The Harland Highway - The NEW Harland Highway #7

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Harland hangs with Johnny Rotten from the Sex Pistols. Harland goes into outer space, microwave ants, TikTok insanity, and tanning bed treats!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Yep, yep, here we go. Here we go, here we go. We're rolling down the Harland Highway. The only road you need to be on. It always gets you to exactly where you need to go.

The El Harlando El Highwayo. And we're here. You're here. And let's get into it, man. Let's get into it. Yours truly went to a tanning salon the other day. You know, I'm a little bit powdery. I often get mistaken as an albino when I'm walking down the street.

People are like, C, C, C, C, Cose, ghost. And I'm like, no, no, just pale. Very, very pale. This area is haunted. No, I'm just very pale. I'm not a ghost. I'm not a poltergeist.

I'm not a spirit. I'm just Harland Williams, the host of the Harland Highway podcast. So I check out one of these tanning salons, you know, where you go in and you strip down and you lay on the thing for an hour or whatever, or whatever it is. And you just basically cook and it looked lonely. It looked like it took forever. And I was like, you know what? Screw this.

If I'm going to be laying basically in a human oven, I want something to eat. I need to snack when I'm doing my tanning. Okay, this is America. We need to eat when we're doing anything. I mean, you eat at a movie theater, you eat at the mall, you eat in your car. You should be eating at a funeral as far as I'm concerned.

I mean, there's extra food. there's one less guy that's going to be eating any because he's in the coffin. But that's another story. So I figure I'm going to be laying in a tanning bed. I'm going to be cooking. And, you know, it's kind of a bleak, desolate place. So I take in the Pillsbury crescent rolls. You know, the little tube.

And by the way, be careful making those things when you're naked. Of course, I get into the tanning band naked, and before I get in, before I crawl onto the human cooking machine, you know the Pillsbury boy canisters, the Pillsbury, the croissant rolls or whatever they are, croissons, as the French say. Do we even say it right here in America?

Crescent, is it Crescent rolls? Now I'm thinking about Moon Night. Have you seen that show Moon Night? I want to go out and, Stop crimes and throw crescent rolls at people. You there, freeze. Oh, I'll be damned if I freeze if you're going to be throwing fresh pastry in my mouth. But anyways, you get the, you get the Pillsbury Crescent roll thing.

And what you do, it's the old, I think it's. the only food in the world where you smack it outside of catching a fish. You know, when you pull up a fish, you're like bonk. But for some reason, the good folk over at Pillsbury, they're like, before you do any cooking, take your tube of crescent rolls and bonk it on something. And I think it's also the only food product in the world that explodes before you prepare it. Have you seen this? You hit it.

It's like, phew. It's like instant yeast infection. You hit the Pillsbury Crescentrales. Donk, yeast infection. That yeast just pops out. I mean, holy God. It's like watching a fat girl knock her pelvis into a countertop. Bonk, ah, yeast infection.

But so anyways, I'm thinking if I'm going to be laying in the human oven, and I'm naked, why not have a snack? Why not have a little pastry fun? And imagine the aroma. I mean, instead of smelling my own epidermis frying like bacon, I can smell those delicious pilsbury croissant rules, right? But here's the problem. I got naked first.

I bang the damn canister of rolls, and that thing gave me a punch where I didn't want it to be. It was like, pshk, oh, let's just say the croissant rolls just gave me a good bang right in the dough balls. So that wasn't a good start to my tanning bad experience, but eventually I slid into the human oven and I laid down and, you know, I put a little oil on my, body, a little eucalypti, or eucalyptus.

And, you know, I rolled out the little triangles, you know. By the way, not the easiest thing to do making those Pillsbury crescent rolls. I just want to eat. I don't want to, I don't need to take an origami class at DeVry in order to prepare a bun. Okay, have you seen these crescent rolls? Like, grab the pastry by the corners, roll it for it. twist it, flip it over, bend it. I mean, what that?

What am I doing here? Making a model airplane? I want a bun with my dinner. I don't need an origami lesson here. I mean, holy God. These things are almost as difficult as figuring out a Rubik's Cube. You'd think it'd be easy just to make a croissant-shaped bun, but no, no, no, no.

Mine come out looking like, you know, some kid's broken leg. Some of them come out looking like a hockey stick. Some of them are the capital L. I had one that came out. It looked like a scarecrow. It frightened me. I'm like, I just want to eat a bun.

Do I have to do a craftwork show before I eat my bun, please? Do I have to go to the craft shop work before I eat my damn crescent roll? So here I am folding and bending and I got the damn things on my body and I fall asleep. I fall asleep in the tanning bed and holy God, I don't know if these buns moved around on my oily, slippery body. But they all kind of migrated down to my pelvis region and somehow formed a circle. around, like on my upper thighs, around my belly button, around, you know, basically they surrounded the wagon, if you know what I mean.

And I fell asleep. And when I woke up, sure enough, I'm tanned. I stand up, all my crescent rolls go rolling off of me. And there I'm looking in the mirror, and I got a ring around the rosy, if you know what I mean? I got me a, I don't know, it's like that movie, The Ring. I'm waiting for a girl with hair over her face to crawl out of my belly button. By the way, does that girl not shampoo?

Have you seen that girl that crawls out of the well from the ring and she's got that black, oily hair? I mean, everyone knows where she lives. Can someone drop a bottle of pert down the well? Can someone accidentally knock over a bottle of head and shoulders into the well? I mean, she's down there. There's nowhere else to go. She basically lives at the bottom of a tunnel. Do you think someone could make a wish, throw a few coins, and then, whoops, maybe toss a bottle of hair conditioner down there?

I don't, I mean, that girl's hair, it looks like a manatee just barfed up. a seaweed salad or something. But anyway, so the tanning bad thing was a mess. I got a giant ring around my package. I looked like aliens came in in the night and did a crop circle around my hot dog. And, you know, it's a little weird. But there's always a silver lining.

When I stood up, I saw all the crescent, rolls. They fell to the floor, of course, and I picked them up, and, you know, it's exhausting when you're in the tanning bed. You know, the heat, it's extracting important moisture from your body. It's cooking you, and so you get depleted in that old tanning bed. So, of course, I had some nourishment. I have some delicious hot, delicious croissant rolls there. and I'm chowing down. So I think next time I go into the tanning booth, I'm thinking maybe some bacon.

And after that, I think I might even go up a grade and do a salmon filet. Just be laying in the tanning bed with a nice, you know, nice salmon filet, and maybe I'll squirt some lemon on there and some sea salt. Oh, just get a plastic. knife and fork. I might eat while I'm tanning. I might not wait till it's over. Oh, delicious.

Speaking of my skin, I do believe, how selfish of me. Look, look how done up I am. I mean, I'm talking about food. I'm talking about salmon. I'm talking about bread. I mean, that's all the food groups. There's a food group here that we really need to acknowledge, and I think it's the meat. The meat group is very important, and I know that's why. I know that's why you tune in. You're not here for me. I know why you tune into the Harlan Highway Park as you're here for the fresh beef. Oh yeah. Look at it. Just open. It's like Rod Stewart. I'm pulling down his pants in the middle of the night. Just like Rod Stewart with his spiky hair, still at 95 years old. Just pulling his pants down. And there's the meat. Look at that

fresh, sizzling, tanned, tanned. Tanned meat. I'm not going any lower. I'm not showing you the ring. I'm not showing you the crop circle. 1299. 1299 gets you a tour of the crop circle. If you want to send in 1299, money order, personal check,

Venmo me, PayPal me, $12.99. And, yeah, I'll give you a tour. I'll let you see the ring. I'll let you see the ring around the hot dog. Why not? Got to make a living, right? But speaking of hot places, this blows my mind.

Okay, this is a true story. The other day, I'm doing some cooking, and it's not in the tanning bed. I'm cooking something in the microwave oven. And, you know, I got, a lasagna or something going in there, you know. And I go at the halfway mark. It says, you know, going in stir.

I talked about this on another podcast. So I go in at the halfway mark and something catches my eye. Something's moving in the microwave. And I'm like, wait, what the hell's going on here now? There should have been nothing to live now in my microwave, child. And I look, and there's an ant, okay, one of those little brown ants, okay? And little tiny brown ant, and holy God, this thing's alive. Okay, this guy was just in with a lasagna.

Okay, I don't know if it's a lasagna ant. I don't know what species of ant it was. Maybe it's a microwave ant because this, this creature, was still alive walking around and I was like oh my god I stir the the food or whatever I had to do to it and I finish it off and I'm thinking okay that that little guy's done for like I feel bad he's in there but you know somehow he got in there he probably crawled onto the container of food when I had it on the counter and there was an ant on the counter who hasn't had an ant in their kitchen

And I'm telling you, man, this freaky aunt, it lived. It somehow this thing lived. And it freaks me out. How does a little ant with, I'm assuming they have a brain, there's something in there, something tells them how to put six legs in front of the other. But how is it, I can, I could, if I wanted to, I could, I could cook a glazed ham in there. I could permeate the meat of a roast beef with my microwave.

If I put my hand in the microwave for one minute, it would cook the meat off and I'd have a skeleton hand. So how is it an ant this big who lives in a hole in the ground somehow wanders around willy-nilly in a microwave storm? Still crawling around. What wasn't injured? Wasn't like spasming. It was just like, do-de-de-de-de-de-boy, it sure got warm there for a minute. Must be those Santa Ana winds kicking in for the summer. Ooh, I smell lasagna. La-de-de-de-de. What the hell? Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better. or not worse, trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping.

And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50%. percent off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this

code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, look, an ant's body, have you ever squished an ant? We all have. Don't tell me you haven't murderer. You've murdered. You've murdered ants. You're a murderer. But when you squish an ant, it's not a dry experience. It's not like holding sawdust. When you squish an ant, there's moisture. There's some fluidity. There's some fluids and something in the body. I don't know if there's such a thing as ant blood. Do ants have blood? Why am I asking all these questions? Now we're all going to be wondering all day. Do ants have blood? I've never asked that question in my whole life. Do ants have blood? Is there blood in an ant? What's in an ant? What the hell is inside an ant?

But there's something, there's got to be a small percentile of water or ant juice or whatever it is. And from my understanding of a microwave, wherever there's any moisture, or even if there's any type of mass that's porous or meaty or whatever, it's going to cook. It's going to fry. But somehow, the miracle ant, has more power than a seven-layer lasagna. I mean, I'm telling you, I'm totally mystified. I don't know.

Well, I do know. I know a lot of scientists watch the Harlan Highway podcast because it's very scientific, and there's a lot of learning going on here at the Harland Highway podcast. So for all you scientists watching, excuse me, while I get cokeified. oh god oh like it's like drinking a jug of ant juice right there um but can someone explain to me

maybe maybe leave something in the comments can someone in the comments of of the harland highway podcast on youtube let me know if there's ant blood or what what the hell why why aren't ants cooking in the microwave. And why haven't I introduced my co-host for today? He's right here. It's not a little cocoa. It's not a little co-cote. It's my new friend and my new co-host.

Say hello to Sourdough Johnson right here. Sourdough Johnson. How are you, guy? What's up? I feel groovy, man Okay, okay Well, it's good to have you here A little Coco

I don't know where the hell he is It's probably like hanging around Down front Little bitch But today it's Sourdough Johnson's Turn to co-host And anything to say

Let's not I ain't pussy Okay I don't know if that's relevant intertinent, but thanks for chiming in there, Sourdough. Fuck, yeah. But, yeah, so some crazy stuff. And speaking of crazy, I want to address social media, okay?

And in particular, the platforms like Instagram and TikTok and the reels and the clips that we watch, how many of you find yourself watching? these clips, right? The little like 30 second, 10 second, 20 second video clips you can watch. And it's quite fascinating because, you know, the other day I was at breakfast. And in the old days, I could go to Denny's and I can sit down and order a full moon over my hammy or my French toast or whatever I'm chowing down on. And I'm sitting there and maybe in the old days, and the old days weren't that long ago, I would have a newspaper or maybe I'd just have nothing and I'd just kind of look around the restaurant. Go, there's a truck driver, there's a family, there's a

hot girl, there's a guy with gopher teeth. But now, now I can sit down and get my brecky and I can open my phone and I can go to TikTok or I can go to Instagram Reels. and now I can, in the span of a minute, okay, I can go from watching a beautiful girl in a bikini jumping around on the beach, to a dopey kid playing a prank on someone, to a pride of lions ripping the intestines out of a water buffalo that's still half a lie.

to a fat guy going down an escalator farting, to an 18-wheeler truck hitting a cow, to a drunken street fight, to somebody skateboarding into a wall, to a helicopter crashing into planet Earth. I mean, it just goes on and on, and you're just like, you're swiping. You just keep swiping and suddenly, whether it's at breakfast or whether it's during your day or whether you're at work,

I see people doing this everywhere and I'm getting guilty of it. You start looking at this stuff and your brain is being exposed to this bizarre and extreme imagery that normally you might see a 15 minute clip of it in an hour long, animal documentary, okay? Somewhere, somewhere in a hour-long National Geographic special about lions, they might dedicate 15 seconds to the lions hunting and killing, which is obviously extreme and dramatic and violent, and it's tough to watch, but it's nature. But on TikTok, they just take the most grisly segment of the hunt where the lions are ripping the baby out of the womb and they're eating the throat and they're cracking the face off and they're eating the eyeballs like chestnuts.

I mean, and then you slip to five videos later, there's a leopard dragging a moose up a tree. And then seven videos later, there's a manatee punching the shit of it out of a chimpanzee or something. I mean, these animal videos. I think I saw, I think I saw a polar bear with a, with a, with a glass. lock, rifle, or something, shooting people in a subway station. I mean, they're just getting, they're as violent as it can get. And so where I'm going with this is, you know, we now live in a world where your brain can

be fed the most extreme stimuli ever imaginable wherever you go. And I'm starting to question if this is healthy. And I'm starting to question, what's behind it? Is there a mythology to this? Is this all been planned out by the people at the internet world or people on social media world? Is it just random that you see a very sexual little video clip of some woman like wiggling or ass cheeks at the camera

or making her breasts jump up and down like there was an earthquake on Dolly Parton's stomach. Titty pudding. And then all of a sudden you're seeing a school kid punching old lady in the face. And then you're watching some idiot walk into a wall because they're drunk and on and on and on. And I start to question,

is this just pure entertainment value? Is this just to pass the time? Or is there a deeper, darker, sinister thing going on behind all these videos? Because I find it interesting that they all kind of, you know, kind of line up in these specific categories as you watch them. You know, there's about maybe 10 or 15 categories, sexual, animal violence, human violence, Karen's yelling, car crashes, like it, It feels like they've picked out 15 or 16 specific extreme categories and they just run them. And I go, is it just random? Is that what people want to see?

Or are they doing it to destabilize us as individuals, firstly, and secondly as a society? Is there a psychological warfare component to these seemingly innocent streaming videos? Because I got to tell you sometimes after I watched them and we're all guilty of this, you get sucked into them. You think, oh, I'll look at two or three while I'm eating my bowl of cereal. You know, you're sitting there with your lucky charms and you're really feeling lucky because you just saw a family get run over by a buffalo and Yellowstone. But you think, okay, when I finish my bowl of cereal, I'll shut it off, but then you can't stop.

You're like, three hours later, you're still looking at these stupid things. And here's where I'm going. It's like when you do finally stop, do you feel a little discombobulated? Do you feel like a chameleon, your eyes are going? in different directions, like one eye's looking down and one's looking up, and you're like, what did I just see? Sexy girls in bikinis, people getting hit by cars, people shooting airplanes out of the sky, a walrus, drop kicking a moose in the tits, right?

And I wonder, you know, it just seems there's so much going on in the world today. Us humans are weird, man. and for some reason we can be self-destructive. I don't know why, but there's times when I think the powers that be, whoever they are, wherever they are, if they even exist. But I think we all secretly think there's like some kind of bigger department that's kind of puppeteering the rest of us. And I wonder if these videos are being used to disorient us,

to disenfranchise us, to confuse us. to destabilize us mentally, psychologically. I'm serious, there's times after I look at them, I'm just a little bit, what, what, what am I? I must go out and skin a zebra and eat its unborn child. I must go and punch my neighbor in the face with a canoe paddle, bleep-flop, corks, glark, internet, TikTok, TikTok, TikTok, TikTok, Instagram, TikTok, Instagram, TikTok, TikTok,

I must eat a baby moose in the forest. Tick, talk, tick. I must make friends with a pack of hyenas and strip the flesh off a baby gazelle. Tick, talk, tick, talk. I must put on a string bikini and wiggle my ass in front of people on the beach. Tick, talk, tick.

I mean, holy God. Brother look like a retarded robot. It's very, it's very, it's actually kind of concerning. I'm concerned about you, fuck-ha. Because it seems like there's a deeper, sinister ploy at work here. I'm starting to find it hard to believe that this is just innocent fun. And I think if you watch enough of this stuff, it's destabilizing. It can't be healthy for the brain.

It's like just constant input. Did you ever see there was a movie that Stanley Kubrick did early in his career called Clockwork Orange. And towards the end of the movie, they took this guy, the star of the movie, Malcolm McDowell, who's a troublemaker and a juvenile delinquent, and he's in a gang, and he's raping and pillaging and stealing the whole movie, and they finally catch him. And what they do in Clockwork Orange, you got to watch it. It's a great movie, by the way, on its own.

But towards the end of the movie, they finally, the authorities catch them. And what they do is they strap them to a chair, and they put these metal clamps on his eyes to hold his eyes open. So he can't shut his eyes. And then they got little squirters, squirting water on his eyes. And they have him sitting on a chair like a dentist chair, and he's strapped in. And his eyes are just pried open. He can't close them. And they force him to watch exactly what we're watching today. They force them to watch quick pornographic clips and people shooting each other and fighting in the street and war footage and nuclear bombs going off and cars flipping and I'm like, whoa. And why they were doing it in the movie was to program or reprogram this character.

They were either trying to program him or they were trying to create an immunity in his mind so that he was desensitized to what he was seeing or it no longer affected him. It made him numb to a degree. It took away all his audio sensory perceptions and receptors and it just made him a bit of a zombie. And so whenever he saw this shocking or startling or extreme imagery, he was just kind of like,

yeah, okay. Yeah, that's the world we live in. Okay, yeah. So there's a, there's a, a hockey player eating a tortoise. Great, okay. Well, there's a truck driver running over a herd of wild human babies. Okay.

There's 12 naked people having sex on the steps of a church. Okay. And so if you go back and look at this movie, and I've got a picture up of the character. You can see what they've done to his eyes. And I think that's maybe what's happening to us. I mean, I don't know. Am I overthinking this stuff?

Am I interpreting too much? I guess I defer to you and ask you, when you've had a good 10, 15, 30 minute session of looking at these little video clips, do you feel a little disoriented? Do you feel a little perturbed? Or do you just go, oh, I just watched a half hour of sex, violence, social disruption, political dissent, hatred, human beings, being horrible to

each other. Now, I feel great. Let's go to Dairy Queen. I just saw pack of wild dogs eat a baby seal right out of its mother's ovula. Now, I need me some Dairy Queen blizzard right now. Margaret gets the kids in the car. I just saw a lion swallow a baby giraffe. Now get the children in the car.

Let's go get a dilly bar. And I want me a peanut buster parfe. That's what I want. I mean, if I was a hyena eating a baby zebra, that's what I'd want. So this is the big questionini here, gang. what the hell is going on? Is there a deeper, are there side effects here?

Are we being psychologically dismantled or programmed or what is going on? Whatever it is, nothing a good old Coca-Cola can cure, I'll tell you that much now. I don't care what ails you. Whether you got a creaky old back or you're, you're just a damn god serial killer ain't nothing can't be cured by a good old

swig of cokey cooley um so i don't know maybe that's too heavy that's some heavy stuff here it's something to think about it's something i continue to ponder and i'm i'm guilty of looking at this stuff every day and there's days where i kind of get mad i go i don't want to look at this stuff stop it i don't know i'm not going to do it I'm not going to, I'm not going to look at it.

I'll tell you what, sometimes now I do that versus watching TV. You know, when you used to make a sandwich or you make dinner, you have breakfast, sometimes you plop down in front of your TV and you start to watch a show. Not anymore. Now I watch, I watch these, uh, the TikToks. TikTok, TikTok, TikTok, TikTok, TikTok. Maybe, maybe that's why it's called TikTok. I mean, you know, it's kind of got that, that, that rhythm.

rhythmic, that rhythmic kind of orderly, the rhythm of a clock, where it never stops. It's always in rhythm. Tick, it's very orderly. Maybe that's what they're trying to do. They're trying to corral the crazy dissipated human race and just make us all into TikTok, tick talk, tick talk, tick talk, I need TikTok, I want TikTok, I am TikTok, Tick, talk, tick. Whoa, and how about this?

Tick-Tock to me, baby. Hello. So anyways, it's all too heavy, and I think we got a switch gear. You will beasty ass motherfucker. Okay. I think we got to switch gears, and let's do this.

Let's go to a crazy, crazy news story. Do it. The Harland Highways. Crazy news story. That's weird. What? Strange stuff. Oh, oh, okay.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay. No, I don't want to run my fingers through your hair. No, I don't. I'm sure it's soft. I don't. Oh, hey, we are back. We are back with, uh, Sourdough Johnson. You having fun here, uh, sourdough?

Uh. Okay, well, let's do a crazy news story here. Here's our, and I got to put the peepers on. I hate the peepers, but the peeps love me. Let's read this crazy news story here. What do we got? Oh, God. Here's the headline, everybody.

How 90-day fiancé star, Stephanie Maddo, ended up hospitalized after eating too many beans to sell farts. What you talk about, Will it? Here we go. Here we go. Stephanie Maddo sold her jarred flatulence for $1,000 apiece and made over $200,000 in a two-month venture

while subsisting on a diet of yogurt, eggs, and beans, and ended up in the hospital once she thought she was having a heart attack. How many of you are having a heart attack right now? Hearing about some chick making $200,000 selling her farts? I'm about to have a stroke, a convulsion, get leukemia, cancer, and get hit by a train. That's how I'm feeling. Forget a heart attack.

Let me, let's get into this. Stephanie Maddo is an influencer. I love these, that word. influence. What are they influencing? Who are they influencing? Hey, mom, I just read to the woman selling farts for hundreds of thousands of dollars. I think I'm feeling influenced. Can you go out and buy me a box of jars? I think I feel some cucumber farts coming on. So this YouTuber, the former star of TLC's 90-day fianc again another just glowing example of our dissolved civilization where reality shows about

marriage and divorce and fiancés nothing matters anymore nothing except for this of course and of course sourdough johnson over here um so this uh this girl uh launched a new business venture after realizing the demand was high for a rather unorthodox product. In November, she found lucrative part-time work bottling and selling her own farts. You want to do one? Just so people know, what it is we're taught you want to you want to crank one sourdough yeah okay just so you you're clear

we're talking about someone selling a fart okay go didn't have to do didn't have to be that big god what the hell you've been eating that smells like brussels and cinnamon oh anyhow um And then it says things went terribly wrong. Oh gosh, what happened? For two months, she spent her days farting into glass jars with flower petals adoring the inside and shipping them to fans. Remarkably, Mato was making $50,000 a week,

though fart sales through fart sales alone and eventually sold more than $200,000 worth of farts worldwide through her adult website. Fucking fatty fat pants, bitch. Okay, first of all, you're farting into a jar, okay? I'm not a scientist, even though a lot of scientists watch this show.

It's probably the most watched podcast by science-minded people. First of all, how long does an aroma last, even if you seal it in a jar? Okay, and I never thought in my life I'd be asking this question, but if you fart in a jar and it smells like cow poo and you open the jar 12 days later,

is it still going to have that aroma? I don't see why it would. These are questions for the scientists who watch my show. But nonetheless, it says she laced the jars with flower petals. and the smell of a flower pedal is probably going to annul the smell of a fart. So by the time you get your fart in a jar and pop it open while you're watching your favorite TV show, oh, a sunflower, oh, this girl must have been grazing on azaleas. Oh, a dandelion stink.

Oh, a bouquet of red roses. funeral fart. I mean, good Lord. So I don't know. I think if you add anything into the fart, doesn't that to destroy the purity of the fart? Doesn't that annihilate the integrity of the stink you ordered online? Yeah, let's see. Let me get my credit card. I got to get, oh, I look this for $8 extra, I can get a rush on that stink order. Yeah, send me that ass stink. I get it two days quicker for an extra $8 that invisible ass stink. And by the way, that's the other thing, gang. I don't think Stephanie Motto had to eat all this crap

because I don't think that you can prove there's a fart in a jar. It's air for God's sake. I highly doubt that someone who got their fart went, you know what, I'm suspicious that there ain't no fart in here. You know what? I'm going to get his analyzed. down at the fart analyzer center. And I'm going to make sure I got what I paid for.

There better be a roast beef and steamed cabbage fart in here because if there ain't, oh, hell, no. I'm getting myself a refund. I'll go over there and stick my nose and that girl's buck crack myself if I needs to. And first of all, can we talk about who the hell wants a fart? this is this is the world we live in man there's a niche for everything i guess some people out there apparently a lot of people with money want to fart i mean you work all day you save all night

you think maybe you'll go on a vacation to hawaii or a cruise to the bahamas uh what are you saving up for, Jim? Well, I'm saving up for a brand new Corvich Stingray. What are you saving up for? Well, I'm saving up for a Pepperidge Farm meatloaf fart. Should be here any day now. I ordered it three days ago. Okay, buddy. Uh, I mean, good Lord. So let's keep going with this story. She made $200,000 worldwide, so I guess everyone all over the world loves farts. But in January, Mateo was hospitalized for what she thought was a heart attack, but turned out to be a dangerous buildup of gas inside her body from her flatulence-induced diet. And now she says her fart-selling days are behind her.

Uh, stupid, you could have just kept mailing out, empty jars full of air. Hello. Nobody's going to know. No, unless you're videotaping the eruption, unless you're videotaping you squatting over a mason jar and sealing it up nice and fresh, their stinky buns. I don't think anyone's going to know.

So, just ridiculous. So after Stephanie's, Mato received a fan request on her site for a jarred fart for $1,000, and this is how the whole thing started, she realized there was money to be made. And what started as what she thought is a joke, she began regularly satisfying these requests and even offering discounts during the holiday season at one point. She sold 97 jars or farts just over two days. Now again, not the most brilliant marketing person.

Isn't the holidays when you jack your prices up? You don't give discounts at Christmas. You go, hey, how would you like a Christmassy fruitcake fart? It's the holidays, gang, and for only $299, I can home-cook you a delicious egg-nog fart. Well, everyone else is sniffing the fireplace. You can sneak off into the corner, open your jar, and breathe in your delicious homemade egg-nog fart. I mean, not the smartest marketer in the world.

She says, I think my main motivation was money, but I also thought to be hilarious. as a publicity move that would get lots of people's attention. Well, okay, let's break it down. In a way, it's the stupidest thing I've ever heard, but in another way, it's brilliant. How many of you made $200,000 last year? And when you did, how many days did you have to climb on the subway

or commute in the car, put in eight hours at the office, grind away, writing and typing, and on the computer, and you know what? Here's the ironic and sad part of all that. Of you working for the man? Of you running the rat race? I bet about seven or eight times a day

while you were working at your job for probably 60, 50 grand a year. I bet six or seven times a day you farted. Now, I want to say money out the door, but I'm going to say money out the rear, okay? I mean, well, you were working on the file for the legal department. You just cranked $400 out of your little calumari ring. Stupid?

Why don't you take jars to work and have a side hustle? Now when you're working away, it's like, yes, let me just write this memo. Can you hold on a second? Thank you. Thank you. Just give me a second here. Oh, there we go. That'll be paying for my new motorcycle. Now, where were we? Da-de-de-da-da-da-da. I mean, this is nuts, man.

Would you knock it off? We don't need another one. Oh, that right. Sourdough. Now I know where you get your name, Sourdough. Jesus. So anyways, it says Mateo was ultimately accountable for the demand. And so to meet the demand, she changed her diet. And she came, became exclusively a consumer of beans, eggs, and protein muffins.

One day she had three protein shakes and a large bowl of black beans, soup merely to produce the gas she needed. Wow. Holy God. You know, I'm surprised she didn't do, you know, personalized orders. You know, some freaking Taiwan would be, yeah, could you give me, uh, I like a shrimp fry rice far, please?

Or some guy in Paris is like, oh, yes, could I please get a French croissant fart, please, with blue, Yes, thank you. Yeah, this is Germany calling. I would like, yeah, I would like a Brastvoort, please. October fest is coming. I would like a Bratwurst fart and a potato pancake fart, please. I mean, this is just crazy.

This girl could have done personalized and designer farts. So here we go. luck would have it. Once I put the jars up for sale, they began to sell like hotcake, she said. I honestly could not believe the demand. I think a lot of people have this fetish in secret. I began this venture by eating mostly protein muffins, shakes, and also hard-boiled eggs. Now I got to start wondering, do people really have a fetish? Are there people out there that want to sniff someone else's farts? Maybe that's what the TikTok thing is. Maybe they're all conditioning us to want to be fart sniffers.

You know, I used to like to go hunting. I used to like to go fishing and me and my family used to like to go camping. But now, hell no, we're all hooked on farts. If you wouldn't mind eating a bag of turtle eggs and some coleslaw, maybe slap down some screams. cream spinach there and some buttermilk pancakes, and if we could come by your house in about three hours and collect the bounty. But here's where it went wrong.

Here's where it went wrong. It said, but then, while most of the world was celebrating the new year, Stephanie Mateo had to check herself into the hospital when her lifestyle became unsustainable. She started to have chest pains that resulted in anxiety attacks and ended in retirement. So in other words, she hung up her asshole, I guess. How's work? Oh, I retired. I hung up the old asshole four days ago.

I was having a black bean anxiety attacks. Had to hang the old asshole up and put a cork in it. There will be no more gas jar. for me. She goes, I could tell that something was not right that evening when I was laying in bed and I could feel a pressure in my stomach moving upwards. She said, it was quite hard to breathe, and every time I tried to breathe, I'd feel a pinching sensation around my heart. And that, of course, made my anxiety escalate. Well, do you think it was hard to breathe? Because maybe your ass flap was so loose from doing 30 billion farts into jars and maybe instead of farting now the

gas was just leaking out of your ass and maybe you were in your own cloud of butt stink and you were like passing out girl i mean girl there's for every action there's an equal and opposite reaction there are repercussions and it's just like in your homes you know you have your gas pipe's long enough. Eventually, you know, nature's going to wear them down and you use them enough. You turn on your gas stove. Eventually, a switch is going to wear out and you're just going to get yourself a little old gas leak. Well, that's what probably happened here. You had your calumari ring opening and closing more than a, more than a freezer and a dairy queen. And yeah, you probably were choking on your own, uh, your own byproduct there.

Stinky? Oh, God. So here's where it ends. She goes, I actually called my friend and asked if they could come over to drive me to the hospital because I thought I was experiencing a heart attack. It was made clear that what I was experienced,

wasn't a stroke or a heart attack, but very intense gas pain. Okay, first of all, there's no way anyone came to pick her up. this girl either had to walk to the hospital she had to get an Uber to the hospital or she had to put like some kind of tube in her ass and blow herself to the hospital

with her farts because you know none of her friends are yeah can you come in and take me to the hospital and your head you're like oh my God is this farty farty I got to get in a car with farty like oh you know what I'm busy yeah I can't can't pick you up. Yeah, I just looked at my calendar. Yeah, I'm busy for the rest of my life. Yeah, I'm sorry. But good luck. I hope you get there. Stink. I mean, whatever your name is.

So, good Lord. So now the physicians urged Mateo to change her diet and prescribed her medication to suppress her gas. So in other words, she had to hang an out-of-business sign on her asshole. closed for the season 50% off everything must go our doors are closing our spincter is shutting our asshole is slammed tight and then finally she says it actually comes at a good time because the fart business was both physically and mentally exhausting how mentally exhausting is it to fart We all, everyone does it all day, every day. Even in you sleep, you're farting. If you're mentally exhausted from farting,

you might need to invest in a hockey helmet there, girl. She says, now I'm refocusing my efforts on my fart NFT jar. So great, now she's doing an NFT fart. There's a lot still for me to do in this world, and I'm glad I'm not stopping any time soon. Well, put a plug in it and stop. Put a plug down in that hole and put a plug in that hole and just like a bad fart, float the fuck away, will you?

What is going on? And what's the date today, by the way? Your mama's ass. Oh, it is. Okay, good. I think my fart's getting here on Tuesday. Yeah. Yeah, my merry calendars chicken pop pot.

Uh, I mean, uh, let's, uh, let's do this. Let's look at today's t-shirts. As you know, I draw my own t-shirts. And let's have a look at what I've been up to. And then we'll be right back. And I'm just going to, uh, drink myself a Coke fart right out of this bottle. Oh yeah, here we go. Time for another hand-drawn shirt. by yours truly. And if you don't know, I draw my own t-shirts. I take Sharpie markers and I draw directly on the t-shirt. And if this shirt's still available, you can own it at harbling.com. So let's go ahead and reveal this week's hand-drawn Harlan t-shirt. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, oh, it smells so good.

Oh, my God, that smells like a Burger King Whopper, and a Chick-fil-A-Cale salad fart. Only $700 for this. Oh, oh, excuse me, excuse me. She said, we are back. I got my sidecock, sidecock, whoops of daisy. Don't want one of those. I don't even sleep on my side. I got my sidekick, Sourdough Johnson here.

Are you having fun here, bro? Not a cancer tumor. Yeah, cool, man. I want to end the show with something really cool. You know, I work in the entertainment industry. on tons of movies and TV. I met so many celebrities and so many famous people. I've worked with so many great famous people and whatnot.

And yesterday, I got kind of a little starstruck. I met a celebrity that I never thought I would meet in my life. I never thought I'd be rubbing shoulders with this person. But I ended up at a music festival. and my cousin, who is a musician, my cousin Kevin, he's in a band called The Bare Naked Ladies, he got asked to come to a music festival here in California, out in Pasadena, and he was asked to sit in with a band called the Violent Fams.

And so I live in California, and so we went together to this event, and of course we got backstage passes, and we got artist passes, and we were back in the camp where they had all the different bands. There was one of these outdoor festivals where there was like 20 bands and they each take turns going up and blah, blah, blah.

And so we were hanging out with the Violent Fems and right beside the Violent Femms trailer where they were all situated was Johnny Rotten, the famous legendary punk rock king, Johnny Rotten from the Sex Pistols and now has a band called P-I-L public image incorporated or something like that.

And, you know, this is a guy who love them or hate him. He kind of shook the system up himself and the members of the sex pistols and Malcolm McLaren who sort of kind of came up with the concept of the sex pistols. And they had their incredible hit, God Save the Queen. And it was kind of just a rebellious anthem towards royalty and structure and British hierarchy and all that stuff. And the punk rock movement came along in the 70s and really like shook everything to its foundation, you know, because it was sort of violent and it was kind of edgy and it was like,

you know, in your face and F you, and we don't care about anything. And then people were dressing like, you know, the punk rock and the safety pins through the noses and it was quite you know you know if you live through it like i do it was quite a shock to the system right it was it was like having a bucket of cold water throwing on the whole world no one saw it coming and all of a sudden boom you know we had bands like you know you know like rock and roll bands that you were used to like you know david bowie and led zeppelin and and uh you know all these chicago and the Doobie brothers and the doors, things like that.

And rock and roll always had a rebellious side to it. But when punk rock came along and when it got kicked off by the sex pistols, holy smokes, it just, at its time, it really rocked the music world. And it rocked like society. It kind of moved the needle on things. And it was quite fascinating. I was a little boy when it happened. I think I was like 12 or 9 or 9.

or something or 14. I was a kid, but I remember just seeing pictures and video and movie clips on the news of these punk rock people. And it was pretty wild. And so all these years have gone by and I go to this music festival

and there he is sitting outside. Each of these trailers with the bands had an outside picnic table and all the bands were kind of hanging around. And there's John. Ronnie Rotten. He's just sitting there and, you know, I'm kind of not phased by celebrities and stuff now. And so I just started chatting to the guy. And the guy couldn't have been nicer. Me and him kind of hit it off. And all of a sudden, we're joking around and laughing.

And I took a little video of them. And in the video, you can tell, you'll see me. I'll play it now. It's a video of me telling him to fuck off. But it was in a playful fun way. Like, it's almost like we're old friends. And I was just like, you'll see it. Hit, play the video. Hey, fuck off. Free time. Oh, my God, you too.

Trouble. Out of every touch. Chalk. Oh, look. And so, uh, this is an iconic rock and roll figure that, uh, I don't know. it was sort of like, you know, whenever somebody starts a music movement, like the Beatles or, you know, Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath or Elvis or, you know, whenever somebody comes along and kind of moves the needle and then all the other bands

come in and follow the genre, you know, so it was kind of like when Kirk Cobain kind of pushed the world into the grunge world, you know, grunge music. And it's like, if you met Kirk Cobain, you'd probably have the same reaction. And so it was quite the thrill and quite fun to meet Johnny Rotten. And I don't know. It's just, I find life is really weird because the night before I was in Boulder, Colorado doing a show at a theater. I was at a big theater in Boulder. And by the way, shout out to Boulder, Colorado.

Thank you, everybody, for coming out. you're absolutely fantastic and the venue, the Boulder Theater and all the people involved with it put on a great event and we had a great turnout and I got a standing ovation which just touched my heart. Thank you everybody. And I'll tell you one other person that was there that I find quite interesting when I finish this story. So I went from being in Boulder, Colorado.

I flew out the next morning at 6 a.m. I'm working on like four hours sleep. I have to meet my cousin in Los Angeles. We drive out to the event. I was almost thinking I'm not going because I was so sleep deprived. And then I go, let's just go, and we go. And I went from being in Boulder, Colorado,

to suddenly hanging out with Johnny Rocket. Johnny Rotten, sorry. Johnny Rocket is a hamburger. restaurant. I'd like to go to Johnny Rockets with Johnny Rotten and see what happens. But that's just, it made me go, God, life is weird. And then later that night, after we went to the music festival where I saw Berlin and the psychedelic furs and Devo and the church and the violent fams and it was just wild, then we went from that right to the comedy store on Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles and I went up and even though I was drained and I was tired

and it was a super long day. I went up and did a set for the folks and it was one of those kind of magical sets where it just sort of killed and oh it was just uh it's interesting. I had to go over to right aid, my love, get a sleep apnea machine. Have you seen these, my love? You put them on your face and they help you breathe. Anyone here on sleep apnea? Where are you, gang? Sir, you look like you probably have.

You look like you might sleep hanging upside down with English muffins on your eye. So any time you think life is predictable and you know what's going to happen, just sit back, enjoy the ride, and know that you're going to have days where things change and when things are exciting and fun and unpredictable, and it's just the beauty of life.

Now, here's the last story I'm going to tell, and I better have a big swig of my customized fatt juice. Another example of how life can take wild twists and turns. So I'm doing this show out in Boulder, Colorado. And before I go, about a week before I go, I get an email to my fan page. and I read it, and it said, hey, Harlan, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm an astronaut, and I was on the last shuttle mission into outer space.

And I grew up, I didn't grow up, but my family grew up, and I watched your movie Rocket Man. I have three children, and one of our family favorite things to do was to watch Rocket And if you don't know, Rocket Man is a Disney movie I did way back when, and it's about me being the first astronaut to go to Mars. And you know what? I wonder if Elon Musk watches that movie. I bet Elon, if you're watching and you watched Rocket Man because it's about the first trip to Mars, manned mission to Mars, I want you on my podcast, dude. But anyways, this gentleman, He sent me a picture to my fan page of his Rocket Man DVD.

And guess what he wrote? He goes, Harland, I love this movie so much that when I went into outer space, I took the DVD with me. And this guy, his name's Ron, he stuck the DVD to the window of the space station and took a picture of it with planet Earth in the background. and I'm going to put that up there for you. And I'm also going to, this astronaut also wrote a book. His name's Ron, and I'm blanking on his last name because I just met him,

but I'm going to put a picture of his book up here, and you can order it. And also you can see a picture of the DVD. And you can see Earth in the background, and he signed the DVD. And there's a picture of me with his family. We met after the show, and he was the nicest guy. And despite all the stuff about Rocket Man, I'm just enamored and impressed with the concept of a man

who dedicated his life to going into space, because to me that's more fascinating than anything. And I was so impressed and so honored and so touched that this gentleman who's obviously very smart and an astronaut and that he took the time to reach out to me, to do that,

and it's very weird. It's a weird feeling to know that in some obscure way, even though I've never been personally to space, that DVD that contains me on a movie has been to outer space. And so in a weird kind of, I don't know,

connect seven degrees of Kevin Bacon in a weird little way, I guess I've been to outer space in the most obscure sense. I mean, just to have anything of your person, a photograph or an item or a trinket to be in outer space, let's face it, it's a very limited number of items

that have been into orbit. If you compare it to everything we have in this world where we have trillions and trillions and trillions of belongings and things and this and that. So what an honor. And my thanks to Ron for doing that. It's just really meant a lot to me and very special, very special. So thank you for that. And I think that's a great place to end on right there today's podcast.

I really do. I think it's a way. Well, I think maybe we have. And speaking of space, space, space, the final frontier, these are the voyages of my big, greasy nipples. They're five-year mission to reach out and squirt. When an old man is squirt, okay, I'm tip, shh, sourdough. But, hey, check out if you're a fan of what I'm doing here,

and you want to see more. You want to see bonus stuff. You want to see more of my t-shirts. You want to see some of my wacky videos. Please join my Patreon page. I have a Patreon page where it's a digital platform. You can join up for like $5 a month or more, whatever you decide.

And you'll get bonus Harland Williams material. Also, please subscribe. If you haven't subscribed, subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast. Tell your friends to subscribe. The more people we get on board, the more we can do. The more fun we can have, the bigger we can make it. Also, don't forget to go to harbling.com

if you're interested in one of my original hand-drawn t-shirts or if you would like a print. We have beautiful prints of all. I think I'm up over 110, 120 different images now that I've drawn. So go on Harbling. I'm sure you'll find a cool, cool. t-shirt that you'll like. We have funny ones. We have artsy-fartsy ones. We have scary ones. I do all kinds of different genres. I like to experiment.

And then also go to Harlandwilliams.com and check my stand-up comedy schedule to see if I'm coming to your town or city. And you can also find other merch on there. Some of the books I've written, my latest book Crave, is now out if you like Twilight Zone. style stories. I have two books out. One's called Don't Look Under the Bad, and my latest one's called Crave, and you can get those at Amazon.com, or go to HarlemWilliams.com and just check out the link, and you're off to the races, baby. So I think that's it. I think we covered everything here today. There's obviously more to cover, but we'll get there. We'll get to the rest of the world. But right now I've got to do two things. I've got to go

tick talk, tick talk, tick talk, and I got to go check the mailbox to see if my fart in a jar has arrived because it's one of those nights where I just want to watch sex in the city, eat a bowl of cheese puffs, and sniff my fart in a jar. Oh, welcome to the United States of America. It's Saturday night, and I'm going to do me some farts niffing. Oh, dude. Oh, whoa, what is that? Is that a Pillsbury Crescent Roll?

Oh, bro. That's it for today. Thank you sincerely. Love having you here on the Harland Highway podcast. It's been a blast, and hope we see you next time. And until next time, on behalf of Sourdough Johnson and myself, Chicken, Chalmaine, baby. P-U. That's going to be $60, bitch.