The Harland Highway - VIRUS SPECIAL #10 - DR. ASCOT pays a visit to help us cope with Corona. Is the virus slowing down? Question of the day. T-Shirt winners!

Episode Date: May 28, 2020

DR. ASCOT pays a visit to help us cope with Corona. Is the virus slowing down? Question of the day. T-Shirt winners! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey y'all. How you doing? Y'all doing okay. It's me, Harlem Williams, your host, to the Harland Highway podcast. This is Virus Special number 10. Hope your virus is doing okay. Hey, welcome everybody. Podcast number 10, Virus Special. I'm your host, Harland. And today we are talking about the virus. I think we're kind of starting to see it dissipate to a degree or at the very least things starting to open up and get back to normal. So we're going to talk about that. Also, a therapist. Dr. Ascot is here. Many of us have been cooped up for months now. And we have a professional therapist here to kind of help us through it, help us maybe get to the other side of it. So that'll be intense. Dr. Ascot, also the question of the day.

We're going to ask an interesting question about something that involves the virus and some of the proceedings that have gone on. So we've got that. And then we'll be announcing our winners for the Harland original T-shirt giveaway. We have the phone calls and the winners of the big giveaway. So big show. your seatbelt on, put a pillow around your head, and let's do it. This is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper.

You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. That means that every woman in this village who is capable of childbirth is going to have a baby. You shit kicking, stinky horseman horse-mulling, motherfucker, you. Tell me his name! You must tell me his name! This is Harland Williams. Oh, well, my mistake. Ha-ha.

Guess I'll be on my way, then. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. What have you done to it? What have you done to its eyes? All of you. All of you, freaks. Heavens to Mercatroy.

Whether you're wearing a pullover, or a... Cardigan, it's the Harlan Highway. I have to hang up now. Well, I think we should start cheering. I think some cheers might be in order. I feel like we're starting to come out of this whole virus thing. I'm not saying it's over. I'm not saying it doesn't exist, but it feels like, as they say, we've lowered the curve.

It feels like the panic and the fear and a lot of the floating anxiety about this whole virus is starting to subside to a degree. I think people are cautiously optimistic. I think things are starting to open up a little more. I think slowly but surely things are beginning to reopen in some places not fast enough according to some and in other places they still want to keep it locked down until there's a cure which seems very unrealistic to me because who knows how long a cure could take a cure you know that we don't even have a cure for the common cold and that's been around for Since the beginning of mankind.

You know, they don't have a cure for AIDS. They don't have a cure for many things. Cancer, herpes, you name it. So the concept of staying in our houses until there's a cure, that could take 40, 50, 60 years. That could take never. There's no guarantee there's a cure. So when you hear politicians speaking like that, it's very frightening.

And so I think the more realistic politicians and socially conscious people and authoritative figures that are kind of, you know, what we look to to guide us through this crazy existence we live in, we look for some kind of balance for things to be rational and reason. and every day in life is infused with a certain amount of risk. And at some point, we have to decide do we shut her in place and wither away? Or do we go out and try and trudge through the storm? And I'll tell you what, I'm one of those guys that trudges through the storm. You know, you can't just shut down the bees net.

If the bees stop bringing the honey and the pollen, the hive dies, man. It just, everything turns black and mold starts to grow and you're doomed. So we're not at the same place we were when this thing started like two and a half, three months ago, where everyone was just like, oh, my God, there's a virus, there's a pandemic. What do we do? Oh, my God. You know, it's like when you kick an ant's nest open, right? the second you kick the ants nest open, there's chaos, right?

The ants just come scurrying out. They're running all over the place. They're running around the perimeter. They're just going nuts. Their whole world just exploded. But then very quickly, you'll see the ants organize, and they'll absorb the damage and they'll absorb the disruption rather quickly. And you got to remember, we're talking about lowly little ants.

Okay, these are like, you know, some of the lowest life forms. If that's the way you want to look at them, I think they're quite brilliant, to be honest. And we can learn from them. But if you've ever been a naughty kid and you have and you've ever kicked an ant nest open, you know. It's like they just go berserk and all the soldiers are running out and all the ants. There could be like hundreds of thousands of them. There's at least probably 10,000 in each ant. ant nest. There's tons of them. But here's what you'll notice. Almost by the end of the day,

if you go back, if you kick an ant nest open in the morning and you go back by the end of the day, I'll be damned if that ant nest isn't pretty much back together. It's incredible. And some people pour water on ant nest. Some people take torches to them. Some people put poison in them. Some people just kick them open with their boots, but no matter who's there, whatever ants survives, they just brave the storm and they start moving the grains of sand and rebuilding the mouth of the ant nest. And they're just wired. They're wired to face adversity. They're instinctually wired to survive.

And no matter what has befallen them, no matter what hit their nest, they know they have to rebuild and fortify, reconstruct. And they know they have to just keep living and harvesting food and clearing the tunnels and recreating and protecting their little empire. And that's what we have to do. We're ants, man. And this virus kicked the nest open. And so at the beginning, we scrambled and we ran around and we went nuts.

And isn't it interesting that ants get their shit together faster than we do? They've rebuilt by the end of the day. They're so resilient. And remember, do they even have a brain? What's the size of an ant brain? All they know is moving sand and eating flies. What do we know? We've been to the moon.

We've been to Mars. We've created airplanes and electricity and fax machines and microwines. waves and telephones and boats and I mean what haven't we done and yet the ants seem to scurry around better than we do and and so and so you know it's taken us a while but we've kind of got data and we've got information and we've got scientific research and we've had we've given people time to clear their heads and step back and examine and attack this thing?

And like I said, it ain't over. But what we know now is that if we're careful, if we're smart, if we take precautions, maybe we can dance around it. Maybe we can work through it. And do I think

it's going to be completely gone? No. Unfortunately, there's going to be certain people that are going to get it. But knowing what we know, I think we can dance around it where a lot less people get it. And let's not forget, the people they get it, the majority of them don't die from it, you know, which is a relief. And unfortunately, it's kind of like this. This is a weird virus. It's like the culling of the herd.

This virus decided to attack the weak and the elderly. It's attacking people with pre-existing conditions like diabetes and obesity and breathing issues, lung issues. It's attacking the elderly. If this was Africa, this disease would be the hyena, right? The hyena is that scavenger, that predator that roams the grasslands, and they follow the herds and they look for the maimed and the weak and the dying and the sick. and they chase them down and they attack them and they destroy them. It's called thinning the herd, culling the herd. We as humans do it.

We cull the herd. It's a part of, quote-unquote, animal and forest management, which I've never bought, to be honest. I just think it's cruel. But the powers that be in government that they actually permit hunting because they say, you know, if you let a certain amount of elk or deer or moose or wolf overpopulate, they damage the ecosystem. Get it? Things that are a natural part of the ecosystem, damaging the ecosystem. In other words, they start encroaching on human land and property where we destroyed the ecosystem so we could put in parking lots, cities, towns, and buildings. So we got to, quote, unquote, call the herd.

We thin the herd, right? But it's in a strange way. That's what nature's doing to us now. And it sounds like most of the healthier, younger people who get it are surviving. And the weak and the sick and the elderly are dying. But according to statistics and research, it feels like every. everything's starting to be on a downslope and that that's good. That's good for us. That's good for society. And that that's good for us mentally. You know, a lot of us have probably all had some

psychological issues going through this. You know, when everything just stops and everything you know is just ripped out from underneath your feet, your job, your habits, your rituals, your routines, your ability to make an income, your ability to travel, your ability to just go to a movie or a restaurant. When you're pretty much put it under house arrest, and I'm not saying that the authorities are doing that to be cruel, it's just where we've got to be. It's not the mean version of house arrest. Like, you're under arrest, asshole. It's more like, hey, everybody, let's work together. Let's slow the curve on this thing. Let's all just stay home. And it's kind of like, a you know a self-house arrest um but it's it's it's making everyone uh you know take pause and

and have to deal with things that are coming up uh i've known a lot of friends including myself where we've become very introspective and and looked at our lives and looked at the the things in our lives around our lives the people the places the things we do the things we want the things we dreamed about, the things we didn't know about ourselves. In a way, this has been healthy, but maybe in a sad way, too, a little unhealthy because it's made people have to go to a place they've never been before and be in a frame of mind that they've never been before or weren't prepared for or didn't want to be in. and so there's a lot of psychological and human emotional nerve endings being tweaked through

all this and all of us have to deal with them and some of us need professionals and so I thought it would be appropriate to get in you know they have this on-air psychologist psychiatrist therapist guy that I've always had to check in with as part of my tenure here at the Harlan Highway to make sure I don't go overboard. And so he's coming in now. Is he here, Roger? Okay, send him in. I don't like talking to this guy, but maybe in this instance, it might be good to talk

to Dr. Ascot. And it might actually, for the first time since I've done this podcast, be worthwhile. Considering what we've been through, it might be nice to sit and talk to. to someone and deal with it. So here he comes. Here he is. Oh, God. Dr. Ascott.

Hello, Alland. Hello, Dr. Ascott. How are you? I'm excellent, Holland. How are you? I'm good, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but thank you for being here. Holland.

I'm saying thank you for being here, Dr. Ascott. Hey, everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes? Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus 100% free shipping on your entire order, doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait, Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

Adam and Eve.com and select any one item. It could be an adventurous new toy or anything you desire. Just enter the offer code Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Holland. Doctor, I'm glad you're here. Please don't say my name over and over the way you always do. It just always gets me off on the wrong footing.

I get... Holland. Yes! Yes. Are we here to talk about this thing or what? Yes, Holland. You seem a little... Well, I wanted a nice back-and-forth greeting, and somehow you kind of...

Why do you always have to say my name like eight times before we get started? Oh, and... See? You just see, there's no need. Nobody says a name that often, Dr. Ascot. Holland. Stop it! Holland, you seem rather agitated.

Well, I was actually quite calm. And you came in and I thought everything was going to be good, but I got to be honest. I see you here and sometimes your clothing just triggers me. Holland. Well, you've got a red paisley shirt on. Thank you, Holland. That wasn't a compliment. It looks weird.

You look like an outdated hippie and you've got mustard yellow pants. Thank you, Holland. It's not. And what's on your feet? Clogs. Clogs. Yes? You're with...

A red Paisley shirt, mustard yellow pants, and clogs. Chocolate brown clogs, Holland. Chocolate brown clogs. Thank you, Holland. I'm not complimenting you. Holland. Can we just get on with it? Yes, Holland.

You sound rather agitated. How have you been... Coping with the virus and the lockdown, Ireland. Well, that's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about today. And, you know, there's days where I feel good and days where I feel bad. And why do you feel bad on certain days, Holland? Because some days, if I'm being honest, I feel like maybe I don't think this thing's ever going to end. and it gets a little overwhelming.

You see what I mean? Yes, Arland. It's very hard to see the end of the road when there's fog rolling across the road, Arland. What do you mean, fog? That's a psychological term, Arland. When things become muddy and foggy and we don't have a clear view of the end of something,

Holland. We tend to think it will just lie in a perpetual, confused state and never reach any conclusion, Holland. Okay, well, that sort of makes sense, I guess. Maybe that's where I am. I'm in this coronavirus fog. As is most of us, Holland. And it's a very powerful fog. It's hard to escape, Holland. Okay. Well, that's why you're here today, isn't it? Can you help me and the other listeners escape this virus fog we're in? Absolutely, Arland. And you'll be surprised that the solution is quite simple. Okay, well, that's good to hear. All you need to get through the fog, Holland, is to picture in your mind a light coming through the fog. In essence, a point on the horizon where you believe you will get to the other side.

Okay, okay, I really liked what you said, and then at the end, my name, came in really long and... Holland, like that? Yes, what? Is that necessary, Dr. Ascot? Holland, do you believe in the light on the other side of the fog? Well, I'm trying to visualize it like you said, and I guess I'm, if I look hard enough, I can see it. Do you believe that the virus...

Will one day be over, Arland? Yes, I think I have no choice. I have to believe that the virus will be over. Can you trust that the virus is over, Holland? I think if I don't have trust, I don't have hope. Is that right? Excellent, Holland, yes. Trust equals hope equals trust.

Equals hope. Yes, yes. Equals trust. Equals hope. Equals trust. Okay. Trust equals hope. Equals trust.

Equals hope. All right. Trust equals hope. Equals hope. Equals trust. Oh. You know. No, boy, oh boy, you do not make this easy sitting there in your lemon yellow pants and your chocolate clogs and...

And don't forget my sky blue socks, Arland. So what do we do now? Now that I trust and I believe... Now we have to test your trust, Holland. We have to see that you believe that the virus can be over. Yes. Okay, good. How do we achieve that? What I need you to do, Arlen, is come close. We know that the virus is spread from human to human contact. Is that correct, Arlaland?

Yes, that's what they're telling us. Excellent. Then in order for you to trust in your own senses, your own psyche, I'll need you to go through a series of quick trust exercises, Arlans. Okay, why did you say it like that? Trusts, exercises, all right? Why are you lowering your wrenges? What do I need to do? What are these trust exercises?

I want you to come close to my face, Holland. Get within one inch, our noses, almost touching. Okay, I don't know if I like this. Come closer, Holland. Okay, right here? A little closer, just almost a paper's thickness between our noses. Okay, this is uncomfortable. I can smell your breath.

What have you been eating? I had some onion soup earlier, Holland, but let's not get distracted. God! Our noses are almost touching, correct? Yes? And you're willing to trust? Yes, Dr. Ascot. Excellent.

Oh my God! Oh, fuck! You fucking idiot! Oh my God! Did you just fucking spit a greener in my face, Ascot? Correct, Holland. Congratulations. you trusted trust in what you go oh my god it's in my freaking eye and running oh my god the hell's the matter with you trust alland now bring your face back no i'm not putting my face

near you bring it back alland do not spit in my face again that was disgusting Arland, closer? Trust. I'm trusting you one last time and don't. Arland, that's it. I, there you go, and just a butterfly's kiss away from each other and...

Ah, chew! Oh, fuck! You fuck, what the... Did you just sneeze in my face? Correct, Arland, or more like I trusted in your face. What do you mean, trusted in my face? You were able to trust that I could sneeze right in your face and not be afraid of the virus.

Holland, you came through the fog, in essence. More like came through your mucus, you sickoid. What the hell's the matter with you? Holland. Yes? What the hell was that? I was clearing the mucus from my face. throat right beside your face, Holland.

I noticed that's disgusting. What the hell is... God! What is wrong with you? Well, let me answer that, Holland. I'd like to hear the answer to this. Fuck, what the... Why are you coughing and what are you doing with your throat? Holland, you've made it through the fog.

Congratulations, What in the name? You did all that? So that you would see that you're not going to get the virus. Excellent job, Holland. Ascot, how do I know I'm not going to get the virus? You sprayed all my face, you mucused in my face, you sneezed in my face, you coughed in my face. And you trusted Holland.

And that's how you get through the virus. What? Dude, you are one twisted, unbelievable... Certified psychotherapist, Arland. Thank you very much. You know, if it wasn't for that diploma that you carry around, I'd probably have you arrested. Unfortunately, Arland, that's not going to happen.

and I helped you through the fog. Get out of here! Before I go, would you like some nice hot wanton soup, Holland? What, wanton soup? It's good for your sinuses. It's good for your pores. It's good for your insides to have a nice hot soup. Well, I do like wanton soup.

What have you got there? I've got this container. of wanton soup, Holland. Okay, I see it. I can see... It's like a plastic container full of wanton soup. That's actually one of my favorite soups. Do you see the wanton swirling around, Arland?

Yeah, I see them. I see the white... the white wanton swirling around in the water there. You know what? As much as I'm pissed off of you, I'll have some of that wanton soup. Excellent, Arlen. I've got to come. couple of bowls here. Let me just pour some out. Okay, hey, that actually smells kind of good. Thank you, Alland. I made it myself. Wow, okay. Here you go, Arland. Here's a spoon. Wow, thank. This is, this is, you know, I didn't like the way this session started, but this is kind of nice Dr. Ascot. Thank you, Alland, enjoy the wonton soup. Okay, I will. Let me, ooh, it is hot. Mmm, mm. How do you like it, Holland?

Mm, mm. Those wontons taste a little, I don't know, they're kind of a little, the little, the texture on the wanton's a little, I don't know, the texture on the wanton's a little, I don't know, grainy or something? Well, surprise, Holland. Welcome to your next trust exercise. What, what do you mean? Those aren't wantons. What do you mean they're not wantons? Those are used Kleenexes in hot water.

What? Those are some of my used Kleenexes full of snort floating around in hot water. They resemble wantons, Arland. You fucking... Are you telling me I just ate your fucking... Snort rags? Aren't they yummy? And congratulations on trusting in my used snort rags.

It looks like you're through the fog, Holland. Get the hell out of here. Get your fucking yellow mustard pants, your chocolate clogs. Don't forget my blue socks, sky blue. Get the fuck out of here with your, your Paisley shirt. And, Holland, would you like a second helping? Get the fuck out! Holy shit!

Roger, go to a break. I'm in a full. fucking douche my face. I'm gonna fucking suck a Summer's Eve douche and clean out my what a sick o'id. Holy fuck. Play a commercial. Holy fuck.

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one-piece unit means there's nothing to assemble. And it's available on two fragrances or vinegar and water. The solution doctors recommend. With summer's eve, freshness has never been simpler. The Harland Highway, question of the day. Okay, don't take this question the wrong way. Don't take it as mean or cruel or biting or anything like that. It's an honest, legitimate kind of question. And I think it's one we all probably asked to ourselves. Okay, during the virus, we've had an, you know, an overflow of politicians getting up in front of cameras, at podiums, at little camera setups, wherever, giving their speeches and talking about

the rules and all this and that. And many of the politicians have sign language interpreters beside them, okay? Obviously, for deaf people, okay? And not all of them, but a lot of them have the sign language people either right beside them or just over their shoulder, and sometimes they're kind of a few feet behind them. And I'm just being honest, I respect the deaf. I mean, God forbid any of us were born deaf or became deaf, it's horrible, It would be awful not to be able to hear things. And so, thanks to the ingenuity of human beings, they've created a sign language where deaf people can follow along with, you know, hand signals.

It's ingenious. It's absolutely, it's a beautiful thing, and I'm not knocking the deaf. But what I am going to say is, boy, is it distracting. and I know it's a necessity and I know it's probably the fastest is an easiest way to communicate with the deaf and if I was deaf I'd want this type of thing but I gotta say it just I'm stating the obvious here

to those of us that aren't deaf I gotta tell you it is so unusual and weird and you know I guess my question is is do some, do you think some of these interpreters are taking the piss out of us a little bit? You know, on a normal day, you know, sign language is a little bit aggressive. I mean, it's like you see a politician talking and then off to the side is someone doing all these mimes and hand gestures and movements and sporadic facial expressions and, you know, it's not just the fingers moving.

A lot of it is like these signers, they call them, contort their faces and they twist their mouths around and they kind of half-mouthed the words and they silently kind of speak. And I don't know if this is for lip reading or I get the feeling they get caught up in the energy of it, right? Because there's a lot of information. They've got to filter it through their brain. Bring it out the other side.

and it's almost like you ever see a guitar player like Jimmy Hendricks when they get into the guitar and their whole body kind of takes over and their eyes are closing and it looks like they're going into a trance and their fingers are flailing and their mouths are moving because the instrument kind of takes them over. I think with signers, the energy and the moment of having to sign so much, Right? Because you've got to figure if two deaf people are signing together, it's probably like a little bit of back and forth. You sign, you wait for a response, you sign back, right? It's a conversation.

So there's some pacing to it. But when you see the people signing and they're just like interpreting rapid fire nonstop communication from a politician, they just got to keep going. but here's my thing. And if I was a signer because I've got a wacky sense of humor, I think I would do this, okay? I've seen a few sign language people, and I think you know who you are. I think you know who you are. I think some of them are hamming it up

and taking the piss out of it to a degree, okay? Because, you know, I've seen sign language people, and they're very calmly just signing and twirling their fingers and making the motions. And yeah, their faces are moving a bit, but they're very reserved and they're doing a good job. And then I've seen a few of them, man, where I feel like I'm watching a Saturday night live skit. I feel like I'm watching a second city skit. I feel like I'm watching like someone pulling a prank yet. You ever do this when you're out in public or you were at school?

Remember when you were a kid And maybe even when you weren't a kid You know, I think adults still do this too Where you see someone walking funny And you walk up behind them And they don't know you're walking behind them And you start mimicking their walk Or you start walking like a chicken or something

And you're kind of making fun of them Or it's like when someone's taking a picture You know, let's see someone's taking a picture of you And some family member sneaks behind you And does the rabbit ears over your head or they make a goofy face and you don't know what's going on behind you? I swear I've seen some signers like really putting it into fifth gear, man. Like I almost see themselves almost cracking themselves up.

Like they're doing faces and hand gestures that are so much bigger and broader and borderline comedic that I know there's a couple of jokers out there that are really hamming it up. Okay, and A, part of me is kudos to you. Like, way to go, because, you know, it's one of those politically incorrect things where if you were to say something, it's like, do you have to be so big?

Excuse me? I'm trying to assist the deaf here, thank you, and you're accusing me, like, you can't say anything, right? So I've seen a few of these sign language people, and I can just tell. Because I'm in comedy, right? I can kind of read comedy energy. I can kind of read when a performer is kind of putting it on.

And there's a few where I swear to God I've almost caught them almost starting to laugh at themselves, okay? And well, these politicians are out there pontificating and being all serious and holier than now and acting like they have the answers to all eternity. Here's some signer behind them, looking like they're making faces at a monkey through the glass at the zoo. It is crazy.

So, A, I'm tipping my hat to you guys. But then B, I guess I'm complaining a little bit, and I don't want it to sound mean. I'm not trying to sound mean. Like I said, if I was deaf, I'd want it. But part of me goes, and maybe I'm just ignorant, and again, I'm not trying to be mean, but I wonder how many deaf people are watching? Like, you know, do you need these interpreters for everything? And then B, you go, well, why can't they just put the Chiron in at the bottom?

You know, like somebody typing along going, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, here's what they're saying. And I'm not saying this to be mean, to be not inclusive of deaf people. But I guess I'm saying it because it's very distracting to watch, and it's very, it kind of makes me uneasy, you know, because it's so big. And your focus goes from, let's say you're watching Barack Obama talk, and here's this person beside him flailing their arms and looks like they're juggling and it looks like they're throwing a pizza in the air. And it looks like they're screaming and it looks like they're, they're, they're, they're, they're an airline stewardess trying to, you know, show people where the seats are and the safety doors and the life rafts. And it's, it's really like, it's really chaotic and, and, and it's kind of like, like it's, it's like a crazy Italian guy. You know, the Italians like to, hey, what the hell is some spicy meatball. You know, they get their arms going in the air.

It's like, it's like someone like that, but they're on crack. And so, you know, it made me wonder, is there another solution with all the technology we have now? You know, with all the, you know, you've got these apps where you can walk up to someone in the street and you can be in Japan and go, hello, how are you? And the app goes, on the Tao, don't the kai, right? You have apps now that translate like different languages in a millisecond. So I wonder if maybe there's an app that there must be enough ingenuity in the television industry and the technology industry where they can just put a microphone beside whoever's speaking

and that microphone translates the words into a chiron underneath the politician on the screen. And if you don't know what a chiron is, that's when you see writing. It's like the text comes up. So a politician saying, you know, we've really got to battle this coronavirus. And there might be a bit of a delay where it's like, you know, we've really got to battle this coronavirus underneath. You know, you see it on the news all the time. Do you ever watch CNN or you watch football anything? They have closed captioning where you can watch a live broadcast of the news.

and the closed captioning comes underneath. And I'm not trying to put sign language people out of work. And I'm not trying to tell the deaf who they can't or what kind of option they have. But I would almost think for a deaf person because, you know, they obviously have their eyesight or they couldn't see a signer. wouldn't it be just as easy, if not more accurate to just watch a close caption

Kairong go by? Because you've got to figure with sign language, and forgive me, I'm not an expert in it, but you've got to figure that when you're signing, I don't know that you're able to sign every last grammarical point. You know what I mean? like I think in some instances, and correct me if I'm wrong, you might have to round things off or a conversation or a sentence or a paragraph might have to be like condensed or rounded off vis-a-vis sign language, because I don't know that you could sign every single nuance.

It seems like that would take an eternity, but maybe I'm totally wrong, but nonetheless, it's just, I don't know, it's a weird thing, man. And it made me remind, you know, speaking of communication and language and all this stuff, look, we're all different. We all have different ways of communicating and how we receive and learn and speak. And again, I'm not knocking it. I'm not saying to get rid of it. People get so uptight over this stuff nowadays. I'm just expressing how it looks and feels to the lay person. And I'm not speaking for all of you, but for me, it's like, It's really, like, kind of weird and distracting and bizarre.

But, you know, that's just me. But anyways, you know, and by the way, I'm a comedian. So you look for the humorous side of everything. So you're not, I'm not here knocking deaf people. I'm hoping someone will be able to translate this bit to a deaf person and they can see the humor in it. I would never try to be cruel and mocked. or make fun of these people. Oh, my God, are you kidding? I've done that many times in my stand-up shows.

You know, I've had deaf people at my stand-up shows. And they've either had someone with them who could sign or they're really good lip readers or whatever, but they've just been there. And so when I found that out, I engage with them on the stage. I don't run away from it. I don't run away from engaging with the deaf person because I think, oh, they're deaf. I can't say anything. It will hurt them. too sensitive. They're off limits. They're not human. Well, no, that's the wrong approach to take with people that have a disability or a handicap. I've always learned in my comedy and in everything. You include them. You're never cruel. You're never mean. But you've got to talk about these things. You've got to engage. You've got to bring people in. Or else what? You just leave them out in the cold

because someone's a sign language person. You can't have a little fun with it. You can't take a little sarcastic, well-humored jab at it? That's all it is. And I guess it kind of sucks. We live in a world where I have to do this whole kind of disclaimer now, because everyone gets so upset about everything. You know, in the old days, you could just, you know, talk about stuff and people were like, oh, that's a funny bit. We know he doesn't mean any harm by it, but what a funny observation. But now it's like you say anything that assaults anything, suddenly people think you're a hater and you're a mean person and you should be persecutes. It's unbelievable. Maybe this virus will maybe help everyone learn they've got to lighten up a little bit.

But anyways, on the beat of communication, I want you to hear this old skit from Second City, the second city. This is Catherine O'Hara. amazing comedic actress and Andrea Martin from Second City. They did a sketch where Catherine O'Hara played an English teacher in a night school class, you know, in a setting with a desk and a chalkboard and everything. And obviously an immigrant woman comes in named Perini Sclerosi or Scleroso, and she can't speak a lick of English. And this is just a hilarious bit where Catherine O'Hara is trying to communicate and teach this foreign woman who doesn't know the English language how to speak English.

Have a laugh. Have a listen. This is gold. Hello. Welcome to English for beginners. I am your instructor, Lucille Hitzker. And today my guest is Perini Scleroso. Hello. Hello. Come in. Come in. Come in. Come in.

Come in. Ha. Come in. Come in. Come in. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.

Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Uh-huh. See a door. Sit down. Yeah. Now we will begin with a few simple phrases.

No big if you see free. No, you don't have to say that. No, you do I see there. I am from out of town. Ah? I am off hometown. I am from out of town. Uh?

If from a town, can you direct me to the hotel? Can you interact me to the hotel? Can you direct me to the hotel? Can you interact me to a loto? Can you? Can... Who? Direct me.

me it's a rojo to the hotel to the hotel can you direct me to the hotel can you direct me to the hotel can you direct me to the hotel can you direct me to the hotel can you direct me to the hotel can you direct me to the hotel can you direct me to the hotel can you just go down two blocks you can meet you go down two blocks. You can't miss it. Oh my God. So funny. If you ever want to see that skit, it's on YouTube. It's SCTV English for Beginners. Gold. So funny. So let's get to our t-shirt giveaway. Oh my God. As you know, a few virus specials back. I told you that a wonderful person from Australia can't say the person's name it's a secret but um as you know I make I draw these homemade t-shirts I uh I draw them on right on the t-shirt with sharpy markers they're like one-of-a-kind works of art by Harland Williams yours truly you know the guy who hates deaf people oh my god um so um I draw right on the shirts and I sell these

shirts on my website. They're a little bit expensive because they are one of a kind and they take a lot of work and, you know, you're not buying a designer brand. You're getting your very own shirt that no one else will ever have. Okay, so there's 65 bucks. And during the virus, through the generosity in her heart, one of the Harland Highway Harlan Williams fans bought a couple of the shirts and she emailed me through the store and said, hey, you know, with all that's going on, I would feel really good inside if you were to take the shirts I bought and somehow gave them away to somebody else. And first of all, I was flabbergasted.

I was like, what a kind, generous person. And secondly, I thought, what a really cool idea. So I put it out there a number of weeks back. I said, hey, phone me, leave a message, and the top two messages that I get where you make your case for wanting a T-shirt, you will get the T-shirt. I will screen the calls and the two phone call messages that kind of make me laugh or make me feel like they were winners, those shirts will go to you. So here we go. I've picked the winners. I'm going to play the winners.

And then it's up to the winners to make sure they phone that same phone number on my website, harloweems.com. It's right there on the homepage. You can phone and leave a message. And then when I announce, when you hear your message and you know you've won, you phone that number and you say, hey, this is so-and-so. Here's my address. and I'll know it's you because I will compare your voices.

So don't anyone try to get tricky, little monkeys. So here we go. Here is message number one for the winner of a Harland Williams original t-shirt. Play it, Raj. Hi, Harlan. This is John. I deserve a shirt because I try really hard to write jokes, and I think they're hilarious, and no one else really does.

So, for example, how mad would you be if you caught the coronavirus because you washed your hands for 19 seconds? Okay. If the coronavirus was an STD, I'd be safe. No. I like to eat beef jerky, and I'm a vegetarian because... It's processed in a plant. No, that was ladies years and forth as Whitaker's left eye. Oh, anyone can have greatness thrust upon them.

Just ask any woman I've ever slept with. Oh, bloody hell. I don't think any of those are going to work. I love your podcast, and, you know, I could really use a shirt. but I don't think my career in comedy is going to make it. There you go, John. See, don't beat yourself up so bad, John. You did it, man.

You're our first winner of the Harlem Williams shirt. I kind of love that you made the effort. You rifled off three jokes. Like, you took the time to be funny. I liked it that you were humble. I liked it that you were kind of self-effacing, if that's the term. And I just love it that you made the effort, man. You put in a really good effort and you said you deserved it

and you went for it and you fought for it and you didn't even necessarily think you had the strongest material or the best chance. But you know what you had, John? You had heart, buddy. You had a lot of heart And it was well done And I did have a chuckle

You're funnier than you think, sir So congratulations to John Good job, buddy Thank you for playing along And you've earned yourself a wonderful t-shirt A hand-drawn original Compliments of Our friend lady friend down in Australia

Our mystery lady friend in Australia. So hopefully you'll wear the shirt with pride. You'll think of her when you wear it. And maybe you'll find it in your heart to pay it forward with something else, whether it be helping an old lady across the street or offering someone a sandwich or maybe telling some of your jokes to someone that looks like they're down. Maybe you find a little way to pay it forward. Maybe that's part of the prize. It's up to you. But congratulations. Now, in order to get the prize, John, you have to phone in and leave me your address. Speak clearly. Don't have your cell phone tucked in your neck. Don't have the window

open in the car with the wind blowing. Go to a nice, quiet, secure place. Okay? Maybe one of the rooms where you tell your jokes. It should be quiet there. I'm kidding. I couldn't help. I know. I'm just joking. I had to throw it in because you were saying and so I'm just playing with you, buddy, but I really appreciate the effort. So 323-739-4330. Give me your mailing address. No one else will get it. No one else will hear the recording. Nobody else has access to it. So your address is secure and call in and leave it. And we will

send your prize out to you. Congratulations. Great job. Let's hear it for John, everybody. Come on, let's hear it. A great job, wonderful job. And now we will, okay, that's good. Don't build up his ego too much, gang. Don't get John going too much. Let's switch gears and go to our second winner now our second exciting harland original t-shirt winner uh roger please play the message for winner two hello harland oh god i think i had too much a hummus yesterday or something but hey listen uh The reason why I'm calling is I really think that you should give one of your nice custom shirts there to one of your callers, Chad. He's been for a very long time. And you know what, Harlan, he actually has been quarantined this whole time in a house with five females, and he's the only male in the house.

So I think to prevent him from going on a murderous rampage and killing everybody in the house, we should give him one of the shirts to stop that from happening. And you know what, Harlan, if you do this for me, I promise I will take you to Wessel's Preciples, and we could go ahead and share one of those delicious Wetzel's Preciples. Love you, buddy. Bye. Okay, Chad. Our second winner is Chad.

You almost got to give the guy the win because of the name. Chad. My name is Chad. I love that name. Chad. I got to give you a high point for the effort. I mean, you know, you popped into Aunt Ruthie, one of my favorite characters to do.

You must have known. You must have known, oh, I'll get them. I'll get him with Aunt Ruthie. Oh, well, do Aunt Ruthie, and he can't resist giving me a t-shirt for god's sakes the little angel so you got me with the aunt ruthie you got me with a fart right at the beginning i mean right at the beginning it was like a you know a hummus fart how can you not reward a hummus fart right chad and then just he kind of stuck with the with the aunt ruthy it was like aunt ruthy light nobody does rooty like i do but it was a good it was a good attempt and uh i

appreciate the effort. It's all about effort. So very good job to Chad. He's our second winner. We only had two t-shirts. So, Chad, like John, please call 323-739-43-43. Leave your Addie, your address, and we'll mail your prize out to you. And again, thanks to our mystery friend in Australia, all mystery friend in Ozzy. She's the one that made this all happen. And for those of you that phoned in and left wonderful messages, I appreciate it. You all did a great job. They were all fun and unique in their own way. But I had to pick the two for specific reasons, and you're all winners in my book. everybody gets a red check mark everybody's everybody's a winner everyone gets an a because that's the world we live in there are no losers but uh appreciate everyone calling it and that was a lot of fun and uh

if you if you really want a harland williams original t-shirt just keep checking in on my website i post them every now and then they take a little while to do so i don't have them in the store all the time, but I put them in sporadically, and they seem to go, they seem to sell very quickly because they are, like I said, they're very unique, one of a kind. So congratulations to our two winners. Chad, let's give Chad a hand here, ladies and gentlemen. Great job, Chad. And I think that, let's not, okay, calm down. We don't want it, we don't want it, I don't want a new Aunt Ruthie. Good. Just don't, don't, don't, don't get it. the guy any ideas uh i think that's a great way to end the podcast up on a high note with winning i'm

winning winner tiger blood again uh heartfelt thanks to uh australia and our mystery lady who donated the shirts maybe all of us can pay it forward not just our winners but all of us get out there and pay it forward somehow a warm charitable deed is not only good for the people you do it to, but it's also good for your own heart and your own peace of mind and your own psyche. It feels good. Everyone stay safe. Like I said, I think we're coming to the end or, you know, the hard part of this thing. The next virus podcast might be the last one, the last virus special just because I think we're winding down and people are getting back to normal. And, you know, I just did this to kind of lighten the mood for everyone and maybe help people cope and get their mind off of things.

And as we return to normalcy, I will return to normalcy and get back to my own routines and things. And so maybe one more farewell virus special just to help kiss this stupid virus goodbye. So stay safe. Keep your toothbrush handy in case you. get fungus. And thank you for being here. And until next time, everybody, you're all winners and chicken. Chowman, baby.