The Harland Highway - The 2nd VIRUS SPECIAL featuring army vet, Tom Dowdy discussing virus strategy!

Episode Date: March 29, 2020

The 2nd Harland Highway VIRUS SPECIAL featuring Army vet, Tom Dowdy discussing virus strategy! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello, everybody. Welcome to another very special edition of the Harland Highway. This is a virus edition, part two. This is a rare little thingy thing that I'm doingy doing because of the virus. And today we've got a show where we're going to be talking about the virus. We're going to be talking about it on a deeper level, on a psychological level. We're almost going to be talking about it on a therapeutic level. We're going to get into the deepness and the ramifications and the social changes that perhaps are coming because of this virus.

Uh-huh. And then also I'm going to be talking about an old movie. There's an old movie I saw when I was a little kid that maybe prepared me for this when I was a young in. Can you believe it when I was nine years old? something that kind of stayed with me my whole life, and now it's kind of here in a weird way. And then, of course, most of us wonder what the hell to do during a time like this, and nobody knows better when you're fighting an enemy than Colonel Commander, French Lieutenant Tom Dowdy, he's a military man, and he's going to be calling in from an undisclosed location,

and we're going to be talking to him about how we beat this thing, how we combat an invisible enemy. So get ready. Put your helmets on. This is the Harlan. Highway You just made a wrong turn On to the Harland Highway Oh, it's lovely, it's just lovely The Harland Highway Hi, Harlan, I'm Teddy Rout Spin and I'm your friend

Riding down the Harlan Highway I'm not your daddy Hmm. Okay, so here we are again, Lirtle Gurdens and Blogger Duggins. Once again, I have crawled out from under the rock from wherest I live, and I'm doing another episode of the Harland Highway, but I'm doing it because, well, I guess for a bit of a selfish reason and an unselfish reason, I'm doing it in a way for myself so I can think out loud and, and, and, and, talk about this thing because I'm hold up alone at my house. I mean, yes, I've got my 30 or 40 girlfriends here with me in bikinis, of course, but outside of that, I feel very alone. So it's like I want to kind of get my thoughts out, out loud, and speak and talk about it. But at the same time, part of what I'm thinking about is the rest of the world and people

and how people are handling this and how in a way that they're, they're suffering a little bit. And so I thought, man, if I've got any gifts of making people laugh or think or smile or get their mind off of things for a little bit or, you know, be, what's the word I'm looking for? I can't even think of it. But it'll come back to me. I'm under a lot of stress.

So I thought, you know, maybe I should do this just to, you know, get something out there for people to enjoy and laugh at and think about. And so here I am. I'm doing it for many reasons, but mostly for you guys. I know this is a tough time. It's an interesting time, and we're going to get into that deeper. But so far people are maintaining. So far people aren't riding in the streets. Now, if I'm being honest, I've been out a few times to get groceries or whatnot, and I've got to say, man, is it nice to have empty streets? I mean, I live in Los Angeles, okay?

And to not have traffic around, I'm probably going to fake a virus when this is over just so I can get to where I need to go in a hundred times faster the time than what I normally move around. I will tweet out that I have a virus and, you know, everyone's so paranoid now. People will just get off the street and then I'll get to where I want to go. I'll get back home and say, oh, false alarm. I don't have a virus. I just had some allergies. But it'll be too late because I got to my meeting. I got to where I had to go.

But, you know, it's interesting. I'm noticing, you know, people when I was out going to the store, I saw, you know, I saw a guy like, fly through a stop sign and go through a red light. And I don't know if he's doing that because, you know, he's of the mindset like, oh my God, it's the end of days. Fuck it. Or is he like, you know what? There's no cops around.

There's no cops. There's no. Cops aren't going to pull me over for anything. So, you know, it's a little, it's a little foreshadow of that kind of, you know, that that kind of people, when things start to change, when things start to change, when things starts to go back. The rules start to dissolve a little bit. But right now it's just a little tiny hint of it, but when that starts going more and more, ooh, that's when it gets a little iffy out there. But so far, people are being cordial and responsible and maintaining their

perspective on that we all need to be in this together and get through it together. and another interesting thing. So I live up in the hills here in Los Angeles. And from my perspective, because I'm in the hills, you have this overview of the city of Los Angeles. And every night, because it's such a big city, 11 million people in L.A. and L.A. County and the surrounding counties,

there's a constant white noise, because there's so many people, there's constantly traffic, no matter, there's always like, like you always hear like kind of a hum, a hiss. You hear a siren, you hear a motorcycle, you hear a car with one of those fancy exhaust systems revving. But I'll tell you what, man, it's so weird. When I go out at night now and I look out over the horizon, the city of lights, man, it's quiet. I literally feel like I'm out in the country on a farm or something.

I've never heard it so silent. It's very eerie. It's kind of nice in a way, too. It's very, like, it's very cool. But it's a little eerie and weird and off-putting. And so that's where we're at. And so I thought, let's do another podcast. Let's have a little fun.

Let's talk about this. So today's podcast is on the front end, it's kind of more serious talking about the ramifications of what we're all going through. And then on the back end, we're going to have a lot of fun because we have a specialist who deals with war and enemies.

And he's going to kind of talk us through his experience and what maybe we need to do to stay alive and and preserve ourselves. So let's get to it here. Let's start. Why don't we start, you know, because we all have a lot of questions about the virus. Roger, why don't we start with this? Why don't we start with the Harland Highway question of the day and just jump right in? All right. Hit it, Raj. Here we go. Boom. The Harland Highway. Question of the day. Ooh. Do you feel it?

Do you feel the change brewing in the air, my friends? Do you feel it? I feel it. Why don't you feel it? What I'm talking about is, by the way, welcome to the Harland Highway virus podcast. What I'm talking about, my friends, is do you feel that change in the air since the old Virocio hit us? It's kind of interesting, isn't it? And when I say the change in the air, I mean in our attitudes, in our personal wants and needs. Do you kind of get that feeling now that every one of us is vulnerable?

Every one of us is a possible victim to this faceless scourge that could be lethal, that could kill us, that's upended our way of life, that's got us confined to our little cubicles? and now that you've had this time where you're forced to kind of be on your own and not have all the things that a modern society surround you with, but you've been isolated from your friends, from places, from social activities. And in that isolation,

do you start to rethink your friends, your priorities and your values? I think we all probably do. You know, the world society is such a rolling rock down a hill. All of us, a bunch of rolling rocks picking up moths and sticks and smashing things out of our way as we race to the bottom. And then all of a sudden, When this invisible force shield comes up and tells us to stop, stop racing, stop running.

There's no more rat race. There's no more seeing who can have the best hairstyle or the best clothes at work that day. There's no more dating. There's no more going to the movie. There's no more sporting your fancy car rolling down the street, revving the engine, trying to make the other cars look like crap. Have you started to realize all the layers we wear as human beings as a society, collectively and individually?

In all this isolation and all this fear, do you start to go, gee, maybe that stupid fight I've been having with my girlfriend for five years is a real waste of time. Maybe the anger I have towards my neighbor is really a waste of time. Maybe those stupid lawsuits I'm in over what? Wait, what were those lawsuits about again? I'm fighting over a guy because he turns his sprinkler on or plays his music too loud or I got in a fight with a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a husband or a wife. and I'm suing them

because they won't give me my CDs back even though nobody has a CD player anymore? You know, it's interesting. And I think there's two sides to this virus. I think physically this virus is nothing but negative and dangerous and scary and lethal if it gets the chance. But on the psychological side,

once you get past the stuff that scares us, I think there's a healthy side to this. And I'm not discounting that there's fear and panic and anxiety and all that stuff, maybe even suicidal thoughts. But when you get to the other half of the human psyche, You got this world where maybe people are rethinking their priorities. Maybe they're reprogramming themselves, the way they think, the way they thought about what they're doing in life, what their values are, what they're striving for, what they want, what they really need. What's real, what's superficial, what matters.

No. I mean, have you had that? Are you coming to those moments? I bet you are. And there's other layers too where you, you know, we're so used to the creature comforts of our society, right? Psychologically, we've always got it in the back of our head. Well, if I stub my toe or break my ankle or Sprayed my wrist or throw my back out. I can just run down to the emergency room or my doctor or the chiropractor. I can go get a nice one-hour hot rock massage. But wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Now it's like, do you want to enter a hospital where there's all kinds of sick people with the virus? Will doctors even have the time to see you? so now you're reflecting on your health you know you always went along oh cheese burger schmeese burger coffee i can drink coffee i can do this i don't need to go to the gym let everyone else go for a walk i'm i feel good but then suddenly suddenly when those safety nets get cut away or the people to help you. I've fallen and I can't get up. Yeah, well, fuck you.

I ain't coming in your house. Remember, remember that commercial? I've fallen and I can't get up. Well, everyone's going to come and run and help the old lady up on her feet. Not anymore. Fuck you, lady. I hope you stay down so you don't get near me.

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Maybe this podcast is your jumping off point. Maybe this is a virus that gives us all a chance to rethink what we're doing with our lives. Make us realize that time is fleeting, that things go by fast. That book you've always wanted to write. that screenplay you've always wanted to write, that camping trip you've always wanted to do, that trip to Japan you've always wanted to do. That wood carving, that painting, that person you wanted to tell your secrets to.

And it's in these moments where everyone's on lockdown and all the social norms don't exist anymore. And all the interaction and the communication has been altered? And suddenly, you have to look in the mirror and say, what am I doing? Where am I going? What have I done with my life? Because most of us have been rolling rocks.

We roll down the hills so fast. try to keep up with everyone else. We're racing to that bigger bank account. We're racing to that bigger house. We're racing to do this, to do that. And maybe this is a bit of a reset button. It's a cruel way to do it. But interestingly enough, and this is rare, this is unusual.

it's afflicting every single human being on the planet. You know, even in great wars, World War I and World War II, you know, those were pockets. The world was affected, but it was only pockets of the planet that were actually, you know, receiving fire. You know, Germany and the UK were getting pelted with bombs and tanks and machine gun fire. People dying in the street, Russia.

But nobody in Ohio was getting a bomb dropped on them. Nobody in Bermuda, nobody in Cuba, nobody in Australia, nobody in India. So even the great world wars were very selective on who got directly affected. But this, this invisible phantom, it floats among all of us. It's like that creeping cloud. I don't know if you ever saw an old movie called The Ten Commandments with Charlton Heston. But there's a terrifying scene. I remember it as a boy where this Passover cloud came.

It was part of the plague brought down. And during the Passover, this dark cloud crept out of the sky and was to take the firstborn son of every family or something. like that. I don't know the exact biblical. And you had to paint a red X on your door with sheep's blood. I forget if it's if you had a kid or you didn't have a kid. I can't remember, but as a boy watching this, it was terrifying.

It was like this thing coming out of the sky and you couldn't stop it. It wasn't manmade. It was almost this invisible thing in the air and it was coming to take people. And I was like, oh my God. But even then it was selective. It was only taking the firstborn sun. But this is a creeping thing in the air that's coming for all of us. Ooh.

And so that's why I asked the question. That's why I asked the question, where are we going in all of this? Was this divine intervention? Even though this is a horrible, painful, savage way to do things, was this nature's way of slapping us in the face? Was this divine intervention? It was this God going, hey, everybody, slow your roll, man. Gucci handbags and Facebook and diamond rings and fast cars.

private jets and yachts and caviar and that stuff's not what matters here people that's not what matters there's bigger more important things the human race needs to start focusing on things that matter instead of everyone running around trying to collect things and attain credits. Everybody needs to wake up every morning not thinking about how much of a bonus they're going to make or whether they're going to get their Starbucks coffee. Maybe everyone has to wake up in the morning like Elon Musk

can go, how do we make a difference? How do we stop the pollution? How do we clean up the oceans? How do we move traffic more safer and more environmentally? friendly. How do we get to other planets? How do we get to Mars and how do we get out into the galaxy and spread out because I'll tell you what? For those of you that scoff at the space program, for those of you that think it's a colossal waste of money to try and inhabit the moon

and colonize Mars, well guess what, baby? If this thing becomes lethal, if this thing becomes lethal, that this thing becomes bigger and wider and more devastating, where it starts dropping nine out of ten people? You're going to be like, wow, I wish we had a backup plan. I wish we had another planet where the clean people could escape to until this thing blew over, and we can come back and recolonize Earth. Or even if we can't come back to Earth,

at least we can start fresh on this other planet. And that's the importance of human ingenuity and curiosity and adventurism. That's why the great creator, if that's what you believe in, gave us the imagination and the ingenuity to always be thinking forward, to always wonder what's at the bottom of the sea and what's beyond the galaxies. what's buried in the earth and there's a reason we have all this stuff. It wasn't just, I don't think the great forces that B created us so we could one day solve a jigsaw puzzle or a Rubik's Cube.

There's a divine reason why we push so hard and we want to go out and explore and conquer. And maybe this is a reminder that we have to do that and we have to do it, and we have to do it ecologically friendly. And it slows us down from maybe the unimportant things in life that we put so much value on. Try to make sure our hair looks like the Kardashians and that we've got the most expensive dress and our lips are puffed up and we've been working out at the gym and we got the best six-pack and we ay, y, aye, y. So,

that's why I ask. Do you feel it? Is this thing changing your your consciousness? Is this virus making you switch gears to a degree or are you already going, well, I'm kind of seen all that stuff he's saying, but the second

this is over, you know, I'll go right back to what I was doing. I don't know. We'll see. As bad as this is, maybe we have to, and I think all humans always do this, no matter how bad it is, whether it's war or disease or nature, a natural disaster, I think human beings are wired to always find the good or the positive or the upside of something horrific and disastrous. Even when a forest fire wipes out a million acres, we celebrate the green sprouts that come up through the ashes and the regrowth. And so does the human psyche and the human mind.

And so within this tragedy, if we survive it, and I think we will, I don't want to be a doomsdayer, do we reemerge on the other side of the corrupt, coronavirus, as much more sensible, as much more in tune, as much more aware, much more compassionate and an understanding of each other, much more as a team. Because we are one in this moment. We are one. And so ask yourself, while you're in this moment.

the moment? Do you feel it? Are you changing? When the moment ends, will you hold on to what you've learned? Will you be a different person on the other side? I guess we'll have to wait and see. Let's just hope we get there. And that's the Harland Highway. Question of the day. Question of the day. Okay. I had to do it. I had to go get the clip from the Ten Commandments of the Passover Cloud. It's truly scary. Sounds like the beginning of thriller. But it's this scene where you see this dark, misty, cloud creeping over the full moon.

And it's spiraling down towards planet Earth. It's in the middle of the night. And everyone, just like we are now, are huddled in their homes, terrified. People are screaming in the streets. Though we stand in the shadow of death, the Lord is our God. The Lord is one. The Lord is one. His truth shall be thy shield and butler.

Shield us through this night of terror, old king of the universe. Why is everyone afraid? Why is this night different from all others? Because this night the Lord our God will deliver us from the bondage of Egypt. So, shall not be afraid for the terror by night. So, all these people, there's like 12 people huddled in a house. There's soldiers out in the streets.

Painting doors with sheep's blood. People are dying. People are screaming. And you can see this mist. creeping through the streets, taking people. It's very frightening. I saw this as a boy. I saw this as a 10-year-old boy, nine years old. Good Lord.

It is not forbidden to look upon the breath of pestilence. Then see where it is here. Do not look, Elie, sir. Close the door, Joshua, and let death pass. Oh, my God. How freaky is that? Now, I don't want to scare you guys, but, but, you know, this is,

this is like something that's been implanted in my brain since I was a young child. Remember, this is the Ten Commandments, a biblical movie about God and love and brotherhood and. And yet here's this scene that stayed with me my whole life. Maybe in a way it prepared me for this. You know, I've always said that this is something I kind of saw coming for a long time. Ever since I was young, I kind of imagined a time like this. But anyhow, it's a time. But anyhow, if you want to see it, just go on YouTube and type in Ten Commandments, Passover scene.

And if it freaks you out just hearing it, way do you see it? Back then, for back then the special effects and the way they shot the film, it's very, it's very riveting. It's very, it's very frightening. and you know you see people dropping in the streets and the mist creeping through all the houses and then you've got these people these 12 people huddled in this home putting their faith in God that this invisible thing will go by them and not touch them and maybe that's the way we're all feeling inside it's kind of kind of interesting man You know, there's people that try to pull religion into this whole thing.

And sometimes you look at stuff like this and you go, okay. I mean, the Passover thing was a whole different application, but okay, something a little freaky about this. So check it out if you dare. I don't want you to have nightmares. I don't want you to, you know, on any other day you'd go, okay, it's an old movie from the 70s. Okay, what a cloud's coming down? Okay, well, so. But to look at it in today's context, you're like,

it's kind of like, whoa. Like, it's almost scarier than any real horror movie. You'd see like aliens or Nightmare on Elm Street or The Exorcist. Like, you watch this little clip, and you're like, okay, this is kind of real, sort of, um, hello. So if you have the virus, balls to look at that on YouTube. It's kind of interesting. But, you know, another thing that's interesting about the clip, too, is that people are together. They're like a family. They're

amassed inside their little home. And they're staying inside to keep the bad stuff out, the invisible death that's waiting outside the door. And so we're we're all doing that. We're all trying to get to a place where we're safe and we're hidden from an enemy. And I talked to Roger about it and we thought, you know, there's only one person we know who's had more experience with dealing with, quote, unquote, the enemy than any other individual we know. And this is a gentleman that has been a regular caller to the Harland Highway. This guy is a a master of war, if you will. He's a highly decorated military servicemen.

And on many occasions, he has talked to us about his service and the strategy of war, the theater of war. And so we thought, who better to talk about self-isolating and protecting oneself and combating an enemy that is unlike any we've really experienced before. And I'm talking, of course, about Colonel, Inspector, Left Lieutenant, right-handed commander, senior squad leader, French lieutenant Tom Dowdy. This is a gentleman who's been in the Korean theater.

He was in Vietnam. He was in Afghanistan. He was in Iraq. I mean, this guy's been in, you know, just about every war that's gone by. And so we thought it might be helpful to get some tips from him on how to hide in plain sight, how to stay safe, how to avert and avoid this virus, how to survive it, how to, I'll just say it, damn well combat the invisible enemy. And so without further ado, if we got him on the line, Roger, he's, okay, good.

He's on the line. Let's patch him through. Tom Dowdy, Colonel Major, I gave you all his credits. Sir, are you there, sir? Hello, Commander Dowdy, are you there, sir? Fox Trot 7249er 7. Sir, are you there? 5-9er-7-4-3-6-2, Foxtrot 0-7-9er.

Uh, howl... Sir? Uh, go ahead and verify, verify Fox 9-7-9er Foxtrod-0 Whiskey Oscar. Commander Tom Dowdy, this is Harland Williams, from the Harland Highway. Uh, please hold. Roger, what the hell is he doing? What is it, what is all these, these numbers and stuff?

What the hell is he doing? Uh, go ahead, civilian, you are clear. You are, I repeat, you are clear to go. Sir? Go ahead, civilian, you are a go. Uh, commander, Tom, Tom, Major Corporal Dowdy. You have been cleared, civilian. you are a go.

I'm a ghost, sir. What was all that, it sounded like some kind of code? We are at an act of war right now, a civilian. We are in an act of war. We are engaged. I needed to have

verification. I needed to have positive. I did. The new BMO VI Porter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks. More points. More flight. more of all the things you want in a travel rewards card and then some get your ticket to more with the new bemo v i porter mastercard and get up to twenty four hundred dollars in value in your first thirteen months terms and conditions apply visit bemo.com slash viporter to learn more

uh so that's what that was you were checking that is correct civilian i was checking to make sure you are who you are Our tyrannies. These dangerous times, I don't leave anything to chance civilian. Exactly. I understand Commander, left-wing colonel, inspector, corporal, French lieutenant dowdy. If anyone's experienced in the game of war, it's you, sir. I wouldn't call it a game if I were used to a civilian. What was that, sir? Are you coughing?

Negative, negative on the cough. That was my ceiling fan. I had an interruption in my circuitry. Sir, it sounded like a little bit of a cough there. Negative. Negative. I'm having some ceiling fan issues. Go ahead. You are a go-go civilian. Sir, there's a little bit of an echo on your phone line there. Where are you? I will not disclose my location, but let's just say I am 16 feet underground surrounded by lead and a submarine door that cannot be penetrated even with artillery fire. Are you in an underground bunker, sir? I cannot deny or confirm over.

Sir, wait a minute, 16 feet underground with a big metal door? That is confirmed, yes. I am surrounded by lead, 14 feet of concrete, and 19 feet of metal, plus a barrier of salt water, and, well, let's just say to get to me would be like trying to get inside Rosie O'Donnell's Bush with a weed whacker. Sir, what in the... It sounds like you're hunkered in. I'm anchored in deeper than a footloose gopher.

with a bag of grass seed dripping out of its hairy asshole. What does that mean, sir? That's for me to know, and you to find out, civilians, these are dangerous times. I am a soldier, and I am doing what I was trained to do, 10-4. Well, you know, I guess it doesn't surprise me that, you know, and I don't want to give anything away, but it sounds like you're in an underground bunker,

and I guess that's probably the smart thing to do. I will not confirm or deny civilian. Suffice to say, I think you'd have a hard time getting to me. You'd have to slap Austin Powers' teeth on your asshole and dig through the ground ass first. Sir, what, put Austin Powers' teeth on my asshole? What does that even mean? Did you have another question, Civilian?

Yes, sir. We were wondering, you know, due to the horrific nature of this virus and all that comes with it, what kind of precaution should people be taking if this thing grows and expands and becomes more devastating? Well, one thing you have to understand, civilian, there is a very thin line, a very thin. in line between... Sir, is that the ceiling fan again? That is affirmative. My ceiling fan has a wobble

due to some moisture issues and some faulty wiring. No need for alarm, civilian. You know, your ceiling fan sounds a lot like a cough, sir. Did you have a question? Yes, sir. I was asking, in the event of this type of thing, What type of evasive measures can people take if this thing gets crazier?

As I was saying, civilian, there is a very thin line between civility and anarchy. You know, once the slightest little thing goes wrong, when there's a slight little tilt in the things we know and love and count on every day, if the internet goes down if the lights go out if the gasoline pumps go dry and they start running out of food at the grocery stores

sir can you stop with the heavy breathing and hissing It sounds like someone strangling a badger or something. I'm just trying to drive home a point a million. That we are used to all the things we have in life. Oh, they're always there. Here comes the mailman. Here comes the pizza delivery.

Here comes the latest to-go at the sex shop. Sir? And then all of a sudden click. The lights go out. The power grid shuts down. The gasoline pumps are drier than Rebel Wilson's panty drawer on a Saturday night. Sir, if you can stop the Komodo Dragon sounds, it's a little offsetting. I mean, we're already all a little bit on edge.

Now, we get it that, that, you know, it's a perilous time that things could kind of, Turn on a dime. Oh, they'll turn all right. They'll turn like blueberries, cranberries, raspberries, and avocados, and avocado, and a fucking blender at Rebel Wilson's house. And she makes a frat smoothie. I'm telling you, civilian, the shit show is about to become the diarrhea carnival. Whoa, the what? You earned me.

if you thought the tsunamis and the earthquakes and the fucking shutting down of the stock market were bad wait until this virus creeps into your lungs and eat you from the inside like Jeffrey Dalmer and all you can eat fucking do worm festival sir sir is there things people can do to

protect themselves to to social distancing, civilian. Yes, yeah, okay, that's making more sense. Social distancing is something we've all been, have hammered into our head that we're supposed to keep away. Do you agree with this? Oh, yeah. I agree with it, all right.

Have you ever heard this saying, I wouldn't touch you with a 40-foot pole? Yes, sir? Well, I wouldn't touch you with the jolly green giant. still know. Sir, what? Well, I'm not sure if these terms are helpful or not. What I'm saying, sir, you've got to get creative. You've got to figure out how to hide in plain sight.

You've got to learn to evade and distort. When I was in Vietnam, I became a master of hiding in plain sight. Can you give us an example of that? an example of that, Commander, uh, French, French lieutenant, uh, Colonel Dowdy? I should, can. How about Vietnam? Can't be a few. Nineteenth 64. I'm in a fucking field of rice. The gooks are coming down the hill right towards me. I got nowhere to go, civilians. So what do I do? I look down. I see a big pile of water buffalo shit sitting in the rice.

And next to that, I see some mongoose feces, a spitting cobra. And yeah, you guessed it. A whooping crane turned. Sir, this sound... What? Hang on, civilian. Have you ever done finger painting when you were in school? Finger paint? Yeah, I guess in kindergarten, probably.

Have you ever done finger painting with water buffalo shit? Sir, are you telling me? That's right. When you got the enemy running down on you and flaring those fucking machine guns, you'll do anything you can to hide a plane side. I've been down and I painted my face with water buffalo shit. Shit like Van Gogh, what the fuck, and all you can eat, Casab like a dildo factory. Sir! What are you saying?

I'm saying sometimes you got a sink low to get high, civilian. And I covered myself with mongoose feces around my eyes. Water buffalo shit around my face. hummingbird droppings under my earlobes and on my forehead king cobra shit that's right

it's poison to the smell sir are you telling me you covered yourself in poo to hide from the enemy bingo sailor and you know what those Vietnamese soldiers ran Rory passed me.

They didn't even blink in a eye. They thought I was a shit tree blowing in the wind. Good God, sir. Can we bring it back to a more domestic scenario here? I mean, we're talking about people hiding in the cities, in their neighborhoods, in the suburbs. I got you. And here's what I'll tell you.

When you're trying to hide from the enemy, when the fucking shit comes off the fan blade and starts flying through the neighborhoods you're going to want to hide and you're going to want to hide real quick you're going to want to hide faster than fucking John Lennon at a fucking round glasses

fucking factory Sir, can you just skip to What I'm trying to say Camouflage is your best friend Well, sir, I don't think everybody has camouflage like army fatigues and camouflage shirts and hats. One word. What? One word. That's right.

What do you mean one word? Applebee's. Did you say Applebee's, sir? That's right. You heard me. I said Applebees. What do you mean Applebee's, sir? One other word. Yes, sir? T-G-G-I-F.

Sir, is that... That sounded like a cock, sir. Negative. That was a wobbly ceiling fan blade. Go fuck yourself. Sir, no need to get... For the hostilities, I'm just concerned about you. I'm talking about Applebee's.

I'm talking about, thank God it's Fridays. I'm talking about Ponderosa. I'm talking about Pizza Hut. I'm talking about... Sizzler, I'm talking about. Sir, you're listing off all these family restaurants. I'm not sure where you're going with this. Two words.

Oh, two words now. Salad bar. Did you say salad bar, sir? Affirmative salient. What do you mean salad bar? If you want to hide in plain sight. And you don't have any fatigues or camouflage wear to hide yourself. You want to get to all these family restaurants because they have an all you can eat.

Salad bar is a million. What does a salad bar have to do with hiding? You take all your clothes off. You jump into a salad bar. Guess what? suddenly you got lettuce leaves all over your face you got pimento cherries on your tits you got shallots on your fucking belly button you got goat cheese all over your balls you've got shredded carrots on your fucking penis and vagina You've got cucumber slices on your nipples.

You've got croutons up your ass crack, and nobody, and I mean nobody, is going to see through that bullshit. Sir, I'm sorry, are you saying, in order to hide, if things get out of control, if there's societal upheaval, if people are riding in the streets, you're suggesting that, People get to an Applebee's and hide in the salad bar? You would be civilian. You want to stay alive.

Go ahead. Wander the streets. You want to live. You get your naked ass into an Applebee's salad bar faster than fucking Gomer Piled digging a fucking hole and a fucking Don Knott's hairdo. Sir, are you sure about this? I've been in the theater of war

most of my adult life trust me you want to get into a salad bar and you want to hunker down deep and when people are running around with their hair on fire and their skin peeling off pitch forks and their fucking necks

fucking wild dogs hanging off their nutsacks you're going to be laying on a nice cool bed of ice lettuce, romaine, butter lettuce, coleslaw, nice cool lettuce leafs around in your face, and then your eyes pop open, and you watch the madness as you lay there under a nice,

cool, refreshing garden salad. Sir, listen, we respect your point of of you. We definitely have great admiration for your skills in the military field, but isn't this, this sounds a little far-fetched to, I think, myself and my listeners, sir. Oh, good for you. Good for you, civilian. I'll tell you what, when you got people from the suburbs, You've got the Johnsons and the Davidsons, the Jacksons, the mulberries, all grabbing you by your wrists and your ankles and pulling you apart. And you scream in the middle of the street. They slowly pull your arms from their sockets.

They pull your femurs from your pelvic girdle. And they start eating your appendages. You still lay there alive, your torso watching every juicy bite. Then you tell me who's the fucking retard, okay, civilian? Sir, I did not call you that word. I'm just saying this. You know what? I can't stay on the phone this long.

Someone might take my location. Sir, if you could just stay on a little longer, this is important stuff. Nice to dry asshole. Why don't you go get a slice of garlic bread? Shove it up your ass and take yourself to the olive garden and dip your fucking fat, stupid face in a deep bowl of a rich-style dressing.

I hope you make it. I'm out here on my own. I'm doing this for me. Go fuck yourself, Chinaman. What? What, China, man, why would you say that at the end? And, well, oh my God. You know, Roger, this whole thing's scaring up, but you hear this guy.

Why do you have to, Chinaman? What does that mean at the end? He says this. I think this guy just scared me more about this whole thing that's going on. Sweet God. You know, I think maybe we, maybe we, maybe we, end it there my nerves are a little rattle to be honest she so mighty well anyway switching gears you know obviously doing this podcast to try and put a smile on your face and um if you want

some other laughs i'm pretty sure you'll laugh um i've started this new project and uh it's a it's a video series and it's called two guys in their underpants and it's about these two crazy dolls and they go on these crazy adventures and they're insane

it's kind of like Mr. Bill meets Beavis and Butthead and I've been shooting and editing and putting a lot of work into these videos and they're available only at my Patreon page Patreon is a digital platform where artists and creative people can post their stuff and people that are fans of that stuff or of that artist can pay a small fee, a monthly fee, to get all the stuff that this artist posts.

And so every 10 days I'm posting a new episode of two guys in their underpants, as well as some other very interesting stuff. stuff uh the other day i posted a short story that was kind of about the end of the world i narrated a short story and put that up there i'm going to be putting up a uh it's not really humor related but i i built a structure on my property from the ground up and um i shot the whole thing and i'm doing a little video series where you can watch uh watch me erect a structure on a piece of bare land from beginning to end. So that's kind of a neat thing. And then I'm also going to be posting a very timely, a very serious video series that I've

shot over the last years, which is very relevant. It's called the Australian, and it's basically a very post-apocalyptic serious series about the world dying of a virus, if you can believe it. Talk about timing. So I'm going to start posting that soon. So there's all kinds of cool stuff that I've been working on in the background that you would never see out in the real world unless you join my Patreon page. And I don't like to ask for money, but the Patreon page, you'll see when you get on there, I put a ton of work into this stuff and it all adds up. And so the Patreon page is designed to help finance these special projects that I'm doing on the side because they do record.

require money and time and energy and all that stuff. So, oh, it looks like a fairy just ding to me. So if you get the chance, go to patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. That's patreon.com backslash Harlan Williams, P-A-T-R-E-O-N. Patreon.com back-slash Harland-Williams. and check it out and the thing is you can go on and you can sign up and if you don't like it you can just jump off but please if you have the chance jump on and look at some of the content at least look at the two guys in their underpants and if you don't find it funny and silly

I'll be surprised but you know check it out and if you like what you see you can stay on and know that there's tons more material coming. So I'm very excited about it, and I think you'll get some big laughs out of my Patreon page, patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. So thank you for that, and I hope you enjoyed this. In fact, in the future, I might even be putting more podcasts up on my Patreon page. so that's another reason to join

but meanwhile let's just focus on right now you guys be safe out there stay patient stay courteous stay friendly to your neighbors and friends I can see in the days to come

people's nerves getting a little bit afraid but everyone kind of stay the course we're all in this together and let's do this let's conquer this thing and get to the other side of it. And I'm wishing everyone my prayers and thoughts and best wishes

and stay positive and happy and healthy and listen to the guidelines. Don't be out there mingling. Don't be doing any speed dating. Maybe slow down on your Tinder. And I think we'll make it through. So that's it for now. Not sure if I'll be doing any more podcasts,

but as I said, this one was kind of out of a necessity for myself and also for you guys, I can tell that people need laughter out there. And so here it is. Thanks for tuning in. Love you guys. Stay safe. And until next time, chicken chow main, baby.