The Headgum Podcast - 112: Gash Cab

Episode Date: July 22, 2022

Jake and Amir join Geoff to discuss Luke Bryan, summer salads, and yonis! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. The delayed bomb drop. Right. Be as quick with the bomb as you are with that one. The problem is there's a delay on the bomb drop. So when I click it, it already has like two beats and then it drops. Do you upload these sounds yourselves?

Yeah, I could. I could, I could, I could. It does have quite an effect, though. I like it because it's like it's a two part sort of effect, which is like mouth agape. Wait one second. And then the bomb drop. And it's only because I couldn't figure out the auction. How do you guys define art?

Weird. In person. Because this obviously isn't it. Yeah. The pillow thing was weird, but I feel like this is a bad energy for an in-person record, which is rare. This is fun. Yeah. And it's supposed to be exciting.

No, I'm having a good time. No, you're not. How do you define art? Yeah. No, I'm saying how do you get, because it's art subjective yeah how do you define art to me art is i guess any creative expression so it could be video could be audio could be you know painting could be spoken word could be a podcast it feels like you had an agenda for like amir was answering the question and you were like on his fucking heels you wanted to interrupt the agenda was the means like i have no end that i'm trying to get to okay

uh what i i'm trying to like lead you guys to saying this is art okay otherwise you're you're you want us to say that this podcast is art? You're not curious about our opinions about anything. You just need to hear that your podcast is art. I'd also like to hear your opinions before we get to that conclusion. Art can be bad, so this could be bad art. Yeah. Art is subjective. Is that gum on your laptop? Well, I didn't have time to toss it.

Just loosely on the side of the trackpad. If you're watching on YouTube, comment below if you think this is art. 48 minutes of silence. You're in LA. Yeah. You got a haircut. Yeah.

What else is new? I have a wrist brace. Okay, what happened? You're always injured. This is the tendonitis that I was talking to you guys about. You really would think Amir would be the one who's physically fragile. Yeah.

But also you take less risks. That's true. Jake does more, so he's more prone to being hurt. I think I'm actually pretty sturdy for the amount that I do. And all I have is tendonitis. I mean, that's pretty- Well, you also have tinnitus. Yes, I have tinnitus.

Ringing in the ears. Yeah. And I have a slipped disc. That's kind of unrelated to anything you do. You just slept weirdly or something. Yeah, I still have no idea what caused it. That's really frustrating. Yeah, but it's feeling better already.

I took a blood test last week. I have a high bilirubin. That's not good. That's really dangerous. It was bile. Over time, yeah. What is it? Liver disease.

Liver thing. I'm imminent imminent is this true uh not the liver disease part i hope but it's it was one of the um results that were like flagging for being too high yeah how did you know about that did you get that no my my mom oh really yeah health issues i i feel bad now because i sort of like have been experimenting with black magic i went down to to New Orleans The dark arts. To wish you ill and make it thus. Didn't you have a voodoo doll?

Yeah, I did. Of my liver. I forgot about that. It was like, I meant to make like a puppet because there's like some episode you can make it on and I was going to like, you know, be like I'm a puppet. You know, like I would have nailed it. But what ended up happening was I realized that i kind

of pricked it and then you texted me you were like i have high bilirubin where did you hit it in the liver yeah yeah it was so instant yeah but yeah i guess it's uh could be not a big deal or it could be like an indication of a bigger deal so i guess if i should pass away in the not too distant future just let it know that early on in my tenure of being 39 plus i had high billy rubin so maybe that's something you can look into if it's a mysterious right and the autopsy yeah okay um i do you think how many people do you think comes to your funeral oh i don't want it to be a big deal. Right. Are you saying that's like time for your own answer? Well, you're not really in charge

once you're dead. I would fucking blow it up. Yeah. Because I need to do something. Excuse me if this is a little uncouth. I haven't said anything. I didn't interrupt you. I need my income

to go up from that. Do you know what I mean? So you want to commercialize it. Amir's death absolutely drives Patreon subscribers. Yeah. I turn the whole thing into like an in memoriam of him. Brought to you by like Talago.

Right. Yeah. Seltzer water. I'd monetize your death. So in that way, the funeral would be a partay. Yeah. Live streamed. Yeah.

You'd have to be a subscriber to attend. To attend. That's cool. There'd be different tiers. Excuse me. There'd be different tiers. Excuse me. There'd be different tiers. Excuse me. Tiers for the funeral.

If you want to sit in a- Tiers for tears. You actually monetize the tears. Right. If you want to cry, you have to be on the master level. Eulogize the bitch for $100 a month starting now. Oh, that's awesome. That's really smart.

Thanks. We should fake my own death, actually. Yeah, but then I'd have to split the money with you. Yeah, and that's fraud. That's the other thing. It's fraud. And you're a fraud. That's my other fear, is that how do you get people to pay?

Because I feel like people would want to pay just to be like, oh, Jake's putting on this funeral. Right. That's awesome. Yeah. That's pretty choice. Right. The issue being the subject is still this. It's still him.

I think it's think that's interesting. Not really. You guys are making really vague small talk. So it wasn't interesting. I don't even remember what he said before. Do you? At this juncture, no. She.

Or whatever the fuck. I don't know. Yeah, you're in charge of the thing let's see what we have prepared we do have um we do have something that uh you said uncouth and that was a little bit of a checkoff's gun because I think I've prepared what might be the most uncouth bit ever on this show. Jesus, really? It's for later. You've prepared some very uncouth bits. I believe once we were talking about like our fetishes.

Yeah. Yeah. So how many people we've slept with, how much money we have, a lot of cash. You dox a lot of people. He slept with 17. Is that true?

Probably not. I don't know if it's higher or lower. The odds of it nailing it like that are 1 in 12. 12 was the number. Yes, 12 is the number. Let's go into our bond of the week.

I always forget about this dumbass segment i'll go ahead and do a self-bond me why i think i have what it takes i like fast cars and fast women i sorry slow cars i think i know a British accent then, mate You drive an SUV and you're married Yeah, but I have my proclivities Is every bond British? They don't have to be But it goes out to at least be able to do the accent then

Yeah, I guess There was a Scottish bond Roger Moore's. But I think it's time they had a Bond from Connecticut. That's cool. Yeah. Once my wrist heals, then I think I could definitely be James Bond. Right, that's my issue.

Because he has to wear a- Daniel Craig did a lot of his own stunts, and I'm worried- He has to wear a watch. Because if you get a sprained wrist, that halts production. Totally. $200 million. He can't even shake someone's hand without feeling the pain. I can shake right hands.

I see. Yeah, you can do it on the left. And actually, I could do the whole movie with just my left arm off screen. That's pretty good. Anyway, me is my Bond of the Week. Would you want to be the villain in that movie? I would watch that. Oh, that's funny.

Sort of like a Bond comedy of sorts. You have a cat on your lap, it bites you. That's cute. Yeah. An Inspector Gadget style reboot. Yeah. I would probably go Matthew Broderick if we're staying in the Inspector Gadget sphere. Oh, that's cool. Matthew Bondrick.

That's good. Yeah. Something like that. So it's like Skyfall, No Time to Die or whatever, and then Matthew Bondrick. So that would be the name of the rest. Yes, it would be Gadget slash Bond, which Inspector Gadget is kind of a James Bond style. Also, he has killed somebody. Yes, that's right. In real life. So I feel like he has killed somebody.

Yeah. Although, I don't think Bond kills anybody. Does he? Does? Yes, all the time. You're thinking of Batman. Batman doesn't kill anyone. So it is. Yeah. Batman he? Does? Yes, all the time. Batman. Batman doesn't kill anyone. That's what it is. Yeah. Batman has one rule. Let's get one of the Stranger Things kids in there.

Gaten Matizano or whatever. That's cool. A 14-year-old Bond. Maybe he's young. He could do a bunch of them, you know? He could do 60. That's smart. That's smart.

They really shouldn't be hiring like another what how old was daniel craig when they hired him he's kind of older right i think he was like 40 yeah 40 yeah no he's got to be older than me when he first did james bond no skyfall or fucking casino royale i'm as old as james bond it doesn't feel right i'll say 46 do you think james bond ever has like high bilirubin? No way. Or like fucking. He takes medicine for that, I bet.

Yeah. Yeah. He's on a statin for sure. Right. Lowering his. Wow. What if Bond has Gilbert syndrome? I don't know what that is.

That's what it's called when you have elevated bilirubin. Gilbert syndrome. I'm actually due for a physical. I wonder how my Billy Rubin is. Probably good. It's cool because it just sounds like a friend of yours. Like, how's my Billy Rubin? Jeff Rubin's son.

Yeah, exactly. Billy Rubin. You looking for the applause? Take your time. Yeah. Careful of the gum. Scrolling, scrolling. It's funny to see how the sausage is made i have access nice that should be easier for you to find no i know where that one was but

i was wondering if i might hit him with an up go up aside very good i feel like you there's so many on this board that i never use right you have to only need that bottom two rows, right? That's almost exactly right. I mean, I haven't even used this one in so long. You're not that guy, pal. Trust me. You're not that guy. Let's talk about some news of the day.

Is there a nutritional difference between cantaloupe and watermelon? What do you guys think? That's the news of the day. Yeah. Oh, I didn't even say my bond of the week father son huh who there's no better choice for bond than the bond of father and sons god damn it so it's like james and tavin he's tavin He's like his daughter. So not a son. Yeah.

Yeah. One example didn't fit. James wants his kid to be able to figure out their own gender. It's funny because this is dumb and boring, but the next thing that we're going to go into is watermelon and cantaloupe first.

And then it's the uncouth thing. Yeah. There's actually no reason to drive the show forward either. I will say. Cantaloupe has more carbs. Okay. Per 100 grams.

Is this news? It's about a.6 difference of carbs. Per 100 grams. So for 100 grams of the fruit, there's.6 more carbs, grams, in cantaloupe. That's why it's a little more juicy. Yeah,

alright. I don't think it's more juicy actually. I won't even give you that small amount. Yeah, it's more fibrous. Army Hammer resurfaces in Los Angeles after his lawyer debunks the claims that he's working at a Cayman Islands hotel. He was though.

That's been proven. Okay. Are you sure that was actually proven? Well he didn't work there but he was there and then he was friends with the staff and then the staff were like oh this would be funny if we put army on like a pamphlet. Okay. So he did work a day doing that. Yeah but there I think the narrative was like

he fell so hard. He's so cancelled so poor now that he's selling timeshares but that was he like came from he's he's old money rich yeah he's not he's gonna be fine no matter what yeah and now he's back in la yeah um so let me know if you spot hammer brett goldstein didn't even tell his mom he was in thor love and thunder that's fine is that? He's on Ted Lasso. He's like the guy. He's like.

Oh, got it. Yeah. Luke Bryan celebrates birthday with family. Doesn't matter. You're just copy and pasting like a Google News Alert. Sponsored links at the bottom of an ESPN homepage. There's a lot of news of the day and I'm trying to parse through. It's not news of the day.

One of them is just that a country star hung out with his dad. This is like really bad targeted shit, like clickbait towards you. I'm trying to say, there's so much news. Yeah. And I'm trying to distill it down to what I think everyone needs to know. Okay. Jimmy Fallon makes a summer salad and his amazing daughters. That's nothing then.

He made a salad? Summer salad. Who cares? He said, this is the best thing I've ever tasted. That's fine. His amazing daughter said this is the best thing I ever tasted. It's a recap of a TikTok or something. Wait.

It's what? You want a deeper dive? No. I do. Tell me that headline because it didn't make a lot of sense. Jimmy Fallon makes a summer salad with his amazing daughters. Best thing I've ever tasted. I see.

Okay. The late night talk show. It's a little too effusive because the summer salad is the best thing he ever had and his daughters are amazing. It's like choose one. Well, he's enjoying a great salad with your fine daughters. Yeah. Yeah. So he was with Winnie Rose and Frances Cole.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You have to just enjoy the thing. You have to enjoy the segments. No, because then he goes deeper into it and we want to know less. Then we don't have, we're going to end up talking about like our cock sizes at some point in the uncouth segment.

How big are you guys' cocks? Have you measured? Yeah, I guess let's talk about Jimmy Fallon's strawberries then. He made a recipe from French chef Jacques Pepon. Six and a half? My dick? Yeah. Do they have? Yeah, I'm not sure. Do they have a list of the ingredients? I'm curious if we could bring a full circle with the watermelon and the cantaloupe. Yeah. I don't want to get too deep into it.

When you think of a summer salad, is that strictly fruit or you think it's like one of those salads that has blueberries in it? I'm going to guess Mir's five. I don't know what it is about you that grates me. Like five hard. Yeah. And then. Five hard. Five inches hard.

Seven soft. Seven soft. That's what I was saying because it condenses. Yeah. He's not a shower or a grower. He's a. I guess shrivel. Yeah. Shri because it condenses. Yeah, he's not a shower or a grower. He's a, I guess, shrivel. Yeah, a shriveler.

Yeah. So I wonder if there's blackberries in it. My God. Grate some lemon. He doesn't even use a measuring cup. Then how is it a recipe? Well, you know, it's sort of like the french way of cooking you don't have a recipe you sort of handfuls of yeah sorry for actually sort of handfuls of stuff there there was what a zest of a lemon grated a lemon he did end up zesting a lemon yeah yeah

okay don't look too was there any other What was the zestimate on that lemon too? Because prices are going up, right? What was the roughage in that salad? Was it cabbage, kale, butter leaf? What's the base? Or is it strictly fruit? We've exhausted my knowledge of this article and the article itself. That was all it said.

And you are exhausted. If you want to talk about Luke Bryan's birthday, we can get into that a little bit more. I don't know who Luke Bryan is. Let's see where it happened. He's a country star. He's 46. What's your age?

No. And no, he was goofily dancing around the house. That's funny. It's fine. What's that? It's fine. It's not funny. So they just report on people's Instagrams and Twitters and TikToks.

That's basically it, right? So it's like, well, this is ABC News. Right. They look at viral. This is ABC News. Got it. Yeah. We're all going to hell, I guess.

Yeah. Faster and faster. In a handbasket. That's really good. We're going to hell, I guess. Yeah. Faster and faster. In a handbasket. That's really good. We're going to hell in a bucket. That's really good. All right. Well, we should take a break because I do want to get to this segment that might take

a little bit longer and put you guys on even more the edge of your seats. Okay. I can't talk it up enough. We'll be right back. Oh, yeah. Oh, this one. What song is this? I don't know.

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This fucking title card alone is illegal. You're cancelled. The three of us are cancelled for being in this fucking thumbnail here's how things are gonna go i'm gonna ask you general knowledge questions about gashes they start off easy and get harder as you go and as long as you answer them correctly you will win uh this picture that i drew of a gash oh my god did you make that logo or? I made that. Well, I took the original one and I just like Photoshopped it.

Wow. That's pretty good. So you turned the C into a G. Yes. How is that? Do you see how it's not just like a straight line? It's got like a little serif to it. Right.

Where do you take that? That's actually why it's actually not good because it's a sans serif font. Yeah, it doesn't match the font. No. Yes. So they will start off easier and then get harder as you go as long as you answer them correctly you will win this picture but three strikes and you're out and i'll kick you out of the studio okay right um you can also use one 15 second uh on the show on the real show it's shout out but this is going to be eat out so you can call somebody. And if the call exceeds 15 seconds,

that's a strike. But it's basically you can phone a friend. Who on earth would I want to call? Would I? We're playing cash cab. You'll never believe it. I'm on cash cab. Honey.

Okay, but have no more questions about it because we only have 10 seconds. Strike. The president was the first to use. All right. Do you think these more questions about it because we only have 10 seconds strike alright do you think these are questions about vaginas or just general gashes yeah please we don't use that word in this game why are you displaying

the fucking on the real show it's like showing how much money they made but there's no cash involved that is crude in two ways. It's just leaned against the wall, piece of printer paper with a ballpoint pen.

It's so low effort. In two ways. Alright, here we go. Starting off with some multiple choice questions. The word gash technically refers to A. the entirety of the vaginal anatomy B. the exterior

of the vaginal anatomy C. the canal that connects the uterus to the labia minora or D. the tube that urine flows out of freely I might add The tube that urine flows out of freely, I might add. I think I got it narrowed down to the first two. The first two is the whole entire thing.

Yeah. And the second one is just the outside. Yeah. I would think it has to, you know, you would think it's the whole thing because it's more about the inside, I think. The gash? Yeah. But I'll just go ahead and say outside because the inside includes the, like, the, you know, too much, too much anatomy for it to be encompassed in such a crude word. So I'll say the outside.

Let's hear if he was right. The correct answer is the canal that connects the uterus to the labia minora. That's the vagina is the canal. But the gash is different. The vulva is the entire exterior. Here we go. How should the gash... I'm annoyed that I'm a little ashamed that I got it wrong.

That's why this is twofold funny. Cause some of these are kind of hard. Uh, how should the gash be cleaned? Uh, I should also say that there's supposed to be a timer on these. So here we go. Um,

so what I'm saying, this is a low, low brow, low concept. And you did, and you did a low effort for, you you know kind of like for going after it so i could have done more but this is i would say this is guy high concept yeah here you go this is high concept low brow low brow how should the gash be cleaned a you should use soap and

water that inside looking at the answer you should use soap and water that... Don't worry, I'm not looking at the answer. You should use soap and water inside your gash. B, you should use douches regularly. Do you guys know regular Lee? He was like a stand-up in the 80s. Stan Lee's normal cousin. C, the vagina is self-cleaning

and does not require you to clean it. D, you should rinse it once a day. Your last one felt too casual. I'll go douche regularly. I agree with Amir, but I'm just going to guess rinse so I can leave. It is self-cleaning. What's funny about that? That crying whatever uh you both have two strikes is it really self-cleaning yeah what are you actually if you douche too regularly i think you can actually injure yourself not injure but it can like upset the the bacterial the ph balance

and stuff also don't take anything i would take everything we're saying with a green is all none of us it just has the energy of a like oh you don't need to wear de stuff. Also, don't take anything, take everything we're saying with a grain of salt. It just has the energy of a like, oh, you don't need to wear deodorant or you don't need to wash your hair to me. You don't need to do those things. Yeah, I think you do, but go on. I think you do. You especially do, actually.

All right. How long is the average menstrual cycle with specific regards to gashes? Sorry. Sorry. A, five days. B, 14 days. C, 21 days.

Or D, 28 days. It's 28. I just realized that your brother is a gynecologist. Yeah. We should be calling him. Can you call Dr. Blum? Can you eat out Dr. What is his name? I already know the answer.

Yeah, the answer is D. It's 28. Correct! All right, this is bringing us to our first challenge. On the normal show, it's the red light challenge But this one's gonna be the red briefs challenge So God, you're embarrassed I'm having a great time

Alright In 30 seconds You have to name Nine synonyms for gash. No. Here we go. 30 seconds on the board, and we are starting now. Vagina.

Correct. Pussy. Got it. Slit. Got it Slit Got it Yes Coochie Yes

God Twat Yes Three more Do you have any that I'm missing? I have one Say it Box

Got it Two more, two more, two more. Casey? Keep me out of this. Okay. That's eight. Two more. Oh.

I wish I didn't say mine. You didn't win a pair of red briefs. I forgot that that was the prize. I guess that's fine. Did we miss any famous ones? You missed. And this is Snatch. Yeah. Gumbo Pot. No, no. And this is Snatch. Yeah.

Gumbo Pot. Muff. Beaver. Coos. And Muff. You said Muff twice. Really? Yeah.

You would have accepted it twice. I would have taken it twice. Once with three Fs. Back to our regular scheduled programming here. Again. I thought for a second the segment was over, but it's just back to our regular scheduled programming here um oh again i thought for a second the segment was over but it's just back to the uh back to the original gash cab you both have two strikes i really want you to make it to the end so you can win this uh picture of a gas no interest true or false the average menstrual cycle of a gash is 21 days. False. We just did that one, obviously.

I forgot to take that one out. Yeah, but you didn't have to read it. True or false? On average, the average gash loses six to eight tablespoons of liquid volume during a period. The key point is pretty specific. Yeah. True. Correct.

Last one. True or false. PMS stands for premenstrual syndrome. I believe that's true. Jake. I think it's true also. Correct. All right. Jake I think it's true also Correct Alright you guys have won This

Drawing of a gash But before we go There you can either Take this or you can double or Nothing get two Photos that I drew Of a what did you say slit I didn't say that Again you can go home with this or you can Get two photos that I drew of a, what did you say, slit?

I didn't say that. You did. Again, you can go home with this or you can double down with our video bonus round where I'm going to play a very short clip and you just answer one question about it. I'll just take the one. Did you draw it from memory or did you look at a vagina when you did that? From memory. That's awesome. From memory. Nice. That's a

homeintosh actually. Yeah. These are boobs. I want to see the video segment. Yeah, let's do it. Alright, they're doubling down. Just because this doesn't matter. Jesus Christ. Oh my god. What word

best describes this body part shown on camera? Oh, my God. What word best describes this body part? Did you do this just because... Did you do this segment because there was no women on this show? No, I would have done it if Marika showed up or anyone. Oh, Jesus Christ.

There's people. There's somebody at the door. Marissa's walking out, obviously. She quit. What word best describes this body part? I actually didn't see it. Can you show it again? Well, now I don't want to.

You shouldn't have wanted to before. I didn't. I just had to push the envelope. It's the Gash Cab. No, the thumbnail was over what you want us to see. This is such a simple question. What word best describes this body part? You want us to say Gash? Correct! Correct!

You guys are going home. With both pictures of... With both pictures of gash. One each. One each. And one each. What is it at? 1,000?

More. 1,500, actually. Not bad. Where do we go from there? I'm very sorry. Yeah. Yeah. The fruit salad recipe was more offensive, I think.

Jacques Pepin. Yeah. Exactly right. I thought that that was going to take 20 minutes. And how long? Like 13. So we're a little short. We're 15 minutes short of the day.

Yeah. And you are out of segments. There's nothing else. This becomes a wax episode. Yeah. Why don't we just wax? Yeah. Because we, yeah.

I feel like we did that a little bit at the top i feel like that broke the ice well here's something about the show i wanted to bring up people have been complaining that the levels of the audio are off ever since ferris left have you heard that complaint and would you agree with it i've read that complaint i haven't heard an episode since i don't listen to the show after it gets put out got it um do you think there's a lack of quality control there because you don't listen to the show and then what happens is it kind of slips a little bit when ferris leaves well it's you know it's hard because like i trust grayson yeah with my life all right but did you tell them that note that

people had because i guess some of the like the and audio, intro and outro audio are a little louder than the rest of the episode. Really? Maybe Ferris equalized, normalized the audio and Grayson hasn't been doing that. This feels like something that should be discussed over Slack. Well, it could be an interesting peer behind the curtain to see what, if anything.

Slash peer review. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, Grayson's going to be editing this, so I guess he'll uh it'll hurt his feelings and then he'll get past it's not a hurt your feelings or nothing it's just like uh is there something that ferris did that we're not doing anymore um i don't know i don't know what he did i used to assemble the track so i would cut out anything i wanted to

cut out time it it's sync it etc then i would send him all the tracks and he would just work don't ask a follow-up question i'm quite bored the ferris cut this out anything I wanted to cut out, time it, sink it, etc. Then I would send him all the tracks and he would just work. Don't ask a follow up question. I'm quite bored. The Ferris cut this out. Do you ever actually cut those outs or is those jokes that are to be left in? If I say it historically back then, if I said Ferris cut this out, I didn't want him to cut it out. And then there would be things that I would just flag of like that can't be in the episode. And I would just edit that out.

I see. Yeah. Anything from this episode, do you think? It's not. Well, I'm going to blur that. Yeah. Probably more than a blur. Black bar, probably.

Yeah. Black bar sitting on top of a guy. No, over the entire thing. Really? Yeah. So no legs. The entire blacked out. Yeah.

The whole show has no legs. Of course. Sexual bucket list 2021 to 2022 sorry 2022 to 2023 okay so this year next casey do you ever think about sex in terms of like a sports season no i i've never have really i also have never a sports season yeah i think that's quite unhealthy, Jeff. Because I like to be like, oh, like, how do you win the chip? Right.

You keep stats and stuff like that. Yeah. But what's the off season? The off season is like. Jeff's been in the off season since high school. Jeff's on strike. The league folded. It's a fucking lockout. He's been relegated.

Yeah. Yeah. And this all takes place over the dating app, The League. It's a fucking lockout. He's been relegated. Yeah, yeah. And this all takes place over the dating app, the league. It's just a... No, the off-season is like those probably six weeks a year where you don't get any by accident. Slash purpose. And you can make trades.

Really? Yeah. So what's an example of a trade you can make in your sexual season or off season? You know, swinging for the fences. What about you? Sexual goals for the year? Yeah. I don't know.

I mean, they're private. They they're private why do people think this why wait what's happening i'm here put on sunglasses like he's about to reveal something he's trying to do with that five inch cock let's talk about it man high five for my guy for what for what you're about to share you put on you popped on sunglasses i'm just you got fucking penis plans i'm trying we're down to hear them i'm just trying to be sort of like in a cool zone right now. Yeah. Like a poker player like puts on sunglasses

so you can't read his expression. What are your sexual goals? Goals for 22, 23? Yeah, the season. Jeez. Shibari. What's that? Like rope bondage.

Army hammer style. Shibari? Yeah. Never heard that word. How do you spell it? S-H-I-B-A-R-I. Is it like Japanese? I think in nature, yeah.

Etymologically? But not in practice. I don't want to know. You're freaking out over the etymology. Actually, the sushi thing is kind of interesting. Eating sushi off someone's ass? I was saying... I don't want to know. You're freaking out over the etymology. Actually, the sushi thing is kind of interesting. Eating sushi off someone's ass? I was saying, I want to eat more. I've always wanted to do that.

Yeah. You see that at like, if there's like a sex party in like a movie or TV show, there's like a naked person and there's sushi on them. Right. Goma Kase. I really trust them. Listen, when we were at. What's hotter than having raw fish off someone's leg? Yeah.

I'll eat the fish off your body. Oh, yeah. I had an egg cake to Mago sushi off of someone's cake. I had a pot sticker off someone's taint. How's that? Pot sticker and I'm a hot licker. That's really good. I had a dash of soy off someone's gas.

Hi, I'm Roy. You guys have teriyaki chicken. Shut up! Shut up, man! Whoa. Whoa. 112 episodes. I've been so patient with him.

Not really. Everything you've done has been chipping away at the ice. 112 episodes I've been so patient with him not really everything you've done has been chipping away at the ice it's already fucking done the ice sculpture he finally was on board with the whole dash of it all I was joking around with it

I brought up the sushi thing and then I sort of yes anded it to the point where I thought we were having fun. Yeah. No, I was having fun. I just sometimes it gets to be too much. What's going on? No, nothing. I just like, yeah.

In the off season. What off season? Sex. Oh, you're in your six week. What I was going to say is in Arizona, things got kind of wild.

People got drunk. Our company retreat. Yeah. I wonder if, like who at HeadGum do you think would have lobbed up to be the sushi platter?

We obviously can't answer that. Okay. Because I think it would have been Peter. MacArthur? Who? There's no way. I could see it.

If someone's going to do it, Peter. He's a freak. Yeah. Yeah. He sort of has a platter. Abs. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

In that body sushi thing, is it over rice or is it usually just the sashimi? It's over ice. It's overrated. Over. It's a poke bowl, actually. It's spam musubi. Why sushi? Just because it's like...

Single piece, yeah. I do think sushi... Because you're worried about hygiene. Yeah, exactly. Here's the thing. When you eat sushi, your stomach acid

cooks the fish while you digest it. Okay. And so that sounds rancid to me. Not sexual. But I do think stomach acid cooks the fish while you digest it. And so that's, that sounds rancid to me, not sexual. But I do think sushi is clean. There's no, well, other than soy, there's no sauce, but soy, I mean, how much of a sauce is that? It's the most.

How much of a sauce is soy? The most sauce on a scale. I would say hoisin is like the sauciest it gets. Either hoisin or barbecue. Barbecue, I think. There's nothing saucier

than barbecue. Yeah. Barbecue sauce has so many calories in it. I also think it tastes foul. Foul? Yeah. And I wouldn't put it on a foul.

No, I wouldn't put it on a foul. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I think you could probably do like a pheasant, like a roast. Yeah. Yeah. You probably could like a pheasant like a roast yeah yeah you probably forget sex for a second what about like a fucking hair a rabbit to eat yeah with hoisin that would

be good what about yeah i do really want to do first of all let's start with an la show of this show yeah but i i do want to do a full tour. With the fucking vagina image movie that you played for us. I don't know if I ever showed you guys. During the low point of this show's history where we're just talking about sauces, that's what makes you come up with the idea. Did I ever show you guys this? No. A listener made this. And I really want to do, I would have them, I have one note, I want to do the Joyzen tour.

Which is joy, hoizen, and Poison. Oh interesting. But somebody made this. Where did you get where did they get this high res headshot of you? That's not even a headshot that was a photo that somebody took of me when I slept on the beach. And that and you were wearing a pink cowboy hat? Yeah

it was Halloween. And a pink sweatshirt? Red actually. So they just took that from your Instagram? Yeah. It was Halloween. And a pink sweatshirt? Red, actually. So they just took that from your Instagram? Yeah, they took that from Instagram. It's funny. It's kind of Harry Styles-esque. I think we could do, I say we do LA, SF, Portland, Seattle. Yeah.

Or the opposite order. Or just fucking. A West Coast run. Or just Portland, SF, LA. Yeah. This episode's not going well, so it's weird that you have the confidence. You shouldn't now feel...

This isn't like coming off a high. It's like we're struggling to get to the finish line. You have the confidence to hit the road. After making your bosses play a vagina-based game show. The ones for me are the ones who never yawn. A pornographic video in the studio for all to see. I wouldn't do that at the show. You might.

Really? Yeah. I could see you doing that at the show. Yeah, because you like to elicit a reaction from the crowd. I like to solicit a reaction. We did a live show once. That one went really well because I put weeks into it. If we did a tour. You put weeks into that? I put like three once. That one went really well because I put weeks into it. If we did a tour.

You put weeks into that? I put like three days. That's right. You put half a week into it. Yeah. And there was some technical difficulties. There were very many technical difficulties. Yeah.

Not during the show, before the show. No, the Jeopardy thing. There were technical difficulties. You're like, oh shit, i can't get like the answer choices to like oh yeah didn't we realize on stage that the like the price is right or the yeah the rules of the family the rules of the family we couldn't you didn't know what was behind each each thing so we would make a guess and you have to say yes or no but you didn't know what each one said until you clicked it and saw what the answer was.

Right. So we would make a guess and you would say yes and then click it and it would be something else or vice versa. I didn't know this was your guys' coloring of the memory. I thought it went pretty damn well. Yeah. We had like eight people on stage and we had five mics. So it was kind of like-

That's a venue issue. We were ill-equipped. we were ill equipped we were prepared on the road on the road it would be us two and me uh and amica and amica i call marika america because jeff rubin wants smaller oh and what about america i'm like marika yeah america marika i like the art i think if we did smaller venues I think we'd do 150 seat theaters We could sell out all three Make some cash

Yeah but not enough to cover the run of the tour Yeah that would be good 150 seats But you have to travel the entire time We have to stay in hotels It'd be four people You're definitely going to have to pay my fee Marika's flights

hotels and i don't travel in anything less than delta comfort plus and i won't stay in anything less than a hoxton or a w um so at the end of the day we'd probably lose 5k to 10k minus my fee which is 10k per show so the entire tour would cost cost us close to $50,000. That's before you count food. And this is for us to sell like 98 seats in a 150 person venue in Seattle. That's if we sell out

which we probably won't. That's what I'm saying. But yeah. I like the poster. We should actually whoever made this poster could I'm saying

if you could introduce them because they could do they could do like other for a podcast for us. Yeah, exactly. Or like if any other podcasts go on a live tour. Yeah. Oh, there's like so many good podcasts that could do a live tour.

Yeah. Right? Can you think of any? Well, I was just going to say High and Mighty used to tour and we have the same name. Exactly. Yeah. High and Mighty would be good. High and Mighty.

Because Gaber's is a TV star now. Yeah. Well, now, but back then. Newcomers would be dope that'd be sick obviously yeah just two incredibly funny hosts with a sick following savage we could probably sell that out yep yep yep uh keeping records dynamic yep yep keeping records for sure content branded tour sponsored by by Voss. What? I'm saying there's ways we can pay for it. Sponsored by what?

Voss. You think Voss would sponsor the Gash tour? The Hoizen tour. Actually, we could do Kikamon. Huh? Kikamon? What is that? The soy sauce company.

They make a Hoizen. They do? I'm engaging with you. I was like, oh, really? No, I'm just, no, I'm genuinely concerned that you and Jill aren't cooking with Kikkoman. Don't look at me when you talk to him. I use hoisin every once in a while. Yeah.

And I use soy. And yeah. Well, at least that's due to L.A. show. Can we at least do the L.A. show? That's free, lodging wise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, not if you want me on it, because then I'd have to stay in a five-star hotel.

I'd have to fly well. Yeah, but that's a tax write-off for the company. Plus the fee. The fee. Yeah. But no, definitely. I'm down to do it. I think we should do all of these shows.

I don't know if you need to host or if we can just do a Joyzen tour, but you're the host and we have Gabrus or anybody else from the network, because that would be like- It wouldn't have to be Jeff. Jeff would be be on the poster but that's it yeah so if i'm on the poster people think that i'm going to be there when i show up not that everybody's that excited for that but i'm just saying i put me on the post but then you don't you're not at the show it would be a really funny bit i think to do this tour and not bring you and to have all of the audience in on the joke to make it go so well and be so much fun without you.

It's almost like a GoFundMe, but it's like a GoFuckYourself. Yeah, it's a GoFuckYou. That's awesome. That feels like a different tour. That's the GoFuckYou tour. Sponsored by GoFundMe. Sponsored by GoFundMe

and Boss. Moroccan Lounge what about it 150 seats where downtown never heard of it you don't remember the Moroccan

no yeah or we could do Dynasty this feels like an email yeah this one's an email for sure

and you have emailed about it before we have yeah and then I sort of didn't follow up because there was a lot going on. We're in the midst of talking about a HeadGum, another HeadGum live event. Where? In October. We're looking. I'll block it. I'll bleep this out. But yeah. Yeah. You don't have to. I mean, we don't, we're trying to do it in October and November

and we haven't chosen a city yet. What are the, what's the short list? Portland, Seattle, Chicago, New york don't do chicago we just did chicago we did chicago in 2018 so it was four years ago nothing goes my way yeah you don't like chicago that's fine i think chicago is great and great in the fall yeah yeah well if you want i mean portland seattle are both on the list. That would be really fun. Why don't we just do it here?

New York is what we just did. LA. Because here's not fucking exciting for anybody. That's true. New York is way more exciting. Let's just do New York again. Nobody buys tickets in LA.

Yeah, there's too much going on. It's hard to get around. People are spoiled here. You got to go to Denver. That's where you got to go. Why are you laughing at Denver? Why not with Bay Area? We've never done anything

in San Francisco. Canada is a pretty good one. Vancouver, Toronto. Logistically, that's tough because you're dealing with your DUI. Yeah. You can't exactly get into Canada. Yeah. And then how do you get yay across the border?

What's that? I have a guy up north that can get us yip. In London, Ontario. Yes. Yes. I can get yip in Canada. That won't be the issue. That won't be the issue.

Yeah. No, I think we should do the Bay Area. You don't like the Bay Area. It's the one part of America you dislike. You want us to go there. Now I hate Boston. Interesting. Yeah.

But you used to not like San Francisco. Well, I hated the Warriors enough to hate the city. But now I've read enough books about, you know, the Merry Pranksters, you know, the Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane. San Francisco is a great city, but I don't think that's a great show. I think San Francisco is a great scene. Yeah. It's a great place to be, but not a great place to perform.

Okay. Boston, bad city, but good place to perform. Because everybody's boisterous. Yeah. Boisterous. Everybody in San Francisco is a little too cool for school. Yeah, exactly., but good place to perform. Because everybody's boisterous. Yeah. Boisterous. Everybody in San Francisco is a little too cool for school. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

They're too rich. They're going to Marin County on the weekend. They're not coming to the show. Well, that's what I was saying. We could do it at Sweetwater. Where's that? Mill Valley. What is that?

It's Bob Weir's music venue. Who is that? He's in the Grateful Dead. Don't look at me. You're talking to him. I have nothing to do with this conversation. Because he's engaging with me.

I feel like if I engage with Jake verbally and look at you optically, we'll come up to some kind of arrangement. Plugs! What do you have going on? You guys have a show next week.

Yeah, Montreal. Come to our live show in Montreal. Plug it. That's right. Tickets at jakeandamir.com July 27th. Yeah. At chance to plug it. That's right. Tickets at jakeandamir.com July 27th. Yeah.

At the Les Maisons Theater, folks. So come through. Very fun. We're also hosting one of their The new creators, the new faces.

Yeah. I don't know if you're allowed to go to that, but if you're a badge holder or a festival goer or something, you are, and you should come because that'll be,

it'll be probably weird, so you should come because that'll be... It'll be probably weird. So you should come. You think Gurkey might be there? Huh? You think Olivia Gurkey from Three Arts might be there? Yeah. Oh, I saw Olivia actually. How is Gurkey?

She's good. She was at Jill's premiere for Fire Island. That's fun. Yeah. That's it. That's our plugs. No more questions about vaginas no more pontificating about sauces it's just over i think sweet so and actually it's not Daz. This episode wasn't Daz, folks.

That was a Hiddem Original.