The Harland Highway - The NEW HARLAND HIGHWAY #4

Episode Date: April 30, 2022

Lame security systems, Elon Musk buys Twitter, Grass fed beef, Food delivery services. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Hey, everybody, here we go. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. And, yeah, I know how it works. Before I get started, we got to throw a little meat around. You'll stay for the first 30 seconds, but if I don't do a little

bit of this yeah undo that top button just get a little throw a little bit of meat around maybe we'll do one more just throw a little bit of fresh beef around this is what keeps you here it ain't this And it ain't this, it's this. The hot sizzling, orange chicken, Korean sizzling beef, Mongolian, bean sprout, thunder junk. Or whatever you call it, but it's here. It's here, and I got you locked. You're like an owl sitting in a pine tree,

staring at a mouse in the last seconds of its stupid cheese-eaten life. all because of this, you come for the meat, you stay for the treat. I don't even know what I'm talking about. But welcome to the Harland Highway. We got a lot to get to today. First of all, I don't know if you're a Twitter nut or a Twitter freak, but this Elon Musk guy, he just bought Twitter for 44. I think you know the number.

Do you know what I'm going to put on the end of the 44? Am I going to put $44? No. Am I going to put $44,000? No. Am I going to put $44 million? No. How about $44 billion with a B?

$44 billion for Twitter, which is basically a social media platform for people to gossip on, and act like braddy school kids and call each other names and report the news. And by the way, I'm on Twitter. No, I'm not on Twitter. But I might get on Twitter and put up a Harland Highway podcast Twitter so y'all can, you know, do everything I just said with each other. But, yeah, so he buys this digital platform like he needs anything else.

I mean, he's on his way to him. Mars, gang. This guy's like starting to develop Mars. He's got the rockets, he's got the plans, he's got the infrastructure blueprints. I mean, this guy wants to colonize Mars.

This guy wants to take the human race to another planet to live and he's worried about people chit-chatting on Twitter. Hey, the Kardashians got into a car crash today. Hey, this guy took some

pills. Oh, Johnny Depp, oh, you know, what the hell? Maybe stay focused there, musk. What a weird name, musk. I mean, the connotations for musk, I mean, there's the musk, you know, sometimes when you smell something, it can have a pleasant musk, or it can be a, you know, like if you smell an old cow or a musk ox or a goat or a dirty carpet or a moldy old ladies bingo hall. Oh, I think I just breathed in some psoriasis flakes. I mean, it can get musky in there. So it's an odd name. And there's a giant rodent, an aquatic rodent called the Musk Rat,

which I don't know if you've ever seen one, but they look like baby bee. beavers that haven't really developed yet. They're like imbred beavers. They're not quite as big, but they still got the yellow Donnie Osmond go for teeth. I'll tell you that. But I digress. So listen, $44 billion.

Do most of you have $1,000, $5,000, $10,000 sitting in a savings account somewhere and an investment somewhere? to comprehend that another human being walking around on the planet can throw around $44 billion. And I don't know this for sure, but I thought I read he paid for it in cash. Does anybody pay for anything in cash? And does anything pay for anything in cash?

How much? Oh, $44 billion? Yeah, okay. 44 billion. Okay, can I, can I, can I, Like if you want 20s or tens or ones and fives, okay, why am I making that noise? Why am I going? I'm like Hannibal Lecter.

Would you like me to tweet you, Clarice? But let me put this in perspective for you, okay, the billion thing, because I don't think you're really grasping it. I think you're still a bit focused on the fresh sizzling beef. So let me pull up some stats, some info that I got from the Google. Yours truly went on the Google with his little koala fingers. I got my little koala fingers and I went on the Google and I got some data. I got some data from the Google with my koala fingers.

Those are koala calls and I know all you Ozzy's watching. I already know that. And whatever I just said, I apologize. But let me put these things on, which I hate, my peepers, and let me help you put into perspective the concept of $1 billion, let alone $44 billion. Here we go. Are you ready to comprehend this? How tall is a stack of $1 billion?

dollars. You want to guess how high a stack of $1 billion dollar bills goes? What do you say? 500 feet, half a mile, three miles, 10 miles, 67.9 miles. Okay? That's the same distance from your house to the boarding school you went to as a kid and got fingered. All right. Let's do. Let's keep going. How much would that look like? If you stacked that money, if you stacked a billion dollars, what would it look like? How high would a billion dollars be? If stacked, one billion in $100 bills would be 10,000 feet tall.

Okay? 10,000 feet tall. Now imagine 10,000 Eiffel Towers. stacked on top of each other. And if you don't know what the Eiffel towers are, I don't know why I'm doing a British voice because it's in France. Le Tower Eiffel is in France.

It's a beautiful tower that stretches high into the sky. It is a tourist landmark. It is a cultural landmark. The Eiffel Tower. I have been there. I have stood on the Eiffel Tower. In fact, I glued a pair of cowboy boots to the Eiffel Tower.

And if you don't believe me, I did it. I was there in 1990, and I'm stepping away, because this is a funny story. I went to the Eiffel Tower back in 1989, okay? And I wanted to leave my mark on the Eiffel Tower. I'm like, it's iconic, so how can I be iconic on top of iconic, even though I'm sort of moronic? So here's what I did. I used to wear cowboy boots back in those days.

Everywhere I went, I wore black cowboy boots. I thought I was Bon Jovi. I thought I was, you know, Johnny Cash. I don't know who I thought I was, but I had the black cowboy boots, man. And I wore those puppies around because I was some kind of a Canadian cowboy now. And me and my buddy Bob, we went to Paris. We just spontaneously said, let's go to Paris for New Year's Eve, 1990, right?

So we get there a few days in advance, and I've been wearing these cowboy boots all over the place. I've been wandering around in Europe. I've been living in Germany, and I wear my boots down to the nubbins. And I'm like, it's time for some new cowboy boots, but what I always do is I always try to retire my footwear in a place of prominence or a mystical place. Or I feel like my shoes, my footwear, they're my partners. I've journeyed with them, right? They've been my transportation. They've been on my feet.

They go where I go. And so whenever I wear down footwear, instead of just throwing it in the garbage, I try to retire it in a place that's deserving of a traveling companion. And so here we are. We're going to the Eiffel Tower, and it's like the day before New Year's, and I've got this long coat.

this long leather coat, and I bought some brand new black cowboy boots. And we went up the Eiffel Tower, and I hid the cowboy boots under my coat. And we went up the Eiffel Tower, and I bought a, when we got to Paris, I went to a hardware store, and I bought a tube of crazy glue.

Not because I'm crazy. And we went up the Eiffel Tower, and I stood there, right at the ledge, right at the, you know, it's all steel girders up there, and I stood right at the top ledge, and I looked around and I stepped out of my old cowboy boots, or actually I didn't step out of my, I lifted the soles up, and I squirted the crazy glue all over each one, and then I set them down, and I kind of settled them on to the metal surface of the platform. And then once they were kind of affixed to the platform, I stepped out of them and had my socks, and then I pulled

out the new cowboy boots and stepped into those. And I crazy glued my black cowboy boots to the Eiffel Tower. And I can't tell you, within seconds, literally, within 30 seconds, me and my buddy Bob went and kind of stood back. And people, it looked like someone had leaned over the ledge to take a pitcher and fell out of their boots because here was these black boots just standing at the edge of the of the Eiffel Tower right at the at the very rim of it right and so and so we stood back and people just swarmed around them people were standing there taking pictures people were tugging on them and we were just howling it was great so I don't know how long they survived Eiffel Tower I wish in my heart I knew they were still there I doubt it but

But anyways, that is my story of the Eiffel Tower. But now let's get back to $44 billion on the evil. Evil, no, Elon, Elon Musk. Okay, so what else? The height of a stack of $1 billion measures 358,510 feet or 67.9 miles. high, which we already went over. And if you're wondering what that looks like,

it would reach from Earth's surface, okay, into the lower portions of the troposphere, one of the major outer layers of Earth's atmosphere. Okay, so picture a stack of money going out into the troposphere, which, by the way, is also a disco in Vegas where I lost my virginity. That's right. six times. Let's call it seven.

I was there after closing and the janitor was cleaning up and something happened. And lastly, just to help you put, and by the way, we're talking a billion dollars here. Okay,

all these figures are a billion dollars, so multiply that by another 39. Or no, another 43. This guy bought it for 44 billion. So here's the final thing to blow your mind. How long would it take you to count $1 billion? Think about it. 1, 2, 3, 4, 8, 9, 10, 1,000, 12, 14,000, 17, 18, 19, 20, 2, 2,000, 2,000, 2,000, 2,000, 2,000,000, right?

That took me like 30 seconds to count to 25, maybe 15 seconds. It would take you to count to 1,277,77, 477, 46 minutes, and 40 seconds, 11,574 days, 1 hour, 46 minutes, and 40 seconds, to be exact. And that's just 1 billion, okay? So if you wanted to count 44 billion, you can say goodbye to the rest of your life. If that's your retirement plan, what'd you do for retirement? Well, I count it to a billion, 44, right? You'd go to your grave countin that crap. So anyways, I had to bring it up because it's so astronomical, it's so bizarre.

It's so out of the realm of us common folk that I really had to just get it out of my system and talk about it. I mean, 44 billion, why does he want it? And doesn't Twitter bring with it a whole cavalcade of headaches? Aren't you going to get into all kinds of situations where people are going to say, you're doing this and you're doing that, and you can't let people say this, and why did you allow that? And it's going to, I don't know. It seems like it would be a big headache to me.

But Elon Musk, man, that guy is, he's cut from another cloth and good for him. So there you go. And before I go any further, speaking of characters, my co-host today, if you notice over this way, right, to me left, to me left, or maybe it's the east, maybe it's the west. I don't know if he's sitting to the north of me. or the south of me. All I know is he's shit in there. And if you're wondering who me co-host is,

it's Lil Coco again. But check him out, bros. Last time, Lil Coco was extremely profane. He was cussing up a storm. This guy, he was dropping F bombs all over the place. So this episode, we had to tape his mouth shut, like a, it's like a tied pig. We had to shut this guy up.

Talk about censorship in America. Yeah, painters tape across the pie hole. I can't have a little cocoa on here, cussing and swearing and dropping F-bombs every which way but loose. I've got a sophisticated, educated show to do here. So you behave yourself, little Coco. Well, I drink a little Cocoa Kolo. Hello, Lo.

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Oh, man. Oh, I can just feel that eating. If I had COVID, it just got eaten, man. It just got eaten alive by my buddy, my little red and white buddy. It just sizzled. Any COVID I have, I don't care if it's Delta virus. I don't care if it's Delta Burke virus. I don't care if it's Corona.

I don't care if it's Corona light. I don't care if there's a lemon on top of the corona. I mean, I don't care if it's Baskin Robbins, Corona. I don't care what brand name you put in front of it. This little buddy of mine just ate it alive, like a cannibal in the jungle, boiling another human. By the way, with COVID, did they have to name, did they have to name COVID after brand names like that?

I heard that Corona beer took a huge hit when they called it the coronavirus. I heard, you know, the Delta variant. I mean, what's next? Yeah, what do you got? John, you don't look well. Well, I got the Pepperidge Farm variant last night. Oh, my God.

Well, what kind? Double fudge bun cake. I could hardly breathe. Well, Pepperidge Farm remembers. I guess people who have Alzheimer's shouldn't be dipping into the Pepperidge Farm, right? That's not a great slogan for people with the Alzheimer's who can't really remember anything. What's for dessert? Pepperidge Farm, because Pepperidge Farm remembers.

What? Remembers. Pardon me? Pepperidge Farm remembers. What'd you say? So not a good slogan. I mean, that's like, you know, that's like Sarah Lee. Because you can't remember a goddamn thing.

I mean, what does memory have to do with eating a cake? But anyways, yeah, can we lose the brand names attached to the viruses? I mean, we never had like the, you know, the Pepsi Cola Ebola, even though that's got a nice ring to it, have a Pepsi Cola Ebola. But, you know, they didn't have, you know, Baskin Robbins presents West Nile virus.

Nothing beats the heat on a hot summer day than a cone filled with mint chocolate chip, Baskin Robbins, West Nile. So, you know, can we? just stick to what you know nobody knows latin anymore why didn't they just call covid like infectious uh scummius malucleus uh coffeus headacheous embedius for three weekiest you know i mean it fits it's got nothing to do with airlines it's got nothing to do with delicious beer so just saying just

Just and just showing. Oh, yeah, saying and showing. Don't think I forgot. I think some of you started to drift away. You're like, you know, the Twitter thing was interesting, but then he gets into the Delta thing. And then, you know, I think I'm going to dip out of this podcast. And then boom, you're right back in, losers.

Yeah, got you. Bang. You shut up. You shut your face. You shut your painter's tape, fat. Dummy face, you big-eyed, calf-eyed freak. And this is how I treat my co-hosts. Hey, don't, this guy last week went off.

I mean, I think I counted 78 F-bombs from this guy, so don't feel sympathetic for a little cocoa over here. I want to talk about something else. Do you recognize these? do you know what do you see these let me hold them up do you see what are these you know what these are these are like little tufts of grass okay and i didn't get them from the lee harvey oswald memorial museum this isn't this isn't grassy knoll paraphernalia from the assassination of jfk this is this is something they put in with your sushi do you ever order sushi

You ever get takeout sushi? You ever get sushi at a restaurant? And for some reason, they put little tufts of grass in with the sushi. These are right out of I ordered sushi, take out sushi, and I opened my thing and there's some salmon. Or if you're into silent letters, there's some salmon? I don't know why we need a silent letter. Why don't we just get rid of it since it's silent?

Nobody uses it, nobody says it, so why stuff it in there? How about S-A-M-O-N, salmon? Nobody enunciates the L. Yes, would you like some delicious salmon for your starter tonight, sir? No, but I'd like a big giant schoole book covered with lemon juice. So anyways, these things,

I don't know why they're putting grass. in with fish. Fish dwell underwater. Fish don't dwell in fields. They don't, they don't swim around in grass, maybe sea grass, but this does not look like seaweed. This looks like golf course grass.

This looks like parkland grass. This looks like the grass in Donnie and Marie Osmond's backyard. And I don't really get it. I don't know why they're accenting. the dead fish with grass. Is it significant of them being dead? Are they 10 feet under? I mean, if we're going to do the grass,

why don't you just make me a little origami cow? How about that? A little origami cow. Can you do that for me? I'd like a piece of salmon, some yellow tail, and if someone could get a piece of 11 by 9 manila typing paper, or a piece of photocopier paper and fold it until it looks like a cow.

I like the cow, the paper, origami cow, to be grazing in my sushi grass when I get my yellow tail tuna and my, I mean, come on. I'm just, I don't know why I'm beefing on it, but I'm just mystified. And speaking of, speaking of cattle and grass, If I see one more menu, if I see one more thing at a grocery store where it says grass-fed beef, here we go. Oh, what grass-fed beef? What did this beef eat grass?

Uh, yeah, it's a fucking cow. That's what they eat grass. You don't have to tell me it was grass-fed. What about this salmon? Is this water-swimming salmon I got right here? Was this, did you, did this salmon come out of the water? Oh, we got grass-fed beef. Well, hello, we got a lion at the zoo.

He's a meat-fed lion. Oh, yeah. You see that dog over there? Dog food fed. Oh, yeah. You see my wife over there? Golden Corral fed. Huge.

Monster. All you can eat. I've got an all you can eat. wife a golden corral fed wife holy fuck she's she's broken 12 toilets in the last five weeks just crutches them like a human stepping on a snail she sits on a toilet flattens it we got old fucking faithful in our bathroom just boom every time chubby sits down on it we get a fountain show we got tourists that stand outside our bathroom window taking pictures waiting for old faithful they're like Well, this will save us a lot of money having to travel all the way up to Yellowstone.

Let's just watch Mrs. Williams sit down on the toilet and crush it up, and we got ourselves a geyser. So enough with the grass-fed. What is that supposed to lure me in? Oh, grass-fed. I'm allergic to grass. Do you have any peanut butter-fed beef? I'd like a fruit cocktail fed cow, please.

Yes, how about a caviar-fed Guernsey? Could you get me one of those there, Chef Gordon Ramsey? I mean, man alive. So enough of that. And enough of this, I'm getting rid of these. And on that note, I think, don't even, don't even. We're going to go to a word from our sponsor right now. Hang in there.

We're coming back with more grass-fed beef and tell you what else feeds this beef. I'll tell you what else feeds this beef, ladies and gentlemen. This beef right here. That there is some cocoa. Coca-Cola fed beef. So, uh, you better come back right after a word from our sponsor. Hi, folks, Ernie Child's here. And are you tired of the bare, empty walls in your house?

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The exciting new shit stain. Our operators. are standing by. Okay, we are back. Little Coco is here, my co-host. He's been silenced. And I know some of you might think that's cruel. You might think that's child abuse.

Good, it is. I taped his face shot. I taped his little truck driver mouth shut. Last week, he was dropping F bombs, every which way but loose. And just, you know, People rode in, they were disgusted, they were horrified by the little trucker mouth freak. And so, you know, this is, everything has repercussions.

I want to get to something that, do you see this, do you see this item here? It says cheesecake factory on it. This isn't really about the cheesecake factory. But what this is is about security. Yeah. I ordered one of these food services, you know, like the DoorDash type of thing or Postmates. I ordered from the Cheesecake Factory. And I ordered a beautiful meal.

They make delicious food. I'm not endorsing them, but they make yummy food cheesecake factory. This just happened to be where I ordered from. And I ordered a Coke and a lemonade. And, you know, these guys deliver them. You don't know who these people are, these DoorDash people. They're nice people. They're hardworking people.

I got nothing bad to say against them. But there have been some instances, and I've seen the video on YouTube and on the Internet. There's been some instances where some of these delivery people were a little bit shady and decided to have some hijinks with the customer's food. And there was one in particular that really stuck out. to me, and it was horrifying, but some guy was driving with his friend, and that's the other

weird thing. Sometimes these people will come to your house and they got a car full of people with them. It's like, yeah, before we go on our vacation to Vegas, I just got to drop off this lasagna to 5592 Parker Street. But Daddy, I thought we were going to Disneyland. We're going to Disneyland as soon as Daddy drops off this veal parmesan and this spaghetti car. Now sit down and shut up, you little brat, or you're not going on Mystery Mountain. But Daddy, I saw you said we were going to Disneyland. Daddy's going to take you to Disneyland as soon as we drop off three more orders of chicken catchetory, beef stroganoff, a double mushroom pizza, and some fat burger, okay,

you little fucked. But anyways, some of these people that show. up. They're with their buddies or there's kids in the car. It's a little odd. But it is what it is. But what happens is I saw this one video where this guy was one of these delivery people and they were delivering, I guess one of the items was chili. They were delivering some kind of big bowl of chili or something. And one of the people in the car and they filmed this because people are generally moronic, not you folks,

not other people and that guy. So these idiots who are delivering the food, one of the characters in the vehicle pulled out his scrotum. And again, I think that's a Latin word, the new scrotum variant of Corona. I think scrotum might be the Latin or the technical word for balls.

Okay, a man has balls between his legs. And this moron decided to dip his balls into this chili. He dipped them in and rolled them, and they were laughing about it, and they were filming it, and they were having a good old gaffa about, you know, soaking their nutbag in chili. And then they delivered the stuff,

and then they posted the damn video. So first of all, morons. Second of all, who are they hurting more, the customer who ordered the chili or themselves? Because I don't know how many of you men and women have testicles or a scrotum, but that is sensitive skin. If the rest of us is cow,

the scrotum is the veal, okay? That's the tender. area. That's the belly of the tuna. That's the sensitive spot, okay? Trust me. Most of us dudes have either dropped some toothpaste on there or you're using the tiger bomb somewhere and you get a little on the old ping pong balls and hello, hello Satan, welcome to my groin. I mean, that's, you might as well go into the ocean and have a stingray stab you between

the legs because that's who you get anything spicy on there boy who you do not want to be putting a taco with hot sauce from Taco Bell between your legs while you're driving and some of that hot sauce seeps into the fabric of your pants because you're driving off a cliff sunshine you've got Taco Bell Grande balls and you're driving off a cliff you're Thelma and Louise in it because your nutbag on fire. Shut up, little nacho or a little taco or a little cocoa. So anyways, I can't imagine it was a pleasurable experience because chili is traditionally spicy and hot,

and this idiot decided to rub his nuts around it. And holy God. And I order chili a lot from Wendy's. I go to Wendy's a lot. But luckily, Wendy is a girl, and she doesn't have balls, Although on the world we live in today, I'm not sure if she is a girl. Is she a she, is she a he, is she and it? Has she transitioning?

Is Wendy transitioning? Is Wendell? Is Wendy Wendell, Wendy, is Wendy Wendell? Or is Wendell Wendy? I don't know. But here's what I'm getting to. They need some kind of system to secure. The food, you're entrusting the food that you're ingesting into your body to complete strangers.

And no offense, no offense, but I'm sure because it's a job that doesn't require probably much screening, anyone from a genius to a guy that just got out of jail could be delivering your food. I'm not taking a shot at hardworking delivery people. I think it's honorable. I think it's great. It's a great service. good for you, but it's one of those jobs where you probably don't need any qualifications or any degree of intelligence or stupidity. Anyone can walk in. If you can drive a car, you got a job.

So you got to figure that there might be some bad seeds that filter into that pool of driving talent. And as seen by the video I just described with Johnny Chili Balls, I think that proves my point. But anyways, one of the things they use to secure the food is they put stickers. They'll put all your food in a bag and then put a sticker on it. The cheesecake factory sticker. Or this is why I'm holding up this. Look at this. Do you see this on the lid of my, this is the actual thing, on the lid of my cheesecake factory delivery of a, a glass of plastic cup full of coke. I'm going to take the straw out.

This was the security. This was the line of defense between me and arsenic going into my, okay, a piece of scotch tape. Scotch brand tape right here. Look at this. That's my security system right there. Kind of like what you got on your face there. cow eyes

so in this day and age where there are weird people out there where people do do mischievous and devious things for no reason other than to entertain themselves or take out their frustration on society

or they're just mentally ill I don't know I don't know that Scotch tape is really what we want between us and a liquid that you could spit in, you can pee in, you could poison, you could, I mean, in a planet

where we can get ourselves to the moon and back, do you think maybe they could create some kind of lid that shows that there's been no perforations in the object? The only entrance way is when the customer actually pierces the plastic or whatever's there. And again, it's probably one in a million that some idiot would do the old, you know, sack chili routine. But a piece of scotch tape, I mean, you know, you don't see this used anywhere else for security. You don't go on a flight to, you know, the other side of the world.

And ladies and gentlemen, we're about to lift off, can you please put the scotch tape across your waistline in case of an emergency? Please affix the scotch tape Across your chest and waistline Should we crash into the ground Yes, is your scotch tape fastened? Yes, okay, let's lift off. I mean, seriously? Hey, here there's some breakings going on in the area

In the neighborhood. Oh, not at my house. I put scotch tape over the door every time I leave the house. That's right. Scotch brand tape right across the door. Nobody's entering my premises. So I think we can do better, folks. I think so.

And as far as home security goes too, that's an expensive entree, isn't it? I mean, to do these home security things, you're talking about putting in cameras and using a service, and you have to pay a monthly fee. And on top of that, someone's watching you in your house. You don't know who's watching you. What if you just happen to get out of the shower and you're strutting across your living room,

naked and nude and afraid, naked and afraid in your own house? And some guy had brinked security is sitting there eating a can of pring. Oh, look at the hooters on that one. Oh, I'd like to dry her off. look, she just bent over and picked up a piece of mail off the floor, you know. So I figured there's got to be a more practical way to do it, a cheaper way. You know, scare people before they even want to enter your property.

And here's where I defer to nature. Have you seen the owls? Have you seen the, they got these security owls? people put them on their houses and on their boat docks and they've got fake owls and what they do they're supposed to deter other birds like pigeons from roosting on your roof and doing bird poo everywhere it's supposed to scare off all the nesting birds and all the birds that assemble in flocks and crap everywhere right and so they made these fake owls with these big luminescent orange eyes and they're just sitting there and they're bobblehead owls so their heads are

like going like this in the wind and I'm like is that a is that a is that the ever rare Parkinson's owl over there by the way I got to do my impression we're talking about owls have you ever seen a snowy owl you know you know the beautiful white owls with the golden eyes they live up in the tundra and in the Arctic and in the in the north and the snow and they're white and they're beautiful. Oh my God. It's called the snowy owl. And I want to do my impression for you before I continue. Here's my impression of the snowy owl. Fuck, it's cold. Oh, fucking freezing.

Oh, fuck, it's cold. Can I get a blanket over here? Who, who the fuck are you to not give me a blanket? Who, who, who, who, who, who, who, someone get me an electric blanket. So there you go. But what I was saying is, you know, in terms of home security, instead of putting in an elaborate security system, here's what I did instead of getting the owl

I got a human statue made I got a few I got one of Jeffrey Dahmer the cannibalistic serial killer remember the guy Dahmer who ate people so I got a statue made of Dahmer like going like this and I think he's got a bib on like I think it says let's eat or something like that

and he's down by the end of the driveway So that's your first line of defense, right? And then you get up by my door, the walkway up to my door, and guess what? I got Ted Bundy standing there. Ted Bundy's standing there, like, going like this. He's got the finger.

I got an animatronic. He's going like this, and he's winking. He's like, and he's got like an axe in his hand. It's like the Hall of Presidents at Disneyland. He's like Pirates of the Caribbean. I got Ted Bundy. come on it and then as the final line of defense in front of my my front door where you go on the house i got o j he's all geared up in his football stuff and he's he's got his stuff but he's got

he's wearing black black gloves and he's just like i got o j so i got dalmer i got bundy and i got uh i got uh oh j and this is on the outside and then you come in the house and uh you know i put this in my bed when I'm gone. I got, uh, what's his face? Uh, Charles Nelson Riley. No, uh, Charles Manson. Charles Manson Riley. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Um, yeah, I got a Charles Manson Riley. No, I got a Charles Manson doll in my bed. And so when they go in the bedroom, there's, he's just laying there. He's got the swastique on his forehead and his eyes are all glazed up. Looked like he's, he's been licking like pulled pork out of Donnie and Moran. Marie's pantry, whatever that means.

And so that's my line of security right there. So it's just a way to keep people out and not have to invest in this elaborate system. And by the way, if you're trying to find where I live, I actually have a real defense system. It's Donnie and Marie. I've got Donnie and Marie in my yard with guns. They're not even stanched. I got the real Donnie and Marie Osmond with Uzzies.

You step on my property, they shoot your ass off, okay? But for now, let's step away, and I want you to have a look at this week's hand-drawn T-shirts by yours truly. I think I've told you this every, every so often I draw right on to T-shirts, my own drawings, and you can acquire them.

And let's shoot to this and you can see how you can get your own Harland Williams hand-drawn t-shirt to put on your very own fresh beef. Oh yeah, here we go. Time for another hand-drawn shirt

by yours truly. don't know, I draw my own t-shirts. I take Sharpie markers and I draw directly on the t-shirt. And if this shirt still available, you can own it at harbling.com. So let's go ahead and reveal this week's hand-drawn Harlan t-shirt. Right, so here are today's hand-drawn t-shirts by yours truly. Here's the first one. Winnie the Pooh. and not the carol character which is spelled differently Winnie the Pooh but this is Winnie the actual poo and as you can see he really is a walking piece of poo so the inspiration for this shirt just came from the wordplay on Winnie the

Pooh I always thought it was the most ridiculous name for a cute little lovable character and speaking of character here's another kind of iconic pop culture character we all know where's waldo but i always thought what's he looked like when you take that stupid hat off them and i thought what if he's bald and so here we have where's baldo so we got where's baldo and winnie the pooh a kind of a humorous take on two iconic uh characters from Literature, if you can call Where's Waldo Literature, but it comes from a kid's book. So these are available at Harblink.com, and for some reason, they're already sold. You can always order a print.

So I hope you enjoy. Where's Baldo and Winnie the Pooh? Oh, yeah, baby. We are back. We are back. Can I just tell you, too? Obviously, I love the Coca-Cola, right? And I go to the gym, and this, you know, you know, sometimes you get evil looks from people.

You just get the look of death from people, or you get, you either get the look of death, or you just get the look of perplexed. They're just like, wait, wait, I don't understand. How does that? Wait, are you? Well, how does that work with the way the world works? What are you doing?

And what I do is I go to the gym sometimes and I actually take a bottle of Coke. And I do the machines and I'm playing racquetball. And in between games of racquetball, I'm sweaty, I'm hot. And I'm like, yeah, I could go get some water. and quench my thirst or I could sip a bottle of raw brown sugar and supercharge my body

and going and do another game and kick someone's ass like I'm the Tasmanian devil on LSD. Okay? But what I'll do is I'll take my bottle, I'll just leave it in the bottle and I'll put it up on the Nautilus machine. You know, they get the flat

and I'll put the bottle and I'm just like doing my reps. And then in between, you know, you take a little break in between reps and you grab your, everyone there has their bottle of water and some of them have designer bottles of water. Some of them have huge bottles of water.

There's one guy at my gym that makes his own like cayenne pepper, like it looks like someone just scooped water out of a sewage system. It's like got chunks in it and it's red and it's brown and it looks like vomit. and a vomit smoothie. I mean, I got to say some people are pretty pretentious with the damn water. And so, you know, I don't do it other than any other reason that I love this. And I realized as I started doing this now and then I'll pop the,

I'll just put the Coke on top of the Nautilus machine, and then I'll get to do my reps. I think you see the results, ladies gentlemen, don't you? But the looks, the confusion, the fact that physical fitness and gyms, the gyms and physical fitness don't go hand in hand with Coca-Cola, raw Coca-Cola out of a bottle. You just don't do it. That's like going scuba diving and puncturing a hole in your mask,

in your oxygen tank before you go down. Oh, I'll be all right. I like the bubbles, right? So I'll be there and I'll plop the thing down and I'm doing my reps and I'll look up and someone will just be like, what is, how does this work? And I'm, what is, how is that a Coca-Cola?

I mean, I'm really struggling with how, this goes with this and I it can you do you not know about water is there's something I can do to I mean that you know the looks I get it's just it's just hilarious but you know what physical fitness doesn't mean you have to be a total puritan it's like well I'm going to the gym and I'm doing curls so I got to have vita water and I got to wear a you know I got to wear a breathing pad on my nose and I got to wear my cotton underpants so everything can breathe and I got to wear my lulu lemon jock strap and you know you can mix it up there's no set rules if you can make your physical fitness a little more enjoyable you know sneaking a coke in there isn't isn't the

worst thing in the world you know taking your own fryer your own little coleman stove and a frying pan and cooking up a pack of bacon in between uh reps that's not a sin and think of the favor you're doing to the gym normally a gym smells like sweat and salt and diarrhea and here you are frying up some farmer john's apple smoke bacon and it's just permeating through the la fitness or fitness world or 24 hour freakness or wherever the hell you go to extend your life I love going to the gym. I used to hate it, but now I love it. It smells like fresh bacon.

So to each their own. That's what I say. To each their own. And I think we'll leave today on that positive note. I think that's a really good message to leave on. Not to eat their own, but to drinking Coke while you work out. Oh, sizzle my tonsil grease. Um, don't forget folks, uh, to check out, here's where I plug a few things. May 13th, uh, I am

going to be in Boulder, Colorado at the Boulder Theater. This is an 800 seat, beautiful theater. I'm doing a stand-up show there. If you're in the, uh, the Colorado area or in Boulder, anywhere around there, please get your tickets. Go to harlandwilliams.com and, uh, get your tickets for the Boulder comedy show May 13th at the Boulder Theater. It's going to be amazing. It's such a beautiful venue. You know, it's one thing when you see a comedy show and a comedy club, which are great on their own. But when you do it in a big theater, it's beautiful. And I got to tell you, as a performer, as a comedian, when I'm on that big stage, that majestic stage with all that space, I got to tell you, as a performer, it brings you to another level. It brings out in me at least. I don't know if this

happens with every comedian, but with me, it just, it makes me want to do a bigger, broader, like it just, it takes me, it heightens everything I'm about, and my shows are just, I don't know, they just go to another level. So, come out on May 13th to the Boulder Theater. Also, I'm going to be up in Grand Rapids, Michigan in May, a little town called Holland, just outside of Grand Cedar Rapids, sorry, Cedar Rapids. Cedar or Grand? I don't know. It's up there in Michigan, across the bay from Green Bay. And I think it's Cedar Rapids.

It's something Rapids. And then also I'm going to be doing the Come and Get Em Comedy Festival in Dallas, Texas, and Houston, Texas. This is going down in mid-May. And then at the same time, I'm doing a gig down in Lafayette, Louisiana. and all this information is available on my website. I'm doing a wonderful show in Huntington Beach, California in May. I'm doing a charity event in Hollywood here in May. I mean, just get to Harlan Williams.com and go to my stand-up tour page

and take a look at all the cool gigs that I have. And hopefully you can come out and enjoy and have some giggles. What else? Also, don't forget my Patreon page. For those of you that love the Harland Highway, the old format was audio only where I did all kinds of characters. And I did all these phone calls where I'd really interview myself, but I did characters like George Michael and Aunt Ruthie and Colonel Tom Doughty and Michael Jackson.

And I did all these character things that I don't do on this because this is visual and I don't want to reveal myself doing them. but if you join my Patreon page for $5 a month, which is nothing, that's less than a cheeseburger at McDonald's, I am posting new and classic episodes of the Harland Highway podcast where I did these phone characters and people love them, and you can get them there. It's a small fee to pay for a lot of laughs, I think.

People are really enjoying my Patreon page. go on Google and type in Harland Williams, Patreon, and it will take you to my page. And then if you want to join, you can. And if you don't like it, you can jump off. It's five bucks. But I just want to make sure we spread that laughter. Also, don't forget harbling.com. If you want to pick up either an original shirt or a print of one of the shirts, if the one you see and love is already sold, you can go in and order or request a print of the very same shirt, and it will get mailed out to you. We also put those images on coffee mugs and sleeping bags and backpacks and phone cases,

and it's a really cool site, harbling.com. But nothing's cooler than you folks. I want to thank you. Thank you so much for being here. I hope you tell your friends about the podcast. We've got some exciting guests coming up in the future. We'll be here interviewing. some really cool, funny people, some beautiful people.

But please tell your friends about the podcast. Be sure to subscribe to the podcast. The more people we get on it, the more I can start to do with it. And I also want to thank my silent co-host here today, Little Coco. It was nice to not hear him swearing his head off. Well, yeah, but that's muffled. I don't know what you said. For all I know, you're speaking, Swahili.

I couldn't tell what he said. But I've said it all. I've said enough. We're done for today. Look forward to seeing you next time. Thank you for tuning into the Harland Highway podcast, y'all. And I'll give you one more peek before we go. You want one more little peek?

You want a little aerolite, don't you? Let's see if we can just sneak it a little bit. There you go. Daddy's home for Christmas. I hope you had a good time here on the Harlan Highway podcast. We'll see you next time. Be good, be safe. And until next time, chicken chau main, baby.