The Harland Highway - TIMMY NOBRAKES talks stupid lovin', dirty dames, dirty hotel rooms, booze, and how he rules comedy!

Episode Date: January 6, 2026

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So when you're making love, are you on a bed or on a floor mat? I'm on a hammock. Wow, so you're a swinger. Yeah. Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah, it was great. Yeah, it was great.

You're going to start and why Through the vans and We're just to the other side You're fucking gay Here we go Wait, I'm what? Have you started? You want me to start calling you gay?

Well, maybe I don't know if we should start I don't want to be gay Well, you're a gay man I came here I am? Yeah, I came here to your chateau And you tried to suck my dick And I said, no, please don't do that old man

Wait, how did I? When did it? You got on your knees, and you said, put it in my mouth. And I said, be professional. Stop doing that. Timmy, that was me doing communion. I'm very religious. When I said, put it in my mouth, I meant the Lord's Savior, Holy Lamb's unleavened bread. That's literally how I referred to my penis.

So that's why I was confused. Oh, you think your weener is the Holy Lamb of Holy Host? I don't think. I know. Whoa, dude. What kind of sex are you having, Power Player? Holy, holy sex. Every single time I have sex, they're just like, this was a religious experience.

For them or for you? For them. For me, it's just another day at the office. So I fuck three to four times a day, different girls and stuff like that. Because I'm trying to, so I have 55 children. Jamal, Tinkery. I won't go through all of them. Tinkery.

What nationality is tinkery? It's based off Tinkere, one of my favorite drinks. Oh, booze. Yeah, booze. And I don't drink, but it's one of my favorite just to look at. And that's how I came up with that. So you... Patron is another one of my children.

Oh, wow. What proof is he? 75. So there's proof he's alive. That's right. No, he died. But you said there's 75 proof he exists. Well, he did exist, and then he passed away in a fire. Wow. So there's no more proof. No.

Timmy, no breaks is here, ladies and gentlemen Hey, good to be here, what's up? Wow, who are you pointing to? The audience on that camera and then How many cameras do you have on me? I don't know that that's really any of your business guy Well, I mean, normally I have five cameras per pod that I do Okay, you've got three here. Is that going to be an issue?

I mean, it's not my preference, but I'll do it. Why do you need five? How big is your face? Well, it's not that big, Highland, but it's normally I like to look at different cameras when I'm delivering my punch lines and I'm hitting like five punches per setup so how about punch face have you ever been punched in the face

uh yeah do you like it oh I fucking love it why were you punched in the face I can probably guess you're you can only come can I say come well only only if you're ready to go okay so I can only come if I'm shocked in the face just a right hook to the face wow so you're dating mostly boxers

mostly boxers mostly built built woman I dated a UFC fighter It's more wrestling than missionary So you can't make sweet tender love Without getting smacked in the face to achieve 75% of it is making love, right? Eye contact, I love you, I love you, I love you Just repeat that the whole time

And then the last 25% of it where I'm getting to climax It's just physical, physical fighting Wow So I give them a little tap I do 25% of a hit, you know, really hold back, and then they do 75. So when you're making love, are you on a bed or on a floor mat? I'm on a hammock. Wow, so you're a swinger.

Yeah. Wow. Unbelievable. Yeah, it was great. I've been married like four times. How many? Four? Four?

Yeah, only four. Yeah, yeah, divorced five, but married four. You were married four times, but divorced five. Five. Tell me about this fifth mystery woman Well, it was the same woman But I'm like, I really went out of this So I pulled a double divorce

Oh, you hated her that much Yeah Oh, Timmy, that's in the circles I circulate in That's what we call genius Thank you Yeah, I made a double She was a she was the czar of Turkey She was a Turkish woman

And I made double the money So that's kind of like how I went about that That's how I made my fortune And then got into stand-up show. Wow, Timmy. Excuse you. Excuse me. I think I just contracted your wife's attitude. Yeah, that's right. Uh, folks, Timmy No Breaks is here. He's a comedian. Oh, yeah. He's a force. Can I say you're a force? Yeah, I'll take that. Uh, you're a no fuck around, uh, friend. No nonsense. We've been best friends for a while, a couple hours, so. Yeah, you don't take BS from no ones.

I've never taken bullshit from, I don't think anybody besides, uh, my mother's. Oh, is she a toughie? Yeah, she passed away. Is she a guy or a girl? A guy. Yeah. Yeah. Wow.

Did she ever have a beard or a mustache? She had an under neck beard because she was a huge Abraham Lincoln fan. No way. So she was shot in the head? Yeah, so she was shot in the head during a play that I was doing. It was a, you know, vampire type of musical type thing. Were you a boy? I was a boy who became a man over the course.

It was a 15-hour show. So you're a playboy. Yeah, I guess you could say that. See, I could be funny, too, no breaks. Well, I mean, it wasn't, like, hilarious laugh out loud. No, I laughed. Hey, and dumb and dumber, were you the dumbest? Well, maybe I was the dumbest.

So this is where I would, because that was a big punchline, so that's where I would look in here, this camera, that camera, that camera, but I just have one. I would say for the big punches go to, hang on. I would say go to this one. Okay, camera too. Yeah. That's for the big, the big dismounts. Okay. All right. Big dismounts there. And then is this a, this is an establishing shot? That's wide. That's wide. Picture your wife's legs. Wide. Yeah, well, ex-wife.

Well, picture them wide. Okay. How many guys would you say could get between her legs when she was full spread eagle? Oh, my God. The most I got, and it's not in a gay way, but I had a 15, 15 person game being with my wife. and there were I think like 75% of us could get in at the same time so she took it did she have one of those things

where when you come in there's a little you press a button and a ticket comes out and an arm goes up yeah so it's kind of like we called her the toll booth post and yeah no she was fantastic and we're just like it kind of is like driving a car and taking the toll road

it was it was like a six Pussy was like a seven-lane highway probably. Wow. Yeah. Were there lines down the middle of the highway or was it just wide open driving? No, lines. She had a landing strip, so to speak, but it was more of a road median. And we called it, we called it the toll road.

We called it the carpool lane just because so many people were on it. Yeah, any speed bumps? Speed bump, yeah, big time. Excuse me. Oh, that was it, yeah, that was a good punch. Well, when I get a punch sign, if you're going to grab them, I'm going to grab them.

Yeah, I think both of us need to hit camera too if we hit a big punch. Look, I'm not giving you all the roast beef. What am I a salad bar? No, not at all. Okay, well, you're a big time, big time guy. If you're going to carve up the beef, Daddy's going to carve up a few slices himself. Can I say something? The fact that the 40% audience that's watching this has a laugh once is crazy.

Are they Mormon? Like, what's going on? Well, they're not. And I, look, folks, I've said this to you before, and I'm not trying to be, you know, degrading or detriment. They ain't the smartest bulbs on the Christmas tree. Where'd you find them? Most of them live under bridges, homeless, dementoids, institutionalized, just complete maybe strokes, brain damage, comas, diarrhea, some of them have. And some of them were born with eyes, wide eyes.

Okay Like they Some of them wear eye braces Asians But they're Well that was yours I was gonna lean I think if you set me up

For a big punch You can get half your face Into my shot But if you hit a punch You could get your full face Speaking of face Yep I'm a little bit older than you

How much would you just older Would you say I am I would say if I looked at you Yeah I would say a hundred Well that hurts a little Well how old are you Well that's not

You're beeswax, guy. Well, you brought it up, you dumbass. I know, sniffle tits, but come on. Okay, I'm going to titty fuck you if you keep talking like this. Titty fuck me. I don't have titties. You got double A's at least. Yeah, you're right.

I love batteries. Get in there. Get in there. That was a double A joke, gang. Yeah. I was going to be like, are you a battery? Because those are some double A's small tits. Yeah.

Jimmy, Timmy, with the whim, whimmy. Yeah, that's right. But what I wanted to ask you is my face, I'm a little sensitive, and I'm thinking of getting, and this is Hollywood, my guy, so don't hate. I'm thinking, Timmy, no breaks, of getting plastic surgery. What in your estimation is wrong with my face that I could get fixed? Great. Wrinkles all over your face.

Your wrinkles scream, I'm 100. It's like they're talking to me right now. So I would get rid of those. I would also get a better nose, maybe some better lips, get some lip injections, and then it would dye your hair, you know, maybe a red, maybe a pink, you know, try to be more Gen Z, try to fit in. Because right now I find you very unrelatable because you're so fucking old. And I don't know what to talk to you about.

I've never been on a podcast where I'm like, what are we going to talk about? We have nothing in common. You're blonde in a home, you know? And if you came across younger, I think it would be more inviting to these. I'm 18, so it'll be more inviting to these younger guests. What about adult diapers? That's something I know a lot about. See, that's the problem.

I don't know what to talk about. I don't shit myself because I'm not so old that I shit myself, you know? Are you saying I do? If you're wearing adult diapers, I'm assuming that's what that means, Holland. Okay, maybe I am, but geez, you don't have to hurt my feelings about it. You asked me the question. You have fucking Maracas, okay? I don't know how to relate to a man.

who's so old that he plays Maracus. Well... Are we able to talk about these drinks? These drinks were in maybe 55 years ago. They were? Okay? Do you age them? Like, wine?

What is this? Well, I am old. Look, I'm not trying to come out of you. I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm just trying to answer your questions. What about my chin? Do I need any work done there? Like, I feel like I don't have much of a chin.

Much of a chin. Yeah, I would say... I didn't want to bring that up because it's definitely your worst feature, you know? I think you do a good job having a goatee, which is, I mean, goatee's so cool. A what? A goatee, so that's where you got a goat face. You got a goat on your face, and I think that's so cool.

Goat teas are in. You're saying it looks like a goat? Yeah, I mean, you got a goat. You got a goatee. Can I answer that? It's not a question, but go for it. See? Nah.

Yeah. Now what are you got to say? Well, what I got to say is I think it was a good evolution from the Hitler mustache that you had for, what, five years? Bha! See, I can burn too, no brakes. I just think that you're deflecting right now from what you've done.

Fuck, all right. I'm just calling like I see it. Maybe shave your head, maybe be a, you know, try something new. What about my body then? Okay, so my face is kind of, what, a lost cause? I don't think it's a lot because There's a lot you can do with LA I've had I've had five procedures probably

What have you had? I used to look like you Now it looked like me What have I had? I had a tummy tuck I had a butt lift I had a thigh to face A thigh to face is where you fill out your face

Using your thigh meat And then I also In order to do black jokes I had a black hysterectomy And that's where you take Pieces of a black man And you put it up your ass The fifth one I don't talk about

Can I just compliment you on your butt lift Because I can see just looking at you They lifted it all the way up to here As face Thank you so much Yeah when you Yeah hit it Because his ass

They lifted it all the way up to his face So now he's a butt left And somehow he's ass face Can I say one thing that I'm a huge fan About your comedy? I love how every single time you hit a punch You explain it because they're really sophisticated.

They're really, you know, intricate, they're really cerebral. And so when you break it down for people, like these 40 retards here, I think it helps them, you know? It helps them understand. Timmy, no breaks, I told you. And this is tough for me,

but, and they know it. They know who they, Dementoids, uh, nostradamus's, uh, mentoids like fuck not. Like a lot of them say any word, pick a big word.

Seven of them. They don't know what that means. I do. What does it mean? It's a piece of the brain at the front that... God, you damn... Yeah, but they don't. I know. I'm trying to dumb it down.

I normally use bigger words. I normally use bigger words. I'm normally talking about politics. I'm normally talking about quantum physics and string theory and stuff. Speaking it down, bring this down a bit just so we're losing party. Oh, now we see your mustache and your ass face. Yeah, thank you. Oh, Timmy.

Holland. What about my body now? we've got through the face, my posture, my people sometimes refer to me as statuesque. Yeah. Greek God has been tossed around. Do you want me to give you my honest take? I feel like honesty is the best policy. I completely agree.

So when I look at you, I see kind of the aftermath of a child jumping on a waterbed and getting off. How do you mean like gelatinous? Yeah, gelatinous. You look like you're ready to pop and just spill. fluids out. Yeesh. You look like a, you have a waterbed body. Not complimentary.

Like if I poke you, I don't know what's going to happen. I think you might deflate. You're like a balloon just ready to release. A hurtful. I see ripples. I see dawn. I see dawn ripples. Okay.

Hit it. That's good. That's good. God, that was, that was good, Harlan. That was good. You're out punching me right now, but I'll get back. Yeah. No one to stop you.

You don't seem like the most, like, sensitive guy. Yeah, I mean, like, I do agree. Honesty is the best policy. Yeah. I do agree that you got to call it like you see it. Okay. When I look at this set, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? You got Maracca's?

Well, you got Maracca's. You got, you know, native stone statue faces. Yeah. You got something that's on brand, which is a truck. but then on that truck you got a fucking puff of fish so I look at this and then you have a real bookshelf

here which is cool and it makes you seem knowledgeable that it's like real books that you have but it's called the Harland Highway podcast and I don't really get the theme I mean we're in an automobile moving right now but that's like the only thing that I get besides that car

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because for a limited time, new customers get 20% off sitewide with our exclusive code. Here it is. Use code Harland Highway at shopmando.com. for 20% off site-wide plus free shipping. That's Harland Highway at shopmando.com. Have a nice, un-stinky new year, and shop Mando. Well, the theme is, Timmy, that we're on this exploratory highway. Okay. And highways are loaded with exit ramps.

And we could go on or off an exit ramp. Suddenly, we're maybe one minute, Timmy No Break's, we're talking about dilapidons or triceratops, dinosaurs from the Paleozoic era. Right. And then all of a sudden we swerve off an accident. And now we're talking about Greek mythology or recipes from Armenia. Yes, I like that. Okay, I understand. It's more of a metaphor.

It's a metaphor. So explain this to me. Okay, ask a question. Okay, here's my question. What the fuck is that? Do we have here? Is that coming from that? Yeah.

What we have here is Timmy No Breaks, and I wasn't going to do another intro, but if anyone deserves it, it's Timmy, Zachary. What's your middle name? Zach. Zach No Break. So close.

Is Zachary okay or is that offensive? Offensive to me, but maybe not offensive to somebody else. You don't have to, I mean, I'm going to be disrespectful. You could be disrespectful to me. You know, I can take it. I can dish it. Oh, yeah. Well, since you've said that no breaks,

Uh, I think maybe it's time for you to meet Johnny Spark Plug. Let's hear it. How about let's see it? Oh, Jesus Christ, Holland, what are you doing? Holland, I know you beat your wife, but do you need a way of a wife be, what are you doing? Hang on, no brakes. Oh, my God. Is this real leather?

What do you drive on a motorcycle sidecar? What are you doing? Hey, what's up, Timmy No Break? You son of a fucking prick. How are you, man? I'm good. Look at that fucking ass face on you. Where's the crack?

In the middle or does it run sideways? And you're shitting an octagon. Can I do a character I'm working on? You come at me. I'm here. It's Johnny Spock plugs. Let's go, Timmy, no breaks. This is William Harland.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, wow. Wow. Oh, fuck, too shay away. Oh, yeah, I'm a big... Yeah, that sounds about right coming from you. What's your name?

Harlem. William Halling. Hall of, yeah. Okay, way to reverse the psychology on me, but it ain't happening no breaks. Oh, okay, I'm a big, dumb idiot. Oh, I'm a big stupid idiot. Anyways, it's a workshop.

I'm workshopping. Wow, that was fucking wild. Where'd you learn to talk like that in a windstorm at Dusty Parker's Wind School? No, I did this podcast with a big dumbass retard, and he kind of gave me the vibe. And I just, I don't know, I just came up with it. It was just came to me. No Breaks. Holy fuck.

Look at Jimmy, Jimmy No Breaks and Johnny Sparkplug. Can I ask you something? Yeah. The last two intros didn't really do it for me. Can you do another one? You want a third fucking intro. Who do you think you are? Timmy No Breaks.

That's my name. Let's fucking do it. Ladies and gentlemen, here we are with Timmy No Breaks, comedian, actor, funny man. Performance artist. Performance artist. Big on Pornhub. And here we go.

Johnny, let me introduce myself. Ladies and gentlemen, right here for your entertainment value. Johnny Sparkplugs. Go suck it. Okay, let me do an intro for you. Okay, hang on. I mean, hang on.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here at the Highland Highway podcast. I'm here with my guest, Johnny Sparkplugs. He stole his entire act from me, and we're going to see him try and do a bunch of riffs. They're probably going to bomb. here we go here three two one big riff hey what the fuck where did you uh learn to eat ice cream at a baskin robins and your sister's fucking underpants put your head forward look in that camera hey uh when you go to staples what do you buy inkjet cartridges or a uh a brand new box

of uh copy paper you son of a bitch huh Can I try one? Sure. Hey, when you go to the dentist, what do you get? Mollers? You already have them, you big dumb idiot. Hey, when you go to the fucking dentist, what do they pull your wisdom teeth? No, they can't because you're already too stupid.

That's pretty good. Okay, when you go and get a happy ending at a Vietnamese massage pilot, what do they do? Say, there's no dick for me to jerk off because you got a small pee-pee? Whoa, what do you do when you go to the drive-thru it, boo? Sugar King, put your car in fucking four-wheel drive and smash right through the wall because they said it was a drive-through, your whore. Okay, when you go to the proctologist and you're like, hey, stick a finger out my butt, I want to make sure I don't have ass cancer.

Are they like, you were just here yesterday the day before and the day before that? You're fucking gay. Get out of my office. Why don't you go get some red stickers and put them all over your face, pretend your pippy long stockings and go suck a Swiss bathhouse, your whore? Hey, my name's Harlan Williams, and I am gay. That's a good riff. That's a good riff.

That's a good roast. That was pretty good. You don't drink, no breaks, but a guy like Johnny Spark plugs, I hammer the Russian vodka. Give me a sip at that. I thought you didn't drink. I want to relapse. So I just got my, um...

I thought you didn't drink, no lips. I mean, no breaks. Tonight, because it is nighttime. Tonight, I'm changing. I'm relapsing. Three, two, one. Timmy fucking no breaks. Power hammering the Russian vodka.

Holy fuck. You know what? No breaks, you're growing on me now. You came in here, I thought maybe you had no bollies, you had no cahones, but look at this guy. He's sucking the whole bottle down of Russian vodka. Holy shit, this guy can drink. There he goes.

He's rounding second base. They're lining him up. Oh, man. I'm not even drunk. No breaks. I feel sober as a bun. I got to give you one for that. Wow.

Thanks, boss. Fucking Timmy, no breaks. All right, so how did you like my guy? I thought it was actually pretty good Not bad, right? Johnny Spark plugs It was good It was good

I am actually Pretty fucked up right now Yeah, you are right, dude You pounded How many shots do you think that was That wasn't a shot That was like a quarter of a bottle Oh dude

Do you need to barf? Do you mind? I don't mind Oh Oh all right i'm good i got that on my system oh wow anymore no okay i'm good look at me i think there might be a little more okay oh i can oh yeah i feel it coming oh timmy This is a big one.

How's your mouth? How's your mouth taste? Honestly, it tastes like a push. I was just, that's what I ate for breakfast, so. Oh, it all came up. Wash it down, buddy. Thanks. Oh, you poor guy, I feel so bad. Yeah, get that puke out of there.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, guy, it was just to rinse your mouth out. Don't, bro, bro, you got a drinking problem. Not that you're an alcoholic, but you don't know how to drink. You got a drinking problem, guy. they're like a sperm well that just came up for some sperm oh timmy no oh yes timmy yes oh timmy oh dear sweet tender timmy oh man right down the hatch yeah that made me feel way better okay you don't feel sick at all do you no i feel way better that's soaping me right up and folks this is pure wad I mean, this is Russian vodka.

Oh, man, that's good stuff. You've never had vodka before? No, I'm a tankeret, man. Isn't that the name of your son? No, it's Tankerese. He's his name, but it's based off Tankeray. I don't know if I talked about that. I kind of forget everything that happened.

How long have we been doing this? You know what? Take a minute. Take one minute. Get sober. Can you do a minute long intro for me, and that will help me out? Yeah. Okay.

Folks. Do you want to time it? I got you. I gotcha. You're drunk. You wouldn't know, you wouldn't know a minute. Are you going to pew? No, I'm good. You wouldn't know a minute from a day. So let me time it out. Okay, keep going. Ladies and gentlemen, while he soberes up, he just needs a minute. That's how strong his constitution is. Timmy no breaks. A powerhouse comedian. This guy's a, uh, oh, Are you sober? No, no, keep going.

This guy, he can't stop him. He's a comedy machine. He came in. He said, this realm is mine. He took no prisoners. He's the man of the hour. He's the king of the clock. He's the cock of the walk.

He's the talk of the town. He's the chuck of the cheese. He's the fat of the burger. He's the monkey of the... The Monkey Monks. 45 more seconds. Keep going. This guy is here to let you know that comedy has a new face.

It has a new name. It has a new stink. And this is Timmy No Breaks. Welcome. Thanks for having me, Highland. It's good to be here. Yeah, just if you wouldn't mind pulling this down a little because... Oh, do you need another drink?

No. Just pull that down a little so we see a gorgeous face. because you are gorgeous. Oh, that means a lot. I had a lot of work done, so. What did you have done? Oh, you had your ass face. We have the stuff on my, yeah, yeah,

ass lift, ass lift the face, ass face. You must go through the dames like a voyager going through canoe paddles. Yeah, that's how I like to describe it. When I fuck, it's like a Native American taking a canoe to a new island he's trying to explore. Wow, no breaks That's how I do it

It's I I am half Native American So What half The bottom Okay The bottom I was a good punch

It wasn't a joke I mean literally Below the belt I'm Native American Above the belt I'm Swahili What tribe Native American

Navajo And what tribe And by Navajo mean never ho like a whore that's pretty good that was a good punch right well guy guys that was a good punch these people are fucking damn they're not the brightest i know that it's like a high-in you know they're not the brightest christmas bulbs on the tree it's a thinker but it's not like a big time thinker when timmy no breaks takes a woman when when you ride into the night like a night crawler yeah where do you like to do your deed at a dirty hotel, at your apartment, in a penthouse? Where does Timmy

No Break's ride through the night? So normally, Hammock, we talked about that. But sometimes on special occasions, I like to do it at the back of the, I like to ride on the back of the bus and have somebody ride me. Wow. Yeah. So it's normally like a school bus. It's very illegal. But, you know, on the school bus and stuff like that, just taking a ride, getting a ride, double ride. And that's, like, my favorite place to do it. On the short bus, which is probably what these people ride. They are, they are. Yeah, the real short bus.

Is that where you found them on the short bus? They found me, guy. I attract those types. Oh, that's interesting. I attract the mentoids, the nut goblins, the Thunder Junction Felbelites. is a new word I just made up right now. Yeah, the Bikipsi, the, yep.

Yeah. Now, when you're, because you're on the edge, I look at you, everyone's walking, you're walking on the razor's edge. Yeah, that's right. When you do the dirty talk with one of your many lovers, how many lovers have you had this year already? Oh, my God.

How many days are there in a week? Seven? Yeah. So you have seven this year? Big time. Okay, I thought it was going to be a lot bigger than that. That's how many lovers have you had this year? 79.

Oh, now that I think about it, it was 365. So one every day? One day. One day, 365. Wow, so you turned around? I was hospitalized after that. Wow, which hospital? The cedus sinus.

Oh, because they had to take care of your wood. Yeah. Now, I keep pulling on my earphone. I keep stepping on the wire and I'm sort of diminishing my, Oh, it's under my, trapped under my chair, that's why. Oh, yeah. Sorry. No, you're good.

So, Timmy, when you're with a lover, and whether it's at a motel 6, a red roof in, a holiday and express, or sex express, walk us through Timmy No Break's dirty talk. Do you mind playing the woman for this? I'll be the woman, yeah. Okay. Hey, babe, why don't you lay on the bed? Oh, on my stomach or on my back? On your back. Okay.

I'm gonna get on you and look in your eyes. I'm now inside of you. Oh, you heart? Yes, I am. You could feel, no, you noticed it pretty hard. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, ah! I'm gonna, day, take it, take it like a monkey in the Amazon jungle.

I want you to bark like a dog. You're my dog. You're my bitch. Now you're a koala bear. I want you to grab onto me and give me chlamydia. You are. Dirty Taiwanese whore with a bag problem. Oh, you give it to me good time, funny guy.

That's right. Now talking Spanish. Oh, Zika do Lishada do you do Taco Bell. And now here I'm coming at you in Japanese. Oh, you're going to get? And it sounds like I came, but I didn't. Because I always come in Swahili. Oh, wow, Americani one is a kiddichasana, oh, me amigolo, sick atejiazano,

Tambo, braki-tike, you just came, you were good. That was good. So that's normally how it goes. It's time by time. Sometimes it switches up. Sometimes I just read MapQuest directions and stuff like that. I always like to change it up. But it's very spiritual.

Oh, no breaks. Yeah. I mean, how do you, are you a heartbreaker? Like when you finish, because I just was improvising. You didn't really plow me, but I feel my heart hurts after that. Yeah. Your way with words, your energy, your magnetism, your aura. By the way, that was all scripted.

Say what now? Say, say, say, hey, what now? So I write a script of all the dirty talk I do. Okay. And I memorize it and I do it. And I've got like probably 47 different scripts. You don't just stick it to their forehead and read it from there? It's on a teleprompter. On their forehead?

No, it's on the teleprompter on the TV and the red roof in. Wow. Yeah. So you have the good room. And then sometimes when I'm doing it on the short plus, I have a retarded boy whispering into my ear, feeding. me the lines like I'm the president of the United States and they're my assistant. So like an earpiece, but it's a boy tart. No, it's not an earpiece. I have the mouth up to my ear. Right. Because I'm an analog guy. I'm not a digital, digital, I'm not digital.

An anal what guy? An analog. That was pretty good. Pretty good. That was pretty good. That was pretty good. I'm trying to go head to head with Timmy no breaks. It's an impossible test, but you're doing, you're putting it up a fight. Dude. How long have you been doing comedy for? I've been doing it about three and a half weeks and I'm feeling good about it. I feel like something's in the air. Right.

So I've been doing it like about two months. So if you have any like comedy questions, you need any mentor. How do I be funny to me no breaks? You got to have a persona, right? Hang on. Hey, say a load of Charlie Transmission Flu. Yeah, so that's me. So you got to be original.

You got to have original. You're Timmy No Breaks. I'm Charlie Transmission Fluid. Yeah, but he's so close. You know, people are going to see you and they're going to be like, that guy's stealing Timmy No Breaks's bit. Do you know who Andrew Dice Clay is?

Yeah. He stole my entire act and I don't want to see another person to do that. I know. That's exactly how I felt. What a fucking prick. He's my dad, so it kind of makes sense. Oh, okay. So he's my father.

But yeah, he was like, you're successful. I can do that And he started I think that guy started You know Two weeks ago He just started doing my act Okay so what if I'm

Charlie Transmission But I'm Asian Like I That is original Oh Charlie Transmission How you doing funny guy That's funny

Keep going You want to rock You want to walk and roll Or what Yeah that's good That's good You want go down to Korea town

Get some barbecue shrimp Fun guy Yeah you got to make it More racist though You're kind of You're kind of tiptoe around it. Fun guy want a honey garlic shrimp, put on his girlfriend, put a crazy glue on a face, and have

fun time with fungi. That's funny. That's good. You got to lean in for that one. Oh, come on. This is how many punches you just hit that, like, 45. That was good. Wow.

That was great. I actually think you literally figured out your act. Only three weeks in, it's hard to find your voice, and you found your voice. How did I do it so quickly to me, no breaks? I did it the first open mic I did that literally went God I don't know how it's going for you

but I went open mic Madison Square Garden Open mic Madison Square Garden That's the way it should be If you're gonna get into comedy Don't waste time and fuck around Do what Timmy did Yeah

That's why I said earlier You came in You grabbed comedy by the scrote And said this is mine You don't own me comedy I own you Or as I would say Oh you don't own me

Cromedy I own you, funny guy. Yeah. I put honey-garlic shrimp all over your wife's face and you smell like spring roll, fun guy. Yeah, that's good. Right? That's exactly right.

When do I do Madison Square Gardens now? I can see it happening, but you got to also, you got to try some other stuff. You've got to try an Indian, you know, transmission fluid guy. Oh. Maybe go, maybe try, you know. Oh. I think, like, Indian might hit harder.

Indian, how about a name? I'm Jandir exhaust pipe. That's fun. I think that could be fun. Hello, how are you a funny guy? Yeah. This is funny guy. I want to come to your house and put binging rice all over your wife's face, fun, fun guy.

Yeah, that's fun. That's good. That's actually better than the last one. I come to your house with a circus elephant and we run around in the backyard and stone. the sprinkler and then we stomp your wife's face funny fun guy fun yes it's kind of Asian and it's kind of Indian you kind of put them both together you have an act now how did how do you make people learn so quick so I uh who are you what are you why are you

everything I do I've just kind of picked I play in the NBA everything I've done I pick something up and I just I just immediately just get it it's something like a like a six sense you know so if you any if i picked up that maraca it would be like oh that guy could start a band with just maracas it's just it's just my it's my it's my curse and it's my gift i'm tempted to hand you that maraca to me no breaks i don't think you want to see it you want to see it i would if you don't mind because i'm learning here i've never played the maracas for a guy for a guy who's only been doing this two weeks well here we go folks this is all unscripted Did you just throw it upside down?

Are you insane? Are you jacking it? That's a Maraq jaccarac. I don't know. I mean, to me that was... Who is this guy? Just a guy picking up different things and excelling at them.

You just turned your glasses, Knight Rider. Thanks. Wow. Who is this fucking guy? He walks in here Fucking no breaks Three weeks ago, folks We didn't know about this fucking guy

Comedy was stale George Carlin died what Three five years ago Seven years ago Prior burnt to death when 1455 Sparky the clown Like they're all fucking dead

Comedy was dead Uh, Bill Burr and Chappelle were barely crawling out of their graves And the landscape Stunk of maggots and carrion the comedy landscape. This fucking guy

climbs up out of the comedy graveyard and comedy is back, folks. When Dave Chappelle and Birdberg got in that fist fight and they both died at the same time, I was like, somebody needs to come. I hate comedy. It's not funny.

That's probably why it works. But I like to do good. I like to change the world. I like to make the world a better place. That's just my curse. You know, like I have to make the world a better place. And so when I saw, when they died in that,

You know, when they both punched each other at the same time and they both died, I was like, somebody needs to come in and pick up what they put down. And so that's when I came in and I did that. I did that for comedy. And you hate comedy, too. It's the most boring. It's just so fucking easy. It sucks. It's so easy.

I want to be challenged, you know? Yeah. I want to go to space. I'm going to say it. I'm going to say it one time and I'm not going to say it again because I want to jinx it. I want to go to space. Holy fuck did you hear this folks do you know what NASA stands for nipples are smelly with rice no nipples are smelly ass stuff

holy chinese deep fried rice with Morgan Freeman's pink bunny slippers on the side yes fuck who are you guy I'm just a man trying to make the world a better place by going to space. Put your hand up. Can I touch you to see if you're real? I'm as real as fucking paper mache on a Tuesday afternoon touched by Benicio del Toro.

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You know, comedy was always just words. It was someone talking. It was concepts. It was ideas. Never did anyone think that comedy has a physical form. And then you walk through door number three. I think I'm probably going to quit comedy in a couple days, maybe go to music. The space thing might take a couple weeks.

And so I want to, like, do master something in the meantime. Wow. Yeah, I mastered freestyling. I mastered, you know, like, I just. often do you masturbate? What did you say? I'm sorry. I'd never masturbate. I never have to masturbate because there's always girls lining up outside in my hotel room like, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. I did it. I did it. And I said, no, no, no, no, no. Oh no, we did we did we? Well, we sort of did it. Yeah, I gave you

the communion. It was like we, it was an improvising, but I feel like I've been loved and sexualized. Yeah, yeah. I see you as a piece of meat, as a waterbed that I want to jump on a water bed and i'm not gay you know you're not no well look at you i mean i'll suck a dick but i'm not going to make them come if they come that's gay and if they don't you're straight straight in your mouth if they come come where in your mouth in your mouth what about your mouth do you swallow i saw one once in a bird's nest yeah yeah that's a good

that was a good punch I got one in guy but guess who taught me that wasn't mine he gave me that I wrote it it's actually written down there you can't see it

but I wrote that the only person that's ever made me is me yeah yeah well when you look you could try you could try but the only person

I'm not even gonna I wouldn't I'm not gonna wait what am I An idiot? Am I stupid? Do I look stupid? Yes.

Well, do I look like an idiot? You weren't dumb and dumber, right? Yeah. Yeah. Who did you play? The dumbest? Have I done that punch yet? You did it, but take another one.

Okay. Take it from the top. Cut the last two. Give me an intro. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Hawley Highway podcast. This is a comedy podcast And we have comedy here The epitome of comedy

Timmy No Breaks Welcome to the show Timmy Good to be here Were you in Dumb and Dumber Because you looked like the dumbest Boom Boom How do I respond

You probably shouldn't Because I am the dumbest How could a dumb guy respond By not responding I'm so dumbed I don't even know how to say anything Holland, are you offended by that? No, because I'm too dumb to be offended.

That's right. I'm too dumb to perceive. And that is the smartest thing you will say over the course of the next 14 hours of this podcast. And what's ironic is I'm so dumb I don't even appreciate that that was a compliment. I know what you're going to say before you're going to say it, Holland. What am I going to say?

What? What? How do you know this stuff? See, I'm writing what you're saying. before you're saying it. How do you... Lasagna. Lasagna.

Oh, fuck off. You just got seven-layer lasagna, guy. Put your head in there. Nobody's ever beating me to it. Seven-layer lasagna. Ah, shit, got him. See, folks, this is comedy.

Can I just say something right now? This is like a social service message. Mm-hmm. boys and girls young adults for those of you that were thinking of maybe attempting a comedy career you thought I can be funny I'm going to go to the clubs I'm going to become a stand-up comedian no it's over this is the pinnacle of comedy you can't get higher than this you can't get funnier than this stop go back to your job at Starbucks go back to your cubicle at Charles Schwab

go back to your mother's breasts and suck the milk until her head caves in yeah if you have a dream give up on it unless you're Martin Luther King that's literally the words that live by it's on my mirror on your mirror yeah and it's something not for me it's something that I'd like to remind people in order to help them

because what I'm going to do is I'm going to come in there to whatever it is you're trying to do, make the world a better place by making you give up on your dream. Words of inspiration. So you're a garden, right? Do I like to garden? Do you?

Yeah. Okay, so what I'm going to do is I'm going to start guarding. I'm going to make you feel so bad about your inability to garden at my level that you're probably going to pick up another hobby. You're probably never going to touch a Maraca again. Doing that with my mind.

You are. You're doing Morocco without even touching it. I'm going to slow it down, I think. I'm going to bring it to a stop. What the fuck are you, guy? Rest. Rest. Rest. Holy fuck. On a Chinese junk off the coast of North.

Korea with seven crew members popping each other's back knee in the lower deck, sucking the pus, spitting it into the China Sea, and catching dolphins with garlic bread eyes. I wrote that. Of course you did. Fuck. I wrote that for you. God. Your best riffs, I did write.

You're so good. Breaks? Amen. It doesn't sound the same without the no in front of it, does it? Just breaks. people call me break people call me big boy people call me tiny dick and i'm like stop calling me that you know what's interesting for a guy who's got breaks in his name you didn't need any breaks you just showed up i think your second show was at a sold-up madison square garden or something

you were there i was you open for me you did uh you did some time there i did yeah i got to open for you yeah you did tone tone do you know tone hingecliff tone tone tone tone is it Does it go by anybody else? Oh, he goes by a gay guy. Don't, no, no. Tone Hinchcliff. You don't know Tone Hinchcliff? Is there another name?

You've been on this show. I don't think I have. Yes, you have. Does he have another letter? It's called Kill Tony. Have you been on it? Yes, who's the guy who does that? Tone Hinchcliff.

Not that, now you're right around it. An orange bin. You're all around it. Where? Tone Hinchcliff. Tone, I feel like I've. He's. literally he's the host

Yeah Oh, some people call him Tony Tony. Tony, fuck yeah, guy. Have you been on that show? Yeah. Kill tone. Yes, that's right.

Tony Incliffe on Kill Tone. Well, I think they're changing into Kill Timmy, but I can't confirm that. Oh, God. Yeah. So we work together. We have worked together before.

It was probably like, remember in men in black they had those glasses. Yep. And they do something and people would lose their memory. Yes. This man is such a force.

and comedy. When he came out, it probably blew my circuits, and I don't remember that you were there, that you were funny, that you even exist. Yeah. I think, what was it? I think, I mean, I got canceled for a little bit because 14 people thought, yeah, no, no, no, it was canceled. So, 14, that's crazy. I've been cancer 14 times. You got to stop taking credit for all the things I wrote for you to say. Can't beat the cancer. I mean, how many people wished you had cancer but me? That's hilarious.

Do you want me to die, Harlan? It's an idea. That's a crazy thing to say to a podcast guest, and I fucking love it. I thought you might. It was a good riff. Red roof in tonight, nine o'clock? Yeah, you can blow my back and my knees out. You have back knee?

Let's get analogue. Whoa. That's called a callback. You know what people don't understand about you is that despite you living on the edge? I don't know. Where did you grow up? Because you are rough around the edges.

Tell them about your childhood a little because no one grows up to have the edge you have and not have kind of a rough and tumble childhood. So I don't know who gave birth to me, but I was raised by wolves in the woods of New Jersey. It was Trenton Woods. which is the capital of New Jersey, raised by wolves. Okay.

How many? It was a pack, so I think a pack is 75. How many cigarettes and a pack of cigarettes? 75. So it was 75 wolves, because that's a pack. That's right. Every pack is 75. So I was raised by wolves, and then I just realized, I was like, nah.

And I went and struck out of my own. Three years old is when I left. Wow. I lost my virginity, became a man. got bummits for that four they were like this guy's too advanced we need a bummits for them now so i did that and then i um went to school graduated when i was seven um passed the bar when i was 20 oh you were driving i reversed my age back to 18 so i created a age reversal process called shlim shillim and um i reversed my age wow where i come from that's called uh what's that guy

the uh who's that guy Brad Pitt played oh Benjamin Bunn Benjamin Butt face you know that this is going to sound unbelievable that's just there's unbelievable now we don't do that here well I'm this is a podcast I don't fuck around we don't do unbelievable on the Harlan highway podcast okay maybe it's believable this is a fact I'm about this show of fact okay well don't for a second to even say unbelievable because I don't want them to get the idea that none of this is real it's all real. We have both being ourselves. If you turn off the cameras, nothing would change. Right. Yeah. The cameras would be off and that's a change. That is a difference. Yeah, that's the only difference. My purpose is we are being our authentic selves. Yes.

There's no difference between the man you see across from me and the man you see in me. But yeah, Benjamin Bunn is about me. Okay. Yeah, they changed the name, but otherwise that is my story. unbelievable and people often wonder if you're sensitive at all is there a sensitive side to a guy that lives on the edge of a hunting knife of course i can be sensitive about i i have feelings you know i'm i'm a i'm a i'm a normal guy you know deep down i'm just a man you know i'm just a boy and i can be sensitive too i can have feelings i can relate i can empathize i can empathize with that fuck i can empathize with anything i can empathize with that that fucking statue right there i feel bad for you statue you're not real i feel bad for you that's empathy that's what that's called it's

empathy right i feel bad for you you look 100 but you're apparently not 100 i feel bad for you i'm being sensitive that's for you thank you why do i look 100 why if you could be more sensitive if you could elaborate so sensitively on why i sure we can go over the things that we already talked about, built like a waterbed, face full of wrinkles, hair that's gray, tiny dick. Those are the reasons. You told me in confidence, I'm just going to bring it up because I think it's relevant because you asked me the question.

You said you went from nine inches to three inches because as you age, you lose your height. And you lost your height and your cock. I did, yeah. Six inches of your cock is gone. One of the things we talked about when we did talk about that off cameras, we specifically said we weren't going to say that on camera. Well, you could cut that. You could cut that from the episode.

Do you have an editor? It was already cut. I was circumcised. Is that how you lost to six inches? No. I got slammed in a minivan door at the Glendale Gallery of parking lot. Was it intentional or accidental? No, there was a kid falling out of a minivan, and I ran up to catch the kid.

and one of the other kids slammed the mini Van Dore right on my St. John, St. Peter, Holy Mary, Holy Lamb of the hosts. That's right. Whenever you see a kid, you get a wrecked, and it becomes a lapelny. Well, now, let's not go there, because I don't, I've never seen a kid.

You didn't see the child? No, I meant an old lady fell out of the truck, not a kid. I don't know, what do you mean, kid? So you turned out by old lady? Because you have to have an... I saw her, I got her wrecked, and she slammed it with her crippled arthritic koala hands,

slammed the mini Van Dore right on my pole vaulting stick. That's horrible. Harlan, I had no idea. I would have never brought it up if I knew that that happened to you. Thank you. Because I'm a sensitive main. I'm a sensitive

main. If nothing else here today... Here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm going to cut you off. Pardon? And I'm going to cut you off and I'm going to make your dick grow. Three, two, one. Look at your dick.

Look down at your dick. Should I open my pants? Yeah. Okay. Okay, look, it's... Well, let me get it open. Dang on. Yep.

See? What the? That's nine inches. I can, you know, I can do things with my mind. It's a gift. I don't do it often because people are afraid of magic, you know, especially the blacks. And I have mostly a black audience, so I don't want to alienate them.

Wow. Yeah. It's huge. Thanks, guys. I added an inch on. You're at 10 right now. Soft. Soft. Just wait until you get hard. I'm talking, you know, medically difficult to live your life now. Hang on. I'm just putting it back in.

It's going to take a minute. There it goes. Shh. You need to concentrate, no brakes. Yeah, fold it up. I'm trying. I think it's 12. You got to fold it.

Okay. Which way? You got to fold it backwards. Backward. I do a trifle, but that might be a quarterfold. Okay, now what? Tuck or fold again? Tuck it.

Left or right? Okay. I'm going to make it smaller again. There. You're good. Oh, thanks. yeah just live the life I was more trouble than it was worth

thank you for making it no problem speaking of sensitivity I'm sensitive to and I knew you were coming in here and you've lived on the edge of a hunter's knife you've probably got moose blood dripping down the side of the blade still

and I thought maybe they say music tames the savage beast it does what if I pulled out some some What if Johnny Sparkplugs read poetry to Jimmy No Breaks or even Timmy No Breaks? Hey.

I have a cinnamon journal and I wrote you a poem. Okay, let's hear it. But I have to, well, I'm old. So now I've got to put on my real glasses. Where are my real glasses? Here they are. All right, let's see it. It sucks being a hundred.

I know. But even though I don't have the right glass, think of me as Johnny Sparkplugs reading a poem to his buddy, Timmy No Breaks. I'm going to close my eyes so that I can imagine that. How about you go all the way and close your mouth? Okay. This one time I'll close my mouth for you, even though you were begging for me to open my mouth earlier. Timmy, no breaks, fast and loose. A train on fire. A flaming douche, suck a cabbage, suck a moose. Drive a Tesla up your old caboose.

Tim ain't no brakes, tough as nails. Eats his meals out of garbage pails. Snap your spine so you can sniff your ass. Go to a shell station and suck some gas. Tough guy, bad boy, king of pain. Skidmark in your panty stain Anger, madness in your brain He likes his toast

To be multi-grain Oh hey Oh hey Oh Oh hey Oh hey Oh Oh oh

Oh Ow my back Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah Ah! Yeah.

Uh-huh. Okay. And that's for me to you. Thank you. That was beautiful. I'm not going to lie, that was beautiful. I can beat that, but that was beautiful. You can beat that?

Oh, yeah. Please. Okay. Shells crack in steam dreams. I see a comfort. I could see comfort me in me boca. It was clam poetry. Clam?

Like sea food? Yeah, not slam. Klam. What's clam? What's clam? poetry. It's a poetry about clams. Okay, well, how about this? Uh, wallop, wallop in the air, shallop, shallop, shallop everywhere. Who are thee, thy, thay, thawlop, sea scallop. That's pretty good. So if you're going to do clam ship, bro, I'm going to step up and do scallop stuff. Okay, let's do

this. Whoa. Paid, paid, I'm a made, made. I'm a made man without a Dade, Dade, I raid everybody with Rade, hairspray, I have AIDS. Would you say that again? Yeah, I'll do it exactly word for word. Paid, paid, maid, maid, I'm a made man. I got Rade. I'm going to spray you with the paid in the blade. I have AIDS.

Wow. Yeah. I'm not even going to try. I wouldn't. How do you? like in all seriousness I know we've been goofing around I've been serious this whole time

I didn't know you were goofing how do you do this stuff like where does it where did that come from the genius the comedy the how does you the engine what

do you want me to be totally honest with you I've never said this on camera I am the son of God which one Vishnu Vishnu Vishnu is the one with 18 arms.

Oh, my God. I'm actually Hindu. You must masturbate like crazy. My dad masturbates me with 18 arms. Wow. That's how many arms it takes to hands it takes to, you know, get me off. Wow. I got a 42-inch cock.

Let me tell me. Wow. Soft. So, well, we're sitting here right now. Where's the tip of your monster? It's, so what I do is I do... Is it down in the car? Yeah.

Yeah, thanks for sharing the door on my cock, by the way. I thought you were going to keep it open. But, you know, so I've been in pain this whole time, but I know how to use my brain through the power of Hindu meditation to keep my mind off of the fact that the door is slammed into my cock. You're like a good swallow? Yeah, you're a good sound effect, guys. Thanks. Say anything. I'll do a sound effect.

Okay. Do the sound effect of a baby being thrown out of an airplane because you're so frustrated with it crying the entire flight from Tulsa to Tuscaloosa. Hey, that's a new car. Because the baby landed on some guy's new car. Tulsa. That's good. That's good. You were right.

I am good at sounds. Hey, I'm better, but that's pretty good. Oh, you're better? At sound effects? Yeah. I don't want to one-up you every time. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, you know? Can I...

A helicopter flying through thick fog lands on an old lady in a yard in a wheelchair. Right. Okay, here we go. Can't see shit. Oh my god, there's so much fog We're going down May Day, May Day, May Day May Day

There's a woman in a wheelchair Let's try to land on her Oh my God There's a helicopter coming at me I'm in a wheelchair I can't move Oh my god We're cutting out this woman

She's disabled And she's gonna die I think we survived, but she's gone. They might want to take a drink. I'm for the record, because I'm a sound guy. That was a suicidal cat jumping off a 72-story building, falling on an old lady is a purring cat

a helicopter's not that's a purring cat have you been in a helicopter yes with a cat okay so maybe you got fucked off guy maybe you got confused about what was the cat and what was the helicopter

okay you're right again I own a helicopter I can fly it I know what they say you always have to be right no brakes This is what a cat sounds like. It's also what a blowjob in Bakersfield sounds like. That's right. Oh, you've got a blow job in Bakersfield, too?

No, just one. I don't like them as much because they, you know, they're just blowing on you. It's not even, they don't even put their mouth on it. They forget the job part? Yeah, they're like, happy birthday. I'm going to blow your dick out like a candle. I'm like, that's not how it works. Yeah. How does it work? Show us how a blowjob works.

Okay, here we go. Imagine this is a big black cock. Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Can you cut that from the episode, actually? I don't think we will. I prefer if you did. I think people want to know that you're a black cock sucker. Okay. Okay. That's fine. I'll let that slide. I can overcome that. Timmy, I got to tell you, what a treat having you here today.

What I learned today, when I picked up off of you, unbelievable. Hey, thanks. That's a good riff. Look in the camera. Unbelievable. Even though I wrote that, I think you own that and made it even better. Timmy, our final segment that we do with every honored guest,

it's called Words from a Wooden Shoe, Timmy, No Breaks. You reach in the shoe, pull out a random word, and see if it inspires a story from me. your miraculous journey. Timmy No Break's. Words from a wooden shoe, folks. Okay, I got a couple. Lost Pet.

Oh, you took a bunch. Only Timmy No Breaks would take a few. Lost Pet. Wearing a wig. Okay, this is actually a pretty good story. Can we just re-say those again? Lost pet, falling down, wearing a wig. Here we go.

The master. Okay. Settle in, folks. So it's fucking this dog, right? And the dog got pregnant. and I was totally overwhelmed with the possibility of having a dog human child. Nobody wants to have that, right? So what I did was I pushed it down a staircase to give it, you know, a DIY abortion, so to speak.

Yeah. And the dog hit a wall so hard that it felt lost throughout its whole life. And then I put on a wig. Now, I don't want this pod to end on a sour note because you are, comedy. Right. And I don't want, because that was probably

the worst, un funniest thing I've ever heard. So what I want to do as respect to the new force in comedy, if you'll permit me so they don't think

anything's off, I will do the fake Chuckie cheese robot laugh. So, ready? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I didn't know it was supposed to be funny.

Did you want it to be like a funny thing? I'm not finished talking yet. Timmy, no brakes. So that way, guaranteed laughs, they won't know.

They're not bright. I didn't know it was supposed to be funny. Otherwise, it would have hit probably 14 to 15 punches with this shit. But it's fine. It's fine. I'm just trying to tell a story

for my normal life that isn't funny. It's actually pretty fucked up. Ha ha ha. You want to take it? I'd like to, but the show's over. But before we go, Timmy, please tell these folks where they can see the new force in comedy, where they can come and see you live, where they can see you on YouTube, where they can buy your merch. Absolutely.

Tell them, guy. Okay, so you can see, thank you. So you can see me in space in two weeks on the Orbiter de Jellyfish. that's the name of the spaceship I'm going to be on look for me there I'm going to be doing the first stand-up set in zero gravity no audience not trying to get laughs it's going to be amazing it's going to change comedy forever you're literally going to space that's right to do comedy

that's right and I'm bored of doing it on earth yeah and you hate comedy I fucking hate it Timmy any final words of inspiration for wannabe funny people or just words of inspiration in general as we close down for today. Absolutely. Look, wherever you walk, leave footprints. What if you're in snow?

Wouldn't that be automatic? Was this for cold people or for warm weather people? Take it from the top. Sorry. Okay, here's my little word of inspiration. If you're going to create a podcast Give it some dumb-ass retard name Like, I don't know

The Highland Highway I think I like the footprint one better Okay, well, you know Two pieces of advice for the audience to take either one The footprint one's really great I thought the second one was better and more helpful But Well, I like especially for people who live in snow

The footprint, unbelievable Like these short bus riding people from Baker field during the winter and look at them no lash from them that's fine uh folks timmy no breaks was our guest today uh thank you for being here on the holland highway podcast that's it for now we're going to need some weeks to recover tolly get it until next time chicken chamein baby uh you want to maraca us out timmy here we go on beat Ho! Get up.

Take your dicka. Yeah. Ho! Ho! Ho! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Ha! See you next time. Give me some more of that vodka. Here you go. Funny guy. Brought to you by Tanker Ray. I got to go fuck a bitch. Who wants Harlan to send Matt a t-shirt?

Matt, I just want to talk about Harlan's t-shirt and why I think I deserve it. Look at it. This thing is beautiful. I've been repping Harlan for years. I even wrote a whole movie with him in it and I still haven't heard back. Any feedback, Harlan? Your part is funny, I promise. So... All right, Bob. Go ahead and read the chart for me. Harland, please send me a t-shirt in exchange for a routine eye exam. Your vision is perfect. Oh, fuck my fucking toe. Fuck that fucking hurt.

Just give Matt the fucking t-shirt. Fuck, bloody chair, death. What's in the box? Huh? What's in the box? Oh, my God, it's a free t-shirt from Harlan's heartland. No, no, God! What's the sign say, Mommy?

He says, give Matt the t-shirt and read his script. What's that? What's that? All right, everybody. We're still giving away t-shirts from the Adam Ray Harland Highway fashion show blowout that we did. And our next winner is this guy was amazing. Matt Engel. This guy put together an AI video kind of demanding, asking for a shirt.

And he said we could give him whichever one we wanted. And he did such an amazing job. It was so creative. It made me laugh. He put a lot of thought into it, a lot of energy. And people are like, well, it's AI. Well, so what? It takes thought to put, you got to feed AI ideas.

So he did that. And so we're going to reward Matt Engel with the beautiful Simpsons. I forget the name of these characters, but they're like, thank you, Lord. I think they're, I think they're Smithers' kids, or not Smithers. the next-door neighbor. I forget the next-door neighbor with the Christian guy. And Flanders, I think, is his name.

And these are his kids. And so I want to thank Matt Engel for putting together this video. Take a look at it. And the shirt is well-deserved. Thank you for your creativity. And we're going to keep sending these shirts out in the future episodes

as part of the Adam Ray-Harland Highway fashion show blowout. Matt, happy new year. Thank you for your wonderful video. And folks, we'll see you next time. Hey, everybody, how would you like your very own personal video message from me, yours truly? It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic, you want me to discuss, give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun.

Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland. Hey, everybody, it's 2026 and don't forget about my Comzilla comedy tour. I'm coming to your town with my comedy to crush your town or city up. It's Comzilla, my 2026 stand-up comedy tour going across the country from Dallas to San Francisco to all the way over to Pittsburgh, to Atlanta, to Texas, to, we're going. Check my website, Harlandwilliams.com and get your tickets now. They're going quickly. We don't want you to miss out. So please get your tickets in advance. Go online. Order your tickets. so you get the seats you want at Harlandwilliams.com and Comzilla is coming to your town.

You better be ready.