The Harland Highway - The Harland Highway CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

George Michael from WHAM calls in DRUNK! Christmas songs, Harland gets a new tree, listener phone calls, and a special Xmas present from Harland's boss, Mr. Featherstone. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have yourself a merry little Christmas. Oh, we are going to have a very merry Christmas. Ho-ho, ho, ho, hostess, hoes. Welcome to the Harland Highway Christmas special. What a show we have. Apparently, my boss, Mr. Featherstone, is going to have me up to his office later. and for the first time ever has a Christmas present for me

I'm so excited I can't believe it also we're going to have some Christmas songs some new ones, some old ones some favorites we're going to have some phone calls from some of our pavement pounders

we're also going to get a phone call from a special guest you won't believe who it is but you probably already know yeah somebody's calling in, and I think they're going to be drunk. I'm going to be talking to you about my Christmas tree. I got a very special Christmas tree this year.

And then we're just going to talk about, you know, the strange year that we had and all kinds of fun little Christmas surprises to help get you through the season. So put your elf ears on. Here we go. This is the Harland. Christmas Highway! Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper.

Come on. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. That means that every woman in this village who is capable of childbirth is going to have a baby. You shit kicking, stinky horseman or smelling motherfucker, you! Tell me his name! You must tell me his name! This is Harland Williams. Oh, well, my mistake. Guess I'll be on my way then.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. What have you done to it? What have you done to its eyes? All of you. All of you, freaks. Heavens to Murgatroyd. Whether you're wearing a pullover or a cardigan, it's the Harland Highway.

I have to hang up now. This Christmas, baby, please come home. Yeah! The snow's coming down. I'm watching the phone. Watch the people around. Baby, please come home The church built in town

They'll ringing a song What a happy sound Baby, please come home They're singing death of horse But it's not like Christmas at all I remember when you were here And all the fun we have left here In light on the tree

I'm watching them shine You should be held with me Maybe please come home Oh Oh Baby It's good one Baby

It's good I'm going to sing in deck the horse But it's not like Christmas at all I remember when you were here And all the fun we had left to you If there was a way I hope that it's tears But it's Christmas Day

Baby please come home Oh Baby please come home Baby please come home Please, please, please, please come home, please. Welcome, everybody. You know, it's a weird freaking year where we don't know if we're going to be able to get home.

And I thought I should open, you know, the first Christmas podcast with a song that kind of addresses how we can't get home. A lot of us, this might be our first Christmas without family, without friends. It might be your first Christmas alone. Just alone, like Ebenezer Scrooge. You'll be praying for three ghosts to come and visit you on Christmas Eve. Oh, my God.

Is it going to be lonely? Is it going to be sad? No. We're not going to let that happen. We're doing some Christmas podcast. So you're not alone. See, you got you all your friends on the Harland Highway here to share and celebrate. So let's not think about, you know, getting home.

We're going to do the best we can. And it's all about the spirit. And embrace the holiday and the joyful vibe and the season and the snowflakes and the carols and the gifts and the good wishes and all that stuff. And just absorb it. If anything else, push away any feelings of being isolated. Just let the feelings come in, man. You've all been through enough this year, okay?

Let it come in, whether it's through a phone call or an email or just open up your heart, your soul, and let all the good tidings. and however big or small the connection is to someone you know or love, just let it in and feed on it. Oh, just absorb it all. And when you have all that big ball of all those little pieces swirling inside you, it's a beautiful Christmas after all.

Oh, my Tim, my tiny, stupid Tim. No, he's not stupid, he's just tiny. Why did I say he was stupid? So here we are. Welcome, everyone. I thought we do some Christmas podcasting, just to, you know, it's something I like to do during the year. It's just a fun time to share and celebrate and embrace each other. It's such a Christmas is my favorite time of year because it's just, I feel like everyone has kind of a warm, loving vibe. And after such a tumultuous year, isn't that what?

we need. So let's put down any type of sour puss or negativity or animosity we might have or if we're feeling upset about the economy or the election or whatever it is, even though it's hard to do. Let's from this point forward for the rest of the month. Just kind of let it go. Just exhale. Ah.

You know, I can't really change it. I can't really alter it. Let's just let it go. A little Harlan Highway therapy to kick off. So we're going to have some fun. We're going to have a Christmas-themed podcast. Just sit back, relax, and let's just enjoy. Okay?

Okay, everybody? That's what we're going to do. So let's go. Roger, why don't we kick it off? You know, just... Excuse me, Harlan. You've got a phone call online eight. Oh, we got a call already?

Okay, who is it? Yeah, there's someone on the hotline. Okay, put them through. We don't usually take a call this early in the show, but let's get it going, man. Here we go. Put them through, Raj. Hey, Harlan, this is Lance.

I'm not going to say much about who I am. I am conservative. I was a Trump supporter. I just want to say that I'm really angry right now and depressed, and I could use a little cheering up for the Christmas holiday. I'd like to hear George fucking Michael, or the ghost of George fucking Michael. It would really cheer me up with everything that's been going on this year.

COVID-19, the Democrats still in this election, everything just sucks this year. So if you could help me out with the podcast, I'd really appreciate it with George Bucking Michael for Christmas. Thank you, sir. Have a happy holidays, and I hope you have a wonderful day. Chicken chal mane, baby. Well, thank you, Lance. Thank you for the season's greetings. Sorry, the election didn't go your way. And we don't discriminate here at the highway. You know, people were upset last time when Trump won and people are upset now when he lost. And there's other people that are happy here and not happy there. And that's the democratic system, man. People win and lose. And, you know, depending on who you support, it's like a sporting event. It's like a soccer game or a hockey game. You never want your team to lose.

And I can hear the despair in your voice. I can hear the disdain and the depression. And we don't want that this time of year. We don't want that this time of year. And we'd do almost anything. Whether you were Republican or conservative, I'd do almost anything to put a smile on your face and make you happy. But I'll tell you one thing I ain't going to do, Lance.

there is no way, Roger, there is no way in living hell I will allow George Michael from Wham to come on this show like he does every year usually he's drunked up on eggnog I ain't letting him on this podcast this is going to be a nice family friendly podcast no drunkies George Michael wherever you are rest in peace

whatever you're doing if you're in Wham heaven but you're not coming on this show. Lance, I'm sorry. You could have asked him for anything else, but George Michael on this Christmas podcast. Sorry to interrupt. Well, I'm on. Harlan. What?

Yeah. George Michael, that guy from Wham is... No, no, no, no. No, if he's on the... No! What did I just say? Under no circumstances... He says it's important. No, you hang up on him right now.

Roger. He says he needs to talk to you. About what? What could I possibly talk to George Michael? Regarding his Christmas present. No, no, no, no. There's no Christmas present. There's no George Michael.

Why would he be calling here? I don't know, but I think he's been drinking. Oh, God. Do not patch him through. Oh, God. Roger, you just lost your Christmas bonus. Oh, for God. Oh, listen to him.

What the hell? Oh my God, what the hell are you doing phoning here, George? It's George, my God, it's Christmas hard, and I wanted to phone and say happy Christmas. Yeah, and you've been drinking again, haven't you? And maybe I is, and maybe I isn't, eh? What do you mean maybe you is and maybe you isn't? Well, I've got to have a little nip at Christmas time they are. They're like, what, what are you?

Raised by a pack of wild fucking nuns. Look, I'm not going to have you swearing and carrying on on my Christmas podcast. What do you want? I need your help, palmy to do. It's what I call a christian. what are you saying christmas are you trying to say christmas are you trying to say christmas spit it out george it's george fighting michael oh it's two words it's like merry christmas and you got george playing michael well what are you trying to say to me Oh, I'm trying to say they got...

Are you trying to say Christmas? You've got a Christmas emergency, oh, this should be ripe. I can't wait to hear what kind of Christmas emergency you had. Well, have you going to be all hoity-toy about it, eh? Like what? You were born in a fighting nest full of fucking angels, eh, aren't? Stop hiccuping in my ear. What is your emergency, for God's sakes? And then I'll get you out of here, and I can finish my podcast.

Have you ever heard of Fasty the Snowbird? Would you say my name? clearly. Oh look, look who wants to say the name right now, eh? After all these fighting years, have you not saying me name right? Now you want me to say your fucking name right, eh? Just say it. Ireland? What is your Christmas emergency? Well, I tried to make Frosty the snow around out in the snow tonight, Ireland. and I'll add a little mishap. I guess you can say a Christmas.

A Christmas mishap. Oh, yeah, it's good. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes.

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Shop now at IKEA.ca. What? What is your Christmas mishap with Frosty the Snowman? Well, you know how it's snowmen's like three parts, right, Ireland? Okay, three parts. Three sections. Three sections, three parts. Well, you don't have to get all fucking crankly in your fucking underpants, eh?

I'm not getting crankly in my underpants, eh? I'm not getting crankly in my underpants. pants, but sections, just what happened? Well, I did the bottom section first, though. Would you not clear your throat of my podcast? I said all, and I got the bottom section done there, Frosty, the fucking snowman, eh? He's not Frosty the fucking snowman. He's just Frosty the Snowman.

Oh, what world do you live in, I guess of Christy, eh? What happened with Frosty the Snowman? Well, I've got the bottom part of him done, you know, the fat part was fat, fucking snowy asses, eh? Okay, you got his fat snowy ass. And then I got the middle part, right, and, you know, he's starting to get a little tall now. He's about five feet. Okay, you made a big snowman. And what?

Well, to do the third part is fighting head, right? His what? He's fighting head. His head? That's what I said. Hey, what, you got fighting honey garlic spare ribs in your ear, hey, mate? I don't have honey garlic spare ribs in my ear. So you got the bottom part done.

Now you got the middle part. And it's, what, four or five feet tall? And it's like a fucking frosty the fucking Godzilla fighting snowman, eh? Stop swearing! And stop hiccuping in my ear! So now I've got to put the fucking head on the fat fucking snowy bastard, eh? And so, uh, Josh Michael climbs up the middle of the part of the frosty, the fucking snowman. So you're climbing up the snowman

Right, and I'm carrying the fucking head You've got the head And I'm getting up around this fucking snowy tits He doesn't have snowy tits Oh he does when I fight him Would you, so you're carrying his head And you're up on the second part Trying to put his head on

That's right, Arland It's almost like you were fucking there, eh? Just get on with it, George. It's John, you... I'm gonna fucking come over there with a fucking sea cucumber I'm gonna fucking grind it up in a fucking blender

pour it all over your face and pretend a fucking hip-bottom is bathed all over your fussy face how about that, eh? Would you get on with it? You carried the Frosty the Snowman's head up over to his midsection and I'm balancing on his fucking

snowy tits. He doesn't have snowy tits. And I've got his fine head in my hands, right? Okay. And I'm just about to put his fine head on, and now I'm like, fighting standing in a fine snow blizzard. I'm going to find six feet up in the fine air

standing on his snowy, fine icy tits. He doesn't have tits! And I'm balancing this big fighty round head and then he's looking up at me with that fucking charcoal in his eyes, and he's got a fucking carrot nose about fucking 24 inches long. Okay, all snowmen have carrot noses. And I'll lose my fucking balance on. Wait a minute.

So you're up there with this giant snowman head. You're standing on the second part of Frosty, and you lose your balance. That's why I got an emergency. What is the emergency? I fell off to fighting frost in a snowman, old in his fighting head. As I fall into the ground, I got all turned around,

and I thought he sat right on his fat, fucking icy face. What do you mean you sat on his icy face? I said fat, fine, icy face is what I said, mate. I'm not going to say, fucking icy face for Frosty. Well, it sounds like you just did. Stop! Hiccuping in my face!

So now I'm sitting on Frosty's fucking face. And this is your emergency. You crushed a snowman. Oh, I didn't just crush them. Let me ask you something all around. Okay. Have you ever had anyone stick the nose in your ass crack? I beg your pardon.

Have you ever had anyone stick the nose in your dirty ass crack? I am not answering your stupid questions. What the hell? Well, yes what? Off the rail of frosted a fighting fat-faced snowman and his fighting 24-inch frozen carrot went rain up my fucking moon glow. What?

What do you mean he went up your moon glow? What the hell's a moon glow? Well, what are you figuring out, eh? I'm six feet in the air, holding a fucking pumpkin head, fucking snowman. He's lying at me with these fucking charcoal eyes, like his fucking eyes got cancelled from Satan himself, eh? And he got his fucking frozen carrot.

nose and I'll lose my balance as I'm falling to the ground all and I get twisted around a four-eight on his fighting face okay and guess what you've ever seen a magic trick yes you ever seen a magic trick called the disappearing frozen farting carrot no I haven't well guess what guess where the fighting carrot is wait a minute are you telling me that's right right up the old moon glow. What the hell is a moon glow? Well, if you can't figure that out, I guess I'll never take you camping up,

broke back a mountain, hey, Orland? I'm not going camping. Are you telling me that you fell on Frosty the Snowman's face? That's right. Put it together then, Nancy Drew. And you landed right on his nose. That's right, Arland.

And the carrot went rayed up... My moon glow. Now, how about that? If that's not a Christmas emergency, I don't know what is on. So you've got a frozen snowman carrot up your... Up me moon glow, that's right. Oh my God, George. It's George.

Fucking moor. If you have to tell you one more time, I'm going to get myself a fucking bunch of raw yeast at the bottom. bakery. I'm going to go home and make a fucking giant loaf of bread. I'm going to rub it all over my fucking testicles and give you a fucking yeast infection

with me fucking Christmas balls. You are one angry dude. So wait a minute. You're walking around with a Christmas, Frosty the Snowman frozen carrot up. Me moon glow. And what am I supposed to do about it?

Well, it got worse, didn't What do you mean it got worse? So, look how you're going to get a fucking frozen carried out your moon glow in the middle of a fucking snowstorm, eh? I wouldn't know, George. It's George, for you. Here's what I had to do. I had to pull down my pants.

And you know how tight my pants are, eh, Arland? Do we really have to go? So you pull down your pants? In the middle of a fucking snowboard. blizzard, eh? Okay, so you pull down your pants in the middle of a snow blizzard. Well, I've been drinking a little. Excuse me.

Yeah, no surprise there, you've been drinking a little. Um, and my pants around me ankles, Ireland. Okay. And I started stumbling around trying to reach back and pull frosty spotting nose out my fucking moon glow. All right. And the ground's all icy and sun. Slippery and snowy, right?

All right. And of course I fell down, and I could get up, and guess what was laying out there in the elements, Arland? What do you mean out in the elements? That's right, my pants were down, and something was out in the elements in the fucking snowstorm, eh? Wait a minute, you're laying on the ground with a carrot up.

Me moon glow. And your pants are down, and you're exposed. That's right. My Christmas weena was exposed to the fucking snow blizzard, eh? Oh my God, this just gets better. And guess what happens when you leave your exposed skin out in the elements on a frozen fucking snow blizzard night Ireland? Oh, God, no.

That's right. My mushroom cap, it got frozen. What do you mean your mushroom cap got frozen? Well, if you want me to spell it out for you, the end of me fucking weenie. Are you telling me the cap of your manhood? Oh, that's a nice polite way to put it. You want to come over for a cup of tea later, and I'll dump a crumpet in your fucking face. Would you be nice?

Well, I'll tell you what, Arland. The end of me weeny is as weird as Rudolph's fucking nose. What are you talking about? It looks like my mushroom cap was out in the fucking blizzard so long. It turned completely red. It turned, okay, I could see that happening. Oh, but that's not the end of it, Ireland. What do you mean?

Every time I pull down my pants now. Okay. The end of me weenie glows like Rudolph the Redd those reindeer's nose, Ireland. Oh, no, you don't. Oh, it's true. Here, let me unshipped my pants right now. No, don't pull down your pants. Hold on, Arla.

Listen to this. Listen to me mushroom cap in the blizzard. What the hell was that? Here, listen again. I'm telling you, it glows like a fucking light bulb. Listen. Oh, my. Are you telling me?

That's right. The end of me weenies like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer is fuck. He knows. Oh my God. He have another, have another listen, Arland. No, do not pull down. Oh, my God. He's lying up all over the place.

I'm standing out here in the middle of the snow. I got a fucking frozen carrot up me moon glow. And the end of my mushroom cap is glowing in the middle of the night like a lighthouse at the end of Liberace's fucking piano stool. Oh, what is wrong? Are you trapped in the snow? Yes, and lit, look if I pull down my pants. Don't pull down your pants again, Rudolf.

I mean, George. It's George. But, hey, Michael, now, if you don't get it right, I'm going to make myself a gingerbread house. Fill it up with fucking diarrhea. Mail it to your house with Amazon.com, and when you open the front door, you're going to have fucking gingerbread diarrhea.

all over your fucking face, you fucking ripe twiard? Would you knock it off? I'm trying to help. Do not pull down your pit. Oh, God. Oh, God. It's glowing in the dark, Arlen, and I'm trapped in the snowbank. All right.

If I help you through this, will you just hang up the phone and leave us alone? I guess so, Arland. All right, look, I've got a snowblower. Oh, really? Excuse me? He said you had a snowblower. I do have a snowblower.

Right, what's his name then? I'll take him. What do you mean you'll take him? Oh, you said you got a snowblower? Yeah, I've got a snowblower, gas-powered snowblower. All right, well he's not going to have much trouble finding my mushroom cap. It glows red. Have a listen. Oh my God. I didn't mean that good... Roger, hang up on him.

Come on, what's his name? I've got me, get the snowblower. Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and a very shiny mushroom cap. Oh my God, hang up. And a holland, a Merry Christmas holland. Rudolph the Red nose reindeer. Hang up!

Oh my God, Christmas is ruined. Are you kidding me? See, Roger? Oh, my God. You know what? I need to compose myself. Please let him be gone. I need a few minutes. Roger, let's do a Christmas podcast tradition here at the Harland Highway. Every year we have my buddy, Rudy Carsoni, aka Toby. Bobby Huss, great singer, great actor, great comedian, and he has a beautiful Christmas song. We play it every year called Snowballs. Roger, play it.

We need to talk. We'll come back on the other side of this Christmas song, and we'll pick up the pieces and try and get back on track. Good Lord. Yeah, it was this time of year. About a year ago, I think, around the holiday seasons that I was at home waiting for the old lady to get back. She'd been gone a couple weeks you see's. So I had a couple dozen hot toddies or so waiting for her there. Huh. Finally the door opens up. Rudy! Hey baby, it's been a while. Take off the

dress. She don't. She gives me the stink eye. Where's the tree? What do you mean? What tree? It's Christmas Eve, Kazoni. Oh. Yeah, I thought it was June. She says that's it. That's it, Rudy. I'm leaving you. enough. I can't stick no more. I found another guy. I'm gone. Hold on baby. What do you mean on Christmas Eve? You're leaving me? You found another guy? Who is this Joe? What's he got that I don't got? Well he's really cute. Baby, it's me. It's Rudy. He's got a short red suit. I know I ain't no beauty, but if you squint your eyes from the lights alone, you got one swell-looking skinny day go. Kids love him to poop. Was this more than a date? He's got a sack a loo.

Oh, you little ain't great. Well, yesterday you my lips, smack. Now you're a sugar plum nut cracker I did not forget Christmas no I hunt some mistletoe in my pants Packer up! There's snowballs like mine And there's snowballs like the ones you're leaving behind You're gonna miss my back, spackling crackling hot You'll log wax nostalgic for my steamy holiday nog

He's jolly and bed There, who is this pest? Steets are rosy and red. Oh, I should have guessed. Don't hit your ass on the way out the dough. You ho-ho snow-blowing, ho-ho-ho. Oh, Merry Christmas, Rudy. Blowing out your dingle.

Don't go getting snooty. Oh, so you bag that cringle. So long, but don't forget, my dear. Oh, fat, so comes but once a year. There's snowfalls. You live up in the cold. I like these. I love his big North Pole.

They jingle, jingle, jingle down below my knees. You're gonna miss roasting my chestnuts Oh yes ma'am Good luck without my pink honey glazing holiday ham Because there's snowballs like mine There's snowballs like these twins you're leaving behind And there's snowballs Snowballs

Hey, look up, baby, there's snowballs And there's snowballs like those Nanny, knocked out, nudge, oh, cuckoo stones You're leaving behind Dear Sanny Claus Thanks for nothing P. P.S. Could you possibly bring me a new bra

Or, if not I don't know toss a couple of drunk elves in my bed or something a couple of your little helpers to help you they can help me pal oh that that little sneaky little weasley laugh that's my buddy Toby Huss if you saw the movie I was in called Down Periscope

the submarine movie with Kelsey Grammer Toby was my sidekick in that movie and I was his sidekick. I was the sonar guy and he was the electrician and we sat beside

each other down in the submarine and man did we have fun. So Toby does does this character called Rudy Kassoni and that's off his album called Snowballs.

And you can track it down on the internet, just type in Rudy Kassoni or Toby Huss Snowballs, and there's a whole bunch of great songs on the album. And it's a tradition here. We always play it on the Harland Highway Christmas Special. Yes, so fun. Christmas. And are you all ready for Christmas?

Are you all set up, gang? Have you got the lights up and the tree up and the holly? The holly up? I got it all up I got the lights up I got the What's the thing you put on the mental place With the lights

I think it has a specific name I can't remember the name I'll try and think of it But I got the stuff over the mantle On the fireplace And I got the Christmas candles I've got a little Christmas trees

And I got the big Christmas tree And now here's Where it got a little weird for me this year. Oh my God. I broke a tradition that I've had my whole life. And I sort of want to blame COVID, but I know deep in my Christmas heart, COVID probably had nothing to do with it, but I'm sort of leaning on it a little bit. Here's what happened. Something I've never done before. Are you ready? Oh, my God. Should I be ashamed? Roger, should I be ashamed? I got. for the first time of my life,

flirtal noggins and dingo bloggins. I got a fake Christmas tree. Oh my God. I know. It just sounds weird saying it. My whole life, I grew up in Canada. We always had a real tree. I never wanted anything but a real tree.

And then when I moved down to Los Angeles or wherever I went in the world, I always got a real tree. I like the ritual of going and picking it out. I love the smell. I loved loading it on my car. I love bringing it home and trimming it and standing it up and pulling the branches down and watching it kind of fill out

as gravity started to let the branches uncluster. And then the smell and then putting the lights on and the things and the bulbs and the decoration. And the house smells like a pine forest. Somewhere there's a tree or somewhere there's a deer holding his hoof up going, You bastards! It's Christmas you stole my forest, you bastards! But I finally got a fake tree.

And I, you know, I think part of it really, maybe COVID was maybe half a percent out of a hundred. Part of me in the back of my head was like, do I really want to go to the place where all the trees are and the people and the, you know, that was a little, but honestly, that wasn't. You know, I think it was just, I put my tree in a place in my house where my living room has big windows. Like the windows go from floor to ceiling. Okay, so the light really comes in.

And I put my tree in the corner. And so really, it's almost like putting it in an oven. Even when I pour water in the little cup in the tree stand, oh my God, my poor, it's like putting a tree up in Nagasaki or Hiroshima when the bomb went off. It just kind of cooks to a crisp in about three days. And structurally, the tree's still there, but if you touch it, oh, my God, just the needles start falling off. And so, you know, it's very messy when it's all said and done.

When I take the tree down and then taking the tree down, I got to cut it up, and then I got to put it in the yard, and then the gardener's got to do the thing, and we've got to clean up all the needles. And so it's a little bit of extra work. And I guess the reality is I thought I'm getting a little bit older, and maybe I don't want to drive to the place. maybe COVID's a little bit of it. And so I went online and I thought, you know, I'll look.

I'll just look and I'm not getting a fake tree unless it looks good. And sure enough, I go on Amazon and oh my God, some of these trees just look amazing. But I'm still a bit skeptical. I'm like, all right, a picture's one thing, but how's it going to look in my living room? So I do it. I bite the boy. I said, look, if I'm going to order one, I'm getting a good one. So this one had pine cones.

and the needles looked real, and it looked fluffy, and it was seven and a half feet tall, so it was a big thing. And here's the other thing, it already had the lights built into it, so I didn't have to do the lights. And I'm like, you know, maybe I'll try it. And if I don't like it, I can get rid of it.

So this thing was about 300 bucks. And normally I spend like 40 to 60 bucks on a real tree every year. So I figure after, you know, a few years, This thing pays for itself, not that I even, not that that even matters. Who thinks like that? Well, if I, you know, if it lasts me four years, it pretty much pays for itself. Well, then I'm not, I'm not out any money. Like, who cares?

Unless you're living in the poor house, who cares? So I got the thing and it shows up in a box and it's all disassembled. And I'm thinking, uh-oh, this looks a little raggedy. and I don't know if this matters or not, but it was made in America. It was made over in, like, Vermont or something. So right away, I'm thinking, okay, because, you know, I'm not sure the Chinese, you know, everything's made in China. So I'm thinking maybe the Chinese don't really care that much about our Christmas.

So, you know, sometimes you get stuff from China and it's done well, and sometimes you get stuff from China, and you go, uh, what planet was this made on? please. So this was an American-made Christmas tree, and it came out, and I was a little skeptical because, you know, it's disassembled, and it's in pieces, and it's wires, and it's fake, and it's...

So I follow the instructions, I put it together, and I fluff it all out, and I plug it in, and lo and behold, it actually looks really good. It really does. It looked, you know, it looked pretty good without the lights on, and then I plugged the lights in and, man, it's like, I'm proud of my tree.

I got my first fake tree, and I got my first fake tree in Hollywood, so you guessed it. It's got, it's the only Christmas tree I've ever had with fake boobs on it. Okay, you knew I had to do some kind of joke. But in all honesty, I'm really happy with it. It looks good.

It's tall, it's not crooked. The lights are all placed. properly. When I fanned out all the branches, you know, you have to do a little bit of pulling, like the branches are all kind of bundled together because they're wire. And I started pulling them all out. And I was like, oh, is this going to fluff out properly? But it looks really damn good. So there you go. I've got my fake tree. And at the end of it, I saved the box. I'm going to be able to fold it up and put it back in. And the only thing I'm really going to kind of miss, I think, is the smell, you know, that pine tree smell, but then someone told me you can order these little

things online that smell like pine trees. So maybe I'll do that. I'll just have the complete fake Hollywood Christmas tree. You know, they say everything in Hollywood's fake, so I want to have a fake tree with fake boobs and fake smell, fake ass, fake lips, fake hair. You know what I'll do Christmas Eve? I'll give my damn fake tree. liposuction, and then if it starts to look a little, you know, it starts sagging a little, I'll inject it with some Botox. You know, I'm in Hollywood. My fake tree's going to be around longer than I am.

So there you go. A little bit weird, you know, emotionally, psychologically. I feel a little weird, and in a way I feel like I've deceived myself. I feel like I've cheapened Christmas a little, but I go, no. I mean, I carry that around with me a little bit, but then I put the presents under the tree, and I took some pictures, and I sent it to some family members, and they're like, oh, my God, what a lovely tree. And it, you know, when I plug it in, and I put the star on top, and, you know, it just, it feels good.

It's sitting there in the corner the way my other trees did. And, yeah, in the back of my head, there's that little thing. It's a phony. It's a fraud. Get it out. Get the fraud out. But you know what? I look at it. It makes me feel all glowy inside. It makes me feel all Christmasy inside. And so, you know what? I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it right here on my Christmas podcast. I love my little Christmas tree. My fake little tree. Oh, fake Christmas tree. Oh, fake Christmas tree. How phony are your branches? They're not even made of wood.

You don't even smell like wood. Oh, fake Christmas tree, fake Christmas tree. I really love to motorboat in your branches. And if you don't know what motorboat is, look it out. Geez. So there you go. A little bit of the goings-on and good old Harlan's Christmas World. Hello. Hello. Hey Harlan, you ever drive all the way across the country to go to San Francisco to do a bunch of methamphetamine and put together a 500-piece puzzle? you will

you will you will hello harland it's Lonnie hope you're having a great day and I have a joke for you it is

what do you call a lazy kangaroo a poutch potato ha ha love you bye

hey Harlan Zachree from Indiana again so I'm like to thank you. I mean, we got a Halloween special and then a Thanksgiving special and I feel like you're going to

be spoiling us if you give us a Christmas special, but it's not going to be Christmas without hearing the song Snowballs by I forget his name, Rudy Kassoni, maybe. I don't think that's right, but... Lo it out your dingo. Anyways, happy holidays, ma'am. I love you.

I love the past few podcasts. And I want to wish you a Merry Christmas, buddy. Chicken chow ma'am. Hey, Harlan, love the podcast. I'm just sitting here eating my bread. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Smack the baby. Smack it. A hearta. Smack the baby. Hi, Harlan.

My name's Susan Robinson. I live in Dallas, Texas. And I've always thought you were handsome. We're almost the same age. I'm an ex-skydiver. I retired from skydiving a couple years ago. I'm fun and single, no kids. I'm about 5'1 and 110 pounds, and I would love to meet you.

So call me back if you can, 972. Back the baby. 696. Maybe you can come to Dallas and we can hang out. Bye. Wait, what? He wants me to go up an owl? Are you serious, Roger?

He never does this at Christmas. Wow. Okay, so just to bring you up to speed while we're listening to the messages, it sounds like my boss up on the 12th floor, Mr. Featherstone, who runs my whole podcast, usually Christmas just blows by and he doesn't really go out of his way to, you know, do anything super nice or Christmasy for me. Roger, he wants me to go up. Up right now.

And you said, it's a Christmas present thing? Okay, wow. Okay, Rogers gave me the thumbs up. So it looks like, you know, I was going to do some other Christmas stuff here on the podcast, but it looks like I'm heading up, up to the 12th floor to my boss's office, Mr. Featherstone, and it sounds like he might have a little present for me. I got to admit him. I'm kind of excited.

It's not like him to be Christmassy. So Roger, why don't you play something Christmas-y? Well, I'm on the elevator and heading up, and I'll stay wired on my mic. And when I get to his office, I'll click it on so everyone can hear the transaction between me and my boss, and it should be fun. It's Christmas.

This is kind of cool. This is like a Christmas surprise right here. So play something Christmassy, Roger, and let's check in once I'm up there. Okay? Go for it. "'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring,

not even a mouse. Itchy, itchy. The stockings were hung by the chimney with care in the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. Now, you know what they say about hopes? They're what we cling to when real. reality has left us nothing else. The children were nestled snug in their beds

while visions of sugar plums danced in their heads and mama in her kerchief and I in my cap had just settled down for a long winter's nap. Now, kids, here's a question, true or false. During the holiday season, the suicide rate increases significantly Right? Well, you get back to me on this.

When out on the lawn there rose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. You know that the state of California has a home invasion law where it's actually legal to shoot someone just for entering your residence? And I'm talking, I mean perfectly legal. Did you know that? Well, it's true. Away to the window I flew like a flash tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow gave a luster of midday to the objects below

when what to my wandering eye should appear but a miniature sleigh and ate tiny reindeer. Now, did you know? That it is estimated that Santa sleigh weighs 353,000 tons. So, traveling at 650 miles per second would create such an enormous friction that Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame. You understand, like a meteor entering the atmosphere. This is a scientific fact. With a little old driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

You know, in Portugal, they actually don't call him Saint Nick. His name is Pai Natal. And unless children leave him a stick of butter, he steals one of their toes. It's rather terrifying. Oh, by the way, if any of you guys are in the moment. mood for a treat, here's a bowl of halls, mentholptus. You know, no? Suit yourselves.

Can I say, when I was a child, we used to suck on pennies. You know what I'm saying? And it was a delight. You know, I'm getting the sense that not many of you were enjoying this. I mean, am I correct in this? assumption okay well I'm well kids let's put it this way you've rendered all

this useless okay I'll just skip to the end but I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night Well here I am I'm up in the in the waiting room out in the lobby outside of mr. Featherstone's office there's a Betty the reception Hi, Betty. How are you? Happy holidays. Merritt. Okay. Okay, I just got flipped off. Best of the season, Betty.

And I just got flipped off again. Not even at Christmas. But I am excited. I'm going in to see my boss. Apparently he's got a Christmas present for me. Right, Betty? Okay. Flipped off three times. And, oh, here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. The door's opening. I'm going in to see Mr. Featherstone. Oh, my God. Uh, hello. Hello. Sir, Mr. Featherstone?

Hello? Yes, sir. It, it's, uh, it's me, Harland. Oh. Uh, Harlan Williams from the Harlan Highway? Ha, hallollulula. hallelujah from the hawaiian what no sir harland williams from the harland highway downstairs wait a minute howie duty from ha honolulu from what sir it's harland williams you from the harland highway

podcast you summon me for for christmas oh you're the plunge the the plod Cat guy. The podcast, sir. Yeah, the, uh, the plod stop. Sir, it's called a podcast, sir. Yeah, that's what I said, the plod gob. Sir. Oh, anyway, sit out.

What are you going to stand here all day and let your lips flap like a caramelized petunia? A caramelized petunia, sir? You heard me sit down. Uh, yeah, yes, sir. I was very excited that you summoned me up here. I heard from Roger that this was a Christmas thing. Well, it is the holidays, and you do the scornclot, right? The podcast, sir.

Right, and for years, I've never really given you a Christmas present, have I? Well, no, sir, and not that I expected one or anything, but if that's what this is about, I'm very touched. Oh, I'm sure you touched. Sir? You ever go to that little funny bar downtown at 19th and 11th? Funny bar, sir? You know, the lemonade stand, Harry's lemonade stand?

Harry's lemonade stand, sir? Uh-huh. Sir? Sir? Uh-huh. So, no, sir, I don't go to the first. funny little bars downtown whatever that means yeah i'm sure you know what it means sir before we get into this yes sir let me ask you something yes sir have you ever farted sir have you ever farted

into a bowl of eggnog sir sir i don't fart into things every time i come up here you ask me well you ought to try it's very christmasy How can farting into a bowl of eggnog be Christmassy? Because you serve eggnog at Christmas, right? Yes, sir. So if you fart it at Christmas? Okay. Well, just because it's around Christmas it makes it Christmassy.

That's it? Well, you're not going to fart an eggnog in the middle of the summer, are you? No, sir. Well, stop being an idiot. Me? Sir? You heard me. Now, what do you want? Sir, you told me... You sent for me for Christmas. Oh, that's right. I wanted to give you a special present this year.

Yes, sir. Now, what are your two favorite things? Sir? Okay, let me narrow it down. Your two favorite things, one of them in regular times. Okay. And the other favorite thing, at Christmas. Um, oh, gee, I guess in normal time, sir.

And let's be out all about it, okay? Let's talk man to man. We're not, we're not sitting at your funny little bar downtown on a Saturday night. Sir? You know, your funny little bars? How about the, uh, the electric fucking cornbread loaf down on 97th and 12th? The electric cornbread loaf, sir. Uh,

sir? Uh. Sir, I don't go to the electric corn brand loaf. Well, what's one of your favorite things? I'm talking adult. You mean like grown-up stuff? Like, you know what I mean, adult. Well, if it's just between me and you,

I guess what good old, You know, American blue-blooded guy doesn't like, I guess, sex? Uh-huh. Right? That's right. That's a very good answer. Sex is one thing. Yes, sir.

And now at Christmas, what's your favorite thing? I'm not sure where this is going, sir. Well, why don't you just answer the questions? Because when I put them together, you're going to get your Christmas present. Oh, okay. Well, I guess Christmas, I've always loved Santa, even though I'm not a little boy anymore. Who doesn't love Santa? Okay, exactly.

And what is Santa used to fly his sleigh? Well, the reindeer's. That's right. Okay. All right, well, here's your present. You said sex and reindeer's, right? Yes, sir. Betty, bring him in.

Bring him in. Come on. Sir, what the heck is this? Bring them on in here, Betty. Are those... That's right. Sir, are those reindeer? That's right, the real live reindeer.

Oh, my God. Is this part of my Christmas present? It's the first part. Oh, my God. This is magical. Two beautiful reindeer with the antlers and... Oh, my goodness. Sir, right here in your office, live reindeer.

That's right. And now for the second party of your Christmas present. Oh my God, I don't know if it could get any better. Do you remember what you said your favorite thing was? Yes, sir. You said reindeer, right? Yes, sir. And what was the other thing you said was your favorite?

Well, we were talking. Do you mind if I wait till Betty leaves? Betty, get the hell out of here. And what was the other thing? Uh, well, sir, between me and you, I said sex That's right, you said sex and raineers are your two favorite things Well, well, you know So here we go, Merry Christmas

What, what do you mean, sir? Just watch What, oh my What are the reindeer doing, sir? Just shut up and watch at your Christmas present What, why is that one climbing on the back of the other one, sir. Just shut up and watch the show.

Oh, my God. What are they doing? What do you think? What? Oh, my God. What's that thing down there? Oh, my God. Shut up.

Oh, my, are they copulating, sir? I don't know what that means, but I'll tell you what they are doing. They're making love like a couple of fucking Korean elves and a fucking pineapple festival. Sir, I'm... Oh my God, are those... Those reindeer are having sexual intercourse. Merry Christmas. What do you mean, Merry Christmas, sir?

It's your two favorite things, sex and rain dears. Sir, I feel like I've been tricked a little. I don't know if I want to watch this. Oh, my God. Oh, it just slipped out. Oh, my... Holy God, that thing's huge. Oh, my...

Sir, I don't really think this is... appropriate. I'm not going to watch this. You're going to watch your Christmas present or you're not going to come home to a job tomorrow. Sir, I... This is not very appropriate. This is not very Christmassy. What can be more Christmassy than Sandy Claus's reindeer? Fucking like ostriches. Well, sir, oh my God, oh my God. Oh, stop. Sir, can I leave, please? Oh, you're going to enjoy your Christmas present. I don't want to watch reindeer having sexual intercourse. You better watch it.

Or you're going to end up on the welfare line, you humpy dumpy, dumpy, sucking monkey? Sir, I'm not a humpet. Oh, my God. Oh, what is he doing? Hey, while you're watching this, let me ask you something. No, sir. Have you ever farted?

Sir, no. I'm not going to talk about farts while two. reindeer are fucking, sir, have you ever farted into a Wendy's Baconator? Oh my God, I'm out of here, sir. Where do you think you're gone? I've got to leave, sir. The Ray Rudolph hasn't climaxed yet. I don't want to see a reindeer achieving orgasm, sir. Yeah, well, sit down. No, sir, thank you. Have you ever farted into a cob salad? Sir, Merry Christmas. Thank you. Sir, Merry Christmas. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Oh, you're going to miss the best part.

Here comes the snow blizzard. Oh, God. I've got to go, Mr. Featherstone. Thank you, sir. Merry Christmas, I guess. Yeah, well, up yours. I hope you choke on a chihuahua. What, sir?

You heard me, go choke on a chihuahua for Christmas, you ungrateful. I brought two of the horniest reindeer you've ever seen, You're leaving? Sir, I just can't stomach this. Yeah, we'll go choke on a chihuahua. Thank you, Mr. Featherstone. Goodbye, sir. Happy holidays.

Merry Christmas, sir. All the best. Thank you, sir. Go choke on a little black chihuahua, you whore. Making decorated cookies is part of the magic of Christmas. Make them with pilsberry slice and make sugar cookies. On this holiday night With the magic of pop and fresh dough

The fun's in the making Just slice it and make it And sprinkle and shake And they're ready to take My very own Santa You can make magic you know Christmas cookies This easy must be magic

The magic of pop and fresh dope Oh ho ho! Oh my God Roger That was like the weirdest Christmas present I've ever experienced I don't even want to tell you What happened up there, okay?

Oh, I'm just so rattled and unnerved, and my Christmas might be ruined forever. This has been a very disturbing show. We had George Michael with his bizarre incidents, Mr. Featherstone. I mean, I got a fake Christmas tree. It's COVID. Maybe it's just this whole year. Everything's just a little kooky and a little nutty and a little whacked. but hit hit some nice Christmas music Roger let let's end it out with let's try a little just a little

pinch of normalcy that's nice I like that let's just end it on a bit of a normal note if we can if that's possible hey folks Harland here as you know it's been a nutty year there's been a lot of things going on, socially, physically, mentally, health-wise, politically, economically, globally, locally, I mean, with friends and family, and it's been a topsy, turvy year. And, you know, we've all probably got people in our lives that have been affected. in one way or another by the COVID crisis and the stay-at-home orders and the travel restrictions and people getting sick and maybe people passing away and maybe people getting right to the edge.

And I think it's kind of caused everyone's buttons to be pushed and our stress levels and our levels of everything have been kind of up and down and all over the map. and it's been a rocky one. And on one level, it's interesting and it's fascinating. It's like, what a study in social observation. I mean, do you remember when the COVID first hit? People were running around, and the first thing they went for was toilet paper. Like, they were emptying the shelves for toilet paper,

and you sit here and you wonder, what is wrong with people? I mean, there's a lot to be learned in human behavior when you see this type of thing happen because it hasn't happened in our lifetime. And when you see a tragedy strike, when you see an epidemic hit, when you see something that affects all of us, and the first thing human beings do is load up on bum wipe, they want to make sure they can wipe their butt crack. You know, to me that just made it all a little more disturbing. It made me go, what the hell is wrong with us? What the hell are we thinking? This is the top priority?

A nice soft crack wipe? So a little unnerving, a little weird, but that's what I mean. The whole thing is just off. And maybe we're all off. And maybe we've been off for a long time. And maybe, you know, if one thing this crisis taught us, I think it taught a lot of us how to be more introspective, how to be more patient, more caring, more loving, more thoughtful,

and really made us examine ourselves. I think all of us have had to look inside. And I wouldn't be surprised if many of you listening have had thoughts about career changes, Have had thoughts about location, geographical changes, maybe moving? Maybe you've had thoughts about changing your, I hate to say it, your relationship status? Maybe you, well, maybe it's not all bad, but maybe some of you were like, I don't want to be with this person. Or maybe some of you were like, I want to find somebody.

I want to be with this. So maybe it worked on both levels. And maybe you learned a lot about yourself and the people. around you and the world around you and oh my gosh and just let me remind you and not making light of you know many lives were lost and many people were put out and many things were disrupted but my god when you think of of the levels of catastrophe that could happen you know what if there was an epidemic out there that if you caught it there was no hope you just dropped dead within 24 hours like Ebola your eyes started to bleed and your inside started to get eaten alive and

you know what if what if there was an epidemic where this thing just spread through the air and it wasn't even about touching or being six feet away or wearing a mask what if it just obliterated us and so again not to make light or or not to take away from the the danger and the devastation of COVID but you know can you imagine if let's say if COVID's a two or a three imagine what's something that that was at a 10 or a 12 would be like where people were literally dropping dead in the street in front of you like if you got it you were gone in a day the only silver lining to this COVID is that at least we were able to keep some type of handle on it and and COVID was very particular about who's

lives it took, it seemed to target the elderly and the sickly, which is very, very sad. But what if it just went indiscriminately for all of us, for any reason? Just you got punished for breathing. You were a goner. And then imagine how fast the toilet paper would be gone. So it's been a bit of a cruel, weird. upside down, topsy-turvy year, and, you know, this is one of the reasons why I thought, how can I contribute?

How can I help lessen the trauma and the stress and soften the blow, if you will? And I thought, what kind of help could I give? Could I go and serve soup at a soup kitchen? Yes, could I donate some money somewhere? Yes, things that I've done. But I thought, I guess maybe my gift. is to kind of entertain people and bring them a laugh and talk to them. And so throughout the year, I've done quite a few podcast specials to try and help everyone cope and get through.

And so that's my little gift here. As much as I love doing them, I just felt this was a very special year where there was an extra layer of importance to doing the podcast. It helps people take their mind off it and let people reconnect with the silly side and their sense of humor and hopefully I was able to accomplish that with you guys and I hope

we can go forward. You know, the scary thing is everyone's like, oh, 2020's over, the worst year ever. I can't wait until it's 2021. And I said to a friend of mine the other day, I said, you know, just because the calendar rolls over doesn't mean COVID stops. It doesn't mean

everything stops. And I'm not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but we've got to be prepared for more of this, unfortunately. Who knows how long it's going to last. So the holidays, I think, help us remind each other of how human we are and how much we care and how much joy we have in our hearts and how much generosity and how much love and all the good things. You know, that's the beauty of Christmas and the whole holiday season. And I think it really minds that in all of us, whether you're Jewish or Muslim or Christian or Hindu or Buddhist or whatever you are.

I think there's just this time of year. There's something that gets inside of us and makes us feel brotherly and sisterly and loving and caring and we embrace each other and all our differences and all our kookiness. And the holidays and all that goes with it, the music and the caroling and the presence and the lighting of lights and the holding of hands, whatever it is, the mating of reindeer, the sitting on a snowman's face, whatever it may be, it's a good thing. and I hope I hope everyone listening can take this time and just try and shut off all the tough stuff that we've been dealing with and let the holidays absorb you.

Let the holidays wash all over you. Try not to be troubled. Rest your weary mind. And from me to you, gang, I want to wish you a very merry, merry Christmas and a happy holiday, whatever holiday that, may be and a happy new year coming up and just good thoughts and good things for the new year. Okay. So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed the Harland Highway Christmas podcast.

It was a strenuous one for me, so I had to deal with some tough stuff. But we made it through. Hope you had some laughs. And here's me wishing you a very merry. Christmas and a happy holiday and New Year 2 okay smile love hug kiss sing

give presents and until next time chicken chamehame baby Oh! Ah! Ah!