The Headgum Podcast - 134: There's Something About Dairy (w/ Cory Lane & Billy Scafuri!)

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

Gumball's Senior Creator Partnerships Manager Alex Berkman makes her Headgum Podcast debut alongside comedians Cory Lane and Billy Scafuri, Marika, and Geoff! They discuss hangovers, Edward Fortyhands, and The Bone Channel. Plus, they take a deep dive into dairy! The Pit Wall has been greenlit! Subscribe on your favorite podcast app so you don't miss new episodes dropping every Wednesday after a race. Advertise on The Headgum Podcast via Gumball.fm Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Rate The Headgum Podcast 5-stars on Spotify. Join the Headgum Discord.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Previously on the HeadGum Podcast. We're about 17 minutes in, so we have three more minutes to fill, and that's up to you guys. Let's see if you guys can get the word of the week in the next three minutes. The. And. Your. Passion fruit.

Steely. Was. It's always something really dumb. Since. What did you say? Hat. No. It's not hat. When. When. was it's always something really dumb since hat when when would be good but not when who business

business twine goose egg nest let's do bird things wing beak let's do bird tail feather what if it was let's you got it We might title this episode HodgePodge because no one here knows each other. We've got Billy Scafuri from the No Joke Podcast, Emmy Award winner, we should say.

We've got Alex Berkman making our HeadGum Podcast debut. What is your job title? Senior Creator Partnerships Manager. Huge. So you get ads. You get branded content. Creators to join the platform. Creators to join the platform.

That was going to be my fourth guess. Jeff just listed what he thinks people in an office do. So you get ads? I don't actually work at this network. Corey Lane returning. Your episode was a hit, so we had to have you back. Thank you. Also, I needed someone else.

Oh, wow. You should practice quitting while you're ahead when you're complimenting people. Well, I tried to get you and Madison to come. She couldn't do it. And then you said yes. And so then I was like, who else can, you know. I have a very lowly supervised work from home job. Yeah.

And we should say you work for a government agency. I do work for a government agency. Marika Brownlee on the sacks, obviously. Casey Donahue on the facts. We've got you on a voice of God, Mike. That's right. Let's keep you highly active during this episode. Jeff's coming in nervous.

I'm coming. He feels on tilt right now. Is it just me? We did an episode. What's that? I was agreeing to tell all of this. What's that? What are you talking about me?

Are you guys talking about me? What's going on? We just did an episode this morning at 10. Now it's noon. And that one was the episode that was more outlined. We have a plan here, but it really relies on your guys' personalities, your joy, your inner child.

May I ask you a question? You may not. Okay. Marika, you have anything for me? Do I have anything for you? Questions, concerns from New York City? Yeah, I'd like to know what the DoorDash order that we just received is.

We'll get there. That's actually the last segment. Do you want to start with that segment? Do you want to start with that segment? We can start with that segment. Don't put this on me. You're the one that just timed things poorly. I didn't time things poorly.

I didn't want to. What do you want me to do? I scheduled it ahead to get there at noon so that it would be there for sure. And if there are any issues, any refunds, any substitutions, I could still order it. You always complain that when I order things for this show in LA that I don't send it to you in New York. The first time I do it, I get lambasted by you. Lambasted? I've never, you've never ordered things for this show in LA, period.

You just send things to Amir at random hours of the night. That's true. One time I sent Amir DJ Khaled's wings, or like chicken wing company, ghost kitchen, through DoorDash. I didn't know he was out of town. So this food sat there on his doorstep rotting for a week. No, it wasn't the wings. It wasn't the wings.

That was lobster Thermador. Yeah. That was lobster Thermidor. Yeah. It was lobster Thermidor. He was out of town for days. Well, they didn't have Clams Casino, so I had to get the lobster Thermidor. Have to is the thing that you should explore in that sentence. You didn't have to do any of that.

I disagree. You recorded a podcast today at 10 a.m.? Yep. Yesterday, when you invited me out to this podcast. Correct. You gave me a five-minute window to respond if I could do a 10 a.m. podcast today at 10 a.m.? Yep. Yesterday, when you invited me out to this podcast. Correct. You gave me a five-minute window to respond if I could do a 10 a.m. podcast today. And you said, oh, we lost that window. We did.

Well, what do you mean we did? Because you just said you recorded at 10 a.m. We filled up. Okay, so I lost that window. You lost that window. Oh, wow. I might have not worded it correctly. Correctly.

To address the energy coming into this podcast Can I just ask real quick Were they unkind to you in the podcast this morning? Was anybody mean to you? Who was on that one? It was Billy Brick And my friends Cecily and Lucy Comedians Oh I love them

Those just sound like people that would be mean to you Would or would not? Would not, they don't sound like mean They were kind of mean I think Billy would be mean to you. Would or would not? Would not. They don't sound like me. They were kind of mean. Oh, were they? I think Billy would be mean to you. Yeah. I guess I don't know Billy.

Yeah. The other two people. We did a squat off. It was two squats to handle. Too many squats to handle was the name of the game. And so we did who can do the most squats in three minutes while also being bombarded by questions. Who won? I did, technically.

I love setting up games for you to win. I didn't think I was going to. Anyway, and then Cecily won, but... What inspired the squat off? I came up with the title, Too Many Squats to Handle, and then kind of backed my way... Well, I backed that ass up.

I also backed my way into what the game was. I don't even understand the play on words for too many spots to have well i commit to that what is that what does that play on words up well i try you know we try to do like game shows uh inspired segments oh and that's too hot to handle yeah oh thank you big help cory i got you man good look it out um you've been on the show before you've been on the show before marika unfortunately is like a weekly staple alex what do you want people to know about you what do you want to point the people to You've been on the show before. You've been on the show before. Marika, unfortunately, is like a weekly staple. Alex, what do you want people to know about you?

What do you want to point the people to? The floor is yours. I am very hungover today. Really? Wow, fun. From the company dinner? Yes. Wow.

Now I wish I had gone instead of outlining this episode for three hours. So I'm actively trying not to die. I can't believe you said yes. I asked Alex ten minutes ago if she wanted to be on this episode because Amir bailed. You don't have to do this

if you're really hungover, but I really appreciate you powering through. I think it felt right. Felt like a good fit. I'm already in pain. Why not just double down and do this podcast? It's like when you're sad and you listen to sad songs.

Yeah. Lean in. Yeah, lean in. How was the party? It was great. Yeah? Fun. Had a lot of wine.

Was it wine? Yeah. It was a lot of wine. Did anybody embarrass themselves? Casey, maybe? Casey was looking fresh. I didn't say anything. Casey was wearing his bolo tie And he was winning

Alex told me How sharp I looked And it really made my night It seems to have also made your this morning Yeah You're glowing That's a beautiful smile It's really nice to get a compliment on my clothes

You know I don't think I've ever been As happy as you look right now That reminds me I'm also not hungover But you're just giving your finger To Alex Marika what did you do last

I just Wanted to say one thing which is that i saw a cowboy-esque shirt that i've been meaning to send you and so i'm going to do that now finally because this reminded me of that okay great can't wait to see it what did i do last night is what you asked Jeff yeah I watched the Netflix movie the Noel Diary which wasn't very good but I had a hoot and a holler was Marika on your other episode no okay so this is your first time meeting her hi nice to meet you Marika am I the only one who feels like can kind of speed things up a little bit? Speed things up?

Her cadence is a little... I think that there's like a vibe. It's a vibe. It's definitely a vibe for sure. It's a vibe. It's a vibe. It is one of the, I'd say, top complaints that I see on the internet about myself. But I don't really care.

I think it takes confidence to operate at your own speed, Marika. Let's keep things going with everyone. Bond of the Week. You're still doing Bond of the Week? Alex, have you ever heard the show? No. Fuck! Alex have you ever heard the show No Fuck

You're still doing this My image of you is like She doesn't have to find you You're already here She doesn't have to research you as a creator You're here She's listening to other people to see if they want to come on the podcast Exactly

She was quality and control. I did listen to one episode. Which episode? It was literally you just like telling a very long story. It was the audio book episode? Yes. And I didn't understand what was going on whatsoever. I was very confused.

That's because I couldn't book any guests that week and we had to put some shit out and so I read a chapter from this book that we do bits about on this show. Anyway, we do this segment

called Bond of the Week. Daniel Craig is out as 007 and so every week until the next James' cast we're lobbing up our pick for the next Bond. This week, my pick is Billy Skafuri. Thank you.

I think the... What's that? Thank you. Got it. You're already jacked. You don't have to work out for the role. And I also think Lustick could be the gadgets guy. Oh, he is a human gadget.

Just quit Twitter. He quit Twitter? He quit Twitter. Because of Musk? Because of Musk. Yeah. I hope that the whole thing goes belly up because I'd love to have less social media. I found it funny that one of my close friends, Adam, quit social media right around the same

week that you said, if I get to 10,000 followers, I'll post my ass. So please follow me. I saw your ass. Yeah. So two different directions there. One a very sweaty, kind of like, please follow me. I need followers. And one like, I'm good here. I think that's the perfect thing to go out on uh or go out with an ass yeah okay

did you see my ass on twitter interesting um professionally better that way yeah i i hired a boudoir photographer because i got to 10 000 followers and then i rented a pier space loft took a very tasteful photo of my ass, posted it to the internet. We were downtown this weekend and you're like, that's the loft that I took the picture of my ass. I was like, that's awesome.

That's true. Such a casual, hey, have you seen my ass on Twitter? You'll always have that loft. Sorry, Mariko, one second. What were you saying? Yeah. I've got my meanness back.

It's been a couple weeks where I've kind of reined it in But I think it's the turtleneck I thought you were going to be nice today Yeah I did say right before we recorded I was like maybe I'll be nice to everybody And then I realized I didn't want to do that Yeah you definitely wouldn't

My bond of the week is Casey And his bolo tie Wow nice This is huge for me. What a day. Casey, have you ever worn a bolo to work? No. No, I haven't. They're like for events only? Yeah. I kind of gave up regular ties

and I've switched to bolo. I got a handful of them. Nice. And it's a real compliment getter. You're kind of a uniform guy, I would say. Like, you play within the uniform, but I kind of know what to expect from you, which is a cool thing.

Wow. This is huge for me. I think it's the nice episode only, like, across the booth. I also love the... We keep describing the only person not on camera. Bounce of the Week, do you guys have anybody? Ideas for the next James? Yeah.

I think I'm ready to do it. Me. Corey Peter Lane. Yeah, I think that they haven't had an Irish bond and they've also not had a Jewish bond and I could do both. That sounds like every Brit's worst nightmare. Yeah, I know.

We just come in there and take their jobs and have sex with their wives. But that was like their problem like 50 years ago. They've got other problems now, but 50 years ago they were really worried about us Irish and Jewish people. Yeah. So your cast is Bond today.

Yeah. What do you do? Shooting shooting starts in let's say March Yeah, are you changing the hair? Are you trimming the beard? I'm getting worse You're getting more layered longer, um, I do clean up my unibrow I'm gonna let it go. I'm gonna let it go. Yep. Yep I'm gonna Go on like an ice cream diet. I'm gonna let it go. Yep, yep. I'm gonna go on, like, an ice cream diet. I'm gonna be the first. You do the Ryan Gosling.

Yeah, I'm gonna be 400 pounds. And then you show up on day one. Yeah, wheezing. Mr. Lane, write this way to hair and makeup, and you say. Oh, no. No hair and makeup for me. I've done it. Yeah, and then do you do your own stunts?

Of course. But do you train for them? No. No. And i die on set like the the crow wow yeah that's in his contract must die yeah and so it never really comes out but all your interactions with women aren't like being suave betting them it's no it's very uncomfortable nothing that you can really quite put a finger on is wrong but so you prepare for the movie like the crow and then you quote the raven to never more yeah yeah and then i die and everyone's like that's okay yeah why did they cast that guy as bond anyway he had he hasn't really done much

and then he like killed himself, essentially. I remember you asking this, starting this game, the James Bond game that we're playing right now, like 50 episodes ago when I was on. And I'm just shocked that it's lasted this long. I'm fucking waiting on Barbara Broccoli to make the decision. Who's Barbara Broccoli? The producer of Bond. And she's like, Is that her last name? Yeah

And the guy who started the first Don Stringbean? Yeah right Fucking Bojack Horseman ass names Damien Edamame I said Shrek 50 episodes ago And I still think Shrek would make a great Bond Yeah

I guess he'd be like Em Let me hop in on that great bond. Yeah, I guess he'd be like, M. Let me hop in on that kind of like pseudo-killing-yourself thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can kill yourself on it, too. How are you feeling right now, Jeff? Well, I'm starting to soar off cold brew. My cortisol levels are all over the fucking place

because I haven't had water and I didn't eat anything this morning. Alex, do you have any ideas for bonds? The next James Bond? I would have to go with Larry David. That'd be good. That's a good one. That's a really good one.

Yeah. I just want to be cringing the whole time. And it all takes place. Like afraid that he's gonna keel over from stunts or just like his general demeanor.

General demeanor. But maybe maybe keeling over too. He's getting old. A grumpy Bond. A grumpy Bond. Grumpy Bond. Doesn't want to be here. Doesn't want to solve problems.

No. He's so put upon every time that he's like called in to solve something. He's like ugh. And also when the Bond girl dies he's like

Larry Bond. Larry Bond is a great name. like... Larry Bond. Larry Bond is a great name. Bond. Larry Bond. Larry Bond. The whole movie takes place like west of Sawtelle, but north of Venice and south of the Palisades. Where Jewish people live? That's just where all of Curb Your Enthusiasm takes place.

Oh, okay, never mind. I was trying to catch you in an anti-Semitic... Let's take it into news of the day. A recent CNBC article argues that COVID-19 changed the dating landscape and argues for sober first dates instead of, like, getting a drink. What do you guys think the best first date is? Genuine answer. Yeah.

This is a genuine question. Okay. Like a first date that didn't start off as a first date. But then by the end you're like. Oh this is a first date. Yeah. You've accidentally. Are the last two people somewhere.

Or you. Or the first two people somewhere. And you get some one on one time. And then by the end you're like, oh, and then when you do go on what is technically your first date, it kind of feels like a second date. That's cool. Yeah, I've actually. That's happened to me before. Yeah, me too. It's great.

It's organic. A lot of the best relationships I've had have started that way. Yeah. Shout out. Hey, man. Who were you pointing to? Camera two. Camera two.

Shout out. Oh, yeah. Let's keep going. I'll bleep it all out. Marika, let's hear it. Faster. Obviously. You put me on the spot i don't know by the way in the doordash bag is some speed so actually let's let's get that in trucker speed yeah you're just like prolonging it because you're just complaining and it's taking longer i think like a like a walk somewhere like in a park yeah for sure yeah you know how like i forget which acting school this is but it's like uh

paying attention to your physicality and like what center of your body you lead with informs the character you have your nose so high up in the air your energy is like snooty and holier than thou today. Whoa. So uncalled for. No, I'm just, I have bones to pick with. Is that like Second City? Okay, yeah.

Yeah, pick the bones then. That was it, mostly. That and the speed with which you're talking. That's your walk in the park you said? Yeah. I mean, we're all obviously Team Marika. Yeah, 100%. We can clear that up right now, right?

No one is siding with Jeff. The TV even wants to get out of here. Yeah, I broke the TV. The TV even wants to leave right now. All in. Casey's all in. Can I maybe comment? Casey's like, this has to be fixed.

And go ahead and look at one of the cameras and show them how great you look today because I think that we've been talking about you a lot and you look really good. Hey, buddy. Marika, if I may comment on your body language, I think that if we were in the same room, you'd be like attacking Jeff

and would you want me to do that for you uh yeah that would be great cool i think there's like also a delay problem and i feel like if i were just like in the same room it'd be like slightly faster no marika jeff is just jeff is just being Jeff. You've done nothing wrong here whatsoever. I'm aware. Yeah, I know you're aware, but I just want you to hear it from someone else because we're trying to make sense of what's happening and you're fine. You're perfect just the way you are.

Thanks. You're welcome. Thank you so much. Agreed. You said her nose is so high up in the air. You used words like snooty. Holier than thou. Hoity-toity.

I don't know if she said hoity-toity. No, I was adding. Oh, now you're adding. Tripling down. So we've got group hang, lingering, and then first real date. That's a mischaracterization of what I had said. No, like one-on-one time within a group setting, and then your first actual date feels Okay, that's a mischaracterization of what I had said. No, like, one-on-one time within a group setting, and then your first actual date feels like a second. We've got

Walk in the Park. What do you guys got? Hit us with it. I like Walk in the Park, and I will just add to that that by the end of the walk, you'll maybe both know, kind of to your point, do we want this to keep going? Do we want to get fries now? Do we want to share a plate of fries or something like that? It doesn't have to be, like, big meal where suddenly someone's going broke or someone's like clocking

how much money is going in and out. But I do like the idea of like a free simple event and then we could decide, hey, you want to keep this going a little longer. Yeah. And I think day dates. I'll just say day dates. Really? There's just so much more. I don't know. To me, night time comes with night life, comes with hooking up. All that energy is kind of just all

mixed up in there. That's fair. Yeah. So on the sober point i think a day date is a nice way to start yeah i thought you meant gifting them a rolex day date excuse me alex um i'd have to go with the way that me and my boyfriend met uh playing edward forty hands wow a bar in isla vista wow they let you play that at a bar everybody who who duck who duct taped the 40s to your hands the bouncer yeah wait this is at a bar yeah i've never heard of someone playing ever did you go to ucsb yeah i feel like just that city is owned by university culture Isla Vista is just

that's awesome I do I didn't get in who put them on your hands I would like I think just friends yeah it wasn't a one-on-one date we were it was just kind of like it happened that would be so funny

I didn't think it was across the table but you just had two 40s duct taped to your head. I might do that. You have 80 ounces of malt liquor. That is really funny.

It was a date though. I'll have the pork chop just splashing Oldie on your forehead. Wait, and then what was the second date? Flip cup.

Exactly, no. Honestly, it was months later at a jazz bar dinner situation. Of course, the natural 40 hands to jazz bar. And that's the spectrum of dating. Jazz club or Edward 40 hands. Those are the two ends.

That's so funny. That's awesome. When was the moment you realized this is the guy for me? About three months in. That's late. What? That's so many dates.

Well, no, not long term. I mean just that you wanted to pursue it more than a casual thing. The first time. The first time. That's fun. We do have to move on, well, not to a new segment but I see. The first time. The first time. Yeah. Okay. That's fun. We do have to move on. Well, not to a new segment, but to more news of the day.

Also, per CNBC, in the US, you can quote, legally be fired for any reason or no reason at all. Let's talk about it. How do I still have employment here?

I was expecting Amir to be on this episode and I thought he would jump down my throat immediately on that one. I could maybe not like speak for him, but speak to that. Yeah. I think that you're a good-looking guy.

That's not good for comedy. Well, no. And you didn't let me finish. That is about it. Just hotty. Yeah, you're really hot. So people let you do so. The long lost remains of the last known Tasmanian tiger have been found in a cupboard.

Wait, we're just off that? We have to keep it rolling. Okay. We've already lost like five minutes to Marika's drawl. What was in a cupboard? The long lost remains of the last known Tasmanian tiger. Who's cupboard? That's crazy.

That's a great question. That's what I want to know. A cupboard? Not even a closet? Yeah. Like a pantry? Like next to the baking soda they found this Tasmanian tiger?

Like what's a cupboard exactly? It's like a pantry, I think. A small closet? Yeah. Okay. The Wall Street Journal reports kids don't want cash anymore. They want Robux. What's a Robux?

Glad you asked. It's a digital currency that does not appreciate in value like crypto, but really just exists within the Roblox games, which I don't really know what those are either. It's like if Legos made a game, kind of. Got it. It's like, you know, Roblox, like, are like kind of like Legos that you can't swallow. They made a game online that kids play.

That sounds like a game in and of itself, though. Don't swallow the Lego. It's like hot potato. You have to put as many in your mouth without instinctually swallowing one. The co-hosts of Good Morning America fucked each other. I love the body reset for each one of these news. Hey, so. I'm telling a spot along.

You guys heard about this? Yeah, thoughts? Have you guys heard about this? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah guys heard about this? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah. It's so funny.

So, fittingly named, here's what you need to know. Paparazzi shots of them cozying up and holding hands and visiting each other's New York City apartments have surfaced. Rumors are circulating that they fucked off to a private cottage in the New York City, not New York City. New York Mountains. And on their last broadcast, one host said, who's looking forward to the weekend? And the other said,

I am. And there was a third host that said nothing. Best of all, I wanted to screen share this. The last Instagram post from the guy, TJ Holmes, was this. This particular, this was an anniversary post

for his wife. This particular decade challenge is a little late, so he didn't even post on the day. But 10 years, Merrily Feebig married me, and despite my best efforts, she remained married to me

the past 10 years. That's not hyperbole I'm not being dramatic I gave her plenty of reasons excuses and opportunities to walk her fine ass out the door but instead with her built in black woman superpower she showed a grace and patience

that's incomprehensible asking her for another 10 years would be asking too much another 10 months that might even be a stretch if she gave me another 10 weeks I should consider myself lucky if she puts me up with me for another 10 days I'd asking too much. Another 10 months? That might even be a stretch. If she gave me another 10 weeks, I should consider myself lucky. If she puts up with me for another 10 days, I'd be grateful, but if she could even spare another 10 minutes of her time for me today, I would consider myself blessed.

Casey, can you leave the echo in for all of this? Oh my god. Can I have the remote, Jeff, please? Yep. Oh, please. Yep. Oh, nice. Oh, wow. Lucky Dog seems to be playing on the Bone Channel.

Let's watch Degrassi. Maybe we should just watch TV for the next 10 or so. I'm sorry. Lucky Dog seems to be playing on the Bone Channel is the funniest string of words I've ever heard in my life. Everything's coming apart as we stumble across the halfway point. We all knew this would happen. Let's take a break.

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We're back. Everything's fine. Do you ever see that Radiohead music video where the water slowly comes up for Tom York and he's just drowning, but really really slowly, and he gets through singing the entire song? That feels like Jeff today. I'm just watching my friend slowly slowly swim and just drowned out here

Yeah But looking great doing it We've confirmed you're a hottie I saw a homeless guy that looked like you today on the way here Was he also wearing a turtleneck? No but he was dressed very well I complimented Jeff's fashion when we walked in today.

What makes you think that he was unhoused? Wow. I have to screen share. They didn't do this last episode. I actually think I'd rather watch that than do this. Imagine being hungover, coming to work, saying, I don't want to be here today obviously getting bombarded by jeff 10 minutes before and then just watching him play with wires and trying

to fix echo fix an echo for the next two hours i remember this podcast why won't it let me podcast now. It was conduct you don't usually see from a conductor. Tim Schultes took the New York based Chelsea Symphony on a wild sleigh ride. Tim is a teacher, not a conductor. He only got to lead the orchestra because he won a raffle.

It was like a Carol Burnett episode. I was like, how can I make them laugh? Maybe by wagging your butt while wearing a kilt? Tim was totally uninhibited. He was totally the music. Artistic director Matthew Aubin was playing the French horn. I actually had to look away from him a lot because he was making me laugh. Tim kept looking back at the audience. The musicians already knew the song. You think they were ignoring you completely? She sounds mad about it.

My favorite move of his was when he put the baton up in the air and kind of twirled it around like a lasso. Instead of dignified drama, Tim opted to loop it up like Whoopi and Sister asked. Tim was once a Broadway dancer. His conducting stint got rave reviews.

He slayed that. He killed that. That was what got me going was that trombone in the back. He was going nuts. And when it was over, he did what all good conductors do, gave the orchestra their due. In this case, the music went to the maestro's head genie most cnn new york do you ever think that podcasting and news they're all part of the same media legacy and that woman going like and then he did something nobody expected like that's like you're all part of the same evolution of news do you ever do you

ever see that and see what you're doing and go like we're sisters of the same cloth do you ever think what's happening right now is that everyone wants to be against me but you're doing and go like we're sisters of the same cloth do you ever think what's happening right now is that everyone wants to be against me but you're saying nonsense and they're them two are giving looks like all right we're about to be with you just make a little bit of sense yeah they maybe if if you were saying this they would have hopped on and said like that's not stupid you're saying that podcasting is media. You're breaking down to that. Yeah, I guess. Podcasting is radio.

Podcasting is radio, and the news was on the radio before it was on TV, and just watching that, like, that's news. There was a tint of, like, she didn't like what was going on. Everything was on the radio before it was on TV. My question is, why did we watch that? I was just... No context given.

We took a break. We took a break to go to that. I thought Amir was going to get a kick out of it, to be honest with you. And then I was going to make a joke about what if he had done the gritty. We have to move on. Bad joke. Shit.

Shit. All right, you know what? Let's just do this one and it was the wrong beat song. Your shits were coming in at the exact downbeat where they should have the song. Do, do, do, do, do, shit.

Do, do, do. Welcome to MasterChef Dairy Edition. Marika, can you have Joel bring the ingredients? Yeah, I'll slack him. And I'll be right back. Talk amongst yourselves, but don't be too gossipy. Where do you have to go? He has to go to the fridge. He doesn't have

somebody to slack. So how's it going for you? We've both done this podcast. Our expectations are met. How's it going for you so far? I'm still thoroughly confused. Yeah. Did you have any expectations going in? No. Yeah. I like to go in confused. Yeah. Did you have any expectations going in? No.

Yeah. I like to go in blind. Okay. Did you think he would have like questions to learn more about you? I think the initial idea of this podcast was to get to know the staff of HeadGum and get to know everybody. Were you hoping to share things about yourself or are you just along for the ride? I'm just along for the ride. Respect.

Yeah. Do you feel that this informs your job more? Do you think that you are going to try to find some, like, counterpoint creators to whatever this is? Like shows less like this? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's a blow.

All right. Welcome to MasterChef Dairy Edition. I have in front of me three glasses. Oof. That's not going to sit well. Eggnog, cottage cheese, and whipped cream. Is this showing up on camera at all? Yeah, it's all there.

And ice cream. Looks like coffee creamer. Butter. Did you have me tell Joel to put ice cream in the fridge? Did you get your shit? Sage is bringing

it in. I don't know where Joel went. Alright, well, let's see what Marika has. Was that ice cream in the fridge? Yep. Okay. So if we're playing the price is right, what are we thinking this all adds up to? Jeff spent money on this bit.

This bit cost Jeff money. You're playing the price is right. Would you say over, under, he spent $40 on the ice cream? You got to remember to double it because he did it for Marika as well. Right. Okay. But for our table at least, over, under $40 on the item. You gotta remember to double it because he did it for Marika as well. Right, okay. But for our table at least over under $40. This is

my bag is from a Rite Aid so if that helps you what you have in your bag Marika. I say it could be over $40. Kerrygold butter is like

$6 or $7. Yep. So we're probably looking at something around $100 for this bit. Yeah. Real dollars. I have a gallon of 2% reduced fat milk.

Call it $7.99. Let's show it. Okay, we're missing that at our table. We've got whole and it's just a quart, but that'll have to do. Hood Golden Eggnog Ultra Pasteurized Ultra Our eggnog is also ultra pasteurized I read that as well

But ours is from a bourbon company I was curious if that's alcoholic eggnog You don't see a lot of overlap with like grain alcohol and dairy Marika Great commentary Philadelphia cream cheese Floating around $20 dairy marika great commentary uh philadelphia floating around twenty dollars easy cheese cheddar

do we have 15 more dollars worth of dairy that's the question an eight ounce carton of triple churned extra creamy sour cream unnervingly slow eight ounces of mozzarella sargento I knew it was sargento from the back

and perhaps the most perplexing of all one single baby bell the name of the game is MasterChef Dairy Edition you guys all have a jar in front of you Casey and I are going to be the judges okay well then you need you also need a jar

Where's Sage? I have to get her back We don't have jars Do you have a glass? Tell me what to do and I'll go find it You need a glass and I need Joel back in the room Because in New York Joel's going to be the judge In here it's going to be me and Casey

Why do I have the feeling that this podcast is going to be evidence in a case? I die. Or do something awful. I haven't even gotten to explain what the game is. MasterChef is a cooking show where people try to create food and shit. This is MasterChef Dairy Edition. You guys all have an empty jar or glass in front of you. You're going to, with these ingredients,

one by one, create a dairy concoction. And, uh... Okay. Casey and I will be the judge on who creates truly, like, the best tasting thing. But you have to use all the ingredients.

So it's really just ratio. You have to use all of the ingredients. Yes. Okay. How are you going to taste it? Are you scooping down to the bottom? How are you going to get everything in one bite? You can help me decide how I do that. Okay. Can I

leave the room to actually do things with the ingredients? Yes, yes, yes. Okay, I won't have a microphone with me. That's fine. We'll just need the finished product. Okay. So Billy lined the rim of his jar with butter.

I saw that. And then dipped it in the ice cream. Okay, so that's already so much dairy. We've got Corey starting things off with, like, I would say a half cup of eggnog. He's going to cut it with some whole milk. I saw them all handling the butter barehanded. I broke the stick of butter in half.

It looks like I've done so much shit to this studio. We've got Alex being patient slash maybe boycotting the game. Oh, thanks. I got a new job. What happened to the first one? I don't know. I accidentally used two. Asshole.

Alex, is now the perfect time to tell you that you're pretty much exact doppelganger for my therapist? Really? Yeah. And how is that for you mentally? Me or Alex? How does that make you feel? Corey, are you using... It makes me feel like I can share a lot with you that I probably can't.

Are you using the cap for the eggnog as a spoon? I'm using the cap for the eggnog as a spoon for the ice cream. Okay, we've got Billy filling the jar with mostly whipped cream. I think this is a good start. I would say that Billy's is looking the most delectable to me thus far. I've spilled champagne in the studio, coffee. I think... I was on the 100th episode when you

were hyper on chef. Alex has ice cream and eggnog. She just pulled a head in my eyes. The butter, I think, is unsalted. To be fair, they all have ice cream and eggnog. Yeah, wait.

You said that we have to use everything. It's about ratio and then the white lotus theme song inexplicably playing under all of this what's is that coffee creamer in the white oh

oh Corey sort of shaking there it is Oh, Corey sort of shaking. There it is. And that's raw denim, too. That ain't no rental. Alex made a tower of whipped cream. Oh, leading tower of cream.

And it's going down. And there goes the tower. Done, chef, done. Thank you, chef. Can I try it? You want to try it? I want to try it before I make other people try it. Yeah, I mean, you're free to taste test before you want to lock in. That's the mark of a true chef.

It's lovely. Yeah? Yeah. All right, so what went into this? can you explain the ratios that you used um the minimum the i put the minimum amount of cottage cheese yep i put the minimum amount of butter just a little bit of both yeah then i hit it with some eggnog some whole milk some nature bliss coffee mate yeah and then i used the cap from the egg nog as a spoon for the ice cream and then i use the cap of the cottage cheese to cover and shake up the whole thing that sounds like you put a lot of time and energy and thought into this yeah yeah i mean it

really just tastes like an eggnog um milkshake yeah case you want to dip your mustache in this too let's do it now that there's been two mustaches dipped into it no actually you know what i'm getting a little bit of the coffee creamer i'm getting a little bit of the milk what am i doing taking this seriously honestly oh that's nice what you just did, Alex. Yeah. I mean, yeah. One of them is bound to be better, though.

I will give Corey's... I'm going to adjust them. There's going to be a curve, but I'm going to give yours a 9 out of 10. Wow. Yeah, right now we're starting at a 9 for me as well. I feel like there's something that could be better about it. Alex, are you ready to present yours?

I'm ready. Okay. Can you walk us through this? I'll say I'm intimidated by Alex's, especially the finishing touch. Yeah, we have no idea what Marika's been doing. Well, I don't think she even has a jar yet.

I just want to mention how stressful it is to see all these open dairies next to your open computer. Open dairies. Open dairy. Yeah, we're in an open dairy state. What's the... It's a concealed dairy. All right, Alex, walk us through what you've done here.

I will say there's a lot of separation in this one. There's layers to this. Texture. Yes. So I started with a big scoop of ice cream because that obviously will taste the best. Poured some eggnog, a little bit of the milk and creamer.

I did a leaning tower of whipped cream. Yeah. Just assuming that most of it would taste like whipped cream. And finished with a drizzle of eggnog on top. That sound. That sound. It has an honestly very distinctly different smell than yours.

Yours was heavier on the eggnog. Do you like eggnog? That was a big gulp. That good, huh? Alex, I gotta say. There's a dairy intolerant person having diarrhea on your behalf

listening to this podcast right now. I had high expectations for this. It tastes the most like yours really tasted like an eggnog milkshake that you could order at a bar or like a burger place. This really tastes like a concoction of what these

things are. Jeffrey, for those just listening and not watching, has a very cute little dot of whipped cream on the tip of his nose. You're giving me Gordon Ramsay vibes right now. Because I'm angry? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm actually hangry. More eggnog in Alice's than Corey's, for sure. I got butter on the nose of that one. You've got butter all over your nose. You also got whipped cream on the nose from that one. Nice. That was a little on the nose of that one. You got butter all over your nose. You also got whipped cream on the nose from that one. Nice. That was a little on the nose. Wait, what did you give Corey's?

A nine. I gave it a nine. I'm going to give Alex's a six. Damn. Upside down nine. Did you say damn or ham? I said ham. Upside down nine.

Sure. I'm going to give Alex 7.5. I'm ham. Upside down nine. Sure. Yep. I'm going to give Alex 7.5. Ooh. 7.5. I'm sorry. Remember the bolo tie? I remember the bolo tie. You know what?

8.5. There it is. No, this is cheating. You can butter up the judge. And I think that you look really handsome without the bolo tie. I think just in general, you're a really handsome guy. No, he's trying to bank points. No, and it's working.

You butter up when you play the dairy game. Nice. I liked Corey's a little bit better because Alex, it was a bit too thick. It was pretty thick. All right. And a great speaking voice. You should have a great speaking voice. Thank you so much.

Billy, walk us through this dairy. Billy, walk us through this dairy. It's your classic butter-rimmed, three-layered whipped cream ice cream situation. I tried to ease off of the cottage cheese. It doesn't really seem like there's a place for that in this drink. So what I did was I rimmed my mixing jar with cottage cheese on the inside. So there's just going to be hints of cottage cheese in there. But ultimately, this is kind of like a post-workout meal. You know.

Yeah. Two in the morning, come home drunk. You don't really have ingredients for something. You make a butter-rimmed dairy drink. I will say,

this smells the best of the three. Wow. Thank you. Here we go. Chef. Chef. Sorry. Second sip never hurts.

And if you have any notes. Tasting notes or notes on your performance? Either is great. It's very vanilla-y. Yes. That's what we were going for. Yeah. The rim is a nice touch.

Thank you. And you have a great speaking voice. Let me try Corey's again. Oh. I like Billy's. I was saying off mic, I liked the work he did around the rim. Thank you, chef.

It really came through while drinking all of the cream. Thank you, chef. Yeah. It was light. It was nice. Thank you. Refreshing. Yeah. I gotta give him a 9. chef. Yeah. It was light. It was nice. Thank you. Refreshing. Yeah.

I gotta give him a 9.5. Wow. Thank you, chef. Thank you, chef. I'm gonna give him a 9. Point. Just 9. Yeah.

What the hell? You agree? I liked it as much holistically as Corey's. I will say that the taste of Corey's I think is better. The texture of Billy's is better. The texture of Corey's is worse. The smell of Billy's is really good. The taste doesn't live up to the smell.

Corey's smells like it tastes. You know what? I might need to bump it up to a 9.5. Mine? It might need to be a 9.5. Thank you, chef. The.5 for me came in the rim work. Really?

What's that? The rim work was... Thank you. How many times are you going? The rim work was, thank you. How many times are you going to say rim work? The rim job you did was amazing. Thank you. So I just feel like I deserve a moment to say something right now. Yeah.

I really felt like I was just the out and ahead winner coming out with nine, then getting to six. At first, you know, I was going gonna walk away thinking that i had won i would have said i really admired your rim work but now because i'm a sore loser i will say that i was gonna do that and then you did it and then i'm like well i'm not gonna copy you but i just want everyone to know that I thought of that too Daddy chill Did somebody say that? Marika we've got Joel in the studio Joel looks anemic

let's talk about it You look anemic That's what white people look like He looks like he needs to go to the hospital Some dairy will be good for him. Today with my ingredients, I prepared a nice glass of eggnog topped with Vietnamese cinnamon, which you can't really see. There it is.

Is that dairy? You can't just get it anywhere. Hang on, is that all you did? No. You have to use all the ingredients. I'm not done. I made him a full meal. Where's the cheese wheel?

Where's the cheese wheel, Marika? We know you got a baby bell in there somewhere. A cheese dip. A queso dip with a mostly crispy cheese cracker and Cheez-Its on the side. What the hell? So, Joel, if you want a taste. Let's start with some eggnog.

Cheers. To everyone. Nobody gave him anything on that. This is good. Good eggnog. Great start. Eight out of ten. Cinnamon adds a lot. I think you should go higher for sure.

It's going to be tough to beat a nine five. Okay. Now I feel a lot less confident about this, especially having watched Marika make it. Marika, did you microwave cheese in a bowl? With the milk. And two different types of cheeses, but it's hard to make a queso with mozzarella. It's very stringy, obviously.

Yeah, of course, of course. So now you can look at the texture. It doesn't look how you would want it to. Love that. Is it too watery? It doesn't look how you would want it to. I mean, it's not bad. That's like a 5.8 out of 10.

Damn. Like, if I didn't see how it was made, it would probably be closer to a 7. I mean, you gotta go higher. These people are getting nines. I put butter on the outside of a jar and got a 9. That's lower than my score. But you know, I washed it down with some eggnog. I got such good scores. Marika, you're, I got such a good score.

Marika, you're far and away the loser so far. I have high standards. I'm literally the loser. Okay, well, here's the last caveat. By the way, this is a gourmet meal.

Okay, here's the part of this that we didn't really... Eggnog is good. Eggnog will go up to a nine. Excuse me, Joel X, really, excuse me. I didn't make it.

Joel, you also have to give... Joel can't hear you. Oh, okay. Marika, relay X, really. Excuse me. I didn't make it. Joel, you also have to give... Joel can't hear you. Oh, okay. Marika, relay this to Joel. Joel also has to give scores on the ones here, and Casey and I have to give scores on yours. So, Joel, this is just visually and texture-wise. You have to give a score to theirs as well.

Visually and texture-wise. That's eggnog Jeff has. I'm not sure what it is. Hi, buddy. What are you giving Corey's? What are you giving that one? Jeff's, I'll give...

No, it's mine. It's Corey's. Make sure he knows. Treat it like it's Jeff's. That's he knows. Treat it like it's Jeff's. That's right. Can he hear me? Does he know that it's Corey's and not mine? Because I think he's giving me a four. He's giving me a four because he thinks it's mine.

Here, you hold it. No, I told him it was Corey's. I told him it was Corey's. And he can't hear me? No, he cannot hear you. Okay, great. When you're listening to this later, if you fuck me on this, I cannot hear you. Okay, great. When you're listening to this later, if you fuck me on this, I will find you.

He has no idea you said that. Alex's? Just keep in mind that before... Oh, no, he can't hear me either. 8.5 for Alex's. Looks twice as good as Corey's. That's true. Twice as good as Corey's.

I'm going to kick your ass. Thanks, Joel. And then the final. Let me find the best angle. He's finding the best angle. Wow. She's a beaut. What?

That looks like a... That looks like a freaking 10 to me. Yeah! Yes! Thank you. Thank you. Holy shit. Marika, please tell him I said thank you.

Okay. So let's do these averages out. I'll allude to that. Yeah. You guys have to rate mine. I'm going to say 10. I think she went above and beyond. She didn't have to do any of this. She didn't even have to do the show today.

And, yeah, are we rating just on appearance? Holistically, your impression of it. I'd say 10. I gotta say 10 as well. Great. Okay, so let's average these out. Corey, I gave a 9. You gave a 9.

Joel gave a 4. Quick math here. 22. 22 divided by 3? 7.33. 7.33. And then Alex, I gave you a 6. You gave her an 8.5.

And then Joel gave her what, 8.5? No, much higher. 10? No, it was an 8.5. Marika sticks to the rules. No, no, no. That's gonna be 7.66.

That fucking sucks. Billy, we gave you 9.5, 9.5, and Marika gave you a, or Joel gave you a 10. So, here we go. Wow, that's nearly perfect. Thank you. Great speaking voice, Casey. That's going to be 9.66. Wow.

And then Marika, you got two 10s and what did Joel give you? a 6? can you remind me what the overall rating that you'd give my meal was? combined I think it was like a 7.2

asshole .2 huh? cool I mean we know Billy won but just to get the final scores I'm moving to New York and I

want Joel to worry about me um alright what was my final score your final score was 9.06

uh you fucked me be gone yeah Joel really fuck yeah get out of here Joel this made me lactose intolerant 9.06. You fucked me. Be gone. Yeah, Joel really fucked. Yeah, get out of here, Joel. This made me lactose intolerant. Go take a lactate, you fucker. The winner of today's MasterChef Dairy Edition is Billy Scafuri.

This is fucked. Casey, how long have we been going? An hour. Great. That's it. That's all I had today. I had a White Lotus thing, but I kind of shoehorned it in orally.

Shoehorned it in orally. What? A-U-R-A-L-L-Y. Orally. Orally. Congratulations to Billy You are the master chef Of dairy Feels great

Sticky My right hand is sticky right now I feel like a five year old boy Who's just had a lot of sweets And came home from the park and his fingers stick That's what I feel like right now Impressions of this game Should we do it again with a different type of had a lot of sweets and came home from the park and his fingers stick. That's what I feel like right now. Impressions of this game?

Should we do it again with a different type of viscous ingredient class? Probably not. For sure. For sure. There's definitely a dairy shortage, right? Is there? I think so. There was an Eggo waffle shortage like a year and a half ago.

All of this is just going to get thrown out. I think we'll keep some of it. I thought you were talking about the audio. We were facing a butter shortage in October. But then they started churning out more.

That's really good. Let's do this. Exit interviews of MasterChef Dairy Edition and plugs. We'll go down the line starting with Corey. How do you feel about this? How do you feel about your performance? I started really strong. I got two 9 out of 10s and suddenly was the biggest loser of all.

It's a bullshit game and I'm gonna kick Joel's ass and I it's a bullshit game and i'm gonna kick joel's ass uh and uh i i've got a show on february 25th so far away this comes out on december 23rd um yeah that's the nearest show that i've got february 25th it'll be at the elysian with the band Dark Daisy. Cool. I'm part of a sketch group. Social media? I'm at Captain Sadbeard. I got a good follower bump last time I did the show. That was fun.

No, your episode was a hit. People love you. I'm at Captain Sadbeard, so give me a follow. Captain, all the way? That whole full word? Captain. Not C-A-P-T? No.

On Twitter, I'm Captain Sadbeard, but I don't really use that platform very much. Yeah. Cool. It's a huge yawn from Jeff towards the end of that. That was use that platform very much. Yeah. Cool. It's a huge yawn from Jeff towards the end of that. That was like a lion's roar. The Fox MGM. It sometimes feels that the people closest to us were comfortable giving the worst of ourselves. Like people a little bit further

away from us, we wouldn't show them truer sides of ourselves. But then someone gets closer and they get worse parts of us. I would say that that's not true about the first time I met Jeff. He was just out the gate. We didn't have a relationship. He was just like giving handshakes where he wouldn't grab your hand, he'd grab your arm. He was just a master at

making someone feel a little uncomfortable. Just like a little off. Do you want to plug like, are you going to be doing that anytime soon? We're banking episodes so I can take a three-week break. Wow. What are you going to do with your time? Be normal. Like what? Do what?

I'm going home to Cleveland, then I'm going to Wichita, Kansas, then I'm going to New York City. Great. And what are the addresses of all the places? Alex? What do you have to plug? How did you feel about your performance in the Dairy Contest? The Dairy Contest was touch and go for me. It kind of came at a time where

I entered the shaky period of my hangover. I was a little worried about looking like a tweaker. But I actually came out a lot more on top than I thought I would thanks to Joel and, you know know the rave reviews so I'm okay with it hell yeah do you want to plug your social media

or any outside projects join gumball if you're a podcaster and at Alex Berkman Kifuri what do you got I don't usually like to play your games I've done this podcast a lot and the more I've done them the less I've enjoyed them.

Really? I think so. Even in the YouTube comments of previous HeadGum podcasts that I've been on, people have almost tired of me being tired of you. So I was almost surprised

to be invited back, but here we are. And I decided, change your tone, change your tune, play the game. So I went in with an open mind, and I tried to use the ingredients in front of me

and I tried to show them respect and hopefully them together would produce a tasty meal. And how do you feel now that you won? I feel really great. And I want to apologize for being so salty to you all those other episodes, because now I realize that if you just play the game and play along, it's a pretty positive experience.

So I feel great. I'm excited to leave this studio a winner. And one more time, Casey, great speaking voice. Thank you so much. You're welcome. Casey? Plugs, how do you feel about Derry? Derry is good by me.

I have no issues with it. Thank God. You sound like... I'm tolerant of it. donald trump talks about yeah i'm fine with dairy if you want to marry dairy that's fine i'm not going to um no this was this was a fun game glad to be here you can follow me at Casey Donohue and listen to the Pitwall

NF1 podcast for casual fans Marika Brownlee, round us out how do you feel about the Dairy Edition of MasterChef and what do you have to plug? I feel very proud of the presentation and meal that i made for joel i think that i was uh at a disadvantage with my ingredients being different than everyone else's and also at an advantage disadvantage because joel's a little punk ass bitch i'll say it on air yo you just did joel's gonna catch these fucking hands.

Wow. I think Marika got robbed. You can call me daddy. That was in reference to Marika. Joel is great, but he is on notice for this because I tried to make it as palatable as possible for him.

I made a fucking cheese crisp in a microwave. You got two tins. And his favorite thing was the eggnog that I poured and sprinkled with cinnamon. So, you know, it is what it is. But I was whipping together a full queso dip for him. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, fucking follow me on Letterboxd or whatever. Holy shit.

Twitter, Instagram, at Marie Galon, but mostly Letterboxd. Got it. Can I pitch a title for this episode? Yeah. There's something about dairy. That's good. Yeah, you kind of want to laugh everyone's just like

mmm what about when Derry met Casey mmm yeah it should be there's something about Derry and then you could do a little bit of whipped cream

in your hair have you seen that at Jeffrey James on Twitter at Jeffrey James on Instagram at jeffreyjames on instagram at jeffboardy on twitter we'll come up with something I'll start a group chat

thank you guys for listening to this don't start a group chat for the title right everyone has their own work and stuff to deal with I mean Marika's right. That was a Hiddem original.