The Harland Highway - VIRUS SPECIAL 8 - New self distancing FASHION. CRAZY reptile news story. The repetition of the lockdown!

Episode Date: May 12, 2020

New self distancing FASHION. CRAZY reptile news story. The repetition of the lockdown! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Oh, hello, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Great to have you here. What a show we have today. Hi, I'm Harland Williams. And today we're going to be covering a lot of ground, air, gas, liquid fuel, whatever. We've got a crazy news story coming up for you that is just ridiculous. It involves a very large lizard. okay. And then also we're going to be talking about the repetition of living in the stay-at-home world that we're in right now. Yeah, the virus is keeping us all at home, and things are starting

to get a little repetitious. And I'm going to be talking about that merry grow round. We're all stuck on. I think it's driving all of us a little bit nuts. And then later in the show, also Yigabal Hasnou calls in. He's our friend from the Middle East, or I think he's from India or somewhere. I've never really asked him, but he's got a brand new look for the face masks we've got to wear. While we're in quarantine and lockdown, you know, we're all wearing these face masks and they're ugly and they're unappealing. Apparently he's come up with a new design. So Igabal Hazanu will be calling in.

It's going to be great. Put your toenail clippers on. This is the Harland Highway. Sit down, strap in, and tighten your diaper. Come on. You're about to go down the Harlan Highway. That means that every woman in this village who is capable of childbirth is going to have a baby. You shit kicking, stinky horseman, horse mull, and mulling.

Motherfucker, you tell me his name! You must tell me his name! This is Harland Williams. Oh, well, my mistake. Ha ha ha. Guess I'll be on my way then. You just made a wrong turn. On to the Harland Highway.

What have you done to it? What have you done to its eyes? All of you. All of you freaks. Heavens to Murgatroyd. Whether you're wearing a pullover or a cardigan, it's the Harland Highway. I have to hang up now. Okay. Okay. Easy on the celebrations.

Let's start the podcast with me asking you this. Do you feel like this right now? Just take a listen and ask yourself, do you feel like this right now? Phil? Hey, Phil? Phil Connors? Phil Cutter's, I thought that was you. Hi, how you doing? Thanks for watching.

Hey, hey. Now, don't you tell me you don't remember me because I sure is heckfire remember you. Not a chance. Ned. Oh, Ned, right? Remember? Remember Ned? The insurance salesman from Groundhog Day?

Remember the movie Groundhog Day? Where you got Bill Murray waking up every day in the same? damn hotel room and reliving the same day over and over and over and over and over again. It's a great movie, by the way. But if you, somebody's texting me. But if you watch the movie, it's just, it's a really classic movie because it's got all those great elements. It's got fantasy. It's got great heart. It's got great comedy.

It's got great message. It's got a love story. It's got a redemption story. It's a coming-of-age story. I mean, it's just there's so many elements. It's hard to watch movies nowadays that are just so gratifying and satisfying on so many levels. It's a really well-crafted movie. and it's very interesting because I was out walking the other day

and I had been thinking this. I'd even said to a few friends, this is like Groundhog Day. And I was out walking the other day, and one of my neighbors, I passed, I go, hey, how are you doing? She goes, oh, it's like Groundhog Day. I'm like, yep. Ryerson. Needle-nose Ned, Ned, the head.

Come on, buddy, Case Western High. Ned Ryerson, I did the whistling belly button trick at the high school talent show. Bing! Ned Ryerson, got the shingles real bad senior year, almost didn't graduate. Bing, again. Ned Ryerson, I dated your sister Mary Pat a couple times until you told me not to anymore. Well? Ned Ryerson?

Bing! Bing! So it's a great scene. It's a scene where Bill Murray's walking down the street, and every day, day, he meets the most annoying kind of loserish guy you could ever meet, a nerdy insurance salesman who doesn't know he's annoying and a loser. And in the initial meeting, which is right here, you know, Bill Murray's sarcastic and rolls his eyes, and he's like, oh, God, what a, what a piece of garbage, what a worthless

human being, what a, you know, he really, he really kind of mocks and dismisses. this guy's very existence. But then every day the guy keeps coming and Bill Murray keeps waking up in this same reality. Every day he keeps bumping into this guy and it's driving him insane. So did you turn pro with that belly button thing, Ned? No, Phil, I sell insurance. What a shock. Do you have life insurance?

Because if you do, you can always use a little more. Am I right or am I right or am I right or am I right? Nett, I would love to stand here and talk with you, but I'm not going to see you. Hey, that's all right. I'll walk with you. You know, whenever I see an opportunity now, I charge it like a bull. Ned, the bull, that's me now. And so poor Bill Murray can't get away from this guy fast enough. I mean, just hearing his voice is like nails on a chalkboard. And this guy doesn't know when to shut up. And he doesn't know when to shut up. He doesn't get it, that he's not wanted. He's one of those socially awkward guys that doesn't get it when people don't like them.

And I think we've all met people like that. And maybe we've all been guilty of being a bit cruel to them and acting the same way Bill Murray is acting in this crazy scene. You know, I got friends of mine who live and die by the actuarial tables. And I say, hey, it's all one big crapshoot. Anywho, tell me, have you ever heard of single premium life? Because I think that really could be the ticket for you. Oh, God! It is so good to see you.

What are you doing for dinner? Something else. It's been great seeing you, Needlehead. Take care. Woo! Watch out for that first step. It's a doozy. And then, of course, Bill Murray sluffs the guy off.

Doesn't want anything to do with him. Doesn't even give him a chance. And as he steps away with this kind of pompous attitude, Bill Murray steps right off the curb into a big puddle of slush up to his shin. And we all know what that's like. It's cold. It's uncomfortable. Now your shoes soaking.

Your foot's freezing. And of course, Ned doesn't have kind of the wherewithal or the social skills to be kind of sympathetic. Instead, he laughs, further instilling what a kind of loser the guy is. He's an insurance salesman that should be concerned about people having accidents, and Bill Murray turns and has an accident right in front of him, and he laughs at him. And so in a way, Bill Murray's not wrong that this guy is someone you want nothing to do with, but in life, we have to learn to be compassionate, and we have to learn to be compassionate, and we have to learn that we're all not cut from the same cloth, and we all have a purpose.

You know, as much as Bill Murray hated to admit it, this guy did serve a purpose. He provided insurance for just what Bill Murray did, accidents. And so one of the most heartwarming things about the movie Ground Dog Day is that as Bill Murray has to meet this guy day after day after day, he goes through a whole range of emotions from being sarcastic to actually punching the guy in the face because he hates him and then by the end

towards the end of the movie when Bill Murray's transformed and he's kind of been able to be introspective and look back at his own behavior he realizes that he's been kind of an asshole to everybody and by the end of the movie

he kind of realizes that everybody has self-worth, everybody has worth, regardless of how awkward or how much of a misfit they are or how they don't kind of, you know, stand up to our rules, what we see as acceptable or normal. And Bill Murray has this epiphany that he realizes, I have to be accepting of everybody, just because they're not like me or they're not the way, says they should be doesn't mean they're not humans with with emotions and feelings and all the rest of the stuff we have and and and this plays out for every human being that bill murray meets along this journey every day he wakes up and meets the same people over and over and he kind of

has to come to this understanding about himself and so it's a really kind of great movie because it dissects, it dissects kind of the human range of good and bad in us. And it's slowly with each day you see, you see the bad and the anger and the hatred, you know, cresting. And then you realize that human beings can't live in that place. Humans can't live on hate mountain. It's just too empty and alone and dark. And so what happens is they start to climb down off the mountain and open up and be compassionate towards all people. And the movie demonstrates this, and it's such a great ride. I mean, if you've never seen Groundhog Day, watch it.

It's just a wonderful movie. I appreciate it more as I got older. I think, you know, I saw it when I was in my 20s when it came out. And so I really wasn't as astute or aware of how, how, being a human and living is like, you know, there's a lot of stuff I'm just like, all right, whatever. But as you get older and you live through some of these beats and you realize that life is long and that things are tough and that we all have crazy personalities and feelings and emotions and beliefs, that

it's hard to maneuver. But somewhere along the line, as you get older, hopefully you get wiser and you learn how to navigate and you realize it's all about give and take with all of us and so if you haven't watched the movie watch it and if you have watched it I recommend you watch it again it's one of those movies where you you laugh you cry you learn and it's just it's an all-round robust film it's you know unlike a lot of movies these days that you just leave the theater empty and go, what did I just spend two hours watching? Groundhog Day delivers. And, you know, interestingly enough, it's, you know, all the emotional stuff of that movie isn't really happening so much during the virus shutdown because I think most of

us don't wake up every day and we're assholes like Bill Murray was in the movie. But what is happening is that repetition of waking up and we're not allowed to go anywhere so it's kind of you wake up, you go to your kitchen, you go water the flowers, you go clean out the garage, you go back to the kitchen, you watch some TV, you go back to it, you know, it's that. So it's very relatable and very applicable

to what we're going through right now. But anyways, check it out, Groundhog Day. It should be on Netflix or any Apple Tee. or whatever you got, and just enjoy it for all the different levels. Watch out for that first step. It's in doozy. Oh, I also got to add before I close the door on Groundhog Day, Bill Murray's acting. I mean, that role required just the perfect amount of sarcasm and dry humor and Bill Murray just Murray just nailed it. I don't know if anyone else could have done the role as immaculately as he

did. Just watch the subtlety of his acting in that movie where he keeps things small and dry and sarcastic, but they still land. They resonate so well and just tonally they're perfect and hilarious. It's just, it's really a masterful performance by Bill Murray. So enjoy Groundhog Day. Let's move on, baby. Oh, mighty ISIS. Isis, dedicated foe of evil, defender of the wake, champion of truth and justice. All right, speaking of mighty, how much mighty longer, how mighty, how mighty much much we, how musty mighty, how mighty, how much longer we, how musty mighty, how mighty, how much longer are we gonna have to wear the, how much, how much longer are we gonna have to wear the, how much. these masks on our faces. Hey, everybody, who wants to have better sex? No? Yes, yes. The answer is yes. You

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so you get your discount and 100% free shipping code Harlan. Have fun. Don't throw your back out. Is this getting annoying? So I think we have someone on the line calling in, right, Roger? Yeah. The gentleman, he's an entrepreneur, and he's come up with a way that covering your mouth can actually be fashionable, he says.

I think none of us really like the look, the bleak look of these mouth coverings. are like blue or white and they're just, they're very kind of unappealing. So this gentleman has said he's come up with a more fashionable way to conceal your mouth.

Let's put him on and see what he's talking about. It's Igabal has news calling in and let's patch him in, Raj. Hello, Igabal. Hello, Hello. Hello.

Hello, Igabal. Hasno. Hello, Mr. Williams. I see, I'm all the Hasnook, call, I have it. Yes, sir, yes, sir. It's great to have you on the show here, and apparently you have a kind of a new configuration for the face mask filter that we're all kind of stuck wearing these days. Well, Mr. Williams, the mask carries covering the mouth, as you know.

And it's very unappealing. The mouth, it looks like you're sucking on a brown sandwich bag or something. Sucking on a sandwich bag? Well, it's a rectangle shape, Mr. Williams, and you put it over your mouth, or it looks like you're, you know, you're sucking on a baby as a diaper or maybe a maxi pad. You're sucking on a maxi pad. What do you mean?

It looks like you have it had a tampax maxi pad over your mouth and your nose and you're breathing in like sucking, sucking the tampon, Mr. Williams. Ew, that's kind of a gross visual, sucking a tampon on your face. Well, this is the appearance we have, Mr. Williams, unfortunately, and so myself, Enigable, has come up with an alternate deformer. of a fashion that can cover you, and, you know, you don't have to all work, you know, like you're soaking on a tampon. Okay, let's get that visual. So what is your alternative to the face mask? Well, Mr. Williams, in my culture, we wear something called the Borerka.

I'm sorry, sir? The Borerka. If you could slow that down, I'm not sure what you're saying, sir. The Borca? The Borca? Yes, Mr. Holmes, the Borriga. Oh, a burka. Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, well, if you could pronounce it correctly, the Borger. Okay, I don't know about the Borca. Well, okay, let me just say it my way and you say it your way, Mr. Lorielielms. Okay, the burka. Burka. Right, Burka. Borka. I'm trying to, it's Berka?

Borka, you son of a... What the fuck? It's a burqa. What the fuck is the wrong with you, Mr. William? Settle down, sir. I'm just, I'm not, I don't have the inflection for the right word. I'll just let you say it. Well, Mr. Williams, you know, if you're going to cover your mouth

and you're trying to filter out the bacteria floating in the airs and things, and things like it. Why not just cover your whole body with a burqa? So you're saying just adopt, that's a Middle Eastern garb, that's a traditional Middle Eastern type of fashion where traditionally women wear a burqa over their whole body and really just leaving a little slit for their eyes, am I correct? Mr. Williams. So you see, my culture was way ahead of the curve. And we feel if you, you know, instead of you wearing the humiliating mask over your mouth and nose and you look like you're, you know, you look like you're going, mining for gold in an underground game or something.

Well, it does look rather silly and... Exactly, but the Borga, it covers everything, and all you have is the eyes. showing Mr. Williams. Okay, so you're covering the whole body, but is that really necessary? Well, Mr. Williams, the humans are, you know, bacteria machines. The human body is always generating enzymes and cells and all kinds of, you know, the bacteria and things like this. And why not just put the whole sack of shit underneath a bag.

underneath a bag. What? Did you just put the whole sack of shit in a bag? Are I being metaphoric, Mr. Williams? I mean, I'm just saying, why not stuff with human beings in the burga, like, you know, shoving a fat boy into a Walmart is a sleeping bag? Well, I don't think putting people in a...

Borka is equivalent to... shoving a fat child in a Walmart sleeping bag. Well, it's almost the same, Mr. Williams, except we cut a little space for the fat boy's eyes so you can look at the buffet or the food or donuts and have you. Yeah, I don't know that North American culture is really going to go with the whole burqa thing. Burka, but anyhow, Mr. Williams,

if you don't change, if you don't adapt to Viburka, There's not a sharpening out there now in the world with the, you know, COVID-19, Mr. Ruella, you know, you're going to die, so you must have to earn the Borca. Yeah, but, you know, outside of just wearing it, it's also, let's not forget, it's a woman's piece of fashion. It's not something that men would traditionally wear. Well, you know, you want to dress like a girly girl, or you want to die? riding in the streets like a dead dog that got hit by a car, Mr. Williams. Wait, so you're saying dress up like a Middle Eastern woman in a burqa? Borka.

Or die? In essence, that's what I'm sorry, Mr. Williams. So I have designed the whole line of burkas for the North America sensibility. Maybe people don't want to go with all black. like we do back home, so I have created a facial line of burqas for the American style, you see? Okay, well, maybe that works. Well, what are some of the designs you have with these new burkas? Borkas.

Jesus Christ, how many times do you have to have to say it, Mr. Rwoldo? It's like a fucking, like a retard. Okay, easy. I'm trying my best here. Well, I mean, Mr. Williams... Can we just get to your designs? What are some of the designs? Well, Mr. Williams, we know the American are like a logos.

They like designer things. They like brands. And so we have the cherry red Coca-Cola burka with red from top to bottom, with their white stripe down the middle, and the Coca-Cola rink. across at the waistline, Mr. Williams. Wait, Coca-Cola. The Americans, they love the Coca-Cola, the soft drink,

one of the most well-known brands in the world, so you have the Coca-Cola Borca. So someone's walking around, they look like a giant bottle of Coke. Exactly, Mr. Williams, except there's a whole, worthy eyes. So it almost looked like you're inside the bottle of Coke looking out. And what could be more enjoyable for a fat American pig who likes to drink coke all day than to actually be coke, the fat fuck? Okay, easy.

We do like our soft drinks here. What else have we got? People love the Walt Disney, Mr. Williams. Yeah, Disney, that's a huge brand. So what do you got there? Well, we have the Mickey Mouse Borka. We have the Donald the Duck and Buck. Borca. We got the, uh, the, uh, what the, the space guy from, uh, what they want to call

the toy story, Mr. Williams. Wait, Buzz, you've got a buzz light ear borka? A borka. You're getting closer, Mr. Williams. Yes, but buzz light year borka and we actually have just as an accessory on the back, the jet pack. What do you tell you? You have a burka with a jet pack on the back? A borka, but yes, you look like. the bud lights here and you have the jet pack on the back and you can put things in the jetpack for a you know a COVID-19 picnic or something like this you can put the hummus in the back or the pita bread or you know whatever you want like this oh okay so buzz light year we got Coca-Cola buzz light year what else well people love it we got the cracker barrel you

Like a cracker barrel, Mr. Lelheims? Cracker, the restaurant? Yes, we got Cracker Barrett logo all up and down the Borca. You just see your eyes, and then from the neck down, you look like a cracker barrel rocking chair, you see? What, the Cracker Barrel, they got the rocking chairs out on the front deck. Right, Mr. Williams. So now you look like an old fucking wooden rocking chair, Borca. We see your eyes, and you look like.

like a pile of stupid sticks, like a, you know, like a fat, retarded scarcromb is the real young. Okay, can we just spice down the language a bit? What else have we got? Well, we got the Burger King. You like a Burger King or chickie, chick-fil-A. Chick-A-and-Burger King? Yeah, we got a burger, you look like a giant breast of a chicken, and we also have a hat, a very flat hat. You see the hats. then the children, they graduate from college, Mr. Williams? Yeah, the flat hats when they go up and accept their degree.

You're correct, Mr. Williams. So we make those orange, the big square hat, look orange like a slice of craft cheese. What, like a cheese slice? Right, and so the burqa, the cheek filet burqa, look like we print a photograph of a breast of a cheese. chicken on the borka from head to toe you look like a chicken breast okay and you've got the hat that looks like a slice of cheese up on the top so now you look like a full uh full uh you know

a chic fillet uh bread chicken breast a sandwich and what about the pickles well you can put the pickles on your eyes mr williams because your eyes are poking through the Oh, slit in the Borca, and you look like a foolish, you know, Chic-fil-A number one. When you go to the drive-to-you-look-like a number one. Okay, well, is this going to work? We tested the chic-fil-A, and outside of a few flock of seagulls coming down and attacking the chic-fil-a-borca, people are loving it.

and we also drip gravy on it, so you smell like the shit fillet. Did you just say shit fillet? I meant the chic fillet. You smell like a dirty piece of chicken that was, you know, laying in a sewer grate. Oh, my God. Okay, so, and then what about the Burger King one?

The Burger King one, you have the Burger King logo, and you have the slit for your eyes, and you look like a whopper with cheese walking down the street with your flip-lops. So it looks very eclectic, very artistic, Mr. Williams. Like art in motion. Like art in motion. Very artistic.

Well, you know, I don't know if this is going to catch on, Igabal, but I'm going to hand it to you for being creative. I don't know that Americans will adopt. the borka. The burka? Yes, that thing. But you know what? Maybe it works. Maybe it's the alternative people need. And lastly, Mr. Williams, because we know the American people, very sexualized society. Okay, yeah, we were sexualized. I agree with that. We have the Charles Bronson, the Dildo Borca. Charles Bronson, the actor?

Right, from Death Vish. And, you know, we wanted to take an American tough guy and sexualized. So we have the Charles Bronson Dildo Borca. The Charles Bronson Dildo Burka. Borka, yeah. What we did, I'm afraid to hear this one, Igabal. What we did is we took a photograph, we have found a photograph on an obscure website on the dark internet, you know this? Well, okay.

And we got a picture of Charles Bronson's deathfish penis, a big veiny, just a monster. It's like it looks like the Loch Ness monster screaming at the moon, all the veins coming out of his neck and just... All right, we don't need all the descriptive stuff, Gagabal. And so now you have a borka, it's a fleshy pink, a beautiful, vibrant fleshy pink, and the top, on the top you have the slit for the eyes, and right above the eyes you have the Charles Bronson and a mushroom cap. Well, oh my God, so you're telling me, and the wonderful thing, this is the one borka where the flip-flops,

your sandals are covered at the feet. Most of the borkas, you can see the feet sticking. out at the bottom of the Borca. So why are the feet covered on this one, and how are they covered? Because at the feet of the Charles Bronson Dildo Borca, we have Charles Bonson's nutbag. So you have a volleyball over each foot. Are you telling me Charles Bronson's balls are hanging over the feet? On the borka.

So you have the mushroom cap at the top of the Charles Bronson, the Dildo Borka. You've got the eyes sticking out. So now it's like, you know, it's like a penis with eyes. It's quite spectacular, Mr. Williams. And then you have the long, veiny shaft, go all the way down, and you keep your feet warm as Charles Bronson's balls sits on top of your feet, almost like your feet are being teabagged by tough guy, Charles Bronson, the Deathfish guy. Yeah, the Death, okay, you know, I don't know that this is really going to work.

I think we've kind of heard enough about that. Well, I'd like to tell you lastly, Mr. Williams, about the Ferra Foset Vagina Borka. Now, the clip is hanging right over the eyes. No, we don't want to hear the Farah Fawcett. It's called the Charles Angels, Charlie's Angels, Virgina Borg. No, we don't want to hear it. Thank you, sir.

Thank you, Igabal. Well, then go eat a falafel with your fucking hairy ass cheeks, Pig. Why do I get yelled at at the end? He's starting to get these burt, the Farah Fawcett, Vagina Burka, and I get, I'm the pig. God, I can't catch a break with these guys. So there you go.

Is he gone? Wow. Okay, let's just move on to something a little less. I don't even know what that was. I don't think it's going to work. I didn't want to say it to him, but I'm saying, I don't think it's going to work. Eish.

Let's move to something really cool. This is a, we're going to do a giveaway. Can you believe it? This might be the, this would be the first time we've ever done this in all the years of the Harland Highway podcast where we're going to do the first giveaway ever. So here's what it is that we're giving away. As you may or may not know, a lot of times, when I have some spare time, I create t-shirts.

What I do is I draw on on t-shirts with sharpies. I use my art skills or my artistic ability, if you can call it that. And I draw these one-of-a-kind t-shirts where I get colored sharpies. And I just kind of go with whatever's in my head. And I draw right on the t-shirts. There's no preliminary sketch. There's no thinking of ideas. I just start drawing and let it come out.

So it's a one-of-a-kind, one-off, original piece of artwork on a white t-shirt. And so what I do is I draw these and I put them on my website. I don't have time to do a lot of them. But when I do have time, I draw them. I put them on my website and I usually sell them for $65. Sounds expensive, but A, they're a lot of work, and B, they're like an original piece of art. So if I were to do the same drawing on a canvas or paint it or do it on, you know,

illustration board and frame it, it would probably be hundreds of dollars, if not thousands, right? So I do them on the shirts, and you can wear them around, and nobody else has a shirt like this. So in the world of name brands and designers stuff, where everyone, seems to wear the same logo and same style, you can proudly walk around with one of your own Harland Williams' original one-of-a-kind hand-drawn shirts. But here's the deal. So a very generous fan of mine who appreciates what I do, my podcast and my videos and I guess my artwork and whatever. She didn't want her name mentioned, so I won't mention it, but from the goodness of her heart, I had posted some of my new t-shirts in my

store and put them up for sale. And she bought a couple of them. And when I went to ship them, she sent an email to my store and said, you know what? Considering what we're going through and, you know, times are tough and people are hurting, she goes, what I'd like to do is donate the shirts and give them to someone else, someone else who would appreciate them. And so I was thinking, oh, my God, first of all, how wonderfully generous. And I'll tell you where she's from. She's from Australia. So that's all I'm going to say, out of respect for her wanting anonymity.

But, you know, we've always loved Australians. I know I have. Canadians and Americans have always just loved the Australians. They're just such hearty and fun, nice people. I've been to Australia many times. And so it doesn't surprise me that someone from Australia is so generous and kind-hearted like this. And it's heartwarming to know that these shirts are sort of expensive. And she bought them and said, you know what?

Give them to someone else. And so I thought, you know, what I'll do? And first of all, thank you so much for that. What a wonderful gesture. mystery woman. I can't say her name, but Australian mystery woman. Thanks for the lovely jest, you love. Good on you, mate. So what I've decided to do is I'm going to do a thing where we're going to give them away. And here's how we're going to do it. I was thinking, how can I do this? And I was thinking, why don't we do this? I will ask people to call the

Harland Highway Hotline, and they can either leave a quick story. You only have two minutes because the voice message only lasts for two minutes. So if you ramble too long, you'll get cut off, and you'll lose your chance at the shirts. So if you can, within two minutes, tell me and the audience here why you think you deserve the shirts, or if that feels too pandering and you don't want to do that, and maybe you don't even think you deserve the shirts, maybe tell a joke or a story or a quick little funny joke or a funny story or a knock knock joke or maybe you do want to say why you want the shirts or why you feel you need them or deserve them and however you want to do it you can you can sing me a song why you want the shirts you can do

whatever you want be creative and uh and then all kind of decide which one i like the best and don't be offended if you're not picked but you know somebody he's got to win. So let's just see what happens. And I'll leave the line open for two weeks, starting from the point you hear this podcast. I'll leave the line open for two weeks. And here's the number 323-739-43-43-3-3-3-3. And if you can't remember this number, go to Harlandwiliams.com and the numbers right there on the homepage at the bottom. 323-739, 43330, leave me a voicemail. Let me know why you deserve the shirts.

And remember, there's only two of them. And I will play the winners on the podcast. Okay, I will play their message on the podcast so people can hear why I thought it was a great message and why they deserve to win. So there you go. A beautiful gesture, a $65, one of a kind. Harland Williams hand-drawn t-shirt. I believe the shirts are large to extra large.

So if you're a small person, well, you know, it doesn't matter. If you're a small person and you want the shirt, maybe you can pay it forward and give it to someone who's bigger than you. I don't know. We won't discriminate. You can be whatever size you want. So in two weeks, once you hear this podcast from the time I post it, we'll let you have two weeks to leave a message.

remember two minutes max on the message sometimes if messages are too long i lose interest and i get bored so don't don't you know it's probably better short and sweet or somewhere in the middle but it's up to you maybe you get carried away with a a long dramatic story that breaks my heart and i'm like oh my god gotta have the shirt um so that being said uh look forward to it thank you again and just just for the record, as generous as this was, I don't want to encourage people to buy the shirts up and do the same thing. Because as nice as this gesture is, I'm going to do this as a one-off thing, but I wouldn't want people to keep doing that because if we keep just buying the shirts to give them away, you know, you might have hardcore Harlan fans out there somewhere who really

wanted a Harlan shirt and now they're not able to get them because they're being snapped up and be given away. So I love the gesture, but let's make this a one-time kind of thing and we'll have some fun with it. And someone will get two beautiful shirts with much deep, great thanks to our mystery woman out there in Oz. I won't say if she's from Perth, or from Melbourne, or Sydney.

I won't say if she's from the outback. Maybe she's even from Wolf Creek, mate. Maybe she's from that crazy place, Wolf Creek. I'm not going to say. But great stuff. And so last time with the phone number, 323-739-4330, let's see if you win the Harland-William shirt. And just for the record, it's only one shirt per person. So if you win, you only get one shirt.

Okay, two people get to win, and I'm not going to give two shirts to the same person, okay? Let's be fair. Let's spread the wealth here. So one shirt per winner, and look forward to your calls. 323-739-4-330, Mike. The Harland Highway. Crazy news story. That's weird.

That's strange. Oh, gosh. Here we go. Here's a crazy news story. You ready for the headline? Yikes. Woman killed by alligator after doing clients nails during lockdown in South Carolina. Oh, that's just, that's a sad one right away. You know, you're a nail expert, first of all, and you get eaten by something. with some of the ugliest nails. I mean, have you ever seen alligators' nails? They're big and they're long and they're black. I mean, that's just the worst irony of all. You're a nail. You make people's nails look nice for a living.

And a critter with some of the ugliest nails alive decides to eat you. So let's get into this. A woman who was visiting a client for an in-home nail appointment during lock. in South Carolina was attacked and killed by an alligator in South Carolina, according to police. Cynthia Covert 58 drowned Friday, after an alligator repeatedly pulled her into a pond, according to a report from the sheriff. Her death has been ruled an accident. Wait a minute.

That ain't no accident. that alligator didn't accidentally pull her down and eat her. That was, that's pre-meditated. If I'm the alligator, I'm like, hey, look at the idiot standing on shore, getting close to me. I'm going to have that idiot for lunch. And I hope it's a nail salon person. So that's no accident on the alligator's side. Quote, this unfortunate tragedy reminds citizens to be alert and cautious around our low country wildlife.

The sheriff urges the public to enjoy the outdoors safely and responsibly. Well, it's easy to say, you know, like 19-foot alligators hide underwater with just their beady little eyes sticking up out of the moss. It's not like the alligators are standing in front of you doing a tap dance or doing, Hello, my baby, hello, my darling, I want to eat your head. These guys are stealth bombers, man. You don't know they're there. So, of course, we want to be safe and responsible, but how do you do that to the invisible enemy?

Barbara Howell said covert came to her home to do her nails with a glass of wine and was, quote, acting strange. Although Governor Henry McMaster lifted a mandatory stay-at-home order on May 4th, South Carolina's beauty salons must remain closed for now. Oh, what? So one bad alligator eating

and we got to shut it all down? This is the mentality that drives me nuts. So a nail person goes out to the country where someone's home is on the edge of a swamp, They get randomly eaten and ambushed by an alligator because the idiot went too close to the water. Okay, nothing to do with the nail industry. And the government goes, shut the nail industry down, close all the nail shops.

God forbid someone's sitting in the nail chair at a salon and an alligator bursts through the plumbing and eats a customer because, you know, the alligators like the water. I mean, it's just so, no, is anybody thinking? And what's with this? She was acting strange? Was she drunk? What does that mean acting strange?

Covert saw the alligator when she was doing Howell's nails on the porch, and when she was finished, she left the porch to take pictures of the alligator. Howell said she screamed a covert that the alligator had grabbed deer from the spot, and Covert replied, it don't look like a deer, and tried to touch the animal. Because, you know, if you're not getting eaten by alligators and doing nails, you want to be touching dead deer. You know, that's just what you do. If you're not working and you're not getting swallowed, well, why not go out and look for dead deer so you can touch them? The alligator grabbed Covert by the leg and started to pull her into the water.

Howell's husband, William, told the police he heard his wife yelling, went to the porch, and ran down the steps as the gator lunged it covert. Howell said he and a neighbor, Michael Clawson, okay, see, you had to have the word claw in there? Nails, claws. Michael Clawson threw a rope to Covert, and she grabbed it while standing waist deep in the water. Okay. She was only waist deep. I guess I won't do this again, Covert said, in a very calm voice, according to the witness. That just seems a little weird.

You've been pulled into the water by a man-eating alligator. You're only waist deep, so why can't you just walk out? Someone throws you a rope and you go, well, I guess I won't be doing this again. As the pair tried to pull her from the water, the alligator started to roll, and covert, lost her grip on the rope. That's what alligators do. They grab their prey and they roll them. They roll them to rip pieces of

flesh off of their victims. Or they roll them to, you know, pull them under water. Clausen said the, told the police, the alligator took her underwater and she released the rope. I mean, wouldn't you,

the minute you're in the water with, wouldn't you be clamoring to get out, wouldn't you be running. We've all run through the water. It's slow. But she was only waist deep. It's not like she had to swim to shore. She was way steep. Her legs were touching bottom, I'm assuming. She couldn't just run out? Or was the alligator still holding under? I don't know. When sheriff's deputies in the fire department arrived, they saw no movement on the pond, according to the report. Ten or fifteen minutes later,

Covert's body surfaced. Then the alligator pulled her back underwater, but resurfaced a few moments later, and an officer was able to shoot it. Police retrieved the body, which had severe wounds to the left leg. Covert was the third person killed by an alligator in South Carolina in the past four years.

Before those attacks, South Carolina had never recorded a person killed by an alligator so the gators are getting angrier folks but isn't that just horrifying you know i'm joking around of course i feel horrible for this person it's not a what a horrible way to die but isn't it interesting how fleeting it is like you do something so innocent you you head over to do nails okay i'm going to go over to alice's house and do her nails, nowhere in that conversation, was there ever even an inkling of, and I might get consumed by a 400 million-year-old species that's lived as long as the dinosaurs in a swamp? Like, it's just, it doesn't, that's like saying, I'm going to 7-Eleven to get a bag of chips.

Oh, and I hope I don't get attacked by a Siberian tiger and eaten in the park. lot. Like, some things just don't mesh together, aren't supposed to connect, aren't supposed to happen. Here's a lady. She survives like the worst virus we've had in 120 years. She's trying to do something to clear her mind, to distract herself, to be friendly, to have fun, have a little glass of sherry, does some nail painting, some filing, goes to play with a dead deer, and finds herself at the bottom of a swamp getting eaten by a prehistoric giant lizard. Wow. So you know what, folks? Just hold off on getting your nails done. Let them grow. Be safe. And stay off the wine.

Don't, don't get drunk and go looking for dead deer meat. Crazy. Why, George, I think he's got it. Oh, easy. Excuse you. Excuse you. Oh, God. Woo!

Well, I guess we'll leave it right there with the crazy news story. We covered a lot of ground today, didn't we? Uh, so let's, uh, let's end the, uh, podcast right here and right now. Oh, hello, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Phil? Hey, Phil? Phil?

Phil Connors? Oh, hello, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Phil? Hey, Phil. Phil? Phil Connors? Oh, hello, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast.

Phil? Hey, Phil? Phil? Phil Connors? Oh, hello, everybody. Welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. Phil? Phil?

Phil? Okay, I'm not going to do it. I was just kind of making a point about the Ground Dog Day. You see, it's getting to me. Is it getting to you? Oh, yeah, yeah. All right.

So this is now officially the end of the podcast. Thanks for tuning in. Don't forget everybody. Please check out my Patreon site. It's patreon.com backslash Harland Williams. We're putting up all kinds of hilarious videos. It's the only place you can see them. These are videos that I've been working on behind the scenes that are just crazy.

If you think the podcast is crazy, please join up on my Patreon site and get in on the laughter and for whatever reason you don't like it you just jump off you can cancel your subscription it's that easy it's like flicking a light switch I'm hoping you jump on you like it you support and I can keep bringing more and more stuff to you

okay so that's it guys stay safe get your burkas on and uh let's get through this thing okay uh much love be kind to one another and uh until next time with your borka chicken chameen baby borka you son of a what the fuck it's a burqa what the fuck is wrong with you with er William