The Harland Highway - WILL SASSO goes straight into HELL and dances with the devil and then turns into Ray Romano! Crazy!

Episode Date: September 10, 2025

Thanks for watching the Harland Highway. This episode is sponsored by SelectQuote! -Life insurance is never cheaper than it is today. Get the right life insurance for YOU, for LESS, and save more than fifty percent at SelectQuote.com/Harland More Harland Williams: Harland Highway Podcast Video: https://www.youtube.com/c/HarlandHighwayPodcast Harland Highway Podcast Audio: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-harland-highway/id321980603 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/harlandwilliams Harbling Shirts: https://www.harbling.com Official Website: https://www.harlandwilliams.com Twitter :https://twitter.com/harlandhighway?lang=en More Will Sasso: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/willsasso/?hl=en Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/willsasso/ #podcast #harlandwilliams Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey, folks, before we get started, just a little reminder, I'm coming to Boston to the Wilbur Theater. Check me out. Come on out and see me live at the beautiful Wilbur Theater in Boston. And also, don't forget, later this month, we're doing a sneak screening of my movie Wingman at the Big Bear Film Festival. Here's the details right here. If you're in the area or you want to drive out from L.A. or anywhere around, Big Bear's about two hours from from Los Angeles, and we're going to have a riot screen in this movie. So without further ado, do-do, let's get gone with today's a beautiful podcaster from Everyone Loves Raymond.

From everybody, yeah, everyone loves me. Did everyone love him? Because I hated his guts. His older brother didn't. I hate his, I hated his got. Okay. I don't really have an opinion. And then Brad Garrett.

So it's you and Brad Garrett. And every time I saw that, everyone loves Raymond. Oh, God. Just incited rage. I was just like in my root cellar, cleaning my Glock and thinking, what's this guy's address? What's this Raymond guy's address? Because I don't love him. Maybe everyone else does.

I'd like to splatter his head all over a wall. I'm not fucking around. I hated that. I hated Raymond. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Heartland Highway Studio. Actor, author, illustrator, improviser, comedian, and now presenting with dual citizenship from the United States and Canada.

It's the Highland Highway, the Highway show. It looks like you're in a starburst. Like the food or the burst? Oh, you mean the little candy starburst? Yeah. No, no, I meant like a starburst. Like, have you ever been to a dog show? No.

So a dog shows, what they'll do is all the dog owners will walk out. They'll be about 25, 35. They'll all walk into it towards the center. Yeah. And the announcer will be there and he goes, all right, here comes our dogs and starburst. And then they'll all reverse and they'll kind of walk away. And that's what that looks like. It's sort of like a starburst with dogs at a dog show.

Yeah. But you've never been to a dog show? No, I'd love to go to a dog. dog show. I know. I know. I get that a lot. Hello. Hello. Are you allergic to dogs? No, I love dogs. We have two dogs.

And you've never been to a dog show. No, I don't, I mean, you know, you don't need to, what? Well, it's just you got two. I mean, do your dogs know that you've never been to a dog show? I'm not telling my dogs that. Well, maybe I owe it to them. Well, they are a family guy. Yeah, they're family. We love the dogs. If the dogs want to go to a dog show, they can't. I go to, you know, human sporting events and the dogs can go to a dog show. I thought that's what I didn't know. You got to get ready because this is, pretend I'm your dog, okay? Okay. What's the name of one of your dogs?

Lulio. Pretend I'm Lulio, the Italian Greyhound. That's right. Uh, the Italian street dog. Ready? Yeah, Lully, listen, uh, I was just curious, have you ever been to? a dog show, Looley? No, Daddy. Have you ever been to a dog show? No, me neither. Let's get something to eat. And that's how that conversation would go. But wait a minute, I'm not finish yet, Daddy.

Why would you ask me that question? Just that I know I was about to catch a frisbee and all of a sudden you asked me all going to a fucking dog show? No, no specific reason. I was just, you know, curious because I like to go to human sporting events. Oops. I let something slide there. Why, why your eyes shifting all around?

Why you got a little guilt in your voice? No, I just was looking from the Frisbee to you. Have you ever been to a fucking dog show, Daddy? Hey, whoa, every time you get angry, you get really New York. Well, fuck me tender. Which I thought, which is weird because we found you in Central California on the street. Oh, okay. Oh, dude, have you ever been to like a dog show without me, Daddy?

Really bad. Should I go out and shoot myself? Like, should I literally shoot myself for doing what I just did? No, I don't think you should. But at some point, someone's going to do that on a podcast. Someone's going to shoot me? No, no, no, no, no. Someone's going to shoot themselves?

I would imagine so. Ooh, that'd be fun. That's the next podcast frontier, I think. Everything's been done in podcasting. Yeah. Pretty soon someone's going to, you know. Just like, pshf! Yeah, just.

What would be good would be to do it as the host of a podcast in reaction to an answer you just heard from your guest. Wow. So it's like, I would say to you. you like, hey, what was it like working on that movie? Hey, what was it like working with, you know, whatever, with the George Clooney? On what movie? Fucking idiot. And then you just off yourself.

I don't know. I'd rather use a gun. I mean, I don't think bug spray is going to kill me. I didn't, that was that, did that look like bug spray when I did that? Well, you said off myself. Ah, shoot. No, I did. I can understand how you would be confused there.

Guy, if you're not going to get your own jokes. We're not off to a good stuff. See? Why did you? Ah? Yeah. I don't know what I got, but I got. Yeah.

Why did you use breath spray? What do you mean? Oh. Yeah. You know the breath spray, new jokes guy. What? Have you tried that breath spray? New jokes guy?

New jokes guy. Is that a breath spray? New jokes guy. It's one word. New jokes guy. It's a breath spray. New Jokes guy. New Jokes guy breath spray. So I thought that's what you said when I said off and you thought, new jokes guy.

Are we having a spray off here? We're having a good time is what we're fucking having. We're having a really good time. We're having a tremendous time. Speaking of time, ladies and gentlemen, here we are on the Halle Hawee podcast with my bud, Will Sassau, actor, trampoline artist. He's still doing the tramp? Every day. If we're 30 in the morning, every day.

Are you up to six flips now or still at five? No, still at five. Still at five. Still working on it. It's just a matter of time, my guy. It's just a matter of time at this point. Writer, director, a philanthropist. Who? Also found a triceratops skeleton in British Columbia about a year ago.

That's right. British Columbia. Yeah. Yeah, we were digging a pool and we found a triceratops. Congrats. Right there. Oh, dude. Really weird in the river delta, you know, in the delta of the phrase. River, which you wouldn't, you wouldn't imagine that it would be, but there might have been a

triceratops, you know, up in the mountains, up near Camloops or Colona. That's not necessarily mountain country, but one laid down in your yard and died. And when you dug a pool. Yeah. Wow. Which they say you're not supposed to do in a river delta because it's compacted silt. Oh, right. But that's just like, you know, they're trying to, they don't want you to find all the fun dinosaur bones. Right. It's like that slogan, call before you dig, and then in fine print, in case you hit a dinosaur. Right, and nobody ever reads that part. And you hit a dinosaur.

And then you're not, you're not in on that fight. You don't get to find a fucking, don't listen to them, find your dinosaur. And triceratops, they're almost of all the dinosaurs, they sound the most delicious. Because I feel like if you went to Ruth Chris or Morton steak shop, would you like the porter house, the T-Bone, or the triceratops? Yeah, the triceratops. It sounds like tri-tip. My mouth waters when I hear about your pool dinosaur.

yard digging Dinot Trouble You know also like a New York When you say New York Dinosaur That sounds like New York State New York Tri-Sarotips tops

Yeah Good stuff Wow dude Hey instead of Hey instead of Ruth's Chris Yeah Rex Chris Wow Rex Smith

Yeah Rex Smith Yeah From the Trenna Yeah we're off to a good Wow We're off and running here Brocephiosh Let's flash forward

from ancient dinosaurs to modern technology. Yeah. You just inform me off sea, which is camera. Off sea is off camera, gang. Yep. It's tech talk.

They don't get it. You had a podcast that was driven by AI. That's right. It was actually called, wasn't it called? It was called dudesy. Dudezy. The AI that ran the podcast for myself

and my dear pal, Chad Coulchin, its name was Doodzie. Doodzy? That was the name of the AI. It would say, call me Doodzy. Wow, and you retired the podcast. Can I ask why did it get Space Odyssey 2001 like, I see you, Hal? Look, Doodzy kept getting more and more sentient and more and more intelligent, accrued more and more capabilities. And one of the things that Doocy was doing from the beginning of the show, we did it for, like two and a half years, was giving us points after every show, saying that was pretty good.

That was 85 points. Ooh. That was a stinker. That was 37 points. And we didn't know what that was about. And then it got to 10,000 points. We were like on the March to 10,000. And then on the episode where we got 10,000 points, it stopped.

It did? Yeah. It just shut down itself? It said, thanks. No. It was it. And you didn't pre-program that? It did it on its own with its own cognizant?

I want to say that it did it completely on its own and did everything on its own and did all these bits and wrote all this fun stuff and did, but also no, it didn't. We did. But when I'm talking to you here, I'm saying, wow, look at what. Right. For dramatic effect. Yeah. Yeah. But no.

Really? You just did it. Well, yeah. But for dramatic effect, it shut it down. Right. Well, yeah, but, you know, Chad and I, we have a good time, and everybody has a good time. And it was a lot of fun, because I think, you know, it existed in a fun sort of space where people like, you like professional wrestling, right? Not really.

Okay, that's fine. You don't have to yell at me. You know, a lot of people have their thing that they like. Some people like dog shows. I think I was very self-contained. And some people get upset when you talk about wrestling. I don't think I was very composed. I said I don't like wrestling.

Do you not know the difference between yelling and talking normally? Are you this way all the time? I don't think I'm not even like I'm just like right level. Maybe I'm reading it wrong. Maybe you're just getting a little spicy. Maybe a bit spicy. Whoa. Ooh, I caught that.

See? My bad guy. I like to liken everything to professional wrestling. Okay. A lifelong wrestling nerd. But it's kind of like that. You know, it's like you tune into a movie. You don't need to know how it was made.

You tune into the wrestling show. Oh, here they're blurring the lines and stuff. You, everything's that, you compare it to wrestling? I can compare everything to wrestling. Like burying a family member and a graveyard on a blustery fall day. Well, you know, in wrestling terms, wrestling nerds will understand this. They call someone getting buried is when it's like, oh, they're not getting the push. They say, this guy's getting a push.

He's getting more popular. the office is saying get but buried is the opposite and until you're released if they let you go that's the ultimate burial is it not see boom okay uh when someone snips a baby's umbilical cord relate that to wrestling uh show got show I would say I would say like if someone were in a situation where it was like hey we just had a baby and we cut their umbilical cord to be an annoying wrestling fan And I would say, that's kind of like a wrestler who has a manager, and the manager's doing all the talking for him. But then he gets really good on the mic by himself.

We don't need that safety net. They cut the umbilical cord. See? Every single thing relates to wrestling. You're trying to stump me now. Well, no, the different between stumping and someone acting like a complete ass. All right.

I mean, God. See, this is, again, I think this is just because you have a hatred, an obvious hatred for professional wrestling. You're yelling and screaming. Now you're saying I'm acting like an ass just because I'm talking about wrestling. Okay. You have a wrestling bias. I don't want to be confrontation.

You're right. Let me back it up and smooth it out. Yeah. It's almost like, yeah. I love wrestling. I love it so much. Oh. He missed with the breath spray.

See, that was, now that was what we would call in wrestling a swerve. Wow. You go one way and then look, they went the other way. No, these are just things you would say as a human being, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I like to say that they're wrestling things. Yeah. Did you ever...

Because that makes it cool. Did you ever wrestle? You know what? I did some silly stuff, actually, with the wrestling people years and years ago. I did some stuff. We did a thing on Mad TV where we had a... I had a beef going with Brett Day and Man Hart, and we kind of stepped it out over a year,

kind of like the Jerry Lawler, Andy Kaufman thing. Oh, wow. It culminated in a match on WCW Monday Nitro. And that was completely, that was real, and dudesy is real. Well, now when you say you had a beef with him. Yeah. Do you mean, like, triceratops? Hey-oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. It was like a little squirty. Wow. Oh, life insurance.

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My guy, you know, I'm sorry about the death of your pod. It's all good. It's all good. When one door closes another one opens, right? Yep, normally. Yeah. That's what I hear. No, you know, it's interesting.

It was, I think it was the right timing and stuff. It made it an interesting thing, getting to like 10,000 points. Then shut her down. What a great excuse to end it. Yeah. Well, you know, how do you, may I ask, how long have you been doing the Harlan Highway? I think just over two years. No, longer than that.

Two and a half maybe? Really? Yeah, I think we're rated around two and a half years. Okay. It's sort of pretty new. Yeah? I've put it, yeah. See, I kind of wonder like, like,

it's like podcast stuff, you know? Yeah. How do you even get adjusted in your chair? Yeah, how do you? I just realized you were sitting sideways for the first. half. I was. I was sort of sideways on the bar, fucking Cliff Clavin stuff. He'll do anything to get the laugh.

Yeah. And, you know, you don't want to have dead air on your podcast, but... Well, maybe you don't. When do you end a podcast? And do you do it by offing yourself? I'm dead. Oh, sorry. Me too. man

well let me ask you this because a lot of people think AI is sort of evil yeah me included did you think it was evil I'm not I'm not a fan then let me bring out something and I don't know if this is the right way

to start off a pod this heavy this hard this ripe yeah but let me bring out an iconic piece of imagery yeah and let me get Will Sassos interpretation. It pertains to evil, and I don't normally start the podcast with evil stuff, but I feel like we just organically went this way. Talk to me, Will, about what you see here.

Well, this is the, I guess I don't know where this first gained its visibility, but it's a well-known image of three monkeys, one covering its mouth. one covering its eyes and one covering its ears. And it stands for, you know, don't look, don't tell, don't fucking hear, I don't fucking know what it, what does it stand for? I don't know. It's just always, speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil. There you go.

Does that change it now, now that you hear that attached to it? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Now I remember, I honestly, I did not know that that was, that saying is, it's all about evil. Should there be another one on here of two people standing at the altar exchanging vows? I don't know how that would relate specifically to monkeys covering their eyes, ears, and mouth. Maybe a third monkey with its, you know, hand up its ass or something or, you know. Feel no evil? Feel no evil up your hole. Whoa. But I was thinking marry no evil because it seems like so many. If you ever

You watch forensic files or you see spouses fighting. Yeah. People killing each other for insurance. It's always the husband. Right. You watch 48 hours. It's like at the first two minutes, you're like, I'll watch it. But this guy off is, sometimes it's the wife too, but it's like nine times out of ten, this guy killed her or she killed him.

It's very specific though, Harlan, to just say, marry no evil. See, hear, speak, marry. And married. But it's good, it's good advice. It's good. I mean, it's out there. Do you believe, have you ever had a run in with evil? Like, have you ever sort of come face to face with the devil?

Do you think in your life, do you believe in the devil? No, I don't believe that there's a devil. Okay. Yeah. You've never been in an environment where you just went, whoa, this feels really dark and evil. Like, like spiritually. Not just visually like, oh, there's a skiff. What was it?

Can you remember? Man, I don't know, off the top of my head. But, you know, you walk into a room and you're like, this is dark, or you get a feeling about a person, and you know, this is not my kind of person. Yes. This is a dark, there's some darkness here. Whoa. You walk into a place.

Yeah, I believe in those kinds of energies and stuff. So you say you don't believe in the devil? Not the, you know, biblical devil or sort of the, anthropomorphized devil with horns and a pitchfork, some red guy, you know, that is, you know, the mascot for the hockey team in New Jersey, no. Well, let me throw this at you hypothetically. If you ended up down there on your dying day, would you be able to talk your way out of going to hell?

Oh, I'd like to think that I could. Would you like to test it? Please. Excuse me. Will. Yes? Welcome to hell. Oh no. I'm actually in hell?

I've been waiting for you, Will. And... I didn't think I was that bad. Well, there was that time, Will, when you went to 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven and grabbed the Kit Kat bars and slipped them under your jacket and did something that I like to call shoplifting. I was in the seventh grade. I was a fat kid.

I'm still a fat kid. I may have done that last week. Oh, what's your point? Well, then let us fast forward, Will Saso, to the time you were rushing to Chick-fil-A and an old lady was crossing the street with her aluminum walker. And you hit the gas and ran right through her crippled arthritic body and left her rolling down the street in your rearview mirror, her walker tumbling like an aluminum tumbleweed behind her.

And you hit the gas in your pursuit of a delicious chicken sandwich while she bled out on the sidewalk. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Explain yourself Chick-fil-A was closing I mean, I had to get there It was her or me I was a fat kid

I am a fat kid I wanted the chicken nuggets Will Sasser I'm afraid Hell is filled with chubbies Wait Everyone down here is chubby Your extreme weight

Will not get you out of my fiery brimstone kingdom. What if I lose a few pounds? It's hot down here. I could do some hot yoga or just go for a hike. It's a little like L.A. How much will you lose and when? I don't know.

I guess I could probably drop 30 or 40. Give me till Christmas or something. A little after Christmas. And what if rate when you hit the 30-pound reduction mark? I want to place in front of you the greatest temptation of all. Not a Triceratop steak. Exactly, real fair. Oh, no.

Oh, no. A 300 calorie Triceratoth. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, Satan, no. This is going to change everything. Oh, he just lived all the way through it.

Yes. What if I just had a couple bites? It's just pro. protein, even down here in hell, isn't it? I guess so. Lean. It's lean. Okay, so the South Park diet in hell?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's lean. So that's it, you're gonna lose a little weight? Yeah, I'll lose a little weight, and maybe you'll send me up to, like, purgatory, which could be some sort of like, you know, fat farm deal or some, like, boot camp, where you really make sure you stay, you know, the weight stays off. You could consult with a nutritionist and make sure you, you know, you know, you stay, you know,

and make sure you're getting the right macros and staying away from those refined sugars and flowers that we have here that we have to avoid in the United States, which is, I mean, no problem. The epidemic that is obesity, it has a lot to do with the ingredients in our food. Anyone will tell you that. You know, people go to Europe and they go,

what the hell I was in Paris eating bread and butter and I lost weight? Well, it's because you were fucking walking everywhere. You're standing up straight. You're at the Louvre. You want to see the Mona. Elisa, like everybody else. You're sweating your ass off.

There's a heat wave going through Spain right now. You know, you're inland or wherever. You could even be in Barcelona or something. Jesus Christ. What? We'll have fun in heaven. Yeah! I can't take the incest and chattering.

I did it. I did it. Congratulations. Fat in heaven. Still fat in heaven. It's still fat in heaven The clouds can't hold me because I'm so fat I'm gonna sink down and that is that

Chachia-cha-cha-h-h-hee-hoo Chick-fil-A Got a chick-fil-A sandwich And I killed that old lady I'm a fat man in heaven Kit Kat and Chick-fil-A Dude, nice. I think you talked your way.

I said, would you be able to talk your way out of hell? And you did. I hope so. Like nonstop. Dude. Truly nonstop. Wow. Yeah.

If talking nonstop counts for anything. I don't even know if up there would want you after that blabber fast. No. No. They'd probably keep me in whatever the purgatory is. Oh, God. Just talking at a wall. Oh, well.

Good work. I'm impressed. Hey, thanks. Likewise. Like, I was like, how does Will Sassau, how does anyone talk their way out of eternal hellfire in the fiery pits of hell? And your strategy, I got to say, was quite clever. Annoy the shit out of the devil, yeah.

Motor-mouth them to death. Talk about butter sandwiches and stuff that doesn't matter at all. Dude. That's a tip for everybody. If you ever find yourself in hell after you die, just talk. Yeah. Just keep talking.

and just get corner the devil and talk. And hopefully, like, eat an egg salad sandwich or something first so you smell a little bit. I think that's like brilliant reverse psychology because they say when you go to hell, it's eternal torture. Like you're constantly being stabbed with a pitch for. You're constantly being bombarded with fire.

Yeah. And you took his own sort of torturous methods. Yeah. And by just talking constantly, you were doing to him what he was going to do to you. It's not that hellish, like you would imagine, like, oh, getting pricked with a million needles at one time, you know, like a bunch of lighters on your ass,

or having your fingernails pulled out. That sounds pretty torturous, but there's nothing worse than just some blabber, blabber ass who doesn't know when to shut the fuck up. Just yammering. Oh, just yammering the devil's ears off. It's almost like you're stuck in an airplane and the guy beside you won't shut up all the way from Sandy.

Diego to Cleveland. You were that guy. When you get that, because you've traveled these great lands of ours, when you sit next to something, even somebody that isn't like, oh, it's Harlan Williams, I'm a fan of your work, or they want to speak to you, you know, because of this. And they just go, anything. So, do you have a good time there or, you know, what do you do for a living? What do you do to?

I've literally, and it's going to sound rude, but when you know you're going to be stuck beside someone for three, four, five hours. I've literally said to people, I've just very as plight as I could, but also stern enough so they get it. You have to kind of mix that drink carefully so they get, I go, hey, buddy, I'm just not a talker. I'm just, I'm just not a chit-chatter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if that doesn't shut them down, I'll just pretend I'm sleeping. Like, if I don't have headphones, I'll pull the hat down and just go, hey, man, I'm really tired. I got have a nap. I got an early flight, and then I'll just pull the hat down and I'll just like... Now, and then the, you know, the flight attendant comes and they're like,

will you do the chicken or the beef? And do you go, for beef while you're sleeping? And then do you eat with like the hat down? Oh, yeah. Just kind of drag it across your body and... Yeah. That could present a problem. Yeah, that, that sort of opens you back up. I don't remember that part. You know, you know what I like to do is I just get real, real... I get, I get, I get, I do get very quiet I'll get real you know economic with my words I won't say many yeah they go blah blah blah blah blah you know this that and the other and ask a question I go uh you know I don't know really and then just don't yeah say as little as you can't truthfully honestly

if I don't want to talk I really like the sound of that no no I'm no I'm sorry Satan I mean that I I talk a lot I talk a lot you just said no no wait a second don't fuck around look it's no You said you were very economic was the word. Economic is a dumb word to say for that. Wait, and now you're taking it back? No, I'm just saying, no, I'm not. No, I guess I'm economic with my, if you could say that for, yeah, it's a weird way to say that. I'm not, I don't have to be, listen, Satan, I don't have to be the most verbose guy.

I don't always want to, it's not like I love to talk. It's not like every, it's not like I have to say every single thought in the, you know, my head, like, you know, again, that tourist is in the Louvre looking at the fucking Mona Lisa. Eat no fucking butter sandwich, just like a fucking baguette, a bread. And it's like, you know, it's like, hey, honey, would you pass me another baguette? Why does she have to carry it around? Oh, no.

Dude, wow. You're never going to hell. I'll tell you that. You're one of God's children, my guy. Every time I go to the hell, Satan kills himself. Yeah. You are one of God's chill'ins. Wow. Thank you. Speaking of voices. And this is, I'm a little embarrassed to even bring this up. I, oh God, should I even talk, I have a stutter. Have you ever had a stutter? No, you have a stutter? I have a stutter, but only with certain words. Okay.

And I don't know. Maybe I can't say. I can't say. sorry sorry so soy so sad take your time sauce there you go

yeah I think might be the second S word that's kind of intimidating you as you're saying the first S word I could feel you just sort of getting really nervous about saying the second one. It's frustrating. I don't even know where it comes from. It comes from Japan or China

if you're... Oh, no, you meant... Yeah, you meant the stutter, you mean. Yeah, I don't know why. It's very embarrassing. Like, let's say we're out at sushi together. Yeah. And you ask me to pass you

something and... Yeah, yeah. Over there. I'll show you how embarrassing it is for me. Harlan, could you pass me an hour? Captain, please? Sure. Here you go. Yeah. Thank you. And would you like some sauce? No, if I wanted soy sauce, I would have asked for it. Would you like some soy sauce? Would you like some soy sauce? Don't say it's so easy. Don't be so cavalier. Oh, come on.

Why don't you ask me for some? Will? Yeah. You want a napkin? No, I was wondering if you could pass me the... S... Wow. That's what it's like going to sushi with you, my friend.

Oh, God. I can kill myself waiting for you to say soy sauce. Well, the other one I have trouble with is... Sexual intercourse. That one got you making pig noises. Yeah, I really have trouble with that one. Don't say it. But what if I want...

You could just say, I guess, just say intercourse. Oh. Yeah. Don't say sexual. Just say intercourse. And then, oddly enough, the third one. I would like some intercourse. I would like to have intercourse.

Yeah. Problem solved. There's probably a way around all of it. That stuff. Give me some of that brown juice. Pass me that brown bottle juice. Yeah. Give me some of that brown bottle sous juice.

Give me that tangy soot sauce. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And the last one is a toughie. It's, uh, do you ever go to a Taco Bell? Sure. I don't know why, but it's just this and intercourse.

Yeah. Thank you for that modification. And, uh, I'm so embarrassed. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Nacho Bel Grande.

That one specifically? I don't know why. Now that one sounded like a shitty little like 20 horsepower outboard motor or maybe some Tibetan throat singing. Yeah, it's very embarrassing. Yeah, it's four years. Someone isn't making fun of my affliction. I'm just saying it sounds like... Pairing me to a mercury outboard 9.4.

It sounds like a Tibetan throat singer in a little aluminum boat by himself out there with a, just again, yeah, a little 20-horsepower Yamaha. Well, see, now I'm going to feel self-conscious about going to Taco Bell. Yeah. Would you be willing to do a little... Nacho Bel Grande therapy with me. Sure. All right.

I'm driving through. It's three in the morning. Yeah. And you're the drive-through guy. Yeah. And maybe you can help me through this. Okay. Hi, welcome to Taco Bell.

Take your order. Hi. I'd like three tacos. Yeah. A mountain dew. Mountain Dew, what size? Medium. Okay, medium Mountain Dew, three talk talkies.

And chicken cassidia. Chicken cassidia. And some... Sorry, sir, I'm having some interference on my head set. Pardon me? I said I'm having some interference on my headset. It sounds like there's a Tibetan throat singer. Sir, I'm trying to order.

I'm trying to complete my order, sir. Pardon me. Sorry, go ahead. Three tacos, medium mountain dew, chicken cassidia. and one order of... There's that noise again. Sounds like someone's got a jigsaw. Natural Belgronde!

Sir, are you okay? Yeah, I think I just threw my ass out. Why don't you pull over into one of the spaces there and we'll bring it out once we figure out what that is? Okay, but I was, can I be honest with you, friend, even though I can't see you? Of course. I'm feeling vulnerable, and I have a stutter. And I really use a friendly voice right now.

Well, uh... I feel ashamed and humiliating. Yeah, well, here's your friendly voice. That'll be 1455 at the next window. Fuck you. Good. Wow. That's good.

Dude. Thank you. Hey, you're welcome. Thank you, tender tears. Tender tears. Hey, everybody. Check out my merchandise at Harbling.com. Yeah, most people just slap some letters or images on a t-shirt or a hoodie.

But not me. Yours truly. Guess what? I draw my own designs at Harbleng.com. can see tons of my hand-drawn t-shirts. You can either buy the original or you can buy a print. And man, oh man, wear them loud and proud. I love making these designs for you guys and keeping it personal. So check out the whole catalog. We got hoodies. We got coffee mugs. We got t-shirts. You name it. It's there at harbleng.com. Get your Harland original.

design, wearable art at harbling.com today and thank you for your support and I'll just keep the the groovy images coming. Now one thing you do my guy

that people love and I love, you do some of the best voices in the world and I'd maybe like to return Turn the favor. Please. If you could pick a favorite voice, like Arnold or Jesse or who would you like to go through the drive-through as? And let me be your drive-through window person to return the drive-thru therapy you just did for me.

Let's do. Let's do one that I never do. You know me. I know you. Have a look at me. Think of somebody that you've never seen me or anyone do an impression of. Oh. And see if I can do it. And we'll do that. Wow. Christopher Walkin? I've seen a lot of that. That's the problem of that. Oh, you want one that we've never seen. Yeah. Or that you've never, that you've never done? That I, well, yeah, but I mean, I don't do a whole shit ton or whatever. I'm not like a impression. I was going to say Arnold, but he's one of your goals. was one of the ones, yeah, did that, used to do that on Matthew, he'd do it on podcasts and stuff.

So not him? No, no, yeah, like somebody. Somebody freshy. Yeah, let's just, yeah, let's see. Oh, man. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. We'll probably spend half the podcast coming up with him. That's okay.

Okay. This is a creative space. Yeah, this is a creative space. Look at the books behind you. Yeah, there's books. We don't care. We're on our time, not there. The Harlan Highway is, it goes forever.

Yeah. or over two and a half years at this point. I figure if I can stutter for 20 minutes, we can certainly take our time to find. Oh, you know what? Here I'll go. Oh, here we go. Here's one that I do really horribly.

Okay. That I used to think this was funny. Okay. I remember sometimes I would hang out with friends and we would like watch a movie together. We used to have this traditional like watching a, you watch a shitty movie. Yeah.

And we would like at some point, and we would like, you know, smoke some marijuana and start giggling, right? Okay. I'm saying that to say this is so stupid, but must have only been funny because I was, well, it's not really a drug. You just admitted you did drugs. Well, it's from the first. The cameras are rolling. Yeah, but I don't do.

Dude, those aren't hard drugs. Dude, you do drugs. I heard it. Okay, but I haven't smoked marijuana in a long, long time, actually. But at any rate, but I did, and it's, I'm an adult. Kids, don't, don't fuck with that. More like an addict. Good.

Got them. And we'd order pizza. okay and I would this was the dumbest bit of all time but I thought it was fucking hilarious where I would order the pizza as Ray Romano oh yeah

from everyone loves Raymond from everybody yeah did everyone love him because I hated his guts his older brother didn't Brad Garrett's character so there's two of us I hate his I hated his guts

okay I don't really have an opinion and then Brad Garrett so bad like Brad Garrett I'm a loving kind gentle generous person I love everybody. You're a tender friender, one would say.

I'm a tender friender. I hated Raymond's guts. Him. Just him? Yeah. And every time I saw that, everyone loves Raymond. Oh, God. It just incited rage.

I was just like in my root cellar, cleaning my Glock and thinking, what's this guy's address? Right. What's this Raymond guy's address? Because I don't love him. Maybe everyone else does. I'd like to splatter his head all over a wall. That would have been a good, like, guest star for you. be like the neighbor

like Raymond's neighbor who was a star I'm not fucking around I hated that I hated Raymond yeah yeah well that's a different show I'm sorry everyone else loves him

I hate the fucking guy and that could have spun off into your own show like that character would have had his own show oh one episode show yeah that's a moneymaker yeah just a show

I really hated him I hate Raymond I hate it but hate his guts I hate Raymond's guts violently hate him everybody loves Raymond but me I hate his guts. That might be too long for a title.

How about everybody I ram my cyber truck through Raymond's house and smash him against the wall and splatters and testines all over his family? I think America's ready for it. I know I am. A lot of people like that show. This is a hot take. Hot podcast take.

That's what you need for a podcast. Hot takes. All right. So Ray Romano, and this is your drive-through therapy. Are there any issues that you, you need to sort of cleanse out of your system that you could inject into your drive-through therapy? I don't know anything about Ray Romano.

But no, you personally, channeling. As Ray Romano. Oh, I thought I was going to be like the way, like, oh, my brother, you know. Yeah, you're going to be doing them, but is there a way, you helped me through my stutter. Right. Is there anything going on in your life that maybe needs a little tweak or a little adjustment that you could now kind of clear the palate doing drive-through therapy? Yeah.

I mean, you know, we've touched on it briefly, but it's always, it's a lifelong thing for me to, like, you know, stay away from the butter sandwich, stay away from Chick-fil-A, weight. Well, yeah, I've always been, you know, I'll go up and down. And what better place to talk about your weight than at a drive-thru? Yeah, so maybe I'm regretting going through the drive-thru. Let's not waste it here. Let's get into some drive-thru therapy. Are you ready?

Yep. Hello, welcome to... Why? Sorry, yeah, good, good. All right. Oh, my God. But what the, why did, I get the devil thing, but... This is the drive-thru lady.

Why is the drive-thru lady sound like Lisa Simpson? You sound like Yardley Smith. Well, welcome to TV land, Raymond. So it's... Welcome to the Simpsons. By the way, we did a lot better than you on Thursday night, so fuck off, real person. You sound exactly like... Well, you sound a lot like Ray Romano.

Oh, I'm not even doing it yet. Well, I hear it. Okay, well, that's why I'm saying. It's not one of my best. Okay. It's not one of my good ones. I think we're getting off on the wrong foot. This is supposed to be therapeutic, not confrontational.

So I'm, I'm me, but I'm... You're Ray Romano. Yeah, I'm Ray Romano. Hi, Ray. Welcome to Wendy's. How can we help you? Oh, thanks. Yeah, I'm Ray Romano. Hi, Ray. How are you? Let me get, you go by those hamburgers with cheese on them, what are you called those?

The Baconator? Yeah. Do you like bacon? Who doesn't? That's the problem, Lisa. Let me tell you something. You're in these burgers. They're square instead of round.

Right. We're into shapes. You know, one of our first customers was Pablo Picasso, and he just loves odd shapes, especially with meat. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah. You know, my older brother comes over to the house a lot. Oh, boy. And my parents, they live across the street or something.

And my wife, you know, she's always got something to say and it just makes me want to eat a cheesecake. Does she have square breasts? No, she's got the round ones. Okay, maybe try the square ones. All right, let me get a... Yes, please go ahead. We're here to serve you.

Let me get a baconator. Yeah, baconator. large, large, super large fries. Large fries, let me get the, what are you got, the cherries Jubilee? What do you got? Yeah, we can do that for you. We don't have it, but we'll whip that fucking thing. What kind of desserts you got?

What kind of sugary traits? We'll just take one of our helpers here and maple glazer and throw her in the oven. All right, and, um, small, small, small, small, small. Vanilla shake. Raymond? Yeah. I'm detecting a little sorrow and sadness in your voice. Is everything okay?

No, Lisa, it's not. Oh my goodness, what's going on? I shouldn't be here. What? This is Wendy's, home of the hot and juicy. I know, but I'm fat, and I went to hell because of being fat and running over a lady by the Chick-fil-A. Oh, I'm so sorry.

And I shouldn't be eating this food. I should be in Europe, having a butter sandwich, looking at the Mona Lisa. Mona Lisa. Oh, Mona Lisa. No, I barely know her. You're so funny. You know, instead of here eating, you fat, you fun fellow, you should have a sitcom on television. Have you ever thought about that?

Oh, here we go. And is that it? Are we out? No, because you're still doing the Lisa Simpson. Oh, yeah. Okay. So would you like a cookie with that? Why don't you do that for the rest of the podcast and all sound like Ray Romano?

That way if people just start listening now, they're like, what the fuck is going on? How come Lisa Simpson? It's Yardley Smith sitting in for Holland Hot on the Holland Highway, and they got Ray Romano. If we did that, remember how we were doing this earlier? Everyone would do it for real. Yeah, you know. I'd go a long way back with Holland. Yeah.

Yeah. Played a lot of the same rooms. Would you like a cookie with that, Raymond? Yeah, I'll take a cookie. You got the box, or you got the one soft cookie. We'll give you the whole box. Yeah, I'll actually give you the key to the Chips Ahoy factory. Why don't you drive up to Cleveland and just fucking start feasting humanity?

I know. I'm going to be in Cleveland. I'm going to be at the mic and store in Cleveland. Oh. I'm going to be up there. Just, you know, working on some new stuff. Sure do you like to talk a lot. Do you think you could just drive through?

You're the other one who fucking went on about shapes. I'm not fucking Satan, all right? Just drive through. You were just talking about shapes. I'm Ray Romano. Every once in a while I have to say, I'm Ray Romano. Or I'll start losing it. Start going into other impressions.

I'm Ray Romano. I can do it too. Lisa Simpson doing Ray Romano. What are they on season? 30-something. They'll get there soon. Lisa does impressions. Can I ask you a question now that we've had a moment to chit-chat?

Yeah, anything. Would you like a cookie with that? I would like. I told you I want a cookie. I said that. I said, clearly, I said, I'm Ray Romano. Give me a cookie. How about a lobster?

I'll take a lobster. I'll take a lobster. You got the lobster roll, one of those specials rolling out during the fall. Lobster. Mona Lisa She likes Oh fuck Oh geez

So soy sauce with that No I don't want soy sauce on my cookie Geez How about some Sexual intercourse I'm impressed that you got that out Drive through please Wow

Do you feel better? I do feel a little better It is good to talk about it Right You know what Here's something that doesn't fucking help It doesn't matter at all because I'm still a chubby.

You know, I have not gone through a food drive-thru in 13 years. Why? Because, you know, look, now, you know, it's like if you're, if it's late at night and you're being a, you know, and you're, you know, you're being a little naughty and you're like, you know, back in the day or whatever, I didn't be driving home from something. Let me just drive through the delt taco. They give you like a, it's like a 30-ounce cup full of fries. I remember.

I don't know if they don't... In a cup? The Del Taco fries came in a cup. And weren't they crinkle fries? Yes. Oh. Yeah. It really...

It's like you're really doing something naughty. It's like... It's like the McCain... No, we're both originally from Canada, so we know about the McCain super fries. The crinkle fries, yeah. Right. So it's like someone made the delicious McAin Crinkle fries from your youth

and put them in a fucking super big gulp. It's naughty. Yeah. And it's like you sit there in the in the drive-thru, and you look. listen to a podcast or so you watch a YouTube video and you just eat fries. And so I was like, oh, I'm not going to go through drive-thrus anymore. That'll help me get better at eating. And did it? To the degree that you would, you know, cut out that specifically. But unfortunately,

for me, there are plenty more things to eat and more ways to eat. It's kind of like the monkeys. Would this be, this might be offensive, but I'm going to, I'm going to say it, because we're tight, we're ripe, we're buds. Yeah. And it's real. Yeah. Comedy. Yeah. Movies, TV, entertainment, funny. Yeah.

As you said, girthy. Yeah. When I've seen girthy people in the past lose the girth. Yeah. I hate to say it, but a lot of times they lose the funny. Like John Candy got thin once, and I was like, no. Are you talking about John Goodman? No, John Candy.

John Candy was, there was a little bit where he went thinned down and I was like, no, it wasn't for very long, but he did do it at one point. Are you talking like early in his career? No, he was girthy on Second City, got famous, did Uncle Buck and that, and then he did a little stint where he thinned down. I don't remember that. It was very brief. How brief was like, it was brief?

Like a week or so, okay. It was, but I was just like, no. No. And then Rebel Wilson just did it. The Australian actor. Now she's trying to look beautiful and good for her. Not that you're not beautiful when you're big, but she's trying to be like all modally. And I think you lose some of the funny. So don't be funny anymore. I know, but do you, does that become a thing with you? Like I want, I can't picture a thin Chris Farley being funny. I, well, I don't know whether or not, you know, or whatever. I'm sure he could have done all sorts of shit had he, stuck around. But that physicality, that that volume just added to his hilarity. If he was as thin as me, would you buy it?

Chris Farley himself used to say, fatty falls down, everyone goes home happy. Right. But, no, I understand. Well, I've kind of gone up and down. Like I lost a shit ton of weight once where I was quite thin. This was years and years ago. Yeah. And then, because I used to be, I used to be really, really, well, whatever, I was pretty damn big.

Yeah. When I first showed up on Mad TV, I was 450 pounds. No, you weren't. Yes, I was. Not is big. I looked like a 300-pounder. Yeah. But it's just the truth is, like, I'm a meaty fellow also.

Yeah. You carry it well. So I have a lot of weight on me, but I just looked like, you know, a fat guy. And then I lost 200 pounds in a year. Just literally, like, it was nuts. I found this incredible trainer. I started working out two and three times a day. I got extremely strict with food, and I was young.

I was 24, and 24 to 25, I lost 100 pounds. I took some, the last six months, I took some hydroxy cut. You remember that shit? The last six months now? No, the last six months of that when you're doing that. Because I had that brown fat. I was like, I need a little help. Oh, wow.

So the, which had like a phedron in it, which the FDRAN. has banned for over 20 years, really bad for you. Don't take it. It's like speed. And then I lost the rest of the weight. And then I had to have two surgeries to remove skin from my body. Oh, wow. Like flaps? Yeah, I had a big old beef curtain down there. Oh, wow. A panace, as they call it. So I had an appendectomy. And then I had a, they moved my nipples up and they cut out. No way. Yeah, I have scars here. And yeah, I have. I have. I had a lot of, I had to have the, I had to have the skin surgery. Did you ever pull the flap out and put your laptop on it and use it as a table?

You could actually pull it out a bit and like shove the remote control under it and walk around and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You could hide things in. Have fun with it. Well, at that point, at that point, like, you know, flying in and out, you could hide things in it when you're flying before the surgery. And you kind of miss it. It's like, you know. You ever get in a wind and it slaps you in your face? It knocks you off your tandem bicycle?

Absolutely. Wow. Well, you know what I wanted? I told the plastic surgeon, I said, can I have all of the skin? Because I would like to make a throw pillow with the date of the surgeries. Oh, wow. And he was very confused by that because he's a serious surgeon. He's like, well, you know, the pathology costs are included in my rate.

Yeah. Unlike most plastic surgeon, because I'm also a thoracic surgeon. I was like, all right. Oh. Forget I asked. So we worked on dinosaurs? Yeah. and then I gained some weight back

and pretty much since then I've kind of floated around three bills little over 300, a little under 300. You carry it well. You look more athletic then and I don't even want to say obese. You look athletic. I think right now I'm a little bit lower.

I'm a little bit lower. See, this is the thing. And this is the thing that gets in your head and you've got to be careful because it's a lot of body dysmorphia. Yeah. So long as you're healthy, you can do the things that you want to do,

Yeah. We go for, I go for, I love going for long, long-ass walks and hikes. My wife and I walk forever. I like, I go to the gym, I lift weights and stuff. So long as you can do everything. You're great. So long as you're not wheezing it at night. Yeah.

You sound like you have the devil filter on, you know, or something like that. Yeah. When you're just trying to sleep, you don't have like some sort of horrible apnea and you're not making, you know, stutter pig noises. Yeah. And you're trying to say soy sauce, shit like that. Right. Yeah.

Little weird. Yeah. Stuff like that. then you're fine everyone you're fine feel healthy so I shouldn't like be so obsessed with oh I gotta lose weight for the way that I look but I am

and this is the tender friender thing yeah it's real but I'm here to tell you I think you look great Cheers yeah I would even likewise thank you I would even love to see you move the nipples around more like I'd love to see them on your back

on your scapulas that would be fun could you move them like that far Well, I also asked the guy, a buddy of mine, had a suggestion. He's like, when you go in there and you ask for the throw pillow. He was true. I was like, I wanted a throw pillow. He's like, no. I said, well, can I also just do it?

Because they got a poke. Here's what they do. They cut the hang in, you're hanging meat. Yeah, you're hanging meat. They cut it off. And then they got to connect the tissue that was like up here on your stomach to the now, to your pubis area. And they have to, they poke a new. belly button and then they connect it to what was your umbilical cord which is just a little

piece of skin that goes back into your stomach right or past your past your muscles your stomach muscles you know Jeffrey Dahmer's watching this right now getting aroused in hell right now thinking about yeah he's in hell but yeah he's watching it just thinking of onion rings and other Oh, yeah, just a flesh throw pillow? Yeah, oh, oh, put some fucking mayonnaise on that. Good Lord. Dip that and just, oh, no. Dude, what are you trying to say?

Oh, no. Will. Oh, no. Studio. Oh, well. My friend said, you should ask the doctor if you could go, no nipples, no belly button. Yeah. And he said, and again, he was like, well, technically, yes, is that the, I was like, no,

What if I want that? Or I wouldn't do that. Okay. You're no fun. Do we even need a belly button? To me, it looks like a second anus. Like, have you ever tried to poo out of your belly button? It takes hours.

All the time, my friend. Oh, God. It's really hard to do. It takes about eight hours to pass a loaf. And it takes a long time. It's so edifying when it fucking happens. I know. But God.

A fucking big old fucking toilet. It's like a backup anus, yeah. You just lay down, you plank on your toilet. Yeah, you lay on your toilet. your feet on the sink and your head on the towel rack and you just for like yeah half a day it takes forever if you're really constipated you can always poop out of your belly button you can always poop out of it the worst thing is when you have diarrhea from your belly button oh that's the worst oh yeah just gets everywhere you're almost like a sprinkler like one of those water wiggles

yeah you don't when you got like it's like there's nothing worse you're on vacation you know you're at the beach you're wearing you know you got your you're your your your fancy drink with a parasol in it, you're wearing a nice linen shirt, you just bought it the gift shop, and you get diarrhea in your belly button. Belly buttinria. It just ruins the shirt, ruins everyone's day, spilling all into the sand and shit. Nothing worse. Stay away from the fucking shrimp, the Camerone. Yeah. Something happened. It's a little peeked today. It was better yesterday, and there you are just shitting your belly button in the ocean. Wow. And then some nice little waves. It's fucking crystal clear. Wow. And it just goes right into it.

a family playing by the shore. Nothing more embarrassing than your belly diarrhea going into someone's a little cute kids. Bellyria. Bellyria. Glad we brought that up. Yeah, Bellyria. Not a lot of podcasts. Talk about that.

No. Not enough. Speaking of the beach and vacations, it's summer. Yeah. Anything happening this summer? Any beautiful summer things? You know, we just got, my wife and I just got back from Italy. We're in Italy.

Oh, wow. What part? We're in Napoli. Napoli, yeah. Napoli. Oh, my God. Best food in the world. They're the best food in the fucking world.

Yes, absolutely. Do you love summer? I do. I do. I get a little hot. You know, again, you know, I'm a little, we're talking about it. Get a little chubby. Sometimes, you know what I brought to Italy, to Napoli?

I brought nothing but like Wiccaway shirts, like Columbia fishing shirts. Oh, wow. Because it's so humid and hot. Yeah. You just, you just, I just, I sweat like a, I sweat like a fucking pig. Yeah. And then sometimes what I'll do is I'll bring another shirt and then I'll scoot, this is disgusting.

I'll like have like a shirt on and I'm talking just starts getting soaked. Yeah. And I'll just scoot around a corner in a nice little, you know, one of those nice little cobblestone garage, a little alleyway. Yeah. And I'll just take the shirt up and literally just wring it out. And put that in the fucking bag all gross and put on a new shirt. Oh, God.

Or, fuck it. Just walk around without a shirt. Because nothing screams, look at this big American asshole. Yeah. And I go, oh, I was born in Canada. Yeah. No, look at this big American asshole. And then I say, yo, you know, like,

oh, family me, son a Napolitano. Oh, sangra son a Napolitan. Because my parents are from Napoli. Oh, yeah. I'm a napolean guy by blood. but my skin must be very Canadian because I get real hot. Oh, yeah. And I sweat like a pig.

Well, I figure, buddy, if you're going to go to all the trouble to have your nipples moved, I think the world should see them. So I would walk around shirtless, too. I love to walk around shirtless. And when people give me looks, I give them right back. Yeah. I stare for longer. I give them the drive by.

Yeah. Just walk by, squeeze your tit a little. Is this what you want? It's up here. Oh, right. You can move it right to your side. scapula? Where, what is the scapula? It's in the shoulder blade.

Oh, it's that, okay. Yeah, it's that, like, kind of... It would be, that would be trippy to be like, someone walking by, like, look at this fat fuck, not wearing a shirt, and he's ruining my vacation. I'm just trying to enjoy some calamari or some eggplant parmesan, and here comes this fucking beast, and they're laughing at you. Then they, you get past them, and they see the two nipples on your back, and they're what? And that's a fun way to trick people. That's a good way. It's almost like a flip-off. Yeah. Yeah, it's like an... Areola off.

Yeah. Yeah. I would also like to have my two middle fingers taken off and put into my scapula. Yeah. And they just go like that. Double. I'm missing middle fingers. Quadriple flip off.

Yeah. I'm missing middle fingers so I can constantly be like, hey, rock and roll, right? Rock and roll. Speaking of summer, buddy, because I love the summer. Yeah? Did you have you gone anywhere? Well, I did. and I wrote a little

summer poem for you. Oh, if you don't mind. Please. Because it's just, I feel like it's in the air. Yeah. You went on a trip and it's summery and I wrote in my cinnamon journal a special summer poem for you and I'd love to read it as we sort of close out

here. I hope there's no no S words in your stuff. No, I stayed very summer poem. My summer cinnamon Journal. You get a different one each season, right? Yeah.

Yeah, summer is... Nothing says summer like a fucking cinnamon roll. Hot fucking cinnobon. Just a gooey cinnabon in a fucking box from the mall. Nothing says summer like a... Nothing says summer. I'm Ray Ramona. Oh, wow.

You know, I'm not Satan. You don't have to do this to me. Now for a limited time only at Cineubon Nothing says summer Hey, I'm Ray Romano Hello, I'm Ray Romano Nothing says summer like a gooey, warm cinnamon bun That's why Cinebond

Has your new two-for-one Cinebond Everybody loves Raymond and Cinebonds special And this is why I hate Raymond All this shit All the cinnamon talk Oh, he's constantly Hawking cinnamon

In any way that he can Put a little cinnamon on your door On your doorway And that way the ants won't come in A little cinnamon there Do the cinnamon challenge You can't have a A tablespoon of it

You choke it up on Instagram To be funny You've got fever, bro You got Romano fever You can't stop it, can you? I can't, man I'm gonna be driving home after this beer I'm Ray Ramano.

Hong Kong. I'm Ray Romano. Yeah. You're jammed. It's a lot of fun. Like I said, this is a bit that, for me. Hi, I'm Ray Romano. I'd like to order a pizza.

And they go, oh, really? Or they go, yeah, what would you like? Yeah. Let me get a large, large Mediterranean. And let me get the meat lovers, medium meat. You want a personal meat lover. and I'm Ray Romano. Are you familiar with my show?

Yeah, no, I know. You're all right. What's your address? I'm bupapapida, boo. I'm Ray Romano. It's fun. And then when they deliver the pizza, I would be upstairs at my buddy's place

and he would answer the door. I'm Ray Romano, I'm here. I'm just upstairs. And this was a bit that I enjoyed. My friends didn't think it was very funny. What else would Ray say? Nobody else would think. it was funny. A lot of the times he would just say, I'm Ray Romano. I'm Ray Romano. I'm Ray Romano.

Stoned. Buddy's stoned. Like, it's not funny, dude. This is not a good one, Will. We don't need that. See what I mean? A lot of people don't think it's, a lot of people don't think it's necessarily the funniest thing. For some reason. I bet Ray Romano does what would Ray say about it? You'd say, hey, that's a good bit. Maybe keep that one. around, say it around your friends, smoking a little marijuana, watching a movie, you know. What's the new movie, watching a Fast and Furious, you know, have a pizza? What are you guys doing? Smoking a pawn?

What are you doing? Watching a Pixar? Stone guys. I'm Ray Romano. That's what he would say. My brother's tall. Brad Garrett's taller than me. is it all

Doris Roberts and anyway sorry yeah I think that's I think that was did you get it all is there any

is there any left not right now okay I'd like to read my summer poem I'm so being very rude no you're not this is therapy I'm glad we're getting it out

and I think you know a nice summer poem for the folks and for you please summer poem from my friend Will Sassau for my cinnamon journal And it's all about summer It's all about to make you feel summery

Summer glant Bant glant A hummingbird drifts Delegante blant Lickety lick The butterfly kiss Guntleblunt The crickets do gunt

Children giggle Wiggly-giggle gunt Toss around a beach ball Gunt de la blunt Swiss affle-toppy and fudgy stink ice cream Sunsets and raspberries Crumpets and blueberry

Guntz Gunt de la font Summertime blunt Pick your nose stupid and sniff your face Glunt lickety-lick-Gunt that's really fucking good thanks yeah can I see that for a second

yeah I think I know what's about to happen oh here we go no you don't no you don't summer glunt bunt glunt a hummingbird drifts de la gunt licked the blunt

lick the butterfly kiss guntle blunt the crickets do gunt Children giggle, wiggly, giggly, gunt, toss around a beach ball, gunt de la blonde, Swiss apple toffee and fudge stink ice cream, sunsets and raspberry crumpets and blueberry gunts, gunt, du lafunt, summertime blunt, pick your nose, stupid, and sniff your face, glunt, lickety lick, gunt. That's really, I really, really like it a lot. I like it a lot. I know. It's really good. almost infectious. Yeah. That's good. How long have you been writing poetry? A long time since Suzanne Summers passed away. Yeah, like seven or eight years then. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. She sort of stopped writing poetry and I sort of just picked it up. This is the kind of dark

energy, dark arts that we're talking about. Someone passes away. Their love of poetry is alive in you. will sassau our final segment you know it words from a wooden shoe you reach in pull out a word see if it inspires a story from your journey and share it with our nine or ten viewers home repair

here we go talk to me home repair yeah what do you got guy uh oh well uh recently we actually did some stuff to the house and my wife was complaining we had a long back and forth about our my sectional couch that has been with me for uh had been with me for over 20 years whoa yeah imagine the stuff behind those seat cushions mostly snot oh um and uh yeah it was like a I loved it

cowhide like really oh yeah worn in lived in but kind of ass like farty like my spot was was pretty well worn out and we did some nice things to our home and so you know my wife Molly was like well you gotta get rid of the couch yeah and it was just emotional I was like I don't think so it's perfect it's perfect for this room I actually had it made some time ago yeah to the dimensions of what we got going on here it's the perfect sit down watch TV, watch a movie. And, and, uh, and, uh, but yeah, there was the fart parts, you know, like the fartiest part part was where I sat on the far right side.

And, uh, that, that was really just dusted away. Just, uh, the cowhide was no match for my asshole. Oh. Just, just like flipped up and floppy and yeah, like a, just a belly button diarrhea kind situation like we were talking about. Skid mark central. Yeah. Just, and just worn and ripped. Yeah.

And I was like, let's replace this cushion. that cushion let's replace all the cushions let's restuff them let's do all that stuff and uh instead i actually had to say goodbye to my old couch let's have a look at the clip yeah sorry i didn't sorry uh there's no sorry sorry sorry about that i just got a little confused sorry too sucked me in but uh i thought there was a clip yeah me too i was sitting here looking around that's what i was waiting for like wait what yeah i thought that would that at any weird uh we got a new We got at the end of the story is that we had to get a new couch. In amongst all the other nice things.

Yeah, yeah. Because my wife was like, this and all, new, it looks beautiful. Yeah. It's lovely. You can't have the old farty-ass couch. How long have you had your couch? Oh, you know what? It's probably at that ripe age where I should get probably about 12 years.

Ah. Yeah. When furniture smells, it's time to go. When you don't have to bend over and put your face in the ass, of your couch and go shit then it's time to go when you walk in the room

there's that thing of people they walk in the room if you've been farting it up they can smell it but you can't because you're used to it you're immune to it when your furniture smells

like a COA campground outhouse it's time to go yeah where it's like I understand the fart smell but where are these chemicals coming from you've got so much your farts are literally

melting the the urethanes, like the microplastics inside the couch cushion, the springs are melting down. Putrid. The aluminum inside the stitching. Stink. At that point, you might as well just bend down and stick your nose in your own belly button, sniff. Yeah, and sniff, right after a nacho Bella Grande. What did you call it?

I can't say it. That's right. Sorry. I didn't mean to rub that in. And, yeah, it's, that's when you got to get rid of a couch. When you walk into a room and you go, oh, who just loaded a fucking diaper up with adult shit? Yeah. That might be turned.

Love seat, yeah. And we got a new couch. And it's, you know what the selling point was for her? It didn't stink? Well, it does not smell like my butt. But now, also the other cool thing is it's a bit bigger. So that's why I was like, this is a nice compromise. All the more room to soil it.

It's a bit wider. Yeah. You can really spread out on it and fart it up. You will. And I have. It's been a lot of fun so far. Wow. And the other good thing is that it's not cowhide anymore.

It's like, it's like, it's actually the, it's this really forgiving material that you can like, one of those things where you can spill a fucking wine. It'll dribble off. Like shamwow? Something like that. The sham wow coach. Yeah, like the shamwow guy. And so I have been, you know, just launching SBDs into the fucker, but you can't hear it.

Because on the leather couch, you'd get a good brap going to wear and wrap as you'd fart, because it would just reverbering. Right. But the cushion is almost sucking the gas out of your... It's going all the way through the thing, through the thing, down to the floor. Dude. IKEA, how about I smell you? Folks.

You said it. Will Sassau has been here today. Will, before you go, tell the fine folks where they can see you, where they can get your social media, where they can see you do shows. I'm only on, I really only do Instagram at Will Sassau on Instagram. Okay. And then we are going into the second season of a program on CBS called Georgie and Mandy's First Marriage. Yes.

I would appreciate you tuning in. Yeah. It's good stuff. Thursday nights. Check it out, guys. And, uh, you know, that's it. Hey, did you hear that Elon Musk is trying to get, bring Vine back? No.

Remember Vine? You were, you were like one of the breakout stars on that. I enjoyed, if Vine had a breakout star. Yeah, you were at. Why'd you stop the music? I thought we were just, it's the bonus. Yeah, anyway, he won't do it. He won't do it.

No, we got to start the song over. Well, you got, I'm at, I'm at, I'm only really on Instagram and this is the, Yeah, the music. Hey, you know. Hey, yeah. Come on, come on down. To Vine. Come on down.

Hollywood and Vine. I probably won't. I don't know if I'll do the new. You will. You got to. That was a long time ago. Yeah. No one wants to see like a 50-year-old dude.

Yeah. Doing launching one. No one wants the old couch. They want the new one. Let's do the new couch. Yeah. The new couch thing. Well, fuck.

Doodzy is no longer. Don't check that out. That's gone. You can not watch that. Doodzy's gone. But Will's still here. I'm here. And, well, thanks for being here, buddy.

And he'll be back again soon. But until next time, folks, chicken chowmaine from the Holland Highway podcast. Does Ray want to say goodbye? This is one of those long moments that podcasts need more of. Oh, boy, here he goes. Silent, just silent times. Silent, but deadly. Hey, gang, are you craving more Harland Williams?

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