The Harland Highway - T.J. MILLER is Shuckin and jivin' his way through life stories and absurdities, but which is which?

Episode Date: August 13, 2024

T.J. Miller shares his life stories, his radio voice, and his very own T.PB&J Peanut Better! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Doop-de-do, doop-de-do, do-do-do, whoops. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey, you got peanut butter on my Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Hey, you got Maxicker on my Texas butter peanut.

And that could be the new buttered penis peanut buttercup, Texas Chainsaw style. I love this. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. These are optional. I don't know if you like these or not. It's totally, the more I can hear your voice. What I love about your voice is the decibels and the Christoniums and the Rialians.

I can hear them in yours, but in others I don't. I just hear voice. but with yours, I hear all those elements. Well, I think, I always think about you and the word dulcet comes up. That's almost the first thing I think when I think about your voice. And I think about your voice a lot. Dude, are you, are you playing now? No, and if I think of a couple different, you know,

if I think of a couple different things that you've said that all come together. Yeah. Like how that a dull set, like a set of times that the dulcet tones of your voice come out. I got to tell you, I didn't think I'd sit down. I want to right now and get a power comp. Compliment immediately. Thank you. Power comp.

Thank you, friend. Yeah, let's... Tender friend. Let's rack him and crack him. Oh, you know what that's up? Has your dad ever fallen down a cliff and broke his spine? No, my mom did. Isn't that the exact same sound when you crack a pop?

Yeah. It's just, that's that 18th vertebrae. But to me, it sounded like... Your mom's spine? Yeah, because it's the kiss. of death, you know what I mean? Oh, she died. Wow.

Widower. Your sounded like a record scratch. Yeah. It's like... I do more... Yeah. It's just... This is the podcast.

This is just noises. Oh, we haven't started yet. Father? You know what that sound means, we have started. We have started. Wow, a power fairy just went off. I guess I should turn my phone off. Well, you told me to.

I know. So sworey. Oh, you have two phones? Yeah. Are you a call girl? Wow, if that's what you want to call it. What the F? That's what you want to call it, girl.

So what, you have a call for just business stuff, but you have another call for when you go and do your jobs? Suck jobs. What that's what I call them. My suck jobs. Well, everyone knows. Yeah. Everyone knows about my suck jobs.

Player. That's my job. Giving out suck jobs. Yeah. I've been having fun with that lately. I've been saying that audience members in the back. Okay. If they're talking.

Yeah. You can kind of hear them in the back. Sometimes, you know, comedy clubs have like a bar in the back there. And I love just being like, hey, quiet down back there. We know what you're doing. Yeah. You're back there giving each other. suck jobs huh well cut it out this isn't a place if you want to give one another suck jobs

go out in the parking lot where suck jobs belong i can see what you're doing there you love the power when you say suck well it's got it's got the it's got the blow blow job it's not the same job yeah the buh isn't as same as the so nope never has been so if you want if you were gonna pick Do you want the bu or the suh? You want the suck job, not the blow job. I think it's the O and the uck. Yeah. Does that make sense?

Because the uck. It's got that. And then blow. It's either job or. Yeah, mama. Give me a little bit more. Type of thing. Father?

Is that one that you've been having fun with lately? Father? Yeah. Maybe he's been having fun with me. I'm not laughing, but you are. Both of your eyes were just deciding separate thoughts. Like a chameleon? I've never seen it.

Yeah, exactly. They weren't looking different. It just each eye had like a different thought of what you were staring off into in space. Most people look off in space. Yeah. And it's one thought. Like a thought chameleon. Like father and then priest?

Speaking of awkwards. When was the last time you had a good shot? Do you mind me asking? Metaphorically or a literal electric shock. No, shock, I said. When was the last time you had a good, good old shock? Shuck? Yeah.

And I'd say probably, I'll be perfectly honest. There will be nothing imperfect about my honesty right now. And I would say, I mean, it must have been, it was on 4th of July. We got some oysters and I shucked him. because I know how to shuck. I learned how to shuck. I don't know that I believe that. Why?

Well, a lot of people say it. They're a good shucker. You don't look like you know how to shuck, but maybe you do. And so. No, I do. Can you shuck oysters? Well, it wasn't thinking oysters, but I'd love to shuck with you, if you don't mind a good afternoon. I love that.

And I'm going to tell you, this goes really well with my gift to you. Well, can we shuck first? gift later? Sure. I mean, you, that's not what you do with your other jobs, with the other phone. Oh, I've been waiting to shuck with you a long time, my guy. I think so. Oh. Do we do we do it? Do we count down or do we just start shucking?

I mean, what's the adequate to two guys shucking in the afternoon? I think you shuck first, fuck later. it's been great wow and are you are you a big corn guy you fan of corn yeah now i wonder if i shuck too if it was too quick you did shuck hard and quick i don't think that's what it should be do you want to do a slower shock i think so well now it's already been kind of shook well we can chuck again i mean you know we did a quickie let's do you want to do a slow shock yeah we'll grab another one and let's i mean i wasn't expecting to do two in the afternoon so quick but that's a hairy shock what happened watch it go down it takes a minute

that's what happens when you shuck too fast it just goes down now why does this have a a pre-shocked component to it well were you shocking these before to make sure to see how they shucked i think that one's a bit of a hoe like it's been it's like a shuck slot you think it's already been shocked a little bit more that's apparent yeah I can see, I can see an opening. Do you want to switch? This one's a bit more tight. This is more of a virgin.

I got to tell you, I prefer a lot of people don't. I know what you want to say. I prefer a little space for the ace. I could, I saw it in your eyes. You see a lot of things in people's eyes. That's what I've always been proud of you about. I can see your corny is right now. And I'm not even lying.

That's it. And I wanted always to learn from you. You will. To be your pupil. But from my perspective, and this might be cornea, but you can see through a person and then find your way back to the front. Yeah. It's called Reflective Visionary Insight.

And I learned that at DeVry. Did you? Night school. Yeah. You're doing it online, but during the night? Well, you can laugh, but. I love the idea. I can see the back of your head right now.

I took school online. Where, DeVry, it was night's call. So you, you did it in the dark? Right? It's the dark. That's why my eyes are so good. We had no lights. It was night school. You just had to guess.

Is someone delaying shucking? Oh, yeah. Feels like you don't want to shuck anymore. Well, let's go slow. It's shuck nice and slow. Oh. Yep. Oh, I got, listen.

Oh, that's like Orville Redenbocker opening his legs after 17 years. I have an idea for, I'm going to do this. Oh, that's like Orville Redenbocker spread eagling in the back of a 1972 station wagon. Dude, you can shock. Oh, dude. That's taking it nice and easy. It was like Orville Renbacher's teenage son sneak it around to get a good shock while he was downstairs.

Wow. Looks like Orville Reinebocker's son, teenage son, snuck in a little lady with a ladder and an upstairs window. Oh, that sounded like Orville. Redbocker taken off a pair of Ross dressed for less jeans and there was a coffee stain in his groin but he wasn't too happy about that particular purchase so he had it right to burlington coat factory for a better deal in higher quality that's why horrible Redenbacher, it looks good.

Company Ticknics. What? Oh, that sounded like Orville Redenbocker, sat on some Velcro and his 98-year-old balls got stuck. Uh-oh.

Sounds like. Mr. Jiff and Jehosephabat of Jiffy Pop. Thinking about Orbel Redbocker in the corporate competition. Oh, whoa. Pulled his goddamn pubic hair out. Oh, that sounded like one of the children of the corn got their knobs stuck in a John Deere wheat thrasher. I think so. Yeah.

It didn't really sound like anything outside of what it was. Yeah. I'm shucked out, bro. You are? I'm shocked. Have you ever done this? God. With a close friend?

What? what on the name of garlic oh grab a hold wow don't take my pinky with oh wow now we have to have sex with the same woman next

wow can't sleep with each other unless can't have intercourse unless we understand the shocking bond ladies and gentlemen Shucks. You are on the Holland Highway podcast

with the one and only T.J. Miller And my guy, we are here. We are shucking like maniacs. Oh, there is husk flying everywhere. You just toss some husk, bro. Look at that.

Oh, man. That is some con husk flying all over the podcast studio. We got some Shuck sauce. We got some husk sauce, and we get some dingle-dangling, cob on the calm player. Oh, bro. You love it. I love it.

I love the hair. What do they call this? Corn hair? Corn silk. Really? It's called corn silk. And the only reason I know that is because I dated one of the children of the corn. Really?

Yeah, I left them. Well, I left him out in the sun and his nuts popped. That will happen. And it was a girl. It was a trans children of the corn. Nothing better. I thought it was a girl, and then we were out tanning. We were on the beach, and I heard something go pop, and I looked over, and it was her, his nuts.

It was the only trans children of the corn, but their nuts popped, and now they're just corn. Someone told me, and will you indulge me for a second here, someone told, have you heard of tea leave readers? Yes. You know, people can look at tea leaves and read like your future and something. stuff. I'm like that about corn silk. That's what they told me. You were a corn reader. Would you do me a favor and do a reading and read my niblets? And just if there's any insights you can tell me into my future, my business, my romantic life, my when I'm going to die, I don't know, but if you could give me a niblet reading guy.

Well, I can tell that your path is not a straight one. crooked in the sense of we had to bob and weave and nibble it. Nibble. I can also tell that right here in the middle of your life, you had sort of a real upset. And then things kind of went up for you and then found their way back down. But it all sort of evened out here when you had two little, pretty big things happened to you in succession.

that right it's pretty accurate and then uh you're i mean this is obviously your death and uh it's always good when you have two of these uh because that means that once you die you'll slide down one of these they're almost water slides really but they're husks and uh one goes to uh you know hell obviously and the other goes um also to hell but it's a more quick descent you see that so not necessarily a good afterlife for me well sounds like hell is on the menu no no no I think there's well and here it is oh you found it if you can make your way around to sort of get on this track and there's a blocking right here again right in the middle of your life sort of a cluster fuck okay a cluster a cluster a cluster buster yeah and if you can make your way though to this then you have

this this is very few uh nibble readers now this this if you see where it goes this is the ladder to heaven that's the scent to heaven so and then uh right here if you go down this is just these sort of an atheist kind of there but yeah i think you know i think overall it seems like you've made it past some tricky things oh and um angel heart it's only getting fatter oh you know what i'm saying And the size and the girth of the corn means that your life is going to be more and more to it. You cannot. Maybe stroke it like that.

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Visit TD.com slash small business match to learn more. Conditions apply. Next. Okay, folks, T.J. Miller's here. Thank you for that. Talk to me, guy. What's going on? What's happening?

Talk to me. Now I know what corn silk is. Why don't they, do they make things out of this? I think they do. Have you ever been, do you have silk sheets on your bed? Yes. And have you ever put butter on them and salt? you know what no but i've had them off the bed or like off the cob are you more

i gotta ask this i just go over this please are you a more of a on the cob or off the cob type of i'm sort of off the cob like i'll go a little wild like i'll go i'll go ring around the rosy i'll go polar eclipse i'll go total eclipse of the heart i'll go catch me if you can dirty dirty skunk man Yeah, and I've only done a partial eclipse of the heart. What? Tell me when. Tell me where with who, how, why, and did it smell? I don't remember much of it except for the smell. And what did smell like my guy? Corn.

Doesn't it always? It always smells like corn. Right? Yeah, so I am more of an off-the-cob guy. Why? Talk to me. This is, I didn't, I would never would have thought that. Well, everybody likes corn on the cob, but when I ask people,

I ask this question a lot all over the United States. And almost everybody says on the cob, I think eating corn on the cob is pleasurable. It's fun. When you're eating it, the last time you eat it, you say, oh,

I love corn on the cob. I'd always have it on the cob. But when you eat corn off the cob, that's when you think, this is really good. Yeah. So I go off the cob. If I can,

I'll eat it on the cob. I love corn. you do yeah do you eat it for dessert at all i will throw it i'll mix it in with some jello or if i'm having a peppered farm bun cake i'll sprinkle it on the top well if you're gonna laugh maybe i am gonna laugh well maybe this isn't the podcast for me maybe this isn't a guest for you well maybe i'm not the host for me hey no maybe this is not the podcast for us should we go to arby's let's go and do my podcast. It's called the mountainous Miller Freeway. Let's go. You're going to love it. Can we use your studio? Do you mind if I sit here? You can sit there. Great. Folks, T.J. Miller's here. Welcome

to the mountainous. Folks. Miller Freeway. Welcome to the month. On 106 point, uh-oh, the corn. Oh, you have a good radio voice. Yeah, I do. I do it. When I go on radio, I do it a lot. Do you go on radio a lot? Well, we used to, and then after COVID happened, being on radio was a requirement of doing your stand-up weekends. And then freaking COVID happened and nobody does radio and I couldn't be happier because it meant going in a day early. It meant going in on Wednesday night so you could do Thursday and Friday morning at 5, 6 a.m. Hated it. Who can be funny at that early in the morning? Who wants to be funny at that early?

you can and you can't i don't want to and so when covid came and knocked that out now nobody does radio anymore and i la la la la la la love it and i don't even have a stutter i did that tongue thing on purpose my guy this is do you have enough of this what silk oh uh let's get you some silk give me some silk it's a lot fun to sort of touch yeah it is fun to touch it's got i don't like to throw the word consistency at you i know you've had some problems with that in your past, but I don't like it. It's not, it's either the word as much as it's the connotations around the word. I get it. I get it. Guy, you've been hurt. You've been hurt. But this has a waxy consistency. You know what, Harlan, I wouldn't say I've been hurt. I have been left out to dry.

Yes. It comes to the word consistency. You have. I'm not going to deny it. I can read. I see what's going on in the media. You've been left out to dry. It's not fair. I don't like it. But when I, when I got something I got to say about the consistency of corn silk. I'm going to say it. It's got a waxy consistency. What's your take? You might be feeling something else.

I don't know. You know, I wouldn't have said that now that you say it, yes. I think it feels very pillowy. Oh. There's a pillowyness to it. Pillowy, explain. That's not a word in my vocabulary ever. Well, it's not a word, but it's kind of more of a, it feels almost cloud-like.

Oh, billowy. You mean billowy. Billowy. Pilloey. Like a pillow that you put your face on. But billowy is the cloud reference. And when you say pillowy, I got to correct you and say, guy, you're wrong. And when you're wrong, you got to say, yes, I'm wrong, Harlan.

And, you know, later give me $40. I'll give you $60 if I don't have to say I'm wrong. Done. Great. Do you have Venmo? No, thanks. I'm busy. Okay.

I'll call you back. I'll call you later. I'm doing a podcast. Okay. Do you want to do one? Now? Yeah. Here?

Yeah. With... Just say yes. With you? Yeah. Corn? Yeah. Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen, T.J. Miller is in the housing. He's in the housing development. He's in the boathouse. He's in the Bauhaus over in the German areas of the world. He's in every house you could ever imagine. T.J. Miller is here in the Bauhaus. And we are so happy to have him. He's silky, he's billowy, and he's absolutely Wunderbash.

T.J, welcome to the... Welcome, Harland, to my podcast. Thank you for having you. I can't wait for us to be each other. You know, uh, where'd you come up with a name for Harlan Highway podcast? Did you like the alliteration? I don't like illiterate people necessarily, but it makes me feel smarter than them. So yes, I thought if I can come up with a name that makes the illiterates feel even more stupid,

Daddy's going to party on Fun Fun Fun Street. This is a highway to hell. I already, I read your niblets. Fuck, you read them so good. So, Harlan Highway, do you like being on the road? You mean in Toeim's of work?

Yeah, I know, but also in Toimms of as a person, do you like driving? Do you like taking your hog out? Don't you have a hog? Everyone talks about Harlan's hog. And you just gas up your hog and then you're out. Hogging. And some people say that you will hog

for hours at a time. Yeah, well, here's the thing. Most people, when you say hog, they think Harley Davidson, I get it. I have an 800-pound sow that I keep. And I ride this pig, an actual pig, and I just burn down the highway. I put Vaseline and carotene on its legs and light it.

Well, if you're going to laugh, maybe this isn't a podcast for me. I don't think so. I just do not think so. I mean, play or play or one. to play and game wants to recognize game but here we are yeah you're hogging i'm hogging and i am pigging out and a lot of people think picking out it means he's eating a lot of ice cream everything yeah no i eat i actually eat harley davidson's i eat hogs one bit at a time did you ever see that guy who ate an entire car yeah have you see have you see that online oh i didn't say what was his name again

he's uh you know what i thought it now that i think about i thought it was it was you it wasn't you i haven't eaten a car so this guy but i'm open you're wide open i mean you get me a nicely uh greased prius i'll stuff it down so this guy ate he ate a car piece by piece wow so he sort of ground up the glass so that he could eat that and then he was sort of cutting very small round pieces of um i mean of the metal wow and so he went all the way through and uh he ate an entire car and he had a doctor that he was talking to about at the entire time when he went shit was it a cyber truck no it was a cyan but he's kind of he means a short guy what kind of car did he eat i somehow i think it was a like almost a classic car

kind of oh like a like a bentley or something i don't think he could afford to eat a bentley maybe uh well there'd be a nice way for you and i to talk about cars when someone drives by we could turn to i'd eat that car would you eat that car would you eat that car i'd eat that in a fucking new york minute and a san francisco hour oh that fucking prius looks delish you really like priuses huh i do because it reminds me of the word priest and i love priest priests. Father? Do you love priests?

Did you grow up a priest? I love a priest in a Prius, is what I meant to say. A priestess. Exactly. Kind of. Yeah. Did you grow up religious? I grew up.

My parents were very religious. Catholic? Catholic. I'm a God-fearing guy. I do believe in the bigger, mighty force. I believe he's responsible for everything that's come out of my mouth since we sat down. I believe it. And I'm willing to hand that over to him.

And that's why I can say whatever I want because it's not me. It's him. Broccoli, corn, diarrhea, Chinese fish, nostril hair. Not me, him. And nothing bad came of because those were the words of God. God just said them. Flapped daddy, fungus, toenail, grease, big smelly onion butter. Yeah.

It's all him. The Lord, the Lord works through us. Were you as a God-fearing child? yeah right because you did you went to church growing up went to church till i was about 18 and then my you know my dad used to make me go with him and then when i got about 17 i got to the point where i was a bit rebellious i said yeah yeah i'll go i'd go out the door he thinks i went to church but i'd go down to the ravine and skip rocks and look for garbage and you know just wander around of course like all 17 year olds you go look for garbage yeah and i'll be honest sometimes i'd find like in garbage cans like

old porno magazines and you know i should be a church with the lord and i'm led to jacking off with carp well i was too please forgive no he made the carp yeah and he made you say that he wanted yeah he went no i'm in ialus so he's not making me say anything but i am telling you you were jacking off with carp in the vicinity you're a nilist you went to church in in south america oh that's egypt what are you doing are we allowed to touch welcome to I wouldn't. Wait, I wasn't finished. Shaking? Well, you pulled away so quickly. I was trying to... Hallelujah.

Wow. You've got such a silky touch. It's just the way that I do things. When you're younger, did you always, like, think words were funny? Did you always delight in different words? Oh, dude, did I? Did you? Yeah. I love words. Words like, you know, goofy words like eggplant.

Yeah, Pickleberry. Pickleberry dilapidon, which was a Paleozoic-era dinosaur. Yeah, I mean toboggin. I just used that in the other room. Yeah. And the lobby of this office? Yeah. What a dump this place is.

Well, here's what happened. I don't know why you would be in an office building in this neighborhood, is what I don't understand. Because there are office buildings in other neighborhoods that are nicer. I enjoy the challenge of a good drive-by. Yeah, I could just drive to work. I could be lumpety dump, lumpity dump. Again, funny words, lumpity dump. But I come into this neighborhood.

I got drive-by happenance. I got gang guys. I got civil unrest. And my heart's going. I sit down. Daddy's ready to pop some onion buns or whatever they say. That's what they say. I didn't have any shootings on the way here,

but I did have a few people give me that look, kind of like. Oh, here we go. What? So I got a couple of those types of... I'm sorry, if you could just... Those five. You could, just a little louder from my audience.

We've got... What's that? Paul, blunder teeth. He didn't say anything. I just got a look. That was the look that he gave me. You know what I love? Look, what I just saw right now was some acting.

We're actors, me and you, okay? I think so. I watched Rocket Man last night with my wife. Right? Yeah. And you saw my art? I did. You saw my craft.

I wanted it and I received it. I wonder, since we're both actors. Yes. How high. My wife and I were when we watched it. Oh, you were high? She was not. But you were.

I was there. So you sort of saw Rocket Man. I didn't. I saw Rocket Man. You saw it? And I was the first person ever to truly see it. Does that make sense, Harlan? Because I don't know you that well.

I want to make that clear also. And I don't think this camera is working. But I want to make this clear. Let me just check. I don't know Harlan very well. I don't know. I don't know Harlan that well. And don't want you to.

No, I wouldn't. No, never would. And I wouldn't. No. And I won't. No, we will not, even though we shucked together. We won't not. Definitely not.

So I, I don't know him that well, but I will tell you that I have seen him and I have heard him talk and I've imagined him sleep. I don't really know what you look like. If you want to watch me sleep, I'm open to this. I'll take a little nap during this part of the podcast. You just have added him sleeping on his hog, man, that 800-pound pig. Golly. But I don't know him really as a person. I just knew his work.

And, yeah, I mean, to me, this is exciting to talk to him about his work, but also exciting to give them some not criticisms but just prohibitions to sort of say I prohibit you from doing that as an actor anymore and we're back

you want to press that button for me? Oh sorry welcome to Harlan Highway podcast on 106 the frog all frogs from North American Harlan Williams all the time welcome my guest please Mr. Harlan S. Williams, who's recently fucked by a gentleman who tried to kill him in a drive-by shooting. Please welcome.

Harlan, how are you? Great to be here. Thank you for having me. Great. So glad that you're here. A little concerned, to be honest with you, because of your shirt. He has a shirt on that says, Frogs of North America. Harlan, what do you got going out of there? Green Tree Frog?

What's it say, American Bullfrog? What's that one at the bottom? Corus Frog? I'm messing with you, Harlem. So let's start out. Just with Harlan, Harlan, Harlan. Yes, hi. Harlan.

Great to be here. Do you mind if I call you Harlan? It doesn't matter. It's okay. It's your first name. That is my first name. So Harlan, Harlan, Harlan. Yes.

I got to start off here. You are a stand-up comedian. Yeah. An actor. Try. I would do one for that also. Yeah, a big one. You are a writer.

I try a little. No, that's a no. No. No. And you are a director, a producer, a cantaloupe, a farmer who specializes primarily in melons with the focus really on canalo. Gourdes are my specialty. And that's what I was, I was just about to ask that. And were like the pumpkins with herpes?

Were you funny growing up? Specifically about age one to a little less than two. I was, for that year. I was an umbilical core. prop comic when I was that age and then it dried up eventually and then I was a bacon come did you the let's spin mama was that in your act I did the let's spin mama thing I did the bungee jump thing off the edge of the stage some people say originated that good and I did the lassoe the placenta bit and people you can look it up on Google this is great and I interrupted you said bacon you were

well when it dried up my act dried up and you know that umbilical cord it goes from this down to this and then you got I did the bacon in the belly routine for a while and then eventually it falls off it just falls off and I was done so I went through a lull where I wasn't funny till I was about 23 and then I just you know I got into this racket now a guy like you when he's having intercourse you look away do you look up into the distance do you look towards a reflective surface where where are you looking I like during intercourse because your sure as hell not looking in the eyes that's right no you can tell you can tell from his t-shirt go ahead harland i'm looking at the ceiling fan you are because are you tracking it i'm tracking it i'm tracking it i like

my head moving because most of the women i sleep with say they want to have a bobblehead fuck and so if i can do this well i'm giving them pleasure well they want it not me i'd never heard the term bobblehead fuck but they said hey honey hey daddy let's bobble head it let bobble pound me i'm not finished bobble bumble bumble rumped me i want to be bobbled right in the in the pound cave bobble bobblehead my bat the batman cave bubble wrap my bobbleheaded uh blumpkin fuck you know i'm not a girl i don't know the word there's got to be more there's got to be bubbledy dump fuddledy nubbins bubbledy bump

the bubbledy blubbins bobbledy bump bobbledy fuck nubbins yeah that's British that was the British okay yeah yes thank you for asking

thank you for being here I mean I haven't had many guests on the podcast this far and I can say you're one of the most kind of not buttoned up

or not tied down tie died tied yeah just tell them yeah I tried to kill myself with a necktie when I was about 25. That's fantastic. Now, let me ask you this.

I tried to tie-dye. If you don't want to talk about tie-dye, why'd you bring it up, father? At a formal event. Yes, sir. Are you open to wearing a bow tie, going straight for the long tie, or trying to weasel your way into the event without wearing a tie at all? I wear a bow. coming at us strong with the tie thoughts okay aggressive yeah but i like it no i like

oh you won't because it's going to get more aggressive i don't think so you do wear a bowtine well i like to go bow talks to an event and so people don't really know who's coming through the door my face is rearranged it looks like i put my face through a plexiglass window at a burger king and they're like who's that we're not sure let him in could be someone important he's puffy he smells and there's bacon lettuce and a cheese slice on his head something looks like burger king belly button yeah that's the bacon some bacon in there they called me the baconator at the infirmary or whatever it's called no it's an infirmary is it it's very rare that people get the pronunciation right sorry the pronunciation i thought you were doing the botax bow tie where you

get the botox here oh i did sort of opens up into what appears to be. And then people say, hey, are you okay in the neck here yet? And you go, look to, hey, my eyes are down here. I couldn't do it. I had a tracheotomy back in the 80s and a dolphin. That was cosmetic, isn't it? It was.

I had to put in on purpose. And a dolphin thought I had a blowhole as it SeaWorld and it jumped up and the date raped me. It fucked you. Well, raped. But fucked you right in the goddamn neck. Yeah. Dolphins are very smart. And people say, you know, dolphins, they're the smartest man.

animals outside of humans. And I had an experience I was drunk in Hawaii. Oh, is I saying that right. Oh, Hawaii. Ha, hoi.

How about a nice gahi punch. And that's a domestic abuse drink. Hawaii. Sort of like that. Have you ever had Hawaiian pun? I have on a wife beater. I wasn't going to wear it because I'm sorry. It's 2024.

What I meant to say is I have on a passive aggressive husband. and I was drunk in who hey it was a hair plug yeah and I was walking they had dolphins kind of in and around in these pools and I fell off of one of the stone bridges and I fell on a dolphin the story I like to call my falphin and I fell on the dolphin and I looked over and I didn't know anything about dolphins they say they're so smart I looked over and I looked over and I looked over and I look the dolphin in the eye and I swear to you hurland I swear to you oh my god okay I saw in his eyes the whole machinations of intelligence where I saw him look at me and go I would fuck you up right now but it's going to mess with my food I could see him he was mad at me and then he thought about fighting me and then he sort of said I'm going to be the bigger man the bigger mammal are you fucking with me right now yes I am none of that's true And not only is it not true, neither is me saying that it isn't.

We always get you. Ladies and gentlemen, this has been the Harlan Highway with T.J. Miller. And now we're coming right back. And hold on. Should I do a segment now? Or should we flip it back this way? Do you want to keep it like over there? Like I'll do it.

Hey, this is your podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Harlan Highway podcast. T.J. Miller is my guest. We're actors, guy. Can I invite you to do a scene with me? Absolutely. I don't really consider myself an actor. I've gotten better about believing that.

Okay. I consider myself a comedian, but did you always, did you start it as a stand-up? Yeah. And then you were a chimney sweep for two and a half decades, years, I forget.

It was decades, which was 20 years, technically. 20, well, two and a half, so 30 years. 30 years. So for 30 years, you're a chimney sweep. Now, how did you go from stand-up comic to chimney sweep? Okay.

To Undertaker. But that was very brief. Yeah. And to actor. Tell me what got you to each of those places. I was doing stand-up. Stand-up requires crystal clear focus. You know that.

You need a lot of focus. And I'm on stage. I'm doing my bits night after night. Oh, maybe I'm in Cleveland. Oh, A. Maybe I'm in Cincinnati. Hey, hi. Maybe I'm in Duluth.

O.A. Maybe I'm in Miami. Uh, A. Oh, maybe I'm in Ohio. But, well, that's called falling for something.

Hookline and sinker. But what happened? I'd be on stage. I'm trying to stay focused. And TJ, as God is my witness. I couldn't stop visualizing dirty, clogged-up chimneys. That's what I thought. You know, soot.

And my fucking... Ash, trench foot, piece of shit wife. My fucking goblin, hob-nobbin. Keep going. With the urgent, urgent bitch-like fuck withers. Withering fucks. There's a little more, I think. Oh, hi.

Dubai. You don't say. I just did. She told me there's no way it was because he was imagining dirty chimneys. She said there had to be some sort of nepotism, some sort of quality of, you know, somebody got on the job. He wanted some, you know. Dude, I'm telling, I couldn't get through my jokes.

All I could see was clogged chimneys, house fires. Santa wedged in a house in Cincinnati with diarrhea soaking his red pants with the white trim. He's dripping down. Right. He's trapped in a chimney. just happens to be Christmas Eve. Mrs. Claus made too much plum pudding. He's got diarrhea.

He's squirting down. And it's because the chimney wasn't clean. And I'm like, how do I do jokes in, oh, a, you know, Detroit. Yes. And, you know, so. We were waiting. So I transitioned to chimney sweep for 32 years. That's amazing.

If that answers your question. It doesn't quite, but I think I've won an argument with my beautiful, talented. gorgeous wife uh kate kate miller oh i love her she was my wife once too well she was more than once more than a few times she was your wife they actually my my ex-wife now that i found this out she and harland uh were married off and on for about 35 years lute mate everyone loves a chimney sweep ay did you speak like that when you were working that's how i met her we were at a bar i walked up She was sitting there crying, and I walked up, I go, Hey, boy, you drink, love, everyone loves a chimney sweep, aye?

Again, hook, line, and sinker. Soot in her tears. Got her right in the ash. Sit in place. No thanks. I'm busy. Now, can I offer you, what I do is my art, my craft, I'm an actor. Can I entice you into doing a scene with me that I've created? I would love to.

What was the jump from chimney sweep to actor? Or Undertaker, but you can skip Undertaker if you're not willing to undertake that. I was an undertaker. One of the things that I love in my life, as a hobby, it was a side thing, is embalming fluid. And most kids play with it in the driveway. Some kids will rub it around on their stuffies. Some kids will rub it on their grub.

well if you're going to laugh maybe this isn't the podcast for you but some people like to rub and bombing fluid on their grandparents when they're sleeping having a nap and i just thought what would it be like to take a human body a cadaver if you will oh a i will you will i will you will where i'd take them i don't know musso and franks or something just for a little sweet breads it makes sense the oldest restaurant in Hollywood and you take a senior a cadaver in embalming fluid so to answer your question t j miller i just wanted to suck suck innards and flesh and fluid out of a human body so i got into the i got into the biz for a bit and then from there you felt what is the only natural logical step from sucking the innards out of people but hollywood

So you got it. I saw what it looks like. I saw what the inside looks like. The belly of the beast or accountant, the belly of whatever. You get in there. And I was like, let's get on stage. Let's make them chuckle. Let's make them ha, ha, ha.

Yeah. Did you study acting or did you just sort of decide you were going to? Yeah. Kind of. Tovry. Oh, nice go. Theirai Institute of Technology. night school

night school to rye hey everybody check out my merchandise at harbling.com yeah most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie but not me

yours truly guess what I draw my own designs at harbleng.com you can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts you can either buy the original or you can buy a print and, man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal.

So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got copy mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbling.com. Get your Harland original design, wearable art at Harbling.com today. And thank you for your support, and I'll just keep the groovy images coming.

And I would love, if you'll indulge me tender heart, cinnamon tenders, if you'll indulge me, if you're going to laugh, then maybe this isn't the podcast for you. I'd love to. Oh, thank you. I'd love to. Because I do my art. I do my craft. And I wrote a scene for a...

Boy, that sounded a lot like your mother rolling down that cliff again. Wait to you really give her a slip. Really? do you have a do you have the scene do you have the sides there's no sides like can i paint the scenario for you don't want to act with me i do you'd like to improvise no this is well maybe it's a bit of both maybe it's a bit of both but it's a very this is great it's a very look at all these it's a very controlled scene controlled substance when he's on when i was growing up did you ever have a thing with your mother like a saying i was just a little thing it wasn't we weren't like

boyfriend girlfriend you weren't no it's just a little thing like life thing elaborate uh now how about that well that stops the podcast have about i come into your house and shut the door Well, I live in a dollhouse. You better crouch down, cowboy. Well, I can take off my hat, cow hand. Imagine having cow hands. This is the scene, right? No.

So when I was a kid, my mother's name was Lorraine. Okay. Be wonderful woman. Love my mother. We lived in a house in the suburbs in Canada. Pardon you? Bobbitt? Bobbitt.

I don't even fish. okay so we lived in this house in the suburbs i had my bedroom upstairs right down the stairs was our living room my mother used to love to sit and read at night so we'd go to bed no lights on no lights i had i was the only boy so i had my own room my two younger sisters had the bedroom they had to share my older sisters had the bedroom over here you're the only boy of five children only boy my mother's sitting downstairs we'd all have to go to bed because this is when we were younger. My mother's name was Lorraine. Her mother was Velma and Velma's sister was flow. And if you look, I got a bit of a waddle because my grandmother, she had like this pelican

kind of like her waddle was even bigger. And so when she'd call my mother, she'd go, Lorraine, right? She had a bit of a, so when we were laying in bed at night. Does the waddle affect your voice? I think it did a little. So this is what I would do. If you're going to laugh. Sorry. My mother would be down reading. Everyone was just about falling asleep. And just, I don't know if I was trying to annoy my mother or tease her,

but I'd be laying in bed in the dark. She'd be downstairs and I'd just go, I'd assume my grandmother and Anne Flo's voice and I'd just go, Lerang! Like, I would just leave it hanging. and she would yell up at me. So if you would indulge me... Wait, what would she say, though?

And she yelled out, quiet down. This is where you get to act with me, Guy. I don't want to tell you because you're going to play the role of Lorraine down reading, and I'm going to be me as a little boy, and then you get to react. We get to do our art for the folks. This is great. Are you ready? Do you need a minute to...

You're going to keep calling me, Guy. Yeah. Just at least follow it up with Fury. Okay. You don't fuck a, you don't fuck a platoon member with that, giving him a reach around. Guy Fury. Yes, sir.

Guy Fury. Oh, I love it. Are you getting into character? I love it. He's getting into character, everybody. We're about to do our art. He's going to walk around a little. Got to get into character.

That's what we're about to do. All right, Arling, thanks for Adam. that's just his character talking folks that's not that's Lorraine that's Lorraine that's Lorraine starting to talk and he's getting in his head we're about to do our art we're about to do our craft getting into character here he come he's coming back getting into character here we go it's a total character

Lorraine is downstairs reading a book it's nighttime because she used to wear headphones also right? Yeah and your room was miced I remember this story

and action And... Lerre... Marine! What happened with that boy? Certainly his father's time yelling in the rain. Unless it's actually... Shut the fuck up!

You're gonna suck it or you're gonna get fucked. It's gonna hurt, hurt, hurt, and kill it feels good. You little piece of dog eyes! I'm coming up there to suck you! You understand? I'm telling my sister you're impersonating her. You quick-ass piece of doggy!

Mama's coming up there. Mama! Queer bait, son of a bitch. And, God. No, you gotta do one more. Sister? It is her. wow folks this is our art this is our craft this is what we do this is the candy this is

grab one bro call it christmas this is our craft this is what we do wow oh cob it up my guy fury dude you know unbelievable chaucer to gray is that a poetry book I mean, let's see this. Would you read me a poem? I mean, we need something to kind of tape it down a little bit or temper it down. Maybe a nice poem would take the edge off of the anger of Lorraine.

Everything happens for a reason that somehow you had a book of poetry. Oh, here we go. I wonder if it's going to be in a British voice or if a, who knows? Well, why? Why? Why? I know you do a lot of accents. I do too. The lover's resolution.

What? Well, we'll go, okay, okay, okay, okay. So, oh, I can you just, well, then you cause it vallis, burr, hey, hi. Hey. Ah, ha, ha, now, get now, here now, little dog, that go on now. Yeah, go on now.

Get on, get on now, get on. Go on little dog, go, no, don't go back now. Go on now? Yeah, don't come back now. Or the flowery meads in May, if she be not, so to me, what care I, how fair she be. Are you? That's fucking kidding me right now.

Yes. That was one of the nicest Japanese poems I think I've ever heard. Yeah, it was Chaucer. Go ahead, hey, I'll do it for you. Chaucer, I don't even know her. Are you? Yeah. Fucking kidding me right now?

Yeah. You are. okay um look i've given you gifts i've given you cobs did you bring a gift for me friend i texted harland william stripper phone because he's out on the beat a fair amount he's got his ass street side making money turning tricks there it is sound familiar I texted him and I said. Texted him. I barely knew him.

Didn't really work. No, that worked. It did? Yes. I felt bad about it. Well, that's because you're beating up on yourself. It's criticism, criticism, self-criticism.

Harlan, Harlan, Harlan, Harlan. Give it a rest and give yourself a break. Oh, are you fucking kidding me right? Okay. It's the only way to be better is to do serious self-criticism. So just keep coming back and self-flagellating. I didn't know if you would. You did.

I texted Harlan Williams and I said, do you like hot sauce? And he said, I don't really. It makes my ankle swell. True. And I told Kate, I said, look, I'm not going to bring him any hot sauce because I don't know if he's serious or not. In fact, as I recall, I said, are you fucking kidding me right now? And I wasn't. You weren't?

Okay. My ankle swell. They look like children with mongoloid puff adder syndrome. Sure. It's a real condition. Down in the bayou. Down and out, down in syndrome. So, I said, well, do you like peanut butter?

Talk to me. Are you a big peanut butter guy? Look at me. I'll make my own hot sauce. I have my own line of hot sauce. But I also have my own line of peanut butter. I am fucking kidding you. What's that?

All right. I'll see you later. What was that that came out of your bag? What? In the name of Temple Grandin's slippers. Oh F me tender in the night Is that foundation

It's Hold on daddy I brought you because I know you're a fan of fives I brought you five Come to daddy What in the name of Of my favorite I ate a jar of this practically last night.

There it is. It is T, P, B, and J, peanut better. I got a couple of flavors. My favorite is cherry chocolate, and this is real dried cherries, milk chocolate, and honey roasted peanuts. What's your daughter's name? Corn Dick.

Hey, Corn Dick. Can you bring us a couple, like a spoon, a couple spoons? C.D. Maybe a little louder. Hey! Hey! Hey, you better quit fucking doing that. Act like my sister!

Go on, Nick! CD! Get your skinny-ass legs in here. Try Amber. You think? Yeah. Hey, Amber. Hi.

Yeah. Is that okay? Can you ring two? Thank you. I'm just going to stir this one up. You got to stir it up. It's natural peanut butter. You made this? Well, yeah, I mean, I make it.

What the, hey, you have your own food line. That's right. Hot sauce and peanut butter. You come in here. You waltz in here. Well, that was a fox trot, Harlan. Jesus Christ. It's like, what's the point of learning the real steps?

Well, it's a ballroom dancing. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. saying it's classical dancing but it's ever since swing dancing nobody gives a shit if it's waltzing or fox trot wow get this folks i'm taking the lid off oh you got to stir it you have to would you mind calling for a spoon for me can i have a spoon for harlan

no with corn dick okay hey amber can i can we also get harlan a spoon the louder. Harling? Yes. Can we get Anna's spoon? Please.

Amber? Oh, thank you. Amber, do you ever come on camera? You want to come try this? It's my own line of peanut butter. Of course. Do you think I'd let you use my spoon? Arlen clearly has a weird germ thing that he doesn't want anybody to know explicitly.

I don't even want you here. I mean, I don't like that you're breathing my air. Come on over. Yeah, get in there. So I'm going to, well, I'll try it once. I stirred that up for you. So just make sure, Arlen, make sure that you've got the cherries from underneath. cherries

We're all doing it at once Don't do it yet Corn Dick How did you meet Harlan Was he whistling Dixie And a state fair You want to know how she met me? Sure

Aye Everyone loves a chimney sweep I love Hey I love that Uh huh All right Hold on

so it's cherries real dried cherries milk chocolate and honey roasted peanuts you don't have a peanut allergy do you what about a milk chocolate are you ready you don't have anything in it yeah right there it's just a single look this is what it should look like oh i can't do that much my mouth will get stooped to the rough of my face okay if i take a whole spoonful that'll be like a great day and eating this is a little bit different than i think you understand well let me size is much and sanful three that's as much ready

my count I love for hip-hop I'm like in the fluker-hound in China hmm damn that is good

yeah that is a good and peanut butter with some chocolate and chip yeah it's my peanut butter

T, PBMJ peanut better sell it on amazon.com i sell it on please tell me where we can get this peanut bottles amazon dot com can we get this in berlin amazon dot com let me judge or tj miller does not have a website dot com look at this wow that is delicious dude you like that might be some of the best peanut butter i've ever tasted i'm good i've got a drink here it's hard to see a chimney sweet without a drink close by hey dude that is absolutely fabulous and i have i have one that is wow i have uh what you even believe it i almost don't believe that is really freaking good let me look at this

Can I present something to you? Let's hear it. You know, we have this peanut butter. You've created a peanut butter product. In a way, so have you. But I'd like to. You've inspired me. And there's those old commercials that we grew up with,

Reese's peanut butter cups, remember? Oh, yeah. Two guys, one guy's got chocolate. One guy's got peanut butter. They bump into each other. The chocolate goes into the peanut butter. You got chocolate. my peanut butter, no, you got peanut butter and my chocolate, really the first race war.

Really? And all of a sudden, they merged the two and made Reese's peanut butter cups. So in that vein, spirit, I would like to make my own peanut butter product in the same way, if you're amendable to it. well i think you should make this has chocolate in it though i don't mind

so they had peanut butter and chocolate they ran into each other they combined it to make it better but peanut butter and peanut butter i got something even better how about this who doesn't love t j miller corn silk on the microphone

who doesn't love Elvis Aaron Presley. Now, if you wouldn't mind holding that up. Of course. And I'm just walking along doopty, doop to, whoops. Oh, oh, oh. You got peanut butter on my Elvis.

Hey, no. You got Elvis on my peanut butter. What the hell? What the heck? Whoops. Whoa. Wait a. second you got peanut butter on my elvis you got elvis all over my peanut butter and that's just my

first product wait a second what if we started selling peanut butter elvases now you're getting into my head but it doesn't stop there you have various flavors well you know what i'm going to do but yeah go daddy wants various flavors daddy's nervous how about this Texas chainsaw massacre. Hold it up. Doop de do. Doop de do do do do do do do do do. Whoops. I tripped on a hang on. Whoops. I tripped on a cob of corn. Whoops. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Hey. You got peanut butter on my Texas chainsaw massacre. Hey. You got maxsaker on my Texas butter peanut. Your penis what? My buttered dut. You got a buttered penis. Yep. And that could be the new buttered penis peanut butter cup, Texas chain sauce style. I love this.

But we are in Hollywood. So one more. Doopty do. Doopty do. La la. Whoops. Oh, you got peanut butter on my Oscar. You got Oscar.

There's peanut butter. But it's on them. It's near him. Okay, so we just got, I just got Oscar. Hey, you've got Oscar and peanut butter. You like me. You really, really like me. Did that sound too angry?

What's her name again? Garbage face. Your aunt. Oh, Flo. What did she say? Lorraine. Yeah, okay, sorry, sorry. You want to do it?

You like me. You really. The rain. I like it. I want more of it. You sounded like a motorboat. Thank you. Oh, dude.

I got to be honest, so few people say that to me. Right? Yeah. That's not fair. It's not only not fair. It's like people say, TJ, you're so angry at the world. Why? Well, look now further.

Yeah. You've been through a lot. I've been through the ringer. You've been through the ringer. Isn't that great? It's the best. It's delicious. And thank you.

for helping me to create my own peanut butter products Elvis peanut butter cops and Texas Chainsaw Massacre butter cups and Oscar peanut butter cops. Yeah, I liked the last three of those. Are you ready for our final segment, T.J. Miller? I think so. I'm trying to figure out when I really want to dig in here, but I'll do it at the end. Wait, what do you mean? Oh, to promote? we're going to give you your own segment. I would be a fool or remiss or remiss, whoever she is, to not let you have a chance to really just, I want to infomercial this stuff with you.

But before we do, that's not what I'm talking about, but okay. We do this with every guest. It's called Words from a Wooden Shoe. This is an authentic Dutch clog. T.J. Miller. Do you have the other one? No, thanks. I'm busy. but you reach in there's random words pull out a word and see if it inspires a story from your journey

t j miller maybe someone you know something happened to you something you experienced or saw random word for t j miller what's your word my guy fury I don't know if I can Charlatan Okay Charloton I went on a podcast Pretty recently

Okay And I don't know I was trying to be I guess funny or cool or, you know, try to frame myself as someone who's smart and, I don't know. And probably pushed it a little too hard. And I don't know.

In some ways I felt like I was maybe not a poser, but a pretender. Got a little too deep. There was a final segment. and uh he said pick a word and i thought whatever would i pick all i reached into that clog and i uh and i uh and i picked out a piece of paper and i liked the word and there was just nothing there Nothing. Are you

fucking kidding me right now Harlan Williams I am not kidding you My God Ladies and gentlemen

T.J. Miller The floor is yours Butter your corn peanut butter your corn tell them wow a real fudgy stick Wow

Your flavor is born Yeah So Tj Miller Check me on on YouTube, a teenage millionaire on Instagram, not T.J. Miller on TikTok, et cetera. If you can get my peanut butter on Amazon.com, my website, T.J. Miller does not have a website.com. Harlan, this was really a delicious podcast appearance. I really appreciate it. That's so much fun.

Thank you to Corn Dick. persistent um dude that's wax corn it's not real old gnarly pussy your hog it's not real corn gnarly dick pussy was that dude it's a prop dude that's whack it really has the same texture as the silk the silk as i call it the corn pubic hair it's got a corn It's sort of a waxy taste to it. Yeah, because it's not real corn. It's made a wax. I just lost my voice.

Ladies and gentlemen, holy smokes. You wanted to see our art. You wanted to see our craft. You came to the right place. The Halle Highway Podcast. T.J. Miller. This is great.

Comedian, writer, actor, peanut butter maker, hot sauce maker. Tell them about the hot sauce and where they can get that. We didn't even touch on that. Do you have one in the bag? No, it makes your ankles swell. My hot sauce is also available on Amazon.com. I tour. I do stand-up comic.

Tour, to check out his tour. Where can they see your tour, T.J. Miller. T.J. Miller does not have a website.com for all dates that are up right now on 102. point information the highway and do you want to plug something like in the future that hasn't even happened to you yet just in case um yeah please see my christmas film uh in theaters and streaming right now called take us to your santa written by and starring me written with me who's in it with you with me go see his art go see his craft that's it like Lorry.

Until next time. Okay, I'll get her and bring her up. Chicken Chalmain, everybody. Thanks, DJ. You're the best, buddy. Awesome. see you next time gang so you can't air any of that no no that was just for me and you it's fun it was good were you there where during the podcast i tuned out the minute we sat down

how about you well i felt that that's what we were comfortable to continue great thanks for not being here hey everybody how would you like your very own personal video message from me yours truly. It's your birthday, it's your anniversary, it's your graduation, or you just want me to make you laugh. You get to pick the topic. You want me to discuss. Give me some talking points, and off we go. You can get it for yourself or get it for a friend. It's super easy and fun. Just go to the Cameo app on your phone or to Cameo.com. And I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized. Harland.