The Harland Highway - The 2nd CALL IN show! Harland answers your burning questions! #104

Episode Date: April 16, 2024

From Will Ferrell stories to Larry's Fish and Chips - Harland answers questions from viewers like you! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, Mr. Williams. I need some help coming up with a name for my dog that I adopted the other day. He likes to bite teenagers. He likes to bite me. He gets really mad. So here's what you name it, to kind of put it in its place, to remind it who's the boss. You call your dog, gas chamber. Every time you go out to play with the biter, with the attitude, here, gas chamber, gas chamber, gas chamber, come to Daddy God, that's a good gas chamber. Every time you call his name like gas chamber, you're instilling in him, you're reminding him

that, oh, yeah, I could kind of be taking care of real quick if I don't get my dog shit together, if you know what I mean. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Oh, yeah, I'm going to do it like a cow. like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, that's right. You on the Harley Highway podcast, my friend.

Welcome, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome. What a great show we have for you today. Today is our call-in show. The whole show is dedicated to taking your voicemails and responding to them as best I can. I do have a degree in psychology from DeVry. I have a degree in neurocology from DeVry.

I have a degree in working at Arby's from DeVry. And I have a degree in bullshit, as you can tell. So just so you know how this show is going to work, you guys have called into the hotline, the Harland Highway hotline, which is just so you have it. I'm going to give it out right now. So maybe you'll be on the next show.

23-6-9-6-0-2-2-2-2. 3-2-6-9-6-0-22-2. And you can just leave a little voice message. It can be whatever you want. Just don't make it too long. We can't use ones that are too long, but just get on there and say what you got to say. And maybe we'll get it on the show here.

So without any delay, let's just kick it off. and go into our first call right away. Here we go. What's up, Harland. This is Brent. My dad passed away like a year and a half ago. Ouch.

And then we were going through his stuff. I was with my family, and we figured we'll go play golf all together. So I'm going through his old golf bag, and I'm checking, making sure the clubs are nice and all that. And I get to make sure I got enough balls in the bag there. and I pull out a 22 pistol

that he just had in his golf bag for the golf course. What are you going to make of that? First of all, where the hell was your dad playing golf, like down in South Central, in Afghanistan? Where the hell do you play golf where you need a 22 pistol? Maybe you're playing in Florida

where you got 17-foot alligators crossing across the greens. And you're like, okay, let's play through. We got her. We got us a trophy gator we did. There goes a coyote. All right, you ready to hit the 14th? Oh, hang on. There goes a muscox.

Holy shit. All right, get the, hold on, you know, shooting from the golf cart. Who knows what you need a gun for? Maybe just you're playing in the United States of America. Forget the critters. Hey, here comes some people. I think I trust the critters more than I trust the people in the good old U.S. of A. Don't shoot the messenger.

But that's just the state of affairs. We are in, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, how many people do you trust in God good green earth here in the United States of America? I mean, there was a time when I didn't need to look over my shoulder. I didn't need to see where I parked. I didn't have to care if it was night or day. This was America, the land of the free. people looked out for each other people were diligent people respectful people were kind but now oh man

you got to put a weapon when you go and play sports hell i'm gonna start carrying a loaded rifle around when i go to the tennis courts i'll keep a glock on my waist when i'm playing badminton hell i'll keep a bazooka on my back for racquetball what do you mean that shot was out. I mean, you know, it's interesting in all seriousness that your dad hid something in his golf bag. And let me kind of turn this on all of us. Don't we all have something hidden somewhere?

Right? All of you looking, you in Detroit, Don'ty Dinglefingers, and. And over here, over in New York in Manhattan, Barry Broccoli Breath, all of you. We've all got something hidden somewhere, don't we? Is it in the closet in your house? Is it somewhere in your car? Did you dig a hole in the yard? Is it up at your cottage?

Is it you got something taped to the roof? Is there a place in the basement behind the... the furnace? Is there a little box somewhere? Don't we all have something hidden somewhere? And that's the interesting thing about when we die. What are you going to leave behind? What surprises are you going to leave for those that come and clean up after you're gone? Are you going to leave some jewelry, an expensive watch? Some money, some tenders, some notes, some Deutsch marks and dollars, American Express will do, nicely thank you. You're private, okay.

But people leave all kinds of things, and it's interesting. We're all little hoarders, we're all little pack rats. We all have little hiding spots. Many of you men out there, where are you hiding the playboys, boys? Where you're hiding a penthouse magazines now? Ooh, what's that? You got all your folded pants? What's that in between your jeans there folded on the shelf?

Is that three issues of Hustler magazine? Like anyone looks at magazines anymore. It's the internet. But yeah, it's an interesting thing. People stuff little things in their golf bags. People hide things. I think every one of you, watching. Think about it. What are you hiding? And what is your family going to find when you pass

away? Isn't that the weird thing? Because maybe, maybe all of us have little things that we don't want people to see. How many of you have maybe a little sex toy somewhere, ladies, the old rabbit and the vibrato? Who knows? Who knows what people have? And so, I wonder if your dad kind of, you know, there's no way you can know when the good Lord's going to take you away. Your dad was probably walking around going, well, no one's going to find my gun in my golf bag as long as I'm alive. Well, guess what, Daddy, you died. And that could come in handy. Let's be honest.

Loaded firearms in sports, we all lose our temper. You've all got that one cocky guy you play with, that one guy you can never be. Beat. Whoops. Gee, looks like one of your legs is no longer functioning. I guess now I'm the top player on the course, huh? So it's a competitive country. It's a competitive world.

I don't know. What did you do with the gun guy? Where are you going to hide the gun? You're going to leave it in the golf bag? I don't think you can because you just told us where it is. Now you're going to have to find a little hiding spot for your load. weapon and one day your boy are going to find it now one day when you're dead and gone you're six feet under down in the ground and there's your son oh yeah there's your son taking out your

your little fishing tackle box all he want to do is go catch himself a trout now down at the river and all of a sudden the game warden walk up on him and say excuse me sir you got your fishing license and and you say well i think it's right here in my tackle box and Uh-oh. There's a loaded weapon and somebody going to jail. So I don't know. Interesting. Interesting.

Let's move along. Hello, Harlins. This is Brian, and I'm a huge fan for about 250 pounds, but that's beside the point. I'd like to know all your time in the forest, all the time he spends in the wilderness. Did you ever hear anything? or see anything you could not explain. Please tell me, Ireland. I need to know.

Thank you, sir. If you need to know, who am I to hold back a forest story? If you need to know, you got's to know. If you gots to know, you gots to know. So what I heard in the forest or anything scary or weird, I think, is what you're going for. I have so many forest stories, by the way. know how many of you know this, but I used to be a forest ranger when I was a younger, younger man, if I was ever a man. I literally worked in the bush and I was a lumberjack,

I did tree planting, I did fish and wildlife. I did it all, man, canoe guide, all this stuff. And so I have, I could talk for 20 shows on the forest, but I'll tell you one of the oddest things that I loved, and as you know, I'm a very random guy. I love random things. I love random weird, quirky things. And this is a true story. I was on a, I was guiding a pack of Rangers. There was about, I think we had six other canoes, two guys per canoe, might have been eight other canoes. And we were doing this long river and lake system. We were, we were gone for, I think we were gone for five days. And I was leading it, and we had to meander through all these lakes and white water and rivers and, you know, just we had, we were going through everything. And it was quite a long track.

We had tents and supplies, and we had to portage, and we had to camp every night and blah, blah, blah. And we were really on in the middle of nowhere, okay? If you want to check your map, Lake Superior is the largest of the great lakes. we were situated on the east shore of Lake Superior, but way back in in the bush. So not right on the shore, but back in. And this was back in the 80s. So you can imagine how sort of desolate.

This is up in Canada, Ontario, Canada. And we're going through this thing, and we get to this one thing where we have to transition from a river system into a lake. The river sort of ends. It gets kind of closed in by swamp, and there's a real thin, meandering snake-like river that dumps out now into the lake, which is wide open. So we have to transition from river canoeing into lake, and we're going through this winding swamp. It was no more than about this wide.

We could just fit our canoes into it, and it was sort of slow and treacherous because it was very windy. The water was probably only about four feet deep. But we had to do it to get through. And as we're winding through, and again, this is in the middle of nowhere, okay? Middle of nowhere. There's no houses. There's no cottages. This is like virgin like timber country up on the rugged shores of Lake Superior.

And I come around a bend and I'm the lead canoe because I'm the, I'm the canoe guide. And I'm the guy in charge. I'm the boss. I'm the boss. Hello. And we come around this really sharp bend in this very tiny marshy river and sitting there as God is my witness

hammered into the marsh is a sign about this big. It's a white sign and someone took the time who took it out there, why they took it out there, how they thought anyone would ever see it because this was in the middle of nowhere some character hammered a sign into the marsh grass

and I came around the corner face to face with it it said Larry's fish and chips half a mile with an arrow pointing to nowhere, like down the river where I knew there was nothing. I mean, we had all this geography charted, so we knew there was nothing up there. And it was, it tickled my funny bone. I remember it to this day.

And it really kind of goes to show you that if you put the effort to put something out into the world and you just do it randomly and you do it just thinking or hoping that somehow it touches someone or impact someone, this was to me hilarious. First of all, in middle of nowhere, the name Larry, Larry is just a funny name. and then fish and chips. Larry's fish and chips half a mile with an arrow. And this is a place where not only is there not a restaurant, there's not a home within like 20,000 square miles.

This was just like empty wilderness. And some goofball took the time to put that in there, probably just hoping and praying that one day someone would come along and see it. And as fate would have it, the one guy that appreciates that kind of humor, the one guy that was blown away by it comes around the corner and that was me. So that's a humorous nature story that I can share with you. I have many, many others that are humorous and dangerous and scary and fun.

And I mean, my God, the stuff I got to do out there in the wilderness. But that one really stuck with me. and I hope you get a laugh from it because I still think about it to this day. Great question. Thank you. Let's motor on. These are great calls. Hey, Harlan.

Just a quick question, though, why does your birthmark look like shit, man? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Man. Well, I don't know how you know about my birth mark. No, what she's referring to is I did a movie called Superstar with Molly Shannon years back. And my character Slater had a birth, they drew a birth park on me that looked like, like shit. It looked like a pile of caca. And man, was that a fun movie to do? And it's, it's the one rare movie where I kind of got to play a stud. I was kind of like a leather jacket wearing, riding

a Harley motorcycle, kind of the sucked in the cheap, kind of the brooding, like, you know, the silent, mysterious guy. My name was Slater. I had a bear cloth or a necklace. And, and it was really fun to play that type of role. I was in that movie with Will Farrell, who was just hilarious. And I'll tell you a quick Will Ferrell just to show, you know, I bet Will Ferrell put the fish and chip sign because this is how random his humor is. I love Will.

He's got the exact sense of humor. We were shooting superstar and Will came up to me. And we each got our own little trailers. You know, we got our little star trailers with a, with a bed and a fridge and a microwave and a bathroom. And in between shots, we would go in there and rehearse our lines or make phone calls or eat or have a nap. And it was lunchtime, and me and Will were just hanging out

kind of in front of our trailers. And out of nowhere, Will just goes, Hey, you want to come in my trailer for lunch? I just threw a full 14-pound turkey into the microwave. You want to come in and have some turkey? See, I love this type of humor, but Will just played it totally straight, didn't crack. It's kind of like the Larry's Fishing Chips. It's just when you commit to humor, when you commit to a comedy bit and just stay in it,

there's something beautiful about it. So, yes, that is why my birthmark looked like shit because I played a character named Slater in a movie called Superstar with the hilarious Molly Shannon, Will Ferrell, And great memories. Thanks for bringing it up. Hey, everybody, check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie. But not me.

Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. You can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a. print and man oh man wear them loud and proud I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal so check out the whole catalog we got hoodies we got coffee mugs we got t-shirts you name it it's there at harbling.com get your harland original design

wearable art at harbling.com today and thank you for your support And I'll just keep the, uh, the groovy images coming. Hey, Harlan. I'm halfway through your interview with the bullfrog guy. And, um, you're recounting an experience you had in the theater where you farted really loud. And that brings to mind. A very specific memory of being in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragons, my brother Nick and some of my other siblings. And I was in my early 20s, I think, when that came out.

And we were up, like, you know, towards the back. And the theater was just packed. And it's a three-hour movie. You know, it's this long, epic drama. And there's the main guy and the main girl, and they're very respected, you know. And they love each other. and he ends up getting hit by a poison dart and right as he's dying they're professing their love to each other

I mean it's the pinnacle of the movie the whole movie is built to this moment and it's quiet and my brother during the whole movie was miserable he hated it he had no idea it had subtitles he hated sitting through it right at the moment when he's dying and she's crying and the whole theater's silent

he just lets out the biggest fart in every single person in the theater turns around and just gave us the iciest glare and we all just sank into our seats and my brother just lost it so yeah thanks for evoking that memory you and my brother should hang out together sometimes he lived here in Nebraska I love it I love it don't we all just love a fart joke Even this gentleman, he was kind of telling the story, but kind of putting it off on his brother that his brother was the fart guy. But you could hear him chuckling. And no matter how sophisticated you are, whether you're a genius or a dummy,

there's something about a fart that just makes us giggle. And he was referring in one of the recent podcasts I was talking about how when I was younger, I used to wait for the quiet parts in movies, the I love. love you moments. And just before someone said, I love you, or right after it, it'd be like, I love you. I'd just time, I'd hold one in the chamber and let it rip. I'd even do it in Freddy Krueger movies, like just before the scary moment, like someone's about to open the closet. Right before they open it, I'd just be like, and me and my friends would laugh our asses off. So I'm glad that evoked a memory. I recommend all of you fart in the movie theater. No one else

likes it, but you will love it. You will laugh forever and ever. And when you start to become a marksman with your Kalimari ring, when you know how to pick the right point in a script, when you become like an English major and you go, ooh, wait, we're about to hit the revelation of the love story where he professes his love and she's flabbergasted and you just go for it. It sounds crude. It is crude. It sounds Neanderthal, but I'll tell you, if you ever want a good laugh, if you really want to just be selfish for once, just for a moment. How long does a fart last? Three seconds, one second? Like, just do it. Just you only live once. Let one rip in a theater at a pivotal moment. And you will thank us. Trust me. All right, let's move along.

Hey, yo, what's up, Harin? I'm a huge friend. My name is Eric. All right. I just had one question for you. What is the craziest heckler story or the craziest thing that someone has yelled out on one of your shows? And if you've ever kicked someone out. All right.

Thank you. And stay furry, you freak. Stay furry. I will stay furry. Let me just check Eric real quick. Oh, yeah, it's furry. Super furry. could ferrets could make a home in there.

What is one of the craziest heckler stories? You want to know, Eric, is, there's probably a number of them. But one of the freakyest ones happened really early on in my stand-up career. It might have even been during the first year or the, maybe, definitely within the first year and a half, but I think within the first year. And when I started out, man, I was experimental. I used to go on stage with no shirt on. I made a wig out of varnish that stood four feet high.

I used to take bags of cement on stage for no reason and drop them. I'd take Christmas trees in the middle of summer. I'd take old bicycles. I took a drummer on stage and after every joke instead of a bum-pump, I made them do like a two-minute lead Zeppelin drum solo. Like, I've done a lot of experimenting. And so on this particular night, it was a lot of. a hot summer night in Toronto, and I was still fairly new at the game. And I used to put rubber

toys in my pockets just to kind of, you know, make me feel silly. Just for, I didn't know why they were there, but I would just, because I'm this guy when I feel silly, I feel funny. So a lot of times I'd have a rubber lobster. I'd wear a blazer and I'd have a rubber lobster sticking out of the pocket. And I used to wear these blazers. One of my uncles died. And guess what he did? He left me, not a gun, but he left me like boxes and boxes of his clothes. And he was a rich guy. And so I had all these nice blazers. So I'd wear his blazers on stage. And I'm doing my show. I'm about 10 minutes in, hot summer night. And there's this guy in the front row with his hot girl. He's a Jamaican guy, black guy. I don't think anything of it. I'm doing well. I haven't been

riffing with the crowd. At that point, my career, I was still too fresh. to really improvise with the crowd. I was very scared still. And I'm in the middle of a joke, and all of a sudden this Jamaican guy just looks up at me, he goes, I'm going to fucking kill you, man. And that's the best Jamaican voice I can do.

That's exactly what he said. And I was like, what? And he was like, I'm going to wait outside with a gun, and I'm going to fucking kill you, man. for no reason unprovoked we had not been in any exchange i hadn't been talking to the crowd maybe he just hated my act so much i needed to die and i was just like holy god like i was still new at the game so let alone dealing with just a drunker going hey your mother's fat like i hadn't even dealt with that yet one of my

first hecklers was a guy threatening my life and he seemed pretty serious about it there was No levity involved. He was not joking. He was not being humorous. And then when he sort of followed it up saying he was going to wait outside, I was like, and I didn't know what to do so. In the moment, just happened to be on that night. The crowd had gone silent.

You could hear a pin drop. You could hear a pinworm drop. A dirty pinworm. I just happened to have inside my blazer on the inner pocket a giant rubber locust. Okay? It was a rubber toy from a store. It was a rubber grasshopper, like huge. It was like bigger than a cob of corn.

And he was, I'm going to wait outside and fucking kill you, man. And I just instinctively, I reached and I said, well, lucky for me, I came prepared. I have my voodoo locust to repel such a threat. And I started wiggling the locust at him. I'm like, making all these kind of chanting. but I'm making these, like, I'm just improvising these locust noises and chants. And the crowd who were, like, deadly silent and kind of terrified, they started laughing at what I was doing and it broke the ice.

But meanwhile, this had given security time to come and remove this freak. And they made sure he wasn't waiting for me. But that was pretty freaking intense. Like, how often is anyone? watching had their life threatened, like blatantly right to your face. Like, it's never happened to most of you, probably all of you. And here you are trying to make a guy laugh, bringing joy into the world, and he says he's going to kill you.

And to be honest, he did not seem cranked up on drugs. That was the first thing I go, is this just a drunk guy? But he was very lucid, he was very coherent, he was very present. And to this day, I'm mystified. I wonder if he mistook me for someone. someone else. Maybe he thought I was Brad Pitt or, you know, a model, a guy supermodel. Maybe thought I was a model, like a hot, hot gorgeous, like Brad Pitt model and he wasn't having it. So, yeah, great question. And yeah, I'll never forget that one. I mean, again,

there's many more, but that one definitely sticks out, okay? Hey there, Harlan. This is James. I have a question for you. If you had the ability to calm yourself, and after the call was completed, it's a complete full calm of you, how you are at this moment,

like after you had it ready to go, you brutally asked racist. Would that be gay or just masturbation? Thank you. All right, that was a little mumbled. Just remember when you guys call in, make sure you're using a phone from this century and you're not underwater in a helicopter.

I think what he was asking is if I could clone myself, would it make me gay? Well, first of all, cloning is impossible. There's no such thing as cloning. there's no way there could ever be two of me at the same time. So right away, cloning doesn't exist. What are you nuts? Are you crazy?

You can't clone yourself. Even if you are cloned, you can't be gay with yourself. So if you want to make sweet love to yourself all night long, it's just you, dude. It wouldn't be gay because you can't be gay to yourself. You can't make love to yourself and be gay Unless your clone's gay and you're straight

Or wait So I mean if I could clone myself Which I can't Anyways I don't even know I'm getting into it Come on there's no such thing as cloning silly I hate to skip over a question But cloning isn't a real thing So unfortunately I

I have to move on. Hey, Mr. Williams. I need some help coming up with a name for my dog that I adopted the other day. He likes to bite teenagers. He likes to bite me. He gets really mad. He kind of looks like a possum. And after this last calling episode, I'm not going to name him chicken chalmy.

because I hope that guy dies, but I could use a little name for my dog. He's cute, he's 10 pounds, he's like a chihuahua mix. I'll be waiting on you to hear back. Thank you. Okay, don't say waiting on me, because that reminds me a lot of, I'll be waiting outside with a gun, I'm going to kill you, man.

That was the wrong time to say you're waiting on me. Was that the guy? The guy that wanted to kill me is now asking me for pet advice? Wow. Remember the world works in strange forces? Here's the thing. Your dog sounds like it's got toad. It's got an attitude.

It sounds like it's attacking people. It sounds like it's biting you. Sounds like it's a pain in the ass. It's got discipline problems. It's a be-a-a-ch, even if it's a guy dog. So here's what you name it to kind of put it in its place To remind it who's the boss You call your dog gas chamber

You call your dog Putting you down You call your dog Sleep Going to sleep Just names like that You know every time you go out to play with the biter with the attitude.

Here, gas chamber, gas chamber, gas chamber. Come to daddy, God. That's a good gas chamber. Oh, does putting down want to go play in the park? Oh, does put him down want some lunch? Oh, just put him to sleep. Want to go for a walkies? So what you do is every time you say his decrepit little weasley name,

You're reminding him that you control his fate, that he's walking on the razor's edge. And every time you call his name like gas chamber, you're instilling in him, you're reminding him that, oh, yeah, I could kind of be taking care of real quick if I don't get my dog shit together, if you know what I'm made.

So yeah, I think gas chamber's a real good way to go. Here, gas chamber. I mean, you're not going to be popular at the park, at the dog park. But it can't be any worse than I had a dog once and I named him rape. And that did not go over at the dog. Rape! Rape! Rape! Rape! Oh, that's a good rape. Oh, you're a good rat.

Boy, to people, I got chased out of the dog park. I almost went to the gas chamber. So, yeah, I hope that helps, bro. You know, get creative. If you want to get really creative, you could be like column, hit you in the head with a shovel. You're a dog. I could bury you in the yard. That's sort of like a long Native American name. Oh, come here. You're a dog. I'm going to bury you in the yard if you don't behave yourself. Come on, boy. You know, just get creative. Get it in his little flea bag sucking head that you're the boss.

you control his destiny you hold the fucking keys to the car and uh let's get this little possum uh snapped up into gear okay hope that helps uh let's see what else we got hey harlan this is brian um i've been having a horrible migraine all day um since like 4 a am i've tried everything i've been rubbing my temples i've been taking aspirin I haven't decided to take a bubble bath with the lights off, the candles lit while listening to the Harlan podcast, but nothing is working. Do you have any idea how to get rid of a migraine,

any remedies or things you've tried in the past that have worked? I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you, my friend. My friend, you came to the right guy. I don't know if you people believe in home elixirs, home healing. But boy, did this guy come to the right guy? Migraines are crippling. Just a mouse farting can sound like a train rumbling through your brain.

Oh, my God. It is so hard to find a cure for the migraine, and I'm going to share it with you now. And this should help. I think you're going to love it. Let's give it a try. Just put your head right by the speaker, and let's

this should really, really like kind of help lull you to sleep, just kind of get rid of all that, oh, you know, just, right? Are you feeling it? How do you feel? Do you want to turn up the volume a bit?

How about we, I call this stirring the spaghetti. It's a, this really helps with the, Stir. There's a little song, too. I used to sing it to my kids when they got migraines. Stir the spaghetti. You spoiled little brats. I'm glad you've got a migraine.

You dirty, filthy rats. Hello? Hello? Jesus. Try to help a guy. I'm grateful. Maybe someone deserves the migraine. I mean, geez, man.

I'm going to put in the effort. Why don't you put in the effort? How? Hey, Dad. When I was in my early adulthood, I had dreams of becoming a music producer. So I was following that, but shortly after marrying the woman of my dreams,

I realized that I wasn't very good at making music at all. So now I don't really have. any passions or talents that I'm aware of. I'm working at a boring medical job, very routine, and I'm still finding myself searching for something to set my creative soul free. Maybe leave my job, maybe not. I have no dreams to follow. Please help me.

Thank you. Wow. I don't like hearing that, son. You know, he did call me dad, so I do have the right to call him son, even though we've never met. Apparently, I have a son. I don't like hearing people saying they don't have dreams. They don't have passion. It makes me sad.

Sometimes it happens. It doesn't mean you're a human being who's lacking. It doesn't mean you're, you know, less than the rest of us. us. Sometimes you go through a rut. Sometimes you go through a period of time where you feel passionless. You don't feel inspired. But the good news is you did say that you have dreams and you have passion, but it just hasn't emerged. You haven't been able to pinpoint what it is. And the good news is that you're searching, and that's very important. You haven't just given up completely, but I can tell you're frustrated and you're at the edge of maybe giving up.

Because sometimes when you're looking for something and it doesn't rear its beautiful face after a while, you sort of throw in the towel. You go, well, you know, I've been looking for this. I've been trying for that. And it's really not coming around. So I guess it's not for me. Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe I don't have it. Oh, my God.

And to hear you say you're in a job that really is lackluster, you expressed that you're in a mundane world that you're just putting in time. you're going through the process, you're going through the steps, and it's not a pursuit that inspires you or makes you feel fulfilled. And so I would submit to you, my friend, my son, that you keep searching. and if it's not obvious what your passion is, then go out and try some new things. Even if you had a hint that maybe you wanted to be one of those guys,

you ever see those guys that jump off the cliffs and they've got the giant human wing and they just fly down the mountain sides? Or if you've always thought, you know, I've never tried tennis. I want to try tennis. And I'll share a story with you. I had never played racquetball a day in my life. I didn't even know how the sport worked.

It wasn't even on my radar. And one day I was at my gym. And a buddy of mine who goes to the gym, the gym had four racquetball courts that I had ignored for years. I didn't even give them a second thought. And my buddy who goes to the gym said, hey man, you want to go in and play racquetball? And I said, oh, no, I've never played.

I don't know. He goes, well, I've got an extra racket. And I said, why not? You know? Why not? I've never done it. What have I got to lose? Who cares? You know? I'm up here on a treadmill just walking to nowhere. I thought maybe I burn a few calories chasing a ball around. I'll tell you what, my son. I walked into that racquetball court and I've been playing three or four times a week ever since. And this is nine years later. I've become very good at it. I ended up winning the league championship one year. I can play with the best of the players at my racquetball court. This is a guy that didn't even know what it was. And I love it.

I'm a dick to do it. It's a passion I didn't even know existed within me. And it was all because I just decided to step out of my box and just throw caution to the wind and say yes and try something. And it's you turned into this huge passion. Now it's not an artistic endeavor like music, but there is an artistry to everything you do. And there is a music to everything you do. Everything has a flow and a rhythm.

And every type of action is its own form of music. And being on the racquetball court, when you're flowing, when you're making the shots, when you're in a rhythm and you're flying around in there, it's exhilarating. and I don't have to push it. I don't have to, oh, I got to go play racquetball. I look forward to it. Even the guys at the racquetball club, they're like, you come here way more than anyone else.

And I go, yeah. And before I played racquetball, I played hockey. I played ice hockey and roller hockey. I'd play both in the same week. I'd play ice hockey on Tuesday and roller hockey on Wednesday in leagues. And when I stepped on the racquetball court, I haven't played hockey since. Now, you might not be a sports guy.

You might not be this, but what I'm saying is take a chance, engage in something, don't give up on your music. There's obviously a seed there. There's a kernel of something. You obviously have music in you. You've tried it. I suggest maybe you go online, do a deep dive on YouTube or online, and catch up with the modern technology that allows you to do music in a way you probably never have.

Find the racketball of music and find the modern machinery and find the apps and find the programs and the microphones and the garage bands and the music and take another crack at it. There's clearly, you know, you said before you met your wife and before you did this, I had these dreams and this passion for music. I challenge you that maybe those elements that harbor deep inside you are not dead. I think they just need to be nourished. You know, like when you plant a seed in a flower pot,

if you don't give it some water and put it in the sun and put little vitamins in it and maybe even talk to it, nurture it, maybe a lot has changed since when you gave up on your music. And maybe destiny, maybe fate was saying, Son, you're not ready for it yet. It's in you, but the time isn't right. The moment for you to produce this music isn't here yet. And maybe all this technology,

maybe the forces had to converge, and now is the time. So maybe it's time to step back onto the racquetball music court and see. And if you find it's a dead end, then go out and start opening doors for yourself. Start traveling. Start trying things. You've never tried. There is passion out there for everyone. Everyone is passionate about something. And yes, it sucks when you hit that slump where you can't feel it. You don't see it. But nothing from nothing leaves nothing. Wayne Gretzky, the greatest hockey, arguably the greatest hockey player of all time, said you never score the goals, you don't shoot.

So get out there, my son, my fake son, and no more opining, no more kind of throwing up the white flag, no more kind of lackadaisically saying, ah, I don't have anything going on. Yeah, you know, I gave up my wife, this and that. dude, light a fire under your ass. Do you know how quickly life goes by? Do you know how briefly we're here? We're here so quickly. And you don't want to get to the end of your journey and go, damn it, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't do, I didn't find, I didn't try, I didn't, like, don't give in, man. Don't give in. The system, want you to give in. The world wants you to give up. The world wants you to lay down on the couch and go to the boring lackadaisical job. That's what the world of man wants. But it's time to shut off the voices of society and listen to your spirit. Open your spirit. Open your

chest of dreams and let the light and the power and the energy and the sunshine flow back inside and let it use you as a conduit and go out and find. And this, I guess, kind of goes out to all of you. I mean, you know, I'm a guy that's sort of overloaded with passions. I do movies. I do TV, I do artwork, I do writing, I do acting, I do the, I don't stop. I'm excited to find the next thing. I am excited to find the very next thing. If I see an opportunity to try something and excel at it or fail at it, I'm jumping in, man. And whether I'm involved for a month or or 15 years, you know, don't be afraid to fail. Don't ever be afraid to fail.

Because death is the final failure. When you're dead, you don't have a chance to fail. Well, you're alive. Just try. And even if you fail, even if you don't do it, there's nothing worse than death. So it's like, okay, I did that, but I didn't die. Because death is final.

So that didn't work, but let me try something else. So I hope that helps my son. When my children come to me, Daddy takes the time to sit down and probably the only serious answer I've ever given in my life. But I feel you, brother. I don't like, I don't want you to not have passion in your heart.

I don't want you to just go through the motions in life. It's too short. It's a fucking gift. We are so blessed to be here. If you could pile all the dead sperms that have come and gone over since the dawn of man, they could probably fill the moon 50 million times. You are a sperm that made it.

You're a miracle. Don't waste it. And even if you don't get to wherever you want to go, at least try and go for it, brother. I mean, son. I don't think my son could be my brother although there were a lot of sperms on that pile maybe, maybe no

so there you go I don't know if that helps or not but keep on going brother find the music music is important let the music come through you let the music be you I know you can do it

get out there racquetball Hi, Arland. Long-time fan, big-time supporter of Cinnamon Angels Fly Fly Away. My name is Stan, and I'm a child psychologist based in New York. I've been a child psychologist for about eight years now. And over the past few years, I've been working on my script writing. I realize that the chances are almost non-existent, but I'm wondering if I could send you a script

for a pilot episode that I wrote to get your feedback. I guess I'd really just like to know if you see any potential in my work. I love my career, but I also really enjoy. creative project and writing. Again, I realize it's the chances of getting my script over to you. I'm going to feel, but I'm someone who believes that it doesn't hurt to ask

and that sometimes things work out even when the probability is in your favor. Wow. Okay, you want to talk about the forces of fate. I did not put these calls in any order. These are all random calls. There was no pre-planning of which played where. But boy, oh boy, does this call

play into the call we just had. And here's a guy who said he's got a job he loves, but he still has a passion for writing. And he's obviously a guy from what it sounds like who's dabbling in it. It's not his profession. He's done some writing. He sat down and did the work.

He put the music on paper. And he's reaching out. He's stepping through that door that I just talked about. taking a chance and he's reaching out to a guy like me who does have tentacles in the writing and entertainment world who is a writer and i've had people approach me before with this same proposition and on some occasions i have done exactly what this gentleman has asked of me i have looked at somebody's work i have given feedback on somebody's work now here Here's the issue with it.

I can't do it. It's not a good practice to have because unfortunately we live in a litigious society where everyone wants to sue everyone. And so as a creative guy myself, it's not in my interest to look at someone else's unsolicited idea. Read it and give them my feedback. And then 10 years from now, three years from now, eight years from now, I come up with an idea that has a red horse in it and his script that I read as a favor had a red horse in it.

And in this sick world that we live in sometimes, people, instead of trying to carve their own way, they get greedy and selfish and deceitful. And all of a sudden the phone rings and it's like, hey, you know that show you're doing about the red horse? Well, that guy's script mentioned a Rand Horse in it that you read five years ago. So that makes it challenging for a guy like me, but I cannot sit here after that previous phone call and not put my money where my mouth is because I just spent 10 minutes telling this guy to get out there and believe in miracles and hope that by putting himself out there, there will be a response.

there will be a chance. And so to demonstrate the concept that I introduced about walking into the racquetball court, you, sir, I am going to look at your material, but here's the caveat. You have to reach out to my fan page. It's our website at gmail.com. You can write to me there, if in fact, you ever see this, I hope you're watching. Our website at gmail.com, you will have to provide a non-disclosure and a document that says,

I can read your material and am free and clear of all liability because I can't put myself at risk, but I will read your material and I will give you my honest creative feedback. feedback on it. Now, this is all being said here. Maybe when you write me, maybe it's not as easy or maybe there's a snafu, but I think it should be easy. And I think as long as we have an agreement in writing, which, believe me, when I was younger, I was just like, yeah, give me your stuff. But it's a devious world these days. Not that this gentleman is devious, but because of the misdeeds of other people, we now all have to dance around and be careful. which really sucks, but the bottom line is to demonstrate what I said to the previous caller, I hope he's inspired by this that on an off chance, you reached out to me, asked me to look at your material in hopes that maybe it moves the needle, maybe I can give you advice, maybe I can point you in a certain direction, whatever it is, it's called forward movement.

It's being here, having a hope and a dream, and now, hopefully if we can work out the paperwork, I can respond to your hope and your dream. And in doing so, demonstrate to our last caller that, see, just fucking go for it, man. Just effing go for it. Okay? I'm doing this. A, I'm very interested to see your material, but I'm also doing it because I want you. to see words in action.

I want you to be a believer. I want you to get that passion back in your heart and go out there and take chances like this gentleman did. Because like I said, you don't take the shots, you don't score the goals. And this guy took his shot. And he should thank you. Because it's probably because of you,

the previous caller, that I'm doing this. I probably, had I not had you before me, I probably would have said no to this, just because this is the world we live in. But if we make everything right, and so I'm really doing it to hope it motivates you, my previous caller, my son. And this gentleman, too, I'm excited to see your stuff.

I'm glad you have passion. I'm not discounting it because of the other caller. I'm sure I can tell you're excited about it, and I will give you my honest feedback for what it's worth. I'm no genius. I'm not Ernest Hemingway. but if you feel that I'm a guy that could give you some positive reinforcement, some feedback, I'm happy to supply that.

So isn't it a funny, funny world, especially your wife's face? And I'm talking to you, Carl Crispy Bread in Duluth. Your wife's face is huge. Harlan, it's Sergio from California. Onykin Beach, me, exactly. Hey, you told me in private the story of the time you and Mongo beat that dead horse you found. I was hoping you could share that with the audience. Love to have them hear it.

Have a great day. Love you. Love you, too. Yeah, Mongo and I, we didn't beat the horse to death. We found a dead horse. And you know Mongo. Mongo is this guy, he's got crooked teeth. Like he can eat a cob of corn like this way.

Okay, he's got the crooked teeth. His hair looks like someone smacked a scarecrow and a head with a bagpipe. He's got muscles upon muscles. We're out camping. We're out, we're trying to do a little fishing. We're trying to do a little camp firing, telling ghost stories, just being bros, bonding, you know, Mongo. And we're walking along and we're out kind of in this area.

of the country that still has wild mustangs. And as you know, everything out in nature has its moment, has its time, and then it expires. So, Mongo, we're walking. Mongo's got like kind of this primal sense of smell. He's like, and he's like, hmm, mongo smell meat. And he talks, I mean, he went to DeVry and everything, but he still talks like this. Mongo smell fresh meat. And I'm like, Mongo?

He's like, follow Mongo. And I'm like, okay, relax. So we walk and we're literally following his nose, like the fruit loop bird. He's like, Mungo follow nose. And we come across this creek bed laying on the gravel a dead horse, a Mustang, a wild Mustang. It had expired. It had it done its time. It probably had a wonderful life.

And we're standing there. And Mongo goes, Mungo not sure. Wild horse dead. Mongo beat Mustang. And I'm like, dude, it's not moving. Like, can you just poke it with a stick? Mongo not take chances with wild Mustang. Dude, come on.

Bam, bam. And I'm like, you help Mongo. You help Mongo beat dead horse. And I'm like, dude, it's dead. Help Mongo or Mongo beat you. And now I'm like, whoa. So now here we are. We pick up some sticks.

We're beating the crap out of the dead horse. And this lasts about 45 minutes. It's an hour. And finally we stop where we're sitting on the rocks. We're like, we're covered in wild Mustang blood. Mongo's got his shirt off. He's got speckles of blood all over his face. I got like horse blood dripping down my naked chest.

Flies on us, the sun beating down. And Munger just looks at me and he goes, Did you bring hamburger buns? And I'm like, Munga, what? did you bring hamburger buns for mongo i'm what are you talking about hamburger buns mongo want mongo want horseburger what uh you want to make a horseburger

mongo spend our pounding meat tenderizing horse meat wild mustang mongo want horseburger with cheese mongo not only did i not bring hamburger buns I did not bring slices of cheese. How about relish? No, I didn't bring relish. Manez? No, no mayonnaise.

Sliced onions or ketchup? No, Mongo, I did not bring condiments. I did not anticipate us beating a dead horse by the river for an hour. Well, then Mongo eat horse raw, like sushi horse. Mongo, you're going to get parasites. no such thing as a sushi horse. You ever eat sushi? Yes, I have.

How do they cook it? Mongo, you don't cook sushi, you eat it raw. Exactly. So Mongo eat sushi horse. Go ahead. This guy, Mongo, I told you the story, you know, but all the rest of you don't know. This guy knows. Mongo eats the freaking horse, and it's tender.

I mean, this thing's like Kobe horse beef. He eats it right down to the hoofs. We start walking again. He fucking collapses. He got a tapeworm. He got Paris. I don't know what he did. And so now I got to beat Mongo's dead body for an hour and I eat Mongo.

And that's the true story. He knows. So there it is. I told it again. I hope I don't have to tell it again. But that's the Mongo Dead Horse story, just the way he asked. Duh. And I think we're down to our last call, ladies and gentlemen.

So don't forget, I don't know what the last call is. but if you want to get in on this madness, 323-696-0-2-2-2. And don't forget that website, that Gmail is our website at gmail.com. Don't everybody start sending me their stuff. I know you're probably going, oh my God, this guy's doing it.

I'm going to do it. This is a one-off. I don't have time to look at everybody's things. I don't have the legal capacity. I'm doing it because this was just a moment of fate. So don't everybody start sending me their stuff. I don't have time in my day to look at it. It's a lot of work reading other people.

You think, oh, it's just to read the guy's 30-minute script. Well, when you got a busy life, that's a lot, that's demanding. So just the one guy. By the way, that Gmail is also a fan page. So if you want to write other stuff, I'm just saying don't use it to send me all your projects because I can't. I just can't. I can't. Oh, I can't.

It's just too much. Someone get me a cool ice pack. Someone get me Mongo's wig. Oh, Mongo. Mongo don't wear wig. Mongo have hair plugs. Oh, Mongo. Mongo.

All right, our last call. Here we go. Hope it's a good one. Hey, Marl. Ellen Caller? Mongo? I'm in the shower right now. I was just listening to your podcast and I'm brushing my teeth.

Sorry, I had to, I'd like to blend my head to clear my throat. But anyways, I recently read on Google the other day because I'm a part of that generation that just loves that Google everything. Not many people brush their teeth in the shower. And you're a busy guy. I'm a busy guy. And I'm just wondering, do you brush your teeth in their shower? It just saves so much time.

I know I feel weird doing this. I'm going to finish brush my teeth. I'm going to get back to your podcast. Have a good day. Great, great. Yes, excellent question. I guess his mouth was full of it. It sounded like a chipmunk sucking paint off of an outhouse.

But yes, yes, of course. When I finished peeing in the shower, I brush my teeth in the shower. I actually do all my dental work in the shower. I have a dentist that comes over. I've had four root canals in the shower. I got fitted for an envisaline in the shower. I had my wisdom teeth removed in the shower.

The shower is the quintessential place to do all your dental work. Oh, my God. Oh, the beautiful, warm, cascading water on your naked flesh. and a strange man in a white coat hovering over your head with sharp instruments and implements. And, oh, God, I got a teeth cleaning tomorrow at 7 a.m. in my shower. I'm going to put it on extra hot, all the steam billowing around, really loosens up my pores. A lot of times I'll get the dentist to scrub me down while I'm in there. I'm like, yeah, look, well, I'm out on the Novacane.

Can you just take this lufa and, you know, really? Give me a good scrubbing their dentist. And they charge a little extra for that, but it's fine. You're in the shower. Let them scrub you down. And when the nurse, the assistant is there, they do your hair. You know, it's a time saver. You're getting a root canal.

The assistant is shampooing and conditioning your hair. It's a win-win. It's a win-win. Yes, yes, I shower. I do brush my teeth in the shower. All my dentistry is done in the shower. My sister's gynecologist is in her shower, and that's a whole other story,

but that's it. We don't have time for it. Folks, I hope you enjoyed today's show. We're going to do these randomly here and there. They're so fun to do. I love hearing from you guys. I just never know what you're going to ask me or talk about. And these are all winners.

323-6-9-6-0-2-2-2, and give us your call and make sure you subscribe to the podcast, the Harland Highway. If you haven't hit that subscribe button yet, please hit it right now. Our numbers are going up, and it's just making everything better and better, and it's so fun. Don't forget, we have merchandise at Harbling.com. You can buy my hand-drawn shirts. And if you want a personal video message from me, you can get on the Cameo app. Go to Cameo and request me and just tell me what the messages you want.

It can be a birthday. It can be a graduation. It could be a funeral. It could just be a pep talk. It could be whatever you want it to be. It's a lot of fun. And I love doing those as well. So that's it for today, everybody.

get out there, follow your dreams. Don't ever let the music stop, no matter what you're doing. Keep it flowing, everybody. We're only here for a little bit of time. Let's make music together. That's it for now. See you next time on the Halle Highway podcast. And until then, you know the words, chicken, chow,

main baby are we done okay I'm gonna go have a shower yeah I got a floss yeah

okay