The Harland Highway - The Christmas show and parade

Episode Date: December 25, 2009

What a treat. It's the annual Harland Highway Xmas parade as called by John & John in the announcers booth. What a freak show this one turns into. Enjoy everybody, and have a merry, MERRY CHRISTMAS!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All aboard! You just made a wrong turn. Heavens to Mergatroy, even! On to the Harland Highway. You've got... Cancer's at the anus? Why, George, I think he's got it. Stop it! Stop it! You're busting my heart.

It's Harlan Williams. It's back again in the last. look a lot like Christmas. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la no no it's not beginning to look a lot like Christmas it is Christmas Oh my God Merry Christmas everybody How is it going for you?

Huh? Did you get some nice presents under the tree? Are you hanging with the family? Are you all huddled around the tree listening to the Harland Highway. What a day we have for you today. Celebrating Christmas, the birth of our Lord's Savior, Jesus Christ. And for those of you that don't celebrate Christmas,

whatever holiday you celebrate, happy, happy, whether it's Hanukkah, whether it's Easter, whether you're celebrating Halloween today. That's just your religion. I don't know. Whatever it is, I give you the same joy and happiness and greetings and good tidings that I lay on Christmas. It transfers over to whatever you're celebrating. And what a show.

What a Christmassy show we have here for you, today. Oh my God, we are going to be going live to the Harland Highway annual Christmas parade with our two commentators, John and John. You probably heard them earlier in the year doing the, they did the parade for the Thanksgiving Day. You know, it's always kind of a mixed review with those guys. You know, one of the John seems to be quite upbeat. I don't know. The other John

always seems a little bit cranky and a little bit down on the parades. But maybe this year, the Christmas parade with all its joy and festivities and lightheartedness and good cheer and good tidings.

Maybe this year will get a positive review. of the parade, of the floats, of everything around it from our commentators. So let's not waste any more time. Merry Christmas, everybody. And let's celebrate and go right to the Harland Highway Christmas Day parade. Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back to the 24th annual Santa Claus parade here on the Harland.

highway i'm here with john starter i'm john walter and what a festive turnout we have here today john yes john quite a collection of characters well it looks like our first float is coming around the corner starting off the parade professor fudgy fingers house of fudge and they just make some wonderful fudge right down there on main street and what a chocolatey float john yes John. Not a good choice to lead off the parade. Well, what do you mean, John? Well, think about it. You've got children dressed up as big chunks of chocolate fudge. And look what they're sitting on, John. A giant square fudge house. Well, it is a fudge house, John. The children, I guess, are dressing up as fudge people so that they blend in to the whole theme of chocolate fudge.

Yes, and look what else is coming along with this float. Something that I'm sure they didn't put in there when they constructed it. Well, what are you talking about, John? Look in the sky and notice how the sun has been blacked out. Well, it is, yeah. It's all the sky's completely dark right over Professor Fudgy Fingers, Fudge Flood. And I'll tell you why those are crows. living flying vermin there's oh they're swooping down and they're pecking at the fudge children john oh my god

that's horrific they're looking they're swooping down they're pecking at the fudge children's eyes they're screaming oh oh i just saw four fudge children roll under the float and get crushed they look like melted chocolate bars and the crows are picking their eyes apart john oh this is not a good way to start the Santa Claus parade and it looks like a cluster of crows has actually lifted a fudge child up in the sky and look at that John they're carrying him up into the telephone wires and resting oh he's being electrocuted alive look at the blue sparks John oh my goodness this is not a good start well that's why this float is not really working John, whenever you have

barbecued fudge children at the start of a parade I'll tell you what Professor Fudgy Fingers I'd like to give you a Fudgy finger for putting this garbage float into the Santa Claus parade, John.

Well, okay, you know, not the best way to kick things off, but we have many more floats coming here on the Santa Claus Day parade. Keep it tuned here. We'll be back with our next flow. Oh, God, how exciting, isn't it? Christmas?

You know what I missed, though? I've got to be honest. And do you live in an area where it snows? Or are you one of these, you know, Arizona, Florida, Texas, California, Hawaii Christmas people? Yeah, I got to admit, I live in California. and, you know, even though there's no snow here, I still totally get the Christmas feeling, the Christmas spirit, but it does, it does, you know, make you kind of miss it.

I grew up in Canada, and, you know, pretty much every Christmas, tons of snow, and, you know, especially those nights when it snowed on Christmas Eve, or you woke up and it was snowing Christmas Day, and it's cold outside and you're all trapped inside with the heat on and the tree and the warm cider and the Christmas breakfast, you know? The snow kind of added a touch, a real touch of authenticity, a real touch of Christmas. And, you know, I kind of miss it a little bit, but I got to say, you know,

It's also nice to be able to wake up Christmas morning and go out and play a game of tennis or go for a dip in the pool or have that Christmas golf game. Okay? Yeah, screw the snow is what I'm saying. You can have it, Santa. I'm perfectly fine with my nice hot Palm Spring Christmas. Oh, looks like Christmas. at 102 degrees.

I love it. But it is a great day. It's one of the few holidays left, the few kind of times of the year that there actually is a feeling in the air. Do you notice? And maybe not if you don't celebrate Christmas, but I find this, that it's the only time of year for about three weeks, you know, probably.

probably from the second week in December right through to maybe New Year's, maybe four weeks where there's a sense of camaraderie and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood and a sense of goodwill and good feeling in the air that doesn't seem to exist the rest of the year. And so I think if nothing else, if you're not religious or you don't believe in Christmas or you don't believe in Santa, or you don't believe in holidays.

I think if nothing else, Christmas is healthy for the human race because it just seems to remind us all about giving and caring and loving and reaching out. And maybe it's the one time of year where you're not thinking about yourself and your promotion and your salary and your girlfriends and your fast cars. It's kind of the time of year where everybody drops their guard a little bit. opens their hearts and their spirit. And at least I like to think so. That's what it feels like to me.

And there's something real magical about that first Christmas carol you hear, you know, or you're driving in your truck or your car, and it's all Christmas carols. And it just kind of gives a little layer of magic to the year. Again, that's what I think. You people might be listening and going, Okay, elf boy, why don't you go slide down the hill on your magic candy cane?

What kind of fantasy world are you living in? I don't know. That's how I feel. I hope I'm right. I hope you people, no matter what you celebrate or what you believe in, at least feel there's something special in the air this time of year that courses through society. And in the meantime, enough of that babble. Oh, my God, I'm so excited for our next float here at the Harlan Highway.

Let's get right back to it. Let's get back to John and John for the Harlan Highway. I think they said it's the 24th annual Christmas Day parade. Let's check it out. I'm not sure, John. I think it smelled like somebody farted. Well, I'm not. I didn't. Well, it smells like grilled cheese, John, and I know you like your grilled cheese.

Well, no, I'm not... We're back. We are back here. Oh, boy, we are back at the Santa Claus Day Parade. The 97th annual Santa Claus Day Parade here at the Harlan Highway. I'm John Walters here with John Starter, and what a festive turnout. we've had here today, John. Yes, John. Just throngs of people clustered in the street,

which reminds us of the overpopulation of the planet, how we're all rats in a cage, and we're going to kill ourselves with overconsumption of the Earth's raw materials, John. Well, okay, let's not go there. Let's focus on, look what's coming down the street right now. what a wonderful float and this is a new addition to the santa claus parade here this year it's the thunder from down under float all the way from australia and oh boy oh boy those gentlemen look a little

chilly wouldn't you say john yes john chile concarney now what does that mean well what i mean is most of these lunk heads with their biceps and their triceps should probably be carnies. They've probably got the mental capacity to run the gear shift on a roller coaster or at best somebody steering a long ride, John. Well, now, I think you're categorizing here, John, just because these gentlemen are chisel-cutting, and they seem to be extremely handsome gentlemen. That doesn't mean, John, that they aren't smart. Smart isn't even the word, John.

They've got the mental capacity of an onion bun, John. Well, now, I think I detect a little jealousy in your voice there, John. Jealous of what? That I'm not a stripper? Well, some call it stripping and some call it exotic dancing. And I call it stripping. Stripping the public of their moral fabric, John. These weiner-waving Wahoos from down under should be put on the back of a beluga whale and shipped out to Fiji and flogged with a cat of nine irons.

Wow, that is quite a bold statement, John. I'm detecting you don't like the thunder from down under. No, John, this float is not really working unless you're willing to wear safety goggles and protect your eyes. from getting smacked by a mushroom cap, there's no reason to have these lummixes in the parade. These weeners are twirling around like helicopters out of control. Oh, oh, a woman just got smacked in the face with a mushroom cap, and she fell off the sidewalk and went under the wheels of a float, and she was crushed all this for a little weaner excitement, John.

It's not really working. Well, that is a tragedy when somebody gets injured at the parade. But we will hope for better things when we come back with our next float here at the Santa Claus parade on the Harlan Highway. Do you do this when you're... By the way, the thunder from down under? Who puts that in a Christmas Day parade? Only here on the Harlan Highway. Do you have a triple X-rated float?

What the hell? But what I was going to ask you is, do you guys, when you have Christmas morning, have a regiment that you do? Has it been the same tradition year after year? In my house, it was like, we got up early. We weren't allowed to open presents, but I have four sisters.

We were allowed to go down and look at our stockings, and we were allowed to open our stockings. And in our stockings, there were little tiny gifts we were allowed to open. And there's always the obligatory Swiss chocolate bar. Like, for some reason, at Christmas, you step outside of Kit Kat and, you know, O. Henry and Malteseers. And somehow you get the exotic Swiss chocolate, yeah? Because it's Christmas time. And then for some reason, Santa, or Marquisites.

My parents, one of the two, would always put a giant apple and a giant orange in the bottom of our stocking. I'm not sure why. None of us ever really ate them. And they're always the giant ones. Like, you know, you got your normal oranges and your normal little apples. But for some reason, every Christmas we got the biggest damn delicious apple you can find and the biggest orange you can find. These oranges were the size of a grapefruit. I think it was a sneaky way for my parents to take up space in the stocking.

So it made it look like, hey, look how big your stocking is, little fella. Look at that thing stuffed to the grid with fresh fruit. Right? So we get to open our stockings. Then we'd all go to church. We'd have to go to church. And even though I don't like going to church, there was something a little bit magical about it. You know, as part of the day, it was kind of nice to see other people out

and communing with other churchgoers and people celebrating a common theme, which you don't get a lot in life. And then we come home, we have the traditional Christmas breakfast. My mother would make scrambled eggs with mushrooms in them. And she'd make this punch where she'd mix Welch's grape juice with seven up, and we'd have Canadian back bacon, and we'd have the Crescent, the Pillsbury Crescent rolls, and God, I'm getting hungry. I want my Christmas breakfast now. And then we'd all sit around the tree, and you'd have to go around one by one. You'd start with the youngest, my little sister Barbara, and then it would go,

my next sister, then me, because I was in the middle, then Megan, then Teresa, then my mom, then my dad, and then back to my little sister Barbara again. And then Maureen, and then me, blah, blah, blah. And we all have to watch each other open the presents. And it took hours, but that was part of the fun, too. It was fun to see what people got. It was fun to see them react or not react, depending on what 99-cent store piece of garbage you happened to buy them.

that year. Oh, come on. You know you've all done it. You're like, God, that thing's, I don't think they'd ever use that, but it looks interesting. What is that, a 12-piece screwdriver set from China for $1.99, but it looks complicated, and there's a lot of parts, and it looks busier, and the packaging's kind of good. They'll never know. What a great present.

Yeah, nice try. Your sister's like a librarian, and she's like, oh, great, a 42-piece screwdriver set for all the work I do on my hot rod on the weekend, you bastard! Oh, traditions. And keeping with traditions, oh, my God, it's the, I think last time he said it was the 98th annual Christmas Day parade. Whatever it is, it's exciting. It's going on right now. right down here on the Harland Highway. Let's get back to John and John for more of the Christmas Day Parade.

Welcome back to the 74th annual Harland Highway Santa Claus Parade. I'm John Walters, and I'm here with John Starter, and what a turnout we have here. Float after float, marching band, and just a terrific. overall, John, wouldn't you say? Well, not really, John. I mean, we've already had several deaths. Fudge children have been crushed under the wheels. We've had mushroom caps in people's eyes.

Well, let's get beyond that, and let's look at this next float coming down the street. This is a yearly favorite, a tradition here. It's the Jimmy Crock Corn and I don't care float. Well, the whole attitude of the people who... put this float together, says it in the title. Jimmy Crack Corn, and I don't care. Well, they are a very, very popular company here around town. They are corn farmers, and they raise a very hearty harvest every year to help feed the communities and feed the world, John.

Yes, and feed me a line of BS while you're at it. these yahoo farmers and their corn float are a hazard to society john and it's not really working well now wait a second the crowd seems to respond to them we have a giant float with children dressed up as scarecrows throwing cobs of corn into the crowd well there's nothing wrong with a little free handout it's all part of the spirit of giving john it depends who's throwing it's throwing it When you put the college football team up there and dressed them as scarecrows, I'm sorry, but those boys can throw a cob of corn, and it becomes a speeding bullet. Look at that right there. I just saw a cob of corn thrown, a spiral. It went right through that man's rib cage. Well, that did look painful, John, but don't forget, it is a time of giving.

And I'd like to give them a subpoena. see them in court for the murder of thousands of innocent people who've been Jimmy Crack corn and they don't care who they hurt. Well, John, oh, look at that. Somebody just took a cob right into the eye socket. Oh, that's what I'm talking about. Oh, there goes another one. Somebody right in, it looks like somebody just took a cob of corn right in their tracheotomy hole. Yes, and that's not good, John. It's hard to breathe. it's hard to speak and when you've got a cob of corn and your trachea hole John you start to stink like a barnyard okay well it looks like they're

going past and not a minute too soon I don't care Jimmy crack all the corn you want your floats not really working okay well we'll be back with more floats and more festivities here on the Harlan Highway Jimmy crack corn and I don't care. Wow. Watch yourselves. Hopefully nobody's bending over to pick up a dropped wallet or comb or something. And that old corn toss happens.

Look out. Christmas displeasure. So I was talking about the rituals, the opening of the presents and so on. And then there's that time after. the morning to mid-afternoon crush is done. You've had the stockings, you've had the church, you've had the, you've had the present opening for a few hours, two, three hours, and then finally there's just kind of a little period of exhaustion

where you're all like, why the hell did we get up so early? Oh, yeah, Jesus, Lord, Son of God, yeah. But there's that kind of downtime, right? You got the looming Christmas dinner, which you barely, have room for, because you just ate the big Christmas breakfast. But you're like, what the hell? It's the holidays.

I'll stuff it in in the name of the Lord. Jesus Christ. Oh, man. So you got kind of that weird dead zone. You know, where you got all the family there, the aunts, the uncles, the nieces, the nephews, your brothers, your sisters, your uncles, your aunts.

And all these family members are kind of milling around and everyone's got that kind of glazed over look on their face. Like, what do we do now i i don't know what to say to all these people i'm kind of tired and i know that the presents are done i really just want to go home i i could eat dinner at home why do i have to be here right no i don't know it's it's just kind of that weird dead zone and it lasts for about two three hours some people go have a nap some people like play with their presents but everyone's just kind of like oh they sit on the

couches and the chairs. And I guess you kind of just have this cooling off period before the evening comes. And then around like 5 o'clock, 4.30, your energy starts to come back and you start ramping up for the big turkey dinner and the stuffing and the cranberry sauce and the whoo-hoo, right? Oh, what a fun day. And speaking of fun, let's see. We got a lot to pack in here. We don't want to miss any more of this parade. Let's get back to John and John for the something or other annual holiday Christmas parade here on the Harlan Highway.

Well, good afternoon, everybody. I'm John Water, and I'm here with John Starter, and we are watching the 48th annual Harlan Highway. Santa Claus Parade. And John, every now and then, we get a special guest joining us up here in the booth. Someone from the community. We eat at his restaurant all the time. We have Charlie Lee from the Moonglow Restaurant and Tavern with us. Yeah, Charlie like it up here.

He's never been so high. You'll see all the parade, all the people coming down and a marching band all over the praise. Yes, Charlie, it's just too bad. These braids are always such a disappointment. Well, now, wait a second. Let's not take Charlie's view of this wonderful day of festivity. Yeah, Charlie Lee really liked the parade.

Last year, Charlie tried to get a float in the parade, but Sidney Brock Charlie's throat. Oh, well, that's not nice to hear. What was your float, Charlie? Charlie Lee have giant egg roll throat. He go down the street, he have egg roll, And about halfway through, egg roll spread open and soy beans and soy sauce fly all over the place. Oh, okay.

Charlie, nobody wants to go to a parade and come home smelling like a dinner number seven. I'm sorry, Charlie, it's not really working. Yeah, well, maybe your hairpiece not really working either there, bald guy. I'm sorry, what did he call me? I think he called you a bald guy. Yeah, Charlie call you bald guy. Why are you so cranky Grinstant's door Christmas terriaki? Well, okay, let's not get heated here, gentlemen.

No, I want to know what he met by Grinstonson's door Christmas, and then he said terriacchi at the end. Oh, Charlie Lee tell you, you look like bald terriacian chicken breast. Oh, now, wait a second. Now, gentlemen, please, let's... This is a time of brotherhood. Oh, he's not my brother. He terriac.

Now, gentlemen, please. Oh, no, there's a fight breaking out here. Charlie, no, oh, oh, John, no, stop it. Oh, oh, they've fallen over the side of the booth. I think I can see them down there on the sidewalk. And it looks like John, take it easy. John, John Starrers is kicking the living Christmas right out of Charlie Lee. Oh, he just hit him in the teeth.

His bellies came in. and oh boy it looks like Charlie Lee got the worst of that one and it looks like John starters is heading back up to the booth where we will continue with the 21st annual Harland's Highway Santa Claus Parade oh boy wow it's getting heated up there in the Christmas Day parade observation tower Look out.

Going back to opening presents, let me ask you this. When you're opening the presents, who's in charge? Is it a mom, is a dad? There's always someone who seems to get in charge of the wrapping paper, right? Are you one of those families where you just tear through the wrapping and get to your present? Like, what the hell do I get? A homemade sweater. Jesus Christ.

Or are you one of those families where the mother's always like, okay, careful with the wrapping. Watch the tape. Watch the tape. Oh, careful. Don't rip it. We'll use it next year. We'll use that same wrapping paper next year.

Ooh, keep the ribbon. Keep the ribbon. Keep the bow. Keep the bow. right it's like the ultimate recycling and for all you know you're going to get a Christmas card next year with someone else's name crossed out and your name Merry Christmas and happy tidings to you and your family

Margaret and then Margaret's name is crossed out and it says Harland all of a sudden that's too much Christmas recycling But you know, that person that always gets all the wrapping and folds it real nice and, you know, they put it to the side, but it's got all those little marks where the tape kind of ripped the design off the paper. The paper's green, but there's like white scorch mark where the tape was removed.

Or worse yet, the tape's still kind of hanging on and you fold it under so it doesn't stick to anything. Come on, wrapping paper isn't that expensive. okay just go out and buy some freshies for next year don't need to be that cheesy and cheap but uh looks like our show's going a little long but why not it's Christmas

we've got a big parade going on I think we're getting close to the end of the parade I think we have a few more floats let's get back down there and uh it shouldn't be long till we see old Jolly St. Nick uh bringing up the rear of the parade here on Christmas Day. Merry Christmas on the Harland Highway.

Welcome back, everybody, to the 97th annual Harlan Highway Santa Claus Day parade. And we are down to our second last event here before we get to the main man himself, Santa Claus. And this is exciting, John. like we have a marching band coming down here. It's the Chips Ahoy Cookie People, a marching band. Yes, John, and it's not really working. Well, now, I don't agree with you this time, John. I mean, listen to them out there.

They're playing that wonderful Christmas carol we all of. It's a classic, and it just sounds, let's just have a listen. Now that is just a lovely rendition right there, John. There's nothing wrong with that marching band. Oh, really? It sounds like they put one child in from the special ed class. Listen again, and you'll hear one of the clarinets all over the place. Have a listen, John.

There, there it is right there, John. I'm sure you heard it. Listen again. There's no denying that somebody stuck one of the children from the slower classes right into the middle of that parade. And God loved them for trying to encourage that child. But John, let's face it, sometimes the slower children do not have nimble fingers, and usually their lips are all puffed up, so they're not... Very good with a woodwind instrument, John. Well, you know, John, it sounds cruel, but there is some fact to what you are saying.

I never would have picked up on that one rogue instrument right in the middle of the band, but you're absolutely right. There he is. He's the one with the brace on his eyes. He's wandering in front of another float. There he got... Oh, no. He had a brace holding his eyes together, John.

obvious he was cross-eyed he couldn't see he just got crushed underneath afloat and I'm sure that the Chips Ahoy people are wishing right now they never plucked that freak out of the cookie jar

Oh well now John I'm sorry it's not really working Well John I know something that will work And coming up next everybody Ladies and gentlemen Boys and girls we can just see it starting to come around the bend it's the jolly man himself in the red suit oh boy we'll be right back with our final

float and jolly st nick in the santa claus day parade here on the harland highway oh look the brace is out on the sidewalk somebody's picked it up oh god somebody plucked that freak from the cookie jar what the hell oh my gosh did you hear that kid playing that that kooky clarinet or whatever it was wow poor kid tried his best got hit by a truck um well we are we are winding down as you heard it sounds like jolly st nick himself can be seen coming around the corner in the parade uh you know i don't know if you still believe in Santa i don't I don't know if you ever believed in Santa or at a certain age. You stop believing in Santa.

But, you know, he's one of the true figureheads of our modern society where you see him and you think about him and you envision him and you kind of get excited. Your heart kind of rises a beat. Your blood pressure goes up. Your adrenaline gets going. I don't care how old you are. There's a magical mystique around. Jolly old St. Nick, probably, excuse me, the fact that he's so elusive and he only rears his little cheery face once a year.

Oh, my God, the anticipation, the excitement. I love it. Let's stop talking. Here we go. Let's get right back to the parade. As John and John said, it looks like St. Nick's coming down the road. Here we go, right back to the Harlan Highway Santa Claus Day Parade. Well, here we are.

We're at the very tail end of the 49th annual Santa Claus Day Parade. I'm John Water here with John Starter, and John, what a wonderful year. What a great parade, probably one of the best we've seen. Well, John, I couldn't agree with you. less. I'm sorry, John? Not as sorry as I am. This was the biggest collection of junky floats I've ever seen. Well, now, John, let's not... No, let's. People got crushed under floats. People were hit in the face, and people were electrocuted. There's still a fudge child sparking on the telephone wires, John, so this parade was not really working.

Well, here's something that's working. Here he comes down the street. Look at who it is. Right there, there's the eight reindeer and jolly St. Nick standing in his sleigh, John. Oh, boy, oh boy, is he standing barely. Look at him wobbling all around. Well, yes, he is acting a little erratic. You bet he is.

and something just fell out of his sleeve. It looks like a bottle of Jack Daniels. Oh, my good. There he goes. Here comes the waterworks. Oh, my God. He's throwing up. He's projectile vomiting all over the crowd.

Oh, he just hit a mother and her twin babies dressed in pink, and now these children are completely green. Yes, and they've got chunks of carrots, parsley, and roast beef all over their face. This is not what Christmas is all about. Oh, what a fortunate turn of events for Santa to be sick. Sick my foot. That drunk derelict's probably been boozing it up all night, and this cheap city didn't want to shell out the bucks to get a real rosy fat man.

Now, what are you implying, John? I'm talking about budgetary cutbacks that this city has been trying to sweep under the rug it's clear to me they found a homeless man and threw a red suit on him look at him he only has two teeth oh my goodness and he just broke one on the jack daniel's bottom oh and look at the blood pouring down into his gray corn nimbled infested beard oh this is real oh he's just falling out of the sleigh and he's being trampled by his own reindeer they are goering him with their antlers, John. This is like watching when animals attack, it has nothing to do with Christmas.

This whole parade is not really working. Rudolph, a deer at the front with the electric nose, has just stabbed Santa in the belly. And he's being electrocuted by his own vomit. Oh, this is not really working. Well, it's been another fun year here on the Harle Highway, thank you for joining us. I am John Walters. I'm John starters, and it's not really working. And that's it for us here. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas from the Harland Highway. Oh, one of the dears is fornicating with him. Oh, oh.

Oh, God. Oh, what a nightmare. I actually, wish it was at that parade. I would like to see all of those events. People being flocked by crows and electrocuted and getting mushroom caps in the face and a drunk homeless Santa. Corn cobs flying everywhere. Oh, my God, the demented kid on the clarinet with the puffy lips. What a parade, what a parade, what a parade.

So glad you could join us. Hey, look, everybody. Have a great Christmas. Remember to be kind to your friends, your neighbors, strangers. Spread the love, spread the joy. It's one of the only times a year that we really seem to open our hearts and do it. So go ahead and do it. And until next year's annual...

Christmas Day Parade. Hopefully they crank the budget up a little. We will visit this again next Christmas. Until then, have a great day. And from me to you, Harlan Williams, Merry Christmas. Happy, happy holidays. And we'll see you next time. And until then, chicken chow, joya, Noel, Maine, baby.

Hurry up, the store's closing. Come on. Listen, little boy, we've got a lot of people waiting here, so get going! What do you want for Christmas, little boy? My mind had gone blank. Frantically, I tried to remember what it was I wanted. I was blowing it, blowing it. Come on, kid.

How about a nice... Football? Football. Football. What's a football? Without conscious will, my voice... Weaked out. Football. Okay, get him out of here. A football?

Oh, no. What was I doing? Wake up, stupid! Wake up! No! No! No! No!

Oh! No, no! I want an officer right out of a car when I shoot you in a gun, when he'll shoot your eye out, kid! Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho. No!