The Harland Highway - The HARLAND HIGHWAY THANKSGIVING PODCAST

Episode Date: November 21, 2020

Featuring the Thanksgiving Day Parade, a journey into the MATRIX, A Hardy Boys Mystery and just a little bit of Meatloaf! HAPPY THANKSGIVING YA'LL! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, boy, it's that time of year. You know what I mean. It's turkey time. And here we are at the Harland Highway Thanksgiving podcast episode, I guess. Yeah, what else are we going to call it? And what a pod we have for you. Of course, we have the Thanksgiving Day parade with John Waters and John starters. They'll be calling the beautiful floats coming down the Harland Highway throughout the show.

Also, we've got a, I don't know if you like Hardy Boy's Mysteries, but we've got a Hardy Boy mystery that I think all of us are somehow involved in. You'll be surprised how you're involved in the Hardy Boy mystery. Also, we're going to take a few calls from some of the pavement pounders. We're going to be taking a few of your phone calls. And then also, I'm going to be sharing with you an experience I had, a very strange experience where I might have actually stepped into the Matrix. Have you heard of the Matrix? Yeah, yours truly might have accidentally or purposefully stepped into the Matrix.

And then later on the show, I might even sing a little meatloaf. But nonetheless, it's going to be a blast. And of course, during the show, we're going to have our turkey song that we do every Thanksgiving. So it's all here. Get your giblets on. Put your helmet on. This is the Harland Highway. That's a sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come on.

You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. That means that every woman in this village who is capable of childbirth is going to have a baby. You shit kicking, stinky horseman or small. Motherfucker, you tell me his name! You must tell me his name! This is Harland Williams. Oh, well, my mistake. Ha ha ha! Guess I'll be on my way then.

You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. What have you done to it? What have you done to its eyes? All of you. All of you freaks. Heavens to Mergatroyd. Whether you're wearing a pullover or a cardigan, it's the Harland Highway.

I have to hang up now. Oh, hooray, hooray. It's Thanksgiving season, isn't it? We can't let a Thanksgiving slip by without doing a Harlan Highway podcast, can we? And yes, that's right. The Thanksgiving Day Parade, the Harlan Highway Thanksgiving Day Parade will be coming up later in the show. People are already texting, asking for it. You can hear it dinging in the background.

So get ready, you Gorgonzola cheese sniffing freaks. Ha ha. But first, let's start the show and unravel a bit of a mystery. Do you consider yourself Nancy Drew if you're a girl? Or do you consider yourself the Hardy Boys? If you're a boy, because if you don't, you should. Because there's a mystery that is afoot. Okay, there is a mystery that shrouds all of us.

There is a deep, dark mystery that Roger, play the Hardy Boys and at Nancy Drew theme. We need this here because this is a mystery that afflicts probably most of us. And it could be on your person at any given time. time or in your purse or in your wallet. I'm talking about, we'll call this, the mystery of the Blankin' blankin' freaking credit card. How about that? I think you know what I mean with the blinkin' blankin' the mystery of the blankin' credit card. Right? Most of us have a credit card. That's why I said this this affects most of us and it's in your wallet or it's in your purse or it's you keep it down your underpants I don't know where you keep it

but it's pretty straightforward right it's a little rectangle of plastic with a stripe on the back shouldn't be too complicated and yet and yet there's a deep dark mystery on your credit card tonight the Hardy Boys and that's why we call it the mystery of the blank and credit card How many times have you had to pull your credit card out to order something online, order some food, go to a restaurant, you're on tech support, you're ordering something over the phone. Can we get your credit card number, sir?

Oh, yeah, Domino's, yeah, okay, here we go. Let me just pull my credit card out. Thank you, sir. We'll wait online. Thank you very much. Let me, okay, I've got my credit card. Okay, can you give us that number, sir? Well, I'd like to give you the number, but the way that they make credit cards and the way they put the numbers on them, see, sir, some of them are flat and they're just flat right on the credit card, they're printed on there, and some of them are stamped so that they're like, you know, that they rise up a bit in the plastic and, well, is there a problem, sir, is there an issue?

Well, the problem is, you know, they're so long. I think there's 700 numbers in a credit card. Okay, sir, I'm waiting with other callers on the other line if you could move this along I'm trying to tell you there's so many numbers on a credit card and the way they put them on the credit card you know you have to bend the credit card you have to turn the credit card you have to find just the certain right angle to get the right amount of light from a certain prism to get the to be able to read the damn card sir are we going to have to hang up on you no I'm just telling you there's a mystery because no one can read their damn credit card. If you're not in the exact right light, you have to turn this thing.

No, I can't see the number yet. That looked like a seven. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. There's some moonlight coming through my bathroom window just to the crack. I can just be, okay, there's 749. Yes, sir. Well, that's just three of the numbers. Now I've got to move to somewhere else in my house and twist my credit card.

There's a nightlight in my guest bedroom. It's down by the floor. And if I just kind of hold my credit card way down there and just bend it at a 45-degree angle, I think I can get you the next three or four numbers. Sir, we've got to go. Thank you for your paycheck. Click. I mean, you know the mystery I'm talking about?

You can't ever read your damn credit card. And they put the numbers on the credit card. They didn't just put them in their click. Like, it's not just like a clean number. They've got them across the logo. They've got them across the little picture of the American Airlines plane. They've got them across some writing, the terms and conditions of your stupid credit card, which should just say good luck reading this blank and credit card number.

And what sucks is these damn credit card numbers are so long. Who needs that many numbers? I don't even think that the nuclear bomb codes are as long as a credit card. card number 7, 4, 3, 9, 2, 5, 6, 7, 8, 4, 3, 7, 7, 9, 4, 3, 3, 3, 7, 9, 4. Like, why do we need so many damn numbers on a credit card? So they make it so you can't memorize it. If anyone here can memorize their credit card, you should officially join the Rain Man Club because you're some kind of a savant.

So you can't memorize the damn thing. So you've got to look at it. And a lot of times you're ordering food at night when the sun's gone down. So your house is a little dimmer. And so you're like, listen, can I call you back when there's a total eclipse of the sun? I think that's the only light that will illuminate my credit card, a full solar eclipse. Just that one little, just before the sun goes blank, there's that really bright crescent of light that's beamed. down and if I hold my credit card I can get the freaking number what so that's the mystery

what the hell what is your credit card number how do you what did they do it like that and then the numbers thing isn't over oh no no once you get that 700 digit number out now they've got well now that you've done all that work why don't you tell us when the thing expires We don't really care, but we just thought we'd just gouge you. We'd really give it to you. Okay, let me bend my car. I think it's three, 24, five. Okay, okay, okay.

So you got the 700 digit number. You got the goofy expiration date, but we're not finished with the yet. What? Yeah. We're going to add some more numbers. We're going to hide them. We're going to hide them on the other side, and they're going to be little tiny numbers.

and that's a secret code number. Okay, so wait a minute. The 900 numbers I already gave plus the expiration date. That's not enough. You need more numbers. Yes, we'd like three more secret code numbers, please. Okay, let me find, get out in the moonlight

with a flashlight on my head, a dewworm picking flashlight. I'll strap it to my head like a coal miner. I'll stand out here in my garden under the full moon and see if I can, find the secret code number because I'm fucking Nancy Drew and I'm the hearty boys.

I just want a pizza. I don't want a damn mystery. Can I get my fucking dinner? Do I have to solve a mystery to eat? I mean, good Lord. Can you imagine the count on Sesame Street

trying to do this? Could we get your credit card number, sir? Ah, yes. Four, nine, three, two. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Yes, sir? Oh, uh, seven, nine, a four, four, six. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ah. Yes, sir? Oh, three, three, seven, zero, two, six. Go ahead, sir. Jesus, fucking Christ. Where are you? I'm going to fly to you and suck the fucking blood out of your fucking head. I'm a vampire.

Sir, just 12 more numbers. 6-9-4. Ah, ah, ah, ah. I mean, can you... What the... What is going on with our credit card? We put people on the moon. We've got smartphones.

We've got internet. Can't they do this any different now? Do we have to be like we're explorers in an ancient Egyptian cave, and we've uncovered some hieroglyphics on a wall, and we're like, ooh, look, what does it say, Johnson? Well, I'm not sure, Davidson. Put the light on it, and let's try and figure it's Mr. Out. Oh, yes, I'm sure they'll be dying to suit we've come up with back at the Royal Conservatory.

Let's see. What is it? Four, nine, three, two, seven, five, nine. Good God. Can we get rid of the credit? Is there something else we can do? Can you take a flake of my skin? Can you cut my iris out of my fucking eye?

Can I send in one of my fingertips? Can I cut one? I've got ten fingertips. I'll cut one off, and you guys can keep it on file. And if that expedites me, getting a pizza or a cabbage roll or ordering. Come on. So there you go. I started the show with a little mystery that needed to be unraveled. And now you know, you all are, at least all of you who have a credit card, are officially, if you're a girl, Nancy Drew, if you're a boy, the Hardy Boys, or maybe there's another mystery in this world that we live.

Even now, where sexes and genders just seem to be a free-for-all, maybe you're a Nancy Drew-Harty boy, Nancy Drew boy. So who knows what we are anymore? That's the next mystery. Oh, what a treat. Sir, we still need three more numbers. Oh, my God, 5-7-3! I'm sorry, sir, one of those numbers was incorrect.

Could you start again from the beginning? Ah, ah, ah, I'm going to fucking murder you. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Hello? Hello? Hey, Harlan, it's Zachary from Indiana. I haven't spoken to you in a while. First off, I wanted to say thank you.

Thank you, thank you so much for the Halloween special podcast you did. really lighten my spirits with everything that's been going on. I really needed that pick me up. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Secondly, two guys in underpants. Love it.

I can't get enough of it. It is one of the best things I have seen in 2020. Anyways, I just love what you do, man. And I hope that you're getting along. But until next time, man, chicken chal mane, baby. Zach from Indiana. is well i'm glad you're um enjoying two guys in their underpants um i i appreciate that endorsement man it's uh for those of you that don't know what it is it's on my patreon page

it's a video series that i write and direct and shoot and do all the voices for it's about these two dolls they look like ken dolls demented ken dolls and they they go on adventures all over the world and it is ridiculous so if you want to get in on that madness Go to patreon.com backslash Harland Williams And you can join up and check it out You can jump on for $5 a month And if you don't like it, you can jump back off But if you like it, you can stay there

And every month you get new adventures, new episodes Of two guys in their underpants I think it'll put a big smile on your face And hey everybody Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse.

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Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Thank you laugh. So check it out. And as far as the Halloween special, glad you liked it. That's why we did it to raise your spirits. And we're all going through a tough time. And, you know, it's a time where we got to reach out

and check in with that. each other and make sure everyone's doing okay. Psychologically, these are tough times as well as financially and relationships and all kinds of stuff going on. We're being tested in ways we've probably never been tested before. So doing the podcast specials is my little way of helping, hopefully. And I'll tell you one thing that really lifts the spirits of everybody this time of year is the Thanksgiving Day parade, the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. And even though they said they might shut the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade down, or they'll have it but won't allow people to go, guess what?

We're not doing that here. On the Harland Highway, there is no COVID. It doesn't exist here. It's a COVID-free environment. It just never got here because it lives in the digital realm. So it's perfectly, you can come. You can stand on the curb at the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. And that's exactly what we're going to do right now.

We're going to check in with our color commentators. It's supposed to be a beautiful, wonderful parade this year. John Water and John starters are out there. And they're up in the booth. And let's just go to it. Let's enjoy it. Let's bring your family, bring your friends. Let's watch as the beautiful.

Floats come down the Harland Highway and celebrate not only Thanksgiving, but celebrate life and being together and just having a laugh and a good time. So guys, I'm going to throw it to you. Take it away, John Waters and John starters. Have fun, guys. Well, thank you very much, Harland. Well, it's great to hear from you, and it's even better to be here today at the 90s. 7th annual Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day Parade. I'm John Waters, and I'm here with my sidekick and cohort, John Starders.

Thank you, John. Great to be here. Another wonderful holiday season. We're getting ready for the floats to come down the street. And all I can ask during this very interesting time we're going through is that this year's Thanksgiving Day parade, not be a giant, soaking, dripping lemon like it has been all the other years. Well, now, let's give it a chance here, John. I mean, we've got a beautiful date on a cloud of the sky,

and we've got children and parents and even grandparents lining the Harland Highway here today, and there's a real festive mood in the crowd, and by golly, I think this could be the year that tops them all, John. Well, you know, I think we've heard this little song and dance from you before, John. I mean, I hate to call you out, and I hate to look down at the ground to see if you have your ballet slippers on. But I'm afraid this little song and dance you're setting up before the first float comes around the corner is not really working, John. Well, oh, man, wow, well, it looks like, you know, we're up against it again, John.

Tough guy to please. Man, wow. But I think we're going to do it. And as I say that, oh, man, you can hear the marching music down below. And you can hear the horns honking. Wow. Oh, man. Wow.

Well, there's some kind of ruckus going on. And I think it's because our first float, John, is coming around the corner. And there it is. I can just see the front of it. Oh, my goodness. Look at the size of that float. my goodness that thing is towering it's almost hitting the power lines right away the first float coming around the bend a danger to the crowd to the city to the code ordinance and i'm afraid there could be an electrical fire and bodies frying on the sidewalk john right out of the gate this parade's not really working john oh man wow now you'll want to tell here it comes. The hall float's coming into view and I'm looking down at my papers here, John,

and it looks like this is the Pfizer Corporation. And I know who they are. They're the big pharmaceutical company. So no wonder the float is so humongous. These pharmaceutical companies have endless pockets to pull cash from, John. Well, I don't think that's a bad thing. It's on kicking the parade off with a bang. Oh, man, that floats bigger than a Dairy Queen Sunday and a little baby's little pungy hands, John. Not really working, John. Now, let's see what they've got here.

It looks like the Pfizer Corporation with a tip of the hat to COVID. It looks like this floats theme is the vaccine float. and if you look, there's a giant hypodermic needle riding way up high on this float. A giant hypodermic needle, John, you might as well fill it with heroin and slap it into the vein in the inner thigh of my right leg.

Pumped me full of that heroin gold because I'd rather see the illusions that heroin create than to see this monstrosity barreling down the street. Really, a little, insensitive. Now, why is that, John? People are suffering over 200,000 dead from COVID, and we've got a needle rolling down the street. Well, hold on, John. Oh, man, wow. Not just a needle, John. It's a needle filled with the vaccine to cure the COVID virus. Oh, man. Wow, look at that thing. Well, I'm looking,

John, and I don't know that I really think it's the right message. We don't have a vaccine that we knows works, and why would they torture and tease society and the public in general with something that's still a giant question mark? Not really working, John. Well, maybe this is working. Look at this, John. A whole handful of clowns have just jumped off the float, and they've got something in their hands. It looks like candy. They're walking up to the crowd. That's not candy, John. Those freaking mutant clowns have syringes in their hand. Oh, my, oh, man. Wow, you're right. I thought they were lollipops or something. There's syringes with pointed needles on the end and there's some kind of blue liquid in the syringe. It looks like the COVID clowns. What are they doing?

Oh, man. Wow, it looks like they're walking up to people in the crowd, John, and injecting them with the COVID vaccine. An untested, unproven vaccine. Oh, my God, they're just stabbing people in the arms, that they're just randomly grabbing children. They just stabbed a child right in the eye. A syringe just went in that young child's eye. He's screaming.

He's writhing in pain. He's holding his eye. There's blood spurting from his other eye, John. Oh, man, wow. It must have been a slip-up. It's probably hard to see where you're aiming a hypodermagnetion. when you're dressed in a clown costume, John. Well, how about this?

That old lady down there just took a hypodermic needle right between the eyes and her forehead. Oh, man, now that's gotta hurt. She's wobbling around, she's disoriented. Clearly the liquid went right into her varicose veins, and look at that, she stumbled, and she just got crushed under the float, John. Oh, man, talk about road relish.

Oh, my God, not. really working. What was supposed to save people is quickly killing them. Look at the clowns. They're stabbing people there. Someone just got a syringe in the neck. There's an old lady in a wheelchair. She just took a syringe, a sharp pointed syringe right into her wrinkled right breast. The clown ripped her shirt open and stabbed it right in the eye of her nipple. Oh, God. Oh, at least he's got good aim, John. That can't be easy to put the tip of a needle right in the milk gland of an old lady's hanging wrinkled breast. Wow, man.

Oh, my God, not really working. And look at that, cloud. He's not even, there's clouds emerging up on the float. They're not even getting off the float. They're throwing syringes like darts, like they're playing a game of darts in a British pub. And I've got to say they've got pretty good aim, John. There they go, one after the other throw.

throwing darts, popping balloons, people getting needles in the eye, people getting needles in the throat. Oh, my God, that man just took a syringe rate in the groin. He's rolling on the ground blood spurting from his testicles, John. Oh, man, someone get me a bottle of ketchup and hold the mustard, John. Oh, my God, not really working. Oh, this horrible parade is off to a horrible start, just like I knew it was. but not really working, John. Okay, well, we'll get ready for the next float.

I think it's a bit of fun excitement. Listen to the crowd. They're screaming, they're yelling, they're screaming in terror, John. Well, call it what you will. We're having fun at the 94th annual Harlan Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. Oh, man, wow, not really working. And we're going to come back for our next float. Let's throw it back to you, Harlan, here at the Harlan Highway 29th annual Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Not really working. Oh, my God. That baby just got hit in the uterus. Oh, my God. Okay. There it is. Our first check-in with the Harland Highway Thanksgiving Day Parade, as usual. It's a colorful event.

And we'll get back to John and John in a little bit. But first of all, I think, you know, because we're still in COVID mode, and I hate to bring it up because I'm sure it bums everyone out, man. But since we're still living in this COVID world, I wanted to bring up an experience that I had. And I'm not sure if it was COVID related or it was just, it would have happened regardless. But it was pretty freaky. Okay? I want to share it with you. And the reason I say it might be COVID-related is because, you know, I think all of us in our heads

have been forced into kind of new ground, new terrain, if you will, psychologically, mentally, maybe spiritually. I think this new way of life, this new isolating ourselves from each other and from society and maybe being cut off from work and friends and social events. you know, you've got to imagine it's kind of taking a toll on everybody. And when I say that, I don't want to imply that it's bad. Maybe this is something that we needed as a society. Maybe we needed to be kind of, you know, pump the brakes and slow down and

forced to stop and reflect and, you know, get out of that comfortable lifestyle and that comfortable rhythm we're all in. You know, I mean, think about it. before COVID you woke up and you could travel the world and you could make money and you could go eat and you could go to a party and you can go to the movies and you get you know there were no restrictions you know you can't break the law and you can't you know run around shooting people the machine gun but but basically we had an open book you know and all of a sudden things got really corralled and confined and we're in this place where maybe

maybe we have more time on our hands than we should, or maybe we're, you know, I don't know what the term is, but maybe we're just more isolated. And so, you know, it causes our minds to expand. It maybe causes us to use our imaginations more to figure out what to do with ourselves or maybe suddenly we're more creative because we're filling in the empty space with with things, endeavors that we've always wanted to do. So who knows? Like I said, it could be good. It could be bad.

And so something happened to me that was kind of out of the ordinary. And again, I don't know if this was pressed by the extraordinary conditions we're in, or it just would have happened. But let me tell you what it was. It was a little while back a couple of weeks. weeks ago. And it was nighttime. I think it was around, I'm going to say 10, 11 o'clock at night. And I was just milling about going through my day and then night rolled in and I'm just doing my thing. And on my property, I have a really good view of Los Angeles. Like I'm up in the hills

and I look out and I can see like the whole city and, you know, there's 11 million people in Los Angeles, right? So I just have this unobstructed view of the whole city, the twinkling lights and the skyscrapers and the, it's actually a very stunning view. I love it. It looks like you're coming in at night in an airplane. It's just gorgeous. I give thanks that I have this view all the time because it's one,

But I'm standing out on my lawn one night and it's a warm night and, you know, everything's a lot quieter than it used to be because not as, there's not as much activity. There's not as much driving. There's not as many social events. So when you're looking out over the view, there's not a lot of traffic and cars and noise at that time of night. And so I'm standing there and I'm just, you know, just looking out at the view as I often do. I like to just stare out and listen to the sounds of the night, the crickets and the owls and any distant noises. And I'm looking at the downtown skyline in Los Angeles, you know, the skyscrapers on the horizon line. And I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but, you know, our brains are very complex and they're very intricate. And I think there's a lot of chambers in our brains that maybe in our own lifetime we don't. don't even get to. In other words, picture your brain is an endless hallway full of doors.

And it's your hallway because it's your brain. And imagine if you never opened a bunch of those doors. You just never got to that place. Your mind, your imagination, your level of consciousness, you just never were able to open all the doors, but you don't know what was behind those doors. There could be genius. There could be horror.

it could be ecstasy, you don't know. And that's one of the sad things about living. I don't mean it's sad to live, but it's a bummer that we are so intricate in that I don't think any of us ever open all those doors. We don't know how to, I don't think. And if we did, maybe we'd go insane. I don't even think Einstein opened those doors.

But Einstein did open one door where he opened it and M equals M equals MC square slapped him in the face. like there it was, right? So my point is, what I'm getting at is I was standing out in the night, looking out at the horizon, and I guess one of these doors in my mind just decided to open or a gear shifted in my brain. I felt like I kind of, I was elevated or descended into a place that I'd never really slipped to in my brain. And out of nowhere, I kind of felt like all of a sudden, like I said, I shifted gears and I was thinking in a way I'd never thought before.

And I'm staring out at the twinkling lights and the buildings all lit up and the horizon and I started speaking out loud. Like out of my mouth came these words. I'm alone and I started speaking out loud and very intensely. Like it was very intense. You ever stare someone right in the air. eyes very intensely and you're just staring them down or you're in love with them and you're staring deep into their eyes and I was just staring out at the world and and all of a sudden I started to say it's not real it's not real it's not real it's not real I said it about nine times

out loud with those spaces in between because in between saying it I could hear myself saying it and I was thinking about what I was saying but I was looking at it and I was going and my brain I was going nothing none of this is real it's all an illusion I'm looking out at at the horizon I'm looking out at a city of 11 million people buildings cars noises airplanes and all I could think it was almost unstoppable it just it's almost came out of me like turning on a tap and water comes out I was just like it's not real it's not not real and I was so super focused and to be honest I was a little bit scared I was like did I just step into a new level of consciousness did I just did I just gain a new understanding of reality or

the lack thereof the lack of reality it was a very intense moment man and I just I just stood there and I was I was kind of like where did that come from who said that it was me I've never said something like that before. I've never felt something. What do you mean it's not real? I see it, but something in my brain went to a new plateau. And it was very bizarre. It was very bizarre as if maybe God said,

you know what, I'm going to let you get a peek behind the curtain real quick, just for about 30 seconds. And it's not real. and I'm like, wait a minute, I'm not, and I'm not sitting here saying it's not real. And when I say it, I mean the world, reality, what I was seeing with my eyes. And then immediately I went, oh my God, the matrix. You know, I couldn't stop thinking about the matrix. That's, that's the type of thing they said in the matrix. Nothing is real. Right, the matrix. And so, and so I kind of let the moment passed, but it was a heavy moment, and it was a deep moment. It was a powerful moment, and I,

I kind of, it had a lingering kind of effect. It, it stayed in my head, and I thought about it, and it was almost like, you know, sometimes you wake up from a powerful dream or a nightmare, and it, it kind of like your brain hurts a little, or your brain's like pulsing, or sometimes if you sleep too long, you, you slept so much, your brain is kind of like, ugh, it's Like, it feels different. And so that was lingering with me. And to this day, I wonder where that came from. And it also made me go, geez, did I just get a peek into something else?

Was I just privileged? Or am I a genius? Did I just figure it out? Or like, but then again, nothing changed. But here's where it got spooky. Okay? So that night that happened. The next day, you know, I live here in Hollywood,

and the next day I drove to work. I had to go in to do some voiceover work for my cartoon, The Puppy Dog Pals. And I go to the same voice studio every time, and I pull into the parking lot, and I park, and it's COVID, so there's no one there. Usually the parking lot's full, but now that COVID's here, they're really

restricting how many people can even walk in the building at a time. But luckily they have like three or four different recording booths and little studios. And so, you know, but they're keeping it one at a time. So I was the only one in the parking lot. Okay, I pull in. I'm sitting there and they make me wait. They go, we've got to clean, we've got to desanitize everything before you come in. So I'm sitting in the parking lot. I've got my windows down. It's hot. It's in the valley. And all of a sudden, car pulls in and it's the exact same car as mine a Tesla so I'm sitting there in my Tesla another Tesla pulls in a bit of a different color mine's black this one was like kind of a charcoal gray and the car stops and I can hear it sounds like like the the air conditioner's running

really loud you know like sometimes when you stop a car it's like shh right And so I'm kind of looking, and I see a guy get out, and he's got a COVID mask on. And he starts kind of walking around his car, looking at his thing. And so I leaned out my passenger window, and I go, oh, something going on with your car? And he goes, he turns, and it's an African-American guy. And he goes, oh, no, man, everything's just cooling down. And I looked, and there was something familiar about this guy, but he had the mask on. It's like, wait, I know that voice.

I know that. I can kind of, I think I know that face. And then I thought, oh, it's Larry Wilmore. Larry Wilmore is a, you know, a stand-up comedian, writer, showrunner. He actually took over the Daily show. When John Stewart left, it was Larry Wilmore for a while. And then it became this Noah Wiley guy. But he was a stand-up comedian and run out.

And I thought, oh, I go, hey, are you Larry? Because, you know, we'd work together doing stand-up here and there. We're not chummy-chum, but we know each other. And he pulls down his mask. And he goes, no, man, I'm Lawrence. And I look. And it's Lawrence Fishburn. You know who Lawrence Fishburn is?

Lawrence Fishburne played Mobius in the Matrix. Okay? I've been in Hollywood 30 years. I've met every freaking celebrity there is. I've never met Lawrence Fishburn. And I've never met Lawrence Fishburn the night after I think I might have discovered the Matrix. Are you freaking kid? You know how weird that was?

Do you know what? I'm just like, I'm like, whoa, wait a minute. Like, I'm sitting there after we stop talking. I'm sitting there in my car. Just kind of frozen going, what the fuck's going on, man? You know, it's almost like that scene where Neal or Neo meets Mobeus in the Matrix. And in case you don't remember it, let me play it for you because there was an extreme moment. Neo's kind of stepping into this new reality

and he doesn't know what's going on and all of a sudden here's Lawrence Fishbourne as as Mobius and he's explaining what the hell the Matrix is. So take a listen and this is what was running through my freaking mind. At last.

Welcome, Neil. As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus. It's an honor to meet you. No. The honor is mine. Please, come, sit. I imagine that right now you're feeling a bit like Alice. Tumbling down the rabbit hole, hmm?

You could say that. I can see it in your eyes. see it in your eyes. You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees because he is expecting to wake up. Ironically, this is not far from the truth. Do you believe in fate, Neu? No. Why not? Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life. I know exactly what you mean. Let me tell you why you're here. You're here because you know something. What you know you can't explain, but you feel it.

You felt it your entire life, that there's something wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I'm talking about? The Matrix. Do you want to know what it is? The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us.

Even now in this very room, you can see it when you look out your window or when you turn on your television. You can feel it when you go to work, when you go to church, when you pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth. What truth?

That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else, you were born into bondage, born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back.

You take the blue pill. The story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill. You stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes. Remember, all I'm offering is the truth, nothing more. And of course, what does he do? Neo takes the red pill, right?

He swallows the red pill! follow me so here I am sitting in a parking lot in the valley the night before my brain goes to a place it's never gone in my whole freaking life it decides to tell me that nothing is real

and the very next day like 11 hours later I'm sitting there and there's Morpheus, or whatever his name is, Mobius or Morpheus, or whatever I called him. I'm just like, what the fuck's going on, man? So, so, pretty, pretty wild, man. So I don't know if any of you are even hearing this podcast. I don't even know if this podcast is real.

I don't know what's what. I don't know what's happening. I'm just going to keep talking and, I guess assume this is getting out there into the world, into the universe, if there is a world, if there is a universe. I mean, what are we, man? Am I just a bunch of digital numbers and letters, just streaming together like in the matrix?

I'm just a moving, flowing code. My molecules just, am I digital? Am I a gas? Am I a liquid? Am I a fluid? What am I? Because none of it's real. None of it's real, Neo.

Or should I say, Harland? If that in fact is your real name. If, in fact, you even exist. Holy fuck. And on that note, let's get back to the Harland Highway 75th annual Thanksgiving Day parade. Well, thank you very much, Harlan. It's good to be back and things are just heating up here. I'm John Waters. I'm here with John starters and John. Things are really just getting going here at the 47th annual Harlem Highway. the Thanksgiving Day parade, John.

Yes, John. Getting started or just finishing before they started. What do you mean, John? Well, that first float was really a downer, and I can see... I hate to interrupt you, John, but it looks like our second float is now coming down the highway here,

and it looks like it's from the Blue Cross Workman's compensation people, And they always put together a good float. Oh, man, wow. Well, you know, last year's, if I could just interrupt, John, well, that's the second time you've interrupted. Can I get in here, John, because this float already is magnificent. It's a giant balloon, and it looks like it's a workman standing over a tool bench,

and it looks like he's holding a power saw. That's right, John, and what a wonderful float. What a great float to represent the Blue Cross and Workman's compensation. Well, not really at closer inspection. As this giant float gets closer, take a look at his left arm. Okay, John, and oh, man, wow. Do you see what I see as the old Christmas Carol goes? Well, it looks like, oh my God, it looks like that circular power saw.

Yeah, go ahead, say it. Well, it looks like he's cutting right through his forearm on his other arm. That's right. He's having a workman's comp accident. Now, we've got a giant float where children are watching, and it's a workman with a hard hat on. He's got a round circular saw, and he's cutting through a two by four, and carries right through and cuts his forearm off. I can see bone, I can see grizzle, I can see tissue. I mean, what can't I see, John? Well, now, you know, it is a little graphic, John, but let's keep in mind the people in Blue Cross

of the Workman's Compensation Company, they're trying to put across the message that safety comes first when you're on the job. Yes, well, you know what else comes first? Children and Night Terrors. Now, how many of the children at this parade who, who came down to see a goobbly gobbly turkey or a funny dunny clown, suddenly we're dealing with a godforsaken severed forearm with grizzle and bone splinters flying through the air.

I mean, this is not the type of thing children should be seeing. It's not really working, John. Well, now, oh, man, I mean, you want to talk about sending the message to be safe. I mean, this is like, you know, rocking a baby in a cradle with a piece of sailor's rope. I don't even know what that means, John. Well, oh, man, it's... No, I'm not letting this one get away. We've got a giant 70-foot float where a workman is severing his own forearm with a power saw.

Children are seeing the interior of the meat. They're seeing the bone. seeing the blood and the fat and the tissue, this is what causes children to have night terrors and get AIDS. Oh, man, what do you mean they get AIDS, John? Well, they get so scared they need to go into a dark alley, find a heroin needle, and slap it in their arm to get rid of the visions of terror they've seen.

And, of course, in the back alley, these needles are full of AIDS. Well, now, that's a bit of a generalization there, John, I don't think a float that's kind of a, you know, a precursor to a work accident is going to necessarily cause a young child to have AIDS. Well, look at those children down there. Do you see them? I sure do. Oh, man, wow.

Look at the rosy cheeks and the little smiles on their faces and the AIDS crawling all over them. No, John, I don't think they have AIDS. Well, they don't have them yet, but when they. slap those heroin needles, dirty heroin needles in their arms that they find laying on the ground up Whore Alley. Hoor Alley? You know what I mean where the whores go? Well, I don't think children will be running around in Whore Alley, John. Oh, really? Well, they will after they see a full-grown, 70-foot workman sever his arm off of the Black and Decker Power Saw. It's not really working.

The children have AIDS, there's whores, and there's arms everywhere. Oh, man, wow. Well, John, I think maybe you're reading a bit too much into it here today at the Thanksgiving Day parade. I mean, I think, you know, you just got to look at it for what it is. It's fun, but it's sending an important message of safety to be careful when you're on the job. You're working with power tools and things of the like. oh really and how about working with one of those automatic bids in the hospital that go up and down when you press the button because you're too weak to adjust the bid on your own because you're an AIDS child okay I think you got to get away from the AIDS here John well it's not really working suddenly what was a fun family event is now a brain crawling with hot piping steaming hot terriacchi AIDS

It's not really working, John. Well, let's go. Let's go to a break, and we'll get resituated here. John, get yourself together, and we'll let this float go on down the road. Straight into hell. And we'll be back with our final float for the Harland Highway 17th annual Thanksgiving Day parade. Not really working, John. Hello?

Hello? Yo, Harlow, what's up, man? This is Jules. Hey man, I just wanted to let you know that I became a licensed mental health counselor. I'm not somebody who, you know, I'm a second therapist. Back in the day when you started your podcast and I just knew you as funny dude, I started listening to you right off of that. I was going through a lot of shit.

shit. I always like psychology, but yeah, you know, I was one of those people that listened to you every time you threw something up there. And I was one of those people that got a lot out of it. Intellectually, I got a lot of catharsis out of your rumor. And I don't know. There's something deep and empathetic about you. But anyways, my man, I did it. And I did it. And I just, I just, I swear I use your jokes while I count the old kids. They break angry people. I'm one of those people that normally cites where they get stuff from. And if they're, you know, they have insight.

I'll let them know. Harlan Williams, check them out. But anyways, you're a fucking man. And I want everybody in your life to be all right right now. and um i don't know and as friends uh maybe this can help you feel better because i know you uh you're you got a heart for harmony and uh diamond force creativity you know what i'm saying all right peace too jewels jewels jewels so kind so very kind what a what a nice message um i appreciate the the wonderful compliments

and I appreciate that you get something out of this. And I appreciate that maybe it was a little bit of a help along the way or a little bit of an influence or a nudge or a pick-me-up or whatever the podcast and my words provided for you that was positive. Well, then that's good enough for me, man. and uh that's kind of outside of making myself laugh i think that's half the reason i do it if not all the reason is just to leave a little something behind you know um so that that warms my heart to hear that you uh you enjoyed it and got something out of it and thank you for thinking of me and saying

those kind words it definitely has an impact um so good a good on you, mate. And I guess likewise, I hope, you know, as I talked about earlier with The Matrix and what's real and what's not and the world we're living in right now and what we're going through, let's hope all of you are helping each other and putting out words of wisdom for each other and being that crutch for each other that we can lean on and trying to, you know, give off strength and give off words of strength, as opposed to going in the opposite direction. Sometimes it can be easy to sink down negatively or feel like you're floating backwards. But just be strong, think positive.

Just take the good stuff and let the bad stuff float away. Grab what you need that helps you and is good for you and absorb it, ingest it. use it as your fuel and let the bad stuff just float on by oh and speaking of floats i think i think we got to end the show with the final float uh i'm getting word from roger is the parade almost over yeah okay roger's in the booth and he's telling me that the harland highway thanksgiving day parade is coming to a close for another year and the final float is coming around the bend. So why don't we check in with John and John for the last time, see what kind of big finale they have there. And then we'll wrap up today's podcast and put a bow on it. All right, let's go back to you. John and John.

Take it away, guys. Well, thank you, Harlan. And what a wonderful tournament. out it is here. You can hear the crowd. Just full of enthusiasm down there. Oh, man. Wow. It's a rumbling and a tumbling down there. Wow. Man. John. Well, it's just, listen to the, it's just a rumbly and a tumbly. Thank you. We get it, John. I mean, just tumbling and a jumbling down there, the parade. John. I mean, have you ever heard such rumbly? And tumbling and tumbling. We get the rumbling and tumbling, John. So here we go, and we are down to our last float.

And thank goodness for that. This parade has been nothing but lemon after lemon. Now, John, let's not dump on the parade. I think you can tell by the crowd, they're having a great time. There's no sense of any lemon with this crowd. Well, when they get home and they peel their sweaty clothes off and they stand in front of the mirror and they see lemon grease all over their bodies,

they'll realize that this brain was one giant lemon and it's not really working, John. Well, tell that to the last float, John, because here it comes, and it looks like it's Stanley Robinson's Boneless Turkey Processing Factory, and they are closing it out with a bang. Well, I'd like to hear a bang. And when I say that, I mean,

I'd like to hear Lee Harvey Oswald step out of the balcony and put a bullet through this parade's head because it's really not working. Well, look down there. Here we go. You've heard of boneless chicken, haven't you, John? I sure have. I had it at Kentucky Fried Chicken just last week.

and there was more grease on my face than a baby seal dripping down the side of a building after it was hit by a Mack truck. Okay, John, I'm not sure what that means, but you've all heard of delicious boneless chicken, and today we have the boneless turkey ranch presenting the last float, and if you look at that, we have a giant turkey with no legs, but down on the ground we've got a, we must be three or four, dozen live turkeys coming down the street. Oh, man. Oh, wow. Well, take another look. Coming down the street or stumbling down the street. What do you mean, John? These turkeys are,

these turkeys are boneless. Okay. Look at them. They've got no bones in their legs. They've got no bones in their bodies. They're swirling and twirling down the street like jellyfish. Oh, Man, wow. They've got nothing to support their bodies. They've had the bones stripped out of their legs. Their necks are hanging down. They're stepping on their own faces. Their chests are scraping along the asphalt.

These poor animals have had the bones removed from their bodies. Shame on them for creating boneless turkeys. Oh, man. Wow, they really are. They're just tripping all over themselves and kind of flopping down the street like jellyfish. Oh, man, I haven't seen anything that sloppy since Grandma Waters cooked some sloppy joes and stuff amid our faces on Thanksgiving last year. Well, you know what? These turkeys, the poor animals, they're clucking, they're crying, they're dying, and whoever thought

of boneless chicken and boneless turkeys, but these poor animals are suffering and they are just flopping down the street like Vietnam veterans that fell out of their wheelchairs. Oh, man, talk about fumbledy bumbley. Oh, wow. That's right, John. And so once again, we close out this year's Thanksgiving, uh, Hollywood, Harland Highway parade with nothing but lemon juice and it's not really working, John. Well, you know, maybe those delicious turkeys will find a home and someone can eat them for Thanksgiving. Yeah, someone can eat them with a spoon because they look like they're made out of jello for crap sakes. Okay, well that'll wrap it up here at the 57th annual Harlan Highway Thanksgiving Day parade. I'm John Waters and I'm

John starters and it's not really working. All right, we hope you had a great time and until next year. Have a great Thanksgiving, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy lemon meringue pie, because this was a real lemon and it's not really working. Okay, John, I think we're done. Well, I'm not done. It's still not working. I know, but the flirts are gone. I think we're finished. Well, it really didn't work this year, did it? Well, I think it did. Well, I didn't think it. I didn't think. we're finished. Okay. Let's see you next year. Okay. Oh, man. Wow. Back to you, Harland. Okay. Thank you guys. Great stuff. And I think one of these years, we're going to get a parade where these guys are both on the same page and hopefully they love it.

But, you know, that's what color commentary is all about. You've got to call it as you see it. That's the way the pros do it. John Water, John Starter. And our thanks to the... them. They just, they're there year after year. They're a fixture here at the Harland Highway, and we appreciate their, their observations of this festive, festive event. I'm just glad we could do it. And why don't we close it out? Oh, let's go. How about this? How about a little can I sing a little song to you guys? baby we can talk all night but that ain't getting us nowhere I've told you everything I possibly care there's nothing left inside of me and baby you can cry all night

It'll never change the way that I feel. The snow is really piling up outside. I wish you wouldn't make me leave here. There you go. A little meatloaf. I just, you know, I just, that's the beauty of having your own podcast, right? You can just, I was like, you know what I, I feel like singing some meatloaf. You know, we're talking about turkey and meatloaf.

And so I just, I sang the first verse of a meatloaf song called 2 out of 3 ain't bad. It's like a breakup song and it's, I don't know, I guess I was feeling emotional. You know, now that I know everything's not real. At least my emotions are real, aren't they? And speaking of songs, you know, we got to do this. This is a Thanksgiving tradition here at the Harland Highway. We're going to close out with this. And before I go, though, before we close out officially,

I've got to give you one last announcement. If you like Thanksgiving stuff, please sign up. Once again, I'm going to urge you to sign up to my Patreon account where I have just posted a two-part Thanksgiving special episode of two guys in their underpants. Those are my two dolls. They look like Demented Ken dolls. And wait till you see what they've done.

I mean, these guys are putting out a thanks. Thanksgiving spread, unlike you've ever seen before. So if you like holiday specials, if you like Thanksgiving specials, the two guys in their underpants special is ridiculous. And again, just so you understand what it is, it's a video, it's like a little movie. I shoot little movies. Each part of the special is about, I guess, about nine minutes long.

And it's only at patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. That's patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. And you can go and watch this ridiculous stuff. And by the way, another good thing about Patreon, when I do my podcast now, they go up on Patreon first. They go on Patreon about a week ahead of when you guys get them. You guys still get them. But if you're just one of those people that need to hear something first,

the podcast is all part of the Patreon experience. So when you join my Patreon, you get videos, you get my podcast, you get my audiobooks, you get all kinds of stuff, man. And it's for a very small fee. You can try it, you can jump on, you pay the fee. It's five bucks a month, which is less than a McDonald's meal. And if you like what you're seeing and hearing and blah, blah, blah, you stay on. and if you don't like it, you just get off.

There's no tricks. There's no freaky sign-up stuff. You just click on and click off. And the people that are on it seem to really be loving it. And you heard at the beginning of the show, one of our listeners is just loving the hell out of two guys in their underpants. So check it out. It's all about making you guys laugh and having fun.

And you've got to see the Thanksgiving special, man. It is twisting. But enough said, enough advertising. Let's get to the final moment of the Thanksgiving special, the Harlan Highway Pagas. And we do this every Thanksgiving. We play the turkey song. And I hope you like it.

We'll shut it down with that. Hey, everybody, have a great Thanksgiving. We're going through a tough year. You have to dig a little deeper, look a little deeper, to find things to be thankful. but they're there. Just be thankful that you're safe, that you're alive, that your friends and family are alive,

and that the world's still turning, and even though we're going through a tough time, we're not flat on our asses. So let's give thanks and find things to give thanks. And just so, you know, I give thanks for all of you guys, for listening and all your kind words and your support, and just knowing you're out there. Okay?

So let's go through another year. Keep your chins up. positive. And let's do this. Roger, let's close it out with the turkey song. Happy Thanksgiving and chicken, or should I say, turkey chalemain, baby? Hit it, Rog. Come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, come, go. Turkey. Come, come, come, come, come, go. Give thanks.

The pilgrim and his bark, ro, roared to clammy and fry to eat turkey. Gawababab Gavw Gavw Gavw Gavw Gavw Gavw Gavokhurti Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavu Gavok Gavok Gavok Gavikikik Tewi The pilgrim at his feast Yung, young, young, eat a bird beast They call Turkey Come, come, come, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go go, go go, go go, go go, go go, go, go bo, go bo, go bo, go bo, go bo, go bo get back. Tequila club and their wives, slice, slice, slice it with their knife.

They part turkey. Gaba, go ahead. Gable, gipa, gable, gauva, gauva, gauva, gauva, gauva, gauva, gauva, gauva, gins thanks. Thank you.