The Harland Highway - TODD GLASS- Stand up comedian, dinner party host and gum swallower!

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

Comedian Todd Glass tells us about his love for entertaining friends, creating his new show, and gum-swallowing! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

But going back to what I was about to say is my listeners, my viewers, these people, we got in Cleveland, we got Carol Crunch Legs over here in Boston. And Boston, we got Larry Lemonade Lips. Larry Lemonade Lips. Yeah, they're all watching. Oh, I actually know of Larry Lemon Lips. Oh, you do? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's he do for a living? I think he still works down at Denny's. Danny's, yes, it's him, yeah. Yeah, they're all out there, but they wanted me to ask more provocative questions. So here it is. I'm an open book. Do you brunch? No.

Okay, next question. It's not even, you know, really flush it out even a little. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Here we go. Are you, we won't go until you're comfortable. I love you. I'm very comfortable.

This whole thing, I don't want to keep. No, talk. Can I talk about it? Yeah, please. I'm having an epiphany as soon as I sat here. And I'm being genuine, you know. I know you are. I don't know why you just.

Now, that's a stupid thing to say. I was just going to go, everything you do makes me laugh. But that's what a moron says. And you're like, wait. Wait, what? So about the comfortability of a podcast. Yeah.

And I realized, like, this isn't it? It's not like a table. It doesn't look like a conference room. Yeah, yeah. And it's not a sofa. I'm so much more comfortable. I just feel like your bottom half is like, you know what I mean? And then you have something to lean on.

Yeah. I'm so much more, this is, this really would influence if, because I stopped doing my podcast. You did? Yeah. But if I started up again, this could be an influence. I'm stealing your, you like the aesthetic of this. Everything about it. Yeah, I didn't want to do like it, where it's too casual sitting on a couch.

Like I like, I like this configuration where I can look great at you. I've been on some podcast where the guys. right beside you on the couch and you're like that's hard blah blah blah blah blah yeah this this is like caramel corn and candy floss all over my fat sister's greasy forehead and we'll be back right after this whoa maybe we won't uh let's hit the theme music Todd glassy is here gang holy smokes bloody is that like a cold opening maybe yeah this is good say that yeah this is like a cold opening a theme uh And, folks, Todd Glass is here, as I've always called you, glassy.

Did you ever like that nickname or did it rub me the wrong way? Oh, no, I would take any nickname. You might have been one of the only people that ever, maybe three nicknames my whole life, not enough. You want more nicknames? Well, if they're, well, now. What about Lonnie Lullaby eyes? What? I mean, that's a nickname guy.

Good old Lonnie Lullaby eyes. Look at you. Have you ever said that before? No. Oh, Jesus. I swear, at first I thought, I don't think I'm going to like this nickname. I'm not going to just, you know, I'm going to really judge it. And then as it went on, it turned into a nice thing.

LLE. You say golden retriever eyes, basically. Oh, yeah. What is the name again? Lonnie Lullaby eyes. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. What a treat.

Funny, man. Folks, Todd Glass is your comedian, writer, actor. and we're going to get into it right off the top because you have a new show that we've got to talk about. Please, please. First of all, I said, well, why do I have to comment on everything? Maybe because I want you to know the relaxed state that I'm in. Yeah, yeah.

I prefer. I don't want to look like I'm there just to push it. Matter of fact, I'll spend so little time talking about the show. Okay. It doesn't take a lot of time. Okay. But I do like to get it out of the way. Yeah, me too.

Get it out of the way. And then we can end the show. Oh, we'll get you out of here, get you back in your car. What if they go, you know, you can tell in Harlan Schiff, no, he's a nice guy, but if he doesn't like you, you go, and then that happened to me. I'm like, whoa, that's soon, yeah, give you dates.

Let's get you back in your car, get you back to your home where you're comfortable. Glassie, I did a minute, 45 seconds with Theo Vaughn and shut him down. He sat there for a minute 45, Theo Vaughn, out. Joe Rogan, 36 seconds. I don't need I don't need bullshit I'm here to do a podcast Thank you

Oh you Fonged Rogan Sick of this shit I'm gonna agree I like to be the yes man For somebody Because it's fun It's like just

Whatever you say to go Fuck You know Give me a little more To see if I can yes man Like I'm your buddy Always makes you look Well I finally murdered my sister

Thank you Thank you Everyone else I'm gonna murder my sister My friend He said he's gonna murder his sister Three years later, she's not murdered. Oh, idiot.

I did it. At least I followed through. It follows through this guy. I didn't do that good. No, you're fine. No. Edit this out. No way.

Put it back in then. What I'll do is I'll cut it out. And then put it back in. That's my style. Yeah. That's my stuff. And I really am going to do it. Well, I finally murdered my sister.

Thank you. Thank you. Everyone else. I'm going to murder my sister. My friend, he said he's going to murder his sister three years She's not murdered. Oh, idiot. I did it.

At least I followed through. It follows through this guy. Thanks, buddy. I didn't do that good. No, you're fine. Edit this out. No way. Put it back in then.

What I'll do is I'll cut it out. And then put it back in. That's my style. Yeah. That's my style. And I really am going to do it. So tell us about your, your shind. How do you really know whether you edited it out and edited it in?

Is there something you could do? I'm in a blatant. just do it. Yeah, put it in twice. Maybe they'll know. That's what I'm going to do. They're not fucking around. Yeah, I might even pop it in a third time now.

Thank you. I feel like you're dancing around your show. Now you're avoiding it. I think you're avoiding it. You don't even want to plug it, do you? No, I do. Why do you hate your own show? Callers, go ahead.

Classy. And I didn't mind that at all. So I will, I will. Okay. Because I have a little spiel on it. Okay. But it seems it's like I just got to get, if I get it out, Everybody can go home early.

Okay. So here's what it is. Yeah. All this, it's like, how do you, there is a thing, there's a concept reel on YouTube. It's called Todd Glass, the event of a lifetime. Right. And I'm only saying this with comfortability because I didn't edit it, but my friend, Steve Rosenthal did. And he did a great job.

Great editor. He is a very good editor. Love him. And he put this four and a half minute thing together. And it, it's not easy to do that. You know, you want to put everything in the kitchen, sing. Tight. It's there.

Four and a half minutes. When you're done watching it, you're going to go, holy shit. Yeah. It shows exactly what the show is. Two words, I watched it three times in a row. Two words, tight and ripe came right like just, boom. I'll take it. Yeah.

Tight and ripe. What I've already talked about, we can bypass. I've always tried at comedy. This will explain the show that I want to do in New York that I'm doing right now. Okay. Clean thought, Todd. You're explaining the show that you want to do New York and why you have a crowd source. So here we go.

Yeah. So I've already, over the years, always cared about clubs. You know, like the music I play is they're coming in. And I've always, I just wanted to take it to a different level. Detail-oriented. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And I, and I, so I have, it's like a big band, but I thought, what's every opportunity to turn it into an event?

And not just some fucking bullshit line. Oh, it's an event. No, it's a goddamn event. Yeah. I have a saxophone player playing in the street before the doors open. I saw it. It's in the video. It's in the video.

You can see the guy. And it. And then. Sometimes I laugh at you And then I think, wait, he was being funny, right? Because then you got a good, you look stern And then I don't know if I'm fucking up or not. No, no, you're fine.

So, but, so, so I, uh, there's a lot of elements to the show. Yeah. After the show, the band plays in the street. I try to have an ice cream truck. But at the guts of it, it's a very, very tight stand-up show. Yeah. If you're craving stand-up, this is not a one-man. This is a stand-up show.

Yeah. With a lot of production around it. Yeah. Here we go into the close. Yeah. So even this year, I toured without the band because I want to make my stand-up as tight as it possibly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, look, this is, this is like, this is not just the line.

Like, it is very, very high probability that this show will be successful. Yeah. I've been working on it for a long time. How many years are we talking? How many years have I been doing stand-up is the question, specifically on this, five, six, seven years. But I've been going towards this type of show for my whole career. Yeah. So I really believe this.

Here's the close. The only way I think you can go wrong. Yeah. Is to not have the serious, serious funding, not only for production, but to promote it. I mean, I'm talking about like when they bring a play to New York. Not like, oh, 20,000. That's not that much. Yeah.

So we need like $50,000. That's just for to promote it. Otherwise, it's a waste. This is what we're asking for right now. Well, we're asking for this is one of the items. It's a lot more than that. 50K. Well, that's just one of them.

One of the asks. Yeah, no, no, we're not asking for that. I'm just giving you, like, when you break it, we are asking for 140. Okay, now we're at 140. We're asking for 140 altogether. Yeah. But one chunk of that is what I just said. The 40.

It's 40. I'm just trying to give, that's where a lot of the money goes. And then there's production and other things in the band. But anyway, nevertheless, I don't want this to, the only thing that could go wrong is not to have that budget. So I'll wait it out. So when we do it, it's ready. It is something.

I mean, it's something to see. I know that's weird. I'm saying that. No. But it's something to see. It's a fucking night out. It's something to see. Check out the thing that was cut together.

And one of the big overheads you have that I got to ask you about is how many guys in this band? You got a big band set up. That could be part of your big expense, but it's worth it. You know, I don't know if it's good that I tell this or don't. But I think it's interesting. I think maybe, I don't think it ruins it. Okay. So sometimes I'll have like three band members.

Yeah. And like, let's say you get a lot, to me, you get the most out of, if you can have more, I'd have more. Yeah. The most bang out of the littlest drums, keyboards, and trumpet. I mean, they can wail. They can wail. They can wail. Those cats can blow. Oh, my God.

It's a lot of clean noise, you know. And then if you decide to bring in the guy from the sidewalk, now you got, you know, another guy. I do. I do have that guy. So you don't leave them outside, just pissed off. I thought about, when I want to save money, I could go get a local saxophone player, just have him do the outside thing.

That way you're not, you know. Like a busker. Maybe a bus. What is a busker? I was going to just agree, but it's a guy who drives a busk, but in Finland. It's called a busker. Yeah.

No, I don't believe you. I do believe you. It's also a coffee table at IKEA, the busker, and it's got the two dots over the U. Okay, for a million dollars, is Harlan lying to me? I'm going to guess. I'm going to say you are not telling me the truth. Oh, he is.

What is that from? I love it. This is my theme song. Oh, I like it. I thought I heard it a little while. We heard it just a few minutes ago. So nevertheless. Okay, so just jumping right back into it.

So you've got this beautiful big... No, this is great. You've got the beautiful big band, and then you've kicked the sax player out onto the sidewalk. I kicked him out on the sidewalk. I was saying that, so I'll have three band members, but sometimes I'll put in, four they don't have to do stand-up but they have to have you know improv back oh usually comedians

in suits got it good talk to to to beef up the band yeah yeah yeah yeah so to really give it a full full feel when they're there sometimes i've had four comedians and three only three instruments you you can't tell you get bongos you give them tambourines but there's because not only the the music ability the app you know part of the show yeah the bits well it's hard these days to find a funny guy and a mandolin player bundled into one. And if you can put that together, then you got something. You might as well suck the saliva out of my sister's eyelids.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, guy. Wow. Yeah. It's good. Okay. Okay. So keep going.

No, I think I'm all done. So, you know, if, so that's what it is. So at my website, the cleanest way to get them over there, Toddglass.com. Yeah. Boom, it'll take you right over to Seed and Spark. And that's where the website is. And there you can see the trailer, everything. You see the trailer.

It's on YouTube, but it's also there. And a message from me where I break it down. Like a friendly message. Hey, everybody, it's Todd. Thanks for coming here. Yeah. You know, I'm better with the word than the clean on the, writing it on a paper, you know. And if people wanted to crowd fund, which is where they donate a few bucks,

if they wanted to donate to the thing you're doing, the show, there's that. And then is there a little side button where if someone wanted to donate to the freezing sax player out on the sidewalk, can they help him get a meal? Because I like you so much, I really feel like we should go there and start up campaign for the guy out. For the guy on the sidewalk that you won't let in. A heated blanket or something or a space heater for him. Maybe so you had a nice heated blanket for his swollen, puffed up ankles. Or we get him a, you know, a little, I don't know.

Yeah, I was trying to think like a space heater or a mobile little studio that's got glass around it. So he plays, but he's inside. Speaking of mobile. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No, yes, yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse.

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Have fun. Don't throw your back out. One of the things, because A, this thing you're doing shows your dedication to comedy. You're one of the guys that just, to me, you're one of the guys

that lives and breathes and is comedy. I do. I love it. It's you. Like it's in your fiber. It's fun. Yeah.

It's still a lot of fun. I still fucking love it. And with the band, I'm not going to lie. Without the band, it's great. With the band, it's fucking fun.

It's fun. And you've always had this commitment because I'll never forget. I've never seen anything like it. We were in Montreal at the Montreal Festival one year. I'm coming out of a club. A white van pulls up on the curb. The doors fly open.

Some guy unfolds two big things. It's a brick wall. It pulls out of my... He turns around it to you and you got a sign. It's his comedy on the road. You got a comedy club coming out of your van and you're just stopping wherever you want and doing a show. Oh, my God. That high glass mobile comedian started as a joke with Dave Rath and I.

And we go, because comedy was everywhere. Yeah. It was like, what was it? 80s everywhere. And this could have been like even 90. Yeah, yeah. You know, 88, 89. Yeah.

And so he goes, you should, what it was. It was a pickup. It was a Nissan pickup truck. Yes. And then the brick wall would fold up. And then the speakers, some guy made it for me. And the festival saw me do that at the Irvine Improv. I would just go out after the show.

I had a wireless mic. So it was basically a roaming PA system. I know. It was crazy. And they hired me to go up to the festival. They hired me to go up to the festival. Dude, I walked out of one of the clubs that was in the Fed. There you were like, hey, gang, like on this curve.

I was a little embarrassed, too. Some, like, hilarious. I was sometimes I was embarrassed and sometimes I'd enjoyed it. Oh, no. But that's what I mean. Your commitment to the comedy, it's like, dude, no holds barred. I even have a keyboard player with me there. I remember he'd sit in the front seat and he'd do music for me because I wanted music outside.

Todd Glass Mobile Comedia, man. Wow, unbelievable. He lives a breeze. Well, congrats on your show, buddy. And thanks for the good 20-minute plug. and I hope we get people to go to it. Let's say the name one more time. Oh, we, seed and Todd, I think it's Toddglass.com.

Yeah. Takes you right over to Seed and Spark. What's Seed and Spark? That's the, that's the, the crowds, the crowdsource, I guess you could say. Seed and Spark? Seed and Spark. They do a lot of indie films and stuff. I like them.

I like the whole vibe over there, you know. Oh, sounds like a law firm down in the, Seed and Spark. Yeah. I like it. For gardeners. Seed and spark. God. Have you been, have you, have you had a, you know, a client not pay you the money they deserve you?

Yeah. After you've taken care of their lawn for months on months, call the lawyer firm of seed and spark. We'll take care of all your garden needs or whatever garden laws. Yeah. You would trust them if you were, like if you're back, you're a landscape or someone won't pay you. Yeah. You know, Paul Seed and Spark. Seed and Spark.

They're good. They're like the Larry H. Parker of the garden, the greenhouse set. Yes, yes, exactly. So one of the things, but you came on an interesting episode because my viewers have been saying, you know, I should be a little more controversial. I should ask more poignant questions. Oh, okay. Get in deeper.

Let me chew gum because it makes me relax. But I won't be loud. Oh, I'd love it to chew gum with you if you don't mind. Yes. Can I tell you what this is why I love this? stuff and they're not a sponsor um they're dub what's it called hubbub hubbub hubbub is not a sponsor no but hubbub it is good wow this just comes out like a strip like a strip yeah you know how the this is the flavor of the baseball gum which i do think has a good flavor but that's always old

this is like brand new baseball gum it's like that's what it tastes like right yeah comes in like a case i mean most gum you unwrap it in paper that comes in a plastic gum case Can I tell you something I'm being totally honest with you? Please, please. I love it. I didn't always hide when I took some out in the airplane. Like I go through phases of lovingness. So I wouldn't always hide it.

I would just open it up and take a piece out. And then one day it just happened. I looked at it from another person's perspective. And I looked like, really? Is this guy like, he's eating this bubble tape. So now I do it out of my bag. I like hold it in my bag and I'll rip a piece off. Oh, wow.

I'm embarrassed out my bubble tape out in public. But maybe when you do it from the bag. Not here, not here. Yeah, not here. No, it's out in the open, but. On a plane. I would think if you're on a plane and you're pulling a strand out of a bag where you can't see the casing. No, I mush it up in my hands.

Oh, so you're not because I would think you're just pulling the lining out of your bag and eating your bag. Which? Which. Just eat in your bag. Oh my God, just a visual. Yeah, right? Just like, wow. It looks like the stripping from inside, like, a gym bag or whatever your bag is.

No, I do it. You know, you know it. I, like, I reach down. Yeah. And then I, you know, I take a lot, like, and also I take probably the equivalent of four pieces of gum yeah you've got like big wads going like when you came in i could hear you chewing no you did yeah it's like a manatee going off no shut up no it was it was like you ever see a manatee under water like eating sea kelp and just it was i was like that okay guess what i just swallowed

my gum because i will not be that person yeah i can't that's going to be in you for seven years harland this is the truth i'm only telling you this so you'll know how serious that i'm telling you this i'm not proud of this but like on my podcast amongst all the absurdity sometimes out of a safe word, it would be truth. That way, okay, I'm going to listen to your story because it's important. I'm not, so truth, I have never. I mean, look, I'm going to say never, maybe 20 times. Yeah.

Never spit a piece of gum out my entire life. What? Yes. Have you stuck it somewhere? No, I'd swallow it. You just swallowed your gum. Yeah. Open your mouth for the camera right here.

You swallowed your gum? I swallowed it. That stays in you for like seven to 12 years. I heard that's not true. My doctor told me. that's not true. Well, this is true. You're going to fart later and your asshole's going to blow a bubble.

I used to say, my grandfather told me if you, wait, basically that. I used to have a joke. My grandfather told me if you swallow your gum, you're shit out of bubble. And then I say he died a week after that. So, uh, I just said it. How was his voice, though? Did he say it like, if you swallow your bubble gum, you're going to shit a bubble. You know, it's funny.

People don't get old voice as early as they used to. Like, you know, I think in like when I was little, it seemed like if some, No, no, I know this has been talked about before. Yeah. If somebody was like 50, especially when I was little, they were, they had old. They were old. Yeah. Yeah.

Now 50 is like people are going to the Playboy Mansion and eating rhubarb. Yes, exactly. Did I digress? You were going somewhere. You go, oh, they want to see you be more controversy. Well, before we do that, dude, I'm a little worried that you swallowed the gum because is, is it scientifically proven that you will pass the gum or will it sit in there? Well, you know, as I said to you, I asked my doctor.

I'm being right. Did you, Todd? Or is it in your head that you did? Yeah. And I'm almost positive. I asked a doctor once. Okay. But let's say I didn't.

Let's say you have that in your head, but you didn't. Okay. Aren't I living proof? I mean, the gum would be. Yeah. It would be everywhere. My body would just all be gum. Yeah.

What if I bit into my thumb and blew a bubble? Whoa. Bubble boy. Bubble boy. There you go. Do you want to have some more gum? I feel bad that I forced you. Your chewing wasn't.

Here's the thing. It wasn't irritating. It was soothing, to be honest. I don't mind it sometimes. I guess it, but I know it's a thing for people on podcasts when you eat into the mic. Even nice, nice people will go. It's so I go, oh, when you said I was loud. I'm going to say it was loud, but there's a real pentameter to your, you're chewing.

It's almost sort of musical. Oh, please. Yeah. Well, you didn't have to. Yeah. Please chew some more. Well, you know, since you're giving me, the people that listen to your podcast

are not going to get mad at me for chewing. No. It's fun to chew gum and talk, so. It's going to be soothing. A lot of people mostly listen to this podcast to fall asleep at night. Oh, okay. And your chewing will just be sort of like,

like being in the womb. Thank you. That makes me feel better. The double bubble womb. But going back to what I was about to say is my listeners, My viewers, these people, we got in Cleveland, we got Carol Crunch Legs over here in Boston, we got Larry Lemonade Lips.

Larry Lemonade Lips. Yeah, they're all watching. Oh, I actually know of Larry Lemonade Lips. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's he do for a living? I think he still works down at Denny's. Danny's, yes, it's him, yeah. Yeah, they're all out there, but they wanted me to ask more provis.

provocative question. So here it is. I'm an open book. Uh, do you brunch? No. Okay, next question. It's not even, you know, really flush it out even a little. Um, you meant, when you said you mean brunch, you mean to eat the luncheon? Yeah, do you brunch with friends? I look at you and I go, there's a bruncher. Like I pitch you out on a Sunday. You want to know the truth. Yeah. Um, I, I don't eat during the day that much. I'm not that hungry. during the day. But brunch is kind of... I know, but I won't eat.

Because once I eat, I'm done for the day. Like, I can't eat at five. I can't eat before a show. I can't eat. That's why I eat late at night. I know it's the worst time. But once I go, oh, if I eat this, I'm going to be stuffed. I'm like, good, what do I have to do to that I can be stuffed?

I'll drive home. I'll sit in the sofa and I'll watch television or something. But I don't want to be stuffed before I go out. Does that make sense? Who cares? I'm sorry for talking. No, maybe that's why the gum chewing is. is in play because it, you know, you don't have to eat.

You fool yourself. You're psychologically double bubbling yourself. It helps me. Jolly ranchers have been a savior to me too. Oh, really? Like if I don't want to have a dessert, I don't need to have like some. What's a jolly rancher? You know.

Is it like a squishy candy? No, it's not squishy. It's more like a hard candy, but the flavors are great. Like sour apple and stuff like that? Some stuff like that, right? And normal grapes, but all the flavors are just very vibrant. Wow. flavors and jolly ranchers they're good how'd they arrive at that name like a rancher jolly

rancor it's funny you hear that but you know like jolly okay jolly jolly it's jolly yeah like i want to know you could probably google it like why am i talking like that i don't know maybe you have early onset of dementia no i hope not well you might i might everybody might get over it already get over it over dementia i'm just going to actually tell people i have it i go you know what i live every day. I'm trying my hardest. Yeah, you're trying it. People go, Todd's doing pretty good. But you don't you don't hear jolly. Like, when was the last time you ever used it

in a conversation? Hey, there goes a jolly guy. Well, I could see you using it. Yeah. Because you have a very colorful, what would you say? Yeah. Vocabulary. Yes, yes. Very playful, jolly. Yeah. Did you have a jolly jumper when you were a baby? Do you know what those are? Something like it I most likely had. Remember that they had the,

in the door frame and your parents would hang. Yeah, we had that. The Jolly Jumper. Is that what it was called? That's what it was called when I was a kid. And the kid would bounce in it in the door frame. And they just bounce up and down in the Jolly Jumper. Oh, can I tell you something?

I'm almost positive. If they had that for adults somewhere, who is, maybe it's some theme park and it's like a gimmicky thing. So, you know, you miss your job. I bet that would still be pretty soothing. Oh, yeah. Just because you get in the doorframe and you bounce up and down. It's only as much as you want.

Yeah, they're little legs. And I remember my little sister was in the Jolly Jumper when we were kids. And we had these neighbors across the street who wouldn't shut up, partying, Van Halen, music, everything. And one time I got so mad. My little baby sister was bouncing up and down in the Jolly Jumper. I got a Sharpie and I wrote shut up on her forehead, pulled her back and shot her across the street.

right through their living room window. Yeah. They were pretty quiet after that, glassy. Dear sweet, glassy. Let me tell you something. And I don't want to just keep saying it because I know it's not, you know, I get it, people smoke pot, who cares?

Yeah. If you're watching this out of my panel and you think, oh, Todd's over laughing at Harley, yeah, you smoke pot and rewatch the show. And then I'm sitting right here. It's a lot. It's good. I love it, by the way.

I'm sitting right here. It's a lot. It's good. I love it, by the way. I love it. too. And I'm that little bit you just did there when you went like this. I'm going to re-edit that back in again. Oh, thank you. So if we hit that twice. Thank you. You're welcome. You've always been nice to me. Yeah, you're going to get a double bubble. Hey, did you swallow your gum? No, I couldn't.

Okay. I'd be scared. I'd be scared to swallow it. Well, seriously, and I'm not, what do you think about the fact that don't I represent that you can swallow your gum? Unless I'm lying and you go, he didn't swell. I'm telling you, why would I brag about such a stupid thing? True. But this is such a new. thing to me. I've been doing it my whole life. I'm 32. But it's the first time I'm here. 32.

32. Just go along. Okay. I'm sorry. It wasn't worth that bit. No, it was great. I stopped you. But I, I, this is my first time hearing it as a human being, swallowing, and then

you did it right in front of me. I'm still in a little bit of acapalactic shock. You know what? I've never done this before. I like that word. Yeah. I've never done this before. But can people email?

you somewhere if there's someone else out there going I guess I choose yeah is there someone else it's it more common than we think are there I know there's people that don't do it I get it most people don't do it but are there people out there that are going yeah I don't I don't this is great because there's a phone number right there if you want to call it and comment about Todd's gum swallowing 323 696 0222 oh they can call they can call and leave a message leave a voicemail and don't please if you if you know it's bad for me that That's okay too. But what we're really going for here is there anybody out there that goes, that swallows their

gum? Yeah. And I don't chew a ton. Well, I would say I chew about one of these a week. So like two suitcase liners a week? Two suitcase liners. Wow. Anyway, so here we are.

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and I'll just keep the groovy images coming. So I heard recently, I was reading an article about you, and it was a pretty powerful pieces in the New York Times and they're talking about how you ran into some problems with the food rating system here in L.A. where they put the letter in the window. What the hell happened, guy? I went to a restaurant. Yeah. They had a D in the window. Yeah. I'm like, and next to it, the guy wrote, Alicia. Yeah. I'm like, whoa. You don't get it. I went up to the guy. I go, sir, you don't give it the, you got a, did you get a D? Be honest. Yeah. Now I got it delicious. Wow. I go, sir, I'm like, I'm like,

I'm not usually argue. I don't usually, because they say if you argue with an idiot, no one knows who the idiot is from the far. But I couldn't help myself. I go, sir, then why is the D professionally written, like in blue, like it's printed? And Elysses is written in a, like a black magic sharpie. He goes, that's what my wife said.

Wow. I go, sir, you're mind-fucking me because it's supposed to make it look like even he's saying. Yeah, my wife's saying the same thing, but I didn't do it. So, anyway, I ended up getting him closed down. You did? He got deported. Oh, I don't like that. joke deported part of it yeah uh you know even

that's also d it could be d and then he didn't get he didn't get you know even in your bit sometimes i'm like i don't want sadness from somebody so uh he he got he lost he just the whole building burnt down he got insurance and he's living in the bahamas well i went to an arby's down in uh in uh in uh westwood and they had an f in the window and there was an ock off Oh, Oh, God. Is that a true? Are you a socializer or do you keep to use?

Oh, God. Are you, like, you peaking up your gun? Oh, my God. Did you, did you regurgitate like a cow? Like, do you chew your cud with the gum? Oh, top. I was, I was, it's, it's a bad habit, I think because it's like food. So it's like eating a cookie.

How long can you mush it around your mouth before you, you know? So I go to swallow it like, because it's like, like it's food or something or a candy that you can swallow. And then I didn't want to. So I was like, it was right at that point when I could have, but then I saved it. It was just sort of hanging right around by your uvula. Exactly. Oh, wow.

But now it's back. The uvial actually looks like a piece of gum too, doesn't it? That little, that little pink thing that dangles it. the back of your throat. Looks like you could certainly make a little fake one out of this hubbubbub if you needed to for whatever reason. Do you, are you a mouth breather at night? Because here's why I'm asking, I'm a mouth breather, so I breathe with my mouth open. And one night I woke up in the middle of the night

and four elves with boxing gloves were punching my ovula. It was unbelievable. Now that I believe. I do believe that only because the other comedians that told me that story. Okay. You woke up. Say what happened again? What happened? No, seriously, what happened again? You woke up. I woke up in the middle of them. And four elves with boxing gloves or my ovula.

Oh, did you freak out? No, I swallowed them. Oh, you swallowed them. They're gone. Oh, dear. So do I, I don't know. I know I don't, I snore if I gain a certain amount of weight. Oh, really?

It doesn't happen overnight, but it's a 10 pound. now I'm below it and life is better. I snore when I go over a certain weight. I don't know this. Some people have nothing to do with their weight. Some people it does. But it's very almost, I know on the scale, like don't get to 1.95 is what my, my nice weight, 190, 199.

1.95, yeah. I can go to 2 and I still don't start snoring, but 205, it starts. Yeah. And it's life sucks because I choke and I wake up. Oh, really? And I don't get a good night's sleep. So it's more just aesthetics that I feel. feel better when I'm like the 30 pounds later.

Oh, yeah. But now I'm not at my thinnest, but I'm not snoring. Do we want to talk about the event that happened, or has that been talked to death? What event? You know, with the old ticker. Oh, I don't mind. I talk. Have you been, everyone asked you about it, though?

Because I'm a little bit fascinated, but if you don't want to, if it's too sensitive, I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to go there. I, I, I, more than that. No, I'll talk, because you talk about different things about it. So it's, it did happen. So I don't mind. I like talking about.

Well, for those that don't know, Glassie had a heart attack when you were, what was it about four years ago? It was 11. I just swallowed my gum again. And this is why the heart attacks happened. Oh, you. Doc, hello. Hello, Dr. Bubble.

Dr. Bubble. They're going to be my new. Yeah. It was 11 years ago. Oh, okay. It was 11 years ago. Scary as shit. Let me tell you something.

It was. I'm not even I'm being totally serious I always had a vision of what a heart attack was so for the people you know that don't know it was at Largo

it was Sarah Silverman friends and there was like Jeff Ross was there and Sarah Silverman Chelsea Peretti and I was going on and I did this bit where I ran through the crowd

so I thought that's what So this happened out of show it happened to know that Oh you didn't know that Oh you didn't know that yes so I'm running around the audience doing like a bit before I take the stage

Yeah and and And then I, of course, so that made me think, okay, you're out of breath because of that. You know, that was a good, if I hadn't done that bit, I probably would have been a little bit suspicious of why I couldn't get ahead of my breath, you know. Do you think the running triggered the heart attack? Well, that's a good. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, yes, it couldn't clog my artery. Yeah. You can, you know.

And, um, let's just say it bubble gum filled arteries. By bubble gum. Oh, God. I wish, if standing up. wasn't so, you know, I didn't want to make a ruckus. I would give you a standing ovation a few times tonight. I wouldn't, I wouldn't mind one if you can't mind standing, just for that one. I'd love it.

I would love. You know, can I tell you, no one gives anybody a standing ovation? I've done it naturally a few times during my podcast. I'm going to give you one. No, no, no, no, no. I'm going to have to get up in the chair. Wait, I don't want to have a bubble attack. Thank you for that.

That was a very nice. standing oh and uh so so at one point i just uh after the show i couldn't get my breath and i thought it's because i smoked pot oh so you did the show i did the whole show technically you did the show while it was occurring i asked the doctor later the dr doe had i said how do you know when i was having a heart attack because he goes oh you're having a heart attack during your show i go how do you know that and i don't remember his exact answer because i didn't want to just believe that i had I did a show, and I'd like to put it under my, you know, a feather in your cabin. I was having a heart attack.

I did 40 minutes. Yeah, that's a great. And he said, just by your, where your, you know, what your heart, what your problems were. And what happened when we got you here and you put everything together. So, but I didn't want to call an ambulance. And finally they did. And I remember thinking, oh, no, I don't. It's embarrassing.

Yeah, of course. It's embarrassing. It's weird. And plus, you don't know for certainty that that's what it is. Exactly. You're like, oh, everyone's making a big to-do. Isn't that what happened sort of with Gary Shandling? I remember when I heard the story about his passing

that the night before he had all these chesters, he's like, oh, I'm not, and he never called anyone. It's, you know, I forget how my, I think my brother said it once. Of course, it's not good or healthier. And people that have it don't like it. It's a stressful life to be a, where does it, when you think a hypochondriac. So you don't want to be a hypochondriac,

but it's not being hypochondriac, at least the way I go live my life whatever it is go get a test go get an MRI like rule out so you don't later have to go ah there are some you know things you could do so it's a wasted trip yeah you know what I mean does that make sense yeah I'm going you know what I'm going one of the reasons I wanted to ask you about I'm going this Friday good get a test to have one of those full you lay on the table and they do the the full x-ray of your heart right everything that type of stuff like yeah because then you get ahead of stuff there's so much technology Now, if you get ahead of it, there's certain things, it's still rough.

But anyway, so they, they, luckily were right across, they took me over to Cedars. Oh, yeah, you were right there. Largo's, like, right down the street. And then when you got there, was there ever, it sounds like you had like a, like a pain in you, but was there ever one of those like, like, like moments where you just, like, buckled over? No, I didn't have that type of pain. Oh, wow. But, but when the guy in the ambulance told me I'm having a heart attack, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

not kidding, this is literally what I said. He goes, sir, right now you're having a heart attack. And I go, shut the fuck up. Like, meaning like, what? Like, I thought when you had a heart attack, you're like, flailing around. I don't know why. Or dead. Or dead.

Or you can't even talk. Yeah. And I'm like, here I am. I'm having a heart attack. Well, hello, let's get me over to the hospital. And then they got me over there. And, you know, it all went well, you know, the doctor came very quick. What was the name of your doctor again?

Dr. Dohaad. that guy was the real deal. Doehead. Dr. Dohaad. Doe had. Dr. Doe had. I asked him if I was going to need, by the way, in the hallway, I passed by, like, Flanagan from Largo, the owner and Sarah and Chelsea Peretti, I forget if Chelsea

was there. Oh, all the comics went over? They went over, like three, and they were at the hallway, like when they were taking me to surgery, they let you stop. It's funny, I said to Sarah, but I'm all doped up. I said, yeah. They stopped and let us talk. She goes, they didn't stop really that long.

She goes, they were rushing you to surgery, but they stopped for like, say goodbye, maybe forever, Sarah said. So they didn't say that, but Sarah goes, it's weird. If you think of it, that's, it could have been a possible outcome. Right, exactly. It's so scary. So I said, but I thought I do, I'm not changing this around in post to make it like more funny than, but I literally thought, be funny.

Like you've got to say something funny. And all that came to me was, Sarah, I just want to let you know your boyfriend cheats on you. So Sarah says back, she says back, Todd, if you live, this is going to be very uncomfortable. That was the moment we had. Fum, and off to the surgery, I went. Wow. And I asked the doctor if I would need open art surgery. He was like very, I just had a good, this guy had a great energy around him.

Dr. Doe Boy? Dr. Doe Boy, he would love it. He goes, I don't, he goes, let's get you in the surgery. I don't think we're going to need to do open heart surgery. Let's get you in there. And he was right. They didn't need to. They didn't need to do open heart surgery.

Can I tell you? Please. I remember thinking. By the way, the reason I'm asking, I don't think I've ever met or talked to anyone in my life who's out a heart attack. So what happened? I'm bypassing this one part of it, but I'll get to it. But since I've never talked to you about it, I'll go back and tell you, then we'll come back here. Okay.

There was a point, but Harlan, I'm not like, why do I say that a lot because when something sounds comedic in your life you want to preface look I know this sounds like you know not really something that would happen but I remember them pulling my pants off and it was so embarrassing because you know there's like there's my like I'm like there's your dick because it is just laying there it was right there right there underneath your pants underneath my pants and they pulled my pants off you know your heart's way up here right I'm already having a heart attack what do you

you guys trying to do what the hell was dr dofingers doing he wasn't even in the room at this point oh god who was johnny vaseline hand yeah what's going on in there it's like dark porn you know good lord so so uh so uh and i just was like you know uh just just thinking like you're so vulnerable so vulnerable right and in my act i say i just wanted to you know like Like just get it a little nice for the doctor. But anyway, but anyway, they bring me up when they brought me in, they got the surgery, came back into my room. Yeah.

And this will tell you everything you know about to me, about me. I'm in my room of like five in the morning. Okay. Now it's like five, six in the morning. Okay. And I told the doctor, I go, I feel like I have blood rushing through my body because he came into the room at that point. And he goes, you do.

He goes, your main artery was. like a hundred percent blocked a hundred and i ran for an hour and a half that morning on the treadmill i ran every day so you know but but not with the exhilaration and then i was afraid afterwards because i go to the gym every day he goes you can't i go what happened if i ran like for three hours straight he goes you can't run your arteries clogged he goes you could get heat exhaustion and faint but he goes if you take if you test yourself every year i go twice a year You do? I take the lipitor.

I changed a lot. I don't smoke. Yeah, the moon could fall out of the, you know, whatever that expression is. He goes, Todd, you, you're safe. Like, go live your life. Yeah, he goes, you're fine. You had no damage to your heart. And if I needed open heart surgery, I thought, I don't know why I thought this,

it would have put me into, I've never been depressed. I get into funks, but I think it would depress me. I remember, you know, my friend, they split your ribs open. Yeah, they open. Didn't they do that to Letterman? Yes. They open this whole rib tape. They did it to my dad when he was 30.

Oh, God. And they ripped your, and I could have, what made it that it would have got me into, I could have prevented it. I was supposed to be on Lipitor. It existed. Oh, wow. And I got off of it. I just got off of it.

So you were on it and you got up. Oh, wow. And I went and had a test after I'd been off of it for six months. And I said to the doctor, by the way, I'm not on the, whatever, it wasn't Lipitor then. And he goes, oh, he goes, if you can not be on Lipitor, I'm never, in medicine's never the best way if you can do it naturally. So I was like, oh, okay. And then I slowly stopped doing it naturally. Oh. And then boom, my artery's clogged. So what is the medical reason that your specific artery just clogged right up? Was it your diet? Was it your diet hereditary? But, you know,

it's not so hereditary where I haven't changed it drastically. So I think it's mixed a little bit of hereditary. But I think the danger of that is using that as an excuse. Oh, it's hereditary. All right, you can still do something about it. But I never understood. because you're a young, healthy-looking guy. So when you say diet, I figure everyone on planet Earth eats a certain amount of junk food, a certain about, but I feel like you've got to be eating like buckets of grease every day

to completely 100% clog your age and with your physique. Well, you know, that's why there's that ad. The guy, he looks like he's 50, but in like literally like 25-year-old shape. Yeah. And he's walking off a diving board. and he's going to jump and this guy's like and then it gives his cholesterol stats you know at the bottom it goes hey you know but it's it is it can be hereditary or you can luck out and not but um yeah but i but i do

eat i mean late at night and not being on the lipator that's the thing i have a my my sweet tooth is still there late at night and i had a lot of bad food but i did quit smoking and i did do a lot of good things but now i used the lip atore to to make up you've changed your habits yeah no well yeah a lot But my eating, oh, late at night, I can't. It's, I go, it's hard to stop. Oh, I would have a pizza. I'm always hungry. Right now I'm hungry.

Is that real? 7-Eleven pizza. Are they ever the best? I'd never had one. Well, if you're on Lipitori, it might as well. Wait, where did you get this from? 7-Eleven. No, but where did you have?

I know, but where did you have it? Well, right under here. For what purpose? Well, I was going to give it to you at the end as a present. Oh, thank you. I wish I could heat it up. Well, if you put your hands on it, how warm are your hands?

Well, thank you. I never had one. Yeah. But I will tell you, never mind. What? Well, I got a, like, you know, one of those cheap little, they're like, oh, here we go. Oh, Jesus Christ.

What is it? You know how they have, they're like gigantic toaster ovens. They're like little pizza ovens. But they're not, you know, it's like $120. Yeah. But you can put like a small pizza in it. I learned that even the cheaper pizzas at Vaughans, like if you go get a few, like just a simple pizza.

Yeah. And, you know, you can sprinkle something on it, give it a little, pulling it out of the oven, probably what I'm saying, this is because probably it's true with this. When you pull it right out of the oven, it tastes pretty better than you think a lot. Do you know what I'm talking about? A simple little pizza, fresh out of the oven.

I have a little sauce there. I can dip it in if I want to. What's the sauce? I, you know what? I use red sauce or pink sauce. Sometimes I'm in the mood to dip it in pink sauce. What's a pink sauce? Pink sauce is like, it is pink, but it's like, you know what?

It's like red sauce, but I think it's the equivalent of adding a little cream cheese to red sauce. And it turns it pink and it's got a sweeter flavor. You've never had pink sauce? No. I mean, I don't, I don't recommend making a pink sauce pizza, although it might be okay. But I just sometimes dip it in there. But nevertheless, I can't believe you would probably like it. It's just a sauce, just so we're clear, it's a sauce and it's pink.

It is pinkish, yes. So it's just a colored sauce. There's no food derivative. It's just a, it's like melting a crayon. No. I mean, just pink? Do you like red sauce? Uh-huh.

Red, what's wrong? I don't know what that is. No, yes, you do. Yes, you do. What about, I'm glad I thought of that. That's a good one. You red sauce. Red sauce, you're like, you're fine with red sauce.

Oh, you read like a crown. They just melt crowned down and you have red sauce. Wait. aren't sauces? Isn't it supposed to be like... White? Like butter sauce or garlic sauce? Butter sauce.

Isn't there supposed to be like food attached? It's not just a... Sosses aren't just a color. I can't believe you said butter sauce. What do you mean? Oh, because of your heart? No, that was my other nickname. Oh, butter when you're on the soccer team.

When I was on the soccer team. Oh, my God. Here he goes down the left side. There is butter sauce. He's running a butter sauce scores. Butter sauce. I thought I'd never live... I thought you said it for that reason.

Yeah, I forgot about that. It's okay, it's okay. Wow. But thank you for the pizza. Oh, you're welcome. Is it really for me? Yeah, that's for you. Because it's still cold.

Yeah, I just pulled it out of the freezer not too long ago. Oh, okay, cool. All right, thank you. The frozen pizza. 7-Eleven, baby. Do you entertain? Are you seem like a guy who likes to, like, get with your group of buddies and, you know, socialize it. Are you a guy that likes to open up to your friends and talk to them?

or you more guard it. I feel like you're more the open, like you can talk about it. Just the way we talked about the hard thing. Yeah. I like people, having people over my house. You do.

It's easy to park in my neighborhood, so that's an advantage, you know. Bingo. So I think about that. And I, you know, I don't like to, I know how to create an atmosphere. I'm very good at that. Oh, wow.

So I have a fire pit in my backyard, which a lot of people do, but there's not cement benches around it because I see a lot of people that build fire pits, even when they have, like, so much money, you got to put, like, comfortable chairs around there. Oh, okay, yeah.

You know what I mean? If you ever build a, do you have a fire pit? I do have a fire pit. Oh, shit. I hope I didn't insult you. No, no, not at all. No, I have logs around mine. I have the, nice, nice.

So I have a fire pit, and also I just know how to, like, you know, it's basically stealing ideas. Like, when you're ahead of a nice hotel and you see a torch, I remember thinking, isn't it weird how one torch, let alone three? Yeah. And, like, I don't have time to,

light 100 candles because I'm impatient, but if I go, if someone's coming over my house and I go, yeah, come over, or I'll run into the backyard, I'll light the three torches. Cheeky torches. Fiki torches. I paint them black because I don't like the label on it. It looks cheap. I drop, put one on a little, I have like, I don't even put them in the sticks. I have like three, like a coffee table.

That way it creates you hang around on the fire. It's like, I call them, I call them like they're lazy fire pits. They're teeny fire pits. Yeah. It's bigger than a candle. but if you put one somewhere, people congregate it, congregate around it. But are you doing the alloy metal ones? Are you doing the French Polynesian sort of wicker ones, the more organic, native ones?

I'll do both. I have these others. They're like glass. They're like, and they look, but they're just torches, basically, you know? Shreaming. So I have people over a lot. And I know how to get like some, you know, I used to do big dinners. Wow.

How do you? I can't get my head around that. I don't like doing that anymore. It's too much, too much. The dinners, like, do like 20 people. That's a lot. For dinner. My ex and I had, he had a lot of, they, he liked them.

Yeah. And they were fun. 20 people seated is very, it's a lot. It's a good look, though. I mean, like, we do it the night before. Yeah. And to look at the table, it is fun to look at. It's very, it's a lot of warmth.

It's like, wow, soon that's going to be seated with people just smoking pot and eating and drinking and having fun. You can almost feel the energy that's going to. happen. I used to do that. My family would come down from Canada and I'd do the whole dining room table for Christmas. Yeah. And I'd just see it the night before and I go, it's like a picture the ghosts. It's a good, warm feeling. It is. It is nice. I'd whip up a nice tatsiki and I'd have it out with a nice, nice Christmas tatsiki and some homemade baklava's there. Well, so you'd want to say it wrong and I'd sea urchin I'd make sea urchin for Christmas urchins unbelievable I believe all the other stuff you're saying crab puffs that my family loved crab puffs did they really do you know how to

make a puff uh no I don't I mean I would probably buy them frozen okay but you don't you you you make them yeah I like to do you really do my own puffs was anything you said true that to Ziki Can I tell you what I love about you? You don't mind later saying, no, it's not true. I can't go on unless someone tells me if you go. So you'll stick to the bit. You meet in the middle. You stick to the bit.

I have no idea. But then later, if I go, is that true? And you go, no, it helps me. Go, okay, I didn't think that was true. Am I making any sense? Yeah, you are. You are. But when you prepare these meals, is it you doing all the cooking or that sounds?

like a big to ask. Okay. Do you really care? I do. Well, I'm afraid sometimes, like, I say to, I'll say to myself, is it, is it boring? I'll give you, I'll give you the medium version of the story. Okay. So we, when we used to have people over, and I was like at that point, like, 33, Chris was

23. Yeah. And, um, but he had a ton of friends. Okay. And they would all come over the house. Yeah. But there was a neighbor two doors up. We knew he worked at the Ritz.

Carlton. He managed to Ritz Carlton. Before that, we'd borrow tables. Oh, we're having people over and have big dinner. We'll borrow tables. And one thing he goes, oh, he goes, you know, hit an English accent. He goes, come on over. I'll give you whatever you need. So we went to the basement. I had like an open bedded truck in the back. Before that, we'd have parties. Hey, can you bring three chairs? Can you? Yeah. The reason I'm telling you this, because then once this happened, it really made it easier. Okay. So we go to the bottom of the Ritz Carlton. I go what do you need? He goes, and he's got two guys putting stuff. I go, can I get like 30 chairs? I thought, wouldn't it be cool if all the chairs match?

He goes, get the covers for him too. And he, you know, runs over, gets the covers. He goes, how many tables do you need? He gives us the tables. And then he gives us chafing dishes, but like the ones you get at the rich Carlton where the tin opens, you don't have to take the top off and put it somewhere. Halfway open. It's halfway open.

Gave us three of those. And every other thing, table cloths, loaded us up. Yeah. So now it's very easy because you have everything. Yeah. We had a two car, we had a four car garage, two of it. we cleaned out just because we were cleaning out we went because it's an old carriage house where Chris is like we should just put that barn table in here and have an outdoor dining room oh

damn took the doors off yeah and it was pretty cool in there yeah a week later I go hey Jared I go we're going to return the stuff he goes and he goes you know what he goes they put me he goes it's okay because I don't I don't mind he wants to go there anyway but like it was some rich car and they were going to make him run overseas somewhere okay and I can't really do you mind just keeping that stuff. I feel a little guilty about it, but I don't really give a shit. And he just gave it to us.

You got all that free furniture. All that free stuff. So we had the room to store it. So when we had those dinners and the chafing dishes for me, because I'm not a preparer as people get there. I can't. Things have to be, you put the reason it heats the food with water for people that,

you know, a lot of people, it's the water. So you keep it warm without drying it out. That's just the premise of it. So you can do everything before people get there. It's just waiting in these things. And a friend of my mom told me the best thing when you're not, one thing's done.

Don't do things that involve. If you're already nervous, don't have garlic bread. You've got to take out of the oven. Have soft rolls on the table already. Boom, they're there. A salad because it's not, it's a room temperature meal. Green beans with garlic sauce. As many things, you don't have to be, a lot of things can be on the table.

So we, that's the premise we use. Now here's the last thing. So Chris liked to cook sometimes. Sometimes he cooked it all. I had tricks. I'm not a cooker. I don't. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I was wondering if you actually did the hands. I don't have the patience. Yeah. But I have tricks. Okay. So you're serving cereal? What? That's a trick.

Oh, I got a trick. You think it's going to be like, and I go to the store and I replayed it. Oh, I serve cereal. No, but I do like to have breakfast for dinner and have people. Oh, I love that.

Because you don't, you can be full, but not. But anyway. Yeah. I would go by, like, at Vaughans or wherever, like, turkey meatloaves. Yeah. And, uh, because everybody likes it, put turkey meatloaf and put, like, them in the chafing dishes with, like, better cheese on them and melt it all over. So I'd go over and I get like six, eight, ten of them.

Ten meatloafs? Well, there'd be like 20 people. They, one is sometimes one is like, little. That's like a meatloaf army. Yeah. That's the name of my first band. Is it really? Or I'd go by, like, I'd do things that were pretty easy, you know, buy lasanias from this, like,

Place up the street, three, three, four lasagna. So three lasagna, ten meat loaves. No, no, either or. I picture nights rushing your house and you guys just hanging out the window throwing meatloaves to people. God. He did better food than I did. I don't have the patience.

I don't have the patience to cook. I admire people to do that can go into the kitchen and, but on my heads a little too. That's why I was asking because I'm, two things I was asking about the heart attack because it's a world I've never got to talk to someone about. And I've never really talked about a dude friend about cooking and stuff. Yeah. But somehow I just wondered if you did anything. And you were right.

I don't. I don't. But you do entertain a little. I like, now I don't even, now to be honest, I don't like to do anything but just have groups of people over. I don't want a big party.

I have seven, eight people over to me is like a nice fun night. And it's just a hang. It's not dinner. It's just like chill out. do the fun part hanging out with my friends yeah so i mean i know how to go get good snacks you got uber eats you can have a fun night but the less prep i have to do the more fun i'm gonna have light some torches have some pot have people over get the fire pick going that's all you got to do

just create a cool atmosphere which i'm very good at you're really good and then the the other thing just hang within that atmosphere that's pretty much what i always do wow i'm gonna have you over i would love to have you over yeah i don't i've never been over i'd love to come by one time around the fire pit with, oh, you know, it would be great to have you do mushrooms and have you over and you just got to exist, but it would be very entertaining for everybody. Wow, I think you're right. Do you, have you ever, you don't drink or do, do, uh, I, I have done, tried mushrooms recently for, oh, really?

For the first time. And what was it? And it was, it was, it was fabulous. It was fun. It was, uh, look, I'm, I'm, I'm a guy that doesn't indulge very often because I'm always laughing in my head already. but when I have a beer or I do something like that, oh my God,

I go from like here to here with, I just want to laugh. I'm not looking to see a purple elephant. I'm not trying to find inner demons. I'm not trying to resolve any issues. I just want to laugh my ass off. Harlan, we're so much. And I agree.

And no disrespect that people that want to do more than that. Yeah, that's their thing. Not even sarcastic. I get it. I totally get it. But the way I feel exactly like you. And what I always say is, I don't mind getting high. I don't even mind floating off the ground a teeny bit.

But if I shift my weight, it's because I want to come back down. I want to be in control. I want to be in control. And my friend has this stuff. He calls it giggle juice. And it's made from mushrooms. Oh. Soaking them in it.

And then he pours it out. He strains it and he calls it giggle juice. And Harlan, I am not kidding around. It has its name for it. the proper reason. It's perfect. It's like, it's more than pot, but it's, it's level and it comes into you. There's no comeuppance or whatever they call that, you know, when you get a little stomach gig. Yeah. And it was just, I've done it twice. And I'm like, Andy, my friend, he's a musician. His name is Andy Frasco. And I'm like, this giggle juice. I got to. You just laugh for hours.

It was like that. It was like you were just aware what people were saying. Maybe you were more invested in the animation. And I had it very dark for that. so we could, and some people, I told, I told my friend that, because he never did mushrooms, I said, I know what it's like to be at someone's house, and you get a little nauseous, or you don't, you go lay in a bed, if we see on the bed with it, we'll know it's because you need it to just go be alone. We won't even bother you. So, and about two hours in, I go in, and my friend is fully clothed under the blanket. I didn't picture that. I just pictured, like, you know what I left him? I'm like, he took, I'm glad I told him that.

And he stayed for about 40 minutes. He woke up and he joined the party again. He just needed to go. But anyway, giggle juice, Harley. Yeah, my experience was I, last year, I was a burning man. And I was with a friend of mine and we tried the shroomies and we went out onto the playa. And there's a lot of performance artists and stuff. And we're out this dark area in the desert and some little eerie lights and someone planted like thousands of fake.

looked like weeds, like grasses. It was like all of a sudden in the barren desert there was like this little big giant patch of grass and some topless girl with just a robe on, her whole schick was she somehow put some kind of like bubble over her head and it was like probably about four feet high and her head was inside the bubble. And she was dancing.

Yeah, and there's bubbles going, and she's got lights in it and everything. And so at first we were like, how artsy. And then, of course, I made the comment, holy fuck, she's getting attacked by a fart. And we just, we just, her head was in a fart for the next hour. And everyone's, they're like, ooh, look at the art. And me and my friend were buckled over. This girl's head was being consumed by her own fart. And it was changing colors.

Eerie music's going. I'll put a video up of it. I think I have a video. Oh, my God. But that's... Was that fun to see? It was so fun, but it was... Who thought of that?

You would like to see that on mushrooms? Because that's... They're right, right? I don't know. It was just someone doing an outdoor art thing. Oh, you just... And we walked up on it. Oh, my God.

And at first we were like, oh, look at the art. Look at the eclectic bubblehead. And then, of course, As soon as we established that bubble over her head, and you could see her head inside, and she's like going like this. And we were like, now she's got this changing color fart on her head. Oh, my God.

We died for about 40 minutes, and people around us were just like they couldn't, they couldn't even fathom our laughing fit. Yeah, but that's where I want to be when I do that stuff. Yeah, well, I'm right with you with that. It's just, and that's what this giggle. What if you found out I sell it the end of my show? Well, you can get that giggle juice over on my website. Yeah.

Wow. How long ago was this thing? This was last summer. And you went to Burning Man. Yeah, last summer. Is that the first time you ever went? It's my fifth time. Wow.

I've already got my tickets for this year, too. You've never been? No, and I've had serious talks about it. My friends that know me go, Todd, look, you're not going to have to, you're not going to enjoy a festival unless you can do it the way you need to do it. Yeah. And that's, I don't want to do anything in the day. So I just need, like, an air condition.

Yeah, that's what I do. I get an RV. Oh, you do. You get an RV, you drive it in, you can sleep all day, you can do whatever you want. And then at night, I'll be. At night, you're out all night. You can go into your RV whenever you want, air conditioning, shower, bathroom, stove. It's like kind of.

How far, like I even ask questions like this when I'm very seriously about contemplating about finally going to a music festival. What's the, how far is the RV place from where you have to walk to see the shows? As soon as you open your door. It's right. It's that close. It's not like you've got to walk a quarter of a mile. I've heard stories, you know.

No, everyone has a bike. You have to have a bicycle, but the Burning Man experience, as soon as you open your door, it's just, it's there. It's going right by your street. Has there another festival that you've ever been to? You would recommend?

Nothing eclipses Burning Man. Go see that. I've been all over the world. I've been to different things. Burning Man is like landing on another planet. You can't even verbally describe it. That's how... Wow.

And everyone who's ever gone has come back and just been like, wow. Yeah. Is that in Palm Springs? No, it's in Nevada. It's up north. What's in Palm Springs? What's the other one? That's Coachella.

That's just a bunch of people walking around in the heat from soundstage to soundstage watching, you know, Berlin and Pet Shop Boys and Bay City Rollers, you know. Okay. I ask for a reason, but it doesn't matter. But, yeah, I really do. I have to figure out, like, because at nighttime, what's the temperature there at night? It fluctuates. One year I went in, it was sort of chilly. You could see your breath. And then other nights, other times I've been, all the other times have been there, it's been really nice. Like, just sort of like. So no 90, 100 degrees. No, not at night. Not at night. Yeah. No, it's a desert.

So it cools down at night. Nice. Yeah. Do you go with anybody? Yeah, I have a little group of buddies that I go with. Nice. It's a riot buddy. You'd love it. Yeah. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to, make it happen. Well, before you do that, it's time for words from a wooden shoe. This is something we do with all our guests, Todd. Okay. Todd Glass.

How it works is you reach in the authentic Dutch clog, pull out a word, and see if it inspires a story from your journey, my friend. Okay. Just reach in there and read your word to the folks. There you go. What is it? There is something about a... Can I say the word?

Yeah. Potato. I wanted turkey. Potato. Interesting. Well, this one's not that good. Just because it involves the word potato. But I remember this woman, her name was Linda Michaels,

and I had bad... I had dyslexia before they knew what it was. Oh, you have Dick Sucksleyer? Yeah. You have it too? And so my mom would always try to get people to help me, like with my homework and stuff. So this woman on the block, her name was Linda Michael.

She was a teacher. She tutored me on the side. And I told her, I said, you're, oh, I was in second grade. I didn't know. I go, oh, your mashed potatoes are lumpy because I wasn't eating them. Oh, boy. You know, texture for a little kick and be like, I go, all the i didn't say anything i knew not to say anything but when she asked me why it was like

your your mashed potatoes are lumpy my moms are more fluffy like i was like something like that something like that anyway so she goes so she was like nice about it i'm sure but i do remember i go she goes do you want anything for dessert and i go oh could because once before i just had a spoonful of peanut butter and i liked it a lot yeah and uh and she said yeah but if you tell me my mashed potatoes aren't lumpy like and she was just being playful but also probably insecure now that I think about it. And then she gave me peanut butter and it was chunky peanut butter. I'm like, what the fuck is going on here?

You said it was lumpy? I still, no, no, no, no. And it wasn't as bad as lumpy mashed potatoes for me, but I didn't like it either. But I ate the whole thing. I knew I knew to eat the whole spoonful. This has a little bit, and correct me if I'm wrong, there's a little hint of Mrs. Robinson on this. Were you being seduced?

Because. when I hear you telling a woman she's lumpy, something very seductive about this story. What? Did, yet in second grade, and I'm the aggressor. That's what makes it somewhat we can,

you know, we can joke about it. I'm the one, hey, I like you, your mashed potatoes are lumpy for second grade. I wish I was that cool. Wow.

So she wasn't trying to hit on you? No, no, no, no. For real? No, I knew her husband. We were friends. No, we weren't friends, but no, not that she couldn't, I just, she never made me uncomfortable. I'm trying to answer you seriously. She wasn't making a move?

No, she never made me uncomfortable. It sounds like a lead-in line from a kid, though. Hey, Mrs. Robinson, your potatoes are, I'm sure, are mushy, lumpy. Yeah. And then she goes, puts her leg up. and then the creamy peanut butter maybe i don't know no but i do did you ever look back in your life and think someone oh they were like hitting on me or they were making in a not being yeah you didn't know then yeah yeah i think so too i went to a birthday party when i was a

kid i'll never forget i went to one of my friends birthday parties and our parents had to come pick us up after and all the other kids had sort of left and I was the last kid and I remember the parents of the kid the mother put me up on her lap and she was like put me really close to her boobs and then the father was kind of crouched down and they were they were sort of like talking and and even as a little kid I thought this feels a little too close they never touched me they never but suddenly my dad showed up and my whole life I sort of went if my dad didn't come when he came I think something might have happened it was really it's it was really weird like it they never touched me but it was way to you know they go oh you're such a cute little boy and

they were like and it was like something even as a kid it's interesting how your radar goes yeah that's what I was going to say something's a miss you you you you know sometimes And that's why it's important to, obviously, to teach your kids, obviously to respect authority. But not to the point, the problem with the old days, that's why people say, oh, we should go back. No, that wasn't good either. You have to, you know, you don't want your kid to be so scared of authority that they let that type of thing happen. And that happened more back then, you were, you know, but now, you, yeah. Well, for all I know, they were just being very loving enough because nothing, nothing sexual happened.

But it was very, it felt like much more adulation than I'd ever had from any. other parents or grown-ups, and they were so, like, coddling and, oh, you're so cute. And I was like one of those mannequin dolls on their lap. Yeah. And I just, I always wondered as I got all, if my dad hadn't showed up when he did, would have, you know, learning later in life that people do that shit to kids. But nothing bad happened, thank goodness. But it was, that was probably to answer your question, the closest that ever came. I had it happen the other way

My teacher, no It is funny to see a second grade kid leaning up against the wall Maybe what, maybe third Yeah, like that would make a difference Hey, how are you? Whoa, lumpy Lumpy Um, before we go, buddy

Um, I want you to have this because Oh, no, just because Please Have you done this? ever before. What? They brought pizzas out like that? Just for you, my guy.

That's the best. Yeah. Double. Double pizzas. Thank you. Before we go, buddy, one last time. I know we covered it off the top, but I want to drive at home because this is important. I know you put a lot into this comedy show.

Tell them again where they can see it, where they can get involved. Toddglass.com and takes you right over to Seed and Spark. I will tell you because I think it's the highest tier. There's so many in between tiers. Like different things. They'll see it there over there. I don't think it's going to be easier if they just go there and see the tears. Like all those crowd sources have tears.

And there's some cool ones. But the highest one is. Yeah. The highest one is, I'll take 30 seconds to say this. Is that right? Well, the one below that is named the band after you for one night. Is that right? Yeah, that's a higher end of them.

But the highest tier is pay for the whole thing. So here's the sell on it. So once I get the funding, then I will go to my comedian friends that have larger audiences. you know, for lack of a better word, some famous comedic friends. Some will say no, I'm sure politely, but I know four or five will say yes, to present me. So in other words, once I have the money, I don't want to go to them for their money. I don't comfortable doing that for their names. So then I'll go, you know, like I don't want to say the names, but like four people on a billboard,

whoever them present, because it's usually one person presents. Four people present Todd Glass. It'll be a little, maybe kitsch idea, also help put people in seats. Bill Burr, Chris Rock. People with the money. People with the money. They are two people with the money. Once I have the money, then the person, if one person pays for it, then their name

goes up. Now, if you're a benefactor on that alone, like, if you're like the money, we're looking for like 150, that's not a lot for a benefactor. Or maybe what was the weapon if two people came? We can both give 75, but we want both our names up there. You know what? Yeah, we'd squeeze them up there. Done.

But no, it can't do more than that. Yeah, can't do more than that. But anyway, that's the high tier item. Wow. Togglass.com over to Seed and Spark. Thanks for letting me give it a second. Oh, my God. Are you kidding?

All right. I got one more thing. Yeah. I tried to get obsessed on every second that I had the audience in my power. Like we said, well, they're being seated. Well, they're before the show, after the show. Yeah. I said to my friend, I go, what's an area we're not thinking of?

And within one second, she goes, what about when they, if they bring the hot chocolate home? Because the water's not in it when I give it to go. Okay. And they bring it home and they're eating the cookies and hot chocolate. Make a playlist that they can listen to. So I started doing that. So now they can go home, hey, the first thing I do is lower your lights, you know, eat your cookies, and I have music they can listen to.

So I really do try to create from as much time as I can probably stretch the night out to make it something special. So there we go. Thank you. Todd Glass. Harlan, oh my God, this was so much fun. Oh, this was just you, I mean, obviously you really, this was a lot of fun. I appreciate it. We got to hang out more than we ever got to hang out.

to one of your fire pit parties. You're going to be there for self-serving reasons because I want to have you there. But I want to go. I want to see the teaky lamps. And you know what we'll do? We'll think of one person we both know. Okay. That we both like or two.

Okay. And then we'll have them with us. Will you be offended if I bring some pink sauce? No, I'd love it. Don. I think you're going to. Sorry, I cut you have you. No, no, no.

I think I think you might like pink sauce if you try it. but we'll talk about that at the fire pit. We will? Yes, and we'll be back. Okay, hold on. So then now you say, now hit the theme song. Now you can hit the theme song. Ladies and gentlemen, that's right.

You're on the Hall and Highway podcast. Todd Glass, check out his stand-up comedy. Where's your schedule for your shows? At Toddglass.com. Toddglass.com. Get in on his crowdfunding folks. TikTok, Instagram, having a ball over there. Chad Maxwell, thank you for helping me.

And as a little health thing, I told you I'm going to get my heart check this week. After talking to Todd, everyone, take the time to go and get yourself checked, right, Todd? Yes. Preventive, right? Danny Duncan, you let me down. Yeah, Lonnie Lemonade Lips. And until next time, everybody, chicken chowmaine, and we'll see you. next time.