The Harland Highway - VIRUS SPECIAL #4 - Creator of a NEW Social distancing App. calls the show.

Episode Date: April 9, 2020

VIRUS SPECIAL #4 - Creator of a NEW Social distancing App. calls the show. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh boy, here we go again. Who knew that a lethal virus would bring the Harland Highway back out of hiding for a little while? Hey, gang, it's Harland Williams here, your host. Just here to provide a little insight, provide a little laughter, a little entertainment to help you get through this tragic event we're going through. And today we're going to be talking about more of the serious side, the social ramifications and the psychological ramifications of not only the virus, but of the human existence, perhaps, the human species, how we adapt and change as something like this takes us over. Also, later in the show, we're going to have an app developer. This is amazing. Apparently, he's developed a new app, a social app, to help us adapt to the times we're living in and the times coming ahead.

Apparently, it's fascinating technology, it's cutting edge, it's something new, and it's going to help us figure out how to behave post and pre-coronavirus. So it's going to be good Got a lot going on Put your helmet on Your face shield Your eye goggles Anything else you got Let's go

This is the Harland Highway Put on your seatbelt It's about to get bumpy Oh how perfectly awful I get my kids above the waistline When will they take the bandages off We don't know who we are. We don't know where we are.

You're riding down the Harland Highway. Let us out of here. Please. Let me tell you, you're starting something here that that's what you should be frightened of. Fuck yeah, but. Just leave us alone. Sit down, strap in, and shut up. What's going on?

What's the matter? I thought maybe if I could kill him, I could make him stop. My mother never breastfed me. She told me she liked me as a friend. Who are we? This is the Harland Highway. What? It's the Harlan Highway.

It's a cup. Oh, boy. All right. Before I get started, I've got to tell you guys, you know, a lot of you were wondering what took the place of the Harlan Highway podcast. And I told you guys, you know, I was kind of moving on into something more creative for my next step of my creativity. and what it is, it's this little video series I've been shooting called Two Guys in Their Underpants, okay? Now, stay with me.

It's actually, if you like my sense of humor, if you like Twisted Bazaar comedy, you will love two guys in their underpants, okay? It's these two dolls, they look like Ken dolls, and all they wear is underpants and black shoes. And it's these two buddies who go on these adventures all over the world. I take these dolls with me, and I shoot them in various places all over the world. They've been to Saudi Arabia.

They did an episode at the St. Louis Arch. They've been to Vegas. They've been to Burning Man. They've been to the zoo. They bought a Tesla. I mean, these guys, there's a Halloween special coming up. There's a Thanksgiving special coming up. There's a Christmas special coming up.

There's an episode where they're at the beach, putting tanning butter all over a beautiful model and a bikini. These guys, they get into more bizarre situations. They've been to Niagara Falls. If you watch the Niagara Falls episode, they actually go right over Niagara Falls. And so I put a ton of work into it. It takes a lot more work than the podcast, actually, but I'm having so much fun with it. And if you want to get it, it's only available on patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. That's patreon.com backslash Harland Williams.

P-A-T-R-E-O-N, P-A-T-R-E-O-N, Patreon.com back-slash Harland Williams. And how it works is you pay a small fee to access all the material I put on Patreon.com. So, for example, you'll pay like, I don't know, $100 for a whole year or something like that. Go on and you can look. There's different pricing schemes you can get into. But think about it. Think about it. There's a new episode every 10.

days, plus other material I'm doing on there, plus I'm going to start putting podcasts on Patreon, plus all kinds of stuff, all the creative stuff I do behind the scenes is all going to be dumped into the Patreon site. So if you like what I do, and more than that, you want to support what I do, because all these things take, I need a bank roll. I need to, like, fund them. And, you know, it seems weird asking for money, but it's like the amount of work I'm putting in and doing and bringing is, it just takes a lot of time, effort and money to shoot these things. So it's a really great way to support what I do, you know, and keep in mind, I've been bringing the Harland Highway to everybody for free for 10 years, 10 years. And I've done it with love and gratitude, and I love doing it. But unfortunately, the new project I'm doing takes some financing.

So if you dig what I do and, you know, you want to help support the cause, I would greatly appreciate it. And the great thing is you can jump on and it's a monthly fee. So if you don't like what you're seeing or you're just like, this sucks, you can get off immediately. So you might spend $5 trying it for a month. And if you don't like your $5 you spent, which is probably the same amount you'd spend at McDonald's for a meal,

you can leave. But I'm hoping if you jump on and at least try it, you'll love it and laugh your ass off. And if you go on now, there's already eight episodes of two guys in their underpants already posted. So people are joining, people are loving it, and I hope you guys find it in your heart to get aboard. Patreon.com backslash Harland Williams, and maybe we'll see you there. But let's get on the podcast, okay?

It's weird that I'm back doing the podcast because of this virus, but obviously I have a lot more time, and I have to be in my house a lot more. So it's the perfect way to get out some fresh podcasts. I call them virus episodes. I think this is virus episode number four now. And it's also a way, as I've said, to kind of like put something out there that's helping. I'm hoping these podcasts are keeping you entertained and making you laugh and smile. And I've got to say, it feels good to be doing something.

I mean, it's tough to be sitting in the shadows all of us and not going to work and not doing things, but it's just where we're at. And I got to say, again, I'm going to talk about the silver lining of this moment we're in life in society. I think it's really healthy in a way. It's unhealthy physically, and my God, we are so sad for the people that have paid. perished and gotten sick, and it's just, it's horrible. It's devastating. But on the other side of the economic pain and the death, I think there's a real positive thing to what's happened here in terms of society. I think people are, you know, it was almost like a much needed time out, a much needed break from the crazy, relentless rat race.

that we're all running in. We're always running here and there to a social function or trying to make some money or going to work or going on a vacation, which in itself can be a lot of work sometimes. This is just forcing us to kind of homestead, right? It's kind of like the way the pioneers used to be. You know, they'd take a wagon out into the country and the government would give them a big plot of land,

and they'd work it, they'd farm it, and they had to deal with it every day, and so they stayed on the land, and their neighbors were 10 miles away, and so they learned to be kind of self-isolated and focus on family and being together and getting to know their neighbors. And that's one thing I've noticed is with this thing we're going through,

you know, here's something that's been different for me. I go out for a walk every day. You know, I live up in the hills, so I've got a challenging walk. I'm up in the Hollywood hills, so I got a lot of inclines and a lot of winding roads and ups and downs. And so I'm being safe. I'm social distancing. When I meet people on the road, we go to opposite sides of the road, and there's not a ton of people walking up in the hills, but there's a enough. And what's interesting is I'm seeing people out walking and I'm meeting. I think I've met almost all of my neighbors in the span of like two, three weeks. Like, these are faceless names and people

that I pass in the car and I never stop to say hi to. But now, like, people are out working in their driveway, like putting their bikes together or fixing their cars or washing their cars or raking their garden. And so when I'm walking around my neighborhood, which by the way, I have never done so extensively, I've walked around a little bit here and there, but I usually go to the gym, right? So I don't usually use walking my neighborhood as my form of primary exercise, but that's changed. Now I go for like a two-mile walk every day. And I'm meeting all these people and stopping and talking at a safe distance, of course. And that's what I'm saying.

It's kind of healthy in a way that people are reconnecting. And I got to say, people have never been friendlier. You know, everyone I pass on the walk, hi, how are you? Good to see you. Hello. Maybe stop for a minute, a few feet apart, six feet apart, and converse a little. Make a joke. Here's one thing I do when I'm walking by myself.

I'll see maybe a family coming at me or something, and they'll be spaced apart, but it'll be like a mom, a dad, some kids with a dog, or maybe it's three or four buddies walking together. And just a light in the mood as they're about 20 feet away, I throw my arms open as wide as I can,

and I just go, hey, hey, hey, how are you? Like, as if I'm going to do a giant hug, and you should see the looks on their face. They're like, wait, what? One guy was even like, And then he caught himself like part way through. He's like, first of all, I don't even know this guy. And second of all, why would I hug someone in the middle of the virus?

So that was, that's one way I'm amusing myself and kind of making other people laugh, strangers that I meet on the roadway. But anyways, yeah, people are really friendly I'm finding, you know? And I don't know if people would be that friendly if it was just another normal day of the week. and I think that's what I'm talking about when I say there's a healthiness to this on one side is I think when we get into these places where we are painted into a corner and we're not just free to go and we start thinking about our mortality as a group you know we all have to think about our mortality as we get older if we get sick

that we've all thought about when we're going to die, how we're going to die, but when you do it as a collective global group where everyone's thinking about that, it creates a real kind of closeness. It's probably kind of, I'll call it the coal miners trapped in the mine syndrome, right? You ever remember these stories where like 40 coal miners are trapped in an underground mine and they've got hardly any food left and drink. And they don't know their fate.

They're trapped like thousands of feet underground, and they don't know if anyone's coming to get them. And so you can imagine that their humanity must come out. Whereas before they were just labor, it's like, morning, Bill, hey, Tom, how you doing, Eddie? And you can imagine down in that dark, bleak cave with just the flashlights on their heads, and they don't know if they're going to be alive in three days.

You can imagine the intimacy that must occur, the sense of spirituality and togetherness that must come out of them. And I think that's where you find the basicness of human beings. It's when their backs are up against it, when they're collectively in peril. I think maybe the best part of being human beings, human comes out because I think there's a reliance on each other. There's a need to feed off of each other's will and spirit and emotion. Hey everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes.

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Harland to check out. That's Harland, H-A-R-L-A-N-D at Adam and Eve.com. This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. I mean, we're still free to kind of walk around and watch TV and go to the grocery store, but imagine if things got tighter, as if you were in that underground mind trapped, and the long arm of death was maybe getting closer and closer. What does that cause you to do? It causes you to get closer and closer to the living breed. thumping heart next to you, the human flesh next to you, the mind, the being, the spirit, the soul of that stranger beside you, down in that cave. You don't even know them, but suddenly

you probably feel closer to them than you felt to someone in your own family, perhaps. And that's the part of society and being human that I think we've erased to a large degree. I think we've eliminated a lot of that, that bond between us and a lot of our electronics and our phones and our busy lifestyles and our politics and our social stances and our causes and our egos and all the rest of it have helped create these walls and barriers between all of us. But then when everything's just stripped away, eating away like a pack of piranhas down to the bone, what do you left with? You're left with another thing, another being standing in front of you with eyes and a mouth and a nose and a mind and an imagination and a heart and a spirit. And that's all

you got you're down in that mine and you look around it's darkness and dripping water and and cave walls and in that cold dank dark depressing environment you've got this this form of flesh and blood with a thinking mind and a functioning set of faculties and a range of emotions that are beyond compare in the natural world compassion, love, sensitivity. I mean, the list is endless, caring. So I think that's the healthy side of what's happening here. I think a lot of that stuff is coming out. And because this is such a monumental thing, my hope is that it stays on us. There's a residue. It doesn't just dissipate after we get the green light that it's okay to go back to normal. I hope this will

rest on people's backs like a blanket. And this moment reminds them and us and me and you of just who and what we are, reminds us of our humanity. And maybe reminds us of just how much we all need each other and how much we're all the same. Doesn't it seem so pointless now when you think the whole world is indoors huddling with their families? Can you even fathom the concept of some guy from the Taliban running outside trying to blow someone up? A bunch of Afghanistan's Al-Qaeda running around, shooting each other. You know, the American military, the British military, the Australian military, the French military,

all flying supersonic jets and bombing and fighting and looking for the next confrontation and China building islands in the South Pacific and filling them up with weaponry. and doesn't it all seem so stupid? Seems so infantile. You know? All the money and time spent into fighting and hating and killing.

And then something like this comes along and you just go, oh, wait a minute. We're all the freaking same here? You know, all that other stuff is just like kind of emotional noise, but at our core we're all freaking the same here. And so maybe it gives you pause and makes you think, well, you know, what in my life is like a war? What is some of the excess and some of the fat in my life that just seems ridiculous now? What can I cut out of the equation? to make my life and other people around me have a better life.

I don't know. That's what I mean, that this is opening up so many channels of thought and feeling. And you sometimes wonder if maybe this was kind of preordained, if this was kind of like the powers to be, whether you believe in God or an energy or a karma or a psyche. or whatever it is. The way this planet is so intricate and the way everything works,

you sometimes wonder if this was all part of the master plan built into the design. Just to make sure that we don't over-rev the engine. Slow everything down. Everyone think. Everyone pause. Everyone take a breath. Reassess and slow down.

spread a little love i'd like to buy the world a home and furnish it with love grow apple trees and honeybees and so white turtle does i like to teach the world to sing with me perfect common i like to buy the world a world to sing with me perfect common I'd like to buy the world a Coke and keep it company. That's the real thing. I like to keep the world to sing. You're very long a deal. And I'd like to buy the world a Coke. And keep it company.

It's the real thing. What the world wants today is. It's the real thing. What the world wants today It's the real thing Yeah I loved that I played that for two reasons One because I thought it kind of summed up

My last little rant about togetherness And unity But also on a sadder, more poignant note I'm on this new I don't know how new it is, but there's this app called TikTok. And if you haven't been on TikTok, it's this app where you can just literally slide through little film clips of people's lives. And one second, it's someone walking their dog.

Next second, it's a guy fishing. Next second, it's a beautiful model in a bikini. Next second, it's a prank. And I was going through it yesterday, and I came across a very sad, but kind of poignant video clip, and I found it interesting that someone would share because it was very personal, but it was a family in a hospital room surrounding their father who was clearly ill. He looked like a guy about in his 60s or something like that. He didn't look super old, and I don't think he had the coronavirus, but according to the hashtag description

below. He was on the last days of his life. And the video clip, it was short, it was only about 30 seconds long, but it just showed this very frail man in a hospital bed with a can of Coke, and he brought it to his mouth, and he took a big, long sip, and he just savored it in his mouth. He didn't swallow it. He could tell he could feel it, that Coke sizzling in his mouth. and then he slowly, slowly swallowed this big gulp of ice-cold Coke out of the can. And then in kind of his hollowed eyes, he lit out this long. Like he just, he savored it. And you could tell it was probably one of the, probably the last Coke he would have in his life.

And it's set at the bottom, very sadly. it said one of dad's final requests, a final Coke, he passed away two days later. Doesn't that just get you in the heart? But it just drove a stake through my heart for so many reasons because it just reminded me of how helpless you are when death comes to the door. Like you can have all these people around you, but when it, when it seeps in, man, You can't stop it. And as a guy who went through it, standing around my mother's bed, when she was succumbing to cancer,

it's just the most lonely and desolate place you can ever be because your loved one is dying. You know why they're dying, and you can't stop the train. And so you see the candle slowly flicker to a stop. And so it was a very poignant video in this time of the coronavirus, and you realize how fleeting life is, but I also realized just how the little things in life, those little things that make a difference to us, the little things that give us fulfillment, that means something to us, that bring us joy. And they can be so insignificant. It could be something you do a million times in your life.

And this gentleman probably sipped Coke a million times. But right at the end of his road, he knew that he wanted one last sip of ice cold Coke. Oh, it was heartbreaking. But there was something beautiful about it, too, that at least he got the chance to go out and have that moment. And just the look on his face where he, you could tell he was reveling in that moment. in that sip, such a simple act, swallowing a mouthful of ice-cold coke, but you could just see him absorbing that moment, like it meant the world to him, and that he knew it would probably not happen again. And two days later, he was gone. So, and the other really thing that hit

home with me is that's been one of my joys in life is coke. You know, I've never really had an addictive personality to anything, but I love Coca-Cola. Oh my God, do I love it? And so I always kind of pictured myself in that moment where I met the end of the road of sipping a Coke. And so when I watched this video, I was like, oh my God, it was almost like a Christmas carol where one of the ghosts of the Christmas Carol had brought me to watch myself. And it was very impactful to me. It was very mortifying in a way. But I also have the sense to know that you can't stop it.

And I guess I've been keen to death's approach since I was a little boy. I've always had kind of this relationship with death. Like I've always kind of known it was out there. And I guess for that reason, and maybe I haven't feared it, or maybe I've feared it so much that I don't fear it. I've led a life where I've kind of tried to live a very big, full life because I wanted to kind of cheat death at its own game and go, okay, so what? You finally showed up?

Well, too bad, buddy, because I did just about everything I wanted to do in life, which is actually true. I'm one of these people, and I don't know how you are or how you feel, and I hope you're the same way, but I feel like I've done almost everything in life that I, as a little boy, thought I would do or imagined I could do. I mean, there's still a lot more I want to do, but most of the big things, I'm like, wow, I did it.

And so when death comes to get me, I'm going to suck my last mouthful of Coke and go, okay, I'm ready. I had a great ride. And even though you're ending it, you didn't stop me from doing anything I wanted to do. And maybe that's an interesting message here, too, as we talk about all this. And we're going to get to some comedy, trust me, but this is a very bleak moment in our history. But maybe the whole Coke thing is symbolic, and the things I just said are symbolic of all of our lives, where we have to look inside and go, man, did I do all the things I wanted to do?

Did I do half the things I wanted to do? Did I do even 10 of the things I really wanted to do? You know, I always wanted to go to Africa. I always wanted to have a threesome. I always wanted to make a million dollars. You know, whatever your list is. I don't know what your list is. I'm just throwing stuff out there, but did you do it?

you doing it? Are you going to do it? Maybe this is the time to recalibrate, shift gears. Think about that little thing that you want at the end of the road on your death bad. Is it going to be something as simple as a Coke, or are you going to be like, somebody bringing a tractor? I've always wanted to drive a tractor. Can we get a tractor in this? hotel room. And by the way, I want two girls in bikinis on that tractor, because there's another thing I want to do. Right?

So maybe that's another part of this to remind us to live life, man. Live it, well, you got it. And I know I just played it, but I think out of respect, out of this stranger, I don't know this man. And I don't know. who his family is, but I saw them on TikTok, and I want to say, rest in peace to your father, and as a tribute to him and to all of us, to love and life and laughter and living and togetherness, I'm going to play it one more time. Here it is. I'd like to buy the world of Coke,

especially for that dear man who passed away. I'd like to buy the world a home And furnish it with love Grow apple trees and honeybees And so white turtle does I like to teach the world to sing with me Perfect harmony I like to buy the world a folk

And keep it company That's the real I like to teach the world to sing. You're a good holiday and I'd like to buy the world a coat and keep it in company. It's the real thing. What the world wants today is the real thing. It's the real thing.

What the world wants today. It's the real thing. love that. So listen, as we've been talking here, you know, we've been talking about the unity and togetherness, the coming together of people. And unfortunately, we're in a time and maybe entering into a time where we can't get that close to people. And we have to ask ourselves, how is that going to affect our social lives? How is that going to affect our coming together as a community, as friends as you know social uh social gatherings and uh most of all dating and uh so we have on the line he's he's ready to go right roger good roger says he's ready to go this guy ed halliday and he's a he creates

app he's an app creator and he has created a new app to help us a deal with social distancing, which I think is brilliant. I mean, that's something that we really need to look at, and it sounds like this guy's ahead of the curve. So let's get Ed Halliday on the line, app developer, and see what his offering is as we enter into this new phase of socializing. Hello, Ed. Are you there, sir? Hello, Harlan. How are you? Hey, there you are. Great. We're doing Great, sir. Thank you for taking the time to talk with us during this tough thing we're all going through. Oh, boy, it is tough. It is tough. We're all feeling it to everybody across the country and across the globe from, you know, Australia all the way over to Alaska. This thing is kicking us in the ass, isn't it?

It sure is, Ed, and we're excited to hear that you've been in the background during this developing an app. that's going to assist with this kind of our new way of life. Well, you know, I'm one of these guys. I kind of look forward. I'm a forward thinker, and I love creating apps that help people, that I can make a little money off of, of course, you know, and also serve a vital role in our society. Well, that's, of course, that's fair.

You put in the work. You deserve to make a little buck there. there. That's right, Ed. I feel that my new app is really, really going to kind of set the tone for society as we move forward. Well, tell us about your app. Is this a dating app type of thing? Well, actually, it's, well, I'm glad you mentioned the dating apps, Mr. Williams, because, you know, they're going to be a real problem as we go forward, a real dilemma. How do you mean, Ed? Well, I mean, you've got all these dating acts, you got your bumbles, you got your tinders, you got

your rias, you got your bucket of fish, you got match, you know, match.com, farmers, I don't know what they are, but there's a plethora of these dating apps out there. Yeah, I have a number of friends who are on them and have actually been

successful with them. Yeah, well, those days are over, I'll tell you that, but we can't afford for people to be randomly meeting up to just flick through their phone and saying, hey, how about I meet you down at the coffee shop in an hour? You know, that ain't going to happen anymore. Wow.

Well, I didn't really think of it that way. Maybe you've got a point there. Oh, I've got a point, all right. I mean, think of it. Random people, you don't know their history. You see a picture of them on your phone. You know, they tell you they went to school, and they like watching Netflix, and they like to, you know, go to movies or whatever the hell they do in life.

You don't know their family history. You don't know where they've traveled. And then what, half an hour later, you're over at Starbucks having a grand mokelet with, you know, Carlita from Boston? I mean, who the hell's Carlita? Where's she been? Well, okay. Yeah, you're running and taking a chance, I guess.

Oh, baby, you're taking a big chance. And you don't know if this Carlita or whatever their name is is crawling with fungus or typhoid. They could have Zika, Ebola, SARS. They could have this, you know, crawling with Corona, like a dollop of jelly with ants all over it. Well, okay, yeah. If you're going to put it like that, it's kind of creepy. So are you saying you've invented a new dating app? Hell no, Mr. Williams, it's not a dating app.

it's a new app called Gaffam. And I think I'm the first one to coin the phrase here, Mr. Williams. It's a social distancing app. A social distancing app? That's correct, sir. And I think we're the first ones to come up with this. And as I said, it's called Gaffam. It's an app designed to keep people at a distance from each other.

And what we're trying to do. Hold on. Gaffam? what does what does that mean gaffam well those are the call letters of the of the app what do you mean gaffam uh it's it's the letters that stand for get the fuck away from me sir that's the name of the app get the fuck away from me and sir wait a minute are you telling me you've created an app called get the fuck away from me well we call it gaffam you know so it's not so abrasive it's not It's not so crude, but in essence, that's what it is.

Get the fuck away from me. Sir, hold on now. How would an app like that even work? Well, the technology's fairly advanced, and it's quite a genius. I have a big team that's been working on this with me. We've got technicians from MIT. We've even got a few guys. We pulled away from Apple and a real crack squad of technology wizards.

Well, I'm not going to say. say it, but get the F away from me. Get the fuck away from me. Sir, if you could just... Well, I think we got it. Well, I want to make sure, you know, I'm on this show to, you know, kind of make the world aware of it. I'm trying to endorse my app, and so I'm not doing anyone any favors if I don't say,

get the fuck away from me. Sir, okay, thank you. Okay, so GFAM... Get the fuck away from me? Yes. Sir, how does this app work exactly? Well, it's technologically driven, and of course, like all apps, you download it into your phone, Mr. Williams, and it installs, and it's free. It's a free app like most apps are.

Okay, but it sounds like you put a lot of work into this app. Don't you have to monetize it? I'll get to that, Mr. Williams, but let me tell you the fundamentals of how this app works. Okay, fair enough. So what you download it for free, and the technology we've put into this phone is once you download this app, your phone now has the ability to pick up on any movement within a two-mile radius. So if you're walking anywhere within two miles, the phone has infrared sensors in it, so they interpret movement. So kind of like, let's say like these lights, you know, some people have lights over their garage or at their back door at night. If somebody walks within 20 feet of the light, the light goes on in the darkness.

Bingo, exactly. And if they get in within 20 feet of you, you can say, your phone will say, get the fuck away from me. Wait, what, the phone talks? Well, of course, all our phones can talk. You've got Siri in your phone. You've got Google Voice. So basically, once you download our app, our infrared signal, and also, by the way, Mr. Williams, it's speech activated.

So if someone's 20 feet away from you and they yell your name or they yell a greeting, basically, you know, the phone will be activated. Wait, so someone yells your name. Let's say someone goes, hey, Mr. Williams, that will bounce into the phone's receptors. The phone will pick it up within a millisecond, and almost as soon as the person throws out that greeting, hey, Mr. Williams, your phone will respond and say, get the fuck away from me. Well, wait a minute. That sounds a little crude, sir. Well, you know, we're living in dangerous times.

Well, couldn't it say something nicer in a nicer tone? You know what, before you get all judgmental of it, would you like to hear a sample of it? I've got someone in the warehouse here, and what I can do is I can kind of let you hear how it sounds. Okay, yes, that would be fantastic. Okay, let's hear that. Okay, Charles, yeah. Go behind the wall and let me go behind the wall, and when I yell, you come out, all right? I'm turning on my phone right now, Mr. Williams.

Okay, so your app is installed. Yes, get the fuck away from me is installed. And you're going to call out one of your co-workers. That's right. Okay, here we go. All right, Charles, come on in. Hey, how you doing, Ed? Get them fuck away from me. I just want to talk, Ed.

Get them fuck away from me. There you go. Did you hear it, Mr. Williams? Yes, I heard it. Okay, thanks, Ed. Get back to work. Yeah. Hello? Yes, we heard. heard it that again i gotta say that was a little abrasive sir well you know mr william can we be

can we be just uh you know realistic here we're talking about life and death there's no time for pleasantries you know my my app's not going to say hello how are you today would you kindly step back and no no we get right to the point we don't want people dying our phones they get the fuck away from me sir Okay, so we get how it works. It's triggered by infrared movement. Your phone can pick it up, the presence of something moving, or it can pick up on speech patterns.

If somebody yells something, the phone is triggered. And while you're moving within a two-mile radiance, it just keeps moving with you. That's correct. So it's always on. It's always in range. So if you move into a new two miles, It's picture a circle around yourself, an invisible circle, and it just travels with you.

It's like an invisible force shield, and, you know, they're just, get the fuck away from me. Wow. Well, you mentioned earlier you can monetize this app, and how do, you said people get it for free. That's correct. It's 100% free. Okay, well, then how do you make money off this? Well, what we have, Mr. Williams, is we have the cuss pack for it. 1299 a month you can get the cuss pack what what is the cuss pack sir well let me

let me play it for you one second uh charles yeah charles give me another one give me another one i'm i'm activated i've activated the cuss pack yeah go ahead call my name hey ed how you doing get the fuck away from me you're smelling dirty piece of shit that You just crawled out from under a log, in the bottom of the swamp, you pus-covered fucking sick piece of shit. What, sir? How do you like that? Not bad, huh? Are you kidding me?

The cuss pack? Do you want to hear another one? No, no, we don't want to hear another one, sir. Give me another one, Charles. Hey, Ed, how you doing? Get the fuck away from me, you slimy, simplest covered. Don't really a soaked fucking pizza garbage floating at the bottom of Sherr's Toilet. What, shares toilet?

Isn't that one great? We always threw in the celebrity thing, and, you know, people love celebrities. Sir, shares, uh, shares toilet? I know. This comes from my creative team here, and, uh, I just love these guys. We're working on a Brad Pitt one where, uh, we haven't put it together yet, but, uh, you're a piece of dog shit on the, shoe of Brad Pitt or something like that.

Oh, my, sir. So, so 1299 for the cuss pack, and then... And then for 2299, you get the international pack. And this one's great because this virus is all over the world, Mr. Williams. So you're going to need it in the future when you're traveling. Wait, how does this go? Well, we've got different nationalities. Charles, come on, let me just click it on.

Let's see. Pick a spot on the planet, Mr. Williams. Well, I don't know. London, perhaps. I mean, Great Britain. Okay, hang on. Let me kick. All right, Charles, give me another one. Hey, how you doing, Ed? And look, Warren, you just fuck off, you fucking piece of garbage. Why, fuck, get the fuck away from me. You stupid piece of scum floating down the top of shit river.

Get the fuck back the fuck off away from me. You dirty piece of fucking garbage. Sir, I got to say... I know, isn't it fantastic? You want to hear another one? No, not really. I really don't. How about Japan?

Ed? Come on, Ed. Let me another one. I got Japan in here. Sir, I'd really rather not. Hold on. Hey, Ed, how you doing? Oh, and Thai, Tonga, Tunga, Tunga, Tunga, Tunga, Tunga, Tunga, Tunga, Tunga, Tunga, Tunga. No, you fuck off guy.

What? You fuck off guy at the... Yeah, my throat's gone. I've been yelling at Ed. We threw a little English on the end. It's kind of like a bilingual, you know, the bonus thing. Sir, okay. This is just...

You want to hear the French one? No, I think we've heard enough. I think this is almost offending people. Hang on, Ed. Give me one more. How you doing it? I mean, Charles, give me one more. Wow, you know it is!

Wow, sir, I don't even think that was French. Well, what do you know? Did you speak French? No. All right, then get the fuck away from me. I'm just kidding, Mr. William. Sir, this is... This is, uh...

Wow. So anyways, we're really busy here, and you're going to be able to get the fuck away from me starting in two days. Just go on your smartphone and go into your app store and type in GFAM and GFAM. GIFAM is the name of the app, and it's the new social distancing app. That's right. It's social distancing, and this is just the world we live in, Mr. Williams. and, uh, it's how we gotta do business nowadays. I still think it's a little crude, Ed.

Well, you know what you can do? Well, what's that, Ed? Get the fuck away from me. Okay, thank you, Ed. Thank you. Go fuck yourself. Thank you very much. Wow.

Oh my God. Is this what we've come to? Are you serious? Get the F away from me. me? That is just something ain't right, man. Is he gone? That is weird. But at the same time, I guess it's just a sign of our times.

Get the fuck away from me, social distancing app. Available in your smartphone in two days, apparently. So, good Lord. I think we'll just end it right there because I'm a little, I don't know. I guess that, that, that almost rattled me more than watching the guy with the drinking his final Coke. Maybe that guy's in a better place if this is where we're at as a world. Yikes. Anyways, let's just try and be good and be safe and be healthy and look out for each other.

and boy oh boy hopefully this thing's cleared up before long and there'll be no more virus podcasts we can get back to just normal everyday stuff but man this is definitely having an effect

so don't forget check out my Patreon dot com backslash Harland Williams site the feedback I've been getting from people on it They're making comments like I was laughing until I was crying and stuff like that. And if you don't think two little dolls can make you laugh, wait till you see these two freaks. I think you're going to be surprised.

Two guys in their underpants. That's it for today. Go out and get a Coke. And until next time, chicken chalmain, baby. I'd like to buy the world. a home and furnish it with love. Grow apple trees and honeybees and so white turtle does. I like to teach the world to sing with me.

Perfect common. I like to buy the world and poke and keep it company. That's the real. I like to teach the world. and pay on a deal and I'd like to buy the world a coat and keep in company. It's the real thing. What the world wants today is the real thing. What the world wants today is the real thing.

What the world wants today is the real thing.