The Harland Highway - VIRUS SPECIAL #9 - Beeach bum CARL FLAVORS calls in and defies beach closures. Are we living in an ILLUSION? Harland PISSED OFF about ZOOM!

Episode Date: May 17, 2020

Beach bum CARL FLAVORS calls in and defies beach closures. Are we living in an ILLUSION? Harland PISSED OFF about ZOOM! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, how are you? You want to go to the mall today or hang out or go to a movie or go get some flowers or go grab a lunch or a coffee? Yeah, you don't hear that anymore, do you? But you do hear this. Hey, welcome to the Harland Highway podcast. It's me, Harland Williams, your host an emcee, I guess. Hope you're doing okay. Another virus special to help you pass the time.

I hope you're coping okay. We got a lot to go through today. Oh, my God. We're going to be talking about the future of stand-up comedy and where it's going, and is it even going anywhere? Could stand-up comedy be over? And at the end of the show, I'm going to offer you some stand-up comedy relief. Wait, do you hear that? Also, we're going to be discussing what's going on with all this thing.

As this virus exposed a lot of the illusion of how we live our lives, of the people in charge, of the people who aren't in charge, We're going to talk about all that. Also, the question of the day, yeah, we're going to, we've got a weird one. It's probably something you've done, but it could be the most annoying thing in the world. Also, a piss me off segment where we're talking about people learning how to use their computers to do Zoom calls and a visit with Carl Flavors down at the beach. He's got something going on where he's ignoring the quarantine. So put your mask on. Here we go.

this is the Harlan Highway Sit down, strap in and tighten your diaper You're about to go down the Harlan Highway That means that every woman in this village who is capable of childbirth is going to have a baby You shit kicking, stinky horseman or smelling motherfucker you

Tell me his name! You must tell me his name! This is Harlan William's oh well my mistake ha ha ha guess I'll be on my way then you just made a wrong turn onto the Harland Highway what have you done to it what have you done to its eyes all of you all of you freaks heavens to Mergatroyd whether you're wearing a pullover or a cardigan it's the Harland Highway I have to hang up now Oh, how's your virus going, boys and girls?

How's your little virus going? How's your lockdown? How's your stay-at-home order? How's your... You'll do as we say, or we'll come and take you away. How you feeling? Are you starting to figure it out? Huh?

Do you get it? Are you starting to question it all? Are you starting to wonder who and what's in control? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Welcome to the brand new nation. Come on in and see what's happening. Pay the price.

Get your tickets for the show. Are you all starting to feel it? Are you all starting to feel it? You know that that old standby that we all have? like, oh, it's, the life's just an illusion and all this stuff is, nobody's really in control, and it's all just a big facade. Well, is it just me? Or are you really starting to feel it?

You know, I look around at this virus. I look around at how different countries are handling it. I look around at how different counties are handling, how different states are handling, how different politicians and medical experts are handling it? And do you get the sense that it's just all over the place? One week, you know, this virus is nothing to worry about, and two weeks later it's going to kill four million people,

and then another week later it's only going to kill 40,000 people, and then you don't need to wear the mask, and you don't need to wear the guns, gloves, but now you do, and you can't, first it's you got to stay inside, and then they find out that maybe it's actually safer to be outside, and, oh my God. And China did it this way, and the U.S. is doing it this way, and Sweden's doing it the other way, and certain states opened a few weeks ago, you know, Atlanta, opened up, Georgia. And they're not having any increase in mortality.

There's no, the virus isn't spiking. It's doing just fine, but yet some states are shutting down tighter than a bullfrog's butthole. And then you turn on the telly and you're trying to watch stuff about the virus and then you start seeing stuff about the leaders, the quote-unquote leaders. Of the free world and of the communist world, the unfree world? You see how communists are making doctors and people who speak out about the virus just disappear, handily disappear, their families disappear. And they're allowing the Chinese, we're allowing people to not travel around China via airplane, but they can fly to other parts of the world.

They won't let them land in their own country, but they'd let them fly to other countries knowing that the virus had human-to-human contact, transmission. And then you turn on the TV and you're seeing stuff about our politicians. And you're learning all these things about people that have been unmasked and spying and high-level politicians. you know, that have been infringing on people's rights and spying on them and politicians locking people up for opening their barbershop and who's doing what and when and now and people trying to bend the rule of law and twist the Constitution

and bend it all up and burn it down and destroy it and you're like, what the fuck's going on? Who's in charge here? Who's getting anything right here? All these wacky new rules coming out and trillions and trillions of dollars just being handed out like it grows on trees,

like it doesn't come from anywhere. Well, we gave $2 billion trillion. Let's give another $3 trillion. And while we're still handing that out, let's work on another $4 trillion. And is anyone else just going, wait a minute? What are the rules here? Who's in charge?

What the hell's happening? This is just a great big facade. It's a big illusion. We've all been just going through the motions living in this weird, phony world. Don't be ruined by radio. And sure you're all the minds And sure we've all been Actors in this little play.

Poets and songwriters have written about it for years. Authors and scholars have written about it for years, authors and scholars have written about the the perils of society and the facades and the the illusions and the the non-realities and that it's all just cosmetic and we all play oh yes oh what a deep what a deep thinker oh what a riveting speech oh what an interesting essay what a what a wonderful article in this magazine about, ooh, what's really happening in the world. And we all just kind of pass it off because we know at the end of the day we go home

and it doesn't really affect us. They can write about it all day and life just goes on because we're all cast members in the same play. And we all have our part and we keep on rolling. But now, now, now suddenly, suddenly this virus comes. along and it's like there was an earthquake and all the actors are shaking and they're falling

off the stage and they're falling into the orchestra pit and they're they're scrambling around they're forgetting their lines they don't know what to do anymore they're discombobulated and doesn't it kind of feel like that's what's happening to a degree is it just me am I the only one feeling this? It feels like a lot of things are being exposed, a lot of, I don't know. You start to wonder, what's the line here? What's the line that we cross? Where suddenly we start to go primal.

And people are so confused and misguided and lose their belief in things. all the institutions we've so cleverly built up over the years, the rules of law, the rules of civility, the rules of society. Oh, we've made the most beautiful parameters. But then when you see people at the highest levels, lying and cheating and stealing and deceiving and misguiding people, and just basically not even having the answers,

You know, people you look up to, like, thinking they have the answers. And usually there's something, there's some form of cover or some form of masquerade or camouflage that usually pulls it off. It's like, oh, okay, I don't really buy it, but okay, let's go to the cheesecake factory. But now that things are shutting down, now that things are, do we accept it anymore? Does it become more prevalent? Does it become more obvious? Does it become more glaring? Wow.

So if you think your life is complete confusion because you never win the game. Just remember that it's a grand illusion. It's deep inside we're all the same. I love the echo stuff. But are we all the same? That's what this, this thing's kind of starting to reveal. You watch the news and you watch the way things are breaking down and you start to feel like certain people are.

are outside of the law and certain people are being persecuted unjustly under the law. You just start to wonder what's right, what's wrong, what's the balance here, for God's sake. And you just, you know, during this whole crisis, you kind of see things starting to fray at the edges and come apart at the seams and you're like, oh my God. God, it's all, it's all been a big illusion. It's all been held together with these fantasies and these, these glorious pictures that they've painted and made us all subscribe to and buy into. Oh, my God. It's like we're all at the movie theater.

We're all lining up at the candy counter because we know that's where the food is. Oh, look at the bright lights. Look at the menu with the, the, the big picture of the buttery popcorn and the giant glistening photograph of the ice-cold soft drink with the condensation running down the side and the delicious ice cream pops. And we're all just getting in line, stepping into place, waiting for our turn to go ahead and gobble. That's up, guess what?

The snack bar's out of food. The refrigerator's broken. ice cream melted. The popcorn stopped popping. The soft drink soda wells have run dry. And now we're just standing in the line looking at each other going, what are we supposed to think? Who's going to feed us? What are we standing here for? Excuse me, sir, do you have the answer? I know you're on the other line, but how about you on the other side of me? Do you have the answer? What are we supposed to think? What are we supposed to do? What are we supposed to eat? Where do we stand? Where do we look? What do we do?

What happened to the snack bar? They've been feeding us so perfectly from. Sunday, Sue, we'll stop to ponder. What I dust is fell, we're under. We made the grain and still we wonder. Who the hell we are? Okay, now that I've fully depressed you. Sorry, gang.

You know, I just, I keep it real here at the Harland Highway. You know, I've been having some of these thoughts. I've been seeing. I've been seeing the talking heads on TV, I've been seeing the media, the medical experts, all the people I just described, and I'll tell you, man, everything's just all over the map. So, interesting times. And speaking of watching people on TV, okay, I am getting thoroughly pissed off about something that's happening. Not just on TV, but with us, with people.

You know what, Roger? Let me get into it. Just play the piss me off theme, will you? Because I'm pissed off. Don't piss me off. This is Harland Williams. And you're really pissing me off. Oh, you're starting to piss me off, you little pigless son, bitch.

You pissed me off. Shut up. You're pissing me off. These fucking assholes, this fuck, these fucking assholes, the fuck is their problem, man. Can we introduce, you know, we've introduced this new term, social distancing. This term emerged from this dilemma we're in, from this crisis. You know, new term. So let me throw another new term at you.

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Okay, there's a new term. Angle your face, okay? Have you noticed we've instantly become, because us humans adapt so quickly to our new surroundings and environments, suddenly we're all doing FaceTime and we're doing Skype and we're doing Zoom and we're doing Blue Gene and we're doing Google chat. Suddenly everyone, you know, we can't go see each other. So now suddenly we're doing all these things on our computers with the video and the phone. and they're using it now in the media. You know, before they used to satellite link people in

so that they could do an interview at a big, you know, CNN or Fox or MSNBC or whatever it is. You know, they used to have guests live in the studio or they'd have an elaborate satellite link so it was crystal clear. And now, forget it. Now they don't have time and wherewithal to do all that. We've all become these Skype monsters. We've all become zoomers

And we're all looking at each other Through our laptop computers and our cell phone So here's my new term Angle your damn face How many of you When you get on your device to do a video stream Don't put any effort into where you're sitting Where your camera's pointing

How your face is angled Okay, if I have one more FaceTime or Zoom call with someone where I'm looking up the cavity of their nose so I can see their brain pulsing in their skull, I feel like an eye ear, nose and throat doctor. I mean, I've seen nose hair, I've seen boogers, I've seen crap in people's teeth, I've seen crust in people's eyes, I've seen the tops of people's heads, I've seen, what haven't I seen? Can you people not grasp it? Just front and center, angle your face, okay? Put your device up on a flat angle that's directly across from your face. Think of your nose, think of your face as a dartboard, okay? Your nose is the bullseye, okay?

Your device should be looking flatly across at the bullseye, as if two dartboards were hanging on opposite walls staring at each other, and they're both at the same height. Okay? I don't want to see your triple chin. I don't want to see you leaning in, and your lower jawbone is gigantic like a moose, and the top of your head looks like it's up in the cloud.

You look like Zippy the clown or the freak or whatever it was. You look like you're in the carnival house of mirrors. Your face is so distorted. I feel like I'm talking to people in a fun house. I mean, I'd get a better reception if I threw a rock in a pond and watched your face in the ripples. Okay, and this is just friends and family. I'm saying this to now cut to professional media people,

quote-unquote professional media people on television. And these bozos don't have a clue. I'm watching people on CNN and Fox at MSNBC, you know, NBC, ABC, CBS, CBS, they're chiming in for a big interview, global interview. And I'm looking up their nose. I'm seeing the back of their house. I'm seeing their kids run around. I'm hearing dogs barking.

I mean, prime example, this guy, Dr. Fauci, the medical expert that the whole world's looking to to somehow have the answers to this whole virus thing, which I don't think he does, I hate to say. I believe he's a smart man, but I think he's way out of his league. Because let's be honest, he's got a lot of stuff wrong. He's got some right, but a lot wrong, too. And when you're an expert in something, I don't think there should be a 50-50 split with the right wrong. I can handle like a 70-30 split with the right wrong or a 20-80 split. But when it's about 50-50, I'm a little nervous now.

So this guy goes on TV the other day, and he's the man, right? And so they have a big hearing with the guy on TV, all the big network. or carrying it. And this guy somehow decided to put his recording device like up in the corner of his ceiling. So now I'm looking down on top of this guy's head. He's yacking away for an hour telling us how we're going to get out of this thing, how we're going to resolve the death plague. And I'm sitting there going, wait a minute. We're taking guidance from a guy who doesn't even know how to film himself? I'm listening to an expert while I stare at his bald spot?

Hello? Hello, stupid. Like, I mean, I just don't get it. How hard, how hard is it to not know that people, you couldn't see the guy's eyes? You couldn't see his chin. You were literally looking down on the guy's head. And you're thinking this guy's going on every network in the world. Isn't there someone that can call them?

Look, I'm in show business. I know I get prepped all the time when I do things. It's like, you know, when I go do the Tonight Show or Conan or any of those talk shows, oh my God, this thing's, this thing's more choreographed than Paula Abdul's wet dreams. Okay? They're like, okay, Harlan, will you walk up here? You stand on, we put some tape on the floor, you stand here, okay, you'll hear Conan call your name, you wait for the drum roll, the curtain will open, you walk out, take three steps out,

walk across the stage to the right, stop, greet Conan, shake his hand, give him a hug, pass in front of the desk, take a moment, stare at the crowd wave, sit down, cross your legs, turn to Conan, I mean, like these TV people, they have it choreographed, man, so how is it they can't get on the blower, on the telephone, and say, okay, Dr. Fauci, angle your face. Okay, find a place to set your cameras somewhere in your massive house where you can just have it straight across from you. So when we look at you, we're looking you right in the face, right in the eyes, where you deliver this very important message and information

where you're going to try and calm the country down. You're going to settle everyone's nerves. you're going to be the daddy right now. You're going to be the world storyteller, and you're going to help them fall asleep and be comfortable at night. And there he goes. Yeah, I want the top of some old bald guy's head

telling me a bedtime story. Now I'm just more frightened. So new term, angle your face. Okay, social distancing and angle your fat. face. And if you don't know how to do that, at least blow your nose, at least brush your beard, at least get the corn nibblets out of your beard, wax your eyebrows, pluck your nose hairs, take the disgusting giant yellow chicken McNugget crusts out of the corner of your eyes,

get that eyelash off your cheek, that white drool on the side of your lip to the left side, just scrape it off. Get the parsley out of your teeth. I mean, come on. Angle your fucking face. Okay? Holy cucumber dip. One cheeseburger with everything coming up.

Okay, okay. So I realized the podcast is maybe a little snarky today. A little, you know, a little like, you know, a little angst filled. And that's just me, you know. It's like all of us. this stuff's starting to build up. It's starting to weigh us down. It's starting to come to a head. So maybe today I'm releasing a little bit. Maybe you're releasing with me. Maybe this is,

you know, we need this. Sometimes you just got to blow off a little steam, so I'm letting it all out. But I want to keep the podcast balanced. And so, you know, I think this would be the, Roger, I think this would be the perfect counterbalance to my state of mind is we go to someone who's always in a very chilled, relaxed, kind of fun and upbeat frame of mind. And I think you know who I mean. Carl Flavors, if you got him on the line, Raj? Okay, Raj has him on the line ready to go. Carl Flavors is a beach bum, not really a bum, but he's a surfer dude.

And this guy, his whole life, is just kind of hung out at the beaches down in Southern California here. and that's his life, surfing and wave parties and barbecues and fire pits and girls in bikinis. I mean, I think this guy's got a life that we all wish we sort of had. But it seems like whenever I get too amped up, it's always nice to check in with Carl because he kind of brings me back to that place where I can kind of vicariously live through him. But even more important now is, you know, we've been going through with the, virus, we've been going through all these beach closures down here in California, you know?

They close the beaches, and then they close some of them, and then they open other ones, and then you're allowed to jog down the beach, but you're not allowed to stop and lay down on the beach, and you, oh, my God. The beaches are just a mess, and it's another glaring example of the grand illusion, all the stupid rules, and the mixed-up rules, and the mixed messages, and so why do we go right to the source, lighten the load, lighten the tone here a little on the podcast, and let's go right to Carl Flavors down on the beach in sunny Southern California, and why don't we get it right from the horse's mouth and see how he's doing with the virus,

how he's handling things, how he's dealing with these beach closers, considering the beach is his whole life. Put him through, Raj. Let's get him in here. Carl Flavors. Carl, are you there, buddy? Carl Flavors, hello. Yeah, what's up, Persefiosch? Carl, is that you? It's Carl, Carl Flavors, the Frives in the Ways, Brosh. Wow, okay, so we thought we'd find you.

Obviously, you're at the beach. We can hear the seabirds in the background. That's right, Brosh. I mean, it ain't a sunshiny beach day without the guise. Cracking in the air brash Yeah, the gulls cracking in the air That's right, brosch, they're cracking fresh in the airways Procepteage

Wow, so you're at the beach We figured you'd be there Uh, Carl, uh, how's it going down there, man? I know that there's been kind of this kind of back and forth With the officials and the politicians They've been shutting the beaches down And then they keep reopening them I know, right? It's kind of going back and forth like a dirty ping pong ball in a back alley behind a Baskin Robbins, Brosef, the age.

Yeah, it's just they keep kind of changing their minds, and how are you dealing with it down there at the beach? Well, you know, they keep trying to implement that we wear these, like, masks on our face, right? And if there's one thing, you know, the Flaves does, it's like, you don't want to be restricted down at the beach. The flames is in the waves, and you've got to be free, bro. Yeah, you're right, man. The last thing you want to do is go to the beach and be, you know, encumbered with all this stuff on your face and covering yourself up. Right.

You just want to be out in the open appreciating the salty sea air covering your body with a million little dragonfly Chris's bro, shosh. Eososh, yoosh, yoosh, yosh, yosh. Did you say dragonfly Chris's? Well, I meant to say kisses, but I said chrises, and I do have a girlfriend named Chrissy down here, so I guess it all works out, right? Okay, okay, I guess. So how are you dealing with the authorities? How do you get away with being on the beach without a mask, Carl?

Well, you know, the Flaves is known for his beach time ingenuity, right? Well, yeah, you always seem to come up with some kind of way to survive, right and so tell us what do you do when it comes to wearing the mask on your face well what I've done right is I've created a new club down here during the virus right it's called Cirque to Solay thong okay hold on Cirque to Solay thong right okay okay Cirque to Solay Thong right okay Cirque to Solay that's like the acrobatic people the the circus tumblers in Vegas and whatnot? Oh, they're very dexterios, brous.

I mean, they can twist around like a fucking Philippian tube going down a toboggan run in the 1974 Olympics. I mean, they can twist, broush. Yeah, they're very flexible, and I don't think there's a position they can't perform. Right, so we've decided the Flays put together what I call the Cirque de Soleil, A thong club, right? Okay, a thong club. That's interesting. So how does that work?

You have to bring your own thong? Well, sort of, right. In order to be in the club, right? Because, you know, the Flaves likes to get out at the beach. Oh, natural. I mean, who needs a bathing suit when you got the sun wrapping itself around you, right? Yeah, you've talked about this, how you like to kind of be out in nature. and a lot of the time you don't wear anything at all.

You just like to keep it free. Right, yeah, let the porpoise and the dewworm crawl around and play in the fucking sun and sad, right? Whatever, however you want to put it. So tell us how the Cirque de Soleil thong works. Well, we don't want to put, you know, the Flaves and all those compadres brash. We don't want to put a cloth over our face, right? So what I came up was, if you want to be in the, you know, the Carl Flavor Cirque de Soleil Thong Club, right? What you got to do is you got to be willing to get totally bone-duff naked, right?

Okay, yeah, down to the, down to nothing. Totally like, necodeous, chotodious, negaudius. I think that's the Latin term. For what? For naked. Okay, I don't know that that's the Latin term, but. Well, can you verify that it isn't the Latin term? Well, I guess not.

Well, then I guess that's the Latin term, brooch. Okay, what do you do to... So people joining the Cirque de Soleil Thong Club, they have to show up naked. Right, but there's a caveat, right? You just can't show up like naked. There are requirements to the Carl Flav's nudity showcase, right? Okay, well, what are the... the requirements.

Well, you basically can't show up bald, right? What do you mean bald? You know, like bald in the, you know, the Bermuda Triangle or the, you know, the pocket gop for Groundhog Club. What are you talking about? Well, you know how a lady, when she grows a bushy bush, right? Are you talking about the pubic area? Right, like a lady grows a bushy bush.

And when she grows the bush, what's the shape? of it, Browse? Well, I guess it's traditionally the shape of a woman's pubis when it grows in is the shape of a triangle, I guess? Right, right, and what is the shape of a mask for your face, Brosh? Well, I guess it's sort of tapered. It's sort of like a rectangular, triangular type of thing. Right.

Okay, well, what are you saying? So I'm also saying, like, if you're a dude edder. A what? A dude edder or a dude. Are you saying a male? Uh, that's right, brouch. Okay, so if you're a man... Right, you can't trim the gopher hole either, okay?

Why do you keep calling it a gopher hole? Because a gopher pops up. You ever seen a prairie dog come out of the prairies brach? Yeah, a prairie dog comes up out of the grass. Right, so what do you think a guy's weiner looks like if it comes up out of the pubs, brooch? Good look, Carl. Are you saying that when a man's weiner comes up out of the pubic hair, it looks like a prairie dog? You slap some buck teeth on the tip of your mushroom cap, and you got yourself a gopher, bro, a meat gopher.

Okay, how... So if you're a man, you have to also have an ample amount of bush on your... groin? Right. Everyone who joins the Carole Flavor Cirque de Soleil Thong Club has to have a big endowment of bush. Okay, and the point is Well, I did say it's Cirque de Soleil, right? Okay, yeah, where does the Cirque de Soleil thing come in? Right, so what happens is if you're on the beach with the Flaves and you're in the duff and you got your patch hanging out, right? Okay, your patch hanging out. And, you know, you're standing there just having fun, having a social time, you know, trying to catch some waves with the flames, right?

Yes. And all of a sudden, the po-po or the authoritize come up and try to bust you for not having a mask on, right? Right. That's when we kick into Cirque to Soleil mode. So what we do... I can't wait to hear this. What we do, bro, is everyone stands on their hands. Okay?

What do you mean? They stand on their hands. That's where the Cirque de Soleil thinking, you've got to be acrobatic. You've got to be able to stand on your hands and walk on your hands the way the Cirque de Soleil freaks do, brash. Okay, most young people can probably stand on their hands and walk around, but what's the point of that? Well, now, suddenly, if we're upside down walking on our hands, right, and you've got a triangle bush on your pelvis with the girly girls. right? Oh, God. It looks like you're wearing a brown mask

or a blonde mask on your face, brooch. Are you telling me that you're... You get up on your hands so the authorities think that you've got a mask on your face, but it's really just the pubs covering your... Covering the verjjay, bro, shosh, oh, she, oh, my God. What?

Okay, then how does this work for the men? Well, what the men have? to do, they have to pull the gopher back into the gopher hole. What the hell does that mean? Well, you ever get your, uh, you know, Italian salami and push it back through your legs and then cross your legs, broosh? Yeah, it's called a pullback. Sometimes you did it when you were a kid because you're an idiot.

You push your... You push your... P penis. You push your penis back through your legs and you cross your legs and it looks like... It looks like... It looks like... got of a JJ, right? Okay, it's a stupid locker room prank, yes.

So, if you're a male and you're part of the Cirque de Soleilathon Club, you will get up on your hands, you pull your prey, pray, back through your hay, and now, with your hairy bush, it looks like you're wearing a mask, too. So you're telling me now, the authorities show up. Right. And you all jump on your hands, and you're naked. Right. And before jumping up on their hands, the men push their penis back.

Back through their legs and close them. Right, so now it looks like they have a triangle. Oh, my God. And the women get up on their hands, and everyone's walking around on their hands. Right, and it looks like now their groin is their face, and it looks like everyone's walking around with like a triangle mask on their face. And so you only have to walk around for a few minutes, until the popo strut on by, broush.

What the hell? So there's, like, 10 or 20? Sometimes 30 or 40 in the Cirque de Soleil Thong Club. So now there's 30 or 40 human beings. This is, they're walking around on their hands naked. Right. The women have a hairy bush between their legs, and it looks, it looks like a thong on their face.

Right. And the men have pulled back their hairy gopher. They're hairy gopher, and now it looks... So now you get all these people walking around, and they look like they have thongs on their faces, but really, it's their pubis. Right, and so we've been getting away with this for like three weeks now, bro. And, you know, it's really cool,

and more and more people are joining the Cirque de Soleil Thong Club, and I invite you to pull down your pants right now and ask yourself, how thick is my? bush broush well i'm not pulling down my pants to see if how big what what's the matter with you are you sure you don't want to just take a quick look brosch carl i am not pulling down my pants while i'm on a podcast to see how thick my pubis is well i just want you to know bros we got a lot of hot california girls down here and there's some pretty striking bea bermuda triang happening right now bros i mean it almost looks like a crop circle down here really yeah bros i mean

you know it's really hang on let me just check my pants yeah check it out bro i'll i'll wait on hold bro oh my god i i guess i haven't trimmed in a i haven't trimmed in a little while what's that bros i said i haven't trimmed in a little while well i'll tell you what bros we're doing like a we're doing like a campfire at sunset tonight if you want to come down to be part of the Cirque de Soleilat Thong Club I mean, is your bush hairy enough that you can hide the meat gopher?

Well, Roche? Yes, I think I could tuck I could tuck the meat gopher back into its hole, as you say. Brooch, you're welcome to the Cirque de Soleilat Thong Club, brooch. What time is it at?

Like sunset, bro. You know, just get down here when the sun starts dipping into the salty. Okay. Great. Well, I'm glad we connected. Great, brooch. And when you get down here, I'll tell you all about the beer racks. What do you mean beer racks?

Well, you've heard of a wine rack, right, brooch? Yeah. Well, we can't have like a Cirque-Dicillate dog club without some beverages, right? Some frosty, frosty, frosty brushes, right? Are you talking about beer? Right, and so what I've made are these fake racks of tits, and you stick them on the girls, and inside they're full of fucking beer, man. Oh, my God, okay, I'm going to wrap the podcast up a sunset, right?

That's right, bruce. We'll see you down here. I'm Carl Flaves, and I love the Wairs, Brush. Keep it easy. Have a flip curl on the side twirl, rubber duck, fun stuff, jumble, jumble, shrimp funch. what jumble what holy god jeez i think i just got sucked into carl flavors cirque de solace thong club man and okay okay yeah so i have a bit of a hairy bush right now how how many of us don't i mean let's be honest here during this lockdown of

have a bunch of us kind of let our personal hygiene slip a little maybe Can we be honest here? Maybe you're not showering as much as you normally do. Maybe you're not trimming your nails as much as you normally do. Washing your hair as much as you normally do, uh-huh. Oh, yeah, I'm the only one. Sure, sure. Okay, maybe I got a little bit of a bush going.

And normally, I think you could hear, I was kind of repulsed by what he was talking about. But then, but then I've been trapped in my home. for almost a month and a half. And I'm not having any fun. I'm not hanging out at the beach where girls are wearing fake breasts full of beer. And everyone's walking upside down in the nude to fake that they've got a mask over their face. Then as soon as the cops go by, they all get back on their feet and they're partying. You know what?

I could use some social time, okay? So crucify me. So I'm going to the beach at sunset, and I'm going to get naked, and I'm going to have some drinks from some breasts. And if I see any cops coming, I'm going to get up on my hands and do a tuck back, and I'm going to fake it that I've got a brown, hairy thong on my face. And screw it. You know, I think being cooped inside is dangerous.

It's not healthy. And if you listen to Carl Flavors, that guy sounds happy as a clam. He's the one guy that's got it right. He's always got it right. Even when we're not in a lockdown, that guy just seems to have the best life ever. Damn! So throw me in jail. I'm joining the Cirque de Soleil Thong Club.

Sue me. God. Okay, here it is. Here's the question of the day. It involves a sound. It involves a sound you either like or you hate. Here it is. The question of the day is, what is this sound? Do you know what it is? Can you figure it out? Oh, you're going to be mad when you find out. Because you've all done it. Oh, come on.

Is it driving you nuts? Is it like claws on a chalkboard? You give up? All right. Here's what it is, and for some reason it should be annoying as all hell. But for some reason, I like it. You ever pull your plastic? straw out of the top of your soda cup or as I call it pop, right? You go to the movie theater

and you get a great big giant glass of Coke or a sprite or an orange crash and you're watching your movie and you get down to the bottom of your cola or your soda or you're popping and you're drinking and there's nothing left. So there's this empty empty cup with a lid and a straw sitting there. And I don't know what it is. It's just a bad habit. I don't know what it is. But at some point during the movie,

I always love to reach over and slowly pull the straw out. Now, it's a horrible sound. I'm going to give you that. It's grating. It's kind of grinding. It's like, like I said, nails on a chalkboard. But for some reason, I like the feel of it. I like the sound of it.

I like the visual of, you know, you know, that hole in the top of your, your lid? When you stick the straw through, it kind of breaks up into four pieces, the lid. And it's like, it's like four triangles and your straws in the middle. And those four really pointy triangles are holding your straw in place. And then when you pull the straw up, it kind of, it kind of fights those triangles of plastic that are trying to hold it in. I don't know. There's something about the visual of that. There's something about the sound of that.

There's something about the feeling that runs through your fingers. You can feel all the vibrations. And then I kind of like to think, oh, how's this affecting the other theater goers? I know it's kind of annoying. It's kind of maybe borderline mean. People are there to watch a movie, not hear this. Right?

But for some reason, I do it. And sometimes I even wait. I'll wait for a dramatic pause. Whether it be a horror movie or a love story or an intense drama. Sometimes, I don't know, am I being a douche, or is it the comedy guy in me? Or is it just, I'm bored? I don't know. But sometimes I'll just, I'll wait for that big line.

It's like, I love you, Sarah. I love you, John. Are you coming with me or not? I mean, right? Is that just wrong? Does that mean? And now some of you are sitting there going, what a douche. I hope I'm never in a movie with that guy around.

What an asshole thing to do. And then how many of you, be honest, are sitting there going, holy shit. Next time I go to the movies. I'm going to wait for a quiet part. and do that Uh-huh You know you are

I'm not the only A-hole in the room here You know You know some of you're gonna do it Ha ha ha ha Now it's like Now it's like a child Now you're fighting it in you're like

No no I would never do that I would never do that Oh my God oh my God Oh my God I'm doing it I'm doing it right You're gonna be at the movie And you're gonna do it And you're gonna think of me

and you're going to start laughing and I almost want you to phone me and tell me how it goes. But who am I kidding here? Are there any movies anymore? Are we going to the movies anymore? I just read an interesting article today about the future of movie theaters if and when we come out of this virus. and the article was all about how movie theaters are not going to survive, how a lot of the independent movies are not going to survive and that this whole virus has accelerated the experience of people downloading movies at home.

You've got to think probably millions upon millions of people have no idea what Netflix is or Amazon Prime. Even though you might have it, you're like, come on, how could they not? know what it is. Believe me, there's a lot of people. I have a buddy who's very sophisticated, modern guy. He had never used Amazon until this virus, okay? There's a lot of people that just, they're so used to doing things that they don't want to start something new. It frightens them, or they're afraid they'll get used to it, or they think it's difficult, or they just don't want to change, but this virus has really accelerated the whole digital era. It's forced people to now engage with Amazon and Netflix and digital downloads and things on the internet

that they never would have touched before. You know, possibly even porn too, you know, people that have never, you know, straight into watching a pornographic movie. Think about it. A lot of us now are, we can't date. We can't, we can't go out. We can't go and make out or hold hands or go to the movies or go out for a drink or dinner. So everyone I know, it's been, yeah, I haven't been with a partner in months. I haven't seen anyone.

I haven't, you know. so all these things that we used to go out for or all these things we used to drive to or walk to, now we're making them come to us. And so this article was saying that the movie theaters won't be able to sustain or survive. And so the big digital media companies, and this was just the story from the reporter,

it's not my analogy, but this was what the reporter put it. He said that the big digital streaming companies like Apple and Disney and Amazon and Hulu, places like that, will buy up all the theaters. And then they'll be able to intertwine them with the releases of their movies. And they'll make them bigger, better experiences. Like they'll have Disney characters waiting at the door and they'll channel people. They're going to redesign things.

theaters and instead of just walking into a theater, now they'll strategically have it that you have to walk through the gift shop on the way in and the way out. So now you go see a Disney movie. You know, you go see the new little mermaid movie and you're forced to walk through the merch store on the way out that's wall to wall with mermaid toys. And so I think you're going to see a lot of new inventive ways for movie theaters and movies to be shown and displayed and built. And it's interesting. There's some interesting times ahead. You know, I'm in the comedy club industry.

And I talk to my stand-up comedy buddies about it. We're like really worried. We're like, wait, well, how are we going to go back and stand in front of crowds? and be funny. And how are we even going to share a microphone with another comedian? I mean, think of it. A microphone is like a petri dish. Comedians have their mouths right on this round thing with a screen on it

that captures every little drop of spittle and bacteria and who knows what else. So I've never had a rider for my stand-up shows. A lot of guys have riders where they go, I have to have flowers in my dressing room or some guys are like, I have to have a new pair of Nike's before I go on stage. Like, there's some pretty, like, pre-Madonna-ish people out there in my industry when it comes to riders. I've never had anything, okay? I just show up if I want to drink an iced tea or a Gatorade or whatever. I just ask the bartender, boom.

If I want a snack, I'll ask for some fries. I don't go in and play that whole, give me this, give me that. But I told my agent, I said, I said, Rick. I've never had a rider. I said, but going forward, if the club's open, here's my first rider. I want a disinfected microphone that is my own, dedicated to me. So when my opening act leaves the stage, he unplugs his mic and takes it with him, and I walk on stage with my own sanitized microphone that nobody has used.

Because I don't want to get anything from another comedian and I don't want to give anyone anything else. And, you know, think about it. Those microphones are up there week after week, sometimes the same microphone for years. Who knows what's living? Maybe that's where the damn coronavirus started. You know, Johnny's Coconut Hot down in Florida. Johnny's Coconut Giggle Club. There's all these diseases brewing in the microphone.

But then you've got to think about, okay, well, let's say they do open the comedy clubs. Well, how many people will they put in? People aren't going to want to sit shoulder to shoulder. And then they're probably not going to allow people to sit within eight feet of the stage, which sucks because, you know, comedians and customers like the intimacy of a comedy club. You're right there. You're at the comedian's feet. You're all shoulder to shoulder.

And laughing is contagious. So what happens is when you get that energy going, people start feeling the other people have and everyone likes to laugh together and there's a real kind of harmony at a comedy club. But let's say a comedy club holds 300 people and now they're only allowing 120 in and they're spread out all over the place and they're not allowed eight feet near the stage. And suddenly the room feels kind of empty. It sounds kind of empty. The energy's not as good for the crowd.

The energy's not as good for the comedian. The club can't hardly sell any food or alcohol. I don't know if the comedians can do a meet and greet after the show. That might be gone. You know, a lot of comedians, including myself, we'd meet the audience afterwards and sell t-shirts and say hello and shake hands and sign autographs and take pictures. I doubt that can happen anymore.

And so how the heck does the stand-up comedy industry survive? Holy smokes. I've got to be honest, it's a little scary. And, you know, I'm a guy that's pretty established. I've been doing this for 30 years. So, you know, if it's stopped now, I'd be like, okay, I had a great run. I did just about everything you can do in stand-up comedy. I don't know if there's much else I could have done.

But there's a lot of guys that are just getting gone. There's a lot of guys that haven't even started yet. There's a lot of guys and girls that are partway there. There's a lot of guys and girls that were just kind of starting to get their stride. And then there's a lot of guys and girls that are kind of just those road comics that you know they're never going to be stars. They're never going to be on TV or in the movies. But they make their living doing a great show traveling around the country. And they're not necessarily looking for.

you know, to be the next George Carlin or the next Jerry Seinfeld. But they're content just being on the road and doing shows, and that's how they make their living. But that's gone. And you've got to remember there's a lot of comedians that dedicated their life to this, that passed over more traditional work and jobs so that they could follow their dreams. So it's a real kind of interesting time. right now for stand-up comedians. I don't know if you guys have thought about that at all,

but it's, it might be the death of live comedy. Now, that being said, they'll figure something out. I don't want to be like the Grim Reaper here. We will figure something out, okay? It's not like it's just going to disappear, but it's, it might take a while. It might not ever be the same. It might it might not be as good as it was. I don't know. Maybe it'll be better. I'm an optimist, so I'll keep the candle in the window, but

it's kind of intense right now, and I'm feeling it for a lot of comedians. I'm worried. And not just comedians, club owners and the wait staff and the managers and the bouncers and the tech people.

And I mean, there's a lot of jobs at comedy clubs, man. And plus they pay a good rent for wherever they're located in a mall or whether they own their own building. It's like the, you know, so there's a whole industry there that's in peril right now. It could be one of the last ones to come back. Same thing with music venues, you know, singers and bands and what's going to happen to all that? Very interesting. Very interesting.

And you know what? Let me say this. Speaking of which, if you are jonesing for some stand-up comedy, okay, little self-plug here. But this is interesting. And I'm glad I did this now that I'm, you know, now that this has happened, I'm glad I did this. But for years, maybe decades, I've been recording just about every stage.

up show I've ever done. Okay, I bring my recording device on stage. I put it on the stool and I record all my shows. And the reason I do it is because if you know me at all, if you know my stand-up act, I do a lot of crowd interaction. I love talking to the crowd. I love making up the jokes right in the moment, right, in that second, right? To me, it's the purest form of comedy. Just boom, no time to write, no time to think. Just, Somebody yells something, and you've got to come back and be funny in the moment. And so I've always recorded my shows, and what I've been doing over the last few years is putting these albums together called crowd control. So what they are is they're albums I put together, and it's just a collection of all my crowdwork.

So I take the best of moments, and I compile them, and I put them together in a cohesive, like, digital download. And so you can buy one of my downloads. They're between like 40 minutes and an hour. Some of them are a bit shorter, half hour, 40 minutes, an hour. And it's like you're there at a live show. You can hear the crowd. You can hear the laughter. And you can hear all the material just happening in the moment.

It's hecklers. It's people yelling. It's people talking. It's so much fun. And so if you're craving that live stand-up comedy club experience, go and download crowd control. I just put them up on my website. Crowd Control, volume 3, 4, and 5.

And volume 5 is brand new. 3 and 4 have been out for a little bit. Volume 5, you're the first to hear of it. Okay, I just put it up. Nobody's even heard it yet. So if you're craving some live stand-up comedy and some in-the-moment interaction, I did it so that you kind of feel like you're

there in the crowd, like you're part of the show and you're surrounded by the audience and you're involved in the heckling. It's a lot of fun. It's a lot of unexpected, spontaneous comedy. I think you'll love it. Each download is only $3. Okay, so think of it. If you were to go to a stand-up comedy show, your tickets for you and your date would be $40, two-drink minimum, your food, your tips, okay, you're talking probably $100. to go out and see a stand-up comedy comedian live. To come and see me live would probably run you about $100, if not more. Here, for $3, you get that same material that I did in those clubs.

But not only did you get material, it's completely new. It's material that I did once and will never do again. So it's completely unique. There may be a couple of albums where maybe something was like a, you know, a thought occurred to me a second time. I think there's one or two where someone said a trigger word and I went, oh, boom, boom.

And in the moment I repeated something I might have said before, but it's very, very rare. So it's tons of fun. So go check it out. Harlandwiliams.com. And you can download Crowd Controls, Volume 2, 3 and 4, $3 each.

And I think you'll have a laugh. something great to listen to as you're laying in bed at night just before you go to sleep. It's so much fun. So check it out, and I hope you like it. I think for now it should replace the live stand-up comedy club experience if that's what you're jonesing for. Good, so we'll leave it there on an upbeat note, a happy note,

and I've got to go and trim my you-know-what just to make sure it looks it looks presentable when I get down to the beach shortly. And who knows, maybe I'll even see you there. Hope you had a good time today. I don't know how much longer we'll be doing the podcast here, but as long as we're going through the virus and the lockdown and, you know, we need some laughs, we need some levity, we need just to hear people talk.

I'm going to keep popping them in here for a little bit longer. So I'm having a blast doing them. I hope you're enjoying them, gang. Be safe. Wear your helmet. Wear your gloves. Wear your face mask. Wash your hands.

Put lipstick on. Whatever you need to do. Thousand Island dressing, ranch, whatever you got to do. And until next time, stay safe. And chicken. Chowman, baby?

It looks like you got it for JJ, right? I don't know. I don't know the mrs. The B. .

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