The Headgum Podcast - 130: Biggest Loser: Personality Edition (w/ Cory Lane!)

Episode Date: November 25, 2022

Comedian/friend Cory Lane joins Amir, Allie, and Geoff to discuss granola, vintage glassware, and being a loser! The Pit Wall has been greenlit! Subscribe on your favorite podcast app so you don't miss new episodes dropping every Wednesday after a race. Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify. Join the Headgum DiscordSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. Oh. For like, running? That's what I, he said, oh, you'll be faster in the pool. I'm like, I haven't swam since I was 17. And then he kind of said, mmm, 17. Oh, God.

That's not true. No, that's not true. But he, uh, Paris cut that out. No, but he was like, you should narrow your legs. And I was like, why would I just shave them like the whole point is to just even it out which I still might do this

so that it doesn't look like I have a patch but then my legs are like you really you'd rather have a patch than half grown hair in your leg for the full leg

you don't want to stumble and for the summer forget the full leg yeah um but uh I didn't really know what he was aiming at

what are you aiming at yeah that's from our friday october 28th. Let's fucking get it over with. Get it over with. Let's make the content that we have to make. We're banking episodes, so a lot of it has to do with getting work done. That's how it feels to me, at least.

It's like, oh, the holidays are coming up. Let's get some episodes in the bag that way i'm not stressed at the beginning and end of december i can take some time fucking off for once right and so you want to make sure that those are dated so when people listen to them in november and december they know that it's not something that happened recently i mean again i can edit freely too so i you, this is just so you guys know how I'm feeling. Got it.

I'd like to make it in. Just to avoid stress, but you seem very stressed. I am. Yeah. But you're saying it would be more stressful to record over the holidays?

It'd be more stressful to get six episodes done in two weeks. The first two weeks of December. I see. Yeah. So now you're stressed now instead of during December 3rd.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is kind of huge for me. Yeah. So now you're stressed now instead of during December 3rd. Right. Yeah. Which is kind of huge for me. We've got Corey Peter Lane on the fucking show. Thanks for having me. Yeah. This is a rare occurrence where I have like some of my comedian best friends on the show. I see. Usually it's y'all. Best friends?

Corey's one of my best friends. I'd say that I'm one of Jeffrey's best friends. Never heard of Corey. I don't talk to you about my personal life because you don't offer the same in return. I know George for sure. That's because he interned for you. Yeah. You only know people you work with. And who else have we met through Jeff?

Like all those guys, the crew basically. The crew? Riley. Oh yeah, Riley. Riley works here a lot. Riley works here, right? Yeah. Corey hasn't really come up, so for him to be your best friend feels

I mean Corey would you say that Jeff is your best friend? Jake definitely knows about Corey I'll say that I match people's level of intimacy and vulnerability so if they give me a lot like Kayla talks to me about her emotions

I'll do the same she knows more about me than you do. And she's only known me for a year and a half. I'm kind of feeling like we should talk more then. We should, because I feel like you would offer that up, but a mere sort of offense. I want to know less about you and for you to know less about me.

So I think what I've done is somehow not very much, but still too much, if that makes sense. Yeah. And then we got Ali Khan on the sex and Amir Blumenfeld on the fax. The Couch Potatoes. Nice. Do we have a name?

I don't think it's cool to have a name. I think what just happened is that. We're just Jeffrey and Corey and the Couch Potatoes. You never hear of a band that's two people's proper names and then the blinks. Right. Yeah. Like Matt and Kim

and the couch potatoes. Yeah. Matt and Kim and. Yeah. Toro and the couch potatoes. Yeah. What's another example? George and John

and the Beatles. Yeah. It'd be fun if like Simon and Garfunkel and Hall and Oates. Oh, that's cool. Like they did like a treat, do

a quad quad act. A quartet. A quartet, yeah. Yeah, that's what I said. Do you guys have a voice of God mic today? We sure do. I feel like you guys have a voice of God mic today? We sure do. I feel like you guys like music.

Yeah. No, but I mean like specifically are knowledgeable about niche or music than most. Yeah, I think so. Thanks, Jeff. This is a compliment coming from me. Yeah. What would you lob up as a quad? Sunny and Cher and...

You want two more? Yeah. Sonny and Cher and Sonny Bono and Bono. Bono. Bono. Bono. Fuck. Cher and Sonny and Bono.

That's cool. That's really cool, actually. Crosby and Stills and Nash and Bono. That's the only one that doesn't work because it is Crosby, Stills, Nash, Ann, Nash, and Bono. That's the only one that doesn't work because it is Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young, so you're just adding Ann's. But that's kind of funny. That's pretty funny because commas

do serve a purpose, but I don't think that they would be as popular if they were Crosby, Ann, Stills, Ann, Nash, and Young. Although we would still have a comma. Isn't that like a famous grammatical debate? The Oxford comma? Yeah. I'm pro-Oxford comma.

That's the comma before and? Yeah. Yeah. Also, I would say that the smartest people in the world would say use the Oxford comma. Yeah, that's why I would agree with that. Yeah. Yeah.

Because we're all from Oxford. Yeah, we all went to Oxford. Tom York lives in Oxford. And my brother-in-law and sister met at Oxford University. Comma and cum. They would see Tom York walking around all the time. Who cares? Who cares?

Someone you know, someone met, saw Tom York? Yeah, like no interaction, just saw. That's so removed man it's nice to see famous people walking about sure it's nice for us but to hear that someone else did is a non

starter back to the best friend sort of thing yeah I was fascinated by that yeah I was that came out of nowhere right that is cool you guys been one on one time together that didn't that came out of nowhere right that was like that that is cool you guys spend one-on-one time that's cool that i think you're one of my best friends no that you know i think that it's cool that your sister-in-law saw tom york like you said that they pulled away yeah yeah and i'm, that's awesome. It's not,

they saw him once. It's they would see him every day. That's really cool. Yeah. I don't believe that. Any quirks or? Going to the cafe shop

and looking angry, I think. There's that Tom York song. I don't know the title, but it's like, now you know who your real friends are. Creep.

No. How do you guys know each other? I are. Creep. No. How do you guys know each other? I'd love to know your origins. I mean, this is just out of the blue for, like, have you ever heard of Corey? I mean, I love that I know you now. Yes. But out of the blue for sure. But I don't want you

to feel like I don't talk about you. You don't have to talk about me. No! I don't talk about you at my job. Corey currently works at the CDC I do No Yeah Let's talk boosters

Because I just got one that knocked me the fuck out I just got one and I didn't have any side effects So that didn't work You got the placebo Which I think they're giving out Yeah, yeah, yeah They're giving them out Sugar juice

Yeah, they give you sugar juice Yeah, how did you guys meet? We were fast friends We met at a party Well, we met first at UCLA through vaguely college comedy.

Yeah. And then didn't see each other for like three years. He had short, short hair. Yeah. And like clean shaven. Yeah. I remember meeting him

and we were in a sketch. Yeah. And you had long hair and sort of facial hair and then Jeff over the last few years sort of So you do know him.

He's sort of single white female in you he's becoming you I did as you guys get closer to one another and together like somebody complimented my outfit on my way in here it was me I'm sorry I was actually kind of nervous

the only people by the way at the studio at all are the people in this room and Kayla there's a lot of other people here on the people in this room. And Kayla. No, no, no, no, no, no. There's a lot of other people here on the way in. There's lots of people outside. Tom York was here. Yeah, yeah.

I just didn't even think to mention it. Yeah. And I did put on an outfit, because I think Jeffrey dresses really nicely. Interesting. I really needed to fucking hear that. Yeah. And then I got here way before you,

and you came in here, like, pretty late. But I saw you get out of your cool car in your cool outfit, and I was like, shit. That's cool. But what is he compensating for? Oh, interesting. Yeah.

Like, why are you just afraid to wear plain clothes and drive a normal car? Exactly right. Which you do. So I have to imagine you're sort of... I mean, that's true. I'm sort of normcore.

Like, I'll wear a t-shirt and drive a Mazda. I think if you wore Chuck Taylors, you'd be normcore, but the shoes make it feel like, oh, he's not confident. Interesting. I don't know what voice it is that you used, but you used, I'll wear a t-shirt and drive a Mazda. You are wearing a t-shirt and you did drive a Mazda. You said it as if you weren't currently.

That's not so hypothetical, right? I have to point out the promise that you made to the listeners that you made good on just now, which is you'd wear the My Cousin Vinny t-shirt. Oh, yeah. You know what? And it wasn't even intentional, so I'm glad it worked out. That's really cool.

Thank you. Kismet. I actually would do Kismet after this. What is that? The rotisserie. Oh, is it like a chicken place? Yeah, it's a rotisserie chicken jawn. It's like a bougie.

It's a hipster Zanku. Anyway. That's a very LA reference. I feel like Beck talked about Zanku chicken, so Zanku is hipster. My brother-in-law saw Beck once. In Oxford? Actually, it was Oxfordshire.

You want to go to Oxfordshire? For sure. Yeah, and then we met at a house party years later. And then I was like, I know you and I don't really know anyone else at this party. And then we came to the Hedgum office that night, played basketball. The one here? The one here, because it was over here off Sun this is recent fairly this was last summer and then we played basketball i drunkenly fell into one of the agave plants stabbed my thumb it was hard to masturbate for a bit and then uh and we talked about that that was the only noticeable difference and then uh we and then And then he hosted the show.

Well, we went up on your roof. And we went up on my roof. You guys had an epic night. This is a hell of a night. It was kind of a wildly romantic night. Met at a party, came here to play basketball, and then ended up drunk on a roof. Yeah. And the injury, too.

It's very A Star is Born. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Terrifying. And then I dropped him off in his house. Oh, we also found out that we live like three blocks from each other. We're neighbors. Who

had their phone on loud? It's fine. This show is the show to have that happen on. Right. Yeah. Jeff's being so weirdly nice. It's because he knows I don't listen to the podcast. So that his personality inside the podcast, he has to be outside of podcast Jeff for me right now.

I see. That literally happens every time we have a guest on the show. But we found out that we lived in the same little like canyon area. I was going to say where, but you still live there. I don't. Anyway, and I was like, oh, we should be friends. And then we became friends. He invited me to do stand

up for the first time in his garage that's nice yeah and then we weirdly had a party what's that it's rare to make a friend at a party yeah maybe for you that's what a party's for parties usually for hanging out with people that you already know I rarely create

new friendships at these social gatherings that's fair I also had just broken up with my girlfriend of four years, like two weeks before we met. Right. Okay, so you were both available for a new connection. Yeah. And I was like, I'm just my, he's friends with my front house neighbors. And they're like, we're going to go to a party. And I was like, you know what?

I'm single. I'm going to go to a party. Wow. You have this incredible romantic night with jeff yeah have you guys seen each other since uh we've really been wanting to get together for the last year and a half and this seemed like the right way to do it and then we almost got arrested in williamsburg that's an exaggeration together yeah we got cited for drinking in public yeah what were you doing in new york uh i do. I was doing a show at Union Hall.

Wow. Yeah. And yeah, we were out there in like November, December. Yeah. January. January. Anyway. Yeah.

March? It was March. It was really cold. And they pulled us over and Jeffrey gave them his ID. And then I gave them my student ID and a fake address. That's cool. I felt really cool. You shouldn't say that on a record.

Oh, yeah. I forgot that a lot of NYPD love audio. Our biggest demos are Toronto, San Francisco Bay Area, New York Police Department. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We do have to move on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We do have to move on. Let's keep it going with everybody's Bond of the Week.

Let's start with Allie. Okay. Who do you got? This might be crazy, and this idea just popped in my head now, so I'm sorry if someone's already said it. Okay. Should we go Bond Muppet?

Wow. Like, I was gonna say that. That's really you had nothing that's really good yeah like maybe it's a Michael Caine's bond everybody else is a Muppet that's good and then who okay and we should say Michael Caine's never been James Bond no but he has been Ebenezer Scrooge, who's been top of mind recently for me for other reasons. What's that reason? Because it's nowhere near like the holidays or anything. Well, I was trying to plan a group costume for Halloween. And I was like, wouldn't it be really good if we were all Ebenezer Scrooges?

George is being Ebene or scrooge really yeah okay so it's in the air yeah so but here's the problem is that my like this doesn't matter budget uh like a men's nightcap that's sorry i keep bumping this that's a triangle it's really it's really expensive it's 28 to buy a men's nightcap. And not that I can't afford it, but also it's like I'm never going to wear it again. How much should that cost? I would say like I would pay $10 max. Men's nightcap? Yeah, because you'll never have to.

You just have to literally throw it away after. No, yeah. I will say if you are still able to get it today, I can ask George if he found one yet or if that's his costume for tonight. And then if not, go in on it. It's 14 bucks. Okay. Which is much closer to your price.

No, that's negotiable. Yeah. Bond of the Week. We do this segment where ever since Daniel Craig was out as Bond, we cast our, we lob up our casting options for the next James. Okay. Pass for now. Okay. Anya and Casey,

what do you guys think? Do you have something? Okay, hear me out. Yeah. Bond. Bond. No. Bond-o.

Bond-o. Bond-o. That's really good. I want to bond with the sunglasses that kind of just keep going. Yeah, yeah. And he's so annoying. Yeah. He shows with the sunglasses that kind of just keep going. Yeah, yeah. And he's so annoying. Yeah.

He shows up everywhere. Everyone's like, oh no. He's in the movie and then, oh, like the soundtrack is by U2. Yeah, right. They would not have gotten that without him. Right. The Bond song is like the worst song you've ever heard.

And it's like already preloaded on your phone. It's a Bondiful day. That's really good Okay I have one A rebrand of a classic music festival Bondaroo And then who's playing Bond 7000 people in Tennessee In a muddy field

As Bond Smashing Pumpkins Bond Yeah The muddy field in Tennessee. So it's like smashing pumpkin's bond. the 1975? That wasn't the 1917. Which is the film 1917. The World War I. Yeah, World War I film about friendship. The 1975

bond. Yeah. That's good. That would be fun if it was almost like every scene is a different band or performer My bond of the week is Pierce Brosnan He's already been right bond streets back all right That's a London joke. That's a Backstreet Boys joke. That's a joke about Pierce Brosnan coming back I'm gonna kill myself He gave the culmination speech

at my university. That's cool. I went to your graduation. You went to UCLA? That's cool. Both my brothers went to UCLA. What year did they graduate? They're older than I. They're in their 40s.

Yeah, I wasn't there then. 95, 99. I dated somebody who went to UCLA, and so I went to your graduation, but a different, the comm school. Right. And so their graduation speaker, their commencement speaker or whatever,

was the CEO of Sugarfina. So that's cool. Peter Sprosman was yours, yeah. He literally was like, when I was shooting Bond, I was like, this is awesome. This person was like, yeah, like I kind of stumbled into owning a candy company. And it was so clear she came from generational wealth. Yeah.

Anyway, Bond of the Week. Yours are never interesting. Well, on your talking about the Bond song got me thinking maybe the bond song should be a parody of the thong song okay maybe let me see so a cisco style bond so it's the pop singer cisco yeah uh as bond doing a thong song parody called the Bond song. Bond, ba-bond, bond, bond. Exactly. That song came out when Jeffrey was born, so he doesn't quite remember it, but sure.

Delish recently published an article about the 35 holiday potluck recipes that'll get you re-invited year after year. I'd like to talk about some recipes that will get you uninvited indefinitely. Okay. Mmm, yeah. I'm thinking spam chowder.

Weren't you supposed to show your ass on Twitter today? Oh, yeah. Congrats on your 10K, wasn't it? Yeah. Yeah. I just think of that because when I think of spam chowder, I think about... Gam chowder. Gam's louder.

I'm not going to bare my ass on the internet. I'm not going to do it. the internet I'm not gonna do it what do you guys think what gets you uninvited I think that I recently had to make fake goo for a sketch and so I just dyed pudding green but then it wasn't gooey enough so I put a whole box

of cornstarch in it. And then I ate some of it to see what it tasted like. And it was so vile. So if I brought that, just green goo. Yeah. Sugar goo. Nightmare ambrosia. Yeah, exactly.

I think that I would not be invited back. Allie, what do you think? You know what? I don't trust recipes that have the word surprise in the title. Anything that, like like tuna surprise. I'm like. Surprise, it's not tuna. That's not what I'm looking for.

Yeah. Surprise, it's vile. Casino is also a bad one for a thing. Clams Casino. Anything Rockefeller. Yeah. Anything shellfish related with an additive word to it. Anything delight.

These are all in the same vein. What about crockpot and possible meat? Crockpot and possible meat. That's like a set of words that should activate a sleeper cell. Yeah, because impossible meat is already sort of pre-cooked, right? Like, if you ate Impossible burgers raw, would you get sick? No, because it's vegetables. Huh.

What about Impossible tartare? That's really good. Mmm, Impossible carpaccio. It's like Jell-O. It's just Jell-O. Impossible Jell-O mold of sorts. We've got mashed tomatoes. That's pretty bad.

Although, kind of what ketchup is. Yeah. Or pasta sauce. Okay. But you bring like a side of ketchup. Mashed. Just a big bowl of ketchup. Yeah, I brought this gazpacho.

It's more like a sweet gazpacho with like some malt vinegar. It just is ketchup. Granola. This is to like the potluck you bring granola? Yeah, I forgot that we're saying bad stuff. I was about to dunk on you so fucking hard.

I know people who make their own granola. It seems to be not worth it. I haven't gotten on that train. It's like oats plus all this other stuff and then you bake it and then you have granola. Oats and other. Granola is almost as cheap as oats. So like you're not really saving anything. Would you say that granola is breakfast

Chex mix? I'd refrain from saying such a thing even if I believed it. I think that it's very granola the adjective to make your own granola the noun. 100%. And I think that's where it comes from though. Yeah. Well no granola, the adjective, to make your own granola, the noun. 100%. And I think that's where it comes from, no? Yeah.

Well, no, granola is a verb. You're granola-ing the oats. Is that true? No, no way. Like buffalo, buffalo, buffalo, buffalo. Let's go around all six of us and just kind of say the first and last name of the most granola person we've ever slept with. and just kind of say the first and last name of the most granola person we've ever slept with. I think it'll be...

I'm not going to say it. I'll bleep it out, but I think it's... Oh, right. Huge hiker. My favorite thing about you and... is that you and this person you just mentioned... Yeah. ...is that I didn't know that you two were sleeping together

and I expressed romantic interest in her and you said, and I quote, go for it, man. And you were actively sleeping with each other. I was like, okay. Yeah, but that was before we became exclusive. So I was like, yeah, if you want. Best friends, man.

What the fuck were we talking about? You don't have to do that. A recent Fortune article poses the question, can you get addicted to melatonin? The answer, according to the article, is not really. That's the entire article. Wow. It's really good that an Ivy League nepotism baby

got to make $25,000 writing that article. Not really. I also thought you said 4chan weird. According to 4chan, per the tasting table, less is more when using Sardinian cured tuna hearts.

Let's talk about it. I don't know what any of those things are. Sardinian canned tuna hearts. You got to branch out. I'm not going to eat those. I'm sorry. No, I just think like I would love to see you have a new hobby. I feel like, Allie, the last time you were on, you were talking about taking up a new hobby. Yeah.

I don't exactly remember what it was, but you were talking about it. It's just something that could get me some cash. That's what it was. Monetizing joy. It was how do I monetize joy, which I think is really interesting. Maybe I'll start selling men's nightcaps. Kneecaps? Nightcaps.

Nightcaps. For all the scrooges out there. Yeah, you'll be like a prosthetics salesperson. Or it's you like selling like summer 2020 era bottled cocktails. But really gendering whiskey. Boy drink. Yummy yum boy town. And we also have a gin drink.

Girl. And then this one I want to talk about all together. How to winterize hydrangeas. What do we think? Didn't even pronounce that right. Hydrangeas? How to winterize hydrangeas. I just think of It's a Wonderful Life where she's like,

in the hydrangea bushes. My big takeaway is that this article is by Carol J. Michelle, and then who I can only assume is like a DJ with lowercase cluess. Who's cluess? Cluess. Every time who's Cluess? Cluess. Every time we record in the studio on a Friday morning, I don't eat breakfast,

and then I have a huge pint of cold brew, and my face starts vibrating, and I get anxious. Okay, this article, from these first two lines, this is the same thing as the melatonin, where it's, you don't have to do much to prepare for winter. I don't even prune my hydrangeas in the fall.

And they have a link. Can hydrangeas survive frost? Yes. Sure. How are you guys at keeping plants alive? Not good. Poor. Getting better. The plants that my ex gave me when she broke up with me and

the ones that she gave me right before she broke up with me and then the ones that she gave me right before she broke up with me and then left LA forever are still alive oh that's good but I like

haven't watered them in a while I kind of want them to die I'm like I like I need to move on from the plants or

winterizing hydrangeas like when should you is my big question yeah I guess the question the golden question is why Winterizing hydrangeas. Like, when should you is my big question. Yeah, I guess the question, the golden question is why winterize hydrangeas. Right. And it seems like the answer is you don't have to or... Yeah. Oh, they don't need much extra attention.

Good, okay. So it's the same. Have you ever been pegged? Don't look at me and say that word. We've already discussed this offline. Sorry, and I shouldn't have blown up at you because, you know, sex positivity and all that word. We've already discussed this offline. Sorry. And I shouldn't have blown up at you because, you know, sex positivity and all that shit. But

you needle me and at a certain point I'm going to have to push back. Yeah, I poke and prod to get this because it's sort of like, there he is. Yeah, wait. Right? What's needling? Is that like pegging? Yeah, but it's into your dick hole. With a really big bang. That has a name.

It's sounding. We've been talking a lot about sounding on the podcast. Have you? Actually, that was review, review. Well, it's sounding. Glad you asked. Sounding is when you, for lack of a better term, fuck your urethra. Yeah, with like a metal rod.

And why is that called that? And it's called sounding? Yeah, and I don't understand why people do it. I've never tried it, but there's no way that's pleasurable. Is it a pain thing? It's probably a pain thing.

There's a lot of people who are real, and this is coming from a sex positive place, real fucked up in the head. Yeah, messed up and bad. And bad. People who should be criminals. But I have heard that it's sort of like a runner's

high thing, where if you sound for long enough, Casey, it starts to feel, you get that dopamine rush. My chest is now vibrating. Eat food, I guess, before having caffeine. You pray love, too. And it's also a lot of caffeine.

It's probably the equivalent of four coffees, four black coffees that you're drinking. A pint of concentrate like that. Yeah. To the point of Best Friends, I literally did the same thing. I drank a cup of coffee at my house, ate nothing, came here, had a cup of coffee and a seltzer, and I'm really feeling it. Buzzing.

I'm buzzing. And you're beezing. I saw you doing that. I'm beezing. Yeah. And I'm really buzzing. I'm buzzing. And you're beezing. I saw you doing that. I'm beezing. Yeah. And I did mushrooms last night. Did you actually? Just a little.

That's good. A little micro. Have you ever pegged somebody? No. Okay. We do have to take a quick break. Do you guys have an HR department? We do not.

The HR department is Marty. And that's a real fucking problem. We'll be right back. Guys, taking care of your health isn't always easy, right? But it should be simple. That's why for the last three years I've been taking AG1, just one scoop and a cup of water mixed around every day, no exceptions. And it helps me feel, you know, energized, focused, ready to take on the day.

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to take ownership of your health, start with AG ag1 try ag1 and get a free one year supply of vitamin d3 k2 and five free ag1 travel packs with your first purchase exclusively at drinkag1.com slash what's that again that's drinkag1.com slash what's that check it out uh well uh this is a fucking segment that I like to call What the Cool Kids Are Into, speaking of Narcan. A recent, I guess we should wait for the song. I'm gonna have an anxiety attack. Yeah, you picked a really anxiety

Inducing song And it's starting again You really do look unwell That's not ideal for me I wanna look hot Yeah anyway Do I look good? No you look great.

Thank you. Kidding me? Do you think you're going to eat after this episode and before the next one, or just keep riding the caffeine thing until 3, 4 p.m.? I'm not going to eat before the second episode. So you'll look worse then. Yeah. Yeah, see the face of God.

Yeah. This is a, well, I read a New York Times article called What the Cool Kids Are Super Into. And they were talking about Perfectly Imperfect, which is a cult newsletter for downtown tastemakers. And they held, you guys are looking at me like you do not care or you want to hurt me physically. A cult newsletter for downtown tastemakers is another CIA. So we're just not going to talk about the hydrangeas at all. I can't. Yeah.

I bought some hydrangeas at Trader Joe's and I put them in two vases in my house. I bought flowers for myself. That's cool. I think it's nice. It's an act of self-love. Yeah. Radical. Yeah.

Radical self-love. Nobody buys boys flowers. That's true. That's true. Yeah. Unless you're in a play. Nobody buys boys flowers. That's true.

Unless you're in a play. So it's sort of like, I don't know, the village voice, but hipper, younger, and nicher. Fuck you guys. We're fucking listening to you. Again, I want to know. You need like a bagel.

I need a flagel What's that? Bagels are too much bread Flagel is a flatter thang You're fucking jittery man You're scaring me Jitterbug So this fucking guy

Started this cult newsletter Talking to like young people. You're having a heart attack. Yes. My heart is beating fast. I was supposed to get cholesterol blood work done this morning and I slept through it. Uh-huh. Yes.

That's probably for the best. I have FH. Which is? Familial hypercholesterolemia. My LDL is through the fucking roof on you. Is that the good one? No, that's all bad. 272 ML per Gs or something.

The normal is under 200. Got it. Should we all pitch real quick on how to fix that? I think we should pitch on how to let me out of my fucking misery. I think that if you were really, really sick and you wanted to be euthanasia, and you said, I'm the only, like, Corey, I need you to do this. And you proved it like you did. Yeah, I think I could kill you if it helped you.

I agree. But I think there's so many people that want to kill me, like truly homicidal. You wouldn't want to take that opportunity away from me. You're like, look, this will fuck up, Corey, for a long time. This will be awesome. This will be for a handful of four. I don't know. Name them. You're like, look, this will fuck up Corey for a long time, but this will be awesome for a handful of people. For, I don't know. Name them.

You, I guess. Well, I'll take a stab, but I don't need to go whole hog if somebody else wants to do it more. I don't think euthanasia is like stabbing someone. Interesting. Okay. I'll hear you out. Sorry, man. For the last two years, the cult newsletter Perfectly Imperfect has offered a window into the changing

guard of New York City's downtown scene with a deceptively simple premise. Cool people like cool things. Deceptively simple. And they say the New York Times is a failing institution. Started during the loneliest days of the pandemic the newsletter start offers highly curated recommendations from on the cusp tastemakers and aspiring aesthetics including the synth pop singer

jake lazovic never heard of him the canadian painter chloe wise love the name really yeah okay cool the model mitka odo And the Euphoria actress Chloe Cherry. Two Chloe's. Yeah. My, yeah. I was just going to just also say two Chloe's and then really not comment on it. I was just going to go two Chloe's. Or put more succinctly, Cluess.

Nice. Cluess. Thank you. The founder of the newsletter said, I don't want to seem full of myself or anything, but Perfectly Imperfect is probably the most sprawling cultural document of who and what was cool during the time we're in right now incredibly heuristic but also how many cultural documents are attempting to cover the moment that we're in right now it's like we're much better than yeah national geographic

specifically south of 10th in new york like so then the article sort of gives all these people a platform like this is an example harrison patrick smith 26 uh indie pop prince for the dare and then he says august by taylor swift i really like the taylor swift song karma i think it's a great song and like has a paragraph about what he thinks is cool this long-winded nonsense uh has been me being like what do you guys think is cool mostly you two because i feel like with you it doesn't count onion casey i think it also counts but their cusp their cusp was that supposed to mean they're not as old as me but like i'm a sagittarius but scorpio cusp like i am a sagittarius but i'm on the cusp of Scorpio. That's why I'm so good at sex.

I'm a Gemini and a Taurus cusp. And that's why, I don't know, a lot of girls who that matters to, it's bad. I just want to say that I'm looking over your shoulder and I can see their ages. that I'm looking over your shoulder and I can see their ages and I do want to commit acts of violence for every person that's younger than me on this most of them are 26 or 27

which is a great age to be it's older than me yeah I can start 24 and 23 year olds I can start because I'm kind of interested in that and this is earnest okay for once and I kind of styled it like the way that they did, right? Yeah.

So my thing is investing in glassware. You can find really great sets of high-quality vintage glassware on Etsy that elevate any drink you make at home. I also think, at least in LA, it's more about having people over to your house nowadays than going out, which is probably a product of the dust finally settling on the post-post-vax era of hedonism. I picked up a set of six diamond-p diamond pattern crystal rocks glasses on Etsy for $59, and I know I'll probably have them for the next decade or more.

That's a quote that you gave to yourself? I love that the premise of this show is that you have the opportunity to come up with a succinct response to your own questions and then lob them at people. We didn't have that to write down. I haven't been thinking about it for the last day. But nice. So in 45 words or less, what have you been doing that's cool and how? You just don't have to be so succinctly.

What have you been doing that's cool and how? You just don't have to be so succinctly. So you're saying that post-vaccine is like when the vaccine first came out, people were going out and being hedonistic. Yes. Like in the summer of 2021 or whatever. Yeah. And the dust has already settled on that and people are like moving back sort of towards a home party environment. And thus, they're investing more in houseware. party environment and thus they're investing more in houseware i think that it's also coming at a time in our lives where we're valuing those sorts of things where it's like yeah the the pandemic we

were like oh i really wish that i could go out yeah because that's when we would have been going out but now it's like we can have a dinner party and we're not having it under the premise that this is the only thing we're actually allowed to do. Yeah. Like we could go out. We're making a decision to stay home. Yeah. We're being forced to stay home.

I also feel like that's a reflection of your age in a good way where you're like, okay, I kind of hit like my early mid-20s window and let's get some good plates. Yeah. No, I agree. Like let's figure out what my style is in my kitchen. Who am I at this party? My style is in my kitchen who am i at this party my style is italian air air like yes okay not generationally wealthy italian estate owner right with glassware and china to match love it and so as far as generational wealth how is that wealth like um

you know kept during like the 1930s 1940s how was that maintained or was the we've we almost never do this but we have to take another break oh my god this is so fucked up. So rare. What I will say is the man I was specifically thinking of, Auro Montanari, a.k.a. John Goldberger, is a Jewish-Italian man. Auro Montanaro?

Montanari. No, okay. I just wanted to make sure it wasn't a generational thing. Yeah. Welcome to the Biggest Loser Personality Edition. Introducing our judges, Anya, Speed. Great. And, well, me. Let's meet our contestants. Amir Blumenfeld.

Kind of the fan favorite to win this. Ali Khan. Not quite sure why she's on this show. Not the episode of the podcast, but this specifically. And Corey Peter Lane could go either way. This is Biggest Loser Personality Edition. So the judge panel is made up of me, Anya Casey.

I'm going to ask you guys a series of probing questions that are going to sort of get to the bottom of how big a loser y'all are. And this is for genuinely $100 cash. Oh, hell yeah.

As long as it's genuine. I will Venmo you $100. It is funny because Amir needs that money the least out of the three of us. So it goes to the biggest loser? Yeah. Also, according to financial charts, you are a millionaire. I want to make that clear. Anyway.

It's uncomfortable to talk about money. I'm fine talking about it. That's because you don't have any money. Yeah, I don't have any. I I'm fine talking about it. That's because you don't have any money. Yeah, I don't have any. I don't mind talking about it. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm going to throw this and answer in a way that reflects really poorly on me because I'd love that $100. Exactly right.

Okay. Here we go. What's your guiltiest? Oh, and then, so they're going to answer the questions, right? And then the three of us have to be like, which one of that is the biggest loser answer? Perfect. Great. That's kind of what I do all day.

So instead of silently judging us, you're going to have to actually say it out loud what's your guiltiest pleasure uh what's my guiltiest pleasure daily fantasy basketball oh he's making it so easy. Do you have one? I'm thinking. Yeah, I do. Okay, go for it. I love videos on TikTok of kids falling down or getting hurt. Like hitting the head with a plastic bat. America's Funniest Home Video style.

But like cinema verite. See the one of the guy who kicked a fake soccer ball on a string and then the Russian looking lady went to kick it and missed and then fell on her ass? No. I saw that one recently. It was pretty good. I want to kind of circle back to the Russian looking lady. Oh, yeah. I love that you said – you almost said Russian looking.

It seemed Russian but it might have just been a Russian looking lady. Right. been a Russian looking lady. Lately I've been getting into like I get very like hyper fixated on certain pop culture figures and then I deep dive sometimes for months at a time. Right now it's Carrie Fisher so I'm reading every single novel Carrie Fisher's ever written. Wow. Wow. So you know

I'm putting adding that to the table. That's really good. I think that's cool. I think that's neutral and I think that daily fantasy anything is kind of... You suck. All right, well, you're just one judge, so I look forward to hearing that. Because, you know, sports is relatively at least... It's cool to watch sports.

It's cool to bet on sports. Or be in them. Yeah. It's really cool to be in sports. Oh, yeah, for sure. Like, to be an athlete would be cool. Yeah. What do you cool to be in sports. Oh yeah, for sure. Like to be an athlete would be cool. What do you do when there's no basketball happening? I'll watch a different

sport like football or tennis. On your KC? I'm going to have to say the biggest loser in this category is Corey. Only because it's a very passive thing.

Amir's active you know setting lineups Ali is learning and Corey is laughing at other people's pain children's pain specifically so that's a loser activity if you ask me and you know Casey's telling the truth because you guys just met

so he's not like trying to be polite to you right sorry when you meet someone's not like trying to be polite to you. Right. Yeah. Sorry, when you meet someone you're not trying to be polite. I feel like I get ruder the more I know someone. Hearing this means it's real honesty.

Otherwise he would just be like, I think Amir's is the worst because like we go back the furthest if that makes sense. Yeah. We could never see each other again and you could just tell me how you really feel and I appreciate the honesty.

The candor. This is tough for me because my boyfriend also loves to watch little children getting hurt on the internet and I think it's really messed up. But that's not the category. It's not like who's is most messed up. Who is most messed up. Fantasy anything to me is an automatic.

It's a no. One for Amir. All right. That's fair. What's the last thing you googled on your phone look it up right now oh this is fun wipe out all right that's a mirror for this one oh whoa how to donate cash when your dick is big. Well, here we are. I got a bunch of good ones. Some of them are boring. Just the most recent one.

Thanks so much. The most recent one just says TW and I don't know why. Trigger warning? Yeah, maybe. The one before that is King of Wishful Thinking which is a song I wanted to hear on YouTube.

Adam Sandler movies streaming. I feel like you don't need to... I don't even have to say anything. Mine is Vandenberg launch schedule. What the fuck is Vandenberg? So there's a military base in Santa Barbara? Wait, wait. I need to explain.

They launched a satellite yesterday. SpaceX. Yeah, but I didn't know that that was happening, so I looked into the sky and genuinely thought we were about to get nuked by Korea. I thought I was watching, because the way that it, we were like, is that a plane? That's not a plane.

And it had a jet stream. It was a rocket. And I was like, I accepted death. The idea of you holing up in our old neighborhood, well, you're at neighborhood, which is like very much so

like a secluded area. Looking up into the sky and having nuclear anxiety is that you're a loser for that. My vote is you. Nuclear anxiety. I was like, oh, here it comes.

They're nuking a chic east side neighborhood. Anya, Casey, what do you think? Do you have one ready? Go ahead, Casey. I have a question for Corey, if that's allowed. In the moment when you thought you were going to die, how did you feel? Well, I actually had just had lunch with a friend who I hadn't seen in a while. And it was a yummy lunch.

And we were hanging out with his dog. And I did have the thought like, this is okay. It's a nice way to go. Yeah. You've experienced the most fun part of your life. And now we can call it a day. And you won't be missing out because everybody's dying. Everybody's dying. But it's not even that it was the most fun part of your life and now we can call it a day and you won't be missing out because everybody's dying everybody's dying

but it's not even that it was the most fun it's just that I was like oh that's what it's these little moments it's beautiful I'd have to say because of that answer because of accepting your mortality is a great personality trait so I'm gonna have to go with Amir on this one

unreal unreal Is a great personality trait, so I'm gonna have to go with a mirror on this one Unreal it wasn't even fantasy basketball related Yet mine is Cory because I'm not a hundred percent convinced that you don't want to just see what SpaceX is doing You voted me on the off chance I was Googling it just out of curiosity and I made up the nuke story. Oh, fuck, fuck. Alright, we gotta go through these fast. Has a partner ever embarrassed you in front of your friends?

Yeah, sure. Oh, okay. Forget it. Most shameful romantic experience? Or sexual? I'm sure prematurely ejaculating in some way, shape, or form. I'm like cycling through too many. I got walked in on the first time that I'd ever had sex.

Like the first one. And'd ever had sex like the first one and it was her best friend and her best friend's nickname was Kirby so at the point of my first climax I said no Kirby no you were coming? yeah that's what climax means

dorks punch him in the shoulder that's what climax means bitch means? Dorks. Punch him in the shoulder. That's what fx means, bitch. One time someone came over to my house that was like, it was a date and I opened the door and they were wearing flip flops and I immediately

was like, but then I was like, well, they're here. That's just embarrassing for them. No, I know. Well, it's embarrassing for me that I didn't wrap it up. Yeah. I think if his answer wasn't so specifically no, Kirby, no, I would vote you. So I'm going to go Corey.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to have to say Corey's essentially living a American pie scene therefore I gotta give it to him I don't know why I thought you were gonna say yeah I think it's clear that Corey's living a bad life

he's kind of a loser the title of this game yeah Corey same nice of us to not we're doing all the men in the world who are listening a real favor by not acknowledging Amir's and just saying that that's fine. I don't know if this is a shameful experience.

We're normalizing prematurely, Jack. But I did when I was in college because it was hit or miss, but I was like, yeah, sometimes I wouldn't last that long. I did get a fleshlight trainer thing. Wait, this is your second time getting a fleshlight? Well, the first time I didn't actually get long. I did get a fleshlight trainer thing. Wait, this is your second time getting a fleshlight?

Yeah, well, the first time I didn't actually get it. Second time telling the story. So yeah, men out there, train, brother. I think most men, their problem now is that they're all on antidepressants

and it's awesome. Yeah. Oh, then get on Welbutrin, the happy horny pill according to the Joni, not Joni Mitchell. Michelle Phillips. Michelle Pfeiffer.

Michelle Phillips. Gloria Steinem once called Wellbutrin the happy horny pill in her 1951 essay. Yeah, Mother Teresa called it. What's the dumbest purchase you've ever made? Who the fuck is calling me? Oh. I think it's my phone vibrating. What's the dumbest purchase you've ever made?

Probably cryptocurrency related. Yeah. Okay, during like early, early days of the pandemic, I was living with my parents and I was knee deep in season one Dickinson. And I bought a Victorian nightgown. I got a brass candle holder and a long candlestick and I walked around my parents' house at night,

haunting. It was just like a for me to me joke. No one else was there. Wow, those are really two hard ones to judge. I want to hear Corey's for this round, but I am going to veto any judgment. That's going to be two things for Alex. That's crazy. A brass candle holder.

I wanted to walk down the stairs and go, who's there? And I did. And I did. And I did. I think that the dumbest purchase that I made, the one that most recently comes to mind is that my cat was peeing on my bed a lot. And I bought a straw. And I bought a straw. And I sucked that shit up. He was peeing on my bed.

And I was like, well, now he like thinks that the bed is like his litter box. So I'm just going to get a new bed. So I spent like, I went, I took a nap appointment at the Casper store. You can set aside $800. It was like $1,300. Um, 1,300 for the mattress or for the nap appointment. The mattress costs $25,000.

But we should say that you work at the CDC making $73,000 a year. $75,000. But I went and took a nap appointment and then was upsold by the mattress person. Got a $1,200, $1,300 mattress. And then my cat peed on it day one. And I was like, oh, cool. So it's not the smell. It's that you're a fucker.

And again, that is almost good enough to take the cake for this round but Ally's was just better biggest sexual insecurity why is it always sexual with you it's probably the same answer I'm sex positive

same answer as the other sex one premature climax probably that I'm too good at it that's pretty cool the other sex one. Okay. Premature climax. Probably that I'm too good at it. That's pretty cool. You're seeding this round to Corey. Well,

I actually have to rethink because I was going to go for a joke like that. I was going to say that I enjoy foreplay too much and I'm too giving. All right. Skipping this one.

Weirdest thing you've done in front of a mirror this year I can answer to start us off I've been working on my body I think it looks really good naked and I was sort of like I wonder what people see

when I'm in them and so I positioned a mirror and then sort of like, I wonder what people see when I'm in them. And so I positioned a mirror and then sort of fucked my bed to see what that looked like. And it looked pretty good. Can we all skip? What could we possibly say that's lamer than that? What's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to you? Mine is what he just did. The meanest thing anyone's ever said to you. Mine is what he just did.

The meanest thing anyone's ever said to me? Ooh, one time somebody, it was a teacher, and he said, you're not as charming as you think you are. You've told me that and that's fucked up.

That's pretty good. Teachers don't like when kids are charming. I think that sometimes they see a young person who's going to grow up to be more important than them. And then they're like, I'm going to take you down a peg. You heard it here first. HeadGum Podcast.

Fuck teachers. Fuck teachers. Fuck them all. I'm going to say that to every camera. Unless you work at a private school. Unless you work at a private school. I can't remember a specific mean thing. No, yeah.

Is the next round, what's the thing that first came to your mind before you started thinking of the one you were more comfortable saying? Yeah. Let's skip this one for time. What's the most childish thing you still do? Play video games.

Okay. Probably like an active Victorian ghost fantasy at night. I still get cranky and bored. I'll still cry when I'm hangry. Okay.

My vote's Corey on that one. Yeah, throwing a tantrum that's a Corey for me. I threw a temper tantrum last night because I was like I didn't plan well enough for my Halloween costume and now I'd have to be

hot, Ron. Yeah, I guess. Fuck you, man. What? Fuck you man. Man. What do you guys think? Casey gave it to me

oh right okay I'm just I kind of give it to Jeff for what you just said yeah have you ever looked at salt lamp

yes no what is that it's like all three possible answers yeah those are the only three answers

and I actually think Amir not knowing what it is makes him the biggest loser. A salt lamp? Yeah, they're like, it's like a Himalayan salt lamp. It's like a pink rock that you plug in and there's a light bulb inside of it. Lights up and people who have like eczema really enjoy it, I think.

Does it help their eczema or is that a personality trait? People who have eczema love this style. Well, maybe I'm just drawing a connection that a lot of my friends who are fighting that eczema love this style. Well, maybe I'm just drawing a connection that a lot of my friends who are fighting that eczema fight also have salt lamps.

Maybe I'm making a connection. I really don't know. I also love the way that Amir said a salt lamp. Imagining a lamp with like

an extended magazine on it. I don't quite understand. Still really. Rapid fire these last five. What's the biggest lie you tell yourself?

Last five? It's not going to get still really rapid fire these last five what's the biggest lie you tell yourself last five it's not gonna get funnier than that the biggest loser is Corey yes we do have to wrap it up so That was easy.

Plugs! Sorry, just felt. What do you guys have going on? What do you want to point the people to? The floor is yours. Oh, when does this come out? This comes out... December 10th, I want to say? people to? The floor is yours. Oh, when does this come out? This comes out... December 10th, I want to say?

It is not for a while. Okay, so next week, the episode we're recording after this comes out, and then the last New York... November 18th. November 18th. Okay, cool. I've got a show at the Elysian in... I've got a show at the Elysian in... Oh, my God, where is it? Where's the Elysian in uh uh in I've got a show at the Elysian in um oh my god where is it where's the Elysian

Frogtown I got a show at the Elysian in Frogtown on in Los Angeles in Los Angeles uh on December 1st at 7 30 p.m business casual business casual it's my sketch group yeah they have a they're a very funny sketch group yeah we've got Will Sennennett and Dylan Adler and a bunch of other fun people on it. Just was talking to somebody about Will Sennett last night. He's so funny. Social media? Great handle. Social media is at Captain underscore sad underscore beard.

And like a depressed pirate. And I'm Capt Sad Beard on on twitter and captain sad beard on tiktok um my friends who don't know you that well but have vaguely met you are always like oh there's captain sad beard yes people come up to me in person go like oh because i get like tagged and stuff yeah people shows and they're like captain sad beard i'm like that works for me yeah ally never shave not to have a competing event but thursday december 1st i've come happy hour oh yeah oh my gosh well this is weird mine is also a thing on the first i'm having an orgy

it's me sean pearl edging at home trying to get my stamina up on the first that's a Thursday at 10pm so come find me my show's at 7.30 so we don't conflict so come find me

we can do both just skip the what is it happy hour or whatever yeah you're hosting but it's fine and at Jeff Boyardee on Twitter

at Jeff Free James on Instagram thanks for listening to this episode of the show thanks for having me man yeah this whole thing was well duh That was a Hiddem original.