The Headgum Podcast - 120: Hen, or Other

Episode Date: September 16, 2022

Amir, Kayla, and Allie join Geoff to run it back for what Geoff calls "segment-mania." Somehow, this episode turned out worse than last week's, and the Headgum brass formally apologizes on Geoff's behalf. The Pit Wall has been greenlit! Subscribe on your favorite podcast app so you don't miss new episodes dropping every Wednesday after a race. Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Shardy Gingervitus. I got an espresso machine. By the way, this is a wax episode. Oh, so you have nothing planned. I have no segments planned. You came in here saying we have a wax episode oh so you have nothing planned I have no segments planned you came in here saying we have a good episode

planned that was to keep morale high that was to have you guys kind of spend the first 15 to 20 minutes being like there's more coming this is it I was at a wedding over the weekend long weekend short week started a new gig

you're blowing all day small talk all in one rapid fire lightning round thank god thank god we had seven straight minutes of amir talking about financial investments yeah and now that's that's only halfway done with the first 15 minutes we still have another half hour to go. I mean... She! She! You have to do it regardless of how mad you are. Something we're working on in couples therapy that in order to break any tension, Jake has to, or Jeff has to call in response,

my she's with a similar she anyway i just don't think that anyway yeah this really isn't working out communication and uh my fear is that things are getting lost in translation. It's giving mids Omar. We're back. On Wednesday. All right. No segments prepared.

I said, let's run it back with as many segments as probable. And that's what I've done today. So this is an episode I'm called. Sorry. probable and that's what i've done today so this is an episode i'm called sorry i think so this is an episode i'm calling segment mania right is it wax free though like we're not gonna catch up because we already did that fully absolutely not let's get into the first segment uh yeah well we should say we have ali khan uh kayla moriarty and amir blumenfeld yet again is this the first back-to-back no there's definitely been like a lot of weeks where it's you me marika and grayson yeah or some shit yeah any head gum historians let us know if this is the first full four for four back to back yeah well ali did you get a haircut no but i did my hair today i decided to make an effort thank you i haven't showered

since sunday yeah okay you also said you woke up 12 minutes ago i would no i woke up up 17 minutes ago still. Okay. Good morning. I've been up and I showered, but thanks for noticing. That's good timing. Welcome to Supermarket Sheep. Sheep. supermarket cheap cheap you guys know supermarket sweet hosted by Leslie Jones sure but like a bunch of stuff in your shopping cart or something

yeah but there's also like mini game shows quizzes and stuff so this is supermarket cheap so the following it's really just questions about grocery items, multiple choice style. Uh, are we ready?

Why not? I think so. Question one, which salad is the best seller at Safeway? A, hen, B, other.

Usually there's like a title screen You didn't do like the photoshop stuff With like We have so many segments I didn't have time to photoshop it Wait so the options are Hen and other I guess other Other salad

Yeah other I don't know what a hen salad is That's correct Well it's like chicken but what a hen salad is. That's correct. Well, it's like chicken, but specifically from females. Yeah. Yeah. What is the official cheese of Joy? Camembert or other? Other.

Other? Because... What guess would you have? Correct. I camembert that game. Nice. other. What guess would you have? Correct! I came on bear that. Nice! That's really good. What would the cheese enjoy be? I don't know if I want to totally

make the judgment call, but I think it'd be like Gouda. Because it's good? Is string cheese a type of cheese or is it like just mozzarella that can be strong i think mozzarella well they used to have string cheese as a kid i haven't had it in probably 30 years i was gonna say do you guys still eat is that okay we can wax a little bit like remember string cheese that's i think you have string cheese at the office actually oh really do you

break this cycle you indulge i'll eat a string cheese but i won't pull it apart with my fingers because i'm not an animal just chomp into it oh interesting so you're i would argue chomping into it is more animalistic really i don't want to like play with my food i just want to eat it oh see that's what i like about that's what i like about string cheese is that it is interactive yeah oh wow there's a ritual yeah i should have a string cheese it's been so long what about kit kats kayla are you biting into all four at the same time are you giving a break once again i'm not an animal i would never do that but i also don't really eat a lot of candy that's not true i eat a ton of sour candy.

I don't eat chocolate that much. But if I gave you a Kit Kat, that's four bars. If it'll make you happy, I'll put all four in just as a bit. Just as a bit. I feel like that. That would make me happy. Thank you. You're welcome.

With a $5.49 coupon, what could you get for free? Breyers ice cream, garlicky pea tendrils, garlic wafers, or cookies and lime Pocky? Garlic wafers. That's not a thing. Pocky? I'll go with option A. Allie is correct. Briar's ice cream is $5.49.

What month is garlic month? A, January. A, Oli. B, Oli. B, April. C, June. B, April. C, June. D, December. That's a really tough one.

I was thinking June, but I don't know why. Hot garlic. Hot garlic, 103. I got a garlic of 103. I'm hot. I'm sorry. Are we boring you, Jeff? You are.

Just singing's not enough. Kayla was right. It was April. Oh. Why? What snack do you... Sorry. Kayla was right it was April oh why it's a valid follow up should we look it up that was my guess cause that's when like a lot of

bulb flowers can be planted garlic is a bulb oh that was smart hot garlic I'm hot garlic I'm hot garlic well I'm hot garlic. I'm hot garlic. Well, April is National Garlic Month, and you can celebrate it in two ways, in the garden and in the kitchen. Thank you.

Doesn't really say why. That's okay. Okay. What snack do you think Liza Minnelli always stocks? A, Balson tea biscuits. B, Dunkaroos. C, garlicky pea tendrils. Or D, cookies and lime Pocky.

It's the same answer choices as the last one. A. I think the last one. A. I think you're right. This one's subjective, but I do think you're right that it's the tea biscuits. With a $7.49 coupon, what could you get for free? A. Bounty paper towels. B. Market

Maven beet salad. C. Wonder Bread. Or D. Wunderburg. How many paper towels? Like a single roll? Let's go double roll. $7 is a lot for two paper towel rolls.

Is garlic pea tendrils an option? No. Beet salad then. You're already over the game this is only second one 12 salad yeah uh what meat is usually most expensive uh or sorry what deli meat is usually most expensive a chicken roll b liverwurst, C, ham, or D, corned beef? Corned beef. Corned beef.

Correct. Corned beef. Corned beef. Corned beef. Corned beef. Yeah. I'm begging you, please don't eat my ham. Steal my cash

my zoom might die so if you see me disappear for like your laptop might die? no my recorder what is the official ham of joy? A. Honey Baked or B. Other Honey Baked

A. Correct alright that was supermarket chi alright welcome to this is the wrong song for it but That was terrible Welcome to Are We Sad? Queen Elizabeth is dead. And here's how we play the game. I'm just going to point.

Junior. Queen Elizabeth Junior. We're going to go down the line here and just say yes or no. Are you sad? Allie, are you sad? No. Kayla, are you sad about the queen dying no i'm here i'm not personally sad though i understand it is sad to lose a family member so i'm sure some people are sad uh i had nothing no personal relationship, no professional.

I mean, we dated back in the day, but other than that, we haven't kept in contact. Okay, so you turned 18 in what, 2000? One, yeah. 2001. So you dated her in her 70s? I didn't ask. A friend set us up. Just where did you go london they said this is my friend liz

my buddy charles was like would you ever be with an older woman and i so you're friends with the current king in a way not anymore the son was setting up his married mother with you it sounds insane have you heard these games before they're all kind of crazy the game is not no that's not why this is crazy because you're saying that yeah you have tea like what did you talk about? I feel like you have nothing in common. Exactly. We tried.

I guess she attended a football game in the 50s, so I was, like, asking her about that, but she had no fucking clue what was going on. Yeah. Okay. She went to, like, a Maryland football game in, like, 1957 or something. Asked her who won. Did she know who you were? No.

No, Jake and Amir hadn't even happened yet. Yeah, she had read my weird live journal in high school, but that's it. There's no way. What? You don't think she was online? I don't think she was on your live. Yeah, I mean, she was also 96. Kind of a miracle she was still alive i what do you guys think the age is where after you die it's like not that sad it's kind of like well yeah is it 85

okay i'll go 90 i don't know how to answer that question 110 wow up come up a silent alright that was are we sad how did you find that off beat this just in a recent article from Consumer Reports titled, Is deodorant ever safe to wear down there? Begs the titular question. So let's put together a list of things to put near your grundle.

And then I'll comment it on the article. Let's put together a list of things to put on your grundle and you'll comment it on the article consumer reports yeah they have comments under the article that you could leave and you're just going to leave a list of things that we come up with to put near your grundle. Yeah. Okay. Okay. I mean, just to start things off, garlicky pea tendrils. Sure.

Cookies and lime pocky. Yeah. Yeah, beet salad. No, let's be serious for a second. I mean, it's not even April it's not garlic month but it would be hot garlic that's for sure so maybe some kind of

fragrance yeah like an artificial one like uh Maison Lurie Marie number four Ballon de Bois. That's the scent that I and Maddie Healy wear.

Nice. I found that out years after I started using it, Allie. But it's still kind of fucking cool. No, I think that is cool. It's fun to be cologne twins yeah um i'm here what are you putting you know down there nothing Nothing.

I don't really feel comfortable asking anyone else in the Zoom. That's correct. Yeah. Wow, you're finally sort of becoming self-aware. Olive oil. Yeah. I don't think so man sides no

nothing garlicky yeah nothing no paste no sauce nothing I do wonder what would happen if you put vanilla extract

somewhere you know you want to smell like hot dessert okay yeah that sounds pretty good You want to smell like hot dessert? Okay. Yeah, that sounds pretty good. I don't know why this one caused everything to come to a halt.

Maybe that's end of list. Maybe that's all you comment. Ask everyone how their cock is and make it better. Yeah. Amir, how's your cock? It's fine. Moving on. This is a real real question when was the last time you had sex don't need to get into last night this morning two weeks ago i'm just trying to nail down your libido so i can help you with what

okay can help you with what okay um all right so what was the list the list was olive oil and sides vanilla garlic spheres oh and vanilla extract and garlic he's getting batteries right and garlic he's getting batteries right garlic pea tendrils right yeah i think that's it i think that's a good list i think that's complete yeah it's sort of like a hard yeah it's like a harvard class of like things to put on your ass like because there's diversity amongst the class you know the best of everything all right i'm back the best snack just gonna the best fragrance the best oil late the best extract for the editor um all right we have to take well no i mean like we could wax for like two seconds you know if you want to have a little bit of waxing but we do have to take a break very soon i just don't want to

end it on this note of me sharing my screen commenting things to put um in and around your sort of downtown area how many segments have we done and how many segments do we have to look forward to? We've done three and we have three more. Okay. All right. Would you say they're more fleshed out than the coming up with things to comment on the Consumer Report article about what to put on your grundle or is that sort of level going forward? Well, it's hard because when you – Because that was one of the six segments that you came up with, right?

Yeah. That was one of the six segments that you came up with, right? Yeah. Because the thing is, two segments, I put the same amount of work I put into two segments into six. So I've spread that effort across six, so they're all half-baked. But this is what y'all wanted. Yeah, third-baked. Really?

Which is not baked, really. Well, yeah, but sometimes it's fun to eat the dough. All right. But you can get really sick if you have the chicken. Take it out after four minutes. Let's take that break, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right?

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I like to drink it first thing in the morning. I'll have a glass of water. I'll have my AG1 and then I'll have my coffee and it gets me set off to take on the day and to be centered and to feel like I did at least one good thing for my health. And if you do that every day, it has compounding effects. If there's one product I had to recommend

to elevate your health, it's AG1. That's why we partnered with them for so long so if you want to take ownership of your health start with ag1 try ag1 and get a free one year supply of vitamin d3 k2 and five free ag1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that again that's drinkag1.com slash what's that? Again, that's DrinkAG1.com slash what's that? Check it out. Welcome to Future Zaddy. So, there are like Zaddies in the world right now, like Jeff Goldblum, I guess George Clooney still Conan if you're a freak true

so I thought it'd be fun to sort of postulate on who could be a future Zeddy based on who's around now and young and hung A future Zeddy. Based on who's around now. And young. And hung. Tom Holland.

What do we think? Who will be an attractive, like, 53-year-old? 60-year-old. Yeah. What's this segment called? Future Zeddy. yeah what's this segment called future zaddy got it so you just basically were coming up with people who are in their 20s and hot no i yeah well sure but do you think they're gonna age like a fine wine or do you think they're gonna age like a

But do you think they're going to age like a fine wine? Or do you think they're going to age like a Like a garlicky pea tendril Or like a coconut cream Pocky Tom Holland's a good dancer I don't know what you're trying to say I don't know if he will be or not I'm more lobbing up the name so we can discuss.

Do you guys think he'll be Zaddy? I'm not exactly convinced. I don't know if he's hot now. I was always under the impression that to be a Zaddy, you had to be Jewish. Interesting. I've never heard that. I've also never heard that. that was maybe just my own assumption going why did you think that well because i thought it was like a like a an off of zady

like a zady zaddy and and that dad are yeah and the daddies are, you know, not Jewish. They're goyim. And the zaddies are Jewish daddies. That's kind of, that's what I always thought. So that's why I paused at the Tom Holland because I was like, I don't think he's Jewish. So you think a zaddy is a Yiddish grandfather slash hot man? I think that a zaddy is a jewish version of daddy that was my impression guys i just looked up the definition of zaddy wow case closed wow how could that be that that that's in the oxford dictionary they use your name as the example

okay now that i'm looking crazy i'm realizing that i'm wrong and that was an assumption that i've made that it was unchecked until this moment that's good but that's what we're doing here we're sort of learning growing changing evolving yeah it evolving. Yeah. It is weird. Like, why the Z at all? What does that, where did that come from? A little pizzazz to their daddy? Yeah. You assume it's like this portmanteau where they grab this and do something else.

What was that? Daddy chill. Sorry, I'm still soaring from being the dictionary definition of Zaddy. I don't think we can move forward, I think. It would just be taking something away from you. It wasn't the definition. Right. It was the example.

You're so pleased with yourself. It is weird that it's spelled the way your name is spelled. Yeah, you never see that. I think that's why I'm floored. But Tom Holland, do we think he'd be a zaddy? Sure. I don't know. Is he Jewish?

Gaten Matarazzo the kid from stranger things which one is that he's like the stockier the kid we're not gonna discuss whether a kid well he's 19 here's my thing i don't know if it's asia or asa um for the purposes of this segment asa butterfield a hundred percent yeah a hundred percent he's already like unbelievably attractive i think it's weird because he because his main thing is sex education. And so he's not sexualized in that because he's a kid in the show. He's a fully adult man. But he has great eyes, I'm sorry to say. Never apologize for that.

That's okay to say. Where was the photo of him that I saw that was like, oh, yeah, that's, of course. What'd you say? We didn't. No one's speaking. This sucks. Can you show this photo, please? I can't find it.

I don't know. Oh, here it is. Okay, here we go right oh yeah his eyes are wild yeah he looks like may martin as a blonde he does look like Mae Martin. That's a same dude. Will Poulter. New segment or this is still part of the same? Because I don't know who that is. Do you mind if I answer some slacks?

Yeah. Yeah, you mind? No, you can. Will Poulter is the guy from We're the Millers mid some samar midsummer how do you say it whatever yeah he died i heard he had a glow up he did that's the guy because he went on a vacation with florence pew and everybody talked about it. But they're just... That's crazy. Just friends. Okay, then if he had to glow up from 18 to whatever, 26, I think it's going to continue.

I think he's going to be a zaddy. The trajectory. Yeah. Although there's highs and lows, you know. You don't want to peak too early. That's true. That would suck. Amira, I'd say you had a Zeddy arc.

I think in 10 years you might be there. Yeah. I mean, my hair is getting grayer, which is one of the... Requirements almost. Yeah. At the very least, half and half. Yeah. Oh, yeah. half and half yeah oh yeah

head gum live show um jeff's hosting a comedy show for us on the sorry 27th Skylar Gisondo who is that you know his face yeah I think he's attractive now in like a weird way

Skylar Gisondo he's the guy attractive now in like a weird way Skylar Gisondo he's the guy who's in like everything oh sure sure he's in the righteous gemstones he really is in everything but he's like

cut up. That's pretty shredded. Yeah, that's nice. Good for him. He's got such a funny face. This, yeah. Let's move on. Let's move on. Let's.

Welcome to Current Zombie. Ah, okay. That was Future Zaddy. okay that was future zaddy yeah this is nothing zombie search zombie on google because i think you coined that are you in the dictionary but it is on urban dictionary zombie yeah this is the definition a tall tan hot woman who makes salaried cash and has her crap together salaried cash she can't have passive income it has to be from an active job oh we should have added celery to the fucking grundle thing because then it could have been salaried cash or celery to gash um that was easy julia roberts no there's only one we don't it's not a discussion it's not up for discussion why do they have to be tall and tan s.e. cup so this is your tweet that you sort

of bump every once in a while this is my thought that i bump every once in a while. This is my thought that I bump every once in a while. Who's S.E. Cup? She's a CNN anchor. Every like three months, Jeff tweets, Is S.E. Do you tag her by the way or are you just right?

I don't tag her. Is S.E. Cup zombie? by the way or you just write is s i don't tag her is s e cup zombie okay and how does the tweet do not well most people don't know who that is or what zombie is Most people don't know who that is. Or what zombie is. I guess because most people, yeah. No, I mean, like, that is the equivalent of Jeff Goldblum in some way.

Sure. Forget it. That segment was supposed to take five minutes. How? All you did was say, we were starting to discuss, and you cut us off and you said no there's only one answer se cup nobody knew who that was you showed the picture 90 seconds later we're out we're done that was supposed to take five minutes i thought you would have thoughts i thought maybe we would talk about se cup you're not really inviting conversation i'm not gonna lie really no this is somehow worse than the waxing episode it's weird how that happened the waxing episode was good

you don't think so i'm into discussing sc cup if you want to discuss se cup i just want you to be honest with what you want because if you you know you slid that in there like like a sneak subject yeah let's talk about se cup okay what's the name of her show uh it's like the power hour or something you don't really know I don't watch CNN it should be like the tea with cup or something like that

yeah getting up with S.E. cup I didn't know she was a republican then not a zombie what about the S.E. Cup. I didn't know she was a Republican. Then not a zombie. What about the S.E.? What does that stand for? Salt eggs.

I heard she wrote The Outsiders. Oh, God. This is two reasons why she can't be zombie to me, at least. She has the same first and middle name as my sister. Wow. Sarah Elizabeth. Sarah Elizabeth, yeah. It's called Essie Cup Unfiltered.

That's pretty good. This is so fucked up. Is that a lackluster video shirt? Where did you get that? How did you have that? Billy sent it to me. They made merch for such a short window of time. It's a good shirt, though.

Yeah. It says that she went to NYU and Cornell. I don't understand why she's a Republican. Because she went to NYU, you can't understand why she's a Republican. And Cornell. I just meant like she's educated. Yeah. I guess a lot of Republicans are educated.

She identifies as a log cabin Republican. Party of Lincoln? Yeah. Yeah. been republican party of lincoln yeah yeah but she voted for biden that's nice well lincoln's republican party is more similar to the democratic party of today that's true cup gets that she has to understand if she's truly zombie she She's educated, remember? Cornell and Ivy. What about the zombies instead of the zombies for a band name? Could be a good modern take on a classic. Maybe. Jeff, do you modern take on a classic. Maybe. Jeff, do you like the zombies?

Nope. This could not be our year. That's a zombies reference. I love that song. I do love that song. What about zombies? Okay. Sorry.

I was just going to ask about Zombie by the Cranberries. Oh, that's good. In your head, zombie, zombie, zombie. Hey, hey, hey. I still like corned beef, corned beef, corned beef, corned beef. I'm begging of you, please don't make a hash. Last segment.

Headgum's got talent. What do you guys got? Don't lean back. Now we don't want to show it to you. What does it mean? You don't deserve to see it. What talent do you guys want to share today? This one's a good one that I can do.

Ready? Whoa. All right. whoa all right that's some witchcraft moriarty i mean i can tap dance wow we'll wait no i don't have my shoes here. And also, no. Where are they? Rhode Island. Alright, you guys want to hop back on at like three, four hours? Eastern? Yeah.

Well, Friday traffic, so it'll be longer than that. Okay. So yeah, we could do 8 p.m. Eastern and then just an insert of Kayla tap dancing. Sure. Do some shuffle ball changes for you all. Time steps. I can do a split.

Also not showing you that. That's scary. Front to back or full sideways? Both. Still? And a cartwheel and a handstand and a backbend. Wow. Do you like stretch a lot?

Like how do you stay live? I would never. If I could get to a place where I could do the splits, I wouldn't be able to sustain it. Well, I grew up dancing competitively. And then in my adult years, I take a lot of yoga. And I'm taking a – I mentioned this on the last podcast, but I'm taking a contortion 101 class online.

That's true. Stay flexible. Jesus. Staying live. Staying live. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Staying live. Live.

Oh. Hash. Live. Oh. Hash. Hash. Allie? I don't know if I have. I don't have the talent show talent, and it's something that I think about almost every day. You can do cross-stitching.

You mentioned that. Oh, yeah. I was going to say. Yeah. Yeah. i was gonna say yeah yeah it's like yeah that's true i got into like victorian era hobbies over the pandemic yeah i can cross stitch i'm like good at like i can like read by candlelight how's your loom let me see your loom panther the loom a fainting couch that's good I would love that I would love a little chase lounge no I actually just finished one the other day

but it's far away so I don't I feel like it's not I don't think it's like worth the journey to show you but yeah I can cross it it's shorter than what Kayla would have to do oh yeah okay I'll show you I'll show you my wall. It's now just becoming

towards my apartment. Jeff, do you have a talent? Oh, that's really good. Oh, wow. That's so good. It's really fun to do while you watch TV. That's very much a talent. Oh, hold on. Jess is trying to make a noise or something i'm very dehydrated right now so it's not gonna work right

it's pretty good oh that's cool very alan ruck of you very alan ruck um what else can i do in third grade for a town show i memorized the presidents in order so it's just like an eight-year-old me being like george washington john adams and i know about 80 of them still so i don't know if you guys want to toss out a number between 1 and 45. I can hit you with a precedent. 18. 1. So 1 is Washington.

That's an easy one. 18, I know, is Ulysses S. Grant. Jeff, you can verify. 37 is tough. Kennedy, Nixon. Who was 17 then? Andrew Johnson was 17. I want to say Gerald Ford was 37. What was the what was the first one 18 yeah that's grant for sure

that's grant 37 gerald ford uh nixon nixon was 37 wow 24 24 was the same as 22 which was gro Grover Cleveland. This is very impressive. That's cool. Thanks, yeah. The trick was to memorize five a day for about a week and a half, and then I have it. What do you guys have going on? 30 years ago, so it's been kind of locked in there.

Obviously not perfect. What was Nixon being wrong? That's how I memorized Jabberwocky by Lewis Carroll. See? Still in here. The HeadGum Show. We're doing a comedy show

case of sorts. Getting a phone call from Mentor Ohio Jeff have you ever heard of that city who's that Mentor Ohio yeah headgum.com slash live live show in LA at our office holy shit so come on by

say hi and stay live Ally holy shit so come on by say hi and stay live ally yeah head come show uh very excited about it september 22nd get tickets they're selling now and uh follow me on social media at ally con dean aka kayla moriarty um i would like everyone to follow gumball sm on twitter please and then follow me kayla la moriarty thank you amir on instagram and twitter and i just found out about this yesterday but if you are a student at the university of rhode island or salve regina i'm doing a guest lecture on marketing there at the end of this month. That's so cool.

Go Rams. Go Rams. At JeffBriardi on Twitter. We'll see you guys again next week. This whole thing has been Daz folks peace that was a Hidgum Original.