The Harland Highway - VIRUS SPECIAL #5 - Did the Amish have things right this whole time? A member of the Amish community calls the show to discuss.

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

VIRUS SPECIAL #5 - Did the Amish have things right this whole time? A member of the Amish community calls the show to discuss. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Yum, Yum, Yum. It's the Harland Highway Virus Podcast number five. Wow, can you believe it? Yum! Hi, I'm Harland Williams, your host. And speaking of Yum, that's one of the things we're going to talk about on today's Harland Highway Virus Special, is your eating habits. how have they changed or not changed since we've all been quarantined, so to speak. Are you eating less? Are you eating more? Are you eating healthier? Are you eating worse? I'm going to let you know how I'm doing. And we're going to have a big talk about your diet. Also, we're going to talk about the one sector of life that may be laughing all the way through this. The Amish people. The Amish people. The Amish culture, which lives off the land, did they know something we didn't?

Are they laughing? Are they giggling behind the barn doors going, we told you, people? And not only are we going to be talking about the Amish, but we have an Amish gentleman calling in from an Amish community to tell us how things are going amongst the Amish. What's the tone? What's their take on this? So it should be very interesting. Put your helmet on. Put your face mask on. This is the Harland Highway. I have an announcement to me.

You're about to go down the Harland Highway. Lock the door. I don't want to be a product of my environment. Shut up. I want my environment to be a product of me. You're writing down. the Harlan Highway. So, put off the fuck to get off this phone.

I can get you off. Maybe? Maybe not. Maybe fuck yourself. Ha! You're a cantalope. Tie-on. All right, hold tight on the Harlem Highland Highway Show. I'm ashamed, big daddy. That's why I'm a drunk when I'm drunk, I can stand myself.

Keep leading on that tutor, Charlie, and you're going to get a shot in the mouth. I wasn't really sure what was going on. You're listening to Harlan Williams. The rest is bullshit, and you know it. Let's all go to the virus, let's all go to the virus, let's all go to the virus, let's all go to the virus, and have ourselves a snack. Oh my God. Are you guys eating more than you? normally do now that you're sequestered in your homes? Do you find yourself bored and so you're

eating more? Oh my God. So this is my life. I'm like a single guy, right? I'm not a great cook. If I have to, I can cook something decent to survive, but I'm very limited with my cooking. and so my life for the last bachelor number of years has consisted of me waking up and I'll usually buy like a light lunch at some point in my day and then I'll go get some dinner but I basically sometimes I'll have two meals a day sometimes I'll have one but for the most part I go out or I order all the time. It's just what I do.

And it's not because I'm too lazy to cook. I mean, maybe I am, but what it is, I just don't like the fuss, the fuss and the mess, you know? I like to go and get my food, and it's ready to eat. I don't love the concept of chopping up onions and making meat patties and whipping up a sauce and, you know, prepping the food.

and shredding some lettuce and, you know what I mean? God, it's just too much work for me. You know, I don't come home every day and build my house and then go and sleep in it. I come home and my house is already built. And that's the way I approach my food. It's like, have my food. Give me my food.

Okay? And, you know, for years, I've heard from people who don't do what I do. And I was like, oh, my God, that's so unhealthy. It's so unhealthy to eat out all the time. As if somehow food that you don't make yourself is worse than food you make yourself. Like if I make a hamburger at home, somehow that's so much healthier than that. hamburger I have at the restaurant. I don't know. But oh, it's so unhealthy to eat out all the time. Oh, my God. And expensive and all the money you spend. Oh, my God. And I'm like, I'm like, okay. And I used to feel

sort of maybe a tiny fraction guilty about it, but not really. I was like, you know what, scrap that? No, I was more like, screw you. I'll do what I want. But I always heard that from people. And so now that I'm trapped at home, you know, all my life I've had the option. But now that it's kind of restricted, I can't go to restaurants. And they're saying, you got to buy food because the food's going to run out. And you can't, you know, you want to be safe. So now I've been, you know, like everyone else, I've gone out like every week and a half or two weeks.

or whatever and bought a bunch of food. And what's killing me is I think I'm eating twice as much as when I just used to go out and buy my meals. And tell me how that's healthy. When you're eating more than you normally, I've never had to deal with this. So now it's like, oh, geez, I think I'll go get a granola bar. And then, you know, half an hour later,

Oh, a couple of cookies. Oh, I think I'll make some toast. Oh, it's been a half hour since that toast. I guess I'll have myself a bowl of count chocolate to get me through the next half hour there, eh? Maybe I'll wash it down with a mountain dew, and, you know, I'm still thirsty after that giant glass of lemonade I just had there, eh? I mean, good Lord.

Like normally I have an empty fridge and an empty cupboard and I even get heckled by my cleaning lady. You know, I have a cleaning lady that comes and she sometimes pulls open my fridge and my cupboards and just starts laughing. She's like, how are you alive? And I go, I don't know, I'm alive. And what I realized now with all these groceries, and I bought extra groceries, because in case things become apocalyptic, right, if suddenly there's rioting and looting and all that stuff.

So I bought backup groceries. I've got all these non-perishables and boxes of crackers and cans of soup and you name it, man. I'm like everything short of an underground bunker over here. But what I've realized is because I'm restricted to my home and, you know, I go to my office and I work and I do stuff like this and I work on other creative projects and I do work stuff that I have to do. But then you get fidgety and you want to get up out of your chair and you can't really go anywhere. I mean, I go for a long walk every day, but then it's like, so I find myself picking at the food. And I'm like, I normally don't do that. And thank God I'm going for the walks, and I'm, you know, lifting some weights and stuff.

I'm actually keeping my exercise going. And it's kind of keeping me level. But at the same time, I realize I'm eating way more than I normally do, and I don't like it. It's just kind of become this thing to kind of pass the time. And because I'm at home so much, You're kind of sitting there and you're like, oh, and my tummy's calling to me, and I'm getting anxious and rumbunctious, and I'm kind of just sitting here, and I need a distraction, and I bet you're doing the same thing. But what I've realized is not only was my lifestyle healthier when I was getting my meals out somewhere every day, because ultimately I'm eating way less. And I'm probably eating better because, you know, I'm kind of selecting my meal,

whether it be sushi or, you know, fish or even a subway sandwich, which, you know, has lettuce and tomato and veggies in it. Or even Chipotle, if I go that route, you know, you've got chicken and you've got a little bit of rice and you've got the tomato and the cilantro and can get lettuce. and, you know, it's versus, like, eating boxes of Pop-Tarts and cereal and toast and bread and TV dinners and, oh, God. And as far as the economics of all this, okay, let's say I go out and eat twice a day, maybe that adds up to, you know, maybe that's up to like 25 bucks a day maybe if I order from a higher end place you know maybe maybe 60 bucks a day but normally it's probably the lower um versus I'm going in and buying like all this food like you know a hundred and twenty dollars worth of groceries half of it goes wasted Like I'll buy a bunch of bananas and like a thing of strawberries and blueberries and who knows what else.

And I realize I'd have to like eat two bananas every day to keep them from going brown. I got to eat blueberries and fruit every single day before it goes rotten. I got to eat this. I got to eat that. It's like you're racing the clock. You're like a lawnmower cutting grass. grass looking for more grass to cut. And it's just like too much for me, man.

So I figure I've made it this far in life eating out. And I haven't collapsed and died on the sidewalk yet. And, you know, I'm doing good. I'm an active guy. I'm athletic. I get the gym. I play racquetball three times a week very vigorously. I mean, I used to play hockey for 25 years.

And, you know, during all that, I was eating out. I'm not a big fatty, and I'm not in a hospital. But at all I've ever, oh, it's so unhealthy and it's bad for the pocketbook. And I'm like, you know what, thank you, virus, for showing me the errors of their ways. I'm doing just fine, thank you. And I don't need leftovers. I don't need to spend an hour prepping a beef strogan off.

And then you never know how much to make, right? It's like, well, how much do I put in? Do I do a whole pack of beef? If I don't put the whole pack of beef in, then what, I put half of it back in the fridge, and it starts to go rotten, and then I've got a guess. You know, you get that horrible guessing game. go, oh, I bought this, when did I buy this last Thursday?

And let me smell it. Why are the edges of that steak kind of darker than the middle? You're like, it's just like, you know, now you've got this Russian roulette of what's rotten and what's fresh. And it just gets weird. It's messy. It's complicated. And then you end up wasting a bunch of the food. I find when I shop, I throw away more food than I eat half the time.

And so I'm like, when I go to a. restaurant. I usually eat everything. I know what I'm getting. I know what I'm ordering. I pretty much know what the portion size is. Unless I'm at the cheesecake factory, it's pretty rational. You know, you get a fair-sized meal. You go to the cheesecake factory. Your plate could feed a family of Cambodian boat people. And so, and so screw it, man. When this thing's over, to hell with the groceries. I'm going back to the empty cupboard. I'm going back to the empty fridge.

I'm going back to my way. And on top of that, okay, most people can prepare food better than me. I like the way other people cook. You know, you're good at stuff and you're not. I don't think I'm great at cooking. I can make pancakes and the basic stuff, but, you know, I'm not real good at all that stuff

you can get at a restaurant. And so, screw it. I'm going back to my old ways. I'm going back to eating out at restaurants and ordering food in. And I'll tell you what, I think I'm going to be eating better. I think in the long run I'm saving money. I'm not wasting food.

I find, I'm not kidding, when I buy groceries, I find myself throwing at least a quarter of it in the Hey everybody. Who wants to have better sex? No? Yes. Yes. The answer is yes. You always want to have better sex. That's what, you want it to be better, not worse. Trust me. And Adam and Eve is offering 50% off just about any item plus free shipping. And more than that, Adam and Eve wants to make your life easy. They offer discrete shipping as your privacy is a priority. Plus, 100% free shipping on your entire order. Doesn't matter how much you spend or what you buy, all will be packaged and sent discreetly for free and fast. Don't wait. Better Sex is just a click away. That's 50% off, one item, and free shipping. Bring more pleasure and satisfaction into your bedroom. Just go to

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One night I'll make a cauliflower. And then I'll get this pre-packaged salad. That'll be fun. I'll get some dressing. And I guess I should probably get a steak. Throw a steak in there. And oh, some cold cuts and some delicious berries and some melons. And suddenly you're like a farmer's market.

You got all this stuff, and you pack it, you go, oh, boy, look at my fridge, and then, you know, by Wednesday, you're like, ooh, is that, is that milk sour? Is that, those berries, what day did I put those in there? They feel a little mushy, you know what I mean? I don't have to deal with all that anymore. My fridge, I can put a gatorade in there and some apple juice and some bottled water, and then I'm good to go. And then my freezer, maybe I'll put a little treat in there. Maybe I'll have a small little bucket of that mini Hogandas ice cream and maybe a box of White Castle cheeseburger sliders for those late night binges

when I'm out late at the comedy clubs. And I come home and I thought, oh, if I just had a little tiny mini cheeseburger, oh yeah, White Castle, microwave, boom, perfect. So there you go. There's my food rant, and I don't want anyone else telling me that I'm eating unhealthy because I eat out or I order out. I don't want anyone else telling me I'm wasting money? You go sit in your house and fill your mouth

full of weak old meat and mushy berries and semi-curdled milk and lettuce that looks brown, fill your mouth with all that stuff that you buy, just pack it in the big hole under your nose so that I can't hear you give me a hard time about my menu. Thank you. Good night. Waiter. Check please. My, George, I think he's got it.

And speaking of got it, you know who's got it? You know who's had it? You know, who's probably laughing their way through this? Yeah, the Amish people. You know the Amish people? You know, you know those people when you're going through the countryside in Pennsylvania or some small town in the middle of nowhere? And you see like a wagon, a black wagon go by being pulled by a horse.

And you get up beside it and you look inside and it, It looks like something right out of an old movie. It's a guy with a flat, broad-rimmed hat and a woman dressed like a milkmaid. And he's usually got like a long white beard and sideburns. And she's got like soapy, nice, clear skin. And they're just trotting along down a highway. All these modern cars passing them by, electric cars. and diesel trucks and regular cars,

and here's some people still being pulled by one of God's creatures, a horse. No transmission, no battery, no gasoline, just a horse. And a wagon with wagon wheels, of course. Oh, my gosh. And the Amish people live a very humble. lifestyle where they reject for the most part electronics and all the trappings of the modern world and the modern culture that we live in they're more salt of the earth people they're more living off the land people farm people they live a very sheltered life and a very sheltered

community. They don't interface very much with the rest of the world, with the rest of society. They're self-sustaining. They plant and grow their own vegetables. They raise their own cattle. They school their own children. They erect their own buildings. They make their own rules. They have their own kind of religion and government, and yes, they live within the parameters of our counties and our borders, but I'm sure in their mind they don't recognize those. I mean, they do as far as it goes to be civil and obey the laws, but I'm sure they kind of believe in the borders of their God or their religion. and they're a very strict society. They adhere to their own ancient rules where the children must marry within the community.

They can't go outside of the Amish community and marry, as they call the English. That's their term for the average person that isn't an un-a-old. Amish, they call them the English. It's kind of a broad term for all the others that aren't us, the English, they call them. And, you know, we've seen movies and we've seen reality shows and we've heard jokes where people have maybe mocked or ridiculed or been sarcastic or maybe even had it a little good, good-natured fun. Some of it cruel, some of it not, some of it

just kind of innocent and fun. But I think we'd all agree, we kind of all look at that lifestyle as archaic and, you know, kind of out of touch, living in the past, not the thing we would want. You know? Maybe we've kind of scoffed at it or giggled at it or sneered at it or made fun of it. And I guess my point with all this is who's laughing now? Huh? You get the feeling the Amish or all at the barn for, you know, community night at the barn and they're all just,

And now, everybody, let's have a group giggle. He, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, right? I mean, they've got to be laughing now, and I don't mean, you know, they're being mean, but think about it. Here's these people that live in their own little cocoon, their own little world, their own little environment. And while everyone else is running around, emptying the stores, and, by, Buying guns and putting face masks on and getting hand sanitizer and hoarding toilet paper and wondering if their neighbor's going to kill them and where they're going to get their next meal and what are they going to do when the gasoline dries up and when the power goes out and all that stuff,

that the Amish have never given a flying, you know what about? The Amish have just relied on themselves. They've relied on nature. They've relied on God's good, green earth. They've relied on everything the planet provides. They've relied on themselves. And we've done nothing but say, oh, those people are out of touch. Those people are, what planet are they living on?

how can they live this way how can they do that and now you're probably going oh God oh God they were right they were right they're probably sitting back on yep we told you show you know we're so reliant on all our gadgets

and our gasoline and our electric grids and our batteries and our cell phones phones and our fuels and our, oh, I mean, just think of it. Think of it, think of it if things got worse and just one simple thing happened. The power grid went out, okay? Imagine the power grid ran out. You couldn't recharge your batteries eventually on your phones. The internet went down. There's no TV, your heaters and your air conditioning. wouldn't fire up your lights all that stuff uh-oh whoops a daisy um knock knock

hello um mr omish uh do you mind if yeah are you doing a b-and-be um is it possible for me to Airbnb your whole community because it looks like you guys have many candles you've You've got transportation, you've got lots of food, lots of buildings. I mean, is it, can we Airbnb this? And I'm telling you, man, not that they would do this, but I'm just saying this as a figure of speech. Oh boy, who's laughing now? Right? Because even though I don't expect us to cascade into the abyss, the way I just described it,

it certainly is a scenario that could happen. I mean, think of it. We legitimately are seeing the edges of the collapse of our modern society, okay? You know, when you build a sandcastle on the beach and the water starts coming in, and at first it just erodes the little edges, right, of your sandcastle, and little tiny pieces start to fragment off and dissolve into the surf? Right? You're like, oh, the water's not coming in enough to take down my whole grandiose sandcastle. But it is pecking away at the edges. The erosion has begun.

And whether you like to hear it or not, the way our economy's collapsing, the way people are starting to go out of work, the way that they're starting to be shortages, the way that maybe tensions are starting to rise, people are starting to become concerned right now we're still civil the next wave hasn't come in and and lapped against the foundation of our sandcastle but what does the next wave bring does it bring civil unrest does it bring looting does it bring people starting to bend together in gangs Does it include warfare on the street? Doesn't it include clashes of the races? Who knows what that next wave brings? But you have to concede that the first wave has already saturated the edge of this perfect little world we've created.

And there's already a break in the foundation. but not for the Amish. Nope. The Amish are sitting in their living room, chewing on celery, watching the children dance in a circle around a severed boar's head, laughing their asses off, throwing their black hats in the air, churning butter, and having the last laugh.

But you don't need to hear it from me. We have actually, because we've done some research on this, and Roger, by the way, thank you. Roger was able to reach out through a friend of a friend of a friend. He knows someone who lives in a Amish community in Pennsylvania. What's his name, Roger? It's Jedediah. What's the last name?

Crango. Jedediah Crango lives in an Amish community with his family and the rest of the extended family. And we're going to talk to him on the phone. Cue him up, Roger, and we're just going to ask him what life is like inside the Amish community during this crazy academic we're going through. So let's get him on the phone and let's talk to our Amish. guest, Jedediah Krangol. Okay, here we go. Hello, Jedediah!

Roger, is he on? Hello? Hello, Jedediah? Hang on, I... Roger, have we got a bad connection? I hear something. Hello? Hello?

Yes, hello, sir. Jedediah Krangle? Who's this? Yes, sir. This is Harland Williams from the Harland Highway podcast. Thank you for... What? Harland Williams from the Harland Highway podcast.

Thank you for taking our call. Uh, yeah. What is this? What do I have a thing near my mouth here? What a... Hello? Yeah, you're on the phone, Jedediah. What a lot?

You're on the telephone, sir. Did somebody hand you a telephone? Oh, this is a telephone? Yes, sir. You're talking on a, somebody dialed you in with a telephone, correct? That's what they told me, is you? There's something on my hand here. What the hell is it?

No, sir, sir, sir, if you can bring the phone back up to your mouth. What is this thing? Sir, hello, Roger, it's the telephone. Hello. Yeah, yes, sir, just keep it right there at the side of your, is it at the side of your head? Is one at the side of my head? The telephone. What is it?

There's a, are you holding? holding something in your hand, sir. Yeah, what the hell is it? No, no, no, no. Jedediah, Roger, can you please? Roger's just throwing his arms in the air. Jedediah, if you, sir. What, I heard something?

It's me, it's Harland Williams from the... Well, Harlan Wigwams. Williams, Harlem Williams, just don't. Don't move your hand around, sir. What, this hand? Oh, my God. Rod, are you kidding? Is the whole phone call going to be this?

Oh, my God. Roger, what are we going to... Hello, what? My hand. Hello? Yes, Jedediah, just don't move your hand. Okay. Well, I work with my hands a lot,

so if you asked me to not move my hands is not really something that I'm accustomed to. That's okay, sir. Just for the next ten minutes, if you could just keep your hand, there's a thing in your hand. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

The thing in your hand, the thing in your hand, just hold it still against your ear. Oh, like a cob of corn? Pardon me, sir? I said it, cob of corn. Yes, yes, sir. Hold it like a cob of corn whispering in your ear.

Oh, well, why didn't you? She says so. Is this a ghost? Am I talking to a ghost? No, no, this is a phone line, sir. I didn't know. Sounds like I'm hearing a goose to a cob of corn. No, it's the cob of corn is it's a phone cob of corn, sir.

Well, I'm like, okay. Somebody told me I was going to be talking to somebody. Yes, sir, we wanted to ask you about how you're doing first. of all, uh, in your, in your community, the Amish community? Oh, well, we get along just fine. We move at a slow pace, but, uh, we'll move at the Lord's pace. I'll tell you that. We just keep moving along. The Lord points us in a direction and his wind is at our back. Well, that boy, just, just hearing you sum it up like that is very, uh, almost calming and soothing. Well, we have a wonderful existence here in the Amish community, and what's your name?

Harland Williams. Howdy, Wittlets. Harland Williams, sir. Howling winds over, howling winds like... No, no, so you don't have to make wind noises. It's Harland Williams. Oh, okay. Talk about a strange name.

Now, you have a family there that you live with in the community, Jedediah. Is that correct? Yes, I have my beautiful daughter, a Mootsie. What is it, sir? Mootsie. Mootsie. That's right, and then my son, Clunk. Clunk?

That's right. Clunk. and Mootie, and, uh... And, and you have a, you have a wife there, obviously, sir. Oh, you mean pump handle. Who? Pump handle, my wife. Your wife's name is Pump Handel?

Yeah, do you know her? No, I don't know her. Oh, no, sir. Pick up the corn, sir. Pick up the cob of corn. Ah, the corn? Did you say you knew my wife? Uh, no, I don't know, uh, pump handle.

Oh, she's... a fine woman, gave me two wonderful children, Mootsie and Clunk. And is the family assembled with you now, sir? Well, he clunks out in the fields playing with a gourd. Have you ever seen a gourd? You mean like the vegetable? Like the big, like the pumpkin type thing? Oh, him and the other boys are out playing cats with a gourd. And Mootsie's up in her bedroom churning butter. And, you know, she'll be allowed out around midnight

when she's got a nice big brick of butter to offer the community. Okay, so clunks in the field playing with a gourd with his friends. That's right. They throw it around, and, you know, it lets them burn off a little steam. I mean, those boys, you know, they've got to do something to get the blood flowing so that one day their beards can come in. Okay, so they're... throwing around a group, your daughter is churning butter up in her bedroom.

And she'll be there till about midnight when the harvest moon comes up. We'll let her out and she'll offer butter dollops to the community. Well, what does that mean, sir? Well, she'll go door to door before the moon sets and leave a dollop of freshly churned butter on everyone's doorstep. So in the morning they may butter the Lord's bread. Okay, so does she do that every night? Just about every night. There's the off night where we have her make mushroom soup.

Okay, and does your wife, I guess everyone in the community contributes to the well-being of the community, and does your wife provide a service? My wife milks the other men. Pardon me, sir? She milks the other men. so that they may have the Lord's relief. What do you mean milks the other man? Well, have you ever seen a cow or a goat get milked?

Of course. Well, Panhandle didn't get her name for making cheese. I'll tell you that much. You know, sir, I think we'll leave that one alone. Oh, okay, but poor woman's hands are more crooked than a velociraptor at a zucchini festival. I mean, she's got arthritis, and her fingers are getting a little bony. Some of the others have been complaining. The others have been complaining about her milking.

Her hands are calloused, like a, it's almost like she's been building barns for 40 years, and, well, it doesn't feel good. Okay, sir, I think we can move on a little from that. Hello? Yes, sir. Oh, God. No. Jedediah, hello.

Roger, are you sure this is... Hello? Jedediah, yes, sir. So we were talking about you functioning as a community on the peripheral of the rest of modern society. Is that hard for you, people? We'd love to get your perspective. Well, you know, we've been doing it for generations,

and it's just everyday life for us. I mean, we get up very early with the sunrise. We put the children in the classroom, and the women folk teach them about the birds and the bays and the ways of our little world here. And we raise our own crops and vegetables. We tend to our own cattle, and we're God-fearing.

We have our own religious. in our own set of rules we live by religiously and we erect our own buildings and if a neighbor needs a helping hand, if they need to put up a barn, why by God we'll put up a barn for them. Wow, you know, there's something that sounds so simplistic and wholesome about that, that, you know, I'm just going to say it, sometimes it makes me wonder if the rest of us in this crazy rat race world we live in have just got it all wrong. Well, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, howling waters. What is it? Harland Williams, sir.

How do you win a million? What is it? Just call me, Ed. Ed, okay, Ed, and, you know, everyone has been put on God's green earth to fulfill their own destiny. and us here in the Amish community, well, we just want to live and let live is how we approach life. Oh, my God, you know, and I'm sure you're aware of the virus that's going on and... Well, not really. We don't have communications. We don't read newspapers or have televisions, but we did notice when we went into town the other day for supplies, there were some corpses laying in the street.

Corpses in the streets. Yes, blood coming out of their eyes, black, liquid, foaming from their mouths, and their legs curled up like some kind of rotten celery. Their legs were curled up like rotten celery. But it's not our business. We take our wagons into town. We take what we need and we get back inside the gates of our own community. Oh, holy God!

Yes, we actually saw someone running down the street with an axe in the back of their head, and they were on fire. Sir, somebody was running down the street with an axe in the back of their head, and they were on fire? And, you know, we're not here to judge, but what really caught us off, God, is their eyes were completely white, like eggs. They had white eyes. Oh, it was, yeah, and the blood, the blood pouring out of there, as we call it, in the Amish community, the holy hall. The holy hall? Oh, the blood was just pouring out of this poor lads. Holy hole.

He left a trail down the street like a slug riding down the side of one of my romaine lettuce heads. What? What? That sounds kind of like a zombie apocalypse. Call it what you will, but we're here making our soap and making our butter. And the boys are in the field playing with the gourd. And later tonight, we're going to have a family gathering. A family gathering.

Now, what's that like in our community? That's sitting around watching Netflix or... Watching what? Netflix? What did you call me, you son of a... No, Netflix, it's a TV. Forget it, sir. But later tonight, myself and the neighbors, Caranthian, and the other one's on the other side, the Dollyhands,

will all be gathering down in my root cellar, and we're going to be having Caterpillar races. Down in, you have a root cellar? Underneath the house, we have a root cellar with preserves and jellies. vegetables, wrapped meats, and, of course, the boys have been out in the fields collecting caterpillars, and we're going to race them across the floor. It takes about seven hours, but it is exciting. Caterpillar races, sir? Oh, and to the spoils goes the victor.

Oh, so there's a prize? Oh, certainly is. The prize is, you know, get a visit from my wife, Panhandle, and she butters her hand with some of my daughter's freshly churned butter. Now, can you imagine a better prize than that? Wait a minute. You're saying whoever wins the caterpillar races down in your root cellar, I'm almost afraid the winner gets a visit from your wife Panhandle, and her hands. And is slathered in home-churned dairy butter, and... And that's right.

She milks you until the sun comes up. It's just a wonderful thing. We do it every three weeks. And... Wait a minute, sir. This sounds a little obscene. Well, you know, we don't tell you English how to live your life. And we'd ask that you don't infringe on our way of life.

Well, I guess you You have every right to say that, sir Thank you very much I do appreciate you. Hang on, there's something on my ear No, no sir Sir, that It's the cob of corn, sir, sir Hello, yes, hello

Yes, it's me, sir Harland Williams How do you do Till Tom? It's Harland William, sir, you're on a podcast. Oh, we had lots of pods growing in the fields this summer. Oh, my God. We had more peas than you could stuff down a leprechaun's fucking leafy asshole.

Sir, sir, can we ask you a few more questions? I'd like to, but we have a barn raising going on in about five minutes. Jack Flunderclink is having a new barn put up, and the whole community's going to be there. help him lift those timbers high into the good Lord's heavens. And it will be a blessing so that he may raise his own cattle and milk his own goats. Wow. Community togetherness. That's right. Now, if you don't mind, sir, I've got to put this cob of corn down and get back to my family.

We understand Jedediah, and thank you so much for your... Hello? Jedediah? Did he just... I think he just hung up. I don't think he had... Roger, I don't think he had any idea. He's gone.

I don't think he had any idea what was in his hand what he was talking into. This is how simplistic these people are. That was unbelievable. I mean, I honestly feel kind of

foolish now about how naive I was and probably how most of you listeners have been as far as that kind of secretive culture of the Amish people. I mean, here's a guy that thought he was talking into a cob of corn. He had no concept of what a telephone was. Now, I got to say, some of their practices seem a little foreign and outlandish to me. The fact that his wife, did he say her name was Panhandle? Pump handle. God. The idea that his wife goes around the community,

and I think basically is, pardon my crudeness here, but it sounded like she was the community handjob person. It's, in his word, she would do the milkings. Now, I don't want to, uh, interpreted as anything wrong, so I'll say that's what I think it is, but I don't know. His son clunk was, they were playing, it sounds like a game of soccer with a goard out in the fields, and his daughter would churned butter, and what, I mean, you know, it's called self-sustaining. And it really sounds like they didn't need, or need anything else.

Although I am a little worried about the small town there near. It sounded like there was some weird things going on in the town, but maybe we can check in with him again, Roger, because I've got to say we've had a lot of guests on the show. That was quite fascinating to me. This is like a hidden culture that's kind of hiding in plain sight. We've all probably seen an Amish person go by in a wagon or walking the shoulder of the road maybe,

but to actually get inside like that, that was quite revealing to me. As kind of odd as it was, I found it quite fascinating. So I hope you guys enjoyed that interview. We're going to wrap it up here. I want to tell you about another little project that's coming your way from yours truly. This is a project that I've actually. I've actually been working on in the background for about, I don't know, the last seven years, maybe, eight years. And it's very weird.

I've always kind of had this vision that a virus would take out society. So much so that about eight years ago, and by the way, this vision I had started when I was a young boy. I don't know why. We don't know why things come into our heads, but they do. And so I've always had this kind of vision about it. And so as I got older, I thought, man, I want to kind of bring that vision to life. And so I started shooting a little web series called The Australian. And the reason it's called The Australian, because I have this great actor friend who looks like a real badass.

He looks like kind of a tougher version of Vin Diesel. and he's Australian, and I always had this vision of a guy that, you know, rose up out of the ashes after society crumbled from a virus, and this one guy, for whatever reason, was immune to the virus, and he rose up from the ashes, and he was kind of tasked with the responsibility of roaming the wasteland and encountering the Scraglers that had somehow survived, and he was kind of the judge, jury, and executioner of, should he start the human race again? Or should he end it?

Was the human race worthy of a reemergence, or were we just so parasitic and damaging to the planet that it was his duty to eliminate the Scraglers to make sure we never came back? And that's the core of the Australian, this mini-series that I shot. And it's not my comedy stuff, okay? Everyone has a light side and a dark side. And this was my brain getting to interpret my dark side.

And it's really a kind of examination of the human condition when the lights go out, as I mentioned earlier, in the podcast. It was really a kind of a way to examine what human beings, how primal we become, and how violent and how dark we descend when all the trappings that we're used to no longer exist and would become animalistic again, and it's survival of the fittest. And so the Australian is a case study in this, set in this post-apocalyptic viability, world and it's very dark and dramatic and intense and violent and uh each episode is only about like nine or ten or twelve minutes long but they're very intense and i hope you decide

to check it out uh it's on my patreon page uh which is a digital platform i've talked to you guys about it uh on the other podcast uh it's a digital platform where I can put up stuff that I've exclusively created and fans or people that are interested in what I'm doing can join the Patreon page and they can they can look at this select material that that I've put up so if you're interested go to patreon.com backslash Harland Williams and you'll be the first to see the Australian in full disclosure i will be releasing the australian out on youtube in the near future as well just because i felt like it's such a timely um concept you know the concept of a virus that

stops the world and now we're kind of living in a virus that has the potential to stop the world so um but um if you go to my patreon page there's so much more on there i'm going to be putting up other exclusive series we got my comedy series two guys in their underpants i'm releasing other exclusive stuff only on my patreon site so if you want to be uh the first to see the australian my post apocalyptic virus uh live action series join up and uh more than anything i appreciate the support because it's with the support of all you guys that i can fund a lot of these side projects that actually build up in the expense department. So I think we'll leave it right there for today.

Another virus episode of the Harland Highway, who knew that the virus would bring the podcast back to life for a short time, anyhow. But it's something that I'm happy to do. I'm hoping that it, in my own little way, since I can't get out to your homes and deliver food or anything like that, I thought, man, maybe this is a way I can help alleviate some of the tension, add a little levity to a dire situation and help you relax, have some chuckles, have some thoughts, and just kind of a way I hope I can help to a degree. So please be safe Follow the rules Which is something I don't normally say in life But in this situation

Let's all follow the rules So that we can self-preserve And we don't one day come face to face With the barrel of a gun And the Australian standing at the other end Hello So maybe we'll do another one I don't know yet if there'll be a number five

Or wait, this is number five I don't know if there'll be a number six But we'll see how this virus plays out But sure I've enjoyed being here with you cats And that's it Until next time Keep it real in the deal And chicken

Chalman Baby Baby! I will all be gathering down in my root cellar, and we're going to be having Caterpillar races.