The Harland Highway - The NEW Harland Highway #10 - Special guest CJ Sparxx - Sugar daddy's, dating, cosmetic surgery, fun!

Episode Date: June 7, 2022

Beauty Queen CJ Sparxx discusses cosmetic surgery, dating, mystical crystals, and the world of sugar daddy's! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, hey, hey, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. And before we get started, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you for tuning in. It's coming out of the gate here, the new podcast, and we're doing great. And wanted to thank all of you for jumping on board and watching. And while we're at it, if you can just subscribe, there's a little button over here on the side, or there might be one down below that says subscribe. And if you can subscribe, to the podcast right now, that would be a huge help and also tell your friends about the Harland Highway podcast. And one last thing before we get going, I'm featured on a great new digital platform. It's called Cameo. Camio.com. And how it works is you go to Camio and you request my name. And on Cameo, I can shoot a personal video for you or a loved one or for someone who's a fan. and basically I can go on the platform and wish you a happy birthday, happy anniversary, happy retirement,

happy engagement, or just say something silly and fun to cheer up you or a friend. It's a really fun platform, and what you do is you pay a small fee on cameo, and then they let me know, and you kind of write down what you want me to say, and we go from there, and then I record it and I send it to you,

your very own personal video recording for whatever event or occasion or just for the hell of it. So check it out, cameo.com, and maybe I can make a private little video just for you. No naughty stuff. So that's it. Don't forget, subscribe, Cameo,

and we got a great show for you today. So let's go. Let's have some fun here on the Harlan Highway. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway show. Harland Williams. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes. You are here on the Harlan Highway, the only place you want to be.

And a very special guest today. Mystery guest, gal-pal guest, beautiful woman, beautiful lady, beautiful girl, just represents all of female onity. That's even a word. Is that a word? I mean, it is now. Female onity. Female onity.

You represent, if there was a Mount Rushmore of female onity, it would just be four heads of you. Oh, I thought you were going to say, like, me and two others. No. No, there'd be no Cindy Crawford. There'd be no Heidi Kloom. Just be four heads of you, C.J. Sparks. That's a good compliment to kick it off. That's an incredible compliment.

I can't get my, I can't get my drink open. Oh, my God. Oh, wait, no, I figured out of it. Speaking of drinks, okay, we got, this is what we got to talk about right out of the gate. Because I asked CJ, said, do you want me to get you anything to drink when you, when you come up and do the Harland Highway podcast? And you were like, yeah, get me. And what's it called?

Cambocha. Kambucha. Yeah. Okay, I thought that was a Lion King character. What? No. Like, I thought kombucha was like one of the little buddies that the Tamba or Wingwom. I don't know.

Well, you know what I mean? Tamba or Wingwax? Tampon. You saw the Lion King once. I never saw. Okay. There you go. And it shows.

But isn't that that sound like a lot? If I go to the Lion King once. King play, you know there's going to be a character name, what's it called? Cambocha? Cambocha. I mean, okay, well, there might be now. The whole kombucha thing, it's such an L.A. thing. I'm so disturbed that you've never heard of kombucha. I know. I've never heard of it. It's a brand new word in my vocabulary. Please tell me what the hell it is, because it looks like

a bottle of cough syrup. It does. I know, especially this brand. I love it. It looks It is, so I'm just going to read the label here. It is a bubbly probiotic tea for a happy gut. I think that's like the best entrance any type of kombucha I can ever get. And it makes you like, it's healthy. I drink it instead of wine because I'm sober. Yeah. So like whenever anybody is like, oh, wants a fancy drink, I ask for kombucha.

Because I didn't know if you're going to like ask me if I wanted like alcohol or something. Yeah. Yeah. Although kombucha sounds like a booze. It can be. They have some, like at Whole Foods, they have some that's like a boozy kombucha. And then if you let it, okay, so the whole thing about kombucha and why it makes your your gut healthy is because there's like a thing in here called like,

God, is it another Lion King character? It's like, it might be, but there's like a mom in here living. Huh? Yeah. It's like, it's, where do they brew this stuff down at the crematorium? It's called like the mom. I've heard it called the mom or it's called also like the brain and it and then it ferments and so how do we make beer you know it like ferments over time or wine I don't

know if you would actually call wine like fermenting but yeah you're fermenting grapes yeah but in this case you're fermenting your mother yes yeah they call it like a because there's like a big piece where you put in and then it makes all the like little kombuchas you know what I mean so they call it like the mom or like the brain why am I picturing like Jeffrey Dahmer in a basement stirring a batch of this crap. Really? I don't know. I think it was more of like an alien where it's like the big mom alien.

Oh, yeah, the one that laid all the eggs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. And when you're drinking like the mom's alien eggs. And when you're drinking it, you go, leave me alone, you bitch. Right? Isn't that the famous? That's the famous alien lines.

Okay, so I haven't seen that. You haven't seen alien? I don't like scary movies. I'm like super scared of scary movies. Whoa. Yeah. I've seen the Lion King, but not the scary movies. Huh, maybe that could be an alien character.

But what was the other thing you said was in there pre? Probiotics. See, that just doesn't sound on a hot summer day after playing tag or, you know, or whatever people do, playing frisbee. Is that what you all do up here when you have a lot of land on a mountain? You play, you play tag. We can't do that down in West Hollywood. and I play tag with the homeless people.

Yeah. And they're the only ones playing. Yeah, they're chasing. Yeah. Got it. Got it. But it doesn't sound like a relaxing, like pool party or barbecue.

Yeah, give me some ribs and a big cold glass of probiotic. It is. It's so good for you. It is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It sounds too medical. It's like cool and refreshing. I mean, medical?

Like, what about, like a, I don't know, what does a beer sound like? beer sounds like brick, which makes you sound fat. Sounds like brick? I guess it's like you get fat or you have to go visit the doctor. You're saying like there's too much medical. It sounds very like. I think you're reading the health aid part. Yeah.

Just, yeah. We'll cover that. Yeah. Just think of it. But don't you find it weird? Because I got another one over here. I got another look at this. Cambuchin a can.

Is it? And it's strawberry. And I don't know. It says it's almost better. than the other kombucha. Should we try it? I mean, you can. I don't, I don't, I want my innards.

You don't want to try? I, it sounds like I should be in the emergency ward drinking like liquids out of one of those drip bags. Okay, Bill, okay, this one, okay, I have to, I have to say this one actually does not a little intense. It literally says billions with a bee. Billions of probiotics. I don't know, you might be turning me here because how can there be billions?

It's just one can. Yeah, I think I got, there's not even billions. of bubbles in a Coke. Oh, God. Watch a genie come out or something. Yeah, watch me get all like crazy. I take one sip and I'm like, wow. Whoa.

And? I like this one. You do? Is this nice? Is it better than the other one in the cough syrup bottle? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's see. Like, that's such a weird bottle.

It looks like bug killer should be in that bottle. This bottle. I feel like it should be like the X, like the X, like the, what do they call that old? Like pirate juice. Yeah. You feel like you should be floating on a boat. Moonshine. Yeah.

It's kind of like moonshine. Like you should drink, take a sip of that and then a possum walks across the top of the table. No, no, a tumbleweed. A tumbleweed blows across and then a possum. Somebody whistles, a cowboy on a horse appear. I mean, that is just a weird bottle. Again, I can't see relaxing in a lawn chair with a Vicks vaporub. bottle in my hand.

Yeah. I mean, yeah. I don't know. You're relaxing, you're relaxing in a lawn chair. What kind of a life do you lead? This sounds like a really. Pretty relaxed. Relaxing life. Pretty relaxed. Playing tag.

I love that. I love that. Frisbee. But, but see, this brings me to, now we got this stuff, coconut water. It's just coconut water. I know, but can we just roll back the wagon train a few hundred years? In a coconut water? No, like, like.

With pineapple, you can't do that 200 years ago. Well, that's what I. I'm saying when we were rolling across the prairies, you know, 150 years ago. I am not that old. Plastic surgery in L.A. is incredibly good. Not that old. I can't remember the Donner Party, okay? Shout out Dr. Omar. I'm a hundred some odd years old. He's looking me in my eye as if I'm going to go, yeah, yeah, I remember that, you know, yeah, the wagon trail, the axle breaking and everyone dying as a result of the measles. I know, but way back then, It's like, you know, they would travel across the Great Plains.

It would. And if they saw some crystal clear water bubbling up out of the ground, they would get down on all fours. That's all they needed. That's all they needed. And now we got coconut water and Lion King water and alien water and, you know, lima bean water from Jamaica and wigwam water from Alaska. And you're drinking the shit. You're drinking the brown water that even back in the days of the Oregon,

Oregon Trail, they would have never touched that even if they were near death. Yeah, you're right. This is pretty gnarly. But this is America, baby. Cheers. Cheers. But this is, this has been around for a long time. I feel like we're going in this direction.

There was illegal drugs in Coke, wasn't there? I think there was originally cocaine and Coke. Oh, God. But now it's like, what's the next liquid? Like I'm like we're getting so, I almost feel like this was the trendy thing. And now if you drink coconut water, you're frowned upon because you're not drinking the Lion King water. Really? No, no. Not at all. We should go out into public and drink it and see if anybody gives a shit. I don't think they will.

I just wonder what's next. Like praying mantis tears in a jar? I will absolutely drink the shit out of some praying mantis tears. You would? In a jar. Must be in a jar. In a jar. Must be in a jar. You will drink the shit out of praying mantis tears. Yes. Honestly, that sounds like magical. On a full moon, baby, with my crystals surrounding me and all of them.

Oh, you have crystals? Of course. Doesn't every good girl in L.A. have crystals? Wait, what do the crystals do? You don't need vitamin water if you got crystals. I need the vitamins. I need the crystals. I need, like, the yoga mat.

I need like this. Oh, wow. So you're doing the full-blown. Do you have a life coach? I have a therapist. Okay. Yeah. How often do you see the therapist?

Every Wednesday, baby. And I'll tell you one thing. Yeah. I came to a point where I thought I was doing real well. Yeah. I'd been traveling for three weeks and I was without my therapist because I was in different time zones. And by the third week, I was feeling real cocky, you know? I'm like, I don't really need a therapist.

I've got this life thing figured out. Yeah. And then I saw my ex-boyfriend at the gym. Oh, boy. We got a huge fight in the gym. With an ex-boyfriend? Yeah. What right does he have to fight with you if he's an ex?

I'm telling you. But it's kind of my fault because I allowed it. I know. West Hollywood on Sunset. All the beautiful game in that were in there, we're like, what's happening? Wow. Yeah, it was so embarrassing. They were probably more appalled that there was a straight couple.

That's probably what flipped them out. They probably. This still happens in West Hollywood. Yeah, what the hell are they doing here? Get the straights out of here. Somebody remove the straits, please. Clear the straits. Clear the straits.

They are. Somebody get them a kombucha. God, yeah. Someone put some poison in that water. Yeah. Wait, what was the fight about, though? He said I was actually talking about him too much on podcasts. So immediately I deemed Harlan after I'm like, get me on that podcast immediately.

All right. Well, let's talk about your other boyfriend, but not that one. Let's not even talk about it. Screw him. He's not worthy of this podcast. In fact, we don't want to talk about him on this podcast. He's got to earn his ass onto this podcast. That's right.

So I have a therapist. important part due to that guy, which we're very grateful for it. So I have the therapist. Right. And I told him, I was like, you know, I was getting real cocky. And then I went three weeks without seeing you. And I, it was happening on a Tuesday, Wednesday morning. I call it wellness. Wellness Wednesdays. We've got to dedicate at least one day to get in your mind, right? Because in L.A., let me tell you, and go haywire real fast. Yeah. To a weird place. To a weird place. Real fast. We sat here for 10 minutes and talked shit about kombucha. I think that is pretty much, we can get weird, fast around here. That's pretty good. That's right. That's what we're all really good at here.

We're good at. And so I got the, got to the therapist Wednesday morning and I'm like my, my, my, um, your importance in my life was renewed because I was getting very cocky. I was thinking I had it all handled. And then I went three weeks without seeing my therapist straight off the rails, baby, straight off the real. So we're back, we're re, um, our love for therapy is reignited. So you recalibrated. I sure did. Yeah. Oh, wow. And the, the crystals, They help. Do they just sit there or do they physically, do you touch them on your body? Do you crystallize yourself?

Yes, yes. My favorite thing to do, especially like when I'm traveling, I have like some travel crystals. Travel crystals. Wow. Or moon rocks. I have, yeah, and I have some sage that I take. Yeah. Like whenever I get in like a new hotel room, I'm like saging it.

Yeah. Yeah. Because there's like residual. So that's to get away like old bad energy. and stuff. Yeah. And murders and stuff. If you were at a motel six,

you probably want to cleanse the murders and the throat slashings. That's, yeah. Yeah. I just take plastic and put it on the sheets, but. No, you should take the plastic and put it on the sheets before you commit the murder. Oh, okay, okay, okay. You're one step ahead of me. That's right.

Pass the Jeffrey Dahmer water. The therapy is working, baby. Whoa, wow. Wait, so you go into a hotel room and you light the same. sage and you, is there a, is there a technique to it? Are you like a conductor? Do you just put it in a thing and let it smolder? You know, that's so good.

So you're actually not supposed to put it out. So I'll go to like the four corners of the room where I'm at and I'll try to, I mean, you don't have to like touch it. There's not like a certain way that I do it. Yeah. But I'll go to the four corners and I'll make sure that the sage kind of gets in. And then you're not supposed to put it out. You're supposed to set it down and let it burn out on its own.

But wait a minute. Isn't every hotel room across America? fixed with a smoke detector? Yeah, but I mean, like, you can open a window. So you've never set off a smoke detector? I have actually in my own apartment. They're like banging on there. What are you doing there?

Just getting rid of some murder ghosts, relax. I'm like, don't worry. We're all going to benefit from this guy. We all are going to get better from now on now that I've got the sage. Wow. And what does it stink like or smell like? I shouldn't say, I mean, it can be nasty or can be like, is it nice? You know, I've actually smelled some not-so-good sage.

I kind of feel like it might go bad a little bit. Yeah, it gets stale. Yeah, it gets a little stale. So with that being said, it just, the best way I can describe it is yesterday we walked past, I have my girlfriend and her husband are visiting. And so we walked past a store in Venice and it was like a Native American store. Yeah, yeah. And I smelled the sage and I'm like, this, it smells like how we were passing like a Native American store.

It smells like natural. It smells, you know, and. a store like that they have the crystals they have like the um like the leather goods and like the moccasins and everything yeah you know when you go into a natural store it smells like natural like the earth sometimes it's overwhelming sometimes it is overwhelming have you ever been in one of those stores where they make the homemade soap like that's all they do and you walk in and you literally feel like you just sucked on a chlorine tablet like your eyes start bleeding and you know the hair and your nose is running down the street.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, it's too much. You start sneezing. You start sneezing, you get shingles. Okay. You've grown psoriasis. You will. No syriasis.

I'll keep trying. You will. It's coming your way. It's coming your way. Okay. Not if I have the crystals. Well, we'll sage it off. We'll sage that psorias right off your hairy ass.

Straight out the door, baby. Okay. Can you sage a person? Yeah. You should stage a person. You should. I should. You should.

Absolutely. I should have brought some sage with me. So I should go out on the street and just walk up to someone and start whispering smoke around them. Yeah. And when they pull their gun, oh, oh. You're welcome. You're welcome.

You're welcome. Put that, kindly put that gun back in your pocket, sir. I'm doing you a favor. Yeah, I'm making you smell like a log cabin before you go for your meeting. Like the Native American store. You're welcome. Wow. Yeah.

Diffuses any situation. You just tell them you're welcome and they're kind of. So you believe. that in any room or building you go into there's there's spirits there's energy not necessarily spirits there's energy even if it's like good energy it's just somebody else's energy maybe i just don't want it and maybe if it's maybe it's like a super masculine energy so it's like it's that's for them i don't need that i'm good i have my own energy have you ever had at an energy where it was just like visceral like you started conducting your smog circle orchestra and it's a good song on

Get out. Like a voice or something. Like a get out? Or the couch started walking towards you or the windows started like something weird, supernatural. Let me think about that. I don't. Because that's sometimes there's that saying for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction. I feel if you start chasing spirits, what if spirit don't play that way, homie?

And spirit want to back you on up, player. That's right. Okay. Well, I was on a hike the other day, and my girlfriend did get a phone call that the next time she goes to the cemetery, that she needs to tell them just don't follow her home. So it's not my experience. This was, I'm a third-party experience. So that could have been the spirit saying, back up, homie. Wait, she goes to a graveyard.

She goes to a graveyard. And spirits follow her home? Intentionally. Okay, screw the stage. Because they don't know they're dead, I guess. At that point, I'm burning a three-hour fire log from. Ralph's. Yes.

Stir a flame, baby. Like, I'm cranking up two of them. So I get six hours. That's right. You know what? That's a great idea. I don't need a Hollywood ghost. I know.

I don't. Can you imagine they come in the house? They're like, what kind of coffee is this? Yeah. I need. It's just like a very pretentious ghost too. You're just like feeling bad about yourself.

Yeah. I don't need John Wayne's. Why are we watching on Netflix tonight, partner? Yeah. You're like, is this not good enough for you, John? I'm sorry. You're like being bullied by the ghost. You're like, this is not what I came for.

I just want a little excitement. But the crystal thing, though, and you're right, a lot of people, for those of you at home that are watching and don't, that don't speak L.A. That don't speak L.A. A lot of people are into crystals. And just so we're perfectly clear,

we're talking about actual crystals cut from rocks and pulled from caves and pulled out of dragon's assholes or wherever they get crystals. Yes, yes. Probably in an abusive way. out of the dragon's house. Probably. It's like a kidney stone. But what does the crystal represent you?

What does it do? I hear they like kind of push off energy as well. Well, I think even I was actually just trying to think right there how we even got on the subject. I think because I was going to tell you that the amethyst, the amethystle. That's the purple. That's the purple. Yeah.

Beautiful like my eyes. Yes, absolutely. Purpley and beautiful and sparkly and so crystally just like your eyes. Do you think maybe one day when we're sitting on the edge of a cliff writing poetry together, you could turn to me and say, I love you, Amis the styes. Yeah, I could do that. Does it have to be on the edge of a cliff, though? Well, you'll probably want to push me right after.

Yeah, I'm like, that doesn't sound. I mean, I feel like in that moment I wouldn't have any other choice. Yeah, and you don't seem like the relationship type. It's like I told them I loved them and now I'm done. Goodbye. Wait, what? Why do I not see that? I don't know.

That's what your boyfriend at the gym told me. No, I'm kidding. When it comes to him, yeah. We're not allowed to talk to him here. We are not talking about him. For sure, we're not talking about my ex-boyfriend who came unhinged at the gym. Yeah, we're not triggering another fight. We're not even mentioning Dan.

Nope. Name is definitely not Dan. Peter. Now, go back to the Crystal. So what do they do? like in your mind you've got them in your bedroom or wherever and what what are you feeling what's coming off of them that well they represent different things so sorry bless you child you have some more uh domer soup over there you got me excited talking talking finally um i just you know like

any woman i need you know you just got a takes time so yeah that being said um now that i'm warmed up So crystals represent different things, different crystals. Amethyst represents, it's like the sobriety stone. Okay. Kings and queens back in the day. That's what I have on my neck. Wait, this is an amethyst right now. Yeah.

I have, this is the AA symbol because I'm very active member of A. Okay. I love A.A. Three years sober now. Good for you. And thank you. We want to take time to acknowledge and congratulate. That's a huge accomplishment.

That's right. Another element of this town that is tough. Yeah. And strong people make it through. and good for you. I didn't even know that. You didn't, really? I didn't, yeah.

Just so people know, I assumed I was drunk right now. CJ and I met like about a month ago and we just had this kind of really fun energy. We met at a comedy club. I was going on stage. She was sitting there in the VIP booth. You were there with another comedian.

I was there with my boss, Max. Max. Max. He produces my podcast. Yeah. And by the way, we're going to plug your podcast later. And we just said,

let's do the podcast. together and I really I didn't look you up I don't know anything I just thought you're a fun energetic person and so here we are here we are we made it we made it look at that for us two L.A. people that said they were going to do something and they did it and she was on time by the way which rarely happens in an L.A. Yeah no traffic that's a big thing since I got sober I try to be more respectful of people's time I try to be more respectful of my time sometimes it works out sometimes it That's it. Yeah, yeah. We all try our best. Yeah. We try. Yeah.

Okay. So back to the, the crystal. So what are you feeling from it? Is there a palatable energy that you can feel? You almost walk through it. Well, okay. So I guess the best way to put it is, you know how you get, you're supposed to get eight hours of sleep. Eight hours of sleep. It's ideal. I wish. You can't always, yeah, relatable. But probably when you get a little bit more sleep, you feel a little bit of. better you feel a little bit more charged but you can function without the eight hours four or five or six or whatever yeah and so i feel like the crystal is just kind of like that extra hour asleep we don't really know you know what i mean like how much it helps us like there's no real way to track that but i feel

better when i have them around yeah yeah or when i see a crystal um and it kind of you know it might like come out of me jump out of me speak to me you know that's a real good way of putting it Yeah. To me. And so one thing that I really enjoy about this necklace, I had about 15 of my closest girlfriends. Fifteen of my closest girlfriends. See, there's good people here in L.A. y'all. Wow.

Get this, and they had this special made for me on my, it was like my one or two year anniversary. And amethyst is the, so purple back in the day, you know, with the tumbleweeds and the donner party. Yeah, yeah. And maybe even further back, Kinsu Kinsu, purple was the royal color. Right. And so the amethysts became protection for the kins. kings and queens they would make like wine goblets out of it yeah and then they thought that that would protect them from getting drunk so this is actually the stone of sobriety oh wow that's kind of just like

one crystal really you know there's thought to um be a lot of different healing properties and crystals i don't know why i'm talking a lot about native americans today that's okay there's the native americans they believed in that too yeah they have a lot of you know like with the different herbs and different things so this is all something really new for me i wish i had like a lot more information i could share this isn't really a christmas. podcast so that's all right probably not a big deal but so like rose quartz is good for love and then like tiger's eye is good for like clarity of the mind and like so yeah yeah yeah i didn't see i didn't realize they all had their own kind of properties yeah yeah they do that's kind of interesting how many crystals

do you have in your do you keep them in your bedroom i keep them on the um like where they can get sun so i have some of my bedroom but i also have some on my patio so they can get like um some of them are charged up by the sun. Right, right. I've heard that. And then sometimes you can also put them like in the salt water, like the ocean, and you can cleanse them. So like if I've had like a big party and maybe I want to cleanse my crystals, I would take them out into the ocean and have them washed in the saltwater and then they would

be cleansed. Wow, mystical. Yeah, it's so cool. Now would this be wrong and this isn't like a dirty thing, but if I got a nice big like amethyst crystal. but the size of a golf ball and put it in my underpants. Okay. Is that going to do anything for me?

Like, what am I getting? What are you getting? You'd have to do that and tell me. So we don't know. Nobody's jammed a crystal in their fruit of the looms. I mean, I thought you were going to say you were going to jam it somewhere else. Where? Where would he put the crystal?

Wait a minute. Into the cave? Are you talking? oh no the crystal ain't going in the cave wow those things are jagged i want to feel good not dead good night nellie frittato holy colon on the cop i didn't know you said a crystal in the shape of i'm like oh god where are we going well i'm just thinking if it's got that energy and it's rubbing up against the the baby maker maybe that's a maybe that's a good deal i bet you that there is a crystal for fertility um so women do have these things called yoni eggs

yonie eggs i think and they're can sometimes be made of crystal and it's two balls and you put them up inside your vagina and but it's just like for vagina strength so why would you need why would you need vagina strengths like you're hanging on the edge of a cliff and your vagina grabs the ledge and pulls you up i you what is going on why are you always on cliffs why do you live your life on cliffs i don't know i'm trying to think where i'd be in danger with a vagina. Okay, so apparently it's for, I mean, this is just being real incontinence. So if you, like, pee a little when you laugh or when you jump,

then that can help with strengthen your veg walls. Oh. And also for sex, duh. Oh. Yeah. But how can you have sex if the thing's in there? You suck it in with your vagina muscles. I've never thought about vaginas having muscles.

And now I'm wondering about what you were doing at the gym. Kegles. But could a vagina lip like slap someone? Not like a like a flipper on a on a seal? Like if someone got fresh at the movie theater, someone behind you was talking, could you turn around and slap them? Shut up, I'm watching the movie with a vagina lip.

I think that would be a wonderful use for a vagina lip. Like a flipper. Yes, absolutely. And you could swim with them. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. I will be packaged and sent discreetly. for free and fast.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Kind of like a stingray? Like, yeah, could they flap? I think that's a wonderful idea.

I've not seen it. Well, then maybe keep jamming the coogles. Yeah. Is that what they're called? No, I think the kegles. I think they'll come up. I think it strengthens them. So if they were long, now maybe it sucks them up.

So you wouldn't be able to do that. Wow. I believe that's scientifically proven, everyone. Write that down. You do enough exercises and you could have a stingray flapper. No, that's the opposite. You start out with a flapper. You exercise.

Oh. Scientifically proven. Wow. Well, that's the Marvel of Crystals. I want to go back a second to the praying mantises, though. Okay. Because I'm assuming, you're your kind person, but I'm assuming every now and then you have to kill a bug.

No. Like if there's a bug in your house, like a cockroach or a... I try not to. But you have. I don't live in a place that has cockroaches. But you have, right? I have in my lifetime. I have killed a bug, yes.

Because I'm thinking of all the bugs. people want to kill. The concept of a bug that prays, you've got to let that one live. Like if I see a praying mantis in the house and he's eating an English muffin or he's sitting on my toothbrush or something, and my first reaction is not in my house,

you googly-eyed freak. That's your first? And then all of a sudden he's there, our father who art in heaven, hallow it be thy name. But if you kill him, he goes to heaven. So you went either way. Well, that's true. Yeah.

You just put a really nice spin on it. You're welcome. So if I smash that praying bastard, he's going straight to the Lord. One way to get to the Lord. Take a crystal with you, buddy. So now I feel like a praying mantis is the only insect I feel okay, squishing. Absolutely. Squish him fast.

Our father, who are in heaven, boom. Right? Straight up. You're welcome. If you say you're welcome after a lot of different things. You'll get away with it. Are you cereal? Oh, yeah, yeah.

All right, well, we talked about this water. And, you know, a lot of this stuff is aimed at health. Yes. And I don't know. This is another L.A. thing. And I'm going to say it because I am so over this. Do you have a friend or has this happened to you where you sustain an injury? Like maybe one of your friends like blows their back out or they have a tick in their neck or they,

They blow out their ACLU or whatever it's called. And they go, oh, my God, I'm going in for surgery next week, and I got the best doctor. I mean, this guy works on the L.A. Rams, and this guy worked on, you know, Mike Tyson. You ever hear these stories? I always hear these people, somehow they get the most incredible doctor on planet Earth. and then they go in and four weeks later it's like yeah it's not uh so so now i got this new guy he works for the pittsburgh penguins and he's the best sports doctor have you run into this phenomena i haven't i don't run into people that like involuntarily go to the doctors i only know

people that voluntarily go to the plastic surgeon and voluntarily get surgeries oh yeah is that is that like weird no It's the best way to do it. It's weird when you involuntarily hurt yourself and you have to go see a doctor. I'm going to go see a doctor for fun. You do? Because I'm getting like new boobs or like gas injections or you are. You are or you have?

I have. Yeah. So going to the doctor should be fun. How can going to a doctor where they're opening up your body and injecting you and that's fun? Yeah. Yeah. So fun. Have you ever done it?

No. You got to do it. What do I need? Maybe you could get some Botox or something. Really? Yeah, just a little. Where do it? Where? Everybody has crow's eyes. So that's like the simplest. But see, I find the crow's eyes or weathered skin, and this is more of a guy thing probably. You guys are more fortunate. I feel like it tells a story. Okay. Like when I see a guy with like wrinkles on his eyes and he's kind of got that sandblasted, windblown face. I'm like, there's a guy that's been out wrestling muscox. Or there's a guy that, you know, traipsed across the tundra up in the Northwest Territories. Like, I feel like...

On the Oregon Trail. Yeah. Like, I feel like that's... Yeah, but notice... Notice. You're only saying this about men. Yeah, I am. I am. Exactly. You don't give a shit. Some lady walks up. She's got a shit ton of crow's feet. Yeah. You're like, what's your story, ma'am? You're just like, pass onto the next. Where's your daughter at? Right. I am. I know. It's not the nicest thing. But yeah, I think we want women to be softer and smoother.

Yeah. But for me, like when I see an old weathered guy, I look at that guy and go, that guy's... Respect. That guy's got a story like the Clint Eastwood wrinkles. You know, it's just like, I just finished wrestling an alligator down in the Amazon. Yeah. And now I'm going to Applebee's for Wing Night. Yeah.

And that makes sense. And it's like two-for-one beers. You're like, it makes sense that he has a million wrinkles. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, would you mind, like, while I do the Clint Eastwood eyes, would you mind, like, maybe just rifling off some Applebee's specials or something?

I worked at Applebee's for, like, a week. I don't know. You could just dip. Artichoke dip. Never-ending salsa. My name is Mary. Yeah. How can I take your, Mr. Clinton?

I'm such a big fan. Any specials tonight? Oh, yeah, you're so special. I love you because your eyes tell a story. I'm so scared. Any salads? Yeah. Our apple beef special salad?

I don't know any apple beast. But see how beautiful, like just even order a salad. It's like to have those crunchy, crackly eyes. Yeah. But your eyes, like you're like smooth and soft and beautiful. Botox to perfection, baby. Did you do it? Have you done Botox? Yeah, so much.

So much. But are you worried? Are you worried because it's like it's bacteria, right? It's poison. Isn't it like botulism or something? Yeah, I'm fine. And that element does it. But then again, you are drinking like a mango water or whatever.

They don't inject it in your eye. You're fine. It's your dermis. Yeah. But it could never like leak into your blood system and contaminate like. I mean, it probably could. Have you ever done any like cocaine or anything? Like if I sign, I've done, you've never done drugs.

Okay, well, I've done a lot. My body is fine. I'm going to be okay with a little Botox. You've done a lot of cocaine? Yeah, yeah. You still love cocaine and drinking. Really? Yeah.

Now it's crystals and kombucha, baby. Good for you. Good for you. That's probably not an easy thing to just shut off. You know, my program, going to the meetings and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's always really good to see somebody who's like just come off like a month-long bender and they're like, I hate myself.

I wish I never did this, and you're like, oh, thank God. I needed to hear this today. Thank God. I'll just go do Botox now and do that to my body instead of the cocaine and alcohol. But the Botox thing, do you have to chase it? Like, is it like every three months it starts to dial down? About every four months you have to do it. You do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so, like that's in perpetuity, like till you're 90, you're going to have to. And I don't get a facelift. Like, I want to get like a mini facelift. You do? Yeah, I do. I don't know that I'm going to authorize that. That's okay.

You don't have to get in line with the people that don't authorize all my surgeries. All of a fresh cob salad, a botoxed forehead. Give me a mini facelift on the side. Sprinkle it with crystals, you son of a bitch. Right? Right? How wild is that? I just told a story.

I love it. I love it. Was that like Grand Tarino? Yeah, Grand Tarino. It was like an Asian waitress. It's like Appleby, Tarino. Yeah, there you go. Perfect.

Well, I really love that for us. You love that for us. So you're doing all this Botox. You're doing these things to, you know, to enhance and build on the beauty you already have. But on that note, I got to ask you, being a beautiful woman, what is the toughest part of being a woman today? Like, just, is it the workforce? Is it dating? Is it, what would you say is the toughest part of being a woman today?

And today's weird tech world and... I actually think that right now is a really good time to be a woman. Okay. Because we're kind of like wild and out a little bit. Like, as a woman right now, we can kind of, like, we're not really under the microscope. Y'all are. Yeah. White men.

What is it? The heterose. cisgendered white male you know like you guys are kind of the one that have it hard right now say that again I'm gonna do the eyes say it again hetero cisgendered white male go ahead let me make your bed no you've already made your bed now you have to lie in it you've been right now you're kind of really your gender, your situation that you have going here. But let me, let me take what you just said and escrapolate on it if that's even a word. Yeah, I don't know if it is. It's probably not, but it sounded really good. You're a heterosis white male, so you can see that. Right. So how is that

affecting women and the way men approach women or the way men indirect? Is it hurting you in the dating world? Is it making men more standoff? Is it making, like? I think it, you know, here's the thing that I think everyone can relate with no matter where you're at. Dating is kind of tough. Dating is tough, especially as you get older, hopefully with time, you'll have your standards change. Hopefully, with time, you'll have a little bit better standards or you'll have kind of more things that you'll, that you're looking for and different things that you're not looking for. So yeah, dating is tough, But I think right now, I think it is a bit tougher to be a guy in dating because there is that huge thing of like, I'm an independent woman.

I make my own money. I can do everything for myself. So, you know, even a guy going to pull out your chair, you know, he might think twice about that or, oh, I don't want to offend her because somebody could come back and say, well, you don't think I can pull out my own chair. What's wrong with you? I can do it. You know, nothing's wrong with me.

And it's like, oh, I was. It's just like being a gentleman. It's so funny, the comedian-mey, when you said the guy pull out the chair, I pictured you going to sit down and the guy going, gotcha, and pulled the chair on, and you just fell. Fuck that, my God. I think that probably happened to me at some point. Yeah.

Yeah, but like, that was the comedian. No, that was just a regular guy. That was right. Do it regardless. Listen, don't try that if we're on a cliff, okay? I will get my vagina lips out and I will smack you, silence you, all the way down to the end, to your death. Not even a scream.

Wow, that was sloppy. But yeah, so I, dating is hard, no matter if you're a man or a woman. I think working, working is kind of tough, no matter if you're a man or a woman, things. There's so much expected from us, even as creators, you know, you're doing your comedy, you have a podcast, you probably are doing some movies or some skits or whatever and what have you. And you're kind of, if I think, it's probably safe to say that you probably still wake up every morning and you're like how can I you know continue to maintain my relevancy what more can I do how can I do more I don't

think we ever wake up especially in LA and say wow I feel so accomplished today I might just take the day off yeah yeah yeah so I think um it's tough for both men and women in that way I'm very much single I'm currently dating I speak really openly about this I'm on seeking arrangements I'm looking for you're on what arrangement seeking arrangements what's that it's not no how do you not know what cambucha was i didn't even know what cambucha was i thought it was a lion king seeking arrangements to me sounds like a campground okay so seeking arrangements so seeking arrangements is to cut to the chase it's on a site where you would presumably look for a sugar daddy a sugar daddy being a guy who...

A little mound typically with money. Money to burn, if you will. Yeah. So that's where I do my dating because... Really? Yeah. A little bit of gray in his hair. Maybe an open shirt.

Likes to eat at Applebee's. Is that what we're talking about here? You've got a lady doing the jet skiing or the... What is it? So you're very much... Water skiing. Very much for equal rights. You drive, she does the ski.

She drives, you do the ski. She hits the manatee, not me. What? Okay, so seeking arrangements, I got it. And is that worked? Does that lead to a fulfilling real relationship? Or is it just a barter system where everyone kind of knows their role? I provide you with female companionship, which could be just talking or physical or whatever.

yeah and you in turn provide me with gifts or financial stability i think like the way that i'm using it sometimes like sometimes i'll get like picked up in the headlines for you know it's kind of saying these outrageous things and um but really the way that i use it is there's so unfortunately there's so many kind of like posers in l-a people that kind of claim that they have it together you know they'll rent a really nice car for the weekend take you to a couple nice dinners oh it's all a facade and you kind of yeah and then you start to it's like every time you see that it's like something kind of comes out where you're like oh my god like are you what's am i even going out with like the person that you actually are yeah so what i really like about that site is

that it there is the beautiful thing about social media and the beautiful thing about online dating is you can the man can say um you know i'm looking for a woman that looks like this because typically i think we can all agree that men are more um men are more visual yeah you see a woman and you think, wow, she's so hot, I'd like to get with her. And then women, typically, we are a little bit more mentally stimulated, typically, not always, of course. And then also what women seek, and this has been ingrained in us for so many, you know, caveman times now is stability. And so financial stability, you don't have to, like, save me from a Tyrannosaurus Rex anymore. You know, what is, like the huge things that, what is it, like how many marriages end because of financial difficulty? So you

don't have to, like, save me from the Tyrannosaurus wrecks or, like, you know, hold me hostage in the cave because when you leave the cave, like, another caveman is going to come in, hit me over the head and drag me off. Yeah. So what is, like, our kind of, like, modern day equivalent of that is, like, making enough money so that I can stay home with my children and raise my kids and not have to worry about whether we eat dinner tonight or pay the light bill. Yeah.

So, I mean, that's a bit of an extreme example. Yeah. So, but that's the way that I use it. I've had, like, kind of some bad dating experiences in the past. like many men and women have had. So that's kind of the way that I prefer. I want to stay home with my kids. I want to hopefully homeschool my kids.

I want to have my kids in a pool in the middle of my living room. But do you have kids yet or that you're talking future kids? Yeah. Now with these sites, can you be kind of messing around with a number of men at the same time? Of course. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's what dating is.

I feel like that's super important for everybody to know. Yeah, that's true. necessarily sleeping and having sex with every one of them. I mean, some people do, you know, that's fine to each his own. That's not really how I practice things. But I'm absolutely dating multiple people. But I guess what I'm getting at is if you've got this arrangement with a sugar daddy or whatever he's called, does he feel like because he's shucking out the box,

he has a little bit of ownership. And if you go off with another sugar daddy, does that bend him out of shape? Again, that's like the really beautiful part of something like this is that hopefully when the two adults come together, the man lists kind of like, hey, this is what I'm looking for. The woman either agrees or says, you know what, I actually, for something like that, for example, the man can say, I'm going to give you this amount per month and you're going to be my girlfriend. You're going to be my part-time girlfriend. Really? So it's just, it's like there's a number. And then she can agree.

I mean, typically with most people, there's an number. You can negotiate a number. Yeah. Listen, marriage is a business. Like, yeah, marriage is a business, but this sounds more like a dating business. Dating, if you're dating, if you're dating to marry, that should kind of also, you know, shouldn't you be asking these serious questions before you get married in preparation for marriage? But are these men dating to get married?

Are they dating just so they can pay for a sidekick? It's both. There's men that are on there that are looking to get married. Yeah, I went out with people and they're like, I'm looking for somebody for longevity to potentially turn into marriage. And then there are men on there that I've gotten messages. It's like, where are you at right now? I'm like, I'm not a prostitute.

Like, you can't just order me up. Yeah. I'm still, like, I'm still looking for like a girlfriend experience. You can't just order me up and say, hey, I want to get you for an hour. But can you get that with this type of arrangement? Like, like, if it led to marriage, is there always in the back of your head? You're like, yeah, we got married, but it was kind of like through the payroll type of thing, you know? Does it take the romantic edge off of it?

I mean, it could if that's how you look at it, or it could put a really beautiful edge on it where you're like, I'm so grateful that I met this person on this site. I know exactly how to speak her love language. She knows exactly how to speak mine. We had a very upfront conversation, open, honest, probably sometimes uncomfortable conversation. But we had it together and we were able to build from there.

I mean, I think what I desire in my partner is somebody that wants, to take care of me that would like for me to be at home that would like for me to be you know making some food when he gets home that want that takes pride in something like that lasagna okay i can do that yeah got that but give me some lasagna woman here's 300 dollars that's an expensive lasagna wow i know i'm a super sugar daddy okay i'm a candy floss daddy is what i am no No, some of them they call them Splenda Daddies. Splendiddies. Splendiddies if it's like a lesser amount, you know.

How about Ross dressed for less daddy? How about that? How about that? How about that? I mean, listen, there's something for everyone on there. What I really, really appreciate about seeking arrangement? Seeking. I've never heard of this.

How have you never? I don't know. I'm a bit of a hermit. I didn't know. This is the internet, though. You can look at the site from the safety of your home. I didn't know. about it seeking what is it seeking arrangement seeking arrangement maybe they'll sponsor us just put it

right here sponsor us and sambuca or whatever the hell it is well that's fascinating yeah i just really like what i really like ultimately is um i enjoy the way the internet kind of brings things to the surface right because if you're cuts through all the BS yeah like if we let's just say we go on a date I'm like, sit, you know, I'm like not, this is a date right now. I've already said we're going to sit on the edge of the cliff. Okay. But like, you know, when you go on a date with somebody, when you go on the first few dates, they're on their very best behavior.

True, true. You don't really get to see, you know, you only know what they're telling you. Yeah. You don't get to see, you know, do my demons play well with this other persons. Very smart. If y'all's demons play well together, you can live a very happy, fulfilled life. Yeah. So that's what I appreciate it about.

It's not just seeking arrangements, but all of this, internet dating, you can cut to the chase super fast and say, okay, you know, do we want to continue to go together or are we good where we're at and we're going to go and I'm not disputing that, but does it in a sense cut out a little bit of the mystery and the enchantment? Does it kind of cut out the romance of wooing someone and finding, look, everybody has good and bad points. And if you cut right through it in the first three dates, it's like, so check, check. Check, check, check, check. Are you kind of stepping on the romance a little or no? I very much believe that you can still have romance. Okay. Even though you might maybe skip a few steps, I guess.

Yeah. I mean, if you think about it as a man, especially if you're spending a lot of money, wouldn't you rather your romance and your time even, especially somebody like you, your time that you can't get back, wouldn't you rather kind of have that assurance that, you know, we had a really frank discussion up front

on the first or the second date, and I'm assured now that we're in alignment, so I know that whatever I do with this person moving forward is actually like building a foundation. Right. Rather than like, I hope she likes the flowers, you know. Yeah, right, right. I guess one of the things I'm hung up on is the concept of negotiating a number. Like the idea of, like let's say you hit it off, you had all the chemistry in the world.

And even if you had met outside of the day. dating app you would have been like connecting but now you realize you like each other and she says hey I'm in for three grand a month right and he goes well what about two and a half grand a month and you're like well I just went up to four a month wow great negotiation skills this pretend woman has yeah but is it is it weird that when it comes to that moment do you have to negotiate it shouldn't be you want to know why because we're adults and if we're going to have an adult relationship, there will be so many more uncomfortable conversations. If you all can't get past that, then it's not going to go very far.

God, this is like the new, maybe this isn't the new frontier, but this is new, new for me. I don't think I've ever had this conversation with anybody. Okay. Well, now it's on tape so you can play it back. Yeah, it's very, very interesting. You know, and do you think this is sort of, again, an L.A. thing, or is this something that, are there people in the middle of Oklahoma right now sitting down and go, well, darling, I'll let you ride the John Deere for three grand a month.

And Daddy wants to roll around in the barn for two grand a week. You know, like, is that happening there? Is this just L.A.? Yeah, it's happening everywhere. It's happening everywhere. I think one of the first times I ever even discovered, like, that my girlfriend was dating a guy and that he was giving her money was when I lived in Sacramento. Wow.

Yeah. But is there ever a moment where, and I don't know if this has happened to you, where, you know, let's say you've been dating a guy for five months. And the first four months, it's la-di-da, you're loving it. And then in month five, he turns you and he goes, you know, I don't really think I got my three grand worth last month. Like that's what I'm scared of. Has that ever happened?

Like where a guy kind of felt like, you know, the first three months I had, two orgasms a day with you, and I've only had six the whole month, hey, I'm not getting my money's worth. Not that everything's based on sex, but that's just a... No, I mean, once again, that sounds like an uncomfortable conversation that probably needs to be had. I think, honestly, okay, so what I'm hearing from you is there's like a lot of hypothetical, like, fear-based situations happening.

Yeah. Where... You got a problem with that? Yeah. Keep it up and I'm going to knock you down to grant. So it's like, I guess how I would kind of classify this is in relationships, even where you're not paying somebody to, you know, be your girlfriend. Something like that could still arise.

Again, with the beautiful thing about where you guys kind of had that uncomfortable, maybe that negotiation in the very beginning, now in this situation, you might be a little bit more apt to actually bring up. that particular subject matter to her and say, hey, babe, you know, I was coming this much. Now I'm not. What gives? What's happening?

Whereas if you're in a typical relationship, you sweep it under the rug. You go to the strip club. You go to the OnlyFans. You see me. Hi, CJ. Take it off. Do something weird. That's cool.

I'm down for that. 40 bucks later. You got your vid. But you don't talk about it. And then your relationship suffers. So what would happen ideally in that situation is you'd already have that foundation where you're you know how this person is going to respond you've already had a few uncomfortable conversations and hopefully you can address it and you can move forward and maybe

she said oh my god baby i'm so sorry i've been doing this xyz my you're right my mind's been totally elsewhere i'm going to make it up to you and she makes it up to you or you say you know what like this isn't working for me i'm not going to be able to continue and then she says screw you i'm off and then you don't have to waste your money anymore and then you go and find a different girl that's more than happy to fulfill your needs i mean that's just dating 101, really. So would you say that this is a healthier, more productive way to date than traditional dating? There's some. There's a coldness to it, but there's a practicality to it. And the keyword you said a few minutes ago is time. Yeah. That seems to be the most valuable thing

that people have these days is that the time element. And I think even what you're seeing as cold is really just practical. Yeah, that's good be... Because there's not necessarily a warmth in like having to figure somebody out like a Rubik's Cube. Like you don't feel good about that. Yeah. You're constantly like riddled with anxiety.

You know, I don't know, does she like this? Is she going to like when I do it like this? And, you know, there's not necessarily like a warm, fuzzy feeling that goes along with it. I think it's just more familiar. Yeah. And it's not familiar when you're having these uncomfortable discussions. so it feels cold. Do you think the man, in any of your experiences,

can the man become a bit of a dominating person where because in the back of their head, they're like, look, I'm paying for this. I want to come home at 9 o'clock tonight. I want you and the school girl outfit or the teacher outfit, and I want us to make love for an hour, and then I want a steak dinner. Can there be any of that where a guy kind of feels like he kind of is

owning you a little bit? Well, I'll tell you one thing. In my experience, even when somebody isn't paying me to be their girlfriend or however you want to describe the seeking arrangements thing, I've still experienced that with people that aren't to do it. That's true. So I think that has more to do with somebody's personality. What I've experienced is that when somebody gives to me and takes care of me, they're very fulfilled by that. So then they don't kind of feel the need to like ante up, like, I need to get my money's worth or, whatever you know because if you think about it if you when you do things in a relationship that you wouldn't normally do things in a relationship you normally do them because they feel good

so you're still getting something out of it right you know and are you doing it now can I ask you you don't have to answer but are you are you am I doing it now am I dating on seeking arrangements yeah as I like if you got a guy in your life now that that is paying you to I am oh do I have a sugar daddy no yeah but you're seeking one I am actively I am actively looking And what's the ultimate good age range for you? What's a nice number? Okay, so I would not, I would like, and I just had a horrible experience with a guy that was like 41.

So is that too young or too old? Definitely wasn't the guy that I saw at the gym. Definitely wasn't that guy. Yeah, we don't talk about Gary. We don't talk about that guy. We don't talk about Gary. Yeah, exactly. So I, I'm hoping that if I'm dating like 45 to 65,

okay, because I'm 36, I'm going to be, I'm going to be 37 in August. So, you know, I want to have kids, though. So when the 65, that's, I don't know. Yeah. 65 is a little older to have kids. But also, if you're somebody, maybe you're somebody that works a lot and you can afford a nanny, then maybe 65 isn't that bad or you're in really good health.

So, I mean, it's just kind of depends. Okay. Depends. Depends. Depends. That's right. Going to work. Don't get up from your desk.

You have to work all. day, 12 hours a day. What about tattoos? Does that come into play? I know it's a bit, like all I ever hear from women is, oh, I got to have a guy with tattoos. What? No. You're not like that? No, I'd rather not. Oh, I hear so many women are like, oh, he's got to have tattoos. I love tattoos. I'm like, who gives a crap? Yeah, I don't really care. I don't really care what they look like. It's personality to me. Really? Come on. There's got to be. Fat, balding glasses. Yeah, for sure. But wait a minute. Let's say you're being, not to knock fat guys,

but you're being intimate with a man. And you got to lift the stomach to get to the pinata. Well, is that attractive? That's a little much. Yeah. Like you don't want muffin top fallacious. What? Fat guys eat good pussy.

They do? Yeah, they're happy to be there. A lot of calories in this right here. What? Excuse me while I guzzle. Wow. I think that's the name of my new self-help book. Fat guys eat good pussy.

I want to get one just to feel that. What? Like I might go under the knife and get a permanent fat suit. Put a, get a pussy put on and go get me a fatty. I can, I can give you. You do the, give you your information to the right. I want to get, I want to get a, of the Gigi and then seduce me a fatty just to feel them go to town.

Uh-huh, uh-huh. And then I'll do that for about a month. Okay. And then I'll get, I'll have them put my thing in the freezer. Right, right. And then I'll get it slapped back on. But you got my wheels turning. I want to feel a fat guy eating me out.

There you go. I love that for you. I support your decision. On your knees, citizen. There's work to be done. A fat old guy, maybe, with a lot of... Go ahead, suck my muffin top. Yeah, I support that.

You support a good muffin top suck. Yeah, whatever you need. All right, on that note, we are going to cut away from a minute here. We're going to catch our breath. We're going to take a look at this week's hand-drawn t-shirts by yours truly. So let's have a look, and we'll be right back. with C.J. Sugar Daddy Spark right after this.

Oh yeah, here we go. Time for another hand-drawn shirt by yours truly. And if you don't know, I draw my own t-shirts. I take Sharpie markers and I draw directly on the t-shirt. And if this shirt's still available, you can own it at harbling.com. So let's go ahead and reveal it. this week's hand-drawn harlot t-shirt okay here we are with this week's hand-drawn t-shirts by yours truly and this first t-shirt's called close encounters of the weed kind and this was kind of inspired

by the notion that aliens always seem to come and land in our fields and do crop circles So I thought, what if they landed in a field of marijuana plants and would they have a little partay? And this shirt, by the way, is in a 3X. I've had requests to have a few 3X shirts made. So that's the first shirt. And then the second one's kind of more of a graphic design. It's a rhinoceros.

I love rhinoceroses. And I thought I'd do this guy with kind of this graphic feel using all these like black lines and kind of making them look really kind of cool and weird um so that's the rhinoceros and right there is close encounters of the weed kind and if these shirts are sold out if the originals are gone once you get to the site harbling.com you can always order a print for a fraction of the cost and so there you go that's this week's hand-drawn t-shirts by Yours truly. All right, we are back.

We are back with C.J. Sparks. C.J. Sparks in the park. We all love C.J. Sparks. And I'm doing the sage thing. Yeah. I'm saging me some sparks. I love it. Do you see the sparks coming off?

I do. They're so magical. I'm saging your sweet, hairy Armenian ass. Are you Armenian? I'm not Armenian, but that's okay. Well, this is my podcast. I know you are. That's right.

That's right. You're in charge. I'm the sugar daddy. So we're talking about dating and we're talking about all kinds, but there's a new element coming to town. And it's called AI. And I think it's going to be pretty soon when men and women are going to be able to select an automated robotic partner that's capable of articulating and And pleasuring and all that stuff, would you ever entertain living in a place where you would replace a biological human for a full functioning AI robot that could not only physically pleasure you, but could also, you know, stimulate you with conversation and intelligence and all that? No.

No. No. Even if it was like so real, it was sort of freaky. You could tell. You'd want the real. I just wouldn't, yeah. I mean, you know, talk about like cold, cold exchange, you know. Yeah, but what if they, I guess where I'm going is what if they made it so real

and the artificial intelligence, because they say a lot of artificial intelligence can actually start to learn. Yeah. And it learns from its environment and from people it's with. What if it could be so huge? humanistic that you almost couldn't tell. I would really love to have, like, an AI work for me. I wouldn't want to, like, spend my, spend, like, in a lot of time or, like, cultivate a

relationship. Get emotionally attached. No, that just. I wonder if it's possible. Oh, I'm sure it's possible. I'm sure. If we can, I mean, like, you know, we get attached to, like, books, like a, book series. Yeah, you're right.

I'm still attached to my Teddy Ruckspin. Yeah. I had a big blowout with them last night. Really? playing with my Pillsbury Do Boy doll, and Teddy came and goes, what the fuck are you doing? I said, he's just a little soft, you know, but. I thought you said he got you jerking off. Oh, gosh.

I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm sorry. Too soon. Not only too soon, like. Too soon. Way too soon. Like before Christ, too soon.

Okay. Too soon BC over here. Okay. Like before Lord's Savior, Holy Lamb of the host was even born too soon. We can only talk about flapping vagina lips. No jerking off, okay. Sorry, didn't know it was a kid show. A kid show with,

Hi, I'm Flappy, the Stingray. Hi, kids. You want to go for a ride into the pink ocean? No, Liz, I'm going to tell you something. Yeah. You know what I just found out today? Oh, what? My trainer told me, so for sure, it's facts.

We only plant the male plants, and that's why we have allergies. Because you know there's female and male plants. Yeah, yeah, of course. We only plant the male plants, and that is why we have allergies. So it would make sense, we can only make fun of the female anatomy, but never the all-important penis ever. Okay. I'm giving you the authority.

right now to make fun of the penis go that would be the patriarchy they have to give us permission to make fun of the penis oh hell no oh hell no and i want to make fun of a penis i'm going to make fun of a penis i don't need anyone telling me i can or can that's right damn it damn it damn it I can't decide. I can't decide if I'd give like a robotic partner a chance. There's something exciting about because they're getting so good with this stuff. Part of me is like I'm attracted to the idea of maybe getting emotional and locked into it, but I'm also, it's like when you get a new cell phone or you drive a Tesla, you're like, I'm attracted to the technology. It's kind of fascinating.

and weird to the touch. And I'm stimulated by it, not in a physical or a sensual way. Right. And so I don't know if that would be part of it too. Yeah. But I think this is the world where the doors are opening and we're going in this direction. I think if we fast forward 15 years from now and do this podcast, it's like we might be sitting here with your robotic partner, you know, it's pretty wild.

Yeah, I mean, that scares me a little bit to be honest. honest, but I definitely know that, like, we have the whole Web 3 going and NFTs and the crypto and all that. I'm definitely still learning about that. I'm by no means type of an expert. I have a girlfriend who's really into it. Did you say the Web 3? Yeah.

See, again, a new term. What is Web 3? I don't even know about Web 2. What the fuck's Web 3? Web 2 is what we're on now. Oh, what happened to Web 1? Now, Web 1 was dial-up. Oh, it's like baby wookies.

Yeah. I always felt like I caught Chewbacca in the bathtub. Like, yeah. Yeah, that's a good likeness. So that was that and then Web 2, which is what we're doing now. That's what we're doing now. So what, pray tell is Web 3? I don't know exactly how to explain Web 3.

I just know that it is going to be kind of like, from what I understand, it's going to be kind of the elites that are on there to start with only certain people that are going to have access. It's going to be like a VIP experience for a little while. And then the rest of the world, some of the poor countries or the people that just don't have the access for whatever reason are going to be still doing the web two while, you know, the elite so for sure you'll be there in the web three and um i will be on the outside uh i'm already on the web five thank you very much and um and then so that will be you know

maybe like a more i know like the metaverse is going to be on there and like all i'm really not explaining it very well yeah i should probably just stop but i do know there's like a web three happening yeah wow see i'm i'm i didn't even know about that i didn't even know we're on web two We are. We're on Web 2. Remember the good old days when you just sit on your front porch and watch a spider spin a web while you're drinking a glass of lemonade and go, oh, look at that. There's Web 1 right there. That's right. That was the very first web right there.

Oh, but Goddammed, if there's ever a Web 3, and now here we are. And here we are, yeah. And not in that, like, long of the time span, either. I know. Yeah. And then I've heard of this thing, the Dark Web, where you can get drugs, and I don't even Even know what. Kidneys, for sure, you can get kidneys.

Have you physically, like, I wouldn't even know how to get. Like, what do you type in dark web.org? Like, how do you get there? Like, how do you even get there? No idea. Good. Maybe we don't want to know. Maybe we don't want to know.

Okay, we've had a very kind of linear conversation about things here. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we go off the grid where we don't know what's coming. And what we do is we do words from a wooden shoe. See, Jay, how this works is there's just random words in the shoe, and you reach in and pull one out. Where did you get this shoe? This shoe is from Holland. This is actually a real shoe from Holland.

You put it in your suitcase and you brought it from the Holland? No, here's what happened. I was doing a number of years back, I was doing the David Letterman show, and they usually booked you a few months in advance back in the day. And I always used to mess with Dave when I'd go on his show. I'd bring, sometimes I'd go out with a purse or I'd, one time I put peanut butter all over my boots. Like, I always did something to mess with Dave.

And a friend of mine was going to Holland, like about a month before I was supposed to do the Letterman show. And I said, well, you do me a favor. When you're there, buy me a size 10 and a half pair of authentic wooden Holland clogs. And she did, and she brought them back. And so when I went on Letterman, I wore this beautiful, like, really expensive, like purple velvet suit and I came strutting out and I looked really good and I had these stupid wooden clogs on my feet and I crossed my leg so Dave was sitting here and so here's me just kind of wiggling my

foot and Dave just goes Harland appears you have wooden footwear on your feet and that just kind of set it off you know like so that's the story of the wooden shoe that's such a good friend because that's like a lot of expensive that's expensive real estate in a super She was beautiful, my friend Laura, and she was so nice to do it. And so what happens is we have a bunch of words in here. And when you take it out, it's not word association. Like if it's like dog, you go cat. It's like you look at the word and you think of something in your life that relates to the word or a story or something or a memory.

Oh, God, I'm scared. And it's just random. And the reason I'm doing it's because I don't want you to think. Like, let's just see what happens. So pull a word from a wooden shim. You, C.J. I'm just looking for a word that's speaking. Yeah, let it feel it.

Like you get the crystals going. Feel the crystals. And then when you think you have it, read it out loud. Okay. Oh, for Christ's sake, corn on the cob. Why? What? All right.

Is there a story? Is there? I mean, there's this, I guess, kind of. Okay, here we go. The corn on the cob story. When I was growing up, I grew up in a town called California. I have one corn story for you.

See, that's the beauty of words from a wooden shoe. One special corn story. We, it's like a country town, so it's super country. Where is it? It's up in Norcau. Northern California, ladies and gentlemen. Northern California. More California lingo.

Yes, exactly. And it's a town in between Sacramento and Stockton, just to give a little context. It's a very country. little town. Good. I love it. You were born and raised there? Yeah. Yeah. Great. Beautiful. I was born in Sacramento and then I was my parents divorce and then we went to this town called Galt. And we actually went into an even smaller town inside of that town called Harold. And so it was so tiny. We had like, you know, there was like a lot of lifted trucks with mud flaps and we go mudden and like a lot of Confederate flags. Oh, cool. This is California. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay, interesting. Played on the railroad tracks. Oh, I love that. Real country girl. Yes. Oh, beautiful. We had a mud volleyball king and queen. Like that's, yes.

Oh, boy. We got us a cone on the cob store coming down the pipe now. Oh, I guarantee we got us a cone on the cob story. Them crystals did the right thing now. They opened up a portal. But so this just makes me think of like when I was very young. And we were drinking, that's, I mean, you know, that's what you did in these towns that you, like, didn't have anything to do. It was like you'd drink the, you know, the butt ice or you'd shoot the meth or whatever, how you ever do that.

So you probably started drinking at a young age, right? Yeah, I started drinking at a super young age. Like what? I think like 12, 13. 12. Yeah. That's a young and young and young drunkie right there. Yeah, and I didn't like it at first.

And playing on the railroad tracks to boot. Yeah, exactly. Not only on the railroad tracks, but jacked out of their hands. What's that whistling noise? I don't know. Let's keep playing. It was, that was, were you there? That was verbatim how that was going.

Okay. And so we would throw these parties out on a street in a, like a country street. And we would drink and in the party in the middle of these like two cornfields. So it has to do with cornfields. I love it. I guess not corn on the cob. But no, the corn was on the cob, on the stock in the corn fields. Yes.

And so we would like, you know, kids would like go out in the cornfields and have. have sex. Wait, what now? Yeah, it was like, we'd get the, wait, what now? I like that. Horny words from a wooden shoe. Wow. Thank you, my friend, who picked up this shoe.

And it just reminds me of like this one night when we were partying and I was sitting on like the tail, the tailgating when we had the keg. And we were all partying. We're like, woo. You know, and like this big, huge, big, huge, huge, huge tractor, trailer thing is coming by. And it's like, I don't know if it was cutting the corn or planting the corn or what, I don't know what was happening. Okay. But it was massive, like a house and the lights, yeah, like one of those big ones.

Oh, yeah. Super huge. The big harvester. Yes, it was like a harvester or something. Yeah. And we were like, drunk, we're like, whew, screaming. And then all of a sudden we're like, you know, where, we're so and so and so. And so, and I don't know who it was.

It was like some young couple. We're like, ah, like, we're like calling and looking for it. We're all wasted. Right. They come out of the cornfields and we're like, wow! And they were like cheersing. The person driving the John Deere situation was like, what's happening? I think you might even said, you know, kids better get home.

And we were like, fuck, yeah. Get the hell out of my corn, you fornicating freaks. Yeah, exactly. Take you, you get your cob out of that hole and put my cob down, you dirty teenage hornsters. It was, it was you driving it. It was me, it was me, yeah. Old gray stoke. And yeah, so like that's my part of the cob story.

I love it. See, that's what I was hoping because it brought up all those memories of your childhood. And believe it or not, you know, city kids are probably. very envious of a story like that because, you know, as kind of country hickish as it sounds, there's a real romanticism that I think city people have for fields and cornfields. There's a mystique about them that just kind of reeks of innocent and that kind of country, beautiful country girl or that, that cool cowboy or whatever. And so just to hear a story that that's where you guys were kind of forced to make your

playground and sow your wild oats. There's a real beauty and an innocence to that. And I feel like I got to share a story because it's one of my favorite stories from my childhood regarding a cornfield. Oh, God. And I'll share it. So my dad's a pretty stoic guy. He's not a guy that easily laughs. But when he does, he always laughed at the weirdest things, like really obscure, like really oddball things. Like, Like if a robin dropped an egg out of a nest, my dad would just bust a gutter. You know what I mean? So we used to have this cottage up in northern Ontario.

I grew up in Toronto. And so we'd have to drive through the country to get up to the cottage. It was quite a long drive and we'd go through, you know, cornfields and strawberry fields and things like that. And a lot of these places, when harvest season hit, when we'd be driving home, they'd have signs out, picked your own corn. Oh, that's okay. And it was really cool for city folks that were kind of just passing through. So every year, my dad would pull over, and I had four sisters and my mom, and so there

was a big mob of us, and we'd get out and we'd go into these fields, and we'd pick corn. So one day we got it, it was never the same place, and one day we got to this classic place, giant corn fields and then at the end of the dirt road went right up the middle and at the end of the road was a classic farmhouse you know with the porch and everything and so there's the sign at the end of the road come in pick your own corn so we're walking up the this dirt road to get to the house so we can check in and all of a sudden from out in the middle of the corn like you know how deep those rows of corn on they go they're like oceans and out in the middle of the corn And all we hear is, hey, Larry.

Like, some guy just yelling, hey, Larry. And for some reason, my dad lost it. Like, he just, I guess the concept of someone in the middle of corn looking for a guy named Larry. And the guy yelled at it about four or five times. He's like, hey, Larry. And my dad was just like, and we were just looking at him. We want to get back in the car, Daddy. You're not well.

You're not well, daddy. God. And on that, no, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to clam on out of the cornfield. But before we go, C.J. Sparks, please tell everyone who's watching today where they can find you, where they can catch your podcast, anything you want to plug or say to the good folks. Yeah. I just want to say thank you to my inside only fans, podcast producer Max, Max. Max I have so much love for him.

He was the comedian that I was seeing the night that we met. He's great. He's the best. Anyone I ever meet has nothing but the best things to say about him. Good, yes. And the more time that I spend around him, the more time I understand why. He's such a good guy. And I feel like I really get these opportunities because I have the podcast, the Inside Only Fans podcast.

That's the name of your podcast? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Inside Only. So please check that out on Instagram. Even if you don't know what OnlyFans is, which I'm assuming you don't. um i recently sort of found out but okay but and it's on youtube as well yeah there's little snippets of it

on youtube okay um you can listen to the whole thing on Spotify um iTunes Apple all that good stuff um great and it's it's just funny it's like this you know maybe somebody probably nobody will know who I am which is completely fine but maybe something was said that they could relate to or maybe something was said that was completely shocking and they're just like oh my god that was so interesting shocking but also interesting it's like that good good you're very honest which is refreshing it's nice to see you not like you even said your age out loud which to me i don't see why people are but you're just totally open and i think uh people will appreciate that and if that's part of what you're broadcasting i think that's worth tuning into because we sure had a good time here today in

the old cornfield right we love we love a cornfield yeah but we have um other only founds performers that come on. A lot of the people do porn, but some don't. So it's like a full spectrum of people and performers and creators that come on that we talk. It's funny. It's really similar to this. It's funny. You get to talk about some relatable topics and some not so relatable topics at the end of the days. Everybody wants to feel like they can relate to something, but also it's really cool to talk about things that you've never heard of before or you've never got the chance to kind of hear that it's kind of like being backstage. You know, when you have somebody backstage, we don't know what's going to happen.

there, but you say, oh, I'm going to take you backstage. Oh, what are we going to do back? Immediately, you know, there's that intrigue. So that's kind of what the inside only fans is, is like the backstage VIP pass to these different performers. A lot of people that you see on Instagram, both men and women. So I just want to say thank you to Max for that. And that was the reason why I got to meet you.

So I'm really grateful for that. And I do do the only fans thing. So if you'd like to see me naked, you can find me on OnlyFans. Okay. Only fans. CJ Sparks fans. Yeah, S-P-A-R-X-X fans. Okay.

Just two X's. And if you want to see me naked for free, there's a little piece of roast beef for you before we go. There it is. That's right. Well, Love, thank you for being here. Thank you. And before we go, would you mind just before we say goodnight,

give me a, hey, Larry? Hey, hey, Larry. Is that actually what a Hey, Larry is? Like the guy who screamed it in the cornfield. Oh, Larry! Hey, Larry! And that's it for today. Thank you for being here on the Harlan Highway podcast.

Check out CJ Sparks, and thank you for being here. And until next time, chicken chau main, baby.