The Headgum Podcast - 116: Joel's Goals

Episode Date: August 19, 2022

Brad, Casey, Grayson, and Joel join Geoff to discuss body hair, Joel's overall potential, and Shakespeare in the Park! Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. I remember reading a comment about us two, Marika, because I also do read all the comments. And it was a negative one, and I wanted to share it with you. What was it? It was an episode where Amir was also in it. Don't gesticulate like that.

Your hand's taking up an eighth of the frame. Sorry, should I? Let me pull it back. So Amir was in the episode as well. And Marika, you and I were in the corners of the video. And one comment was, are the people in the

corners comedians? If not, why are they there? That was a good one. That's a good one down board and there you go no way we still can't hear you is is this the bit it's all planned episode one Is this the bit? Is this episode one?

This was his plan the whole time. He's not coming back for 45 minutes. How are you guys doing? How's your cock, Grayson? There's no getting away from this. Here we go. No. You cannot hear this?

Oh, no. There you go. All right. And then can you hear this? Yes. Yeah. Great. All right.

We should have done the thing where, like, even when when he comes back we all pretend to still not hear him um that was a disaster i'm gonna see how much of that i can keep in but um first let's talk about joel's shirt so i texted all of you this is the tuesday before this episode comes out on this friday saying hey sorry for the last minute ask. Can you guys do the show? You're all here. Thank you very much. Joel said, should we all wear the same outfit? Not only are there, is there one more person than usual on today's episode,

but to assume that any of us have the same shirt enough to wear it to match beyond a white tee and more specifically manscaped. It's a travesty. I actually do have a Manscaped shirt. I just chose not to wear it. There's no way. I do. I do too.

Casey? I do not have a Manscaped shirt. Yeah, I'm a brand embalsador. That's really good. How has that not ever been pitched to them? This is like ad agencies never know what to do. But let's talk about it. I mean,

how do you guys manscape? It's pretty, pretty self-explanatory. Not like, how do you do it? But like, what do you like to keep? Grayson?

I'll pass. That's how this episode's going to go. No, I can plug. You could plug? I like to keep it trim sure I like to keep it trim sure

it's scorched earth for me what do you mean you were burned no laser hair actually from the waist down top up it's all hair yeah why i like to be slick and smooth man um joel how do you manscape uh yeah i like the trim what i i did in fact get a brazil Brazilian not too long ago. When and why?

And where? This was actually the week before I started working at HeadGum. So you wanted to be ready for the retreat in Arizona. It was exactly that. I came in last in my fantasy football league. Oh, there you go. Was it incredibly painful? It was.

I explained, I explained like the, the bet situation. I was like, oh, it's going to take a little easier. You know, I don't really care about this Brazilian so much. And the woman said, no, you paid for Brazilian. I'm going to give you a Brazilian. So. What? Good for her.

Good for her. A woman of principle, A waxer of principle. Yeah, she's a perfectionist. Yeah. Which you do want if you're getting a Brazilian. Yeah. If it's going to hurt a little, I just would rather it hurt a lot and be perfect. Yeah.

That makes sense to me. We should get her on this show because she's great at waxing. That was pretty good Casey, who do you think is the best dressed on the pod today? And don't say Joel, for the love of God Wow You know Brad's already celebrating Yeah, Brad does look pretty good

brad and jeff are wearing similar outfits though yeah but brad both of his items of clothes like one up me like my t-shirt is fine his is good and then your hat looks like it costs actual money instead of being found on a street yeah brad what does it say on your hat channel channel five channel five news shout out yeah brad brad takes it for that i feel like i was gonna give it to brad until he said that what which local way is it up to me or is it up to you? You, I just am shocked He already said me, Jeff Alright, alright, congratulations

Brad Thank you Joel, I'm glad you're back on the show Because your debut episode I didn't prepare anything And I feel like it put you in a really tough spot It did So this time you also

didn't prepare this time I had shit you texted us like two hours ago yeah but I had an episode outlined I changed the last segment to be more specific um here's the life update for me I had COVID two Saturday days ago till this upcoming this this past Saturday. And then I had to move all my shit. I already told Joel this, but over the weekend. And so I'm fucking exhausted. I still feel run down. Body's sore. Mind

isn't right. Throat is feeling still honestly a little tight. And I don't know who to ask for help from in general. I forget how I'm feeling today. I thought you were going to rap in the middle there when that middle part rhymed. Yeah, I was waiting for what kind of song was coming up.

How many times have you had COVID now? That's going to be, I'm in the three-timers club. You're the only one. No, I know. And I also did nothing like until I got vaccinated. So I'm actually pissed about it. Like I went nowhere. I was locked down, locked down, locked down.

Did everything right according to CDC shit. And even then some. And now I've had it three times how is that fair to me you get a cdc warning on this video i've gotten a lot of cdc warnings on shit even shit that i don't mention vaccines i don't mention covid they're just like just this might give you a virus if you look at this photo of him um let's talk about everybody's uh let's just get it over with i hate doing this segment but i have to commit to it because i think it'll eventually get funny again um my bond of the week is Dakota Johnson it's time for a bondage

that'll do bond DSM honestly they already did that in Casino Royale the guy's doing like cock and ball torture on his ass on his ass? imagine if in that scene every time the like rope swung up

and hit him it went into his ass and then back out that would be as painful I think Brad are you into CBT CBT? cock and ball torture fuck or is that more of a Joel thing?

I mean, he did get a Brazilian. Yeah, it was primed. But do you guys have any bond to the week? You don't all have to have one this week. I do.

Actually. Yeah. Grayson? Daniel Craig. That's a good one. Thank you. I thought so. I feel like he'd do well.

Yeah. You're like first week working at a casting office. I feel like he'd do well. Yeah. You and you're like first week working at a casting office. I feel like he had done it before. The one thing like there's a bunch of actors on the boards. Like the thing with these guys is they haven't proven themselves like Craig. We know he can do it. Why wouldn't we just go with the sure thing? Brad.

Sean Connery's ghost is he dead yeah he is dead i thought you were gonna say sean kingston he sang that beautiful girl song somebody call mi5 yeah plus with sean you don't have to pay a second celebrity to write the theme song a Sean Kingston Bond theme where all them beautiful girls Bond girls yeah that was just the song they can reuse it. It fits.

All right. If nobody has any other Bond of the Weeks. All right. Let's take it into the news of the day here. Side-by-side Florida mansions built for identical twins asks 54 million dollars so wait you said at the beginning that you had prepared for this episode right this is me preparing okay uh yeah pair of florida mansions built for identical twins are coming on the market together for 54 million dollars each uh for the pair so it's actually kind of a deal yeah we're in florida glad you asked um i think fort lauderdale

i'm from those parts really ohated in Southwest Ranches. I don't know where that is. 20 miles from Fort Lauderdale. Okay. Yeah, sounds like a good deal. Are they identical? Honestly, yeah. Kind of. I mean, you want to see this?

Yeah. I feel like these houses have about as many differences as physically the twins might but the mansions are also identical I mean it seems to be I mean this tower isn't on this one honestly if I'm choosing between the two I'm leaning this way yeah I feel like I'm looking at one of those like spot the difference games yeah but you don't know what this one looks like on the other side or vice versa does it say anything about the twins that they were built for was it like the fucking island boys or something

yeah so they're owned by chiropractor Robert Lewin and his wife Lisa Lewin but that's not actually the twins that's okay do you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal Robert Lewin and his wife, Lisa Lewin. But that's not actually the twins. That's just who owns it now. Do you subscribe to the Wall Street Journal? I don't. I have Apple News, though.

Which I think gives you some limited access to every publication. How about this? A prominent scientist posted an image of a distant star he said was taken by the Webb telescope. It was actually a slice of chorizo. I heard about this. Yeah. Was this a prank? Yeah.

Well, I don't know if it was a joke or not. That's the issue. Well, I don't know if it was a joke or not. That's the issue. When I first saw this, I thought it was that TikTok that Howie Mandel posted of the prolapsed anus. Have you guys seen that? Yeah, I have seen that. Howie Mandel just posted a TikTok of a prolapsed anus and it went super viral.

He's a weird dude. Kim Kardashian wants you to know that. What's that? No, it's fine. Kim Kardashian wants you to know that her bones are extremely dense. She wants who to know? How? You.

Who specifically are you talking to? Grayson. Oh. Kim. Kim. Kim. Call me. Um, yeah.

She also, uh, did a body scan. Um, 18.8% body fat. So I think she was reaching out to Grayson to see if Rocky mountain athletics would be able to get her down to 15. And it's two weeks in a row of great plugs for the gym. Grayson to see if Rocky Mountain Athletics would be able to get her down to 15. And it's two weeks in a row of great plugs for the gym. Grayson,

you are like a fitness guy. This is a good question for you. And Brad, you are too, but you're like, like the way Brad does fitness, it's like, oh,

he's just having fun in his life. He's incorporating into his life. I see Grayson on Instagram. It looks like he's putting himself through like physical and mental anguish just to feel something. Anyway, Grayson specifically, what do you think the best body fat to have is like the best body fat percentage or and then also what type of body fat yeah i'm gonna go with 7.7 percent so it's a joke answer. Are you being serious? I mean, that would be cool if you had that. But like for health, what do you say?

Probably in the 10 to 15 range. Actually, I'm just going to go 15. That's going to be my answer. Final answer. Lock it in. All right. That sucks. What are you at?

I'm at, well, my my thing said 12 but i don't buy that what thing the uh the like scale thing that you hold the fucking uh the electric the electricity thing the monitor a plumber told me that i looked about 10 body fat and i took his word as gospel um but i think i'm probably more like 14 or 15 that's perfect no i'd like to get down to like 10 or 7. i'm a dietitian and it's not time to stop pathology pathologizing emotional eating. It's okay to eat your feelings sometimes, says Christine Byrne. Is this news? This is still news.

The publication is called Self. And? Hand. Well, this says, okay, so there's a pull quote too that's not even like a part of the rest of it and it just kind of yells at you that of course food is emotional this is not only like an op-ed but a puff piece jeff what's the least what's the least emotional food that's a really good do you have an answer i mean what i just saw on the screen was soylent which is what i was thinking is kind of the least emotional food that's like tech

that's not even food what is this this is my favorite one of so far What is this? This is my favorite one so far. Casey, I want you to read this headline. We bought a bargain Italian home and added an elevator. That's the news. That was the news. That's the news on CNN. I'm Anderson Cooper.

Yeah, but there's Italian homes for like rock bottom prices. I wonder if the five of us go in on sort of a bachelorino pad. Yeah, what's rock bottom in Italy? That's going to be the better part of $10 million. No, I think you... I follow this account on Instagram called Cheap Dream Homes,

and you can get a place for less than $200,000, like a three-bedroom. Where? In Italy? I wish. Montpelier, Vermont. No, in Italy Like the countryside

So two of us will just bunk up Or two groups of us Well, Brad's not invited because it's only for bacheloreenos That's fine Your voice cracked I think he's gonna cry I'm fine Alright, we do have to take a quick break, but when we come back, we're going to put together something I think is really special.

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Try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D3K2 and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's drinkag1.com. What's that? Check it out. All right. August 16th, this episode comes out August, I think, 19th. Summer is nary four weeks nigh on ending, right? And so I think that we have to maximize our summers in a certain way with specific regards to swangin' that thing. Let's talk about our 2022 summer fuck it lists.

This is real. I want us all to come up with one sexual activity that we'd like to take part in and then I want to have this same group on on September 22nd, the false hostess, and report back. How was it? Did we like it? Maybe choose something that you're not sure if you're going to like it

or not. Okay, I have a good answer for this. Let's hear it. Shakespeare in the Park. And is that... Is that a position? One of your legs is spread wide like the stage. The world's a stage.

Care to elaborate? No, I mean, I just think it's a great summer outdoor activity to go see with someone special. So you want to go on a date there and then just have normal sex afterwards? It won't be normal, but... Holy shit. That's fucking awesome, Joel.

Joel. awesome Joel I was just talking to somebody about something I want to try but I don't know if I want to divulge it here and I don't even remember what it is I would just say it but I'm like what was the thing that I was sheepish to bring up to a friend okay

he wants us to like beg for him to say it no i don't know what it is i kind of want to go last brad you're married so this is really attainable yeah i can do whatever i want um no you have a you have a partner that you trust that you can have communication with and say, hey, this is something I want to try in the next four weeks. You wish. I think we should have my wife on the show. I think I would love, we did a therapy episode between Amir and Avital. I'd love to do that for you. And what's her name?

Winona? No. Shot in the dark. Well, what if it was it? Not close. Grace. No. Hild. Grayson. shot in the dark well what if it was it not not close grace and no hilled grayson grace and hilled middle name nigella uh no what's your wife's name first and last it's muret okay yeah brad looks like he's gonna beat the shit out of me

when you look at what i did i didn't say anything um summer fuck it list i don't know there's a couple waterfalls we want to run to and rim each other under like i feel like you guys are treating this normally just like as a bucket list which is fine we can also do that but i'm wondering if we answer the real question yeah i mean i brought up the howie mandel prolapsed anus that's that's a medical emergency that's not you're in the middle of the forest not near any medical help and depending on brad's manscaping so is the prolapsed anus i mean they say don't go chasing waterfalls right so don't i also feel like you just did

chase waterfalls over the weekend i saw it it on your Instagram story. Yeah, I went on a run. Casey? Well, I'm not really dating right now and probably won't be by the end of the summer. But Shakespeare in the Park sounds pretty good.

Are you going to New York? Or are you going to start doing Hamlet at Griffith? Yeah, I think I'll go to the old zoo and start doing Hamlet, and then see what happens. Go and ham. Yeah. You have a 9-some

yeah you know what that's my fuck it list I want to do a 9-some in the next 4 weeks you know talking dirty and rhyming couplets I had a pent up fuck me

I got up all my pent up sexual tension in iambic pentameter. That's good. That was easy. Grayson, let's get yours in real fast. That's what she said. Uh oh. He cut out and it's almost a blessing in disguise.

I think he did that on purpose. Oh, can you hear me now? There you go. Okay, well we'll just move on then. Alright, full steam ahead. Here we go. I'm out. Welcome to Joel's Goals. Joel, from 1 to 10, how successful do you consider yourself right now? I think success

is something you can always strive for and never fully attain. So a one? I don't think so. Yeah. You don't think so? No. You think Graham Nash is sitting in the East Village being like I have more

to do who's Graham Nash forget it just if you had to ascribe a numerical value let's say like a 3 I disagree with that as well i'd put you at a seven either but that's also because we have differing opinions on your ceiling

you think i'm pretty close to to as good as it can get no i just but i mean to your point though there's always room for growth right and so i thought that we could talk about some of your goals that you have for yourself and then we could talk about maybe how we come into the fold of joel's goals how can we be of service to vent thy ass uh and then also what are goals that we maybe see for you that you didn't even think possible or probable for yourself got it that's good let's start with you what what tangible goals i know this is very similar to the summer bucket list but that was supposed to be about sex. This is only for Joel,

and it's about for the rest of the year goals. It could be about sex. It could be not that you see for yourself, that you've set for yourself. Heights you want to soar to. It's a tough question. I would like to make it to 26. That would be one. And when is that september 15th

virgo calendar yeah get that on time thanks that's a that's a goal of mine that's it it's sort of like the baseline survived let's go up a couple steps on the pyramid you know get to maybe some more like fun goals sure sure actually on my birthday I'm gonna be in Portland or Oregon I'm not sure which one I'm not sure if I'll actually be in Portland

so one goal will be a successful Oregon road trip that I'm going on. That's fun. Brad. Oh, we've already, we've already talked about him. Okay.

Invite him, invite him. Um, all right. So Joel's two goals are, uh, going to Portland and not dying until september 15th um are there other slides like i thought you were going to move on and sort of you had set the goals out for me is that not how this works i mean i have some ideas but i want to hear from

you guys first casey and grayson do you guys have any case and for, do you guys have any, Casey for short, do you guys have any ways that maybe you could help Joel attain these two goals? Grayson, maybe you and Joel could work out that helps him, you know, whether it's at Rocky Mountain Athletics in Denver, Colorado, or is it Boulder? It's Denver. Denver, Colorado, or whether it's, you know, just in New York, keeping his life force strong and vital.

Absolutely. Joel, let's talk. I think let's talk offline about that. Sounds good. And then Casey, maybe you could pay. I'm sorry to even say, but his airfare to Portland. That'd be huge. Joel, we'll talk about it offline.

This sucks. Alright, well Brad's already helping so I guess that's a good outcome of this segment and not prior conversations. Now I think it's time that we lob up some goals for joel we talk about the slide again why i just noticed you got the same font across the board

this time it's an improvement huge yeah i did a slide last week where I didn't match the font of Breaking Bad. I think it'd look a little better if you kind of fixed the kerning a bit. I think if you stretched out goals so it's

kind of even with Joel's it'd look a little bit better. Yeah, that is kind of off-putting yeah but the S's sort of line up I wonder if that's good sort of but like kind of not really actually I wonder if that's good alright well I'll just kick

things off next slide I guess All right. Well, I'll just kick things off. Next slide. I guess, I mean, speaking of body fat percentage, Joel, what if you got down to 2.5% body fat? Unhealthy. Yeah, that sounds really bad. It was actively against goal number one. Yeah, I think not only is that unhealthy. Do you think I'd go to Shakespeare in the park at 2.5 bm

wouldn't last an act you take one step in your apartment not even out and you just shatter yeah i do think that that goes beyond the essential fat you need to survive to enough to breathe but uh i just wonder i mean it's like you know reach for the stars land on the clouds you know maybe you reach for 2.5 and you get to like nine yeah actually the last time i was in the podcast we discussed how i wouldn't mind bulking up a bit this show is so bad so Joel bolting up is one of your goals oh

yeah I'd like to add 2.5 to whatever my BMI is Oh. Yeah. I'd like to add 2.5 to whatever my BMI is. That's good. I mean, you're probably looking at like, what, seven pounds? What? This is redoable. Sorry. All right.

What about journaling less just to save some paper um yeah no that's a great call i mean it's sort of good for the world and me in more than one way too like not even just like saving paper for the environment but also just making sure your thoughts stay up here you know yeah yeah make me a less thoughtful person as i interact with the world yeah um brad hill yeah joel's goals i don't want to be the only one dominating the conversation you don't i don't? I don't know, man. He said he wants to... L's L's.

Was that on purpose? Did you guys see that? No, I don't know why it does that. Joel's L's. That'll be our end of the year episode. Knowing he didn't add anything to his BMI. We count all the goals that he failed on. I don't know.

You made a pretty nice looking, what was it, an eggplant parm the other day, Joel? That's true. Had a little dinner party. Maybe hosting more dinner parties maybe sending an invite it's funny that ended up as our when we were on our retreat and there was the whole like whatever that thing was fast forward thing that was one of my goals was hosting dinner more dinner parties you also I think mentioned it on the last episode you were on of this show. I don't think so. You're right.

That was me and you offline, Jeffrey. Okay. I just thought that that was maybe a Joel's goal that you got a hold of. What about calling friends more out so like calling like i don't know fucking english out on her bullshit more often in terms of english there's nothing to call out english on really she's great great to be in the office with

she's awesome has she been on the podcast no she was almost on this this week's episode when it was going to be yesterday but it wasn't possible anyway uh all right what about about not buying things you need? Going without. Yes. Yeah, that's good. I actually would like to be more minimalist. I think about it every time I move. I'm kind of like, I wish I owned nothing.

That's where I'm at right now. I mean, I have way less closet storage, and these two boxes, I just have nowhere to put them. You could get rid of them. Yeah, but they're both kind of essential. There's other shit I could get rid of. The bottom one's closed. The top one

is sort of a fuck it list thing. Clean out your car and then put that junk on your bike. That's a goal. I don't have a car. Do you have a bike? Yeah.

Okay, new goal. Trade in your bike for a trike. What's better than two wheels? Four. But three will do. Can sell my trike and get a car. I feel like we were having a fun time conversation. And then as soon as I started Joel's goals, everybody's gone quiet.

Except for Joel, who's kind of in the hot seat, which is uncomfortable for him. I can take it. Go to the dentist and prove them wrong. I do not need a filling, sir. And let me tell you why. Last one. Buy less plastic. You know?

Maybe more like polyester and nylon. It's plastic. What's nylon. It's plastic. What's that? That's plastic. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Joel's goals is over. that was joel's goals um it is helpful having four guests instead of three because sort of spreads the poison across equally so everybody gets instead of like 33%. You guys are all getting 25%. Of the poison? Yeah.

Or does it not feel that way? I definitely feel poisoned. Yeah. That's all I had. We can do plugs. We can end it. Or if you guys have any grievances or fun facts or anything you want to share, you know,

I want this to be an open forum. What do you guys think of circumcision? I saw that being debated on Twitter today. Plugs. I think. No, let's, let's talk about it.

Uh, my body, my choice really yeah wow was it your choice though? nah it was not my choice at all so you're arguing for

not circumcision yeah adult circumcisions yeah you're arguing against adult circumcisions? No, I think only adults should be circumcised. What about if you have a... Should it be?

Oh, yeah. I was like, wait, that's maybe the weirdest take you could have, that no baby should be circumcised, but every 18-year-old should. What about getting it put back on now that's interesting I can't believe we're not there yet with the science of it all you know yeah

like we don't have the technology to regrow foreskin you could get a BBL yeah but I can't get a an FSIS-I foreskin implant? What about a BBM BBL? So it's like a BBL

that has like BlackBerry Messenger capabilities. I like that. You can follow me on Twitter at JeffBoyRD. We're 250 away from 10,000. Again, I actually will post a photo of my ass somewhere.

I have to figure out where that's legal. Once we get to 10,000, I already have the photo ready. Let's kick it off to Casey. You can follow me on Twitter at Casey Donahue. You can follow me on Letterboxd at Casey Donahue. That's it. Oh, Casey, have you seen The Black Phone? I have, yes.

What did you think about it? I liked it for the most part. Yeah, I saw it a few months ago, so I'm kind of having a hard time remembering what exactly happened, but it was a good little thriller yeah i thought it was good because it was it made me jump scare a little bit but like some of this normal conversation dialogue nobody would say under those circumstances like

children are going missing every day and then the daughter is like and don't eat all the ice cream before i get home and i'm like what also, I don't think she was a great actor. Ooh, shots fired. Look, I'll go toe-to-toe with this fucker. All right, get the little fucker on the fucking show, and I'll tell her everything she did wrong. Okay. Well, no, hang on,

because I don't actually want her feelings to get hurt. I just want to be honest. Okay, man. want her to like her feelings to get hurt i just want to be honest okay man that's how people respond when someone's being a real asshole uh joel plugs yeah um you can get at me on the gram at jo Mandanoff. And where can people come at you? Like, where do you live in New York? If they want to fight you, uh,

meet me at Shakespeare in the park and I'll take you the fuck down. Othello style. Who is it going gonna be? It's a real power struggle here. It's like, who wants to get out of here enough to go first so that we can finish the plugs, but also who wants to be man enough to go last and hold out. This is unbelievable. Joel Casey should replace Betts.

I think Grayson's going to cave first because he also has to listen to this entire episode back again in the next two days to edit it. Brad is home free as soon as he hops off the Zoom. Yeah, but then Grayson can Brad is home free as soon as he hops off the Zoom. Yeah. Yeah, but then Grayson can also cut it so he finishes first even if he goes second.

That is true. I'll go. I'll go. Follow Rocky Mountain Athletics on Instagram. follow rocky mountain athletics on instagram this is an interesting strategy strategic move because you you're going first but you're plugging grace and shit yeah i'm kind of big time in him wow i like the idea too that brad just has like eight more 10 more 15 more dogs coming and it's like this is against the law i think every time he plugs rocky mountain another one appears

and follow brad on instagram at brad the human follow grayson at uh at gray k wise and go to Rocky Mountain Athletics and run up a waterfall if you've got time. Gray K, we get it. Do you ever do that? No. I'm going to kill myself.

Oh, God. Time might be signed perfectly. The next episode we just don't post anything in the feed just a different host and we don't bring it up at all and it's just angie for five minutes being like this is where the service is gonna be it's at shakes Shakespeare in the Park. That was a Hiddem Original.