The Harland Highway - VIRUS SPECIAL #7 - LIFE COACH Dr. Debbie Timer helps listeners cope with the virus. The GRINCH that stole virus! Harland CURES the VIRUS!

Episode Date: May 6, 2020

LIFE COACH Dr. Debbie Timer helps listeners cope with the virus. The GRINCH that stole virus! Harland CURES the VIRUS! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh my God. What a succulent podcast we have in store. Just succulent. And you'll see why I say succulent later on in the podcast. Welcome to another virus special, Harland Highway podcast. I'm Harlan Williams, and today we're covering some great ground. Dr. Debbie Timer is here. She's a life coach. She's a psychologist. She's a renowned doctor of, you're waiting here. She's one of these people that helps people cope and talks them through their problems. And in today's show, she's going to be addressing problems that are arising from the virus. So stay tuned for Dr. Debbie Timer's life coaching show. Also, I'm going to be talking, comparing the virus to a famous show, we all know, the Grinch that stole Christmas. I'm going to break it down bit by bit and see how, in a way, The Grinch that stole Christmas is a bit of a parallel to what we're all experiencing right now. It's a very deep psychological breakdown.

And then later in the show, Harland Williams, yours truly, believes he has found a cure for the coronavirus. Wait, do you hear this? And also a cure for skin ailments thanks to a very famous megatop rock star. Oh, wait, do you hear this? It's going to be good. Put your helmet on. Here we go. This is the Harland Highway.

What is this? Some kind of a joke or something? Welcome to the Harland Highway. What are you talking about Williams? Son, you got a panty on your head. Shut up and sit down, you big ball fuck. Oh, God, what's happening here? What's happening?

Hey, Harlan, it's shall be. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway. We choose to go to the moon in this decade and do the other thing. Not because they are easy, but because they are hard. That is fantastic. That's wrong with everybody in this crazy place. The Harland Highway.

What is it? The opening. To what? To another dimension. This is Harland Williams. You're a bad man. You're a very bad man. That is fantastic.

Oh boy. Can you feel it? Can you see it? Can you feel it? Can you see it? Can you sense it? What I'm talking about, my friends, is the change in the air, the vibe, the energy, the, the whatever you want to call it. And what I'm talking about is the vibe and the energy of you, of us, the collective human race.

You know, there's a real interesting thing happening. I've been, since this virus has hit, you know, I don't like to sit still. I think sitting still is not healthy to just sit in your house. We can't go to the gym in a lot of places we can't go to the beach or the park. So what I've been doing every day without fail, I think I've missed two days since this whole thing started. I go for like a three-mile walk. all through my neighborhood. I figured out every street in my neighborhood that I didn't know existed.

It's so funny, after all these years, living here all these years, I know every nook and cranny in my neighborhood. But what's real interesting is when I'm out walking, I'm noticing a change in the human spirit, the human collective. I'm noticing people are gravitating towards each other more. They're opening up more. You know, when you walk past people in the street and you can just tell they're kind of guarded and they've got their psychological walls around them,

and they've got their suspicious walls around them, and they've got their scared walls around them, and all the walls we build. and the more I walk through these neighborhoods, not only am I meeting people I never knew existed, not am I physically seeing my neighbors, but I've noticed that like a banana being peeled, that the skin's coming off of everyone,

that hard, cold exterior, that guarded exterior that most of us carry around, that we probably didn't even voluntarily build. But living in the world we live in, and living in the society we live in, it's all part of it. It's all made us into these human beings that are, very cut off from each other there's a loneliness and an isolation even even though we kind of all

pretend to be you know so social we're really not i think our phone social media which is media not not real life it's media it's it's a made-up medium in a digital reality social media has has replaced socializing. And what I've been finding is since I've been out on these walks, I've noticed the longer this thing goes, the more people are out in the streets. The more people are coming together, the more people are stopping to talk.

I even find myself stopping to talk. Usually I'll walk by someone, and I'm always friendly, maybe a quick high or a wave or a nod, but now I kind of purposely find myself stopping and saying a few words and maybe asking a question. And I know for a fact it's because of this, you know, we are social creatures.

We're like lions. If you put us out in the wild, we're like lions and wolves. We need people around. We're not like the leopards and the jaguars that are solitary. We're like the hyenas. We need the clan around us, you know? And it's not a necessity, but, you know, even for introverted people like myself, people who aren't super social and, you know, even people like that,

you start to feel it. You start to feel when all the deals are gone and all the schemes and the meetings and the planning and the money and the trash. Weptings of a modern society don't really mean a whole lot. It all just kind of melts away. It melts away a lot of this exterior crap. And what you're left with when all that stuff, that superficial stuff, drips away like fat dripping off a steak on the barbecue.

What's left standing there is just people. And guess what? But people are all the same. Doesn't matter how high on the chain you are. It doesn't matter where you sit on the totem pole. People are all the same. They have a need, they have many needs to talk, to connect, to communicate, to touch, to interact, to even be in proximity, to exchange energy. And in today's world, you kind of think, oh, we don't know.

need that stuff. I've spent a lifetime, get rid of that stuff. But like I said, when everything kind of starts to fade away, all the stuff that we thought we knew, all the stuff we thought we needed, all the stuff we already have, when it becomes trivial, it doesn't matter what kind of car you drive or who you're having a business dinner with or where you're going for your holiday? What exotic beach you're going to, the resort you were at. Kim Kardashian was sitting at the other table in the same restaurant. Who cares? Isn't it funny when we can't do all that stuff? Isn't it funny how that sense of community starts coming? It's like a big dam has been

built over the years. And behind that dam was community. And now it's like the damn broke open. And all that, that stuff, that old stuff from the 1950s and 60s. You know, good morning, neighbor. How's your son, Jim? How's he doing in college? Come on over later. We'll have a beer over the fence.

You know, that kind of stuff. And so I'm walking around and, you know, I passed some people today. There was a group of guys keeping their social. social distance, but they were playing a little game of, uh, like golf. It was like kind of like, uh, you know, that cornhole whole game where you throw the beanbags, but it was like with golf clubs and little baskets and wiffle balls. And then I came around another corner. And there was probably about 25 people out in the street. It looked like a street party. And they're all respectfully apart from each other. And some of them had masks on. No one was getting too

close, but you could just hear the murmur. I came around, I could hear people talking, you know, that murmur you hear when a group is just having, everyone's having their own conversation. And I was like, wow. And you know what it made me think of? Remember the Grinch that stole Christmas? Remember when he went in at night and he took away all the stuff, all the presents, all the trees, all the lights, all the decorations. He stuffed them all in his bag and he took him to the top of his mountain where his cave is and he looked down and he said, ha ha, I've ruined it for all those who and who's and whoville. I stole, I stole everything they love, everything they want. There'll be no more Christmas. It's gone. I've got it. I've taken it away for

from them. They'll be doomed! And then remember what happened? But this... This sound wasn't sad. What? This sound sounded glad. Every who down in Whoville, the tall and the small, was singing without any presents at all.

He hadn't stopped Christmas from coming. from coming it came somehow or other it came just the same the people had nothing and they assembled in the town square and they held hands and they looked at each other and they they sang they sang beautifully together and from that came their spirit that's all they The human spirit came out, and the Grinch stood up there and looked down, and he was, he was confounded. He was like, wait, why is there joy coming from these people? I've taken their Christmas. And the Grinch, with his Grinch feet, ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling.

How could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. He puzzled and buzzed until his puzzle of a saw. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

So think of, think of the Grinch as, as, uh, the virus. And think of us as the Grinch. We, we've, we've created this world for ourselves or people aren't friendly to each other and they're, they're not happy and they're, they're, they're mean and they're, they're hard and they're competitive, and they're, all those things. And so the Grinch is the virus. He came and he affected all of us. And then all of us were running around acting like Grinches. I don't know how good our hearts were. I don't know if our hearts were in a good place. Maybe selfish, maybe self-centered, maybe conceded, maybe in the wrong place. Maybe some of us didn't even have a heart.

But then suddenly, when the virus came, which is the Grinch and everything was taken away, all us Grinch's, we had that Grinch moment, remember? When the Grinch heard the singing, the virus heard the singing, and all of a sudden, the Grinch's heart, it grew, ten sizes too big. It expanded it in that moment. And what happened then? Well, in Whoville, they say That the Grinch's small heart

Grewed three sizes that day And then The true meaning of Christmas came through And the Grinch found the strength of ten Grinchies Plus two Which is what's happening to us We realized there's There's so much more

that our joy doesn't come from all the trinkets and the trappings and the gifts and the belongings. It comes right out of us. The joy lives within us. It always has. It always will. The human spirit. The joy inside of us. Hey, everybody.

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This is an exclusive offer specific to this podcast. So be sure to use this code Harland so you get your discount and a 100% free shipping. Code Harland. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. And it rose up. And all of our hearts in this coronavirus, maybe that's happening to us. Our hearts are expanding and we're getting reconnected with our hearts.

Our hearts are growing ten times and we're forgetting about all that stuff and all that nonsense and all that BS and we're the BS and we're remembering I'm just me and you're just you and let's just talk and let's just connect and I care about you and you care about me and we're in this together and let's hold hands. Let's sing. Let's sing from our hearts. Let's express the joy. quite so tight. He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light. With a smile in his soul, he descended Mount Crumpet, cheerily blowing hoo-hoo on his trumpet. He rode into Hooville. He brought back their toys. He brought back their floof to the Who girls and boys. He brought back their snoof and their tringlers and fuzzles. Brought back their pantookers, their dafflers and wuzzles. He brought everything. back all the food for the feast, and he, he himself, the Grinch, carved the roast beast. Ha ha! Right? And that's the beauty of what's happening right now. That's the beauty of this

virus. Now, let's not forget people have died and it's been painful and it's been horrible. And it's a tragedy. But humans have always done this. They always look for something good and something bad. Even from world wars, something good comes out of a world war. Things change, things emerge, things shift. And from this, this horrible virus comes a world running on a hamster wheel. that's running so fast and trying to attain so much that it's kind of forgot.

It's lost its perspective. It's forgot about its heart. And this virus made the wheel stop. And it made everyone get off the wheel and look around and hold hands and sing. Welcome, Christmas. Bring your cheer. Cheer to all who's far and near. Christmas Day is in our game.

grasp so long as we have hands to clasp. Christmas Day will always be just as long as we have we. Welcome Christmas while we stand, heart to heart, and hand in hand. Oh, just as long as we have we. Isn't that beautiful? And that's the truth, man. Maybe that's where we're at. something to think about during the virus and something to think about as we carry on through the virus and maybe get back on that hamster wheel or maybe not food for thought courtesy of the Grinch he himself the Grinch carved the roast beast oh yes the roast beast You know, it's a lot of stuff, you know, when you think about the physical side of this and the psychological side of something like this, you've got to ask yourself, which weighs heavier with the average human being? And we're so focused on the physical side of it, the ailments, the getting sick, the possibility of dying, etc., but just as deadly during something like this, when there's a radical,

change when there's when there's um you know something that that threatens us and completely makes us spin our our routine around our lives the psychological damage or the psychological baggage can be overwhelming and uh i thought it would be great to uh bring on a specialist someone who deals with human psychology, a very well-accredited psychologist. She is Dr. Debbie Timer. And, Raj, let's patch through to her segment and let's have her deal with some of the issues, people calling in from all over the country and inquiring how they can cope psychologically through this traumatic pandemic we're going through.

Patch are in, Raj. Hi, I'm Dr. Debbie Timber, and I'm your life coach. I am my baby's mother's sister's daughter, and it's time to get a life, your life. Okay. Excellent. Excellent. Are we good to go? Okay, hi. I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer and welcome. I will be your life coach for the next little while here on the show and we'll be going all across the country taking calls from various towns and cities and places all over coast to coast.

and I understand that we're going through some very troubling times and let's deal with it. Let me help you walk through some of the trauma, some of the questions, some of the uncertainty you're having. It's a heavy load to carry. It's a lot to deal with. So why don't we open up the phone lines? and I, Dr. Debbie Thimer, will help you through this sensitive time we're all dealing with.

Let's take our first call. Let's go to Detroit, and I think we have Charlene. Hello, Charlene. I'm Dr. Debbie Thimer. Hello? Yes, go ahead. Dr. Debbie, is that you? Dr. Debbie? Yes, this is me, Charlene. You're talking to Dr. Debbie Thimer, and I will be your life coach. Oh, yeah. Go ahead. What, did you ever thought or a question? Oh, my goodness, I've never been on the radio before, Dr. Debbie Thimer? That's okay, child. You just go ahead. It's like any other conversation, and we'll talk about what's, on your mind.

Oh, my goodness. Well, Dr. Debbie Thimer. Yes. I wanted to talk about gloves. Yes, gloves. Everybody is wearing gloves right now. It's the right thing to do. Are you wearing protective gloves, child?

Yes, Dr. Debbie. And I've been wearing protective gloves for almost eight years now. Is that good? Oh, my goodness, that well, you know, that's very good. I mean, in a sense, you're ahead of the curve, and the gloves serve a very distinct purpose. They help protect us from spreading bacteria and enzymes and bodily fluids. That's very, a lot of foresight that you had, child. But thank you, Dr. Debbie.

Yes, I've been wearing them all the time. and I wear them at work, and it's really, they're all my hands. Yes, that's exactly where they belong. And tell us what made you sort of do this ahead of the curve child. Why did you wear protective gloves before anyone else? Because of tomatoes? I'm sorry? Tomatoes, Dr. Debbie, Thiber.

Um, what do you, tomato? Did you say tomato's child? Yes, Dr. Debbie Thimer. He, he. Okay, let's curl back the giggling, the incestine giggling, and let's, let's focus on what we're talking about. I just get nervous, Dr. Devon, Tymer. It's okay. Just relax. child let's stop the god the giggling yes dr. thyber now what did you mean you had the protective gloves on over eight years ago you said yes I wear them every day and you said the reason was tomatoes tomatoes that's very curious can you elaborate Lettuce. Shredded lettuce? Onions, black olives, green peppers, spinach. I'm sorry, are you confused, Chattie? We're talking about the virus and wearing the gloves.

I feel like you've gone off on a shopping list. No, Dr. Debbie. I wear the gloves also because of jalapagios. Okay, child, enough for you. the foods. Why do you wear the gloves around these food items? Because I work at Subway.

I'm sorry, child? I work at Subway sandwiches, Dr. Debbie. I'm sorry. And we have to wear gloves because we're touching the food and I also wear them because of cold cuts. I'm sorry.

did you phone in to tell me we're talking about the coronavirus and we're talking about protection and did you call here to tell me you wear rubber gloves because you work at Subway Child? Yes, we have to wear them otherwise I wouldn't want the damn things

on my hands. They make my fingers sweat and I feel like I have webbed hands and I feel like a frog, Dr. Debbie Thimer. Have you ever seen a frog? in a swamp and they make those voices, they go a-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-

child child let's stop the fucking croaking and the fucking giggling are you telling me you called all the way in to talk about you worked at fucking subway

fucking sandwiches you fucking half-brained retard. E, Dr. Debbie, you're yelling at me, Dr. Debbie. Stop the fucking laughing, you cold cut slinging, fucking Swiss cheese, fucking shredded lettuce fucking piling, fucking dildo. Oh, my God, Dr. Debbie, I'm scared. Dr. Debbie.

E! Stop the fucking, get her the fuck off. Let's go to another caller. Fuck you, Dr. Debbie. I'm going to spit your sandwich next time. Fuck off. Next caller, please. Let's go to Clearwater Beach, Florida.

And remember, everybody, we are talking about the coronavirus. And let's stay on topic, shall we? Go ahead. Carl, you're on with Dr. Debbie Thimer. your life coach. Oh, yeah, hello, Dr. Demby. How are you now today? I'm doing good, Carl, and you're calling from the South?

That's right. Well, you know, we got the corona down here. And, you know, I'm just trying to figure this whole thing out. It's got me more turned around than a catfish with rabies on its tinnies. Well, you know, it is confusing. It's a complex situation. were in, Carl, and what did you have to contribute to the conversation tonight? Well, you know, I wanted to know, Dr. Debbie, how long do I have to wear a mask on my face?

Because, you know, I find it very confining, I find it very, I feel closed in, I feel like I'm getting claustrophobic wearing a mask. I understand it. You're not alone in this cause, Carl. many of us feel caged in by the mask it's not something we're used to we're used to having an open face we're used to people seeing our faces well now not so much to me see i'm here's where it bothers me because i i wear the mask all day at work i'm considered an essential worker and then i'm wearing this mask at home and i'm just feeling i feel like i'm trapped inside a well doctor debby

Okay, interesting Well, you don't have to wear the mask all the time And it is just a piece of cloth So even if you do feel unsafe And you want to wear it after work Or around the house I think you just have to get used to the cloth It's just a thin layer of fabric

What the hell are you talking about fiber? I'm sorry, sir Fucking fabric My mask is like solid metal and it's got like a little glass visor in it and it's probably thicker than your sister's buck teeth, I'll tell you that. I'm so, I'm not sure I'm following your mask is what? It's made of reinforced metal and it's got a, it's got a visor in it.

You can stare at the goddamn sun until your fucking toenails turn purple. I, I'm sorry, what kind of mask are we talking about? A welder's mask. I'm a welder. Excuse me? I'm a welder, thyber. I gotta wear a welder's mask at work. And then I wear the goddamn thing home. I can barely see out of my truck window when I'm driving.

I feel like I'm driving in the dark in the middle of the night, even though it's only four in the afternoon, for Christ's sake. I mean... I'm sorry, sir. Are you not familiar with the cloth masks? Hey, a mask's a mask. Tom's are tough. I'm not gonna go out and spend money on a cloth mask

when I already got my welder's mask, wouldn't you dumb? Now, sir, the cloth masks are $2 per mask. I mean, they're not... Easy for you to say you got a full-time job timer with your, you know, DeVry law degree or whatever the hell it is. DeVry, you son of a... Sir, are you telling me you're wearing a God, a fucking welder's mask all day and all... I can't barely sleep in this fucking thing. I roll in.

I roll over a bed. It just about cuts my fucking... nose off, timer. Sir, we're talking about a mat. You know what? Thank you for your call, sir. I don't think you're really understanding what we're talking about here.

Well, maybe you can understand this. Why don't you sit on my welder face mask and I'll blow air straight up your uvula. Okay, you know what? The uvula is in the... Goodbye, sir. Fuck you, timer. Go suck your

divine diploma. Right up your Starfish Hall, you son of a whore. Okay, let's take another call. Does anyone understand how this virus works? Can we please get some... We've got another... Okay, let's go right away to Reno, Nevada, and we've got Candy on the line.

Hi, Dr. Gibby. Hello, John. Candy? Yes, that's right. My name's Candy, and I'm on a ventilator, so... Okay. That's good. You're probably in a bit of a dilapidated physical shape right now, child. Just take deep breaths and we'll try not to keep you on the line too long. I'm sure it's traumatic. It really is, Dr. Debbie. I just wonder, how long do I have to be on this ventilator?

Well, it depends on your condition. How long have you been on the ventilator? Oh, I've been on it since I've not delivered by Amazon. yesterday it's a pretty big box in fact so big i've been able to climb up on top with a with a box cutter and i've been trying to open it excuse me child i'm on top of the ventilator and i'm wondering when the hell of me to get off his ventilator are you telling me you're are you on a ventilator breathing well i'm technically i'm breathing but i'm on the i'm on the ventilator i'm standing on the box and trying to get the goddamn thing open everything Amazon package your stuff so elaborately.

Are you on a goddamn ventilator? I told you I was fiber. You're standing on a ventilator in a box. Yes, I'm on a ventilator. Are you mentally retarded? Why don't you smash your head into a brick wall and dribble your fucking brain a bull's ass? Why don't you stick your fucking ass in a ceiling fan

chop it into salami slices and make yourself an ass sandwich diver. Fuck you, I'm on a ventilator and you can suck my hair clip. What the... Okay, you know, idiot callers. We're done here. Clearly, many of you aren't grasping the virus.

Someone get me a coffee. Go to a commercial. Fucking idiot. Fucking. Mental idiots, dill weeds, fucking fucknards. Fuck me in the hairy glazed donut. Fuck me. Whoa, whoa, oh boy.

Hold on, everybody. Did she hang up, Roger? God. You know, every time I listen to her show, it's kind of bittersweet because she's got such a wealth of knowledge that woman. I mean, she's one of the top in her field for psychiatric care and psychological care. And she just can't seem to get a caller that gets it. I don't know. Maybe it's just, I don't know.

Anyways, thank you, Dr. Debbie Timer, for attempting to counsel us. And be safe out there. Now, how many of you have ever thought about what it would be like when you retire? You know, that day when that day comes when you're like, all right, I'm 65, I'm 67. I've been running hard and fast for a long time. I think I'm just going to stop everything. Well, guess what? If you've been wondering, you don't have to wonder anymore, do you?

Because right now we're all freaking retired. This is what it feels like, you old bastards. Seriously. Have you noticed? Are you starting to think about the long, winding, meandering days where you're not going to work? You're not putting on the suit and tie or the power suit or the power dress? You're not doing the hair. You're not shaving.

You're not grooming. You're not getting in the car. You're not getting your copy. You're not doing your little routine that you do day in and day out for the majority of your life. Uh-huh. Now it just stopped. Now you're doing what retired people do. Let's see.

Well, the sun came up. I think I'll go, maybe I can pick it. some weeds out of the garden, and then, oh, I'll sit down and have a bowl of oatmeal or some raisin brand, and then I'll, ooh, there's probably be good to watch a half hour of the news, and then, oh, oh, I got to water the driveway. I'll get the hose out, and, like, you know, got to wash that sand away, and, oh, maybe I'll, uh, maybe I'm a bit tired after the drive. Well, I'll lay down and have a little nappy poo and then I'll get up and make a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup and then, oh, that crossword looks good today. I mean, yikes. Not many people in life have had this

chance to jump ahead in time. We've got to get back to the future, Marty. Why, Doc? So we can retire. I mean, you're in a unique position right now to know what it feels like. I mean, sure, we've all stopped for a week or two for the Christmas holidays or to go on that vacation to Hawaii. But you know in your head that's just temporary. You know, you know the engine's going to start running again. And even when you're on vacation, even at Christmas, You're still kind of, yeah, I'll be down at the beach in a second, honey. I'm just going to whip off a few emails for four hours. Yeah, you just go have drinks and I'll be right down.

I'm just going to do some Zoom calls and have some board meetings. So even on vacation, are you really on vacation? You know, you're still working. The wheels are still turning. And you're still thinking about everything. You're sending texts and emails before you go to sleep. and you're, yeah, let's go down and get dinner at the nice done. Just give me a half hour to get some emails done and make a couple of calls, baby.

Right? But now, now you just retired at 28. You just retired at 34 at 43 at 51. And here's the real bummer. You're not getting a pension. You're surprised. You're not getting a pension. You're not getting Social Security.

You're not getting nothing, man. You've been retired. No benefits. So you're experiencing a whole granola bar of going back to the future, Marty. You're getting to see what it feels like to be retired. You need to see what it feels like to be retired without any savings? You're getting to see what it feels like to be laid off or fired. You know?

And there's probably two schools of thought. You're probably like, oh, my God, what have I been doing with my life? Why am I running around so hard? Beating my head against the wall for what? So I can get a new Prius and order Netflix? Maybe go to the cheesecake factory with the family three times of year. That's why I do this every day, week in and week out. Year after year, and now my hair is gray, and my back hurts.

So there's that school of thought. Or there's the thought where you're like, oh, my God, this is, this is really nice. This is, I kind of like this. I think I'm going to switch gears. I think I'm going to change things up. I'm going to take this opportunity and make it work for me. isn't it fascinating and and you get to determine oh is is retirement boring is it mundane is it repetitive is it is it is it just like dragsville or have you kind of let the uh the slow pace wrap itself

around you go you know this is more desirable i've got a i've got a figure this thing out, right? And so many of us are probably doing things that we didn't, we don't normally do or we haven't normally done in the past. And one of the things I've started doing, I've mentioned it on my, on the podcast here, I've been going for walks every day. Now, normally I go to the gym, I play racquetball, I work out, so I stay active. I play tennis, you know.

I always make sure I got something going on physical that I'm doing. But the gym's closed down. Nobody wants to play tennis. I don't even know if you're allowed. And then so I go, well, what else can I do to be physical? I don't have one of those stationary bikes, which I'm kind of bummed about because I had one for probably 15 years just sitting there. I used it now and then, but I remember I finally got rid of it about a year and a half ago.

I put it at the end of my driveway, and I knew someone would take it. It was actually a nice bike. But it said, ah, for the amount of time I use it, it's clogging up the living room. Who has a bike in their living room? And so I just got rid of it, and now I'm regretting it. But luckily, I held on to my dumbbells. I had some dumbbells in the garage. So at least they can do a little weightlifting.

But outside of that, you got to do cardio, man. You got to get the old thumper move on, the old heartbeat. right? And so I thought, all right, I'm going to start walking. And so I'm doing these walks. I do like, you know, a mile, two miles, three, usually about three miles a day. And I've only missed two days because it was raining. So I've calculated and I've been marking down. The reason I know it's only two days, I mark down on a calendar every day that I do the walk. Just to confirm I did it. So I can look back and go, what did I do? And I've only missed two days since this whole thing started.

Okay? And I think it was like mid-March. So I calculated, I figure if I'm doing two to three miles a day, and I've been doing it for almost probably a month now, I figure I've walked almost 100 miles possibly. How many of you have, in the last? last 20 years have walked 100 miles. And I'm not talking about outside of what we normally do walking into the mall or walking to work, you know, up the stairs from your car to the house.

Yes, we've walked hundreds of miles just regular walking, but I mean going out of your way to put in miles and to do it, to put in 100 miles in the span of like 25 days. I'm like, damn. You know? And it feels good, and I've gotten to know my neighborhood, like immaculately. I know almost every road now. And one of the things you do on your road is like everything us silly humans do. We get into little patterns, right? And we start to create habits.

It's just the way we are. It doesn't matter what we do, whether we go fishing, whether we go canoeing, whether we go skiing, whether we go to the movie theater. There's always little rituals that we do that are always the same. We always get the same popcorn and drink at the movies. When we go fishing, we always put our tackle box and our fishing rod in the same place, and we use the same lure, and we, you know, there's always something that we repeat. And a lot of this stuff we just find along the way.

And so a couple of things that have happened to me on my walk, They're so silly, but it's just indicative of how silly we are. I kind of like them. One of them involves a major, major rock star. Wait, do you hear this one? Like a world famous rock and roll god. And the other one involves me finding the cure to the coronavirus. So let me start with the coronavirus cure.

So every day on my walk, I live in Los Angeles, so it's sunny, it's, nice. There's a lot of different types of plants. There's succulence. There's cacti. There's all kinds of plants. And both of these stories relate to plants coincidentally. So the first story is how I've figured out how to cure the virus. So every day I go on these walks and there's this one place I walk by and out in front of their house on the curb, they've got an overflow of wild plants growing on their, on their yard. There's these great big bushes, and they're rosemary. You know, rosemary, it's like a spice, it's an herb, whatever you call it. You use it for cooking, and it smells beautiful.

So I recognized it was rosemary, and it's a huge bush, and it kind of grows like a weed, to be honest. And so every day when I walk past the house, I stick my fingers into it, and I nip off a little sprig. I just, like a little segment of the rosemary, probably like the length of your baby finger, okay? And as I'm walking, I snip it off with my fingernails, and I just keep walking, and I bring it up to my nose, and I sniff it. Because it's so beautiful. It's so delightful. You all know how rosemary smells, and I'm not talking about that chick from your grade 10 geography class. Sickos. And so I walk, and, you know, I'll walk for the next segment of my walk for the next, like, half mile or so. Every, like, 20 steps, I'll bring it up to my nose and just, ah, just like inhale right up to my nose. Oh, Rosemary. Oh, it's like fairies swimming around in my brain, right?

It's just so pleasant. And then my imagination, the human brain starts going, oh, wait a minute. what if that's the cure? What if, what if I found, what if just by some stupid, you know how they say a lot of medical miracles just happened by mistake? They're just accidents, you know? I think the guy who tracked the human DNA, it was like a bit of an accident and the man who discovered penicillin. If you read up on how penicillin was discovered, it was, they kind of stumbled upon it. drugs like Viagra were an accident

Viagra was originally a heart treatment pill and they figured out that people testing the drug were getting these incredible erections I mean and so I started thinking wait a minute what if the aroma the fumes coming out of the rosemary

are the cure they somehow they kill the bacteria they kill the virus so you sniff you sniff in the rosemary and that strong smell wafs through your nasal cavity and up into your inner body and whatever the fumes are

and the particles that are attached to the fumes that create the scent because I think if I know my science the reason we smell things is because there's enzymes and chemical traces on everything and those create a scent I believe. I couldn't be wrong, but it doesn't matter. I found the cure for the coronavirus, so I know what I'm talking about, right?

And I thought, what if by sniffing the rosemary, this creates the cure? And just by accident, this idiot on a walk every day. Because he couldn't play racquetball, the history books, the medical journals go, and the cure for the coronavirus was discovered quite by accident. as a simpleton named Harland Williams would go on his daily walks and stumble upon a rosemary bush. Without knowing, without thinking, he would pluck a sprig of the bush and walk along and inhale it deep into his nasal cavity. Unaware that the microbes on the rosemary fumes were assaulting the corona COVID-19 virus cells. Are you kidding?

So this is what I think, and I laugh, and every day I do it, and in my brain, in my imagination, I'm the guy that cured the virus. Okay, so there's one. Now let's get to the major rock star. So here's the other one, okay, and this involves a plant, and in my neighborhood, there lives a huge megagod rock star by the name of Stephen Tyler. The lead singer of Aerosmith. And coincidentally, on my route, I walk by his house every day. I walk past Stephen Tyler's house, okay? The dream on guy.

Every time I look in the mirror, all those lines on my face getting clearer. The past is God in my life. You know, that guy. Here, give me the real one, Roger. Thank you. So I walk past this guy's house, and before I tell you what I do, let me tell you about something on my body.

So each of us have little bumps and bruises and nicks and scars and varicose veins and warts and moles and creases and creases and creases. We've all got little imperfections on our body, right? So, as a guy who's out in the sun and fishing a lot and gardening and doing things, on my forearm, I have a little tiny dry patch that emerged about, I don't know, half a year ago. It's about the size of the head of an average nail, okay? It's like, it's a little round patch, and it's not brown, it's not like, it doesn't look cancerous,

it's just dry. I think it's just like sun damaged. And it's one of those things where every now and then, you know, it just kind of hardens and I peel off the, it's not a red scab because it's not bleeding. It's just like that hardened, calcified skin, you know? And so I peel this little white patch of skin off and then it regenerates and it does the same thing over and over again.

And yes, I was actually planning to go to the dermatologist before this all happened to have her zapping. in and clean it up. Because it's not brown, it's not a mole. I'm not a doctor, but it definitely doesn't seem cancerous, but it is a reoccurring little irritant, right? Not that it irritates me, but it just visually, it's like, okay, I don't want a, I don't want a little dry patch of skin on my forearm. I'm too sexy for that, thank you. Okay, me and Cindy Crawford don't put up with that bullshit. Maybe you do, but me and Cindy don't.

Okay? F you, dry patch. So let's cut back to Stephen Tyler, the Mega God Rockstar. And I hope he doesn't get mad when he hears this, but, you know, like he's listening. But here's what happens. Out in front of his place, he's got, again, growing just out on the edge of the road. are aloe vera plants, aloe plants, right? Because I live in kind of a tropical climate here in California.

And so aloe plants do very well. And they're succulents. They're very juicy on the inside. And they have these long kind of bendy green, like juicy look. And they're not, I don't think they're leaves, but they're kind of these appendages that grow out. They're kind of a weird looking plant. And they're very soft and squishy.

They're almost like a sponge. And when you grab them, when you grab one of these little prongs, you can easily, like, pull them off or snap them off. And so as I'm walking by Stephen Tyler's house, I'm starting to think about the healing properties of the Alavera plant. You know, you always hear about how it's been used by, you know, ancient civilizations, by Native Americans, by all kinds of, cultures and tribal peoples and, you know, through the ages, they've said that they have

healing properties, the juices of the succulent goo, the pasty-like succulent goo inside of an aloe vera plant has been put in shampoos and potions and elixirs and medicines and Count Chocula. I don't know about that one. But at any rate, I started thinking, oh, they say that aloe is a nethera. natural uh natural kind of component that is very good at healing especially the skin and uh and so i even actually asked after the fact i asked my my gardener who's a latino man i asked him if he'd ever used it because not just because he's latino but also because the latinos actually i think have much more of a sense of using things off the land they they they eat many

different varieties of cactus and things like that, stuff that I'm not familiar with coming from Canada. And so I asked him, I said, hey, have you ever used aloe vera to help heal any, like, lesions on your body? He goes, yeah, actually, I have, and it's a very good thing to use if you burn yourself. So I was like, okay, I'm on the right track. But meanwhile, what I was, what I've been doing on my walks is I walk past Stephen Tyler's house and again I hope he doesn't get mad but I reach down as I'm strolling past right underneath the security cameras by the way

so that's why I'm being kind of he probably knows I snap off a little tiny piece and these aloe vera plants again kind of grow like weeds okay so I'm not killing the plant or damaging it or anything. I guess I'm a little bit because I'm snapping off a little segment. And then as I walk past his house, I squeeze the ooze from the aloe vera plant all over my little dry patch. And I thought, you know what, I'm going to do an experiment here.

Instead of going to my dermatologist, why don't I just make like an ancient civilization and a civilization that didn't have dermatologists. They learned to heal from things on the land. Why don't I just, every day, I'll go past and I'll squeeze a little of the aloe juice all over my little nail, head of a nail-sized dry patch. Right, Cindy Crawford, if you're listening? And so I've been doing that,

and I've only been doing it for about, I guess, about five or six days, and I've got to say, the dry patch seems to be like healing up. It seems to be decreasing in size. It doesn't seem to be drying up as quickly as it used to and re-emerging. And so I'm early in my Aerosmith skincare experiment, so I'm going to keep doing it, and I'll report back to you and maybe like I'll do it for like 10 more days and I want to see if this natural healing is going to clear this thing up. So there you go. Nature is providing not only the cure for the Ebola virus with rosemary. It's also curing up my disgusting dry patch on my skin.

So thank you, Mother Nature. But then again, Mother Mother Nature also created the virus. So F you, Mother Nature. And then we'll put those two together and we'll end up somewhere in the middle. Like, you're cool, Mother Nature, but sometimes you're a biotch. Okay? Kind of even it out in the middle there. But I love you.

So I'll let you know. I'll keep you posted. I'll let you know if I ever get the coronavirus. And if I don't, you can thank Rosemary. Start snorting Rosemary. Can you imagine if people took that seriously? Like, I'm really doing this, by the way, but can you imagine if just this stupid podcast, people started,

you know, Harlan's not sick? You know, what have I got to lose? Why don't I sniff some rosemary? In fact, why don't I sniff some nutmeg and some cinnamon? Why don't I just, you know, Kentucky Fried Chicken has 11 herbs and spices? Why don't I just walk around with a chicken breast from KFC and snort that sucker? I want to live!

All right, I've gone too far. It's the aloevara's getting into my brain. It's the rosemary and aloevara's seeped into my system, and I'm going nuts. Although last night it was on the lawn grazing, eating grass and dandelions. No, I wasn't. But anyways, there you go. That's a couple of the weird things that have affected me from our behavioral change, from the virus. These are things that never would have happened had the virus not come

along. So let's go through the list again. Rosemary snorting. Maybe I'm addicted. Maybe I have a problem. And aloe vera rubbing. Okay. Two things that never would have happened had the virus not started. So I don't know. Maybe you want to share some of the behavioral changes you've gone through. I still have my phone lineup. If you go to Harlan Williams.com, you can see a phone number on there, and you can leave a voice message. And maybe you have a couple of funny anecdotes for us. Now, you only get two minutes of phone time before it disconnect. So you're going to have to talk faster than what I've done here.

I've been rambling for 10 minutes. But if you want to share, please go ahead and we'll leave it right there. I think that's a great way to end the show. my rosemary addiction and my gross creepy skin patch right what's her name Cindy Crawford why do I keep referring to her

probably because she's the most beautiful woman on the planet maybe hello all right so we're going to leave it right there everybody please don't forget to check out my Patreon page people have been joining they've been joining Patreon that's Patreon backslash Harland Williams.

Patreon.com backslash Harlan Williams, I should say. And what it is, it's a site where you can join, and it's exclusive Harlan Williams material, videos, podcasts, audiobooks, stories, photos, video. It's stuff you're not going to get anywhere else. It's an exclusive Harlan Williams Club. And believe me, I'm putting some crazy, funny cool stuff up on there people are joining and people are loving it and uh here's the kicker

you can join it and if you don't like it you can just unjoin right away you're you're only locked in for the one month that you join which the lowest rate is five bucks a month and so for five bucks you can go in and watch as much as you want so but i'm hoping you'll you'll love what you see and stay on and the whole idea behind patreon is that you can kind of, you guys kind of helped me out with a little bit of a fee so that I can continue making this crazy stuff because it all adds up and it costs money and time. And so it really helps. And so your support of my creativity hopefully comes back to you tenfold when you get to enjoy it and laugh and think and whatever you want. So I urge you to please at least

check it out and then decide if you want to join or not. Many of you have. Thank you so much for those that have. And it's patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. And take a look. And I really appreciate it. So there you go, gang. I hope you're staying safe.

Be well. Sniff lots of rosemary. Squirt aloeuvre all over yourself. And until next time, chicken chalmayne, baby. Sing for the year Sing for the laugh And sing for the tear Sing a witness

Just for today Maybe tomorrow Good Lord and take you away Sing Whitney Sing for the year Sing for the laugh And sing for the tear Sing a witness

Just for today Maybe tomorrow The good Lord and take away Yeah!