch some of it, and it's still as advanced as it is, like, holy shit, it's still not as refined as it's going to be.

Right. This is brand-known. So there's going to be a day, and I don't think it's going to be that much farther than where we are now, where a George Carlin special that's sort of not perfect, has a lot of imperfections, will one day be probably indiscernible from the real. thing and maybe then it'll be something you'll like more but my point is that someday it's going be you and me yeah and so you either got to embrace it and hope for it to get better or then as we just talked about you know bad stuff will get out and they'll put something out that's sort of

half-assed of you and me well what's funny is like my ego is like I hope they never do that for me but then if I'm like if I'm in heaven or however I am oversea I'm like didn't put me in I'm not like being ripped off no one there's no podcast that's using my dead dead comedy career you know what I mean yeah well I'm not suggesting that we get ripped off I think we will arrive in a place just the same way now you get royalties if they play your bits on on satellite radio or terrestrial radio yeah we get royalties just like musicians do if their songs played I think when all this stuff stuff sort of starts to form and come together, anything they play in perpetuity, that money's

probably going to go somewhere. We're probably going to have to will it. We're going to have to add an amendment to our wills that, hey, anything made in the next 7,000 years, give it to the World Wildlife Federation, give it to children with no legs, give it to, you know, whoever, like, or give it to my family members, give it to my kids and then they get to pass it on, or give it to comedy school you know what i mean so i think we're you know look at elvis elvis has been gone what 40 years and he makes millions and millions of dollars every year and this is pre-a-i right just off his image his songs his music his likeness i mean that he makes more money than most musicians in a year and he's been gone 40 years so i think that's

going to happen to us because it's so much easier now. You can make a Taylor Williamson special with the press of a button and it'll make one in probably 45 seconds. Yeah. Have you gone into the AI and said, tell me a Harlan William's joke in this style. Yeah, I did it at Howie's studio. Howie has the little, I talked about it on this podcast and it did it. And it did a reasonable job. Yeah. I thought it was going to be a two. Yeah. It told like, Like four jokes with a topic I gave it and sort of in my voice. Yeah. It was, I thought it would be a two out of ten, and it was about a six and a half,

seven out of ten. And this is where it's in its infancy. So I'm excited by it. A lot of people are scared by it, but I'm excited by it because let's face it, when you get into show business, one of the things you want, I think one of the secret things we all desire is that instead of just dying and leaving this earth and being a grave service. stone in a graveyard that nobody goes to or remembers, somewhere, somehow will be seen

down the road by decades and decades of people and maybe even make them laugh, maybe even inspire them, you know? I love that. I can I can ruin it for you if you want. I was hoping you would. When I put out my first album, I said to my roommate, Sean Perlman, he's a comedian, writer, guy. And he weighs on a bunch of shows now.

But he says, I said to him, like, do I put out my first albums, like 10 years in? I was like, do I do my best stuff or my B-sides I'm retiring? You know, like, you know what I'm saying? Like, do I retire stuff I don't do anymore? Or do I do my best stuff in case I die tomorrow? This is what lives for the rest of the time. Yeah. So I chose my best stuff, you know, just in case I died tomorrow.

It's my legacy. Yeah. But I'm like, this will live forever. And then he's very next level. and he says, well, maybe Nileus is the word. Maybe antique, he's an antique. That's not the right antiquated. But he goes, yeah, you'll live forever until the earth goes into the sun

and then nothing exists. Right. So I have that struggle with like, yeah, I want to have a legacy. What's my legacy? Then, oh, but also the world's going to end. But they may be one on Mars. Well, that's what you have to, you have to keep imagining that human beings and technology in our existence.

keeps traveling and merging into the future. Like not only Mars, but maybe other planets. Yeah. Or maybe even a manufactured planet. Look at the Death Star and Star Wars. Yeah, no joke. That wasn't a real planet, but it looked like one, and it was a floating community,

and it would probably be safer than a planet because you can control it. You can control the air conditioning and the heating, right? So who's to say, if me and you bounce back here in 4,000 years, that there aren't 7,000 floating planets that were made in Pittsburgh. Right. Or made by Tesla in one of their giant warehouses.

Like they just fabricate the pieces, put it together like an IKEA. Yeah. Turn on the AC and the lights. And whenever they need solar power, they just float closer to the sun, charge the solar panels that are covering the whole enormous thing. And we're in floating cities. thought about this. No,

that just came to me now. But what I'm saying is, no, but why not? Why not? And it's, you know, it's perfectly reasonable to think so.

I mean, if they have a space station that's been floating up there for what, the last 30 years, so what's to say they can't make one that's quadrillionth the size

and, you know, the non-gravity does all the work. You don't have to, once it's up there, you don't have to keep the, you could probably have little rocket boosters that keep it in its orbit. Yeah. And you could fly as close to the sun or as far away as you wanted from the sun to recharge.

Maybe every year it just goes, okay, we're going to charge, charge, charge, and there's, you know. Wow. And there could be, instead of countries, we have floating planets, you know. I mean, there's so much ahead. So whatever your friend said, I respect it, but it's limiting. Right. you there's no there's no barrier to where we can go and what we might become things we haven't even imagined yet yeah like that thought i just gave to you i hadn't imagined it till right now

but someone listening might be going oh screw the little balls floating around we're going to be like there's going to be a giant blob covered with electric icicles and what you know like the stuff that's coming yeah i mean i always say this it's like you know 200, 50 years ago, they were crossing this country in wagons. And now we're in Teslas. 250 years isn't a long time. But if you brought a pioneer back, you know, from one of the wagon trains and dropped them in Central Park or in Times Square today, they'd probably think they were on a galaxy

of a million miles away. Yeah. Electricity, neon cars, phones. Yeah. So anyways. Oh, I love it. Yeah. think people can get really down and scared by all the stuff coming, but I think it can also

just as easily take us to places that we haven't imagined. And you're always going to have a bad existence and a good existence, no matter what it is, you know? Like there'll be bad things. You're like, okay, you know, like today, it's like, oh, there's too much social media, and it's too much input. But somehow it's part of the big picture, I think, you know, like some force, somewhere gave us the ability to do all this and most of us don't understand it at all i think most let's say this is all people i think this many people like this do you do you understand one thing about this no you know you can talk about like i could call the other side of the planet right now yeah on this little box in my hand it's not connected to anything yeah somehow i could call someone in australia right now

I could FaceTime with them they're walking around somewhere what this isn't connected to any look at this how the fuck I know what an iPhone is yeah right none of us know what it's so it's just going to get nuttier and nuttier I can I tell you I love your positive attitude about all this I need that's good energy I think you need it yeah because I talked to was like freaked out what is they're freaked out but you can't stop we're on a we're a snowball rolling down the hill of life. Yeah. And we're not going to go rolling back up. So you might as well get on it and embrace it, you know, and just go for the ride.

And it's going to, it's, there's stuff that's going to be amazing and there's stuff that's going to be shit like always, but that's humanity. Yeah. The question is, do we survive it all? And we have to get out of here because the sun's constantly expanding. The earth's going to burn up in like a few hundred billion years or whatever. This planet's doomed regardless of what we do. Right.

You can't stop the sun. Say a few hundred years? If you thought... No, a billion. A billion. It's like, yeah. But it's rapidly, it's always getting bigger and moving closer. So one day, Earth will just be incinerated.

And people who believe in global warming, well, whatever you think the cause is, guess what, that big ball in the sky is getting closer and expanding. So that could be part of it. But anyhow, and it's like don't be afraid of the unknown because it might bring a trillion great things too I mean AI could be amazing to cure cancer yeah yeah I could get you your first threesome yeah I've turned down those things but can't tell you in so in Calgary here we go there was so a couple and I had the conversation with this couple I was like could be could you

this couple on the side stage I go I'm making very clear I'm like don't be silly they told me the swingers I was like don't do don't do a bit with me just be sincere and we don't have a fun talk but be sincere and then they go oh we have our friend from our swinger

one of our girls we swing with is on the other side and then it's someone behind them that they swing with I'm not joking they just there weren't a lot of swingers swingers they all know each they'll know each other then I go would you swing with me miss and she goes yeah and then I go are you being sincere like yeah and I'm like I don't want him here

respectfully like i prefer he's not there is that okay he's like yeah i got work to do i'm like so we really could swing tonight if you want to she's like yeah and i was like this is weird i can't really but i wasn't attracted to her though she ugly i like the lights on see that's the thing i don't need maybe do it at the motel six they always leave the light on do they have those in canada though yeah yeah by the way you look you don't want to have an orgy at 40 below zero though, maybe for the safety to keep a warrant. I don't know. You're just going to get stuck together.

Did you, were you, did you work in a, like a, I'm not trying to, did you have a job in Canada where you were like in a, like public service of some sorts? Did you work? I'm not going to say were you a mountee that sounds derogatory. Well,

Mountie, swingers. Yeah, I worked as a forest ranger for a while. Yeah. But doesn't it sound like a racist thing to say to a Canadian? Like, hey, were you a forest ranger or something? I don't subscribe to the word racist. People get labeled racist for anything and everything they say to the point where that word has no meaning anymore.

What if you hate short people? You're not racist? No. Because they're not a race. They're just people that are short. What if you hate triathlons? Well, that's, that is a race. Fuck, you got me.

Thank you. Damn it. I am a racist. You hate, you hate triathlons. Fuck. Yeah. I didn't know it. I illuminated you about outer space and you, you, you let me know I'm a racist.

That'll explain, yeah, I was. I think that's, this is why people leave because they find out about this. I should leave. No, I was at one of those, um, 400 meter like the baton passing thing you know when they pass the baton what's that called the you know the 400 meter at the olympics last last time and you were there yeah and i was just like yelling flipping them off and fucking assholes go home run back to where you came from and i went fuck now i realize i'm a racist yeah and some of them have to like they can't run back

because it's a different continent, so it's like extra offensive. Wow. You're telling them to run through water. And some of them might be allergic to water, so that's offensive also. Yeah. You're a piece of shit.

Yeah. Racist piece of shit. Wow. Is it freeing, though, to just acknowledge it? It's sort of as nice that you help me find that, yeah. Really nice. I still care for you, though. You do?

Yeah. I was going to, thank you. I was going to invite you to Boston to run with me in the marathon, though. So I'm not, I feel like that's not going to happen. Yeah, I might need to take some classes or something, like at DeVry to get through my racism. But give me a year. Okay. Give me a year.

And let's look at it in a year. Okay. See if I can get through this. No commitments. It's okay. Yeah. Yeah. Dipping back to this.

technology thing just for a sack yeah because i like that is do you think we're living in a simulation do you buy into this hole we're living in a simulation no but i do have weird things happen and then i have to go this is too weird so i just disassociate from it so i'm like this is like what i mean i mean i get sleep paralysis that's another conversation or the dame you see a demon while you're awake you wake up and there's a demon that's like holding you down and you can't move That's not a conversation. But, like, I'm talking about, like, you think of a song and then it plays on the radio. Hold on.

I don't think we just want to glaze past a demon's holding you down while you sleep. Yeah. Let's uncover that one of that. That's a side subject. Yeah, that's not a side subject. That's Rosemary's baby. How about that? What the hell are you talking about?

You're held down by, so you have been to the motel six. Yeah. Wow. What's this? You know sleep paralysis, yeah? No. I mean, isn't that when you're asleep, aren't you paralyzed anyways? I think so.

It's something to do with all this. You're sleeping. Okay. There's something that when you're sleeping that keeps you from moving or keeps you from sleepwalking. Okay. And then there's something that doesn't happen. So then basically from my understanding of sleep paralysis, I'm wrong. Most of the things I say are slightly incorrect, ranging from slightly incorrect to very incorrect.

So I just want to say I'm not a doctor. Or maybe, maybe not ever talk at all. Wow. Well, I was trying to help you, guy. Oh, you're right. That's why I learned Morse code, honestly. That's it. Yeah.

You should go join the Bush people in the Bushmen in Africa. I thought even the Bush people in Texas. They talk with clicks. We ever seen them? I have seen that, yeah. You'd be great because it, You're always wrong when you speak in any known language, and you already do, like, the nasal cavity noise.

So you might as well be wrong in a different country. Join a tribe. Just be like... That's a good documentaries. Go do that and see where it takes to you. Yeah. Would you finance that for me? I'll buy a coach ticket to Africa.

Would you? That's about as much as you're going to get out of me, you know? Okay. I think that makes it more interesting. Yeah. It's got to be hard checking in for that flight. Where are you going, sir? Will that be coach or first class?

So I, but you sleep, you're asleep. Yeah, and a demon comes? So then you wake up, but you can't move. Because there's a demon holding you. So sometimes there's a demon. So I've had a sleep process that I've had a, if you Google sleep, have your producer pull up sleep paralysis demon? Hang on, how? Yeah, look that up for me.

Yeah. It's just one of my producers. Yeah. That's seven. Wow. Look at you. Eight. We have nine.

We have nine producers and 63 cameras. So anyways, the demons come. And then just usually just one. But if you Google sleep paralysis demon, it's the same one that I see that other people. It's the same one that I see when I Google it. You've seen it? I've seen the demon, but then you Google sleep paralysis demon. Old hag syndrome, it's a whole thing.

What's the demon look like? It's, uh, I'm going to show you? Yeah. Is it scary? It's a scary lady. Ooh. And, uh, yeah, let's see the sleep demon. But like, I asked, I've asked doctors about it and stuff, and it's just very normal.

It's like, but like, I can't handle that it's like no big deal. It's normal to have a sleep demon. Yeah. So normal that this is. is the first I've heard of it in my whole life. I'm surprised it is old hag syndrome is just a colloquial name for sleep paralysis, a common sleep disruption. But an old lady appears that you're at the,

it appears when your mind wakes up while your body is still in temporary paralysis of REM sleep. So why don't you just listen to a different band? But, what she looked like? She's not attracted. I wouldn't have a threason with her. She's not attracted.

You wouldn't? No, not even with the lights off, but this is like a... Yeah, you're already in the dark. What the... It's a blurry version of her. I guess she's blurry. You've got sleep eyes. Holy God.

Yeah. Jesus. Look at this, folks. Yeah. It's not great. It's not a great... Every couple years I get that whole thing. God, it looks sort of like Phyllis Diller.

Oh. It's not my favorite. It's absolutely terrifying, honestly. So you've woken up and she's been straddling you like that? It's like, here's another picture like that. The hell? Oh, my God. You're going to have people who come and they're like, I've had this happen to me.

He's got like a horse skull. That's a horse's skull. Yeah. But like you've never woken up and you can't move. And then you have like a. Did you have on top of you? Well, there was that one girl I picked up a Chucky cheese one night. Yeah.

No, that's scary, dude. It's the scariest thing on the planet. Last time I had it was during COVID and like, but it's like augmented reality. Like, I'm not like someone who believes in like a lot of things. So you think maybe she's a glitch from a digital existence? No. Okay. You just think she's like a dream state type?

but thing? Well, like the rational, I have to be rational that that it is. So I'm answering your question. Yeah. I think I'm in a thing. That kind of stuff happens. I'm just like, this is the scariest thing that's ever happened to me ever. Like when it happens, you know? Also, like, I don't sleep with appendages over the legs. I've been woken up by something grabbing me. Do you have that? Wow, dude. Where's your apartment, Chernobyl? I have a condiment. A townhouse. Thank you. Dude, that's frightening. Chernobyl. How often is it? this happen a year my neighbors are russians and it's a whole thing whoa bro true story but and i happen i haven't had it happen since uh pandemic time but how many times a year would you say the

demon lady i haven't had it i haven't had it happen about three years but once every two years maybe and it comes from poor sleep hygiene is one of the things that you know about sleep hygiene no seems like something harland williams would be uh vouching for sleep hygiene what's that mean don't look at your phone before you go to sleep no electronics and you're around your eyeballs proper sleep, drink lots of water. No. Sleep at the right time every night. That doesn't really exist for me.

So like comedian life where you're like, you stay up to 5 a.m., take a flight, sleep for four hours on the plane, arrive in the hotel. I've had it during the daytime. I've had it. Holy that's terrifying. It's not often.

Is it always the same lady or is it different like versions of her? Has it always the same face and the same? Like does she know your name or anything? Does she speak? Yeah. What'd she say? Just like Taylor, you know? I've had whispers

Again I'm making myself Dude I think you might be having an affair I've had it happen like seven times But I've had like a whisper in my year I've woken up by it What'd she say? Taylor Williams

That's my name It's the scariest thing In the like I've asked like Do I like schizophrenia and stuff And then the doctor's like No, I sleep paralysis, it's fine I asked Dr. Drew about it What do you say?

I even ask Dr. Drew about it He just laughs at me and says no He's like it's very normal He's like yeah That's sleep paralysis I try to explain him. I think I have schizophrenia. Dude, why don't you write a horror movie about this?

I think they have one coming out, actually. But not like they own sleep paralysis. Yeah. Yeah. Well, then why don't we write a romance movie about it? I mean, you got a chick coming to your bed every night. Like, let's go. Get rid of your dating apps.

Fuck that. That's the funniest thing ever. I think that's a great idea. Yeah. She just took my headset off. I saw that. It slid all by its side. or it could be your hat you have a waffle house hat oh i meant to say like i dressed up for you i've

never dressed up for a podcast i don't know what do you mean well harland's high harland high oh damn you're like sort of trucker mode i've got that waffle house hat and like it looks like it's it's it was cool i got it i did a podcast and they gave it to me i love waffle house i got a josh wools podcast gave me a free hat what i'm excited for my whatever merch i get from your show but i got a free half from that one but i can't wait to see what i get from your show i'll probably give you some sleeping pills you can have a fun night with you know who Thank you so much You're welcome

But I'm dressed like Like I'm driving a truck What's the T-shirt? Is there anything on the T-shirt? No, it's just like Just black But have you been to Waffle House? Yeah

Do you love it? It's all right It's like It's like kind of gross and silly I love Waffle House I don't feel like they have the best hygiene They don't have good sleep hygiene Or awake hygiene

Yeah, that's true It's a bit sloppy Yeah But I like it because I always romanticized being a truck driver. Yeah. I don't know why.

I think it's the comic in me, the open road, no boss, just like... The lounge lizards. Broad horizons, you know? Lot lizards.

Lot lizards. And then you just, you know, you pull into this greasy spoon and all they have is waffles and there's a griddle and it's small. There's something about it I like.

Yeah. Do you know about the lot lizards? What's that? I learned with some bus drivers. They have like tour bus drivers. Okay. You know, like that truck stops. Yeah.

Lot lizard is the derogatory term for ladies of the night at the truck stops. Lot lizards? Are you serious? They're the ones who go, hey, you're looking for a good time? The truck driver is like, yeah. Wow. Wild lizards. Imagine you're making love to her and she starts molting like her skin comes off.

Her tail falls off. and it's still wiggling. God, a lot lizard, huh? I'm teaching you so much. Yeah, you are teaching me a lot tonight. You're teaching me a lot, though. You changed my life, maybe. They did?

Yeah, because I had a depressing point of view on things, and now I have an optimistic point of you. Yeah, always, always be optimistic. I'm going to go have some threesomes. Have some threesomes. Yeah. Maybe I have a foursome invite the sleep demon. He looks like she's already there anyhow.

She's around. She's been gone for three years, though. She'll be back tonight. Sorry, I didn't mean it. No. No, please no. Well, it's too late. I don't wish it for anybody.

No, I do. That's frightening. Do you think I'm weird now? Now. No. That's a real thing. People have night terrors. People.

I was on a tour bus once. Yeah. Because with a band and we had, we had like bunks. Everyone had bunks. And we were like all sleeping. The truck, the bus drivers rolling through the night. And we woke up at like three in the morning to some of the worst screaming. I've ever heard.

Like it sounded, if you could picture someone being murdered and tortured all at once, it was the most horrified screaming, like high-pitched girl scream, but it was a guy. And we all woke up and we were free. And he wouldn't stop. He was just like, and he screamed in his sleep. You had night terrors, they call it. And he was screaming like the worst screaming I've ever heard in my life. And it lasted for about a minute.

and he finally woke up and he was just like oh oh and we were like terrified so i get it man people have this stuff yeah yeah i don't have that one hmm i don't have that one that's embarrassing you will i have woken up i've had two of these where i wake up i go to sleep with my shirt off you know and then i should keep anyone away and then i wake up with a sweater on I've had that happen. Oh, I meant so you're visited by Richie Cunningham. Wow. These happy days are yours.

Old reference. And then I, and then one time I, I couldn't find ice cream, and then I found it in a cabinet. So, like, in my sleep, I must have put ice cream in the camera. So I think I sleepwalked, like, twice. Oh, wow. But that's, I don't think that's my thing, though. Yeah, yeah, sleep. You have, like, 45 cameras.

Can I borrow one for my bedroom? Did you like one? Which one would you like? I like that one. Oh, 42? Yeah, you can have that one. Okay. Yeah.

Thanks. But for now we've got to do words from a wooden shoe. Do you know what this is? Okay, let's do it. What we do is do with all our guests, Taylor Williams, we pull out a Dutch clog. And it's an authentic Dutch club. We reach in there. You pull out a word and see if you have a story or a month.

memory or something from your life that relates to the word or is inspired by the word. What do we got? Drunkest ever. Oh, here we go. Here we go, guy. That is out. I just told you in Morse code. Oh, really?

Yeah. Bakersfield? Wow. Can I tell you a story about you real quick? Sure. I go off on tangents. Yeah. Tangent me.

When I was 18, I got to host of the improv, and I got to bring you on stage, and I go, what can I say about you? You know, I'm terrified. Like, I'm nervous. I want to do a good job. Okay. I'm excited to work with you.

And then you say, he's just say, he's Jimmy Waters from Bakersfield. Right? Am I correct? That was the name? Could have been. I use different ones all the time. So, but I'm like, I don't know if you're fucking with me. Yeah.

And I don't know if, like, you're telling me to do that. Then I'm going to get fired for. doing that like i don't then i go like uh okay it's like yeah but then also seriously would i call you the jimmy waters from baker yeah so i go on the stage i'm like this harland williams i'm like a child comedian i'm like a child comedian i'm like i'm hosting at the improv and i'm just like the next comedian and give it up for jimmy waters from baker's field i just i was dying i was really it freaked you out yeah you you intimidated me oh no yeah i get a lot of that from guys like emcs they're like really you want me to like they get freaked out and i'm just doing it to have fun

Right. I just, because I don't like credits. Yeah. I'll tell you why I do that. I go up by different names all the time. It's so funny. I go up as, my latest one is Wally Wipeout from Fresno or Bakersfield. And I do it because when you go up by a name, there's associations to names.

There's attachments to names. Yeah. But when you go up by a fake name, and to me, the forum of stand-up is it should be free, no barriers. Just, and so when I go up without any type of attachment at all, I'm just this floating, free, funny spirit. Yeah. I think of comedy as almost a spiritual ride up there. Yeah.

So if I don't have an identity, I can't be corralled. Right. And so anything can happen, anything can flow. I'm almost like that night tear lady floating onto the stage and just letting it happen. Yeah. So even though it sounds weird, there's a method to the madness. And I think a lot of emcees have done, they go, what's Arland doing?

Really? Like it gets them all confused, but I have a real reason why I do it. And I love it. You should try it one day. It's just totally like, it's almost like if you saw a dog running around in a yard, but then all of a sudden all the fences fell down and there was no fence.

Titles and names, for me at least, constrict me a bit. Yeah. So I like going out and just. especially, and not only going up as nothing, but also creating a name, like a funny name. Yeah. Because to me, you go up there, it's about being funny, right? So if I'm being introduced, like Wally Wipeout or I've gone up like Luke Skywalker's pencil case and C3PO's daughter, Carly Simon's grandson, like I'm already laughing.

Like my comedy spirit is already percolating because I'm laughing. And then it's sort of fun to hear a stranger. have to say it and then it's also fun on a third level to have to see the audience receive it and not know what it is and so i'm already on my journey to the stage i'm already in comedy world in my head i like you to spicy yeah it just it creates the aura of funny versus here comes harland williams and it's like okay everyone knows harr i know harland but when i'm another guy well what's wally whitebout going to do up there i don't know yeah so i like it it's very it's very freeing so i'm apologies if it messed with you because i think it does it to a lot but now it's i bring up at

the comedy store and i love it yeah i can't wait once people know but there's there's no ill intent there's no there's no um there's no intent to sabotage anyone else it's purely just my own way of of starting the comedy button before i even get up there i love it and i don't take it as that at all yeah but i could see it is your first time being a little like, what the fuck do I do? Yeah. And then you are known for giving out wonderful advice to young comedians. I hope you know you have that. I am. I got great advice that someone got from you once. What was it? Secondhand. Oh. This guy, I think, who told me, maybe KT. Tatar told me, like, 20 years ago, or 18 years ago or something, he says, Harlan Williams

told me, try something new every time you go on stage. Yeah. And so, like, there was, like, a while where, like, and it's a good lesson for me to remember right now talking to you. Yeah. I should do that. Like, try it with the mic out of the mic stand for this. Try it with the mic only in the mic stand. Try it. There's probably got somebody else who could do different. Yeah.

Try starting out with a new joke that you never told before. Yeah, always shift gears. Yeah. But, like, that's why I watch. You're the only comic I want to watch every time. Jeez, man, thank you. I want to switch this out, though. Oh, because you don't drink?

I'm not a big drink. I don't have a good story. No worries. The word is, like, I don't want to be like a, like, a bomb of a, No, this is the first time anyone's ever put one back. You didn't put it back. You didn't put it in a separate pile. I'll put it back later.

What does that mean? You'll see. You make like a voodoo doll out of it. What do you got this time? Well, we already did this one. What is it? What is it? What's it say?

Scared shit. Oh, okay. Put it back. Let's get it out of those two number three. we just did it twice kind of see which one we want to put back this time oh what is it oh no let me guess

floating planets made by men is that what it says yeah what's it say you know this shoe is about to go for a long walk without you in it it says it says embarrassed by dad but I have a strange father

Let's try again This is really not for you But we're going to keep going Here we go Don't look This is fun right Yeah this is good This is good

Most exotic place Is that a keeper? It's a little triggering But you know Are we good Do you want to Are we good? I think so.

Okay, most exotic place, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, good Lord. Yeah, talk to me, bro. I've been to Parks and South Dakota. Wow. Is that where the Mount Rushmore is? No. Hey, so not that exotic.

I got hired to perform for a company that makes grapple forks and rock buckets. Wow. The Flintstones? Whoa. That's the most. exotic place you've been i mean what is exotic mean it sounds like that's how you interpret it i've been to um there's a small town i'm trying to think of uh i mean i've been in japan you can stick with south dakota i'm not going to change you what was it south dakota

or was it you pick it yeah let's do another one yeah i agree this time i agree with you yeah Get in there. Get in there. Can you just hold it out for a second? Yeah, maybe even look at it. Yeah. I think we know, but go ahead. What do we think it is?

Well, I think we talked about it for the last hour. Threesome and count. but you know what here let's just get you a fresh one that's the one I just hand you a dictionary or an encyclopedia there's nothing else in here all right we're going to switch gears gang this is another game we do I'm not done yet where you pick a word we each pick a word wait did we just skip it well there's none left so we're switching Switching gears. Wait, I can talk about something that's sexy to me.

Well, we're going to do that because guess how this works. But is this a replacement for that game? Yeah, you burned it out. Okay. So let's see if we get through this one. This one might be more in your gearbox since you're a swinger. Okay. This one, we each pick a word.

Yeah. We put it together and it creates a new sexual position. And then we have to describe how it works. So you're a swinger. Reach in there and grab one word. Don't look. Pick one word. I'm going to be talking about this in therapy.

I hope you know. This is your therapy. Yeah. Nice try. Okay. I got one too. Now we're in this together. What's your word?

Satan. Is it really? Yeah. Oh, my God. You are horrible at this. I'm bad at picking. Oh, mine's elf. For the record, I could have answered.

The other one was tree. It's too late, guy. You can't go back. 10 minutes later. Yeah, it's tree. I was like, what do I got for? Well, the Satan elf, what kind of position is that? I think for me, the Satan elf is when you're with your partner,

you put on the electric blanket, you heat the bed up like max. You max it out. Yeah. And then you do it from behind, and it's aggressive. Yeah. And you hold on to her, the bed's like steaming. You grab her ears and you're pulling so hard. You actually stretch them so they point like elf ears.

And when she goes to work the next day, it takes about four days for them to shrink back down. But you've been like behind her, you're doing the Satan elf, the bed steaming the heat from the electric blanket sort of loosens the ear tissue. And you're holding on for your life. And you like pull those ears. they point and people at work, like, oh, Satan elthing last night, Agnes? Yeah. That's my interpretation of it. Yours?

Wow. Okay. I'm going to go little by little. Is that okay? Step by step. Yeah. It becomes the whole thing. Yeah.

I would say it's kind of twilight zone Satan, okay? Okay. Nice guy. Nice guy. Thank you. Oh, this. This is part of your thing. So, San's seemingly, it's a role play kind of thing.

Okay, great. So you're on it. So it's a nice guy, seemingly nice guy and a little person. Okay. Who's actually a nice person. Okay. But a little gullible. Gullable.

Yeah. Okay. So Satan goes, hey, if you build these toys for Santa, I will make love to you. Okay. and then so the elf role play yeah you're looking to be like like i had 10 years to think about this no no this is good this is from the mouth of a swinger so then so then you had to build some toys okay the elf but you got to chop down trees okay tree tree yeah and then i got a tree one now

yeah so anyways so that you build the toys yeah and then um and then you build some amazing toys and then you go up to say and you're like hey so we're gonna fuck and then satan's like i'm not gonna fuck you you're an elf right and then you're like i'm satan i lied to you oh wow so that's the satan elf it's almost like a um what's that stuff before you um you have sex it's called what's it called when you walk pre-com? No. Before you, like all the warming up stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's that called? It's called a for-play. Foreplay. So it's almost like a four-play. Satan gets you all greased up, thinks he's going to elf slam you and then he doesn't. Yeah, but it's really mean. And then he got toys out of it.

Yeah, you got wooden toys. So he's just like, I don't need you. Then he calls up some swingers and he makes you watch. And what better. place to have wooden toys than down in hell where it's constantly fired oh then that's it uh i'm playing making an addendum well i'm gonna do an antiquity to this okay not an antiquity uh so then he takes the toys that you spent like maybe a month building so that you could make love to him and he burns them in front of you and then he fucks your your your sister my sister not you if you have a sister all the

No one, they fuck's Harley-Lam is his sister. Sister, yeah. Finally. I think that's creative. I like that. Because people are into, the ASMR is popular now. Yeah.

Unboxing videos are really popular. Yeah. So there's a lot of like sexual kinks out there. Oh, dude. I don't want to get vulgar, have you ever like made love to yourself to an unboxing video? Wait a minute. Made love to myself?

Yeah. Like. You know people like the. sexual things on YouTube like uh unboxing like I guess it depends what you're they're unboxing right well it's to each his or her own but but my short answer is no I haven't have you not yeah but like I was just thinking that could be a thing that could be a thing like someone opening a blender and you're just like wow yeah yeah dude well lots to think about here, gang. Taylor Williamson and buddy, will you plug your stuff one more time as we

slowly fade out? What a, what a visit. Thank you for coming. I feel like, I feel like we did good. Dude. Taylor Williamson, do I look at you? Look at me, but then slowly segue to camera 97 to your right. So, start with me. Yeah. So my, my, uh, my, uh, my, my, uh, my, comedy special is on YouTube.com. It's called Taylor Williamson Live at the Comedy Store. And I'm on tour. I'm going to be all over America, Oklahoma, Arizona.

Too far. Swing it. Swing it back. Camera 97. There. No, here we go. Right over. Over this way. This way. There you go. Right there. Finish it out. Taylorloops.com links at Taylor Comedy. My dog's at Betty, the puppy doggy.

um i'm Taylor lives in my life at the comedy store you get it harland highway check me on a harland highway are you going to be on it yeah when I just was we should rewind and watch it again

oh we just did it now yeah dude be honest like in the spectrum of like all your guests like in the top 50 one of probably the top swinger I've ever had yeah yeah yeah thank you and I know you like to be on top

Can I keep this? Yeah. Will you signing for me? Wally wiped out. Taylor, thank you so much, buddy. Thank you, man. This is such a joy. You cracked me up.

I'm crying. Oh, what a treat. I had a blast. And check out Taylor's special on YouTube. And go see them live. Check out. All your dates are on your website, right? Yeah.

Yeah. What's the website again? Taylorwilliamson.com. Dot com. Go see this guy, whether it's in Calgary or wherever he may be. And, dude, thank you for being here. Thank you so much, man.

You're welcome. And until next time, everybody, you've been on the Hall Highway podcast. And until next time, chicken chowman, baby.