The Harland Highway - The NEW Harland Highway - Johnny Depp trial, Rescue dogs, and UFO's!

Episode Date: May 25, 2022

Harland breaks down the Depp trial. The guilt of rescue dogs, UFO's and back rubs! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams. Yep. Uh-huh. That's right. Here we go. You are on the Harland Highway podcast right here, right now. the only place you want to be the only place that really matters and uh let's get into it

shall we so dainty so dainty off the top it's almost like uh respectful invite shall we shall we podcast yes we shall why shouldn't we we shall i already said we shall shall we yes we shall rescue dogs. We all love them. We all love dogs. We all love critters. There's maybe a few people out there that hate dogs. There's always somebody that doesn't like something. But for the most part, there's certain things people like, like baby chicks and baby bunnies and dogs, right? So there's a sacked of dog called a rescue dog. And I don't know where you live. I don't know what you do. I don't know who your neighbors are, but I'm going to find out.

But I think you've heard the term rescue dog. It seems like everywhere you go nowadays, everyone's got a rescue dog. Oh, where'd you get your dog from a breeder? Nope, she's a rescue dog. Oh, okay. Hey, where'd you get your dog from a pet store? Nope, he's a rescue dog. You don't get dogs anywhere else.

You got to rescue them. That seems to be the narrative these days. right? You almost feel guilty. You get guilted out if you don't have a rescue dog. And I love dogs, man. I've had dogs. I've had three, four, five dogs throughout my life. I love them.

I love the little jenksons, the little furry freaks. But you almost get the look of scorn nowadays if you don't have a rescue dog. If you don't say, oh yeah, she's a rescue dog. People are like, okay. they give you the De Niro nod of approval

they're like okay yeah but you know and I keep thinking of this term rescue dog I mean rescue is a big word rescue is a dramatic

word rescue when you hear the word rescue you you picture a family floating out in the ocean on a rubber dinghy eating each other's legs you know barely staying alive. How'd you stay alive out there?

Well, on day 324, Billy snatched a flying fish out of the sky with his black scurvy infested gums. And on day 729, we ate my wife. I mean, it's like, you know, rescue, you know, it kind of paints this picture of, of someone buried under an avalanche or a plane wreckage

or an apartment fire but then you kind of uncover the bushes for the old rescue dog and you say well where exactly did you rescue this dog fair lady oh well she was at the Humane Society and I walked in and there he was

he was sitting in a clean cage with a bowl full of fresh food and kibble and clean drinking water. And all the people at the Humane Society were jumping circles around him, making sure he was healthy and giving him his injections and covering with flea powder, making sure he had a little blanket to sleep on. I mean, this rescue was so harrowing. I had to take therapy. I'm like, wait a minute, you rescued a dog from a place,

that sounds almost like doggy hotel motel type of thing. Oh, no, it was a rescue. If you could have seen the poor little fellow's eyes. It was as if he was on death row. He was on the green mile. Take my paw, boss. Take my paw, boss. Right, remember the guy on the green mile?

Take my hand, boss. But now you got like a Labrador retriever, Poodle, take my paw boss. He's reaching through the cage at the Humane Society. Take my paw boss. And then he yawns and flies come out. No. No, no, no.

Look, I'm sympathetic towards dogs. I love dogs. I'm sympathetic towards dogs in the Humane Society. Thank God for the Humane Society. And shelters that take them in. But let's be honest, a lot of these rescues, dogs are coming from these places. And of course, there's a story before they got to the place.

Okay, maybe they were abused. Maybe they were chained up in the yard and had no dog house. Maybe they were Malnouris. Sure. Sure, that's a rescue. But I don't know. You almost get the feeling when people say, oh, I have a rescue dog. Oh, do tell us the story.

How did you rescue your dog? Well, I was climbing Mount Everest, and we finally crested after 17 days of 300 below zero weather. We had to fight off 22 Yetis and bigfoots. One of us rolled down the hill and had to climb all the way back up. And when we finally crested Mount Everest, there it was a little lapsu-absu, an adobeman pincer and a Dalmatian. They were shivering in the cold. They were standing on the peak of Mount Everest,

just shivering in the cold. And in that moment, I knew it was incumbent on me. To rescue the little canines. Oh, yes, I bundled them up, and I gave them my own oxygen mask. I could barely breathe. I almost died five times. I put my oxygen on the snout of the, the little absu-lapsu and the shitsu and the chihua-h-h-h-h-h-h-h.

And I sacrificed my own mortality in order to rescue those dogs from the freezing blustery crest of the great Mount Everest. And on the way down, I punched a big foot right in the twat just to get around it because I had to save my wiener dog from the altitudes of hell. I mean, I don't know. Can we dial back and can we notch it down

with the rescue term of it there, nacho? Can we get the volume switch and dial it back from rescue to maybe, you know, used to be I got this dog from the pound. I think we get it. I think we understand. the ramifications and the implications of a dog pound of a humane society. I think we know that the dogs are kind of lost or on their last legs.

And I don't want a bunch of people going, you hate rescue dogs. You don't understand rescue. Yeah, I do. I've had dogs. I love dogs. I know people with dogs. I know people with rescue dogs. I'm just saying it's starting to feel a little pretentious.

okay you go over to someone's house and you can't just say oh yeah we uh we knew some people down in the valley yeah they're their dog you know they didn't have them spaded so you know all night long they're out in the yard copulating or having doggy style sex you know and they're just pounding away and next thing you know you know one day we're having a barbecue and there's 14 puppies out on the lot and we're like what the hell are we going to do hey let's call up some friends Hey, you want a puppy? I got a beautiful bulldog And I got a pity

And how about a collie and a poodle? Oh yeah, my, my bitch is a little promiscuous Oh yeah, we got all kinds of puppies Come on over and pick one out Pick out the run to the litter if you want You know, that's the way it used to be Just these fun stories But now everything's, everybody's so dramatic nowadays

It's like getting a dog You have to go to acting school and become Marlon Brando, you know? Well, let me tell you the story of how I rescued ginger snaps here. I was digging underground in Egypt. We found an old crypt, a tomb, possibly dating back to 40,000 years before Jesus Christ walked the earth. And as we chattled through the underground tomb and the darkness, There's nothing but are flame tortures to guide the way.

Suddenly, there in the shadows, there in the shadows beneath the esophagus and the sycophagus and the hieroglyphics, we heard a whimper coming from the blackness. We were like, what was that? Could that be a schnauzer? A whippet, perhaps? perhaps an ancient Egyptian wingawonga dog. And as we persevered through the darkness, there it was, huddled in all the treasure, a dog that had been neglected since before the times of the Son of our Lord,

the Holy Lamb, sweet Savior, sweet Holy Christ, Jesus himself. And we picked the little bundle of joy up And we brought them out into the light Out into the sunlight For the first time in 50,000 years This little pup had been deprived of all the normal salis We normaleslees The normalese, I don't know the word,

The normal lead of all the things that we take for granted Yes, little swizzletunks my poor little underground puppy rescued from the catacombs of Egypt. I mean, come on, man. Can you just tell me you picked up the dog over at the mall? Yeah, I was over at the mall picking up some victorious secrets. And, you know, I went into the discovery store and bought a flashlight that looks like a dinosaur egg. and then I stopped by Orange Julius for the orange juice with the foam on the top,

you know, because I don't like my orange juice unless it's got a good head on it. And I walk into the parking garage, and all of a sudden I passed a puppy mart. Who knew they had a dog puppy store right in the mall? And there he was in the window. A beautiful golden retriever, $300. I brought him. I took him home. and he had a sip of my orange julius he loves orange julius

can we have any of those stories anymore huh or a friend had a bunch of puppies and get to we have to do the whole rescue thing you know 9-1-1 much your emergency yeah i've got a puppy down i think he's having an asthma attack can you send someone over who's looking for a dog I don't want a 911 rescue guy. I just want to get them a good home. So if you know someone that can come over and give my little puppy mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and if they can revive them, if they can bring the little scamp back to life, it's theirs.

So, rescue puppy. I mean, it almost makes you want to have a story. If I buy a rescue puppy, you know I'm going to climb up a dog, giant redwood, put some rock climbing gear on my dog, and I'm going to dangle them. And I'm going to slowly cut the rope. And I don't want to sound cruel. He's not going to get hurt. But I'm going to bring him right to the edge of disaster.

And I'm going to slowly, how are you doing down there, muggle wumps? Huh? Yeah? Yeah, you want to come home with that? You want a nice, happy hum? Well, I got to rescue you first. Just to, oh, there goes another strand. Just one strand left.

And then you're going to drop 300 feet to the ground. Snip. Oh, I got it. I got the rope. I rescued you, buddy. I rescued you. Right? Or in the middle of the night, you put your dog in the backseat of your car

and light your car on fire. Just so you can go rescue them. Hey, honey, get the camera. Get the camera. Catch me, get me a dragon cornmeal out of the back of the burning Prius here. So good for you if you got a rescue dog, but I don't know. I'm just hearing it all over the place.

Rescue dog, rescue dog, rescue dog, everything's a rescue. And you can't make people feel guilty if they don't have a rescue dog. Okay. Oh, yoy, yoy. Rescue my face with a delicious sizzling cocaule, boy. oh man i mean i'll rescue just about anything right there and speaking of rescue i guess i should rescue your eyes a little bit and uh peel open the old meat chamber and give you folk a

little peek of my rescue chest uh huh well now that's right um and speaking of dogs which take a lot of grooming. I want to talk about us now. Can we switch gears to the humans? Are the dog people okay if we stop talking about the dogs for a second? Do you think we can talk about us for a minute? Please. That's the other thing, man.

Dog people, they like to keep the focus on the dog, don't they? Wow. They get, uh, dog people get locked in, man. And, uh, you got to, you got to watch how you step around dog people. So, but let's talk about not grooming dogs, but grooming people. And the reason I'm bringing it up is because this, this doesn't happen, gang, you know, this doesn't happen just naturally.

Let me try and do some model faces here, suck my cheeks in. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy. be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy, or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harlan to check out. That's Harlan. H-A-R-L-A-N. at Adam and Eve.com.

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Hello, can I offer you a cigarette? Or perhaps you'd like to come back to my room I'll bake you a seven-layer lasagna. Okay. So grooming, this is a tough thing to do, and it's probably one of the worst parts of human grooming,

but where are these things? Here they are. Oh, my God. Let me show you something. See these? See these things? Good Lord. Yeah.

Tweezers, tweezers, and you know where these tweezers go, right? Uh-huh, right up the old schnaz. And it's part of human grooming. Sometimes you got to get in there and do some deep tissue yanking. It's not fun. But, you know, I realized when you yank the nose hairs, and we all do it, even if your girls, I bet eventually at some point you yanked the nose hairs.

I'll tell you dudes do it. And yeah, you can buy those little machines that twirl around in your nose, the nose tornadoes or whatever they call them. If you really want to get in there and get the hidden ones, you got to dig around a little with these. And what's interesting is there's only a few things in life that can make you cry, right?

There's your emotions, there's pain, there's an onion, and there's these, gang, right? There are these. Have you ever pull the nose hair out of your freaking nose? Yeah. Your eyes will start watering almost to me. be chewing on a Spanish onion. When you go to pluck your nose hairs and you start, you might as well just go eat a Spanish onion or go to a funeral and flip the lid open

and see the stiffy inside or just go step on a nail with your bare feet because you are going to cry. This will make you cry and I'm telling you guys, maybe you can use it to your advantage. Keep these in your pocket. You know, on your jeans, you got the two pockets on the front, but then you get that, on most blue jeans, you get that weird little extra pocket, that mini pocket right below your belt line. It's always on the right side.

That's a cool little place you can stash these. And the next time you get into it with your girlfriend, the next time you have an emotional conversation or an argument, or something, an altercation or a confrontation, and you want to kind of end it? Or you wanted to see that you're sympathetic or that you're understanding or that you actually have emotions as a man?

Boom. Let's say we pull these out of, let's rename the pocket, huh? The nose plucker pocket. Right? Oh, yes. Honey, I understand, yes. You went to the mall

and the dress you wanted was gone and the shoes you wanted were sold out? Oh my goodness, excuse me for a minute. I think I have to sneeze. Bing! I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry that the shoes

weren't there you wanted. What's that? Yes, I'm crying. We should lay down and you should rub my naked body and give me a full body massage. then we should make love passionately for hours? Okay, if that helps you with your shoes. Yes, yes, we can do it all, mate.

Yes. Pong, pang, pang, pang, pang. What? You want to bring your gorgeous model friend to? Well, if you have to, baby, I'm just concerned about your shoes. What? You want to bring her other friend to? Oh, okay.

I'm so sorry, the shoes were sold out. Right? Oh, my God. And I'm not trying to be an a-hole, ladies. But, you know, let's be honest, in the dynamic of human relationships, not just the ladies, but men react to tears as well. Women can do this too, if you want.

But let's be honest, I think women know how to cry or can be moved to tears a lot easier the men. Men just, it's harder for us. It takes us longer to get there. And so this is a beautiful crying tool to keep in your crybaby pocket on your jeans. And not just during a relationship. Like I said earlier, what if you were at a funeral? And you go and you didn't really care for the person like he was your uncle and everyone else loved him. But when you were a kid, he hit you in the head with a frying pan or he pushed you in the lake or he called you a name and you're at the

funeral and you're the only one not crying and everyone's like oh oh harry we all loved harry so much did you love harry so much harland uh excuse me oh yeah harry oh yeah harry i love harry so much I love Harrison. I mean, it's just a tip. I'm like the new Martha Stewart. I'm like the new Martha Stewart, except I'm not afraid to do this the way Martha Stewart's afraid to do this. And no, I am not plucking one of these.

Okay, I will not pluck a chesty. Okay, I'll give you a nosy because that serves a problem. purpose. That creates emotion. And the human machine is emotional. And I'm just saying if you need instant emotion and an extreme emotion like crying, which is hard to manufacture this, but I will not, no, this makes me cry. This will probably put me in the hospital and the emergency ward. Like a, no way. They're longer. They're right in the middle of my chest plate. I think if I pulled one of these out, part of my face would cave in. I think it would collapse.

I think these, I don't know how deep into my flesh they go, but I think there's some kind of like a root system like you see in the forest or fungus and moss, how there's a tapestry of roots, and there's an interwoven plant life freeway underneath the earth's soil. And I start plucking chest hairs and my moneymaker caves in. Uh-uh, not happening. I'll do it for a fee. But do you think I'm just going to pull a chesty to amuse you?

Okay, okay, let's do. Faking. I faked it. Almost as good acting as the rescue puppy acting. Oh, we must get Seymour off the burning building. Oh, jump, little Chihuahua, jump. What's that? A nice cream truck.

Oh, oh, whoops, sorry, I missed you, old chum. And speaking of emotions, this hurts, man, because look, we're humans. All of you watching are humans. I think you are, although there might be aliens amongst us, and I'm going to talk about aliens and UFOs shortly. But for right now, I want to switch gears. I want to switch gears in the most German way. I want to switch gears and talk about the human emotions

we all harbor deep inside. And the way I'm going to do this is I'm going to reference the Johnny Depp-Aprin-Hurd trial. Now, I don't know if you've all been watching it. I think we've all seen snippets of it. We've all seen the little clips of it. And I'm not going to retry the whole trial. I'm not going to go through all the he said she said.

I'll let you draw your own conclusions. But what I'm going to talk about is beyond and before all the media circus and the legal circus and the court proceedings. and talk about the human emotion side of it. And it's tough. The hardest part for me to watch when I've seen little snippets, I'm not watching it on TV, but I see little snippets of the trial when I'm scrolling,

if I'm watching Instagram feed or TikTok. There's tons of it. People are obsessed with it. And that's what inspired me to talk about it here today. But the hardest part for me isn't watching Amber Herds, acting. And Amber heard up there, you know, with her theatrics. She's probably angling for a rescue dog. I'm surprised she's not up there. Oh, Johnny beat me. Johnny did this. Johnny did that. If only I had a rescue dog, I could have made it through. No, that's not fair. Listen, one thing I will

say, and I'm not taking Amber's side or Johnny's side, you know, you never know, what the real story is. No matter which way you lean, no matter how sympathetic or how charmed you are by either side, whether you're enamored with Johnny or you're enamored with Amber or you hate Amber or you hate Johnny, you weren't there. None of us were there. And it's hard sometimes because you form your opinions and you pick your sides and you go, oh, definitely Johnny's the good guy in this and Amber this. And you know, it's certainly, in my opinion, doesn't look good for Amber. There's been a lot of contradictions and all this and that, but none of us know, unless you're really there. And that's the hard part of this, is watching this kind of circus play out of

their very, very personal lives, their most intimate moments. I mean, think about it. How many of you people watching would want your private moments like that rolled out for the world to see and ridicule and judge and comment on. Wow. It wouldn't be easy. And very private, intimate, passionate moments with swearing and yelling and accusations and this and that. And you get this whole sort of muddy mess of these two.

And of course, they're highly public figures. and you start to wonder, is this whole thing really about finding out who did what? Or is it just really to satiate the public's insatiable lust for gossip and soap opera drama and the dirty laundry of the rich and the famous or just the famous or the famous or the well-known? It's just, I think we're all a little guilty of window shopping, right? We all just kind of go, okay, yeah, okay, I don't mind watching this, as long as it's not me, you know, I'm okay watching these people get literally dragged through the mud.

Oh, sure, it's their life. You make your own bed, you got to sleep in it, right? But still, us humans have a hunger, a hunger for this type of stuff. And it's not a pretty side of us. But here's where I'm going. Where I wanted to end up is the saddest part of all of this for me. And I think maybe mostly all of us have experienced this. They showed some pictures during the trial where, or maybe they weren't during the trial, but I saw them somewhere.

And they were photographs of Johnny and Amber when they first met. When they were madly in love with each other, when the butterflies were inside of them. And that magical, mystical, velvet coating of love was wrapped around both of them, right? And you know what I'm talking about? That's an energy you can feel, you can see it, you can sense it. And that's the same with all of us. and here's photographs and videos of these two hugging and staring in each other's eyes and they're dressed up and they're holding each other and then those early throngs of love

and lust and excitement and need and connectivity and all the great things that love bring. And if you've been in love and I hope you have, it's probably the best feeling on planet Earth. I don't know if there's anything better when you're full on in love. And so to see these people, and let's be honest, two very beautiful people, Johnny's as handsome as it gets, Amber is stunningly beautiful, especially back then when she was a little younger, she was even more beautiful than she is now, still beautiful. And you see these people enamored with each other and in love with each other,

and we've all been there. we've all been in that moment where you lock eyes with someone and you're in that force field where it feels like you're the only two in the world and all you see is you with them going forward through eternity and through the rest of your mortal days and oh one day we're going to go to the Grand Canyon and one day we're going to go to Paris and one day we're going to go to Tibet and one day we're going to rescue a poodle off the edge of the universe right and you've got this energy that you can't bottle it, you can't buy it, you can't manufacture it, it just comes. And the hardest part of this whole debacle for me was to see that in their faces,

that beautiful reciprocal love, that beautiful emotion channeling between them. And you know what it's like, you can't keep your hands off that other person. You're at a restaurant, you've got to have your hand on their leg, or you've got to be touching their arm with your arm or you've got to constantly be touching them or you lean in for a kiss or you say an affectionate word and it just really is so sad

because that's how we start off and that's how they started off and then time ticks by TikTok TikTok right and things start to change and that energy starts to change and the feelings start to change and all of a sudden

three years later, 10 years later, 12 years later here's these two beautiful entities that probably went to bed and woke up every morning thinking I can't live without this other entity this other mass of molecule and fiber and bone and flesh and spirit and everything. energy, I can't function without them. And cut to now, these horrible accusations and the things that they may have done to each other,

the violence, the drug use, the abuse, the verbal abuse, and Johnny Depp can't even look up at this woman that at one time he probably couldn't take his eyes off of. He was probably so riveted as we've all been with partners we've had. in our lives. And I get why he's doing it. He's making a point. He doesn't want to give to her the energy. I think I understand his psychology.

She's taken a lot from him, money-wise, and his career and his reputation. And I can say he may have taken things from her too. I'm not trying to one-side this thing. But he probably psychologically went, you know what? the only thing left that I can use to hurt her or deprive her of is as he said in the trial, looking in my eyes, ever seeing my eyes again.

And put yourself in Amber's shoes. That is pretty tough. If you rewind the tape to what I talked about when things started and it was the most beautiful thing in life and now this living, breathing organism that you, you were just, you adored, you would have probably taken a bullet for, won't even look up and acknowledge you exist. And if that's Johnny's ploy to stick it to her, holy smokes, it's effective, it's good. And she even said something about it on her last few moments up on the stand there.

She said something to the effect. He won't even look at me. He won't even so you know it got to her. And in a way, if Johnny feels that that justifies payback, then I guess he's allowed to do it. Is it cruel? Is it mean? Maybe, but did she do a bunch of cruel and mean things to him?

Maybe, yes. Again, none of us know. We can all sit here and say, oh, you know, the judge said this and the lawyer said that and the friend said this and the chauffeur said that and Johnny's finger flew off and poked me in the eye and you don't know. You don't know. You really don't know. You can guess. You can put the pieces together and you can have assumptions and you can have conclusions. But unless you are in that room, what really happened? Can you say with certainty? You can't.

but in a court, I guess they try to prove certain things, but you remember the OJ trial? Do you remember this trial? You remember that trial? How many trials, how many justice system bloopers have occurred? And so just circling back to not to be a Debbie Downer, I don't want to bring you so down, you have to run out and get a rescue dog, for God's sake.

Harlem brought me down so much. just had to climb up this volcano and snatch this poodle. It was about to jump in. It had razor blades in its paws. It looked suicidal, but I rescued it. I rescued it because Harlan's podcast got so damn depressing. This isn't about depressing you. If anything, maybe it's to remind you about where everything started.

And maybe if you're going through a conflict in your life with a partner, or maybe you're going through a tough spot with someone in your life, in your love life? Is there a way you can rewind? You can look back and just remember the beauty and the ecstasy of those opening moments, the time when you started, when you were attracted to each other?

It's tough, man. It's tough to see something so big, beautiful, with so much hope and potential, de-evolve into a place where the only way these two ex-lovers can communicate is through fucking lawyers, who when you need them are the greatest thing in the world, but even when you need them, can you believe talking to the love of your life through another human being and in the most sort of passive-aggressive way? it's a bit of a human tragedy that this is where a lot of us end up. A lot of us have to go through.

And, you know, despite whatever Amber did to Johnny or Johnny did to Amber, my goodness, we're all fragile human beings, aren't we? And to live at an accentuated level of life being an A-list, movie star and a screen, a screen queen like Amber. It just takes things to another level. And to see them have to go through all this. It's tough. It's the tough side of us human beings that we get to these places.

Wish it could be different. Because, you know, what happens is you go through these pinnacles, these moments, and eventually you roll through them and get to the other side, and you look back at them and you go, what a waste. What a waste of my time. What a waste of my energy. Why did we do all that? And then you've got to carry around and harbor this kind of bad energy and this storm you went through for the rest of your life and hope it doesn't affect you and oh it's just sloppy god after saying all this i really think i might need a rescue dog i think i might need the biggest fucking rescue dog ever bred i think i might need a st bernard or a great dane rescue dog

is there a great dane that maybe i had a canoe accident and went over some some falls you know and he was struggling for his life and I'd jump in and grab him and is there a, is there some kind of deliverance dog that went down the river and is there, can I get a dog to fell out of a helicopter

to help me? You know what? I think this is a good time. Someone get me the, you know what? Someone get me the, where's my, where's my nose tweezers? I'm getting emotional. I got a cry.

Get the teeth. Get the emotional. This is for Johnny Depp. And this is for Amber Heard. And this is for all of us. This is for all of humanity. This is for Africa. This is for Russia.

North America now. South America. Here's one for Greenland. Nobody cares about greenland, but there's people there too. Oh, that's a long one and it's green. uh someone get someone now get me some koki koli because uh holy moly i need me some koki koli i think that should be their new ad slogan right before i cut away this is what i hate about modern day advertising it's so flashy it's so over the top it's so overdone it's so if you

ever watched one of these uh super bowl commercials there's there's so much going on You don't even care about the product. Nothing sticks in your head. Do you remember one Super Bowl commercial? They try to get so flashy and big. But how about just a goofy guy, like a hillbilly somewhere, sitting on a rocking chair going,

Holy moly, I need me some Coca-Cola. Hell yeah, now let's go. Get me some caffeine. Right? Holy moly, get me some Koki Koli. Yeah. And let's get some fresh sizzling

beef to go with that Koki Koli. Let's take a little break here. We are going to look at my hand-drawn t-shirts for this week. As you know, I draw my own t-shirts with my hand right on the T-shirt. And I like to show them to you because, you know, it's my little artistic flair

and I want you to see them. So let's take a look right now at my latest creations. Oh, yeah, here we go. Time for another hand-drawn shirt by yours truly. And if you don't know, I draw my own t-shirts. I take Sharpie markers and I draw directly on the t-shirt. And if this shirt's still available, you can own it at harbleng.com. So let's go ahead and reveal this week's hand-drawn Harlan T-shirt.

All right, everybody, here we go. Here's today's hand-drawn Harland Williams' original shirts. Our first one is just this weird guy. I call him casual guy. It's kind of sort of a weird zombie dude with a polo shirt on. I don't know. There's something about them that's just sort of creepy, but also relax.

So I call him casual guy. And then over here, this shirt's called condominium life. It's kind of a play on words, obviously. Condom-shaped high-rise condos. And, yeah, that's today's Harlan Williams' hand-drawn shirts. Casual guy and condominium life. Get them well, they're hot.

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, come on. Thank you. No, no, that, yeah, we're, we, oh, we, we, we are back. We are back. I hope you enjoyed the T-shirts, and, man, we're having a good one today. It got a little, got a little deep there for a minute, talking about the human condition.

But like I said, I think you're all humans watching. but I suspect there's probably a few alien life forms that want to check in on the Harland Highway. I wouldn't blame them. It's a... It's a very informative and cool place to be. So, uh, all aliens. You are welcome to watch my podcast.

Gibblety gorp, slingled-glink, bumble-de-duncle-blark, Gimble-Sklerk, Fling-Dirk, Gumbble-de-blump, blimpel-Dirk. Whatever that means. means. But I wanted to talk about this because there's been a lot of like news lately about UFOs. And, you know, I don't know if you believe in them.

You probably should, but I'm not going to tell you what to do. I'm not going to sit here and wigger my finger at you and say, boy, now you better believe in extraterrestrials or daddy going to come over there with a canoe paddle and wipe you upside your backside son oh we're going to stuff you down in the root cellar we're going to make you eat raw brussels for about three weeks and then we're going to make you come upstairs climb up the electrical pole and play with the electricity now son and if you get fried if you get country fried or city fried or if you get sizzled like an old mixed-up squirrel Well, that's your penance for not believing in the old extraterrestrial rails.

What the hell am I? I think I got to do up a button for that one. Yeah, you just, you guys just lost a little meat on that exchange. But, yeah, there's been a lot of, you know, they've been having some things in Congress where they've been showing footage of UFOs flying around and weird objects. and people testifying.

And, you know, I believe there's something out there. I really do. But what I don't really buy into is these conspiracies or these theories that the aliens have been here. And the proof is, you ready for this? The pyramids. The pyramids of Egypt and the crop circles of Iowa. Yeah, let's go to exotic northern Africa

and make some, pointy buildings, and then, I don't know, the nights early, why don't we whisk off to Central USA and swirl around in some cobs of corn? We'll make some crop circles. Let's go down to planet Earth and do some donuts. I mean, we are a highly intelligent species from trillions of galaxies away. We're so advanced. Why don't we put up some triangle buildings and then we'll whisk off and do some donuts and Uncle crinkles cornfield. I mean, I don't know, man. I'm really not convinced that, you know,

if you're coming in from three trillion galaxies away on a spaceship that goes in smoother than a proctologist's scalpel, I mean, really? you're coming to planet Earth to the desolate desert and you're putting up three pointy buildings, but your ships made out of, you know, Kevlar, Sklark, Dink, blingledi-dunk, meteor Greece. You know, your ships made out of elements

that don't exist within 20 zillion galaxies between us. And then you're going to come to planet Earth and make pointy buildings with the most basic buildings, building, I don't know what you call it. Building, what's the word? The most basic, oh man, I wonder if I'm getting blocked by aliens right now. The most basic building, not tools. I know you guys know this.

You're way ahead of me. The most basic construction materials. I don't know if that's it. But anyways, what I'm talking about is building, pointing buildings with rock, okay, chunks of rock, bricks of rock. Really? Your spaceship can fly through a black hole, come out the other side with turtle wax on it, and aliens partying on the hood, and you're going to come to, you're going to come to Earth and use the most basic elements to build pointy buildings? Let's just make them out of rocks. Why way stars?

skivlar, scolilar. We'll just use materials from this strange planet and let's take all this time to cut thousands and thousands of bricks and stack them. And when they just like, like put down three like, you know, Kevlar pointy thing? I don't know. And then all of a sudden now they're over in Minnesota,

and they're over in Wisconsin. They're down there in Arkansas, landing their ships and doing donuts, making circles. What kind of message is that? Oh, let's go down to you. Let's go down to Earth and let's put them on notice. Let's let them know that we're out here.

Yeah, well, let's, uh, what can we do to intimidate them? And, uh, what's a good warning sign? Wait a minute. Circles? How about some circles? I mean, if that doesn't fuck them up, I don't know what. Well, let's put some circles down. You know what I mean?

And then you got these people that claim they've seen aliens and they've been abducted and they're scared of them. And what would you do? If you're out in your cornfield in the middle of the night, just whistling and listening to the cicadas have sex, Yeah, that's a mating call, okay? Cicadas, when they make that noise, it's a mating call. Trust me, I tried it.

I walked up to a woman in the park the other day. She was sitting on a bench. I merely walked up to her. I said, excuse me, ma'am. She called the police. Can a guy be romantic anymore? Can't a guy woo a woman anymore? E!

Anyhow, I tell you what, if one of these aliens came out and you know what they look like, right? They got that big goofy head with the coconut cream pie eyes and they get that giant forehead. I mean, bigger than Charday. Ever seen that singer, Charday? Smooth operator. Coast to coast, LA to Chicago, right? I'm not being mean.

I'm just being factual. That woman might have the biggest, longest, widest forehead on planet Earth. And these aliens, they got the same thing going on. They got the full charday. They got the bongo eyes. They got the charday.

And I'll tell you what else they got. They got them long digits. Okay, look at my little koala fingers. Now add, you know, six stories. Have you seen the aliens with their elongated asparagus fingers? Like if I was an alien, my finger would come to here. Okay, you've seen them. I don't know what kind of gear shifts they have on their ships,

but for some reason they got, and I wonder how many of them have killed themselves picking their noses. But I'll tell you what, If those guys got off a ship and I'm out my cornfield, just wandering around, looking for cicada love. And these guys open their door and the light comes out and they come walking out, sklarkty-blarkty, sklarkle-blark. And they got those giant string bean, greeny fingers. I'm ripping my shirt off, man.

I'm ripping my shirt off. I'm grabbing a jar of Newman's own like oil and vinegar salad dressing or something. And I'm laying down on the back of my John Deer and I'm pouring it and I'm saying, massage me, you green bean fingered freak. Get those long, creepy squid fingers of yours and rub me down. Give me a Swedish deep tissue massage, you extraterrestrial, freaky, bean fingered, fucked up monster from hell. I'm telling you, man, I'm not letting those fingers go to wait.

Can you imagine the massage you would get from those freaks? Oh, my God. I'd feel like your skin was moving around like a glacier on the back of Greenland. Wow. Yeah, just oil me up there, Chief. Yeah, oh yeah, right there, right there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Oh, right there, get my scapula, you bald-headed green, wacky-eyed freak. Come on. Oh, yeah, get that vertebrae. Get that fourth vertebrae, you bulgy-eyed bongo-headed. What the hell, man? What was the thing? Holy moly, get me a koki-coly. Was that it, or is that a new one?

What was the other one? I think that was it. Holy moly. Get me a coquicoli. Hey, Marge, the aliens are here. Holy moly. Get me a cokey coli and bring out the Newman's own salad dressing.

That's right. Tonight I want the ranch. I want the cucumber ranch and let's get these bulgy-eyed bongo-headed freaks to work with their freaky asparagus fingers over. here. Oh, God. Too good, too good.

So there you go. I think we've covered a lot here today. I dare not even say another word, although sometimes visuals are fun. But let me tell you about some things before we shut her down, before we peel off the exit ramp of the Harland. By the way, I want to thank Sourdough Johnson. He was here today, and he was nice and quiet today.

I appreciate that. He didn't jump in, he didn't say anything. Just kind of played a chill today, Sourdough. Thank you, bro. And I wanted to say, if you liked the T-shirts you saw, don't forget, you can go to Harbling.com and pick up an original. They're a little bit expensive because think of it. The original pieces of artwork, I draw right on the shirt.

So you now have the one and only original. It's like buying a painting. And by the way, paintings are a lot more. If these were paintings, they'd probably be $3,000. But I charge like $100, $200 for original drawings right on the T-shirt. And then if the T-shirt original is not available, you can order a print for a fraction of the cost. Also, if you like this show and you want some bonus stuff, go to my Patreon page.

I have a Patreon page, which is a digital platform, Patreon.com. Go to Google and type in Harland Williams Patreon. And it will take you there. And you can join up. It's like $5 a month and you get all kinds of bonus material and podcast material and art material and video material that I show exclusively there. some really cool stuff. If you're digging what you see here,

you'll really like my Patreon. So check that out. And also please subscribe. Subscribe to the Harland Highway podcast. We're trying to build all the viewers and the subscribers so we can do more and more. And I'm going to start getting some cool guests on here. We got some fun people lined up

that are going to be coming on as guests. You know, I'm still in the early stages of the podcast. I'm kind of feeling it all out, so that's why I haven't had a lot of guests yet. But they are coming, trust me. And Charday will probably be the first one. Not. And then go to harlandwilliams.com

and check my comedy schedule to see if I'm coming to a stand-up venue near you. And I think that's it, man. I think that's it. Holy moly, get me a koki-coly. I think we did pretty good today, don't you, everybody? I think we did pretty darn good. So thank you.

Thank you. So let's say goodbye. I want to thank you guys for being here. Please tell your friends to get on the Harlan Highway and hope you had a good time. Be kind to each other. Don't forget that love. Talked about it earlier.

Try and focus in on the good and not the bad. only here for a short time so let's make it loving rescue a dog rescue yourself grow your fingers and give yourself a rub down and until next time it's harland williams saying chicken shall may baby