The Harland Highway - TOM PAPA returns to talk pugs, baking bread, and the in's and outs of having a great family.

Episode Date: February 4, 2025

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Because dogs don't really go for bread. I mean, they're not... Oh, that's not true. Do they really? They love bread? When... Idiots. As soon as I take my serrated knife and put it into the sourdough loaf.

You make... What are you making O.J? Brad. You're riding down the Harland Highway. All right, hold tight on the Harland Highway Show. Harland Williams Once there was a guy name Harlan, Harlan, Harlan, Harlan, Harlan. Ah, ah, ah. Is that from the soundtrack of, ooh, um, Philadelphia?

TV show. Oh, wow. Oh. Once there was a guy name, once there was a girl name Amber, Amber, Amber, Amber. Romp. Touched. by an anal, an angel? What does that sound of very angelic?

It was. It was Tony Randall. Oh, well, that's touched by an anal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got it. I got it. Yeah. I nailed it.

Funny when you get them and you're not even trying. It's true. Folks, folks, he's back. Finally. We got him. We got them. Tom, Pump. here we go a lady and gentlemen we are here on the holland highway podcast and uh my guy tom papa

is here and uh i'm gonna say it writer actor comedian producer podcaster tell them about your podcast right out of the gate sometimes i wait to the end but you have such a interesting Breaking Bread with Tom Poppa podcast. Yeah. It's a beautiful podcast. You've been on it. Yeah, it is beautiful. I bake bread for every guest.

Yeah. And they come on and we enjoy some time together. And it's, we wait to you see. It's really changed since you were there. Really? Yeah. New bread. It looks like an Italian restaurant now.

Oh, wow. It's a booth and we hang out and we have food. Oh, wow. go away with your bread and yeah it's really nice we just had uh i just had lean morgan on this morning who says hello oh wow and she adores you and has never met you oh no but she wants you to know that she's in love with you not not like that say that name again leanne morgan oh yeah wow do you know no yeah lean morgan yeah yeah a brilliant comedian yeah who uh who just exploded over the like two years.

Oh my God. She stepped on a landmine. It was weird doing the podcast with just her head. Yeah. But still funny. You know, when you have funny in you. And it never hurts to get a little head. It's nice to see you.

You too, buddy. And I got to say when I did your podcast the first time. Yeah. I didn't know the whole brand theme. I just thought I was sitting down with my. Tom Papa, I didn't know about, I didn't know about a lot of podcasts when this sort of new podcast revolution started. Yeah. So I said, yeah, I'll come on your show. So we do the show. And then like towards the end, you go, hey, here's a giant, it was a round loaf of, and I thought

you were pulling a gag. I thought it was a gag. So I put it on my head and I'm like punching it and I smashed it. I thought it was like some kind of Tom Papa comedy bit. That's right. And then I realized you can't, what are you doing to my bread? And I thought, oh, he's, you know, it's a gag. And then I realized by the end, this is your passion. And I just like punched it. I cared about it. I worked on it for three days to make sure it was perfect with you and on my mind the entire time.

And I've turned it into a turban and. But that's what you would expect, Harlan's. Sorry if I offended. God. No, it was, it was hilarious. Did you ever eat it? No, because I punched the shit out of it. and it was on my head.

I've had it on my greasy, oily, zip-covered head. Well, come back. I'll give you... Yeah, now I know. And I don't remember you putting it at a bag or anything. I think you just said here and I... You know, I had a bag, but in the podcast, it's out on the table.

Yeah. Yeah. Jeez, I did not know, guy. Were you mad? No. No. Because you're hilarious and we're pals. I kind of expected it.

I didn't know that you didn't understand. I thought you were just doing it. a bit with the bread. No, I had no idea. The only time I get offended is when people, what really gets my goat is the people who hollow out the bread. Right. And then fill it with some chowder or some kind of soup as if the chowder deserves to be the showcase when it's really the bread that you do that, right? The leader. You're talking about a bread bowl where they flip it upside down and yeah beat the just gut it yeah that makes me so what you're saying is the chowder takes the centerpiece and pulls the focus from your beautiful bread the chowder's like hey bread

why don't you support me and hold me up for the people because i am the important one yeah no you're chowder yeah this is bread and who wants to go to dinner and eat their bowl really you know Like, at least the Greek smash their plates on the floor. I don't want to eat the plate. Yeah. I mean, I will munch on the edge of a toastata. That's what I've heard. Which is.

And by the way, I love your cleaning lady. She's wonderful. It's delicious. Yeah. Sometimes. I know if I'm like being, if I'm in fat mode, if you ever have a to stata and it's like the bowl is like a toast. It's like a tortilla that is the bowl for the salad. And then if I'm.

really in fat mode, I'll eat the whole bowl. Could you just say that line again where you said, I like to chew on the edge of it? Just the way you said it. I just like to chew on the edge of it. Oh, you got to say the whole, you said the to the tostata. I have to chew. I don't know what I said.

I mean, I will munch on the edge of a tostata. I mean, I will munch on the edge of a tostata. I mean, I will bunch on the edge of a tostata. I think you said I love to chew on the edge of a tostada. I love to, if I'm in fat mode, I'll have a toastata and I'll eat, I'll eat the edge of it. What is it? Look, I know what it is, Tommy, but they don't. I have about 15 or 16 viewers all over the globe.

They, like people in New Zealand, people in Kenya, I have a viewer in, I think it's Fiji. Oh. They don't know what a to stata is. I do. Right. If you could just explain it to them real quickly. A tostata is a Mexican dish that has been. Basically, the tortilla almost made into a bowl.

And then it's filled with rice and beans and cheese and lettuce and all this and shrimp or chicken. And it's a to stata. I mean, I will munch on the edge of a tostata. I mean, I will munch on the edge of a tostata. I mean, I will munch on the edge of a tostata. And again, like the bowl, you're not really supposed to eat all of it. Maybe nibble at the edge. Yeah.

But if I'm in fat mode, I'll eat the whole thing. What do you got there? Well, I think I might have a toastata. Oh. Is that a toastata? No, that's a taco show. Oh. Why do you have these underneath the desk?

Well, who doesn't? In case, I need a resting place or something. Don't smell like food. They smell paint-like. Yeah. Right? But this is my point with the Latino food. And no offense, because I have a couple of Latino listeners.

I've one in Spain and one in Mexico. Oh. Nice. Isn't a toastata, a taco is an enchilada, is a fajita, is a... This is the old Jim Gaffigan bit. It is? That it's just different... Gaffigan stole my bit?

Gaffigan stole your bit in like... Up yours, Gaffigan. Like 93. He did? Mm-hmm. Wait, tell me the bit. I remember him, I remember thinking this seems familiar. He had a bit about Mexican food.

It's, so what's a toastata? It's a tortilla with rice. and beans. That's son of a bitch. And cheese and sour cream. Oh, okay. So what's an enchilada? An enchilada.

It's a tortilla with rice and beans and lettuce and cheese. So what's a taco? Huh. That's a... Okay. Then let me... I don't want to steal anyone's material by accent. Don't these look a lot like hot pockets?

I mean... What? I mean, hot pockets. What are hot pockets? I mean, you know, you can put these in your gloves and, you know. Yeah. He didn't do anything like that, did he? About Hot Pockets.

Why is he so? Why is he telling another joke by Jim? Why is he telling another Jim joke? Damn it, Gaff again. I mean, I will munch on the edge of a to stata. I mean, I will munch on the edge of a tostada. I mean, I will munch on the edge of a tostada. Yeah, I don't, you know, I use these in the office to hostada.

hold letters they make great like instead of getting a filing cabinet i just put letters in them and it would last a lot this literally smells like if you had been painting and renovating in your studio you're like tom i got a fresh coat of paint this that's what it would smell like you know what else they're good for do you have you fish yeah if you want to pretend you're a carp I like to fish I want to get back into fishing I used to fish as a chop Excuse me

Oh this is not right This is not right I think Gaffigan should come over and clean this up Do you have some in your shirt in your shirt too? Well see this isn't right either What am I a nacho bowl? We go from bread bowls to nacho bowls what's a harling ball a tortilla rice and beans that's a gaffirgin bit by the way

why are we not gaffirgin again uh but tell me about that where did that come from the passion for the brand like it's a and i'm it's a bit of an odd one i don't know any of my male or female friends that are kind of bread obsessed so i like it that's sort of if you don't mind me saying it's a little quirky yeah yeah where to come from I was working on a TV show and I was writing on it. And a friend of mine explained to me what sourdose starter was and how red was made with this natural yeast, which is there's yeast floating all around us.

And if you put flour and water in a bowl, you'll notice that it starts to bubble. That's because the yeast has gone into it and started gobbling up the flower and water. And it becomes this living yeast. and that's how you make bread. So he told me that, and I told that to my family, and my daughter got one started for me and gave it to me for Christmas.

Like a bread-making kit? No, she just took flour and water in a bowl here in California and just left it on the counter and just saw that it started to bubble, and then she added a little more flour and water, and it just becomes this active bacteria, this active yeast. And that's what natural yeast comes from. And that got your juices gone? You were like, I got to get into this.

It was a good acting job on Christmas morning when she gave it to me. I was like, well, thanks. Yeah, right. But then I made bread from it because I like to cook, but then I never really baked. And then I baked bread from it. And there was something magical about the process of doing it. Was it therapeutic? Was it something that's like painters?

I paint. When I paint, I sort of zone out. Does that enter into your psyche? Yeah. And it's very close to the experience with stand-up. Oh. Because you can do it for years and be really good at it. Yeah.

But you never really master it. There's always something that can go wrong. There's always like a little, it's always humbling. Yeah. And it's the same kind of a process. But even when it goes right, you want to get to that, you want to keep hunting for that next level where I'm sure with bread, there's so many variations, incarnations of bread that you probably want to

Try the pretzel dough, the pumpernickel. Do you do, do you dabble and all those? Allah, yeah, all that. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. How many loaths would you say you've done in your life? And I'm talking about baking bread. Well, I have these bags that I give the bread to.

They give people the bread in these, in these bags. Like, I gave it to you. And those, I just had to order new ones because I've given away all this bread. Yeah. Each pack is 250. Yeah. And this is my third pack. So I've given out that much bread as gifts.

You're popping out the loaves, Daddy. Wow. And it is weird. Like I was, I've been doing it for years. And I still, like this morning had took one out of the oven. And I was like, wow, this is beautiful. Like, and it's like, how am I still excited about it? Hey, everybody.

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How are you? I don't know. I don't know. I think that's the beauty of it. Like, it's such an odd. and again, not an insult. It's such an odd kind of hobby that you're so impassioned about it still. Yeah.

That's beautiful. Yeah. Again, like stand-up. Like it's, you still, I have to say, if you allow me to compliment you here on your own podcast, I was at the comedy store a couple of nights ago, and I went up, and I introduced you. Yeah. And I went in the back and watched your set before I went home. Okay.

And I don't, you know, you don't do that all for everybody, but I sat and watched you. Thank you. And you were so funny. You were just having such a great time and you were so funny. And I have been watching you for, like, I came out in 1998 on my motorcycle with my now wife. Oh, that's hot. We drove cross country. That's hot.

And we ended up at the laugh factory. We were young comics. Yeah. And you were on stage at the. the laugh factory and my cousin uh i met it with my cousin and he came to the show yeah and he we got in the car and he was like oh my god i'd never seen harland before oh wow and you were so funny and it just warmed my heart that that's 98 all these years later i'm still sitting in the back watching you yeah and laughing out loud and enjoying it it's uh you've always been great and you continue

to be great thank you buddy that That's, to come from you, that's a major compliment. Thank you. It was really nice. And likewise, I love watching you. And one of the things, I told you this, I think about a year ago, you don't traditionally do crowd work. And then I popped in on a few nights where I was watching you too from the back.

And you decided to do crowdwork for, I think it was the first time I'd ever seen you do like almost a full set of crowd work. And you remember when you came off? I said, I love that. And I still think you don't do it that much. No. But I like it, though. You're really good at it. And what's really good about it is your personality.

Some people just do it. It's like, oh, there's a guy doing crowdwork. But you have such a distinct voice and such a distinct personality that it adds an extra edge to it because you've got this kind of really cool thing where you're engaging with people, but there's a level of almost like almost, I think Chandler had it a bit. There was a bit of that kind of insincerity, but also it was, what's that word I'm looking for? The, oh my God, it's sort of like taking the piss out of people, but they don't know it. There's a little level of that in the way you do, not in a cruel way, but in a funny way and sarcasm.

And it was just so good to watch. Have you ever had a standout moment in the times you have done crowdwork? Is there ever one moment that you always go, wow, that. one was just a bullet in the chamber like it sticks out above all the other ones there's been a couple times not that not of it being like a hilarious moment or anything but that thing of like that i can talk to people and they don't get offended yeah yeah uh i think they feel safe when i'm talking to yeah that's what i mean there's that kind of security thing yeah a little bit and there's been two times when I and I like learned the lesson and forgot it and had to relearn it

when I I've asked somebody about their spouse. Okay. They were there with their kid and asked about their spouse and they were, they had just died. And to stay in it and still be in the moment and be compassionate, but still, we're still going to, I'm still going to make you laugh. Yeah. I don't know you just gave me that it's tough hammer and you can feel the whole audience It's going, oh, dear, dear Lord.

Yeah. And to make those situations okay, like those kind of stand out. Yeah. That it, I think at its essence, like the, it shows that my intent is pure. Yeah. You know what I mean? Well, those are the moments where I equated to you, you know, because doing stand-up is sort of walking on a tight-ripe, tight, is a tight, is a tight-writer? No.

Tightrope. A tightrope. Yeah. It's almost like you're always standing on a tightrope going over Niagara Falls. And you got it pretty good in control. Guys like Gus, you've been doing it. But stand up like you just alluded to earlier. It can always go wrong or it can go right.

And we kind of balance it. But when you bump into those, that feels like you're walking and a gust of wind hit you. And now you're on one foot, like, just about to go. And you're like, you don't know what to do. And you've got to really, that's, I like those moments because that's when the wheels have to spin the hardest. Yeah. Because you're dealing with someone's tragedy, a death. Yes. And do you remember how you handled it? Do you remember what you said to them or how you got out of it or how you made it laughable but still compassionate? I don't, I don't, I don't dust it. I don't run from it.

I don't try and just glaze over it. Yeah. I'll ask them what was their name. Yeah. And how long where are you together though that's beautiful and then you two are still out in a comedy still laughing that's so great Carl must have been so happy I miss Carl too I got to tell you I miss Carl you know what I mean like I don't it kind of just go deeper into it yeah you got to that's right run away from it you know my method is I always go because you got to have some fun with it yeah sounds weird and they love it but then I always go and you know why we're laughing because Carl's watching us right now right when the spirit goes on You know they want to laugh up in heaven.

And they're watching us right now having a laugh with us. And then the whole room goes, oh, and I'm not doing it to be corny. I actually believe that. Yeah, yeah. But that's what I mean. You're on that tightrope and you're going to find a way to get the balance back. And there's nothing more difficult than dealing with a tragedy. A lot of times you'll ask people about their tattoos.

And it's a memorial tattoo where they go, yeah, this is for my 12-year-old kid that was hit by a boss. Oh, yeah. Like, dude, it's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're there. They're also there. They're in a comedy club. Yeah.

So there's at least a leaning towards searching for joy. Yeah. So as long as they know they're in good hands, you know, there's people, if you're not as skilled or you haven't done it, you know. Yeah, they could take it the wrong way. I don't look for these. Like I kind of like when I said, relearn the lesson, it's like, don't just blurt out. So where's the that guy, you know?

Yeah. Well, what's also really good about humor is that it's healing. And I think when you share a moment like that, you're probably still grieving. And when you throw it out in the open where now you're communicating about a tragic death with a complete stranger, the comedian on stage, but then you feel the rest of the room fill out around you and then you sort of bring in the element that their spirit is with us right now. I think I would hope in my heart that that's a healing thing for people. Yeah. And so.

Definitely, definitely another step in the process. Yeah. Of living the life without them. Yeah. Yeah. We're healers, bro. Yeah, it's pretty good. We're healers.

I know. Oh. Who are the real heroes? Hey, guys. You ever been in a public restroom and you hear the commotion and the stalls next door? It sounds like someone hit a moose, really. And then you've got to start thinking about the cleanup and unrolling and the fumbling and the paper. And nobody likes that, huh?

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Speaking, I want to go back to another passion of yours. I don't know if it's a passion or an annoyance. But I know you're a dog guy. You have dogs. And you love dogs. You love bread. Have you ever thought about just getting a purebred dog? Because then you got a dog and bread.

Mm-hmm. A little wordplay there. I mean, it's not Jim Gaffigan, but if I could get a little bit of a bigger laugh guy. Oh, yeah, I have thought of that. Okay, you know what? My pug is in the shape of a loaf of bread. It is?

Oh, so you have pugs. I have a pug. Oh, God bless. It's pretty great. And it looks, they always, they're all the same. It's so crazy. Yeah. Social media, they all do the same things.

And when it just lies out in the sun, it looks like a loaf of bread. Oh, my God. Do you ever kind of good idea? Did you ever toss them in the oven? There's a couple close calls. What? A couple close calls. Yeah.

I got a pure bread dog, as I was mentioning. And when they're puppies, they all sort of look the same. Oh, puppies are kind of have that cute little face. Yeah. And my dog, it grew up at about a year. old and its face started to sort of fill out and was kind of pushed in a little and I'd like buggy eyes and stuff and I had to take it to the vet because I was like good God I said I said you know my dog's got down syndrome and I go look at it and the dog said sir it's a pug

but anyways tell me about your pugs how dare you it's okay we're okay why are they they're so weird So weird. Like, why do their eyes go like that? What were the, like, if I watched the movie Deliverance over and over, I never see a pug, but I see people that looks like, like they should have pugs. And you start to look like, yeah, I'm a little more pug-like, pug-looking than when I got him. Right.

Like, oh, you are? Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, you are sort of. I'm starting to take the shape. My eyes are separating. Yeah. You are, you are sort of pugly, yeah. Wow.

Yeah, that's how they sleep. Yeah. They're like a hot water bottle. They just lit, they just, when it's so hard to go out and do shows at night. Why? Because you're sitting on the couch and it's, you know, our spots are like nine or ten or whatever. Yeah, you don't want to get up. And it's like the family's settling in and you're like, I got to get up and go do a show.

And the Frank just lays down on my lap. And he's just like a hot water bottle. And he's just like, you're not going out, are you? Not tonight. Not tonight. And you got to push them off. I'm so sorry. I got to go.

Can I recommend something? Yes. That sweater you're wearing? Yeah. What about next show? Just stuff them inside and let them hang in there. Looks like you got a bit of a dad belly. You got that freaking hot water pug just pulsing away in there.

You're probably the most comfortable set you'll ever have. people have come up to me after shows and show me that they snuck their pug into the show to watch yeah so pugs have seen your comedy pugs yeah pugs have come how do they laugh the same way they sleep yeah uh hate to break it to you guys i think they were sleeping you might want to up the dog material a little there tommy you're right wow do you have things in your act that you don't want to write about but you can't stop writing about Oh, give me an example. Like, I think I know what you're saying.

Like, like dog material, like, my pug is so funny. Oh. And I'm like, how am I need, I just keep telling, it's kind of low-hanging fruit, dog stuff. But I keep saying it and the audience keeps liking it. And I'm like reluctantly do it, but I can't stop doing it. You know, with me, it's like, I don't like to work blue like I've never been a swearer. Uh-huh. And my first like probably eight years of comedy, my M.O. was to never swear. Never say a swear word. And then I sort of loosen the reins a little. And I realized there's a little bit of freedom in doing it. But I've never been like blue, like dirty like, you know, like X-rated, dirty jokes. And they, I can formulate them. Like I do have dirty jokes. So I have to fight to not do them. Because sometimes I'm not going to say they're low-hanging fruit, but sometimes when you do something too

vile, it's sort of a shock laugh versus a clever laugh. Right. And so sometimes I have to fight against doing a really dirty joke or something like that in my head. It's funny. It's funny, too, because you're, you know, you have an audience that expects something from you. They just know you, so it'll be out of character.

But even if they don't know you and you're doing your set and then you throw one like that in, even if they're. just seeing you for the first time. Yeah. I think they would know that it's not you. Yeah. It's not really your asses. It's not me.

I tried one. I just put some line out. It was just terrible. Like a blue one? Yeah. Let's hear it. It wasn't even that blue. Let's go.

It was just, I've been working on material about, that I've been an adult long enough and my kids are leaving. And I, I didn't realize until my kids left how devastating. stating it is to the parents when your kid leaves, it hurts. You know, but you're so excited just to go out in the world. And everyone in the audience, we've all left home, excited to go out and build your life.

But you don't realize what it did to your parents. And it's really kind of mean. Yeah. And now that my kids are grown and have moved out, I've decided to move back in with my parents as an apology. Okay. Yeah. I went out. I did it all.

I had a family. It's done. Yeah. I'm back. Yeah. I'm coming in and I'm going to hang out with my parents and have my mom make me tater tots. And then I threw a line in and I don't know how my, how, I don't know if my wife will come with me and move back into that, I am married.

Yeah. So I don't know how that's going to work, especially with my dad's hard, fast rule, no hand jobs in the playroom. Tom. And it just struck me funny as I was writing it. Right. And I couldn't even say it with any real like, like, momentum or belief. Yeah.

It was just like, what am I doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm telling the silly joke about moving back in. And then I'm like, with a job of a hand job. And the whole audience was like, oh, that's, why, why'd you do that for? Yeah. It really felt like that. We don't like that, Tom.

Yeah, exactly. what it felt like and that is not it's a pretty innocuous joke right it's pretty light but it's off brand for you totally but it's that's what i mean like we comedians i think think in so many different strata that we we have those gears we can go to but we choose not to and i remember i tried it once i i i'll you share it i'll share my horrible blue joke mine's a little more blue blue because i like like my brain goes if If I'm going to do a weird joke, let's bury into weird. If I'm going to do a clever, like, cerebral joke, let's find those layers. And if I'm going to do a blue one, like, let's just go there.

Yeah. So I used to, I think I did it four times. And one was because someone had heard it once and requested I do it. Yeah. So it was this horrible joke where I go, you ever have one of those one, wacky one-off moments, like once in a lifetime things or something, something happens. it's like an odd ball wacky, probably will never happen again moment. So I was out in about the other day and I was out in public and I had to go to the bathroom

and, you know, I walked up to a urinal and there was a guy beside me and I looked over and he had a tracheotomy and we were taking a piss and I guess he splattered a little bit and I slipped on the pee on the floor as one does and I knocked him over and we got like wrestled around and my cock went right into his trache. And I don't know if you ever been in a trache, but it's kind of tight. And so I started getting a little hard, you know, and now my thing's getting, it's getting big in there, and it starts coming out of his mouth.

And he's like, ah, I'm choking. So now I've got to give a mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, and now I'm sucking my own, and it feels pretty good. And it just like went on from there, just like horrible, right? Off brand for me. Yeah. But it's like, so that's the stuff, but it got big laughs, you know, the way I told it and spread it because it's very visual and it's horrible, but yeah, that's the kind of stuff that I fight, I think. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm glad I do because it's. Yeah. And when you were starting out, well, it sounds like you started out. Like when at very, very, very beginning, I was trying everything. Yeah. And I would try more blue stuff just because I was, you know. I was the opposite. I tried everything. but I refuse to swear.

I think I remember the first time I ever said the F word and I was like, yeah. Ooh, like it was almost like a shock to me. I was like, but I just like, yeah, it's a, yeah, it's just not, you just got to be true to who you are. I don't swear in my everyday life. And I don't, you know, you have thoughts, of course, but I don't, it's not, yeah, so why would I bring it on stage unless I was playing some character?

Yeah. You know. And I think that's when you find. the most freedom up on stage as a comedian is when you do find your voice or your brand. Because then you can just, you can say the same joke I just said, but without mentioning any of the graphic words. Yeah. I could probably still find a way to make that tracheotomy joke work without all the graphic, you know, over your head. I don't think so. Yeah, you're right. Damn it. Do you know these, you want to hear an interesting similarity between

dogs and Brad You might know this Because you're Brad Garrett Oh He looks like a dog He looks like

What would he be a great Dane I think Oh yeah Really tall With that kind of With the bug eyes Or a good shepherd Yeah But you might know the answer to this

Do you know when Brad was invented When they first You do How long you go Samaria, I think is where they found the first. Hang on, I wrote it down. So talk to me. This is great that you know this.

How many years ago did you? Samaria. Yeah, I think it was. A place that doesn't even exist. I know. I don't think it does anymore. And, yeah, it was like, I don't know, 300 V.C. Or something like that.

Because they found yeast. They found proof of fossilized. bread and yeast. Because yeast was the thing. Like whoever discovered it, you know, they were making breads, but it was unleavened breads. It was like this.

And then once yeast came in, that's what. As soon as you said fossilized bread, I just pictured a, like a skeleton of a T-Rex with a subway meatballs sound, you know. Yeah. So 30,000 years ago.

30,000 years ago. 30,000 years ago. Isn't that wild? It is wild. Now, next question, when was the first domesticated dog? Did you know that one? I would put that as 15,000 years ago. 30,000 years ago.

Both of them. Isn't that wild? Yeah, roughly around 30,000 years ago. Very first domesticated dog. What do you owe that to? Why the overlap? That's what I thought maybe you'd have an insight into. I mean, here's Cleopatra with a poodle.

No, I don't know what the first dog was. It was probably more wolf-like. Yeah. Because that's where all the doggies came from. Isn't it weird to think that the massive timber wolf that can take down a moose, somehow we engineered, bio-engineered a chihuahua that can't even wrestle down a mouse? Like, how did it? How do we do that?

What kind of Frankenstein freaks are we, man? A lot of weird sexual hookups. The, well, I would say it's because it's domesticated, right? So it's the home. Yeah. And bread is all of a sudden the flavors and the smells of bread on the hearth. And that's homey and insular and the dog is sticking around. And all of us, yeah, I think they're both about.

Staying home and feeling safe. Building, starting for, for humans to start building homes. It's the kids, the family, at some kind of domicile. And then the need for protection and companionship. And so the dawn of sort of cooking bread and the dawn of having a pet. Interesting. Do you think that the dogs got hip to the home and that there was food there? and they were like, they domesticated themselves like, hey, I'm your pal.

I'm going to stick around because there's food here. Or do you think that humans took the wild animal and said, I want protection or whatever, and I'm going to break you and make you. I think it was a mutual exchange. I think, I think humans befriended wild dogs, foxes, you know, wolves, coyotes, whatever at some time. They got some rogue one that came in. It's always food.

with the animals. Let's face it, your pugs won't be around if you weren't feeding them. Absolutely not. Humping a leg, it in an out burger. That's all he's thinking about. Please, a double double. Those eyes twirling around like they just ate crystal meth. Animal style. Yeah, animal style, doggy style. But I think it was it was the luring with food. You know, animals are smart, especially canines. And they started to realize there was this symbiotic relationship where if they hung around, outside and barked when there was a disturbance, their reward was food. And then I think as we evolved, that's sort of just the food elements sort of evolved into the compassion element and the, you know, the element of touching and feeling and and companionship. Right, right. Yeah,

that makes sense. That's what's dumby thing. And bread right around the same time. That makes sense. Yeah. The bread, yeah, because dogs don't really go for bread. I mean, they're not. Oh, that's not true. Do they really? They love bread? When, when. Idiots. As soon as I take my serrated knife and put it into the sourdough loaf, you make, what do you make an O.J? Brad. Lord, a serrated knife. When I go to town. Where's your bakery over on Bundy? What the only time I've ever heard that term is with OJ. When I go to town on that sourdough with my

knife, the dogs appear. Really? They appear out of nowhere. What, they're just dropping through the roof? Like when watches fell through it, Poulter guys, just out of the drains, out from behind the oven. That's a horror movie right there. They want bread.

Really? Because I've had dogs, I never really, like meat, anything meat or sweet, but I never really remember them like throwing a crust of bray like this too i do that to ducks like chips they really they like everything i mean when the meat comes out it's a whole nother level yeah yeah i have when i grill i have these metal tongs and i keep them in the you know like the utensil drawer yeah if they hear that utensil just being taken out they know it's on oh wow we're going to

the grill it's he's he's going to the grill it's so excited and it'll start to Follow me down. Have you ever thought about taking those tongs and just straightening their eyes, just clamp them on. We also have a black lab. Racist. And so much more intelligent than the pug. Really?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, labs are super smart. Oh, because they have their own lab. They're scientists. Yeah. They're black scientists. There's also yellow labs too. Yeah.

Asian scientists. Yeah. There's golden lab. and those are, you know, ones that have been, I'm not going to say it. See, that was me going into Dirty Joe. I was going to do, they've been pissed on as if a golden shower, but I don't do that. I stop. I don't do it.

I'm not even going to say it. I'm not even going to say. I'm glad you did. They're pissed dogs. Golden, hot pissed dogs. I'm not going to. I'm glad you. Because that's not, that's not my brand.

I feel like you're doing it. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have.

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And it looks like a, it's got a racing helmet on. I think I've seen that on Instagram. Oh, let me guess. Jim Gaffigan's Instagram. You know what? Why'd you bring up Jim again? Stop bringing up Jim. Well, every bit I do, does he have a tracheotomy slip in the bathroom bit he does, by the way?

Yes, but without a single dirty word. Because he whispers it. Mm-hmm. I was in the bathroom the other day, and I slept. Why is Harlan doing that? Oh, that's good. Are you tight with him? Yeah.

Do you guys bowl together or anything? No. Just hang out. Hang out. Talk on the phone once in a while. No way. Like a proper call. Do you go places together?

Like, do you do things? I just did a gig with him and Jerry Seinfeld up in Canada. The Jair. The two of them are doing some big arena. arena shows the three of you on a show that's a solid show yeah it was fun oh it must have been sold out obviously yeah how big was the theater 15 000 the toronto scotia bank oh dude yeah those guys sell sell big no and you too dude you guys are a great mix because you're all all three of you are really clean but really clever really funny one of the things i love to going back

the family element you were talking about with the canines. Yes. One of the things I love about you, because, you know, comedy is a bit of an edgy world. We've got a lot of characters that are edgy. And, you know, not all of us, but there's a percentage that are, you know, rabble-rous, troublemakers, drug addicts, drinkers.

You know, we got all that. Yeah. But you seem like one of the more wholesome guys that's a, when I see you and I hear you, you're a real family guy, which I like. and looking at you, I get that. As a family guy, is it interesting to have that career and your kids kind of go, what does daddy do?

Because, again, it's a little bit quirky. It's not your average career, right? Yeah, it's not, yeah. I think from the kids' perspective, it's because, you know, you're just growing up. I think they just slowly realized, oh, my dad does something that's weird. It's different from what these other people do. You know, not like the, the, like, nefarious, weird, like that part of it. But just the, just that, oh, he's home, like, whenever he goes when he wants to go.

And he doesn't have a boss. And he just stands up in front of people and says inappropriate things and they laugh. Yeah. That's his job. Like that slow realization of that. Yeah. I think was pretty funny. Do you have a moment for, and if this is too personal, stop me, but do you have a moment with your kids where you, Tom Papa, as their dad, had a hero moment where it was a big moment where you were, you know, it's almost like you're standing up on the rock and they're like a big dad moment where you just kind of, in your head, you weld up and you're like, wow, you know, and the kids kind of, I don't know if the kids interpreted it as a hero moment, but was there ever.

a real triumph that you had that was in front of your kids or you felt was like sort of bigger than other moments in your time with them? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, I don't think so. I think it's a kind of a funny thing when you, because they're 22 and 19 now. Yeah. And they, the things that you think are, have weight and are important.

and the way I treated someone in front of them or when I told them this or that kind of thing. Those moments don't stick. It's kind of like when you grew up, I'm sure. You're catching things about your parents that they're not even aware that they're imparting a lesson. Right, right. You know what I mean?

And they take it away. They take away like those, their bigger moments are not, a big moment of a kid to a parent. It's not the same as the parent to the kid. But was there one that, you had, regardless of what they thought, where, you know, maybe it was like one of your kids was getting beaten up and you came out and like, if you touch mine, you got between your kid

and some harm or you solved a problem for the family or the kid, and maybe not. I'm just wondering if there was some grandiose moment that really made your pride, like, pop out more than normal, just being a good dad. Yeah, I don't know. Well, let me flip the coin while you think about it. Was there ever a moment, and again, if this is two persons, was there, was there a moment that felt sort of defeatist where you felt you let yourself down or the family down, something that you thought you could do or you thought you could, or you made a mistake? And it's sort of like, yeah, there's countless numbers, not of like real great weight. Right. Like real major, like, oh my God, I messed that up. But just a daily, a daily collage.

of dumb dad moments every day all the time like dad that's dad your lights on your on your phone dad your lightest on your phone the flashlight dad the door can't be open when the dogs are home dad the pot's still on and it's right there's smoke is coming out okay bumbling dad stuff there was when we were uh in our first house and i went to uh to do the jumper cables on my car in the house and no in the house. That's a mistake. That was the first mistake. And then did something wrong and flames started coming out of the thing. And my daughter just like, I really remember her thinking. And it was that. And then we had a, this clay fire pit. It was kind of like a pot belly. Yeah, I've seen those.

You know? Yeah. But it's too, I put a door flame log in it. And it got too hot. It got too hot. And the thing just started cracking. And I, and they're going, it should have been. like that and then flame shooting out that happened like those two events happened like i think in my head like within a month of each other was it your daughter there or jim gaffigan because when you went should it be like that that sounded a lot like gaffing in again is this his story is this his clay pot story i may have heard it in toronto at the scotia bank and uh i really remember that moment being like her realizing oh i got to watch him I thought he had his all.

He's dad. Yeah, he's not to be trusted all the time. Dad don't know it all. No, he could be dangerous. And I have to look out for him as much as he's looking out for me. So wait a minute. When you caused the flames to come up from under the hood of the car. Yeah.

Were you, did you plug the on the wrong side? Yeah. Put the negative on the positive. Yeah. And it sparked. something caught like the insulation in the hood or something like it caught like there were a flame like the legit flame in the garage or out on the driveway on the on the front in the street in front of the house all the neighbors got to enjoy yeah a couple neighbors got to

see it there's papa again and when you're doing those things they're like dad uh you're like it's okay this is totally safe people do this all the time honey so it happened as soon as you touched it Or when you started the engine? It would probably be when you touched it, I would think. Knowing my skills at the time, it was probably running already. Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah. And it ignited.

Wow. Yeah. And she was like, I really, I really, it was a turning point. It was like a, oh, this guy, he's good at, he's good at making those dads laugh, but I don't think. How did you put out? Do you have a fire extinguisher? Did you just like padded it? Like whatever I had it.

Just slam the hood. It'll go away. Let's get in the house. Put it in reverse. Let it roll to the neighbor's house. Don't tell your mother. Don't tell your mother. Hey, everybody.

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you've kind of got that talented Mr. Ripley look where, like, I remember I did a little movie once and I cast you as like a CIA guy. And because you always like look to me like you could be a CIA guy or a doctor. Like you're the type of guy. Like if I looked like you and someone had a heart attack on a plane and they're, Oh, ladies, we have a situation. Are any doctors on the plane? I would just go, yeah, I am.

Even though I'm not. If I looked like you, I'd just run up and, you know, pretend. What do you mean? So I look like. You've got kind of that, like I can't pinpoint your look. I know who you are now because you're a comedian, but you've got that sort of every man like I could buy you as any profession, like a CEO or a surgeon.

Like if you ever just walked in a hospital and carved out a kidney or anything? They probably get away with that. I do, in show business, I do, anytime I watch a movie of something happening in the 50s, like catch me if you can or, or anything in space where NASA with the guys with the short sleeve button downs. Yeah. I always feel like that's my, I should be in all of those.

Yeah, that's your lot. That should be my. Yeah, I can picture you the guy. You know, when they go into, not an astronaut, no offense. No, the guy in the, the guy in the console. With the radar and he's sitting there. Yeah, separate. Separate, capsule five.

Go ahead. Apollo 12. Go ahead. Separate. That guy. Yeah. Oh, you're that guy. Yeah.

Lab coat. Yeah, you couldn't get into space. No, no, no. On the ground. Not with that look, but on the ground. I'm nervous chewing on a pen. Yeah. And like five pencils and pens in your little pocket.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you're that guy. Would you do it? Like Elon said the other day, so did Trump. We're going to go to Mars. Would you, would you do it? Probably not because you have a family.

Yeah. And I, when I, when they were younger, I thought maybe I'd go. Yeah. I would go. to, you know, the deal is you can't come back. Yeah, that's what I mean. You've got a family. Yeah.

Maybe. Maybe it's guys my country's calling. I got to go. I thought about it. But then I, but now I'm, I know, I'm getting seasick on, on boats. You are? I never did before. And I'm thinking the motion thing is, uh, oh, interesting.

It's really cutting out a lot of things in my life. like fishing, deep sea fishing or roller coasters or going to Mars. I feel like they're all kind of, I got to kind of just accept I'm probably not going to do it. Yeah, going for a halibut, six flags and going to Mars. Right. Yeah, you got to cut those down. I know. It's a shame because I was ready to do all of them.

So your equilibrium is kind of changing. Yeah. How weird is that word, first of all. Equilibrium. And then secondly, how is it that as you grow older, it changes? I think it's an inner ear thing. Yeah. I think from flying so much, this ear will clog up more than the other.

With air pressure? Mm-hmm. Huh. Do you have a deviated septum? I don't think so. I think you might, guy. Can you smell anything? Yeah.

I smell these taco chips. Okay. Uh, if it, if I have a cold, a slight cold, this one clogs. Huh. And I'll have to, to the point sometimes where the, my equilibrium, like it starts to spin. Oh, wow. And I got to wait. You get dizzy.

I get dizzy. And I got to ride it out. You start to sweat a little bit. Yeah. And you just got to wait for it to pop. And it sounds like a balloon, like a. Yeah, right. And it, and when it pops, the equilibrium comes.

back and everything's fine. So I think it's all related to that motion in the thing, yeah. Have you ever been checked for a deviated septum? Doesn't sound like it. Might want to go to an ear, nose, throat, and face specialist or whatever they're called. What is it exactly? I thought it was sinus. Yeah, it's your sinus.

So it's like deviated. So it's not like most people have a really clear air passages up through their sinuses. So a deviated one means it's not perfect. It's deviated, so it's either pinched or it, you know, it's just... How does it get to the ear? Well, I think they're connected, right? Your sinuses and the pressure in your nose is connected to the pressure in your ear. Right.

You might be right. Yeah. Because I do... This is so boring, but I do get a little headachey sometimes. Oh. From like a sinus pressure. Huh. Is the...

Maybe get it looked at guy. Yeah, maybe. It's funny because when I asked Tommy, said, Tom, you want to come on the Harland Highway? And he said, Harlan, there's really no benefit. There's no upside. Why would I do it? And I said, would you do it for me as a favor to a guy, a friend? I was like, what do I get out of it? And he said, Harland, I just don't get anything out of it. There's nothing. And now you've been diagnosed with a symptom that's going to cure your dizziness.

Can they cure that? Yes. They can operate on it. Really? Yeah. That would be nice. So my sister had a deviated septum and she lost her sense of smell. So for like five years, she would eat and couldn't smell a thing. And I said, why do you even eat? She goes, I just imagine that the texture. So she couldn't taste either. She couldn't taste it because she had no smell. And she goes, I just sort of remember the smell.

So I'm like, oh my God. And she had a deviated septimant. And it's sort of an intense surgery. And she was really hesitant to get it. So she went and got it last year, got it. And her sense of smells back. And she couldn't be happier. But I have a horrible one.

You do? I've had it my whole life. I went in for something not related once. I had something going on. I think it was an ear infection, actually. And so I went in to get it, and they took an x-ray of my face, and the doctor came back. He said, I've been doing this my whole career. He goes, I've never seen a worse deviated septum than what you have.

Jeez. And I said, you know what? He goes, we got to get you in here and meet. I said, you know what? I can taste my food. I can smell. I don't snore. I'm good.

Yeah. And I thought, if it ain't broken, I ain't going to fix it. And so, but apparently I got a real winner going on. But I don't. Was there any part of you that thought that this might be your opportunity to get a nose job and blame it on the surgery? What do you mean, Tom? I'm proud of my French-Canadian nose. No, it's good.

Well, what's Gaffigan's nose look like? Why are you talking about your nose? No, you have a beautiful nose. I was only teasing. Stop, don't do it. I really, it's a nice nose. You like it? Yes, it's perfect.

And good on camera. Don't, don't. I can't tell where funny guy stops and sincere guy. I wonder who the first comedian was. If bread and dogs were 30,000 years ago, I wonder what the first, was it a caveman? was corg like in front of a log and like, oh, two velociraptors, how did one velociraptor get to the other side of the river?

I bet it was very much fart related. Oh, yeah. Right? Blue angels. Just the timing. Yeah. Everyone's very serious. There's a dinosaur out front.

Yeah. It was very quiet. Yeah. Dude. Or you got to figure they're eating taradacto wings around the fire by the bucketful and they're all gassy and they, You know, the thing where they lay down and they make a blue flame, like a blue angel. And then they just start laughing.

Yeah. Uncontrollable caveman laughs. The caveman, like when you know you shouldn't be laughing, but they're laughing. Well, you shouldn't be laughing because you're out there, you know, unguarded, and the T-Rexes hear it. And you laugh, and they just come and swallow you like shrimp poppers. But the comedian caveman can't stop. He just knows it's so tense. This is an easy laugh.

I can make them laugh right now. With your club. It's funny to think of, though, because we think of, you know, Neanderthal man as this sort of primate, probably hunched over, clunking around, hunting and gathering. I wonder where the first time there was like an out loud, like a belly guy.

Yeah, like a real laugh. I've never thought it. We're in the business of funny. I've never thought, the very first laugh. Yeah. Who did it and why? An uncontrollable laugh.

You know the ones where you're wheezing? Like maybe grong. Were they just doing like little eye rolls, like little funny? Yeah. Like the office or they're just like. Yeah. I bet right? Yeah.

It is pretty, because you always think of them as very serious and stern. But there had to be people that were. And you'd have to think it would have to be a physical gag that got them. Because, you know, you'd have to see Gronkel a trip over a log or a rock or a rock. and stumble down a hill. Because I doubt there was any type of language

that could elicit a laugh like, oh, hey, unglok, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung, gung. You know what I mean? I doubt the, I doubt language was refined enough for them to put together a structured joke, even a knock, knock joke. Yeah, but the fat caveman trips on a log and everybody's going to be rolling. And plus back then, they didn't have doors,

so you can't do a knock, knock joke. Yeah. this is deep it's almost too deep yeah i wanted to keep it shallow and surfacy and just you know what lighten it up words from a wooden shoe remember this yes i do words from a wooden shoe nothing lightens it up than a loafer a wooden loafer so what we're going to do you're reaching here tom random words and see if it sparks a story from your journey, something that happened to you, someone you know. Okay.

Just somewhere along your journey, does that word inspire a tale from the vaults of Tom Papa? Lost your phone. Oh, here we go. Here we go. Wow, it's about to get deeper. I was running for my life. I was all alone.

No, the thing that it popped into my head is before the phone, before having phone. Can I bend it a little bit? Yeah, man, this is your story. This isn't really my comedy journey, but it's... No, it can be just from your life. It's kind of a fascinating thing that I was able to even do this. Like, this was possible. So we have our phones now.

It's like a lifeline. Yeah. But when I was in college, we went to see the Grateful Dead play in Virginia. me and my college friends we got in our car and we drove and we camped in a parking lot to watch the dead let me guess you hallucinated a phone before they were invented yeah go ahead and i kept saying where's my cell phone everyone was like what are you talking about and i locked my keys in the car at a dead concert at a dead concert deep in the stadium parking lot wow and my keys are locked in the car and this is like a three-day thing we're going to be this is my

be like day two. Without a cell phone, how, how am I going to get help? How am I going to solve this problem? It seems literally impossible. How are you going to get the acid? I went while on acid. Yeah. I somehow found a pay phone at the edge of the parking lot.

Okay. Found a tow truck locksmith company called them. met the arranged for them to come out met them in the sea of hippies got the truck got in the truck he fought he i walked and he followed me to my car and got the key out like jimmied the lock and got me my keys out yeah somehow paid him like that seems impossible yeah you know it goes back to show you the resourcefulness we had. Yeah. And for that to happen then was not extraordinary.

But when you look at it now, you're like, what are you? I could have just, I could have just had 20 tow truck drivers there in a second. I'm yell, picked out the best one. Yeah. Paid through Zell. They could have just came back to the thing. Probably an app in your phone to open your car. Beep.

Yeah, exactly. Plank on. There we go. Yeah. Or how did we even get to Virginia to this park unless? Someone had to get a map. We had a map. A map, yeah.

And we plotted our course. Yeah. And found our way. Isn't it funny? Yeah. Yeah. It seems impossible. Yeah.

Well, I remember the early years of touring when, you know, you'd land at an airport. And if you rented a car, you'd literally have to, before you left your home, you'd have to print out. And this is even above it, print out Yahoo Maps with the directions. But then before Yahoo Maps, you had to ask the guy at the rental car place, hey, how do I get 70 miles away to this university? And they tell you, and somehow you did it. Yeah, and people helped each other. That was your technology, just strangers.

You know what, you know what, and how they do it up in the tundra is with dog sleds. I'm just picturing, you know, with a dog sled team of pugs, and their eyes are going different ways so that you never get to where you're going. because the pugs are just, their eyes, so they're always going crooked. And then they got into using huskies and it became, and then they would tell stories. Remember, we used to do this with pugs.

Yeah. We used to do this with those dogs. The evolution of, oh, Tommy. Well, buddy, tell the good folks again about your podcast, about where you're going to be touring. Everything that's coming up, let them know. I'm, go to tompapa.com is the place to go,

and that'll lead you to the Breaking Bread podcast where we have all these great guests every single week. We've had, just recently we had Dave Attell and Henry Winkler and Sarah Silverman, Anthony Jezzanek, just all these great people, Jimmy Kimmel. Jerry, you've had Jerry Gaffigan. Did you have Jay Leno on too? I had Leno on. Yeah, you got great guests. Check it out, folks. Really great people.

Harlan, you'll be coming back next to. Love to. Thank you. And that'll also lead you to my tour. That's the biggest thing happening now is my tour. Okay. It's called The Grateful Bread Tour. Of course.

Don't lock your car keys in, gang. And I'm going to the Chicago Theater and all over New York, San Francisco, everywhere, a ton of dates. And this is just you solo, right? Just me doing Stan. Are you doing any more stuff with Gaffigan and Jerry? Or is that a one-off? They're doing, I think, 10 in total.

Oh, wow. You should try and go out and see it if you can. and I'm going to do the last two in San Diego and Phoenix. Dude, yeah. Good for you, man. Telling jokes all around the world. Go see Tom, guys. He's one of the best, hilarious.

And here's what, I'm going to say this because I'd say anyone who's married and as a family and sort of lives a blue collar life, it's hilarious. But then even if you don't, everything you talk about is so relatable. And we all come from families. and you'll just love Tom's act. It's just fantastic. Fantastic. Go see him, gang.

Do you want to throw one? I think you should throw one. That was very satisfying. It's right throwing one. Wait, can we do it together just as we go out? Where are we going to throw it? Right on the table. Throw it down?

Yeah, like smash. Other hand, that way you won't. Ready? One, two, three. That felt good. Salue. That felt good. That's like smashing.

plates when you're a Greek, except because we're Mexican, we smash tacos. That's an F-bomb for a clean comedian. Wait, are you Mexican? No. Oh, wait, neither am I. People used to confuse me with Gene Pampa. Yeah, a Mexican comedian. I haven't seen Gene in a beat.

In a beat? Yeah. In a minute. Okay, player. Guy goes, Ubonics on me at the last second. Who's going to clean this up? the pugs they love bread he would get him over here pull them out of your sweater folks i'll bring him next time bring him next time that's it for today thank you for being here until next time

chicken chowman baby thanks tom we did it i mean i will bunch on the edge of a to stata i mean i will bunch on the edge of a tostada i mean i will bunch on the edge of a tostada hey everybody how would you like your very own personal video message from me yours truly it's your birthday it's your anniversary at your graduation or you just want me to make you laugh you get to pick the topic you want me to discuss give me some talking points and off we go you can get it for yourself or get it for a friend it's super easy and fun just go to the cameo app on your phone or to camio dot com and I record a custom video made just for you or your loved one. Your very own personalized Harland.

Hey, everybody, my brand new book, Uncle Milton, is here at last. It's a collection of strange but wonderful short stories, and you can read that along with some of my other books. I bet you didn't know that I wrote books, did you? It's a little secret I've had. We have craved with zombie stories, and we have journeys, people's harrowing tales of their journeys through life. Sex, Sin, and Satan, where we explore some darker themes.

And don't look under the bed, some Twilight's On Us stories for bedtime reading at harlainwilums.com.